Celestial Reviews 31 - Oct 25, 1995 Note: It has amazed me that lately I have been receiving more e-mail about my Tips of the Week than about the reviews. So while I am continuing the Reviews (and the Tips), I am starting today a series of occasional postings of Dear Grammar Goddess. I hope you can find these postings and enjoy them. - Celeste "Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (mild D&s) 10 "My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (voyeurism & oral sex) 7 "Convention" by Deirdre (bondage & anal sex) 10 "Cousin" by Deirdre (mild ff dom) 9 "Cozy" by Deirdre (anal sex and light D&s) 9 "Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (foot fetish) 10 "The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (romance) 8 "My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (shoe fetish) 8.5 *Repost of a previous review (because the story has recently been reposted). "Upstairs" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). The man is alone at the bar, his wife out of town. The beautiful woman on the stool next to him invites him to her house to listen to some records. She eventually invites him upstairs, where she traps him into some domination and submission toys and engages in really hot sex with him. Although I usually find violent D&s stories to be repulsive, I enjoyed this one. The difference is that (1) the guy deserves to be trapped (he's fooling around on his wife!) and (2) the woman is inflicting on the man things that they will both enjoy. All she's really doing is taking away his choice. Of course, in the real world the chances of getting this lucky with the D&S specialist on the next barstool are really remote; but this is a fantasy. A final note to husbands of wonderful wives (including husbands of a.s.s. reviewers): In real life women like this finish by cutting your balls off and shoving them down your throat. If they don't, your wife will. And remember "Fatal Attraction"! (Rating: 10) "My Sexy Sister-in-Law" by Anonymous (an176577@anon.penet.fi). The narrator of this story is a voyeur. He shares this secret with his sister-in-law, who voyeurizes with him. In spite of their joint escapades, they agree not to have sex. However, this restriction apparently applies only to vaginal penetration. A lot of the sex is pretty tame; but it's also kind of refreshing. One good sequence occurs when they lie in beds in separate rooms with his wife gone and talk about their childhood sex experiences. It's really pretty hot stuff - considering their bodies are ten feet apart. This story contains genuine sex education from a camp counselor. For example, Ellen tells about one girl who asked the counselor about blow jobs and if they could make a girl have a baby if she swallowed it. The counselor said no, but that was something special. She told the girls they should only do that with a guy if he would lick them between the legs. She said that was the most fun and it was called eating a pie. Boys wouldn't do that unless the girls told them they would give the boys a blow job if they ate their pie. This is either pragmatic sex education or a short course in negotiation or marketing strategy. I don't think camp counselors are certified or anything. They're mostly unemployed English teachers who need summer work. (Rating: 7) "Convention" by Deirdre () A guy and his female colleague are taking a break from a convention by spending some time on the beach. Two bodybuilder guys and their girlfriends come by and do the sexual equivalent of kicking sand in their faces. True to Deirdre's style, the action gets hot and heavy in a surrealistic way. The only question I had at the end of the story was how much would you tip the maid if you left in your room a woman tied spread-eagle to the bed? The author had some problems with the various tenses of "lie" and "lay," but these will be the topic of next issue's Tip of the Week. (Rating: 10) "Cousin" by Deirdre (). At a family reunion two female cousins share a bedroom. The younger cousin comes on sexually to the more introverted, less sexually sophisticated, older cousin. It's a simple story, but hot and interesting. (Rating: 9) "Cozy" by Deirdre (). A guy is living with his fiancee and her mother. His old girlfriend comes to town; he meets her for dinner; and has anal sex with her in the bathroom at the restaurant. The girlfriend asks if she can stay the night, and so he brings her home and introduces her to the rest of the gang. The girlfriend somehow gets his fiancee to give the guy better sex than he has ever had from her before, and he gets even better sex from his attractive future mother-in-law. Then the girlfriend takes off with his fiancee, and the guy is left with his fiancee's mother; but he really has no gripe, because his only problem is that he has to have hot sex with her so often. Go figure! I've told you the whole plot; but if you're still unclear about what's going on, that's because I am too. It's hard to explain; the descriptions of the sexual activity are not vivid and it's not really clear why anything is happening, but it's still a very erotic story. (Rating: 9) "Sticky Afternoon" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). In the list preceding the reviews I labeled this a "foot fetish" story. I did so for two reasons: (1) That's what the author himself claimed it was. (2) Nobody would have read this review if I would have labeled it "gerontological sex." Yup! Here we have two old codgers going at it like spring chickens. Whoda thunk it!? It's a story about nice quiet sex that starts when two people have a conversation on a bus, progress to a foot massage, and then do what comes naturally. You know, until now I've just been worrying about my daughters being corrupted by this world of cybersex. You don't think my mother.... (Rating: 9) "The Damn Beeper" by Cindy (CynTil8Ing@aol.com). The beeper signals to the woman that her busy day is not yet over. But then she recognizes the number and eagerly returns the call and makes arrangements for a quiet evening with her one true love. This is Cindy's first story, and it's a good start. If I had to offer her some advice, I would suggest trying to build the anticipation a little better. But this is already a pretty good story! (Rating: 8) "My Leggy Neighbor" by Jaemee (an407944@anon.penet.fi). This author and I are never going to make it together in the sack. We clash too much on shoes. He has a fetish for women who wear shoes and related garments that I think range from uncomfortable to grotesque. Having purged myself of my negative emotions, I'll add that this is a pretty good story. After all, if I can be objective about pedophiles and sadistic rapists, I surely oughta be able to handle a story about a guy with the hots on a woman who normally wears a pair of classic dress pumps with a 2 1/2" to 3" heel, but occasionally a pair of open-toe slings. As my daughter said a couple of years ago, "Grody to the max!" So this guy is taking care of this woman's cat while she's away, when he sees some of her shoes and related clothing. He tries on Linda's shoes and some of her lingerie; but then she comes home unexpectedly and catches him in the act. To keep her from squealing to his wife, he agrees to do anything she says. They have sex every which way they can; the poor guy has to put up with three orgasms. All kidding aside, this is a pretty good story. My only objection is to the kind of shoes and clothing; and that's clearly a matter of preference. This story has one of the most courteous first-time anal penetrations that I have ever read. Guys should read and memorize this part if they ever hope to get into their lover's asshole. I would have liked to have seen the action a little faster at times and a little more anticipation at others; but I'm glad this author sent this story to me. (Rating: 8.5) TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be eliminated. I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the sober serious business at hand. Here is this issue's Tip: **SOME FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS**. TO/TWO/TOO. *Two* is the number of persons most frequently present in a meaningful sexual encounter. *TOO* means also, as in "I'd like to fuck you too." *To* is a preposition, which means it comes at the beginning of a prepositional phrase, as in "We went to the store" or before a verb, as in "I want to fuck you." USE/USED. People get *used* to doing things. Likewise, Johnny *used* to fuck Janie. *USE* is a present tense, as in the song, "Use me, abuse me...." (See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)