Celestial Reviews 28 - Oct 14, 1995 Note: I posted these reviews on October 14, and it just occurred to me today (Oct 16) that I have not yet seen them on AOL. Pretty weak service! If you have already seen these reviews, I apologize. I figure it's better to post them twice than to risk not at all. We have a generally good bunch of stories this week; and - if I must say so myself, I wax eloquent with allusions ranging from the first grade primer to Samuel Johnson to Johnny Cash. Since I'm feeling feisty, I even throw in a discussion of restrictive phrases in this issue's Tip of the Week. Enjoy! - Celeste "Cabin" by Deirdre (Hypnotism and sex) 8 "Checkup" by Deirdre (Physical examination) 6 "Chest" by Deirdre (Breast fetish) 6 "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (fantasy plus live sex) 10 "Fun with Dick and Jane" by Sue (Group sex ed) 10 "A Toast to Friends" by Mr. Bill (Light bondage & voyeurism) 10 "The Surprise" by A Sensitive Man (Mild D&s and anal sex) 6 "Night Moves" by Javahead (Rape) 10 *"Anna" by Michelle Lurker (Boy becomes girl) 10 *"Lessons in Lust" by Kid Dynamite (non-brutal D&s) 10 * = repost of a previous review (because the story has been recently reposted). "Cabin" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). Most of Deirdre's story have a surrealistic tenor; but in this case there's a specific reason for this dreamlike atmosphere. The woman and her husband rent a lakeside cabin, and they join the other happy campers for a party. Somebody suggests that they play games, and they get hypnotized. Sure enough, they find themselves doing sexual things they would never have expected themselves to do. (Rating: 8) "Checkup" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). A woman goes for a physical checkup at a new place of employment, and the nurse practitioner and the rest of the medical crew have their jollies during the examination. A lot is left to the imagination in this story. Also, I think it lacked realism; no nurse practitioner would be dumb enough to do what this one did in this age of sexual harassment lawsuits. (Rating: 6) "Chest" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). A woman working in an office is the target of constant put-downs from a coworker who has well endowed breasts. The woman with the mammaries eventually turns the lady with the little tits into a sex slave by letting her lick her big breasts as a reward for services rendered. This was kinda lame for a Deirdre story. I think it must be a forgery - actually written by Francis Bacon or William Shakespeare. (Rating: 5) "Tell Me a Story" by smoot2 (smoot2@ix.netcom.com). After a session of good sex, a woman asks her lover to tell her a story. He responds with an erotic tale. While she listens, she brings him and herself to an even better orgasm. Ummm! Tell me another story! I could handle about 1001 Nights of This. This story is by the author of "Lyrical Fantasy," which I reviewed in CR 27. That story, I said, was a good story that was ruined by faulty proofreading and bad formatting. I added that if this author ironed the kinks out of his writing, his work would be in a class with the writings of Deidre and Tammy Ng - which is a pretty good class. See! I was right! This is a wonderful story. I would like to take credit for this improvement, but unless smoot2 and I did some time traveling or mental telepathy, he did this on his own. However, my point is still valid: the main difference between this story and the author's previous attempt is that this one is presented better. It's not that the author's exceptional creativity is unimportant - it's just that by cleaning up his final draft of this story he lets us see what he really has to say. With "Lyrical Fantasy" I was constantly distracted by the way the story was presented to me; in this story there still were grammar mistakes, but I skipped right past them and was distracted only by a warm, moist feeling in my pussy. I like this kind of distraction much better. (Rating: 10) "Fun with Dick and Jane" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com) As we left Sue last week at the end of "Gee Spot Run," Sue had used her erotic fiction as a basis to enrich the fantasy life and masturbation abilities of a repressed housewife. As our story resumes in this sequel, Sue has been invited to Jane's house for dinner, where she meets her husband Dick and a stuffy friend of theirs named Charles. When Jane blurts out that Sue is a writer of erotica, the men scoff at Sue. They think she is merely a Barbara Cartland type. Sue rises to the challenge and offers to read one of her stories out loud, with the agreement that its quality will be measured by Charles's peter meter, which at the time was easily hidden beneath the napkin on his lap. So Sue read from "Louvre Love." Actually, this was a bad choice, since (as we all know) this particular story received a modest rating of 7.5 in Celestial Reviews, whereas most of Sue's stories are 10's. I think "Here Cums Santa" or "To Serve and Protect" would have been better choices. Perhaps Sue made this choice deliberately, to avoid straining Charles's gauge, which probably wasn't capable of registering a 10. To make a long story short, the story works; but alas, Dick dislikes perversion and refers to Sue as a cunning temptress. (Had I been there, of course, he would have referred to me as a cunning linguist. But I think either epithet would fit Sue accurately.) Jane defends her friend's reputation, and soon tendrils of pleasure are racing around Sue's body while Charles begins to fuck her and Jane observes unobtrusively. Enough! You'll have to read the story yourself to find out who comes how often and where and whether Dick finally overcomes his inhibitions and has fun with Jane. This is an excellent story, only minimally reminiscent of the book of the same title that many of usread when we were in the first grade. This story (combined with this review) will be especially useful for cunning linguists or for students whose teachers require them to look up and use a word a day. I mean, in addition to ribald sex, this story is full of tendrils, epithets, and ogling - as well as a vivid reference to the Louvre - which, of course, is located near the Champs Elysee. (Rating: 10) "A Toast to Friends" by Mr. Bill (wpheckel@pgh.nauticom.net). This story was posted twice in rapid succession. I recommend the reposted version, because the author made subtle but important improvements that add to the enjoyment of the story. This is a tale about a woman who is reunited with her old boyfriend and reclines to enjoy a movie with him. Suddenly she finds herself tied up, blindfolded, and in the midst of fantastic sex with him - or is she? Read the story to find out! (Rating: 10) "The Surprise" by A Sensitive Man (kessler@phl.net). This is a story about a yuppie insurance salesman named Prince, who has an attractive wife whom he regards as his beautiful, personal possession. She likes being his possession, and it thrills her greatly to do anything to please him. One of the things he likes to do is inflict pain on her. She likes this pain, because its lingering effects make her realize what a great guy he was to hurt her like that. "She loved him so. He would never press her pain limits. Her Prince was firm but never cruel." The title refers not to any surprising event, but rather to a wonderful present. Actually, there are two surprises. The first is an ass plug, which Prince presents to Alexa at the restaurant, so that she can insert it into her freshly paddled ass and wear it for the first time in public. Thus, it serves as another reminder of how much she loves her Prince. Also, it is an important step in overcoming her childish inhibitions. Having a plug in her ass at the restaurant makes her a fuller woman. In addition, Prince gives his future wife a second surprise - a strap- on dildo with which she can fuck *his* ass. She is thrilled with the present, and dresses up like a punk rock singer to minister to Prince's virgin asshole. They engage in some surprisingly (to me, that is) tender foreplay, and Alexa treats Prince pretty much like he usually treats her while she works the dildo into his asshole. She brings him to probably the best orgasm of his life. Partly as a reward for giving him this orgasm and partly as a punishment for wearing lip gloss on her ass without asking for permission, Prince immediately thereafter beats Alexa severely with a whip. This makes her ass red, which makes her very beautiful. This punishment makes Alexa happy, but that gets Prince upset (because only he is supposed to be happy over her punishment); and so he beats her more severely, which only gives her more pleasure. It makes her sad that she's not making him happy; and I suppose her sadness makes him happy - but then his happiness over her sadness would give pleasure to Alexa. Oh dear! This is more complex than I thought! After the beatings, he kisses her gently and whispers how sorry he is to have had to punish her. He tells her what a good girl she was to take her punishment so bravely. Then they fall happily asleep in each other's arms. I'm pretty sure I got the description right. It sounds kinda goofy to me, but I understand a lot of people take this stuff seriously. I've been told by perfectly sane people that pain can be really pleasurable. I can't inflict physical pain on the author, but as a reward for this story, I'll risk inflicting a little psychological pain in the form of a few irreverent remarks before I conclude this review. Irreverent question: Wouldn't it be better for Prince to insert a referee's whistle up Alexa's ass instead of a butt plug? That way, whenever she farted *everybody* would know how much Prince loved her. The whistle would have fit the title better, especially if they would have ordered beans for dinner. I mean, talk about a surprise! Or maybe a harmonica - Yeah, she could play music by the Artist Formerly Known as Prince on it. Ooops! I'm losing my objectivity. Another question: If the author wants me to take this story seriously, shouldn't he give the protagonist a name other than Prince? I don't know how others feel; but even if this were a true story about a guy named Prince - and Prince is a fine name - I think for purposes of the story I would change the name to Bill, or George - anything but Prince or Sue! The title and its association with sex bring back memories from my college days. {I hesitate to tell this story, because it might offend lexicographers, and god knows they already suffer enough. But what's the chance that there would be any such drudges lurking on this newsgroup?) The story that I heard from my English literature professor was that Samuel Johnson's wife came home unexpectedly one afternoon and found the Great Lexicographer fucking the bejesus out of a young woman. "Samuel," huffed Mrs. J., "I'm surprised!" "No, my dear," replied Dr. J. "*I'm* surprised. You're *astonished*." (That was the punch line. If you are not currently overcome with laughter, go back four lines and reread.) I didn't realize it when I first heard this story, but Samuel Johnson was (in more ways than one, perhaps) a cunning linguist - a trait claimed by a veritable plethora of a.s.s. readers. In conclusion, the main reason Prince loves Alexa is because she is docile and beautiful. I can identify with the beautiful part, but docility is just not part of my personality; and thank god my husband prefers beauty to docility. I'm told that lots of real-life feminists get high on being docile and submissive during lovemaking; and I think I can understand this. However, there is no evidence of any strength of personality in this story; Alexa is presented simply as an insipid wallflower. This isn't my kind of fantasy, but if it's yours - c'est la vie. La dolce vita! Semper ubi sub ubi! (Rating: 6) "Night Moves" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi). A man stealthily enters the chamber of a sleeping woman. He removes his clothing and then slides into bed beside her. When the startled woman awakens and tries to resist, he forces himself on her. Javahead writes in a clear style that conveys action concisely but intensely. A rape story has to be pretty good to make me enjoy it; and I enjoyed this one. (Rating: 10) *"Anna" by Michelle D. Lurker. This was a truly delightful story. I don't want to tell you too much about it, because the enjoyment lies in finding out what's going to happen next. Basically, a young man is living with a young woman who is his friend but not his lover. The relationship is strained, and both are confused. One day she is granted a magic wish, and she wishes that something would happen to make their relationship better. Poof! He becomes an extremely attractive woman, and the plot begins to thicken. Don't miss it! (Rating: 10) *"Lessons in Lust" by Kid Dynamite. In the past, when I have reviewed D&s stories, I have been unable to understand the point of the stories. Why would anyone want to undergo degradation and humiliation in order to achieve a sexually submissive status? An analogy that I have used is this: if it's a bad idea for slave owners to beat people in order to make them pick cotton more efficiently, why is it a good idea to torture women (or men) in order to make them better sexual playthings? This story gave me a different insight into D&s. It's about a college-age girl who is staying with her wealthy aunt and cousin and is being trained by them in the arts of lust. The "punishments" in this story consist not of whippings and electrical shocks (as in some other stories of this genre), but rather sexual "punishments," such as being brought to an orgasm under embarrassing circumstances or being required to reveal shameful thoughts to the mistress. In a certain sense these events are not really "punishments" - they feel bad only because they are associated with a sense of shame, and (according to the philosophy upon which the story is based) this sense of shame is false and should be abolished. This is the first D&s story that has ever explained to me the meaning of the word "slut." Here is that the mistress in this story says about the slut: "The slut is a perfect creature. She is strong, free, self-possessed, and satisfied. The struggle inside you is the struggle between 'bad' and 'hot', is it not? These things all seem so 'bad'. You've probably said to yourself 'I'm a bad girl,' or 'I can't believe how bad I am.' Well, it's true. You are a bad girl, Lisa. These things are all 'bad'. So why do you do them? Because they're 'hot.' Bad equals hot, for you, doesn't it? You secretly long to be oh, so bad, because you feel it hit you right here.... "The slut is the woman who knows it's bad, but wants it anyway. Needs it. Longs for it. The heat inside her drives her beyond 'bad girl' and 'good girl', to simply 'slut'. The slut is the woman who listens to her instinct. Who ignores the pathetic notion of 'morality'. There is no 'morality', no 'right' or 'wrong'. No 'good' or 'bad'. Only one thing - pleasure. Only pleasure can free you from the hopelessly contradictory, confusing, impossible constraints that hold us back." From the perspective expressed in the preceding paragraph, the girl receiving the "training in lust" is not a complete fool who wants to be degraded, but rather a person who is undergoing training that will make her superior to others. I personally don't buy this extreme hedonistic philosophy, but at least I can understand it. What I can especially understand is how sane people who lead wholesome lives could derive enjoyment from reading and thinking about such experiences. Having said all these nice things (at least I meant them to be nice), I also have to add that parts of the story still seemed silly to me. At one point, for example, we have Lisa wandering about naked with a banana shoved up her cunt and a carrot up her ass, with just the carrot greens sticking out. Overall, however, it was a good story. One of the marks of a good author is that he/she can present a story in such a way as to make people who differ from those in the story suspend reality and temporarily see life from the perspective of the characters in the story. This author (whose very name destroys the serious mood of my review) successfully brought me to the point where I could say, "If I were Lisa, I think I would feel just the way she feels." (Rating: 10) TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be eliminated. I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the sober serious business at hand. Here is this issue's Tip: {This is a moderately advanced topic. I had to teach this topic to my students this week, and I got turned on by some of the examples that I thought of but couldn't use with my students. I'll go back to basics next week.} RESTRICTIVE PHRASES AND CLAUSES. A RESTRICTIVE PHRASE OR CLAUSE is one that is so essential to the meaning of the sentence (or clause) that it cannot be omitted without substantially changing the meaning of the sentence (or clause). Restrictive phrases and clauses are NOT set off by commas. In general, when we say these phrases and clauses orally, we do not pause when we speak them. On the other hand, NON-RESTRICTIVE PHRASES OR CLAUSES are not considered by the writer to be essential to the meaning of the sentence - they just add additional information. Non-restrictive information IS set off by commas. For example, "My girlfriend who likes oral sex was with me at the movie." If the writer punctuates the sentence in this way, he is suggesting that the information conveyed by "who likes oral sex" is essential. The most likely explanation is that he has more than one girlfriend, and the one who was with him at the movie was the one who likes oral sex. The same words would have a different meaning if they were punctuated like this: "My girlfriend, who likes oral sex, was with me at the movie." This would mean that he has one girl girlfriend (who likes oral sex and was with him at the movie). By putting the words "who likes oral sex" within commas the author is saying that they are non-restrictive - that is, they don't change the meaning of the sentence; they just add some additional meaning. {Here's why grammarians use the word *restrictive* to describe this use of commas. In the first example, the guy has many girlfriends, and "who likes oral sex" *restricts* the reference to a subset - in this case to just one of them. In the second example, the guy has only one girlfriend, and so "who likes oral sex" *does not restrict* the reference to a subset.} I recently read the following comment in the disclaimer at the beginning of a story: "This is my first story, written from a woman's point of view." I think the author meant to leave out the comma. Without the comma, the sentence would suggest that the author had written other stories, but none of these was written from a woman's point of view. With the comma, it means that this is the first story he ever wrote (or published), and this first story is written from a woman's point of view. Technically, the same logic should be applied even to single words: "The woman enjoyed having sex with her dog Ralph." Without a comma between "dog" and "Ralph," this sentence technically suggests that the woman had more than one dog, but her sexual enjoyment with canines was restricted to Ralph. However, lots of good writers ignore this nuance - especially if the number of dogs would be clear from the context or if nobody would care anyway. Another good reason to omit the comma with a non- restrictive word or phrase occurs when the comma would add (rather than remove) confusion. For example, "In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue, her dog, Ralph, the night watchman, Bill, and Ray, her ex-husband." In this example, it's not obvious whether Ralph is the dog, the night watchman, or a separate person. It would be more obvious that Sharon had fucked only four animate beings if the sentence were punctuated like this: "In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue, her dog Ralph, the night watchman Bill, and Ray, her ex-husband." Of course, a better solution might be for Sharon to become celibate - or at least monogamous. If you are really alert, you may have noticed that in the review of "Fun with Dick and Jane" I was faced with a problem with a restrictive phrase. (Some English teachers have problems with their periods; I have problems with my restrictive phrases. Both my husband and I prefer it this way.) Here is how I decided to punctuate the sentence: "Sue had been invited to Jane's house for dinner, where she met her husband Dick and a stuffy friend of theirs named Charles." Since I did not put commas around Dick, I may seem to be suggesting that Jane was a bigamist. Actually, I omitted the commas because the sentence would have been awkward. If I told you that "Sue met Jane's husband, Dick, and a friend named Charles," you might have thought that Jane's husband and Dick were separate persons. So that's why I didn't put commas around the non-restrictive Dick. (By the way, as I have mentioned several times, my husband's dick is restrictive; and I've discovered that he doesn't like it when I put commas around his Dick, which is actually named John Thomas.)