"I don't remember the first time that Don asked me to let him, well, put his penis in my asshole and finish his orgasm that way, but it was within six months after we were married. But I held off for almost ten years, even though I knew that it was driving him farther and farther away. I knew he was going to cheap girls-bar girls and whores-but I couldn't do anything about it. I just couldn't let him put his cock in my asshole. "I don't really know why I felt like I did about it, but to me, it was perverted-unnatural and dirty. If I had let him, it would have made me no better than a damned dog that holds still while another male dog does it to him in the ass. And besides, I gave Don everything else in the world that he would want, sexually and in all ways. I was a good mother, a good housekeeper, and, yes-a good bed partner.
"When he was drunk was when it was the worst. He always wanted two things when he had too much to drink: to be sucked off, and then to have me allow him to ass-screw me! I went for the sucking part-I never minded that. We often liked to mutually suck each other off- you know, the 'sixty-nine' position. It was always okay as long as he wasn't half loaded.
"When he would try to shove it up my bung-hole, I would fight or I'd run into the bathroom and lock the door. It's a wonder he didn't try to break it down sometimes, but he was usually too drunk. He'd just stand outside the door and call me filthy names until he got tired, and the next thing I knew, I'd hear him snoring. I'd sleep on the couch in the living room and the next morning he'd be all right. He usually apologized for being 'an animal,' and he'd promise not to try it again-but he always did, sooner or later.
"Finally, I got drunk one night-which is unusual for me. He gave a birthday party for me, and I had so much fun that I didn't realize how much I had poured down. After the guests left, Don had to put me to bed. I was vaguely conscious of him taking all my clothes off, but I was too zonked to really care what he was doing. For some reason-maybe on purpose-he had played host that night, and he didn't have much to drink, so when he put me into bed, he was in good shape while I was like a limp dish-rag.
"I was asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I remember waking up enough to realize that Don was licking my asshole and sticking his tongue up inside it as far as he could reach. It wasn't doing anything for me, and I just passed out cold. I must have only been out for a few minutes, because when I came to again, Don's weight was making it hard for me to breathe. Then, as I cleared my head some, I realized that he had shoved his cock way up inside my asshole, and he was pumping away and groaning with pleasure. I don't know what I was thinking. It hurt a lot, yet it awakened some sort of sex desire in me. But I was too groggy to really feel anything. I passed out again when he shot his load up my ass, and I don't know how many times he had me that way.
"Next morning, my asshole was sore and my whole bottom ached. But more important, I was so mad at Don that I decided I was going to leave him. I sat down in the kitchen and wouldn't make his breakfast, and I told him I wanted to talk about it, right then.
"I told him I thought he was sick-a sex pervert-any man that would want to go around asshole-screwing like a damned dog had to be a mental case. Don tried to apologize, and said he had been drunk, but I kept pouring it on. I also raked him over the coals for taking advantage of my being drunk, when he knew damned well that I had always hated the thought of anal intercourse.
"Then he began to cry. Not the 'contrite husband' bit, but real, deep down crying, as if his heart would break. I sensed, somehow, that I had better back off, or my marriage really might end right then and there. I cooled off and went over and put my hands on his shoulders, feeling his whole body shake with the deep sobs that were racking it. I rumpled his hair and said, 'Let's forget it, Don. We were both pretty loaded last night. Shall we?' "He kept sobbing, and he shook his head and managed to say, 'I can't. I just can't. I need help-not from you-from a doctor or a head-shrinker!' "I almost fainted with shock. Don was one of those men who felt that anything goes in a private bedroom, and moreover, he thought that anyone who sought help from a psychiatrist was an utter, contemptible weakling! And here he was, saying he needed the help of a psychiatrist. I felt terrible. I must have laid it on way too thick-blown the whole thing far out of proportion, if I had made a sobbing weakling out of my roughneck husband, Don.
"I felt ashamed. Thinking back on what I had heard other women say about having that done to them, it couldn't be all that bad. I was making too big an issue of it. Our sex life was good, and I was putting it on the line just because of a prudish idea.
"I put my arms around Don and lifted his head, but he wouldn't look me in the eyes. I coaxed, 'Come on, let's forget it, honey. We'll work it out. I've been a bastard about it, but I'll try-honest I will. If it's important to you, it is to me, too. Now-let's forget it. I'll fix some bacon and eggs.' "I started to get the things, but he put out a hand and held onto my wrist. 'No, we've got to face it now. I have to tell you why I want it that way, or I'll really go nuts.' He was so serious that I was a little scared and I sat down across the breakfast table from him. He had put on some coffee and we both had cups of half-cold coffee in front of us. I got up and poured some hotter coffee in each cup, then sat down again. I could see that Don was struggling. He didn't look at me, and he fiddled with his coffee cup. He had stopped crying, but his face looked bleak. Finally he said, 'Norma, I-I think I'm a homosexual!' "I gasped, but I couldn't say anything about it. It had numbed my thinking processes.
" 'I have to talk about it. I just have to get it out of my system, and I don't think I can go to a headshrinker,' he said. I could see that he now had control of himself, and I fought back my own mounting fear and, I admit, disgust, and sipped at my coffee, letting him make his own way through the jungle of seething thoughts.
"Don said, looking straight at me, 'When I was in the Army, in Korea, I did that to a lot of guys-and-' I knew what he was going to say, and I hated to hear it. '-and I let a couple of guys do it to me!' "It was out in the daylight! I was married to a queer! That's all I could think about. I felt sorry-not for Don, but for myself. Married to a homosexual! Next, he would be telling me that he had sucked cocks and had other men suck his! I was bewildered and scared. Ten years of marriage down the drain!"
Anal intercourse is as old as history, and has always been associated with homosexuality in males. It has been recorded in all races and at all times in history, under such names as pederasty, cornholing (the gutter term), and, of course, the Biblical version, sodomy. The Biblical term comes from the name of one of the two wickedest and most perverted cities in recorded history: Sodom and Gomorrah, destroyed by consuming fire when Yahweh became utterly displeased with the sexual perversions that had become a way of life in those cities.
Sodomy, of course, means simply the insertion of the male penis into the anus of another person, and that person can be either male or female. When this sexual aberration involes a human male inserting his penis into the anus of an animal, it is usually referred to as bestiality, although bestiality can involve a male entering the vagina of the an animal, or a male animal having intercourse with a female.
From serious studies that have been made on the subject of homosexuality in the past few decades, we have learned that male homosexuals engage in anal intercourse almost as frequently as they engage in oral-genital sex. The mouth and the anus are the two logical entry points for the male penis in sex relations with another male, and therefore anal and, to a lesser degree, oral sex have become more commonly associated with male homosexuality than with heterosexual partners.
However, casebooks of marriage counselors and psychiatrists reveal that a startlingly large number of males who are not homosexuals, per se, do like to engage in anal intercourse with females. In many instances, prostitutes tell of married men who come to them for sex, and they invariably want oral sex and/or anal intercourse. The reason: either their wives are too prudish to engage in either of these forms of sex, or the men are too worshipful of them, placing them on a pedestal of perfection, and so they haven't the nerve to request such intercourse from their wives.
However, there are a great number of couples who indulge in anal intercourse, and for a variety of reasons. Several women have admitted to their doctors that during menstruation they usually bring their husbands to climax orally (fellatio) or they allow the husband to engage in anal intercourse. But it is not this occasional indulgence that intrigues scientists and psychiatrists, because it is engendered by expediency.
When a male prefers constant anal intercourse, substituting it for all other forms, it is a different story. The act then becomes one of perversion, not diversion, and the marriage is almost always in danger of breakup. It takes a very understanding woman to cope with a husband who desires anal intercourse, simply because it is an unsatisfactory sex experience for most women, if not a downright painful one.
But the worst damage that results from unde-sired anal intercourse is the mental scars-the "guilt" feelings that build in many minds.
Part of this, of course, is based on religious teachings. The Apostle Paul, writing to the citizens of Corinth, points out that they had almost completely forsaken normal man-woman relations in sex and had turned to all sorts of perversions involving oral-genital sex, homosexuality, bestiality, and, of course, sodomy.
In this book, we shall attempt to explore some of the reasons why couples engage in anal intercourse to an abnormal degree. We hope that it will throw more light on this rather common sex practice, which is little understood or discussed, or studied scientifically.
It might be fair to state that in almost all cases, anal intercourse is engaged in because of fear, either on the part of the husband or the wife. We shall continue with the case of Norma and Don, who appeared in the opening passages, for he is an excellent example of a man who has succumbed to the latent homosexuality that is present in each of us, and whose fear of becoming an overt homosexual led him to repeated attempts to sodomize his wife, which ultimately almost ended his marriage.
Norma's account of her husband's strange and fearful behavior is continued in the first chapter.
CHAPTER ONE
THE HOMOSEXUAL SYNDROME "I just sat there at the table, staring at Don. He still didn't look at me, but I could tell by his fidgeting that he wanted to talk more about it. My Don, a homosexual! I couldn't think of anything else. I wasn't even being rational, because I knew that since we had been married, there couldn't have been any homosexual activities on his part. We were just too much together, in everything we did. He was a sports fan, loved hunting, fishing, camping-and I was always with him. He was a real 'man's man,' in every sense of the word. Now, the term tasted bitter in my mouth, thinking of him letting another man put his prick in Don's asshole, and ass-fucking him. I felt as if Don had just confessed that he had been having sex with another woman-a cheap whore-yet there was more to it than that. I know that I was being selfish, but at the moment, I was too stunned to think straight.
"I managed to grind out, 'You mean... you... you're a homosexual? You prefer sex with men instead of with me?' "Don raised his head and pleaded with me with his eyes to understand and to help. 'No!' he exploded, 'I'm not a queer! I'm not at home. It was different in Korea. There weren't any women around!' " 'But, you could let a man put his cock up inside your asshole and screw you until he came?' I couldn't even imagine such a nightmarish thing happening.
"Don said sincerely, 'Not that it excuses it, but I was pretty drunk both times it happened. I... I can't excuse myself that easy when I let guys suck me off, or when I... I screwed themin the ass. It happened, that's all. It happened to a lot of guys, but I swear to God, Norma, I've never even thought about sex with a man since we've been married-nor with another woman, for that matter. I swear it to you!' "I believed him and suddenly, I pitied him in an odd way. He had had this hangup for all the years of our marriage and I had been adding to his torment by refusing to allow him to have me that way. True, I had sucked his cock, but looking back, I was positive that I had never done it alone-I mean, we had always done it to each other at the same time. Somehow, in my muddled mind, that seemed important right then. I guess I was grasping at any straw that would disprove his being a homosexual.
"Don looked so forlorn. I wanted to suggest that we talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist, but I just didn't want to set up any barriers between as now-we were already too close to the breaking point, and he had always scoffed at head-shrinkers.
"I began to look at it from my point of view. I asked myself questions. Had it really been so bad? Had it hurt me? Did I feel dirty, ashamed, or abused? I really had to answer no to all of them, but it bothered me that I had been drunk, because I wouldn't have reacted the same if I'd been sober.
" 'Let's try it when we're both sober, Don. If it is good for both of us, then we'll just keep doing it from time to time.' It was a fair offer, I thought. Don raised his head and looked surprised. 'You mean it, Norma?' he asked. I nodded.
"Then a cloud came over his face and he hung his head again, like a whipped schoolboy. I sighed and asked, 'Now what's the matter?' "He looked up at me and asked, 'But what if... if I want it that way all the time?' "I decided to face the truth. I said, 'Then there's something definitely haywire. You'll have to go to a... a doctor... a psychiatrist.' "Don frowned over this, and looked thoughtfully at me. 'I suppose you're right,' he conceded, 'although I doubt if that would help. I wouldn't be able to talk about anything like that to anyone-except you. Not to any strangers. I'm positive.' "I said, 'Then let's start to work it out, right now.' "Don looked stunned. 'Now? In the morning?' he asked.
" 'Now, while we've got the door open. We've kept this thing covered much too long. If we don't resolve it pretty soon, we're going to find ourselves looking for other bed partners.' "He thought about that for a moment. I knew that after a big drinking session, Don was always horny the next morning-every time he had a hangover-if it happened to be on a Saturday or Sunday morning, when he could take the time to play around, and this was Sunday.
"He began to smile, and I think I knew in my heart that we were going to be able to lick our problem. I know I felt I could take any original pain from anal intercourse, knowing it might mean the salvaging of my marriage. I headed upstairs and into the shower, and Don came up soon after that. We often liked to shower together, and we usually played around with each other, so that by the time we were dried off, we were ready for some real sex. Don stepped into the shower and began to rub my naked body with soap. As it always did, his touch on my intimate parts brought me to a peak of desire. My nipples distended and got hard, and I could feel the warm juices begin to flow inside my pussy.
"Don's prick began to get hard as soon as he soaped in between the cracks of my ass, touching my asshole, but not penetrating it with his finger. All the hurt that he had left there last light seemed to float away down the drain with the soapsuds. I began to glow with passion- with desire to have Don do anything he wanted to do. I backed up to him, so that his slippery, soapy cock slid in between the crack of my ass. The head of it was poised at my asshole, and I backed up slowly, until he was against the shower wall, and could go no further. He had grasped my hips and now he began to push slowly, letting his cock inch into my brown hole, until, finally, it was sliding in and out smoothly. He took his hands off my hips and ran them around my body, clutching both my breasts in either hand, playing with the hard nipples, massaging the soft, warm flesh until our whole beings seemed to be blending into one.
"I didn't feel any pain-only gladness, as I could sense how passionately fulfilled Don was. I took one of his hands off my breast and put it down by my cunt. He knew what I wanted, and he began to use his finger to massage my clitoris. I was thrilled and startled by the completeness of our contact: his fingers kneading my breast, his other hand masturbating me wonderfully, and his hard, throbbing prick driving deep into my asshole! I was actually enjoying sex in a way that I'd never done before! I almost wanted to curse myself for having been a fool all those years, and depriving Don of the joys that anal sex brought to him, too.
"I moved my hips to meet his lunging cock as I felt it begin to speed up and plunge deeper into my bum-hole! Don matched my lunges backward with the rhythm of his finger on my clit, and as I felt his hot semen squirting into my asshole, deep and ooozy, I exploded in orgasm from his masturbating me!
"He pulled his cock out quickly and turned me around and began to kiss me, water dripping down our faces and bodies. We felt each other's organs, dug our nails into each other's backs, tongue-kissed and writhed, until he finally reached down and inserted his stiff prick into my cunt, and began to drive it in, hard and fast. We both came within a minute, and when we did, we just stood there holding each other, laughing like a couple of kids who had put over a fast one on their parents.
"There was adoration, almost worship, in Don's eyes as he dried me off. There was no need for words-it had been too perfect to spoil with silly words, and we both still glowed inside and out from the experience. "I was so fulfilled and happy that I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep again, and that's just what we both did. We slept like babies, until after noon, and when I awoke and felt Don's limp hand on my breast, I just couldn't resist the temptation-I crawled down and took his soft cock in my mouth, sucking and licking it, feeling it grow harder and harder, until I knew he was awake. He lifted up on his elbows and looked down at his cock being gobbled hungrily by me, and I saw that adoration again.
"I took his balls in one hand and gently massaged them, letting his cock slip deep into my throat, sucking it gently until I could tell by the quickening throbs that Don was going to come. When I felt his juices squirt into my mouth, I almost came again; I felt so needed, so wanted, so capable of giving my man any kind of loving!
"I swallowed it all, then licked the last drops from his prick-head, and then I just lay there, my head on his softening cock, my hand clinging to his strong legs, feeling that we had just climbed a steep mountain, and the view from the peak was glorious!
"I was in a fool's paradise, but of course, couldn't know that then. It was another six months before I found that I was sharing Do with another sex partner-and that that sex partner was a man!
"I thought that everything was going along fine. When Don wanted to have anal intercourse we used vaseline, or else we repeated the soap shower bit, and it no longer hurt me to take his cock up inside my asshole. In fact, I had never been happier in my married life than I was at that time. Oddly, when Don could have me this way, and I would suck him off without the 'sixty-nine' position, he stopped drinking so heavily. When we'd go out, he'd have just enough to loosen him up, and he could be charming when he was in a happy, glowing mood. Then when we went home to bed, he was extra passionate.
"The roof fell in one night when we had a party at our house. Everybody had dates, but all of them weren't married. Two of the fellows that worked with Don were bachelors, but we had arranged dates for them, and for another older lady friend of mine, so that we were all paired off. We danced, told dirty jokes, kidded and had a lot of fun-for a couple of hours. I noticed that Don was getting very drunk, and that he was ignoring most of the guests, standing out in the patio, with his arm over Doug's shoulder-Doug is one of the young bachelors-smiling and waving his drink crazily.
"The next thing I knew, they were gone. I didn't think much of it until a half-hour went by, and then I walked out to find them. I wish to God I hadn't!
"They were out in the garage, where Don had a workshop. He had put a refrigerator in, and kept cold beer there, and he'd disappear for hours sometimes, puttering around with his hobby-building cabinets, end tables, knickknack shelves, things like that.
"I saw that the light was on, and I went in through the side door. I can't tell you the feeling of utter disgust that swept over me like a giant wave when I saw Don and Doug. Don was down on his knees. Doug had his pants down around his ankles, but not off, and he was holding the back of Don's head with both hands, while Don was sucking Doug's cock! As if that weren't bad enough, he was moaning and groaning with the pleasure, as Doug's big, hard prick went in and out of his mouth, deep enough so that Don's lips were almost touching Doug's pubic hair at the culmination of every lunge of Doug's prick into his throat.
"They didn't see me as I stepped in. I froze, and I felt numb, as I just watched them. I had come in just as Doug was about to come in Don's mouth. His movements were speeding up and Don was gulping in his cock as if he had never enjoyed anything so much in his life! As I saw Doug's ass and hips begin to jerk rapidly back and forth, and saw the look on his face and the way he pulled Don's face closer so his cock would go even deeper, I watched Don's swallowing motions. His eyes were closed. He clutched Doug's ass tightly, and he was moaning in a low, animallike way. When Doug stopped jerking, Don opened his eyes and carefully licked off every drop of his own spittle, mixed with droplets of the white, milky jism from Doug's cock.
"I guess it was the look of serenity and satisfaction on Don's face that threw me even more than the fact that he was a cocksucker-a queer-a fag! I'm not a dumbbell. I read a lot of psychology, and I know about the imbalance in some persons that causes them to be homosexuals, lesbians, and even bisexuals-which is what Don was, beyond a doubt. But I had never seen that look on his face-that glow in his eyes-when he was having sex with me, in any form!
"Then Doug spotted me, and the look of triumph on his face snapped me out of my shock and into a rage! I guess it's natural to try to excuse someone you love and to blame the other party involved, but all I could think of at the moment was what a filthy sonofabitch Doug was! I screamed at him, 'You rotten fag! Aren't there enough queers walking the streets and hanging around in fag bars? You have to pick on a married man? You filthy bastard! Get your cock back in your pants or, so help me God, I'll take a fucking bread knife and cut it off, you lousy, no-good cocksucker!' "When I said that word-cocksucker-I suddenly remembered that Don was one, also. Don was still on his knees, looking dumbly over at me as if he couldn't even move or talk.
"Doug looked down at him with contempt, then back at me as he pulled up his pants and zipped his zipper and fastened his belt. Then the bastard had the guts to say to me, 'Don't get so high and mighty, lady. If you were giving him what he needed, he wouldn't want what I've got-so don't blow off your filthy mouth to me!' "I sputtered, I was so mad. The words wouldn't come. I grabbed a hammer that was hanging on two nails in the wall, and threw it! Doug ducked away and laughed a nasty laugh when he rushed by me and out the door! I just stood there, trembling, the tears of frustration coming, and I looked at my husband. He was a pitiful sight. His eyes were hazed with bewilderment and drink, and his mouth sagged open in awe at my towering rage. Then I began to bawl. I just leaned against the wall, my head on my arm, and I let it all go.
"Don got up and left, without touching me or saying a word. I heard his staggering footsteps, and then I heard him slam the back door of the house. Pretty soon, I heard the cars start up and drive away. I don't know how long it took me to cry myself out, but when I went into the house, the tears were all over. I think that maybe I cried away all the love I ever had for Don in that half hour or so. I felt cold, lifeless, dead inside.
"I know now that it was my ego that had been destroyed, not my love. I felt that I wasn't a woman at all. I felt like a nothing-a big, fat zero! All I could think of was that there wasn't enough sexual attractiveness, enough woman in me to keep my husband from running to a cock-sucker, begging to be cornholed and face-fucked!
"Don was in the bathroom. I could hear the shower running. I wandered around, nervously trying to think what I could say to him, if I had the courage to even face him again. I finally came to a decision. I went into the closet and got out two suitcases and began to pack Don's clothes, enough to get him by until he could come back and clear out everything. I couldn't live with a queer! I could never again take his cock in my mouth, or inside my body, and especially-never let him put it up my ass. I'd been kidding myself for a long time-years, and now it all added up to one thing: Don was queer, and I was still a woman, one who needed love and sex and all the things that I could never share with another woman, much less a bastard of a fag like Doug, or any other queer.
"Don walked in and stood there staring at me. He had sobered up a lot, but the second he saw me, he reddened and acted like a whipped mongrel.
"He managed to stammer, 'What are you doing?' I just glared at him, wanting him to see all the contempt I was feeling.
"I said, 'I'm packing. I want you out of here-tonight!' "I could almost see him shrivel. He whined, 'Norma, honey... listen... please... I was drunk... "I snapped, 'Yes, and you always used that as an excuse when you tried to cornhole me, too! What difference does it make to a fag? Drunk, sober, in-between-a queer is still a queer. I hope you and your cock-sucking friends will be happy together. All I want is you out of my sight, you rotten cocksucker!' "It was pretty raw language for me, but I felt raw inside. I felt as if someone had spread my naked womanhood in the gutter and pissed on it. I wanted to hurt him-to cut him up inside.
"He walked toward me, a towel wrapped around his waist. It gaped open at the front, and I could see his limp prick hanging out, swaying a little as he walked toward me and it made me feel as if I would throw up. When he stopped in front of me and reached out to try to touch my shoulder, I swung as hard as I could. My slap caught him across the mouth and brought on blood, and it made me feel good.
"I screamed, 'Get out, you fucking fag!' and I stormed out of the room. I got the car out of the driveway and drove-I don't even remember where-but I drove for almost two hours before I calmed down and came to my senses. I drove home, and the house was dark. The suitcases were gone, and so was Don. In spite of the disgust that still boiled inside me, I cried myself to sleep-not because I missed Don, but because I'd been made a fool of. I had finally given in to his demands for anal intercourse, and then I'd found that I was playing second fiddle to a fag-maybe to several of them! I felt dirty, degraded and used, and I didn't feel too much different about it in the morning.
"I called up my old boss. I still worked for him when one of the girls was out sick-I'm a secretary-or when a girl was on vacation or something like that, and he told me that I could come back to work, but that he thought I should wait a few days and get hold of myself. I didn't tell him the whole story--just that Don had moved out and I needed a job.
"But Don surprised me. I got a phone call from a Dr. W-, a psychiatrist. He asked me if I would be willing to talk with him! Me! It wasn't me that needed a headshrinker, it was my husband, Don! I told him just that, and he replied that Don was in his office at that time, and had requested the call. Dr. W-wanted to talk to both of us together, before he began psychotherapy with Don!
"I couldn't figure it out. I resented it at first, but then I began to reason a bit. If he was willing to go to a psychiatrist, the way he felt about them, I felt I should at least cooperate. It might give Don a chance-not with me, I was positive-but perhaps with another woman.
"I called W-and told him I would talk to him alone, but not with Don present, and he agreed. I went to his office the next morning, and was I in for a surprise! It was me that the doctor wanted to talk to-about my reactions to the scene between Don and Doug. Doug had told him all about it, but had insisted that he loved me, only me, and that it was only when he had too much to drink that he succumbed to the homosexuality that was inside him.
"I talked a long time with W-. He said that it was obvious that my Don was a bisexual, but that, from the preliminary talks he had had with Don, he was certain that Don was sincere in his profession of love for me and for heterosexual relations. He ended up by asking me if I were willing to take Don back on trial-on the condition that Don quit drinking!
"I hadn't really thought much of Don's whin- ing about being drunk when he felt he had to cornhole someone-almost anyone, male or female, it had seemed to me. But the psychiatrist seemed to think that, with my help, Don could suppress and eventually eliminate almost all his homosexual desires.
"I made a clean breast of it to him about me allowing Don to have anal intercourse with me, in the morning, when we were both cold sober. Instead of discouraging him, it seemed to make Dr. W- all the more confident that if I could accept occasional anal intercourse it would completely satisfy the latent homosexuality that was still buried in Don-it is in all of us, for that matter. I told the doctor that I'd have to have time to do some thinking-some real soul-searching. I was honest with him and I tried to be honest with myself. I didn't know if I could ever again care for Don, much less love him or have intercourse of any kind with him.
"He asked me to let him know in a week, and I said I would have my answer then. I went to work the following Monday, and the very first day on the job, my old boss asked me for a date! It made me angry, in a way. It was as if a separation or divorce was a red flag to all the wolves in the world! Come on, baby-I know you're all broken in and used to fucking, so why deprive yourself and me of all that fun! Of course, Ed didn't use those words, but that was the general idea. I could tell by the way he eyed me up and down, and the way he put his arm around me and kissed me when I walked into his private office.
"I was still in a muddle about whether to try Dr. W-'s experiment with Don. It was myself that I was unsure of. I didn't know if I could control myself, or keep from spitting in Don's face, or throwing up if he touched me physically. But I didn't want any 'one-night stands'-I was sure of that. I didn't want to have to buy my way into a job by dating my boss! I'd been away from it a while, but I was still a good secretary and more-I was still married. I wasn't hot-assed for sex, the way most men think all divorcees, widows or women who are separated are. But Ed acted as if I was expected to peddle my ass to him, in gratitude for him giving me my old job back!
"So, I lasted three days. Ed became nasty when I would only have lunch with him. I didn't want an evening date. I knew it would end up in a scene when he wanted to take me home and bed me. On Wednesday night, he asked me to a show and dinner, and when I refused, he simply said, 'Norma, I don't think you're going to work out on the job. I'll have your check ready in the morning.' So that was that.
"I had another talk with Dr. W-Thursday morning, and he assured me that Don was really making an effort to get rid of his anal hangup. So I told the doctor that I would try again. The four days and nights alone had given me time to think things out, and I decided that it was too lonely without Don. I knew that I really did love him, deep down inside me, and that life for me would be a bitter, lonely experience if I didn't at least give Don a chance. My ex-boss had also given me a preview of what it would be like to be alone, and I didn't like the prospect.
"Don moved back in on Saturday, and it was terribly awkward for both of us. We were like strangers, and we were both on the defensive, ready to pounce back into a fight if the other indicated he couldn't take the tension.
"Don finally took my hand and said, 'Norma, I've been terribly wrong. You'll never know how this thing has been eating at me all the years. Let's spend the weekend somewhere else--just talking this out. All I ask is that you believe that I do love you. If you can believe that, I can make it. We can rebuild our marriage.' "He sounded so forlorn and so lonely that I kissed him on the cheek and said it sounded like a sensible idea. We packed a few things and drove down to a motel a few miles down the coast. We were on the beach, and we swam and just had fun for the rest of the day. We had a nice dinner, a few dances and drinks, and then we went to our room.
"I knew that if we flunked out this time, we'd never make it again, and I wanted to show Don that I was woman enough to take care of his every need, in bed or out. I stripped naked, and I could feel his hungry eyes on me as I did. He quickly undressed and climbed into the big king-size bed. We didn't pull any covers over us, and for a moment or two, Don just lay there, looking at my body from head to toe. He said, 'You're a beautiful woman, Norma. You have the most lovely body in the world.' Then he began to kiss my body. He began at my instep, moving his lips up my leg, inside my thigh, brushing my pussy lips lightly as he worked his way up to my navel, my breast, neck, eyes, hair, and then back down the other side. His mouth on my body was telling me that he loved every inch of me-that he wanted every bit of me, as a woman. In fact, he kept mumbling, 'I love you, all of you, every bit of you, inside and out.' "He made my whole body glow with his demanding mouth, and when he got down between my legs and began to kiss my cunt, sticking his tongue in and massaging my clit, then sucking huge mouthfuls of the soft inner flesh into his mouth, I had an orgasm inside a minute!
"As I felt that hot glow of orgasm spreading joy to every part of me, it was as if Don had washed away-or sucked out-all the bitterness and hatred that I had felt for him. We were beginning fresh, and this time, we would make it, I just knew we would.
"I pushed him away, and I began to kiss his body-suck his nipples, tickle his navel with my tongue, lick his balls and the head of his already stiff cock. I couldn't wait to get it in my mouth, to return the love that was building inside me, higher and higher. He was shuddering with joy when I finally began to suck his cock hard and fast, drawing it deep into my mouth, loving the feel of it throbbing as he reacted to my lovemaking.
"When he was ready to come, he tried to pull out-I know he was suffering from thinking about Doug, and the scene that I had witnessed-but I shook my head and pushed him back down on his back, refusing to let his cock leave my mouth.
"He relaxed then, and inside a few seconds, I felt his come flooding my mouth. I was more sure than ever that I was woman enough and in love enough to bring our marriage back to the wonderful promise that it had held when we first became engaged.
"I kept on drawing his cock deep into my throat, draining him of every drop, never letting his cock go soft again. When it was good and hard, and I could feel it begin to throb and jump as I played my tongue over the head of it, I moved away quickly and rolled over. I got on my hands and knees, and I said, 'Anything you want, Don-any way at all. Just hurry!' "Don stared at me, trying to see my eyes, to see if I were sincere. He sat up and looked down at my ass. With my legs spread wide, he could see the lips of my cunt and my asshole-almost as if I were giving him a choice. I had already sucked him off, and now I offered my cunt and my asshole. I was willing to go all out to try to right our marriage-to help Don straighten out his hangups and rid himself of his urges to have sex with men.
"I don't pretend to be a psychologist, but I had listened carefully to what Dr. W-had told me about the homosexual desires in all of us, and I believed that Don's choice would give the answer. I guess I was praying a little bit as I knelt on my hands and knees, offering him my complete body sexually.
"Don reached out and took my chin in his hand. He looked straight into my eyes, and he said, 'I love you, Norma. I want you-that way, too.' He let his eyes rove to my rounded ass for a second. 'But if I ever do have anal intercourse again, I want it to be just as a... a change- something different once in awhile. Right now-' He smiled for the first time. '-I want my wife in the good old-fashioned position.' "My heart jumped with joy. I flopped down and rolled over on my back, and spread my legs I wide, letting Don's eyes feast on my wet, open hungry cunt! I could see the lust come back into his eyes as he looked at me, and then he crawled on top of me, his cock in his hand, I was trembling with desire and happiness. He put the head of it in a little way, then he kissed my mouth tenderly. 'I do love you, Norma-every way a man can love. I'll keep loving you this way, forever.' "When he plunged his tongue deep into my waiting mouth, he lunged deep inside my cunt with his cock. I was so wet that it slid in easily, and I gasped from the thrill of it. There is a strange chemistry in people that tells you when something like sex is real, and I hadn't felt it for a long time, in my body or coming from Don's-but I could feel it now. It was like electricity running all through my body and making it tingle.
"We began to set up a rhythm as our bodies joined as closely as it is possible for a man and woman to be. Don kept kissing me, and I returned his kisses, running my fingernails up and down his back, digging in ever so lightly, feeling him respond with a shuddering movement.
"Don slid his hands underneath my ass and began to raise my body up to meet his ever deepening lunges, and he began to shove one finger up inside my asshole, moving it around, adding even more excitement to the intercourse. I think it was the best we both had come in many years, and when it was over we just laid there, wrapped in each other's arms and hearts, and I knew that it was going to be all right.
"We showered, and played around in the bathroom, then we went back to bed. Twice more-the straight, regular way-we screwed, and it was like a whole new world. It was as if we were two different people having sex for the first time. It was like on a honeymoon. It was a glorious weekend, filled with love. We even found a secluded place on the beach, far from the few that were there by the motel area, behind some big rocks-and we made love there on the sand, with the hot sun making our passions even warmer.
"Don was like a young man again, and I felt like a teenager on a date with my first love. And that night, I was so lightheaded with happiness, I asked Don to have anal intercourse with me. At first, he didn't want to. He thought that I was just willing to 'endure it' to show that our marriage had been cemented, but I told him that I wanted him to do it that way-with all the lights on. I told him that I wanted him to see my body while he was shoving his cock up my ass. I wanted him to be kneading and pinching my breasts, see my long hair hanging down over my shoulders. In other words, I wanted Don to be aware that I was a woman, and that as a woman who loved him, I had far more to offer sexually than any man possibly could.
"I was surprised at how easily the words came, and at the new respect and admiration I could see in Don's eyes when he looked and lis- tened to my reasoning.
"He used vaseline-I'd brought some along, knowing that I would be able to summon the courage to try it again-and when he smeared my asshole with it, kissing my back and shoulders as he did so, there was all the difference in the world. I could tell from his touch that it wasn't homosexual lust I was arousing in him now, but a total and engulfing love for me.
"When he began to slide his cock into my asshole, he reached around and played with my nipple. Then he slid his hand down and began to rub my clitoris, in almost the same rhythm that he used in shoving his cock up my ass. Almost as if we had agreed on it, we both gasped, 'I'm coming!' at the same time, and our movements speeded up to meet our riotous emotions.
"After we climaxed together we just collapsed, with me lying there and Don on top of me, his prick still inside my asshole, but getting softer. I felt a warm glow all over me, and I said, 'We can make it, Don. I know we can. We love each other enough. You satisfy me in bed, and I know now that I can satisfy you, any way you want me.' "Don just nuzzled my neck and mumbled something I couldn't hear, but I caught the word 'adorable,' and that was enough.
"It's been good since then. Don continued with the psychiatrist for several weeks, and finally Dr. W-told Don and I that there was no need for further consultation. We already knew it, but this time, Don wanted to be sure.
"I know that Don doesn't see any queers at all anymore. We make sure of it. He changed companies, and we have planned our whole lives differently. We only spend time with married couples that we know are heterosexual, but we also plan a lot of things together. We spend weekends out of town at motels with golf courses handy, and we play golf a lot. We bowl and swim, and just have a good, full life. When we close the door of our bedroom, we shut the whole world out, and live in a world of complete love and happiness.
"I hope that my telling this will help other women who might have the same problem. Remember, if I hadn't had a hangup about anal intercourse, Don might never have given in to his urges for that kind of sex, and sought out homosexuals. I take my rightful share of the blame, and I like to think that I had a big part in putting our marriage back on the right track. I've read a lot about analism since then, and I realize that the desire for anal intercourse is strong in a lot of males. The testimony of many prostitutes bears this out. Men who are married to women like I was-afraid to be completely free in my sexual life-only go to prostitutes because they can demand whatever kind of sex they want, for money.
"We're happy. We'll stay happy. I only wish that all other couples could be this happy, without ever having to go through all the heartache that I and Don did. One last bit of advice: talk about one another's sex desires. It can be the answer in a lot of cases. Remember, anything that makes two people happy is good, whether the world says so or disapproves, and if a woman loves a man, she'll at least try any kind of sex-any position-and she might be as surprised as I was to find that giving full satisfaction to your husband adds immensely to your own sexual pleasure."
CHAPTER TWO
A SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE "When I left home at seventeen, I didn't consider myself a promiscuous person. I was not a virgin, but I had only given myself sexually to men whom I really was serious about. The first time I had sex I was fifteen, and I know now that it was just a schoolgirl crush, but he was wild-wilder than anyone has ever been since.
"Maybe I had better go back and tell you about how it all started. I used to masturbate a lot, ever since I was about eight or nine. Anyhow, by the time I was eleven, and my breasts were beginning to grow, I masturbated at least once every day, sometimes more.
"When I got tired of just using my finger, I tried a lot of other things. I tried using a hairbrush handle, a handle that had broken off a whiskbroom-it was covered with leather, a wiener, even a Coke bottle. And some of them worked pretty good. But one time, I got fooling around with a thing my dad had for his scalp. He was getting bald and he bought this vibrator thing that you attached to the back of your hand, plugged into a socket, and when you put your fingers on your scalp, it really gave a fast massage. Dad said it was to stimulate the hair roots and help the blood circulate in the scalp. Anyhow, one day when I was alone, I fooled around with this thing. I plugged it in and used my finger up inside me, and it was pretty good. I began to fool around with it more and more, holding different things in my hand, and that was even better. The fast motion of the object sent thrills up my body a mile a minute, and I got so I used it almost every time that my dad wasn't home.
"He smoked cigars that came in a plastic tube, and I used one of those one day and it really was something. It was shaped something like a pecker, and with the vibration and all, it was groovy. I could insert it pretty deep and it went in smooth, and didn't hurt at all.
"By accident, one day, I was using the vibrator and holding one of the cigar containers in my hand, and just as I started to place it inside my pussy, it slipped a little and the rounded end of it touched my asshole! I jumped a foot, I guess, and it felt so strangely good that I kept it there. I began to shove it in a little deeper, and I found, for the first time, that there was another spot beside my clit and my nipples, that could really make me turn on. My asshole!
"After that, I experimented some more, using the plastic gimmick in my pussy, tickling my clit, while I shoved a finger up my ass. Each thing I tried seemed to be even more exciting for me, and finally, I began to use two of the plastic containers at the same time-one going up my asshole and the other inside my pussy, wiggling real fast against my clit and at the same time touching parts of my cunt that were a lot deeper.
"I don't think I used to have too many fantasies at that time, while I masturbated. Once in awhile, I would think about a couple of the boys at school, but I really had as good an orgasm when I just concentrated on what a won- derful sensation I was having, front and back- in fact, all over my body.
"Anyhow, I did things like that until I was fifteen. I used to go on dates, but only with a whole crowd, like to football games or beach parties, and for some reason, I never got turned on by any of the boys that were along. I could see, though, how they eyed me as my breasts began to grow and my hips and legs got nicely shaped, and it used to please my vanity, I guess.
"There was one boy, Mike, that used to fascinate me. I was at the beach with him a couple of times, and he seemed to really be interested in me-or at least, he was always around me, staring at my breasts and my crotch, through my bathing suit. I could see that he was getting a hard on, and it looked as if it was really a big one, but he would always roll over on his stomach, or jump up and race into the water real quick when he started to get hard. But I could see it a lot of times, and I often wondered how it would feel to have it shoved up my ass! Most girls I've talked to about 'sex dreaming' say that when they masturbated, they always thought of having a man go down on them, or fuck them the regular way, but to me, Mike was my dream 'ass-fucker.' "I began to think about how his cock would look naked, and imagine how it would be to be on my hands and knees and have him shoving it way up inside my anus. I thought about him al- most every time I masturbated after that, and I guess I was really hung up on him.
"We began to date steadily, more or less. I mean, he took other girls to the movies and things, but I didn't date anyone but him, and then not too often. My dad seemed to like him, so there was no problem there. My mother had died when I was seven, and my dad had never remarried. He paid a neighbor woman to come in and clean and straighten the house twice a week, until I was big enough to do it, then she only came every Monday.
"I began to think of Mike's big cock so much that I knew I had to have it, and I laid plans to seduce him into fucking me in the ass. I didn't quite know how I was going to do it, but I knew I could somehow, if we were alone in the right spot.
"Once in a while my dad worked Saturdays, and I planned to get Mike alone at my house the next Saturday we could be all alone. It happened two weeks later, and when I called Mike that morning and told him I wanted to see him, he came right over. I guess he had been thinking a lot about screwing me, but he hadn't done any more than to just cop a feel every once in awhile, and then, he only felt my breasts- never my pussy or ass.
"He came over right away. I guess he knew that we were both burning up to really get down to some sex business, because when he got there, he didn't even ask what I wanted him for. I had put on a sweater and a miniskirt, with no bra and no panties on. I knew he couldn't resist long.
"We sat on the couch and we began some hot necking, and when he felt my breasts without any bra, he began to really get worked up. I had planned how I would get him to screw me in the ass, and I was a pretty good actress, because it worked fine.
"After a lot of tongue kissing, Mike ran his hand up under my sweater and began to massage my breast. He was getting a big hard on, and I was tongue kissing him and rubbing myself up against him. Finally, he lifted my sweater and almost dived for my breast. He began to suck the nipple of one while he played with the other breast, and I was going wild, just like he was.
"I pushed him back and went over and sat in a chair opposite him. I spread my legs deliberately so that he could see up my crotch, and I left my sweater pulled up so that one breast was showing. We were both panting, and I could see his eyes grow big as he looked up between my legs. His cock was almost busting through his pants, and it wasn't any act I was putting on when I told him, 'Mike-we can't just keep doing that. I'm going crazy. I want more, but I'm scared.' "He looked at me funny and asked, 'Scared of what?' Like he didn't understand me.
" 'Of getting pregnant if we... well, do it. But I want to-honest!' "He stood up and his cock was bulging out. It must have been a whopper, and I ached to have it up my ass. Mike walked over and got on his knees in front of me. 'I-I've got to have more, too,' he said, almost pleading with his eyes. 'Maybe we could-well, maybe you could blow me, and I could blow you-know what I mean?' "I pretended not to quite understand, although I knew what a blow job was. I had often wondered how it would be to have a man stick his tongue up inside your pussy, but it didn't seem to me that he could get it far enough in to really be as good as even my masturbation with the vibrator. I hadn't given much thought to sucking a boy's cock, but I was thinking a lot about it now. I was afraid that if I did give Mike a blow job, that would be it, and I wouldn't get my fucking at all.
"I reached out and pulled his head close and stuck my tongue into his mouth. 'I want to, Mike-honest I do, but... but... "I broke off and just began kissing him again. He was putting one hand up under my miniskirt, running his fingers over the lips of my pussy. I reached down and unzipped his blue jeans and felt his cock. It was awfully hard and it throbbed as I ran my fingers up and down the length of it, squeezing it as I did so.
" 'Maybe there's some other way,' I said. 'I've heard about... well, I don't know if it's any good or not, but I've heard that some guys can stick their cock up a girl's ass.' "I watched his face. He was really going crazy from my slow masturbation and he was about ready to try anything. He stood up and his cock shot straight out, bobbing up and down a little as it throbbed with his need for me. I kept on rubbing it and put the other hand under his balls, massaging them slowly. Mike tried to pull my face down on his cock, but I resisted. 'Come on, suck it just a little,' he coaxed.
"I pretended that I was getting too hot to stand much more; and it wasn't too much pretending. I went back to the couch. He walked over and he could hardly take his eyes off my cunt, as I slouched back with my legs spread wide. He began to rub his cock a little and I rolled over and got on my hands and knees. My skirt was up over my hips, and he could get a good look at my asshole and the lips of my pussy. 'I want something, Mike,' I pleaded. 'Try it up my ass. It might be good.' "He moved onto the couch, his cock in one hand, and positioned himself between my legs. I wondered if it would hurt much. It was a lot bigger than the cigar containers I had been using for so long. Mike started to rub the head of it inside the lips of my pussy, but I hollered, 'I'm scared that way. I've heard that a couple of drops can sneak up, and you get pregnant. Please... "I felt him move the head up, and then it began to slip into my asshole. It was thrilling, although it did hurt a little, because I was so dry. But it felt a lot better than the cigar thing. It was warm and I could feel my asshole muscles contracting automatically. I reached between my legs and began to massage my clit, and Mike began to set up an in-and-out rhythm, holding my hips and pulling me back to meet his thrusts. I began to wiggle my ass and helped him plunge it in deeper, and in a minute, I was getting ready to come. I could tell by his speeded up motions that he was going to shoot into me, and I concentrated on bucking my ass back and forth fast, while I played with my clit. I had just started to get that 'golden glow' that meant I was coming, when I felt the hot spurt of come from Mike's prick shooting up inside my ass!
"He kept on pumping away, and I had a glorious come. He was panting for breath when he finally finished, and just collapsed on my stomach, marvelling at how wonderful it had been for me. I could tell by the way Mike was shuddering and gasping that it had been a good come for him, too, and after a minute or so I told him to go in the bathroom and wash it off, then maybe I would blow his cock.
"He did, and when he came back, I saw that it had already begun to get hard again. I sat on the couch and he stood up in front of me. I played with it a little, and he kept getting hotter and hotter until he finally grabbed the back of my head and pulled my mouth towards his swollen cock. I looked at it closely. It looked so big. I was sure it would choke me if I tried to suck it, but I wanted to. I wanted to keep Mike for myself, because I knew that if I could keep him happy I could probably get him to keep on giving it to me up the ass. Later, when I had a chance to think about it, while I masturbated, I realized that I actually was afraid of getting pregnant. Besides, I really dug the ass-fucking bit, and my orgasm was really good.
"I put the head of his cock in my mouth and began to suck it, and it made Mike jump. He grabbed my head and pulled it down hard, so that his cock slipped into my mouth easily. I began to suck it, and I took my one hand and held it at the base, while I massaged his balls with my other hand. When I began to do that, Mike eased up on the pressure on my head. I wanted him to come, but I really didn't, because I wanted it one more time in my asshole. I was extra conscious of the throbbing of his cock, because I was trying to gauge it so he wouldn't come.
"When I felt him begin to speed up, I sud- denly stopped and took his cock out of my mouth. 'I can't, Mike-I just can't!' I cried, trying to appear half-hysterical.
"He looked down at me, anger and frustration on his face, but his voice was almost a whine as he pleaded, 'Come on, Vicki, please-please finish me.' "I put on the act again. I rolled over and buried my head in my arms, pretending to cry. I kept saying over and over, 'I can't! I can't!' I knew that the way I was lying on the couch, Mike could get a good look at my ass and I spread my legs a little farther apart. When I felt him kneel with his legs straddling mine, I knew I had him hooked. He had to settle for my asshole. I knew that he had enjoyed it the first time, and I slid my hand down and began to massage my clit. Maybe it was the first time he'd ever seen a girl masturbate, but whatever, it turned him on good. He really guided his cock good this time, just the tip of it entering at first, but when he got it slipping in and out easily he let go and grabbed my hips with his hands. Between him pulling and my bucking back to meet him, it was perfect! And all the while, I was taking care of my clit in perfect time to his thrusts up my ass. When we came, it was as close as any two ever come to orgasm at the same time, and it was even better than the last time.
"Mike was funny after he had pulled it out and washed it up. He put on his pants and then he began to feel guilty about ass-fucking me. He began to stammer and stumble over a lot of apologies for 'being such a damned animal,' and 'acting like a horny dog.' But I snuggled up to him and told him it was wonderful. I told him that it took all the worry away from me about getting pregnant, and that if it was good for him when he had come, then it was fine for me.
"Of course, I was buttering him up for other days and nights, but I wasn't lying one bit. It had been more than wonderful. I couldn't know then that it was going to start something that would snowball into near-disaster for me later on, but I doubt if I could have changed the pattern at that time even if I had wanted to!"
Vicki is unusual in that she discovered much earlier in life than most Children that the anus is a very erogenous area. Stimulation of the anus by finger, artificial means or by the insertion of a penis has, in the testimony of many women, brought them to full orgasm, not once, but many times over.
Twenty-two years ago, in 1948, Dr. Alfred E. Kinsey stated in his masterful works on the sexual behavior of the American male and female, concerning anal stimulation: "There are some individuals for whom anal stimulation is definitely erotic, and there are a few who may be brought to orgasm by such stimulation." That statement, published many years ago, when studies of sexual behavior were in their infancy, must be considered a gross understatement in the light of present-day activities; freedom of sexual experimentation has been constantly on the rise among both the older and the younger generations.
Analism, or sexual intercourse in the anal canal, is now a widespread practice, though, like incest, it is still not discussed too freely for the simple reason that shame and guilt feelings are attached to it.
But researchers, experiencing a fuller, franker response to their questions about sex preferences and practices, have discovered that analism and analingus (the oral stimulation of the anal orifice with lips and tongue) are accepted by a considerable portion of our population as quite normal forms of intercourse and foreplay.
It is remarkable how many women like this form of intercourse, continued to orgasm. It is not so remarkable that a male should prefer this, or at least list it as one of the most arousing substitutes for genital-genital intercourse.
The anus provides a tight orifice for the male penis, and provides as much as 100 percent more friction which is basically responsible for the male orgasm. That males would desire to at least use anal intercourse as a "change" in their sex routines is understandable, but researchers have had a more difficult time trying to determine the reasons why many females like anal intercourse, and why some actually prefer it to any other form of sexual intercourse!
It has become evident, from blunt answers given by the new "tell it like it is" group, that analingus, the stimulation of the anus by tongue and lips, is widely practiced in the arousal stages. And many women have attested to the fact that, while enjoying regular (man-on-top) intercourse, they find additional arousal and satisfaction from his manipulation of their anus with the finger(s).
But because the feces has always been stressed as a taboo to almost every small child, the average person tries to ignore the erotic feelings that are associated with the anus. Anal sex is a less popular form of intercourse than it might be merely because many persons find it impossible to rid themselves of the childhood guilt. The subconscious recalls the punishment inflicted if a child played with his feces or experimented with the area of his anus. It was "dirty," or "sinful," or just plain "nasty," and so most persons (particularly females) deny themselves the erotic pleasures that can be derived from analism and analingus.
It can be said that we owe the upsurge of honesty concerning the pleasures of analism to the new militant homosexual groups, for analism has long been one of the erotic joys of mankind, dating back to the heart of our civilization-the Greek culture-when almost every male Greek had one or more young boys as his "proteges," though they were in fact his love objects. They made no silly bones about it. It has been recorded and verified by the most learned historians of all eras. It is also believed that the 114 sonnets of William Shakespeare were written to a young boy, of whom he was enamored. One need only read the sonnets, substituting the male gender for the female in pronouns, to see the depth of the Bard's love for another male. But because homosexuality in that day was an offense punishable by death, friends of Shakespeare carefully changed the male pronouns to female before publication. Even then, they were not published while he was still alive.
With the openness of the homosexual community in the last decade breaking down many barriers against "different" sex between consenting adults, more and more heterosexual lovers have admitted to the practice of analism. Many discovering the thrilling pleasures of analism at an early age have found willing partners, but most have encountered mental blocks and "background" incidents in the minds of their sex partners. Still, one of the most respected and eminent psychologists in the United States recently stated in his monthly magazine column his belief that at least fifty percent of the population is anally oriented, or extremely erotic in that area.
Recent findings have tended to make a number of psychologists believe that many persons, like the subject of this study, Vicki, can respond more ecstatically to analism than anything else.
"The mechanics involved in such responses," Kinsey says (since verified hundreds of times over), "are the same as those which account for erotic response to oral, breast, or genital stimulation, and there is no need for special theories to explain anal reactions. It would appear, however, that there are considerable variations in these reactions, probably due to the differences in the nerve supply in different individuals, as well as considerable differences in psychological conditioning on this point."
Psychologists and psychiatrists are not much closer than Kinsey was in solving the riddle of why some persons candidly prefer and enjoy anal intercourse, but they are quick to point out that the devotees of analism number in the thousands. Remembering that only one in approximately twenty-two persons who need professional help with sex hangups seeks it, it would seem that our learned psychologist may indeed be correct in his estimate that fifty percent of the population are anally oriented.
Vicki, in her lonely orgasms, accidentally stumbled onto the erotic pleasures of anal stimulation, and it was inevitable that she would want to experiment in this area with a live male partner. Mike was the perfect target, inasmuch as he had no inbred compunctions against anal intercourse. Once he had overcome his natural aversion to what is essentially a homosexual act, he proved to Vicki what she had long suspected: that anal intercourse, accompanied by stimulation of the clitoris (by either partner), brought multiple thrills.
Also, Vicki had not been psychologically oriented to think of this act as "dirty" or "perverted," doubtless because her mother had died while she was young and her father hadn't the time to discuss such intimate matters with his growing daughter. Nor had Vicki been subjected to the "gutter treatment" by young males or older perverts; some girls have been and ultimately come to abhor anal intercourse.
According to the sexual behavior experts, there are many complexions and many effects inherent in analism. It has been learned further that many of those devoted to this type of sexuality can become enslaved by the heavy sensuality that this type of sex can provide.
For many there is an intense erotic bliss achieved because of the intense stimulation that is possible because of the special nerve and muscle stimulation that occurs during analism. For some, this is quite enough, but for others, there is an another aura that is exceptionally stimulating and enjoyable. This is the atmosphere or feeling of humiliation and abasement, which is inherent in the masochist, and for the masochist, analism opens a whole new spectrum of extreme sensual joys.
The masochist is now a familiar figure in the lexicon of sexuality and his needs contain the element of pain or humiliation as an added fillip. Very often analism, or sodomy, is the closing act in a program that includes the inflicting of pain and abasement, the piece de resistance for both parties.
We have heard from Vicki's own testimony that there was originally some pain involved, both in the stimulation of her anus by herself and in actual anal intercourse.
Vicki does not seem to be a true masochist but rather she falls into the category of the new "explorers" who are discovering the wonders of erotic arousal daily, and who do not hesitate to satisfy their appetites or to try anything which promises pleasure. In a sense, Vicki has no true "sex hangups," unless we consider her obsession with anal sex to be such. Many experts would consider Vicki to be a classic example of "conditioned response." In short, the theory states that if subjected to a certain act long enough, the av- erage person becomes conditioned to it, and very often comes to actually enjoy it, no matter whether it is pleasurable or painful.
Vicki experienced intense sexual pleasure during the act, in spite of the accompanying pain. As we shall hear from her further account, Vicki had become addicted to the "double pleasure" of anal intercourse. Had she not accidentally discovered the joys of anal intercourse, it is likely that she would have eventually, and that she would have reacted in much the same way. But as with many devotees of a certain sex practice or pleasure, willing and able partners are not always easy to come by-especially those who might be considered as marital partners.
However, most devotees of analism, when asked if they would have changed their sex patterns if they could, stated flatly that they would not have, for they consider that they would have missed the thrill of "total sex."
Let us continue with Vicki's personal account.
"Mike spent half the day trying to explain why he felt he had affronted me and insulted me when he had given in to the urge to have ass-fucking. I tried to tell him (and I finally did get it acrosss) that I had liked it very much.
I told him that I would probably like the regular way, too, and that maybe soon we could try it.
"I also told him that I had gotten a strange kick out of feeling his cock in my mouth, and I would be willing to try to go all the way that way, if he wanted me to. I questioned him, prying from him, little by little, the answers to a lot of things I wanted to know about his feelings about sex-my way and his ways.
"He loosened up a lot after that, and we took a shower and then walked around the house naked, like a couple of little kids playing 'you-show-me-yours'!
"Mike got pretty hard several times, and he kept coaxing me to let him fuck me the regular way, in my cunt, but I told him I couldn't unless he used a rubber. I didn't have any pills, and I didn't know how I could get any. Besides, I pointed out, we didn't have to worry if we stuck to ass-fucking and making each other come with our mouths.
"He was still hot to have me blow him, and I remembered that it hadn't been bad at all, sucking his cock. I worked on him and told him that I'd try, if he would do it the same way to me. I was still curious about how it would be to have a real come, with a man using just his mouth. Mike got pretty excited about the idea, and when I laid down on my bed and spread my legs, he was ready to gobble me up. "He crawled down between my legs, and for a couple of minutes, he just got his eyes full. I guess he'd never seen a girl's cunt up close, because he spread the lips, looked in, felt around, then tickled my clit and the lips of my cunt with the tip of his tongue. He even put his nose down and took a good smell of it. I've learned since that the smell of a woman's pussy can turn some guys 'ape.' "But finally Mike couldn't hold off any longer, and he went right in. I don't know how he knew the right places, but he did. He ran his tongue over the lips, then inside and massaged my clit. He began to nibble at it, making me jump with the joy-pain. Almost as if he had been doing it all his life, he stuck one finger up inside my pussy, so he could touch the inner walls; and maybe he remembered the way I had jumped and writhed around when he was ass-fucking me, because Mike ran one finger up my asshole and began to move it all around, in and out. He really got carried away-nibbling, sucking, finger-fucking and asshole-massaging-and he drove me wild!
"I came in a wild, bucking orgy of joy. It was funny, watching Mike's head bobbing up and down as he tried to hang onto my throbbing clit with his lips and teeth, and he kept up all the motions until I had drained all the come from my body. I just laid there, thinking how wonderful it had all been and how glad I was that I had invited Mike to be the one to break me in.' The funny part of it was, I still had my cherry-although I think I had broken the hymen a long time ago, masturbating with so many different things. All that sex, and I was still really a 'virgin' in the way that most people think of one-because I'd never been cunt-fucked !
"Mike was so hot that he couldn't wait. I was exhausted from all the sex fun, but I owed him the same kind of thrill, so I turned around and crawled down as he rolled on his back. His cock was rigid, standing up stiff against his belly, and I took my time looking it over. I played with it, and with his balls, and he kept gasping and jumping around, and moaning for me to 'eat it, please, Vicki-eat it!' "Finally I took the shaft of it in my hand, holding it down near the base of it, moving my hand up and down along the shaft, while I took the head of it in my mouth. I ran my tongue around the rim of it, then up and down, and finally I gobbled it all in deep and began to suck it as hard as I could, bobbing my head up and down. Mike began to raise his ass to help get his prick deeper into my throat, and I began to want to taste his come-I wanted to feel him jerking and writhing in the same agony of passion that I had, and I let my teeth rake over the skin of his wet, slippery prick, with each in and out motion.
"Mike was moaning and rearing up, grabbing at my head, and when I felt he was coming, I ran my hand under his ass and jabbed my finger up his asshole-hard!
"He let out a moan that was almost a yell, and he began to come-shooting juice into my mouth until I could hardly swallow it fast enough to keep from choking.
"I kept on pushing my finger up his ass, hoping that he was getting the same kind of two-way thrill that he had given me, and sucking every drop of come from his hot, slimy prick!
"He grabbed my hair and pulled my face even closer to his sweaty stomach, and the smell of his body turned me on even worse than before! Almost without thinking, I turned around and crawled on top of his face, so my cunt was at his mouth. I took his cock into my mouth and began to suck it hard, and he spread the lips of my cunt and began to lick, using long tongue strokes that moved the length of my cunt lips, then went up higher and ended up at my asshole! The touch of his tongue on my bum-hole sent me to the moon! He could tell from my actions, I guess, because at the end of each long lick at my cunt, he would end up shoving the tip of his tongue up inside my asshole as far as it would go!
"I put my finger up Mike's asshole and began that in and out movement, using my nail to dig into the sidewalls of his anus, and plunging my mouth down over his prick until I felt it gagging me. I chewed, I sucked, I tickled, and when Mike latched onto my clit with his teeth and began to shove his finger up my asshole, we both just went wild! He rolled and turned, moaned and slobbered, and finally he shot his load into my mouth, a second before I came again!
"After that, we really were too tired for any more sex that day, but when Mike left, we both knew that there would be a lot of wonderful, sexy days and nights for us. And there were- two whole years of it! We went steady. We didn't want or need anyone else. We never talked about it, because I was so young, but I think we both knew we would get married one day.
"Believe it or not, only five or six times in all those months did we have regular sex-using a rubber. And neither of us liked it!
"Mike said it was like taking a bath with your socks on, and to me, it seemed like a wall between us-as if I were just masturbating, using some silly gimmick like the electric vibrator. Anyhow, we both agreed that we liked it better with him fucking me in the asshole, or with us doing a 'sixty-nine,' with a lot of ass-poking thrown in.
"Then the roof fell in. Mike went away to college and I felt like a deserted floozy. I wouldn't even have known how to act on a date with anyone else, I had grown so used to Mike and our special way of love.
"I was heartsick, and I actually got physically sick. I couldn't eat and I began to lose weight and lost interest in school completely. I was a real mope. I tried masturbating, of course-every way, including that damned vibrator and the plastic cigar container, but it was no good. It was like watching color TV for a year or two, then trying to go back to a plain old black-and-white set. It was flat. Everything had lost its taste. The whole world seemed lousy. I almost went nuts from wanting Mike, but I just couldn't try anyone else.
"I know you'll think I really was nuts, but I read the underground papers pretty regularly-I don't know why, except maybe it made me feel less alone, reading about other persons that had the guts to advertise for some 'special' kind of sex, like I needed. It wasn't guilt feelings or anything like that, but without Mike, I was so lost that at times I felt like a freak. I knew there must be others in the world who would love me like Mike did, and I guess I wanted to be reassured.
"Anyhow, I kept seeing this one ad, week after week, that read: 'Young swinger, new in town, will go your way, but no sadism or masochism.' Then it gave the P.O. Box number to contact. It took me weeks to get up enough nerve to write, but when I did I got an answer back inside three days, with a phone number to call. I called, and I was as nervous as if I were a virgin. We made a date to meet and talk, and Jules was nice. He was big, handsome, dark and polite, and I felt a magnetism taking hold of me. I liked him, but I still had the problem of getting across to him what I wanted and needed.
"He had moved into town from New York, and he had an apartment. Although I was a little scared, I made a date to meet him the next night and go to his apartment. It was a nice place, and he had added a lot to it with some pictures he had painted himself; some of them were nudes, in erotic positions, and I began to wonder just what Jules wanted of me. I wasn't particularly pretty, and my body wasn't any nicer than most seventeen-year-old's. I had just begun to really learn to wear clothes, and use makeup.
"Jules didn't waste any time, I'll give him that. He said, 'Well, Vicki, I guess the ad told my story, and your answer told me yours. So- we both want and need some sex. What's your bag?' "I didn't expect it to start so soon, and it surprised me, but he was smiling and looked sincere, and I felt that I could talk to him about ass-screwing. I began almost at the beginning, and told him about the masturbation and all, then about Mike-but I didn't give Mike's name-and then about how lonely I was and how hard it was to come right out and tell a man that you wanted that kind of sex.
"Jules just kept nodding and smiling, and when I had finished, I just shrugged and said, 'So-here I am!' "He laughed and said, 'That's no problem, Vicki. There are a lot more women than you would imagine who like it that way, and almost every man I've ever known likes it that way. So there's no problem.' "I felt at ease with him, and he mixed me a drink-a martini, and it hit me hard. I wanted a second one, but I didn't want to be drunk or out of it when Jules finally did get down to the business of sex. He began to strip, and as I took off my clothes, I noticed what a nice body he had. I learned later that he was a weight-lifting nut and his thigh and shoulder muscles were fantastic. And he had a dong on him that was something! It almost scared me, thinking of taking that up my asshole, but he was really exciting. As I dropped my last piece of clothing, I could see his cock begin to rise, standing straight out from his body, then finally it stood up stiff against his hairy belly, and I got really excited. I could feel my cunt getting wet and hot, and I knew I was really going to enjoy it.
"Jules walked over and put his arms' around me, rubbing his cock against my stomach, pulling me in close so my hardened nipples pressed against his hairy chest. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and we had a little tug-of-war with tongues, sucking, pushing, licking, until we both began to writhe around against the other.
"He broke the kiss and said, 'Vicki, let's go into my bedroom. You'll like it, I know.' He took me by the hand and led me into his bedroom and did I ever like it! It had two walls that were completely covered with nude pictures of couples in all kinds of intercourse. The other walls and the ceiling were completely made up of mirrors! I'd never seen anything like it, or even dreamed that any room could make me feel as sexy as this one did. I noticed that Jules himself was the star performer in a lot of the pictures, and it made me all the hornier as I stood and stared about me. I could see myself and Jules from many different angles, and I knew that when we got on that big bed, it would be even more exciting.
" 'Well?' Jules asked.
"I gasped, 'It's fantastic, Jules!' "He said, 'Then let's not waste any time.' He walked over and patted the bed and I almost ran to it. I just sat down for a moment, still breathless at the possibilities the place lent itself to. Jules stood before me, looking down at my distended nipples and my exposed crotch and at last he took his cock in his hand and moved close to me, holding it close to my lips, gently skinning the loose skin at the head back and forth. 'Shall we warm up with some mouth action?' he asked, and I was so hot I just leaned forward and opened my lips and let him shove his gigantic cock into my mouth!
"I couldn't get enough of looking at myself and Jules in action from so many different slants, and before I realized it, Jules was increasing the speed of his lunges into my mouth and he had shot a huge load of come into me before I was aware he was that close to an orgasm!
"I swallowed it and then cleaned off his cock with my tongue, and after I did that, he pushed me back on the bed and spread my legs and crawled up between them and began to play with my throbbing cunt, using lips, teeth, and fingers. He scratched the inside of my thighs and then shoved one finger deep into my cunt and he nipped my clit with his teeth. After a little of this, he began to suck hard on my clit, and he slid his hand under me and began to shove a finger in and out of my asshole. It took me less than a minute to come, and Jules finished me off really good, sucking and pinching, licking and scratching, and finally he fastened his fingers on my breasts and began to knead them, using his nails to excite the already-hard nipples.
"Inside a moment or so, we were both ready, and Jules stopped and got to his knees. I couldn't keep my eyes off the both of us in those mirrors, and some of the blown-up photographs were really sexy and exciting.
"He said, 'Get on your hands and knees, Vicki,' and I scrambled to obey. His cock had felt so good in my mouth that I had lost all fear of having him ass-fuck me. I knew, just by his actions so far, that he would know exactly how to make me have a wild, wonderful come!
"He asked me if I needed any lubricant-any Vaseline or cold cream, but I was too excited to wait for that. Besides, I wanted to feel that big dong, really feel it so it hurt me a little! I'm no masochist, but I do know that a little pain-like a guy scratching you with his fingernails or biting your ear or nibbling your earlobes or nipples with his teeth-all these things just add to the thrill of fucking and sucking. I told him to go ahead and forget the Vaseline, and as I looked into the mirror, I got a good view of Jules from the side, spreading my ass cheeks, moving up closer all the time, one hand guiding the head of his cock into my brown love-spot!
"I think I could have masturbated for ten seconds and come right then, but I wanted to feel him inside my ass and see what else he could think of to make his big prick even more effective. He didn't make me wait long. When he had the head of his cock positioned so that it was just entering my anus, he put his hands on my hips and gave one big lunge, pulling me in close to him with his strong arms and hands! His cock shot into me with a fiery thrill that seemed to go as high as my heart! He pulled back and rammed it home again and again, and I almost subconsciously reached down with one hand to masturbate myself. But he shoved my hand away, leaned forward so his weight was on my butt, and he reached around and began to pinch and play with my clit, all the time shoving his cock in and out of my asshole like a fiery, red-hot lance! Even Mike had never been this exciting!
"I tried to watch in the mirrors, but it was too excruciatingly beautiful to keep my attention on our images. I just put my head down and concentrated all my attention on my cunt and my asshole. Jules was wonderful! All I could think of was how it would be in another few seconds, when I felt his cock unloading his juices inside me!
"When it came, it was so unbelievably thrilling that I gasped and almost felt like I would pass out. There was pain at the last because he was shoving his cock inside me so deep that I could actually feel his balls slapping against the lips of my pussy. We were both sweating and moaning, our bodies slippery with perspiration, and when Jules went into a series of quick, hard jabs, I reached down and used my fingers alongside of his to scratch and massage the inside of my cunt! It was as if I were in a different part of the room watching myself, as the wild ecstasy swept over my whole body. Jules put his weight even heavier on me and began to bite the back of my neck and my shoulders, and that was something new. It was a new thing altogether, from start to finish, the way Jules did it to me. I completely forgot about Mike or anyone else, and it was absolutely the most complete orgasm I had ever had. It covered my whole body. It numbed my senses, it was so thorough and satisfying.
"Jules was like a machine. He would come, then we would rest a few moments, while I played with him and he fooled around, kissing and fingering me, while we stared at ourselves in the mirrors; and after only a moment he would be ready again. Altogether, I had four separate orgasms that session, with a half-dozen 'almost-comes' along with them. I am sure he came at least four times, and at the end it was me who ended up calling a halt to the whole deal. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Three of the times I came, Jules was shoving it in my asshole, and the other time he was sucking me off. We didn't even try a straight fuck, although I admit that I was curious to see just what that big prick would feel like way up inside my cunt. He had reached farther up my asshole than Mike ever had, but then he was a bigger man in every way. It had been wonderful, and as we lay there, naked, just relaxing in the afterglow of sex-which to me is almost as pleasurable as the act itself. After a lot of kissing and feeling, Jules raised up and looked down into my eyes. He jolted me into a sitting position when he said, 'Vicki, would you like to have all this, and make some money at the same time?' "I was angry for a second. He was suggesting that I become a prostitute! I like my sex, but I wasn't about to sell by body to just anybody, no matter what! I sat up and pinned him with an icy stare. 'What in hell do you think I am, a cheap whore?' I yelled.
"Jules looked surprised, then he began to grin. 'I should have made it plain, I guess. I'm sorry, Vicki. I didn't mean as a prostitute. I mean as a... a well, sort of an actress.' "I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. An actress! 'In what kind of movies-stag films?' I sneered.
" 'No, in legitimate movies. Oh, they are underground, and they are on a low budget, but I can get you five hundred a film, and it takes less than a day to shoot it. How about it?' "It's funny, but I had never really given any thought to what I would do when I finished school. I guess, in the back of my mind, I figured that I would someday get married and that would be that. Now Jules was offering something that I had never thought about at all-a movie role-even though it was in one of the cheap, sex-filled films that flood all the so-called 'main street' theaters. I had seen a couple with Mike, and they didn't seem so awful to me. At least, the sex was normal-no sadism or homosexuality in the ones we had seen, although I knew that some showed only homosexuals in the sex scenes-and I relaxed on the pillow, staring at myself in the overhead mirror. I looked at my body, and Jules's muscular, manly body next to mine, and I wondered to myself, Why not?
"I kept thinking that maybe I could make a dozen or so, then go to Mike and have enough money to help him through school. Then we could get married.
"I asked Jules, 'How do I get started-if I agree?' "He laughed and pinched my nipples. 'You just had an audition, baby,' he grinned at me. 'In a few hours, you'll be able to see yourself as the camera sees you.' "I sat upright again, fighting anger. He had gotten me to his place and had taken secret movies of him and me doing all those things!
"He pushed me back and kissed my breast 'Relax, Vicki baby. You'll pass easily. And-if you agree-you will even be paid for this!' "In spite of my fading anger at being taken that way, the idea began to appeal to me. Why not? I could have all the sex I wanted, and get paid for it. The only thing I would have to worry about was Mike, and how he would accept the idea of other men screwing me and cornholing me, or my sucking other men's cocks, and having them perform cunnilingus on me.
"The more I thought about it, the better the idea seemed to be. Jules put the clincher on it when he said, 'I wouldn't promise, Vicki, but I might be able to get a little more money than that, because you like it-well, in the butt. How about it?' "I said, 'Let me think about it a day or two. And I want to see those movies.' "Jules grinned at me as if he already knew that I was going to agree to it. I think he knew that I needed the sex more than the money, but I was still half afraid of what Mike would think. In my heart, I knew that I was going to agree, if they weren't the straight stag movies, but were really semi-legitimate things. That was a lot of money for having all that fun, the way I looked at it.
" 'Are you in those movies, Jules?" I asked. He replied, 'Sure, baby. I'm the star-one of the few studs that can keep going for a whole shooting session. There are lots of guys who can go one or two screws, but that means running the shooting time on the picture to three or four days, because they all have at least five or six screw scenes.' "I could see that he was proud of his sexmanship, and as I remembered his energy and almost continuous hard-ons, I didn't blame him.
"That's how it began. I saw the films that had been shot of Jules and I, and I had to admit they turned me on, just watching myself in ac- tion. I could imagine that they would really excite a lot of guys. Jules had been maneuvering me around for a lot of good cunt and ass shots. He knew the location of the three cameras, and he had turned them on with a hidden control, the second we went into his bedroom.
"I met the man in charge at the same time I saw the films, and Jules came right out and told him that for the ass-fucking, I should get a hundred a day more. The guy sat and stared at the films-twice, then he nodded and said he'd pay $600 a day. But he seemed a little wary, and I wondered why. Then he came right out bluntly and asked me how old I was. When I told him, he almost turned green.
"'Geez!' he said. 'I could get busted good! What about your mother and father?' I lied and said, 'They're both dead. I live with my grandmother, and she wouldn't even know what I was doing-she's sick most of the time.' "Mr. George-or at least that's what he called himself-thought it over a minute, and then nodded. 'Okay, baby, you be here bright and early Monday and we'll get you started.' We were at a big place with a lot of rooms, and I found out later that the upstairs rooms had been converted to a film studio. All the sets were just bedroom and partial living rooms, featuring big, luxurious couches, but the filming wasn't bad. The pictures of me and Jules had been in color, and it had been good.
"Mr. George gave me two hundred dollars and had me sign a release that allowed him to use the films he had made of us for stag parties. He explained that he had a big mailing list for those type of films, from 'small town jerks,' as he called them. It seemed like a lot of money to me, so I signed. He promised me that he would use Jules in the first film, so I wouldn't be too nervous. It wasn't too bad. When I showed up, there were two other girls, both of them quite a bit older than I was, and the 'story' was explained to me. Then we went to work.
"The general idea of the film was that I was trying to win Jules as my boyfriend. We were supposed to be all living in one of the 'swinging singles' apartments, and after a few shots of me walking around in my panties, getting cocktails ready for Jules, he came in. We necked a little at first, then we got down to the serious sex. I gave him a good warmup by sucking his cock, and he took my panties off and licked my cunt a little. By the time he was doing that, I had forgotten all about the cameras that were on us and the handful of technicians that were watching. In fact, I got a special kick from it. Knowing that you're performing for an audience does something extra for sex, and when Jules got me on my hands and knees and began to fuck me in the asshole, I didn't care if the whole world was watching!
"After we'd finished it that way (and I had one hell of an orgasm, with Jules fingering me) the other two girls came bursting into the apartment. They began to fight with Jules, and he stood up and showed them a good hard on, and told them with a grin that there was plenty for everyone.
"Then Jules balled each of them, while I sat and pretended to pout. Finally, I pulled Jules off one of the women and tried to scratch her eyes out, and Jules separated us and then gave it to me in the ass again. Meantime, the two other gals went to work on each other. They were really lesbians, I found out later, and only allowed the screwing scenes to pick up the extra money. Besides, they told me afterwards, they got a little extra for the lesbian bit, just like I did for the ass-fucking. They were nice enough to me, but I could see that they didn't have a bit of interest in Jules. They really threw themselves into the cunt-sucking and the sixty-nining, and the camera caught it all, while at the same time, Jules was fucking me in the ass and masturbating me until we both came.
"That's all it was. As simple as that. I think I really guessed that they weren't legitimate movies, only high-class stag stuff, but I didn't mind. It seemed like easy money to me. I stayed with that outfit for three months, and then I went to where Mike was. I didn't lie to my father, at least in one way. I told him that I was in love with Mike, and that he wanted me to come East and marry him. My dad had known how I felt about Mike, so he wasn't too surprised. I told him that Mike had even sent me the fare, and I left under good conditions.
"When I got to New York, Mike was delirious with happiness. He'd been as lonely as I had been, and we spent the whole first night together just catching up on our lovemaking. When I felt Mike's arms around me, all the old love came flooding back again, even hotter than before. I knew after a few days that Mike really loved me, and I told him what I had done to make all the money that I had. It bothered him a little at first, but then he said he understood, and he didn't really mind.
"Gradually, I worked around to tell him that Jules and Mr. George had given me the names of other underground movie companies in New York that would be glad to give me work, even on a part-time basis. That took some talking, but at last Mike agreed that I could do it part-time. He wanted to get married first, and that was what I had wanted all along, so we did.
"It worked fine for a few months, then Mike began to get jealous. He got surly, and his marks in school began to go down, and a couple of times he was warned that his scholarship could be taken away from him if he didn't shape up scholastically.
"So I quit. I had earned over seven thousand dollars, and Mike agreed to let me get a job as a cocktail waitress in a nightclub, although he didn't particularly like the hours I had to work, because we were apart too much with him in school. But we had all the early and late evenings together. We rented a nice apartment-furnished-and it was wonderful.
"Mike keeps me completely satisfied sexually. He still likes a variety of sex once in a while, but he still gives me plenty of anal intercourse, and a lot of cunnilingus, and sometimes we sixty-nine. Once in a blue moon, we have regular, straight-out fucking, and it is good-for a change. We're doing fine. I make good money, and Mike graduates in six months more. He's already been tapped by one of the professional football teams, and he figures to play for ten years, then go back home and invest in some sort of a business deal.
"When he graduates, I quit working. He wants it that way. I suppose everybody that reads about me would wonder if I ever fool around. The answer is 'NO!' There's no need to. I have everything I want with Mike. I'm looking forward to the traveling around when he plays football, and I intend to be a good wife to him.
"Let's just say that I got it all out of my system with the movie bit. Whatever, I love Mike totally, and he thrills me now just as much as he did the very first time we had sex.
"I wouldn't advise women to deliberately try anal intercourse, but I would tell them that if their husbands want to try it, they should. They might be surprised at all the new, hard-to-de-scribe thrills that come with ass-fucking. As for me, I wouldn't change for the world."
CHAPTER THREE
ENSLAVED BY THE PAST "I'll tell you right now that to me, what most persons call 'normal' intercourse is still 'abnormal.' I don't understand all the reasons why, but I'll try to explain as I go along.
"I'm what you would call an anal wife. By that, I mean that I feel best, safest and most relaxed, when my husband is having intercourse with me with his penis in my rectum. It took a long time, but I can sometimes have normal intercourse, with his cock inside my vagina, but he knows and I know that I am still nervous about it. And because it is, Rocky has learned to like it my way, too, because if I'm nervous, I can't really 'get with it' for him, and he senses it, even when I try my hardest to pretend that I am enjoying it.
"We hope soon that it will work out better, so that I can learn to accept-perhaps even welcome-normal genital-to-genital sex. But I want to make it clear that we have learned to perform anal sex so that it is enjoyable and fulfilling. Rock is a honey-he is so understanding about it all.
"I'm taking a course in self-hypnosis, so that I can eventually control this silly fear I have of regular screwing. I know it will work for me, because it is already helping some. When I have complete mastery of it, I know it will be the answer-though neither Rock nor I feel we have missed much from the sexual side of our marriage.
"It happened a long time ago, of course. I have studied enough psychology to know that my hangup is emotional, and based on terror as a child. I still can't put those things completely out of my mind, although they are com- ing under control slowly. Whenever a man would try to climb on top of me, I would freeze. Even when Rock and I were on our honeymoon, loving him as crazily as I did, I just couldn't have regular intercourse. It almost wrecked our marriage before it had begun, and that's why I give Rocky all the credit, because he's a sensible man, as well as a kind and tolerant person, and he took the time to dig in deep-with me- to find the answers.
"It began when I was ten. I remember it so well because that was when my daddy died, and inside three months, my mother had married again. She had been running around with Lester for a long time. I knew it, but I don't know if my daddy did or not. He used to come to the house days, and I saw him in bed with my mother a lot of times, but they didn't know it. I guess that's partly why I was never very close to my mother. She was always going out, spending way too much money on clothes and makeup. She always made up and dressed to look like a teenage girl, and she was only fooling herself. Towards the end, when my daddy got real sick and she had to go to work, she got to drinking a lot, and sometimes she would bring men home with her late at night-other men besides Lester. But Lester was the one that she went with the most, and the one she married.
"I liked him at first. He was nice to me. He bought me some new clothes and a bike, and be- fore too long, I managed to be able to call him 'Dad.' I couldn't call him 'Daddy,' because my real daddy was dead, but Lester and my mother both wanted me to call him something besides Lester, so I tried 'Dad.' "My mother kept on working for a while, because Les wasn't making a lot of money, and I knew that he had to pay money to the courts, too, because he had been married before and had two little boys. Mom worked in a cocktail lounge as a waitress, and that meant that she was away five nights a week, and Lester and I were alone. I was an only child, and I was dumb as any ten-year-old who has lost her father could possibly be.
"Nights, when we'd watch TV, Les would take me on his lap, and to me, it felt good. It helped to make up for my terrible loneliness for my daddy. Lester was a lot younger than my daddy, but to me, he was filling the empty space. And with my mother working nights, I was extra lonely, so I used to love to get on his lap and snuggle up and watch TV with him.
"He began to feel me and play with my pussy from the first, but I guess he was scared that I would tell my mother or something, because he never really pushed things. Just sneaky things like running his fingers around the back of my neck and into my ears. He could feel my reaction, and he knew it was making my little pussy tingle. Then he started to run his hands up in- side my legs, using his fingernails to scratch the inside of my thighs. Once in a while, he would let his fingers brush my pussy lips and I would jump and gasp. Pretty soon we began kissing a lot. He would kiss my ears, breathing hard in them to get me excited, and then he began to kiss me, real grown-up kisses, sticking his tongue into my mouth and sucking mine into his. It was new and exciting to me, and I hardly noticed when he began to run his hands under my panties and stick his finger up inside, playing with the lips of my pussy, and then gradually, working his finger up inside my cunt.
"He would rub my knob until I would go half wild. I wanted more, but I didn't know what it was that I wanted. I just knew that I had a heady feeling, and when he would play with me long enough, I would have a strange but thrilling feeling all over my body, and then I'd want to kiss him more and have him do it again. It got so I hardly remembered even having the TV on. I just looked forward to those hours on his lap, getting all those kicks from his lips and his fingers.
"I didn't quite know what it was all about, but I knew that he felt different, too, when we would kiss and play. I could feel his cock getting real hard rubbing itself into my ass-especially after I would take a bath and sit on Lester's lap in my shortie nightgown.
"Then he would pull my nightie up and open his pants and take out his prick, and he would let it shove itself up between my thighs. Sometimes, when I would get real hot, he would try to stuff it inside my pussy from the back, but it wouldn't go in. I was too tight. Sometimes I would spread my legs wide, hoping it would go in, but he never pushed it hard enough. He would move his finger around inside me, and after I'd gotten the strange feeling that excited me so and made me feel weak and soft, he would go into the bathroom and stay for a few minutes and when he came out, his cock would be soft again.
"I know now that he was masturbating. Once or twice, I even peeked through the keyhole and I could see him sitting on the john, his cock in his hand, his eyes closed, pumping away at it until I thought he would break it to bits. It got me all excited to see it, and it made me want to do something when I could once again feel it shoving up against my pussy and my little ass cheeks, while sitting on his lap.
"We did that every night when my mother wasn't home, and Les would always caution me to say nothing about our 'secret' to my mother. He explained that she would be mad, and that she would probably whip me with a belt. My mother could be mean, I knew that, remembering back to the way she had treated my daddy-especially after he got so sick. I was afraid of her-not so much that she would whip me as worrying that she wouldn't let me sit with Lester like that and watch TV, so I kept still about it.
"On the nights that she was home or they went out together, I would often play with myself. I never used anything but my fingers, but that used to feel awfully good, especially when I would think about Lester. I guessed that that was what Lester was thinking about when he would go into the bathroom and jerk his cock with his eyes closed.
"I think it was about three months after he first began to hold me that it happened. He came home from work late that night, and he acted funny. I knew that he was drunk; I had seen my mother that way often enough to recognize the condition in Lester.
"He wolfed down the supper my mother had left on the table for him. It was cold, but he didn't know the difference. I warmed up some coffee for him, and when I set the cup down beside him, he seemed to notice me for the first time. He grinned at me and grabbed me between the legs and clawed at my pussy! It hurt, and it scared me. Then he grabbed at one of my flat, undeveloped breasts and dug his fingers into the nipple!
"I yelled in pain, and he let go. He looked me up and down-I was in my nightie-and snarled, 'When you gonna get some titties, Shirley? I'm sick and tired of waiting. I think to- night, you're gonna get it! You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about you getting your first fuck!' "I was getting more scared by the moment, and I put the coffee on the stove and went into my bedroom. I shut the TV off on the way, and I could hear him in the kitchen, talking to himself and slurping his coffee. He was saying, 'If they're big enough, they're old enough. I can fit my cock into that kid. Maybe a little vaseline or butter. But, I've got to fuck her! I've got to!' "I knew what fucking was. I'd seen some drawings at school that one of the girls had stolen from her father, and they showed men and women on top of each other, with the man's prick going way up inside the woman's pussy. They showed a lot of other things, too, like her sucking on his cock, and her on her hands and knees and the man shoving his prick up her ass. They got me excited, but now, when Lester was saying all those things, I was just plain scared to death. I knew how big his cock got. I had seen it and felt it plenty of times, and I knew that it wouldn't go into my pussy, no matter what.
"I shut my bedroom door, hoping that he would forget it and fall asleep, but he didn't. I heard him in the bathroom, taking a shower and swearing. I don't know what he was so mad about, but he seemed to be getting angrier and louder with his curses all the time. Once, I thought I heard him saying, .. that god- damned slut, putting out to everybody but me.' I didn't know what the word meant, or that he was talking about my mother. I just lay there with the covers over my head, hoping and praying that he would go on to bed.
"I heard the door to my room open, and he switched on the light. I pretended to be asleep, but he knew I wasn't. He walked over to the bed and peeled off the covers and I knew it was no use to pretend anymore. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was naked! His cock was soft and it hung down, but even while I looked at it, it began to get hard. He was staring down at my crotch. My nightie was all bunched up around my hips, and he could see my pussy. I wanted to try to cover it with my hand, but I was too scared to move.
"I couldn't keep my eyes off his cock. It kept bobbing and jerking, until finally it was standing up stiff and huge, and he took it in his hand. He grinned down at me and said, 'You're going to take this, baby, and you're going to suck it and fuck it!' "I didn't see how I could even get it in my mouth, let alone have him shove it inside my cunt, and I began to shake and tears started to come to my eyes. He saw them, because he suddenly became less menacing. He bent over and kissed my mouth, saying, 'Come on, Shirley. Old Les isn't going to hurt his best girl. It won't hurt, I promise. It will give you the same kind of feeling that you told me you liked, when I put my fingers up inside your pussy-that's all-only it will be better.' "Something told me it wouldn't be anything like that. I just knew it would hurt, but I couldn't do anything. I knew that my mother wouldn't believe me, or do anything about it if she did. Lately, it had seemed to me that she almost resented me being around, and I had often thought of running away from home. But Les had been making life exciting, and now I felt I was all alone-that he was the enemy in disguise, that he had always been, really.
"He got into bed with me and pulled my nightgown over my head, then pushed me back down. I could feel his hot, hard cock against my body, and even as scared as I was it gave me a curious sort of excitement-feeling it and being able to see it like that.
"Les crawled down and spread my legs so that my pussy was wide open. He looked at it and then touched my clit with his finger, grinning and saying, "You're gonna like it, Shirl- watch!' He bent his head and began to lick the lips of my cunt. I began to squirm with the excitement of feeling his tongue on my cunt, and some of my fear left me-especially when he shoved his finger up inside me, deeper than he had ever done before, and at the same time, he began to lick my knob with long, hard strokes of his tongue. I began to get that same feeling I had when he fingered me, only a lot better, and I relaxed and spread my legs so that he could go in better.
"He began to suck on my knob, then he would nibble it with his teeth. All the time he kept moaning and he dug his fingernails into my one ass cheek so that I could feel the sting when he broke the flesh with his nails. But I was concentrating on the feeling he was giving me with his mouth. I raised up a little so I could watch him, and that seemed to make it even more exciting. He was sending all sorts of new feelings up my body-even down to my toes.
"Then all at once, I got that wonderful feeling where fire seemed to be flooding from my cunt to my whole body, and Les just sucked harder on my knob and ran his finger deeper into my pussy. It seemed like there were waves of thrills starting at my cunt, and lapping over each other as they swept through my whole body. Finally, I just lay back and breathed hard. I felt numb with the excitement, and I wasn't afraid anymore.
"Les sat up and smiled at me. 'Now, that was good, wasn't it?' he asked. I just nodded, my attention on his big, fat, hard prick that he was holding in one hand. He was playing with it a little, like I'd seen him do in the bathroom, only not so hard. He kept looking at my cunt, and that sent chills up me, too. I guess in a way I really did want to feel his cock inside me, but it looked so big and scary that I was afraid he'd split my cunt in two with it.
"Les pushed me back and straddled my body with his legs. Then he moved up high, so his balls and cock were right at my mouth. He was holding me down with his knees on my arms, and I could hardly move. He took his cock in his hand and said, 'Suck it! Put it in your mouth and suck it!' "I got scared again, but I couldn't do anything. He leaned forward and guided his prick toward my mouth. I was torn between wanting to taste it and fright that he would choke me with it. I opened my mouth a little, and he tried to jam it in all at once, but I kept my teeth closed, and he couldn't even get the head of it in. Then he reached down and stuck his strong fingers into the sides of my cheeks. It hurt, and it forced my mouth open. When I opened it, Les rammed his cock in hard and deep, and I just threw up-big waves of vomit coming from me and going all over him and the bed.
"It scared him, but it also made him angry. He got off my body and stood there beside the bed, watching me finish vomiting up my supper.
"He went and got a towel and wet it and wiped some of the stuff off the sheet. He went into the bathroom and washed the vomit off himself, and when he came back he was mad. He had grabbed a bottle of whiskey from somewhere, and he stood there and took big gulps of it. Finally he set it down and snarled, 'I said you were going to be fucked, and I mean it!' "He came over to the bed and his cock was hard as a rock, standing straight out. I just lay there, paralyzed with fear and, at the same time, with a funny kind of fascination as I stared at that big, round, hard prick!
"Les climbed on the bed and got on his knees. He spread my legs wide, and moved up closer, his cock in one hand. He couldn't take his eyes off my cunt, and he grabbed one of the pillows and shoved it under my ass, to bring my cunt higher and closer to his cock.
"He spread the lips of it with one hand, and with the other, he inserted the head of his cock into my cunt! Even the first feel of it scared me, because it was big and I knew I couldn't hold it all inside my pussy. I knew from masturbating myself that the inside of my cunt wasn't much bigger around than two of my fingers, and I began to be scared again.
"All at once, he rammed it in deep, his whole weight bearing down behind the thrust. It was like a red-hot poker had been rammed inside me-a fat, round one that was breaking everything inside me into pieces. I screamed, and then I must have half fainted, because I can't remember too clearly the rest of it. I know that he was fucking me, and that every part of my body was screaming in pain. I know Les put his mouth down on mine to smother the screams, not to kiss me, and he kept pumping away until I lost all feeling down there. All I knew was that I was hurting, like I had never dreamed I could hurt!
"I knew somehow, too, that I was bleeding terribly, and the last thing I remember was hearing Les saying, 'Fuck me, you little bitch, or I'll bust your cunt!' Then I fainted. I don't even know if he finished screwing me. I think he did, because the next day, when I washed out my still-bleeding pussy, there were traces of his come, mixed with the blood-or at least I think it was come.
"I bled awfully that night, and he tried to get me out of my trance by pouring cold water on me, and trying to get me to drink some water. But I was still only half-aware of anything when my mother came home. She knew something was wrong, because Les had drunk the whole bottle of whiskey and was asleep in the living room, naked, with dried blood all over his cock and legs. My blood!
"My mother was fairly sober I guess, because she came in and threw back the covers and looked at my bleeding pussy. She got her douche bag out and used warm water with some sort of antiseptic in it, and flushed out my cunt the best she could. I was still groggy, and she didn't ask me what happened. I guess it was plain enough.
"I fell into a sleep after a long while, but I kept waking up and screaming. I know now that I was awakened by the noise she made when she was beating Les, and when the cops came and took him away after she had called them. I vaguely remember coming to and hearing two policemen talking to my mother in the bedroom where I was, but that was all.
"Next morning, Les was gone and my mother seemed so different to me. She cried and held me, and kept apologizing for not being there to 'stop that wild animal,' Les, before he did such a rotten thing to me. She kept calling me her "baby girl,' and it got sort of sickening after a while, because she hadn't even known I was alive for the past couple of years."
* * *
As much research has revealed, the sex patterns of most of us are formed in the early stages of our lives, shaped by early experiences and family background. As we grow older, we experience other confusing and often painful sex experiences such as rejection, inability to perform to our own desires, frustration in early sex affairs, overindulgence in sex-hundreds of different things can happen that eventually bring about sex restraints.
Sex inhibitions, which we commonly refer to as "hang-ups" in the vernacular of the day, are caused by only one thing: fear.
Fear, as we understand it, need not be inspired by an incident or the surroundings or by another person. Many of our fears are self'-genera-ted and inspired; that is, we lack confidence in ourselves and allow it to grow until it becomes an actual fear. Thus, psychiatrists and psychologists concentrate on bringing their patients face to face with themselves and with reality. Any competent counsellor will not offer advice or give his solutions for a particular sex problem. Instead, he will carefully lead the patient down a sometimes long, winding road, to the point where they will be faced with the obvious answer, and be able to do something about it themselves.
However, in Shirley's case, there were a set of circumstances which created a severe trauma with which she could not cope at her age, nor for many years thereafter.
Incest is always very influential upon the sex attitudes of the youngster involved. However, in a great many instances, incestuous relations can be engaged in with a feeling of security and even love on the part of the child. Had Shirley been dealing with her own father, there might well have been a tenderness and an instinctive love on the father's part that would have precluded violence and the brutal ravishing that she underwent.
Lester was not her father (though in the legal sense, most states consider sexual relations be- tween a stepfather and stepdaughter as incest), and he had not been around her long enough to build trust and deep affection, which could have taken the raw edge of fear out of the act.
The relationship and lack of respect for her mother only added to the terror that Shirley felt, as we heard from her own lips. She felt that her mother did not care about her welfare at all, which, whether true or false, left the child feeling completely deserted and alone in the world. Nowhere in her account do we hear her use the word "love." When Lester began to pay attention to her, and to play with her sex organ, she was at least getting attention, and was experiencing a new and strangely fascinating sensation; thus, Shirley accepted Lester into her lonely, bewildered world.
But when an act of sex is committed without any consideration, affection, or love being present in either person, it becomes merely an animal act of lust; and for a youngster like Shirley, who needed love and attention and consideration as an individual, it was sheer terror.
For Shirley, her vagina became a territory of fear. She naturally associated pain and panic with the entry of a male penis into her vagina. Swept aside were all the normal joys of surrender that come to the adult woman when she first experiences intercourse with a lover. Under such conditions, where virginity is willingly sacrificed, even if some pain is involved, it is brushed aside and overwhelmed by the true enjoyment of giving and accepting a deeper love.
Her father was dead. Her mother was a promiscuous and shallow woman. Her father by marriage was a brutal rapist. Little wonder that the next years for Shirley were a jungle of tangled emotions, and that only the salvation of love was able to rescue her from the morass of fear and hate that she wallowed in for so long.
We fear ivhat ive do not understand, and in most cases, we hate what we fear. In the highly complicated mental process, we usually come to hate ourselves, and this feeling is the perfect breeding ground for masochism and/or sadism. Shirley, as we shall see, was forced by circumstances to become a man-hater, a self-hater, and also, in a general sense, a "people hater." She trusted no one. She loved no one, nor did she receive love, for it is difficult for most of us to love those that hate us.
We pick up the story of the shamed, debauched and terrified Shirley.
* * *
"The next couple of weeks were like a dream. I guess I was in shock, because all I can remember is being in the hospital, talking to some policemen, and hurting. When I went home after a few days, there was a strange woman to take care of me nights. I learned later that Lester was in jail and that my mother had filed for divorce, which was almost automatically granted.
"I wasn't ready to go back to school for a month, and I was as scared as a little rabbit. Most of the kids had read about it in the papers, and I felt like I was some sort of freak. I suppose I was extra conscious of it, but there were a few that kept asking me questions-silly girl questions-but I just wouldn't talk about it. I kept to myself, and gradually, it settled down into a lonely life. Perhaps because I was such a loner, I really buckled down to schoolwork and got good grades. And I got along well with Mrs. Wellman, the woman who stayed nights. She was an older woman, a widow, and she kept the house nice, so I didn't have to do any work at all, except keep my own room clean.
"Then I began to menstruate and my breasts began to grow a few months after I was eleven, and for the first time, I began to be interested in things again. Boys began to notice me. Mrs. Wellman taught me how to put my hair up in curlers, and I even used a little lipstick sometimes. But I didn't date-even parties were out for me. My mother was really tough on that subject. She had settled down a lot. She worked long hours and she didn't drink as much as she had. I know now that she probably had had her fill of men, after Les did that to me. I didn't see much of her, except on Sundays, and then we never did much because she was always too tired.
"I had an English teacher, Mr. Corwin, and he was the nicest person in the world. He always read my compositions in class, and he asked every day how I was, little things. Sometimes he would make me feel extra good by asking me to help him correct papers-they were from another class, but it made me feel ten feet tall. It got to be almost a regular thing for me to stay after school and help him, and he became the first man I learned to trust. He was so gentle and kind, and we used to talk about poetry and literature-all the things I was interested in. It got to be a habit that when I would leave for home, he would just kiss me on the cheek-innocentlike, without touching any part of my body.
"Once in a while, he would put his hand on my shoulder and kiss me on the side of the mouth-not on the lips-just the corner of my mouth. It didn't excite me. It just made me feel warm and good, to know that somebody really was interested in me. I came to want him to kiss me on the mouth, and I decided that I'd be the one that would make the first move.
"The next afternoon, when I was leaving, Mr. Corwin reached for my shoulder and I just ducked quickly inside his arm. I turned my body so that I was facing him. My breasts had grown nice and round, and I pushed them against his chest. He didn't have much choice, so he pulled me into his arms, my pussy pushing hard against his cock. I could feel it begin to get hard right away, and for the first time in many months, I got that funny, tingling feeling between my legs.
"Then he kissed me. I opened my mouth, inviting him to stick his tongue in, and when he did, I sucked it hard. I began to move my hips, rubbing my pussy against his cock. It was pushing hard against his pants, and I let my hand brush it. It sent a thrill up my body, but at the same time, I felt as if a warning bell had gone off in my mind. "Mr. Corwin reached around behind me and took my ass cheeks in both his hands, digging his fingers in the soft flesh and pulling me even closer to his hard cock. Our tongues were entangled, and my arms went around his neck. We held the kiss a long time, with our bodies rubbing together.
"I felt his hand moving on my ass, his fingers running up the crack until one of them touched my asshole. It sent a shivery thrill through me, and for an instant, I wasn't afraid. But then he moved his hand and tried to touch my pussy lips from underneath, and I broke the kiss and jumped back from him.
"He was red-faced, but his tone was all apology. 'I'm sorry, Shirley,' he said contritely. 'Honestly, I am. I know about what happened to you, and I shouldn't have done that. Forgive me, please.' "I felt sorry for him. He hadn't really done anything I hadn't wanted him to do. I liked him a lot, and I didn't want our times together to stop. He was building me back up, so that I could be with people again, hold my head up and sometimes be proud of myself.
"I said, 'It's all right, Mr. Corwin. I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it. I-I really liked it.' "He looked at me and smiled, and I stepped close to him again. I reached up and put my arms around his neck and kissed him lightly. When my body rubbed against his again, he just grabbed me and held me close, kissing my neck and ears, and breathing hard. He said, 'Oh, Shirley, Shirley-I can't help the way I feel about you. I want you so, but I know you've been hurt, and I never want to do that to you. I just want to hold you, kiss you... I turned my face so my lips were against his, and we clung together in a deep, tonguing kiss. I started moving my hips again. It felt so good to be held and to feel his body so close to me. I'd been so lonely-so very lonely.
"He was talking again, through the kiss. 'But it doesn't have to be like that, Shirley. It can be beautiful and sweet and exciting. I want to kiss your lovely body all over, every inch of you, and feel your lips on my body. I want... he broke off and held me at arm's length, looking into my eyes. 'I want to love you every way a man can love a woman,' he said in a husky voice, 'without hurt or shame or guilt. Can you believe and understand that?' "I could believe most of it, and I knew that with him my fear would be almost gone. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to love me as he wanted to-I could almost feel the hot-ness of his lips on my body, on my breasts and my pussy, and I wanted it to come true-as soon as possible.
"I said, 'I want that, too.' It was that simple for me. I did want him to kiss me and make love to me like he would a grown woman. I wanted him to blot out that nightmare of Lester, which had driven me into a shell of loneliness.
" 'Can you come home with me-now?' he asked breathlessly. 'Can I call and say you have to stay, or that you have to go somewhere?' "My mind was racing. I only had one real friend in the whole school, Rose Grant. She had been to my house twice, and Mrs. Wellman knew her and liked her. She said Rose was a 'nice, sensible girl who wasn't boy-crazy, like most of the other girls were.' If I could only get Rose to call and ask if I could stay at her house all night, I knew it would be all right. "I told Jim, Mr. Corwin, about Rose, and he looked disappointed, but he smiled quickly and said, 'Work it for tomorrow night, then.' "We agreed, and after some more long kisses, I went on home. I was on fire with desire. I was filled with visions of what it would be like to have Jim Corwin kissing my breasts and my pussy, and that night, for one of the few times since Lester, I masturbated until I had an orgasm. I kept thinking of Jim, kissing me, sucking my nipples, and of me playing with and then sucking his cock, and him sucking and kissing my cunt.
"Rose went for the idea. She thought it was a big, intriguing adventure, though I didn't tell her who I was going to meet, just that it was a boy. Mrs. Wellman thought it would be all right. She even said she thought it was good for me to get out of the house once in a while, and that she would handle my mother; so when school was out, I walked toward Rose's house, as if I were going there. But a block away, I kept going, and in about ten minutes, Jim picked me up in front of a gas station we had agreed to meet at.
"His place was nice. He had paintings and knickknacks all around the place. He was from Florida, and he had a lot of pictures of him water-skiing, diving, and swimming. We were a little ill-at-ease for a few minutes, but when he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom, I just melted. I was trembling, but it wasn't from fear. He undressed me, piece by piece, kissing every part he exposed as he took off part of my clothing. He kissed my breasts, one by one, fondling the other with his hand while he nibbled at my nipples with his mouth. When I was down to just my panties, he ran his tongue all over my stomach, even sticking it into my navel and giving me an extra little kick. Then he slid my panties off, and he sat there a moment, just eating me up with his big, blue eyes. He bent his head and placed his mouth on the lips of my cunt and he began to kiss them, high at first, then going lower and lower, sticking the end of his tongue inside and exploring as he went down. Then he used his fingers to spread the lips of my cunt, and he crawled up between my legs when I spread them wide, and he began to tongue my pussy, concentrating on keeping pressure and friction on my clit with every stroke. "I had thought that it was exciting to have Les put his fingers inside me and play with my knob, but Jim was a thousand times better with his tongue. Then he did the most surprising and thrilling thing that I had ever felt! He rolled me over on my stomach, spread my legs and then my ass cheeks, and he began to lick my asshole! He put his thumb and forefinger up inside my cunt and rolled my clit around, making it throb with excitement, and at the same time, he kept digging his tongue into my asshole. It was like having two different doors opened to hot, soothing waters, and my whole bottom part was alive with pleasure.
"It only took me a minute to have an orgasm, and it kept coming again and again, in waves, until I had at least three. Jim kept up his actions until I collapsed completely, drained of every emotion except that good after-feeling that comes when you've had a really good orgasm. I didn't see how he could top that, no matter what he did, and I was eager to please him, too.
"I rolled over and moved down and unzipped his pants. His cock was bulging out the front of them, and I took it out and began to skin back the foreskin, jerking him off. He sat up, leaning back on his hands, and I crawled down between his legs and began to mouth his hot prick. I tickled the head of it and the little pee-hole with my tongue. I washed it with my tongue and lips, and as he began to moan with pleasure, I shoved as much of it as I could manage into my mouth and down my throat. I began to suck, while I moved my mouth up and down on his prick, and with my other hand I played with his balls.
"I was surprised how much I could take into my mouth, but then, I wasn't scared this time, and I wasn't being forced so that it choked me. I could control how deep I let it go, and I could look up and see by the hazy look in Jim's eyes that he was on the same cloud that I had just come down from.
"He reached down and pushed on the back of my head, speeding up the movements, and I knew he was ready to come. I sucked harder and moved up and down on his prong, and in a few seconds I felt the hot flow of his come in my mouth. It felt good to be able to be that close to someone-someone who really liked you and wasn't an animal, and I just kept on sucking and swallowing, using my tongue to reach and caress every bit of his cock. Jim kept moaning my name, over and over, and I felt so wonderful that I just wanted to go on making him happy this way, forever.
"After he had come, I made him get hard again by playing with his cock, then sucking on it, and he turned me around so that he could reach my cunt while I was sucking his cock. He told me that was the 'sixty-nine' position, and when I asked why it was called that he told me to imagine a figure 6 and a figure 9, side by side. I got the idea then.
"He licked and sucked my cunt, using long strokes with his tongue so that he ended up licking my asshole each time. I sucked and tongued his cock, and even nibbled at it a little with my teeth, and it made him jump a little and moan with joy. It took both of us a little longer this time, and I came twice before he came once, but when it was over, Jim crawled up beside me and put his arms around me. He kissed my lips-and my hair, then my nipples, and all the time he kept saying how wonderful I was, and that I was a 'sweet little girl doll,'-things like that.
It thrilled me to be loved that way, and I wished it would never stop.
"We saw each other quite a bit after that. Mrs. Wellman never suspected a thing. She trusted me completely, and she also felt extra sorry for me for what had happened to me with Les. She was a nice old lady, and everything was working out good. I had all the attention and love I ever dreamed of with Jim, and I wasn't afraid any longer.
"We talked about regular fucking sometimes, but he knew that I was still scared of it, so he gradually worked around to asking me if he could put his cock up my asshole. I was so in love with him by that time that I would have tried anything. He had been tonguing and licking my asshole from the very beginning, and I was becoming, so used to it that if he didn't fool with it, fingering or licking it, it seemed that I was being cheated out of some extra pleasure.
"He told me he would use vaseline, and that if it did hurt me, I should let him know and he'd stop. Finally, we did try it, and it did hurt some, but he was playing with my clit with his fingers while he was cornholing me, and I hardly felt any pain. In fact, it didn't really hurt much more than when you have to take a shit real bad, and can't get to a toilet right away. I know that he didn't shove it all the way in-not that first time. He was so gentle, so thoughtful to see that I was being taken care of by his fingers on my clit.
"I didn't even once think about Les. Jim was just too wonderful to me. He blotted out everything else. He took me out of the lonely world I lived in and made me feel important-like I was the most special thing in the world.
"After a while, it got so that we could just tell when the other one was going to come, and we could hit it right on the minute-the very second, sometimes!
"But I guess it must have been too hard for Jim, not being able to have me the way he wanted-the real way, as he always called it. He began to beg me to let him do it to me-to fuck me. And I wanted to, so badly, but when he even got me on my back and got his cock out, I froze in terror again. I didn't want to resist, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to be screwed by Jim, but it was as if there was something inside me that turned a key in a lock. All I could do was to lie there shaking, begging him not to.
"I know he didn't mean to, but one afternoon Jim just lost his head. He began to slap me across the face, first one hand and then the other. I began to bleed from my nose and my lips, but I couldn't make a sound. I deserved it. I had pushed Jim too far for any man to be able to stop; I didn't mean to, but I did. I loved him. I wanted him to screw me the regular way. It was my fault. Or, in a way, it was Lester's fault! He did that to me! He made me so scared that I couldn't give Jim what he wanted-what I wanted, too!
"I didn't mean to scream. I don't know where it even came from. He didn't mean to hurt me, and even if he did, I deserved it!"
* * *
A neighbor in an adjoining apartment heard Shirley's screams. He entered and pulled the dazed teacher off the girl. He was subsequently charged with rape and convicted, in spite of Shirley's protests in his behalf. The sentence was five years, and Shirley was ordered to have psychiatric care, which she underwent for almost five years. When she was eighteen, she left her home without warning and eventually came to Los Angeles, where she took a job as a waitress.
It is apparent that Shirley had become a partial masochist, blaming herself for Jim Cor-win's fate and feeling that she deserved to be abased and degraded. This, of course, interfered directly with any normal relationship she might have had with men, and she eventually enrolled in a school of self-help through self-hypnosis.
Fortunately for Shirley, she was able to master the knack of cleansing her mind of the inhibitions that had been put there by two men, her stepfather and her lover.
In the same class was a young man named Rocco Lobello (not his real name), who was interested in learning hypnosis in connection with his ambition to become a psychologist. We shall let Shirley finish her story in her own way.
* * *
"I don't know when I first began to notice Rocky. When I did, I felt-different. I felt at ease with him. With the others in class, I felt as if they were all looking right through me, seeing all the fears that I still had and all the filth that I'd been mixed up in. But Rocky was different. He seemed interested in me, as a person, not as just another mixed-up chick.
"About the third class, he asked me to have a sandwich with him after class, and I did. We began to date, and do you know, it was my first real date! It was as if we were a couple of kids, because he had been so busy working for his education that he hadn't had time for dates-nor the money, and even though I was eighteen and he was twenty-three, we acted like a couple of high school kids. We would hold hands while we walked along the street, or get two straws and one big soda-silly things like that.
"I was concentrating terribly hard on the course, and I was making headway. My whole outlook was different. At work, the other girls were always telling me that I acted like a little mouse with the men customers-especially the ones that kidded a lot and asked for dates. But I was getting so I could talk and laugh with them, and Rocky helped me a lot. Rocky is a brain, anyway.
"He only had two more years to go to get his degree, and he didn't want to wait that long to get married, so I agreed. But I was worried. I still wondered if I could give myself to Rocky all the way. I knew that he loved me and that I worshipped him, but I kept remembering that I had loved Jim, too-even though it was a young girl's 'puppy love.' It still wasn't strong enough to release all my love and drive the fear out.
"I had to tell Rocky before we were married. I didn't dare risk anything as important as our love and marriage by leaving it to hope or chance, to be worked out. I told him everything, and we talked it all out. Rocky asked me right out if I had really enjoyed anal intercourse, and when I said I had, I was being honest. So, Rocky said that we would begin that way, and gradually, as I became more able to erase Lester and Jim from my subconscious and fill it with Rocky and his love, we would find the answer.
"So we were married. Maybe it sounds kooky to a lot of people to say that we actually started our honeymoon knowing that we could only have anal intercourse, but it is true. Of course, we had oral sex, too, and we spent a wonderful week getting to know the feel of each other's body, our likes and dislikes, our nice ways and the little ones that irritated the other. Maybe we crammed into one week what most couples take years to accomplish, but Rocky said something that meant the world to me the last night of our honeymoon, on the plane home.
"He said, 'Shirley, sweet, I believe with all my heart that when any act of love is uplifting and sweet for both partners, then it's right. This anal intercourse-it has been good and fulfilling for both of us. I want you to know that. And in a few weeks, I know that we will work out the other. In a way, I'm lucky. I've read case histories where males have been driven to prostitutes simply because they were afraid to ask their wife to satisfy them in some special way, like anal intercourse. We don't have that problem. We know that every act of love is sweet and good, and that's going to be our salvation.' "And it was. Inside three months, with love and patience and a lot of hard work on both our parts, Rocky and I were able to have normal intercourse, and it was so breathtakingly wonderful that I can't describe it. It was much more wonderful than for most couples, because Rocky and I had had to fight so hard for it. But it was worth it.
"Today, we have two children, a lovely home, peace and security, and, thank God, no sex hang- ups. We engage in oral and anal sex often, as well as genital/genital intercourse. Including them all adds spice and variety to our love. I doubt if either of us could ever be interested in another person of the opposite sex-sexually, I mean. Why should we be? We have it all."
CHAPTER FOUR
THE CHAINS OF GUILT "I may look young, and in fact I am still a young woman, but I feel like I have lived fifty years, most of it in a nightmare.
"I've learned a lot, and I'm not especially fond of telling about myself, because it isn't a nice story, but I hope that some young girls who are as cocky and dumb as I was will listen and think. I thought that I could make my own rules. I know now that there are certain ones that have to be lived up to, because they come from inside yourself. You can kid the world and 'put on' a thousand persons, but the one person you can't ever deceive is yourself.
"I suppose I'd have to be called a hippie, although I don't dress in kooky, dirty clothes anymore, and I don't go along with a lot of ideas about sexual freedom that I once did. I learned the hard way. I was a real spark plug in my group-a leader, a big wheel. And I thought that sex was just a trading commodity. If you wanted to be popular, be a leader, you traded sex for it. By the time I was fifteen, I had tried pot, speed, and one trip-a 'bummer'-on LSD. Acid is not for me, and I've cut the grass habit. I do take tranquilizers now, but they're prescribed by a doctor, so it's okay.
"I began to have real sex when I was fourteen. Up until then, it had been hot necking in drive-in movies or at the beach, you know-lots of feels, playing with titties, fingering pussies-all that stuff, but not all the way to the real thing.
"Then I began to run with a bunch of 'fasties,'-the ones that were hip to grass and speed-balls. But I'm not blaming them for me getting screwed and sucked and ass-jammed. I was due, anyhow. I couldn't have held out much longer. I wanted it too bad from a couple of the studs I was running with, and if I hadn't given in when I did, they would have taken it whether or not I liked it. Especially Frankie. He was the hotshot, the leader of the bunch I hung around with. He was tough, and he was crazy about wheels, especially motorcycles. It was him that gave me my first marijuana joint, and it was Frankie that got my cherry.
"I guess I'd have to say that Frankie was the first, but that same night at least three other guys made it with me-at least, that's what the others told me later. It was a kind of rule with the gang that once the leader had busted a cherry the girl was up for grabs-unless the leader said she was his only. I guess Frankie picked up the idea from the wild motorcycle gang he once belonged to.
"The thing that bugged me about that whole affair wasn't the idea of having different guys screw me, but that all of them stood around and watched me getting it from everyone. They even clapped and cheered when I got on my hands and knees and let one of the guys 'bugger' me- screw me in the ass. I didn't know that was what he was going to do. I thought he was going to do it to me 'dog fashion' up my pussy, from the rear. That was my first experience with cornhol-ing, and I was half high on Maryjane, so it didn't really register with me much. It hurt some, but I didn't care. I was too glad to get into the bunch and belong.
"I don't want to jump around too much, so maybe I'd better tell you how it all started. I was lucky, really, that I didn't lose my cherry a lot sooner than I did, because I was running with a wild bunch when I was twelve.
"I developed early, and when I was twelve, I had a size 36 bust, and a nice, rounded figure. I had begun to menstruate when I was almost twelve, and I had lots of hair under my arms and on my pussy when I began to date. I used a lot of makeup, even eye-shadow and I could have passed for sixteen or more. I always liked the miniskirts, and I was allowed to do pretty much as I pleased from the time I was about eleven. Not that my parents didn't care, but they both worked, and they were a couple of real swingers themselves-drank a lot, parties two or three times a week-that kind. I don't know if they ever got in with any mate-swapping or sex orgies crowd, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I know that my mother cheated a little on the side, but I just minded my own business, and they left me alone, provided I brought home good grades from school. That's a real laugh to the kids today, because any girl who wants to can bring home good grades by playing up and putting out for a couple of the teachers. In the school I went to, most of the teachers swung right along with the kids-marijuana, even 'smack'-heroin, and I know that most of the kids got their LSD cubes from some teacher-a chemistry prof, I think he was. And screw? God, most of the girls over ten had had it at least a dozen times, yet, with all this shit going on, all most parents care about is that you don't get caught at anything, and that you bring home good marks on your report card.
"So, it was easy for me to be out at most any time I wanted, as many nights a week as I chose-which was just about all of them.
"I used to go for a lot of smart-alecky stuff, and I tried my first pot when I was eleven, my first LSD when I was thirteen, and twice, after Frankie and the others were getting into me regularly, I tried heroin. But it made me awfully sick, and I shied away from it from there on, and I'm thankful that I did. So many of the kids that I used to run with are hooked; it scares me to think that it could have been me.
"The night I lost the whole schmier to Frankie and the rest, we were at a beach 'blowout.' They held them about once a month, and all the cycle clubs from fifty miles around used to head for this lonely stretch of beach about fifty miles up the coast from Los Angeles, heading for Santa Barbara. It wasn't so hot as a beach- stoney and gravelly, but that's what we wanted-a place where too many people didn't come. It was my first one, and I had been hoping to get invited, because I knew that everybody cut loose there, and that if you made it at one of the blowouts, you were 'in' for good.
"I was hung up on Frankie anyhow, and I still don't know why-except maybe because he was the leader, and I always did shoot for the top. I never wanted the losers'-the second bananas in the bunch, so Frankie was a challenge to me, and he was playing it cool all the way-making me come to him. I didn't mind that too much. I knew that once I was in. I could swing a pretty big whip. I just knew it from the way the boys all tried to make it with me. And I let them go far enough to make them drool, then I'd cut out and let them masturbate or something.
"I rode out to the beach with a guy called Lennie, and when we got there, there must have been over a hundred guys and girls there. They had tents, fires, plastic coolers of beer, and there was a lot of strong stuff there-I mean 'H' and LSD as well as booze.
"When Frankie spotted me, he waved me over and we went into one of the tents. It was thick with the heavy smell of pot. Five or six were loading up on it, so when Frankie handed me a joint, I lit up and 'got it on' in a hurry. I smoked two sticks, and I began to glow. It was getting dark, and the noise began to get louder, but to me the music from the guitars and bongos was getting sweeter and sexier, and Frankie was looking better all the time. Everybody was be- coming beautiful. Bright colors all around.
"The different clubs didn't mix too much at night, and all of our bunch was right around our tent, and the action was already starting. Twos and threes were on the gravelly beach, messing around, some naked already, and Frankie just grabbed me and we went outside. I was high enough already, but somebody shoved a bottle of beer in my hand and I began to swig away on that, too.
"Frankie cleared a circle near the bonfire they had built, and the rest formed a rough circle-there were about twenty of us altogether. I was shoved out into the middle, and Frankie began to undress. Everybody yelled for me to 'take it off,' so I stripped to the buff, all the time trying to keep time to the sexy, 'stripper' music somebody was playing on a guitar. Everybody was laughing and having a good time, and it all seemed like our own version of a sexy Hollywood beach party movie.
"I really had no idea what I was supposed to do after I stripped, so I just stood there, swaying and shaking my hips and breasts in time to the music. Then Frnakie came out and stood beside me. He had on only a pair of ragged blue jeans, and he kept clapping in time to the music, his eyes glazed with pot, and he kept encouraging me to 'do your thing, baby.' "I could see that he was getting a hard on by the big bulge in the front of his jeans, and I was getting a new and special kick out of all the encouraging remarks I was getting from the onlookers, even though some of the cracks were a little dirty. The guys kept urging Frankie to 'fuck up a storm,' and after a few minutes, he stripped off his pants and let them fall.
"When they saw his rigid cock standing out straight, they all laughed and cheered. Frankie stood there, his hands on his hips, his cock pointing at me. 'Down on it, baby,' he commanded. At first, I didn't quite grasp what he meant. I was too hazy and mixed up from the Maryjane I'd inhaled. But Frankie made it plain. He snarled this time. 'Gobble it! Suck me off!' he ordered, a hard look coming to his face.
"I'd gone too far to back out, even if I had wanted to, which I didn't. I was as high on the excitement and the sexy adventure as I was on marijuana, and I didn't want to lose any face with the gang, now that I was close to being taken into the inner circle. So I dropped to my knees in front of Frankie and took his rod in my hand. I licked the head of it, and when I opened my mouth and began to suck it and play with it with my tongue, everybody cheered and made smart-aleck remarks. Frankie reached down and grabbed my hair and the back of my head and pulled me in close, shoving his cock deep into my throat. It gagged me for a second, but I drew back and let him more or less control the motions. He began to shove it faster all the time, and all at once I felt a big surge of hot, wet liquid shoot into and fill my mouth. All I could do was swallow it, Frankie held my head so firmly. The gang cheered every move I made, it seemed, and I kept on sucking Frankie's cock, so it never did go soft.
"Then he flopped me back on the gravelly sand and got between my knees. He supported his weight with one hand and with the other he guided his prick into my hot slot. When the head of it went in, he collapsed his full weight on me, and it shot his cock up inside me to its full length. It hurt a little, but it thrilled me a lot more than it hurt. I was wet and slimy from being worked up sucking his prick, and after he moved his ass up and down a few times, jamming his cock home to the hilt with each stroke, it began to get to me.
"Frankie wasn't paying any attentionto whether I was coming or not. It was old stuff to him, but it was my first fuck, and I tried hard to cooperate with him, yet enjoy a good come, too. I wanted him to kiss me and say something nice, but he didn't. He just grunted like an animal, while the others jeered and whistled. I did manage to come just before he did, but it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. It wasn't much better than masturbating, because his weight was so heavy on me, and he was really ramming it home hard and deep at the end. When I felt him shoot a load of goop into my cunt, I was al- most relieved. But I was still worked up. I hadn't had a real orgasm-the kind I'd heard other girls talk about, the kind that made you happy all over. But I knew that once I'd made it with Frankie I'd have plenty of screwing from him and some of the others. I didn't think it would come as quickly as it did, though.
"Frankie lay on his back, after he had rolled off me, and jerked on his cock to keep it stiff. He yelled over to a guy named Jilly to join in. Jilly was a big guy, sort of chubby, but tall, with a big, bushy beard and moustache. He walked over and dropped his jeans, and I saw that he had a cock that was even bigger than Frankie's was. It was stiffening as he began to jerk it, and in a minute or two, while he stared at my open cunt, it got as hard as a handlebar.
"Frankie called to me, 'Come over here, baby, and squat down on my prick.' I went over and lowered my body so that he could guide his cock up into my pussy, and when it was firmly in, Frankie pulled me forward so that I was on top of him, and his cock was deep inside me.
"He motioned to Jilly and he came and knelt between our spread legs. I still didn't have any idea what they were going to do, and maybe if I had, I'd have run for my life. Without any warning, Frankie reached down to my ass cheeks and gripped one in each hand, his fingers spreading them wide apart. He gave a couple of shoves with his cock, and then I felt Jilly's beard scratching my neck and his weight felt heavy on my back. The next sensation I had was just plain torment. Jilly took his cock and jammed the rigid prong up my asshole, putting all his weight on the thrust! All I could do was scream, but the others just cheered and Frankie was grinning up at me like a jackass braying.
" 'This is called the "sandwich," baby,' Frankie laughed, and I felt as if I was on fire in my whole lower body as Frankie thrust his cock upward into my cunt and Jilly drove his cock home deep into my sore, aching asshole! I had lost all sensation, and even the fog of the marijuana was disappearing in a gust of pain that seemed to gradually cover my whole body and mind. I couldn't think of anything except how much I hurt, and how I wanted to get this torment over with.
"Jilly must have come first, because Frankie was still pumping away when Jilly crawled off me. He got a dirty handkerchief from his jeans and wiped his cock off. Then he joined the others, watching Frankie finish his come. I was aware that Jilly was making comments about what a delicious asshole I had, and the others agreeing that I was taking it good, and just as I felt the hot juice squirt into my cunt, I think I fainted. I had never passed out on pot before, so it must have been pure pain that knocked me out.
"The next thing I remember, I was lying on my back inside the tent, which was filled with guys and girls, all smoking a joint. When they noticed I had come to, someone handed me a stick, and I began to puff on it. I smoked two sticks, and it numbed the pain in my ass a little. I must have slept, because when I awoke, I was cold, and the tent was empty. I crawled to the front and looked out, and there were only a few of the guys left. Frankie and Jilly weren't there, nor were any of the girls who had come with us. There were two guys, both sound asleep on the ground-or passed out from pot and beer-so I just went back to sleep, still hurting badly. I had an idea that some of the others might have fucked me while I was unconscious, because even my cunt was sore.
"At daylight, one of the guys woke me, and they packed the small tent. One of them took it on his cycle while the other one carried me as a passenger. The sharp wind in my face helped clear my head, but the soreness didn't work out of my body for several days. I squirted warm salt water up my asshole and my cunt, and it seemed to help a little. The more I thought about it, the lousier my 'cherry-busting' seemed to have been. But that was it. I was now a member of the gang, and once I had healed, I knew that I would be able to really enjoy way-out sex. I didn't know if I would ever get used to being fucked in the asshole, but I changed my mind about that, as you'll find out. But at the time, if anyone had told me that I would one day want ass-fucking more that any other kind, I'd have bet they had rocks in their head.
"I stayed clear of them for a week, and finally Frankie stopped me outside school and asked me if I'd turned chicken. When I told him I'd had a lot of schoolwork to do, he just smirked. He knew I was lying, so he put me on the spot and told me there was going to be another sex brawl on Saturday. He told me to be there, and it wasn't just an invitation, it was an order.
"I hitched a ride with one of the guys, and the second session was an exact duplicate of the first, except that this time I didn't get so loaded on pot, and the party only included our own gang. But the action was hot and heavy, and a lot freer. For the first time, I had a girl go down on me and several of the guys sucked each other off. I didn't know if I was ready for the bisexual bit, so I begged Frankie to just let me have the 'straight stuff,' with guys only.
"Not that it felt bad when the girl sucked my pussy, but I just felt dirty afterward.
"I know now that screwing me in front of everybody was just the gang's way of showing they were big shots-to gain 'face' before the others who were looking on, cheering and laughing; but at the time, it seemed to be a big kick to me. I felt elated from the marijuana, and I had a heady, powerful feeling from the fact that I could satisfy so many of the boys in the group.
"Later, of course, when I sobered up and had time to think-and, incidentally, to realize how sore my asshole and my pussy were, it took on a different tone. I realized that I had given up my cherry in a wild orgy and that I really hadn't enjoyed it, or hardly realized it was going on.
"I felt ashamed, in a way, but not for the straight fucking, or the cock-sucking I had done, but oddly, I felt ashamed of the ass-fucking. I think it was because of the fact that several of the guys went two ways-they were bisexuals. They would screw a girl, either in the cunt or up the ass, then turn right around and fuck another guy in the asshole. They would leave a girl's pussy, after eating it, then go right to a guy and suck his cock. All this part of the orgy bothered me a lot. I realized that I still wanted to be screwed by a guy who really cared something about me-who would want my needs to be fulfilled.
"I went on a few more of the gang's outings, and they usually ended up in wild sex brawls. It disturbed me a bit, because before I could do anything with any of the guys, I had to get high on something, and I was worried that while I was floating on a marijuana cloud, or was high on LSD, some smart ass would inject me with the heavy stuff, or convince me to sniff some of it. I saw too many of the hooked suckers to want to go that route, and when I tried to get Frankie to have just regular dates with me someplace where we would be alone, he just laughed. He sneered, 'Look, baby, you're just one of a stable of cunts now. You ain't special enough to keep me interested. Maybe some of the other guys might like the idea, but not Frankie.' "It was humiliating, of course, and I just dropped out of the gang completely. A few of them called me to see what was the matter, and I just lied and said that I couldn't get out any more to go with them.
"I told you before that some of the teachers were in with the kids, and even supplied them with pills, marijuana, and LSD. It was my wanting to get some grass that brought me to Jay. Jay was a swinging teacher at school. He drove a flashy sports car, wore wild clothes and he even fought the battle of the beards in our school. He and another male teacher grew long beards, and when the principal squawked, they stood their grounds. It made the paper, but in the end, the school board said it was their right to choose to either shave or not shave, as long as they kept the beards trimmed and clean.
"Anyhow, when I tried to get some grass from one of the girls in the gang, she told me that Jay had all anyone would ever need, and that he was also a good guy to swing with. She said he was a real lover who knew all the ways to turn a girl on and then take her on a 'sex trip' that beat anything she'd ever tried.
"That's how I met Jay, and in the doing, shook the gang of acid-heads and sex freakouts. I also met the first man I ever loved.
"He was a physical education instructor and he also coached the track and football teams, and he was all man. He had muscles that wouldn't quit, cUrly hair and nice white teeth, and when he looked at a girl, it was like he was laughing inside at some private joke.
"I waited outside his office one afternoon when I knew he didn't have any practice sessions scheduled, and after making sure he was alone, I walked in and asked flat out if he'd let me have some grass.
"He laughed and replied, 'Now, what makes you think I have any grass, or if I did have, that I'd sell?' "I reeled off four or five names of kids that had said he peddled it, and he laughed again. 'I'm getting quite a reputation,' he said. 'Did any of the girls tell you that I had a special deal for good-looking chicks-like you?' "I smiled back at him and I guess he could see by my eyes that I was impressed with his body and good looks, as I shook my head no.
"Jay stood up, letting his eyes rove up and down over my body like he was undressing me. 'I heard a little about you, honey,' he leered. 'I think you'll like my deal.' I knew he must have heard about the sex orgies with the gang, and I guess I blushed, though I don't know why.
" 'So, suppose you meet me tonight at seven-thirty, and we'll have our own little pot party?' The leer seemed to be his permanent feature.
" 'Fine,' I smiled back, trying to act nonchalant, as if I were used to being propositioned every day by a grown man. He told me to be in front of a gas station a couple of blocks away from the school, and he was right on the dot, although I was so eager to find out what he was like sexually I showed up a little after seven.
"We got going right away. His place was a long way from the school, in a big apartment building that had a pool and game room and all the other fancy gimmicks that the 'swinging singles' apartments have today. His apartment was nicely furnished, but it looked and smelled masculine. I was wearing only a miniskirt and blouse, with no bra, and I could almost feel his eyes boring into my nipples. He broke out a couple of sticks of grass, and we sat on the couch and smoked, holding each puff in our lungs for a long time, and exhaling it slowly. I began to feel good right away, and when he put his arm around me and touched my breast, I almost caught fire from the tingling, electric shock. I was really turned on for him long before I smoked the grass, and just his touch and his mouth so close to mine made me want to peel right then and get down to the business of fucking.
"He unbuttoned my blouse and began to play with the nipple of one breast. Then he took the blouse off and while he massaged and rolled one nipple around with his fingers, he sucked and nibbled on the other with his mouth. Remember, I wasn't used to this kind of sex, and it really got my pussy flaming hot.
"When he reached up under my skirt and began to play with my pussy, I couldn't stand it any longer. I reached out and grabbed his head and pulled his mouth down to mine and we sucked tongues while he began to shove his finger up inside my cunt until he found my clit and began to play with it.
"I could hardly wait for him to take my panties off, and when he did, he also slipped off his own pants and shorts, then his shirt, and we were both naked, our eyes devouring the other's body from top to bottom.
"His prick was hard and big, and when I touched it, he moved close to me. I was sitting on the couch, and his cock moved to within three inches of my mouth. I knew he wanted it sucked, and I wanted to taste it and feel it in my mouth, so I reached out and began to play with his balls with one hand; with the other I held his cock at the base and guided it into my hot, wet mouth. I used my teeth and tongue and lips, and I sucked and nibbled until I knew he was going to come in my mouth. He had my head in both his hands, sort of guiding the tempo of my head-bobbing, and when he shot into my mouth, he held my head so hard against his body that I couldn't have spit out his come if I had wanted to. I just swallowed it, while he moaned with pleasure. He mumbled, 'Get me hard again, baby,' so I kept on sucking and biting and in a minute, he had another good hard on. He pushed me away, laying me down on the couch and spreading my legs.
"He began at my breasts and he worked his tongue and mouth over every inch of my body- my stomach, breasts, thighs, even my feet! He was getting me so hot that when he began to ream out my asshole with his tongue, I almost came. But I wanted to wait. I wanted to have his cock up inside me, and I just begged him to 'fuck me right.' "When he spread my legs and climbed on me, I reached down and guided his prick up between my cunt lips and he reached behind me and took my ass cheeks in both his hands and he began to pump. He wasn't rough like the gang had been, but he was an expert, because with every plunge of his prick, he rubbed my clit solidly, then a split second later I could feel his lovely cock touching deep inside the walls of my love-box, then his prong would massage my clit again on the way out.
"Meantime, he had worked his hand around so that one of his fingers was going in and out of my asshole, and it made me hit the peak of my explosion that much quicker. I came, and I could tell that he hadn't, so he kept on shoving his cock in and out, speeding up the motions all the time until at last we were in perfect rhythm, just letting our bodies take over. We came at the same time, and I even had a third orgasm a few seconds after Jay came, while he was easing up in his motions. It was as different as day is from night, compared with the gang-banging that had been my only other real sex experience, and I just wanted to lie there and feel his prick inside me, forever.
"He kissed me on the mouth and told me that I was a wonderful lover. He didn't use any of the gutter language that the gang guys had, and it thrilled me to my heels. Then, almost before I knew what he was doing, he slid down and began to kiss and suck my pussy again. I was so excited over him that I came quickly, and while I was still gasping and moaning with pleasure, he rolled me over and pulled me up so that I was on my hands and knees, and then he guided his prick up inside my throbbing cunt and began to fuck me from the back. It was groovy, because his prick went in so much deeper, and he had one hand underneath my body and was sticking a finger up inside my pussy and playing with my clit. It was almost as good coming that way as from the front, and when he came he let go my clit and slammed his cock into me so deep that I could feel his balls slapping against my pussy. He was so deep that it hurt a little, and I yelled, but it was mostly from joy, and not the little bit of pain I had.
"We stopped after that and smoked another joint. I just couldn't take my eyes off him, and while we smoked I kept playing with his prick, getting it hard again, and sucking it a little. He was fingering my pussy and playing with my nipples, and the whole world around me seemed to be filled with beautiful people with beautiful, stiff cocks.
"We topped off that evening by sucking each other off at the same time, and I didn't want to leave him. I had a glow on from the grass, but I knew that half of the heady feeling I had came from Jay and his wonderful sex-stick, his lips and hands. I just couldn't think of anything else, and I masturbated twice before I went to sleep that night, thinking about all the wonderful, exciting things he had done to me. I was in love-not just 'puppy love,' but really, truly, deeply in love. I just couldn't bring my thoughts to bear on anything or anyone else. I really had it bad.
"Next day, I just had to sneak down to see him, and it was hard not to let all my love show. He smiled, and there was a special little something in his eyes that told me that he felt the same way, and nobody else saw it, I'm sure. I managed to slip him a little note asking when we could do it again, and he whispered, 'To- night, same time, same place,' when he walked close to me.
"It was like being on a merry-go-round of sex for the next couple of weeks. I was with Jay every night but two, and we had such wonderful sex. We did it every way but inside out, and each time seemed to be more exciting for me than the last.
"Jay began to worry about somebody catching wise to us, seeing so much of each other, and he said we would have to cool it a little. He even laughed and said, 'Besides, I'm not a sex machine like you.' "I didn't know then that he was seeing some other girls, or I would have called him a liar, because to have sex with them after the sessions we had in the early evenings, he'd have had to have been a sex machine.
"But at the time, nothing could spoil my rosy-colored world. I was walking on the clouds, as if I were on a perpetual 'trip' and I never wanted to come down to earth.
"But when I did, I hit with a thud! It suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't menstruated for two months! I began to panic and I did all the silly things that other girls told me would make me have a miscarriage. I took hot mustard baths; I jumped up and down a hundred times; I got some kind of brown liquid from one of the girls and took that, but nothing changed. I still wasn't menstruating, and I finally got so scared when it began to show a little that I had to tell Jay. I was afraid-afraid that he'd turn away from me, but he didn't. He took it pretty calmly and said he wished I had told him sooner, but I couldn't help it, because I'd been 'out of this world' with joy and love for him. It sounds stupid, I know, but I just didn't even think of it.
"He said we'd have to work an abortion, and he would arrange for it within a few days. I was pretty scared, but I had no choice, I had to trust Jay and take my chances with an abortion. What was bothering me more than anything was Jay's attitude. He was cool at first, and as the days passed and he wasn't able to arrange anything, he got crabby and snappish with me. He would grumble, 'Don't bug me, goddamnit! If you weren't so goddamned stupid, we wouldn't be in this mess!' "He was blaming me! All I had done was be crazy about the guy, and he was abusing me just because I had given him all the sex he wanted! And I was scared that my mother would notice, A couple of the girls at school were looking at me with a knowing sneer, and I knew I had to do something quick. Jay was the only one I could turn to for help, and he was getting angrier and angrier. I began to be sick often, throwing up and nervous, trying to hide the real reason from everyone, and finally I called Jay and told him that unless he did something fast, I was going to have to tell my parents.
"That shook him up pretty good, and he called me to his office the next day and told me that he had lined up an abortionist who would do the job on the following Sunday.
"On Sunday, I told my parents I was going to the beach, which turned out to be almost the truth, because Jay picked me up and drove to the waterfront. In a dingy section that had only some smelly, broken-down fishing boats and a couple of houseboats, he took me onto this cruddy looking houseboat. The doctor-if he was a doctor-was Mexican, and he had a small room fixed up like a clinic. Just an examining table, some anklets on slings from the low ceiling, and a cabinet of instruments. The place smelled like hell, and I got more scared every minute, while Jay paid the guy in advance.
"He gave me a shot, and that's all I remembered for a long time. He must have put me on the table and fastened my ankles with the slings and then began his butchery-and that's the word for it.
"When I came to, I was in Jay's car and I was on fire with pain. I was actually delirious, because I can't remember much of what happened. I don't recall anything that Jay said or did, but I finally ended up in a hospital. Jay only took me to the door and saw that I made it into the hall, and then he panicked and ran. I remember fainting and falling, and then nothing. I came to the next afternoon, and my mother was sitting beside me, a sick expression on her face.
"I hadn't had any identification on me, but my parents had notified the police that I was missing, and the hospital notified the police that they had an unknown teenager who had had an illegal abortion performed.
"I stayed in the hospital for two weeks, that's how bad the bastard had carved me up. An infection had set in, and for a while it was touch and go as to whether I would make it or not. Most of the time when I was awake, I wished I wasn't. My mother and a police matron kept questioning me about who had done the job, and where-and my mother kept hammering me about who had gotten me pregnant. I got the idea that she was more interested in revenge than in my physical condition, so I got stubborn and wouldn't talk at all.
"When they finally released me, I found that Jay had gone. He had resigned and just left, with no forwarding address or anything. I guess I cried real tears for the first time in my life, but it was partly tears of shame and anger, as well as a lonesome, lost feeling. My parents were cold and my father hardly spoke to me. They enrolled me in a private girls' school, and I finished my high school there.
"I had a lot of lesbian offers, but I was frozen inside toward sex-with males or females. I studied hard and got good marks, and when I graduated, I talked my parents into sending me to college in a town a hundred miles away, where I studied art. I picked up some money to help pay my way by posing nude for classes, and sometimes for photographers for some of the men's magazines that feature semi-nude models.
"I met Harry there. He was an art student, and the sweetest guy in the world. I guess I loved him from the beginning, but I felt ashamed and afraid, for I couldn't see how any man would want to touch me, once he found out what I'd been-a cheap gang-banger with a pussy all carved up by an abortionist.
"But as Harry grew more serious, and finally asked me to marry him, I had to do a lot of thinking. I wanted him so badly as a husband and as a lover, but I was too gun-shy. I still remembered the empty feeling I'd had when I found that Jay had deserted me when I needed him most. And I knew that I had some bad psychological scars from him, from the motorcycle gang, from smoking pot, and mostly, from the abortion. I almost wanted to just run away, so I couldn-'t hurt Harry. I loved him too much."
* * *
From a psychological viewpoint, it is easily understood why Peggy reacted as she did to her harrowing experiences. Barely into her teen years, she had been debauched shamefully by the gang of immoral punks with whom she associated-so much so, in fact, that she was fair game for any male who would treat her with any degree of gentleness, or show her the slightest consideration in the performance of the sex acts.
That she was in love with Jay is doubtful. It was more of a natural infatuation for an older, gentler man, and when he deserted her, she began to feel the shame and anger that she used as a wall to keep out her parents and all others who might have been able to help her at the time. In a sense, it was miraculous that she did not turn to lesbianism, as many other girls have, simply because of a deep mistrust and hatred of males, after being used and abused the way she was.
However, when she did find a truly decent man, she had developed a severely punishing case of paranoia and she had strong masochistic tendencies, feeling that she deserved all the torment she was undergoing. As Peggy matured in her thinking, she became more and more ashamed and withdrawn; thus, when she met Harry, she was in an in-between world of love (for him) and hate and distrust for all other males-and most females, because of her revulsions toward lesbianism.
Unlike many girls, Peggy realized that time was running out on her if she were to straighten out her life and hope to find any real happiness.
Thus, when she admitted to herself that she had been living in a nightmare world of sex and drugs, and that at last a man had appeared who loved and wanted her for herself and not just for her sexual companionship, she decided to make a clean breast of it to Harry, and take proper steps to regain psychological normalcy, However, it wasn't an easy task. There were many weeks and days of torment, as Peggy relates it.
* * *
"I knew that Harry wanted me, and I finally found the key that unlocked my own desires again, but I couldn't open my frozen sex up. I had a real fear hangup, and yet I couldn't tell Harry about it. We used to make wild love almost every night, and we both wanted to go all the way, but it almost turned into a tragedy before I had the courage to tell him all about the crummy people that had helped make me a sexy ice cube. "After we talked about marriage and set a time-after Harry had found a good commercial artist's job-we were more free with each other. We almost felt like we were married, and when I would dream and fantasize about screwing and sucking him, I just couldn't break down that wall. I masturbated like mad, but I couldn't even come.
"One night, after Harry had sold a painting for a good sum, we celebrated with champagne and I got pretty glowing. I decided that I wanted to make a stab at sex, and I just came right out and told Harry, 'I want you to have intercourse with me,' trying to be real ladylike and adult about it. 'But first,' I said, 'I want you to kiss me all over my body, and let me kiss you. I want us both to be sure that we are going to be able to completely satisfy the other's needs in the sex department.' "Harry didn't need any urging, and there was no real prudishness about him. It was just that we both wanted our marriage to be so wonderful that we had waited-or at least that was Harry's reason. I had posed nude for him many times, and he had kissed by breasts and played with them, but that was about as close to fucking or anything that approached the real thing that we ever did. Anyhow, I stripped, and Harry took off all his clothes.
"We danced-believe it or not. We put on a slow, dreamy record and we danced, holding each other real close. It took Harry only a couple of minutes to come up with a good hard on. He was so wonderful with me. Every touch was a love gesture, and he was murmuring wonderful love words to me all the time, kissing my eyes, my hair and ears-giving me all the kind of love I'd only dreamed about for so long.
"When he picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, I was sure that I'd won the battle inside me. His hands set me afire and his lips and tongue were like hot, exciting flames shooting into my body. I lay on the bed, my legs spread, watching as Harry moved over my breasts and stomach with his lips, tongue, and teeth. Finally he spread my legs wider, then the lips of my cunt and I felt his tongue slip in-and yet, in a way, I couldn't feel it. I mean, I felt it with my cunt-but nothing else. I felt it physically, but it didn't do anything to me, anymore than my masturbating had done. It was like I was two persons, split apart, unable to merge into one body. One wanted. Harry so desperately, but the other kept pushing him away, and seeing other faces and bodies in his place.
"I tried to tell myself I was being childish-that I couldn't get pregnant from his sucking and licking my cunt, but it didn't help. Finally he sensed that I wasn't responding at all, and he drew back and lay beside me, fondling my breasts and my ass cheeks, while he asked me what he was doing wrong! When he asked that, sounding so forlorn, blaming himself for my rottenness, I began to cry. That's all I could do.
"He held me like a little girl, not sexy, just lovingly, and at last I was able to stop, and I tried to tell him-to pour it all out. But it took a long time-a lot of nights-and that night all I could do was to ask him to be patient with me. I did try to suck him off, but he just couldn't respond. He was beginning to have guilt feelings, and we discovered later that it made him a little impotent at the time, before he discovered that he wasn't at fault at all.
"We kept trying, and one night poor Harry was so frustrated that he was moaning in pain. He had had a hard on for almost an hour, and all I could do was play with it a little. I tried to suck it, but Harry had built a sort of aversion to it. He was bullheaded. He wanted to prove to me, but mostly to himself, that we could have good sex-the regular way, and fulfill the honest love we did have for each other.
"It was Harry that finally made the breakthrough. He couldn't help himself, poor guy. He was all stiff and I was lying on my stomach, and he was trying to put his cock in my pussy from the back. I had some crazy notion that, if I didn't see it, and tried not to think about the other times, it would work. But it didn't. My pussy just tightened up and every muscle that had anything to do with it seemed locked. Harry tried and tried to force his cock inside my cunt, but it just wouldn't work. All at once, I heard him say, 'Forgive me, Peggy... forgive me, but I've got to... I've got to!' "A second later, I felt his cock beginning to go up my asshole! It hurt a little at first, but when I heard Harry begin to moan with pleasure, and felt him settle into the rhythm he needed, I was so happy that I just lifted up so he could go in deeper, and I moved my hips to try to cooperate with every thrust he made. It didn't particularly excite me, but it thrilled me to hear Harry groaning, 'You're so wonderful... so tight and sweet... please forgive me... and for the first time, I felt that I was really giving him what he needed so badly and what I wanted to give... sexual thrills and satisfaction. I was so aware of my love for him at that moment, that when I felt his hot juices shoot up my asshole it made me feel like a woman. That may sound funny, but it's the straight truth!
"After he had come, Harry shuddered with joy and collapsed on my body, his cock still inside my asshole. He kept mumbling over and over, 'Forgive me, sweet, please... please... I had to!' "But it was the first opening of the door, and we were able to talk, at last. I asked him if he felt guilty or 'dirty,' doing it that way. He told me a hundred times that it was wonderful, and that he felt as I did, that anything which pleases two people in the sex line couldn't be wrong, evil, dirty or perverted. It could only be good.
"I was able to tell him a little about why I froze when he attempted to have normal genital-to-genital intercourse. I left out a lot of the details, but I did tell him that I had gotten pregnant, panicked, and had an abortion. Of course, it hurt Harry, but it didn't change his feelings for me. In fact, he became more under- standing as we went along.
"We engaged in anal intercourse often after that night, and gradually we worked it out so that Harry could reach around or underneath me while I was on my hands and knees and massage my clit as he entered my asshole with his cock. It took quite a few weeks of trying before I was able to have even a halfway good orgasm, but I began to see a psychiatrist, and inside a month we were working it out pretty well.
"When I was ready at last, it was so simple I don't know why I even had to have it pointed out to me, but then, a stranger can see things objectively. The answer was there all the time, if I'd only not been so frightened of pregnancy.
"Although I was cut up pretty badly by the abortionist, I was still perfectly able to have children. We had talked about that, and Harry and I were in agreement that we did want a small family. Finally, I reached the point in my analysis where I could tell myself, and believe, that I didn't care if I got pregnant by Harry-even before we were married. I loved him. He loved me. We both wanted children. It was that simple!
"I had learned a workable form of self-hyp-nosis, and finally I was able to put myself in a state of not only accepting normal intercourse, but actually wanting it. When Harry worked me up to it by kissing me on almost every inch of my body, I was shivering with the need and desire for his cock inside my cunt, and when he got on top of me, we both were delirious with need and joy. We kept up a constant stream of kisses, sweet words and soft touches, and when Harry slid his prick inside my cunt lips and I felt it begin to rub my clitoris, it was like I'd never had another man! It was as if I were a virgin, giving my full love for the first time to my man-and in my subconscious mind, that was exactly what was happening!
"We've been married three years now, and we have a little boy. We want a girl some day, but meantime our lives are so full of happiness that we can wait. Our marriage is ideal, because we have no hangups of any sort. We often have anal intercourse, because I know that it is a treat for Harry, as a change. But usually, we begin by arousing each other by fellatio and cunnilin-gus, and sometimes we go on until we both come that way. But it often ends with just plain, old-fashioned fucking. We don't use the same positions always. We have discovered that variety is the spice of sex life, and we try everything that either of us suggests. If it isn't just right for both, we discard the idea for the future.
"I can't say I'm glad that it all happened the way it did, but I feel that since we've worked it out I'm a much fuller woman. Harry says that I am the most perfect sex partner a man could ever ask for, and I know from sad experience that he is the perfect man to share my bed and body and my life. I can't ask for more.
"As to anal intercourse, it was a lifesaver for me, and since I've been able to analyze it calmly, I can see why a man would enjoy it once in a while. A woman's pussy does get larger, and I become extremely lubricated when Harry excites me, which makes for less friction for his prick. But my asshole is still tight, Harry says, and there is no problem when he feels in the mood for anal intercourse. I can come while he masturbates me and ass-fucks me, and there is a special inner satisfaction that a woman feels when she knows for certain that she is pleasing her man in every sex act that they perform.
"I'm a strong believer in the importance of sex satisfaction for a good marriage. Harry and I fight sometimes, but it always ends with our bodies joined, because, sometimes, the words won't come out-they get jammed up at a pride barrier-but our bodies can't lie to each other. We know, when we are joined, how much love can be told by any sex act, if two persons truly want to love and be loved?"
CHAPTER FIVE
A CHOICE OF EVILS "I wanted to become a nun when I was a little girl. My ideal was one of my teachers in parochial school, Sister Mary. She was so pretty, so happy and alive, that I used to think she was the ideal woman-the one that I wanted to pat- tern myself after when I grew up.
"But when I turned twelve, and my body began to develop-curves making my ass and my hips attractive, my breasts becoming nice and round, with pretty pink nipples, and my face beginning to seem pretty-I began to take a second look at myself, inside as well as outside. I guess I was vain, but I didn't want to cover up my pretty body and my long, black hair. I liked the way the boys used to eye me from head to foot; some of them used to make grabs for my breasts and ass. Some of them were more sneaky-but they got in their feels, and I got goose pimples on my arms and neck, especially when one of them touched my pussy, even though it was only through my dress.
"But I had a rough time every time I would feel myself getting hot. My conscience would bother me. Remember, I was thinking of becoming a teacher and a nun, and all my life I had been schooled and cautioned about sex. It was sinful and harmful, according to my parents, my teachers, and most of the associates and family members... and they were all willing to talk about it all the time.
"Anyhow, my body kept wanting boys, but I was scared stiff inside. I remember that I started to play with myself a lot when I was about ten; Somehow, that didn't seem to be a sin, because all the instructions and warnings I had had involved boys and men, so as long as a man wasn't doing it to me it was all right, I thought.
"I went to an all-girl school when I left grade school, and I began to learn a lot about sex, right from the beginning. That was about all everyone talked about or thought about, it seemed. Some of the girls claimed they had already been screwed but I think most of them lied. But I know one thing was the truth: they were all ripe to be had, though most of them were all talk. That's why so many of them were experimenting with lesbianism. My first taste of it came right off the bat.
"Ella was sixteen and she was a real big wheel in school. She was smart, and she was shrewd. She would start a lot of things; then when they turned sour, Ella always had a patsy standing by to take the blame. And she was as sexy as hell, but not particular which sex she fooled with. She latched onto me right from the beginning, and I was too dumb to really think anything of the way she used to feel my breasts and run her hand over my stomach. She'd always pay me a nice compliment, and then she would kiss me on the cheek or nose, acting real casual about it all. I noticed the tingle that I got when she felt me, and even when she began to kiss me closer to the lips. I could feel her tongue, just flicking out a little, touching my skin, and it began to bother me a lot. I didn't know what to make of the strange feelings I had, but when I masturbated, I found myself seeing Ella's face and feeling her lips and hands on my body.
"She made her move one day when we were showering after gym class. I had grown kind of used to having her touch my breasts and stomach, but this time, we were alone, the last ones in the shower-a big, open place that had about twelve shower heads, so a lot of girls could shower at the same time.
"Ella waited deliberately, and she knew we would be alone in a few moments. She asked if I wanted my back washed and without waiting for an answer, she began to rub my back, using a washcloth with one hand and her bare hand to follow up. She knew all the right spots, because in less than a minute, I was tingling all over-especially in the pubic area. Ella kept on going, moving down my body, then moving to the front. She rubbed between my thighs, then my cunt, my breasts and stomach until, at the end, she was down on her knees in front of me.
"I can still see the light in her eyes as she opened the lips of my pussy and began to lick it and stick her tongue in. The water was spraying down on her face, splashing off my body, and it was cool. The contrast between her hot tongue and the cool water really made me aware of what she was doing to me, and I couldn't help myself-I grabbed her by her wet hair and pulled her face tighter against my cunt. She sucked hard and nibbled my clit with her teeth, and before I knew what was happening, I felt a hot flash begin at my clit and spread over my whole body. It was almost as if I was getting an electric shock standing in water.
"Ella was making sucking noises that were louder than the shower, and raking her fingernails over the cheeks of my ass and I was wriggling around like mad. When I came, she got off her knees and pulled me close and shoved her tongue down my throat, and it shocked me-it sounds strange, I suppose, but it shocked me when she kissed me like that, much more than when she had sucked my cunt ! I guess I realized for the first time that I was being seduced by a woman! All at once, I was afraid-not of being caught, but of the feelings that were going on inside me. I liked it, and I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't help myself. I just opened my mouth wider and sucked in her tongue and bit it a little, shoving mine into her mouth, just letting myself go.
"Ella massaged my breast with one hand and with the other, she masturbated me. I was ramming my ass back and forth, ready to come again. Neither of us were even aware that the water was still showering down on us, but we moved away from under the shower head and almost as if I were in a trance, I found myself down on my knees in front of her. She spread her legs wide and bent her knees so I could get closer, and I spread the wet hair around her cunt and began to tickle the outer lips and the little knob inside with my tongue. The more she reacted, the hotter I got. I moved closer and grabbed her ass with both hands and pulled her open pussy to my mouth. I began to lick her knob, then nibble at it with my teeth-it was almost as if I'd done it a thousand times. At least, Ella was responding to it as if she had never enjoyed anything as much, and I felt her clit begin to bounce up and down as she started to come. It drove me almost wild, and I really began to bite and suck. She moaned and winced with the pain-pleasure I was giving, and finally, she stopped her movements and I felt her clit action die down to nothing. I came to, as if I'd been passed out, and I stayed there on my knees when Ella backed away. I didn't want to look at her face, and I didn't want to look into a mirror. I was ashamed. I knew that we weren't seen, but in my heart, I felt that God had seen, and I wanted to die.
"All the teachings I'd ever had about the wickedness of sex seemed to be choking me. Right there on my knees, I threw up violently. I heaved until I thought my insides were coming out. Ella didn't do a thing. She just stood there with a strange look of disdain and triumph on her face, when I stole a glance at her. It was obvious that she felt no shame, and that she had little use for me because I did.
"I suppose you wonder what all this has to do with anal intercourse, but you'll see later on that it really cornered me. I couldn't go the lesbian route, and I just couldn't shake all my teachings from the Church. You'll see. Anyhow, I just vomited my guts out there on the floor of the shower, and Ella just walked away.
"I finally turned on the cold water arid stood there, sobering up, in a way, because I had been on a sex binge that had the same effect as if I'd drunk a gallon of booze. I even had a hangover. But the cold water on my skin finally drove the nausea away, but it couldn't wash away the feeling of dirtiness that was deep inside me.
"Ella wouldn't leave me alone after that. She used our sex scene as blackmail, threatening to tell our Mother Superior, the Father that was in charge-even my parents. But she was cool about it-she just cornered me every day, somehow, somewhere... and all she would say was, 'When, baby?"
"I had a lot of time to think about it, and the funny thing was that I didn't have any desire to masturbate, remembering her sucking me, and my sucking her. I guess I was a real mental case for a while, because I was torn between telling Ella I would meet her and going to the confessional and blabbing the whole thing to a priest. Unless you've been Catholic, you couldn't know what all this could do to you, but I was really ripped up inside. I admit, I liked what Ella had done, and I guess I wanted more, but the religious beliefs I had buried inside me were too strong. I felt I had sinned, and I didn't even know how to get on my knees and confess, or to go and tell it to anyone-most of all, a priest.
"Ella kept after me to have another sex session alone somewhere. She said we could really relax and enjoy it so much more, and she kept inviting me to her house to spend the night. She said it would be easy, because she had girl friends over often, and nobody ever thought anything when they slept together. But I was still jittery inside, and I kept telling her I didn't want to do it anymore, ever. It was a lie, and she knew it, because she smiled knowingly and always said, 'If you change your mind, just let me know.' "Then I had my first date with a boy. We went to a party-a masquerade, and we played post office. We all had numbers and somebody went into the bedroom and called another person's number-the girls were even numbers and the boys odd. The boy I went with, Rick, was all hands and tongue, the first time we were together. He felt my breast with one hand and with the other, he ran it up under my skirt and inside my panties before I could stop him. When I started to tell him to stop it, he just shoved his tongue into my mouth and kept it there.
"I began to zing all over when he slid his finger into my cunt and played with my clit. His fingers were kneading the nipple of my breast and I was turning on from head to toe. Before I realized it, I was squirming, rubbing my cunt into his hand, sucking his tongue deep into my mouth, and I could feel his cock bulging out against his pants. He started to take my panties down when I panicked again. I just couldn't do it. I wanted it badly but I was too scared of God punishing me.
"I pushed him back and told him to stop it, that I couldn't do it. He got snotty and pushed me down on the bed. He snarled at me as he unzipped his fly and took out his cock. He held it in his hand, pointing at my face and said: 'You cock-teaser, you can't get a guy all hard like this and then not do anything about it. Suck it!' "I was shaking, partly from fright and partly from desire to be fucked-to feel that nice prick inside my hot, hungry pussy. But Rick's words suddenly gave me an idea. I would suck it, and he could suck my cunt. There weren't any rules about not doing that, at least that I had heard of. I sat up quickly and reached out and pulled him close. I took his hand off his cock and held the shaft of it in my hand, moving the loose skin back and forth, up and down, while Rick was so surprised he just stared down at me wide-eyed. I bent my head and took the head of it in my mouth, tickling it with my tongue.
"Rick began to move it in and out, but I kept my hand on the shaft so he couldn't go too deep. But while he was pushing it in and out, he was also getting the friction from my hand on it, squeezing it, and in a minute or so, he surprised me and shot a load of hot, sticky juice into my mouth. I should have known that he was coming, by his faster pushing, but I was still naive about that sort of thing. I remember thinking with relief that at least I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant, because it had to be shot into my cunt to do that.
"Rick handed me his handkerchief and I spit it all into it. He had a dazed, happy look on his face, and I laid back down on the bed and spread my legs wide. Take off my panties and suck mine,' I ordered.
"He looked as if I'd slapped him. He roared at me, 'What do you think I am, a cunt-lapper? You got a lot of nerve, you lousy little cock-sucker!' "I came up like a jack-in-the-box, scratching and kicking at him, and he finally ran out of the room, zipping up his fly while I was beating on his back with my fists. I just followed him out, with everybody staring at us, and he kept right on running out the front door. I just stood there, aware of all the eyes on me, and the snickering going on, and I began to bawl. I grabbed my coat-I was dressed in a fairy-like costume, and it was thin, gauzy material-and I ran out. I was cold, but I was too upset to care. I think I ran all the way home, and went right to my room. My parents were out for the evening, too, and I just laid there and cried. I was so ashamed of myself. I had sucked a boy's cock, and I had made a fool of myself by asking him to suck my cunt. And all my friends laughed at me afterward. "I hadn't been so humiliated in my life, and I was so lonesome. I felt as if no one really cared about me. I went to the phone and called Ella. She was home, and I asked her if she could come over. I told her I was alone, and she got the message. She said she'd be over in ten minutes, that her dad would let her have the car.
"I was nervous, waiting for her. I guess I knew that I wanted to have sex with her. I was still upset because of the way Rick had gotten me all worked up, then left me like that. I was a little fearful that Ella might just play a hard-to-get game, to get even with me for turning her down so often. I was in a real paranoid dither, and I was afraid of everyone hurting me again.
"But Ella was as sweet as pie. She walked in and put her arms around me and kissed me on the mouth-a tender, nice kiss, with her tongue just flicking into my mouth a little.
"It made everything all right for me, and I began to kiss her passionately, feeling her breast and her ass as I sucked her tongue deep into my mouth. Ella broke away and grinned. 'Wow! Are you ever ready!' she said. 'Let's not waste time.' "We went into my room and quickly undressed. I could hardly wait to have her pretty mouth close on my cunt, and I wanted to taste and smell hers, to nibble her clit and feel her body trembling under my lovemaking.
"Ella knew how hot I was, and when I jumped onto my bed, she almost leaped after me. I spread my legs, wanting her to go right to my cunt with her kisses, but she turned around so that we were facing each other, upside down, and she moved her cunt close to my mouth as she bent and began to open my cunt lips with her fingers. Then her tongue snaked in, and set me afire. She began to run her fingers in deep while she nibbled and sucked on my clit, and I grabbed her ass cheeks and pulled her down on my face, my tongue and lips sucking, licking, hungry to taste her pussy and give it all the delights she was giving to mine.
"I came three times in that position, and I think Ella came even more, and after that I was hooked good. I had begun to build up a fear and resentment of boys, and it showed plainly. I wasn't even decent to most of them, and before I knew it, most of them were calling me a 'queer.' Not to my face, but I overheard them a few times, referring to me as a 'cunt-loving queer.' "I tried not to let it bother me, but it did. I began to get extremely nervous. I didn't eat right and I got awfully thin. I began to keep to myself-I didn't even see Ella for a month, and I missed a lot of school and did poorly when I did attend. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. I went to confession and told the priest everything!
"He was pretty disturbed, and he told me I had to do a lot of penance and that I should make a novena-that's a nine-day prayer and penitence thing-and ask God to help me conquer my sinful nature. I did, but it didn't change anything. I felt like a freak. I used to look at myself in the mirror and wonder what kind of freakish female I was, to love another girl, and to want her to make love to me.
"I told my mother and father that I wanted to change schools, and they were so concerned about my weight loss and my withdrawn attitude, they agreed. I was sick and tired of girls. I hated them now almost as badly as I had hated boys. Of course I blamed myself, but I wanted to have a change of environment, so I went to a public high school."
Maria may be quite typical in her motivations for sex with both girls and men. Psychiatrists have had a difficult time, until recently, in probing the religious hangups of their patients, but today's youth has largely moved away from the church and its precepts, and casebooks are filled now with the testimony of many men and women who suffered untold agonies of the spirit because their religious beliefs were in sharp conflict with their sex appetites.
Most persons do not engage in exotic or deviate sex acts without strong inner compulsions. In Maria's case, she would have drifted into normal heterosexual relations had she not been inhibited by her fears of being "sinful." The sex drive is too powerful to be completely dammed, and most humans will go to any extreme to provide an outlet for it, just as our subject did.
For centuries, submissive churchgoers were too frightened to revel, so deviate sex acts "went underground," so to speak. Today, however, part of the sexual revolution involves leading clergymen, including many priests and ministers, who advocate strongly that sexual freedom be granted to all.
Maria was a dedicated young girl who had been steeped in church teachings, but she was also a healthy, normal girl, feeling the inner urges of womanhood tugging at the foundations of her beliefs. In the struggle, her own sex drives won out, but as we shall see as she continues her account, those beliefs were deep-rooted and continued to plague her, causing her to engage in what is considered by many to be abnormal sex.
Today, we are seeing a phenomenon: more and more thousands of persons are practicing and preaching a policy that states: "Any act of love between two persons who care for each other, which is mutually pleasing, cannot be considered perverted or abnormal." This has been told to us for generations, but as individuals and as a nation, we have been mired in ignorance and superstition concerning sex.
Maria was such a victim, and her story gives insight into the deep, troublesome problems faced by a great many persons, young and old. Let us pick up Maria's account as she enters a new environment as a further step toward organizing her sex desires and needs, so that she can become a normal, happy young woman.
* * *
"It made all the difference in the world. The boys still looked at me with bright, sexy looks, and now they didn't call me dirty names. Right away, they began to ask me out, and inside a week, I had settled on Joey-he was big and strong, with a homely face filled with freckles, but when he looked at me or touched me, I turned to butter inside. There was a sexy chemistry that we both felt working, and I knew that if I were going to lose my cherry, I wanted it to be to Joey.
"He had his own car and on our first date we went to a movie. But we began to fool around, kissing and feeling, and we left and drove out to a lonely place and parked. I can't quite explain the way I felt. I was elated that I had 'kicked the lesbian habit,' so to speak, and I liked the things that Joey's kissing and feeling me up were doing to my body. I began to let him know right away that I wanted to be fucked. I played with his chest hairs and nipples, running my hand inside his shirt. Finally, when he began to tongue kiss me, and stick his hand under my blouse to play with my titties, I unzipped his pants and took his already hard cock in my hand and began to masturbate him.
"He moved his hand from my breast and down to my thighs. He pulled my panties off and began to slide his finger in and out of my cunt, moving it faster and faster, running over my clit, while I increased the speed of my jerking him off. We were in an awkward position, trying to tongue kiss while we masturbated each other, and finally Joey pushed my hand away and took his out of my pussy. 'It's no good this way, honey,' he pleaded. 'I want to put it in you-I want to fuck you.' "Just the word turned me on even hotter than I was, and I nodded and began to take my panties off. Joey opened the car doors, both of them, and told me to lie down on the seat. My feet hung out a little, but it did give us room to move around. I pulled up my skirt and spread my legs wide and Joey climbed on top of me. I had heard some of the girls say how it had hurt the first time, and I was all tensed up, expecting pain. But I was so hot that I was all lubricated inside, and in a couple of thrusts Joey's prick was sliding into me easily, and I began to float on clouds, it was so delicious. His cock was long and round, and when he began to find the range and it rubbed against my clit with every thrust and withdrawal, I moaned with pleasure.
"I was so happy that I was acting like a real girl. I was having sex with a boy. I felt clean, almost like I was doing an act of atonement for my other perversions. Of course I wasn't thinking like that right then. I was too intent on the pleasure that was flooding my whole body as Joey jabbed his cock in deep and hard, faster and faster, our mouths locked together as tightly as our bodies were.
"I wasn't thinking of anything at all but sex, and how thrilling it was with a boy. I wasn't feeling guilty, and I wasn't worried about my conscience bothering me later. And I certainly wasn't worrying about getting pregnant. Joey kept mumbling through his kiss, 'You're wonderful, Maria-I love you, you're so wonderful.' I think it was my first taste of love-the feeling of belonging to someone completely and hearing them tell you they loved you, and I gushed love from every pore.
"When I felt Joey's hot semen shoot inside of me, his cock jerking violently, I was in heaven. I had had one small come a moment before that, but now I just let go and really bucked and writhed, loving the feel of his cock inside me. I came in a burst of squeals, I just wanted to yell out to the world how much I loved Joey, and how much I loved sex!
"Joey just kept on going, and he seemed to go even deeper inside my cunt, touching places that made me feel as if a hot poker were shoved inside me. I kept coming in a whole series, and when Joey came the second time, I was exhausted-but the happiest exhaustion I'd ever felt.
"We stayed there a long time, just necking, talking about how wonderful we found each other. We talked about whether or not it was my first, and Joey told me that it was his. We were so carried away with our new love that I forgot to even clean myself out, or even urinate.
"We dated steady after that, and at least twice a week we had sex. I wore his fraternity pin and everybody knew we belonged to each other exclusively.
"Then I found out I was pregnant! I hadn't even worried about it. Somehow, it just seemed it couldn't happen to me-we were too lucky and happy to have anything spoil it. But I had missed my second menstruation in a row, and I just knew I was pregnant. I told Joey right away and he tried to find out from his friends if they knew a way I could get rid of the baby, with medicines or by an abortion. Neither of us came up with anything, and I began to worry myself sick.
"I panicked and talked to one of the priests at the church, in confessional. I knew that he wouldn't be able to tell anyone-not even my mother or father-what he had heard there, and I needed his help. I guess when someone is as religious as I was as a child, when you get in a real jam, you automatically turn to the church.
"The priest was really disturbed. I think he was more concerned about me trying to get rid of the baby than he was about my fucking.
"He told me that he couldn't, under any conditions, help me to destroy a human life. My getting rid of it would be murder-a mortal sin that would condemn me to hell. I knew that I'd made a mistake in running to him, and I left, more scared than ever. To make a long, sad story short, Joey got the name of some old Negro woman who did abortions, and we went there.
"She charged Joey a hundred dollars, but she got rid of the baby, and nobody was any wiser- except the priest. I knew he would never tell a soul, and I began to stay away from church deliberately. My conscience was really bothering me-not because of the way I was drawing away from church, or my screwing, but because I kept thinking about what the priest had said about murder. I had it on my mind for weeks, and I came to a decision-I promised myself that I would never have regular fucking until I was married. Oh, I wanted sex, but I already knew that I could have good orgasms by having my cunt sucked, and I often came good when Joey just finger-fucked me.
"I would never again destroy a human life. I know that there are lots of arguments both ways about whether a fetus is a human life, but I knew that I couldn't do that again, ever.
"All this leads up to my learning to like anal intercourse. It never was as good for me as straight fucking, of course, but after I once got used to the idea, and worked it out, it wasn't bad at all.
"Joey was cold for a time after I got rid of the baby, but we still caused the sparks to fly between us when we got close to each other, and gradually we began to go out again a lot. The first couple of times, we didn't even do anything except a lot of heavy petting and feeling, but we did talk it out. I told Joey flat out that I would suck him off, or masturbate him, and that was all I would let him do to me-and that had to be it.
"He begged me to let him use a rubber, but I had heard that they sometimes broke, and I was taking absolutely no chances on ever getting pregnant again. I know it was tough on Joey, because he didn't particularly like me to suck him off. He said he felt guilty-as if he were making me do something 'unnatural'-that's the word he used. He also had some silly notion that a guy who liked to be sucked off often was almost a homosexual. I never could convince him that he was being silly, but I do know that he felt funny about my sucking his cock until he came in my mouth.
"We did it my way for a few weeks, and then one night when we were at his house and his folks were out, we took a shower together and fooled around a lot, until we were both ready to pop our corks, we needed sex so badly. Joey had soaped me all over, while I was rubbing his cock with soapsuds, masturbating him and getting him frantic.
"All at once, he grabbed me and began to hold me against the shower wall while he tried to shove his cock into my cunt. I got so mad I hit him in the face with my fist, and cut his lip. He was so hurt and amazed, I wanted to cry while I let him dry me off.
"I told him I was sorry, and that I had just lost my head, remembering that abortionist and all the worry and heartaches I had then, and had had since, knowing that I had destroyed our child. Joey was trying hard to understand, but I had hurt his manhood, he felt, by rejecting him that violently.
"He said, 'Honey, I have to have you sometimes. I just have to. It's not the same when you suck me off-it's not as good.' We were lying on his bed, naked, and he was playing with my breasts and my pussy, and I felt as if I almost would let him shove it in my cunt, but I just couldn't. Then he was saying, 'Maria, honey... would you let me... put it up your ass?' "He just blurted it out, blushing and not meeting my eyes. I don't know why, but I wanted to laugh. It had never dawned on me that a man could put his cock in a woman's asshole and come as good-some said better-than by using her cunt. I didn't know about male homosexuals then, because I'd never given much thought to the ways they can make love. I just assumed that they sucked each other's cocks and that was it.
"I really did love Joey, and if he wanted to try it that way, and it was good for him, I didn't see what harm it would do. When he played around with my asshole while we were getting warmed up or actually fucking, it had been a pleasurable thing that added to my desire and eiyoyment, so I figured it would be good for me, too.
"I raised his face and looked into his eyes and told him that I wanted whatever he wanted, except regular fucking, and that I'd try ass-fucking if he wanted to. He already had a good hard on, and he went into his mother's room and came back with some cold cream. He smeared some all over his cock and around my asshole, shov- ing his finger up and greasing it inside.
"Then he had me get up on my hands and knees and he crawled up between my legs, his cock in his hand, and he began to squeeze it in. First, the head of it went in, and it didn't feel too bad-not much different from his finger- but it did hurt a little when he began to plunge it in deeper. I gasped a little, and he said he would stop if I didn't like it, or if it was hurting too much. But I told him to go ahead, that it wasn't that bad.
"He bent over me after he got it sliding in and out more easily, as the cold cream spread deeper into my asshole, and he began to massage my clit with his fingers. It made it a lot nicer for me, because I could concentrate on my own feelings and I knew I could come that way.
"Joey was talking into my ear, mumbling and groaning with pleasure, saying over and over how good it was, and how he loved me so for letting him do it that way. By the time he was coming, I told him to work faster on my clit, and he did, rubbing it hard and fast and a few seconds after I felt his juice spurting into my asshole, I came also. It was good. It's hard to describe, but part of my enjoyment came from knowing that I was pleasing my Joey, and that I was also 'safe' doing it that way. And I still had sex thrills from it. Altogether, it was a real answer for both of us.
"We went together for a year, and we had sex about twice a week, and gradually, I noticed that Joey almost never wanted me to suck him off or masturbate him. He would be real will- j ing to do that for me, but for his choice it was always ass-fucking. I began to notice a change in him--just a gradual falling off of any real lovemaking, without any sweet talk before or i after. It got to be like a routine we went through-meet, see a movie, have a hamburger and then ass-fuck.
"I didn't want to lose Joey, because I loved him, so I was afraid to bring up the subject. Once, when we were having a fight, he snarled, 'If you'd use your cunt like a regular woman, we wouldn't have to do it that way all the time. I just don't want my girl sucking my prick!' "It hurt to have him say things like that, inferring that I wasn't a 'real woman.' I was almost tempted to show him that I was, and let him fuck me in the cunt, but I just couldn't.
"We began to cool toward each other, and finally we broke up. We didn't fight or anything nasty-just sort of drifted away from each other.
"I was lonely, and I didn't want to date anyone else for a long time. I missed sex, and I began to realize that a lot of my feelings for Joey were tied up with sex sessions, and that in a deep, real sense, I didn't love him. Deep in my heart, I know that I sort of resented his part in the abortion. All he had to pay was some money, but I had to go on paying all my life with the remembrance that I had killed my own child.
"I began to go out with a lot of different boys, but even though I wanted sex with some of them, I didn't know how to go about telling them that I would only suck their cock or let them have me in the ass. So, I played the prude for a while. Most of the boys dropped me after one or two dates when I didn't put out, and I began to get the reputation of being a cock-teaser-a girl who leads a guy on, lets him feel and fool, but not fuck.
"I masturbated a lot, but it wasn't the same. I even tried using different objects-a sawed-off broomstick, a Polish sausage, candles-and some of them gave me a new and different feeling, but none of them were any good, not like having a real cock inside me.
"I hit a low spot and began going back to church more often, but that bored me now. I didn't get any good, warm feeling from it, like I used to.
"After I graduated from high school, I wanted to go to college-but away from my home town. I was actually bored with every part of my life, and I thought that it would be good for me to have a complete change of friends and environment.
"I went to New York City, and on a wild hunch, I took a room in Greenwich Village. I wasn't a hippie, but they all seemed so free from care, so free in their loving and living, I decided I wanted to have a close look at least. The rooming house I lived at was loaded with swingers, and right from the first night, I knew that I had made a right decision in coming there.
"There was a party going on every night somewhere in the place, pot parties, booze parties, sex parties-they never seemed to end. When I was invited to one of the boys' rooms for a swinging session, I expected it would be pretty sexy, and it was. But it was a lot freer than I had thought it would be. A couple would chat or neck, then the first thing you knew, they would be over in a corner on the floor, or on the couch, fucking and sucking like they were all alone. Half of the bunch didn't even pay any attention to the screwing couples.
"I liked one blond man there, and when he began to talk to me, then casually began to feel me up, I decided to get with it and go as far as I could. If he liked it, fine, if not-he could go fuck himself. When he asked me to go to bed with him, I didn't know he meant right there in front of everyone. I wasn't quite that much of a swinger, and I told him so. He just laughed and got up and took my hand, saying, 'My place or yours, Maria?' "I went to his room and I decided that I'd come right out with it. I told him I would go two ways-ass-fucking or I would suck him off and he could suck my pussy. He didn't bat an eye. He just shrugged and said, 'Whatever your bag is, baby, it's fine with me.' "We started out by 'sixty-nining'-I sucked his cock while he sucked my pussy, and when we had come that way, I told him I didn't mind if he wanted to fuck me in the ass. I even told him how to position himself so he could finger my cunt at the same time he was fucking me in the ass.
"Marty took everything in stride. He was a gentle sort of guy, and after he had come in my asshole, and I had a pretty good orgasm from his masturbating me, he poured us some wine and we laid there on his bed and talked. He was intelligent, but not overbearing about it. I liked him. It felt good to have a man lying beside me, talking to me as if I were an adult, and not just a sexy teenager he had made out with.
"After we warmed up to each other, Marty asked me why I didn't go for the regular cock-cunt fucking. Maybe the wine was getting to me, or maybe I just needed to pour it out to a sympathetic ear, but anyhow, I told him all about Joey, killing the baby, the whole thing. I told him I had vowed that I'd never again chance pregnancy, because I couldn't kill again.
"He didn't laugh at me. He was real serious. He looked deep into my eyes and held my hand when he asked me: 'You're still pretty religious, way down deep, aren't you?' "I had to stop and think about that, and fi- nally, I said that I was, and I guessed I always would be.
" 'Then you can't use any contraceptives-rubbers or the pill-in good conscience, can you?' he asked.
"I said I couldn't, because the Church had taught that that was sinful, also.
"He smiled broadly and freshened our drink. When he sat down beside me he said, 'I'm surprised that a good Catholic like you hasn't tried the one contraceptive the church allows. Man, you just haven't got "rhythm"!' "At first, I didn't catch on, so Marty explained, 'The rhythm cycle, baby, the rhythm method.' I vaguely remembered hearing it mentioned, but I had never been curious enough to find out what it was. Marty explained it to me, how a woman learns, by studying a menstruation chart, what days of the month she cannot conceive. It's a method practiced by many Catholics, and it is approved by the Church because no artificial contraceptives are used to prevent conception.
"I asked Marty more about it, but that was all he could tell me. He suggested that any good doctor could help me with it, and he said he thought it would be a good idea for me, because then I could enjoy all-round sex, any way at all-at least on some days of each month.
"I went to a doctor next day, I was that excited about the prospect. We worked out a ached- ule, but he made it plain that it was not a foolproof method. In fact, he pointed out many cases that he knew of personally where it had failed. But I told him that I would be extremely careful, allowing myself plenty of 'cushion' on either side of the 'safe' days.
"I had become very fond of Marty. It was a relationship that had an ease about it that, might have existed if I had had an older brother; yet, there was a strong physical attraction. So I was able to talk plainly to him and use him as a sort of 'guinea pig' in trying out the rhythm method.
"I admit, I was pretty jittery the first three or four months, remembering the doctor's warning, but it was a lot easier with Marty helping. I was amazed at how gentle he was when it came time to have our first real fuck. He even talked to me about it, saying that it might be almost as if I were a virgin and were having my first intercourse. It had been a long time, and I didn't realize how much I had missed regular fucking, until we were both naked an'd I felt Marty's hands and lips caressing my thighs and my breasts; then his tongue went into my slit and he found the clit and began to exert pressure on it with his tongue and teeth.
"He built me up very slowly, until I was well lubricated and emotionally ready. Instead of a lot of love talk, Marty kept building my confidence by telling me that it would work, and that there was nothing to worry about. At the end of the love play, I was as relaxed as a wet rag, and when Marty took a position beside me, so that his weight was off me, with my one leg raised up, his cock slid into my cunt with ease. It was a new angle for me, and his penis head touched the side and inner walls of my cunt where they had never been stimulated before.
"It was as if it were my first time, in a sense, because Marty was so skilled. He held my ass cheek with one hand and gradually went deeper, increasing the thrusting of his prick, touching deep spots inside my cunt that brought thrills to me I hadn't known before.
"I knew without his telling me when he was ready to ejaculate, but he asked me if I were ready, and when I clung to him and kissed him, he really put the pressure on my clitoris, never losing contact, until I felt as if I were on a roller coaster car, approaching the top of the biggest drop. When I came, it was with that same chilling feeling that comes to you when you crest the top and feel as if, for one split second, you are going to sail off into space.
"It was glorious. I felt as if I had become a complete person-a full woman. I had more peace of mind than I'd had for a long time.
"Marty was a wonderful lover. We lived together for two years, and with the variety of sexual positions we now had available, it was like one long honeymoon. It was so good, in fact, that even though we had other sex partners at first, later on we settled down to just having sex with one another. There were no rules, we just automatically did it. I asked Marty why, one time when we were fucking, and he thought about it for a time before answering. He thought I wanted him to say he loved me, but I was really curious. I didn't think I was in love with him-not enough to want to marry him, but I was completely happy with him as a lover.
"He finally told me that he wanted me because I was a near-perfect lover. He was frank, telling me that because I had worked so carefully on all the phases of lovemaking, I had become very expert. He said he had never had a girl who pleased him so much in bed. Of course it made me feel elated, and we talked very frankly about why certain techniques pleased him. For instance, he explained how the muscles and structure of the anus made it possible for the prick to be gripped more tightly, and how anal intercourse gave the man almost total friction as he thrust his cock in and out of the anal canal.
"Marty finished college and returned to his home in Indiana, and I felt awfully alone for a long time. But there was no brooding or fear. I felt secure within myself, and I settled down and graduated with honors. I kept my eyes and senses alert, looking for the right man. I was ready to settle down to at least going steady, because it had been so wonderful with Marty. In the back of my mind, I was really preparing myself for marriage. I adapted to the free and easy living style of the so-called hippies, but in my heart, I really wanted the old-fashioned things-a home, a good man, kids-a purpose in life.
"I took a job with an advertising agency, and inside a year I started going with Robert, my husband. He was divorced, with no children, and he was Jewish, but when I finally fell in love, none of that mattered. Besides, I had drifted away from the Church and it was easy to renounce my religion. A lot of the things I was taught went too deep to be uprooted-like the feeling I still have about abortions. But Bob was so understanding and kind; he accepted me exactly as I am. I know now that I owe a lot to Marty. And I also realize that he and Bob are of the same type-good men.
"I've never cheated on Bob. I have no reason to. I am perfectly happy, especially with my sex life. Bob and I engage in whatever kind of sex pleases us. About the anal intercourse-he thinks it is a great change of pace, and he enjoys it, but he likes to mix up oral and anal with regular intercourse in different positions.
"I still can't take the pill-it just would build up a wall inside me. I can't help the way I feel about contraceptives and abortions, but it actually makes my sex life more exciting. Bob says the same thing. In many ways, anal intercourse was the means of my sexual and emotional salvation. I see nothing wrong in any kind of sex that is pleasing to both partners, and I hope that my telling my experience might open other women's eyes to the possibilities of what I like to call total sexuality.' " We have seen, in Maria's case history, that the practice of anal intercourse contributed highly to her ultimately happy marriage. It is significant that she made the point that she is totally faithful to her marriage vows, because she has everything in her sex life with her husband that she ever wanted or will want.
She makes no claims to any "miraculous cleansing" of her hangups about the use of contraceptives, but she has learned to weigh them in the cold light of reason and to decide for herself which are good for her, and which not.
CONCLUSION
We have seen through these case histories that "total sexuality" is the goal of more and more persons today. To achieve this, for most of us, there must be a "house cleaning" job to rid ourselves of stifling superstitions and "old We have been concerned in this book with anal intercourse, and the reasons why some women enjoy it, others merely tolerate it, and still others turn to it in desperation. In a much-enlightened era, we are discovering that anal intercourse has always been practiced, but in secret, and today more persons are willing to speak frankly about their sex habits and to advocate total sex freedom for themselves and their offspring.
Sexologists and doctors are in agreement that anal intercourse does provide a very stimulating and harmless form of sex diversion, providing that it does not replace all the other positions and techniques, and when it is not accompanied by any hangups concerning homosexuality, sinfulness, or perversion.
It has been a contributing factor in making many marriages happier, when truth prevails between the partners, and both desire it. Any sex act that is shared and that pleases both partners can be considered a blessing, for it cements the relationship to give and take enjoyment from the marriage partner's sexual offerings.
"Truth in bed" might well be the motto of most psychologists and doctors today. We have explored the desires and motivating emotions of a few persons who, though they may not be typical, have provided a clear look at some of the reasons why anal intercourse is engaged in by more and more couples.
In the final analysis, it must be an individual matter, left to each couple to decide. The available data concerning anal intercourse, such as the case histories we have explored, tend to show that more and more married couples are employing this form of intercourse successfully, and that it will one day be completely accepted by married couples as part of a normal, healthy and full expression of their love.
