...Unbutton her garment gradually, while tickling or caressing. Caress-that is, put pressure-with the last three fingers of the hand and palm. This gives her the illusion that you are caressing with all your hand, while in truth your thumb and forefinger are free to work on her zipper or buttons.
You can intersperse this process with the use of your mouth. "Educated" lips can unbutton most buttons and unzip most zippers. Ostensibly you keep caressing her with your lips and breath; but all the while you are busy at the fasteners....
-from Light Petting (Necking)
* * *
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
1. The Morality of Sexual Seduction
2. Seduction Do's
3. Seduction Don'ts
4. Setting the Stage
5. Kissing
6. Light Petting (Necking)
7. Heavy Petting
8. Giving Full Satisfaction
9. Problems and By-Products
10. Keeping a Relationship Going
* * *
To all the lovely women who have taught me the art of erotic seduction.-Albert Ellis
TO my son, for whom this was originally written, and to D. M. W., from whom I've learned a lot and loved every minute of it.
-Roger O. Conway
INTRODUCTION
This book grew out of our personal experiences, rather than from the things we heard and read about. In fact, since one of us (A. E.) was reared in a typical middleclass neighborhood in the North Bronx and the other (R. C.) was brought up in a conservative town in the deep South, what we originally heard about seducing respectable young women was almost unmitigated hogwash. First, you weren't supposed to do such a dastardly act at all. Secondly, if you did have the temerity to try, you were almost certain to run into such unalterable opposition that you might just as well give up soon, find some tramp or whore who was easily available, and let it go at that.
So we didn't try too hard-in the beginning. We did very little with the "nice" girls we dated, and if we somehow began to get somewhere sexually with one of these girls-mainly because we went with her long enough, and one thing naturally began to lead to another-we began to think in terms of possibly marrying her. For in those days sexual "intimacy" was almost synonymous with a state of matrimony in our minds; and, frankly, we didn't have the guts to think much beyond this point and to try to get "nice" girls to bed with whom we had no intention of becoming terribly serious.
A little later, we changed. Once we had got a little sex under our belts, it didn't seem quite so sacred any more, and seemed to merit an entirely justifiable position even when not ennobled by love. Moreover, once we loved a girl, had sex relations with her, and then (as is human) were no longer highly enamored, we had to admit that, at least in some cases, her physical charms were still enrapturing. Although our hearts were no longer captive, our genitals were not equally discriminative; and often our rolls in the hay with these no longer loved lasses were as memorable as the delights we mutually enjoyed when our souls were more in tune.
So we learned. And, as part of our learning, we started to make more vigorous overtures toward girls whom we never loved-knew, in fact, that we possibly never would. We found them physically attractive, though sometimes little more than that. But we knew we could enjoy them, and they us, sexually; we said to ourselves, "What the hell! What have we got to lose? Let's try."
Try we did. At first, much failure. But some success! Even, surprisingly, when we did the wrong thing--pushed a girl too hard and too fast or clumsily ripped off a few of her blouse buttons while trying to get at her breasts-we found that not all was lost, that girls easily forgave and forgot-and then, amazingly enough, went much farther than they ever would have gone had we not made our mistakes in the first place.
We read, too-goodness knows how many books on sex technique, the psychology of women, birth control methods, and related knowledge. They helped a little. But most of them (as many still tend to be today) were pedantic, idealistic, and impractical. More important, no doubt, were some of the fictional writings then extant: Molly Bloom's soliloquy in Ulysses; Boccaccio, Rabelais, Balzac, and other classical ribald story tellers; smuggled-in copies of Fanny Hill and the books of Henry Miller. These taught us graphically that not all women were "pure," and that many were as ready to play double-backed horsy as their male suitors.
So we ventured; and, in a fair number of cases, succeeded. Then, as our skills grew, so did our successes. Women whom we would have never dreamed we could make it with fell, if not exactly at our feet, at least eventually between our bedsheets. And some of them-of all things!-scolded us for not having actively persuaded them to get there much sooner. Could it really be true, as these females alleged, that we had often been too timorous and gentle? It could; in fact, it was.
So we learned some more. And we learned the pleasure of learning. We thought, now and then, of transmitting some of our knowledge to other males; since most of them we talked to labored under our prior delusions and knew as much about the fairest flowers of young womanhood as they did about raising ostriches. One of us (A. E.) did eventually write a book, Sex and the Single Man, in which some of his best advice to the sexlorn was communicated; but there were so many other things to tell the male reader that little space remained for much salient information on the gentle art of seduction and the hows and whys of sex etiquette.
Meanwhile, the other author of this book (R. C.) was leading a respectable married life and rearing two children, a boy and a girl. When his son reached the age of eighteen, he began to collate some answers to the question, "Dad, what's the best way for me to 'make out' with a girl?" and he wrote a manual incorporating these answers and gave it to the son. This work was quite successful in answering the boy's main questions, and served many of his friends, as well, in their quest for down-to-earth information which their fathers were loath to give them.
When the two authors of this book became friendly (largely by mail, since they live a thousand miles apart), they agreed that in spite of their previous ventures in this field, nothing of note had yet been published to inform the young male how to conduct himself in his sexual relations with females, so that he could obtain acceptance and enjoyment and, at the same time, he could responsibly satisfy them. Hundreds of books on general etiquette exist, and some of them are even practical and unprissy. But to locate one on sexual etiquette that includes the relevant facts of life and an open-minded attitude toward non-marital and marital sexuality has been a herculean task. That is what the present work is designed to be: a factual, liberal, objective view of dating and mating, particularly oriented toward the late teenager and early adult, but applicable to any male who wants to enjoy heterosexual relationships with willing females.
CHAPTER ONE
According to Webster's New World Dictionary, to seduce means "to persuade to do something disloyal, disobedient, etc." Sexually, it means "to persuade to engage in unlawful sexual intercourse, especially for the first time; induce to give up chastity." Obviously, these definitions are loaded-for they only talk about persuading an individual, and particularly a female, to engage in an act which is disloyal, disobedient, or unlawful. If this is all that sexual seduction is, then it cannot easily be defended, and might better be abandoned by honorable men.
Fortunately, this does not exactly cover the whole field of seduction. Most of the time when John reports to his friend, Joe, "I was able to seduce Mary last night. It was rough for a while; but I made it at last," he does not mean that he persuaded or induced Mary to do something disloyal or unlawful. For usually Mary is not married or engaged to someone else to whom she has promised to be faithful; and she resides in a community where fornication may be frowned upon but where no one is likely to be jailed when caught engaging in it.
What is more to the point, in the usual case of seduction, is that the girl you seduce at first is reluctant, for one reason or another, to have sexual relations in general and intercourse in particular. Perhaps she wants to remain virginal; or thinks she does not know you well enough; or is not sufficiently attracted to you; or is afraid that someone else will find out that you have had relations; or has some other reason for warding you off. Anyway, when you first make verbal or physical overtures to her, she responds negatively or indifferently; and therefore she has to be seduced into having sex.
Is it, then, immoral for you to be so persuasive with a girl that you induce her to have sex, as the saying goes, "against her will"? Not usually. For you obviously have the right, as an independent human being, to try to persuade virtually anyone to do almost anything-as long as you do not use force, threats, lies, or other skulduggerist means of "persuasion" and as long as you employ non-coercive methods with reasonably adult, sane individuals of whom you are not likely to be taking unfair advantage.
Suppose, for example, you are convinced that political dictatorship is the best means of running the country or that complete freedom of trade, k la the views of Adam Smith and his followers, is immensely superior to any kind of government-imposed economic regulations. You meet a young girl and try to convert her to your views and get her to work in a group that is devoted to promulgating the program in which you believe (and that, we shall assume, fights for this program in a perfectly legal way). You may be a complete crackpot with respect to your political or economic views; practically all your cohorts who work for these ideas may also be arrant screwballs; and, probably if such ideas ever swept the country and were officially adopted, they would run you, your girlfriend, and your countrymen into the ground. To make matters worse, if you do persuade the girl to follow your politico-economic bents, she very likely will ultimately become disillusioned with your cause and will fervently wish that you had not led her astray in the first place.
For all this, are you not legitimately entitled to persuade, cajole, induce, or seduce this susceptible young damsel to acquiesce to your philosophies? The answer, of course, is: Yes. For if it were not your right, free speech would be a mockery in this land, and the next expression of your views to be outlawed could be your ideas on religion, current events, or even how to succeed at tiddlywinks without really trying.
But isn't this a bit unfair? it may be asked. Is it right for you, who may be bright, informed, and a sweet mouthed talker, to persuade a delectable young thing, who may be much less bright, informed, and silver-tongued, to do something which she may be unenthusiastic about doing with you at the time, and even more dim-viewed about later? Should your natural superiority in certain respects enable you to have your way with her, even to her current or subsequent detriment?
The answer to these questions is: Who said the world is, or even should be, fair? Let's suppose, for the sake of discussion, that the girl really doesn't want to go to bed with you, and that later she regrets doing so; and let's suppose that she only does so because of your verbal superiority over her, and not because any of your arguments are intrinsically good. Even so, how is your "taking advantage" of her in this respect any different from your taking your brains and your loquacity to become a top man in your class at school, to be elected head of your fraternity, to become vice president of your company in record time, or to win out in many other competitive ventures that you are bound to pursue in life (unless, of course, you neurotically withdraw from all competition entirely, because you are scared witless of failing)?
Competitiveness, the use of brains, and verbal and physical persuasiveness, in other words, seem to be inherent components of human endeavor. They are particularly indigenous to our society; but they are also prevalent in most other parts of the world. If we abolish one aspect of personal salesmanship-which we happen to call by the loaded name of sexual seduction-while leaving extant virtually all its other major aspects, we are illogical and inconsistent. This is not to deny that competitiveness or self-interest (or whatever you want to call it) does not have some pernicious results; for it does. But it is to contend that it has many advantages, too; and that human life without it seems more than a little inhuman.
Another point: Every male, obviously, is hardly mentally and verbally superior to every female of our species. Although some males are indubitably brighter than some females, many females are more intelligent than males (as all results on intelligence tests tend to prove). This means that where some bright males may easily talk some stupider females into going to bed with them when the latter really do not "want" to do so, about as many sharp females may just as easily talk some less sharp males into not copulating with them, when the latter clearly want to do so. And what is fair, from an ideal view, about that.
Still another thing to consider: From a biological standpoint, there seems to be some evidence that the human female is less imperiously driven to want to have intercourse, both before and after marriage, than is the male. And it is possible that were strict "fairness" in this respect achieved, the human race would have died out many eons ago. Moreover, it seems just as unfair (if not a little more so) for highly sexed males to be frustrated and deprived of satisfaction if they don't persuade somewhat reluctant females to go to bed with them as it seems for females to have sex at times when they are not, at least initially, fully aroused. Again: The biological fact seems to be that most females, once their resistance to sexual participation is overcome by their male partners, wind up having an enjoyable time and frequently enjoy sex play and intercourse more than the male initiators!
Finally-granting that unfairness exists on both sides and that there is no perfect solution to this age-old problem-a reasonable, middle-ground type of solution does seem to be available. That is, that the male, when he is more motivated to engage in heterosexual relations than is the female, be ethically permitted to try to persuade her to have them with him; but that he follow certain ground rules in so doing. Thus, he should attempt to seduce girls who are above a certain age (say, eighteen); should be as honest as possible with them and not claim love or marital intentions when he has none; should take full responsibility for seeing that they are contraceptively protected; should do his very best to see that they find their sex relations satisfying and educational; should be considerate to girls after the seduction is completed; and should be consummately kind and courteous in his present and future relations with females whom he wants to seduce.
The ethics of seduction involve a two-way application. Females as well as males may be seductive; and heaven knows how many relatively low-sexed and unwilling males have been brought to bed by women who were much more determined than they to have affairs. Moreover-even when the male is technically the persuader-the clothes, the demeanor, and the behavior of his partner may have much to do with getting him into action and keeping him going. If a girl wears low-cut dresses, sits very close to a man when they are driving, and talks as if she has had innumerable lovers, he is much more likely to try to seduce her that night, even though she shows some initial resistance, than if she dresses and acts more sedately.
The girl who wants her date to behave in an ethical manner when he is trying to induce her to take her clothes off would better look at her own inflaming actions. If she is an inconsiderate tease, and makes a habit of arousing males to the point of erection and then giving them no satisfaction, she is much more likely to be unethically seduced, and in some instances practically raped, than if she is less of a tease and refrains from being terribly provocative unless she really intends to let her date go pretty far.
The ethics of seduction include talk as well as action, and extend to individuals other than the couple involved in the seductive act. This is particularly true in regard to the male's talking about his partner after he has persuaded her to go the sexual limit. Ideally, it really should not matter if you beat at Susie's portals awhile, finally arrange for the walls of Jericho to crumble, and then boast to ten thousand other males about your noble exploits, and especially about how juicy a morsel Susie finally turned out to be when the coverlets were down and her legs were up. If she were truly a sane girl, she would hardly mind your letting the Army, Navy, and Marines know how she moaned with delight and dug her fingernails deep into your back during the heights of her ecstasy. For she would realize that few of the people you told about your encounter would really despise her-in fact, a lot of them would beg you for her telephone number!-and that, even if some did despise her, she needn't take their estimate seriously.
But go find one solitary girl in our society who believes that although sticks and stones can break her bones names won't ever hurt her! Maybe she somewhere resides in this land; but so far, in our hundred years or so of accumulated existence, we haven't found one like her. We know girls-and quite a few of them-who don't mind letting practically everyone know that they have a steady boyfriend and are sleeping with him regularly; and we know lots of others-in fact, an increasing number these days-who are domestically cohabiting (at least in Metropolitan areas of the North and West) with a man to whom they are not legally married and who don't seem to care if the whole world knows this. But we have met damned few females who want their friends and relatives to know that they have had a one-night stand with a fellow they just met, and with whom they had little or no intention of having sex until he cleverly undermined their last line of defense.
So proselytize, if you will, against the vulnerability of your female friends to the negative thoughts that others (particularly other females) may have about them. Show them, if you can, that they are not really hurt, the great majority of the time, by what anyone thinks of them, but only by their own silly beliefs that it is awful to be criticized. Give them copies of A Guide to Rational Living and other works which one of us (A. E.) has written to prove that it is not others' disapproval that cuts us to the quick, but the exaggerated significance which we give to this disapproval.
This does not mean that a girl cannot suffer, especially in some of the more benighted parts of this country, by getting a reputation for being an easy mark sexually. Unfortunately, she still can. She may be dropped from school, fired from a job, boycotted socially, or otherwise penalized for her liberality, especially if she resides in a small town. Consequently, she should be discreet about some of her sexual affairs and you, as her partner, should be equally discreet. If the time comes when she actually is discovered in some unconventional behavior and people look askance at her, she can still accept their negative attitudes without agreeing with them, and can accept herself though others may condemn her. You, if you believe strongly in the principles of rational living, can help her in this respect, and get her to see that, at most, it will be highly inconvenient, but hardly catastrophic and soul-shattering, if others disapprove of her for some of her sex behavior.
Nevertheless! As long as conditions regarding sex attitudes and behavior remain as they currently are, you'd better learn to keep your big trap shut if you have any intention of seducing many girls in this society. Open your mouth wide, and say as many words, sentences, and paragraphs as you like to the girl herself as you slyly slither your hands through her neckline and under her skirt. But when it comes to telling your buddies and your female friends about what happened at the witching hour when she finally surrendered, watch out! Discretion is the better part of repeated visits to her garden of love.
There is nothing necessarily wrong, then, with seduction-as long as it is practiced in a sane and sensible manner, with a few decent ground rules. This is true of almost any sex act. It is very difficult to think of sexual behavior that is bad, abnormal, or perverted in itself; rather, it is the immoral or disturbed manner ; in which such behavior is practiced which makes it i deviated. A classic case in point is homosexuality. Young boys frequently engage in mutual masturbation and other forms of homosexualism. Adult males in prison or otherwise isolated from females also often have sex relations with other males. There is nothing unusual or perverted about this type of occasional or sporadic participation with members of one's own sex. But when a male can only enjoy other males sexually, or when he obsessively-compulsively seeks homosexual outlets,! or when he is homosexual because he is afraid to fail with females and will not risk encounters with them-under these conditions he tends to become a fixed or confirmed homosexual and to be neurotic about his sexuality.
So with seduction. If you are only interested in seducing one new girl after another, and not in maintaining any other kind of sex relationships; or if you are obsessively-compulsively concerned with seduction, and neglect other important aspects of your life to spend inordinate amounts of time and energy at this game; or if you only attempt seduction with very young girls, because you are afraid you cannot handle older women and that it would be catastrophic if you I got rejected by them-in these circumstances, you are resorting to limited types of sex behavior because of your neurotic blocks, and you are acting abnormally. Similarly, if you are terrified of any kind of seductive activity and you refuse ever to try to persuade a girl to go to bed with you, even when it looks like you would have a good chance of succeeding with her and would have a most enjoyable time, you are needlessly defeating your own ends and are sexually neurotic.
To seduce or not to seduce is not exactly the question-since you can legitimately, at one time and another, do either. As long as you do your seducing or non-seducing in a sane, non-defeating manner, and as long as you take reasonable care not to be inconsiderate to your sexual partner, you should be able to get along quite well in life and in love. How to go about being an intelligent seducer, in terms of effective technique, is another problem-to which we shall now turn.
CHAPTER TWO
SEDUCTION DO'S
Before long, we shall get around to the specific details of seduction. But first, let us consider some guiding principles-some governing philosophies-which you would do well to keep in mind. There are various important do's and don'ts to heed. Here, to begin with, are the do's.
Attract favorable attention
Before you can seduce or have an ongoing relationship with a woman, you must be attractive or have something to "sell" or offer to her. Since all of us are stuck with our looks, and few of us are rich or notably witty, we can't go too far with these kinds of attractions. But there are certain things you can do to attract favorable attention from the great majority of women; and one of these is to become something of a master of the social graces.
Does this mean that no women like boors? Obviously not. Graceless, rough-and-tumble movie stars have been great favorites with the ladies for decades; and some women even seem to favor such goons in real life as well as when safely viewing them on the screen.
If you want to win this kind of gal, O.K.: Be as churlish as you like. But don't expect to meet many of her ilk in your lifetime.
The average woman, no matter where you encounter her, likes to be treated with gentleness and unfailing courtesy. This includes girlfriends, mothers of friends, sisters, school teachers, strangers-almost the whole range of women, regardless of age or position. For this most prevalent type of female, you may require a few lessons in general etiquette. For example:
Speak to men in one tone of voice-to women in softer (though not weak and infirm) tones.
Be maturely protective of women in your company. This does not mean fighting at the drop of a hat. It rarely, if ever, means fighting. But assume that most women are, or at least feel they are, physically weaker I than you, and that they want to know that they can make use of your superior muscular power if the occasion for such use arises.
Learn to be alert in social encounters. When meeting I new people with your girl, make all the introductions called for, and especially make sure that she is clearly introduced to everyone present. Sometimes she will! find it flattering if you refer to her as 'my girl,' 'my fiancee,' or some other possessive term. Help her to remember new people's names and to relate to them socially. See that she is not left out of a group conversation or left to shift for herself at a party where she j knows few people.
Acquire social skills and good manners. You needn't be a stickler for all rules of etiquette-with exaggerated courtesy you may make yourself a bother to others or make them feel you are snobbishly looking down on them-but you can learn to use a knife and fork properly, eat decorously, balance a teacup on your knee, and hold an umbrella over your girl's head (instead of poking her in the eye with it!).
Try to become competent in those social activities which you are likely to share with eligible women. For example, learn to be fairly good at dancing, bridge, and conversation.
Help women when they are carrying heavy objects. This includes assisting strange women you may run into-and whom you may thereby be able to pick up (and later seduce) in the process!
Being socially gracious may occasionally be overrated: for if you get a reputation for being a foppish Mr. Emily Post, independent-thinking women may look at you askance, or think you are a homosexual. But being socially inept and boorish is usually worse; and if you think that courtesy and politeness have no real bearing on sex, you are sadly mistaken. The social graces often pay direct erotic dividends. They lull mothers into thinking you are a highly desirable and safe escort for their daughters. They enable you to get dates with girls who tend to relax their guard. They sometimes earn you special privileges, such as staying out later than the girl normally would. They don't usually vault you directly into milady's bed; but they often allow you to get so close that only a little extra hop will put you there.
Show interest in people
The most fascinating subject in the world is people. You can learn a great deal about masses of people from books and psychology courses, but this kind of information only infrequently helps you with specific individuals. The best way to learn about individuals is from themselves-from your own intimate contacts with them. To this end, here are some means you can try:
Acquire a sincere and boundless interest in people. Realize that novels are great, movies and shows are fine, even television performances are sometimes interesting. But in-person people-watching is among the best of all possible shows; and the performances are practically free and continuous.
Learn the art of making women talk about themselves. Don't think that conversation largely consists of your brilliant bon mots or scintillating monologues. Some of the most charming conversationalists around hardly know a thing beyond hackneyed information from the newspapers or TV newscasts. But they do know enough to ask you what you think of wars and stock market prices, or foods and fashions, or the latest movie and the classic novels. Follow their lead: Open your mouth and ask your female companion what she thinks of the price of spinach in China.
Learn the art of listening. Women, if given half a chance, yap away like all get-out. Why do you think most housewives' phone fines are busy all morning? They're not, most of the time, ordering groceries or asking their office-tied husbands what they'd like to do that evening. The odds are ten to one that they're trying their mothers, girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, and even their mothers-in-law, until they find someone who will listen to their latest tales of boredom and woe. Why assume that your not-yet-married girlfriends are much different? Give them a chance to tell you just about every foolish little thing that has happened to them since you soul-kissed them last Saturday and before they realize what has struck them, you may be on your way to kissing even more delectable parts of their anatomies tonight.
Listening is one of the few main skills that young women attempt to acquire. Beat them at their own game. Answer their questions, then turn the question back on them. They would (even when they don't consciously know it!) prefer to talk about themselves anyway.
The usual gambit you'll encounter from a female is, "Now tell me about yourself," or "What do you do in life, and what do you want to do with the rest of your days?" Be prepared to answer, at least for a starter, with a brief-yes, brief-response. For she often isn't interested, really, in the story of your life; and certainly not in many of its deadly details. She's either sitting on "ready" waiting to tell the story of her life; or she's nervous, uncomfortable, and doesn't know what to say. Therefore, she wants you to start the ball rolling and take her off the hook.
Don't, then, refuse to answer her question or questions. Edit, if you wish: Give her a story of your life that is deliberately highlighted, somewhat amusing, and (as we noted above) relatively brief. If she's really interested in you, you can fill in all kinds of other details a little later. But start off with some of the obviously more interesting things you have done and are now doing.
Should you give her a "line"? No, not too much of one. You don't know how much you will be seeing her in the future, and any real line that you give will have too much exaggeration and falsehood in it, which she will eventually see through. So let your sins largely be those of omission rather than commission. Leave out the dull parts of your past and present doings, and spotlight the adventurous, romantic, and unusual parts.
Forget to tell her, for example, that you work from nine till five, almost every day of the week as an accountant, doing unexciting audits of various people's books. Tell her, instead, about the one or two unusual situations that you get into during the week or month-the crooked customer you have, for instance, who thinks that he is smarter than the Internal Revenue Service, and who usually ends up paying more in fines, if you don't watch him carefully, than he would have paid if he were more honest in the first place. Or forget about the business end of your day-which she probably doesn't give a hoot about, anyway-and tell her about the nutty personalities you keep meeting in the course of it: Your boss, who loses thousands of dollars a year at the racetrack; your assistant, who is obsessed with tall blondes; your customer, who spends much of his office day fighting over the phone with his wife.
While making your stories about yourself and your associates amusing, try to include in them one main idea-such as the thesis that you are determined to become a big man in your field, or your goal in life is mainly to make women happy. If your tale about yourself is rambling and aimless, your companion will tend to find you as undistinguished as all the other males she has talked to in the last few years; while if you have some central theme, and seem determined that your life will lead somewhere, she is more likely to find you memorable and to think that you are an up and coming something or other. A woman doesn't necessarily require that the male she admires and covets be rich and accomplished; but she does like to think that he will do something special in life (and that she, as his potential consort, will be favorably identified with him if he does).
Once you know approximately what you can answer to a girl's questions about yourself, don't give her a long monologue. Do try to intersperse what you say with suitable questions and comments about her. If possible, let her do most of the talking, and from time to time appropriately interrupt with something like, "Oh, so you want to be a computer programmer. That's fascinating! I'm pretty interested in that sort of thing myself. In fact, I once ... If she's not so talkative, remember! not all girls are-and this kind of thing doesn't work, you can reverse it. Mainly talk about your history and doings and plans; and then keep interrupting with, "Did you ever do anything like that? Did you find the job you first wanted to work at didn't turn out the way you thought it would, but led you into other fields that you had hardly thought about before?"
Be prepared with a fairly standard set of questions that you can easily and appropriately ask and she can easily answer. Such questions as "What part of the country did you grow up in?"
"Do you like the work you are in?"
"How do you get along with your mother and father?"
"Where would you like to be in life five years from now?"
Should you use sex as a conversational gambit? By all means, yes; but do so intelligently, so that she neither thinks you are a sex maniac nor a prude. Not only is it likely that she has some distinct interest in this area, but by finding out how she feels about certain sexual topics you can judge fairly well what your chances are of getting her undressed fast and what kind of hassles you will probably have to go through before you induce her to go all the way.
In making sex-conversation, don't put your questions to her in the form of, "Have you ever soul-kissed?" At this kind of query, she may easily become embarrassed, and give you a partial, evasive, or false answer. Use the form: "How did you like it, when you first soul-kissed?" or "Do you think it is all right for girls to soul-kiss, even when they are not madly in love with a fellow?" Ask a question, where possible, that presumes an affirmative response to an implied previous question. In every girl's life there tends to be someone who taught her how to kiss. But you don't ask, "Did someone teach you how to kiss?" You ask, instead, "Tell me about the first time you really learned to kiss," or "Who was the fellow with whom you first learned to kiss?" This kind of question assumes that she has learned, and that she would not be averse to telling you something about how she learned.
If you think the girl you sure with would be skittish about sexual conversation, you can always start off with questions about love. For example: "When did you first fall in love with a fellow?"
"How many times do you think you have been seriously in love?"
"How long did your most intense love feelings last?"
"What happened to make you fall out of love with the guy who was the greatest one in your life?"
"What kind of a man do you think you will marry?" In answering these seemingly innocuous questions, most girls will give away some of their sex attitudes, too, even though you may never specifically query them on that score.
Once things get started, and the girl seems to be responding well to your sex-love questions (and you simultaneously keep revealing to her various facts about your own prior boy-girl intimacies), you may become considerably more explicit. You may ask whether she enjoys sex; what kind of lover she likes best; what movies and novels she responds to sexually; whether she is guilty about masturbation; etc.
Most of these questions, however, may have to be reserved for older girls or for those with whom you have already had some intimate conversation and who seem to be able to respond frankly. You have to face the fact that the more intimate and personal your questions are, the thinner the ice on which you are skating often becomes. Watch the girl's reactions closely and try to see that you do not frighten or inhibit her too much. If the ice does get too thin, it is often wise to beat a temporary retreat.
Watch, also, your own actions and reactions! If you can ask even the most intimate questions calmly, matter-of-factly, with no quivering of your voice and with the assumption that you are making perfectly respectable queries and that there is nothing wrong about her answering you in a similarly matter-of-fact way, you will get much more information from a date than otherwise. This is the secret of such students of sex as the Kinsey research team and Dr. William H. Masters and Mrs. Virginia Johnson. They are able to discuss any aspect of sexuality with such equanimity and objectivity that their interviewees quickly see that there is nothing sensational about anything they might say, and nothing that would in the least shock the investigators. Consequently, these respondents tell the researchers things about themselves that they never would have thought of telling anyone else on such short notice.
If you can really believe that there is nothing wrong with a girl's sex behavior, no matter what she tells you about it, and that even if she has made some notable errors in her life (such as becoming illegitimately pregnant or participating in highly masochistic relations with a male) you would never think of condemning her for these errors, you will frequently get a large amount of personal sex information from her that she may never have told anyone before. But if you show puritanical or condemning notions about certain aspects of sexuality and about those who perpetrate such deeds, you can be pretty sure that she will put on an equally puritanical show and act as if she is the purest of virgins when she may be anything but.
Do you need practice in talking to girls about sex and related subjects? You certainly do! You weren't born to speak dispassionately about passion; and you generally have to learn to do so. Stand in front of a mirror, if necessary, and practice asking questions like, "When you took World History in high school, what was your grade?" You know damned well she took World History and made some grade. There is nothing exciting or unusual in this. Now that you have mastered that kind of question, go on-still in front of the mirror-to sexually intimate questions, to see if you can ask them in exactly the same tone of voice and with the same calm inflection. "When you went with your last boyfriend, how did you feel about heavy petting?" Got it now?
If so, on to the next step: Practice with a real, live girl. Try it on almost any girl-preferably the next one you date. Will you get the question out just right with her? Probably not. Why should you, when you've never tried anything like that before? But will you learn, by your imperfect delivery, how to do it a little better next time ... and next time ... and next time? You certainly will-if you don't blame yourself for not doing it perfectly this time ... and the last time ... and the time before that. So just keep trying. Use the mirror method. Try talking into a tape recorder. Make attempts with actual dates. So you won't do so well a few-even many-times. So what? Practice makes perfect if it is directed and shaped by a known goal, if it is improved and guided by expert advice, and if it is consciously modified by past mistakes. Keep trying.
Handle women gently and patiently
Don't be rough; don't tussle; don't have any knockdown fights; don't use force. (There are exceptions to prove all rules, of course, but very few to these.) Accept all refusals, rejections, and frustrations calmly, with good grace and dignity. Try not to lose your good humor.
This is all very easy to say-but how do you actually do it? Very simply, if you are willing to work hard at it. Whenever you are refused by a girl-which, we hope, will be often, thus proving that you are really in there trying and trying-admit the truth to yourself: "I got refused. There is probably something about me that she doesn't like, and I wish I didn't have this deficiency in her eyes. But I do have it. Tough!" Then refuse to admit what may seem to be the logical, but actually is the illogical, corollary of this statement: "And isn't it awful that I don't have what she desires. Am I not a perfect bum for being thus deficient!"
It is this second set of beliefs, and not the first, that makes you feel hurt and cantankerous. And it is a false set; for it is not awful, but merely unfortunate, that you are lacking what she wants in a man. You are not a bum for being deficient in her eyes: You are merely a person who is a little too fallible for her, but who may be more than satisfactory for many other women and who can lead a pretty happy existence even if you never win her (or, for that matter, any girl like her).
If you get terribly angry about being refused by a girl, and begin to resort to some rough treatment, you are again the victim of a second silly set of beliefs: That because she has made things rough for you, you can't stand it, it shouldn't be that way, and you hate her and this awful world for being so unfair. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, good-humored, and patient even when things are going badly for you with females, then you are telling yourself the truth: (a) that you don't like the unfortunate fate that has been dealt out to you; and (b) that even though you don't like it, you can stand it, and you don't have to demand grandiosely that the girl and the universe treat you exactly the way you would like to be treated.
So if you have a sane philosophy of fife, and follow Epictetus' injunction to do your best to change the things that you can change, calmly accept those you can't, and know the difference between the two, you can then handle women gently and patiently, and increase your chances of making it successfully with them. You can then approach females slowly and confidently-moving deliberately and firmly with few sudden and unnecessary motions that may frighten them or make them think you are hysterical and weak.
Minimize sex antagonism
Face the fact that the two sexes, in our society as well as in nature in general, are different. Not always, of course, and not in every conceivable way; for there is a considerable overlap in the behavior of males and females. But males do tend to be stronger, more direct, and more dominating; and, as we noted above, they usually have greater and more imperious sex drives. What is more, we reside in a culture where the male still gains in reputation if he copulates with large numbers of females, where the female is more or less looked down upon by many of her associates if she is even moderately promiscuous.
Because of these biological and sociological differences, considerable sex antagonism currently exists. Men resent women for being so slow to warm up sexually, for warding males off even when they, the women, are aroused and want to have intercourse, and for making many nonsexual demands (for entertainment or marriage, for example) before they will regularly accede to the male's sex urges. Women, at the same .time, are often bitter against men for wanting to lay them lovelessly, for being obsessed with their sexual organs rather than with their minds or other attributes, and for being more or less fickle.
You didn't create this sex antagonism in our society; but you have to live with it and, if possible, minimize it in your relations with females. Show them that you don't think of them mainly or only as sex objects; that you are able, in at least some instances, to copulate lovingly and not just passionately; and that you can be faithful to one woman if she proves to be a satisfying sex-love partner.
Indicate to your dates that you truly respect women in general and that you don't have any kind of double standards that you apply to their sexual conduct. Prove by your demeanor and your behavior that you do not think that any woman is a "slut" or a "tramp." Some women have sex for one reason, some for another. Some have sex more frequently than others. Some have sex in marriage and some outside of legal matrimony.
But all women, you should endeavor to believe and to indicate, are ladies, are humans, are people. And none is to be condemned because she engages in sex acts which you would think nothing of if performed by a man.
Be helpful
Women can usually accept a great deal of help. They tend to be weak and over-conforming. They knock themselves down mercilessly for their sexual and other mistakes. They have difficulty in accepting themselves as females. They have great hangups about how old, or how homely, or otherwise deficient they are. They are often terribly afraid that they have made a poor choice of sexual partner and that they have done the wrong things with him. They are incredibly vulnerable in many, many ways-for a multitude of reasons.
The moral of all this would seem obvious: Never try to rob a woman, to make her weaker, or tear her down. Build her up as much as you can. Help her work on her self-picture and see that she can fully accept herself even with her deficiencies and her errors. Show her, if humanly possible, how to be more positive toward sexuality, to enjoy it more, to look forward to having it again and again. Let her know that she can love and be loved-and that when she chooses wrongly and is not approved or adored, she can still accept herself and solve her own problems of living. Help her to be more positive toward men. toward marriage, toward life itself. If this is the attitude that you take toward the females with whom you try to have sex relations, you will almost certainly abet your own affairs with them, and you will even more certainly be of inestimable help to them and to the males with whom they may have subsequent affairs.
Knowledge is Power
If you were going to try to persuade anyone to buy a product or an idea, you would acquire as much knowledge as you could about the thing you were selling. The field of sex is no different. When you go out to seduce a girl, you are trying to persuade her to accept you and to want sex with you. This implies that you have at least two major fields to know: psychology and sexology.
As to psychology, first try to know yourself. Know what your tastes are; how you react to different situations; what you can reasonably expect of yourself conversationally, in practice, and otherwise. Understand, particularly, your weak points. Are you easily angered? Are you subject to anxiety? What can you do to make yourself less upsettable? What situations should you avoid because you are likely to react badly?
Learn as much as you can about females, and about the psychology of the one you are attempting to enjoy sexually. Get as much experience as you can in being with and dealing with women. Talk to them about their desires, aims, attitudes, values. Be friendly with several girls in whom you have little or no sex-love interest and try to have an easy, honest relationship with them, so that you can find out what they think about various issues, and what they think about the tactics you are taking with other girls in whom you are sexually interested. Having male confidants with whom you can talk about your problems with women is fine; but having a few female confidants is much better.
What should you know about sex? As much as you can! Many women keep themselves from having intimate relations with males because they think that they cannot have sex while they are menstruating, that having two lovers at a time is being promiscuous, that syphilis can easily be acquired through kissing, or some other such nonsense. The more you know about the facts of life, the more you will be able to disabuse these women of their false notions, and remove some of their silly blocks to sex.
Other sex knowledge can also be helpful. About female erogenous zones, for example; about foolproof methods of contraception; about various methods of arousal and copulation. Some of this knowledge you will find in the following pages; but since this is not an encyclopedia of sex, other sources are also relevant. Read several basic texts on sex-such as Studies in the Psychology of Sex by Havelock Ellis, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female by Alfred C. Kinsey and his associates, Human Sexual Response by William Masters and Virginia Johnson, and The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior by Albert Ellis and Albert Abarbanel. Read a few modern marriage manuals-such as The Sexually Responsive Woman by Phyllis and Eberhard Kronhausen, The Art and Science of Love by Albert Ellis, An ABZ of Love by Inge and Sten Hegeler, and Secret Techniques of Erotic Delight by Vyvyan Howarth.
Most of all, gain your sex experiences with as many different females as you can. You can only basically know women by knowing women: there simply is no other way. And the more girls you go out with, make passes at, get refused by, and get accepted by, the more you will discover about the psychology and sexology of the fair sex. Naturally, in the process of acquiring this kind of knowledge you will make many errors. Rut that's the way, being a human, you learn: by trial and error. So time's a wasting: get going!
CHAPTER THREE
SEDUCTION DON'TS
You are now preparing yourself to do many of the things it would be wise for you to do if you are to become adept at persuading women to enjoy sex with you. What are some of the important things that you should avoid doing? Here are some of the most significant seduction don'ts.
Don't have sex with an incompetent
From both a legal and selfish standpoint there are many kinds of sexual incompetents with whom you should avoid having relations. Legally, age is usually the big issue. In most states of the union, you commit the crime of statutory rape when you have intercourse with a girl who is under eighteen years of age; and statutory rape is a very serious offense that may lead to harsh penalties. What is more, even if you do not have actual coitus with an under-age girl, you may be liable to prosecution for such statutory offenses as carnal abuse, lewdness, sodomy, or corrupting the morals of a minor. Some of these sex crimes are misdemeanors, some are felonies; all of them, in case you are actually apprehended and convicted, can be a hardship if not a disaster, and some of them can haunt you-particularly in relation to employment-for the rest of your life.
Nor is tenderness of age the only hazard that you are likely to encounter when you have sex with a female. Suppose a girl is well over the age of eighteen but she is mentally deficient or psychotic; or she is closely related to you; or, if you are a physician, a dentist, or a psychologist, she is one of your patients.
Under these conditions, even if she "willingly" has intercourse with you the courts may find that she is not legally competent to consent; and you may be in for a charge of statutory rape or incest.
So watch it! Find out (a) what the laws regarding sexual consent are in your community and (b) how likely the enforcement agencies are to enforce them. Some sex laws-such as those forbidding adultery-clearly exist on the statute books of many states, but are virtually never enforced. Other laws-such as those forbidding coitus with girls who are seventeen years and eleven months old-also exist and are often enforced. Look up the statutes in your own state. Speak to a competent criminal lawyer. Get the facts before you start winning the consent of a girl who is judged to be legally incompetent.
Assuming that you get the legal precautions out of the way, and are reasonably safe from the sheriff's clutches, should you still try to seduce a girl who is really incompetent? No, not usually. Suppose you have a chance at one who is quite stupid (though not mentally deficient), exceptionally ignorant, or very neurotic (though not psychotic) and suppose that there is a good chance that you can get her to bed. Why should you not? For several reasons:
1. She will probably not be a very good sex partner. She may hardly be able to go through the motions adequately; and, even if she does, she will be available more in body than in spirit, and it is un-likely that your enjoyment will be anything but minimal.
2. The time and effort you have to take to seduce an incompetent is hardly worth it. A stupid and unwilling girl may require hours to be convinced that sex is really not a horrible business and that she might well enjoy it. Is it really worth all this effort with her, when you could just as well look for a brighter and more eager partner? If you were on a desert island with the dull girl, that might be a different story.
3. Once you get an incompetent female to bed, you may rue the consequences. She may become so attached to you (and think that she is incapable of getting any other male) that you may have one devil of a time getting rid of her. She may foolishly manage to get herself pregnant by you. She may turn out to be all right sexually, but may bore you so thoroughly in your nonsexual intimacies that you may want to be rid of her immediately and yet feel obligated, now that you have literally opened her up to sex, to continue to have relations with her.
For various reasons, then, it would be better if you kept away from incompetent gals. If no other females are available, or if you think that you can educate a female to become much more competent than she now is, or if you are so sexually ignorant yourself that almost any kind of experience would be better than none-then the game may be worth the candle. But if there are no such extenuating circumstances, stop wasting your time, and look for more suitable partners.
Don't be dishonest or break a trust
You will, sooner or later, encounter a situation where it is advisable for you to assure a woman that you will not go beyond a certain point. One will agree, for instance, to sleep all night with you in the same bed, as long as you do not attempt to have actual intercourse with her; and you will find it advisable to set this restriction to your being with her. It is usually unwise to make any such assurance; but, if you do make it, be certain to word it so that the restriction does not exist after a particular night.
But once made, five up to the assurance you have given to the very best of your ability. Remain true to your word-even though you very much regret having given it. After you go through some degree of hell a few times, you'll regret that you spoke hastily and you'll probably learn not to make promises so quickly or cavalierly.
Does this mean that if you promise a woman that if she goes to bed you will not try to copulate with her, and that if she then begs you to do exactly that, you have to stick to your original promise to the exact letter? No, not necessarily. What you are really promising-if you are at all wise-is that if she gets into bed with you and if she still only wants to snuggle and pet but not go further, you will respect her wishes. But you are not promising that if she begs you to go further you will disregard those wishes. In certain circumstances-as when neither of you is contraceptively prepared-you might still refuse intercourse even if she does beg for it. But under most conditions, as long as you are convinced that she has truly changed her mind, it is quite legitimate for you to accept her changing.
What about when you are trusted not to have sex with a woman by a third party-say, a close male friend of yours who is her husband or long-time lover-and she wants to give you her all? Normally, no! Trust is trust; and you should value your real friendships more than an occasional lay. If you and your friend's wife are madly in love and you are willing to give up his friendship to pursue the great love with her, that may be worth it-even though he considers you a villain for knifing him in the back. But having a one-night stand with his girlfriend or wife and jeopardizing your longstanding closeness with him generally isn't worth it, and you are foolish to give up a meaningful and good relationship for temporary sex titillation.
Besides, your enlightened self interest should tell you that you would not want your male friends bedding down with your wife or sweetheart (unless that kind of thing doesn't bother you, and you have an agreement with her that both of you can have other affairs without endangering your relationship). Sure, you may have to pass up some exciting adventures with your friends' wives to avoid provoking said friends into trying to run off with your lady love every week or so. But isn't that kind of sacrifice worth it? Can you expect all the advantages of life with none of the disadvantages?
Don't use force or threats of force
Do not start or prolong a relationship in which you can only get what you want from a woman sexually by threat or by moral pressure. If you find it necessary to keep a girlfriend in fine by continually threatening to stop going with her unless she does this or that-get out!
Decide what you want from any relationship to make it worthwhile to you. Frame your decision in the form of a pressure-less request. Let the girl know what makes you happy sexually and otherwise and what kind of things you do not like. Meanwhile, try to find out from her what she likes and dislikes in her relations with you. While trying to accede as much as you can to her requests, calmly note how much she is willingly acceding to yours.
If she is motivated to succeed, fine. If not, think seriously of dropping her and letting her stay dropped. Don't keep bargaining all the time; don't threaten. If she concedes out of fear, you may be pretty sure that her concession is half-hearted and temporary. Try to get what you want as a willing gift from a woman-or try to get it elsewhere from a more willing partner. If she doesn't know how to give-give up.
If you have to keep bargaining for sex, it generally isn't worth it. Occasionally, a girl is so delightful, so good for you nonsexually, that you are willing to keep pressing her for sexual favors. But not very often! And, no matter how great she may be, the chances are that there are plenty of other girls who are just about as fine as she-and who want, sexually, what you spontaneously want. Look for one (or more!) of them.
Avoid buying sex with words of love
If a woman lets you know that she will not have sex with you unless you say, "I love you," be reluctant to purchase responsiveness on this basis-unless, of course, you really do love her. Words are cheap; and it will seemingly not cost you anything to keep telling women that you love them when you really don't. But there are hidden costs in this procedure: Because the woman thinks that you really do love her, she will demand many other things (such as economic help) from you; she will often feel terribly hurt when your actions belie some of your words; she will "enjoy" sex with you for the wrong reasons, because she thinks you are mad about her, and not because she really thrills to your touch or your kiss.
It may be different if you are married to a woman or if you intend to stay with her for a long time. Then, even though you love her little or infrequently, it may be best to let her think that you love her more than you do. For a wife who thinks that you do not love her enough will tend to shrivel up sexually, and give you and herself less enjoyment than she otherwise would. And if you can from time to time tell her that you love her, when you are actually exaggerating the degree that you do, this may be the best all-around solution to a situation that never will be too good.
With a more temporary girlfriend, things are different. You are not stuck with her, since there are generally many other possible female partners available. So what is the point of keeping her at the expense of telling lies? You are only selling yourself short; and you are rarely doing her much good either. Even if she would feel terribly hurt if you told her the truth, the chances are that she would survive and accept you with little love; or else she would force herself to break with you and seek someone else who would naturally care for her more than you do. Give yourself and her a better chance! Be as honest as possible with her-without going out of your way cruelly to tell her that you never really did love her and that she is so deficient that practically no one else could.
Don't beg
No matter how frustrated you may be with a temporary or permanent girlfriend, don't insist to her that you need sex and that you will be entirely miserable without it. You don't need sex-nor practically anything but food, clothing, and shelter, in order to survive. You want it very much; you will be considerably less happy without than with it; and you intend to have it, if possible. But you still don't need it; you won't die without it.
If you do beg, you may actually get some sex from your girl. But it will be at the expense of (a) selling your soul; (b) inducing her to do something she really doesn't want to do right then; (c) training her so that next time, and the next and the next, you'll probably have to beg, (d) refusing to face the fact that it might be much better if you stopped begging her and found another girl who wouldn't have to be implored.
Don't use a line
A "line" is a string of patter, much of which may be exaggerated or untrue, which is designed to impress, and which you tend to repeat with one girl after another. Lines are ineffective and reflect a lazy attitude on your part. , For one thing, almost any intelligent woman can spot a line quickly, and when she does you're practically dead with her. For another, it does not tend to produce effective results even when it is not recognized.
Every woman is somewhat different. If it's worth your time and effort to seduce her or to have a relationship with her, then it should be worthwhile for you to recognize her differences from other women and to relate to these differences. Therefore, adapt yourself to her in particular and not to her as a feminine statistic. And be as honest as feasible-albeit, as we have previously noted, with certain selected sins of omission. To be dishonest is to risk discovery, to have to keep lying to back up previous lies, and to be anxious about being caught in your own tale-spinning.
Don't use wholesale flattery
Flattery consists of saying something you don't really believe in an effort to produce a good effect on a woman. Avoid it.
This doesn't mean that you should not be complimentary. But it will be a rare girl you date who does not have genuinely good traits that you can keep pointing out to her; these you should discover and describe.
In the area of compliments, do not stick to the infantile repertoire of most men, which consists of (a) on seeing your girl dressed for a date: "That's a pretty dress," or "You look nice;" (b) on her person: "You're pretty," or "You've got a nice figure."
Certain rules that you can follow in order to be notable in this respect are these:
1. Tend to avoid what other men say. Your girl has heard these things before and will lump you with the others if you parrot this kind of stuff.
2. Rarely compliment her on the obvious. "How nice of you to win that contest," doesn't say very much, since she and everyone else knows she won it. Find something about her that is not so obvious, and tell her what's good about that.
3. Compliment the parts rather than the whole. "You're such a nice girl," is much too vague. "One of the things that's nice about you is the unusual way that you wear your hair," is much more specific and meaningful.
4. Put effort into compliments. If you say what comes most easily to your lips, it may be trite and uninteresting. Look for something less commonplace to say in her favor.
5. Insofar as you can, honestly compliment those aspects of your girl that she is most proud of or vain about. If you tell her how well she looks, and she would much rather be known for her brains, you are not helping her or your cause very much. Find out what she most wants to have or be and look for something in that direction to commend her for.
6. Frequently try to compliment her on something that, in her own case, is unusual or rare. If she is beautiful, praise her intelligence; if she is intelligent, find something beautiful about her.
7. Try not to lie. Few males have a good enough memory to be a good liar, and it is improbable that you are one of them. Instead of making sweeping or extravagant statements, make well-qualified and honest ones. Even qualify your superlatives. Don't say, "You are the most beautiful (or intelligent or artistic) girl I ever met." Rather: "You are among the most ... or "In the top ten...." Don't say, "The thing I like best about you is your tiny feet." For as surely as night follows day, six months later she'll say, "You remember what you said was the thing you like best about me?"-and there you'll be minus any recollection of what you said you liked best about her. So, instead: "One of the best things I like about you is...."
8. Develop a hard core of honesty in response to her direct questions. If you evade, your opinion will not be valued. This does not mean that you have to be brutal or categorical about her bad traits that cannot be changed-such as her height, hairline, eye color, or breast size. Make your opinions on these points as gentle as possible, if she presses you for an answer.
But if your girlfriend is too fat, dyes her hair a lousy color, has a flossy permanent, or is wearing a hideous dress, and if she presses you to tell her what you feel about this attribute, then give her a straight answer (softened by a reminder that, of course, this is only your opinion). If you practice this kind of honesty over a period of time, your opinion will come to be respected.
9. Stick to your own favorable biases, and disregard those of your date. She may, in answer to your honest compliment, say: "You're biased. You just like me. I'm not really as good as all that." Don't let her self-deprecation divert you one iota. Stick to your guns and ignore her lack of appreciation of herself.
Don't be judgmental
You are bound, as you try to have affairs with this girl and that one, to make errors and to wreck some of your best chances. Too bad! But that's all it is: too damned bad. It is not horrible, if you fail; and you are not horrible for failing. The more you condemn yourself for your amorous mistakes, the less you will be able to rectify them in the future. What is more, unless you are around eighty years of age, you do have something of a future, and usually a considerable one at that, ahead of you. That is what you should be concentrating on: "Now that I've messed up this sex-love venture, what can I learn by my mistake to help myself succeed at the next one?"
The same will be true of the girls you encounter. Beezelbulb knows that they make serious blunders in their relations with you (and with others). They lead you on to think you are going to have a great time in bed with them that night-then they stop short after a little petting, say that they are really not feeling well, and call the whole thing off for the evening. They obviously grant John and Joe the utmost sexual sacrament-then they keep pushing you away as if they were vestal virgins. O.K. So they're wrong as wrong can be; and you have to suffer their sorry failings. Would that it were not so! But it indubitably is. And if you are to get anywhere with these difficult, fallible girls, you'd better dispassionately and compassionately accept the fact that it is. Don't condemn them for their nefarious ways; don't say or insinuate that they deserve to be roasted in hell for not giving you your due. The more you carp at them for their presumed misbehavior, the less eager they will usually be to behave better with you in the future. Or, if you do get them to change their ways because of your castigation, they will surrender to you resentfully, or with flavorless martyrdom. And is that the kind of "cooperation" you really want?
If you must be judgmental-and we strongly advise you not to be-at least don't judge until all the facts are in. So your date is late, for the umpteenth time. Quite probably, she is inconsiderately forgetful, or is perfectionistically taking too much time to make up her eyebrows, or is even flirtatiously engaged in conversation with some other fellow while she keeps you waiting. But probably doesn't mean certainly. It could be, this particular time, that there really was a tie-up in traffic or her mother did have hysterics just as she was about to leave. Before you angrily sail into her, at least find out the facts. She may, for once, have a legitimate excuse. See if she does, before you start lighting a fire in your blood stream.
Watch your preconceptions!
Don't assume just because a woman looks a certain way that she is bound to act the ways she looks. This goes for both sides of the sex fence: positive and negative. The fact that a girl you date looks like she is bursting out of her brassiere and that she hardly will be able to keep her hands off you for a second does not mean that there is any accurate reality behind these appearances. And, conversely, when your date for the evening appears to be a horned-rim-glasses type, with stringy hair, sallow complexion, and buck teeth that indicate to you that she is as passionate as an iceberg, you may actually find-with a little probing and prodding-that she is both warm-hearted and hot-blooded and that just because she has (and knows she has) such a discouraging exterior, she may be more than eager to make you swallow your predictions by jumping into bed with you pronto. By the same token, behind the mask of a sharp tongue and an apparently nasty disposition, lies many a battered ego ready to respond passionately to sex. So don't let a woman's looks snow you. Never judge a book by its cover!
Another preconception to watch is that arising from your date's previous experiences. If you happen to know, from very reliable sources, that she is an "easy lay," and that she has had sex with many men before you, do not assume that she will go to bed with you almost immediately. Even if a girl has had sex with an entire football team in one night, this still says nothing about what she will do with you. She may not like your type; or, oddly enough, she may like you so much that she doesn't let herself fornicate with you, while she plays fast and loose with other males for whom she does not particularly care and with whom she thinks she has nothing to lose.
By the same token, the fact that a woman has never had sex with any man in her life implies little about your chances for success with her. You are an individual in your own right, and your relationship with her may be quite different from any she has had with other men. Moreover, she may decide to let you devirginized her just because she has never had intercourse and thinks it is about time that she did. Sex is a highly personal thing to most women, and you should not make assumptions about what a date will do with you on the basis of what she has or has not done with other men.
You may easily make a mistake in this regard when you go with divorcees. Statistically, they tend to have more nonmarital affairs than do single or married women. By all means seek them out as dates and companions. But just because your chances may be greater with a divorcee than with a nondivorced woman, don't assume that the one you are dating will or must go to bed with you. She may; but there is no reason why she must.
Don't assume that any woman owes you sex
No matter what you do with a woman, nor how well you treat her, she does not owe you sex in return. Legally, if you are married to a woman, she does owe you sex, and it is sometimes possible to get the marriage annulled if she does not pay you this "debt." Actually, of course, this is an archaic law, and should be repealed.
In any event, don't act on this legal assumption in your relations with women. A prostitute may owe you sex, once you pay for her services. But a date, no matter how well you treat her, does not have to satisfy, or even try to satisfy, you sexually. You hope she will; but she does not have to.
It is unrealistic for you to bitch and moan, when a woman frustrates you sexually, "You got me all hot and bothered and now you owe it to me to me to satisfy me." Like almighty hell she does! She doesn't owe you a damned thing-except, possibly, a certain amount of human courtesy; and there is really no reason why she has to "pay off" even with that. Don't forget, in these circumstances, that you got yourself hot and bothered, that you allowed her (even induced her) to arouse you; and she is in no way obligated to do anything to satisfy you.
Ethically, you should not ever arouse a woman fully and then make no attempt to give her an orgasmic release. By the same token, an ethically minded woman will not arouse you and refuse to give you, in some way or other, an orgasm. But neither you nor your date is obligated to be ethical; it is merely preferable that you be. If a woman keeps arousing you, and then refuses to satisfy you in any way, you are justified in having nothing more to do with her. But don't make yourself angry, don't childishly demand that she treat you nicely. Just calmly note that sexually ethical behavior is not her bent-and go find other women who are more inclined to be fair about sex.
Don't avoid love to avoid pain
If you want to avoid feeling any hurt in your sex/love relationships, you can easily keep away from falling in love and exposing yourself to emotional trauma. But if you do use this technique of saving yourself from hurt, you are very foolish; for you thrown out the baby with the bath water and "protect" yourself in a self-defeating manner.
No one that we know ever really died of a broken heart; and many lovers, as Byron and several of the other romantic poets indicated, gained a heck of a lot by letting themselves love unrequitedly. Pain is an experience; and as long as it does not consist of self-deprecation or hostility against others, it can deepen and mature you. There is some pain in all loving; and if you really try to escape from all emotional turmoil, you will most likely escape from all love.
Moreover, if you acquire a truly self-accepting philosophy of life you will be able to love freely and openly and still avoid depression and deep-seated anxiety. For the latter are not born of doubt and uncertainty-which are rather intrinsic to loving-but of self-deprecation. It is not the loss of a girlfriend which makes you deeply depressed, but your irrational belief that you are no good without her. It would be sad and regrettable if you did not win her love-but that's all it would be, if you refrained from beating yourself over the head for not winning it.
You can learn, then, to let yourself fall freely in love; and then, if things go wrong with your affair (which they frequently do!) to tell yourself, "I'm really sorry that she doesn't care for me as much as I would like her to; and I shall be sad about that for some time to come, whenever I remember how great it would have been if she cared more. But the fact that she loves me less than I would like her to does not mean that I am worthless, nor that I cannot find other suitable girls who will care deeply for me. So, rather than mooning about her, I shall actively seek my next beloved. And, if necessary, the next ... and the next ... and the next!"
Don't marry under pressure
In the course of your seduction activities, you may be placed under pressure to marry a girl of whom you are somewhat fond and who appears to be a great bedmate, but toward whom you are maritally lukewarm. Resist!
Marriage is a difficult enough relationship without your making it more so. Lots of girls, who are desperate to marry for one reason or another, may try to get you to the altar when you are not inclined to plunge. Sometimes they will threaten to break off with you if you do not get engaged; or say that they will then marry someone else; or even, occasionally, hint at committing suicide. No matter! Unless you really think a girl will make an excellent wife for you, and unless you are financially, emotionally, and otherwise ready for the harsh realities of married life, firmly hold your ground and let the girl do what she will.
Suppose a girl becomes pregnant by you, should you then feel obligated to marry her? No. Not all marriages made under such conditions fail; but most of them are seriously handicapped. For several reasons:
1. Both participants know that they married not because they were ready to marry, but because they felt they had to. Neither may ever be convinced, therefore, that the other really loved him or her and truly wanted to wed.
2. Such marriages are almost always precipitously and prematurely made. The growing together and the emotional readying that are normally achieved when there is no outside force propelling the couple toward marrying are usually skipped.
3. Both mates tend to blame themselves and the other for the pregnancy. They wonder, perhaps for years afterward, what would have happened to them, and whom else they would have married, if pregnancy had not occurred. It may take either or both of them quite awhile truly to accept the marriage.
4. People should think very carefully these days before they bring a child into the world. Not only is it rather irresponsible, in the light of the present population explosion, to add to the number of people who already inhabit this crowded earth; but it is even more irresponsible to bring forth a child who is not wanted and who may be poorly cared for because one or both parents would rather remain childless. More than enough unwanted children are conceived and born to couples who are already married; and if unmarried individuals keep carelessly adding to this number, and therefore marrying, the world will hardly become a better place in which to live.
So consider carefully before you marry any girl whom you do not strongly love and want to live with for many years. Marriages with a great amount of affection and mutual interest in forming a lasting partnership are hard enough to maintain happily today. Those that are additionally handicapped by tepid love and reluctance to live together have a much smaller chance of joyous survival. You may think yourself unfeeling and unkind to leave a girl in the lurch when she desperately wants to marry and you do not; but in most instances you will prove to be much less kind when you hesitatingly espouse her.
CHAPTER FOUR
SETTING THE STAGE
You may consistently succeed-in some endeavor without having a very clear conception of your goal; but this is not very likely. Similarly with seduction: Unless you understand what is your aim, you are probably not going to get very far. Let us start the clarification process by trying for a clear-cut definition of the term itself.
Rigorously defined, seduction is the process of persuading an initially unwilling female to have sex with you for the purpose of your own enjoyment. It may include her greatly enjoying the sex relations too; but it also may not. Seduction also occurs when you are relatively uninterested in having sex with a woman and she induces you to have it.
Is seduction really worth striving for? Obviously it often is: Since by engaging successfully in this process you learn sexual skills and techniques, you get a certain amount of carnal satisfaction, and you may revel in the game and the challenge of inducing a somewhat reluctant woman to become enthusiastic about going to bed with you.
Does seduction have important disadvantages? It certainly may! For example:
1. By the very definition of the process, you can see that you place yourself, when you are seductive, in something of a pointless and endless endeavor. Like a squirrel in a cage, you may run and run and never quite get anywhere. For seduction necessarily takes place with an initially unwilling female; and as soon as you induce her to become willing, the seductive process ceases. Although the thrills of the chase, and the sense of power you may gain by overcoming opposition may at first exhilarate you, when you are faced with a steady diet of chasing, the game may pall.
2. The "ego inflation" that many males find in seduction, and that you may feel when an attractive woman enthusiastically wants you after first taking a dim view of having anything sexually to do with you, is almost always a Pyrrhic victory. True self-esteem or ego-enhancement occurs, as the senior author of this book (A. E.) has pointed out in his writings for many years now, when you fully accept yourself whether or not others approve of you and whether or not you excel at any tasks. When you like yourself or consider yourself a worthwhile person because you are a great seducer (or a great anything else), you are accepting yourself only contingently; and you are ever ready to fall on your face and dislike yourself when you fail at any task or find that some significant person disapproves of you. Since it is virtually impossible for you always to succeed or receive approbation from others, the time is bound to come-and sooner than you think! when your "ego inflation" will be reversed and you will feel, as the saying goes, lower than whale dung. Especially if you use seduction as a method of ego-raising you are certain to encounter scores of girls who will not surrender to your manly wiles; and then where will you and your blasted "ego" be?
If your pride in yourself, moreover, depends to any considerable degree on your success with women, you will tend to remain anxious even when you are having a series of successes. For how do you know whether this present woman, or the next, or the next will fall? And since your definition of yourself is, "I am only a worthwhile individual and have a good ego when I get this gal to bed," you will be anxious at the prospect-which, of course, always exists-of your not achieving copulative ecstasy with her. A person with a truly healthy ego enjoys himself rather than rates himself. He acknowledges that his performances are good, bad, or indifferent; but he doesn't falsely evaluate his total being, his self, in terms of these performances. Consequently, he enjoys himself when he has a willing and actively participating female partner and he also accepts himself when he has an initially reluctant partner whom he has to try to seduce.
3. Although you may learn a good deal about arousing a girl sexually in practicing the art of seduction, arousal is hardly the whole of sex activity; and you may tend to become too one-sided in this regard, and not focused enough on satisfying a willing female with whom you have steady sex relations. Moreover, the "kicks" that you get from seduction will not usually exist in a continuing affair; and it is possible that such affairs will become relatively monotonous and boring once your gratification stems mainly from the seductive process.
4. The goal of the conquest often becomes so important in seduction that the goal of sex pleasure itself is almost lost from sight. When you finally get a reluctant girl to be willing and you have copulatory relations with her, sex may seem anticlimactic. Your concentration on seducing may be so great that when ejaculation finally occurs you can hardly feel, much less enjoy, it.
Unadulterated seduction, therefore, is often a great game; but it does have drawbacks. Any extreme form of human behavior tends to be one-sided and disadvantageous, and human neurosis largely consists of going from one extreme to another, without remaining very long at any midpoint. In regard to seduction, therefore, we recommend a more moderate or modified form--one that has the goal of inducing one or more initially reluctant girls to have a ball with you sexually, but that also looks for other kinds of enjoyment and longer range involvements with some of these girls.
Modified seduction includes the goal of your giving pleasure to your partner, of providing her with sexual satisfaction even at some temporary cost to you. It involves your finding an unwilling female and then doing your best to provide her with so much satisfaction that both this time and the next she becomes more willing. Where, in unadulterated seduction, you strive for a series of unrelated incidents, and make the conquests themselves all-important, in modified seduction you still have such incidents from time to time, but you also strive for a continuing relationship with at least a minority (or even the majority) of the females with whom you have these incidents.
The skills you are likely to learn in modified seduction can readily be applied to an ongoing marital or nonmarital relationship. Instead of helping you to become a self-centered, unloving individual who may revel in cruel and unkind affairs, modified seduction encourages you to become more outgoing and related. It enables you to build your sexual release into deeper and more abiding pleasure.
Modified seduction, in other words, can be defined as the process of persuading an initially unwilling female to engage in sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) for the purposes of (a) your own immediate and future enjoyment with her; (b) her sex-love satisfaction; and (c) the hope that she will be so fulfilled by having an affair with you that she will have a more positive attitude toward sex and be eager to seek it on her own initiative (with you or other males) in the future. This form of seduction, as you will note, is not only useful and beneficial with a new girl whom you encounter, but it may be employed with one whom you have previously had but who is at any given time reluctant to continue sex relations, and it may also be employed with a regular sweetheart, fiancee, or wife who from time to time appears to be sexually unwilling.
There are several corollaries to your striving for modified seduction with the women you encounter. First of all, whether you are satisfied fully or not on a given night becomes of relatively little importance. Your main goal, frequently, is encouraging and teaching your partner to be generally responsive; and if it looks as if she is not in the mood to swing on a particular evening-and especially as if seducing her might lead her to become anti-rather than pro-sexual, you can easily forego this time, and let yourself be sexually frustrated for the nonce. After all, you can always take care of yourself by masturbating or calling up another girl as soon as you leave her. So why make a great issue of your satisfaction at this moment?
Another corollary of modified seduction is the view that the most significant kind of sexual pleasure comes when you have relations with a woman who is highly motivated to give you maximum satisfaction. This is not necessarily true in all cases: You could be a true masochist, who gets enjoyment when a female acts sadistically or indifferently to you. But you probably aren't; and if so, you will find that you can enjoy yourself far more with a partner who really wants to gratify you, and who creatively goes out of her way on many occasions to do so, than with one who cares little whether or not you are pleased.
If you are in the normal range of sexuality, and you do enjoy sex most when it is freely and actively given with a view toward pleasing you, modified seduction should certainly be your cup of tea. For if you persistently try to give pleasure to a woman, without expecting an instant return, there is an excellent chance that she will feel like going out of her way to please you.
This does not mean that all women are like this. They aren't. Few women are properly trained in receiving and giving sex pleasure. Some never overcome a deep aversion to physical love. Others never lose their inhibitions. Still others never learn to love or to give themselves freely to anyone.
Suppose you run up against one of these difficult or impossible females. You work your head and your body off to please her; you give skill, time, effort, consideration, kindness, attention, and love. Even after a long time has passed, you get little or nothing in return. She remains as indifferent toward your satisfaction as she was when you first seduced her.
What to do? Should you blame her vehemently and call her an ingrate? Should you vow never to go out of your way again to please her or any other woman? Hell, no!-not if you are stable and sane. For who is this woman to get you to change your general standards of conduct? Why should you give her such power over you?
Calmly and firmly, instead, go after what you can get with this woman. If sex doesn't pay off with her, what does? Can she be a good companion, business partner, wife, or mother? Stop railing and ranting against her "horrible unfairness" and see. Maybe, if you don't get enough out of your relationship with her nonsexually, you should leave her. But maybe, for one reason or another, you shouldn't. The main thing is for you not to expect her to be any different from the way she is; to try hard to change her sexually, but to enjoy her as much as you can while you are still with her.
You can, to this end, play some intelligent games of your own with a girl who is and is likely to remain a cold fish. You can keep trying to be a fine lover to her-but measure your performance not in terms of how she reacts (since it looks as if she just won't react well) but in terms of how well you are doing it. Even if the varieties of copulation you are able to effect and practice with her never quite send her, you are learning, in the process, how to copulate more effectively; and you should be able to use this knowledge, later, with other girls who are more appreciative.
With an iceberg you can beautifully practice preserving your own mental health. Instead of angering yourself about her lack of responsiveness, and telling yourself that she is a goddam bitch for being the way she is, and how can she give you so little when you are obviously giving her so much, you can convince yourself that you can accept her the way she is, and that you don't have to upset yourself over her deficiencies. If you do this again and again, you will "tend to become so adept at keeping yourself calm and collected under the most difficult circumstances that this trait will serve you well with the next girl or girls with whom you try to have a good relationship.
Physical aspects of modified seduction
If your goal is modified seduction, and you want to help a woman gain maximum satisfaction for herself and simultaneously help yourself to maximum enjoyment, there are some physical corollaries to this kind of aim. Unadulterated or crass seduction is generally based on the assumption that you have to persuade a woman to travel a sex path that she really doesn't want to travel and that will never prove to be entirely enjoyable to her. But there are many facts which belie this assumption. For one thing, it has never been proved that the strength and nature of a female's sex drive is greatly different from a man's. And in many cases the reverse of the common assumption is true-that is, the woman turns out to be far sexier, in urge and in orgasmic capacity, than almost any man could hope to be.
Does this mean that no real sex differences exist between males and females. Not at all. Statistically, there are some important differences. In particular:
1. The peak of a male's drive tends to occur when he is between the ages of sixteen and twenty. Although some females, as well, are more highly sexed during their teens than they are any other time in their lives, a great many do not fully mature sexually until they are in their late twenties or early thirties.
2. Men usually need no real heterosexual experience to feel the full thrust of desire. Women are in the same class in many instances, and spontaneously masturbate long before they do any heterosexual petting or copulating. But a large number of other women feel spontaneous desire for intercourse only after they have had some sex experience and are thereby awakened.
3. Women in our society are trained differently from men and tend to have a larger share of inhibitions and a greater potential for guilt. They therefore have more difficulty letting themselves go fully, and often need nonsexual excuses for so doing: such as the fact that they are in love with or married to their sex partners. However!-beneath the false mask of puritanical inhibition that millions of females assume beats a nature that may be as, or nearly as, passionate as a man's.
4. Women are usually excited by fewer and different external stimuli than are men. As the Kinsey studies show, males are more easily aroused by nudity, by so-called pornographic pictures, by salacious stories, and by other "sexy" objects than are females. Females may frequently be aroused by romantic stories and films which leave males relatively cold.
5. Men, of course, do not get pregnant. Women's menstrual cycles affect somewhat their sexuality, in that they may be very arousable at certain times of these cycles (for example, just before, during, and after their periods) than they are at other times. Women, moreover, because they know that intercourse may easily lead to pregnancy, tend to inhibit their sexual expressions far more than males do and to refrain from intercourse with men whom they hardly know and by whom they would not want to become pregnant.
You must realistically face these differences between males and females. If you take them into account, you may conclude that modified seduction is not really a process of getting women to travel a path they absolutely do not want to travel: it is mainly a mode of persuading them to open a door and step across a threshold that they have some hesitancy in crossing, and will only let themselves cross in special circumstances. Once across, most women enjoy the "path" immensely.
Modified seduction largely consists of making an ally of a woman's basic sexual nature. You try to excite her to the point where her body takes over and where she is more than willing to let it. In a sense, your seduction is accomplished by her own body and innate sex learnings.
Typical modified seduction consists of kissing, breast contact, manual petting of the genitals, and intercourse. There are many variations and exceptions to this. But we shall try to cover the classic-the most statistically probable-methods first and then work in the variations and exceptions.
Almost any female will kiss. Why? Because she can't get pregnant by kissing; kissing is exciting; and she rarely loses any degree of reputation, in this day and age, when she kisses.
Breast stimulation is usually the second most common step that women will allow you to take on the road to their seduction. Many women who won't permit you, at least for a long time, to go an inch below their waists will be rather liberal in allowing your hands, and sometimes your lips, to roam over their breasts. They do so because the breasts are a definite erogenous zone, they are clearly far above the waist, their stimulation cannot result in pregnancy, and they are one of the main parts of the body which are uniquely feminine. Some women consider breast stimulation as a part of kissing-and, really, it is. There almost appear to be direct nerve connections between the erotic tissue of the mouth and the nipples of the breast for these women. On the other hand, other women have breasts that are unarousable; or for one reason or another-especially the fact that they may feel that their breasts are too large or too small or too poorly shaped-they refuse breast contact and do not allow themselves to have any degree of erogeneity in that area of their bodies.
Just as the lips and the nipples sometimes seem to be erotically connected, there seems to be almost a direct nervous flow between the nipples and the female genitals. Breast contact certainly stimulates the genital juices in many instances; conversely, as Dr. William H. Masters and Mrs. Virginia Johnson have shown, sexual intercourse leads to breast expansion, as well as to flushing and expanding of other sensitive parts of the woman's body. Once the reciprocal stimulating effects of breast and genital excitation occur, the woman frequently becomes receptive to all kinds of petting in various regions, especially in her genitalia.
This means that if you will only be patient, and if you will at first accept what a woman easily offers-usually, as we noted above, her lips and her breasts-you can after awhile "reach" her genitals through persistent stimulation of these more available areas. Or, stated differently, when she freely offers you her bps and her nipples, she is offering more than she realizes, or even more than she consciously wishes to make available to you; and if you gracefully seem to accept, in their own right, those parts of her anatomy which she does let you manipulate with your fingers and your lips, she will eventually, in spite of (really, because of) herself be offering you her innermost reaches as well.
When a girl does, whether reluctantly or not, let you pet her freely, and when she especially permits you manual or oral contact with her clitoral region, you are frequently (though not always I) in the home stretch. After sufficient stimulation of her clitoral area, you can usually effect penile entry-and then you've got it made.
This, in brief outline, is the physical aspect of modified seduction. The next few chapters give some of the most salient details to round out this outline.
CHAPTER FIVE
KISSING
The first step in modified seduction is usually to establish a kissing relationship. Obviously, this hinges on getting the first kiss. If you kiss skillfully, the second and subsequent kisses are easier-or at least present a different problem.
Many males try to go the limit the first night. This course is over ambitious and tends to be fraught with pitfalls. In general, you will do better to think in terms of a three-to-five night campaign-and to realize that it may take even longer!
Some men make their first kissing attempts only when parked and/or saying goodnight. Both of these plans may be mistaken and should often be avoided. The parking bit is often not best because this is exactly what the girl expects and frequently tries to avoid; consequently, she is not in a very good mood when you first attempt it. When you park, you tip your hand-she knows you didn't pick a lonely street or deserted bit of the countryside to park on just because you like to talk. Most women you date will have been through that parking routine before-many times before. And who knows what bad memories some of those previous jaunts may have left!
So as soon as you cut off the ignition on your first date with a girl, she is likely to tense and say to herself: "Well, here it comes. He'll do this first, then that, etc." She'll be preceding you all the way. If you think, when you put your arm on the back of the seat and then quietly drop it over her shoulders, that you are slipping up on her unawares, you are probably deluding yourself. She knows every move of this kind that you are going to make before you make it.
If, from the tenor of the rest of the evening you have spent with her, she seems to be delighted with you and receptive to hand-holding, arm-pressing, and other little touches, then trying to kiss her in a parked car may be quite different. In these circumstances, in all probability, she is ready for your first attempt at kissing; and she may even take it unkindly if you do not kiss her. But if you hardly know her, have no reason to believe that she has warm feelings for you, and have some evidence that she is a little on the prudish side, a first-time kiss in a parked car may by no means be the best way to her heart or her bosom. Give the matter a little thought; don't make a routine attempt just because it seems the only thing to do.
Waiting until you leave the girl at her door before you try the first kiss has definite drawbacks, too. For one thing, think of the time you may have wasted previously that evening. Here you've been with her for several hours perhaps, and only at the very end, as she is about to scoot indoors, you get around to what may be the most important part of the evening. It's already late; she expects to go inside right away; and both of you, almost invariably, are standing up fully clothed (in overcoats, no less, in the winter-time!).
Even if she responds to you, under these conditions, how far can you go, how long can you stay, and how much can you learn about how passionate she is?
Try to kiss her earlier in the evening-and in ways which offer a greater chance of propitious conclusions. If you can get her into her parlor or yours, for example, when both of you are seated side by side on a sofa, you can get a good first kiss, if she allows it, and a fair-sized embrace, too; and one that may lead to more kissing, more embracing, and then on to light or heavy petting. Kissing itself-if that is what she is going to restrict you to-can be done in sequences, rather than in one main lump. If you start late in the evening you have time for about one, and only one, goodnight kiss and hug. But if you start at 9:00 p.m., there is no reason why the first kiss and hug cannot lead at 9:15 to another, and at 9:30 to still another; and so on. By 11:00 p.m., at this rate, who knows what else, besides her lips, you may be kissing!
The first kiss
There are many ways, conventional and not, in which you can get in the first kiss with a girl. Preferably, you will do well if you (a) act differently from most men, in regard to both time and place and (b) slip up on her unawares.
In regard to being different, give serious consideration to a first date on which you do, in terms of the usual entertainment, absolutely nothing. It may, as an ice-breaker, be advisable to take the girl to a movie; but if you are really wise, you will stay away from all such entertainment. For one thing, movies take about two and a half hours of precious time; for another, there are too many people around; for a third, she may get much more absorbed in the movie or play than in you.
You do not, of course, have to make any passes at all the very first night you see her. You can have a perfectly charming, sexless evening, and not even try for a goodnight kiss. The girl may even ask herself, when the evening is over: "Why didn't he even try to kiss me? Am I losing my touch?" And you may throw her so much off balance that on the second or third date you may more than make up for lost time.
A still better procedure, usually, is this: Call for her fairly early in the evening, and spend the entire night at her place or yours. If necessary, take her out for a few drinks, but try to get back to her place fairly early (so she can't give you that old chestnut, "Oh, it's been so good talking with you. But I have to get up early tomorrow morning to help mother pack for her trip. So why don't we call it a night and get together some other time?"). In the meantime, talk like a blue streak about her and her and her and you and you and you. Then, when you've got her on a sofa, say something sweet and suddenly kiss her smack on the lips-hard. If her lips are soft and responsive, go on, and on, and on from there. If not, you have time for some later attempts, after you unapologetically withdraw.
Various approaches to kissing
Most males, as we noted above, uncreatively try to do virtually all their kissing in parked cars. This is not necessarily good strategy, since there are many other more original approaches. Sex and the Single Man quoted a student of lovemaking techniques in regard to some of these original approaches. Let us quote him again here:
"1. The car exit approach. No woman expects a man in his right mind to kiss on a public thoroughfare. Fine! Do just that! You are taking her to supper on the second night. You park. You go around to open the door. As she puts her feet on the ground her head is down. Judge the distance accurately and arrange to have your lips poised when she looks up. Then kiss her. Do it gracefully and be careful not to bump mouths. Do it gently and don't hold it. Don't hug her. Dart in and out but make it good while you are there. This gives you the opportunity to verbalize the 'goodness' of the kiss (at the right time and place) and simply proceed to kiss her again.
"2. The standing approach, (a) Sudden. You walk her to the car (or anywhere else). You take her upper arms in each of your hands. Her head is down or level. You hold her with 'restrained intensity' (but really very gently) and mutter some sentimentality-only part of which she catches. You know she's going to look up. As she looks up you move down such that your lips meet. She'll never know what hit her. (b) Gradual. (Same circumstances and position as above.) With a sudden flood of 'controlled intensity' you start kissing her hairline-lightly with loose lips. Pluck gently at her skin and hair. Make the movements of the tickling kind that are apt to produce goose bumps. Sooner or later she will turn her face up. Kiss down her face until you reach her lips. If she never turns her face up-back off. You have lost nothing.
"3. The stop-light approach, (a) You are stopped for a light. Start to reach in the glove compartment, stop midway, put your left hand on her jawbone and kiss her. (b) Use the hairline approach at one light and take it to the lips at the next.
"4. Drive-in or hamburger approach. Note: almost everyone has sensitive skin. Almost everyone can get goose bumps. Goose bumps constitute a mild shock and the instant they occur the girl's reflexes are slower. Learn to produce goose bumps and to judge the exact instant of shock, (a) Tickle the back of her neck. Watch her face. At the instant of shock-kiss, (b) Stroke the hair and face with your outside hand on the outside of her face. When she gets goose bumps or when she closes her eyes and sighs-pull her gently to you and kiss, (c) Cradle her face with both your palms. This is frequently interpreted as a 'tender' gesture by women. Hold her eyes with your eyes, hold her face until you feel her body relax, throw in an intimate remark, then gently kiss her. (d) The Happy Warrior. Here you share a joke and both laugh. Reach out and cradle her against your shoulder in a spirit of camaraderie. At the split second the laughter stops she will inhale a deep breath. Place your hand under her chin, make it coincide with the inhaling, and kiss her in one motion, (e) Pick up her outside hand in your outside hand. Turn it palm up and kiss the palm, first with lips, then with tongue. Holding her hand out from, but in front of, her face, start down the wrist but go directly into her mouth.
"5. The Louise Lift approach. Pick her up (she will grab you around the neck and giggle), wait until she stops giggling-then kiss her."
To these we add still another approach, which we call the verbal approach. This is a method in which you creep up on your girl conversationally, and get her to accept the fact that kissing is good, and that kissing with you in particular will be very good, before she realizes what hit her. If you ask a girl, "May I kiss you?" you're generally dead: for often she feels too bold saying, "Yes," and she thinks that somehow she just has to refuse you-even though she may very much want you to kiss her. Even if you announce, "I will kiss you," you haven't much of a chance to follow up this announcement with action, since she may take your announcement as a challenge, and almost automatically respond, "Oh, no you won't!" or may move and keep out of kissing distance.
The verbal approach is much more subtle. It is like the method that females use when they first talk about how good it is for a man to have a den in his house; then they note how fine it would be for you to have one in your house; and then, before you realize what is going on, they mention the den, and maybe the gun cabinet that would look so well in it, in our house. On your side, you can start with an impersonal statement, such as, "Don't you think that people feel closer when they kiss?" Then you can get a little more personal with: "Don't you feel much closer to a fellow when you kiss him?" Then still more personal: "You know, I look forward to that feeling of closeness that comes after a kiss." Finally: "I think we will feel very close once we get around to kissing. Don't you?"
There are, of course, a hundred variations on this. One fellow of our acquaintance asked his friend to look up a girl he knew when he got into town and "kiss her for me." This friend played it cool-made periodic references to the kiss he was supposed to give the girl, but didn't make any actual moves. He made his verbal sallies so effectively that he got the girl excited before he ever touched her, and when he finally did kiss her she practically rubbed his lips off.
There is another lesson to be learned from this. Effective techniques, skillfully and confidently applied, will usually work, no matter how experienced the woman is with whom you use them. Good principles remain good principles, no matter who says them or to whom they're said. Thus, if you tell a woman that your goal is to contribute to her individuality, her happiness, her self-sufficiency, her self-actualization, and if you point out that all these goals are enhanced by her learning to live at peace with her own sexual nature (which means to have guilt-free sex at any frequency that her body seems to require), you can't go far wrong because what you have said is true and the principle involved is perfectly sound.
The main thing that you must stick to in this respect is making your goal genuine. If you tell a woman that you are most interested in pleasing her and then, in practice, you show her that you are almost exclusively interested in your own affairs and not in hers, the principle crumbles and you become a fraud. Lip service is not enough! In modified seduction, you should let your partner know that you are out for her good as well as your own-and then practice what you preach.
This does not mean that you should be utterly self-sacrificing in your affairs with women. Your main goal in life, if you are sane, should be enlightened self-interest-not martyrdom to others in order to convince them (or the world in general) how fine a person you are. If you don't take care of yourself first, no one else is likely to do so; and if you devote yourself primarily to others, rather than to yourself, the chances are you do so because you think this tactic will induce them to be equally devoted to you. In most instances, it won't! They have their own fish to fry; and for sensible or neurotic reasons, fry them they will.
So your goal with women should be to help yourself enjoy them. But, once you live in any community or group, social interest (as Alfred Adler showed) becomes part of self-interest. If you harm others, they will sooner or later retaliate; if you are reasonably nice to them, they will usually help you and let you and your interests be. So with women: The more you are genuinely interested in their welfare, the more you will tend to get from them. Females, moreover, are probably biologically more giving than are males; they like to devote themselves to others (especially to young children); they enjoy loving. Consequently, if you are kind to them, they will tend to give you even more in return than you give them. So your "sacrifices" for them will usually be worth it.
In any event, don't promise her anything and only give her Arpege. You can, in fact, give most women relatively little in terms of gifts and worldly goods-as long as you give them reliability, honesty, and the backing up of any promises that you care to make.
In pursuing the verbal approach to kissing and other sex contacts with women, you are to some extent gambling. If you are really on a woman's side, and show her this, you tend to help her become happy and independent in her own right; and as soon as she develops sufficient self-confidence, she may take herself off to other quarters and you may have little or no place in her fife. Many a man has helped a girl to find herself and to be a much better sex-love partner-only to see her waltz off with some other man.
If this happens to you, don't be downhearted or disturbed. You did your best to build up a woman-and you ended by constructing a great partner for some other man. You gambled and lost. But this indicates that the principle you used to help her is valuable and valid and that you can apply it with other girls. If your being genuinely interested in this woman succeeded so well, you can assume that it will succeed with others-and that not all of them will desert you. Human behavior being what it is, men who truly keep a woman's interest uppermost in their minds are so rare and so sought for by females that you don't have to worry about losing your gamble very often.
Back to kissing! The secret of approaching the first kiss properly is often in split-second timing. If you keep your eyes and ears open, so that you see what is going on with the girl you are dating; if you work against your own nervousness by convincing yourself that it will not be catastrophic if you fail with this particular girl; if you persistently and assertively go after what you want sexually, but at the same time show your date that you are on her side and that you want to help her grow and develop as a sex partner and a person; if you are reasonably adept at the art of kissing itself (which we shall explain in the later pages of this chapter)-if these are the rules of the game you follow, the chances are that you will be able to kiss your date soon and well, and that the first kiss will be a precursor of many delightful osculations to come.
Subsequent kisses
Let us suppose that you have managed the first kiss. Now that you have put the wedge in, you want to widen the gap. Keep kissing her, as much as you find feasible, here, there, and yonder, until she enjoys it and does not resist. Then, when matters seem to be going well, begin to make your kisses more serious. Pick places-such as your or her apartment or parking spots that are dark and secluded (and that, now that she is coming to know you, she will not be afraid of).
Kiss her well and thoroughly. Kiss her eyes, face, hair, lips, neck, shoulders. Use your tongue cautiously, at first-unless she begins to use hers right away and shows that she is no novice at this game-then work up to using it more freely. Gradually inspire her to use her tongue in kissing you back.
Try to control the sound of your breathing while kissing-preferably keep it silent. Learn the technique of "leashed intensity." In using this method, you want to create the illusion of hugging her intensely but actually being gentle. You can do this by gripping her back with your fingers, keeping your forearm muscles tense, but letting your biceps remain loose. That is, you do not actually squeeze her; but your fingers and forearms give the illusion of a powerful grasp.
Kissing, as we noted before, should usually be a prelude to as well as a concomitant of various other kinds of sexual stimulation. While you are kissing your date, investigate her body for special erogenous zones that she may have. At the very beginning, it may be well to forget about her breasts, thighs, and genitals in this respect, since she may think you too forward and may repulse you completely. But there are many other possibilities which may be just as erogenous and less threatening to her: such as the nape of the neck, the throat, the junction of neck and shoulders, the underside of the upper arm, the inside of the forearm, the shoulder blade muscle, the palms, the waist or small of the back, the hips, behind the knees, the bottom of the feet. You can reach practically all these erogenous zones with your hands; and some of themsuch as the neck and ears-you can easily reach with your mouth. Even if you do not stay with any of these zones for a long time, at least explore. You may gain knowledge useful for the future!
The technique of kissing
Kissing takes many forms; but the one form to avoid with most girls is the kiss with the lips and teeth closed. This kind of kiss is all right for friends, relatives, and others toward whom you want to show mild affection. But sexy kissing, the kind that really excites and involves, tends to be open-mouthed lip and tongue swapping.
This does not mean that every kiss you try with a girl should be approached, or the initial contact with her lips made, with your mouth open, your lips wet, or your tongue in evidence. It is better, usually, to start with your teeth slightly parted, your lips dry and relaxed, gently or barely together-or ever so slightly parted. During the approach, your tongue and teeth would better be well hidden.
Don't think that you have to pucker your lips as you approach a kiss: nor should you hold your lips together firmly or tightly. Try to approach with your lips held in such an easy, natural way that they provide a soft cushion. Don't clamp or grit your teeth together as you start to kiss, for this tends to give an unpleasant and unnatural cast to your face, and does not help your lips to feel good on initial contact. Don't jut your teeth forward, keep them sheathed by the cushion of your lips.
Initial contact should usually be made gently, not in a hard or jarring manner. Avoid sudden or impulsive approaches unless your timing is perfect and you can put your lips against hers in a gentle manner. Try to decide as you approach whether you are going to put your nose to the right or left of her nose, so that you can avoid bumping noses.
Don't, unless there seems to be a special reason for doing so, engulf a woman in a bear hug, smother her, or interfere with her breathing. Don't hold her too tightly, uncomfortably, painfully, or in an awkward position. In kissing, especially when both of you are standing, her neck tends to be bent upward at an extreme angle; and this position may become unbearably painful after a while. Consequently, try not to kiss too long in one position.
For long sessions of kissing, try to maneuver your partner so that she can keep her neck straight and her head centered above her shoulders. See to it that her whole body is comfortable. Don't kiss her for lengthy periods unless her neck and the back of her head are supported. In response to a kiss, she has to exert pressure; and for her to keep pressing forward with her head (and to absorb your own forward pressure) may put an intolerable strain on her neck, shoulder, and back muscles. If necessary, put your arm around her and support her neck against your wrist, letting the back of her head rest in your palm.
You will sometimes see in the movies, a couple, afire with attraction and panting with passion, approach their first kiss with lips wet and mouth gaping open. This is fine for the movies; in real life, it's not worth a damn. Instead, dry and shut your mouth as you come in for a landing. A little later it will be time to open your big trap!
In long kissing sessions, kisses are frequently separated only by retreating half an inch, catching your breath, and kissing again. Sometimes it is difficult to tell where one kiss ends and another begins. Nonetheless, the best rule with new girls with whom you are trying methods of modified seduction is to dry your lips (say, on the back of your hand) for subsequent contacts and re-approach each kiss with your lips closed. In an ongoing relationship where mutual passion is known to result from protracted kissing, an exception to this rule may be taken. During initial contact on a given evening, in such cases, you would still do well to start with dry and closed lips. But on subsequent kisses that evening you may let your lips remain moist and slightly parted as you swoop in again and again.
Teaching a girl to kiss
Many girls have to be "taught" how to kiss. This hardly means, now, that in the case of an inexperienced girl you back off and say, "Now I'm going to teach you how to kiss." You simply keep practicing, many times if possible, and try to lead her by example to the proper way of kissing. Occasionally, if you know the girl well enough, and are committed to an ongoing relationship with her, you can give her verbal as well as nonverbal instructions. Usually, though, it's best to forget about the words and stick to the deeds! Human beings learn, as John Dewey pointed out years ago, largely by doing. O.K.: do!
In the process of showing a girl how to kiss, you may try the following movements:
1. When lip contact has firmly but gently been made, you send the tip of your tongue out on an exploratory expedition. Make a slow pass across her lips (if closed) or slightly through her lips (if parted). If you encounter closed lips, make repeated forays against them with the tip of your tongue. Should you continue to meet with closed lips, wait until she seems to be enjoying the process thus far-or is at least accepting and tolerant about it-and then simultaneously do two things: (a) With your lips pressed firmly against hers, slowly open your lips, and thereby tend to push hers open; and (b) press your tongue with some force into the opening you have thus made. Repeat for as long as is necessary, being careful not to drool on her.
2. When you begin to encounter parted lips and teeth, send the tip of your tongue on brief forays inside her mouth, searching for her tongue. Repeat this, too, as long as necessary.
3. When you touch her tongue with yours, lightly brush tip against tip-and then withdraw.
4. Keep repeating steps 1 through 3, until you encounter the tip of her tongue almost every time you kiss.
5. Contact between your tongue and hers should at first occur inside her mouth. When this kind of contact is being achieved regularly, kiss in the same manner as before-but withdraw your tongue one-eighth of an inch from hers and wait for her to close the gap. Kiss her again, withdraw the tip of your tongue again, and wait for her to close the gap again. Keep repeating this until she becomes conditioned to your actions and habitually keeps closing the gap between your tongue and hers.
6. Now, if she hasn't fully got into the habit of following your tongue with hers, make the gap between your two tongues a little wider-say, a quarter of an inch-and repeat step 5.
7. When she seems to be regularly closing this greater gap, start withdrawing your tongue in one-quarter-inch steps as soon as she closes the gap each time. Keep repeating this until she starts following your tongue inside of your mouth.
8. When she begins to insert her tongue into your mouth, partially close your lips around it, suck it ever so slightly, and at the same time briefly and gently lick it with your tongue. Then break the kiss and repeat.
9. By alternately inserting your tongue in her mouth and then inviting her tongue into your mouth by retreating, you can establish this pattern of swapping. Keep repeating until she learns from your example to slightly suck and lick your tongue.
10. When this alternating pattern and reciprocal behavior is firmly established, try to determine and then concentrate on the kissing motions that produce the most stimulating effect on her. You will normally find that this greatest effect is achieved in one of three situations: (a) She will prefer to continue the alternating pattern; (b) she will prefer to insert her tongue in your mouth; or (c) she will prefer to receive your tongue in her mouth.
Naturally, you will then try to give preference to the kissing method that produces maximum response in her. For the main goal of modified seduction is to find what is most enjoyable for her, and then to keep giving her what she most enjoys-in order, of course, to also induce her to want to satisfy you maximally.
More techniques of kissing
During a kiss you should try moving your lips with an ever so slight "rippling" motion and move your head the barest fraction: side to side in a tiny Figure 8, or a small, lazy circle. The motion of both your lips and head will be almost imperceptible; but the effect on the girl may be considerable.
Deep kissing has been described by novelists as "two hungry mouths (or birds) feeding each other." It is an apt description. But remember that no matter how deep or how "hungry" kissing gets, it is usually best not to get saliva or moisture on the skin surrounding your girl's lips. Try to arrange matters so that at no time is anything damp but the red portion of her lips.
Most men are big and most women are little-relatively speaking. The various parts of their body tend to be in the same proportion. Consequently, your tongue will be capable of overfilling most girls' mouths-or at least of giving them the feeling that it does. It is therefore a good idea for you rarely to insert your whole tongue into a date's mouth. Preferably, also, keep your tongue sharp and narrow-not flat and broad.
Some women in the grip of passion like to have their mouth completely engulfed by your fully opened mouth. You can experiment with this method, but don't be surprised if it fails to send the woman you are with. Take it easy in this respect; and wait, often, for your partner to take the initiative in this respect, and thereby to show you what she really wants.
Some inexperienced women will have discovered that effective kissing is executed with the mouth open; but, misguidedly, they may open their mouths widely for the initial kissing contact. Such women fail to provide you with any bed of lips to kiss against, and you may find it well nigh impossible to make initial contact with an "open pit." In these cases you may gently touch the girl's upper lip with your closed lips, retreat a half inch, and wait for her to close her mouth (perhaps in astonishment!). As soon as she does-kiss her. Repeat this until she gets the message that it would be wiser for her to keep her mouth almost closed until contact is made.
Deep kissing should be varied with kissing other parts of the girl's face and head, and with occasional closed-lips pecking. Then another technique of kissing may be worked in. Here you make closed-lip contact (as before), but immediately withdraw your lips a quarter of an inch and run your tongue from side to side (a) between her upper and lower lips, (b) on her upper lip. Watch her reaction closely, since this kind of kissing tends to tickle. Sometimes it tickles "good" and sometimes it tickles "bad," depending on the girl's individual reactions. When it's "bad," stop. If it's 'Toad," she will often react exactly as a person does if a fly lights on his face: with the same kind of flinch and quiver.
A word of caution should be injected here. When you are kissing an inexperienced girl, and particularly one whom you have every reason to believe is afraid of sex, do not pant, gasp, or breathe hard. Try not to let your hands shake or the muscles of your body quiver. Don't appear to be hurried or anxious. And, above all, if you get an erection in the process of kissing, try not to let her touch it with her body or feel it in any way. For if she finds that you are completely aroused, you telegraph or announce to her the connection between kissing and arousal. This knowledge may induce the inexperienced and sexually shy girl to throw herself into a mild panic state; and this may defeat your purpose in trying to go farther with her.
Even in prolonged courtship and marriage, it may be wise for you to hide your physical manifestations of sexual arousal when you are at the kissing stage. For your girlfriend or wife may be so tainted with some of the puritanical nonsense that is still prevalent in our society that she may be repelled by what she considers "premature" arousal on your part, and may think that you really are not at all romantic in regard to her. A truly experienced and sophisticated woman will sometimes be very happy when you get an erection or display other forms of sexual passion during moments of kissing: for she is pleased that she is able to arouse you so easily. But other kinds of women may not be pleased at all; and you would better heed the sexually backward state in which some of them exist.
Being a male yourself, and having been raised in this anti-sexual culture, you may have a problem regarding kissing. For one thing, realizing that many females kiss without going farther, and that they think nothing of arousing you by prolonged osculation and then leaving you sexually unsatisfied, you may be somewhat jaundiced about the whole kissing process, and may do your best to avoid it. This is somewhat like trying to get to home plate without touching first base.
You usually cannot make it that way. Almost the only way to many women's genitals is through their lips; and you'd better face that fact and act accordingly.
Another typical hangup for the male is that he finds kissing so powerfully stimulating that a little of it goes a long way. and he wants to get down to sexual finalities within a few minutes after lip to lip contact begins. Here again, alas, the female of the species often is much different. She may want quantities of kisses before she ardently wishes to go much farther. And if you are wise, you will respect her wants, and hold your horses for quite a while, before you attempt to get your hands and your penis between her legs.
A third difference between males and females in our society stems from the fact that experienced and older men frequently grow to hate the inhibited, prudish, virginal behavior so characteristic of the girls of their youth. Because of the frustrations they experienced during these early years, they place an exceptionally high value on any and all behavior that is in direct contrast to the unresponsive, restrained behavior which is still so common. Consequently, they tend to like almost anything that is different from this.
This means that, being a man, you may want and become quickly excited by a woman approaching a kiss with a wet, open, and enthusiastic mouth. This is why the movies portray such kisses-but don't forget that in the movies the women are acting! The fact that you want such kisses does not necessarily mean that the average girl does. You would be wiser to try kissing in what appears to be her way, and forget for awhile your own greatest interests. Later, once you have sensibly seduced a girl and trained her to do many things your way, you may try for any kind of kissing that you favor. But at the beginning, think primarily of her and what she may prefer. Your foresight and consideration will very probably pay off!
CHAPTER SIX
LIGHT PETTING (NECKING)
Light petting or necking usually follows kissing and hand-holding. It may be an end in itself, particularly during the first few dates with a rather inhibited girl; or it may be an intermediary step between kissing and heavy petting or intercourse. Light petting cannot be defined with complete accuracy-since caresses that barely arouse one girl may produce a powerful orgasm in another-but in general it consists of stimulating your partner's body mainly above the waist and with most of your and her clothes still on.
Petting the breasts
After kisses have become long, good, and freely given, try to move in on the breasts. You can often accomplish much in this connection if you make indirect movements. Although most women are clever adversaries in the sex game, and are ever ready to ward off your bold attacks, in this breast bit many of them are unsophisticated and unaware. They seem to feel that there's something magic about the hand-that is, if a man doesn't touch their breasts with his hand, then he hasn't really touched them. Your aim, however, is not necessarily manual (though that is delightful!) but some kind of stimulation of their bosoms. It doesn't make a helluva lot of difference whether you do this with your hand, forearm, or big toe. (Which reminds us that one of the authors of this book actually did stimulate a girl's torso with his feet, after she had warily kept him from getting to her with his hands; and within ten minutes of this kind of activity she became so aroused that the rest of the way to her subterranean springs was easy.)
As you kiss and hug, it is often well to maneuver to keep your arms next to her body, under her arms. Gently press and caress her breasts with your forearm. Do it slowly and imperceptibly at first. Seem to be scratching your chin or pushing hack your hair frequently, so that you are continually moving your hand and slowly dragging your forearm over her breast. Since so many women wear falsies, put pressure on her from a below-the-breast-upward direction.
Take your time. Don't hurry. As you withdraw your hand, gradually rotate it so that you are dragging the back of it (or the side of it, between your thumb and forefinger) against the underside of her breast. Stroke her side, stomach, and back in between times. Kiss with increasing intensity and steadily work on those breasts.
Then, as you feel her breathing get heavier, touch one of the special erogenous zones you have discovered in her (for example, the nape of her neck) and at the same time firmly cup a breast in your other hand. You are simultaneously arousing her from three directions:
(a) kissing, (b) hand on nape of neck or other erogenous zone, (c) hand on breast. You frequently will get a sudden shudder.
Before she has time to gather her wits together and grab your hand, it may be well for you to move the one that is cupping her breast. (It was just a brief gesture, in passing.) Continue to kiss and repeat the entire process-but this time suddenly kiss her ear. Move in on her breast and away from it before she can object. Since you always know in advance what you are going to do, your reaction time will be faster than hers.
Continue to kiss and then try her breasts with no other stimulation than kissing, using either one or two hands to cup them firmly. Repeat. Next time hold on longer; and between your kisses run your fingertips lightly over her body: face, neck, shoulders, sides, arms, across breasts, stomach, between breasts, directly on the breasts, etc. Fingertips often are not considered "hands" by women, just as forearms are not.
Kiss. Cup breasts. Break. Fingertips. All this time you are generating heat. All this time, too, keep interjecting quiet, reassuring remarks in a calm, level tone. If you yourself are very much aroused, try not let it show too much in your voice or hands. Keep your body as steady as the Rock of Gibraltar. This will tend to show the girl that you are fully in control of yourself and will be reassuring to her.
Later we shall note some almost infallible measures of a girl's passion. Right now, watch her eyes. If you closely observe a person tell, in the heat of his excitement, about how a football star broke away for a ninety-yard run or how he caught a thirty-seven pound fish, there is often a characteristic kind of stare, with moisture on the periphery of his eyes. This stare can indicate many kinds of excitement-including sexual arousal-and is a valuable barometer of increasing female passion. Watch for it.
Oral breast contact.
When you have succeeded in "occupying" the girl's breasts through her clothes and are meeting minimal resistance to further contact of this sort, you are ready for the next step; and that is to get your mouth on one of her nipples. In view of the difficulty often involved in completing this step, it might seem that it could be omitted. Sometimes, indeed, it should be. Enough women, however, are induced to go further by nipple-mouth contact to make it worthwhile for you to pursue this objective.
Because complete surrender can occur at the point when mouth or hand contact is made with a nude breast, you should give some consideration in advance to where you are located when you are trying to effect this kind of petting. Preferably, make your full pitch when you and your girl are in a place, such as a bedroom or a lonely spot on a beach, where it is possible to have intercourse. If you get this far unexpectedly and you are parked in her driveway or in some public place, you should seriously consider moving to a more deserted spot-or else try for some kind of heavier petting that may lead to mutual orgasm but that does not involve actual coitus. Which course you take should depend on your "feel" for, and evaluation of, the girl and the situation at the moment.
The clothes problem
Women generally wear one of these outfits: bathing suit; slacks or shorts; a high-necked dress that zips about six inches in the back and on the side, or some other garment that makes the breasts inaccessible; same as the preceding garment, but with a low neck; a dress, sweater, or blouse that zips or buttons up the back; a pullover sweater or blouse; or a dress, sweater, or blouse that zips or buttons in front.
Before we discuss these various types of garments and the problems they present, let us remind you that you might review some of the discussion on compliments in Chapter 2. Also: memorize your girl's wardrobe, if you can, and see which of her clothes zip or button in the front. When you know that you are going to have a date with her, encourage her to wear "that orange sweater" or "that purple dress." Don't say "that orange sweater that buttons up the front"; then she may suspect what you have in mind and deliberately decide not to wear it.
1. Bathing suit. Complete lovemaking is well nigh impossible if your girl is wearing a one-piece bathing suit. Only a magician will be able to have intercourse with her in that attire; and even getting at her breasts is often a difficult task. The main thing, under these circumstances, is to induce her to take off as much of the suit as possible; and if you warm her up while it is still on, you may be able to persuade her to do this. But if you try to take off her bathing suit yourself, you are usually in trouble-especially when she is still unresponsive. If she is wearing a two-piece bathing suit, getting at her lower regions without her cooperation will still be difficult; but getting to her bare breasts will often be quite easy, as explained below in the discussion of bras.
2. Slacks or shorts. Slacks or shorts are discouraging, particularly as far as complete intercourse is concerned. Trying to take off this kind of clothing yourself can result in a real hassle. A thorough preliminary warming up of your partner, together with the right kind of sweet nothings whispered (or shouted) into her ears, may sometimes do the trick. But slacks and shorts mean that the girl will be wearing some kind of blouse or sweater; and those garments, as noted a few paragraphs below, can be handled very effectively.
3. A high-necked dress; or some other garment making the breasts inaccessible. You can't fight City Hall. If you can't get to them, you can't. Give up and move on to some other worthwhile activity-such as arousing her by passionate kissing, or by intense lovemaking through her clothes, until she is willing to take the dress off.
4. A dress with a low neckline. In this case, you may have to content yourself with manual stimulation of the breasts and forget about the oral. Let us stop by the way and describe manual breast technique.
Manual breast contact. For the most part, the surface of the breast and its main body are not particularly responsive to touch. There is a wide range of individual differences here (as there is in most sexual matters); so that a few females are exceptionally excitable by almost any kind of contact between your hands and their breasts. But most of them feel, if you cup the whole breast and knead it softly, a pleasant but not overwhelming sensation. Again: to draw your fingertips lightly over the skin of the breasts in a tickling motion is interesting and pleasurable to many women. But this is true of several other parts of their bodies and is hardly uniquely so of the breasts.
The main site of response in the bosom is the nipple. It is equipped with erectile tissue and will frequently grow hard under sexual excitation. Frequently doesn't mean always: Nipple erection does not occur in some women; so don't let the absence of it shake you or cause you to lose heart. When you can get to the breast with your hand, take the nipple and gently rotate it between your thumb and forefinger or between forefinger and middle finger (like holding a cigarette). Stroke the tip of it with a single fingertip; brush your open palm over it, barely touching the end of the nipple; or squeeze it gently and relax it again in a definite cadence.
With the girl's dress on, you can't get to the breasts except through the neck; and when this is possible, it is best to leave her bra (assuming she is wearing one) in place and to go down from the top. There are two main methods of managing this: (a) While facing the girl, turn your hand (with palm away from you) and go in from the top; or (b) while standing or sitting at her side, put your arms around her neck and go down from the top.
If the girl's bra is too tight to provide ready access for your hands, it may be necessary to unfasten it. This process often separates the men from the boys. To become adept in this regard, you can practice as follows:
Get yourself a leather pillow and borrow a girl's bra. Fasten the bra and slip it over the pillow. With one hand hold the snap tight against the pillow and practice unfastening the bra with your other hand. Practice in the dark or with your eyes closed. Become equally skillful with either hand; so that, in a sense, your left hand does know what your right hand is doing! Be able to unfasten a bra from the top or from the bottom. Go to department stores and study the construction of bras. Some fasten in the center, some to left of center, and some to the right. Study bras with straps as well as the strapless kind. Put a pillow slip over the bra you are practicing with and learn to find the snap from the outside by lightly running your fingers over your girl's back. Locate the snap exactly and learn to find it on the inside the first time you reach for it.
If you keep practicing along these lines, you should soon become so skillful that you may be able to unfasten a bra and not even have the girl suspect that you are working to do so. The unsnapping process may take place during either a tickling or caressing routine or during a "passionate hug" while you are kissing.
5. A dress, sweater, or blouse that zips or buttons up the back. The main goal is to get the breasts nude. For a one-piece dress, it is often best to forget oral contact and stick to manual. Occasionally, however, if you get enough of the girl's dress unzipped or unbuttoned, you can slip or pull it over her shoulders, and before she realizes what is happening have her covered only by her bra or slip. It then can be a short extra step to baring her breasts completely and using your lips on them.
Zippered blouses or sweaters are ideal, and can frequently be undone and whisked away before your partner has half made up her mind how far she wants to let you go. Learn to unzip such pieces of clothing silently, while tickling or hugging the girl, since the noise or feel of a zipper opening may be frightening to a woman.
When a zippered blouse or sweater is undone, get it completely off, if you can, or push the material up under her neck and loosen her slip straps (if she is wearing a slip) and pull the slip down. Preferably, the bra should have been unfastened earlier but, if not, do it now. Then either take her breasts out above the bra by pushing it down (this is best if it is loose enough) or push the bra up above her mammary glands.
6. A pullover sweater or blouse. Push the sweater or blouse as high as you can get it. If the garment is loose or if it stretches, you are in business, and may be able to bare her breasts completely and use oral contact. Proceed the same as in No. 5 above. If the garment is tight, forget it and stick to manual stimulation, until you get her so aroused that she wants to remove her upper garments (or all her clothes).
7. A dress, sweater, or blouse that zips or buttons in the front. All these items are handled in essentially the same way. You can unfasten them by hand or by mouth. By hand: keep kissing the girl and try to keep your head between her eyes and your hand. Unbutton her garment gradually, while tickling or caressing. Caress-that is, put pressure-with the last three fingers of the hand and the palm. This gives her the illusion that you are caressing with all your hand, while in truth your thumb and forefinger are free to work on her zipper or buttons.
You can intersperse this process with the use of your mouth. "Educated" lips can unbutton most buttons and unzip most zippers. Ostensibly, you keep caressing her with your lips and breath; but all the while you are busy at the fasteners.
Note: On zipper garments (whether zippered from the front or back), there is often a hook and eye which fastens them at the neck. You can unfasten this only by hand. It is often best to get this undone first, and then quickly zip open the rest of the garment.
When the dress or blouse is opened from the front, loosen her slip straps and either lower or raise her bra. Hold her breast in your hand and slowly lower your head. Don't jump at her with your mouth! From kissing her lips, start kissing down. Pass lightly over any clothes that may be gathered at her neck. Kiss and caress her breasts with your tongue before proceeding to her nipples.
Oral techniques with the nipple include: (a) brushing the tip of the nipple with the tip of your tongue;
(b) brushing the shafts of the nipples with your parted lips; (c) licking the nipple; (d) gently nibbling the nipple; (e) gently sucking the nipple; (f) a full-scale mouth sucking and tonguing of the nipple, sometimes including restrained use of your teeth.
There are a few women but not enough to be significant who are completely ready at this point and will eagerly have intercourse. They are often discernible by their reaction when your mouth touches their nipples. They show a sudden, sharp intake of breath, and they "freeze." Some of them go into what is practically a state of coma. In such a case, it is wisest to keep your mouth on the woman's nipple and unhurriedly but efficiently raise her dress, pull her pants down a few inches, arrange her in some comfortable position, and have intercourse. Only after penis entry has been effected should you remove your mouth from her breasts.
Other women do not completely give in at this time, but many of them are so passionately aroused that they then permit other kinds of caresses-particularly genital contacts-that up to this point they would never even consider. If your date is one of these cases, keep kissing her breasts, but also see that your hands wander far and wide, especially to the genital area, until she is completely aroused, and practically all resistance to taking off her clothes and having intercourse is overcome.
Light petting positions
Kissing is often begun in a car, with the male in the driver's seat and his date next to him on his right. This position can be maintained throughout, although it has one important drawback. It forces you to operate, for the most part, left-handedly. If you can develop a high degree of left-handed skill, do so. Practice will usually make perfect in this respect. If it does not, you may have to arrange somehow to do most of your petting when you are seated on the right of the girl.
Sitting on the girl's left-hand side offers some real advantages-the most important one being that you don't tip your hand by making any elaborate changes in position as the petting is about to begin. If you use this position, subtly encourage her to put her arm (that is, her left one) around you. Then by simply leaning back you eliminate one of her defensive hands without appearing to hold her.
Also, you can affectionately put your right arm around the back of the seat and literally manage to hold her right hand. This leaves her with no hands and your left one entirely free! But be careful that you don't make her feel trapped. If you sense this, let one of her hands go immediately. Moreover, should the place where you are parking suddenly be invaded by onlookers, you are left free in the driver's seat, and can turn on the engine and make a quick getaway to a more secluded spot.
An alternate position is to slide slightly to the right of the steering wheel and ask the girl to lie across your chest. Get her right arm behind your back (thus eliminating it), and put your left arm around her and hold her left hand. Now your right hand is free. This is a good position for manual and oral breast manipulating and for other forms of light petting. It is an inferior position for intercourse itself, because you must move her to effect coitus. But for nights when you are working her up to the point where she will later engage in heavy petting or intercourse, it's an excellent position.
If you want to reverse positions and get to the girl's right-hand side, this is sometimes difficult to achieve when you are in a car. But you can always develop a sudden urge to urinate, excuse yourself to find a bush, and then get in on her side of the car. Now that you are on her left you have the advantages of the original position plus having your right hand free. This also puts you in easy access to the best position for intercourse in a car.
If you are in the driving position in a car and want to get on the girl's right, don't move to that position by shifting or crawling over her. In this event you will have to get your body over the girl before you have aroused her sufficiently to engage in heavy petting or intercourse; and doing this frightens most women. If you insist on swapping sides without leaving the car, it is best to pull her into your lap and then move her over. In this way, her body passes over yours and not yours over hers-which is likely to be less frightening to her.
There is one position to avoid-that of lying across her with your left elbow on the arm rest of the door next to her. This position may be good for kissing and hugging; but beyond that, you're likely to be dead. It is awkward to get to her breasts and almost impossible to pet her in this manner.
However, a slight modification of this position is likely to have advantages. In the modified position, she virtually lies down with her head by her door. Face her in a semi-prone position, with your outside leg braced on the floor. This may be a good position but is sometimes cramping to the neck.
In the milder seasons of the year, a blanket on the ground has many advantages. Private picnics can be put to good uses. A walk in the woods has possibilities, but it is often better to go there alone and pick out some good spots first.
A note about parking. Try to park where there is only one direction in which another car can approach yours. If there are two approaches, it is impossible to watch them both at once. If there is an empty car or other object in front or in back of you, that is fine; but you should make sure that you cannot be hemmed in by a car that parks in front or in back of you. Also, try to predict your general position with the girl before you park. Then you can park the car so that you can keep your face toward the approach to it, to see if your kissing and petting will be intruded upon.
CHAPTER SEVEN
HEAVY PETTING
Petting occurs whenever you have any kind of tactile contact with a woman. You engage in necking or light petting when you embrace and caress a female mainly on the upper parts of her body, from her waist up; and in many instances of light petting, you may not even achieve contact with her nude breasts. Heavy petting occurs when you begin to caress all the other parts of her body as well, and her genital region in particular. You may engage in heavy petting fully unclothed-and that, of course, is the best way to do it. But you may also pet heavily in a car, on a park bench, in the girl's living room when her parents are in another room of the house, and in other places where it would not be advisable for either or both of you to be completely nude. Some girls will insist that you pet in a semi-clothed state even when you are safely alone behind locked doors, because they are shy about being naked with you or because they feel that nudity will be more conducive to having complete intercourse, which at this point they still want to avoid.
Approaches to heavy petting
When you are trying to pet heavily with a girl for the first time, it is usually best to approach her genitals indirectly, through first stimulating the other parts of her body, and particularly her breasts, until she becomes desirous and wants to have genital contact. Consequently, you generally don't make a move toward her genitals until you have (a) had oral contact with her nipple; or (b) had prolonged manual contact with her naked but unexposed breast (after discovering that oral contact is impossible); or (c) had prolonged manual contact with her breasts through her clothes (after deciding that nude manual contact is not feasible); or (d) decided to bypass her breasts because fondling them doesn't seem to stimulate her or causes her to become over defensive in regard to your contact with them.
There are two main directions in which you can approach a girl's genitals: (a) from above and (b) from below. Most men favor moving in from below, because it is usually easier for them to get their hands under a woman's skirt or dress than to place a hand in the region of her belly button and then continue downwards. Moreover, many men are mistakenly vagina-centered, and think that if they reach that orifice with their fingers, the woman will freely let them explore it, will become uncontrollably aroused thereby, and will then willingly permit them to engage in intercourse.
How wrong they are! Often the last thing a woman whom you have recently met wants you to caress is her vaginal orifice. For one thing, she, too, thinks of it largely as an organ for having intercourse; and she is afraid that if she allows you to enter it with your fingers, your penis will not be very far behind. So, at this early stage of the game, your getting to this special part of her being may be decidedly off limits.
Just as important, and in many cases more so, is the fact that the vagina is not the main seat of sensation in many females. As noted sexologists-such as Robert L. Dickinson, Havelock Ellis, and G. Lombard Kelly pointed out a good many years ago, and as the senior "HEAVY PETTING" author of this book (A. E.) has shown in his writings for the past two decades, millions of sexually normal women derive relatively little satisfaction from vaginal intromission and are primarily aroused and impelled to orgasm by some form of contact with their clitoral region. It is the clitoral area that females spontaneously find and use themselves, in the great majority of instances, when they masturbate; and it is this same region that lesbians stimulate in most of their sex contacts with each other.
Your main goal, therefore, particularly when you are starting to pet with a girl, should usually be her clitoral region rather than her vaginal orifice. And since the clitoris is located at the very top of her sex oval (which is technically called the vulva), if she is seated or lying down on her back and you pass your hand over her abdomen and over her mons pubis, this is the first part of her genitals that you will reach. Conversely, if you approach her genitalia from below, by running your hand up her thigh, the clitoris is the last thing you reach. Petting her from either direction has merit; but if you have a choice, approaching from the top direction may be preferable. (Note: The differences in direction may be determined by the relative position of the hand you are using to pet her genitals. If, at the point of clitoral contact, your wrist is above your fingers, you have probably used an "above" approach; but if your wrist is below your fingers, you have probably used a "below" approach.)
Here are some techniques of genital petting that you may find it advisable to employ:
1. Petting from above (fingers below wrist)
The general tickle approach. This consists of the same method used for approaching the breasts. It is idle tickling of the whole body, with particular concentration on the special erogenous zones you have discovered in the course of your light petting explorations. It is best carried on while kissing.
Concentrate on the girl's hips, stomach, and thighs. Cross from right hip to left thigh and from left hip to right thigh. That is, for an "X" with your fingers every time you pass them over her genitals. Do it first with just the fingertips and little' pressure. As you feel reaction increase, gradually put pressure on her genitals with your thumb as you make downward motions, and with your little finger as you move up. Slowly increase both the frequency and the force of the pressure.
The girl if she is resistive, may attempt to grab your hand at this point. Try to beat her to this by moving it yourself before she does. At this point stay in motion. You may be in for a long, slow process that requires considerable time and patience.
If the girl says, "Don't," or otherwise indicates that she doesn't want you to keep caressing her genital region, say nothing but move your hand away. Go back to manipulating her special erogenous zones and her breast; then return to her genital, and particularly her clitoral, region and repeat what you were doing before. Keep repeating (a) kissing (b) non-genital petting, and (c) heavy petting, with more and more time spent on the last process, and more pressure being applied to the genital area as you pet it.
Let her drag your hand away again and again, if she must; but keep tickling, rubbing, caressing the other parts of her body when she does. Then go back to the genitals. Finally, even though she may be holding your wrist, put direct pressure on her genitals and massage her clitoral area with your index or middle finger. Her legs may be tightly together and she may tug on your wrist. But hold your finger on her clitoral area as long as you can, massaging as well as she permits, then allow her to pull your hand away if she is really insistent.
Repeat. Repeat again and again until her hand remains on your wrist but she doesn't pull-she just writhes with pleasure, or moans, or holds still, indicating that you are really reaching her. Keep massaging directly over, and especially around the sides of, the clitoris.
If the girl's legs are crossed, about once every ten seconds force your hand as far down in between them as you can (pushing the material of her dress tight up against her genital area if she is still clothed) and tug gently on her top leg. If the leg nearest you is on top, pull it toward you in an "uncrossing" direction; if the leg farthest away from you is on top, push it away in an "uncrossing" direction. Spend only a few seconds doing this. Intersperse, if you possibly can, with many more seconds of clitoral region massage.
When her legs are uncrossed but together, the next step is to open them. While still kissing her breasts (and, from time to time interspersing this with some lip kissing), still kissing some special erogenous zone, and still massaging her clitoral area through her clothes, (1) without ceasing or interrupting any activity, place your thigh next to hers, reach down, push your forearm and elbow between her legs, and pull her nearest leg over your leg; or (2) cross your outside leg over your own leg nearest her, hook your foot over her calf, and pull her leg over your leg that's nearest her. Since her leg will end up by being hooked over yours, by moving your own leg and occasionally pushing against her outside leg, you can make an entry into her genital region and control the angle of the opening you make.
When her legs are open, then: (1) if her skirt is loose enough, gradually gather it up with your ring finger and little finger while you continue to kiss her breast and massage around her clitoral area. When you have gathered the skirt in a ball in your fist, then touch her clitoris directly through her panties. (2) If her skirt is too tight, then-in one motion-move under her dress and touch her clitoris directly through her underpants. b.
The tummy rub approach. Caress, rub, tickle, and massage the girl's stomach, letting your little finger dip lower and lower toward her clitoral region. After you have touched this region through her skirt with your little finger, keep adding fingers until you can use your whole hand. Then proceed as in the general tickle approach. (Note: This tummy rub method may be particularly good during and before menstruation, when she may be having cramps. Stomach rubbing is frequently therapeutic at this time.) c.
The skirt-wad approach. Ostensibly massage her hip, and this area alone, with feigned (but controlled) intensity. Meanwhile, keep gathering or wadding up her skirt if it is loose enough. By the time you are set to move your hand to her genital area, only her panties are between you and this region. Sometimes, using the wadding approach, you can get her skirt all the way up before she realizes what is happening.
2. Petting from the bottom (fingers above wrist). The thigh tickle approach. Proceeding on the outside of the girl's clothes, as in the general tickle approach, you work your hands down to her knee. This method is best used when her body is very close to yours. Start tickling the underside of her knee (the knee crotch). Gradually tickle up the underneath side of her thigh; then tickle her buttocks. If she opens her legs, caress and massage the inside of her thighs, finally reaching the clitoral region.
If she keeps her legs crossed or together, you can then get at her from the rear. Legs that are crossed toward you are very vulnerable in this manner. Reaching around her thigh, move your fingers along the crotch of her underpants, passing over her anus, over her vaginal orifice, and reaching back up to her clitoral region. Now it's just a matter of persuading her, by your persistent massaging of this sensitive area, to uncross or open her legs. b. The approach of last resort. Let's assume that all efforts to gain direct contact with her clitoral area through her underpants have failed. Let's also suppose that she is sitting or lying in a position with her legs separated. Occasionally, it is worth the risk to move your hand under her dress and up to her genitals all in one single motion. You'd better try to have good aim and land directly in the clitoral area! If she reacts negatively-don't persist. You gambled and lost. But you can return, a little later on, and perhaps do better. Since this approach of last resort may put her off entirely at this early stage of the game, try to avoid resorting to it, and instead use the other methods we have been outlining.
Heavy petting in spite of clothing
Clothes are quite a problem! In the course of trying to engage in heavy petting with a girl, you may encounter rubber pants; a girdle with a crotch; a girdle that is open-ended; light underpants; leotard-type underpants that start from the waist and include, in one piece, stockings as well as panties; and complete lack of underclothing. How can you pet under these different conditions? As follows:
1. Rubber pants. These are an invention of the devil. Pet the girl through her skirt and get to her genital region as well as you can over the rubber pants, and then, when you have sufficiently aroused her, ask her to take them off. The chances that you can get your hand inside this kind of pants to pet her naked body without hurting her and yourself are negligible. By hook or crook, get those goddam pants off!
2. Girdle with a crotch. Another devilish invention. After, again, getting the girl sufficiently aroused by the other methods we have described, try to get your hand, or at least a finger or two, inside the crotch. Sometimes you can continue in this manner, and arouse her greatly or give her a complete orgasm, even though you have considerable restriction on your hand and finger movement. If this is impossible, do your best to get her to remove the crotch (if it is detachable) or the complete girdle.
3. Girdle that is open-ended. What a relief! Unhook her stockings from the garters that usually hang down from the girdle and you then have her genitals practically wide open to your touch. If you can push the girdle up over her buttocks, thus giving you the freedom to spread her legs farther apart, fine. If not, you can still have a good deal of maneuverability with your hand and fingers, until you get her thoroughly excited; and then you may easily induce her to take off the girdle-and, preferably, all the rest of her clothes-so that you can put the finishing touches to satisfying her with your fingers or your lips.
4. Light underpants. Hook your fingers into the crotch of her light pants and pull them down a few inches. This gives you much more leeway to get at her genitals; and you can go in to them through one side of her leg or the other. Where you cannot get her pants down, it may be necessary for you to hook a finger, particularly your index finger, under them, reach her clitoral region in this manner, and begin massaging it even though her pants (which usually will stretch a little at the bottom) are still in place. This method will restrict your finger movements considerably, and it is not to be preferred; but it can be used where necessary.
5. Leotard-type underpants. A modem iniquitous invention in the same class as rubber pants, only worse. All types of short underpants can sometimes be dislodged if you get your hands under the girl's dress or skirt, grasp them firmly from the top, and pull forcefully, until they come down from her buttocks and dangle loosely around her legs. This is not ideal, since the pants hanging around her legs restrict her freedom of action, and make certain positions and responses well nigh impossible. But it is better than nothing; and it does work in some instances where all else fails.
The leotard-type underpants, which include long stockings that are integrally attached to the panties themselves, make it literally impossible for you to get at a girl's unclothed crotch (unless, miracle of miracles, they happen to have a large hole in them at exactly the right spot!). For heavy, body to body petting, therefore, they simply must come off. As in the case of short underpants, you can try to get them off, or at least down, by hooking your hands under the portion which goes up to the girl's waist, and then firmly pulling or peeling them down. This, especially with the leotard-type pants, has its drawbacks; but, again, it is better than nothing. Better yet, arouse the girl so much in the course of petting her while her underclothing is still on that she will take off her leotard-type pants herself and save you the trouble of awkwardly removing them.
Petting techniques without clothing
When you have your date, regular girlfriend, or even your wife sufficiently unclothed to permit genital petting in the raw, things still are not completely in the clear. For now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their countrywomen and show them what full arousal and non-coital satisfaction really means.
The first thing to be sure of, in this connection, is that you acknowledge the great importance of the clitoral region. In the old days-say, up to a half century ago-most men thought that because they enjoyed intercourse more than almost any other form of sex play, women did too, and that the way to satisfy a woman completely was to be a long-lasting, gymnastically inclined copulator. Shortly after that, the sexological literature (or at least the more enlightened part of it) changed its tune, and sophisticated males started to realize that many women were much more clitoris-centered than vaginally oriented in their sexuality. They came to understand that the clitoris is the homologue of the penis, and that it is not only the most important source of arousal in most females but it requires specific massage, apart from coitus itself, if many of them are to reach climax.
Recently, with the unusual sex researches of Masters and Johnson, even more light has been thrown on clitoral arousal in women. It now appears that it is the clitoral region, rather than the organ itself, which is directly stimulated by most women when they masturbate to orgasm; and that during penile-vaginal copulation those women who receive intense satisfaction and orgasm appear to do so because the copulatory movements indirectly stimulate the clitoral area, and this kind of rhythmic indirect excitation brings them to their sex peaks. (This is quite different from the old notion, which sex books used to include, that during intercourse the male should "ride high" and lean forward, so that the top part of his penis actually touched the clitoris itself and thereby aroused and satisfied the female.)
The point is that if you are going to engage in genital petting and thoroughly arouse your partner, you'd better face the fact that the clitoral region is usually-though not always-the key area by which she is brought to sex heights. Learn to locate this organ, which is a slightly raised mound of relatively hard flesh right at the top of a woman's vulva, at the spot where her two outer labia tend to merge. Practice, when you are with willing females, the exact feel of the clitoris, so that you can find it without using your sense of sight, and so that you can be pretty certain when you are on or near it. Once you are well aware of what and where it is, here are some petting techniques that you can try:
1. The "Eraser." Place the tip of your middle finger on the clitoris (slightly cupping your hand); then roll or move your hand slightly from side to side, as if erasing a short line. Vary the speed in accordance with the response you produce in your partner. If she feels dry, drop your finger down to the vestibule of the vagina, get some lubrication there, and resume your manipulation of the clitoral region with the moisture you have obtained. If you want the girl to have a climax this way, continue to stimulate her; but if you do not want her to have one-perhaps because you think she will be more willing to engage in intercourse if she doesn't have one that way-don't over stimulate her, but stop when you think she is ready for other things.
2. The "Doodle Bug." Stroke the circumference of the base of the clitoris in a circular motion. A slow, lazy, easy motion is often best in this regard; but some women are more stimulated by a faster, and even a very rapid, motion. Again, get some lubrication if she is dry; and, if necessary, and you are well prepared, use an artificial lubricant, such as K-Y Surgical Jelly.
3. The "Banjo String." In some cases, especially where your date is not arousable by the usual methods of massaging around her clitoral area, the little mound that tends to be her most sensitive spot may be rather violently plucked. Slip your finger over the clitoris, starting at one side of it and firmly plucking as you rapidly go to its other side. She may give a distinct jump as you do so, and this may be a signal that she is really reached by this procedure (although in some cases it may signify pain and, if so, she'll let you know soon enough!).
4. The "Globe Master." The clitoris itself, as Masters and Johnson show, may not be highly sensitive to direct stimulation. Moreover, at the height of excitement, it tends to flatten, losing the hardness that originally helped you locate it and stay on target, and to foil some of your best efforts to keep it under your fingers. No matter! If you will use the technique of massaging the entire area around it, including often the vestibule of the vagina itself, you will do much more for some women than if you keep the clitoris directly under your touch. Sometimes grasping the whole vulval area in your fingers will prove to be very arousing; and sometimes massaging the entire area in a vigorous, wide-ranging manner will do the trick.
5. The "Pinpoint." For one reason or other, because of congenital factors or early conditioning, a particular girl may require a pinpointed massage of some special part of her genitalia. Thus, she may be unusually sensitive at the glans or head of the clitoris. Or she may have great stimulatory potential in her meatus (the opening of her urethra, which lies between the clitoris and the vaginal orifice). Or she may go into ecstasy when she is massaged at a certain spot on the upper wall of her vagina (which may be well supplied with nerve endings from the underside of the clitoris). Whatever her individual idiosyncrasies in this connection, try to discover them as early as possible in your petting relations with her, and do not fail to use them to good advantage.
6. The "Teaser." Instead of having steady contact with the clitoral region of your partner, you can try teasing or intermittent stimulation. But beware! This kind of teasing is rarely to be used with an inexperienced girl whom you are introducing to heavy petting for the first time (or even the first few times). For just as soon as you stop steadily exciting this kind of novice, she may lose interest, or may have time to think that she is doing the wrong thing, or may otherwise decide to interrupt the proceedings and push you away. If so, you often will have to forget sex at that point-at least for that evening.
With an experienced woman, teasing may be quite another matter, and may prove unusually titillating to her. In the course of such teasing, you touch the clitoral region, then leave it; then you keep touching it, almost touching it, stroking it for awhile, then desisting, and return. Watch for feedback as you proceed in this manner, for even experienced girls can be left cold.
Oral-genital petting
Petting does not consist of only caressing and stroking various parts of a girl's anatomy with your fingers. It also includes oral-genital relations-at least, when the girl will permit this kind of excitation. Many women, of course, will not allow you to practice cunnilinctus, especially when they are young and unsophisticated sexually, because they wrongly believe it to be "unnatural" or "abnormal" or "dirty," even though they may not think sex itself is a nasty business. On the other hand, there are inexperienced girls who will permit you to kiss their genitals quicker than they will allow you to do almost anything else, because they particularly enjoy this land of sex activity and view it as non-penetrative and un-likely to lead to intercourse.
Some virgins who are intent on preserving their chastity favor cunnilinctus for a special reason. Not only do they wish to avoid intercourse, but they also want to refrain from any sexual activity which may result in the destruction of their hymens; and manual manipulation of their genital area may, of course, do just that. Oral-genital relations, on the other hand, are most un-likely to result in any hymen damage, and therefore are sometimes permitted by girls who are determined to protect their technical virginity.
Another peculiar concomitant of demi-virginity arises in a number of instances these days. Many girls, especially those who want to retain the favor of their male partners but who do not want to have intercourse, easily and quickly resort to fellation, or the taking of the male's penis into the mouth. They thereby give their dates orgasms and are not put upon to satisfy them in any other way. Once these girls convince themselves, in theory and in practice, that oral-genital relations are good and enjoyable, they are only a short step from being convinced that cunnilinctus, the homologue of fellation, is also permissible. So when you discover that the girl you are dating is willing to be a fellatrix, you should have a relatively easy time persuading her to let you practice cunnilinctus.
If you want to know all the details of oral-genital activity, we highly recommend the unique book by Gershon Legman, which he originally published under the anagrammatic pseudonym of Roger-Maxe de la Glannege, Oragenitalism: An Encyclopaedic Outline of Oral Technique in Genital Excitation. He includes an abundance of techniques, many of which are more germane for old lovers and husbands and wives who want to experience all possible kinds of sex variations than for young girls who are being introduced to sex relations for the first time. But they have definite relevance for the complete seducer, too.
For one thing, you would do well to note that oragenitalism is an important part of human sexuality and that it can serve to loosen up certain females, and to give them exceptional satisfaction-as much as virtually any other heterosexual method ever invented. As Legman notes, "The erotic use of the mouth in caressing and exciting the genitalia of the sexual partners is, after the use of the hands and the sexual parts themselves, the most valuable erotic technique, and the most efficacious. It is also the most misunderstood and the most maligned."
As Legman also notes, cunnilinctus does not have to wait upon a couple's taking off their clothes and getting into bed together. It can be done in fairly unprivate places, such as a car; and it can be accomplished while your partner has most of her clothes on. Suppose that you are necking with a girl in a car, and she has no idea that the two of you will engage in anything more than heavy petting. Almost before she knows what is happening, you may engage in oral-genital relations with her by taking these simple steps:
1. Put your head in her lap, so that the back of it is firmly against her clitoral area, and wiggle, until she begins to get excited. At the same time, your hands can be caressing her face, her breasts, or other parts of her body.
2. Open the car door on your side, to give yourself more leg room, and turn over on your stomach. Raise yourself on your elbows, with your face over her lap-ostensibly to talk to her.
3. Bury your face in her lap occasionally and let your breath out on her clitoral region through her clothes. Don't blow, just let your breath out and keep breathing on her.
4. Rub your cheek against her thighs and work her dress up.
5. Run your tongue lightly over her knees and thighs, pulling her dress higher from underneath with your hand, and licking her thighs even higher.
6. Get to her genitals, if you can, with your fingers, by hooking your fingers underneath her panties. Massage her genitals for several minutes, if necessary, until she begins to become interested.
7. After awhile, pull her pants down a short way and use your tongue instead of your fingers on her clitoral region and the other sensitive parts of her genitals.
8. If you decide that you want to give her a complete climax oral-genitally, remove her underpants, spread the major lips of her vulva with your fingers, and lightly flick her clitoral area with the tip of your tongue. Occasionally suck it. The chances are that she'll have a climax.
Oral-genital positions
Just as there are many possible positions of intercourse, so are there many ways to perform cunnilinctus.
Legman has computed that there are at least 14,288,400 potential major combination-postures for one man and one woman-and who knows how many additional minor possibilities! For practical purposes, there are fewer than these. If you want to be a reasonably good lover, and be able to arouse a girl fully by cunnilinctus, and either induce her in that manner to go on to have intercourse or to give her a full orgasm by oragenital means, here are some of the main positions you can employ:
1. Woman lying on her back. She lies on a bed or sofa (occasionally on a table or on the floor), with her legs open, preferably with a pillow under her buttocks, and her thighs raised. Her knees can be raised and her feet brought back toward her buttocks; or she can rest her legs on your shoulders. You can assume various positions, as follows: a. Lie on your stomach, between her legs, with your legs extended or curled at your side. You can either lie flat or rise on your elbows. b. Get on your hands and knees, making sure that her pelvis is lifted high enough to afford you good entry to her genitals; otherwise your neck will be too far down and your position will be strained. Better yet, get on your hands and knees on the floor, while she lies on her back at the edge of a bed or low table, with her legs spread wide apart and her thighs perhaps resting on your shoulders. c. Stand and bend over her, while she is lying on a high bed or table, across the arm of an upholstered chair, or across the top of an automobile seat, with her shoulders on the seat itself (and you standing in the back seat). Stand straight between her legs, provided that she is lying or sitting on a high bench or table, a dresser, or the crotch of a tree. e. Squat between her legs, as in lb. f. Sit between her legs while she lies on a bench, desk, or bed, with her feet extended over the edge (and her legs often resting on your shoulders). You can also sit on a sofa or chair while she lies on the floor with her shoulders down, and you bend forward, put your arms around her knees from underneath, and draw her genitals up to your face. g. Straddle the woman, with your head pointed at her feet, and your elbows on each side of her body. You are then approaching her clitoral region from the top rather than from the bottom; and while you are cunnilinguing her, she is also able, if she wants to do so, to take your penis in her mouth, in the famous sixty-nine position. Or, instead, she can massage your penis with her hands or arouse and satisfy you by pressing it between her breasts. Although she may say no to these practices if you ask her to do them, in the heat of her passion during this position of cunnilinctus, she may become inspired to do so voluntarily. For this reason, this is one of the best oral-genital positions for you to take. h. With the woman's legs raised high and her buttocks supported by a pillow or bolster, you can lie on your side facing either toward her head or toward her feet, and can reach her genitals with your mouth. This position will usually not be as comfortable or maneuverable for you as some of the other positions noted above, but it can be used at certain times. i. Woman lying on her side. When the woman lies on her side, with her legs scissored open, you can also lie on your side and easily reach her genitals with your mouth. Or you yourself can use various sitting, squatting, and standing positions, particularly if you employ certain pieces of apparatus (as noted under point 1), such as a bed, a sofa, a desk, or a car seat.
3. Woman lying on her stomach. If the woman lies on her stomach on a bed, and her legs are raised high on your shoulders, you can again reach her genitals with your tongue and lips. This is rather a difficult position, and is not recommended under normal conditions. Better yet, if she lies on her stomach on a high bed or desk, with her legs dangling over the side, you will be better able to tongue her genitals if you are in a sitting, kneeling, or squatting position.
4. Woman sitting. If she is sitting on a chair, with her thighs spread wide apart, or if she is sitting on the side of a bed or desk, you can sit or kneel between her legs and comfortably perform cunnilinctus.
5. Other positions. If the woman is kneeling, squatting, standing, or taking various other positions, it is also possible for you to engage in oral-genital relations with her. Many of these positions, however, are uncomfortable, not too efficient, and require special apparatus in order to work well. By and large, the postures that we have outlined above, with variations you may work out from your own experimentation, will suffice. The main thing-as it always is with human sexuality-is that you discover what you and your partner like best, and not just try new positions for the sake of novelty.
Anal petting
Anal relations have been among the most tabooed in our culture; and even today, when oral-genital relations arc becoming the norm among educated and experienced couples, there is considerable reluctance to engage in anal manipulation, anilinctns, or anal intercourse. Some of this reluctance is sensible, since the anus, although normally not filled with fecal matter as most people erroneously seem to believe, is not the cleanest or most sweet-smelling organ, and many lovers prefer to stay away from it out of preference and taste rather than of irrational avoidance.
Innumerable individuals, on the other hand, are exquisitely sensitive in their anal area and find that sex relations are much more satisfying when this part of their body is involved. If, therefore, you would be an unusually good lover, you should seriously consider anal as well as genital caresses, and should sometimes include them as part of your lovemaking methods.
With girls that you are trying to seduce, and particularly with young and inexperienced ones, anal arousal is to be approached more carefully and cautiously. If you caress or gently slap a girl's backside, in the course of sex play, she may enjoy it, and even ask for more. But if you approach the anal orifice, she may become upset, shrink back in horror, and put a complete halt to all your ventures.
Take care, then! Even when you have a girl completely undressed, and she seems to be actively enjoying all kinds of caresses and kisses on various parts of her body, only gingerly approach her anally. Be exceptionally gentle, and make sure that you do not hurt her. Use the barest tips of your fingers, in a highly tentative exploratory manner, and be ready to retreat immediately if she offers any serious objection or seems to be in pain. Once you are having steady sex relations with a girl, you can broach the matter of anal sexuality in much more direct terms, and can try to persuade her to experiment in that respect. But at the very beginning, unless you have some reason to believe that she is particularly receptive in this area, go easy. There's many a slip between the anus and the lips!
Getting the girl to reciprocate
At the beginning of a relationship, when you are trying to seduce a girl who has had little sex experience in general and almost none with you, it is unrealistic to expect any great amount of petting reciprocation. Your main job, whether you like it or not, is to pet her; and if she is at first exceptionally passive, willing to take all the pleasure you can give her (even up to and including orgasm), and to give you practically nothing in return, that is too bad, and there's not much that you can do about it.
If you think, on the contrary, that she really should reciprocate in kind, and that she's an awful bitch for not doing so, disaster will almost always ensue.
For you will be covertly if not overtly hostile to her, she will sense that you are dissatisfied and critical, and she will often feel unduly put upon.
After all, in most instances, she did not ask you to start kissing and petting her; and if you did so on the hope that she would soon be doing the same to you, that was your gamble, and she is hardly to blame for your having taken it.
So stop your nonsense! Your sexual satisfaction, at the beginning, should not be that important. If she voluntarily starts petting you actively in return for the pleasure you are giving her, fine. If not, philosophically accept the fact that frustration is a normal part of the game at this point. Try not to get yourself too aroused in the process of pleasing her; or you may let yourself get aroused and then see to it that you later masturbate to release your sexual tension.
Is there anything, without making childish overt demands on her, that you can do at this stage to encourage her to pet you and to give you a certain amount of satisfaction? Yes, often there is. Instead of asking her to hold your penis or to kiss it or to perform other sex acts you would like her to do, you can gently try to move her to do these things.
Thus, you can take her hand, from time to time, and put it on your penis. Or you can push your genitals against various parts of her body and move in such a manner as to encourage her to return your pressure. If she at first turns away from you or refuses to cooperate with these motions, you can go back to them later, and gradually train her to do some of them.
" Usually it's best not to ask. If you say, "Will you please touch my penis?" the chances are high that she will refuse. Even if you ask her to unzip your fly or unbutton your shirt, she will tend to say no. But if, without saying anything to her you suddenly unzip your own fly and place your genitals against her thighs or in her hands, the chances are greater that she will not withdraw, but will at least mildly cooperate. After a few repetitions of this kind of action on your part, the probability of your getting still more cooperation from her is decidedly increased. But be ready to beat a hasty retreat.
Always remember: Seduction is a form of persuasion; and modified seduction, even though its goal is the pleasure of the girl you are trying to seduce, is still a persuasive technique. In selling something to someone, you eventually hope to benefit by your sale; but in the course of the inducing process, you generally do not. So don't be upset if, for quite awhile during your initial contacts with a girl you are trying to seduce, you have to do practically all the petting and she offers very little in return. That's all you need-right then. Later, we hope matters will be much more reciprocal!
CHAPTER EIGHT
GIVING FULL SATISFACTION
The ultimate goal of modified seduction is the giving of full satisfaction-first to the girl and second to yourself. Why should the girl and her satisfaction come first? Because the goal, usually, is not merely a one night conquest or seeing that you have a great climax on that particular evening. This is the goal of unbridled or crass seduction. That of modified seduction-remember!-is to please the girl so much in the course of getting her to bed that she will intensely want to be with you on future occasions and will want to do almost everything possible (at least after awhile) to please you. So if you are only partially gratified at first, that's too bad; but it's to be expected, and you needn't consider yourself a martyr or an idiot for getting yourself into that position.
Modified seduction, in other words, aims for long-range rather than short-range hedonism: It tries to provide you with some pleasure today and even more tomorrow. It helps you run your life by what Freud called the reality principle instead of the pure pleasure principle-or by the philosophy of giving up some present pleasures for future gains. Hedonism is a great creed to live by, but there is such a thing as mature as well as childish pleasure-seeking, and modified seduction falls into the former rather than the latter category.
Giving full satisfaction to a woman, especially during some of your first dates with her, does not necessarily consist of copulating with her until she has an orgasm. It means bringing her to complete climax and often to three or four or more climaxes in a given evening-by some means or other, coitally or non-coitally. With many women, and particularly with skittish virgins, by far the best way to start satisfying them is without your sacred penis. The one thing they consider most sacrosanct is intercourse; and it is the one sex technique by which they are likely to become pregnant. Consequently, if you assure them, by your words as well as your deeds, that you are not compulsively interested in penile-vaginal copulation, and that you are more than willing to pet them to orgasm (as well as to have them do the same for you), you are much more likely to get them fully undressed and ready for sexual completion than if you insist on ending up with coitus.
Satisfying a female extravaginally, moreover, is probably the best way to induce her to have intercourse. For once she sees that you are truly interested in her satisfaction, once she has done everything except coitus with you and safely enjoyed herself, and once she sees that your demands are not inordinate and that she can fairly easily satisfy you by manual and oral methods, she will most likely lose all her fears of having sex with you, will trust you implicitly,-may become emotionally attached to you, and will want to let herself be carried away into intercourse itself. Not that you have to copulate! For if you are in your teens, or do not have adequate means of birth control available, or she is directly under parental scrutiny, it may be wiser for you not to do so, and to continue to pet to orgasm each time you are together sexually. But if it is feasible for you to have coitus without any great tangible danger, she will likely eventually welcome it if you first satisfy her in non-coital ways over a long enough period of time.
What are the best ways to satisfy a girl completely when you have got her to the point where she will let you do so? You will find many glorious details about copulatory and noncopulatory techniques in various sex manuals, such as the senior author's The Art and Science of Love and the other manuals we listed in Chapter 2. As we suggested, read some of them. In case no good manual of this sort is immediately available, here are a few salient pointers.
Petting to climax
In the previous chapter, we have delineated some of the main techniques of manual and oral petting. Virtually all the methods outlined there can be used not only to arouse a woman so that she will want to have intercourse with you, but can be taken one step further and used to give her a full climax.
If you want to use manual means of giving your partner orgasm, here are some specific steps that you may take:
1. Get yourself and the girl in a comfortable position. Standing in the hallway of her building or trying to make it fully with her when you are in adjoining movie seats is hardly the most comfortable position in the world, though either of these (and even more unlikely) positions may be used in a pinch.
2. Remove her underclothing, if possible. If you can, take off or get her to take off all her clothing; even if she is sufficiently undressed for you to manipulate her genitals, you can usually arouse her better and lead her more fully to orgasm if you can freely kiss and caress other erogenous zones of her body as well.
3. If you are lying down, you may find it best to rest on one elbow and place the elbow of your petting arm on your hip bone. If you are sitting, you may find it best to draw up your outside leg and rest your elbow on your thigh. In these or similar ways you should be able to pet for a considerable period of time-sometimes up to an hour or more-without your fingers or arms getting tired.
4. Use the "eraser" or the "doodle bug" or any other of the techniques of exciting the girl's clitoral region that we have described in Chapter 7. Discover which method she most likes and favor that one; but at times switch, for variety's sake, to another method, especially when the main one you are using is not leading her to achieve an orgasm.
5. Usually, the thing that produces a climax in a woman who is hard to satisfy is sameness-that is, your using the same motion, same pressure, same position, same breathing, same everything. But not always! Some women require an occasional or constant change in method of excitation; and they will frankly tell you so. Others also require change, but will not verbalize about this preference. Try to find out from the girl, by observing her reactions, and by talking to her, what methods are best for her.
6. With most females, use saliva or secretions from their genitals to lubricate the clitoral region and other sensitive spots of their genitals. Commercial lubricants, such as K-Y Jelly which (unlike vaseline) is water soluble, are often excellent and should be available. Too much lubrication may bother some females, and it may have to be wiped away from time to time.
7. When the girl seems to be having a climax, don't assume that this is the time to lose contact with her genitals. Men frequently are supersensitive immediately following orgasm and want no further contact with their penis at that time. But females usually prefer continued pressure on the clitoral region, although not necessarily a continuation of active manipulation. Exert this kind of pressure, and remain still until she signals you to break contact entirely.
Intercourse methods: problems with virgins
Your ultimate goal generally is to have intercourse with the girl you seduce. Not that you have to have it; you can be excellently satisfied without actual coitus. But intercourse is one of the most enjoyable of human pursuits, and there is no reason why you should not engage in it with a willing partner. One of the main problems of modified seduction, then, is to make her willing.
If the girl is a virgin, you may have some special problems of having intercourse with her at first. For one thing, she may not even know what a climax is, and you may have to enlighten her somewhat and show her, largely through petting, how to have one. You may also have to teach her that the first time she has intercourse she may or may not have a very pleasant time of it, and may or may not have an orgasm (even when she previously received it by manual and oral stimulation).
In effecting intercourse with a virgin, you usually should proceed slowly and cautiously, since she will tend to be fearful of several things-especially of pain, of pregnancy, and of not being able to perform well. Try to put her at ease, largely by showing her that you know what you are doing, that your main goal is to please her and to make the process painless, and that you expect little or nothing of her. Let her know that the initiation process may not go well at first, but that this does not bother you. If it takes several-even many-times to completely devirginize her and to have successful intercourse, that should be all right with you; and she should be sure that you are in no hurry, will only go as far as she wants to let you go at first, and will not criticize her for her ineptness or lack of courage.
In general, you should try to effect entry of her vagina with your penis in a gentle and slow manner, by degrees rather than in one fell swoop. See that she is fully aroused, and that her sex organs are well lubricated by her own arousal or by artificial means. Enter her vagina slowly and gradually, taking care that entry is not too painful. Frequently, it is best to prepare her, if her hymen is intact, by making manual entry first, with one or two of your fingers, and by pushing the hymen back or breaking it in this manner. For your fingers have a sense of direction, know what they are doing, and can penetrate or withdraw at your will; while it is much more difficult for you, particularly when you are sexually aroused and perhaps in danger of ejaculating quickly or losing your erection, to use your penis in as sensitively probing a manner as you can use your fingers.
General rules are fine, but they all have their occasional exception. In some cases, it is best to devirginize a girl boldly and quickly, without too much gentleness in your approach. This is especially true if she is skittish and inclined to put you off completely at the first sign of discomfort or pain. It is also true if she is hesitant about having intercourse at all. In such circumstances, if you are cautious and overly kind, she may pull away before the act is completed: while if you are bold and direct, she may be devirginized before she hardly knows what is occurring, and may be grateful for the dispatch with which it was accomplished. Once vaginal entry is effected, therefore, it may be advisable for you to reach the hymen with your penis and then make a quick pelvic thrust which enables you to pass by it and achieve complete penetration. Even if such a method is somewhat painful, the pain quickly subsides and the woman is glad to have the deed done. We have noted quite a few problems where lovers or husbands kept dilly-dallying so long in having initial intercourse that much more pain and panic were engendered in the course of a long, drawn-out process than would have occurred if there had been a one-two-three penetrations with a moderate amount of initial pain.
If you are initiating intercourse with a virgin and she panics in the middle of it, stop and reassure her, and show her that having sex right then and there is far less important to you than calming her down. Talk to her; show her that her fears are exaggerated; convince her that you are basically on her side. If she is too upset, do not attempt to have coitus at all that evening, but let it go for another time. Satisfy her, if you can, in noncoital ways and let it go at that. If you can successfully calm her, it may be possible to have intercourse an hour or two later.
During intercourse, it is often best to aim your penis toward the anterior or upper wall of the vagina, since the opening in the hymen is likely to be larger in that vicinity. However, this same anterior wall is also well supplied with nerve endings from the underside of the clitoral area, so it may be sensitive to both pleasure and pain, and it may have to be approached gently rather than vigorously during initial intercourse.
The more you arouse a virgin before intercourse, the easier defloration tends to be. If she is sufficiently aroused and if she definitely wants to have coitus in order to get her virginity over with and to please you, she will tend to ignore the discomfort that may ensue from tearing or stretching her hymen. Although pain is mediated through specific nerve endings of the body, it is greatly influenced by one's psychological state; so that if a virgin is highly distracted during intercourse and not focusing on the pain she thinks she is "supposed to" receive, she will be much less likely to be traumatized by intercourse than would otherwise be true.
Not every virgin has a hymen; some females are born without one or have a thin membrane that is easily punched or pushed aside during masturbation, medical examinations, petting, or other activities. So if your girlfriend says she is a virgin but does not appear to have any hymen, do not make an issue of it, nor imply that she is lying to you. Treat her as if she were entirely virginal, even if you think she isn't, and show her that you. accept her as a person whether or not she has technically preserved her chastity up to the time when you first have intercourse with her.
The folklore states that when a girl is devirginized there is a considerable amount of visible bleeding. This is sometimes but not always true; even a female with an intact hymen may bleed very little or not at all during initial intercourse. When bleeding does occur, you can encourage the girl to rest on her back with her thighs together for a few minutes, and that will normally stop it. If bleeding is excessive and prolonged-which is quite uncommon-take her to a physician promptly.
Intercourse may be had with a virgin in any of the usual positions which are outlined below. Usually, however, you should try the face to face position, with yourself on top, and with her legs raised quite high, so that her vaginal opening opens widely. As noted above, penetration should generally be slow and the hymen preferably should be stretched rather than broken. At the point where your penis meets real resistance, it may be advisable for you to make a quick thrust and for her to meet you in a similar thrust.
Your behavior with the girl immediately after initial intercourse may be crucial to her and your future relations-perhaps to her future attitude toward sex. You should let her see that you think she has done exactly the right thing in letting herself be devirginized, and that you do not think she is one whit diminished because of this. You should also try to indicate that initial intercourse, however satisfactory it has been, is probably only a prelude to much better sex relations to come, and that as she continues to have coital relations, things will probably get more and more satisfactory.
Intercourse methods: coital positions
There are many possible positions of intercourse-probably thousands if every little minor variation is counted. Detailed information on the main positions, together with their advantages and disadvantages, is given in the senior author's The Art and Science of Love. Here, in briefer outline, are some of the main coital postures that you can take with a willing partner:
1. Face to face, man on top. You get on top of the woman, who is lying prone on a bed or sofa, preferably with her legs spread, her knees flexed, and her thighs raised. A pillow may be placed under her buttocks and her legs may be placed on your shoulders. Don't actually lie directly on her, but support the weight of your body on your hands or forearms. In different variations of this position, she may keep her legs apart and flat, keep them between your knees, and put one of them between your legs, bend her thighs back toward her chest, raise one of her legs while keeping the other flat, wrap one or both legs around yours, or wrap her legs around your waist.
2. Face to face, woman on top. You lie on your back and she squats over you and guides your penis into her vagina; or she sits in an astride position on your erect penis and loins, with her back resting against your flexed knees and raised thighs. Or you can achieve penetration in some other position and then gently roll around until she is on top. Once entry has been effected, she can keep squatting, or sit astride, or straighten out her legs and lie between or outside yours. You can lie prone, or can lift yourself on your hands and forearms, or can raise your knees at her side or in back of her.
3. Face to face, side by side. You both lie side by side, facing each other. You may both have your lower legs on the bed, with her upper leg over your legs; or her lower leg may rest on your lower leg and your upper leg may rest between her legs, so that they are interlocked. Or one of you may be largely resting on his or her back while the other is on the side.
4. Rear entry, man's face to woman's back. You may enter her vagina from the rear, instead of from the front, in several ways: (a) You may lie on your side behind her back (she, too, being on her side), with her buttocks somewhat above your penis and her body slightly curved inwardly, her legs bent at her hips. You enter her vagina between her legs and let your scrotum press against her buttocks, (b) She may kneel on her hands and knees, with her head and breast almost on the bed or sofa, with you kneeling behind her. You again enter her vagina between her legs, (c) She may he on her stomach with her pelvis raised and with you lying on top of her. (d) You may sit on the side of a bed or chair, while she, with her back to you, sits on your penis and your lap (or lower part of your stomach).
5. Sitting positions. The sitting positions, which are often quite comfortable, have several main possibilities:
(a) You sit on a chair or edge of a bed and she faces you, her legs astride yours. With your legs apart and her legs around your waist, you can pull her toward and away from you. (b) You can sit on a high chair or bed while she stands facing with her legs somewhat apart. You can then pull her hips back and forth to you. (c) You can squat between her thighs, while she is lying on her back facing you, with her legs on your hips. You can then make pelvic thrusts or pull her pelvis back and forth toward you. Or she can squat between your thighs, while you are lying on your back with your legs apart, and she can make churning movements around your penis, (d) You can sit on a bed or chair, while she bends over, in a doubled-up position, with her back to you. You can then, using the rear entry position, pull her pelvis back and forth over your penis.
6. Standing positions. Sometimes, if you have short legs or she has long ones, you may stand and face each other and effect entry and intercourse. Or she can lie with her legs dangling over the edge of a table or bed while you stand between her legs. Or you can stand while she, with her arms around your neck, clasps your hips between her thighs.
Birth control methods
If you are going to have penile-vaginal intercourse with a girl, particularly a young and sexually unsophisticated one, you should be certain that proper contraceptive methods are employed. Ideally, she should be protected by using the birth control pill; but very frequently, especially if she is a virgin, she will not be. Therefore, the main burden of birth control may fall upon you, and you should be careful to accept this burden, and let her know that you have no intention of impregnating her. Even if she tends to be careless in this respect-as a surprisingly large number of girls are-you should insist on adequate protection. Some of the main contraceptive methods which may be employed are:
1. Oral contraceptive. The only birth control measure which seems to be about 100 per cent effective is the birth control pill, a steroid compound which is taken once a day for twenty consecutive days and then discontinued for five days. So far, in spite of some unpleasant side effects which it may have, this pill has proved harmless for the vast majority of women who have used it. It is contraindicated, however, in some cases, and has to be prescribed by a physician. If it is possible to get the girl with whom you are going to use it, by all means encourage her to do so, since it is probably the greatest boon to intercourse yet invented.
2. Diaphragm and contraceptive jelly. A rubber diaphragm, which the woman inserts into her vagina to block her cervical opening, and which is used in conjunction with contraceptive jelly, is usually the second-best method recommended for safe intercourse. Research by Masters and Johnson, however, has recently shown that it is not quite as safe as was previously thought; and it is objected to by many women, who dislike the time, trouble, and messiness involved in using it. In an ongoing relationship where it is impractical for the woman to use birth control pills it is highly recommended. It cannot usually be employed by virgins; and it has to be specifically prescribed by a physician.
3. Contraceptive foam or jelly alone. Various foams and jellies may be inserted into a woman's vagina to block off the cervical opening and kill the male's sperm, and can be used without a diaphragm or condom. They are by no means entirely safe and should generally not be trusted unless employed in conjunction with another contraceptive method.
4. Condom or sheath. Condoms or sheaths (popularly called rubbers) are rubber or animal-skin tubes which are rolled onto the male's penis to prevent his sperm from reaching the woman's uterus. They are not entirely safe, since they can break, can have holes in them, and can slip off during intercourse; but they are convenient and they constitute a fairly safe device that you can always have ready at hand, in case you seduce a girl and she does suddenly agree to have intercourse. They should preferably be used in conjunction with contraceptive jelly or some other birth control method.
5. So-called safe period or rhythm method. Because most women take about twenty-eight days to complete their menstrual cycles, and because ovulation occurs around the midpoint of this cycle and women are usually only fertile for a few days around this midpoint, there is not a good chance that they will become pregnant if they refrain from having coitus from about the eleventh to the eighteenth day of a twenty-eight-day cycle. But since most women have irregular menstruation from time to time and their ovulation may be disrupted by various factors-such as illness, emotional upsets, and unusual changes in their lives-the "safe" period of rhythm method is not highly reliable and should not usually be employed, especially with an unmarried girl who wants to avoid pregnancy, unless it is combined with some other contraceptive technique. Don't fool yourself by letting your wish be father to your thought and insisting that your girl cannot possibly conceive because you are copulating on, say, the seventh day after the beginning of her cycle. She probably won't; but she certainly can, and your wish may make you father to your child.
6. Withdrawal. Coitus interruptus or withdrawal is the process of withdrawing the penis from the vagina after intercourse has taken place for some time, but before ejaculation occurs. It is the most available-and, of course, cheapest-method of contraception known; and therefore it is widely used, particularly in the course of seduction. You should rarely if ever use this method of contraception, no matter how sorely you are tempted to do so, for several reasons: (a) Your precoital lubricating fluid may contain sperm and you may impregnate a girl without ejaculating in her vagina, (b) You can easily misjudge your timing and withdraw your penis after ejaculation has taken place, (c) If you withdraw in time but ejaculate, after withdrawal, close to the entrance of the vagina, impregnation can still occur, (d) If you have intercourse twice in a row, live sperm may remain in your urethra after the first time and impregnate your partner, (e) Even when coitus interruptus works as a contraceptive method, you will tend to be anxious about its not working and may lose much of the pleasure of intercourse.
7. Sterilization. Both males and females may be sterilized by surgical procedures, so that they are rendered infertile. The male may have his vas deferens (seminal duct) cut and tied; and the female, in a much more complicated operation, may have her fallopian tubes tied. Both these procedures are somewhat reversible; but once done, sterilization usually leads to permanent infertility. If you have already had children and are certain you do not want any more or, if you are quite sure that you wish to have no children at all, and if you want to lead a sexually active life and attempt a good many seductions, you might think seriously of having yourself sterilized.
8. Abstinence. A sure-fire method of birth control is refraining completely from intercourse. This is not very practical in the seductive process, unless you want to limit your relations entirely to heavy petting; and even then you have to make sure that none of your semen is ejaculated in the neighborhood of her vaginal orifice, and that none is on your fingers when you manually stimulate her genitals. Because of its obvious limitations, abstinence is not a very acceptable method for people who engage in long-term sexual relationships.
9. Intra-uterine devices. Intra-uterine devices, or plastic or steel peccaries which are inserted by a physician into the woman's uterus through her cervix, and which remain in place for long periods of time, have been used more than ever before in recent years, in spite of early unsatisfactory experience with them. For some women they seem to be fairly safe and convenient; but for one reason or another, many women cannot use them for any length of time. Until more experience with them accumulates, it is better not to rely solely on this contraceptive technique.
10. Combined methods. If you are not sterilized and if your girl does not regularly employ contraceptive pills, you should seriously consider using two birth control methods simultaneously, especially if it is highly important that she does not become pregnant. Thus, you can use a condom in conjunction with the rhythm method; or you can use the rhythm method at the same time that you use contraceptive jelly without a diaphragm. If you show a girl that you are most interested in protecting her in a double safeguarded manner, she will have more confidence in your caring for her and will be more likely to have occasional or steady sex relations with you.
Post-coital procedures
Your relationship with a girl does not immediately end with intercourse; at least, it had better not! If you merely induce her to engage in sex with you, copulate actively with her, have an orgasm yourself, and then immediately turn over and sleep or get up and leave her, she will probably think you inconsiderate and unloving, and will be in no mood to continue to have sex with you (or any other man!) in the future. Most women are supersensitive immediately following petting to climax or intercourse. They want to be held closely, told nice things about themselves, accepted as human beings and not merely treated as sex objects.
Consequently, if you are kind and wise, you will take some time after sex to continue to make love, with words and deeds, to show the girl that you really like her, that you are still interested in her and want to please her, and that you are looking forward to seeing her again. Don't, after you have been sexually satisfied, shortcut paying the girl the same sort of undivided attention that you paid her beforehand.
CHAPTER NINE
PROBLEMS AND BY-PRODUCTS
Seducing a female is a complicated business. Unadulterated seduction has its distinct difficulties; and modified seduction tends to have more. Your aim in this latter kind of relationship, mind you, is to go beyond a one-night stand and to keep your partner in a generally receptive frame of mind toward you and the male sex in general. Let us discuss some possible pitfalls, and what you can do to stay in the clear.
Stamina makes the difference
You may apply all the techniques we have been outlining in this book and apply them well and still not get very far with women. Why? Because you may be impatient and persistent. This, from one point of view, is odd: If you wanted to become reasonably adept at golf, tennis, or half a hundred other sports, you would probably spend any amount of time, money, and effort making yourself proficient in these areas. But because you have strong sex desires, which often clamor to be satisfied right now, pronto, this very minute, you are likely to think that the sport of lovemaking is different from any other, and that it's hardly worth the candle if you have to spend long, hardworking hours and days at it.
Such puerility! If you want to do almost anything well, you have to study and work at it intensively.
Many men assiduously devote themselves to a woman on the first date or two, get rejected by her, give up, and settle down to a virtually sexless life. Don't! Sex/love relations are not always worth the candle; occasionally they are just not worth all the time and trouble involved. But mostly they are. For loving is an important part of living; and though it won't kill you not to have sex with females, it's usually a dull life without it. You learn about yourself, moreover, and what you really do and do not want, mainly by trying, by experiencing, and by failing at certain ventures. Unless you keep acting, doing, striving, you will remain only technically or half alive, and will never even know what you truly would enjoy being.
Sex and buddy relationships with a girl
It often happens that you will have a buddy relationship with a girl, with practically no sex between you, because she is going with some other fellow (who may be your best friend), because you are emotionally interested in another girl, because the two of you have had a sex relationship and no longer want to continue it, because you are just not physically attracted to each other, or for various other reasons. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with maintaining such buddy relationships; and they may even be used to good sexual advantage, since a female buddy will often get dates for you with her girlfriends, will talk to you about your problems with girls, and will otherwise be helpful.
Suppose you want to change a sex relationship with a girl into a buddy relationship, or vice versa. What then? Usually, you talk. You say to the girl with whom you are having sex, "Look, dear. I like you very much and I want to go on being very friendly with you. But (and here you give some plausible reason) I think it would be better for us to stop having sex right now." You can explain that you're attracted to some other girl, or are having difficulty getting sexually aroused with anyone, or what you will. Most of the time, if you are honest in this respect, you can end up by being friendly on a nonsexual basis with a girl who has previously petted heavily or even gone to bed with you.
If you want to start being sexual with a girl with whom you are on buddy terms, you can say something like: "You know that I value your friendship very much and that I want to keep it. But the fact remains that I keep getting more and more attracted to you sexually, and that one of these days-and maybe real soon!-I'm going to grab you and try to rip your clothes off. So don't be surprised when it occurs!" Or, without saying anything, you can merely begin to kiss her in a more friendly manner, caress her where previously you have merely held her hand, and see if you can't get her sexually aroused, just as you would do if you had never been on buddy terms with her.
In any event, don't think that your relationship with girls have to be on one plane, just because they have started off so. You can begin as a buddy, become a lover, and then go back to being a buddy again. You can sometimes start a purely sexual relationship with a girl, then go on to a sex-love relationship, then have a loving but nonsexual relationship, then end up as good friends who do not really love each other very much. There are many possibilities, and at various times you may try practically all of them with a given girl.
Being sexually moral
In the old days, sexual morality consisted largely of refraining from sex at all unless (a) you were married to your partner and (b) you were interested in procreation. Today, those of us who are objective and sane do not think there is anything wrong with sex in, of, by, and for itself, but that only certain ways in which it is done may be ill-advised or erroneous.
What ways? The same ways, basically, that hold true for nonsexual acts. That is to say, any human act is immoral or unethical when one individual specifically, needlessly, unfairly, and unwittingly harms another human being. And any sex act is wrong when it is perpetrated by an individual so that, in the course of performing it, he gratuitously, unfairly, and against another's volition causes injury to the other.
Are not various sex acts harmful in themselves? Perhaps; but it is difficult to think of one that is. Many acts-such as necrophilia or having sex relations with lower animals-are rather uncommon, bizarre, and idiosyncratic; and some of them would hardly be performed by an undisturbed person. But it is difficult to see how even these peculiar activities intrinsically are unethical in the usual sense unless they are done in a manner that needlessly and deliberately harms others.
The thing that really is most unethical in life is your condemning yourself and others for possible or actual wrongdoings: This kind of moralism pretends to be for the individual and social good but really creates havoc among us fallible people. The useful purpose of criticism is to help the criticized individual change his ineffective ways for better ones. But condemning a whole person for any of his acts helps him feel, normally, that because he is no good he cannot possibly do any better in the future and that because he has done so poorly he deserves to spend his time and energy punishing himself for his sins. Although constructive criticism, therefore, may be helpful, denigration of a person for his behavior is a destructive kind of criticism that does not help him and that usually gives you yourself a pain in the gut (which we call hostility).
This is notably true in regard to sex. If you condemn a girl for her sex activities-for her being promiscuous, for example, or for her accepting payment for the sex favors she gives-you are usually (a) contending that her performance is wrong, when actually it may not be (promiscuity may be good rather than bad for her); (b) holding that she is totally worthless for this particular performance; (c) wrecking your own chances for good sex-love relations with her (or girls similar to her); (d) maintaining a generally intolerant attitude that will limit your own living and focus your emotions in an undesirable direction.
More specifically: Watch your attitudes toward any girl you seduce! She may be weak (or stupid!) for giving in to your wiles. But her act of having sex with you is hardly wrong in itself-it probably is good. And if the manner in which she had it (perhaps foolishly, against her best interests) happens to be mistaken, then she may be decidedly neurotic (or even psychotic). So she has her limitations; too bad! But she is not "worse" than you are; she is hardly an "evil woman"; she is not a worm or a slut. She is merely a little more fallible than it would be better for her to be; and, for that matter, who isn't? If you think less of her for having engaged in intercourse with you, you are the one who has a real problem. If there ever were a "sin," this surely is it.
Sexual performance difficulties
Almost every man has some kind of difficulties in performing sexually at certain times during his life, and this especially tends to be true of males who are out to seduce beautiful young women. Just because they value victory so highly and because they think it is awful if they fail, they make themselves overly anxious-and then, ironically, they do fail. Types of sexual difficulties in males are discussed at length in various sex manuals (such as the senior author's The Art and Science of Love). Here are a few brief pointers to aid you, in your seduction attempts, if you become afflicted with any of the usual sex problems.
1. Premature ejaculation. The male who is highly excited sexually, particularly when he is young and inexperienced, tends to become quickly aroused and all-too-quickly orgasmic. The average male of any age, as the Kinsey researchers have shown, is likely to last in active intercourse for two minutes or less. But many males last only for a few seconds; and others ejaculate even before they have entered the woman's vagina with their penis.
There are several reasons why, either occasionally or persistently, you may be afflicted with premature ejaculation: a. You may be sexually inexperienced and have not yet had enough practice in holding back your orgasm for awhile. b. You may be having sex relations with females too infrequently, and therefore be over-aroused on the few occasions when you do have it. c. You may be so afraid that you will not last long in intercourse and will disappoint your partner, that you will bring on hypersensitivity because of your extreme anxiety. d. You may be guilty about having intercourse and want to prevent yourself from having it satisfactorily. e. You may be afraid to impregnate the girl with whom you are having coitus and pick this novel method of contraception.
Of these reasons, the first three are the most important, and the third one is generally the most common of all. If you want to overcome premature ejaculation, here are some methods you can try: a. Get as much experience sexually as possible. Even if you think there is a good chance of your failing at first, try and try again, until you develop methods of succeeding. The more you give up trying, the more you will convince yourself that it would be awful if you failed-and that idea will make you more impotent. b. Consciously look for and bring to light the catastrophizing views that you are indoctrinating yourself with which make you ejaculate prematurely. See clearly that you are telling yourself, "How horrible it would be if I failed her! What a louse that would prove me to be!" or "Other men succeed at intercourse; I cannot succeed; therefore I am an incompetent who does not deserve to succeed." Determine your basic philosophies that underlie these self-indoctrinations-for example, the values that it would be horrible (instead of merely inconvenient) if you failed and you would be a louse (instead of a capable person who happens to be as yet inept in this particular endeavor) if you didn't last a long time sexually. Then vigorously contradict and challenge these self-defeating philosophies. Ask yourself, "Why would it be horrible if I failed?" and "Where is the evidence that I would be a worm if I didn't last fifteen minutes in active coitus?" c. If you come too quickly with a girl on a given evening, rest awhile, then attempt to have intercourse with her later on, when you will be less easily aroused. Or, if necessary, masturbate an hour or two before you meet her that evening. Or use some nerve-deadening ointment, such as Nupercainal salve, thirty minutes or so before you attempt intercourse. d. Learn to think of nonsexual things, people and events just before you enter the girl's vagina with your penis, or immediately after you enter it. Think of the wheat fields in South Dakota, or the ugly gal you know with whom you never would consider having sex, or the great intellectual conversation you had yesterday. You bring on a high state of sexual excitement and the onset of orgasm largely with your thoughts and fantasies; but if you divert these into nonsexual pathways, you can often retard orgasm for a considerable period of time. e. If you have intercourse in a slow and easy manner, taking short strokes and several pauses between your thrusts, you can often retard your climax. You can also try breathing deeply at the points you think your orgasm is approaching and tightening or relaxing your anal muscles when you seem about to come.
2. Difficulty in achieving or maintaining erection. Many males, including those who are normally quite potent, at times have difficulty in achieving or maintaining an erection. They may be over-anxious about maintaining it, may be physically fatigued, may have mixed feelings about having sex at that time, or may be otherwise blocked. If you are in this condition, here are some methods you can use to help yourself: a. Accept the fact that this kind of difficulty is quite usual and that it hardly means that you will be impotent for all time. It is inconvenient for you to have this kind of problem just when you have induced the girl to engage in intercourse; but that's all it really is: inconvenient and not catastrophic. b. Don't castigate yourself for having erectile difficulty. It's not shameful, doesn't mean that she'll never talk to you again, and doesn't prove that you're not really a man. c. Be honest with your partner, let her know that you are having difficulties but that this is temporary, and that if she bears with you, and even helps you, the difficulties will disappear. See if you can't get her to excite you, by massaging your penis, engaging in oral-genital relations, or doing other things that you find arousing. d. Focus on sexually arousing ideas and images. Think of things or persons who stimulate you, or of exciting acts you would like to do with your present partner. The more definitely you concentrate on sexual imagery-instead of on how awful it is that you are not sufficiently erect-the more potent you will tend to be.
3. Difficulty in achieving orgasm. In some instances males can have full erections and maintain them almost indefinitely, but they are not able to achieve orgasm. This condition may arise because they are fatigued, have imbibed too much alcohol, are not greatly aroused by a particular woman, are afraid of impregnating their partner, or are not focusing properly on sexually exciting things. If you sometimes have trouble in reaching a climax, here are some methods you can employ: a. Have sex less frequently before you try to have intercourse with your girlfriend; refrain from masturbation and all other orgasm-producing practices for several days before your date with her. b. Try different forms of stimulation, such as oral/genital relations, before intercourse, so that you are quite excited during coitus. c. Don't delay your climax too long in order to satisfy her. Have it within a reasonable period of time for you, and then perhaps try to get another erection which you can mainly use to gratify her rather than yourself. d. Teach your partner exactly what to do to arouse you fully: to massage specific erogenous zones you may have, to stimulate your penis in a particular manner-whatever excites you most. e. Use multiple physical contact in some cases, so that while you are copulating with your partner you are also kissing her, embracing her breasts, or doing something else that is quite exciting to you. f. Learn to focus intently on sexual thoughts and images which you find notably arousing.
Problems in satisfying a female sexually
Just as you may have difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection, lasting long enough in intercourse, or coming to climax, so may your partner have her own problems. She may want to have intercourse with you but may not easily get aroused, may get aroused and enjoy intercourse but not have any orgasm, may have painful coitus, and may have one or more orgasms but not be satisfied. There may be physical and/or emotional reasons why she is relatively or absolutely frigid, and the only way that she can overcome her blockings in this regard may be through medical and psychological treatment (just as you, if you are seriously impotent, may require some psychological help). Here, however, are some ways in which you can help her be more successful sexually if she is willing to have sex but does not seem to be sufficiently enjoying it:
1. Let her know that you are not upset by her difficulties and that you do not look down upon her for her degree of frigidity. Show her that you are eager to cooperate in any possible way to help her overcome it.
2. Make sure you do everything possible to arouse her sufficiently before you attempt intercourse or before you try to give her an orgasm in noncoital ways. Find out what her erogenous zones are-by asking her if necessary-and stimulate them. Do whatever else she thinks you should do to excite her.
3. Talk to her about her sex problems and see if you can discover what her particular blocking is and how it may be overcome. Don't try to give her intensive psychotherapy, because it is most un-likely that you are equipped to do so. But if you discover that she is blocked because of being guilty about having intercourse, or something like that, you may be able to reassure her, help her overcome her guilt, and thus aid in disinhibiting her.
4. Assume that if she has orgasm difficulties she may need prolonged or special stimulation of her clitoral region, rather than merely intercourse itself, to achieve climax. Try various positions, such as entering her vagina from the rear and putting your arm around her waist to reach her genitals, which enables you to stimulate her clitoris manually while coitus is taking place.
5. Don't hesitate to give her orgasms noncoitally, or even to show her how to give herself orgasms, as a prelude to her receiving them in coital ways. Some girls have to learn what an orgasm is and how to achieve it extra-coitally before they can satisfactorily have it during intercourse.
6. Don't give up easily! Many girls, particularly virgins, take a considerable amount of time to reach full sex satisfaction. Let her know that you intend to persist until she is able to enjoy herself greatly; but that if she never does have an orgasm that will be too bad but not catastrophic. Don't make her feel that she has to have climaxes to please you; but do let her know that she will have them if you and she persist.
Lovemaking is an art
Is lovemaking a science? No, although it has many scientifically based aspects. Thus, it can be scientifically attested that most women are more easily seduced and enjoy sex to a greater extent when you are patient, when you are encouraging rather than negatively critical, when you kiss and fondle them before attempting intercourse, when you stimulate their clitoral regions adequately, and so on. These activities do not work well with all females, but with a high percentage of them; and that is as much a scientific fact as are observations that many human beings are susceptible to advertising or are strongly influenced by what they see in the movies.
An art, however, is the ability to make things; it is creativeness; it is a skill. A scientific fact, therefore, can be either artfully (skillfully) or unartfully (ineptly) applied. This particularly is true in regard to some of the facts of sex and love. Artistic sex or sex-love relations usually require several things: (a) Your skill, experience, enthusiasm, discipline, and effort; (b) your absence or minimization of inhibitions, problems, and disturbances; (c) your ability to help your partner to acquire a considerable degree of both (a) and (b).
We have already, in the course of this book, outlined most of the basic requisites that will enable you to become an artistic lover. If you persist along the lines we have been exploring, you will first begin to have a good percentage of successes with modified seduction. Particularly if you select your partners well in making dates-if you avoid those who seem to be too young, too rigid, and too disturbed-and if you show them the kind of consideration and interest that we have been espousing, you will soon begin to induce a high percentage of your dates to take their clothes off and to engage in heavy petting and intercourse. Then, after you have been succeeding at this for awhile, you will gain the experience and confidence in your lovemaking methods which will help you become a truly capable, and perhaps sought after, lover.
Once you master the art of seduction, you may find it worthwhile to abandon it in favor of maintaining relatively few ongoing sex-love relationships. For in these kind of affairs-and usually only here-do women tend to become uninhibited, completely abandoned, fully participating partners. Here uniquely does sex often have a tremendous emotional impact, including a meaningful expression of love, a marvelously shared experience. Life rarely offers enjoyable and ecstatic participation anywhere nearly comparable to good sex in an ongoing love relationship. Its beauty and wonder beggar description.
CHAPTER TEN
KEEPING A RELATIONSHIP GOING
If you have studied the material presented so far in this book, and have begun to put it into practice in your sex-love affairs, it is safe to assume that you are well on your way to becoming a qualified master of the arts of love-one who is able to get women as bed partners and who is prepared for sex in an ongoing relationship. Once such a relationship is under way, problems inevitably arise in maintaining it in a manner satisfactory to you and your partner. What are some of these problems and how can you solve them? Let us see.
Combating the "should" concept
If you go with a girl steadily or live with her in legal marriage or in a nonlegalized. union, the burden of "should" almost invariably tends to creep into your relationship. Your partner may have felt it was nice, before your union became regularized, that you wanted to see her every night-now she thinks you should. Or you feel that it was lovely that she was so kind and attentive to you when you first were going together-now she should be. Both of you tend to expect or demand what you previously thought was so sweet of the other to give voluntarily.
Watch those insidious shoulds! Practically all human beings respond positively when they feel free to give their affection and attention as they choose, and they respond negatively when they are pressured by expectations and demands from another person. If you are wise, therefore, you will recognize that the main thing that your girlfriend or wife should, do is to be herself in the way that she sees fit. It would be nice if she continually saw fit to do things with you the way that you would like to see them done. But the fact that a thing would be nice or preferable does not mean that others with whom you are associated should, ought, or must do it in this manner. Not by a long shot!
It usually will take considerable effort and self-discipline on your part to provide your mate with the freedom to be herself. But if you want the relationship between you to remain good, and the sex in this relationship to be of high caliber, then you'd better forget the should concept and let your partner be the person she is-which means, of course, a person who wants to do one thing this minute and quite another kind of thing the next. If you can solve this significant part of your mating, the other parts will tend to fall into place. If they do not, then you have probably not chosen a woman who has enough attitudes and ways that are basically consonant with your own, and you'd better honestly admit that fact and consider dissolving the relationship with her and choosing a partner who naturally matches you in many respects or can be guided to do so if you take reasonable time and effort.
Dealing with boredom
One of the major enemies of good sex-love relations in a steady affair or marriage is boredom. Monotony is one of the great liabilities of being human; it is the price we pay for much of our efficiency. One of the reasons that man has advanced civilization to its present level is his ability to free his mind by performing repetitive functions in a unthinking fashion. Thus, it requires no thought to tie your shoe laces, shave, perform most of the operations of driving your car, and do a thousand other things that you repeat virtually every day. But the very nature of man that allows you to develop these brain-freeing habits may also tend to destroy your sex and love life if you do not actively find a way to counteract monotonizing tendencies.
Good sex does not by itself beget more good sex. In many instances, good sex begets sex that is performed the same way over and over-and results in stultifying boredom and the creeping death of joyous sex. This is not always true; there are some individuals who can perform petting and intercourse in exactly the same way, day after day, for twenty or thirty years, and apparently continue to enjoy it. But these people are relatively rare; and it is probable that you and your mate are not among them.
Unfortunately, and perhaps unfairly, although women often require as much or more sexual innovation and variety to be kept maximally interested in sex, they often do not provide impetus and ingenuity to produce this variety. They typically leave it to the male to be the instigator, and they merely carp, if they do anything at all, about how deadly their sex life is becoming. Consequently, if you would maintain a lively copulatory relationship-you'd better keep in mind the virtues of variety and not rely on your mate to instigate them.
At the same time that we are reminding you about the virtues of variety, we must caution you not to overdo things in this regard. If you become obsessed with doing novel sex things or you engage compulsively in trying to perform them, you will not only tend to lose pleasure in doing these things yourself, but you will very likely turn off your sex partner in regard to them. A varietistic approach to sex that must be accomplished no longer remains novel or creative. Your partner may really not crave sexual diversity; so if you insist that she have it with you, instead of calmly trying to persuade her to have it from time to time, she may offer great resistance and you may defeat yourself and never achieve your desired goals.
If you approach varietism within a relationship in a sensible manner, here are some of the things you can try:
1. Find out what is monotonous and what would be a welcome change to you and your partner, and don't depend on statistical information in this respect. One couple's variety may be another couple's routine. See what you consider repetitive and monotonous about your relations with your mate, and then discover, by word and by deed, what she considers monotonous. Change in these respects, rather than in your entire sex-love pattern.
2. Don't hesitate to get varietistic ideas from other sources. Sex manuals may be excellent references, but novels and poems are better in many instances. The Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom may not be your cup of tea in this respect (we thought the book a crashing bore and got little of value from it); but even the most bizarre tomes can sometimes provide you with ideas which you can modify to your own tastes. Your friends, too, may have some interesting notions that will prove helpful. This, incidentally, is one of the advantages of your having a good many affairs during your lifetime: Sex information that you pick up with one girl can often be used to good effect with another; and your current partner's varietist notions, which she may have learned from her previous affairs, can prove useful in your relationship.
3. It is often not so important that you change what you do in bed as it is that you change the order and sequence in which you do it. After all, there are not too many different things that you can do sexually, unless you count the minor variations on the minor themes. But you can do the things you do perform in varied ways. Women frequently complain that when they have a steady relationship with a man they can tell you exactly how he is going to make love each time. He will kiss them on the bps about three times, then he will kiss the left nipple until it gets erect, then he will ... etc. Usually, these women feel that when sex is approached in this routine manner it is not very exciting. Strive, then, to do things differently-at least on some occasions. A degree of repetition-particularly of those caresses which the girl seems to enjoy most is valuable. But too much can be deadly!
4. There is no reason why you have to engage in sex at the same time and in the same place each time you have it. Intercourse doesn't have to be done late at night, or in bed, or with the lights out. If you start petting while you are lying on the floor watching television, and you and your mate become unusually aroused, you can make love right then and there, and not have to feel obligated to get up and go to bed. You can arrange to have sex at lunch, just before supper, at eight o'clock in the evening, or at some other "peculiar" time. You can also make love on a beach, in the open fields, on a park bench (as long as there are no cops around!), and at various other places-even when you are living with your partner and could be much more "comfortable" at home in bed.
5. Sometimes sex becomes more exciting when you and your girl act out your fantasies. If she is in the habit of thinking about other people when she has sex relations, you can encourage her to tell you what situations she is fantasizing, what the people are doing, what they are saying, and so on. You can likewise tell her your sex fantasies. You can make love together while you are telling each other your fantasies or you can tell them and later try to reenact those portions that lend themselves to acting-out. Most women, at first, will have great trouble talking over their fantasies with you, and some will never be able to do so. But with some persistence you may be able to achieve this with your partner, and both of you may find this kind of fantasy-exchange rewarding.
6. It is not always well to discuss in detail the elements of variety that you try to add to your sex life. If you have fantasies that you tell each other, or role-playing that you enjoy doing together, you will naturally have to discuss these aspects of your love life and mutually agree to do certain things. But often you will find that surprising your mate will be more exciting than giving her advance notice of what you want to do. Thus, you can tell her that you would like to go swimming with her-but actually plan, in your own mind, to have intercourse with her in the water. Or, when she calls you in to dinner, you can suddenly appear in the nude and proceed to eat that way, hoping to stimulate her sexually (although you may repel her). Surprising her in various ways, as long as you do not take these surprises to extremes that will throw her off balance and upset her, may work out very well. These methods, of course, are not normally to be used when you are first seducing a girl, but after you have had considerable sex experience with her.
7. Even though you and your partner have been together for some period of time and have regularly enjoyed intercourse, it is sometimes advisable and feasible to make a date for sexual purposes. Thus, you can arrange to go to a hotel or a motel for a given evening especially for sex purposes, even though either or both of you has a suitable apartment which you usually employ. Or you can plan a sex-filled weekend at the seashore, and go to some trouble to make all the necessary arrangements in advance, so that you will both have no duties, responsibilities, children to care for, or other things to do and can largely relax and have sex with each other.
8. You can pay special court to your girl on certain days or evenings. These can be usual occasions, such as her birthday, Valentine's Day, or New Year's Eve; or, better yet, they can be unusual occasions-such as Groundhog Day!-when she would not anticipate special attention. Anyway, select a time, either plan the day ahead with her or surprise her with no advance notice, and do the kind of things which you originally did when you were first courting her, but which lately you probably have let fall by the wayside. For example: Buy her a bunch of violets, design a funny card for her, take her to the kind of show she likes but you don't ordinarily prefer. Devote yourself to being attentive to her for that day or evening. Tell her all the things you should have told her for the past month but haven't: What she still does better than any other woman alive, how cute that curl is that won't stay put, how her smile takes your breath away, how you love the way her eyes light up when she sees you, and how glad you are that you've got her.
Keeping courtship going
Going out of your way to court your girlfriend or wife on a special day is fine. But a steady relationship requires a lot more than that. We can't reasonably expect that you will be single-mindedly devoted to her every day of the year; for you won't be, unless there is something most peculiar about you. Besides, if you were, your everyday work would probably suffer, and you'd have a hard time making a living! There are, however, many ways in which you can continue some aspects of the courtship pattern forever and a day. Here are some suggestions;
1. Don't try compulsively to adhere to a pattern of behavior that it is impractical for you to maintain. It is all very well to call your girl or your wife when you are away on short trips. But if you call her every night when you are away on long trips, your telephone bills will tend to become enormous, and you will soon be forced to stop. Explain to her, in such cases, that you would very much like to maintain the original pattern of calling, but that for the economic good of both of you, you'd better not! Even at the start of a relationship, if you set the pattern of calling a girl every night of the week when you don't see her-especially if you stay on the phone for a full hour or more of delectable conversation-she soon will find that she has little time to get the laundry done, shampoo and set her hair, pay her bills, and maintain her wardrobe, and she may become irritated with the amount of time you are consuming.
2. The art of seduction, as we have been showing throughout this book, is largely the art of inducing a girl to respond warmly to you-of your being the doer and her being the willing receiver. Consequently, we have kept advising you how to act in order to get her to respond. Actually, in order to keep a sex-love relationship going in a topnotch manner, you also have to learn how to respond well to her. If, for example, your girl or your wife displays herself to you in a flimsy nightgown or a revealing negligee, and you respond indifferently or negatively (as with, "Good God! What are you doing in that thing? It just doesn't suit you at all!"), you are not going to encourage her to keep pleasing you. If you are wise, you will go out of your way to respond positively to any and all action she may take to please or excite you. Maybe you do not need any great amount of feedback to keep sexually and amatively interested in her; but the chances are that she needs a good deal of it to keep her ardor for you from flagging. Respond! You will be doing both her and yourself a lot of good.
Keeping a woman's sex urges alive
Arousing a woman to sexual heights and inducing her to have intercourse with you in an enjoyable manner is often quite an art; but keeping her arousable over a long period of time is even more difficult. Women can easily be sexually turned off-or, more accurately, unconsciously or consciously turn themselves off-no matter how great their early responsiveness may be. Some of the main ways in which you can keep your girlfriend or your wife sexually alive are as follows:
1. As we noted above, many women have difficulty getting orgasm; and even when they do, it may be only occasional or in a mild and not very pleasurable manner. Even when you have initially brought your partner to a climax, you often have to devise methods of continuing to do so. Varietism, which we discussed earlier in this chapter, often helps in this regard. What also may help is: (a) persistence; (b) showing a great deal of love, especially at certain times; (c) talking your partner out of any remaining inhibitions she may have; and (d) looking for the special kinds of physical and mental stimuli which she seems to require.
2. Women who achieve climax without much difficulty frequently are able to have two, three, four, or more an evening. Often, these women are not really satisfied with one; and, as Masters and Johnson have shown, will only be knocked out and ready for sleep when they have had about four. If your partner seems to be in this category-which you can easily determine by a moderate amount of experimentation-make sure you try to give her the multiple orgasms that she requires for full gratification. Don't selfishly get your own orgasm or two and then turn over to go to sleep, or get up to leave her. Stay, if you humanly can, until she has her fill.
3. Many women are hung up on the idea that they should be (a) having orgasms during intercourse and
(b) having them simultaneously with you. Don't be misguided by this notion! Unfortunately, many of the old sex books, partly misled by orthodox Freudian formulations, push the idea to the hilt, and define a woman who does not have orgasm during intercourse as frigid, even if she can have several orgasms a night in noncoital ways. Balderdash! Some of the least frigid women seldom or never have a climax during penil/evaginal copulation; and some of the much less highly sexed women often or usually do. So if your partner believes that she has to reach ecstatic sex peaks during intercourse, do your best to disabuse her of this idea. Quote authoritative writings to her on this score (such as the senior author's The American Sexual Tragedy, Sex Without Guilt, and The Art and Science of Love and Masters and Johnson's Human Sexual Response); see that she speaks to people, particularly other women, who do not hold her unrealistic views; take her, if necessary, to see an enlightened marriage counselor, sexologist, or psychotherapist, who can explain to her that she is being perfectionist in her sexual demands. Similarly, if your partner believes that you absolutely, positively should have simultaneous orgasm if you are to have the "right kind" of sex relations, do your best to disabuse her of this notion, and show her how unrealistic it is.
4. Fully accept the fact that not only is the woman in whom you are most interested different from all other women in some essential ways, but she is also different from herself over a period of time. For one thing, she usually changes sexually (as well as emotionally) in the course of her menstrual cycle; so that at some points she is very highly sexed and at other points much less interested in sex relations. For another thing, she often will have moods, ailments, environmental stresses, and other influences that tend to change her sexual and nonsexual responsiveness. Give these due weight! Don't be surprised if she acts differently today than she did yesterday or a week ago. Try to help her over her bad or low moods; and, if that is impossible; bear with them until she reacts better again.
5. Don't think that you have to be masochistically devoted to a woman on a long-term basis, so that you always please and ask little or nothing for yourself. There will be many times in your relationship when you know perfectly well that she is not being satisfied in various ways, and when you also know just what to do to please her, but when you do not feel like doing so, for one reason or another. You may, for example, be overfatigued some evenings; or feel physically below par; or be greatly absorbed in your business or professional concerns; or be in a strong mood to withdraw into your own thoughts. As long as these times are not exceptionally frequent or prolonged, there is no reason why you cannot honestly let her know that tonight is not your night, and that you will do your best to satisfy her desires for sex, companionship, help with problem solving, or whatnot tomorrow or soon.
If you spoil her by letting her know that you are always available to gratify her whims, she may take advantage of your good nature, and may also lose respect for you. Assume that even if her frustration tolerance is fairly low it is not nonexistent. She can live happily without everything she wants at this moment; she doesn't need her every desire fulfilled.
At times, too, there will be something you will want from her-sex satisfaction or anything else-that she is not greatly in the mood to bestow right then; and there is nothing wrong with your persuading her to make the great sacrifice and bestow upon you this favor. If you are in general consistently kind and courteous to her, there is reason to believe that she will sometimes reward you in return, even when she does not enthusiastically feel like doing what you want. Don't arrange to have merely a one-sided give-and not-take relationship with her. If you do, you may resent her bitterly, and will very likely wind up with someone else anyway.
6. Although you may refuse your mate various things, as we have just noted, try to do so in an objective, non-nasty manner. Relationships can (and do) survive many hasty words spoken in anger. The scars left by "I hate you," "Go to hell," "You make me sick," or "You're stupid!" usually heal with time. But there are certain attitudes which, if even verbalized once, cannot easily be undone. Here are some things to avoid:
a. Don't react negatively to any display of passion. Overtures to have sex may be pleasantly rebuffed, with the idea that you just cannot very well give in to them right now, but will be glad to do so a little later. But don't indicate that the overture is ever disgusting or bad.
b. Don't react with impatience or boredom to helping a woman to climax that is long or difficult in coming. If you aren't actually happy to give her a climax (or climaxes) whenever or wherever she wants them, at least act like you are pleased!
c. Don't react negatively to menstrual blood. Many experienced women are most passionate during menstruation, particularly after the first day has passed; and if you show them that you can't stand their menstrual flow, you turn them off and discourage them generally. If your partner washes her genitals before having sex, and sometimes temporarily blocks off her menstrual flow with a diaphragm, you should get virtually none of it on your pristine body. And if you are revolted by mild contact with menstrual blood, that is your problem, and you should try to do something, perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist, about it.
7. Rarely say "No" to your partner's request for sex. Occasionally, you may really be too tired, too sick, or too something else to have any form of sex activity, for example, if you are hospitalized, have flu and fever of 102 degrees, have broken your leg within the last three days, or are actively vomiting with a case of ptomaine poisoning. But not otherwise! This does not mean that you always must be ready for intercourse; frequently you may be unable to get an erection or even to go through copulating movements for a protracted period of time. But you can still go through most kinds of noncoital acts no matter how tired or unexcited you are. Pet her manually to a climax; or, if your arm muscles refuse to function and your fingers are blistered, pet her orally. And if your tongue gets tired, don't forget you have a big toe!
There are two good reasons why you should rarely say "No" to your partner. First, over the whole span of your relationship it is likely that you will want sex more often than she will; and if you refuse her when you are not exactly in the mood, she will have many more opportunities to return your deed in (un)kind. Second, if she really has more sexual desire than you, either temporarily or on a more permanent basis, you would be acting lovingly and kindly if you deferred to her greater desire. In any love relationship, the individual who requires the most food, sleep, sex, or what you will, and who would be more hurt by lack of it, is generally favored over the less desiring member of the pair. Few things enhance, nurture, and cause love to grow and prosper as much as your unstinting and unswerving determination to satisfy your partner's sexual-emotional wants.
8. Don't think that you have to refuse to copulate with your mate just because you have little desire or interest in sex at any given time. Although you can, at such times, satisfy her in various manual or oral ways, you can also frequently use your penis successfully even when you are desireless. How? In these ways: a. Your girlfriend or wife can frequently arouse you sexually, in spite of your lack of desire. If you have already had one orgasm and don't feel like having any more, allow her to stimulate your penis with her hands, mouth, or other part of her body, and you may be surprised how often it will become erect. Moreover, an erection achieved at such times may last much longer than one that is more spontaneous, since it leaves you quite capable of copulation and yet not impelled toward having a rapid orgasm. b. If you are a healthy male, you probably will have morning erections from time to time. These arise spontaneously, and seem to be correlated with rapid-eye movement dreams. They are sometimes exciting, but sometimes they are not. Whether they are or not, you can frequently use them for copulatory purposes, assuming that your partner is sexually raring to go at that early hour. c. In many instances it is possible to introduce your limp penis into your partner's vagina and to obtain enough of an erection to copulate. After you have had a full erection and orgasm, you can frequently continue intercourse with a flaccid organ, particularly if you clasp your partner's buttocks with one hand and hold her hips firmly to your body. But even with no erection whatever you may be able to have coitus; and sometimes in the course of such coitus, you will become aroused and will actually achieve a completely erect state.
To achieve intercourse with a flaccid penis, you should first see that your girl's genital region is quite moist, either from her own natural secretions or with your saliva or with lubricants such as K-Y Jelly. Place her on her right side, but slightly more on her back than her side. Have her draw her right leg up toward her breast, while it lies flat on the bed. Get between her legs, rest on your left side and elbow, and place your waist across her right thigh, so that your hip bone is beneath and touching her leg.
By moving her left leg with your right hand, you can control the angle of opening of her legs and the angle her hips make with the bed, and the total bend of her body. With a little experimentation, you can find a position that is restful and relaxed to both of you and which puts her vaginal orifice, wide open, beneath your penis. Her left leg will be the most unrelaxed part of her, and you can support it in a variety of positions: on your shoulder, in the crook of your elbow, with your hand, or balanced in a vertical position.
By placing your left loin against the under side of her right thigh, you can so roll your penis up to her vaginal opening that by using your fingers as a "shoe horn" you can force your perfectly limp penis into her vagina. It sort of "pops" in like a grape forced into a narrow neck of a bottle. Once in, slow, careful movements will often produce enough of an erection to permit you to copulate. You can also achieve this kind of intercourse when you lie on top of your partner, or use other positions where her vaginal opening is wide and you "shoe horn" your limp penis into it. You may never get more than slightly erect during the whole
process, but this is frequently enough to be climax-producing to your partner.
FINALE
We have tried in this book to give you a good idea of how you can successfully engage in modified seduction with a woman of your choice. This means inducing her to have complete sex relations with you, even though at the beginning she is reluctant, for one reason or another, to do so. More importantly, it means persuading her with adequate psychological and physical skill, so that she ends up by wanting very much to have sex, and by enjoying it immensely with you, and so that she looks forward to having relations with you (and possibly with other males) in the future. Your goal in modified seduction, then, is honestly selfish or self-interested; but you employ a sane, long-ranging, enlightened self-interest that includes a high degree of social interest.
For what is sexually good for others, and particularly for women with whom you come in contact, will usually be good for you as well, and will generally and specifically aid your own sex-love life. The more sex knowledge you help to promulgate among your fellowmen and fellow-women, the better reverberations there will tend to be on your own enjoyments. Be, if you wish, a short-range hedonist, who is only interested in your own sex pleasure and who avoids any loving relationships; if this is your won't, you are not a criminal or a louse. But you will be selling yourself short and missing some of the greatest experiences that life can offer you. If, on the other hand, you are a long-range hedonist, who is interested in your satisfactions of today and tomorrow, and who strives for sexual and amative fulfillment for yourself and your girlfriend or wife, you will tend to reap much greater rewards. We have tried to give you the knowledge and the techniques. The choice is yours!
SUGGESTED READING
All contemporary books on psychology and sexual relationships are to be read skeptically, with allowances for the bias of their authors, since our knowledge of these fields is still slight and there is much prejudice that goes by the name of science. If, however, you read fairly widely in these fields and cover several different points of view, you may make your own useful synthesis and help yourself considerably. Here are some books which you can try.
Beigel, Hugo. Sex from A to Z. New York: Ungar, 1962. Benjamin, Harry, and Masters, R. E. L. Prostitution and morality. New York: Julian, 1964.
Berg, Louis, and Street, Robert. Sex: methods and manners. New York: McBride, 1953; New York: Macfadden, 1961.
Brown, Fred, and Kempton, Rudolf T. Sex questions and answers. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1960.
Clark, LeMon. Sex and you. Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill, 1949.
Cory, Donald Webster. The homosexual in America.
New York: Paperback Library, 1963.
Edwardes, Allen, and Masters, R. E. L. The cradle of erotica. New York: Julian, 1962.
Ehrmann, Winston W. Premarital dating behavior. New York: Holt, 1960.
Ellis, Albert. The American sexual tragedy. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1962. New York: Grove Press, 1963.
Ellis, Albert. Reason and emotion in psychotherapy. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1962.
Ellis, Albert. Sex and the single man. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1963. New York: Dell Books, 1966.
Ellis, Albert. The intelligent woman's guide to man hunting. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1963. New York: Dell Books, 1966.
Ellis, Albert. If this be sexual heresy....New York: Lyle Stuart, 1963. New York: Tower Publications, 1966.
Ellis, Albert. The case for sexual liberty. Tucson: Seymour Press, 1965.
Ellis, Albert. Homosexuality: its causes and cure. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1965.
Ellis, Albert. Sex without guilt. New York: Lyle Stuart and Grove Press, 1966.
Ellis, Albert. The art and science of love. New York: Lyle Stuart and Dell Books, 1967.
Ellis, Albert, and Abarbanel, Albert (eds.) The encyclopedia of sexual behavior. New York: Hawthorn Books, 1967.
Ellis, Albert, and Harper, Robert A. A guide to rational living. Englewood Cliffs, N. J.: Prentice-Hall, 1961. Hollywood: Wilshire Books, 1967.
Ellis, Albert, and Harper, Robert A. Creative marriage. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1961. Paperback edition, retitled The marriage bed. New York: Tower Publications, 1966.
Ellis, Albert, and Sagarin, Edward. Nymphomania: a study of the oversexed woman. New York: Gilbert Press-Julian Messner, 1964. New York: Maofadden, 1965.
Ellis, Havelock. Studies in the psychology of sex. New York: Random House, 1940.
Ford, C. S., and Beach, Frank A. Patterns of sexual behavior. New York: Harper, 1951.
Freud, Sigmund. Collected papers. New York: Colher Books, 1963.
Fromm, Erich. The art of loving. New York: Harper, 1956.
Guttmacher, Alan F., with Best, Winfield, and Jaffe, Frederick S. The complete book of birth control. New York: Ballantine, 1961.
Guyon, Rene. The ethics of sexual acts. New York: Knopf, 1934.
Guyon, Rene. A case for sexual freedom. Hollywood: France International Publications, 1963.
Hegeler, Inge, and Hegeler, Sten. An ABZ of love. New York: Medical Press, 1963.
Hirsch, Edwin W. The power to love. New York: Pyramid, 1962.
Howarth, Vyvyan. Secret techniques of erotic delight. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1967.
Kelly, G. Lombard. Sexual feeling in married men and women. New York: Permabooks, 1961.
Kinsey, Alfred C., and others. Sexual behavior in the human female. Philadelphia: Saunders, 1953. New York: Pocket Books, 1966.
Kirkendall, Lester A. Premarital intercourse and interpersonal relationships. New York: Julian, 1961.
Kronhausen, Phyllis, and Kronhausen, Eberhard. The sexually responsive woman. New York: Grove Press, 1964.
Legman, Gershon (under the pseudonym of Roger Maxe de la Glannege). Oragenitalism: an encyclopedic outline of oral technique in genital excitation. Part I: Cunnilinctus. Privately printed, 1940.
Lipton, Lawrence. The erotic revolution. Los Angeles: Sherbourne, 1965.
Masters, William H., and Johnson, Virginia E. Human sexual response. Boston: Little Brown, 1966.
Nefzawi, Mohammed al. Perfumed garden. New York: Medical Press, 1964.
Reich, Wilhelm. The sexual revolution. New York: Noonday, 1962.
Rubin, Isadore. Sexual life after sixty. New York: Basic Books, 1965.
Street, Robert. Modern sex technique. New York: Archer House, 1959.
Taylor, G. Rattray. Sex in history. New York: Ballantine, 1962.
Vatsyayana. The kama sutra. New York: Medical Press, 1964.
Young, Wayland. Eros denied. New York: Grove Press, 1964.
Albert Ellis was born in Pittsburgh and grew up in New York City. He holds a bachelor's degree from the City College of New York; and M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University. He has taught at Rutgers University and New York University; has been Chief Psychologist of the New Jersey State Diagnostic Center and later Chief Psychologist of the New Jersey Department of Institutions and Agencies; was a Consultant in Clinical Psychology to the Veterans Administration; is Executive Director of the Institute for Rational Living, Inc.; and for the last twenty-five years has been in the private practice of psychotherapy and marriage and family counseling in New York City.
Dr. Ellis is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, and has been President of its Division of Consulting Psychology and a Member of its Council of Representatives. He is a Fellow (and past President) of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex; and a Fellow of the American Association of Marriage Counselors, the American Orthopsychiatric Association, the American Sociological Association, the American Association for Applied Anthropology, and the American Association for the Advancement of Science. He has been Vice-President of the American Academy of Psychotherapists; Chairman of the Marriage Counseling Section of the National Council on Family Relations; and a member of the Executive Committee of the American Association of Marriage Counselors, Psychologists in Private Practice, Psychologists Interested in the Advancement of Psychotherapy, and the New York Society of Clinical Psychologists. He has served as Associate Editor of the Journal of Marriage and the Family, the International Journal of Sexology, Existential Psychiatry, the Journal of Sex Research, Rational Living, and Voices: The Art and Science of Psychotherapy.
Dr. Ellis has published over two hundred and fifty papers in psychological, psychiatric, and sociological journals, periodicals, and anthologies. He has authored or edited twenty-six books and monographs, including THE FOLKLORE OF SEX, THE AMERICAN SEXUAL TRAGEDY, SEX WITHOUT GUILT, HOW TO LIVE WITH A NEUROTIC, THE ART AND SCIENCE OF LOVE, THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, CREATIVE MARRIAGE, A GUIDE TO RATIONAL LIVING, REASON AND EMOTION IN PSYCHO/THERAPY, SEX AND THE SINGLE MAN, THE INTELLIGENT WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MAN-HUNTING, THE CASE FOR SEXUAL LIBERTY, HOMOSEXUALITY: ITS CAUSES AND CURE, and HOW TO PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A NEUROTIC ADULT.
Roger Conway is a pseudonym for a marriage counselor in a small conservative southern town. He is the father of two dating and as yet unmarried children, for whom parts of this book were originally written, and thinks it wise to preserve his anonymity because, in the area of cross-burning zealots in which he resides and works, the members of his family might suffer if his authorship of a book with liberal sex views became known. He has devoted himself to various kinds of teaching, on an individual and group basis, in the past, and is now interested in spreading the tenets of rational-emotive counseling and psychotherapy, which he has used to his great personal advantage, to a wide audience. He is working on a sequel to the present book and hopes, through reader reaction to this volume, to get some material for the sequel. So any readers of THE ART OF EROTIC SEDUCTION who have salient comments and suggestions to make are welcome to send them to Roger O. Conway, the Institute for Rational Living, Inc., 45 East 65 Street, New York, N.Y. 10021.
