I know what they want-why they stare after me. The sea ruffles the small pebbles, stirs them, forgets them, and retreats. Boys run along the chain pier. I hear their boots, their clattering, the singing sound of their laughter. The lamentations of the seagulls cut the air. Come now, watch now, come.
There are watchers-I know of them-the aunts tall and lonely on the stairs, waiting for the postman who will never come. The laurel leaves grow dry, the sheets rustle. Breasts to breasts the slow coming and going of breaths.
I have watched them at daybreak in their lonely ways. They have come upon me as shadows, signs, portents. I have pasted smiles upon my lips and stared. My eyes, it is said, are brown, my thighs are long.
Do not sway your hips, girl, I am told. What a nonsense is this. I am the lure, the catch, the key, the lock. My arms bind as seaweed binds, as grass curls round the cutter after rain. Come now, here now, kiss.
A breeze stirs the ribbons of my bonnet. I cross the promenade and skirt the Royal Pavilion. The streets extend, the clock strikes four. Shall there be toast for tea? Jingling their harness as they trot, the horses gravely nod. The proud and the foolish note my passing. Their carriages bob upon their springs. Turning I stare towards the distant beach. Too vast the sea, too deep, too wide. I shall speak of this to others and to Julian, but they will not respond. Their memories have curled, grown brown-tired in the sun. I have watched them in their breedings under the elms, beneath the sunshades, in the summer-house. Shall I become as they? Break the mirrors into which they stare-and run.
Julian would not come with me. I wished him to. We are such a short time wed. He is self-conscious in his goings with me. How strange.
Let the men look at you, he remarks. How sadly surly is his tone. I wish not to speak of such matters. I disregard his eyes that search mine for denials.
They will perhaps, yes.
I am curt in my responses. Why do I speak of things of which I do not wish to speak? I linger at the window of a dress emporium. The brown gown, the brown gown of silk would suit me best. Reflections of the passers-by come and go like ghosts, like people who were lost at sea, far in the deep waves ever falling down. A girl laughs in passing, hanging upon the arm of a man whose hat is at a tilt. He cares not for her, I feel sure. She is but a neat appendage to his goings, his arrivals, his watch chain glittering.
She is nice. Did you like her-like her nice?
Her face turns towards me-a roundish face endeavouring to become oval. I am regarded, looked upon. The meeting of our eyes is without purpose. She speaks of me, I believe. In turn he stares-a down and upward look. I am possessed, turned over, done with in his eyes.
All right, she's all right. A swell, I'd say.
Gone, they are gone, into their nothing knowingness of unknowing. The pavement slurs beneath their feet, grey, gritty. Memories of the sea that it has never seen. Will Julian have missed me? I shall wear my shy look or perhaps my austere. The austere fits me better, I believe. Father always told me so to look. Let my eyes bewilder and the sun shall dance. In my childhood on the garden swing, father would tell me always to sit upright, my hands high up upon the ropes, the apple blossoms falling on my hair. Sometimes I would throw my head back, going with my eyes into the sky the blue sky but not the grey for the grey was too regarding of me. Perhaps like cobwebs it would touch my hair, entangle me, draw me inwards, upwards. There would be moisture then upon my lips, father said, for the grey sky was the moist sky and the blue the dry.
In between the shadows and the light I move, the faces of the walkers seen and never seen again. They are drawn to the beach, to the sea, to their perdition.
Where is Perdition, father? I would ask him often. Not replying, he would shake his head, perhaps aware of my becoming. One day when I had asked too often, he replied.
It is a place, Laura, where the shadows deepen and the doors are closed. It is a place of supplication, of remonstrance, yielding, and desire.
I grew not frightened but drew the drapes of the study window against the sun, the seeking light, leaving a thin gap where the particles of dust could dance.
My voice was dull, look solemn as his own. Motionless we stood. Downstairs the clicking of my mother's knitting needles pecked at wool. We were alone, there was a quietness. A cart rumbled past below, rough voices sounded, such voices as sound foreign to one's ears.
Perdition is within you, veiled. Do you not seek it, Laura?
I did not know. Sometimes he would know my knowing even though my words had not appeared like players on a stage before him.
I do not know, father.
You must know of it, for it will come upon you-the wanting of release, yet wanting not release, the burgeoning of blossoms in your hair, the air that cools your limbs upon the swing. You are grown too old now for the swing. Your summers count eighteen. When the moment comes upon you in its coming, you must fall. Into perdition. You understand?
No air brushed my lips within the room. Was there air? I would have moved back to the curtains, but his hand stayed me.
You understand.
The question mark had slipped, slipped from his voice. It had hidden at our feet, a small black twist of sound between my toes. My silence was a tunnel in which secrets flowed. I knew the dryness and the summer heat, the far faint sounds beyond, voices floating, passing the house like small clouds urgent in their going.
Yes.
I knew. I felt the cold, the warmth. The shadows deepened and the door was closed. Could I be saved? The people would be hushed, the eyes would watch, the woods be searched. Iron railings rusting in the grass would be turned over for the footprints that might lie beneath.
In the second left-hand drawer of the desk, Laura, there is a strap. You will hand it to me.
Through a mountain of stillness moving I moved. The drawer squeaked faintly as if surprised that it was I. Only a strap lay within, brown-coiled and broad, a serpent in its waiting. Its surface was subtle, smooth. My hand trembled not. In my handing it to his hand my hand was steady.
Upon his word the desk received me. The leather stung, burnishing my burning. In Perdition there is only the receiving. I yielded, fell far faint, received. Forlorn, the furniture would not look. The inkstand stood busy in its inkness, uncaring of my cries in my undoing.
Go-brush your hair, he said at last. Eternities had passed. I smoothed my dress. Our eyes tangled like thorns, fought like rapiers, then I dropped my head. Walk proudly, Laura, for you shall otherwise be known. The burning of perdition has received you.
Yes.
I had accepted, received. Father drew the curtains back. The street had emptied. Solemn as forgotten sentinels the laburnum trees stirred not. A cat prowled by the railings, descended steps and sat upon the flagstones. My eyes were the eyes of the cat. My hips stirred, moved, fought their rebellions and then were stilled. I of the empty swing, the blossoms from the branches that would fall no more across my eyes.
There will be moments of proudness, Laura-the high reach of your being.
Yes.
Even so you shall not refuse.
My chin was taken, my eyes absorbed. The toys of my childhood were put away, the cupboards locked. A tumbling of dolls-a small unsqueaking silence-then the turning of the key.
I did not know.
I excused my ignorance in my burning. My voice was a small wave that laps too hesitantly upon the beach, withdrawing into the vast waters, shy, uncertain of its first tasting of the sand. It mattered not. There was a safety. Nets had been brought, cushioning my fall. I trembled, touched, touched in my tremblings. Burned and infused I sought my comforting. Too brief it was and yet an hour had passed. Passing through fire, I felt not singed. Deeper in my knowing now, I knew.
You have been long at your speaking, mother said when we descended.
There is a time for speaking. Does she not brush her hair well? father asked.
In her immaculacy is her salvation, mother said. She folded her arms and gazed at me. I did not blush. The tide had receded. There was a smell of furniture polish in the room. I was whole in my wholeness. At the tea table I chewed lettuce and felt its crispness, cold to my tongue. Diamonds of water glittered on its greenness in its bowl. The maid came and went, serving her betters. She had known not the searing of the strap, the roaring of the sea about her ears, the aftermath of quiet.
The square before me opens now. Do I venture the right way or the wrong? The streets look ever much the same. Here now, there now-wrong? Where are the builders gone, the bricklayers in their billycocks, hands grey or red with dust? To some far place where hunger took them, the roads angry and hard beneath their feet, forgetting what they built-the doors finished and the windows placed, the air within closed, made ready. Spaces for movement-the grave dance of anticipations. O the poor men gone, long gone.
I glance this way and that. This street? That street? Julian ever said that I would lose myself. I am so bad in my remembering. Window sashes are raised, yet betray not the deep darknesses within, the movements of bodies, the searchings, the unread papers that the pen has left. I shall wear my grey tonight. Will Julian's mother come? The maid will be prepared, turn down the sheet.
A smell of butter. Why? From whence? I like the smell of butter. Mother said it would make me a voluptuary. I ignored her. My quietness was in my knowing.
Laura!
The voice that calls I know not. I walk on, my eyes imperious yet my gait subdued.
Do not swing your hips, girl.
Laura, you are late!
The voice again. I turn. My footsteps falter.
Why are you late again-always late?
From the high stone steps of a tall house the woman descends, my elbow seized. Do I wish to follow? My path is turned. The steps my little mountain to ascend. Go within, Laura. He is angry in his waiting. Do you forget this?
I am shuffled, pushed, the log dark hall receives me. In my confusion I reach for a doorknob. My wrist is slapped.
Why do you always make the same mistakes, always, always? Here now, there now, go within, to the other door. Do not remove your bonnet before you are spoken to. Why did you not wear your blue one today?
The room I enter is a mystery of space. Too high the ceiling and too long the walls.
She was late. Was she late? The man who speaks stands and regards me. He is neither thin nor portly. His eyes speak of night adventures. Once father stroked my hair at midnight and told me of tigers prowling for prey in the far jungles of India and the Orient. I have seen the high sun in its descent-have felt the cold of moonlight on my breasts, my nipples sparkling with the fire of kisses.
She is always late-look at her bonnet-the ribbons are too bright. Stand still, girl. How old are you? Do you not remember?
She is twenty-two. It is known. She has not changed. Has she changed since yesterday? No, I think not.
His voice is gentle, velvet over steel. I want his eyes to be kind yet they will not meet mine. He is perhaps too knowing. I scan the room slowly, unmoving, seeking knowingness, a recognition, rebelling at strictures that must surely seize me here. The furniture is heavy, somnolent. I know it not. It speaks of dust, of buried days. Will it look?
She had her breakfast and lunch-she was a good girl.
The woman speaks. Where is Julian? This house is not his house. Father will surely come, importantly, through the door, brooking no refusals. My hips stir. It is seen.
Their hands do not touch me. The man regards me, sighs, reseats himself, takes up a book. I must learn the titles of the books. All such things are important. Father instructed me. A Meissen figure takes my gaze. How inhuman the smoothness. Would I as milkmaid look so smooth, so small? Many are the ornaments, the mirrors- an elegance of shelves, a waiting of whatnots.
She must be bathed, the man says. What does she want for tea?
Toast is her favourite. Muffins will serve her better.
The woman pushes me. Into the hall again. Cloaks of great mystery hang upon a stand. The door stands ajar. She left it so. My eyes seek it with hopes, but it disregards me. Would that the builders would come, running over the Downs, knowing it open.
Millie will see to you, Laura. I cannot be forever running after you. You have always been his favourite. It is known. The water is run. Let it not grow tepid, Millie- are you there, girl, there?
Ma'am, yes.
She comes at a run. Seeing me, she curtsies.
Miss Laura, you are late.
I have told her that she is late, told her, told her. Take her up. The woman's voice is irritable.
At the first turning of the stairs. The bathroom is commodious. The fireplace charmed by unburned coal lies dead.
I would have lit it if you had come late tonight, Miss.
Yes, Millie. It is not cold.
That it ain't, Miss. We 'ave the best of it here in Brighton, though some folks say Eastbourne is sunnier, but I don't believe it. They're a stuffier lot in Eastbourne, they are. Was your walk nice? You didn't meet any gentlemen, I hopes.
There is no need to answer. I know her place, her type, her stance-the chirpy, over-anxious, quick desires to please, placate, enquire. Father told me always to disregard the speech of servants unless they were required for errands of a private nature. Unclothed, I throw back my hair and regard myself in a mirror. Was it always stained? I have been here before? Memories of brown around its edges-a splotch in the middle. Was I here before?
The water laves me. The sponge moves in her uncertain hand, drawn from its secret home in some far seabed. Has Julian's mother come?
What is the time, Millie?
Close on five, Miss. He said when you come in that you was to go straight to your bedroom. After your rest.
Yes, of course, yes. Use more soap, you stupid girl.
Five is too late, too late. You shall not refuse, Laura.
The door opens. The woman stands not disapproving as I dry, am dried.
If I refuse? I ask her. I wish to know the answer. My eyes are proud. Her stare encompasses my stare.
You cannot. Have you ever done so? You were always good, were you not?
Yes, I reply. I do not let my shoulders slump.
There, then. Brush your hair now.
Her voice is softer. She waits, waits in her waiting until all is done. My pubic hair is fluffed. When dry the curls stand crisp, yet move to the hand. She is younger than mother, tall and well-built. Her eyes have the look of eyes that are looked at. Her rust-coloured dress is neither poor nor opulent. Her wedding finger is unwed. She glances at my own as Millie draws my stockings on.
Why did you wed, Laura?
I do not know.
I want my voice to cry or laugh. It will do neither.
He is weak, of course. Wear this chemise-and your boots. Your drawers are not required. Go to your room and wait. Wine will be brought. After your muffins. What a girl you are for toast and muffins. Go to your room.
Millie is quiet. She gathers up my clothes, her hands more reverential than they were. The chemise of white batiste is short. It floats about my hips, clinging.
My room, how do I know my room, and yet I know. Along the corridor, the second door, opening upon mystery. A scent of yesterdays. Fresh linen, a white bowl on a marble stand, enclosing a white jug of pure still water. The brass rails of the bed gleam. The bedsprings tinkle to my coming. In a moment a maid enters with toast and muffins.
Will you have white wine afterwards, Miss, or the red?
The white. German and not French. Do I not always have that?
Yes, Miss, I forgets, what with all the comings and goings. I was told to say it's half past six now you'll be ready. Ill bring the wine straightaway if I may.
Yes.
My voice is distant as befits my mood. A restlessness of waiting is upon me. The curtains must be drawn-a gap left for the dust. No one will think of that save I.
The butter from the muffins runs upon my fingers- rich.
CHAPTER TWO
The wine is gone. The tang of it upon my tongue. Should I have drunk all? Does it dishonour my breath? When tigers prowled I drank liqueurs, the sheet of my bed ruffled into rivers we had swum. Burnished by moonlight I lay in my quiescence, liquid in sin.
At the first footsteps on the stairs I breathe more quietly. I know them to be his. The doorhandle rattles gently and is turned. My thoughts turn, run, and hide like children in an orchard who have taken apples.
The sea air, do you like it? Striding across the room he asks. He has found the gap where the curtains stir.
It is pleasant, yes. I was born in the country.
You do not speak of the past here. There is only the present.
Yes.
My voice is as quiet as a fallen leaf. My legs tremor. He observes me not. I have spoken gently, quietly. I await retribution. Go down, go down, into the grass, the sand, the sea. Find the roots, the fronds, the waving tips. Delicate.
There were miracles. Once there were miracles, Laura. Men had land, they strode across it, riding the Downs in their coming, tall in the mornings, their hopes unfettered. Upon coming to the sea they knew their journeys. We are the landlocked. All beyond is possessed, reserved and taken. And in the jungles prowl the tigers bright. You know of this.
The question mark is dropped-dropped as of old. I catch it in its falling, secrete it in the valley between my breasts. It nestles there, coils and uncoils, then it sleeps.
Am I to reply? I know not my place, my stance, and yet I know to lie here in my waiting. The strap hangs from his grasp. It is wider even than the strap I knew-the snapping bites of my perdition.
Answer, girl, answer! Were you not taught?
His command comes to me so suddenly that I jump. In my lying-down I jump. He turns-observes the rondeur of my knees, the thighs, my gleaming calves, the tight-lacing of my boots. I must not leave heel marks.
Do not leave heel marks on the couch, Laura.
I have been where the tigers stir-have seen the moonlight cold upon their flanks.
And upon your own? Were there mirrors? Answer, girl?
No.
No?
There was purity, I reply.
My voice is sullen. I betray nothing. I will tell nothing. There was a mirror on a swivel stand, placed at an angle to my bed. We seemed as ghosts within it. No, I will not tell. There were secrets. In the small nights the small kisses. Hazed by clouds, they would appear and reappear on my lips, dewdrops of touch upon my breasts. My clock would tick. I placed it under my bed and mother asked me what had become of it. Take out the ticks, silvery, small. They would run like mercury across my palm. Shuffled into an envelope, they would be stilled, forbidden to touch, to coagulate, to merge. Remember this, remember.
There is no clock here in this room, no clock. The walls are grey with light. The pattern on the wallpaper speaks of flowers too tired to grow. I wait. Will he be harsh? Closer to me moving he has moved. His gaze falls upon me, the light from his mind brushes the skin of my thighs above my stocking tops. The strap stirs against his leg. Challenges.
Were you not angry in your beginnings? His voice is quizzical, kind. I do not wish to cry. The penis memory moves within me still.
It was told to me that I must not be. I received. It was done.
The strap moves, tickles, taunts. I roll over in my waiting, my chemise ascends. Gleam-glow of flesh, my hillocks proud. In my waiting.
The door opens and the woman enters. Her hands are busy at her apron, hiding, emerging, hiding. I cannot look. Hands should be stilled. Her eyes examine me-I cannot look. I close my own. The coverlet grows warm beneath my skin. Julian with his mother somewhere speaks. A maid is sent to search the streets for me. A high wind on the promenade may have blown me hither, thither. My dress shall be found upon railings-shoes skewed upon the pebbles of the beach, kicked by boys. I shall hide beneath the small waves waiting, the seaweed wreathed about my brow. Messages will reach me from the sailors lost.
The woman's gaze is one of approbation. I feel it through my eyelids.
Handle her well. Be certain that the heels of her boots do not scour the bedcovers. You will wear your proper bonnet tomorrow, Laura.
She is gone, the door closes, echoing the movement of her lips.
He speaks. Your posture pleases me not. Are you ever so slovenly?
Am I spurned that I am not first caressed, my nether cheeks moulded by suave and certain hands, lifted and positioned? I was ever mute in my obedience, permitting disclosure, mindful of the stone nymph in the garden who knew no more modesty than to clasp her hands before her. Her buttocks were less well cleft than my own. Perhaps it was thought to be a rudeness. The marble was Italian. In secret I would frequently pass my hand about it. Mother said that I should not, for it brought strange thoughts, withered the eyelids, and destroyed one's dreams. I would have taken the nymph to my room and brought her to Perdition if I could. She was too heavy. Upon her coming two dray horses were needed to pull the cart and six men to carry it in sad sack-covering behind the house where stood the waiting lawns. There was much ado, I remember, about getting it precisely upright. At nights I wished to cover her with a cloak. Mother would not have a name for her and wished her gone, saying that she did not like Italianate things. Father said she was to be called Perdita. At this I fretted a little, yet she stood too elegant to be lost, unloved. At mornings I would gaze down from my bedroom window at the small, tight marble moon of her bottom where the rain had streaked its tears. Once on a summer eve I leaned over the sill, the window open, spurred on by the strap to Perdition while I sought in vain her averted gaze.
I would have wished then the gazing of her blind eyes in my mewing, the small hot churning of my hips, her cold lips to my own.
Be still-be still. The words re-echo as I kneel now in this otherness, my palms flat on the bed.
Do all men speak thus-say the same?
There are times for stillness and times for movement. My hips jerk at the first impact of the leather as they ever did. The arrows of the pain that is no pain that stings. I wilt, I suffer, yet my back remains dipped. My bulb is bulbous. Heat invades, my head hangs, my shoulders quiver. Such whimpers as escape me sound no louder than the far crying of the gulls.
Be quiet always, child, my grandmother would say. Her shawls had smells of mustiness that I wished not to press my face into, though she saw to it occasionally that I did. Mama's clothes were ever redolent of lavender as were my own. From her I learned freshness of body, the changing of underclothes twice a day. If your drawers are ever to be seen, they must be clean, she averred often. By the time I was seventeen she took my laundry-caring habits for granted and thus was comforted that I combined a softness of tone with the virtue of spotlessness. Upon attaining the age of eighteen, I was presented with prettily coloured phials of various perfumes that Papa brought from Paris. I learned to anoint myself-to encircle my nipples with a haze of flowery scents, to touch delicately all about with a thin glass perfume rod the subtle creasing of flesh that curves in quarter circles where the bottom cheeks poise upon the columns of the thighs. Then with fingers that quivered not a little sometimes in anticipation, I would follow the triangular bluff of my pubic thatch about its perimeter.
Today I had not done so, for today was not in my anticipations. Julian knows nothing of my journeys to Perdition. I perfume my lower parts but occasionally in his house, and then for my own pleasure only. The flower of petulance between my thighs exuded its own scent- that odor di femina which frequently brings the male nostrils to flare.
It is enough, I heard, is it enough?
I would not answer. I had been taught quietness. The frail, invisible gags of mustiness, of lavender, of darkling ink, of dust between the curtain gap, had muffled my first sobs that had sounded as but a memory of childhood. With the closing of the cupboard doors, the silent wondering of my dolls within, I had entered into womanhood and known the springy, muscled thrust of maleness-that force that through embedment of the penis drives the sperm. I had buried my head in deeds of surrender, my drawers spotless at my ankles, my heat-sheened bottom working to the thrusts. Never had rebellion cast its cloak around me.
The leather sears again, for I have not spoken. I should cry out perhaps, for he is more unlearned than I thought. Or here perhaps it does not matter. Do they listen at the door? The splatting of the leather spoils my hearing. I whimper, I grit my teeth. I need.
The brass rails gleam. They merge, divide. As do my cheeks.
Turnabout, Laura. Lie upon the swing so, your bottom uppermost.
The grass mown by my eyes, I knew the sting, the swing-sting of the stinging, and the breeze. The wind. My dress blown up. I cried. I knew not then the call. My nipples did not harden as they should. My legs hung close, unopened. The bee-stings of a supple switch brought forth my cries. I had not blossomed to the follies of desire. I was not finished, not done, undone.
My grandmother would not comfort me.
Laura, you are too old to cry, she said.
I ran in fine alarm and hid myself and listened to the ticking of the clocks as if from other houses, other worlds. Oh did it then begin, the urgent shimmering of fine thin flames that licked my netherness?
Let there be no alarms-this is a quiet house, my aunt said. She drew me from the cupboard where I had slunk. Her hands dusted the undustiness of my dress, the pitter-patter of her fingers at my globe. There is no harm done, she tutted. Mama said nothing, her needles dazzling with their clicking. I was kissed and petted, given cakes for tea. My dresses, it was said, should become me better. Catalogues were searched, comparisons made.
Months passed. I attained to my seventeenth. The rims of my stocking grew tighter. My rounded breasts knew no encumbrances, globular. Led by my paternal aunt to a new emporium, I learned the twittering of shopgirls at my charms. In veiled rooms small corsets were adjusted to my waist. Drawn in, they left me breathless. The out-thrust of my bottom perter grew.
It heightens your breasts, Laura do not adjust the lace. Your nipples will be the more appeased by its tickling.
My aunt was ever thus as to details. The measuring of distance between the ornaments on her shelves and dressing-table was always precise. When combing my hair she would adjust each strand.
Mother was not so. Untidiness became her. I suspected an art in it, so well adjusted was it that it seemed a virtue-a signal for attraction. At tea parties and receptions I was introduced as the principal maiden of the house. The voices of my uncles would boom in concert with the popping of champagne corks as if to commemorate my elevation. Upon my first strapping, when I had known the penis-thrust-though not spoken of but sensed-they would occasionally pause to fondle my netherness. It was forbidden. My aunts were furious. My uncles were sent back to their books, their accounts, their offices of work. Only females were henceforth invited to tea, save for father who stood over all, turning the pages of our minds by his presence. One of my uncles, it was said, took a birch to one of his factory girls. He was apprehended for it, admonished, and fined five shillings. Such things were frowned upon. I learned each indiscretion and avoided them. The sleekness of my form beneath my gowns was hallowed.
My mother it was who urged marriage upon me three years later. She apprehended, perhaps, disasters where I knew only joy. My once urgent cries had long ceased to float their small balloons of sound. I absorbed the pulsing rod, the spurting juice. In such moments of brief deprivation as occurred, my knickers would moisten with their anticipations. I had become too acquiescent in my acquiescence-the swing long stilled, ropes rotting in the rain.
You converse too often upstairs, she admonished me. Her needles clicked the faster or she would stare more closely through her spectacles at her embroidery, her majestic bottom stirring vaguely on a brocaded chair.
The brass rails rattle now. I would speak of all-ah, surely now! Ah yes, he comes-a sudden leaping on the bed. One should be slow and use decorum. Save for the quiet keynotes of my sobbing I keep my silence. The waters of fulfilment wail for me, to lave my plenitude, my all-receiving. His vibrant entrance plunges, thrills. I know the snowfall of desire upon the tiger's hot and summered flanks. Push, thrust-do not cry out. The spear engages, sundering my cheeks. Unto his maleness, deep within.
I pant, I blubber softly as was taught. The subtlety is gone. I yield not to authority but to sin. Where streams the starlight on my brow, bulb bouncing on my rivered sheets? I have gone into the jungles of the dark where cry the voices of the wild-have heard my own beseeching against sin and yet have sought it. For this I was admonished, strapped anew. At breakfast my aunts would remark upon my pallor and rouge my cheeks. Once returned to my room, I would rub it off. I preferred my paleness. The emissions of desire are pale, the flesh is pale. By mid-morning my colour would return. I had come victorious through the long, slow loop of night.
Do not ask, Laura. Submit, receive. Work your bottom.
Work your bottom! The man repeats the phrase. I obey, I breathe my gaspings. He seems to need my sounds. Be quick, be quick.
Ah God, ah God! He now blasphemes. In lust is my undoing. I receive. The pulsing jets as from a hose, fine-spurting-then is quiet.
Are you happy? You must understand more. Read good books, attend to wisdom. Thus my aunts spoke, and Mama. I, virginal between my thighs, would acquiesce and smile. I hid my conscience in the small jars of my mind, upon the shelves where none could ever look.
He falls back, he is spent. The cork uncorks, the penis withers. The door opens and I fall forward, hide. The woman appears.
She was ever rebellious. You must deal with her later.
Yes, he replies. His voice is heavy with discontentment. Here is perhaps a place of disaffection. I have not been seen before in my quietude. The secrecy is broken, the locks undone. Spyglasses perhaps survey me. Men in heavy boots will come and whisper and make notes.
Go! All of You! I shriek.
Do not speak in that manner, Madam, she replies, who are you to speak? Come-she is undeserving.
My clothes!
I call too late. The door is closed, he shuffling like a dog torn from the bitch.
Millie!
I call once more. My voice finds a thin ring of authority. I stir, I feel the trickling wet. Will Julian's mother scent my sin? There is no coming of angels. The silence hangs. I need Mama-the admonitions of her dogma.
I rise, wash at the bowl. The thin towel scours my servitude. The door is my shepherd, it will lead me into the beyondness, the benediction of descent. I shall blossom into the world. At night I shall listen to the music of the little band, rub hips with passers-by along the moonlit promenade. I shall eat cockles and sing my songs. The women will regard me with envy.
I adjust my stockings. Be ever neat, Laura. Be watchful of your carriage. Do not speak to men.
I seek my drawers, my dress. Perhaps I shall keep the chemise the woman gave me. It is a pretty one. The lace at the hem taps at my bottom in gentle reminders. My clothes lie in the bathroom as Millie placed them. No voices sound to challenge. The drooping silence leaves no gap to speak. I descend with no caution whatever for I am become myself again. The front door stands wide-there Millie stands. She wears her bonnet in a ragged tilt. Her shawl is frayed. I espy now her poverty, the meanness of her dress. Her pose is one of the desolation I would feel were it not for her own.
They've all gone, Miss. There's all such comings and goings here.
What will you do, Millie?
Have I seen her before? The faces of servants merge in my memory-betray their anonymity. Their faces are the faces of winter Sunday mornings, hoarfrost invisible upon their fingers, the tips of their noses.
Find a place, Miss, where they might have me.
She curtseys, smiles, a wan, small, broken smile. I observe her in her going. Born to activities, domestic bustlings, she subsides as does a wobbling top when the boys have dropped the whip and it dies in its revolving dance.
The evening air comes easy to my brow. A man leans against the railings opposite-a blown leaf of summer. He regards me with the sombre mien of one who has already stripped and mounted me, married me and divorced. The road is too wide for his coming.
Julian!
I make to call out, though I know not where. My hand falters on the iron railing that descends with the steps. Those few passers-by who glance at me no doubt think me waiting for a carriage.
Who is Julian? I close my eyes, retracing memories like stepping stones across a river, sought in moonlight.
Can I help you, Miss? You looks uncertain.
I have gazed too long into the sky. In its pale blue is neither plentitude nor vacuum. I look down. A constable regards me quizzically.
The sky is in his eyes-a coloured mirror that reflects me not.
CHAPTER THREE
The breeze curls through my eyes, making me blink. Was there another path I could have taken in my years? My wanderings were ever circumspect. Eyes watched me from among the green leaves growing; the laurels whispered of summers that I had not known, of the long grass that grows around the boles of trees where the gardener has not swung his scythe.
There was a gate from the garden that I never passed through. I could see it sometimes in my swing's high swinging, between the elms that brushed the feathered clouds. I asked father what was there.
A bull, he said, you must not go there.
She does not want a bull, my aunt said, and laughed. She was my maternal aunt. I believe she often held secrets from my mother. My paternal aunt looked at her from her garden chair and said, We must not be coarse. There must ever be delicacy. See how prettily her white-shod ankles twinkle when she moves.
I did not then doubt their rectitude. One evening, unseen and unregarded, I ventured to the gate. My chin brushed the rusted iron bar of its wide striding, but I saw nothing. Only the forlorn sadness of grass that waits for dawn.
Your ways are given, I was told, do not question them.
The hedges about the garden stood as barriers to my being, but I felt no resentment. I had no desires from my eighteenth year, the year of my blooming, to go beyond-only to rediscover my discoveries, for the toys of my Measures were then utterly new to me. The dark inter-woven branches and twigs of the hedges fascinated me. I could forgive them what they hid. I knew their innocence, their intertwining. The interventions and manoeuvres of others were ever hazards that faced me.
Shall you, then, go upstairs again? my mother would occasionally ask after supper.
It is but for reading, I would say.
You may read down here. What are you reading?
A book, I would answer, for I kept several ever by my bed. The answer appeared to satisfy her. Our reprises were ever mundane.
She will come down again, will you not? one of my aunts would say comfortably, for of occasion it was my penance to do so and not to wriggle as I sat. My palms moistening, I would ascend, trailing a haze upon the polished bannister. In my room then I would wait but for a few minutes until I was attended upon. The closing of the doors downstairs was ever seen to.
Should I not have cried out in the wild wind's wailing- sought succour in my grandmother's shawl? The pigeons cooed from the roof in their grey mantles. None could speak for me save myself. I uttered not words at first but incoherencies. After the lemonade in the garden, the busy bustling of skirts, a startlement of starlings from the trees, then came the evenings of languor and douleur. The shapely stemming of my legs pleased and was praised. The tightness of my garters, ruched and resetted as now they were allowed to be, flattered the swelling of my thighs, my orb made naked by revering hands.
I knew the nuances of my fate. At night when the gas lamps outside fluttered and flirted with the dark, I who had first sought oblivion in my bubbling cries, my sobs pelleting like raindrops on my pillow, I knew the benedictions of ensuing silence, broken only by whispers, compliances.
There were miracles to be known. Coaxed, cozzened, and commanded in my postures, a breeze cried for me and curled around the corners of the house, telling the ivy and the moss. Sometimes the smell of loam from the household plants on my windowsill came to my nostrils, obscure, unsought, but ever now remembered. I entered red-hot castles in the fire and hid myself. There watching then I watched, as if myself and yet another. Eyes stared at me from sepia likenesses, framed by silver on which the firelight glinted. Only the snapping of the strap broke the silence of the unforgiven, urging the surging of my hips, back-forth, back-forth until fulfilment came.
On Sundays, the family assembled in the drawing room that yet was but a neighbouring world to the otherness of worlds above, father would read from the works of Browning, Southey, Keats, or Shelley. Through words I learned with the wild, high geese to fly, though all was solid and arranged in our outward demeanours. My mother understood less of the words than I, for she heard not the silences between the words where lie the small plains of thought and introspection.
We were not as others in their modulated trailings to chapel and to church.
If there be wailings, let them be within, my father said.
And if there be supplications? my paternal aunt asked.
Let them be satisfied, fulfilled. In our fulfilment is our homecoming. Let the fire warm the surfaces and the interior will glow.
My mother would complain then of one and all speaking in riddles. My aunts both said however that it was plain for all to see and that philosophising should begin between the sheets and not between the pews. It was then that I began to doubt their rectitude, being well appraised in that moment by their eyes. My mother said she understood not at all unless it were a matter of praying in bed.
They who pray receive. Unto them who suffer is given, my paternal aunt said. I had not prayed nor had I sought to. I drank my port quietly. Messengers of fire ran through my veins. I curled my toes and waited for the night, my Turkish slippers neatly crossed. My thighs kissed and parted, exuding secrets.
The constable has gone. Perhaps he thought me austere. I descend the steps and turn. Like a speck of dust poor Millie floats somewhere among the meaner habitations. Devoid of wings, she seeks her own salvation. I, winged and angelic, return to the sea's fringe. Its vastness even so terrifies me. I prefer the enclosures of space-the locked door and the clock that chimes for tea, the twitter of a bird that knows the safety of a cage. I have read Milton: surely I shall not offend the gods? There is a private luxury in being oneself or being locked to another when the bottom shimmers still with heat, in knowing one's knowing, obtaining one's obtainings, ankles misted, twisted in the sheet, small feet to large, the aloneness at midnight in the aftermath.
Perhaps I know now where Julian is, although I wish I did not. The framework of his house etches itself in my mind as if in a sketch by Durer. I fly beyond, become a bird. I sniff at the dusty porticos of the black door through which I have so often passed, wearing my widow's weaves of deprivation. The beach is but fretted with few figures now. I gaze upon them, seen and unseen: the hypocrites and lecteurs, the taught and the untaught.
I spoke with a tradesman once at the back entrance, which offended Julian's mother muchly. He was a large man, bluff and quiet in his coming, of able limbs. I could not help myself but envisaged the weight and hang of him in his maleness. So should a man be, strong with authority in his loins.
Preachers have spoken to me, though not of sin for they knew me not as one of sin in my demureness. I minded them not, save for their eyes. Their eyes were funerals. They knew not the coaxed workings of my hips, the magical emergence of the male rod moving in my moon, a stammering of muffled breaths, the moonlight sheened upon my offered orb.
Ah, the gurglings of sperm that I drew from the stem, my sobs a metronome of lust, smack-slap of testicles beneath my bulb. The seepings on my sheet no maid dare speak of when she changed the linen. I had spilt milk, I said. I kept a glass ever by my bed, the cool milk thick with cream. My eyes are mirrors on and on. None see within them save in Perdition. In its retreat, its reluctance, its withdrawing, the penis would spill its last tears on my thighs. I warmed to them, reached back and touched the trickling pearls that stained my stocking tops with dissolution.
Should I know shame or delight in this? I knew it not as a matter for performances of thought nor mental gestures. Let none who do not care despair-let none.
My thighs burnish the air that swirls beneath my skirt. Eyes escort me and I know again their seeking. I hear the laughter of the lolling girls under the arches beneath the promenade, sucking the sweets of summer from their fingers. Perhaps I would take one-command her to ascend. Sensing my superiority, she would surely do so. An urge comes upon me sometimes to fondle a suaveness of hips, to feel the know of knowing as I in my maidenhood was felt, to brush with fervent touch the pubic moss of secrecy. Yet she must be virgin as was I, the better to be urged, persuaded, conquered-and left then virgin even as was I.
Between the fruitful pouting of my lovelips-the lips as tight as a forlorn nun's prayer-I succoured no insurgence of sperm until Julian was upon me, dark in the night though pale in his stirrings. His fingers have sought not my rosette in our bumpings. I have urged his hand there and felt it withdrawn, uncertain, dismayed, fretful perhaps of his own ignorance. I have spoken not. I do not answer his occasional crudities. He knows not the purities of sin, the immaculacy of silence broken only by the imperative murmurs of pleasure, the imperceptible sighs of indulgence.
Shall I enter as one who laughs, not knowing what she laughs at? The square faces me, endeavours to enfold the yawning sea but cannot. The house is seen, tall in its terracing. I am watched perhaps by servants who have long put away the tea things and have oiled the lamps for evening. Once when my mother was absent, my father read passages from Brantome to us. I knew the lives of gallant ladies. I was permitted to laugh. It was but a parable of strange observances and bodily concordances, my paternal aunt said. The English came too crisp to it in translation, my other aunt observed. I studied French the closer thereafter but could never find the words that like bright butterflies had been all about me in my father's reading.
Perhaps it was an indiscretion, for my mother returned and the book was put away to be replaced by Household Words. The mansions of my mind became thereafter many. I polished all within and laid my favourite thoughts in coloured boxes, there to be conserved. Long have I tinted them with other words, with dreams, observances. Such diaries as I kept hidden beneath the corner of my bed were muted by symbols. Thus: the curtains fluttered was the raising of my dress. The moon rose high conveyed my offering. The tap water was warm evoked my memories of sperm, deep bubbling in my bottom. Milk was churned I used also to this purpose. Knowing my naiveties, I blush-I-conquered, riven, put to the pestle's pounding, saddled in silence to the needles clicking that sounded as but an overture below.
Having no doorkey now, I ring. Julian would not let me have one.
It is not proper so, Laura, unless a woman has a servant who may carry it. One of the maids is ever here to admit you.
The door opens. I am regarded. Julian wears a pearl grey suit such as seems proper to him at this hour. I sense a perspiration beneath. Distasteful.
You may not enter, Laura. All is done. You have walked too far alone, too long.
He has said this before. Has he said this before? I am not deprived who have not.
She is here again. Why is she here? His mother appears. Your possessions are at the station. You have not proven yourself. Immorality was ever rife in you. Her body appears to me as but a support, a backcloth, for the two large blancmanges that of occasion wobble faintly under her corsage.
I was elsewhere. Am I to be peered at through a microscope?
I intended to add that it would be a black-lacquered one with brass-rimmed lenses, but it seemed not to matter. The tall thin entomologist approaches. The dead butterfly quivers. It mattered not to me what I had done for I counted it not a particular adventure. The episode had not had the ornateness that I wished. The actors had been paltry. I pass between Julian and his mother-between the blancmanges and his rather hard, pointed shoulder. Perhaps, as it occurs to me, I had become brazen, but such things apparel the outerness and not the innerness of one. The staircase within the hall regards me sombrely. They are no longer the stairs I wish to climb nor ever were. I recall no moments of salvation above, no luring of my hesitant, no desirous fumbling such as might have stirred me with pleasure. In the aboveness here I have ever been beyond the immediate moment and not in the moment, passing so rapidly from one moment to another-as one might float through empty windowpanes-that I have known no satisfaction in the moment.
There is a dryness here, I remark.
There is dust, yes. It is never got rid of. Julian is at my side. I feel the beseeching of a hound in his glance. He would stay me if he could.
You have struck matches, Julian, but found not the tinder.
It amuses me so to speak. As if to assuage him, I lay a mist of sadness among my words, though trailed so lightly that he does not notice it.
I shall leave now. This woman may remain.
I am not of your kind! How dare you speak of me thus! The floorboards creak beneath her heavy step.
That is true-that you are not of my kind. I turn, move in my moving. The openness of the door enchants. I am upon the world.
If the trees could come to me now, called from the lanes and the pastures, dragging their roots like long sloppy skirts, I could hide among them. I would peep from between them even as I peep upon myself through memories of myself.
I am told that all do so, though I am not sure of it. Someday when passing people perhaps I shall ask them, enquire of it. I shall ask only those who are well clothed and not pursed of mouth nor pompous in their stances. Their memories shall invest me with the promises of their pasts that I may compare them with my own.
There are cockles to be had along the promenade. I shall dine in London. Father once took me there. I remember the hotel, close upon Southampton Row- how vast and high the bed, the tassels trembling. The guardian at the door bowed to me as if I were a princess. Father had pressed half a sovereign in his hand. I will conserve one in my purse. One should return to one's beginnings-the light falling at morning across the waiting steps, the scuttling of the maids' brushes along the lintels, the cry of an owl at night announcing a dark outerness to the closed dark house.
The door now does not close behind me. Perhaps the lock has been oiled for caution, as was mine. Julian and his mother stand as actors in the wings who have come to the wrong theatre, having no part within the play and neither audience nor participants are. Participants. Yes. Say it but slowly and it tiptoes like a ballet pupil trying her first steps. Yes.
A trail of hansoms sags along the street, the broad air bluff above the sea. I raise my hand. A cabman's whip is snapped. Ah, that I but knew it closer. I jerk my hips a little out of habit, feeling its seeking tip beneath my skirt. Where to go, Miss?
There is a station here? Is there a station close?
Not close-not far. Up yonder, through the town. A bob will see you there. Are you lost?
People should know whether they are lost or not, should they not?
He misunderstands me, shakes his head, his hair an unutterability of filth beneath his hat. Tired with its journeys the coach creaks as I enter. Am I always thought to be lost-a piece of paper drifting in a colour different from the rest? Few people have a colour in one's thoughts. Most are thought of as beige or palely white perhaps. People should become seagulls, soaring in the wind above the headlands lost.
Do not look at me so. The station will soon enough be reached. The cabman has the voice of man who speaks in statements, settlement, facts, declarations, knowledges. To such I would ever speak for they enter not too deeply into one's eyes.
We are here, Miss!
We have passed through people in their loiterings, the streets, the voluminous places. I shall be late in my arriving, yet not too late for dinner.
I enter the station, its broad blankness. A waiting of locomotives, heavy in their ironness. There are few movements about. A barrow stands beyond, my trunks upon it. A girl sits close, dressed in a grey dress as a pigeon might be dressed. She broods. Her arms are languid. A porter approaches, hesitates, and approaches again.
People should know whether or not they are lost. My words fall upon the ground between us. They roll, wobble, and are at rest.
That's the truth, Miss, as ever was. We gets a lot such in their comings and goings, hither and thither. Is that your luggage, Miss?
I move past him. His furtive eyes appraise. He rises no doubt from bed with a fat woman, one whose underclothes are unwashed, her feet tinged with grey. The girl apprehends my look. Her eyes raise themselves to mine.
I could not remember whether it was yours or mine. Her voice has a middling tone. It speaks neither of wealth nor of want. Her feet are pleasingly small. Her small toes would be pleasing to suck upon. I would draw her stockings down, feeling the svelteness of her thighs.
Claims belong to them what claims. The unclaimed stays here often. The porter bustles up.
Do you not open it if it is unclaimed-enquire, examine? I gaze at the girl but speak to him.
The privacies cannot be disturbed, Miss.
We should go, the girl says, mother will be anxious. Edward will be angry.
Edward, yes. He is often angry?
You know he is. With you especially. You are given to taunting him too much. Only his shyness veils the greater parts of his anger. Mother has often said that.
I count her of my years but know not always my becomings. With father all was stable, taut, inert. The days were ribboned and unseparated. Only the indiscretion of the volume of Brantome fell like a loose key that could not find a door.
There will be charges, Miss. It weren't paid for, you see, but waited upon your coming. I has the regulations here. So much a mile it is and then a bit beyond.
Show me. I extend my hand, black gloved and elegant. The list he produces is crumpled but neatly printed.
The Directors insists on it, Miss. Their names is at the bottom. It is all proper and signified.
I scan their names. Broadhurst, Benton, and Buckle. The B's hum. I see their busyness.
Even so, I do not know them. One is perhaps related distantly to my father by way of business, but we have not been introduced. There will be comings and there will be goings. This is ever so. What time does the train for London depart?
It has steam up now, Miss. Ten minutes or thereabouts. Keep the windows closed when you go through the tunnels.
He gives me a leery look. The girl utters an impatient sound. We shall be late. Pray get the luggage aboard.
We stand as two, conscious of the distance between us, unyielding to the urge to touch. The geometry will require rearranging. Regarding us dourly, the porter heaves and trundles the barrow forward. No doubt he waits to be paid. He holds the printed list as evidence. One should of occasion cross the palms of servants with silver in case they are found to be of future use. I might after all return to Brighton. It has a pleasing air of nouveau decadence. Let the wind disguise me as I walk, in my long summers of contentment.
CHAPTER FOUR
The day is calmer now with my departure. The evening waits to uncoil upon the sky. Pleasure shall be upon me. I shall send a message by telegraph to father. Murmurings of migrations. I brush my plumage and remove my bonnet. We are alone in the carriage. The plush purple of the seats pleases. We face each other like accusers who have long lost their arguments.
You always have nicer dresses than me-you do, Laura.
I smile, rise, draw up her legs along the seat so that she lies upon it. Her face has a scared look of excitement. Don't. You are going to tickle me. You always do.
Yes. Where shall I? As we did it in the garden once?
No, we were never in the garden doing it, Laura. What strange memories you have. Besides, they would have seen us. You are rude. How rude you are!
I raise her dress, pursue the hem above her rounded knees. Her garters come to my view, her thighs upswelling. Her leg nearest the edge of the seat flops and slides, unguarded. She swings her toe upon the dusty floor. The crotch of her drawers is plump with her plumpness.
What will you do? Her voice is thick like the cream that nestled in the glass beside my bed. I would drink but an inch of it and then tilt the rim so that it ran down and formed a stickiness upon the glass. Sometimes I would dip my finger within and move it then around my bottom, my rosette, in waiting. Before the opening of the door-a fluttering of wings upon the roof.
Be still. You know what you like. Lift your hips. Let me draw them down.
She sighs as I have sighed in my sighings. Unveiled, her lovelips have a pouting look, a peeping-out through curls, dark brown as mine. I have so rarely lain thus, upon by back, except with Julian. I apprehend the cushions to be loose, reach far behind me to my seat and draw one upon the floor that I may kneel. Her legs are heavy, curved, but have not the sensuousness of my own. Her breathing flutters. I would prefer to whip her, but no strap lies to hand. Mumbling and murmuring she wriggles as I raise her fallen leg askew and hook it to my shoulder dangling. She covers her eyes. I would fain smack her hands away, for it is disallowed, but prefer to attend to my immediate task-so often have I wondered about this. My tongue protrudes, licks delicately about, among the curls, the shell-like folds. A muskiness, an acridness, a creaminess, a wonder. Haaaar! The inrushing of her breath as inward dips my tongue, then upwards licks! I know her spot, the little budding point, a nub upon the tender, wicked flesh. She grits her teeth, her hands flay at the air.
Ah! Laura, no!
Be quiet! Were you not ever taught? What of the night amid the crumpled sheets?
Tell mother not! Oh yes, a little more!
Upon my hands her bumptious bottom moves, full fleshed and firm. I draw the cheeks apart and hold them cruelly so as dips my tongue and flashes fast within, without, ever to tease and please and draw her on. I cant!-You can! You must, you shall! Oh spill-spill now upon my tongue. Jog with the wheels upon the rails, my love, and come. Ah yes! Now onward spurt! Writhe, wriggle, writhe!
Her panting's done. My lips are smeared-some saltiness of flavour that I know. Fast falling on her then I lick her lips, intrude my tongue, and force her thus to suck while gurgling hard she presses fast against me then falls faint.
I leave her thus in her abandonment. Her eyes have a glazed look. The train ripples, rocks, I rise and stare beyond the window where the heavy cows attend the pastures. I have done with her, turn and command her smartly to pull up her drawers. She must know me as mistress, perhaps, or as saviour. I do not know. Her bonnet is fallen and awry. I espy the name of the maker within: an emporium in Regent Street. Failing in their crispness, the feathers lie too pressed.
You must take more care of yourself, I observe, Where are we going?
Oh, what a question! She is upright, composed, all at one with herself, her skirts pushed down. Her eyes regard my ankles with a certain jealousy. What is about I do not know, for you never tell me. There will be much ado about it tonight. It is Friday. Have you forgotten? He always expects you to be there on a Friday.
My nose wrinkles. I do not care overmuch for fish, except of the most delicate, white variety with a sauce well composed by a knowing cook. Wine and herbs. Tall summer days and squat winter ones, a sparkling of Moselle, a caressing of my thighs beneath the table, the twittering of my aunts.
Come, let me do it to you, too, Laura. Her voice uncertain as a bird that spies a cat.
Certainly not-how dirty you are. I have not washed yet. Tell me about your life. What have been your wanderings?
Really, Laura, you are not of us-I have always said so. Mother has bought you a fine brown dress that you will have to wear tonight. Your black stockings will not go with it at all. What a shine they have-did you pay much for them? He will want you to wear brown ones, I know he will.
All this is known, is it not?
I wave my hand airily. The names of small stations flash past. One has never known them and yet has forgotten them, savoured for the merits of their spellings and pronunciations in books unread. Such books lay often about my father's house. I knew no one to read them, but felt not sad for them for they were at peace in their closedness. They would be obedient and would open to the touch, even as I. When dust lay upon the leather bindings it were best conserved there for it gave a pleasant odour to them, the scents of yesterdays that are known and not foreign to one's mind. When the feathers of tree sparrows lay stray upon the grass, I knew that they had gone forever. Milk curdled and strawberries uneaten grew darker and mushy, but the veined stem rose ever in its seeking, quivering upon the moment of entry to loose the sap between my yielded cheeks.
We are getting out at London Bridge and shall take the bus, I heard. Oh, but there is too much luggage, Laura, is there not?
She would placate me with the softness of her look. I affect not to notice it.
We shall take a cab, you stupid. Have you no money? Does he not attend to you in this respect? You cannot always use mine.
I have a sovereign still. It will suffice. You've never been mean before. Why are you mean? You know he never gives me nothing-it's always you he treats. Mother gets real jealous of it sometimes.
I am aware, I say coldly. My words are a tiny whip across her mouth. Her expression crumples. There is an oddness of uncertainty about her, yet her figure is lithe and well formed, her breasts fulsome and her breath sweet.
We proceed in such silences and brief flutterings of words as befall us. One curiosity alone seizes me.
Was I always called Laura? I ask.
Of course. What a question! How you do question your questions, Laura. You were baptised at St. Anthony's, the same as me except that you were first by near on twenty months. Mother has it written down in her Bible as well you know. I don't know what she's going to say that you've been away all this time. I hope you didn't get larky with anyone. She'll soon find out. You'll be put upstairs, you will, and your trunks put in the attic.
Yes, upstairs, I murmur vaguely for a vagueness comes upon me. I lean my head back at the approach of the city. I must have a telegraph message conveyed to father. I know she has heard for a smile seeps into her mouth succeeded by a trilling of laughter.
You will have your little joke, Laura. What will he do with a telegram? Have your little joke all right for it won't last too long and well you know it. I hope you won't be improper at table, though. It has to wait for afterwards. Digest your food first properly, mother always says, and don't rush around the rooms.
No, of course.
I resent the reprimand and yet absorb it. Evidently it is a strange house. I envisage it tall and thin, with the rooms perhaps smaller than the people. Need I levity or sombre-ness? It will be decided for me, no doubt. I prefer decisions to be unfolded swiftly and neatly like napkins. I will be elegantly treated I trust? The words spill from my tongue without my having pre-arranged them in my mind.
No doubt you will, Laura, since you are the only one who gets anything out of him. Shall we get up now? We are coming into London Bridge.
Of course. How strange that she should ask me whether we might get up. Perhaps it is because I am in my majority and she has not yet quite attained hers. Such requests become her well. I am more pleased with her. How vast the station and the clawing of the platforms. The smokiness affects me a little. I shall lower my veil. I have Turkish eyes, father said. A man passing observes them, as it seems, takes a step towards me and is gone. They are always after me with their heavy, expectant penises.
Do your balls tingle when you put it in? Oh do it to me again-can you?
Did I speak thus? No, there was ever a quiet panting- escaping of my breath through my nostrils, my breasts at pillage, lifted from my chemise, the nipples electric. Speech was almost always forbidden. When I descended again to the company of my aunts I had to learn to uncoil my tongue again. At Leadenhall Street where the traffic coagulates and the cabs and carts press among the horse buses, the trunks rattling and thumping on the roof, I glance in my glances and to my surprise-faint though still surprise-see the face of my Uncle Paul peering at me from the dust-streaked window of a neighbouring carriage. His aspect is one of greater astonishment than my own. We move on. He gesticulates to his cabbie. Am I to be followed?
I endeavour to twist in my seat but can see nothing- am chided for ruffling my dress. The first droopings of dusk spin their encroaching cobwebs about us. I remark this to her, being pleased with the thought.
Oh, you were always the poetic one, Laura.
It is a little sneer in all effect. My aunts would not have sneered. Perhaps my mother might have understood or not. Father told me ever to write such thoughts down in my diaries, which had a little clasp and a lock to them for which I was ever grateful. If my mother had found them she would not have dared open them but would have gazed in wonderment at them for a moment and then put them back, counting them as books.
The streets grow narrower, laying distances behind us, the surfaces of the roads unrolling. As a child I always believed that roads and lanes were laid so, being put away at night, though I knew not where. It is best not to think of where sometimes. There is an otherness, surely, into which all things go when they are quiet and utterly alone.
They cannot be entirely alone for light falls upon them and there are neighbouring objects, father said, and I knew that he was trying to drive me into some further furtherness of thinking.
Perhaps they become invisible to each other, I said.
He smiled and replied, You do not become invisible to me, to which I objected that I must if we were absent from one another. No-for then I carry your likeness and your image within me, he said. I wanted to say that this was cheating, but it seemed too bold of me. Were images as much the reality as the reality? Seeing the knotting of my thoughts, he stroked my hair. Be not led astray by the words, Laura. Though we call a glass a glass, is it to be known as such by someone who has never seen a glass before? The more you think upon words the more you will find yourself in a cave of devils.
Oh, I do not want to go there! I shuddered and clung to him.
You will not, for those too are words. You may come in and out of the words as you wish.
I was seventeen then, but I ever remembered. Even so, I polish my words like pebbles. An eagerness comes over me to convey my thoughts to her who knows my future for a moment and a past that my mind has eluded, but she would not comprehend. She is known to me and yet I do not recall her. She is an otherness. No trace of her now exists upon my tongue.
The cab stops with a great rattling. The gas lamps are being lit. A man attends them with a pole and a lighter. The laburnums here have long tired of their wasted tree-ness and gone back into their roots. The cruel flagstones enfold them too tightly. Their treeness is beneath. Descending, I view a narrower front door than I have known before. Fragments of blue and yellow glass curve above it where a yellow light shows through. The pattern is distasteful, aping the ecclesiastic. I wonder at the offices and places of work where the drawings lie hidden still, crouched in shame in darkness.
Leave the trunks!
The decision comes upon me so suddenly that I almost fear I have wailed, yet my voice must appear steady for she regards me and says wonderingly, They will be angry. You know you're not allowed to go away. I weaken-I, in my unknowing. Very well. They may be placed in the hall.
That's about it, Miss. The cabman has looked apprehensive. Clearly he cannot keep them or he might be taken up for theft. The door is opened with a key. The hall is narrow and runs past the stairs to a brown door which I apprehend might be the kitchen. The cabman unloads, is paid. At the last minute of entering I turn my head and see again the face of my uncle, his hansom slowing down. He appears to be peering at the number of the house. The door closes. Doors closing upon me do not frighten me. I am complete in my completeness. My bottom bulbs into my drawers in waiting.
CHAPTER FIVE
I would have my life be ever a becoming, moving towards the occurring, the self-transcending. A sound of frying reaches my ears, more blandishing to the hearing than in its oral effects. I would rather have the girl's tongue in my mouth.
A drawing room that is far too small to be called such is opened up to me through a door as mean in aspect as all else about me. The room is called, as I gather, the living room. How peculiar. Folding doors laid back give way to a dining space. The carpets are frayed at the edges, worn down by unspeakable feet. An occasional table purports to hide a bare patch near the side of the fireplace where someone has too often stood.
There's fish-you like fish, don't you, always did.
The woman appears. I cannot call her other than that. Unanswering, I gaze into the fireplace where the dust lies thick on unburned logs. Sad the scorched fragments of coal beneath. There is evidently no maid. I have nothing to reply.
You can tell me about it afterwards, Laura, that's what you can. When he's done with you. Edward-come in and give her a buss.
From behind her he appears, lank but tidy, a man in his thirties who sports a moustache of furtive and uncertain shape. Skirting the woman as if she were an unwanted statue or a piece of furniture moved at hazard to the wrong position, he places his arms about me in a wooden manner, his expression that of a sheet of paper that waits to be written on. A kiss neither warm nor cold is bestowed on my mouth.
Jenny, you take her up. That dress I bought-bought special for her-you know what I mean. And the drawers and stockings.
Edward stands unspeaking, surveying me as if I might be an unfinished carving. His hand makes a single essay about my bottom and then retires. I go forward with Jenny, as I now know her to be called. The rooms, I hope, are not all unclean. I shall bathe at the hotel.
Have her quick upstairs, Edward, if you want. I shall say nothing. He never notices-never does. The woman's voice. No movement occurs. We attain the landing and turn into a bedroom that encloses but a double bed of uneasy aspect, a chair, a washstand and a gaunt wardrobe. Our feet make a pattering sound upon the linoleum. For some reason the room is called the front one. At home we do not distinguish rooms in this way, no doubt because we have so many more.
Undress quick. Jenny's voice is nervous. A curiosity takes me.
He has you, too, now? I add the word indicative of Time in my seeking.
Often enough, when she don't know. Oh, you and your pretending! More often than seldom when you're not here. Lor', your chemise-ain't it nice! Keep it on, oh, keep it on, do, it frills out nice. I don't know why you ask these things. It was the same at our last house.
Yes, I know.
I want to be rid of her, to see myself in the speckled mirror above the washstand, but it is not allowed. My drawers removed, replaced by brown ones of inferior quality; the stockings that sheathe my thighs also brown, and with coarser threads than any I have worn before.
You've got more curls around your thing, Laura.
No doubt-they have been watered more.
You're a dirty one, you really are. All ready, then? It'll be a nice night of it if you don't fuss. Don't tie your drawers too tight or he'll tear them.
I don't mind. It is rather pleasing to have them torn off. Didn't we used to, both of us?
I knew you remembered, you and your questions, pretending asking. You always knew how to get round me so you could have it first.
Jenny-if it were midnight and we were at Brighton, we could walk the beach by the chain pier in our bare feet, feel for the roundest pebbles with our toes, play with the locks of closed doors along the promenade and hear the little cries within. Then we could do it with him under the arches, all quiet, saltspray of the sea at our nostrils. Wouldn't you like that?
When you talk like this, Laura, I don't know what. You're not going to struggle tonight, are you?
I do sometimes-sometimes I don't.
You two come down now! He's a-coming along the street. The woman's call. I hasten, not knowing why I do. Perhaps this is a game and I must reach a certain square on the board before he. My square becomes the dining space. The chairs are commonplace, the varnish worn. Bread already cut and buttered stands beside our plates. What a curious thing! I perceive no fish knives nor wineglasses.
Straighten yourself, Laura. Draw your skirt up-he likes to see your knees.
I obey the woman. Jenny imitates my movements, though not bidden to. I uncover myself to mid-thighs. Edward sits opposite with her and cannot see, though I mind not if he does. The woman bustles back and forth. Fried fish is produced on a large, flowered platter, chipped around the edges, together with a bowl of steaming, floury potatoes. The effect is nauseating. The front door has opened-heavy footsteps have made themselves known in the hall. They ascend, thump all about overhead like those of a grenadier and then approach.
Have her upstairs? Did you? Have her?
The woman's words peck rapidly at Edward. He shakes his head. An unease of craftiness sits in his eyes. I see no traces in him-nor indeed any hope-of the anger of which Jenny spoke. He looses it perhaps only in the dark places; hands incoherent with desire, he dare not bring into the light.
The man enters, a wraith of evident substance at my back. I do not turn. Having taken but a disdainful mouthful, and that too much, I return my knife and fork to the plate. His hands come upon my shoulders with a shock of weight. Ever be calm and receive. Descending, his fingers feel, fondle, and palpitate my breasts.
She's all right, then? His voice is nondescript.
Ain't said nothing-ain't told nothing-nor to Jenny either. She don't like the food-good food it is-you can see that, you can tell she don't.
Been missing it, that's what she has. Been missing it, my lovely, haven't you?
His joviality offends. His hands glide beneath my armpits where he expects perhaps to find moisture. There is none. Not yet. I am drawn up, backwards pulled, chair scraping, held at such an angle with my back to his chest that I have no point of resistance even if I sought one.
Her skirt should have been up more.
Breasts cupped by his hands, held helpless and inert, my eyes flare over those who sit and stare.
Get the chair away, he grumbles. Jenny's eyes scurry all about. My torso twists, though not violently. I am not minded to reject nor over-strongly to receive.
I told you, Laura, you see. You wouldn't listen. Jenny has risen, come to me, pushes the chair away and hoists my skirts to my waist.
The woman giggles, nudges Edward, nods.
No-no-no-no, I do not want. They will watch. The woman's eyes have a dirty look. I have never been watched. My hips squirm, writhe, the chair no longer my protector. I feel his bigness, his arising, against my knick-ered moon, pushed, propelled through the folded doors to a high-backed chair over which I am slung so that only my bottom, legs, are visible to them.
Leave me!
I grit the words and yet but in my mind. I shall not wail. Hands work at my drawers. I know them to be Jenny's, I know her breathing, the touch of her fingertips, tapered, resilient. The maroon cushion of the chair snuffles at my nose.
Get it out for me, Jenny. Undo the buttons.
Oh, you're hard-he isn't half hard! A giggle of a sort, though rather a puffball of a sound.
All right-I've got her. Let's have you, Laura. A growl in his voice, chasing at the heels of his words.
I am poised, at pillage, my legs straight in their brown stockings, laced boots. I see not Jenny nor Edward nor the woman, for I carry no images of them in my mind. A smack! My cheeks ripple and contract under the impact of his palm.
Come on-get your legs open-you know I like your legs open.
There have ever been ceremonies until now. Persuasions at the least by rote of words-masterful-quiet- by annotations and exegeses of hands moving with irresistible certainty up my legs. Silence is itself a ceremony when two move in concord. Even though I have tremored, hid my eyes, been turned about, bent over, and stilled, it has never been before others. That there might be a certain excitement in the prospect I do not in this moment deny. The moment, however, is not propitious. Insnorting of my breath. I feel his pego at my groove.
Go on, Jenny-let Edward do it to you.
The woman from the background speaks. Must the woman speak now? I care not for their invisible circus. A clattering of plates. Knives clink. How absurd the circumstance. A whine from Jenny: Edward! Not so quick!
Mouth open, I am entered, the knob thick-pulsing, surging up. My fingers on the cushion straighten, stretch. A yielding of my rubbery, my wrinkled, my receiver. A moan. I am undone upon that moan. A cry would fly from me-he rams full in, my cheeks in homage to his belly pressed. I hide my face, grimace, rotate my hips, then shamed at passion's loosing, still myself while Jenny is agog, at sea, something invisible is breached.
I got you now-you know I got you now. Tight as you ever was. Hold still!
Flirt-fumbling of his fingers at my quim-I, butterfly, the known, the unknown, am pinned. My prodder pants, groans-utters groans-draws out his steaming rod, re-enters, jerks. He has no stateliness nor poise. No fluttering of pigeons' wings, no gathering of aunts upon the stairs- not here-my bottom bulbing to his belly made to smack.
A knock sounds! Rattles echoe through the hall, pervade the dark suburban sanctuary of sin. A squall from Jenny, then a coarser cry.
Oh Jesus Christ, oh gawd, oh lawks-now who'd be coming here?
We like automatons are stilled. He hesitates in palpitating plunge.
Edward! Get off her, off! You fool, it ain't the time for it, I'll go. Gawd, close the door, the door I tell you!
The panic amuses. I had begun to enjoy. He, nervous, has withdrawn, as Edward has. I feel my emptiness-rise, turn, survey. Long have I wished to see the male in this condition, this pausing, this attrition. The view is sordid; not without excitement. Jenny all a-tumble totters, falls. Into a chair, her feet awry. Her face bears evidence of sin-the table an abandoned, ugly look, uncared for. As looks the man. He is in mid-life, as suspected, his prong a barber's pole of lust. His face is lined and heavy jowled. His eyes, black browed, are meaningless, dark holes in snow that crumble to the woman's quick return. She leans against the door as barricade.
A gentleman, that's what. Says she's to go.
Ho yes? He hesitates as if chewing upon the matter, then moves into the dining space, stands over Jenny, penis impudent. An insolence of superiority comes upon me as I watch. Seated, head inclined, she gapes.
I ain't going to have it in my mouth, though, I ain't. Shut the doors. She ain't never seen us at it-you know she ain't.
Her nod is to the woman and not I. His shirttail flaps, his trousers held. The condition of the male so seen is best not seen. It inclines to comedy, yet has its fascinations. There is a ruttishness about it which invites. Edward stands as one neither admonished nor praised, his erection viewed. I regard it not with favour. The doors are closed, I in a small space bound, smaller than our linen room at home.
Nothing untoward happened. You wont say anything untoward happened? You was always all right before- here before you was.
The woman tugs at my sleeve.
My trunks must be removed. See that it is done. Summon the cabbie.
Nothing untoward-eh? What do you say?
She is best ignored. Whether I leave in brown or black is of no moment. I restore my drawers more slowly than she would wish, before her going. The doorhandle rattles loose to my grasp and is not easily turned. There is grease upon it in addition to its looseness. The light in the hall is extinguished-an invasion feared. I advance without and encounter my uncle, who waits as might a postman on the path.
They are coarse people. Uncertainty tiptoes in his speaking.
Shall we sit within-in the cab? I shall change upon arrival. Do you know where to go?
A hotel close by Harrods. It is known to your aunt and I.
The Dover off Southampton Row would suit me better.
If you prefer it. He nods, fumbles for a cigar. I have not questioned his coming, nor he my presence. He has not forgotten perhaps that he was summoned once for the birching of his factory wench.
CHAPTER SIX
The gold glow of the city rings my eyes, embellishes my expectations. I am free to choose whether it is tomorrow or today-this hour or that.
The guardian of the door at the hotel is as I recall him, sturdy in a long stiff coat that speaks of old Napoleonic wars. He brandishes a profession of remembering.
Nice to see you again, Miss.
I incline my head to his bowing. His eyes in following tilt up my skirt.
You have visited here recently? My uncle intends no rudeness, but curiosity.
By no means. Over two years past. Papa brought me. It was a business occasion-an occasion for business. There was busyness.
My uncle's hand once brushed my bottom. A donation of affection rather than one of lechery, as I then thought. It was seen, though my aunts issued no public admonishment. One does not do such things. There are rooms where those who err may be drawn aside, where even a humming of voices may not be heard.
We approach the desk. I arrange the despatch of a telegraph message to my father. My uncle listens gravely, escorts me up. I have worded my message in signalese, but his understanding is immediate. The need for explanations, were there to have been any, is deleted. We come upon a suite. The bed is a double one. Ornate mirrors guilded with cupids-a flourishing of plaster flowers on the ceiling-a redolence of thick and soundless carpets. All that surrounds comforts.
Shall you stay also here, uncle?
A maid enters and, upon permission, betakes herself behind the closed doors to the bedroom where he unpacks my trunks. Indolent in his ways, my uncle has the bearing of a captain rather than a major.
It were perhaps best, Laura. Some wine before you change?
His eyes work all about me, remarking with silent curiosity the rather pedestrian nature of my dress. I have walked the Brighton seafront. I am known. I take to a chair rather than a chaise longue, though his eyes would guide my feet hither. My fingers shape the rolling of the arms, voluptuous. A gold, bunched semblance of a fist is at the termination of each arm. I perceive no menace in this. Light falls upon them. We are not alone.
I am also upon business, Laura.
Very well. If you are.
Meanings are exchanged, gathered inwards, dissected, examined. We speak in parables since parables become us here. Private languages have been learned, the whisperings in the long grass and the murmurations in the conservatory, the fingering of flowers while the lips are seen to move through glass-wild runnings of streams and the walks through the orchards. I do not propose, however, to convey to him the inner core of my knowings, my Chinese box of secrets. The past withers not in the warm palm of my hand, yet as to this day, this night I know my unfulfilments. Ejaculate, ejaculate, ejaculate-the word so repeated comes to my inner ears as the wheels of the train while my tongue assuaged the whimperings of Jenny. I shall go no more among the habitations of the poor. My purse is emptier, as is my inner need.
We shall eat here or in the restaurant? My uncle probes, is tentative.
As I recall the food was less than hot when trundled up.
The restaurant will suffice. I confess to you that I had intended to have another companion.
That you may. She waits upon your coming? I have no need to guess at the gender of his intended. My uncle nods and gazes at me with the anxiety of a dog awaiting a half-offered tidbit. Bring her. I bear an imperative in my tone. Perhaps she may make a companion for us both. I cannot be abandoned.
How intricate and yet how futile is speech-the exchanging of tokens. As much can be read in the eyes as what is said. He would have at my secrets, which I suspect in his mind are the condiments of his imagination. Nothing was ever known, seen, flourished, or conveyed. Perhaps my lips smile too often in rooms such as these, yet I knew them not to before. Rather have I taken on expressions as one changes hats. I appear at the moment to be wearing one rather more catching to the eye than I had intended, for my uncle's eyes light up. Arrangements are made as to how he might leave me for the nonce and then return.
Arrangements have ever been among my favourite occupations. Without them is no ceremony, though at times they may be understood rather than stated. Even so, fences must be erected at agreed distances, enclosures made, inspections overtly taken, the perimeters and parameters established, the exits known, though only to the immediate participants and not all. Such makes for comfort, directions, certitude. The dance may then proceed, weak though the pipes may be and soft the drums.
With my uncle's going, I recall the presence of the maid. He had forgotten her-not I. The bedroom door opens like a statement of intent, and there she stands and waits.
I wanted to know if everything was hung all right and proper, Miss, and if you wished me to help you dress.
There is wine untouched in the other room. Bring it to me. You may have a glass.
I'm not allowed, Miss. Not with guests. Not in the rooms at all.
I have forbidden it? If I have not, then you may.
I watch her in her walk, the easy-flowing. Some far-faint calling of voices from a garden comes to my ears. There is something I remember about her and yet not. I would ask. Her eyes have the clarity of polished glass. I perceive no ghosts in them. Patting the bed, I bring her to sit with me. The wine runs cool upon our tongues.
Give me a little from your mouth. It is called French drinking-did you know?
Her breath is peppermint, overlaid now with a finer tang of wine. Yes, I believe that I do. Once I did. When was it? Oh, I saw you and remembered and grew afraid of the remembering. When was it? Perhaps we were not always here. Were we always?
Do it again. With the wine. Give me your tongue in the giving. Shall we remember? You were not called by a common name. What is your name?
Charlotte. I had a sense of it that there would be a coming tonight. I knew your name without the telling of it. You were always called Laura, though once I think you were called Laurette.
Tell me of that, Charlotte. I don't remember. Our tongues lick-touch through pools of wine.
I don't remember, I don't. Oh, if they should seek me now-come seek me now. She starts up from my arms, falls back. Her legs dangle over the edge of the bed. I lean over her. She has not the coarseness of Jenny. There are finer strands within. I kiss her brow, the tip of her nose. She laughs: You always did that.
You were ever called Charlotte. I recall that now. When butterflies were netted in the garden you cried and tried to touch their fluttering wings. Whenno, I cantit has gone again.
If you hide me I can stay. Will you hide me? I always did as you told me, I know that, I do. You were ever the mistress in our ways. I used to hide in a cupboard and watch. The door of the cupboard creaked. It was an old house. They said once it was to be pulled down.
Watch? What did you watch? Tell me what you watched.
Only the first time you did it with him, I think. I watched then. No-there was a second time. It comes and goes in the remembering.
Who? Who did I do it with? Far calling of curlews and a sky by Turner, the dying summers hid by boys amid first fallings of the leaves. You know the gentleman I am with now? Do you? Now-here now-here?
No. It was others then. Others. I knew your name in my remembrances again today. A man passed me in the corridor below. I saw his eyes and there were dead butterflies in them.
She begins to cry. I kiss the pearling of her tears. A quiver-shudder, breasts to breasts upon the high bed lying. The glasses, unregarded, roll about. Wet lips to lips. Our salivas mingle. Yes, it was like this, like this sometimes, Charlotte. Show me your legs. How lovely they used to look, drawn back and open.
You made me-you always made me.
She pouts, draws high her skirt as I roll from her. Garters pink enclasp her thighs. They have a sad and tawdry look, but are clean. I bend upon her and kiss the inner milkiness where her thigh flesh curves. More scents of yesterdays invade my nostrils. Image and faces melt together. A man unseen, unknown, invisible, pushes down his blue plush breeches in waiting-in waiting for the parting of our thighs. His penis quivers in the waiting. Charlotte clutches me. Her voice now: Do it to me later, Laura, if you hide me.
Salt of sea coral to my lips at the parting of her curls, her down, her bush. Her legs widen and she strains. She knows the Venus-couch again. One leg of it was loose and it would wobble. It stood where a carpet ended, I remember. His penis to my bottom put while yet I tongued her. A cart rattled somewhere passing and there were footsteps in rooms above. We cared not then for discoveries of sin.
A woman, large, morose, came once upon us, creeping down. You dirty beast, I knew you would be at them, she said.
Charlotte cried Oh! and hid her eyes, and the woman went and we were alone in our breathings. It was ever dusty, and the basins cracked. In winter we would huddle together, waiting for the sharp, clear frosts of morning, breakings of water through the ice and the birds forlorn upon the branches.
Do me! Her voice now shrill, her bottom squirming.
Oh! I was remembering! The scene is gone, the dust dissolved. I sit up, throw my hair back. Her eyes are sulky with desire and yet a water-coloured mischief lies behind the pupils' glinting. Her mouth moves, rosebud mouth, and then is stilled.
I have to go, Miss. Her changeling voice has changed again. I will not have it so and shake her.
Is there dancing here, Charlotte? Oh, come back-remember!
They won't let me. Yes, there is, yes. I'm not sure where, though. Along the corridor somewhere, somewhere. If I came back. I could come back. Shall I come back?
After my uncle has gone, yes.
Oh, your uncle, is he? Her voice is pert. Sitting up, she shakes her hair, thrusts down her skirt. Shall we be three a-bed, as once we were? Not with him, but another. Shall I know what to do? There used to be flowers once and meadows. I don't know where it was-don't know. It frets at me. You'll remember it, I know you will. I can't remember unless you remember. Not always. There will be carriages after the dancing, will there not?
Of course, there are always carriages. They will summon them and hide them, if we go, waiting for our emergence. Go quickly, go, or the moment may be gone. Return-return, Charlotte!
Oh yes. It will be all right again then, I know it will. As it was before.
A kiss and she is gone. I bathe and scent myself and know my wholeness. The suite becomes me. A certainty of being obtains within it. I would have mother know how pleasing are the raised blue patterns on the silk wallpaper, the gilded knobs that crown the bedposts, the tassels that will surely sway in their untinkling. As once they did.
My drawers shimmer, being of black silk. They encase me tightly as I ever wish them to. I have seen my aunts in drawers loose and despondent, lacking both memory and touch. I invest my calves, knees, thighs as befits them in a charcoal shade. My garters clip tightly. Attraction lies in such attentions, as I was taught. In the owl's cry, the wind's cry, the whispering of the ivy and the silence of the moss.
Smooth your stockings up. Laura let your ankles show. Mould your bottom into your drawers as to my hands. Keep your back straight. Affect not shoes nor boots with flat heels. Walk unhesitant, nor shy, nor proud. Be ever easy in your goings. Receive, accept.
I persuade rouge into my cheeks, though little needing it. A lady who is perceived as best and fitting so joins together the attractions of the prim and the wanton that it is not known whether she is either or both together on Sundays or fine days and so she is sought.
I have finished with my ruminations, my preachings and my parables. My eyes are rimmed but delicately with kohl. I need no further endeavours. I have chosen a gown so close to white that it seems not to hesitate upon the colour, displaying its blue ribbons, its frilled corsage, its gatherings. I have worn it twice before and that three years beyond. The hem holds memories of sperm. In its wickedness.
My uncle arrives with his companion. She is in her later twenties, tallish and elegant. Having surveyed one another we exchange eyes and survey ourselves thus, mirror to mirror. I mark her memories who have not known them. She can scarcely know mine.
You have not accommodated yourself in the hotel, uncle?
There is time, my dear. We might take liqueurs in your suite, perhaps.
The meal is done. I know too well the liqueur he intends. It is of the singular and not plural variety. The cheeks of my bottom tighten, are guarded. Dangers of revelation attend me in his presence. My tongue shall not uncurl. The lift rumbles and trundles, taking us to my abode. With then the bringing of Chartreuse and Benedictine the lady sits upon his lap. A smile I take to be inviting suggests my involvement in equal measure. Her head turns, regards the intervening doors where Charlotte lately stood.
It is a nice bed. Really it is too late to make arrangements other. Other than. Do you not think? she asks.
His hand invests her thigh but is afraid to travel. I have but to smile and he will gather up her skirt. Perhaps I am to be ravaged and made prisoner of them both-the farewells made upon the steps at morn. The departures empty of promise.
I must write to father.
I rise, approach the escritoire. Its rims are rimmed with gold. Ornate. It attracts me. I have neither of them in my vision yet feel their sudden stillness. My letter writes itself in my uncle's mind ere I have taken up the pen.
Of course, my accommodation-how stupid, he exclaims, It is late for you now to write.
I turn. She glides from his knees like a leaf from a log. There is a limpness in her stature, an incomprehension. My uncle stands in turn.
I shall write when you have said goodnight. Will that not be better?
Indeed, Laura, for you may say that I have just departed.
That you have just departed, yes.
Our separations are formal. I close the doors. Does my mother knit and father fret? That my uncle is well furnished and appurtenanced with virility I do not doubt. His woman will feel the functioning tonight-the two-backed beast of Rabelais will thresh. Even so, in some small, dark and secret room I might have yielded, my hand to my mouth, biting my teeth into the slim fruits of my fingers. Unspeaking. Did he do it to you, say it yes! I would not say, I would not say. My bottom bulbs warm to the brown-carved door. In the dancing, if there be dancing. Yes.
Would it please you to know that I have been taken?
Thus did I ask my aunt, my paternal aunt-for she was in many ways the safer of the two-a week before my marriage. The words came from me as slowly as a plum splits, yet is sudden.
Rumpled and ridden? Her laugh was like the two last notes, the high notes played on the piano, one following quick upon the other. Were you then taken to the summerhouse? she asked. I shook my head, she seeing only the reflection of my head and shoulders in my mirror. I chewed upon a hairpin, its indifference. It is best so, for the gardeners lurk there. They have had many sights to see in the past of which you have been innocent. Have you been ridden fore or aft?
I moved my hips. Again her laugh. Then you are virgin still-'tis good. Better to have known the thick shaft's burning there. Your bottom is the fuller for it, yet in its tightness it encloses secrets. Have no shame on it for the male fruit so inserted is ever fruitful though unproductive save of yearnings for its further approaches.
You will not tell?
It was my last naivete', yet it threaded not my voice. I spoke as one who had received, discarded, and is yet ready to accommodate again.
Had I done so, my pet, at the first falling of the strap, how cold the house would have become. Now with your going shall be winter.
I turned and kissed her. I had said nothing of the strap and yet she knew. I may return yet, dear aunt.
Of course you shall and must, yet think not of your comings and goings overmuch but of acceptances, receipts of pleasure. Raise your skirts and let me see you.
I did so and stood-turned slowly. She patted my bottom, my thighs, all about. A murmur of admiration escaped her.
How smooth and creamy your skin has become through it. I would have seen you squeal and squall, threshing your hips in love's surrender, yet it was not to be. One lives in part on memories of things unknown, unseen. So must it be, for the unseen is often the better envisaged thereby, is enlivened, made articulate, perpetually alive. Take not a yearling now, for you have known the lion's breath at your ears.
My eyes were questions marks, as she perceived.
Ask not. The answers lie within you, not outside. Questions are as moths. Their wings get burned.
A knock disturbs my memories. I upon the door upon Charlotte.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I am not as others are nor yet as others would become. The light that falls upon most others leaves them but opaque. People should have a certain translucency, a yielding to the light. Had it not been for the presence of Charlotte, whom I both knew and knew not, I might have fled home and donned again my old attires, sucked the brown ribbons on a brown, brown dress, and awaited the benedictions of the strap. I would sponge Perdita down- the marble of her cold yet knowing to my hands. Father would take his longbow into the paddock, as oftimes he did, and the arrows would sing again, fleeting towards some distant target, or the hesitant hare.
He would never shoot to kill a living creature. His pride was in missing them by a hair's breadth. How that hare's feet scampered! he would chuckle, and then sharpen his small broadheads anew while I stood and watched, fearful of and yet fascinated by their tiny leaf-shape, the glittering of their sharp edges and their points. The nocking-point on his bowstring sometimes frayed and I would bind it for him with two rings of red thread so that the nock of the arrow could be placed exactly between them. Often enough he would shoot at a round straw target that a manservant would bring out and place upon a sort of easel. Father would then stand very straight as he drew the string, his three fingers around it ever quivering back and forth until it seemed that the strength of the bow must overcome him. But then at last, when I often thought almost all at breaking point, the arrow would be loosed, rising in a long loping curve and so swiftly until it met and buried its head in the centre of the target. Thus did Mr. Ford, the Champion Archer of England shoot, averred my father, and thus would he also shoot, though at a rather lesser distance, but I have noticed that men often try to copy one another in such matters.
What happens to the past-each moment like a photographic likeness-has often given me much to think on.
It enters into the enclosures of the present, father would say, and in my understanding of his words was yet no understanding. My thoughts would tumble all about like small monkeys who can find no other mischief to perform. I would run between the past and the present- sometimes would turn about and with the future flirt.
That is as well, he said when I told him of this, for all doors and frameworks and lattices are forever open, so you may go back and forth, hither and yonder at will like the darting swallows that never descend but ever seek the insects in the air.
Then it came to me that the poor insects which were soon to be swallowed were at once in the past, the present, and the future, for the birds-so quickly do they wheel and twist and turn-and all in the same space which each occupied with no interval between except for those in my mind. This I also told father, who smiled and kissed me and said, When you know of it, do not speak of it or it is gone.
So was my mind wrapt in mystery as now, as now, as now, though I wished my mind to be still as a pond is still when the boys with their stones and their fishing nets have gone and all that was disturbed in the pond sinks back to the bottom and leaves but a calm understanding with no ripple upon the water. It reflects the moon but is not disturbed by the moon. So would I have had my mind be, as a mirror that passes judgement not nor frets about reflections after they have gone.
In time there were moments-are moments ever on-when my mind is such and I have not two eyes but one and that one eye becomes the entirety of my face so that I have only seeing, and I have hearing, but I respond not.
I am become a mirror.
There is neither coming nor going there-where the dancing is.
Charlotte's words have the sadness of things which are left alone too long in darkened rooms.
Yet there is dancing. Is there dancing? Come, you must change, take off your clothes. You are ill suited to them.
Do you remember once that he said I would become a servant if I did not bend to his will?
He? I seek for shadows which are gone.
It does not matter, Laura. Sometimes we remember and sometimes we do not. The hurried words, the scurried words perform their dance of dried leaves.
She seated on the bed, I bend to strip her stockings, shoes, and suck her toes. They taste of cherries. I wanted to do this on the train, but you are not the same. Not the same one-no, not the same. She does not answer, languid in her pose.
It is nice, I like it, she says at last and wiggles her small toe in my mouth.
No, you are spoiled. Get up and put on this chemise, this gown. There will be gentlemen there who will flirt with you. I was always happy when they did.
Her bottom has a pertness that enchants, the cheeks tight with their secrecy that yet I sensed and knew had yielded oft. I hold her chin, she standing upright, and feel the groove between the bulbous half-moons.
Do not bunk, Charlotte. Keep your eyes to the front, your legs straight and apart. Do it-you must!
Obeying, she obeys. Her eyes are pebbles under water. I have seen myself so in mirrors in the past when first my fondlings front and back occurred. I stand to her, my belly to her hip, my left hand cups her pulsing nest, the right explores her netherness.
Is it nice? I ask as one whose interest is faint. She nods, her lips compressed. Both together front and back, is nice? She nods again, does well to speak not One must have obedience and immure oneself in silence save for the hissing of the nostrils' breath. A small puff escapes her mouth as my digits make their entrance, work and twirl. Now tighten both her lips as on the pleasure comes-but I desist. She should have the strap now for both her naughtiness and her obedience. Such is the paradox that one accepts.
Bend forward now, Laura, hands on your knees. Be otherwise still. Legs splayed!
I knew, expected, and received. A dozen first of swirling tawse and then the deep, warm entry of his tool-I yielded, rocking, whimpering, dust of the summer's present golden on my brow. Sometimes as he worked I would be urged forward inch by inch until my hands could rise and rest upon the burred edge of my cabinet Then to the peak-point would his crest enter, my quim full nesting on his comforter, his palm, and my eyes would dwell upon all unseeing. I would see into yesterday and the morrow, the swallows in their high flight soaring. To my eyes would come the veins of leaves, translucent green, myriad, and magnified.
I turn Charlotte's face to mine. She remains otherwise still My fingers return to tickle her a little.
There were words. Do you remember the words, Charlotte? Speak-you may speak.
Words-there were blatherings of words, tongue to tongue, words, lips to words, lips to lips.
In the liquid spurtings, yes. My eyes dance. Are you going to come? Again her nodding nods. Her knees quiver and bend a little, neck bends, face back. She is spring and summer to my whims.
Laura, oh, Laura, let me, yes.
Yes, my dove, my wanton, come-come spurt a little as you ever did, sparkling of splashing rain upon his cock. Give me your tongue now, the way we were taught-in, out in out flick fast flick fast!
In the leavings of love's desirings, lost and sticky, a paleness to the cheeks and yet a warmth.
We must go now. Come, finish your dressing. I am abrupt with her. It is in her wanting. Her hair brushed and crested, we depart. The corridor lies empty to our view.
This way-I am sure it is this. She takes my hand, here where the electric lights in their unhissing gleam. At the far end-the doors we pass gazing stolid upon us-we turn right and come upon a dead end. The wallpaper here is stained. One corner at the top is loose. It waits with the patient sadness of things to be replaced, put back, made whole again. If it could speak it would speak to me of this.
There is music. Can you hear? Her eyes have a momentary wildness of lilies.
There is no door, Charlotte. A mewing of violins, the temperate tinkling of a piano, and a faint brouhaha of voices come to me. Reaching to the blank end of the wall, I trace a ridging where a door hides beneath.
We cannot get in. I knew we would not, Laura.
Wait! If we tear the wallpaper-we may tear the wallpaper, may we not?
I can assist you, Madam?
We turn as marionettes might turn. A gentleman of voice, he is yet dressed as a pageboy, though immaculate.
There is the dancing. My voice quavers though I wish it not to.
Yes? It is not permitted for you though. I regret this, of course, deeply. Perhaps I may accompany you back to your room? Your uncle has returned, I believe.
My uncle? Charlotte, you must come, must come!
She should not be dressed so, Miss. He has seen now the bareness of my wedding finger, for I have removed my ring. There are insistencies and there are insistencies. His hand dares take my elbow, leads me on.
Charlotte! I call back to her as one calls in one's mind to the writer of a letter of sadness but he has turned me at the corner. She does not follow! Why does she not follow?
It is not permitted. Wait You understand that you must wait, ever wait?
I would speak, but he has turned back. A murmuration of voices-a cry from Charlotte.
No, not on my own! Not there-I cannot go in there alone! Laura!
The opening of a door-the music louder. The door slammed. And gone, she is gone. I run back and the wall is blank, the wallpaper untouched. There is music still within, within.
One should know if one is lost, should one not?
Come, I shall return you, Miss. To your suite, Miss.
Should one know if one is lost? I ask, Should one know?
Yours is the cry in the night that echoes often. What is your suite number, Miss?
You said my uncle waited there.
Some wait, some do not.
Charlotte! My voice echoes and I turn my head to the infinity of the corridor behind me. With each step that we walk a light goes out behind us, extinguished in series until all behind is darkness.
She is best where she is. She will soon enough get caught up in the music, Miss. You may want her back, of course. That is appreciated. If it is right and proper, she will come back. If you have the knowing of it then she will.
The knowing? This is my suite. Are you going to attend on me?
That it should be your wish, then I will. Time quivers and is gone so quickly. I wanted to see the form of you as soon as you appeared here. You have been trained to obedience, I believe, and that is the best for any young lady. I have no whims other than you have known. They jump a little at first, the young ladies, but soon enough they know where to land. They have their point of reference, so to speak-it is a guidance and an understanding. Such have I learned. I approach you with the homage due from a gentleman to a lady.
Of course.
We are within. The lights appear to glitter more brightly than when I left but minutes ago. Or hours before. There is no sign of my uncle, no upturned hat, no gloves, no polished stick.
He may come yet, after me. The man appears to read my thoughts. He is tallish and a little saturnine. I judge him to be twice my age. He picks up from a table where I had placed them the small likenesses of Mama and Papa, then replaces them and unbuttons his tunic, the small brass buttons disappearing one by one through the holes.
Sir James, he says. It is a statement.
You know my father?
We are all known to one another in this world. It is the coming-upon which is sometimes a surprise. Prepare yourself as it was given to you to be prepared, in your middle way and not in the first days of your undoing.
Charlotte may be singing now. With the music. I wonder if she will be singing?
I am not answered, but it does not matter. I put the question to myself, stroke it for a moment and then it is gone. Perhaps it evaporates or passes through the glass panes of the windows out over the dark city, floating, gone, dazzled by lights, bemused by dark.
The bedroom to which I move enhances me with space. I unfasten and discard my gown slowly, for there is the waiting. I lower my drawers and feel the sleekness of my thighs, the weavings of wonder of the threads that clothe my nether limbs. In a tilted standing mirror whose feet claw at the carpet, dumb, I survey myself with shyness yet with approbation. The girl on the train-I forget her name-said that my stockings glistened. It is so. My garters are rosetted, tight, the thigh-flesh swells above a little. A shade of plumpness in these regions, it is said, is beneficial. I would not have too much of it, not too little. The curves should be pleasing, complimentary, subtle in their outspringing where the indentations of the thighs yield to the bottom's bulbing. Hesitant as a doe, I gaze towards the doors, then use the perfume stick, between my cheeks, betwixt my thighs. I am ready unto his readiness. Am I to bend, hands flat upon my knees-or kneel?
If your uncle were to come-were he to come-have there ever been two?
The man asks in entering. His shirt is loose. I am minded to immaculacy but do not comment on it. I sift the question, examine the pieces. Being not of wanton mind, I know not its meaning at first.
Two. Were there ever two? he repeats.
I understand now. I believe I understand. I shall not answer him directly.
There is neither knowing of it nor not knowing of it.
My answer produces a chuckle from him. He appears pleased. What a princess you are-how small and yet not. How angelic your eyes! How innocent you must have looked. I wish to see your eyes when I am putting you to it.
You may not. It was never done. Only in the dark was it done and I was comforted.
A finger in my bottom, tongue to tongue.
There should not be words, not here, not in this realm where quietness should obtain. I may reject him yet. I step back. His eyes become harsh.
Show me! he utters.
No! I am stubborn, yet beneath the will of his gazing I raise at last the lace-frilled hem of my white chemise. My bush shows, dark and springy upon my springlike flesh.
Two would suit you. You are of an age for it now.
I stand as Charlotte stood, my legs apart. What? My tone is the tone of an aristocrat.
He grins. I do not like grins. Smiles should be subtle, seeking a response. You don't know of it, do you? Never thought of it, have you? One here-he dips a forefinger beneath my slit-and one here. Together. His free hand fingers my bottom.
Murmurings of streams and flickerings of lightning. No. I would be then as grass buried in the mud by a careless heel, a heel that hunts the fox and courses hares.
How indecent!
I move back from him sharply. I resent. Let the wind carry him and be gone with him. His manner of vocabulary belies his accent. People should be of one piece and entire.
All right, then. Let met put you to the strap. As was. As you liked it, ever did.
You may not, no.
I gather up my gown, am cold of eyes. The pattern is gone, dissembled, broken. Where there are lattices they should let in but fine clear bars of light. Where there are curtains the dust should dance. There is no ceremony here, but a coarseness. He is between being one man and another, and uncomfortable with both. He is neither of the past, present, nor future. Such quiet as there should be may be broken only by the creaking of old floorboards, the turning of a key in an oiled lock, the muted protests of the bed, the slapsmack of the leather to my yielding, the rustling of my gown removed. Such silences are autonomous. They contain all within themselves and have their own authority as do the silent roots of trees.
You may leave.
I have found myself, fingered the threads of my beginnings. Into my gown head-swooping of a sudden I am covered. His eyes yield disappointments for which I have no pity. Pity is for the poor, the desolate, the unknown, the boys in rags who sleep in barrels or under a tarpaulin freezing.
Have champagne sent up to me. I sweep into the drawing room.
Yes, Miss. His voice has returned to the London undergrowth again, made coarse. I seat myself upon a chaise longue and upon his opening of the door see my uncle and the woman standing there. The man bows to them, goes out. They enter.
I have ordered champagne. My look is neither bleak nor warm. The woman wears an uncertain smile of the shape of a discarded glove.
Well, then. My uncle looks all about as if assuring himself of his location. They seat themselves in chairs facing me-I the accuser or the accused. Did you write? Write to your papa?
Of course. I shade the words with grey. It is an appropriate colour for words, though not for women in their wear unless they be nondescript. Charcoal shades are pleasing. Mingled with black. My stockings have the sheen of rooks' wings. Let us be silent now while I think what is to be done.
Of course. His fingers twine as a man's never should unless he is a preacher or a mendicant. There is a weakness therein. Hands should be free and strong in their taking.
Lower the silence like a white sheet and listen. My eyes so instruct them. They obey. I wait for the knock, the champagne, the bubbling. It is my only concern at the moment. An interruption sought, discovered-an interlude such as when someone coughs in church or a girl is tumbled at a picnic while the others watch and the earth moves to the sudden bumping of her bottom. Thrust, withdraw, and thrust again. There are females who should wear drawers for ever and some who should never, though all should wash twice a day their linen or whatever lies beneath. So my mother taught and I believe.
The champagne arrives, is served. It is of indifferent quality, but it matters not. It is a pink shade, as the woman shyly observes, for she wishes to say something that will not offend. My uncle clears his throat. I apprehend speech and interrupt him while yet the words tumble down from mind to throat.
You may have her. Take her into the bedroom. Leave the doors open. I shall watch. Then you may leave.
It was not expected. You cannot see the bed from here.
I shall come and go, uncle. You have no need to observe me. Leave the bed tidy and all about clean. Or you may have her on the floor. Here. Put the cushions down.
The woman licks her lips. He will be too quick. If you are watching all the time he will be too quick.
Yes? I ask, look at them both, then drink.
He places down his glass and rises. Well, get up then, get up, Maude, get up.
All right, yes.
She rises as though her clothes are already discarded and her underwear dirty to my eyes.
She might do it with you, too, afterwards, she might.
They are all but her last words, words coherent, in her muttering. A haplessness is upon her. In the moment of their limp embracing his hands draw up her gown, pull at her drawers.
Don't be too quick, don't be too, she breathes.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I had watched without watching as one watches the figures and faces of people in whom one has no interest, or as one watches water that runs along a gully by a pathway. Upon entering her his penis was as strong and rigid as the stub of a broom handle. Upon emerging it was oiled and flaccid. That was all. Unable to open her corsage he had wettened the indifferent cloth with his lips, seeking nipples that had not perhaps arisen or were too covered to be felt and known.
In his last seepings I had moved to the bedroom and closed the doors upon them. I heard not their going but lay twixt sleep and unsleeping. At two A.M. I awoke to fullness and thought I heard a faint crying as if from Charlotte. A bird fluttered its wings against the window and was gone. Perhaps she and the bird were one now. Perhaps. There is ever a becoming. We who rise from sleep are not those who softly went to sleep.
At breakfast a waiter twitters around me. I know my attractions, the deft turnings of my profiles, the light and shade upon my cheeks.
Is Charlotte not here? I throw the question-an unwanted penny.
Beg pardon, Miss? I repeat the name. He shakes his head, stills it, then shakes again. No one of that name I've ever known here, Miss. It is French. Is she French?
Perhaps you do not know all who work here.
Was she upstairs? Upstairs was she?
Upstairs and gone-where the dancing He is moving away before I finish. I will get your bill Miss.
I have ventured a world into a world again where light meets grey and enters into dark. My question has burned its wings even as my aunt said my questions would. The air of the breakfasting room enters my mouth and is hollow. Here where no kestrels hover and no doves descend. I rise and take my exit before he can bring the bill to my table. It is of no moment-the scratching of a pen to signify an act of eating, drinking, done, yet one must ever be aware of the mundane, its prickles waiting to emerge as claws. The hedgerows might have seized me often had I let them. Aware of their dark waiting, I would draw the hem of my skirt close in passing or hold a basket in my hand nearest to the branched enfoldings, ready to run, to run.
I expect my uncle to wait upon the steps outside, forlorn and solemn, but there is no one. The unwholesomeness of a waiting cab receives me as do the long, late streets of morning, a furtiveness of shops that hide their wares. A clerk in Drummond's Bank close by Trafalgar Square needs no more than my name. I intend to give him no more; it suffices. Father's early telegraphed reply has been received. He has been as bountiful in his spendings as ever. I draw three hundred pounds, all counted as slowly as though the clerk has saved them for me through long years of waiting and now in part regretted their departure. I shall walk in a park and feel the bark of trees-the rough greeting of their brown dust on my gloves. I am a mirror still-the eye of seeing.
I cross Pall Mall and to St. James's go. Father showed me all this. I remember. We sat beneath a tree and viewed the duckling pond, remarked the splashings and the sounds of water. In passing over the bridge I had dropped a posy upon the surface beneath that it might float into eternity, dying and renewed, reborn and gone.
There are people huddled here and scattered all about-a slow dying of the lost and the abandoned. The crumpled bonnets of the women with their faded bands, the dark and filthy skirts, the ragged boots.
Here, you now, on with you-git on!
A park keeper, a person of assumed importance, moves among them prodding with a stick. Women and men together ain't allowed. I told you many times of it. Git along!
They stir, swear, stir and slowly rise, as if animated bundles of clothing for the first time come alive.
Bleedin' old sod, you are-always at us!
I got my regulations. Women is always separate from the men. There's plenty of grass here all abouts for you to lie separate. Separate is what you have to be, that's what it says.
Git on!
It is thought perhaps that they might copulate. How quite revoking, seeing their attire and dirtiness!
I turn, regarding she who speaks. It would appear that I am addressed-perhaps undressed within her vision. Of some thirty years perhaps, she is attired for riding, yet I see no horse. Beyond her stands a manservant of equal years-one who in his rigid posture holds a paleness of waiting.
To copulate is to die for a moment.
My reply pleases her evidently. Our eyes hook and unhook, twitch to twitch, yet without movement.
You came this way again. I thought you might again. Shall we go to the house? I have my carriage at the gates, though it is at walking distance, as you recall, if you prefer. The carriage.
I prefer a suddenness. Her figure has a sleekness that attracts. The lush dark of her hair seeks my fingers. I shall remove my gloves and let my hands roam in the forest-of her mystery, turning the waves to seek the skin beneath. Her eyes are the eyes of Charlotte, yet tinted other-perhaps as Jenny's. I forget. I shall not venture her name for I have forgotten it, too, or never knew it. They are not the eyes of my aunts.
We go unspeaking, seeking certainty. If I turn here, perhaps-or there, perhaps-I shall come upon the promenade again, the Royal Pavilion, a fluttering of Millies, a sadness of deserted rooms. Distance is ever a trick, an illusion. All places are enclosed within all places, all Time within Time. The rose unfolds and closes. Perhaps it contains the universe and we who stand without are held also within.
Her carriage is no longer blue, though I know not how I know, but now bright yellow, rimmed with black.
It is my canary touch.
Her eyes follow my eyes, her words anticipate my speak Within, the seats of velvet plush are red. The manservant mounts postillion and we move. There is scarce a swaying. The springs are new. At a fair, brisk trot we draw up at a mansion. Stables adjoin, set back for secrecy. A neighing of horses sounds our entrance-a whinnying, a clinking, then is done. She speaks again.
I shall have bells fixed to the wheels. What a pleasant tinkling it would make. Would it not?
I reply yes and furl my parasol as we enter.
Your room is ever as it was. Do you remember your room, Laura?
Questions have wings, are burned, I laugh-am kissed upon my lips within the hall.
I remember, too. Her voice has sadness. The manservant, having entered in our wake, is turned to. Are you ever here-my servant-yes?
Sutcliffe, Miss. Yes.
Laura, he forgets so much. Why do we all forget? Come, I have a thirst upon me and sense one in you, too. All shall be well now that you have returned. There were once no birds in the garden, you know. No blackbird sang.
She moves to the velvet drapes and gazes out beyond. The garden is untended, all unkempt, a rusting of scythes, a groaning of rollers, handles limp. Back offered to my breasts she stands while the manservant with a plop removes a cork.
Do you yield to him?
I ask the question so softly that he cannot hear, yet of a sudden she turns about, her visage proud as morning in its rising.
He whips me. Do you not whip me, Sutcliffe? It is forbidden, you know. I am held if I resist. Will you not aid me, Laura?
As once I did before? Did I before? Tendrils of recollections wisp like smoke, are gone.
Do you remember, Laura, the books we read, here in this room when we were young? Her voice takes on a merriness.
We used to sit on the floor. Mama was angry to ever find us kissing. You may go, Sutcliffe. We have no need of you.
Of course, Miss. I know my unwantedness.
He is strong only when I am bared and held. Do you like my attire? I wear it even when I am not riding-of occasion. Of occasion, I do not. Kiss me. Do you not wish to? Wait- unbutton my gown. You ever sought to first-first feeling, fondling. Are they not large still, and so firm?
A divan has received us. I know its scents, its squeaks, the chestnut-blossom haze of yielded sperm, her writhings, twistings, legs thrown all about. This was why, I believe, she was held-so that she might be made to lie still during the doing of it. Thick-pointed now, her nipples to my lips, smooth bulge of breasts.
Don't struggle-don't. I seek but cannot find her name. The envelopes of memory have slipped.
I don't with you, I don't, you know I don't.
Her face lies sideways, eyes of wonder, tipping of tongue twixt lips, her skirts upraised. Long ever were her legs as I recall, thighs swelling to her crotch no drawers conceal.
Ah, the sweet fur of you, deep fur of you! I lick, work at her coral with my licking lick. Hips writhe, her legs upraised, drawn back, her belly silky to my hissing breath.
A little further in-oh, dearest, yes. Snake in your tongue and twirl it all about. Reach up your hands that my hands yours enclasp.
How awkward is the pose, yet I obey, my blindness to the moisture of her cleft, my tongue a busyness about her spot. I, snuffling in my seeking, kneeling, bowed, then feel her legs enfold my shoulders tight. Her fingers to my fingers deep entwine.
I have her, Miss-I have her-hold her tight!
Sutcliffe! He is upon me from the rear, my skirts upmounded, drawers down-ripped, his entrance silent as the movement of a tongue.
What a bottom she has, Miss. Full round and smooth as ever was.
Afterwards, Sutcliffe, afterwards! Full in her, man, and take your toll. Well has her rose been opened up, I know. Dark curtains and the dust's drifting.
I would cry perhaps, but I have never cried. My arms full stretched from shoulders forward, face buried in her muff, she has me well. As Sutcliffe does, his hands clamped to my hips, the bulbous nosing of his manhood in my cleft. She cannot see who only sees his face, the grimace of his features in his cleaving.
Ah, she's tight still-tight-that's what she is.
Sutcliffe, be quiet-be quiet-you have been told. Work her slowly or you'll know the whip. Ill have her feast on it, as well she ever did. Did you not, Laura? Be truthful now, in this moment. Come, dearest, forward more-raise your head, come upon me, knees at my hips. Thrust your bottom to him! How much do you have of him as yet? Three inches, four?
I will not speak, will not. Mouth wet, I lift my shoulders, shuffle knees, gaze blind into her face. The mirror of my seeing's broken, cracked, or crazed. I whimper, wriggle; in-deep in-his blatant tool is urged until the root full taken, corks me now, and my sheened bottom to his belly's pressed.
HAAAAR!-the long shudders of my breath. He moves, shunts, pistons, works.
My little darling, there-was it not ever so? I answer not to her, I moan, receive. His fleshy rod the pleasure of me takes, her legs about my waist entwined. I, ringed in every sense, am worked, her voice a cloud about my ears. Dark in the secrets of his pounding then, he comes-too soon, too soon, the rich juice spurting, weakening to his groans. I, too, have spilled upon her fingers' toil, lie limp in his withdrawing, closely held.
Go, Sutcliffe, go. You do not watch, nor wait! Her voice imperious, and he is gone, I unregarding of his form or face, his dangling root, his emptied balls. My rose seeps, my bottom glows. She strokes my hair. I am a child upon her breast.
So it was, was it not, ever for you, Laura? You are free in your speaking here. There is no one to listen here. Should I have strapped you first? It always came before, did it not?
Place your words carefully that I may step across them.
I have risen in my speaking from her arms and all is in my seeing. Her hair is mussed, awry upon her forehead, bleared with moisture. I restore my drawers, my rumple-ruffled skirts.
Such poise! She makes to laugh, to mock. My look stills her.
Are you understanding? How did you know my name?
I had not asked this of Jenny nor the others nor Charlotte.
Was I not ever understanding? As to your name, you would not have it changed?
Her hand makes to take my own, is repulsed. Wedging her legs behind me, I sit back. The pleasures of tightening and relaxing my riven globe are as intense as ever. Shall I stay here, in this netherness, this place of unknowing, unknown, yet hinted at by stray tendrils of thought that move within me as weeds sway in ponds?
It was not given to you to watch. Have you no beliefs, I ask.
Her gaze is one of awe-incomprehension. She flounders in the waters of my mind, reaches for shores I never thought to own yet whereon lie the imprints of my feet.
When one is taught what one must believe then one accepts the teachings, Laura. Even as we were taught. So long ago perhaps, yet you cannot have forgotten? Did his prong not please you? I tease him unmercifully, you know. You will stay? You must! You have not yet gone upstairs, visited your old room where lie the bandoliers of thoughts, the paper chains of Christmas, the flowers we pressed. There was ever a doing of such things, was there not-the pressing of flowers and so on. I found two cobnuts in one of your drawers the other day that you had forgotten. How dried and bitter they were, as all my tears have been.
I may stay for a while. You understand that I may stay? No-wait. There is Charlotte. She came before, or in between. I do not know.
Charlotte?
She came before or in between. Is gone again. Do you not recall her? It was not here, though. The certainty of that grows fast upon me. The house was older and stood more alone. The doors to the cupboards creaked. In winter it was cold, so cold.
What strange fantasies possess you sometimes, Laura! You were always thus. The grass must be cut now. We shall have gardeners again as we did before. The blackbirds changed their songs to the changing seasons. I ever remember that. Father made us listen closely and taught us. He said that the warmth or cold upon their bodies made it so.
Father?
Did we not learn such wisdom from him at all the turnings of the hours? When there was too much butter on the muffins we licked our fingers and were scolded. Mother scolded us. Did he come much in you?
Sutcliffe? Yes.
You may ask him to take you, of course. At your whim, your wish, your requiring. You never asked before-before Sutcliffe was known here. I speak of our younger years, you know. You were always quiet, compliant, waiting to be taken. Yes, you may ask Sutcliffe. Not to strap you, though. The servants were never permitted such save once-you remember-when Aunt Sylvia struggled overmuch. She was put to all the males that evening as a penance. It was our first watching. You remember.
No. Do I? I am drawn down again upon her. A titillation of tongues.
How perverse you are, Laura, but it was ever your way. It was said to be an attraction in you, as was my own struggling. Sutcliffe was not wasted on you, though. And besides- pouf! I saw nothing. Only your shoulders and your lovely face. I did not wish to regard his. The males are ugly in their lusting. It is only we Yes, only we.
I interrupt her, rise, look all about, examine paintings, cases, knick-knacks-salutations in the main to mediocrity. It is not a fine house as was mine, is mine, is Mama's and Papa's. Things here, within the enfolding of these walls, have not been sufficiently looked at, lived with, regarded, nurtured, taken up and touched. They come not to my eyes as gestures but as distant objects who in their humbled indifference know the disinterest of distance, the uncaring of the ones who move around them in their stillness. All should be touched and known and entered-as was II entered, tickled, teased, and warmly spermed.
You are thinking of it, Laura. I know your eyes. It was ever said in this very room ofttimes that if you had not done it then at least you were thinking of it.
I scarce hear her. Something beyond, unknown, unseen, attracts. Rising and crossing the pearl-grey sea of the carpet, I draw the curtains apart. The garden has changed, the grass shorter, the plants no longer clutched at in their growing by the weeds. The scythes, unrested, gleam again. The rollers, drawn away, brood on their heaviness of purpose.
All changes, is gone, returns. Her hand is on my shoulder. Silently across the room she has come, the long room, silently as Sutcliffe came. Her fingers caress my neck beneath my hair.
If the sea comes, we shall become part of the foam. I turn, have kissed her. Mouth to mouth have kissed her.
How appropriate! But utterly, as Mama used to say! The foam that once frothed on your bush-and mine! Her laughter is a falling of sequins, glittering. Yet would you wish it so? Better by far to stay upon the beach in its slow sloping, waiting for the fall of light, the light's slow merging into dusk. Have you electricity in your hotel? It would spoil it. Does it not spoil it? One cannot diminish the intensity of electric lighting as one can gas or oil. No, do not answer-it matters little. Here, when dusk fell and the sea stayed far, we knew our surrenders. Ever in the dying light. Close your eyes and you will remember. Cover your face with your hands.
I do so. She leads me back, as one faltering over unseen tufts of grass, to the divan. I am pressed down, seated. I must not peep. It returns to me now, a little.
So stay and then tell your thoughts. Each thought and every thought. Then whatever you are thinking, it shall be done. Do you remember the game? We called it Tell'-Tell and receive'.
I must not peep, must I? It returns to me a little-the dusk, this room.
No, you must not speak now-you know you must not speak. One was never asked to speak until one was ready- until one had walked the plank of thought, stirred the smooth knots of desire with one's toes, then plunged.
Through my fingers I cannot see. A quiver runs through me like a rabbit lost. Yes, there was watching here- I in a white dresspinkno, blue. I had thought and risen, and even though my legs trembled I had raised my dress. My thighs were lustred, my drawers of cotton tight.
It had been my first telling. All waited in silence to hear me to know my purpose, to make it plain. Elizabeth. I know her name now. She sat among them; we were all of a oneness. Their calm waiting for the confession of my desires was the magnet that exacted the penalties of my sensuous thoughts. Bridges had fallen twixt one phrase and another as I spoke. I was made to return to the gaps and repair them.
Speak the words, Laura. You must. Confess. Speak your exactitudes. Diminish not desire. Lower your drawers, girl.
I uncover my face at last, here now. Sutcliffe enters, suave and dark, removes our glasses, bows, and retires. Fragmented pictures in my mind, a scattering of rose petals. It was not he then, in that faraway, but a maid. In the very midst of the enactment of my desires she had entered to light the oil lamps and had looked for a moment, for I felt her looking.
The maids were dismissed frequently for such and put upon the streets. Once in Haymarket I saw one in a faded dress, not a month departed from the house. She had clutched at the arms of gentlemen and superior clerks. I had heard her say to one, Are you good natured, dear? It was explained to me that this was the way such girls greeted and inveigled men to sordid purposes. It was an affected gentility of phrase so mixed with naivete' and coarseness that the elements thereof could not be dissembled. Words should be matched together as are pearls upon a string. Words defeat one in misplacement and speckle our intentions.
Tell your thoughts, then-your desires as they were, Laura.
I was here, yes. In this room, yes. I had risen, spoken, displayed myself in mind and nether limbs. I walked to the table-a large one. Oh, it is not here!
There was one such. It does not matter. Its heaviness was buoyant to his purpose, the legs unmoving as our bottoms bounced. It is gone now-returned to the woods, perhaps, dissembled, stripped, returned unto the trees.
We ate supper then upon our laps like Romans or gypsies. Yes there was watching. I remember now the watching-I, skirts upspilled and drawers down, waiting. Over the table bent and waiting.
Without the waiting, Laura, there would be lust.
Yes. So we were told. Not lust, not lust, but a coming together of the parts, of explorations, declarations of love, obedience, warmth to warmth. It was silent ever. You remember that it was silent ever.
Even when he rendered himself to you, or you to him, or he to me. How could it be other?
Elizabeth, I had told my thoughts-all-everyone. When modesties veiled my speaking I was made to turn back along the path, pick up the fallen words. How strange it was to touch and speak them.
They were not coarse, my love. Only the impurities of thought make them coarse.
A maid entered.
You think I do not remember the occasion, Laura? Her name was-well, it does not matter. She was dismissed, of course.
Yes. And I upon the very brink of receiving as I was, she entered, moved among us, looked and saw. No one admonished, for it was not outwardly acknowledged that she was present. His pestle deep between my cheeks-oh, how it burned! Oh, I should not remember, no!
You may not spoil the game-you know you may not. The telling must be all of images and words. Ah, you have scarce begun. We were ever upon our honour to it, Laura. Laura! You may not leave, you must not! No!
Her far-cry calling follows me, yet I am gone-gone to the door's gaping, down the broad hall fleeing. The cobwebs of the past are too thick upon me, choking at my lips.
Laura! Laura, come back!
You may not follow her now, Miss. Not beyond the front door now you may not-you know you may not. It is Sutcliffe's voice. The front door opens to my touch, my tug, my pulling.
Let me this time, let me! Her last wail.
I would turn and return were the sunlight not upon me, so plaintive is her cry. The front door slams. Enclosures are contained.
The mown grass stirs and, silent, grows again.
CHAPTER NINE
Miss! It's Sutcliffe, Miss!
I am pursued anew. Close upon Trafalgar Square a carriage draws up alongside my own. An arm waves, a face appears. I perceive it to be his.
In the alarm of my flight I had abandoned my things. His hand flourishes my bonnet. The hubs of our carriage wheels graunch together. High words and low words are exchanged between the cabbies. The face of Sutcliffe's driver bears the expression of a man to whom excitement has come late in life. Mine is put out because he has not been allowed to pursue his leisurely course nor indeed to fulfill a promising journey. With successive jolts I am brought to descend near Charing Cross. Sutcliffe bears forth my cloak, my bonnet, my reticule.
I had luck upon it, Miss. You got into a cab so quickly I thought I was done for in finding you. We nearly lost you close upon the park. Might you pay my cabby, Miss, for I came without money.
The carriages stand fore and aft in line then as do hearses. I bring myself to dispense a few shillings to both from my recovered purse. The interval, in a sense has pleased me for I was minded not to return yet to my hotel. Donning my cloak and bonnet, I-proceed along the Strand to a coffee house.
Sutcliffe follows at a nervous distance treading no doubt precisely in my footsteps. The door to the coffee house quivers and shakes upon my entrance. It is not too common a place. A potboy of sorts serves one and all. The evident proprietor in a suit greasy with sorrow regards me with appropriate awe. Sutcliffe hesitates, scrapes back a chair upon the sawdust floors and seats himself with an air of deference opposite me.
Who are you? My voice is distant.
Sutcliffe, Miss. Bred out of a house in Hackney. Come into service at twelve as a scullery lad.
You know your name but you do not know who you are. Perhaps in that we are all at fault. I observe his twitchings. He would act now upon a flick of my fingers. I remark his physique more closely now. Perhaps once he fell at Crecy, under the sword of a French knight.
How did she know of me?
Your sister, Miss? She has ever talked of you. A maid cleaned your room-your boudoir, that is to say-regular.
And others? Others in the house?
I order coffee for myself but not for him. He has taken upon himself the impertinence of sitting with me without permission. A cup and saucer is nevertheless placed for him. It shall remain empty.
There is them at nights, but I never see them. I has my own room in the basement. I hear them moving about at nights, in their rooms upstairs. She takes things up herself. I hear them but I don't hear their words. When you ran off she went up crying to them and a door was slammed. She has asked me of occasion to whip her.
Do you like doing it? Indifference flecks my tones. Do not prevaricate, Sutcliffe, or she may hear the telling of it.
You can't, Miss, if I dares say so. There is never any going back. There is the going in and the going out. They are different.
I prevent myself from asking what I would ask. I would misphrase, display ineptitudes. Standing as a butler stands, he has regained of a sudden his feet as if appreciating his temerity. I bid him be reseated.
I don't mind taking the strap to her, Miss. It's the crop she wants sometimes, asks for-but I wont. Fair cruel the crop is, fit for horses only. I told her that if she likes to wear breeches It does not matter.
He has avoided my question-the question I have not put, though plain enough it moves within my eyes. Perhaps there is no answer, or the answer is the question. It comes upon me now that I am perhaps the question, though in this I see no deliverance. I would have father tell me all again, for his tellings were all couched differently and each wended a separate path whose meeting point I cannot find. The coffee is hot. I shake my head a little and put it down.
You have to suffer the scorching, Miss. His voice is fatherly.
Is that what you say when you are strapping her?
My lip curls but I feel no contempt nor displeasure. An excitement rather. I am gone beyond myself in so speaking. This Laura is one who has slipped a little from within me, is envelope to my letter, letter to my envelope. The coffee burns my throat as surely as leather to bottom. Subdued, I drink.
She told me the first time what to do, Miss. When we came upon you. If ever we did. You was to go upstairs afterwards. She said that you would go if you were told-that you always did. I would not have had the seeing of you again.
Would such have disturbed you? Have you known evil, Sutcliffe?
I have known confusions, Miss, but no evil. Miss Elizabeth now-I knew she had a lostness about her. I have been five years with her and never knew a day that she didn't have me out with her, looking for you. You or your cousin. Charlotte she called her. You have to forgive my impertinence, Miss, in taking upon your person as I did, but she instructed it, said it would calm you first then bring you on to heat and that as you thereafter desired I might have the pleasure of both your persons until you was sent up.
Which is not evil, you think?
Oh no, Miss. I was taught early that a woman has to be put to it sometimes. Not always, not too regular, for it kills their spirit too much then. I mean not every day or night, that is, for they lie abed and will do no nothing else. A woman should go quiet in her ways and receive what she is to receive without fuss or hindrance. When I was seventeen I had then a fair prodder on me and my mother saw to it that I was put to her sister, who was younger than she and had a fair piety. She struggled a bit the first time but was held and so I got the conquering of her. She had lovely smooth limbs on her and a bottom round and full. I never took her but that way and so she got her dosage once a week. If there was recalcitrance-a word she taught me later when she was mollified to it-then my mother put the strap to her first while I held ready. There was no remorse of it in the end and she would come to me when bidden, whether light or dark in the house, but never more often than I've said. It was a discipline upon us, my mother said, and not an evil for she would not have evil in the house.
If I were to return there now-to Elizabeth's house, I mean, Sutcliffe.
We cannot, Miss. She told me ever that if she were left alone in there, then the door would not open again. The day I arrived, the first day, there was a maid upon the threshold who was being dismissed. She stood upon the threshold exactly. Nor one of us could move a step until I stood with her, under the lintel, and we passed without and within at the same moment. It was a strangeness, that. Miss Elizabeth held her arms until I was secure within. The maid was crying, I remember, and said she had been whipped awful but would forgive your sister if she could stay. There was no reply upon that and she was put out while I gained the entrance.
I had learned at last the identity of Charlotte-if she had one. I in my passing perhaps have none and am mirage even to myself. There was a shipwreck once, close upon Hastings, of which my father spoke and read aloud from The Times. Though I listened to him not much on that occasion, for he was addressing my mother and my aunts, I remember a vision coming upon me of any who survived the wreck and came from it speaking perhaps in foreign tongues, syllabic sounds, their attire not as ours, and having smells upon their bodies that would have come from the sea and their native habitations. I thought then of the things they had been forced to abandon, but more importantly their small possessions, which at the last would slip and slide into the waves and there forever float, dip, dive, and sometimes on the seabed rest as if they were waiting to become themselves again.
Looking upon Sutcliffe, I-wonder if we are as those who come from the wreck or whether we are the possessions, severed and falling yet ever borne by the sea, here and there or elsewhere. I would ask him but I think he is close only to those questions with which he has lived and that he has no reaching out to others but only receiving as he received once in some dark and dusty room the pale orb of his aunt in her quiescence.
Then we must go about our ways, Sutcliffe. Have you money? I must reward you for your diligence in finding me.
Even as I speak I do not wish to speak and yet I do not want him in this moment gone.
I have a couple of bob in my pocket, Miss. Enough to bide me until I find a place.
Such as you have returned to me is worth more than that.
There is stillness and desire. I find neither here. When I was first brought unto desire, I knew the stillness, the applications of quiet, broken only by such murmurings of instructions to me as were requisite. I seek such stillness now and yet, were I to come upon it, would wish to escape it. When the trees beyond the house and in the grounds stood quiet in their unknowing and the strap would drop, then I received the long, thick piston's steady urging-on, my sheened globe rolling to the pulsing thrusts that kept my cheeks asunder for the sperm.
Elizabeth never held me before.
My voice comes sudden upon me and to him.
There were holdings before, Miss, seizings and holdings, but never of you that I heard of. She said you would come willing to it and ever had.
Do you believe in ghosts, Sutcliffe?
I have had no experience of them, Miss, but has heard of a few who have. Terrible sights and wailings in the night, they say. I wouldn't as near go into a graveyard at night, not for a sovereign I wouldn't.
Ghosts are intangible, are they not? They have no bodily substance, no solidity.
Anyone as is solid couldn't be a ghost, Miss. What brought you to think of such a thing? Besides which, they wouldn't come here and not in the daylight, neither. They comes only in old houses where they have lived and died. They come to wail their passing, or to give warnings some say. Is it that you don't like sleeping alone, Miss?
His question is hopeful but ill advised. Upon the closest of observation his eyes are smaller than I had thought. He is perhaps a loafer and an opportunist. I delve into my purse and give him a sovereign. He accepts it with a mumbling of thanks, which falls ill beside his earlier loquacity, and then is gone. Outside, as I suspected to find him, he lurks upon the footway as one who knows not which direction to take. Having no hesitation upon the matter, this way, that way, here or there or gone, I make my way to Kingsway and pause at a bookshop. There is a sense of dark within that attracts me. The stock is well arranged upon shelves grown long too old for their tasks in their slow-yielding dips and bends.
My glancings are cursory. I seek comfort merely in the silent presence of the books. Such bindings as are ribbed I touched with my fingertips. Dip and rise. Rise and glide.
You may come within, Madam, if you wish.
At the sounding of a voice, I turn. A brown door panelled with frosted glass over which a green curtain hangs stands open. A man of middle years, nor tall nor short, nor slim nor fat, removes his pince-nez to survey me. His glance is one of approbation. A twittering of sparrows comes unexpectedly from beyond, perhaps through some window open in the further room. I do not speak, nor do I return his gaze but let my own fall all about. A wooden tray holds maps, their edges curled as if they would sleep yet are hesitant to do so beneath the eyes of watchers.
Some of my customers like to read here, within. Or to write. I do not mind the writing. Do you wish to write? There is a desk in waiting.
Do all write who come here?
Some do and some do not. If the whim takes them, I have had them write sonnets and essays here, but not all can spell. That is the sadness of it. Some scribble and splotch upon the paper. I have known them dig the nibs into the paper like claws.
It is a resting place between places?
There are such. You have the tongue for such things-the apprehensions. Are you from afar? You have not the London accent.
He has stepped beyond, the floorboard creaking. In their brownness is ever a complaining. I skirt a trough of cheaper volumes such as housemaids read and enter where the green curtain stirs upon the frosted glass. The room within is long and narrow. It gives, as I thought, upon a window at the further end, where stand a small nonentity of trees, a larch, a willow, and an unknown. A wall beyond the small garden prevents their escape. They can neither come within nor steal back to their kind. Engravings for which I have no taste subdue the bright pink covering of the walls. An escritoire holds-still and small-paper, ink, and pen, upon it.
Would you read? What would you read?
He enters, closing the door upon us. To my left, facing the window, is perceived a staircase half hidden by an alcove.
There is a room beyond-a living room. A room for living.
His voice still speaks, but yet is tentative. The paper, pen and ink await me-menacing with unfulfilments.
Father said to me once, Write down everything you think, upon the quick thinking of it-the first things you think, and so I wrote. Beneath his gaze I wrote, flowers and trees and birds and horses and fences, hedges and doves, quick in their coming.
Father looked at it and said, No, that is not what you think, not what you think at all. It is not the innerness of what you think. Write deeper what you think. Write of what is beyond the paper and the ink, between the pen nib and the paper's gap, there capture what you think, Nel' mezzo del camin di nostra vita Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura Che la dirita via era smarita.
You comprehend?
Vita is life. Is it of life?
I stare at the writing as if it would speak to me. Thus have I seen others read who take as long to absorb a sentence as I a novel.
In the middle of the journey of our life, I found myself in a dark forest and the way was lost.
He has translated. The sadness of the words pours upon me as water upon rocks. It is the beginning of Dante's great poem, I am told, but the words need no identification. They come from the hollows of eternity. Perhaps we have all written them in different forms, but lacked the music and the orchestrations, the deft pavane of syllables well placed, not put upon by meanings other than their own. Listening to my silence, he reads the words now in Italian. They dance and ring upon my mind as if padded hammers were playing upon thin bars of metal such as, when placed side by side, are called a xylophone. Oscura. I would make myself thin and small, make myself unto the stalk of a leaf, and wriggle like a tadpole through the o to find the sad dark of which the poet wrote.
His eyes regard me as I stand alone. It is best that we go in now.
Very well.
The door by the staircase-the door previously hidden from my view-is opened unto me. I enter a drawing room of smallish aspect by my standards, yet neat and clean. Laying down a book too small for comfort, a woman rises, firm of body in her rising, brown of dress and brown of eyes. Her hair has a steely glint that somehow comforts. I take her age to be as his. Her skin is smooth, untrodden yet by crows.
She may have tea. There is no reason that she should not have tea. Did you find a reason, Thomas? No? It is as I suspected. Very well.
He bows as might a servant and is gone. A chair is indicated to me. I am weighed up, found to be alive, of good presence. I remove my bonnet and replace the long pin slowly. I have been by the sea, flown where the seagulls fly, spoken with mariners, and hidden in my depths. Father nibbled my bare toes once, as might a fish. There were cockles to be had in Brighton. I must return there. It is shown by the shape of the horizon. I have learned much yet am ever too much contained within myself, trapped in arteries, enclosed in flesh, my hands belonging and yet not belonging to my being.
Are you frivolous, inactive? Do you become inert?
She has come to the heart of the matter, I think, though whether in the first part of her question or the second, I do not know.
I think not, Madam. I am careful to answer her softly. The windows of her eyes are veiled. I know the razor of her thoughts-the cutting edge of her mind.
Have you been in private service?
I prefer private service. It is received and given, is it not?
The tea is brought-a kettle permanent, no doubt, upon a hob. A cousin of mine, one elderly, untried, untrodden, was given to such eccentricities in winter, whether one drank or not. In summer she would fill the kettle with flowers, even to several protruding through the spout, for she said that the kettle would become sad if it felt that it were not in use. Upon killing a fly she would say a small prayer for her salvation, believing that the fly was a messenger of the devil who had been sent in some way or other to tempt her. How dried she looked-her skin withered. Upon my confessing to my aunt what had passed on my road to perdition, she said that I might have become such had I not been put to the probing of the bubbling manstalk, which she said had enriched my skin, caused it to become creamy and silky to the touch, and soothed with ardent boldness the hemisphere of my bottom.
Upon the lowering of your drawers, Laura, you were brought to fruition. So my aunt counselled me, and upon breathe, understand, and yet perhaps have no comprehension of. Let incomprehension be your understanding.
I remained silent for I did not wish him to know how dull my mind lay in those moments. I sat silent at my writing desk while he, standing at my back, loosed my hairpins one by one with his fingers, fumbling and delving as one might for trinkets lost in grass until my hair was loose and cascaded in its brownness to my shoulders. Then, reaching across my back, he drew towards me a slender blue vase wherein that morning had been placed a single rose and bent my face until I had absorbed its scent, the silent message of its being. Then he pulled back my head so that tears started of a sudden in my eyes and, from beneath the paper I had been writing on, drew out a sheet upon which earlier he had written in French.
Les vices de l'homme contiennent la preuvede son gout de l'infinieC'est dans cette depravation du sens de l'infini que git, selon moi, la raison de tous les exces coupables.
Do you understand, Laura? father asked. The words are Baudelaire's, but the sense of them is yours-the sense within you.
I am slow in reading foreign tongues, having some understanding of French and but a smattering of Spanish. I sniffed at the words as a hound does in picking up its quarry. I followed them at a lope and trod across the riverbeds of dots.
Oui, je comprends, Papa, I said at last.
Perhaps he felt I had not and felt sorry for me and so translated slowly and aloud: Man's vices contain the proof of his inclination towards the infinite. In my view, this depravation of the sense of the infinite contains the reason for his culpable excesses. So having translated, father murmured to me that I might perhaps then write and left me.
Half an hour later when he returned to my room the paper lay blank still for my mind had turned about and about and yet I could find nothing to say. Indeed it was as if my head were inhabited by thousands of tiny beings all reaching their hands towards me and imploring me to remember their names, yet such was the clamour that I could hear none. I trembled that father would pick the paper up and turn it over in trust of finding some esoteric phrase beneath, yet he but lifted it, gazed long at it, and returned it precisely to its place.
In this emptiness, this pool of white, this sheet unmarked by hand or pen, you have expressed yourself better, Laura, than Baudelaire, for he was forced to words, the production of symbols, a conglomeration of letters wherewith to form words, the pinings of thought and the pinings of expression.
You wished me, though, to write, father. I rose and leaned to him, sought solace in his comforting.
You have written in your mind, have you not? As if upon glass, as though upon the wind. In silence all things suffice and flourish. Then, laying his mouth upon my own in a certain way that he sometimes did so that our breaths flowed together but without pressure of our lips, I remained thus for a small eternity, inhaling his being and he mine, though the two met and converged and were somewhere without, perhaps in a rustling of the curtains or the waiting of a bee's sting.
I shall write something for you. Would you prefer that? The unknown thus asks. His beard and moustache have a feminine neatness.
As is my custom often, I answer not, but step beyond within the room that is at once a room and a wide passageway. Thus finding the path to the desk left clear, he seats himself and writes in scratch-scratch fashion on the waiting sheet.
I do not look. It is better not to look. The irritant, tingling expectations of surprise are ever there. He concludes quickly, would have me bend over him to see, but I wait upright for the paper to be handed to me. It is in Italian-a language I do not comprehend: my attempting to excuse myself by saying that the leather stung, she had laughed and asked, How else would you have been brought to it? It is not always needful, my dear, now that you have been led to fulfilment. You may offer yourself freely of occasion. Look to your postures and the tightness of your garters. Straddle your legs, thrust ever boldly out. So will you come to pride and not to downfall. Receive in silence unless you are bidden to speak.
A tinkling of cups and saucers, indrawing of breaths. The husband, if such he is, has seated himself with a tentativeness given to those who know not whether to stay or leave. Upon a pianola stand several portraits rudely framed in wood. The likenesses are of none known to me. One frame lies facedown as if placed so by design, for it does not have a tottered look but has a waiting to be lifted, raised, revealed.
It irritates, as might a broken flower set in a vase of blooms immaculate. Measuring my movements, I rise and move between their chairs to raise and turn the frame about. It is larger than the rest-a silverpoint. Its lines are delicate and finely etched, producing shades of grey and gloom and light. Beside a woodland ride a girl kneels on a bed of leaves, her hands placed forward in a doglike pose, her skirts upraised and bottom pale revealed. I mark the bulbing of her breasts, the angled placing of her hands, the lack of strain within her arms, the passive waiting of her attitude.
Beside her on the hoof-marked path another, older, sits upon a stallion whose penis stems down longer than my arm. Her hair is tumbled and she wears but a chemise too short to sit upon her stocking tops, as if from bed at daybreak drawn, there led, and there ordained to wait. Bereft in turn of drawers, her bottom perches on the saddle's rim as might an apple on a plate. Set with the stallion's quarters to one's view, she gazes far along the narrowing ride. Its gloom and emptiness presage yet a coming. Her eyes hold an anxiety that I fain would soothe.
The woman rises. Her hand rests light but questing on my shoulder.
Have you been ridden? Ridden in your riding? There are pleasures and displeasures. I turn my eyes to hers. Her eyes do not hurt as some eyes hurt, yet there are no threads between us, or I catch at none. I will purchase it. I clutch it tighter as though it might be snatched from me-as might a child who steals her sister's doll.
There is no need. No need to purchase. There are ever others. Do you collect such? We have more upstairs?
The door invites my leaving. I would that she had not spoken of others.
There is wine upstairs. You may see more etchings there. Come. Come in your coming, come.
They will be wrapped. Wrapped for me?
It is not what I mean to say at all.
CHAPTER TEN
The staircase being so narrow, the walls have bumped my elbows. The paper is grey, mottled with age, snagged here and there as if the walls sought air.
I am risen-come upon a room that leads upon another and that in turn upon another, or perhaps they are mirror images of the first, for each contains a bed identical, washstand and mirror, the surprise of a dressing table upon which loll phials of perfume, pots of rouge, of kohl, of musk.
Fortune awaits you here. We are of one mind. Thomas-close the door-let her be settled. Where are the other drawings, where?
Found, they are spread upon the bed, which, large enough, accommodates us all. The girls, I see, are the same.
They are known to you. Her voice a purr, perhaps yet hopeful and yet still discreet.
No, they are not known.
They were known, but you have forgotten. They are sisters, were sisters once at least. Perhaps now they are no longer so. They were long in their training-each peak depicted. The younger was taken first, and then the elder who was brought to watch. There were difficulties, of course. You see here The first is turned. The delineation of the lines is ever fine, no cloudiness of aspect mars the scene. I catch my breath, not having seen the like. The elder hangs suspended, chains to wrists, being seated and yet not for there is no support beneath her in the stable, as I judge the place to be. Her feet, gripped by iron floorhooks, are held apart. Perhaps at some time she was able to stand but slowly sagged until the chains strained down. Before her and between her thighs a man of bullish aspect holds her nose, his truncheon penis urged between her lips. Behind her with a birch a woman stands.
How churlish!
My legs being over the side of the bed, I rise to my feet. A sense of dismay is upon them.
Is it not an entertainment? Come, you have not seen the rest.
I do not wish to. My feet would move and yet will not.
One must not be of one philosophy. There are pleasurings and displeasurings, even as you have said. Hannah was not so cruelly treated as you might surmise. No more than you have been. In her summers she ran through meadows, touched the clouds. There were laughings, gaieties, voices in the shrubbery. Iced lemonade was poured. The ladies spoke of Titian and Botticelli. See you not how later she waited for his coming?
Her nod is to my drawing, which still I hold. I perceive a little truth in the matter-have been too fretful.
Come-you were ever in part shy. It is a good thing. Thomas, pour the wine.
Yes, my dear. He ambles off the bed. I am reseated, my hand taken, soothed, caressed, the fine veins felt and traced. Glug-glug of wine, our glasses filled. It is the white kind which I prefer. Some are prettier. His voice lulls.
Downcast, my eyes fall on a second drawing turning. The sisters, standing, clutch together. Their eyes and lips are wide, but there is a merriment about them. I note the straining tendons on their necks as each receives a strap across her derriere. Booted and stockinged, they are yet naked, hands to hands, cheek to cheek, titties pressed.
Was there ever aught to fear but salvation? The woman speaks and draws me close. Her lips are velvet to my own.
Perdition.
I force the word between my lips as if ejecting a small cork that pops in turn between her own.
Ah, we are come upon the truth of it, she laughs, Was it thus?
Our mouths part stickily. Another drawing is revealed. The room is as my own, yet different, yet the same. Her drawers, my drawers, lie puddled to her boots. Each fine crease of her upraised skirt is burned into the paper even as her eyes, regarding me with wonder. Or perhaps the curtains stirred, for thus the light falls soft upon her face. She is the younger, thighs full-fleshed, calves slender, bottom orbing out. The strap has burned its last, is fallen, coiled. His penis is presented, stark and veined.
Drink your wine. You will do better to view the others later.
Yes.
Obedience observed, I work my throat, a glittering cascade upon my tongue.
Did it not intoxicate? At the first urging, burning thrusting in? Turn about. Your wine is finished. There will be more later. Little cakes perhaps. Lie upon your belly that I may raise your skirt. We are come to this now, are we not? Were you ever perceived, put upon, observed before?
I will not say, I will not say!
The bedclothes hide my face. I am positioned, feel my pulchritude unveiled, skirt slithered up, my drawers untied, chemise upfolded.
The strap, Thomas! How exciting to see her at last! Between what marbled surfaces he worked!
No!
My little cry forlorn. I am become recalcitrant, move fretfully, and held.
You fool-he has a good cock for it. As good as you had at first, I swear. Hold still! Would you have struggled thus before? Answer, girl!
I shake my head, wild in my shaking. My drawers are peeled, drawn down and made inert. My legs are spread.
What were you told, now? What told? What?
Her voice is soothing, her hand upon my hair. Her other, less incautious, on my back.
The silence. I have no other words.
Was in the words unspoken, yes. Hold still now-bulb it out!
The strap stings broad across my naked cheeks. So long, so long I have not felt its sting, the first insurgent licking tongue of fire that snakes between to tease my rose.
Theeee-ooooh!-the second strike has come. I sob, I blubber, twist my hips-am shamed to hear my cry thus sounding out, yet suffer no remonstrance save the strap which, coursing left to right and right to left, brings me to churn my bottom to its flail.
Brown voices at my ears, a tang of wine that moves around my gums.
Her feet are still-the best of signs. She has not moved them half an inch. Come, lift your bottom to him, Miss-protrude!
Aaaah-oooh!-yet now it sings but in my head. The sheen of heat is laid, my buttocks writhe. I count yet count not, bite my fingers not. Be not unseemly, Laura, in your pose. A scent of sperm is hazed upon the bed as once was hazed upon my own.
When the wrigglings ceased and we were done, when the wrigglings ceased, did it after turn to dust?
I shall not hold her, Thomas, there is no need to hold her. If I needed to hold her she would not have come.
Prepare yourself, my dear. Lie back. Hold still, girl, hold still.
Each word of his is splatted with the strap. I yield, moan, twist and buck, am lifted, slithered forward on the bed, and held in doglike pose between her thighs, her skirts drawn back. Her thighs are smooth as velvet, stockings taut, the lewdness of her crotch displayed, bereft of drawers.
Now hold her in, my petal, slit to slit..
So sounds his voice. Our furs meet, merge and rub.
Your tongue, my dear. Her voice, too, softly furred. Her legs wind round my waist and hold me tight.
Thus did my aunt kiss me once, on the penultimate eve of my departure to be wed. Bearing a candle, she entered unto the darkness of my room, thin-veiled in silk and silent as a moth. Discarding then her robe and naked to her brazen bosoms, breasts of summer's fullness, belly smooth, she lay upon me, drawing up my shift. Be quiet, Laura, be quiet. Ever were the words thus. Open your legs now, let us rub. Hot tongue to my hot tongue, her lips to mine. Faint slither-squelch of slit to slit-I came, my bottom cupped, caressed, the cheeks held wide. He will come soon, my love, come soon. Let me prepare you. Ah, how dark the night, how dark! Rub, Laura, rub come, darling, to my come. How oily you become, how slithery! Work, moan, and sob, my pet, he soon will come cock to your bottom's heat. Ah, love, once more, oh yes, you come again! Now turn about and raise your gleaming orb. Wait in your darkling darkness, wait.
Would that she had stayed perhaps, but she stayed not. Drawing down the bedclothes to their full extent, she left me thus, mare-bottom-up, awaiting then his coming, armed for me, the shaft superior, full length and thick. And soundless in the night we threshed, but now My cheeks striated with the leather burn.
Your tongue-come, be not shy-how soft your lips. The gobble of her mouth to mine. Thrice more he straps and then my peach is clasped. By now in her mouth's darkness am I lost. Whispers of darkling dreams and curtains stirring. A low grunt and his crest seeks out the rim. Her arms enfold, my shoulders are as chained, heat-throbbing from the strap my bottom yields its ring of yielding to his urging-in, the veined shaft plugging now my plentitude until his balls hang plumlike to my quim.
Now is the moment of our merging moans, wet-lapping of my tongue to hers, my orb rotating to his penis surge, the stem near slipping out then plunging in to carve with arrogance its path of lust. Bounce-slap of flesh to flesh, his balls slow smack, my riding master takes his saddle well, my tight-fleshed channel sucking on his cock.
Am I the victim? Is the victory mine?
Draw forth the sperm-clench, tighten, suck. Receive and you shall be replenished while the shaft itself falls limp.
So my aunt instructed me. I understood perhaps, but never so well as upon this moment.
Thomas empties his balls. We are at full gallop. I receive the spurts, long spurts, the splashings and the dyings. Upon his withdrawal I am open for another.
Is he done with-done with, done? She feels the febrile movements, draws me down while yet his prick the ring slips and escapes. His weakling dribbling drips upon my thighs. I, gathered up, am cuddled in her arms. Undress. Let me have you now. Do you want me to? I thought you at first to be a servant, having stolen your mistress's clothes. Part your lips again-let me slip my tongue in. You must be fucked before you leave. It is best thus. Are you in training still?
I believe not.
You may keep the drawings. You know you may keep the drawings. They were destined for you. Did you not have sisters who were ridden in the sight of you?
No. My aunt once-in the night. No.
My dress, chemise are peeled. In turn she presents herself naked to her stockings. Her curves have a waxy firmness, her belly flat. A fine tuft sprouts between her thighs.
The country girls are ever best. They may be ridden in the meadows and the secret haunts of gardens. Of occasion it is best to have watchers. You know better then your freedom. The males, then, are more easily aroused. Thomas-the wine. We have a guest to please. Stretch your legs and open them wider, my pet, while I lick your nipples. How prettily they bud, implore!
Thomas undresses like a man who has a destiny to reach. His form is trunklike-penis lolling limp. I observe with curiosity his balls. Licking delicately at my nipples, she of the unknown name follows my eyes over the rims of my tits. The air falls flat and pale upon my eyes. I do not mind the watching. We are, in a sense, gemutlich. My bush purrs to her finger's touch. The wine poured, Thomas seats himself beside us. I observe him from the nipples to the thighs. The rest is anonymity.
She is much like the girls, Thomas, is she not? When were you begun?
I am sat up. We are sat up. My burnished nipples tingle and obtrude. My hair thrown back, I feel simplicity.
Eighteen, or thereabouts.
Her laugh is brittle, yet we kiss. A late coming you had of it, Laura. It was felt that you might flourish earlier.
There is patience. Is there not patience? Do you know my name-my name-my name?
Tish and tush, such questions! Drink your wine-lie back. Shall you be late in your returning? Where do you go? It does not matter. I will answer naught for naught. Pressed back, I laugh, survey the pair. His penis thickens in anticipation. You know my name and yet not my becoming.
A boldness of response becomes you, if that is your becoming. You must learn more so to do. See how his cock now stirs with lust. Will you not invite it?
Thomas stands beside the bed. His prick indeed thickens, growing as a plant might grow, yet visible in movement. I answer not, avert my face to hers.
I am not Hannah.
You remember, Laura? Her saliva oils my face and neck and yet is not distasteful. Recumbent as we are, my quim is stroked. I glide my hand to hers and feel its warmth, the exudations of her tremulous.
I do not know. Perhaps. In the summer there were voices, in the summer. I heard the crack of whips. Mama was not perturbed. Hannah. The name is like the long breath of the dying.
Or the living, for she has not aged. When you come upon her you will know.
Our breaths quicken, our fingers flourish. There are spillings, cries. The bed sags, receiving Thomas at my back. I, sandwiched in between, draw in their warmth. His cock upstanding to my bulb is pressed. His palms caress my tits, my mouth to hers.
She offers not, yields not, yet yields. It is good. Sarah was such-being taken before Hannah, 'neath her gaze, yet held her pride. At the arching of her back and the seizing of her hair His voice breaks. My neck is twisted. He in turn assails my mouth, roughing her hand away to stroke my pad, the lips soft, petulant beneath.
Let it be so. You spoil everything, Thomas. We were but reminiscing-were at the beginnings of our avenues. There were larches, Laura. The girls rode beneath them, high in the saddles sitting, their backs straight.
I hear little, for he is upon me, rod stubbing to my belly, shoulders pressed down, down into the pillow, thighs between my own. She moves, moves from us as a wraith as we wrestle, takes up a stool to brush her hair. I buck. His weight bears down too hard. His penis probe is at my lips, lovelips, the dell amid my curls.
Hannah was thus. He forced her and spoiled her. He has not the delicacy of it.
Her laugh becomes a cackle as I fight, though sleek his charger moves in to the game until his balls are nestled to my orb. No!
I will hold her legs. Her mood is changed. Swift to the bed she comes and mounts my face. Her naked bottom to my visage pressed. I, splutter-smother, have my knees drawn back. Be quick about it, Thomas-thread her fast!
Her pubic hairs assail my mouth. I would not have her thus, twist tendon-straining neck and writhe, her laughter broken rain upon my ears.
Are we not tempestuous? She was rarely taken thus save by her husband, Thomas-shaft her well. Draw out the stem, plunge in, and in again. He will take her thus upon her return. There will be no help for it. Ah, she has such strength in her legs! Would that they might clasp your waist or mine. How well she was tutored that she still resists a fucking thus. Are you coming-coming soon?
Soon, my love. She is as a sponge in the warm depths of the ocean, yet has the tightness of a clam. Draw her knees back higher that you may see my pestle at her mortar. Her cunt is sweet yet as a baby's mouth.
Her own, sploshed down upon my mouth, I yield. He has a good poker on him yet I would fain have my own warrior's there. My aunt will close my eyes, subdue my squeals. Let him come, Laura, let him come. Work your bottom gently to his thrusts. So would I have her say, speak, whisper, mouth to mine, perspiring softly in some distant night. Not now, not now, the time is not yet come. The salt of her hot cunt breathes on my face, my nose rubbed to her tingling clitoris.
Then it is done, is done, is done-is not the same. He pumping grunts and groans, his sperm expels. I, flooded, sticky, ridden, left inert. The pair rise. I am dispensed with, done. The couples on the seashore laugh.
You may come down when you wish-when you wish, come down.
They dress-refurbish bodies in their garments drab.
Do you not think he has a good cock, Laura, has he not?
Neutral as far winter snow I rise-upon their going, dress with care. The pulsing between my thighs is intimate, not unpleasant. Perhaps I enjoy the aftermath of such better than the act thereof. I do not turn my mind to such things. I am as the paper upon which I never wrote. Words scurried to the edge, waited on the rim, observed the blankness with unending care. The last of the summer salads will be eaten now. Mother will fret with softened lettuce leaves and smile her vagueness to the world.
There are clouds now-a gathering of hosts. Did you wish clouds?
So the woman speaks upon my exit, my descent. The drawings, ready wrapped, come to my hands. Thomas is absent, skulking in his dreams.
I do not mind. Should there be minding? Do not mind at all.
I am beyond, upon the threshold, gone. If she could remember my name, if she could remember, she would call perhaps.
I shall read Keats and Shelley and lie passive in my bed.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The lounge of the hotel is pleasant in the light. The walls of pink and gold damask reflect the muted glow of lamps that gleam through patterned glass of matching colours. A Turkish cigarette fumes from between my fingers. This, too, is a pleasantry I have of late adopted. It fills my mouth perhaps with Eastern promise and complements my Turkish eyes. If such I have. Most certainly they are large, inherited not from Mama but from my paternal grandmother's side. She was a rare beauty who would clothe herself sometimes, so my father said, in a sari, the better to please the gentlemen who came to admire her. I shall wear such perhaps, in my futureness, my semblance of becoming.
The folds of a sari are long, I am told. My grandmother would stand naked save for a bewitchingly small guepiere, or waist corset, while her maid performed a wide circle around her on and on, swathing her form neither tightly nor loosely, but to such perfection that the gauzy material of lilac-pink or pale, kingfisher blue-would seem to have been poured and moulded to her mistress. My grandmother's hips, being of a certain lushness in her young and middle years, accommodated the material superbly, so much so that she was persuaded to discard the corset and move naked within her light cocoon.
Once, at a ball-and she being apprised in confidence of what was to occur-a gentlemen while dancing with her so loosed the secret enclosures of her sari that, moving from her of a sudden, he was enabled to draw out the silk-threaded cotton and spin my grandmother all about like a top so that she bumped here and there, there and here, within a surrounding circle of admirers, ever spinning faster until she was denuded utterly and fell upon a rug where she lay prey to hands and mouths until her legs were spread and wanton she submitted to the cocks. Eight it was said she took, each one delighting her the more with pulsing and with throbbing until she was so thoroughly creamed that it was as if she had been lathered with a shaving brush.
Her bottom, it was said, was one of ultimate perfection, for she had the violin curves of slender waist and broadening hips, which gave to her nether cheeks a bulge of promise. Being of sultry nature, she adored to have her naked bottom whipped, to which purpose many fine silken cords were bound together and a rosewood handle attached thereto. After some thirty strokes of this admonitory sweetness she was fair to be mounted even as I was taught to be, receiving the pistons-yearling or mature- to pump and froth within her warm divide.
Her outward behaviour hinted not at licentiousness, but were she to be come upon naked or nearly so in her boudoir, she would surrender to the first tongue that insinuated itself between her lips and to the first fingertip that titillated her rosette. Of occasion she might rebel out of mischievousness in order to be spanked, firm and fleshy as she was to the palm, before being put over.
I had never struggled yet, unless my frettings of this selfsame day are to be counted as such. Perhaps it would add a piquancy to the matter. Being of obedience, I had never dared, had yielded my hips, my chasm, my crevice. Yet on the night of which I have spoken my aunt frotted me deliciously and prepared me for the cock without the strap. Such had been my first occasion thus.
The next day, at my fete-since I was to be wed on the morrow-she told me that I had conducted myself well, had offered up, and must be prepared to do so without the admonition of the strap. Thrice indeed that day was I put up to him. Upon the second bout I panted and allowed my bottom to urge back and forth, sucking the sperm of him while yet he groaned. Upon my being done with and my drawers replaced and finding myself alone again, she entered my room, observed my tousled bed and passed her tongue into my mouth. How deeply he goes up you, she had murmured. Her eyes were the colour of an autumn sky. There was peppermint upon her breath. Mama knocked at my door but was not answered. She was not of that moment but of other moments when simplicity was more apparent. Mama perhaps did not offer herself so. Such was my intuition. The purity of love between us was not the less thereby, though enfolded, creased, disguised, and crenelated by the mundane, as though in tissue wrapped.
Do you not prefer a holder for your cigarette?
A voice assails me. The newcomer, modishly attired in blue relieved by murmurings of white, seats herself at my table. She has lived, as I judge, a decade more than myself. Her hair, bunched high, extols the virtues of an oval face, lips full, nose aquiline, wide eyes. Her voice is mediocre, not displeasing. I am not disturbed-indeed, return her smile.
Sometimes I use one, sometimes I do not. Have you been dancing?
You note the turbulence? She laughs, her breasts rise, fall, are heavy, somnolent. There are ever parades, fantasies, illusions, when the music sounds. Have you experienced such? I danced with a girl. Her form was clinging. She had been caressed, I believe, was unappeased, sought more. Her belly blended beautifully to mine. Do I bore you? Do you like such chatter? Have I not seen you on the Downs at Ascot? The jockeys dressed like butterflies- how pretty they look.
Her excitation is obvious. No doubt it is my eyes. She has swum in the lakes of night and felt the water's lapping at her thighs.
I would dance with you. Exclaiming as she does, my silence evidently provokes.
Very well, but let me finish my cigarette. Are you from here? Do you inhabit the hotel?
I shall not tell you. You must discover. Come.
To feel my belly against yours?
If you wish. What purpose is there otherwise? Do you wear your garters high, as I? They will rub to mine. Women are more sensuous than men. What are your theories about the matter?
My hand is taken, warm, enclosed. In my rising. The lilting of the orchestra attracts. Through curtained fringes we obtain the floor. The languid dancers stare and then perform. We, merging, bring our flesh to feel the flesh. She is no more over-dressed than I. A blindness takes me. We kiss in our circlings. There are intervals of watchful eyes that pass between my own and yet are strangers to me.
It does not matter if they look. Let them look. Have you been mounted, spermed, and satisfied today?
How frank you are! I cannot help but laugh. Her tits wobble gelatinously and bulge against my own.
Have you? Who were you given to first? You are scarce twenty. Laura? Is it Laura? There was once amid the stirrings of the elms, bold beatings of the bushes, a vision of you. As I recall, as I recall, as I recall.
Yes. I know not here or now, nor there nor here. It matters not to me to be uptaken. Columns of silk, our thighs rub sensuous. Were you of the county? I do not recall you.
I have never asked before. To ask is to impinge, to break the spell.
You do not ask. You know you do not ask. To ask is to impinge, to break the spell. Come with me. You will come, come with me, come?
If you wish. Do you wear drawers? It is my turn for laughter. The dancers, still, bemused, are left behind.
One should always wear drawers, my pet, unless one is about to be wed. Your baggage will be sent for. There is no returning. You do not wish to return? This is a place of lost souls. The corridors are dark by night; I would not have you stay. Come.
We are gone-among the lost, the found. Her carriage horses paw the sad and dirty road and we are gone. Her arm enfolds my shoulders, draws me close. Tongue leaping wet to tongue, my corsage loosed.
Let me see them. Were they fondled often? Cupped in his palms while he put you to his pestle.
Yes. I drool with love, confused by love surrender. My skirts are raised, the carriage bumps, my thighs assailed.
What a softness and yet firmness of contours! How your bottom must have wriggled to him, legs kept straight and linen ever clean. What pantings in the night-what dreams of lust. Loosen your drawers-let me feel your rosette. How tightly it puckers and yet will open like a baby's mouth, absorbing the full the stem.
How do you know? I would ask yet not ask, in my feverings. The soft rotation of her finger round my rim.
Was it not so? Brown your dress and brown your drawers. Did you not rut in secret with him? Come, bring your nipples to my lips that I may lick them. What fine points they have! What aureoles of bliss. I will put a cock up you tonight myself.
How wicked you are!
I cannot help myself, have fumbled, found. Her bush sprouts springily beneath her drawers. Some passage of time, some passage of time, passing, is gone, is gone in our embrace. Leaves stir beyond the windows, brush the carriage sides. We are gone beyond the town, I know not where.
Mind the branches, dip your head, be careful. Have you been chased by trees, as I? There, my love, where the lights glow-across the sward. I call it my Petite Trianon, as Marie Antoinette did. Her adventures were numerous, though little detailed. How she was licked and loved! I will show you a trick or two of hers. You are not modest, I trust?
Was I in the carriage?
The carriage goes, a trundle-roll of wheels, is gone. Bells jingle faintly. A dimness of cows, here now, there now, and darkly through the pasture lowing.
You were never modest within enclosures, Laura, though fain would have been had not the leather bit into your bottom. We are at Richmond now-home of sobrieties, licentious secrets. My neighbour is an ass-that is to say he has a donkey's prick. His wife and daughters bray upon receiving it. I have listened at windows, heard the calls of night. Perhaps in mirrors have I seen you, turned about, upended, put to it, my fingers scratching at the glass, yet never would you turn about to look, embrace my eyes, draw me within your realm.
Such is improper to do, I laugh.
She has the merit of attractiveness, of guile. Her fingers weave a spell about my orb. The Trianon comes closer-laughter sounds. Tall windows hang their gaieties of light. There are statues here, in the dimness. Perhaps I shall see Perdita again, the tears of rain upon her bottom round.
What do you think of? In this instant?
Upon the curving steps we halt.
In this instant and in all others one can see within a mirror and yet not without. Those within are ever cased in glass. Is that not a sadness? I reply.
You may be quiet tonight or speak as you wish. There are no rules to the matter. Those who come silently to us are ever the receivers, abundant gatherers of sperm. Within the mirror or without, it does not matter. Shall you be unclothed? Were you unclothed before?
I thought you saw! I laugh at her dismay. Once I was married and my husband lay upon my belly, nightdress to my armpits. He alone assailed my cunny then.
My love, were you not mounted thighs to thighs before?
My bush was never sprinkled, no. I had full knowing of virginity until the marriage bed. It was proper so to be. Do you not think it was proper so to be?.
A curiosity has seized me on the matter. Had my aunt told me to lie with legs akimbo on my back, my bush full ready for the ripened fruit that daily cleaved my cheeks, I would have done so, done so, done so, waiting there.
What a sprinkling he would have given you-more a flood! Come, there are girls here to be annointed. There are rehearsals for some-not all. Will you titillate, spur with your tongue? I will hold the first, to your pleasure. She is the youngest of the tribe, has yet to take the cock. What a coming he will have of it! Her nooky is delicious, her breasts as pomegranates. Such hard nipples they have at that age. Show me your willingness and doff your drawers as even now shall I.
The deed is done-our bellies palely gleam. A lambent moon glints diamonds on my bush. Our hands extend to cup each other's mound.
Does she know-the young one?
Did you know? Upon your taking, Laura, did you know?
His cock was at my bottom ere I knew.
So shall it be with her, except her cunny's offered to his prick. Did you then suck him ever, feel his balls?
In such excitement I am blind to her as well she knows. My eyeballs roll and show their whites. Were her hand not at my bottom I would fall.
I will not say, I will not say, I will not say.
I knew the ardent crest once at my mouth, sperm flooding to my lips, the heavy hang of hairy testicles, frail in my nightgown, head dipped to his will.
We do not always remember. Her voice is soft. It is the way of those who travel, parting the curtains of the morn to come with suddenness upon the night.
I remember. I recall his sobbing as I sucked. My lips moved light and easy on his stem, cupping the manhood of his heavy hang. A finger teased my bottom as I stooped-he standing legs astride, I bent to him. Suck deeper, Laura, suck annoint your lips, the blossoms of the sperm upon your tongue.
If there had been another I would remember.
Another, yes-a third, you mean, an index? A-watcher at the feast? Eyes pointing as a finger points? The eye informs the brain, the brain the mind. The mind imparts its message to the tongue, which speaks and blabbers on, forgetful of the paths it scours, the trees torn by the winds of fury.
Were you then betrayed? If I have heard you right, you were betrayed?
Our breaths puff, pant. We are both on the point of coming.
One who is betrayed knows not her circumstances, for all should be inveigled to the scene, aunts, mothers, nieces, nephews, kin. Even so there are servants. I have had maids whipped for talking, then put them to the pestle of my sin. I have made my gifts, bestowed my knowingness, have known dawn's early frothing of the cock, the laboured workings hot between the sheets. We are as one another, perhaps-perhaps yet not. I shall put a prick to you. You will not resist?
I think not. How you sprinkle on my fingers-I on yours! Press your belly to me. How delicious! What shall we be at? Are there many within? Are there no encumbrances?
None, my love, but many are the modulations. There are set pieces. It would be unseemly otherwise. I will not have the rabble-touch. The men may toy with you-the women, too-but none may expend their sperm until the principals their own have spilled.
There are set pieces. I echo her words. It is arranged?
Were your own not set pieces? There were no rumplings in the summerhouse, upon the lawn, amid the shrubs, a gaiety of cunt to cock amid the empty bottles, the discarded plates?
He did not do it to me that way.
I would cry now for the lack of it.
You are no poorer for it, Laura. You have learned proudness, obedience, have spilled yet to his thrusts between your cheeks. Your eyes have glazed with lust.
You worked your bottom to him, did you not? The curtains stared. You knew the dust of night, your aunts upon the stairs, their candles lit.
I held him always 'til he came, then on and on until his prick had shrunk. Not a drop escaped me-I was praised for my absorption. Upon descending I would look demure. Mama would compliment me for my colour, my rectitude, the cleanness of my linen. My stockings were ever tight-my bottom a pure gloss of white as made the moon seem yellowing with age. Oh, do not make me speak more, on and on!
There is no need. What need is there for that? You will tell me soon enough when a prick is 'twixt your cheeks and my tongue is lapping at your quim. You must permit yourself to be made a spectacle of, on occasion.
I do not know. I bite my lip, retreat. Our drawers drawn up. We are respectable.
No matter of your knowing. All things shall be as they shall be. Come within, come within, come within.
CHAPTER TWELVE
An anonymity of faces greets us-put on perhaps to meet my face. Their eyes silk smooth, untarnished by their sins, all here perform their attitudes of ease. The numbers are precise: nine males and seven females. I and my companion (I have named her Constance) make the balance.
I am not the youngest. I count one of no more than sixteen years, her gown low cut, betraying aureoles of brown upon her swelling melons. There are none grizzled here. Age, in a way, is an obscenity, awaiting shawls, warm milk, and dusty dreams. Some here have reached maturity, long in their memories of mouths and thighs, old bedrooms long deserted, flowers that died.
They have no proper names, nor I, so Constance says. I may call myself what I wish. One does not fret about such things.
Nor is there Time here, Laura. Those who sin tonight will on the morrow dream they knew a vacuum. Dried sperm on stocking tops alone will tell the tale. Shall it not?
Her last sentence is addressed to a girl yet to attain majority. Her eyes are shy as rabbits in the grass. I seek her hand and stroke her fledgling wrist. Her slimness is a lily's but she bulbs out well. She leans to us, would whisper, is repelled, quick made to speak aloud.
In the carriage, I Speak, yes-speak, yes-what? In the carriage what?
I kept him stiff. Her hand goes to her mouth. Mama exhorted me to do so. I used my glove.
Over his prick and rubbed it up and down? A merry game! Such exercise becomes your youth, my dear. Keep your eyes ever open, even when on your back. Stare at your conquerors. I shall leather you first. The guests enjoy the spectacle. Be mindful that you are the receiver, not the stricken. Wiggle your bottom well and keep your legs straight.
You are ever at your advice!
A lady approaches upon Constance's words. Appraising her, she embraces the young lady, arm about her waist. They have a likeness between them.
My mouth, my love, is ever yours. The words but duplicate. Both are to be put up, are they not-this one, and that?
Constance is nodding to the even younger girl. Her melons, waist, and bottom are devoured by many eyes. I would wander by a sea-wall, hold her hand, and listen to the evening cries of gulls. I would take her now in closeness, secrecy, behind drawn curtains, silent walls, my pubis burring stickily to hers, thighs glistening with the dew of love.
Must we stay, Mama? There is no music here. The gentlemen touch my bottom, the ladies would kiss me. The younger has run forward.
There should be music. Shall there be music? A singing of birds-a lark and a dove.
You are here to be caressed, palpitated, made pleasant, my love. Have I not endeavoured to teach you both the priorities of pleasure?
So both are drawn to her, embraced, would wriggle nervously like children drawn from play who to the swing, the hoop, the top would run.
They are perhaps too young. The words are mine. Asides are made. I draw apart with Constance.
They are to be feted, my sweet-not penetrated at first but dallied with. As they will, they may receive the cocks later perhaps. All shall flourish in their willingness. I thought to experiment thus. Are you not minded to enjoy?
If they not be taken by force. I will not have them taken by force.
What a sentimentalist you are, Laura! Let them be put then only to fingers, tongues. We shall see their mettle then, the moods and passages of their arousals. Carrie is the younger, or I call her so. Her sire will pump his pestle in her yet. Hot-bottomed, she will jiggle to his thrusts, puff-panting in dark tunnels of delight.
If she is so aroused, but not otherwise.
How you ordain! I like you so! Your eyes attain the proudness I desire.
Let her be made petulant, then-the youngest. The older soon will follow suit. Is this to be the spectacle? Then I will tongue her first if such it is. She may be held for a woman but not a man. So would I have it. Are you of agreement with me?
Why else are you here, my love? Her smile is merry. Let us arrange the affair. Mildred-come!
The mother approaches again-a fair beauty with no look of wantonness about her. I would learn the manners of such tribes, the effortlessness of their encounters. They have not the rude eyes of some who have looked at me. Their thoughts do not claw upon one's skin. She is perhaps as my grandmother once was, pearls on her bosom looping at her nipples, waist indrawn, her bottom arrogant.
Let it be so. One should incline to tenderness, romance. You are mindful of such duties? She addresses me.
Laura was tamed by guile, persuasion, logic. Dark curtains facing to the night, the far call of an owl. She knows her placings and her plentitudes. Her bottom, offered out in love, has known the shaft's deep penetration-yes?
I nod, am not displeased by sin nor convenants of lust upon this seeking.
Lay Carrie then upon the couch. Prepare the audience. Have all be quiet. Let there be no seekings of fingers upon me, for I shall spurn all. Constance will assist. My tone is firm.
Come, sweet. The lady is to amuse you. Is she not pretty?
Oh, Mama!
Carrie would fain struggle, but is borne to an ottoman. The others take their seats; all is prepared. Wrists held, the young one looks around in wild surmise. No giggles break the silence as I move, a wraith among them and then kneel to her.
Draw her skirt up first. Let Constance attend her mouth.
Mama! No!
What a silliness! Are you not soft as a dove, plump as a pigeon's breast? So I coo and hold her legs apart. Mama, replaced by Constance, takes to wine. There is a passing of canapes. A gentle air attends. At the piano someone plays a minuet. Some gurgles and sweet Carrie is undone, her drawers brought down, her melons brought to view. A man rises. From the corner of my eye I see his cock revealed. Impatience takes its due. The others so prepare and seat themselves to have Priapus nursed by willing hands.
Carrie kicks. Her squeals resound. In parting her thighs I have uncovered her nestling quim while Constance at her nipples pecks. My arm intrudes to hold her legs apart. I lick, lick in my licking lick and find her spot, sweet taste of acridity and youth. Blub, blub! she chokes as inward my tongue flicks, her bottom blatant on my cupping palms.
Wooo! Wooooo! Her choking cries now change. Her bottom twists, I seek the chubby cleft and ease my thumb against her orifice, her rubbery, her ring. Nose nuzzled at her nest, my tongue flicks fast, her knees now hinged upon my shoulders' thrust. Her oiliness exudes. I sense her lips to those of Constance now and raise my head. The two are sweetly paired. My lips, sheened with the spendings that I drew, invite the tasting of my tongue. Her legs lie limp and from my shoulders glide. Her bottom bumps, exhorts my tongue again. I plunge anew and bring her to a peak. All is well done, so quickly done, that I would be as she, dazed by the tremulous as once I was. Let it be seen. I, who was never seen but listened only to the needles' minuet, the chairback creaking, and the waiting of my aunts, would have it so.
I know not why. Was there once a mirror at my bed and so arranged to see the pestle put, the parting of my seared cheeks to his knob?
I rise, for Constance has her at her will. Sweet prey to her, Carrie absorbs her tongue, her jellied bubbles wobbling to her palms. I turn. The ladies are divested of their clothes. All pellmell thrown, their drawers, chemises, gowns are mingled, cocks upstand. Mama in her voluptuousness is embraced between two males, one young and one mature. She rubs between them as betwixt two masts. Assailed by hands, the young girl in chemise would run to me. I let her come.
I do not want to, do not want to, no!
Very well, you shall not. Have no fear of the occasion, my sweet. Helen-shall I call you that? Turn your back to me. Place your bottom upon my palms. Bend your knees a little, so. There-you may watch.
I do not- Yes! Or I shall bring the first male to you whose cock is more arrogant than most. He eyes you now. Let him but see. Raise the front of your chemise a little-display your bush!
II thought you to save me! Oh, save me!
Shush! You are well stanced now. My eyes fend him off. Is it not the selfsame cock you played with in the carriage?
Yes.
Did he come in your glove?
MMMama would not let him. Oh! He is coming closer! Oh, your finger!
Work a little upon it. Keep your legs apart, it will do you no harm. Hold your back to me. Regard his penis, how it quivers, strains, is taut. Remark the veins, the bulbing of the knob. Did you not enjoy caressing it?
I do not know! Ooooh! Oh, do not make me stand so! He approaches! Oh!
Part your legs more. I am implacable, ringmistress to the pair. Has he not caressed you-bubbies, thighs-his hand within your drawers upon occasion?
Yeth. She lisps in her excitement, bottom-squirms, rosette upon my thumb, forefinger at her quim. Do I betray? His balls hang heavy for the joust. His stem is thick and sturdy, richly stiff. Her eyes roll and her head hangs back to rest upon my shoulder. Gritting teeth, she mews as both my fingers urge now in and hold her thus, knees quivering and bent, lewd in her stance.
Shall you have him? Say you will have him. It is for the best. He will come upon you in the night else, will he not?
Yeth. Oh, Mama is naughty-look!
So be encouraged, my sweet. She nightly takes the selfsame prick that waits your moans, plays furrow to his plough and draws him in. His spendings cream her quim night on, night on, while quiet you lie abed and listen to the singing of the walls. Extend your palm. Let his balls be cupped upon it. Come-he will strap you otherwise and put you to it.
Oh-woh! Her voice quavers, dies. My free hand takes her hair, her face upheld, fresh oval to his visage hungry, stern.
Put her upon the floor. If she will go upon the floor, put her upon the floor.
His voice commands, rings out, then hesitates. Carrie and Constance are at a soixante-neuf. Cocks pump and bottoms heave around we three.
Shall you go down? Go down, go down. Helen, be not perverse. You are come to this. Upon the floor receive his foaming shaft. Hold your legs wide open, ever straight. Be proud, my love, be proud, go down, go down.
Do I betray myself in my beseechings, urgings ever pushing on? She has acceded perhaps before. I would not doubt the matter. Her pad, well furred with curls, slips, slithers on my hand. My fingers draw without. Persuaded to her knees she gives a wailing cry and slumps, her arms, legs, awkwardly awry.
Hold her shoulders, for she may yet struggle. So croaking he sinks down between her legs, his ceiling-pointing piston fisted now. She may not be held. She knows better than to wish to be.
Puff, pant, and groan. Ooooh-ah! Her cry and then he is within. I have seen pictures on a drum the which revolved and through a slit gave semblance of reality. So is it here, though close I bend and watch her tummy ripple, slim legs strain. Her eyes at first hold anguish, then surprise. Full muffled under him, she stirs, twists neck, licks lips, and curves her supple back, her peach full split around his throbbing rod.
Cup her bottom on your palms, enter full and hold. I move about them. Bend your knees a trifle, Helen- work your bottom.
Such exhortations, trite, are even so exciting. For the moment, for the moment, for the moment. Her cries grit out, her torso writhes, eyelashes flutter on her cheeks. Unmoving, heavy on her, so he lies. Her knees bend not enough-I nudge her feet. With somnolence she draws them back, his balls like ripe plums at her cleft.
Absorb her tongue, suck upon it, work her a little but not overmuch until she knows the length and girth of it.
A mischief takes me, I kick off my shoe, caress his buttocks with my stockinged toes and delve beneath to his receptacles. His mouth now smothers hers, she whimpers, jerks. In but a moment they will be in full and lusting flight of it. I would have my aunt, paternal aunt, be taken thus, full-hipped, full-bottomed as she is, my toes between their mouths, there both to lick. I would be conqueror thus, the unconquered risen. I would show my garters. The view perhaps would be alluring.
Ma-ma, Ma-ma, Ma-ma! Her voice quick jerks as might a marionette's in speaking. Full at her now, he draws his pestle forth and enters it anew within the spongy cleft, she apple-round upon his palms, tits jogging to his thrusts, her eyes berserk.
She is falling now, falling, falling as the leaf falls to meet the warmth earth, the welcoming grass. She stutters, PPP, and squirms her hips. The moment is divine, absurd, or lewd, though not within their minds where devils dwell. All about me are possessed. Carrie lies glazed of eyes. A gentleman is upon her. Constance kneels like one forlorn, her head to Carrie's shoulder, corked by another twixt her bulging cheeks.
I have no place here, am not of the multitude. Let me be more delicate in my ways, obtain again the silence that I knew. They are not virginal here-know not the attitudes. Tonight in my diary I shall write the lives of all, Helen and Carrie to their lusts down-drawn, their knickers ever soiled by pools of sperm. In their uncleanness shall they flourish, petted and patted by Mama, bright on Sundays in their white attire, to chapel led, the hymn books rustling.
When they kneel, when they kneel, for what do they pray? Let me be seen not in their congregations, knees bent, upon the hassocks spread. I would pray for solitude and stars, comforts of night and hallowings of quiet, the pestle to my mortar put and soundless desire.
They will marry, of course. Am I fretful at this? Their training was inexact, comportment lewd. Even so, I- hypocrite-pleasured myself in my holding of Helen. Some girls perhaps should be put to it thus-young servants no doubt, or field-girls with pretty faces. I have seen such on my father's estate, yet gave no thought to it, he roaming there with stick and gun, rushing of hares and twittering of leaves.
In the grass, in the grass-how pleasant it might have been in the grass, the dew upon my bottom kissing, filterings of sunlight, a fastness of swallows. Would he have breathed to me as I to Helen? I must do down into my thoughts, emerge, comfort myself. Bacon and devilled kidneys for breakfast. Afterwards, afterwards. My aunts like angels quiet would come and go. Mama would speak of butter, milk and churns. How cold a churn were I put over one, yet soon my bottom warm to urgent thrusts, the milk rush-rolling in the silvered cone.
I am come upon the hall, the doorway. No one bars my exit. The carriage waits still.
You were a long time coming of it, M iss. I was not told to leave nor go nor wander forth.
It is best that you did not. There are herds in the darkness, their bodies heavy.
They should be milked and taken in, Miss.
Have you been so? It matters not. I shall return to my hotel. You remember the place, the far place, where the lights glow?
I couldn't be forgetting of it. All the gentry comes and goes there. There is ever a coming and going there. You are of the country, Miss. I smells it on your skin.
Soft, is it not? They are lewd people within and would have remarked upon it had I let them, felt me as one feels tapestries or cloth.
There's a lot of it goes on, Miss, as for them what can afford it. I heard tell from a gent that was in my conveyance of a party he went to where all the guests took their clothes off and romped about terrible.
I disapprove of such. Do you not disapprove of such? Let us go then, let us go. There is badness about, the sins of the multitudes.
Rushings of summer night and whirling of heavens. I shall retire, take a cottage upon my father's estate. My aunts will visit me there-a twirling of parasols. We shall have readings, converse upon philosophies, dip strawberries in cream and lick our lips unseen. A horse will stand without in waiting upon my journeys.
I shall take the woodland rides and wait his coming, penis still upon the saddle's rim. Delicately we will tread together into a copse, the twigs snapping, upwhirring of wings and clouds of starlings sailing. May I speak? I would tell you at last how long and thick your penis is, how tightly I enclose it. Let our mouths meet. Speak to me of Rabelais, of pages yellowed by the sun, the bindings stiff upon their hinges. Caress my thighs, my quim through cotton drawers. Do my stockings not band tightly? It was said once there were elves, here. Let me lie back, prepare, display myself. The loam is soft. How soft the loam is Be quiet Laura, be quiet.
Be quiet.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Is there a second ballroom here, a place for dancing?
I address the counter clerk on my return. A happiness is upon me, and air of gaiety, as though the night were young. He has a sombre look, a crouching, hunted by beagles.
There was one above, Miss. It is closed now these past two years. Guests who could not sleep complained of the noise. There were abandonments. Are you not on the same floor where it used to be?
I could not find the door.
It is there, Miss. The lock is rusty. You may try it. Will you have someone attend on you? It is not a pleasant place. I would not to that place. There are mirrors and hauntings. Too many, it is said.
Of mirrors and hauntings, yes, there are ever so- some pleasant, some unpleasant. I will go. Have wine and sandwiches sent up to my room.
I pass along the upper corridor the selfsame fellow who took Charlotte there. His glance is open and abrasive to my eyes. He would have me on the instant if I let him.
Is the door open? The door along? The door to the ballroom? Open? Is it open?
It were never closed, Miss. There were revellings once. The floor is thick with dust I hear, the mirrors glazed with memories. I was taught poetry about it once but have forgotten it.
He stands, would weigh me up and down. A nascent paunch bells out his trouser tops. I would speak of the wallpaper that covered the door, but do not. There is a trick about it, perhaps, some incidence of light or shade. I have long fingernails. I shall tear it. I have no forebearance in such things. Mama would think it impolite. My father taught me ever so to be.
That all action should be direct action is beyond denial, Laura. When there are no words to be used, put aside the words that would be used. Mistake not the things for the word nor the word for the thing. Should a young child, young in its unknowing, perceive a rose then it places not a net of words about it, for indeed it may not know the word rose and hence, being innocent of such, sees the flower in greater purity than we. Remember this ever, for if you have no understanding of it now, then understanding will come later.
I must not then have regard for things, Papa? I asked.
It is incumbent upon us, Laura, to have regard for all, yet whether paper, for instance, is printed upon, used for wrapping, adorned with great art and skill by a scribe, or crumpled up and burned, it has no caring for the matter, since in its paperness it remains and then returns to the infinite. Be caring and kind, do not damage unless there be cause for such. When there is cause, let it be done and have no hesitation on the matter.
I asked my paternal aunt, who ever then grew closer to me, whether she herself had understanding of this.
You listen wisely, listen well, Laura. Not to have hesitation when the spirit moves forever engenders activity in us, a sparkling of life, performances of good. When our dear mama took to the sari, she took also to the ways of the Hindu texts and read such translations as she could find. She engendered in us then a reverence for all, declaring that manifestations of the body were also those of the spirit. Though I would not declare such interpretations to be exact, yet I took a fondness for them. Upon the coming of mid-spring we would disrobe ourselves and meditate. I was then put to exercises, even as you. Immediately afterwards she would have me meditate again, saying that otherwise I would become inert and somnolent.
Am I inert? I wish not to be inert.
One who is inert, my pet, would by paradox endeavour to escape the strap, the piston's urging thrust. In your receiving of both, in your receiving, your energy is coiled and strong, is latent, ever-present, not inert. You are the servant of your realm and yet its mistress. When the cock is well planted, do you not enjoy, receive, draw out the strength?
Why must I ever be strapped? I laid my head upon her lap. A scent of musk, of lavender, burring of stocking tops beneath her skirt.
Would you bend to it without-raise your skirts, lower your drawers.
I do not know. I hid my face. She was of this knowing yet should not be of this knowing.
The words are clouds, my love, the act a mountain. The clouds must not obscure the peak. The words are apparitions, but the deed is all.
That same day I plucked a rose and placed it lovingly in water in a vase and gazed upon it long. Many were the words that crowded into my mind about it. I thought, as father said one would, of love, romance, of garden parties and flounced skirts, of bright bouquets and promises of sun. The rose yet stood in its unknowing of such things, yet much as I tried to divest myself of the entrapments of words the less I succeeded.
Father then entered my room and found me unclothed to my chemise and stockings, couched upon one elbow on my bed and said, You must not lounge so in your contemplations, for you will be conscious of your lounging and your attitude. Sit upright with your legs crossed under you, your back straight and the back of your right hand resting before you on the palm of your left. Let your mind- Alas, my mother interrupting at that moment by her footfalls on the stairs, my father withdrew and closed the door on my unshielded bottom. I would fain have had him return and explain more to me, but he did not, nor was I bold enough to place questions to him on the matter for I feared some mental exercises that I might not then attain. So withered the leaves of my longing. Mama was not of his mind nor caring and so could not have answered my questions. Whether my paternal aunt could so have done I do not know. Backward in my probings, yet also kind in my intentions, I wished perhaps not to embarrass her by asking that which she might not know. I was close then upon marriage and other matters were to the fore. More frequently than ever she would caress me all about my bottom-cheeks and sigh. Kissing me, her tongue would protrude, gliding around my own, and she would tickle my rosette and make me wriggle.
You must return, Laura, return. We shall wear saris as of old and make our devotions.
I had not known until then that she had worn such a garment, but my grandmother-as she explained-had been amused by having been twirled about and rendered naked from her cocoon and would have it so 'twixt meditations, exercisings, and further meditations, so that my aunt and her sister-who had since died-were equally thus treated and brought naked to the view.
Were you not rumpled and ridden then? Was it not coarse? I dared to ask.
Coarseness is the manifestation of vulgar minds, she replied. My room was ever darkened, candles lit. There were no routs upon the carpet of the drawing room. Such, surely, would have been an abomination. Ever was all silent and solemn, majestically performed in utter privacy. Once my bottom had been tapped, full flooded by the sperm of one or other, then did I bathe, re-don my sari, and descend to continue my meditations. My nipples being erect, warm water was sprinkled on them through the silkened cotton and my brow perfumed.
May I not do the same?
There is no time, my love, no time. I was not married until twenty-five. I had more years than you for such fulfilments. Mama graced the house and saw to all. I went maiden to my marriage bed even as shall you. My rosette, though well nurtured as it had been, was silent in its musings, played not traitor to me, was unsuspected, though frequently well-fingered. My husband, however, took not to the sport, and I in my modesty made no mention of it. When he was killed early in the battles around Delhi, I returned home clad in widow's weeds, presenting myself much as a nun. Attired completely in black, my bottom uttered thus its gleaming promise, lambent in fleshly glory as the moon. Mama saw this, however, as provocation, for I was prone to leaving my bedroom door opened in my unveilings, my skirt well girded up and knickers cast aside. Seeing me thus, she bound my wrists and caused me to be paraded, upstairs and down, with all my clothes upcast. Naught was said but many eyes reproached me. I had offended, you see, against the conventions. The veils of privacy were torn. She desisted, however, from casting up my widow's veil, hence it was said I looked a perfect houri, my bush displayed on gleaming white framed by black stockings and black skirt. Having been so paraded, led about, I then was taken to the stable and there cropped. Mama taking pity on me in my writhings, however, I received the noble cock between my burning cheeks and thus was partly assuaged. Upon dear Mama's passing, I became then a prey to lusts for she was not there to monitor events.
I was not monitored, have not been, never been.
It was not necessary. By not monitoring, your own dear mama most visibly monitors. Even so, I saw to myself, came fast to my senses, wore veil and stockings for the last time on my bed, restored the benedictions, the convention-all. Yet it was pleasant to be threaded occasionally upon the rug, a winter's fire warm-roaring at my head. You must not disdain such proclivities, on your return, on your return.
I answered not, as was my wont. I would promise nothing and yet would withhold nothing. The trees do not move when the breeze stirs but let it pass through their branches. Constance was chased by trees. Perhaps now she and the others lay still all about the room, gyrating hips, the penis entertaining. On the morrow Carrie and Helen will go quiet to chapel. Upon dark landings, ever fumbled, fondled, led to bed, legs held akimbo to the throbbing thrusts. Penetrations, rivulets, balls slapping at their bottoms fast. Dark will curve the circles 'neath their eyes. The rugs will receive them, dust at their nostrils, in the conservatory shall they be ridden, blinded by wonder, the becoming of orchids. I shall not be as they in my quietnesses. Even so I might capture one such, toy with her, observe her in her toilings, flushed of face, small velvet O of mouth receiving tongue or bulbous nose of prick. I shall have gilded cages. Their bottoms shall be annointed first with wine, glistening with Eastern promise of delights.
Charlotte! I find the door-unguarded, not obscured. My voice shakes a trifle in my excitement. The handle, rusty, rattles to my touch, squeaks, moves, and draws its iron tongue from the latch. I open. I am come upon it, the room so immense that it would seem to reach out into space. Upon the floor garters, cornets de bal, a withered flower or two. Far from me at the further distance is a dais, empty to its empty metal stands that now no music hold save for one sheet that lies forlorn.
Everywhere tall mirrors, dust blown, gird the walls. I am a thousand of myself, veiled in the dust and at all angles seen. My footsteps sound loud on the fretting floor that none perhaps should tread upon again. An arched and plastered ceiling, white and gold, takes all the echoes high, there comforts them and draws them into silence. Yet the silence beneath, around my feet, is deeper than above. I feel it as a slow breeze to my ankles turn, insinuating up my calves. I should become a rock beneath the sea and listen to the world above.
Charlotte!
I am at the centre of the room. The space disturbs. But one door stands before me far, left of the dais, brown and quiet. I venture there and feel my tremblings rise. The paint is cracked upon the panels. A brass knob lies limp. I shall turn it, shall I turn it, turn?
Open it, Miss, for I cannot.
Her voice! I burst within, she sits forlorn, as one abandoned at a table there. The room itself is small, clothes lie about, a sea unmoving of cast vestments, trousers, laced chemises, drawers. Shoes, boots lie skewered amid unheaving weaves. The table, rough and small, is deal, as is her simple hardbacked chair.
How long have you sat there? Long? How long?
She stands up, casts herself into my arms and sobs. They confounded me, Miss, said I was not of them and thrust me here within. When the music stopped I knew them gone, heard ever onwards the quick pattering of feet. The door would not open to my touch. I slept and dreamed and woke and dreamed. They were all naked in their lewdness.
Come, you are no longer bereft. No one shall stay our passage. There is wine in my rooms, sandwiches, nurturings.
If I remembered who I were! But I remember now the house, the house, the house. You will remember, I know you will, upon seeing it you will remember. If it is dark there, they will light lamps. It was always promised. Upon our returning.
There will be such, I am sure there will be such. I remember you. Do you not think that I remember you?
Our hands touch, clasp, I lead her out. The fellow confronts us anew and frowns.
Are you about your duties? he enquires of her.
She is about mine. You may go in there, there are clothes to be had.
I would not, Miss, for all the tea in China.
Leave us then, depart, or I shall make complaint upon it. You will end up in an infirmary, a poorhouse, if you do not mend your ways. Remember the poetry you have forgotten and meditate.
There is a coming here, Miss, an arrival. She is out of Time.
Are we not all? What do you know of Time, what know? Your beseechings shall be to the pavement and the gutter. Beware that my father does not come and horsewhip you for impertinence. Go!
Upon my command he is gone. The lights this time do not go out, one by one do not. Surely here is a benediction. Our palms moisten together. There are prayers in our togetherness.
Take off your dress, it is dusty. Remove all. Let me see you naked, Charlotte.
Will you not, too? We shall remember better then. It was always nice being naked together.
Keep your stockings on. Were we not so taught, burring of silk to silk and the soft sighing? He was at my bottom first, then yours, while we enlaced took purchase on each other's lips.
It was a deep bed. Do you remember the deep bed? His sister would whip us for disobedience. At my sobbings she put a dildo to me. How rude she was!
Do you remember where our house was, where? Murmurs of running streams, the dark elms in the night?
I said you would remember, Laura, I ever said. Ah, rub upon me, yes! I remember. It were far from here, ceilings of lanes and winter's coming. The sun rose to our eyes, fell at our backs. You stood naked in the grass once while he tickled you.
I was young then. Oh, you are coming! Are you coming? Her name was Anthea-his sister, yes. Rub faster, it is coming back! Tiverton-by Tiverton it lay. I shall remember upon the seeing of a bridge, grey stoned, well humped, a mill that stood beside. Ooooh-ah! You sprinkle faster now than I!
When the pleasure is done, when the pleasure is done. Let us to the wine again, Charlotte. How merry I feel, how eased between my thighs. What a silkiness of skin you have! Were you not his favourite, or was I?
He would have none of that, of favouritism, nor she. Perhaps that were the beauty of it, I don't know. Was it not cold in winter, though? His cock was fire between the sheets. She would get him steady up, then put him to us. Sometimes she would nurture him herself and make us watch. Anthea, yes. How clever you are, more skilled than I, remembering her name. Soft as a cloud her name were, like her lips. She taught us fair to kiss then, and to tongue, holding him back, she said, till we were ready for it.
There were wonders to be seen, as we thought then. They may become as dust, Charlotte. Ever be wary of the ways of man. Did you know I was in Brighton?
Her head shakes, her eyes bemused.
I was married. What a dull, bleak, and neutral time that was-ever the bedsheets wrinkled and the toast cold. Once when drunk he brought a housemaid to our bed. I would have watched-the foolish girl escaped. Thin and pale she was as a poet's thoughts.
You wanted her yourself perhaps. You were ever so, Laura.
Am I reprimanded? Her eyes, however, hold mischief. There is a dying here, though we are little aware of it. I touch her, but she shrinks, will not be enfolded, taken up, caressed.
Are we not to go, Charlotte?
There was badness there. I remember badness there. If I don't get about my business, Miss, they will be after me. The house is gone, the shutters ruined, I swear of it.
Her voice becomes a whine, her look-that changeling look-distraught.
Very well, if you will, Charlotte. If you will go, go now. You may never return.
I shall be hereabouts, Miss-thereabouts. The people of the town crowds thick as leaves. I gets lost among them, can go here and there and hide myself in alleys. Where shall I go now but they are haunting me?
Anthea? And her brother? His name was Victor, I remember now.
They will be gone now, Miss, and starlings on their gravestones, his penis withered, eaten by the worms. They were older than us. I heard said once they were taken by the cholera.
Even so the house will be there. We can wander up the stairways, discover old notes, a mouldering of clothes, know who we are. My voice is too steady. I perceive angels.
Let me to the doorway, Miss-Laura-I beg of you. The housekeeper has at me terrible if I am late.
She giggles in her going, casts flirtatious eyes at me. Through the doorway to the drawing room we tread as burglars in our own domain.
He had a big one, though, didn't he? She leans against the door, regards me as one dismissing me might. I remember when she opened your cheeks to it and put him in. You wriggled awful, kicked a churn. The chickens ran a-crying all around. Then I saw a burst of feathers and he had it in you. It was sudden that first time. There was chasing in the orchard, apples falling. She said as you would squeal the first time and warned him not. I see your hands say no, pushing at the straw, pushing up, but quick she moved and held your shoulders down.
You watched? Did you watch? I do not remember. Only the apples and the falling of them I remember; One bumped my shoulder. I thought it a bird, a poor bird falling-that was my startlement. The foreman was shouting out afar among the hayricks, but he could not see.
At the first upping of your skirts and the lowering of your drawers, frilled drawers, they carried you in. The wood was rotting and the stones uneasy.
Did you not beat at his back? Why did you not beat at his back?
Oh lawks, you took to it, though. After he had his piston pummelled in. I saw your face all right, saw your expressions. Wanted to cry, you did, but couldn't bring the tears. She pushed his breeches down, got your bottom to his belly. Fair corked you were and I were jealous of it. Your eyes rolled, there was a flush on your face. When you stopped squeaking and moving, then he used his cock fair fit to pleasure you. She said she didn't have to hold you then and you were good. I called your name out loud. You would not look. 'Now, move your bottom, move,' he said. I did not think you would. You were proud in your look for a moment. I ever knew you proud in your looks when you were taking it. Are you still?
Yes. Should I not be? I was exercised no more frequently than you. Oh, I do not remember.
What falsities you declare! You are still at it, I know of it. I have heard it in the ballroom, in the dark, whisperings of wind along the gutter's edge. Her voice cracks as ice cracks upon the coming of the warmer tides. I must go, Miss, they will be after me.
You may leave. We have perhaps no other life than this. The rest is mirage, mystery, echoes that we did not make, along corridors we have not trodden.
That is the truth of it, perhaps, Miss-yes, I swear it is.
Go, then. Her look is humbled now, our eyes exchange apologies. I shall finish the wine.
Do not ever wonder where the past is, where the future is. They are ever present, my father said.
That is tautology, my aunt replied. She showed her ankles. Mother tutted at her. I had shown my thighs ere that, girded with kisses, my garters caressed as though they were a part of me. I had threshed my hips to his threshing, cried my soft cries, known the ardent moments of the dark, tasting the bitter edges of the plants along my windowsill. Demonic, I sat as angel and Mama appraised me for my goodness, praised and appraised, her eyes unknowing at the glow within my cheeks.
Sit upon your sins. It is proper so to conceal them. Thus my paternal aunt in joking once.
Father departed, stern of eyes. The barrel of his gun drooped to the ground.
My thoughts were vandals, rogues, and vagabonds.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I shall have ecstasies and know fulfilments. Burnished by desire in the dark, he will come upon me. I shall be lewd in my expressions, make play with my thighs about his own. There shall be laughter in the house-the doors shall be left open. Kate-a housemaid I remember-will set her cap straight, her white cap that was never white, and ask, Oh lawks, what are you about, Miss?
Perhaps she will say it even at the streaming of his sperm, white pulsing-on. I shall push him from me fretfully and have her brought to lick me, leaving him forlorn, his penis dripping. There may be such days; there may be not. Shall I seek fulfilment now in words or deeds? My tongue is well turned for the former, were it to be loosed, let loose, allowed to run about the house. In The Lives of Gallant Ladies they did frot, bush to bush, and avid were their tongues. I twist in my bed now in recalling such. They are all gone down, gone down, and gone to dust. O the sad people in their going. Do they go?
They are emergent ever, father said when once I asked him, from death to life we come, and life to death. The coin spins endlessly. Who shall say which then is this side, that-who then shall say?
Death is done with, I heard a man once declare. He ruffled his sleeves as he spoke. I read it as a nervous gesture, expression of being, proof of existence. Mama, being within his hearing, was shocked, spoke of him as irreverent. He had a reputation as a cynic and one who moved among artists. It was not to be thought therefore that he could think otherwise, my mother said, having interpreted his remark as I thought wrongly, for I thought he intended to convey that death itself did not exist. Upon my asking him this, he frowned as though I were too young to have such questions garlanded on my brow.
There is an end to all things-such is death, he replied and moved on to approach my cousin, Celia, who was known to have a fondness for bohemians. I would have known what he said to her, for there was laughter, but no scorning arrows of it coursed across my cheeks. Her laughter was for the moment, the entertaining of his desire. There is death in such moments, yet the substance remains. Death is perhaps the tapestry and we the threads.
I become too solemn upon such matters. Come, fuck me, one and all, come fuck. No, I must not speak thus. Ever being demure I lowered my drawers always slowly. Come, darling, come. He said that but once, fingering my fur, his entry full made deep between my cheeks, my O that waited to receive. Upon that moment with the quickening of his words, the utterance of voice, all was a-pace, smacked bottom to his belly thrust. There was also-as if-yes-underwater slowness sometimes, yes. Slow, quick-quick, slow, as in a foxtrot.
Come, love, come. That was the best of it, the breaking of the silence quick. I sprinkled, came, knew soundless my desires, damp in my drawers as then I drew them up, was done with, done, yet ever ready to renew. Open and yet closed, I trod, wanton, at evenings in dark corridors-but no, I was not so, was not. That was Charlotte perhaps. She ever tried to vie with me, I know, was the sly one-I the petulant, the betrayed.
Comings are ever a rebirth or a continuation of that which was before, or both. Upon the serving of breakfast in my boudoir, my Uncle Paul attends upon me, his expression willing to convey both humility and hope. His glance ventures frequently into the vent of my nightgown. Intimations of boredom bring me to converse with him in a manner brighter and less brittle than heretofore.
He is to Epsom, it appears, and has a carriage waiting upon the journey. We are to Epsom if I bend to his request, most humbly put, decorated as is an inlaid casket.
Is your companion to come? You give me little enough time to prepare for such an outing.
No, my dear, I thought you not too taken with her. I am fortunate to find you risen so early. Should we leave within the hour then all will be well.
We shall venture alone then to the racing? I prefer that.
My reasons are not as he thinks. No mood for small talk with unknowns is upon me. He may wait downstairs. Such shall be his penance. Urgent to agree, he rises from a chair by my bed, kisses my hand, and fain would suck my nipples were I to offer them even more freely than their present peeping-up allows. I ring for a maid. Her manner of bathing me pleases. Frequently she passes the warm sponge beneath my bottom and holds it there, squirting warm water as one waters indoor plants.
Do you like attending upon ladies?
The young ones like you, Miss, more of my own age-not so much the older ones. They are more fussy- they stand less still.
Do I stand still enough? Replenish the sponge. Squeeze it more.
You stand nice, Miss, legs apart, knees bent a little. It makes it easier, you see.
A hint of breathlessness is in her tone. She can be scarce more than twenty. Her bubbles promise richness and her thighs delight. I would reverse our roles and bathe her if I could. If we kissed, pressing shells to one another's ears, we would hear the sea. The water trickles down my legs, becoming lukewarm at my ankles.- What is your name? I turn carefully in the bath to face her, then recompose my posture. My bush sparkles with the diamonds of her laving.
Lucy, Miss. Shall you return this evening and I shall bathe you again?
Would you like that? Your finger escapes the sponge at moments. Do you mean it to?
I mean no impertinence by it, Miss, but you feel so nice. I am put out of home, you see, live in rooms, so would be glad to attend upon you after my other duties.
I shall rest my hands on your shoulders. Do you mind the wet? Bring a young man with you. Do you have a young man?
Yes, Miss, but he is not so lettered or well mannered. I has another gentleman, a toff, who comes occasionally. I met him at the Alhambra; he is a fair dancer, too.
A toff? You mean he is of another social class than yourself? Be not demeaning of yourself in your ways, Lucy, for men are men and women are women. If you can finger well, as well you finger, are soft of eyes and pretty with words, there need be no accounting of difference. Does he pay you for your compliances? Is he well furnished? Come, dry me. I am in a mood for the rub of the towel. Use a warm, dry one between my legs.
You are a fair devil, Miss, if I dare say so. There comes several up from the country whom I have furnished with gentlemen friends in their boudoirs. The gentlemen come into the front of the hotel, you see, and I from the back, and so I come up quietly and make the introductions.
For which you are paid by both, no doubt, you witch. Such services should be arranged. I have no doubt of it. We shall, however, reverse our roles. I will put you to the gentleman and watch your bout. Thereafter you will both leave and you must apprise him of such before his entrance. I wish him not to be unclothed. He will lower his trousers, you your drawers, if such you wear. He will approach you from the rear. All shall be silent. Let no more be said on it until you are put up. Nine-thirty tonight will suffice.
As you wish Miss. I never had anyone watch me before.
You may keep your eyes closed. The bedroom will be in darkness. The light from the drawing room shall illumine all that needs be seen. You may dress me now-the small corset, a chemise, drawers, and gown will suffice. Be sure that my stockings are drawn up taut.
I have concluded with the mundane. It may be that I shall have no taste for the matter when the time comes. Perhaps they have done it before me already and I am at the end rather than the beginning. Father returned once from horse racing, to which he had been inveigled by a friend, looking, as I thought, most profound. Sitting deep in thought as he did and I asking him upon what his mind was fixed for I feared that he had gambled overmuch and lost, he said, As I watched one race succeeding the other, I became aware that only one horse could succeed in each contest. The thought crossed my mind as a truism, but when I placed it, as it were, a little to one side and looked beneath I realised that since no horse could win save the horse that won, then in every sense the horse had already won before the race had started.
Gazing at me quizzically he smiled and asked, Is there a meaning to life therein? Have we already won, or lost?
My paternal aunt entered at that moment, having heard what was said upon her approach.
If the horse has already won, then we have already died, she said.
The room seemed not to chill at her words, though I thought it might. I looked to my father for an answer, for I thought his words might solve all the mysteries of the universe.
As to that, we are perhaps too much at words, he said.
Indeed so, my aunt replied, for did Mama not tell us that words and the thoughts that are consequent upon them become as intertwined and ravelled as spaghetti upon a plate, and that the more we try to separate the strands-if we so try-then the more anxious our minds become.
Mama had much wisdom, Papa said and gazed at me as though I too should possess such, but I do not think that was the intent of his look upon me. You have misquoted, though, my dear, he went on, for what she actually said, and I recall that she wore a blue sari threaded with silver upon that occasion, was that in netting words with the thoughts that they occasion we incur thereafter great frustration in trying to unravel all and finally are left with such a mess of potage as were best left alone. She did, however, mention spaghetti, he conceded with a grin.
Then we should learn nothing. Surely did your Mama not add something else? I asked, for I then forever felt he was keeping something from me like a tease who proffers a wrapped parcel but will not let one take hold of it and dances all about holding it above one's head.
Words are the furnishings of the caves where devils dwell, my aunt said. So I felt as much frustration as I ever had and was put out and showed it by my sulky look. Excusing myself, I went up to my room, where Papa in due course followed. I sat upon my bed and looked forlorn, for such was ever my posture when I wanted him to talk and comfort me.
What was intended was that one learns in silence, Laura. What then is there to learn?
When you know that then you will have no further need of words.
Even so, you could tell me, I replied, then laughed for I realised that I had fallen into my own trap, and my laughter being echoed by his own, I again felt contentment and listened to the twittering of the baby swallows in their nest beneath the eaves, for such sounds are condiments to the feast of life, as is the tinkling of a spoon to a cup, the far calling of children at play and the water-rustlings of the small waves on a beach where the beach would try to grip the sea yet fails.
When my paternal grandmother was receiving her benedictions, as she called them-as in turn I learned to do-there was frequently the sound of small bells, which, it was said, came from Tibet. Not always wishing to know whose penis she might receive, for then her meditations could continue the more contained and unblemished, her maid would hang strings of these bells around my grandmother's bed so that whoever brushed through them would cause them to tinkle. She, being upon all fours and well presented with her ample bottom offered, would keep her eyes closed and her face cupped in her palms, which she had scented beforehand. Oil was applied delicately around and within the rim of her rose, her orifice, with such a thin glass rod as later I had been supplied and which I used to the same end when I knew that I was to be exercised. Experiencing no more than I the first shock of entry of the swollen knob, she would receive it with but a sigh as if the outgoing of her breath were brought about by the invasion.
Indeed, I recall vividly the hush-rushing of my own breath upon the moments of my first trials when I fell into Perdition. This sensation, however, dwindled with further exercising, I knowing naught save pleasure in my pumpings. The male was the giver, the female the receiver, as my grandmother in her own time then ordained. Hands placed but lightly on her hips, her stallion was constrained to work himself therein, thereout, ever with grace, not grunting nor uttering lewd sounds but conducting himself majestically until sperm cascaded deep within, was there received and held. Were the male (perhaps being young and lacking caution) to utter utterances of lust-were he to do so-then upon withdrawing, his penis would be strapped to his belly by means of a leather scold, or sheath, being thus contained and constrained for a week or more so that on his desiring to urinate it needed to be released temporarily by an older female servant, this shaming and yet training the offender.
So my aunt told me, and my astonishment at such intelligence was great, for I had until then held males to the arbiters of all.
Why should that be so? my aunt replied, for the female-although of necessity strapped and put to pleasure in her younger years-will in time show herself fit and willing and is thereafter no less than the male in stature. Master or mistress-what does it matter?
It occurs to me now that I had at least proven mistress of the occasion when, severing from my husband, I had commanded the moment, made brazen my intent, and so packeted and parcelled up the very air within the house that each was contained within its several compartments. Such thoughts are random, however, and bring me not to the point that I may wish to reach, which is bereft of designation, label, or description, flows not like water nor holds still as wood or stone, yet contains all, as the air contains the birds and space the stars. When I am still, there is movement; when I am moving, stillness is apprehended, understood, made present in my being.
My uncle, upon my appearance below, gives every visual sign of one who has despaired of waiting, would proffer fretfulness like washing breeze-blown on a line did I not sweep past him, making clear my presence on the hotel steps.
A conveyance of some grandeur awaits-a family type of carriage with ample room for six. There is, he opines, more comfort in such than one of shorter underbelly upon a journey of such measure. There are motives therein, I suspect, but I am not of a mood to question them. The maid's gentle, questing touch has stirred my loins. I signal my approval by wriggling my bottom as I enter and face forward to the horses. Clerks, tardy upon their business, halt and stare. My bonnet of blue velvet is approved, the angles of my nose, lips, chin are seen, may yet be dreamed upon by those who scribble later at their toil. They will thrust at their wives tonight, remembering my face. Their mouths will be open and wild dreams will rage. I shall have none of it, may yet see my performance with the maid, who came as a pleasant comma to the morn. Yet there will be a dryness about it, I believe. Rather would I sit in my white dress that I wore for my Confirmation, my ankles seen and approved, a cushion at my back against the bole of a tree, a book unread upon my knees, my garters tight, the gusset of my drawers moulding my sensuality unseen, purring its silent pleasure of desire.
When it was tickled first, a cock at my bottom Shall there be company at the races, uncle?
There will be friends, no doubt-distant friends and new. None close. Would you have some close?
I have no feeling for matter. Is there not a dullness in racing? Have the horses not already won? Were that to be so, my pet, and I knowing of their names, I would be a millionaire.
He is obtuse upon such matters. I am among foreigners, must learn new tongues, parse my sentences as they and conjugate the ordinary.
My drawers are too tight. Pray turn your back that I may remove them.
My dear, yes. They must not incommode you. May I see your knees first?
Are we within the house or without the house? Is there to be lewdness? Is this your manner of conducting things? My calves are slender, my thighs swell. Turn your back. Mama would have none of it; Papa would forbid you his Clubs and put your name about. The card tables would no longer receive you. Are you not a member of the Athenaeum? You should act ever as a gentlemen. Turn your back.
He is crestfallen, though his crest rises-I observe- with the rustling of my gown. I am come upon a newness to myself. The high windows of the carriage permit no observation from beyond save if we pass a horse bus. I shall be covered by then, my legs pristine and shielded from all gaze. I descend my drawers slowly, raising my bottom from the seat. There is pleasure in doing so. The act of furtiveness becomes the moment. In this moment they are puddled in my hands, drawn off my ankles, and my gown restored. His eyes, drawn back to mine by soft command, gaze in humility.
Of what fine cotton they are made!
There is not a stain upon them. Hold them if you wish.
I would kiss them, Laura.
That, too, is permitted.
His nostrils quiver. He inhales. His face bears an unease of puffiness.
A delicate scent, my dear. How delicate!
It is beyond description. Place them over your crotch. I do not wish to see your uprising. Mama would admonish me severely for such.
Your Papa would bring his strap to you? His look has fervency. My drawers are tentpoled by his rampant stand.
I know naught of a strap. Why think you of a strap? There is perversity in such thoughts that ill becomes you. Girls are birched, I believe, for I have heard of their wailings. Their hips weave, their bottoms beg for succour, there are cries for assistance, are there not?
I have matched his lewdness with remonstrance. He knows of what and whom I speak-the factory wench who, not so poor of spirit, brought him to the Justice of the Peace. I pray for her spirit that it shall never weaken, yet hypocrite now in my own wild intent do bid him loose his trousers.
Let me not see it for I do not wish to see it again. How you heaved upon her at the hotel! I have sealed letters on the matter at my bank, held in trust, in secret vaults, that you might not betray me. Keep it covered with my drawers and rub yourself within them.
What a torture you put me to!
Is it not divine? Look into my eyes while you do it. Speak-you may speak. There is no record kept upon the matter. We are over the Thames, shall soon enough be upon the pastures, among the meadows, the quietudes of poverty and want, rising of smoke from simple chimney stacks. Let your own belch, for I would see the cotton bubble.
I would speak of your thighs, your breasts adorable, your bottom. Have you not been approached-by stealth, perhaps? Has It not been put to you? Were there no corkings, uncorkings there-magic of bulbing to the manly stem?
He has not the albums of my thoughts, no leaves to turn, no likenesses of shadowed minds to gaze upon. Only the mirrors of my eyes reflect his dreams, the tattered banners of his purposes. His jaw sags. He having thus spoken, his jaw sags. There is about his face a desperation of purpose, ugliness. Better that I had in my past, in my beginnings, been turned about, put over, than having done it face to face.
Go on. You may think of it. Some chance encounter in the summerhouse, perhaps? Go faster in your thinkings. Well might you then have seen me clear unveiled, flower-. dust of morning on my riven cheeks. Do you come much-expel powerfully? Would you be upon me, if you could, back arched, receiving your wickedness? A maid might watch while polishing the silver, performing mundane duties as her plight demands. Mama might enter and say prayers. Kneeling behind us, would she not see all? My aunt would draw the curtains against the sun.
Hah! What thoughts you have! How unbearable that I cannot see your garters.
In the dusk, in the middling ways of Time, when I was sprinkledAh, you are coming, I perceive. What a fine strong bubbling there is of it!
Kiss me, pray!
I will not! How dare you entertain such thoughts!
His face softens. The veins pulse less, the pale of cock-flesh sheathed within my drawers. How much more easily women flow in their unceasings! Their limbs are more lithe, expressions more angelic. Their eyes do not snag my eyes like thorns as men's eyes snag. I have uncovered my aunt's breasts-known her plentitude, rasping of nipples rubbery to mine, the entertaining warmth of thighs to thighs, bush brushed to bush and moisture found.
His shoulders sag. He is confounded, done. The sperm that smears my cotton slowly dries. It will turn to dust and become fireflies. The wheels of other carriages have all but brushed our own. Out towards Epsom now all London flows. The drivers curse and yell as drivers must. We are drawn by four horses, are majestic in our passage. A mile or two beyond, the dwellings thin. The rough-clad country folk, smocked yokels, stand and note with awe the passing of the toffs.
Are we then such? Furtive beneath my gaze, he hides his penis. The worm has died or gone to sleep, now hibernates beneath his sticky shirt. My drawers are fondled, folded, put away. He has nothing to say, nothing to say at all. I, changeling as Charlotte, have mocked his dreams. The yokels copulate no better or no worse. Who, then, are toffs beneath the heaving sheets?
You speak? You do not speak? I speak and spy a pretty girl. Pail held in hand, she turns and stares. The passing of our carriage moves her skirt. I would know her mind, her heart, her bottom's bounce. There is no time for it, alas. He grunts, feigns sleep, into a corner sags. Pale pictures tease the corners of his mind. Resentment clouds his mouth like soured wine.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
We are late upon it. It does not matter that we are late upon it. The crowds in their bright merriment are all, guzzlings of beer and summer wines, the conjurations of the conjurors, tumblings of tumblers, and the wistful songs of ballad singers in their midsts. The bookies slap their satchels crying out what they will bet, what they will not. All shall be gone when darkness falls, some into secret hollows of the Downs, minding with care the folding of their few possessions, awaiting salvation, nibbling at crusts and half a loaf put away for the morrow.
In a marquee we are feted with feastings. Upon entry, a footman inspects my uncle's regimental card. It ensures our acceptance. The Duke and Duchess of Manchester entertain in this wise only officers and their ladies. Vats six feet high distil the best champagne; our goblets gob with bubbles served by servants. We are greeted here and there by none I know, my uncle having light acquaintance of them. If I am my uncle's lady I should perhaps sleep with him. His penis ejected furiously in the carriage. Had he not lain upon another in my sight, I might accept him-might, I know not.
After the feasting there is the racing to be seen, though I care not for it. Between races the unseemly climb the rails and loll upon the track, making of themselves pathetic masters of the moment. They are cheered, reciprocate, vulgar in their exhibitions until controlled, commanded, cudgelled by police. Then, too, the jockeys, butterflied in suits of multi-coloured silk, perch as birds upon their stately steeds.
Much thundering of hoofs! The noise astounds. I would be gone from such and take my uncle's sleeve. His glance takes in the contours of. my thighs-my own his trousers where a promise swells. We are for a moment one in sensuality, a suddenness of passion in the day. I would be mounted on a sward, within a clearing circled half by trees. Slave girls in Grecian white would hold our horses. When we were done, and they impassive watching, I would rise unwashed, feel warm sperm trickle in my drawers.
Do you wish to come again?
I am become in this moment my own apparition, yet am clothed in body. Bizarre my words and yet controlled in tone.
There are booths, places for pleasures, entertainments, here.
Be not too urgent in your endeavours, uncle. If it is not I, then it will be another. Are there girls to be had here, among the gypsies perhaps, the nondescripts whose blouses veil full breasts, whose mouths are sullen with desire?
Would you have one such? Are you more fond of women than of men? How controlled you are! Were you taught thus?
Question upon question!
My laughter is released. An excitement of confession is upon me, yet I catch at hooks and covers of discretion. Perhaps it does not matter, does not matter at all. One is bound to silence by understanding rather than instruction. Among the caravans on the slope we wend. The country Arabs stare, dirty upon wooden steps that lead with brevity to small worlds of the indescribable. The crowds recede behind us. Planted here and there in grass some loiterers stand. I am eased within myself, know not the reason for my jollity, a fragrant juice of love upon my lips. The air is open here and haunted by no ghosts.
Perhaps I never was, have yet to be. The sun has warmed my bottom, glossed and round.
Behind a tent my hand is taken-I am of a sudden turned, breasts to his chest.
I am your kin, Laura, possess the ceremonial, ancestral rights.
What? There are none such! Are there such? What a wanton you would make of me! Am I to have belief in things that cannot be or yet in solitude should be conducted? Dark in the night and whisperings of wind, creakings of shutters and the candles fast extinguished? Such is a poetry of movement, motion, and desire surely not too subtle for imagination.
At least then you have imagined!
Should I not? I have seen the swelling of breeches at my approach and yet have ever guarded my avenues betwixt my cheeks, between my thighs. Once, being come upon the garden, half asleep as I lay with my skirt raised, I parted my thighs, allowed all to be seen. Feeling languorous, I fondled myself, impressed the batiste of my frilled drawers to my nest, the better that the lips might then be viewed. But then Mama came and I was forced to cease my fretting. Through the fluttering fronds of my eyelashes in the sun I had seen the stiffness of his stalk so clearly outlined that it were as naked.
What a pretty cock-teaser you are, then! Is that the truth of it?
Shall you play Pontius Pilate with your wicked stand? What is truth? Am I not my own truth? Come, let us to the pillage of one less innocent than I. There is a booth, you say, a place for pleasure, entertainment? Will not the multitudes come, surprise us at some lewd display?
His lips attempt my own. For this impertinence I move away, unclasped, and saunter here and there, beguiling as I know I can beguile.
There will be privacies, Laura, insinuations of hands, meetings of mouths.
If I permit them, as to my own person. Is there some overlord there, a master, mistress, harridan, or whore?
A mistress, yes. One of gentle family who fell upon hard times.
Gay girls say the same thing, so I have heard- claiming to be the daughters of penniless clergy or shipwrecked captains. I will know her genuineness or not. Is it far?
On the marquee yonder, below the hill. She does not wish to be seen by all.
Discretion in an open place? It is to be laughed at! I sense a commonness about her purpose, but even so you may take me there. Have care that no hands are laid upon me that I might despise.
It shall be as you wish.
His tone is starched and ironed. Seemingly I have offended by not falling beneath him on the grass. Fantasies, however, serve me better for the nonce. I have been beneath him, but he knows it not, have felt the slime of comings on his cock, the piston's easing from my sheltered dell, faint spatter of his sperm upon the grass. Rather would I taste strawberries now, sugared, dipped in cream, my quim licked by a Vicar's pet while he, incurious, sleeps by. Such scenes, I believe, Rowlandson or another drew. There was a sheaf of them, as I discovered, beneath an atlas on my father's shelves. The maids were comely and the men mature. Pricks were displayed, looked thin and spired, some being seen to spout, some not. Some waited while the maidens squatted, pissed, or urinated standing, legs apart. There were soundings of experience to be made, as I apprehended. Was there pleasure to be taken in such viewing?
I laid my hand upon a prayer book as I looked, to guard myself from devils, and yet ever turned the leaves. Fadings of colouring lent a charm to all I viewed. Upon seeing how the men's testicles hung, I stirred my loins. The crests were rubicund. I licked my lips. I had not then sucked upon one such but secretly had wished it.
Upon learning that I had viewed them, for I had turned them all about, my aunt had them put away-or burnt, averring that my father had purchased them in foolish youth. One should not keep for too long images on paper, so she said, for it implied unfulfilment in the eyes of those who looked. There was-sadness in the stillness of the figures, she averred. I, being then emergent, knowing the pulsing penis at my bulb, replied that were the eyes of those depicted able to move-were some magic to enable them to move, even without movement of limbs-then sadness would be not apparent. So I cogitated and was found right in my thinking, for there must ever be movement and a flowing. The power of movement exceeds the power of sound. So is the sea witness also to this truth.
My thoughts become more dry upon approaching the marquee. Above the awnings crude paintings are displayed of women seemingly naked and yet not. They represent participants in the Tableaux Vivants which are evidently here to be seen, my uncle explaining that in such the ladies, so attired in tights of near flesh colour, array themselves in still and classic poses. The law, he says, requires that they do not move-an absurdity, yet thus propriety is maintained.
His arm goes forward, a flap moves, we enter. The ground is boarded. The planks groan and flap. Two girls, near-naked and with dirty feet, sit listless on a bench. Upon our entrance one rises and scuttles round behind a screen. My uncle coughs. Whether it is a signal of content or dissatisfaction I know not.
The girl rises, uncertain, her face too pale for this bright summer day. I would make her lie outside without a parasol.
She'll come in a minute-the mistress. Was you to see her?
Her voice is drab and has no taste to it. She will couple with those who will sperm her only in silence, her small mouth working like a doll's. She speaks because a silence hurts her mind and brings uncertainty.
Yes.
Her small hurt comes to me. I cover it with a smile as one might cover up a fretting bird that sings in darkness to bring back the sun. Upon my speaking then a lady appears. I would call her such for she has the carriage of one, the neck well held, hair groomed, faint rouge upon her cheeks. Not yet in the middle way of life, her body has a bloom of firmness, slim.
You are well come. This is your daughter?
My niece, Madam. Permit me, Laura, to introduce Amelia.
Amelia Symington-Smythe. I have no use for anonymities-have you Her smile is charming-intimates that I might be untried. I am brought here perhaps to some green altar to be sacrificed. I have a bower within-will you not come?
Behind the screen an enclosure that itself is full tented, roofed, surrounded and made private. Lamps are necessary. Light glitters through green' glass, through blue, through pink. Two ottomans, and cushions here and there. We are seated. An air of hesitation hovers.
There were entertainments we had heard. My uncle coughs again. Some nervousness possesses him.
You had both heard? Will you take liqueurs? Susan!
Her smile is gentle but her voice sounds sharp. We, in a tent within a tent, are as intruders to her realm. A girl enters, bears a tray. The hem of a chemise wafts round her hips, shortened for revelation. Her bottom naked gleams, her stockings black. In serving she presents her cleft, the cheeks inrolling on her secrecy. Her tuft, well furred, is clipped triangular. The lips peep a little, pouting, as she walks. I will have her with my tongue before the day folds dark into the trees. Her face pleases, neither common nor patrician.
In the full forest of her hair You may leave, Susan. The gentleman may follow in a moment. Be sure your breath is sweetened and your thighs perfumed. Do you take to her?
The question seemingly is addressed to my uncle.
If such be, yes. He appears to flounder-confuses thoughts with words and words with thoughts.
Take then your drink and follow her. There is an alcove to the rear where you may pleasure her or she may pleasure you. One never knows upon such matters, does one?
Very well. Ah, yes.
Cast somewhat in confusion, he departs. There is a whiplash to her voice beneath the velvet. I evidently am desired, or shall know about the matter soon enough.
He has had you? Had you yet?
In speaking she rises, seats herself beside me on an ottoman, which takes some creaking pleasure from her bottom's bulge.
Are you ever so direct? My smile, received, amuses. Her eyebrows arch.
I will not have girls forced to it-save by myself. Are you for training or for wilful pleasures?
Which of those two is Susan, then?
My question, facing question, makes her laugh. The sound is pleasing, tinkles, silvery.
She is at the midway of her fate-will serve him well enough though slightly stiff of thighs, will jerk her bottom petulant and sob a little. Had I known more about you as a pair I might have had your tongue flick-tease her first. Men, however, are artful in their ways. He might have entered you without your willing. Such trios ever please the lustful. Has he mounted you?
Not he. You may fill my glass again-if you will fill my glass again. You appear to have acquaintance with him and yet not. Do you screen your intent or are you ever open on such matters?
We fence with questions, do we not? Lie back a little that I might taste your mouth. How sultry, small, and succulent your lips!
Is this your way of training?
I would have you, yes. You knew that I would have you from the moment of the meeting of your eyes. Birds fly behind your eyes, flirt with the world, are gone. Here, let me take your glass. Fill your mouth and pass the liquor then within my own. Does that not please?
How would you train me? Perhaps I have been trained. Ah! Oh, your finger intrudes! Why do you put it there first?
More questions and less knowings, Laura! Draw your skirt up more. Ah, minx, you wear no drawers! You are come upon expectancy. How you wriggle on my finger! Is it nice there, ever nice? What a pity I did not train you first myself.
What a pity, yes, but there would have been no allowing of it. You do not have withal the wherewithal, the whatnot.
Cock. Say cock!
. I will not. Oh, it is naughty. Ooooh, how far up your finger goes!
Tight still, are you not, between your cheeks, but well reamed there-I have the feeling of it. So many come to me who have been little probed, known yet the seeking of the knob but wilted from its entry, squalled and squealed.
Do you whip them? My voice is thick. We lounge along the ottoman, the glass discarded, sticky both of lips, and belly bared to belly now.
Say 'cock' first and I will tell you.
Cock. I giggle, hide my face. I would be perverse with her, play wanton to her needs. Our tongues intrude, upon each other's dance and flick. She seeks my corsage to unbutton, I then hers. Our nipples, displayed to each other's burr, quickly stiffen, jellied points of fire. Tell me, tell quick, oh, tell me now!
Ofttimes they are spurred with whip or strap, are brought to leap, display their cunnies. The proud surrender not easily, and yet they must. I treat not common girls. They for the most part offer their bottoms for a sovereign and their quims for half of that. Better by far to take one who will sob, declare her declarations of despair, be made submissive, brought to lick.
The cunny of their mistress first? Oh, how divine! You make my bottom wriggle more-I beg you work your finger more!
Desiring of darkness you were first brought to it, I vow. Or at dusk taken, behind curtains drawn. Your legs strained, you sought to retract, could not, and thus urged back a little, felt the prick's full inward plunge, expanding to receive, and sucked him dry. Did you thereafter cry, fall forward faint, the smears of sperm warm on your nether cheeks, need to be shushed, drawn up, your skirt descended?
Mama said that I ever looked immaculate in my immaculacy. Ah, but he bubbled, strove and strained, in-forced, enforced his penis to my plum. So I to Perdition came. Think you wrong of me?
Were you bold thereafter? Did you offer?
No. Another giggle. I am clutched to her. Subtle our thighs move and our pussies meet. Liquid to liquid urge the silent lips. My clitoris sweet tingles, sharp to hers.
Speak. You may speak, Laura.
Ever modest I moved, Amelia. Do you not remember? Were you not hidden in the shadows of the leaves, questing by moonlight along the roofs rim to peer within my room? The strap was ever-present, broad and thick. I counted of it near five inches width, the leather creased, striated. Offering came not in question. True, there came a time, an evening close upon mid-summer's call, when I removed my drawers, awaited kisses, the cupping of his palm to my nest, heel of hand rubbing to my hairs, my slit at pillage. Oh! I have not even told my own thoughts this!
We are upon confession, are we not? Continue.
Desire is pale. I felt a pallor at my eyes. Knees flexed, I flicked a finger at my nest. Thus was I come upon, all disarrayed, fell back upon my bed and moaned my cry.
Speak, little devil, speak more clearly. You are panting. I can scarce hear you. Did he come armed? Armed for the combat you desired?
I know not if I dream it. Do I dream it? He came with penis at full stand, his balls displayed above his trouser's gap. Seizing my hair, he drew me up, hot cock against my belly pressed, for a long moment we stood thus. Aeons passed-I heard the curtains stir, the voices of the workers in the fields. A milk-pail rattled and then all was still. Gently he cupped my cunny, felt it pulse, and swore to its allure. The lips he said would suck along his prick, draw out his sperm in shoots of white desire. I fainted at the words You lie! I know you now to lie!
I wished it so. Does that not make it true? Ever the worlds of true and not-true merge, are drawn within, coagulate and re-emerge, claiming inheritance to Now. Time is a burden on us all.
Be quiet, child-make not much of death nor Time lest ere thy day thou reap an evil thing. Have you not read Swinburne in his musings? Finger-teased or twiddled, yes, perhaps, but ever you were turned about, your cheeks put up to him and boldly parted. Ever modest you moved? I have no doubt of it. I had a cousin such, most sensual in bed, yet looked a nun, her mouth pursed primly as a chorister's. It becomes some so to be. Those who are brought to me for training and conversion are quite other. They are pursed of lips both above and below and yet must learn to take the squirtings in their dells, their tight rosettes, their mewing mouths. Came he never in your mouth?
But once, obedient, I took it-yes-his penis to my lips. Shadowed, his balls hung down beneath. I marvelled at their majesty and weight. Being kneeling, I took chance to fondle them and heard his groanings far and faint above. Then, my head being pressed most fervently, I drew in more or more drew in-one says such as one will. He quivered in the velvet of my mouth, was taut with veins and urgent to expel. I please you, do I please you now? Is my recital apt, well phrased and orchestrated to your whims?
You hide desires beneath your gaiety. He came well in your mouth? He came?
Sperm-guzzling were my lips and a fine bubbling made of it. He could have laid me then upon my back- but no. How lewd, how inappropriate, to have my face to his!
Hah! A fine curry of emotions you make within yourself. I know not whether you are truly shy or lewd within your shyness, as some are.
Those you spur to wicked deeds-whence do they come?
From good families all and well accounted for. I will have no other. The first two you encountered here are but servants. As to the marquee, the strains of vulgarity in my display invites. The paintings without are crude-are meant to be. There is a strange allure in such. Emboldened by wine, the gentry come within to see the ladies at their posings. Thereafter, choosing carefully among pairs as I do, one sits to conversations serious. The pale, the pretty, the unchaperoned are brought within and given sweet liqueurs. It is taken first to be a merriment, an innocence. Few have had their drawers down to it ere I tame them. In loose and idle talk the manner of their ways is quick uncovered. To one I might say how pretty it would be to see her pose-to another that I desire to see her petticoat or drawers. I jest, of course, or so appear to do to hide the blushes on their cheeks. Too timid to depart, too awed to speak, they listen to my words, cast glances at their kin, seek rescue but none comes. Implacability here has it pursuits. I have my house and thereto they are brought. Many are prim and quiet; some smile uncertain. To allay maternal hearts it will have been put about that they are taking the waters at Tunbridge Wells or some such. I am not cruel with them, my love. Hitherto they have been brought to kneel for no good purpose other than of prayer. I fondle, coddle, urge and spur them on until the fleshly rod is planted in.
Do you tie their legs?
My eyes sparkle. I appear to have a scent of the game.
Would you have it so? What devilry is ofttimes in you, Laura! I have my systems-know no failures yet. A girl so mounted might retain resentments. The penis knows no conscience, nor the quim. The latter first is teased and tingled, knows its stimulations. Before they receive the leaping jets of come, they must believe themselves to have surrendered.
I did not struggle.
You are passive and active, too. Such pleases me. If all came as you, I would be begging now for crusts. What an utterness of boredom! Would that I had you as a monitor!
As what? I sip and smile at her above the glass's rim.
To monitor the girls in their becomings, assuage their doubts and have them put to it. Of occasion, only, for it pleasures me to do so myself, to hear their clouding cries, observe their eyes.
Mine you may not observe. I have my privacies. Be certain of that, despite my confessions.
As you will, though at times you will favour my ticklings. I shall bring a pretty feather to your quim and make you writhe. What's o'clock?
Near half past four.
My uncle answers, entering. The question not having been addressed, conveyed nor posted to him yet, he snatches at it even so in effort to inveigle. There is straw upon his trousers. Heavily ignored, he sits and wilts. I receive Amelia's carte de visile, perceive her home to be in Kensington. Such intelligence is already in my uncle's possession, I believe. Having sat, he rises, hopeful speaks.
We may see you tomorrow, Madam?
At eight of the evening, shall we say? Bring her, of course.
She is gone. Susan, full dressed, appears and leads us out.
Her face is the face of one who has lost her dreams.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
When there is imminence of hope one does not always speak of it. Better to enchant the mind with dreams than wait upon reality. Hence my uncle on returning broods and holds himself most properly within himself. I have no dreams as yet but let the fragments of the day drift through my mind.
Let your thoughts fall as blossoms fall. Look straight ahead and not upon the ground, for there their agitations will disturb your mind.
So father spoke.
And when they cease? I answered, cease to fall?
Then they are gone-are gone. With that he, too, was gone. So brief our conversations sometimes were. I believe them of a purpose to have been-to his intent, that I might store the grain but hunger not for harvest. Or I cogitate too much, perhaps, for even thoughts of thoughts should sometimes cease.
Upon telling my aunt of his saying, she replied, It is as if there is a pebble on your shoulder, finely balanced. You endeavour to forget that the pebble is there, but ever remember it, and so your mind turns round and round, the squirrel in a cage.
How then shall I forget the pebble on my shoulder? I asked, though mindful that the parable was lost on me. At that she brushed my shoulder, smiled, and said, You see, it is gone!
I am a stranger here. I have no one to ask.
We are late upon our returning, having supped at an inn amid a harrying of folk from Epsom, dusty in their coming, calling for tankards. You shall not fuck me tonight. I am not your whore! So was heard from a table and all heads turned, then bent again to plates and blushed or grinned. I neither blushed nor grinned but looked and saw a young girl dart outside. Pursued, she stood, her shoulders trembling on. A man of military mien held awkward to her side.
There was a misunderstanding of it, Kate. The words were not ill meant.
I am not a whore-am not!
Calls from the table made and they returned.
Come on, lovey, he meant nothing by it. So was said.
I rose, my uncle following with doubtful air, fumbling for handkerchief instead of sword.
You should take more care of her. So my words were addressed. Idle and bluff, all sat and hapless stared.
It was meant in jest, Madam. The soldier's stiff reply.
Have a care that your jests do not find you out.
We were gone then and my uncle happy upon it.
She was not a whore, was not. I knew it by her look,-was made defenceless by my protestation.
All women have their price, is it not said? His smile was eager, then became forlorn, died its small death upon the carriage floor. Coming at last upon my hotel I am asked of the morrow.
We shall see, perhaps. I may give thought to it.
It was an arrangement Laura. Acceptances were given.
By whom indeed? You may ask me again, ask me again. Goodnight.
The one I have forgotten waits, furtive by my door, hand huddled to her coat, the night upon her mouth.
I thought you were not coming, Miss-ever coming. He waits downstairs. I told him of your coming. A great pleasure he will make of it, he says.
Has he not jousted with you yet, in some far linen room, behind the arras?
The what, Miss? No, he hasn't done nothing, not yet.
Her eyes contain anxiety. I should not jest upon her morrow's meal.
Take a sovereign, Lucy-here. I am tired upon it tonight. Say nothing to him save that I am indisposed. Mark that he pays you for your time.
Yes, Miss. I'm sorry for it. I shall see you again, shall I not?
Or shan't you-yes-perhaps. One never knows the way of the world. You will bathe me again. Of that I am certain.
I would love to do that, Miss. Your limbs are like satin.
You prefer me to him, I believe. Perhaps we are of the same tribe. Have you had knowings of Charlotte?
I hold my door open-perhaps with promise. My question falls and rings upon the ground-a coin that only urchins may retrieve.
Oh, her-no, I don't know of her. I saw her once in the corridor, I believe. She ever changes, here and there, is gone. Is she a wraith, Miss, or real? I ever have a sensation of her.
Perhaps you are she-she, you. Have you not thought of that? Do not fret upon it. I come upon such musings.
Ill still do it with him if you want, Miss.
Do you want to? I believe you want to. Will he put it in your bottom? Do you permit that?
I have drawn her within. It is dark within. Our mouths merge, breasts bulb.
If you like. Oh, you make me wriggle at the thought of it. Will you kiss me while I do? I left my drawers off ready for it.
You would spoil the scene? They should be at your ankles. Will you squeal?
No, Miss, I won't. He is ever waiting. If you want your sovereign back, you can, for he will pay me.
Be not spendthrift, Lucy. Ever guard your treasures. Is it not as nice to talk about as to do? Let me feel your bottom. Are you oiled-made ready for the rampage? Will your mouth open? Does it open?
When it goes up quick, I do, I know it does. That were the way I was put to it first.
I am sure of it. You have a prettiness of purpose there. It mounds well. I shall hold your cheeks open. Do you like them to be smacked first, held down, made prey to it?
What a lovely way you talk! I wish I had words like yours. You have me up on tiptoe now with your feelings. It is nice to have it smacked first, ain't it? Do you know it is? When I am red and rosy there I feel better for it. When it goes up, then-ooh, Miss, let him do it!
Very well then, bring him up. Have care to be silent, utter no cries. He must come in you full before he withdraws. I would not see a drop escape.
It never do. She giggles and is gone. I dispense my cloak, bonnet, and wait. I am upon a moment come, shall play the watcher to their toil, will sleep perhaps the better for it, do not know. He is handsome, quiet, a small moustache, no beard. So should they all be so, their voices polished and well turned.
Is it to be thus? You will not then undress?
It is to be thus. What is your name? It does not matter. Have you a wife, foundlings, waiting? Let me smack her first. Doff your trousers in readiness, draw up your shirt.
Have I said this before, in some far corner of the universe? His eyes glitter at my ankles. He will find no gold-only the pale orb of her waiting as she bends to me, the cleft well clefted and her quim out-peeped. At the first smack she wilts, cries out within her head, and then is still. My palm leaves imprint on her ardent moon, roses and cream. With further smacks the red is deeper splurged. Her buttocks work, jerk, thresh. His prick is high. Oooh-wah! Her quietness in excitement breaks.
She is ready. I believe her ready. So he mutters, urgent, and would move.
I believe her not. Another three. Show your balls, sir.
At his first going in I hold her cheeks-stand delicate beside their play, my eyes too hot for comforting as rubbery her ring around his tool expands. There is a grunting of it and a gasping. Half in, he hesitates, then thrusts, is deep embedded, holds to her. His head hangs back. Remarkable his eyes, smack bottom smack to belly ever thrust. A fine coming he will have of it, bursting of fruit. His jaw sags. So I ever wondered and now see it so. Did I look thus, far-full bent, huff-puffs of sound, legs ever further spread and thrust to it?
Entertain me. Do not come in her too soon.
Bulgings of eyes and promises of bliss. There is deeper pleasure in remembrances, hopeful arrivals of the time for it, the agitations of the legs, the small movements, anticipations. I have watched the clock, known cream in my mouth, have licked at chocolate, would have my lips, tongue, endlessly move in waiting.
Wait and be still as a tree waits. Thus my aunt. I did not listen to her always in my agitations. Of trees I thought of loneliness and sap, then knew her right. My drawers fall as the leaves fall, but I wait not for the seasons. So I wrote once in my diary, wanton writing, then laid the ink so heavily upon it that none could read the words save I, knowing them hidden quiet behind their veil.
His knees bend further. He is at her full. The knob, red rimmed, appears and glides within.
Oooh-ah, Miss!
Be quiet, Lucy, you are spoiling it. Go at her, sir, empty your balls.
What a coarseness is here! The air contains it. He grunts anew, his Adam's apple jerks. Unseemly are displays. I turn my eyes yet ever wend them back to where he works, his piston easing deeply in and out. How proud her cheeks, protuberant and sweet! I bend and coil her hair back, kiss her mouth. Her tongue displays an elegance of love. He is coming, I know it by his snuffling; she receives. Her tongue long-licks about my own, is wet. Emerging comes his column, spouting on, is driven deep, there held, and spurts its last.
You may leave.
My voice is winter and his eyes are hurt. Limp in its thickness hangs his grenadier.
Come, sir, she don't want us to stay-was strict upon it.
What a strange woman you are! I have never come upon the like of it.
His eyes would challenge mine. I hold my back to him and brush my hair.
Be sure that you come to bathe me in the morning, Lucy.
Yes, Miss. It were right nice, Miss. Thank you, Miss.
Knowing not what to say-such people know not what to say-she flirts with empty spaces and departs. He lingers, would have details of me, I suspect, is confounded that we are of the same class. In summer, wearing gaiters, trailing gun, he will speak of politics, philosophy, and art.
May I visit you-call upon you?
You may not.
I do not turn-regard my image in the mirror, seeking a flushed look that I do not find.
It would be a pleasure so to do.
Goodnight. Your wife waits and your foundlings wait. Begone.
I have no children. Edginess intrudes. Feet move upon the carpet. He departs.
How empty are rooms when all but oneself are gone! I would cry for my remembrances, but know no tears. Some etchings in my mind disturb my stillness. Bring her, of course. Amelia's words ring thus. Where does she move now, dress, drink, urinate, and stroll among her maidens, slapping thighs?
I am not a whore.
I am not.
I am not, I am not.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The house lies in a mews as well it might, dark-banded by the night, driven by stars, scutterings of clouds, the rain in winter. Pressed tight by neighbours, it extrudes its light faint gold upon the pavement, promising of warmth.
Dispensing gifts of smiles, Amelia greets me. I am out of place, tread warily among her tables, knickknacks, cushions, couches, gleamings of silver and Sevres pieces.
You sent your uncle first here? An amusement! We have made play with him, my dear, a little play. He is not favoured among you? Is he favoured among you?
With my aunts he has little favour and with me less. What are you at? Am I to grant you favours or you me? I would not be brought nor taken nor put up. Where is he now?
Do you like the house? Do you not? Neither sombre nor playful?
It disposes well. Have you girls here or am I led on?
You may have one-two if you wish. I have some new ones. What enchantments they display, wicked of wobbling mounds and flashing thighs. Their eyes are haunted by the dreams of others, pattings of hands about their bottom-cheeks.
Have they been tasted, tried yet?
None. One has a mind to it, perhaps but needs the birch. The others are more fey. Their fingers delicate would arrange flowers rather than penis stalks. Come, I will show you. I dispose sufficient bedrooms here to have one in each. None may move without my counselling. There are peepholes to the doors. Such are necessary for observations.
As to my uncle, what then is he at?
A different end to that for which he came. You will see soon enough.
We are upon a landing. A table extrudes from one corner, a vase with flowers upon it, a gilded mirror above. The air is sensuous-rose dust remembering all its yesterdays, the kisses in the conservatory, and the refusals.
Delphine first. I have unclothed her. She frets upon her nudity. You may peep within.
The small hole in the door, brass-rimmed the hole, offers its view. A comely girl, dark haired and rich of curves, lies blatant on a bed, her legs apart. I, so remarking, quietly move aside. She is ever thus-would ever feign surprise. This is the one who needs the birch, my love. She has been rumpled, fallen on, discovered thus, yet ever struggles, cries for her Mama, weeps to the roofs.
The birch would tame her, do you think? Better that she were taken drunken from a ball, upended on the lawn, and put to it among the darkling shrubs, one upon another until her cunny weeped with sperm, the cocks impulsive spurting ever on.
This she might rue.
By no means, for thereafter she would be taken limp with tears to her own bed, stripped while she cried, and drawn between the sheets, her tits full swollen globing to his palms.
Subtly while she sobbed, her nipples sucked? Go on.
In subtlety would his beguiling be, cock throbbing to her thigh, knob brushed to bush. Coaxing his words as slow he urged it in, pinning her shoulders to the virgin sheets.
She would cry then more. Would she not cry?
In her mouth her openness and in her dell his prick. She would feel the burning of it as no other. I can hear his words now. Can you hear his words now? 'Come, my sweet, let us do it at last, cock to cunt and tongue to tongue. How oiled you are-how soft with others' spendings. Ah yes, part your legs wider'-for she can do no other with his thrusting, easing, urging in. Spurred by desire her bottom then would move, her arms enfold her conqueror at last.
Do you think so? Oh, do you think? How I love you, Laura, let us go within, take her between us, mouth to cunny, tongue to bottom lick.
It shall come in time. All shall come in time. Am I the mistress here, or you?
You will have me at sixes and sevens upon the matter if I am not careful. Do you not find ease and comfort here?
She expects me to enter upon Delphine. I lean against the door as though to bar her view. On the pier at Brighton there were new machines, bright red and green with slots that gaped for pennies. One inserts a coin and turns a handle slowly, peering through an aperture. Slits are seen through which, upon a drum, pass figures that in their passing animate. Thus Delphine appears to me in this instant. I fret for her, desire, know not what I am at.
Let us to my uncle first. I would not be surprised by him.
Have no fear. He is a little bound to his work, though who makes toil of whom is perhaps in question. Come.
Delphine stirs not. I peep again. She dreams of butterflies and summer days. I have stirred my thoughts lustfully about her, cream with a spoon. She is riches stored and put aside-a water-ice or yet a bonbon.
Along the corridor where the walls end a door faces us. A handle is turned. We enter upon boards covered with the meanest carpet, whose edges squeak of Time, uncaring feet. The furnishings are meagre and can scarce be called such. A divan to one side and to the other a wooden trestle such as is used for sawing logs. Across its centre hangs a cushion while, beneath, an iron bar runs as though to strut the legs.
My uncle there sits naked on a chair, high backed and wooden, plain of seat. Being gagged, he can do no more than stare at me. His thighs, calves, ankles bound, he cannot move. Protruding from his balls, his stalk waves thick. He has accompaniment of Susan and another-the pale one whom I saw in the marquee. Her stockings, boots are red, distasteful to my eyes. Susan, more virginal, wears a white chemise, silk stockings of a colour near to straw, and boots that buckle tightly to her knees.
His expression is purplish upon my entrance. Holding a feather, the pale one teases it about his balls.
Close the door.
Amelia's voice is low, fraught with excitement. Not being servitor, I do not move. She tuts and closes it herself.
He amuses himself thus occasionally, though you would not think so. In speaking she nudges me with eyes and elbow. My uncle shakes his head and looks away. I fear for his agitation, though feel none. The scene is as of pasteboard without depth.
Will one go upon him?
I have found my voice.
Susan shall. In a moment. Shall you, Susan-in a moment?
The girl stares, does not reply, as though she were uncertain of her being. Our glances cross as swallows darting.
Undress before him, Amelia. Would that not excite him even more? He has a taste for you-has much expressed it since we met.
I am the exhibitor, not the exhibited. Or would it excite you?
More than Susan upon him. She will not have the movement, though will appease him quick with spongy tightness. You, my pet, will leave his shaft erect, bursting to bubble yet frustrated in its straining.
Her eyebrows rise. She had not thought me to come so quickly upon the thought of it. Not being dunce, I can see the reason for the play, the teasing of the cock, deflation of his pride. It is an experience-I may one day learn- that other men desire, as do some females, put to feathering or dildo, on and on.
My cunny will be wet for your tongue if I do.
Yes.
My tone has no promise. Perhaps that is the promise of it. I have challenged, been received. Clicking her fingers, she brings Susan to her side, who buttons fumbles, ties unties, then strips her of her gown, chemise. Her drawers, split back and front, are a la mode, her stockings purple, patterned, drawn up tight.
Will you watch? Will you fondle me?
Go upon him, face to face. I shall tease your bottom with my finger.
Her buttocks wobbling, she approaches, straddles his thighs and parts the cotton gap where hides her nest. She has not bathed! I scent a muskiness. So am I never-ever with rose water applied.
Help put her down.
There is no need, she sighs. Her knees are bent. She looks absurd. The tendons in her ankles strain. Her thighs are mottled and displease.
There is more rope. More rope lies lying, close to the trestle where the cushion hangs. Groping, she presses his cock against her lips, sinks silent down, absorbing inch by inch the shaft, her large pale breasts thrust plump against his eyes. Gag-groaning then, he jerks and is full in, her bottom on his naked thighs ground down.
Caress me! If he comes I shall whip him. He knows better than to come.
Yes.
I move as a cat moves, out of sight of her, behind her bend and gather up the rope. The pale one stares and licks her lips, would speak but my eyes silence her.
Caress her breasts, Susan. Force your hand between since he cannot mouth them. How beautiful you look, Amelia. Hold still.
Put you finger right up-I beg you.
Of course, of course. I feel her rosette round, the marbled cheeks. She strains in readiness. Blank-eyed, sweet Susan charms with fingertips. She has the bright intelligence of birds. I dip my finger, making Amelia squirm.
Ooooh! Both of you-together-yes!
The moment is one of danger, but I have known moments of danger, intensities of excitement, footfalls on the stair, hand questing at a door, silent my puffing as the piston worked, the faint slap smack of flesh to flesh unheard beyond the guardian walls, eager to finish, eager not to end.
She must be beyond retreat before I cast the rope.
Rest your head to his shoulder, loop your arms about his neck-protrude your bottom more!
Yes!
She pants-is ill advised to pant, obeys, her bottom to my finger lewdly put. Her face is hid. That is the trick of it. Quick then I loop the rope about them both. Her cry-head jerks-but all is now too late.
Stop it! You dare! What are you at-what at?
Amelia, be quiet, my love. Do you not like such games? Tie the ends, Susan. Be strong at your task and I will bind their thighs!
No! I will not have it, Laura, no! Leave me not upon him-the beast will come!
As he may-as he may, my pet.
The pale one has not moved but gawking stands. I pass the other length of rope across their thighs, beneath the chair. She is secured as ever tar to feathers, birds to lime.
You will rob me-I know you will rob me!
Upon her cry the pale one edges to the door, is smacked, retreats.
Of what, Amelia, would I rob you? Have you a heritage save of sin? The servant will loose you later, upon midnight, upon my uncle's second coming.
I shall cry out, arouse the neighbourhood!
You will not. There is too much to be unfolded here, I think. Girls-come. Susan-close the door.
Aid me-ee-ee-eeh!
The door is closed, the pale one frets and stares. There will be trouble about it-I know there will be trouble about it.
Gather up your clothes, child. Go. Have you no wanderings to make, no journeys to complete or end?
I wanted to leave. She wouldn't let me leave. I ain't got no money to leave with. My sister at Walworth said she would take me in. You ain't going to whip me as she did?
To what end would I whip you?
I descend, drawing them down, as head girl to pupils. A rumpling, a rustling in a cupboard and the pale one is dressed. I put a sovereign to her hand. It will suffice her journey yet and more. Boards creak, doors thump, and she is gone, vagrant upon the night to some far shelter.
Let us have wine, Susan.
There are others, captive as I. Have you come to betray us to the world?
Her voice is gentle as I would suspect. The melons of her breasts press through the silk. Perhaps her mother once, upon purchasing it, folded it away, dusted it with lavender. I know the wooden drawers where such things hide, awaiting emergence, smooth to clothe, eager to drink when dirty, scrub of brush and sweet of soap.
You like white wine or red? I will pour it for you. There is one above-Delphine. I have seen only her. From the first you took my fancy. When you were put to it, were you stubborn, cried? Here-I have poured white for you; it will better suit your tongue. You may tell me your history later perhaps. I would have every word and strain of it, each hour of longing, languor, and despair. Where are you from?
Hereford. I am come not long here-was left to her disposal and return.
She has made pretty play with you. You are not so hard done by, perhaps. Will your mama greet you, your sisters kiss your cheek, your diaries be scoured for secrets?
I had none. I swear I had none!
Had you not? You have no need to fret. You have come, as all maidens do, to the lusting of the cocks.
You will not release her-let her down? If you do not release her, I may go. May I go?
Upon Hereford? Such a journey? In the night? The inns will be closed, the steam trains dormant. Those who issue tickets sleep. I shall put you up. Were you never put to it before?
Her face suffuses and she hides her eyes. The glass trembles like a sparrow in her hand. In sitting with her I encompass her shoulders, take her mouth, wine to wine, small whimpers at my lips.
I was birched for it, though lightly, yet would not.
Lightly? A play about your rosy bottom made? Lower your chemise-let me kiss your nipples.
May I go if I do? Oh, your touch!
Clasp not your thighs together so quickly. Let them part. What a prettiness is there, what plumpness and what curls! Issue your tongue a little 'twixt your teeth and let it come to mine. Ah, you are ardent with your lips! Do you not like the feel of it? Were you not fingered thus a little 'mid your birchings?
Yes. Was forced to part my thighs, display my nest- put to dark cupboards and my drawers drawn down. Amelia would not listen-she would not listen!
For what shall one listen, my pet? The pantings of breath, skitterings of shoes upon the boards? How hapless were you! Better to have let him juice you than cry out and raise the house in full alarm. Learn your discretions, wriggle your bottom, hold your thighs wide, let the cock enter and be done with it. In its pulsing your delight shall prove. Sperm-drops upon your nest-what matters to it?
Wide-eyed, I have her down, her legs at stretch. Her silky belly twitters to my touch.
Shall I let him? Should I let? Oh, he has a big one!
Minx! You have seen it? Did you not twiddle the knob, breathe your desires, fall back upon your bed, your drawers at droop and raising your chemise?
No! Yes! He almost put it in. Oh, what a lewdness you make of things between you all! I bit his hand, was birched again and fingered, cried out for Mama. Thunder rolled, for it was such a day, was almost then undone, clawed at the sheet and tried to crawl within. His hand clamped to my mouth, but then he came, raining of storm-sperm to my bottom-cheeks. Oh, at the telling of it I am shamed!
What moods you purvey! Have you learned the words from me or were they ever in your mind? There are others here. What of the others here?
I let her rise. The mood is gone from me. I am neither the player nor the play, but stand without. My aunt will send me notes and explanations, confitures and comfortings. I shall wear white again, shall comprehend the rose-ness of a rose, patter my feet upstairs and down, seek shade beneath the awnings, sun in winter.
We are coming, Laura, coming. Why came you not before?
Voices heard. I know the voices heard, one shuffled as within another-two who speak as one.
The door opens. The space beyond is betrayed.
Those who enter are the two in my drawing.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Here are the narrower lanes of Time and space. Do not touch the walls for they are but the shadows of the walls brushed by the shadows of the leaves that last year died. Here patience frets as moves a tiger in a cage.
Why did you not come before? Why not?
Hannah's question is repeated as I hail a carriage.
The road was devious-many were the turns, the windings and the seekings.
I have as yet no anchor to my speech. The words are cast and roll about like chessmen who have lost their way across the board. Her bottom, tight in cotton drawers, stirs in her waiting. I have made my dispersals, disposals-Susan to an aunt in Putney gone, Delphine released to lustful lassitude and feet-stabbed sheets, Amelia loosened from her bonds sufficiently to extricate herself.
You may come upon me in better circumstances.
Thus my last words to Amelia. Of my uncle I expect to see little or nothing again. He will lurk in woodlands, become old and dribble. My aunts will send across the fields to him cold meats, the later of the wines, forbid his entry to the house. On coming upon him in my ridings, I shall turn my horse's quarters to him, adjust my tricorne that unseeing, spur away.
Such are the defences one raises and yet often so lightly that a firm intruder-one steady of purpose, implacable, adventurous-may tread them down and come in his stridings over the fallen barriers. I would not run then but would lean against a tree, feeling for the bark with my fingertips as though it might protect me, for it growls silently in its roughness.
There are hauntings of recollections about me now. How firm and polished Hannah's bottom feels. I pass my hand across it and beneath as we enter the conveyance. Did I first feel and touch the stalk that probed her secrecy, her breasts loosed and wobbling? There was a moistness of mouth upon my palm, a gartered thigh thrust over on my own. So sandwiched between us, she received him first. Cups and saucers tinkled; there were voices. Perhaps these tinklings and these voices are part of some otherness. I do not know. As yet I do not know. The side of a chaise-longue rattled to a wall. In her strugglings. Her mouth opening, there was a greater wetness on my palm which I at first kept tight against her lips until I sensed him well embedded, planted up between her cheeks, ready to ream, and bringing lust to love.
Where are we to, Laura?
To that place where Charlotte danced and the lights flicker. Do you not recall?
My pawn is moved. I wait upon her answer.
Yes. It is the way we came before. Is it not the way we came before, circuitous, haunted by brazen speakings of desire? Mama would not have had it so had she but known.
What does she know, would know, has ever known? Was she not paltry in her watering of your whims, the nurturings of your endeavours, Hannah?
Mama is quiet-that is the truth of it-Mama is quiet. Is she not, Jane? Will you not speak?
I do not know-I do not know.
Jane twists her fingers, stares. I would have come upon her name. Perhaps I would. Circles of light and darkness turn.
The last time Hannah sudden speaks and clutches at my arm. If we go by the way we would have goneYes, Hannah, yes.
My mind is incomplete as yet. I enfold both with my arms about their waists upon the carriage seat. Their heads droop like lilies, to my shoulders droop. I kiss first one and then the other. A sweet tackiness upon Jane's lips intrigues. She was the first he had, perhaps. What did the woman in the bookshop say-in her sayings say? Time has whirled them here again like leaves.
The man in green livery was there. He waited there, I know he waited there, beyond the steps of the hotel. The horses of a carriage pawed the ground. Black-they were black-the harness silver.
Surprised by her own speech, Jane giggles, stares, is silent, chews her lip.
He was the groom. The one obedient in everything. Let us not go, Laura, let us not.
Hannah's fingers stab my arm.
There is no turning back nor fumbling forwards. We might avoid him for the night. Just for the night. Let our secrets issue in the night and when we are come upon the morning so will our eyes be brighter for it. You were ever at hope's rising in the mornings, early on the lawn, the horses waiting.
I kiss Jane again. Yes, a tackiness as if of sperm scarce dried. She has perhaps more mischief in her than I now recall. I would pass my hand beneath her skirt, but a bed awaits us.
Driver, we will enter the hotel by the rear.
As you wish, Miss. Ill have to go round in that case by Coram Street.
Hannah's hand is to my hand, Jane's hand to mine. We are come upon adventures, upraisings, undoings. They are both of then, and both of now, as I. We attain at last the porters' entrance at the rear, the bold plain doors through whence the servants pass. With some difficulty we attain my suite. The drawing comes immediate to their eyes, perched as it is upon the mantelpiece. It is not yet!
Hannah exclaims, steps back, then peers again. Hannah, do not wail, you silly. All things are such as they are and all things shall surely be as they shall be, for so Papa taught me. Let us to bed, for there we may cuddle and sleep comfortably, may we not?
A knock discreet and well tapped sounds. Jane to the bedroom runs. Hannah in hesitation stands.
It is the groom! Send him away, if he it be. You said not yet, not yet, not yet.
I go imperiously, unlatch the door. A servant, drab and crafty in his look, regards my eyes that mirror nothing to him.
A carriage downstairs, Miss.
Yes? There are many carriages downstairs.
One as awaits you, Miss, and your visitors.
What do you know of visitors and carriages? My door is to be locked now for the night.
Then I won't know what to say, Miss.
Perhaps you have never known. There are ever people as unfortunate as you. Hannah laughs-a sound of relief upon my closing of the door, the turning of the key. What a small thing a key is that it can enclose a world, make tight the walls and leave the windows free. Shall we then stay? We shall, we shall! She rushes to me, would embrace. Was it so in our beginnings? I know the music and the haunting bars. Only the words are lost. A wind long came and swept them all away. If I muse, though, in finding Hannah's lips. If I muse and seek the wetness, coiling back of tongue, then urgency of orb to loose the penis-probe, eject it from its haven, if I do.
Let us to bed, my love. Have we not so much to remember? Jane, are you undressed?
I am in bed, yes. Will you not come?
Hannah stays me in my passage. I remember now how brown her nipples are.
Were we here before, Laura-here before?
Of course? When were we not? What entertainments, jollities, there were! We shall pass the hedges again where the May-blossoms flowered. The dust of the lanes will rise and fall again, churned by the wheels of carriages when there are parties, assemblies, receptions, congregations of minds.
It was at one such!
Her hand goes to her mouth. She has recalled. I in my turn can only probe.
Inebriation is a wickedness, my pet. You were sufficiently so to have your drawers removed. Where did Jane dally, and where Mama? I have forgotten. Only upon that occasion I have forgotten.
It is not yet, not yet! If we take another carriage, enter not the selfsame roads and lanes-if we do.
The drawing is immutable-it signals Time not come or Time yet passed.
I was older then. Jane was the mischief of it. If she had not let him, did not let.
Even so, you were proud to be fondled before she was ridden. Eyes liked orchids watched amid the fronds. Bold of bottom and sticky yet between your thighs were you fondled. Garters of blue. Do you remember your garters of blue? In the fine lambent light of the conservatory, the panes of glass milky or clear, your skirt raised, his hands assuaged your thighs while yet you strained your neck away, the tendon taut, a blush upon your cheeks.
I knew not how to fend him off, nor what to say.
You were as one transfixed. So are some females who would thus invite. When you were to the stable led, upon a bale put down and fondled. The groom-yes, he-silent and mindful of his duties held your legs apart, your hand to your master's breeches drawn. The crotch of your drawers showed. It was ever to be voluntary, but you would not have it so, turning and crying, twisting all about. It was ever to be voluntary, Hannah.
I did not want.
Her eyes sulk.
Why do you not come? She is a story! Jane cries out.
Are we not all?
I make my merriments, draw Hannah with a smile within. Betwixt pomegranates and small melons, Jane's hillocks gleam above the sheet. I undress swiftly. Hannah doubtful stands, then follows suit. We are naked all and in the bed embrace, I tight between the two.
When you were first, Jane, was it nice?
Oh, shush! You did not see, you did not see.
Come, little minx, let me feel your bottom. When there is no one to see, when there is no one to see, is it not the nicest of the nice? Hannah was foolish-dragged to the chaise-longue, she kicked and was held.
That was at tea and I was not drunk! Oh, I shall not repeat that, not!
Hannah would rise from the bed, but I hold her, am upon her, clasp her wrists and roll about and hold her tight to me.
Put your finger in her bottom, Jane, for that she ever liked.
Noooo!
The sheets are twisted, wreathed and writhed about. She kicks, would kick against my calves as once of old she kicked. I grasp her hair. She screeches, owl-cries, jerks her hips. Cuddled tight behind her, Jane in-dips and delicately probes her puckered rose.
Put out your tongue now, Hannah, put it out. Into my mouth. O sweet your darling mouth, suck on my tongue.
She burbles, twists, rebellions are put down. Legs jerk, a mist of perspiration here and there as, cupped, her quim soft pulses on my palm and Jane her urgent, eager digit works. So we are come now to the matter of the moment-moment of the matter.
Hannah-relax, relax, relax.
I did not want to, do not want! Ah-ooh, her finger! Take it out!
You will take bigger by far again and soon-maybe on the morrow. If you are good I will unfold the time, delay the action, twist the hands of clocks, scatter rose leaves as we ofttimes did and seek Mama as chaperone. Shall it then be so?
Ah yes, if you but will, but will! Delay the moment and belay desire. Turn his desire about-ah! oooh!
She is coming, Jane. Her cunny pulses eager on my palm as ever then it did, his pestle moving slow between her cheeks as once it did 'twixt yours.
Mmmm! Yes! I was not, though, as she, not she. He laid himself between my thighs and came upon my belly white. I did not kick my legs as she, not when I felt his knob between my lips. Pushed gently in, I felt my titties swell. His pumpkin-pounder threshed me all the night- gurgles and moans of lust he came and came.
The moments are ever too brief, yet all moments are eternal moments and so are linked in chains.
I philosophise so even as Hannah spurts. A trickle-tingle on my moving hand. My palm is smeared, oiled with her muchness, hapless as it is. Coagulation of desires, coagulation of tongues. Reaching my face over Hannah's shoulder, I bring Jane's mouth to mine. Small is her mouth and quickly sleeks her tongue. My breasts to Hannah's squashed, our nipples rub. I will have them put to perfect lathers in their time, soaped shall be their quims with sperm and oiled their cheeks. Workings of mystery are here, yet all when shredded of enclosing thoughts are but simplicity.
You will obey now, Hannah!
Oh, God, Ma-Ma, dear heavens, save me!
What a mischief she made of it and what a tittle-tattle would have been!
So Jane laughs while Hannah sighs, rolls, falls inert. Her belly quivers. In her comings. I stroke it gently and would have it still. He came not between her thighs, so I believe. Her bottom-poking was her punishment for coyness all too often shown. Mine was my benediction.
Change the time, change the time.
Her voice is but a sigh of scuttling leaves, the summer flashing of the lightning, seen, not felt.
Shush, Hannah, let me stroke you there. There-is that not soft and gentle-nice? Who was the maid? A shadow quick has crossed my mind. I have forgotten who, would seek her name.
Would seek her name? Charlotte! You know of her, have spoken of her dancing here. Does she not dance here still? She-oh she-tongue in my mouth while once he held my wrists, laughing, and stood behind me.
You were to learn to kiss, silly-ever pouting of cunny-lips in summer to receive.
He would not put it there. She mumbles to my mouth. Ever he said he would not put it there. Charlotte then put my hand to him. I cried out and escaped.
Not far, not far. You fell upon the grass. Up with your skirt and you were held. What a fluster they were upon you-and Mama to market gone! Turned over, you were birched with seized-up twigs and cried for it.
Did not, did not! Charlotte knelt up and held me round the waist. He, pressing on my calves, belaboured me until my poor cheeks burned as fire. All were in league against me-all!
The scene comes clear-as water when it stills reveals reflections to the seeing eyes.
Then you were brought within and while the ladies watched were put to him.
On the chaise-longue and, yes, you held me-oh! Turn back the time, undo then his desiring!
Pouf! What a fuss you made of it! Were your cheeks not fuller, richer, plumper from his sperm? Admired, you moved your hips by day, by dusk, made fingers quiver, put the pricks a-tingle. Mama-remarking that your bustle seemed fuller-you but smiled.
Ho! That was after-this is now before. I do not have to do it all again, do not!
Sleep, my love, and let your dreams revise your errant thoughts. Jane, come upon me, bring your belly warm to mine. Hold well your legs apart.
Hannah snuffles, sighs, and rolls apart. Not part of us, she lies apart.
It is all true. Is it not all true? I shall be younger now, perhaps shall giggle.
So Jane, warm to my warmth, her soundings breaths. We are come upon a mystery, yet must still our minds. In this Papa was right, for now within my mind no Time does move.
Perhaps you did. Such sounds could be enchanting. Devils of enchantment come disguised as angels.
And angels come disguised as devils of enchantment.
Our cunnies rub. My eyes become her eyes, my hands her hands. We are lost now under the snow of it, white-heat delirium.
Be lost with me, be lost with me, be lost.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Father said once that one should be as wood or stone, regarded and yet not, unregarding and yet not.
You sermonise but do not know the lesson, my aunt said to him, though there were threads of laughter in her voice for sometimes she chided him upon his speakings and then Papa would confess such failures of communication as he felt accountable for, adding-perhaps with a touch of awkwardness in his voice-that one should communicate without words. That it is easy to do so by smiles or frowns or noddings of the head, I understood, but could no further immerse myself in what he intended and so, as often, let it slide from my mind, though like the morning journey of a snail it left a glittering upon my thoughts, a small ground radiance of belief in his deep understandings.
At the coming of morning, the groom stands motionless outside. I view him in my passing through the foyer where the swing doors stand and London growls its wakening to the world.
Breakfast is taken amid a twittering of thoughts, a whiteness of linen, sparklings of china and gleamings of silver. One has an attachment to such things. Hannah and Jane fidget, are come upon apprehensions.
We have no baggage. Mama might think it strange that we have no baggage, Jane avers.
She is younger now than in the night, the effervescence of her belly-heat diminished.
It is of no matter, Jane. One's possessions are one's possessions. They may not be taken without receipts, notes, documentations. There are laws upon such matters, surely. You were ever exact, seeking attitudes upon such matters, Laura.
Does it not become one so to be, Hannah? Let us not dally overlong. Once over the Thames, the world will come clearer to us. The sky is higher there.
The groom touches his hat upon our appearance-a gesture mechanical and born of servitude. His clothes are old yet new yet ageless, like his face. I have forgotten his name. Hannah reminds me that it is Jervis. The name sounds as his attire looks. In our passage we take the same route that I took with my uncle to Epsom. The girl who stood with a pail beyond a cottage door regards me yet again. Her simple dress is unchanged. She seeks neither retreat nor advancement nor adventure but ever waits. I wave to her. She turns her back on me. We have quarrelled once perhaps and I am left still unforgiven. I must come upon her again on my return, seek explanations, explications, simplicities of understanding.
We are too hot-or with the windows down-become dusty. Travel by carriage is ever so. I do not ask about trains. In all truth I have forgotten the route. It may come clear to me upon seeing the bridge that was spoken of with Charlotte, yet I think the bridge was before, before this time and in another time.
In a low-ceilinged tavern at mid-morning Hannah laughs a difficult laugh and rubs her boots upon the sawdust floor.
We have nothing to say!
What is to say? Upon arrival we shall take lemonade and small cakes on the lawn. Our linen will be changed. There will be comfortings. Let us bathe together in the same water, one upon another.
I shall be first! Let me be first.
Yes, Jane, you shall be first. Wear a white dress with pink ribbons. I would have you look angelic. Hannah, we shall be as sisters again, wear blue or brown. He ever liked our legs in brown.
I wish not to know of it, Laura. Are we not too young?
We shall see. It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. Thus my father taught me from the Chinese wisdoms.
I do not know the meaning of that.
Hannah so replies, looks pettish, but understands fully. I know her little tricks, her deviations. She has not forgotten Jervis, who, forbidden though to look, held her legs apart and stared ahead, hands strong at ankles that were mutinous.
Within a further hour we are come upon our destiny. And now I remember. I remember now the leaning of a Cyprus tree, the yawning of a hedge, carved stags upon the columns to the gates black in their ironness.
We have no need to go through the house.
Hannah in descent stares all around. Two gardeners lazy move and pluck at weeds.
If you do not wish, Hannah, if you do not wish. Let us go by the side gate, for they will have heard our coming. In this quiet.
Once in the hall was Hannah seized, as I recall. There were times when this was not thought untoward, dependent on the hour, the mood, the sun, swillings of wine, and carelessness of thoughts. We had returned, all of us returning, coming from some country ride, neither solemn nor mirthful, the rooms waiting as rooms wait. It was known perhaps that Hannah would be taken that morning, for she had been wilful at breakfast and had sat sloppily in her saddle, her bottom rumptious, and rebellions in her eyes. In the hall, in the very passings and passagings of our arrival, had she been seized, mouth clamped, into a cupboard hustled. The others, unregarding, swept within the drawing room, dispensing hats and cloaks, calling for sherry. From the hall had come bustlings and thumpings so that Hannah's mama with a frown had closed the door.
We ate wine fingers, I recall-slim biscuits flat or round and flavoured in their making with milk and Nuits St. Georges. Charlotte and II do not recall that she was ever a servant but was sometimes other-passed them in and out of our lips and smiled, for cupboardings were frequent and at mid-morning when the blood was up were particularly lusty, a man's genitals being excited by friction on the saddle. The cupboard was adjacent to the drawing room though being separated not only by the wall but by a partition within the cupboard itself so that there was a hollow place between. This acted however as a form of echo-chamber, for there was a split in the partition itself and so ghost noises were emitted to us.
Sucking upon our wine biscuits, which were crisp and made so to be eaten, and frequently licking at the tips, we heard on that occasion Hannah's gasps and I knew her to be upon a padded bench made of a purpose so narrow that her legs would hang down on either side of it while he-balancing himself upon its middle-would be well shafted up into her cunny and so hold her perfectly corked.
I, being to the rescue finally, found her still reclining with the pale of her belly showing, her thatch well moistened, one garter loosed and a blear of tears in her eyes, which I disregarded. The cupboard, being some eight feet long by four wide, was not a tidy place nor was meant to be. Old walking sticks and a broken umbrella stood in one corner. When a young woman was taken in there for the first time, her drawers were frequently left lying in a corner for a maid to retrieve, though one or other of us took upon ourselves this chore lest it otherwise look unseemly.
The picture such comes clear to me. Hannah lied when she said she was not mounted thus but ever her bottom pestled. She fears still to go through the house at mornings, yet I sense that being ridden in this way had a certain attraction for her.
Were you not wilful of a purpose, Hannah?
I halt her in her going. Jane has run ahead. The side gate swings and squeaks.
I shall not be again. Teach me the avoidances! We are not yet come upon it, are we? Not yet, not yet!
They will be waiting for us.
The side gate squeaks again and we are come upon them. Green paint on the conservatory peels and hesitates, is guilty in its severance from the wood. Some panes of glass are milky still. A table there within where Hannah lay is covered now with flowerpots, dust of loam. She had her legs apart and wore white stockings that are not yet woven. Or they lie in wait for her, secreted under lavender and silk.
You have not taken long, then-not too long!
Their mama waves in greeting. Jane perches for a moment on her father's lap, then sprawls upon the grass, is indolent.
Are you well, Laura?
He rises, then. Our hands would touch. The space is not yet here to touch.
She has a slight pallor about her, Ewart-should seek the shade.
Agnes was ever a kind lady. I ever knew her so to be. I believe she is Agnes. Her eyes are boutiful, fulfilling of all things. She is at times the wood or stone of which my father spoke. Her smile is lined with velvet and her words with love.
I am well. We would bathe. May we bathe?
Together? What a splendid chance of thought! You do not ask, you never need to ask. Have someone tell the maid. Will someone tell the maid?
A vagueness takes her and she looks about. The shrubs stare, stir their leaves, whisper of otherness.
I will tell her, Mama.
Jane rushing, ever rushing now, is gone. A door bangs. Agnes frowns and claps her hands as though both in despair and merriment.
She is still a child! Would not eat her breakfast. I know not what will become of her.
She will eat her lunch, my dear. Fresh from her bath, she will eat her lunch.
So her papa chuckles. His thoughts contain my breasts, my thighs. Perhaps there will be a peephole into the bathroom whereby he might see. I am roguish to such fancies, yet would not be. I shall examine the walls, make soundings at the door.
Perhaps in the night What shall we do today, Mama?
Hannah moves in her enclosures, folds the air about her. Careful, delicate, she touches not a chair, a hand, an arm.
What do we ever do, my pet, but discourse on the usefulness of life, preparations for pleasure, readings from the classics, peckings of embroidery? Papa means to buy you horses, did you know?
No-I did not know.
Her glance takes his in, wondering, then drops. She paws the ground as might her future stallion.
We shall to the fair on Thursday, then? Shall we go to the fair to choose them?
I intervene within a narrow gap of thoughts, intentions not made plain or crumpled up.
He smiles. There is no hurry upon the matter. They have yet to learn to ride, may do so on my own before they take to theirs. Is that not the best solution to the matter?
Hannah converses now with her mama, parting the shield of air about her, entering on the newness of the day. What shall we do today, Mama, what shall we do today? I turn-the moment is propitious, I believe. Accompanied by her papa, close the doors. Our isolation is perceived and known. The chatter in the garden chatters on. A breeze idles through the trees but will not look. It knows its placings, its discomfitures.
Laura, I shall bathe in turn after you. Leave the water.
If you so wish. Will Agnes stay upon the lawn?
If I so wish.
Our lips merge, melt-our tongues intrude.
You ever changed your linen first, Laura.
Yes. You never kissed me thus before, your hands beneath my skirt. Pray do not fondle too high. I am moist from journeys there.
Moist between your cheeks and moist before. Let me but feel you lightly through your drawers. How bulbous will your bottom mound into the bath! What perfumes you will leave!
You intoxicate yourself with your imaginings. I in my turn might say how rich your cock will be with sperm and spendings. Did you teach me to talk thus? I have never talked thus! Tell me I have not!
Lewd in your fancies and ever by day a lady-would you have me say this? It is true. Did not the others follow when you beckoned, sparkling of bush, your lovelips thickly dewed?
Charlotte brought her tongue to me. I recall now. Over the sofa's edge and I was held.
What is to forget? No more than what is to remember. When there were huntings of girls, shy the fillies, then you ever led. Calm in your commandings, you saw to their strappings, the bleatings quick subdued, the legs spread wide. When there were cozenings and comfortings to be done, you saw to it, whimperings of wildness put down, the velvet of your lips assuaging. I have seen you docile at the fire by dusk with angels on your eyelids, yet have seen you wild as flames, your bottom squirming to the penis thrusts.
I giggle, cannot help myself; the time is all wrapped-in, yet lies about as might cloth unfolded after many years.
You said once that I bubble like a stew.
I make my voice a baby-voice as he would wish.
Bubbling and wriggling, was that not ever the lure of you? Jane is unclothed by now. You had best attend her.
Shall you play stallion to the fillies, then?
I am filled with laughter even as a room is filled with music. There is comfort here, the music heard, unheard. He frowns a little. It is not the time. Hannah enters, followed by Mama. I, quick released, obtain an attitude of waiting.
Is there linen clean? Chemises, drawers?
Agnes is at the bustle, enters the hall and then ascends.
Oh, Laura, Hannah, hurry! The water grows less warm.
Jane's shrilling trill descends. The time unfolds, the time unfolds. The bathroom-an immensity of space whose fireplace waits for winter-draws us in. Splashings and laughter, fumblings, foolishness.
Mama said we would speak of ordinary things, sit upon the five-barred gate, prepare for picnics. Mama will chaperone us.
Yes, Hannah, yes.
How dull she is! Jane laughs and frills the water with her hands, the first to sit within. I enter, poised between her legs, embrace her to the lapping of the warmth. My titties nudge her mouth, she licks the tips, drawing the nipples up to sweet brown points while Hannah will not look and will not look.
Come, kneel, Jane. Move your bottom up and down within the water's weight as I do mine. How nice it feels, the surging to our cunnies! Now, Hannah, come within- oh, do but try!
I cannot. How foolish of you. What kissings you make!
Our lips will be the more ruby for it and our breasts the harder. You shall not spoil today, my love, or I will have you whipped. Come, Jane, she is a spoilsome thing, and she the elder! Have your splash then, Hannah, and retire.
Hereafter your papa will take the water. Drawers and chemises will suffice until you find your rooms. Draw up your stockings well and keep them taut.
I would stay with you, Laura, until the lunchbell sounds.
You may not stay with me, Hannah. You know the way of it-the teachings are prescribed. Each must make ready for her future fate.
I shall lock my door then.
You will get no benefit from that. Have you forgotten there is still a waiting time? Did I not promise? Out with you, dry yourself and go. In your walking move your bottom well. Such things are looked for. Roll your hips a little but not overmuch.
I will not, shall not!
Face crimson, she departs. Jane, loathe to move, receives my fingers at her bottom's bulge.
Powder it, my pet, that it may be scented, polished to the touch.
Yeth. I shall not lock my door, I promise not.
One kiss, my love, and I shall make your cunny tingle for it all the more. In crossing and uncrossing your legs when you sit today, take care to do so slowly that your stockings hiss of all that lies above.
So am I mistress sudden of this realm? A clock chimes deep below, is resonant takes comfort from its sound.
Agnes is to some seclusion gone, changing her gown, errant in wardrobes. She will brush Charlotte's hair or Charlotte hers. Their breasts will be reflected in a mirror. Oiled is the surface of the water with our leavings. His balls will float in it, his stem stiffen. Hemispheres of bliss will in his dreams plump down upon his knob.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I know my room. Whence do I know my room? Ivy at the walls. The ivy that will listen. A rose garden below, its walls tawny with a splendour of old age. There below a gardener snuffles. I rode once on his back, his leather jerkin rubbing to my crotch. I was fourteen then. There were memories made of it.
Hannah said I should not do it for my knees showed. Her mama replying that all indecencies were not such, I drew my skirt higher but was then struck across my brow by a small branch and cried. Much fuss was made of me. Hannah's papa, carrying me within, laid me on the selfsame sofa where I was yet to be mounted, made careful play of my thighs with his fingers, and kissed my nose with such playful passion that his lips ofttimes brushed my own. I believe this was my first understanding of such matters, for I felt with my knee the upward stemming of his stalk and gave a little jump at that, he laughing and moving his coat to cover it.
Well in this known and unknown world do I remember the laying down of Jane upon a Christmas night, carried in laughter to her room and there the closing of her door. Through the keyhole I saw but a blur of legs. My forehead tapped the panels, moist at wood. Being heard, known, sensed-indeed, perhaps anticipated-I was drawn within. Wine was on our lips, there were sparklings of the night, the woods and fields beyond dark in their waiting for the humankind to come again.
Merry she was. Her mouth, a pussycat, slurred to my mouth. Gently between us were her drawers eased down despite her fretful kicks and wonderments. I cupped her breasts, felt for her nipples hard, gliding my hand within her loosened gown, hiding her face to his as low she moaned and-flustering-heard trousers quick descend.
Must not, must not, Mama will come!
Shush, baby, shush-all shall be well. Have you not seen him stark before, stiff in his ridings?
How warm the innerness of her sweet thighs, tops of her stockings rolled and ridged to fingers sleek!
While I caressed her there, he watched. Her anguished eyes saw then his balls and cock. She stared, mouth open, while I teased her quim, then-twitching, jerking as she was-brought her with soothing care full under him. Majestic did his brawny buttocks toil. Slow in, slow out, he eased his long, thick tool, probing her nest with liquid fire, both trembling in an agony of bliss.
Perfervid my imagination runs before, as children run in parks when summer glows and ancients frown and stir their withered limbs, dry under wrappings of despair. I shall become middle-aged and haunt the rooms of alchemists of gold, clockmakers, jewellers, turners of fine wood. I shall collect rings, lockets, baubles, mirrors cracked with Time, brown at the edges, potlids, watercolours of the rural scenes. I shall have paintings within which birds shall move, flitting from bough to bough, and then are still again. Only upon my comings will they fly. Others may remark their different dispositions. I, affecting not to notice, will say such things are known to happen.
Statues stir. Perdita once stirred in the rain. Father, whom I called to see, said it was but a trick of light and water, whereat I grew moody, said she had a soul. He laughed. We quarrelled upon that, though not so mindfully that he might not kiss my brow betwixt our arguments, snuffling his mouth within my darkling hair.
I asked him did a cat not have a soul?
What is the soul that you may separate it from the mind? Does a cat then, Laura, have a mind? This mind of yours is all within and all without. It pervades all, yet moves not. In this grey mass within our craniums is but seen a brain. Such cats have, too, and yet no mind for they perceive not their own being.
At that I became wilful, cross, and wished immediately to bathe, as I often did when moody. Being prevented, however, and pinioned as it were to the moment, I replied that this was one thing that no one could know, for cats came to my call and knew their names.
When a twig snaps, a cat looks up, Laura, though it does not know the cause nor yet the meaning of the snapping but only hears the sound. Were a cat to be conscious of its being, have a mind, then it would be conscious of abstraction, abstract thought, and so perhaps write poetry or draw a pattern with its paw in dust.
My aunt then asked, Where is the cat now? at which both laughed, though I comprehended not such foolishness and, going to Perdita, kissed her feet and begged forgiveness for my father's words.
There is a silence here-a paleness of no-sound. I break it as a twig-open a drawer. I have felt the smoothness of this pine chest here before. Within lie stockings that I have not worn, chemises not yet rumpled up in lust. I search for notes as one should always search. Such, I believe, lie all about the world, hither and thither, in their waiting. There are none from father, aunts, or grandmama. All are gone before or gone after. The wind cried for her. Perhaps her sari moves about the sky, is now a cloud.
He is not long at his bathing. I hear the slurpings of the water, guzzlings of the pipe. His own will be stiffened harder now than iron, laved by the waters of his wild desiring, knob emergent, veins at stand. I fumble, idly search, would scour the wood. Beneath chemises, chokers, ruffled garters, lies a ring. It fits my second finger warm, as if worn just before. Three emeralds surmount it in a trinity. The gold is close enlaced with fine raised lines.
The door opens and Charlotte enters. I perhaps expect her. She wears a simple dress of blue that might become a servant on a holiday.
You have your ring then, Laura, you have found it. I knew you would. He will attend upon you in a moment.
This I know.
I turn my back to her. My voice is still and yet my shoulders quiver. She laughs, embraces me, my bottom to her belly pressed.
It will be nice again, the three of us, the four of us, the five of us, the six of-yes?
There was no bridge-no stone bridge as you said. I wriggle round within her arms and feel her nipples peeking up to mine.
That were near the mill house, and the vicarage beyond-not here, not here. If we come to that again-I do not know if we will come to that again. Too stuck up by half you were, kicking of your legs.
You said I was good, was dutiful. I sulk.
Sometimes you were, sometimes were not. Three or four abed you liked. Said then your eyes were hidden, but there were lamps always.
They gave some warmth! I needed then the warmth. No fire lit, he said, for the bad state of the chimney.
I mumble, would recover, but she has me tight.
Ha! You and your la-de-dah ways about chimneys, fires, and lamps! Cold was your bottom often when put up to him, but soon it warmed. How's the master going to do you, eh? How going to-same as before?
Why? Shall you watch? Pray, do not watch.
I am become as Jane on Christmas night. And yet I watched, and yet I watched, until I to her eyes became a blur, bumping of bellies, wrigglings of her bottom. A jerk, a sigh, she quivered and went under him, upgliding of it twixt her lovelips tight.
You and your larkiness, Laura! I loves to see you give a little jerk. You always gives a little jerk when it goes in.
I don't!
I laugh, am proud to give my jerk, drawing in the plumlike knob until the sleek tube's gripped within my rim, and all is pleasure then and pleasure known.
The air shimmers of a sudden. Voices die. The sun is dimmed, the morning is as dusk. The floorboards growl and roll, are still again.
Be still, be still, there is nothing but the waiting now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
When there is stillness there is plentitude. When there is movement passions reign.
So once my aunt conveyed to me.
There are two delights of the senses, Laura. The one is spiritual, the other is voluptuous. The former is of this world, yet not. The latter is earthy, earthly, fundamental to our beings in this worldly form. Of the voluptuous you may choose between eating, drinking, and libertine play. Be not sparing in the last, for here rivers, oceans, streams, and sparklings of delight. Have no reservations or the rhythm will be broken and the time undone.
Having yielded myself often by then, I asked how I might so yield myself to all unearthly things.
In silence where all plentitude obtains. Have no movement and be mindful of your breathing. Our earthly world is made of thoughts, perceptions through the lenses of the eyes that ever ill-obtain reality. Be not surprised at this for it is true. Once you have stilled your mind completely all phenomena are gone.
I would be blind then, would I not, dear aunt?
No, my love, for in the seeing of no-seeing all is seen, not with fretful, passion-muddied thoughts but as a mirror sees. A deaf man blows a trumpet in an empty desert. When there is no one to hear, where is the sound?
It is here, father said, then blew an imaginary trumpet.
Such japes were played on me, though yet to guide my mind. Surrounded by all things, I pass the memories by. Groping at smoke, I seek to find the flames.
Now the room is still, the room is still, the light returns again and Agnes enters drably clothed in black. Her hair is drawn back tight into a bun. Jade earrings dangle from her lobes. Her eyes are mindful of us both. Charlotte steps back, the sunlight on her face renewed.
Are you not at your business, girl, errant in wardrobes, chasing dust with brooms?
Yes, ma'am. She scuttles out, we are alone.
Are you not the mother here?
A querulousness has seized me. I remark the station of her dress, pawned once or twice perhaps, put on again. Grey her underwear and grey her face.
Would you be ever mothered, then? All wish to be. A fine time I has of it with Hannah, Jane, ever a smacking of their bottoms, puttings up and puttings down. Are your limbs sleek, your bottom tight, your stockings full up-drawn? Has she brushed you? Brushed you up between your thighs and fluffed you up there nice? Come-show me, girl.
I part my thighs, push down my drawers, the cotton banding tightly to my knees. She hasn't done you, has she? Hannah's done, and all prepared amid her snivellings. Time she was up, about, and on her horse, bare of bottom to the saddle's rim, waiting in woodland rides, the air cool at her cleft. Was it not said so?
I do not know. I brood, look down.
The time is clear undone. Dust dances at my well-shod feet, the little fairies of my childhood days.
She is prepared, but he will have you first. Bend over well and draw up your chemise. Floating in the bath your bottoms proud indeed, and him at mercy to your succourings! Show up your cleft full now, your drawers well down. He likes your feet entrapped. If he comes first in you, I won't doubt your silence on the matter. Well trained, was you-made to stir your hips, wriggle your bum well and press it in?
How vulgar you are! There were never speakings.
Slapped, I am turned, bent over, and put down. Rustling of drawers that to my ankles pool. The bed drapes now are blue, yet once I knew them cream, black stockings ever worn and garters tight.
If he has you turn and turn about, it were never of my doing, Laura, never was. I likes to see you proud up for it, though. Your bum fair gleams, is white as snow. Hell snuffle first his knob in, hold it there, as ever was. You know that.
Yes.
Cream and jelly there'll be for tea, buns and butter, butter at your lips. Dip your back, girl, more-present it full. If wet of knob he comes, he goes in easier. Master- here! She is prepared for you.
I do not hear him come and yet he comes. I sense his nakedness, his stiffened staff.
Be out with you, about with you, Agnes, and do not watch!
She cackles, the door rattles, she is gone. I breathe more softly now, extend my orb and feel his finger titillate my quim.
Gently were you strapped at first?
No-ever hard.
So it should be, quick to Perdition led, the cork put in and wonders of you made. Hot arse up to his loins, your thighs full held.
Yes.
There is crudeness here. Must I indulge in it? Shimmering with lust, his finger moves, explores my apertures, my ever-readiness. When my aunt held me, but she did not hold me. If she had held me, ah! I quick am slapped.
Jellied, is it not, but firm! Were you tickled up, made fond of first?
No.
I lie, I lie. Once in the garden in the dreaming sun, my thighs explored, my lips to pillage put, tickling of fingertip against my crotch and moisture on my brow and 'twixt my legs. I jerked and dreamed, sought with a hand both bold and shy the hardening of his cock. When he panted, coming in his trousers, panting, ahFaintness of lips then weaker on my own, and brushed by leaves I ran and hid myself, trembling of limbs, and watched his wet patch spread, Adonis crumpled on the yielding lawn.
You lie, you lie.
He brings the strap to me, once, twice, then hard across my orb until I bleat but leave untold my dreams, close-folded my confessions so he cannot see, nor read a word or line of them.
Nel' mezzo del camin di nostra vita It is not yet, it is not yet, dark drawing of the woods about me, paths that lead to empty clearings, broken boughs. AH-OOOOH! I gasp within myself and feel the burning of the leather's sting. My hips weave, sway, out-push and yield again, the heat blurs, ravaging my globe, and spreads.
Bend your knees a trifle, Laura-more! The pose is seemly for a girl on heat. How ridged in waiting do the lips become, as if extending nether mouth to kiss! Brazen yet modest, such becomes you ever. Rotate your bottom more-come to the strap!
Neee-ynnnng!
I let my cry mew out, yet muffle it. Agnes at her knitting downstairs sits. I hear the clicking of her needles fast, grope for the days that long are rolled away and put as painted canvases behind a door.
On the bed now with you, Laura, legs apart, drawers off, knees bent and hands behind your head, upon your back.
It was not so, it was not so! I cry, am quick put down and mounted fast, his pestle at my mortar probing in.
Ever was it so, my love, for you would have it so, tickle of hairs and nosing flesh to flesh. Protrude your tongue and let me suck it in. There should be wine upon your lips, more wine.
I wriggle, gasp, would cry, am Jane berserk. My wrists are gripped, deep in the pillow pressed, his legs like tree trunks strong between my own.
Your garters are tight, girl, as befits you-bottom hot and sleek. Work slowly now and let it enter in, quiver of being to the stem's explosion.
Nooo-hoooo!
My cry is softer now. He has it in. Two inches, three, within my sealskin slit. Burring of hairs to hairs and bottom cupped, cheeks drawn apart, our tongues and lips hot-lap. Bed jolts, the ceiling swirls, embedded tight. I stammer, cry and sob and cling to him. Blub-blub I babble like a baby now, tighten my cheeks and suck his penis deep.
That is better, that is better-better, Laura, better, raise your legs and twine them fast about me. Ah! Silk your stockings, spider's weave of wonder, how they grip. Bounce up and down while it slews in and out.
Do not come too soon, too soon, oh, do not come! Do you love me, say you love me-love!
Never was love but in this deep desiring. Moist of quim you ever were and hot your eyes, your bottom rolling to the finger's touch, suave your thighs and coy but ever parted. Cream at your lips and cream about your bush.
Pump faster, pump! Oh, give me all!
My cry out-wailing hears its own despair. I am become another, not myself. My belly tightens, spurts, my quim explodes. Shower upon shower, my dreams are in my spendings. Soaked his balls and oiled his daring cock. Yet would I jolt with him and jolly jolt, my eyes blind to the day, the world around, the waiting of the others up and down, secret in rooms, their hands clapped to their ears.
He comes. The gasps, the groans, the croaks. Men are ever ugly in their doings, ever so. The scenery rolls back. I lie inert, sucking upon his sperm until he's done; faint twitchings of his cock and then he's spent.
Here is the end of it or the beginning. They come to comfort me who do not know my sins. My legs extend. I, limp as puppet lie, tremblings of belly, wet between my thighs. He, rising, dangling, swinging, looks absurd, tree without roots, a wind in wandering.
A calmness takes me. I will dress, put order in the house, take names of servants, list the wines, beware of pilferings and mumbling words. There shall be order here-I wish it so.
His eyes regard me-hope unshored by hope. I would have him at my bottom were he not now weak, and, rising, laugh and touch his tingling tool.
Do you put them all at it? Is this the way you would conquer, put down, have under? Is there merit to your case? Do you have philosophies, extend your thoughts? Shall all be smothered, mewing, bleating, to your whims?
You were ever the leader.
Shuffling, he moves to the door, hesitates. The voice of Hannah sounds.
What is Papa about, Mama?
I do not know, my love. Lecturings, positionings, posturings, and playfulness, perhaps. Come, have your medicine, and you, Jane, too.
Yes, Mama.
Are they not well? They should bathe more often, change their linen, annoint themselves with perfume sticks, make visits to Paris, perhaps, with chaperone? And what of the horses, horses, horses, what?
My words come sharp to him. Time whirls too quickly, though. I grasp it not and yet make play with it.
The horse, the horses, yes, we shall go to the fair, see the buntings and the crowds, the gigs, the carriages. Balloons will fly. Do not say that I removed your drawers!
Are you fretsome about that? Do you love me still? Will you caress my bottom if I wish?
I shall kiss it before them all. You were ever the queen.
Such frivolities do not obtain here. I do not show my bottom to the throng. Have the housekeeper fetched. I wish her not impertinent again.
I am here, Miss.
Agnes stands, the door opening, clothed as she was clothed.
There were voices, Agnes. Did I not hear voices?
Ever the voices come and go-some in the rooms and some outside. The passings of the hours makes a mischief of us sometimes, but there is no stopping of it.
She pauses, glances at his prick. The head is sticky, looks full out of place. As he passes her, she takes it up, limp, lolling in her hand.
Fair done you, didn't he, she laughs. Shall I let him go or do you have more use for it? Sometimes it perks up quick again and sometimes not.
What of your sometimes? Are they ever so? Send Charlotte to me-she will see me out. Have horses prepared, a carriage, condiments, wines for the journey, notations of routes and places to be passed.
Always you were a stickler for the proprieties, things and exactitudes. Never we know if you are coming or not, Laura.
There was music here, unheard. Once there was music here unheard, warmth of summer, smells of butter, cheese, the saddles polished. Harness glittered.
It will all come again. They say it will. I shall have a basket put up for you with meats and wines, just as you liked, placed in a carriage nice, kept cool. Shall you to London then? They would ever go to London, but it ain't allowed. The girls, I mean. You know the girls I mean.
Yes. I shall be here or there or elsewhere in my goings.
He is gone. Shuffling of feet along the carpet's spread. The opening of a door. The closing of a door. Agnes departs. I wait her going slow and then descend. The drawing room is darkened all below, the curtains tightly pulled and all in gloom. Hannah and Jane are robed in simple robes, naked beneath, their thighs and titties show. Each wears a rosary that hangs limp, black, between her ardent orbs.
You will come again, Laura. Won't you come again?
How sweet you smell from bathing! You must ever bathe, see to your linen clean, and learn to ride, be upright in the saddle, bottoms at the rim, wine at your lips not sweet nor sharp but redolent of warmth. An invitation, if you wish.
Hannah said 'cock'!
Jane, hand to mouth, looks wondering in my eyes. Remove your robes. How sweet you look in rosaries, bootees, and stockings tight. Stand still, stand still, and in your waiting wait. Clip not your thighs together. Easy stand, or loll on cushions if you will.
What shall become of us, Laura, what become?
Be at your strappings silent, dip your back, present your bottom well. Yield to the fervent pulsing of the penis stem, yet let it be no other than you wish, nor master's, lover's, servant's, troubadour's. Be proud to choose and wilful to refuse.
I do not mind if Hannah does not mind. Jane flirts her hand across her pubis, shows it, then retreats and in a corner like a statue stands. Perdita lost and found and no rain falls. You will have them both undone. I know it yet. Agnes appears and wrings her hands, the bustlings done, the carriage ready stands.
Tush and nonsense-feel their cunnies now. Full soft are they and pouting, ready for the cock. Let them imbibe the manly juice that way and on the morrow have their bottoms both put up to it.
The horses, Miss-the horses, though!
They will come to that. Renewed and virginal will come to that and in their ways of wisdom-yet unfound- will know no evil. Let their bottoms work in rhythm for the nonce and rinse their mouths with wine. Have lavender and myrrh laid at their pillows for the scent of it. Guard that their nostrils and their teeth are clean, their bottoms oiled and ready for the cork. Impress obedience and hide their drawers. Be party to their follities and whims. Have nothing but the best liqueurs. Tickle their cunnies with a feather just to bring them up.
Shall Jervis hold them, Miss? 'Twere a fair game of it made with Miss Hannah last time.
I do not trust the man, if man he be. He casts no shadow in the sun. Hannah will be good. Will you not be good, Hannah?
Shall you not stay, Laura, and I will be good.
She is flirtatious now and moves her hips as I intend, her nipples ready brown to suck upon, her bush fluffed up, thick, ready for the dew. I hold her arms and kiss her as she stands.
Be mindful, Hannah, to be good, as all we must. Lick your lips a little, make them shine. Blush not when in your drawers he feels and do not strain your neck away. Extend your leg a little, so, and keep your thighs apart. Pulpy with come your quim will feel, your belly straining more to draw it in, warm flesh to flesh and all the kisses made. Twirl your tongue, be bold, and gasp your gasps. Cling tight 'til all is done and the last drops surrendered.
Miss, I will come with you, if you want. Now Charlotte's voice intrudes.
No need, my sweet. Hannah will be good. Jane, too. You have no other resting place to journey to as yet.
My words perhaps are cruel yet I would not be encumbered, made to speak of idle things, frivolities. Solid the ground and empty blue the sky. A kestrel wheels, stoops on a thoughtless bird. So death is done and all seen in the sun. Some small Icarus now its wings has lost. Feather-falling, falling down, here-there-and gone.
If I came this way again, should come by night-the hedges hissing, scorned by stars-the house would be bright again and glow. Conversations would be elegant, the punchbowl filled, the girls more settled in their beings. One would discourse on Hamlet's tale or measure out the lines of Shelley's verse, pray for poor Chatterton, admire da Vinci's lines.
Jane would wear pink stockings-Hannah white. Some ceremonials would attend their new initiations year by year, season by season as their fashions changed, frilled petticoats and ribbons quick undone.
I should seek now elegance, not secrecy. The sofas should be grey and gilded at the edges, a sparkle of the gold against their thighs. Boucher would paint them at their frottings sweet, the ladies clapping as the men prepared to mount, lappings of tongues and solace of warm thighs. Upon their coming each man would withdraw, sprinkling their deep-furred nests with dews of love until all frothed and bubbled in the night.
If I came this way again, should come by night Behind me now the letterbox is raised. The voice of Charlotte sings out, clear and hurt yet snagged with spite that I do not now turn.
Cant come again, Laura.
Cant come again.
Cant come again!
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The coach is ill-prepared, unpainted, creaks. The coachman sits, brown hat, brown cloak, and waits as one might wait for sunsets, April dawns, the falling of a raindrop from a leaf.
Where's to go, Miss? Shall we by south or north or east or west or by our own devising?
Are you a geomancer, then-one who makes prickles in the dust to guide his journeys by?
I ain't none of that, Miss. Don't know what that is. Make prickles in the dust to travel by? How's it done, then, eh, how's it done? That's what I'd like to know.
Castings of stones and sticks, maybe. Noddings of head. I also do not know. The word is pretty, though, do you not think? I caught it from a book my father owns and trapped it as one does a butterfly. It flutters in my mind, now here, now there. I put it to such usage as I feel.
Words is funny, Miss. As for me, some I uses, some I chews, spits out if I do not find them proper. My dear mother says, spit out that word, she says, and grind it into dust.
A proper lady then, by all accounts. She withers in a cottage while you wait? I shall not keep you long upon it then. Are you from here or there or far?
Not far, not there, not here. I knew I would be summoned. Had a feeling of it. Strange folk they are and proper to a T. The beds grow cold, I hear, and only used for sleeping. Sometimes the house is boarded up and sometimes not. The folk don't come this way at night. You never come this way at night?
I would be fearful of the potholes, frogs, toads, witches' trails. How hard the seat! I shall not journey far. Is there a station near?
Not far, no.
I am speaking for him. His are not the words but from my thoughts impelled. He will take bread and milk, a pot of ale, mull over all the day, find wonder in it. Sniffing at my skirts in memory, hell play his mischiefs in a small back room, linoleum cracked and dirt to corners shuffled. Too urgent will he come, my eyes in his, ever there pasted on his tawdry walls, cock in, cock out, the small tight quims appealing. His mother will listen at the doors, cackle her dryness, and retire to bed a huddled mess amid the mass of night, her nails unclean, her withered eyelids shut.
I shall not grow old, I shall not grow old, I shall not grow old. A hour and we are come upon the bustle of the town. My gown, enriched by wealth, there gathers eyes.
What of your baggage, Miss? It were brought out so quick I knew not the counting of it.
Bring it down, bring it down, bring it down. This hostelry will do-the Duke of York's. I shall meander here, there, all about. Tell them that Sir James Brede's daughter comes.
Ay, Miss, I will, and the best rooms laid for you. If you was to need me here tonight, if you was.
Such an occasion I cannot envisage. Will a sovereign do? Take two. You have a wordly air about you and may go far.
My little flattery is done, wrapped up and handkerchiefed anew. The shops here have a pretty look of dark and light. The windows gleam, the rough stones smooth beneath my toes. I shall buy baubles, take them up for laughter, give them to the maids who serve me well and fasten cameos above their breasts.
Eyes haunt me from a doorway and I look. She moves among old clothes and lengths of twine, the daylight dusty in her sombre look. I know her for the girl who stood with pail and put her back to me. She lissome stirs and now approaches me.
You have my ring. I knew you had my ring.
Yours? Was it yours? I gaze her up and down-white dress, a trifle dirty, not bizarre. Hat with a wide soft brim that once I wore.
I knew the stones the twistings and the bits. Hannah, she took it, said that it was hers. Jane cried, was chased into the woods across the field. I heard her squealings till she were put down.
You have journeyed far for it, have you not?
The ring is of no moment. I pass it to her. Hand trembles and she puts it on; dress changes then to blue but no one stares. The dress is new. I wore it not before, nor she. Changeling and foundling, ever will she come.
I was to go today. Aunt Aramintha was to take me there. Tea upon the lawn and chattering.
Was, were, or will? The time is all undone. Wait till the summer's end or harvest time. We had no need to quarrel on the ring. Did we have need?
I thought you'd keep it, that was all. Shall I, then, go back now? I know not where to tarry.
Come with me. Semantha is your name. It comes upon me like a bell, is struck and rings.
Of course-you know that, silly, course you do. Papa is with the gout and all put out with me. Mama will take the waters if she can. The house is all locked up, the cottage, too. I saw you pass. You waved. I turned away. What a horrid uncle he is and I hope you did not do it with him.
What a thing to say, Miss, in the street! Have you such boldness on you now? Come, let us to my rooms, prepare the day, lay out the hours and count the minutes past.
Did you? Did you do with him? Did you?
You sillikins, of course not. Would I do? When you were last put up, put downah yes, I have the memory of it now.
Oh, do not mention it, pray not! How improper were our little games! Nose to nose and mouth to mouth we were, each bumping, wriggling, working to their whims. All squashed I was, Laura, and you laughing, Hannah saying he must take it out. In a corner she was and her face on a cushion.
Pouf! Make not much of episodes, Semantha, coming together of moments, enlacings of the days. There shall be tea and quietness now, discoursings on the usefulness of life. A truce is called to it, their rosaries fast held.
Around his naughty thing, I know! That's how he puts it in and works away, jinglings of beads and smacking of his balls. Both together they were and their legs up.
Shush! What a naughtiness is about you today that you prattle as you do! Come, come within. I have my rooms prepared, my niceties conveyed. If they are not aware of who I am-we are-there will be ructions.
All is obsequiousness and quiet, the carpets scarlet and the drapes.
Your rooms, Miss, yes, of course, your rooms.
Full passage made, we to the elevator led, whisked all about, avoiding hazards, hamperings of feet, rugs, chests, and brass spittoons.
The rooms are small and yet commodious. Semantha bounces on the bed, comes up, goes down, moves hips and sinks again, her ankles neat in stockings white.
What shall we do today, Mama, what shall we do?
I sit beside her oh the bed, gaze in full hope upon her young, smooth face.
Is it true that there is reality, Semantha?
Her eyes, wide with surprise, are doves descending.
Oh yes, oh yes. I took my medicine today, had breakfast with my aunt, saw to the menu of the day, upbraided cook, and kicked the dogs away. Papa took out his hunter, saw the time, and all was well. The sun rose high and clear. I shall have mulberry wine and dance my way all through the evening.
What medicine pray? Everyone is about medicines today, placebos, pills, and beads-anxieties.
Ho! Medicines indeed! You know well what I meant. Did we not always call it that? When first injected with the fruitful prong I struggled, then took heart and suffered it, tight easing in my passage, oiling me with early warnings of its succulence. Such a syringing did I have-oh my! She laughs and kicks her legs, looks sudden coy, begging I think her not too wanton in her ways.
Messages of thoughts and memories. They are too slender here. I fret at that. Never too young for it and ever playful, white of dress and white of limbs. Let the messages come, trill at my fingers.
Never wanton you, Semantha, no. You had the innocence at play which brought his cock up first, I do believe. You lisped when kissed and struggled not to feel a hand within your drawers. Strawberries and cream you said your titties were, the nipples gently sucked each morn, your bottom tickled in the bed. Made play between them with you, did they not? Cock at your bottom and her lips to yours.
Oh yes, I laughed, but I was scared. I'd never seen it up before. Aunt Aramintha wafted up my nightgown then and held me tight. 'Fuck, fuck,' she said-oh, such a wicked word! 'Come, tease him further not,' she said, and laid my hand beneath his balls, arm straining far behind my back. He who would tread his angel twisted me about, his naked staff against my belly burning. Aunt held my arms and laughed and nipped my ear. Then, seizing up my thighs, he put it in and said that he was only cozening.
Our lips together now, our breaths come fast.
Fucking, Semantha-fucking-say!
FFucking, ooohoh, put your finger there!
I have intruded on a word I would not speak, but now is said and done, curled up and dry. Plant it between the books you do not read. It has no eminence, ugly of sound, meaningless of purpose. Rinse your mouth. Take flowers to bed and dream of pale things.
I would uncover now her breasts, but we are visited. A knock discreet upon the solid door. Arranging my gown with care I go, a flush too high upon my cheeks.
Bury the word and let it have no roots. I would be done with it, to silence put.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Am I inopportune?
He who proffers the question and appears to stumble over it a little is of comely mien, olive of skin, not having passed his fortieth year, tall, well-sprung, and with most kindly eyes.
I know not your habits, sir, so cannot answer for you.
It is Hari! Semantha rushing forth, her corsage disarrayed to show her mounds. A kiss exchanged, she presents him as her cousin. He noted, it seems, our entrance to the Duke of York's but tarried in his coming.
You are not English, then? Wine is dispersed.
One cannot pick and choose the colours of one's skin upon one's coming. The desert stung my mouth before. Dry the vegetation, cruel the winds, nights cold, the days all oven baked. Were I a lizard I would lie beneath the stones and lick the coolness of their surface.
He is a philosopher, Laura-makes mysteries of words. As for myself, I prefer the simpler life. Even so, I must to my aunt. She knows me not diverted. May I leave you to your discourse?
Shall you return, Semantha?
I have no anxiety upon the matter, though a simple curiosity.
There are ever returnings, comings, and passings. Kiss me once more and pass your tongue within my mouth.
Hari will see.
Oh pouf, it does not matter. He may make play with you himself if you are minded to it.
Go, you minx. I laugh at her. Your tongue runs away with you and may be hard to catch one day. Kiss your aunt for me. Wear the ring forever, for I shall know you by its glittering, this life or that.
Have you come, then, to such understandings?
Upon the closing of the door his glance is mild on me but rains its tiny questions on my brow. Thus it is with some that one may find immediate comfort with them such as the Germans call gemutlich. His skin is smooth as mine. His testicles though small perhaps will yet have power.
I shall wear a sari. Would you wish me to?
Naked beneath as Grandma wore?
If you would have it so. My obedience may not be absolute. I have but one true master. Did her breath taste of olives? I often wondered at that. I know not why olives. The thought came to me upon seeing her likeness-pale and frayed though it was-the tincture of the sepia all but gone.
There was a muskiness, heady to the senses. I knew her breasts firmer than a young woman's, her belly flat. But we were younger then, in other climes. Why do we speak upon the merely physical?
Being human, we are prone to do. One looks for shade in light and light in shade, listens for footfalls, hears the creak of doors, waits for the postman's knock while arranging polished apples in a bowl where fitfully the sun will glance across their surfaces; and so the scenes will change from time to time, sounds will come and go, and presences be felt.
A fine cascade of words! You trust your senses far too much, abide in them too long. So long as you clutter your mind with concepts you will have no knowing of the truth of this little matter.
This little matter? Is that what you call it?
My mischief is unintended, yet obtains. Winsome I look and soft to hold. He gazes at me long, rises from his chair, and draws me up.
Know that your mind is like a monkey in a cage, ever fretting to take nuts or break without the bars.
I recall what father said about the trumpet's blare, my aunt about the cats, and clap my hands.
You see-the bars are gone!
Some admiration shows now in his look. His hands glide round my thighs and pat my cheeks.
There is more knowing in you than I thought.
Of several things, yes, Hari. How slim yet strong your hands! Are you upon the physical or the spiritual now?
He answers not but draws my cheeks apart, feeling through cloth to know their springiness.
I shall teach you the words, advance you in your path, dissect your being.
If there are words to learn then let me learn. Are they pretty? Do they dance, scuttle as leaves, whirl up in the wind's flight?
Come-disrobe yourself to your boots and stockings. Kneel up upon the bed and let your mind be empty of desire. Know neither desire nor no desire. Be of this world and yet not of this world. Come 'twixt, between-my God, what perfect limbs!
You are of this world, I perceive! Do you not find my bottom as comely as any dusky maiden's, the cleft as deep and secretive, the lips below protruding to desire?
Be quiet, Laura!
Dutiful I hang my head and, naked to his view, await his coming. Slow movements he makes in the discarding of his clothes. I know my placings, my positions, am square upon the centre of the bed.
His fingers taste me first, here, there, about-linger beneath my quim where plumps my mound. The lips are sultry, moisten to his touch. I feel his prick, the bulb, the warmth of it, saluting as it does my out-thrust cleft.
As is our practise, Laura, I will enter it at first but an inch. Clench and do not reject. Upon learning what you are to speak, then you will speak, surging your hips as you were taught to do, persuasive, gentle, on and on.
I would say yes, but may not and so wait. My aunt will come with benedictions, tut, and pull the curtains, light the lamps. Naught will be said. That was the best of it. I am finished with rumbustious, rude ways. Ah! The little blindness as he thrusts! So was I first, and squirmed, but was held tight. The nosing-in, ecstatic, puffs my breath full out. My little jerk is done and I am stilled. Only the gentle snorting of my breath was heard in my initiations. Once, only once, soft, lewd, exciting words were spoken to my lips, my nipples felt and then the cork urged in.
Words spin as do Bogardus balls when thrown in flight, a merriness of seeking air and space, and then about the ears like pendants settle.
The hands of Had feel the sleekness of my sides, convey their admiration of my breasts, plump melons to his palms. His loins are still as though in warning held. Prize mount as I would seem to be, my hips are held.
Another inch! He gives me not a warning of it, tingles, strains. Finding me meek, he enters it right in, though half-inch by half-inch while the clock spits its tiny sparks of time. I would say Ooooh! and wriggle-once or twice in my beginnings I said Ooooh! and wriggled, once or twice, but then was overawed by silence, then as now.
Bulb your bottom, Laura, into me.
The words are softly spoken. I obey. Full-corked, I waited his churnings and his thrusts to which my hips will weave a wilder dance, the angels from my eyelids sliding, gliding, fallen down and gone to sleep.
We wait again. In stillness do we wait. I hear his breathings joining with my own. Hands flitter at my stocking tops, flirt at my flesh. One cups my slit: a bird, furred, nested tight.
Omni manipadme hum- repeat the words, repeat the words.
Ha! Omni mani pppadme Hooo-um!
The words become my being as we jolt, as in a vault my mind might soar and float.
Repeat! Repeat! There is no end to it, his voice joined with my own. All time is flown, burnt paper in the wind, sweet smacks of bulging to his belly's thrusts, I with his cock protruding in and out.
Sometimes my aunt in thoughtful mood would tell me not to make too much of it.
Go to it softly as a lamb to grass, as knife to butter, ivy to a wall. All may separate and part, without thought for the morrow or the parting. Concentrate, though, wholly upon what you are doing whether in passion moving or in quietness sitting.
I concentrate, I concentrate, I concentrate. The words, the motions, movements now are one. The sea flows to the beach, beach to the sea. In rhythm are our omni's, mani's, padme's, hum's. Slapsmack, slapsmack, my nipples pointed hard, spurt-sprinkle of my comings on his palm, and ever in and out his rigid rod that certain as the tide is in its flow.
Till we are done, are done, spring-splashings of his sperm, the long thick shoots that spatter me with pleasure, gathered in, and our words die and die and die away until we panting He and quiver close, the arrow deep embedded still and gripped.
I stretch my legs straight down and clamp him in-I, plank to him, upon a crumpled sea.
What did the words mean, Hari? Tell me what?
I am at my wanderings again, beyond the spell of concentration. Would that I could walk on Brighton beach, hide 'neath the pier and hear the calling of the fishermen, their lobster pots abandoned in the rain.
Were you to know the meaning of the words you would be further from the meaning than you are. Make not too much of words in their beginnings or their end, their colourings or dullness. These are but illusions.
You speak as father speaks and yet I am no nearer to the meaning than I ever was.
A wiggle of my bottom and he draws it out, half stiff, half limp, and lies beside me straight. His face is quietude. I feel his balls and let the thick worm tingle to my fingertips.
Are you anxious for it more? Are you ever well exercised, Laura?
I was put to it twice by day sometimes, but never more, back dipped, legs straight, and bottom well pushed out. Speak me your litany again.
Omni mani padme hum. Hum the words slowly in your mind. Place them not upon your forehead but just below your navel. Think of no other.
Shall I be transformed?
Better that you are silent on the matter and receive. To what could you be transformed other than you are? Look ever inwards, not without, for in looking outwards you perceive only the manifestations of your thinking mind. Behind, within, and all about the Pure Mind shines. Some call it the Void. Be not afraid to plunge.
I shall be falling, falling. Shall I fall? Sometimes he cupped my quim as you have done, found the deep nest of hairs, toyed with my curls, his prick full 'twixt my cheeks and held me so.
What is your prattling but to disguise what you would seek?
I do not know what I would seek. I move between all worlds, yet do not know my own.
You move between appearances, not revelations. Seek, as I have said, within and not without. There is a cave of devils there. He waves his hand.
You frighten me!
He laughs. They are not real!
I asked Semantha of reality. She did not know.
It is a word and nothing but a word. Have you not perceived that yet? So long as you are stuck between reality and non-reality you will never find your way. You will be as a tiger between two tethered goats, as a man with two left shoes who ever tries to put both on. All pleasure ends in pain, all hopes fulfilled arouse a new desire. Abandon the muddled workings of your conceptual mind. Discover who you are.
You said you would exercise me more today. I wish to be. It is my last greediness perhaps. I curl my toes.
So says a man who eats a plate of oysters and then within the hour returns for more. Sitting quietly doing nothing. Is this not the most fruitful of activities?
I would be bored!
Even so I laugh and the laughter refreshes me. Perhaps I like my pains. They nag at me, demand attention, as does a rotting tooth. Pressed by the tongue, it issues thrills of hurtful love. Even so I make my little speech. I cannot help but make my little speech.
The mountain is too slippery to climb. I have learned nothing and my aunt will brood. My father may admonish me in silence, sharpen his arrows, hold The Times before his face.
A mountain-maker are you now? Out of flat ground you make your own upheavals.
Oh, very well! You seem to have the better of me in your phrases. I will upheave my bottom, though, and on and on, if you do not put me to it once again!
Upon your back, woman!
He pretends a sternness. Meekly I lie and meekly blink, legs straight, apart, and hands behind my head. His stem is up again, protrudes its knob.
Are we not irreverent after your speakings?
What is reverence or irreverence? Do you not know still where you are?
I have been at my wanderings, entrapped in corridors, enchanted by demons, chased by shades of dusk, bewildered in the light. Oh woh!
My little quivered cry. I hold him tight. Smooth in my sleekness is his shaft embedded, peach-clinging of my lovelips round his prick. His balls swing, smack, dividing at my cleft. I hum my breath to his, extend my tongue. In liquid swirls we whirl and thresh our loins. Omni mani padme hum! Oh, love me yet, oh, love me yet!
Can this be love that drinks another as a sponge drinks water? So your poet Blake wrote, said, delineated and made plain. Speak, Laura, speak!
No, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no yes! Oh, do it on and on and on and on!
Far falling far we fall, the ceiling spins, the room divides from heaven and from earth, floats in the universe and is dissolved. The cries of curlews sound far and forlorn, the summer dying as must die the swan. Man comes and tills the earth and lies beneath. I, too, have read my verses well, yet would be ploughed by Hari on and on.
Ha-haaar! Oh yes! Oh, do it to me, do!
The room returns, the room returns again. The walls enclose. My aunt is furious, strides back and forth, awaiting the undoing of our loins.
Thereyou are still now, still. Be still.
How beautiful that was! You came so much.
Be quiet, girl, quiet-receive your, benedictions. Holy the body as the spirit is. Is it not a privilege to be born, to seek and find again the fount of all your origins?
Yes, Hari, yes, but keep it in and spurt your little spurts before we part.
Woman you were and are and ever will remain. Succulent your quim, tight your rosette. You were born to it and yet have years to tread. Shall I not learn more, learn more-not?
What is to learn?
He dangles, rises, dresses now with speed.
I have failed. In all have I failed. I feel sometimes the consciousness of it upon me. My mind is like a rag that would be washed, yet fears the water.
How you distinguish still! What is the water to the rag, the rag to water? Only empty your mind of all illusions.
Very well. I shall sit with my legs crossed and my hands together as my father taught. Oh, but my quim bubbles merrily with your spendings! I cannot help but wriggle. I shall wet the coverlet.
Such a cloak you put around yourself with your prattlings, ever avoiding a falling into mindfulness! I am ready to depart. We may not meet again.
Shall we not? I shall not wait upon it for you would laugh and put me back to mindfulness. Even so, you might kiss me.
Were we ever from the beginning parted?
I do not know. There are ever meetings and partings. I bend my head back, laughing as we kiss. It hides my tearfulness. I would clutch at him, but no. My aunt would say no. I know she would say no. I am sinful. Am I so? Am I sinful, Hari? Have I failed? He pauses at the door. His smile is beatific. How could you fail, O foolish one, when there was nothing in which to succeed?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
All that was said and done I have told my aunt. My limbs are bathed, my linen changed, my stockings tightened up, boots, shoes, removed for polishing, my trunks now put away.
I am not the same who made my journeys hence, and yet I am the same.
All that was said, all that was done, is gone away. You may wear this henceforth, Laura, if you wish.
A sari is laid out, green, threaded gold.
If I wish.
Yes, if you wish. Clocks tick more gently when the day is done. Before the day is done disrobe to stockings, garters, shoes, and put it on.
Shall you, then, follow suit?
I may. Summer or autumn, winter-cold or spring, it becomes us to behave as we behave, move as we move.
Shall I be strapped again?
Is there a need for it?
NoAt least Then there is no need for it unless you wish it so. There is no harm to wish it so, to feel the stimulation of the fire. Stir your hips gently when you feel its calling. The caressing of the leather at your cheeks betokens the arising of desire, not admonition. In your returning.
There are cockles to be had at Brighton. Bright the dresses on parade, a glittering of domes, the cryings of the gulls that sear the air as chalk on slate.
Then we will take the carriage in the morning if you wish, pack hampers with delights, make merry of the day.
Perhaps we may steal a girl. Say yes! There was one there that I liked. She lingers waiting on the promenade.
To steal indeed! What would you have me do? I doubt not your persuasions in such matters, crumpets at your mouth and butter at your lips.
I shall hide her in my wardrobe, bring her out at dusk and toy with her.
See to it that you become not wanton in your ways! You are ever at beginnings, I at ends. When in time you teach, I shall be the first to listen. Ere you are taken now, sit quietly without consciousness of self before disrobing. All is in the mind and all in Mind contained.
What would you have me do, in truth? Some lack of comprehension dulls me still.
Light your own lamp. I cannot do it for you. The door has opened but an inch or two to show a chink of light. Dancing in dust and motes of idle thought, you do not see it yet it hangs as clear as day before your eyes.
If it is there and I cannot see it, what a nonsense it seems to me! Do you speak in parables, or what?
Once I kicked a pebble and it rolled downhill. When I reached the bottom it had gone, my aunt replies.
If it is gone, why do you kick it still?
Father enters, neither grave nor gay, the question- fallen from his lips-is scooped up, washed and ironed and put away.
Had you not heard what I said, the answer would have been wasted. What an idleness we talk!
She laughs in saying so, embraces him as I in my turn do. We are come upon ourselves anew, made whole again.
What happens, father, when we die?
I loll upon my bed, regard them solemnly, am indolent and stretch my legs, my ankles neatly crossed.
No birth, no death. So long as you continue with your opposites your mind will be ever moving back and forth as one who sits beside a swing or watches tennis players at their game. All words are but the shadows of the things. All things are but the products of our thoughts. Had we but chance to see this, would we not be happier? I am happy as I am.
My answer pleases him. He smiles", departs. The arrows will soar forth again, the long shafts sing, The Times be ruffled, folded in its everydayness. Dew on the roses. I shall lap it with my tongue, wear Turkish slippers curled up at the toes.
Are my eyes Turkish? Do you think so?
I spring up, stare within my mirror, move my lips and pout.
Large to entice and deep their colouring. Would you have me flirt with you? Keep your wiles for another.
We shall paddle in the sea tomorrow. Cold at our feet the water and our toes will curl. Papa may take a likeness of us with his magic box. Mama will watch for pirates. Oh! What are you at?
Unbuttoning you. You have a certain fever of excitement that must needs be cooled. Strip to your stockings and wear beads between your breasts, dark to your skin. Put on the sari now and let it wind and wind and wind till you are sheathed in silk, your bottom moulded well, your belly flat. When lifted up, the drapes fold at your hips, cascading without movement, water in its flowing frozen. Now to your meditations sit-legs crossed-upon the centre of the bed.
You will draw the curtains, I know. It will be dark.
Nor dark nor light. Enough to see. See in your seeing see, and see beyond. You will not to Brighton else.
Boys run along the chain pier there. The sea Be quiet, my love, be quiet. Stare at the wall. Let your eyelids droop and yet be blinded not. All muddied thoughts will sink. Be calm, be calm.
Is gone, is gone, and empty now the room save for myself.
It is quiet, it is quiet, it is quiet.
I will sink my I. I shall try.
The colours now are brighter on the wall. I must not think of colours. I shall wear my sari all the night, stockings neat and garters tight.
Omni mani padme humomni mani What shall we do today, Mama, what shall we do today?
Thoughts bubble on and burstare goneare gone.
Time lapses yet is infinite.
A flash of lightning and I am within! Within, without, there are no boundaries. The Old Man sitteth here in all his homeliness, and he and I are one and I am he.
