Celestial Reviews 31 - Oct 25, 1995

Note:  It has amazed me that lately I have been receiving more e-mail 
about my Tips of the Week than about the reviews.  So while I am 
continuing the Reviews (and the Tips), I am starting today a series of 
occasional postings of Dear Grammar Goddess.  I hope you can find these 
postings and enjoy them.

   - Celeste

      "Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (mild D&s) 10
      "My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (voyeurism 
            & oral sex) 7
      "Convention" by Deirdre (bondage & anal sex) 10
      "Cousin" by Deirdre (mild ff dom) 9
      "Cozy" by Deirdre (anal sex and light D&s) 9
      "Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (foot fetish) 10
      "The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (romance) 8
      "My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (shoe fetish) 8.5

      *Repost of a previous review (because the story has 
       recently been reposted).

"Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi).  The man is alone 
at the bar, his wife out of town.  The beautiful woman on the stool 
next to him invites him to her house to listen to some records.  She 
eventually invites him upstairs, where she traps him into some 
domination and submission toys and engages in really hot sex with him.  
Although I usually find violent D&s stories to be repulsive, I enjoyed 
this one.  The difference is that (1) the guy deserves to be trapped 
(he's fooling around on his wife!) and (2) the woman is inflicting on 
the man things that they will both enjoy.  All she's really doing is 
taking away his choice.  

Of course, in the real world the chances of getting this lucky with the 
D&S specialist on the next barstool are really remote; but this is a 
fantasy.  A final note to husbands of wonderful wives (including 
husbands of a.s.s. reviewers):  In real life women like this finish by 
cutting your balls off and shoving them down your throat.  If they 
don't, your wife will.  And remember "Fatal Attraction"! (Rating: 10)

"My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (an176577@anon.penet.fi).  The 
narrator of this story is a voyeur.  He shares this secret with his 
sister-in-law, who voyeurizes with him.  In spite of their joint 
escapades, they agree not to have sex.  However, this restriction 
apparently applies only to vaginal penetration.  A lot of the sex is 
pretty tame; but it's also kind of refreshing.  One good sequence 
occurs when they lie in beds in separate rooms with his wife gone and 
talk about their childhood sex experiences.  It's really pretty hot 
stuff - considering their bodies are ten feet apart.

This story contains genuine sex education from a camp counselor.  For 
example, Ellen tells about one girl who asked the counselor about blow 
jobs and if they could make a girl have a baby if she swallowed it.  
The counselor said no, but that was something special.  She told the 
girls they should only do that with a guy if he would lick them between 
the legs.  She said that was the most fun and it was called eating a 
pie.  Boys wouldn't do that unless the girls told them they would give 
the boys a blow job if they ate their pie.  This is either pragmatic 
sex education or a short course in negotiation or marketing strategy.  
I don't think camp counselors are certified or anything.  They're 
mostly unemployed English teachers who need summer work.  (Rating: 7)

"Convention" by Deirdre ()  A guy and his female colleague are taking a 
break from a convention by spending some time on the beach.  Two 
bodybuilder guys and their girlfriends come by and do the sexual 
equivalent of kicking sand in their faces.  True to Deirdre's style, 
the action gets hot and heavy in a surrealistic way.  The only question 
I had at the end of the story was how much would you tip the maid if 
you left in your room a woman tied spread-eagle to the bed?  The author 
had some problems with the various tenses of "lie" and "lay," but these 
will be the topic of next issue's Tip of the Week.  (Rating: 10)

"Cousin" by Deirdre ().  At a family reunion two female cousins share a 
bedroom.  The younger cousin comes on sexually to the more introverted, 
less sexually sophisticated, older cousin.  It's a simple story, but 
hot and interesting.  (Rating: 9)

"Cozy" by Deirdre ().  A guy is living with his fiancee and her mother.  
His old girlfriend comes to town; he meets her for dinner; and has anal 
sex with her in the bathroom at the restaurant.  The girlfriend asks if 
she can stay the night, and so he brings her home and introduces her to 
the rest of the gang.  The girlfriend somehow gets his fiancee to give 
the guy better sex than he has ever had from her before, and he gets 
even better sex from his attractive future mother-in-law.  Then the 
girlfriend takes off with his fiancee, and the guy is left with his 
fiancee's mother; but he really has no gripe, because his only problem 
is that he has to have hot sex with her so often.  Go figure!  I've 
told you the whole plot; but if you're still unclear about what's going 
on, that's because I am too.  It's hard to explain; the descriptions of 
the sexual activity are not vivid and it's not really clear why 
anything is happening, but it's still a very erotic story.  (Rating: 9) 

"Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi).  In the 
list preceding the reviews I labeled this a "foot fetish" story.  I did 
so for two reasons: (1) That's what the author himself claimed it was.  
(2) Nobody would have read this review if I would have labeled it 
"gerontological sex."  Yup!  Here we have two old codgers going at it 
like spring chickens.  Whoda thunk it!?  It's a story about nice quiet 
sex that starts when two people have a conversation on a bus, progress 
to a foot massage, and then do what comes naturally.  You know, until 
now I've just been worrying about my daughters being corrupted by this 
world of cybersex.  You don't think my mother.... (Rating: 9)

"The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (CynTil8Ing@aol.com).  The beeper signals to 
the woman that her busy day is not yet over.  But then she recognizes 
the number and eagerly returns the call and makes arrangements for a 
quiet evening with her one true love.  This is Cindy's first story, and 
it's a good start.  If I had to offer her some advice, I would suggest 
trying to build the anticipation a little better.  But this is already 
a pretty good story!  (Rating: 8)

"My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (an407944@anon.penet.fi).  This author 
and I are never going to make it together in the sack.  We clash too 
much on shoes.  He has a fetish for women who wear shoes and related 
garments that I think range from uncomfortable to grotesque.  Having 
purged myself of my negative emotions, I'll add that this is a pretty 
good story.  After all, if I can be objective about pedophiles and 
sadistic rapists, I surely oughta be able to handle a story about a guy 
with the hots on a woman who normally wears a pair of classic dress 
pumps with a 2 1/2" to 3" heel, but occasionally a pair of open-toe 
slings.  As my daughter said a couple of years ago, "Grody to the max!"

So this guy is taking care of this woman's cat while she's away, when 
he sees some of her shoes and related clothing.  He tries on Linda's 
shoes and some of her lingerie; but then she comes home unexpectedly 
and catches him in the act.  To keep her from squealing to his wife, he 
agrees to do anything she says.  They have sex every which way they 
can; the poor guy has to put up with three orgasms.  

All kidding aside, this is a pretty good story.  My only objection is 
to the kind of shoes and clothing; and that's clearly a matter of 
preference.  This story has one of the most courteous first-time anal 
penetrations that I have ever read.  Guys should read and memorize this 
part if they ever hope to get into their lover's asshole.  I would have 
liked to have seen the action a little faster at times and a little 
more anticipation at others; but I'm glad this author sent this story 
to me.  (Rating: 8.5)

TIP OF THE WEEK:  In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of 
the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt 
sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time 
to time.  My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 
95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be 
eliminated.  I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE 
{something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the 
sober serious business at hand.  Here is this issue's Tip:

**SOME FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS**.

TO/TWO/TOO.  *Two* is the number of persons most frequently present in 
a meaningful sexual encounter.  *TOO* means also, as in "I'd like to 
fuck you too."  *To* is a preposition, which means it comes at the 
beginning of a prepositional phrase, as in "We went to the store" or 
before a verb, as in "I want to fuck you."  

USE/USED.  People get *used* to doing things.  Likewise, Johnny *used* 
to fuck Janie.  *USE* is a present tense, as in the song, "Use me, 
abuse me...."

(See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)