Celestial Reviews 20 - Sept 16, 1995
Note: Although it should be obvious to you that I have fun with these
reviews, I want to assure you that I do take them seriously. I try to
offer insights that will help readers select stories, that will help
authors improve their stories, and that will help potential authors get
started. When I give a somewhat negative review, I try to write it in
such a way that the author will (1) use it as a basis for self-
improvement and (2) enjoy reading the review itself. We'll see about
that!
- Celeste
"Life's a Beach" by Sue (Sex on the beach) 4
"The Ballad of Wrangler Jane" by Ann Douglas (Celebrity
sex in the American west) 9
"Me and My Daddyluv" by the Bear (Incest) 5
"First Time's the Charm" by the Bear (Sex with very young
girl) 6
"Pleasuring Oneself" by: ^v^ ^v^ (Masturbation) 1
"White Hands" by Deidre Ng (Miscellaneous fantasies &
sex) 8
"Young Becky" by The Whole Nine Yards (sex with a really
little girl) 8
"Dream" by deirdre (athletic fantasy) 8
"Hear" by deirdre (lesbian bondage) 10
"Life's a Beach" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com). This story is not up to Sue's
usual high standards. I found it to be hard to focus on the sexual
activity in this story - which was the only reason to be reading it -
because I was distracted by details and by mistakes in logic and
grammar. Part of the problem is that the story is written in the first
person. ("I did this... You did that...." ) This is sometimes a
useful style, but in this case I was confused by it. For example, when
I read at the beginning that the narrator was wearing a skimpy pink
bikini and her friend ("you") a skimpy black bikini, I assumed I was
reading about two females. As I continued with the story I envisioned
one woman giving an erotic massage to another, but then several
paragraphs later I came upon a reference to "shooting semen." So I
reread the earlier passage and concluded that nothing in the text
actually ruled out the theory that the person in the black bikini might
be a guy. So I readjusted my thinking and continued reading the story
as one about a heterosexual couple.
My point is that in some cases, concealing the gender of the characters
or springing a surprise like this may be an effective literary
technique; but this is not one of those cases. The whole idea of this
story is to enable the reader to visualize erotic activities; and here
I was over a fourth of the way through the story, before I suddenly
realized I had the wrong picture. I guess I would have had the correct
picture if I had read Sue's earlier story about the same couple, or if
I used my knowledge that Sue is in real life a really sexy blond
bombshell; but I really think it is reasonable to expect a story to
stand alone. Likewise, I guess I could have inferred the gender of
Black Bikini through references to "strong fingers and muscles" - but
I've become so liberated lately that I assume that some female lovers
have strong fingers and muscles.
As another example of confusion, here's a passage from Part 2. {My
comments are bracketed like this.} "The cold water had shrunk your
cock up much smaller that {= than} usual, and it stuck straight out
from your crotch . This contrasted with your balls, which were filled
with come {= cum} that had accumulated during your lotioning of my
body. {This just isn't the way it works biologically. I don't think
Masters & Johnson or any other researchers have ever noted a detectable
enlargement of the male scrotum that could be attributed to increased
quantities of semen that accumulated during a single session of
lovemaking. Actually, this would be an optical illusion. The balls
would probably actually *shrink* from the cold; but they would appear
larger in comparison to the penis, which would shrink much more rapidly
(because that's what penises do - engorge and shrink, engorge and
shrink, ad infinitum - or, I suppose, ad minimum). The skin would be
stretched tightly because the outer skin of the scrotum would shrink in
response to cold much more rapidly than the inner contents of the
scrotum, which would remain at a relatively constant temperature. } The
skin of your balls was stretched tight and smooth over the swollen
eggs. {I guess the balls are the "swollen eggs." But, then, I've never
seen an egg swell.} It looked somehow cherubic and beautiful. {Is "it"
the skin? I'm just having a hard time envisioning this. I think of
people as being cherubic, but skin?}
Actually, when I look at that passage with all my jargon thrown into
it, Sue's original passage looks a lot better! But I'm pretty sure all
that technical stuff is true. (I got an A on the sex chapter in
college biology. My husband only got a C; but that was before he met
me and we studied engorgement and shrinking together.)
A final problem is that Sue doesn't handle the perspective very well.
The overall format is similar to a letter to her boyfriend - Sue is
reminiscing about what happened on the beach. But she presents some of
the details as if this were the first time he had heard about them.
For example: "This was one of those beach chairs that has those
flexible plastic strips running side to side, forming the seat." The
*reader* may need to know this, but the boyfriend would only need to be
*reminded* of it. Just changing the sentence structure would solve the
problem.
Now that I've alienated Sue completely, I might as well add the
clincher: The guy "fucked her avaricious cunt." Avaricious means
greedy with a strong component of miserliness. What kind of a cunt
does this woman have? My own cunt is often voracious, sometimes
rapacious, but never avaricious. However, the paper boy did refer to
me as an avaricious cunt last year when I forgot to tip him.
(Note: It has come to my attention that there is at least one college
composition course in the United States in which students are allowed
to critique stories they find on the Internet. Yes, the students
called the teacher's bluff and brought in some a.s.s. stories; and yes,
the teacher did permit them to do so. He apparently treats these
stories just like any other literature. What a novel idea! He
apparently became suspicious when one of his students read his report
to the class and referred to the D&s genre, but he pronounced it jen-
ray. Now the professor reads these reviews to check for plagiarism.
Anyhow, since some people are getting academic credit for reading this
review, I would like to point out that the sentence "Celeste is an
avaricious cunt" contains an example of metonymy. It's a much more
interesting example than "counting noses." The sentence "Celeste is
the goddess of a.s.s." contains either an accurate metaphor or a slight
hyperbole.)
On the bright side, I think this is a great final paragraph for Sue's
story: "I fell asleep wondering whether any of the other people on the
beach would walk by during our nap. What would they have seen -- my
cunt dripping semen down through the slats of the chair, onto your limp
cock, which was coated with streaks of already-dry come -- or would
they just have paid attention to the smug and satisfied smiles on our
faces?" Unfortunately, Sue has two paragraphs after this one. {Am I a
bitch today, or what? I think I may convert to D&s tonight, since I'm
already in the femdom mood.}
Sue is a much better writer than this. I'll give her the same advice I
have given other writers. She should read Sue's "Craftsmanship" and
imitate that author's excellent style.
The only reason to download this story is so that you'll have a
complete collection of Sue's works. It's kinda like "Little Dorrit,"
which would be completely worthless if it weren't written by the same
guy who wrote "David Copperfield" and "Oliver Twist." (I know a great
honeymoon joke about Oliver Twist, but I don't want to digress.) But
anybody that threw away their original of "Little Dorrit" would rue the
day he or she did so.
I have enjoyed Sue's stories so much in the past that I feel compelled
to add an additional paragraph here. Sue numbers her stories. This
was Sue's 8th. "Louvre Love" was her 5th. She's now on her 21st; so
this is an old story. According to my ratings, this story marked the
end of the blue (weak) period of Sue's writing career. Her next story
was "Slippery When Wet" - a 10. In fact, I have reviewed 7 stories
written since this one, and the only non-10 was "Adventureland," which
received a rating of 8. Assuming my ratings are valid, this is an
astonishing rate of improvement.
Finally, I would like to tell Sue what I think she should do with this
story. <pause for effect> Instead of reposting it and some of her
older stories, she should either hide them or *revise* them. It is my
opinion that too few authors revise their stories; they seem to think
that once they've posted a story it's written in stone. (Note the trite
but pithy metaphor.) Not so! Among examples that I can think of, the
Ng sisters have posted revised stories that have shown considerable
maturation of their skills in the revisions. Likewise, Backrub has
revised not only his own stories but occasionally those of other
writers; and the improvements have been substantial. In addition, the
With Sue stories (e.g., "Lab Partners" and "On the Catty Corner") have
almost invariably been excellent - largely, I think, because they go
through a process of substantial revision. If a writer would go to the
trouble of copyrighting a story and publishing it in hardback or
paperback with a regular publisher, I could understand the reluctance
to change it. But one of the advantages of electronic publication is
that it's so easy to make changes. If I ever see this story posted
again, I'd like to see it posted as "Sue's 8th Life's a Beach 2.0."
The 2.0 would connote radical changes.
To prove what an excellent critic I am, I suggest that we all read
Sue's next story. If it's another 10 (which is very likely), we'll
assume that the "improvement" resulted from my critique. (Rating: 4)
"The Ballad of Wrangler Jane" by Ann Douglas (an309642@anon.penet.fi).
This story is a parody of the F Troop television series that appears
regularly in syndication on American cable television. There's really
not a lot of sex in the story; the first two thirds are devoted to
build-up and making the characters compatible with the original series.
I have never in my life watched an entire episode of F Troop, so I
don't know how well the story works as a parody. Assuming the author's
characterizations fit, this is a pretty good story of the female
heroine making love to an Indian princess. (Rating: 9)
"Me and My Daddyluv" by the Bear (al-bear@ix.netcom.com). This is a
story about a 15-year-old daughter whose parents divorce. She has
sexual relations with her father to make him feel better and eventually
becomes his regular sexual companion. The story is realistic in the
sense that it gives a clear presentation of ideas and feelings that are
likely to occur in the mind of a simple-minded girl who has been raised
in an extremely dysfunctional family. The girl is so simple minded
that she thinks it would be a great idea to have a baby with daddyluv
as soon as she turns 25 or so (as if genetic problems clear up at that
age!). We know that the family is seriously dysfunctional because we
have a mother who was sleeping around with a lover in front of her
child and a father who could think of nothing better to do than accept
his daughter's misguided sexual advances. That's two strikes against
the little girl right there. The story came across to me as short but
sad. I would have liked a little more information about the father.
As it is, he just comes across as a moron who can't stay out of his
daughter's pants - if she happens to be wearing any. (Rating: 5)
"First Time's the Charm" by the Bear (al-bear@ix.netcom.com). The Bear
likes to write stories about sexual relationships between partners with
wide age discrepancies. His "Kate and Me" was a beautiful story about
a middle-aged man who fell in love with a teenage girl. Although that
story had plenty of hot sex, the relationship originated when neither
the man nor the woman was looking for sex; they became friends and then
fell in love. The present story relates the sexual experiences of a
26-year-old man with a 13-year-old girl. The first time they meet, she
squeezes past him in a doorway and rubs her body sexually against his.
That night he feels her up on her front porch until her mother calls
her inside. The next morning they get together for a shower and then
fuck their brains out. My point is, there is a huge difference in the
types of relationships described in these two stories. Both stories
are believable, but "Kate and Me" was much better written. There was
moral ambivalence and tension in both stories, but in this one my
dominant reaction was that the guy should get his act together and the
girl should get a personality. (Rating: 6)
Pleasuring Oneself by: ^v^ ^v^ (jason@iglou.com). The author of this
story has in his mind an exciting image of a woman masturbating. His
goal in writing the story is to enable readers who do not already have
that image to share his feelings and emotions. The story doesn't
accomplish that goal at all, primarily because the author follows few
of the rules of expression in the English language. The author
constantly changes verb tenses, he runs sentences together that should
stand alone, and he uses mere fragments of sentences where he should
have whole sentences. English teachers are not the only persons who
get annoyed at this; ordinary readers are likely to simply find
something that's easier to read.
Here's an example of one of the writer's better passages. {My comments
are in brackets, like this.} "She pulls herself over the bed, the
silky soft sheets creasing her buttocks and thighs at {= as} she scoots
back and rests her head on the pillow, looking up for a moment and
seeing the wet juices in a small pile at the edge of the bed really
gets her going. {This is two sentences spliced into one, and the
reader will be upset at not knowing where he is supposed to stop one
thought and start the next. In addition, the reader is likely to
wonder what juices look like when they are "in a small pile at the edge
of the bed." I've never seen this happen!}
In addition, the author should have a plot that goes somewhere. I
don't want to alienate or poke fun at this writer. I think it is
commendable that he wants to get feedback and become a better writer.
His basic problem is that he has an image in his mind that excites him,
and he is failing to communicate that image to his readers. I wish him
luck in the future. (Rating: 1)
"White Hands" by Deidre Ng. This is another one of Deidre's long,
rambling, but enthralling letters to her lascivious sister Tammy.
There's no real plot, just a collection of sexy anecdotes that are
integrated in a clever way. Deidre does two things especially well in
this story. First, she draws parallels between adolescent fantasies
and adult activities. Secondly, she blends together conversations
about sex within other conversations about sex. For example, Deidre
tells Tammy a story that reminds her of someone else telling her a
story that eventually leads to someone doing something else that's
worth talking about. This is an interesting technique - it's sort of
like having a sexual fantasy about having sexual intercourse while
having a sexual fantasy about sexual intercourse. (Oh no! This is
beginning to sound like that recurring dream within a dream within a
dream nightmare that of mine.)
The most significant event in the story is a description of two couples
making love to their own spouses in the same hotel room. Casual
looking was allowed but no spouse swapping, and neither couple was hung
up on watching or being watched. Other than that they didn't make any
rules. This is a pretty hot idea that Tammy carries off well.
A problem with the story is that it seems a little rushed and
disorganized - as if she failed to give it a final proofreading that
would have cleared up some errors - possibly because she was finger
fucking herself while she wrote it, since her boyfriend was out of town
for three weeks. For example, Deidre had this neat idea cited above
about fucking on a double date, but then she used almost the identical
words twice in consecutive paragraphs to describe similar episodes. It
seems to me that Deidre had a good idea, wrote it out, thought of a
better idea, wrote it out, and forgot to delete the original idea --
possibly because she was finger fucking herself while she wrote it,
since her boyfriend was out of town for three weeks. Holy cumshot!
This is contagious! (Rating: 8)
"Young Becky" by The Whole Nine Yards. This is a rather long story
about a 17-year-old boy having sex with his best friend's cute 9-year-
old sister. The action flows smoothly. If I set aside all my
emotional reactions about what kind of asshole would fuck a cute little
girl, I have to admit that I can understand how a 17-year-old could
have fun fantasizing about something like this, especially if he had
trouble getting along with more mature adolescents in his real social
life. In real life, Mike would be considered a pervert; but in the
world of a.s.s. fantasy he's no more abnormal than a kid who enjoys
sucking his own cock or making it with his pet iguana. In the back of
my mind, I can't help thinking that some kid might try this with an
innocent little girl in real life; but I suppose there's an excellent
chance that he would be discovered and either get professional help or
be severely punished. Lest there be any doubt, my rating indicates
that this story is well written - not that I recommend engaging in this
kind of fantasy. (Rating: 8)
"Dream" by deirdre. This is an extremely short short story about a
woman fantasizing about the woman her husband would fantasize about and
then fantasizing about her. That sentence actually makes sense, if you
read the story. The story is short but clever. (Rating: 8)
"Hear" by deirdre. Deirdre is the Sherwood Anderson of a.s.s. She
must have about a thousand of these simple but unusual stories with
one-word titles, and someone has started reposting them again. Her
stories are a wonderful combination of the normal and the weird. In
this one, she relates the story of a young college woman who "thinks
she might like to try a lesbian relationship." Weird. Nice. (Rating:
10)