Celestial Reviews 13 - August 22, 1995
Note: It was kinda flattering to receive a panic-stricken note
expressing the hope that I had not abandoned my reviews! No, I'm still
here. I just had a busy week. I'll post today (Tuesday) and again on
Saturday. Then I'll be back on track.
The delay occurred because I was being a good mother, wife, and lover
and went camping with my family and some friends. I didn't bring my
computer with me. As far as I know, none of the children had sex with
one another or with any of the adults, not did I make love to anyone
other than my husband. Sorry. I tried to post these reviews before I
left town for the weekend, but my service (AOL) was temporarily down.
* = Repost of a previous review
"Licky Learns" by Vickie. (childhood sexuality) 8
"Megan's Ways" by Unknown Author (control) 7
"Backyard Barbeque" by Julie (sex and food) 8
"The Andy Griffith Show" by Shelby Bush (celebrity
sex & romance) 10
"Phone Fantasy Wife" by Michael H. (phone sex &
wife watching) 8
"The Whore and the Captain" by Lori Grenci (sex &
romance in ancient Rome) 10
"All Aboard!" by Backrub (voyeurism on a train) 10
"Tammy Gets Even (Better)" by Tammy Ng. (First
time...2nd time, 3rd time...) 10
*"Adventureland" by Sue (sex in a theme park) 8
"Susan Hampton" - update/correction
"Licky Learns" by Vickie. The author says that she started engaging in
sex at a very young age and suggests that this has made her a richer
person. This is a semi-autobiographical story about a 9-year-old girl
and her 13-year-old babysitter. The babysitter at first rubs the
little girl really nicely during her baths and then begins (at the
little girl's insistence) to engage in more actively sexual forms of
mutual masturbation. (Rating: 8)
"Megan's Ways" by Unknown Author. The heroine of this story once
became pregnant because of her partner's carelessness. Therefore, she
is a control freak - engaging in fairly kinky erotic activities, but
only if she is in complete control of the situation. This is
apparently the first in a series of stories that describe the "rituals"
in which Megan will engage with the narrator. (Rating: 7)
"Backyard Barbeque" by Julie. "Julie, you're great!" "Don't you mean
grape?" This story ends with these words, and they actually make
sense. Why is Julie grape, and why would Brett have that confused with
great? And what's that stuff in the bathtub? Read the story and find
out. (Rating: 8)
"The Andy Griffith Show" by Shelby Bush. This is part 1 of 2 in the
Porno TV series. As Gomer Pyle would say, "Goooooolly! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!" I was expecting satire, but instead I found a
pretty good, humorous, romantic story. This is good wholesome sex -
the family way. Everybody stays in character - except that they have
hormones. Opie makes it with the little girl at the swimming whole.
Barney finally gets inside Thelma Lou's pants. And Andy makes love to
Helen Crump after the rehearsal on the eve of their wedding! I enjoyed
the "Mayberry" stories that I reviewed a couple of weeks ago, but this
one was even better. There's more yet to come. Ernest T. Bass is in
town; and Gomer and Guber are sure to want in on the action. Stay
tuned. (Rating: 10)
"Phone Fantasy Wife" by Michael H. The plot for this story sounded
pretty lame (for his birthday a wife offers to leave her husband at
home and go out and get banged by two other guys during a luxurious
night on the town), but it was actually pretty good. Instead of
actually *watching* his wife, this guy sends her out alone with the
other men, but gets frequent telephone updates via cellular phone. I
don't want to comment on the lifestyles of other people, but in my own
experience this is the sort of activity that will work *only* in
fiction. By that I mean that neither my husband nor I am the sort of
person who could rent out the other for high-risk sex. The long-terms
losses would simply outweigh the short-term gains. And I'm *glad*
we're the way we are - we gain much more by the intimacy we share than
would be possible through what we perceive would be a necessarily
shallow relationship.
On the other hand, imagining such things happening can be stimulating.
The problem that I personally face is overcoming my gut-level reaction
against what I consider to be such a silly idea in my real life. To
make it work for me, the writer needs to build in the right amount of
variety, suspense, and titillation; and this author does a pretty good
job. I think this story will appeal to people who already like wife-
watching stories, but will leave other readers unmoved. (Rating: 8)
"The Whore and the Captain" by Lori Grenci This is my kind of story:
both sexy and literate. I'm not a Trekkie, but I'm told that Picard is
a cold, passionless leader on Star Trek. I guess that's why he's
always fucking his brains out when he appears in these a.s.s. stories.
In this story Picard gets sent back through a wormhole into ancient
Rome, 2000 years before his own time. He finds himself in the company
of a prostitute, who takes good care of him. It's a really good story.
(Rating: 10)
"All Aboard!" by Backrub. This isn't as good as some of Backrub's
other stories, but it's still better than stories by other authors that
have received ratings of 9. It's a short but intense story about a man
riding a train out of Chicago. He watches a couple make love after all
the other passengers have fallen asleep, and then he joins in the fun.
The story ends a little abruptly - but maybe that was deliberate. This
may sound picky, but I wish Backrub would reread this story just once
more before he reposts it again, and clear up the few remaining bad
verb tenses. I guess that *was* picky; but you have to remember that
the great majority of readers of a.s.s are highly intelligent people
(mostly English teachers, librarians, prostitutes, and speakers of the
House) who are offended by the misuse of their native tongue. (Rating:
10)
"Tammy Gets Even (Better)" by Tammy Ng. This story was posted over a
week ago; but if you follow my advice, you routinely download all
stories by the Ng sisters. If you don't find this one in your files,
you'll have to prevail on the generosity of the younger Ms Ng to repost
this one. Here's some dialogue from the story:
"You're the best," he said.
"Oh am I," I said, "I'm very flattered."
"You're also the worst and the prettiest and the ugliest and the
tallest and the shortest."
"Am I also first and last and only?"
"Yes."
"Oh, dear." And I hugged him closer.
It's refreshing to read about an adult male getting deflowered by a
female who doesn't feel a psychotic need to dominate or humiliate him!
The virginity lasts only a little while (the next night they do it in
the darkroom, while developing photographs - which is another first for
me!) - but I thought it was downright tender and sexy. (Rating: 10)
*"Adventureland" by Sue. I love theme parks. Disney World in Orlando is an
especially romantic place. In this story, a woman manages to get into the
Pirates of the Caribbean attraction after everyone else has left it. She
masturbates and engages in sexual fantasies with the characters. The punch
line is that one of the characters turns out to be the college kid who runs
the attraction, and he fucks her and slips away before she realizes that he
wasn't part of her imagination. I liked the story a lot. I'm sure there are
religious people somewhere who would be repulsed at the thought of a Disney
employee taking advantage of an innocent customer; but what the hell - this
story takes place in an atmosphere in which the "legitimate" fantasy consists
of fun-loving pirates looting villages and gleefully carrying off the female
prisoners. When I've taken my kids on that ride, I've often mentally noted
that in real life the pirates would have had their sexual jollies with the
women they were chasing. Being captured and raped by a pirate probably wasn't
as much fun as Disney suggests. In real life Disney employees who have sex
with customers who are masturbating with the characters should be fired; just
as pirates who rape and pillage should normally be hanged after a fair trial.
It was fun to read a story in which a modern pirate took advantage of a
damsel. On the downside, you really do have to stretch your imagination to
buy into the story. But overall, it was just good clean fun. (Rating: 8).
"Susan Hampton" by Unknown Author. In Celestial Reviews 12, I reacted
negatively to this story. As I stated in that review, a major part of
the problem was that I couldn't understand the mythology underlying it.
Since I posted the review, several readers have informed me that this
story was originally posted under the title "Needful Things" and was
based on characters in the Stephen King novel of the same name. A very
specific set of ground rules (of which I was unaware) certainly
applies. The lead character is not, in fact, THE Devil, but rather a
somewhat lesser demon who delivers soul to Satan by granting people
their wishes. I guess if you're a Stephen King enthusiast, you'll be
familiar with this background, and my enjoy the story more than I did.
My review was still very insightful (and I hope Mr. King receives a
copy and benefits from it), but I thought you might like this
information.