Celestial Reviews 32 - Oct 28, 1995 Note: I sincerely appreciate the e-mail I receive from readers. Please understand that I would like to respond individually and in detail to everyone, but my time limitations often prohibit this. I hope you will accept my column as my response to your communications. It seems to me that people are enjoying my writing, and that makes me feel good. Second Note: While I am continuing the Reviews (and the Tips), I have also started a series of occasional postings of Dear Grammar Goddess. I hope you look for these postings and enjoy them. - Celeste "Curiosity" by Javahead (strip club & lap dancing) 9 "The Marcia Clarke Story" by Suzyn (celebrity sex) 7 "Daughter" by Deirdre (anal sex) 8.5 "Daydream" by Deirdre (voyeurism & fantasy) 8 "Deal" by Deirdre (voyeurism & anal sex) 10 "Always Daddy's Girl" by Jon Lewiston (sensitive father/daughter sex) 10 "Curiosity" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi). The man takes his wife to a strip club and they befriend a dancer named Kitty Delight. (This was just her stage name, of course; her real name was Tutu Small). The wife becomes interested; and one day she surprises him by joining the cast of dancers. She does well; but she dances mostly for him, and they have great sex afterwards. One nice thing about this story is that it explained the ground rules for lap dancing: The dancer does not touch the client with her hands - and he lets *her* make all the contact. If he were to put his hands anywhere but her waist, the bouncers would escort him out. As long as she's in control, and it's a *dance*, it's legal. If he gets to use *his* hands, or she uses *hers* too close to his crotch, the bar gets shut down for the night and she gets hauled in for prostitution. Makes sense. I thought when my daughter told me she was taking up lap dancing it had something to do with her track team. Oh, well; live and learn. (Rating: 9) "The Marcia Clarke Story" by Suzyn (qprozacq@aol.com). This story came to me from a person purporting to be a high school student, with a query asking whether I was actually her journalism teacher. As we all know, there are no teenagers even lurking (much less writing) on this newsgroup. I am writing my review in the form of a response to that author. Dear Suzyn: As you well know, high school students are not allowed on a.s.s. They are considered to be too young to know about or understand grammar and the other matters covered by this newsgroup. Since you obviously do understand these things, I'll assume you are an adult masquerading as a teenager (possibly that venerable person who posts the biweekly message "High School Girl Wants durty Talk!") I'm not worried that you might be a Fed, because I am not going to propose anything very interesting to you anyway. If you really want to know whether I'm actually Mrs. S., your journalism teacher, just watch her when she masturbates. If she goes three strokes with the left and then one with her right, that's definitely not me. Another way to check whether I'm Mrs. S. is to listen when she makes love to the principal in the copier room. If she calls him by his right name, this is not me, since I don't know his name. (Note: She might get the name right by accident. This is known as "getting lucky.") If she hollers EIEIO when climaxing, this is definitely not me - it's Mrs. McDonald, whose husband has a farm. As for the story itself, I enjoyed it. However, you really should have run it through a spellcheck. Also, you should have someone else (perhaps Mrs. S. when she's not engaged in an orgy) read your material before you post it. You yourself are too close to the story; when there's a mistake, you tend to see what you *thought* you wrote instead of what you actually wrote. It's a good idea to do this with all your writing for publication, not just sex stories. If you cannot confide in Mrs. S. or find anyone else willing to read it (as would be the case if you were writing a term paper on "The Great Gatsby"), then you should set the manuscript aside for several days and then proofread it yourself before submitting it. I may have been mistaken, but it seemed to me that you made more grammatical and spelling errors when you got to the hot parts of your story. I assume that this is part of the charade that you are a high school student, rather than a more sophisticated person like Mrs. S. or myself, who can spit out good grammar even in the throes of ecstasy. I liked your story's attention to Marcia's home life and her relationship with her daughter. I think it would be possible to develop the transitions to the sex scene a little better or to have a little more balance between domestic life and sex life. Or something. Maybe another reader will give you some better advice in this regard. Finally, isn't it scary how accurate your story has turned out? I mean, according to the tabloids, Marcia and Chris really do like each other. I hear they're planning to double with OJ and Nicole - oops! Wrong newsgroup. That's rec.humor. (Rating: 7) "Daughter" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). The daughter asks her mother if it would be OK to have anal sex with her fiance. The mother is shocked and says that no decent woman would do that. Does that mean that there is no anal sex in this story? Yeah, right! How does the mother become convinced to change her mind? Read the story and find out. (Rating: 8.5) "Daydream" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). A middle-aged woman watches a college guy paint her neighbor's house. She daydreams about what it would be like to be his little college girlfriend. There's no real sex in this story; but the fantasy is pretty hot. (Rating: 8) "Deal" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). The disconsolate man has been forced to watch his wife try on some clothes. The saleslady walks up to him and says quietly, "Do you mind if I make a try for her? Please? I'll make it worth your while." The man assures the saleslady that his wife is not interested in sex with women, but he agrees to let her try. Will she succeed? Of course, she will; otherwise there would be no story. And how will the saleslady make it worthwhile for all of us? (Rating: 10) "Always Daddy's Girl" by Jon Lewiston (berylg@teleport.com). This is an exceptionally well written story. A young girl has been kept from seeing her father by the mother who dumped him. The mother is essentially a bad parent, who runs around a lot with several boyfriends, and generally tries to poison the daughter's mind against her father. When the father finally gets the daughter (age 12) to stay with him for a prolonged time, he finds himself having a sexual relationship with her. The sex is not the leering type of incest story that often appears in the a.s.s. postings, but rather a description of a sensitive and mature relationship. If I didn't have an inherent bias against pedophile/incest stories, I would have said to myself that this is the way things should be. I *do* have such a bias, and I still wasn't upset by this story. I firmly believe that if in real life you are having sexual relations with your children or if as a child this happened to you, you should seek professional help. The problem with a good story like this is that it gives a loophole for people who are involved in a less-than- idea relationship to ignore the possibility of exploitation and to rationalize that they are just like the characters in this story. Nothing bad happened to these people, they say, and so nothing bad will happen to us. Remember: the main reason nothing bad happens to the people in this story is because the author could act like God and write the story that way. All of this is not to say that this kind of story should be suppressed; I am merely urging you to distinguish between fantasy and real life. Society needs its laws and there are good reasons to discourage and even prohibit fathers from bedding their daughters. That's because most parents in such relationships in real life are abusing their power over their children, and such stories usually have unhappy endings in real life. In the world of fiction, however, we can suspend reality and believe that it really is possible for policemen to chase criminals at high speeds along the sidewalks of major cities without hurting anyone. We don't even give a thought to the notion that some of the people John Wayne or Arnold Schwarznager kill would have children who would miss them. We can believe that it is possible to pull a pin out of a hand grenade with one's teeth and throw the projectile accurately fifty yards, destroying the enemy soldiers who could not slay that thrower with their obviously more powerful automatic weapons. We can even believe that Shoeless Joe Jackson can come back to life to play baseball on a field of dreams in Iowa. We can believe that demons can possess beautiful women on soap operas, while people around them are losing their memories and changing their personalities and engaging in serial polygamy at the drop of a dildo. If we can suspend reality enough to believe and enjoy all this, then surely we can without pangs of conscience enjoy a sensitive description of a relationship built upon what is normally taboo in real life. (Rating: 10) TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be eliminated. (The other 5% will eventually be covered in Advanced Celestial Grammar.) I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the sober serious business at hand. This issue's Tip is a clarification of a previous Tip. I wasn't as specific as I should have been, and a helpful reader pointed this out to me. (I was probably high on life when I wrote the original.) SEMICOLONS. Simply stated, a semicolon is a super-comma. One of its main uses is to separate parts of the sentence that already contain commas. Exciting example: "While she continued to drive him crazy by fondling his balls with her free hand, she began to suck on his cock, until he came in a wild explosion of excitement; and then he began to turn his own attention to her clitoris, which he had neglected until then." Using a comma instead of a semicolon in this example would be confusing, because each half of the sentence already contains commas. A good author might instead just insert a period and omit the "and," especially if she is concerned about skipping a period. In addition, a semicolon can be used in place of a period to join two sentences. In such cases, it often replaces "and," {"and" plus a comma}. The following are all correct - at least grammatically, although the order may sometimes be reversed socially: I licked her pussy. Then she sucked my cock. I licked her pussy, and then she sucked my cock. I licked her pussy; then she sucked my cock. In the actual context of a story, each of these sentences might convey a slightly different meaning. For example, the third sentence suggests that the two activities were more intimately connected than the first (because the author put the two ideas in a single sentence). Of course, the sentences would also be better if they were in iambic pentameter. (See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)