A fine line separates a person's pain from her pleasure and those who have learned to make pain a pleasure are commonly known as masochists.
In order to be a true masochist, one must get one's mind into it, even more so than getting one's body into it. Once the mind works and learns to accept the pain, it can channel it into pleasure.
Many housewives are masochists, some by choice and some by force. Here, they talk about it openly:
Judy F.: "It was what Dennis wanted to do to me and I had to learn how to love the pains he inflicted, because I loved him so much ... "
Pamela G.: "Nothing makes me come harder than the stinging slap of a leather whip on my sweaty naked flesh ... "
Libby D.: "With a dildo up my ass and his thick meat up my cunt, the pain and pleasure meet and everything seems to be all right ... "
Pamela G.
Interviewed: December 12, 1978
Q. Can you say when you first realized that pain, inflicted upon your person, brought out the most pleasure in you?
That's a hard question to answer. I mean, now that I know what it does to me, I can probably think back to all those times, when I might have realized it, back when I was younger. But since I wasn't aware of my own sexuality that much, when those things happened, I guess I just never attributed it to my hidden masochistic feelings.
Q. When did pain become orgiastic?
I remember when I was five. My father was always something of a sadist, but I never really knew that was what he was, nor did I even know that there was a word for someone who did those kinds of things. I guess that I thought he was just a wife beater, although I didn't think of those words for a time, also.
When I was five, I can remember hearing some screaming coming from my mother's bedroom and that really scared me more than anything else I can remember. I snuck out of my bed and I started to walk down the hall.
Their bedroom door was closed, but I had to look in. I thought that my mother might have been dying or something like that.
When I looked in, I was shocked.
I could see that my mother was tied up to her bed. There was some thick leathery looking rope around her wrists and she was naked. She was trying to pull herself free and it looked like those things were cutting into her body even more. As I looked closer, I could see that her ankles were bound, too.
I had never really had a chance to study her naked body before. It was really beautiful, with large breasts. Her nipples were red, just like mine are and her long red hair was strewn all over her pillow.
I could see the flatness of her white belly and where her pubic mound was raised up a bit. Her legs had been spread wide apart and from where I was standing, I could see the slit of her cunt. Of course, I did know about cunts then. Nothing about the sexual thing that they can do, of course.
"You bastard," I heard her screaming and then, I saw something kind of flying across the room. It landed with a snap on her belly.
Then there was blood. I pushed the door open a little bit more. I had thought that the flying thing was some kind of a bug, but I didn't think that a bug could bring out that kind of blood in a person.
It was no flying thing. It was my father's whip.
Now let me get back to something before I continue with that. I can remember so many times when my older sister and I would be threatened with a whip. Whenever we were bad and my mother couldn't control us, she would tell us that as soon as Daddy got home, he was going to take out the whip.
Now that I think about it, too, maybe I did feel some kind of a tingling thrill each time she said that. I can't remember.
I know that Mindy used to laugh each time my mother said it and sometimes I would think that she wanted to get whipped. Maybe I should call her, now that we're both older and married, just to see if she's into it, too.
Anyway, I thought that the whip my father was using on my mother had to be the whip that she had talked about all those times.
However, it scared me when I saw how much blood he was drawing.
But I had to keep watching. There was a definite reason for it.
You see, my father was naked, too. It was the first time that I had ever really seen his naked body, because my parents were always a little uptight about sex. Even when my father would go to the bathroom, he would make sure that he closed and locked the door, so that neither Mindy nor myself could get in.
That time, his cock was hard, also. Since it was the first time I had ever seen a hard cock, I didn't know that they came any other way.
"You fucker," my mother screamed out at him. "One day you're going to be the one lying here and when that happens, I'm going to make sure to whip the shit out of you. I'm going to make sure to kill you."
He laughed when she said it and he whipped her again.
I could see something happening with his cock. It kind of bobbed up and down as the whip landed on her flesh and there was even a drop of cream at the tip. Now of course, I know that it was come and that he was excited about the whole thing.
"You wish that you could get me down," he said to her.
There was a menacing kind of tone in his voice, the kind that I used to hear when he came home smelling of alcohol. I hated it so much.
Then, he moved closer to the bed and ...
Q. I thought that you were going to tell us about when you first felt the pain.
I am. Please wait. It happened a little bit later. I want you to know about what I saw first, because maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe I was excited about watching the two of them together.
Because that was what happened.
He moved closer to her and he started to rub his hard cock against her lips. I don't know if my mother was used to taking his cock in her mouth or not, but she did try to turn her head away. When she told him that she was going to open her mouth and scream, he started to laugh at her. He told her that he would make sure that she didn't scream at all.
And then, he started to thrust his cock into her mouth. He pulled on her long red hair and managed to yank her head so that she couldn't turn her mouth away. Then he started to thrust deep into her mouth. I could hear the way that she was gagging, which makes me realize that he had to be deep in her mouth.
Also, I could see the way he thrust in and held himself so that his groin was pressing against her mouth. It looked so awful. I felt so sorry for her.
But there was nothing that I could do. I'll admit that I was thinking of yelling out and asking him to stop, but then I remembered that whip and I remembered the blood on my mother's belly.
Actually, it was hard to forget about the blood. I could still see some of it dripping down her belly and I felt so bad for her.
He started to thrust in and out of her mouth even faster. I didn't realize that he was getting turned on, nor did I realize that she was getting turned on. But she was. Had I known anything about cunts back then, I would have been looking to see that her red lips were getting wetter.
There was even an increasing wetness on her thighs and it looked so strange.
He stayed in her mouth for a few more minutes and then, he started to pull out.
"Don't you put it into me," I heard her yell. "You're going to kill me with that thing if you put it into me."
"You married me for it, you stupid bitch. You'd better take it."
And then, he started to move his cock down her body. He was up on the bed and he was rubbing it along her breasts and then down over her belly.
Now this is why I yelled.
She was groaning and she sounded like she was in pain. I could hear her moaning something then, just as he was getting ready to move his cock into her cunt and what she was moaning really scared me.
"You'll kill me with it. You'll kill me with it," she was saying, over and over again and I started to think.
I would have hated it just living with my father. I loved him and all, the way a girl should love her father, I guess. But I knew that he had a real mean streak (which I was about to see in a few seconds) and I knew that if it came down to living with one or the other, I would have wanted to live with my mother.
I kept thinking, during those moments when he was about to enter her, that he really would kill her. She seemed to know what she was talking about in saying that he would and I didn't know that they had had to have sex to have me and Mindy.
If I did, then I never would have yelled out. I would have known that she was just saying it to try and keep him from entering her.
I swear to you. I feel like such an idiot saying it now, but I did think that if a man would start to fuck a woman, she would die.
He began to move his cock into her and before he could get the whole thing in her cunt, I heard myself screaming out.
"No, Daddy, don't do it to her. Don't kill her. Don't. I don't want her to die."
Well, when he looked over and he saw me standing near the door, dressed in my nightgown, watching what they were doing, I knew that I was in trouble. I could see that semi-crazed, angry look, coming into his eyes.
I know now that he must have been very upset, with me interrupting the fucking that he was about to get into.
I mean, now that I know how much it turns Mike on when he does it to me and how mad he would get if anyone else interrupted, I could understand how mad my father seemed to be getting as he looked over at me.
"You little spying bitch," he started to yell at me. "You fucking little ..."
"Leave her alone, darling. She doesn't really know what she's saying. Just leave her alone and ... no, don't do that, please."
That was my mother pleading with him. She knew, as he started to get up, that he was furious with me and she could see him getting ready to reach for the whip.
I started to run back to my room and my father was coming after me. I turned for a second and I could see that he was still naked and his hard cock was bobbing up and down as he was running after me.
I began to cry, especially when I tripped. In watching him, I wasn't watching where I was going and once I fell down, I knew that I was in for it.
He pulled the whip back and he lashed it out at me.
Now, as I told you at the beginning, I didn't really know very much about sexual feelings then and I just felt some kind of pain. And yet, at the same time, there was something very nice about the leather making contact with my body.
I hardly even know how to explain it in detail.
He didn't actually hit my skin, right away. He hit me through the nightgown and I had that to kind of protect me from the initial blow.
There was more than one blow, however. I could see my mother running down the hall and she was as naked as he was.
She saw me lying there and definitely had to hear me crying.
"Don't hit her. She didn't really know what she was seeing."
"The door was locked and she was a spying little bitch. She knew that she shouldn't have been looking in, but she opened the door because she wanted to. I can't let her go around the house thinking that she can open any door she wants to."
"But she didn't know," my mother was saying.
Even as that was going on, I could feel the whip hitting me again and again and again. He had ripped my nightgown a little bit and he seemed to be hitting me in the same place all the time.
He was soon hitting my naked flesh and that hurt more than anything else.
I'll never forget how my mother managed to appease him. She was standing behind him and she moved her hand to his hard cock.
Yes, he was hard, the whole time that he was hitting me, too. It was as if he was really getting off on lashing the whip.
Now, I don't know how my mother managed to get herself free, but the only thing that I could think of is that she wasn't really tied tight. She had probably let him tie her up, but the bonds were looser than I thought.
I think it was more of a game with them, than it is between me and Mike now.
Anyway, she slid her hand around his cock shaft and she started to massage it, moving her hand up and down the shaft as fast as she could. I could hear the way that he was starting to moan and she got down on her knees in front of him.
"Honey, go into your room now," she said. "Do as I say."
I started to crawl toward my room, too weak and scared to get up and run. But even as I was closing the door, I did manage to look back. I could see that she was on her knees and she was taking his cock deep into her mouth. Her hand was at the base and she was moving it up and down the shaft as fast as she could. He was moaning very loud and he was starting to thrust it in and out of her mouth. He was going very fast in and out of her mouth!
She had saved me from a terribly brutal whipping by going down on him and turning him on, so that he wouldn't finish what he had started. I didn't see it all, because I could see the way he was looking down near my door.
He wanted to make sure that I was really in my room.
And of course, you can be sure that I was.
Q. Now do you really think that you felt pleasure from that, or do you think that now, because you're aware of your S and M tendencies, you're just projecting back on an incident that really was a terrifying and painful one for you?
I told you that since I wasn't aware of my own sexuality, I didn't really know. I can only tell you what I recall.
Q. All right then. Let's move onto something else. Take us forward a few years and tell us about the first time that you were really aware of pain and the pleasure that it would bring to you. I want to know about a time when you were aware of your own sexuality and how it was affecting you.
That could even be when I first lost my virginity. You know how they say that it always hurts the first time.
In my case, it was definitely true.
Now I didn't lose my virginity until I was in college. I don't even know why I waited that long. It wasn't my first time with a cock, however. I had done oral things to boys when I had been in high school.
I think that I was a bit of a fool for having waited so long, but I just thought that boys would respect me if I was a virgin. Of course, everyone around me was losing it when we were in high school.
My friend Ellen had told me about the way that it would hurt.
I met Al in college. He was a handsome senior and I was happy that he found me interesting. I was only a freshman and for a senior to be interested in a freshman, it meant something. It was almost a status thing.
He dated me three times, before we even talked about sex. I guess that he was able to see how naive I was when it came to sexual things and he waited. Then, finally, one night, he told me that his roommate was away for the evening and wouldn't be back. He lived in a house off campus, which meant that he didn't have to worry about the rules that they had in dorms.
"Well, maybe you want to go home then?" I asked him.
"I want you to come home with me," he said. "I want to fuck you."
"Al, I've never done anything like that before," I said to him.
"I know. I could tell. I want to be your first."
"It's going to hurt. I know that it's going to hurt. I've been told it so many times and I don't want to feel pain."
Little did I know then, that the pain would make it wonderful for me. But that's to come a little bit later.
"I can make it so that you don't feel any pain," he said to me and I looked at him with a quizzical expression on my face. I didn't think it was possible.
But he said that he could. He also said something else. He told me that if I didn't go home with him, he wouldn't take me out again.
So I did go back with him to his place. He had some grass and he said that it would loosen me up a little bit, so that I wouldn't be as uptight as I seemed to be. He hadn't thought about something that grass does, though.
Smoking grass merely intensifies the feelings that you have, no matter what they are. Since I was so uptight about fucking with him, it made me even more uptight.
I think that in the end, he was sorry he made me smoke it.
But then, after we were both pretty high, he started to kiss me on the lips. I thought that it was pretty nice, but nothing so special. His hands began to move down to my breasts and he massaged them through my blouse.
I liked the feeling of my nipples getting stiffer, but do you know what I liked more than anything else as he was doing it?
There were moments when he would pinch my nipples hard and I would feel this kind of throbbing pain running through my body. I mean he really did pinch them hard, too. Sometimes, I thought that he was going to pull them right off.
My cunt throbbed the most when he did something like that.
Then, he started to open my blouse. He moved his mouth down to my nipple and he began to suck on it. He loved the way they were so stiff and while he was sucking on one, tenderly, he was still pinching the other.
I was definitely aware of the difference then.
The one being sucked, although feeling okay, was not feeling half as sensational as the one that he was pinching. It was really aching and by the end of the night, I can remember how sore they both were.
Al started to take off all my clothes then. It was the first time I had ever bared my body for a boy and you can understand that I was nervous. I didn't know what he would think of it. He loved it, however.
He stood up and started to get undressed then and I could see how big his cock was. Since I had sucked off quite a few back in high school, I could see that his was much bigger than any I had ever come across.
"Al, I don't know if I could take a cock in the size of yours," I said, as I moved my hand to it and felt how thick it was.
I didn't tell him that he was bigger than all the other guys I had sucked off, because I didn't want him to know about them.
"You can stretch," he said to me. "That's the idea of a cunt. It can stretch to take in the cock and you will."
He started to climb on top of me then. I flashed back to that time when my mother had been telling my father how he was going to kill her and I thought that I was going to die for a few seconds.
Then, it happened. He started to move his cock into my cunt. I was hardly even wet, so the scraping contact was painful.
He came up against my intact hymen and I think he was upset. He had told me how some girls, although technical virgins, didn't have hymens and I think that he was hoping I would be one of them, just so he wouldn't have to break in.
He started to pull back a little bit and I could feel the way my cunt walls were feeling more and more chafed. Then, he moved both of his fingers to my nipples and not only did he start to pinch them, but he also started to twist.
I swear, I could feel this incredible pain running through my body. I started to scream out and at the same time, he planted his lips on mine to smother the scream. He also had something else in mind, too.
He started to bite my lower lip and that hurt like hell, also. I thought that he was going to bite right through my lip, the way he was grinding his teeth and all.
With the twisting of my nipples and the way he was biting my lip, all I could feel was pain. I wondered what he must have been thinking when my cunt started to spasm a little bit, because that was what happened.
In fact, I would say that a little bit doesn't even sum it up. I started to spasm hard and I could feel him moving in and out, but not all the way, because he still hadn't broken through my hymen.
But he did. At one point, he pulled back far and then, he thrust into me as hard as he possibly could. I yelled out in pain and he must have felt how I was spasming my hardest during that most painful second.
I really wonder what he thought about it.
He stopped for a few seconds, but I started to beg him.
"Keep thrusting, Al. Keep moving that hard cock in and out of me."
"I want you to stretch and get used to the size," he was moaning. "I want you to tell me when the pain subsides."
Now even though I had been thinking about pain and what I was feeling, I hadn't really used that actual word. Hearing him say it was making me so much more aware of those strange feelings that were running through me.
So I told him that the pain had subsided, lying of course.
He had only been in me for a few seconds when I told him, so when he started to thrust in and out of me again, I couldn't believe it. The pain was like a ripping feeling all through my body, but that pain was turning into the greatest pleasure.
My cunt actually felt like someone had lit a fire in there and it wasn't until much later that I was aware of the fact that the lubrication that was inside of me was from my own red blood.
Al kept fucking me like a mad man and I can say that I was happy when he slowed down at one point, as his cock started to throb inside of me. I could feel myself being stretched and I thought he would rip me open.
But that throbbing was causing more pain inside of me and I knew then, for sure, that there was something about pain I loved.
I told him to keep thrusting after he had slowed down a bit and I told him to shove it in and out of me as hard as he possibly could. I could actually feel the way his flesh was slapping against mine, each time he thrust in. I'll never forget how black and blue my thighs were when he was finished.
But I loved that hard fucking sensation and since my cunt had never really gotten adjusted to his size, it was always a painful fuck.
When he started to come, that was the worst part. His come soothed my chafed, aching cunt walls and I knew that he would also go limp, which did start to happen a few minutes after he had unloaded his come inside of me.
As far as orgasms went, I don't even remember how many times I came.
I can remember the way that he was apologizing to me after he had finished coming in me and that was something I couldn't understand. I guess he thought that the blood meant I had really been in great pain.
I would have felt like a fool letting him know that I had loved it all. I'm sure that he would have thought there was something strange about me, the way that some of the others did, later on in my life, when I asked to be whipped and abused.
But that first fuck was one I'll never forget, because the pain of having your hymen broken is a once only thing, isn't it?
Q. Yes, that is a once only thing. Now before we get to your husband and the kinds of things that you do with him, tell us about some of the others. You know, the ones that you mentioned a few seconds ago.
All right. Let me try and think.
First, I should tell you that Al and I had sex about three more times after that first time, but it was never as good as it had been the first time. That was because he was a tender lover. He would always go down on me first and he would try to work me up with his oral lovemaking.
I always had to fake it. I didn't think that I should let him know that I wasn't getting off and besides, there was something else.
Even though I had been thinking about the pain of my first time with him, it's not something that you can even admit to yourself. I mean, I just couldn't come out and tell myself that the pain had been the thing to bring me pleasure.
I was not that aware of how many people did get off on it. If I had been, maybe I would have admitted it to myself earlier and prevented myself from getting into all these tender sex scenes where I had to fake my orgasm.
So I decided not to see Al and I couldn't tell him that it was because he made tender love to me. I know that he wouldn't have understood and besides, as I said, I wasn't that sure if I was understanding it all myself.
David was the first man to ever really abuse me. He was a professor of Psychology at the college that I went to and I could see the way that he was always coming on to me. I guess he could tell that I liked him and I'm glad that he was into Psychology because he really understood me.
He was a tall, dark-haired man, with muscles like you wouldn't believe. One day, after class, he told me to wait to talk with him.
I actually thought that he was going to reprimand me, but he wanted to take me out for lunch and have a talk with me.
He told me how much he liked me and how he could see that the feeling was mutual. Then, he asked me if I wanted to fuck him.
Just like that. I can tell you that it threw me for a second. No one had ever come on to me quite like that, saying it so bluntly, but when he said it, I knew that I was going to have to do it.
Now there might have been some people between David and Al, but none that I want to talk about too much.
David is another story. He had a beautiful off-campus apartment with a fireplace and he started to pour me some wine to loosen me up. Then, he began to undress me so slowly, kissing my shoulders gently.
Gently. I couldn't really stand it. I was moaning a little bit so that he would think I was getting off on it and he probably really did think I was.
He started to kiss his way down to my tits and like all the men I had been with, save for Al that first time when he pinched and bit them, David was kissing them as if he was having a love affair with them.
I started to open his shirt and I could see that he had a hairy chest, which is really just the way that I like them. I think that I began to claw his back a little bit with my nails, but I don't really remember.
If that was happening, you can bet that it was because of the need that I had for him to be a little bit more rough with me.
Anyway, David did know a lot of things, which I found out later.
He started to pull my skirt and panties down and when he saw my cunt, I could hear him moaning loud.
"You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on," he said to me and then, he slid his fingers to my cunt.
I could feel the way his whole body started to get tense.
He lifted his head up and he looked me right in the eyes, with such an intensity behind the look, that it scared me.
"You're a lying little cunt," he said to me. "You really are."
"What do you mean?" I asked him. "What are you talking about?"
"You're acting like you love what I'm doing to you and yet, your body tells me that you're really into a whole different thing."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.
He pulled his hand back and he slapped me across the face. The slap was hard and it caught me so off guard, that it really stung more than it would have had I been expecting it. He started to laugh at me then.
You see, he was still fingering me as he slapped me with his other free hand. The pain from the slap had made my cunt spasm. I was aware of it and I know that he had to be, although he was to tell me for sure a few seconds later.
He wanted to explore me more, first. He slid his hand down from my face and he reached for my nipple. He started to pinch my red dot as hard as he could and I could hear myself groaning with some kind of pain.
He started to twist it and my cunt was spasming hard.
He began to twist it even more and then, he slapped me across the face again.
"You love this, don't you?" he asked me. "You love to feel this kind of physical abuse, don't you, Pamela? You do."
"No," I said to him.
I guess I should have been more honest, but deep down, I'm glad that I wasn't. After all, he was a teacher of Psychology and he had to know what he was talking about, especially as he was rubbing my cunt at the same time.
He pulled his fingers out of my cunt and then, he stood up.
I had only taken his shirt off, but he didn't hesitate in the least to start pulling his belt open and then, he pulled it off.
David whipped me hard on the belly with that belt and I felt my first sting of leather since that time with my father. Only now that I was fully mature, sexually as well as mentally (although I had a way to go before coming to grips with it all), I could feel the pleasure surging through my body.
"Beg for it if you want it, bitch," he screamed at me.
He opened his pants and they fell around his knees. He was wearing no underwear and I could see that his cock was nice and hard. It reminded me of the way my father's had been, that time he whipped my mother.
In fact, I could see the way David's dick started to bob up and down each time he lashed the whip out at me and he lashed it many, many times.
I could see that my skin was soon covered with red marks, but he wasn't really drawing any blood, which I thought was good.
You see, even though I love S and M and know it now, I don't like it to the point where there's any blood, only because it's too messy. Plus, lash marks on the skin don't feel that bad the next day, but scars and scabs do.
Well, David pulled the whip back and I could feel my cunt spasming in anticipation, but then, he started to laugh.
"I told you to beg for it. You know how much you want it and I want to hear it from you. Beg, or else you feel no more."
"All right," I said to him. He had been right.
I did want more and just seeing him there with that belt pulled back over his head and anticipating what it would feel like on my flesh, made me know that I had to have it fast. I wanted it so badly.
"Whip me, David. Whip me hard. Abuse me, please."
And so, he started to lash the belt out at me and I could feel the way it was causing this throbbing pain on my belly. However, my skin was so sensitive by that time, that the pain kind of channeled itself.
It did really start out as a pain on my skin, but somehow, it ended up as a kind of pleasure in my cunt. I could feel the way I got wetter and wetter with each lashing he inflicted and by the time he was ready to fuck me, I was soaked.
He had other things in mind though.
He pulled my hands behind my back and I could feel the way he was strapping my wrists together, hard, with the leather belt. He was pulling it so tight, that after I was bound, I could feel the way my wrists throbbed. He had cut off the blood circulation to my hands and they felt afire.
Then, he pushed me down on the rug, on my stomach.
I could feel him moving his cock to my cunt from behind and I was ready for him to enter me. In fact, I couldn't wait.
But then, he pulled his cock back and up a little bit.
"What are you going to do?" I asked him. "Please, tell me."
"I don't want to fuck that cunt of yours," he said. "I'm going to fuck your ass. If it's pain that you want, bitch, this is the best way I can think of giving it to you. I'm going to rip your ass apart with my cock and you'll feel it for sure."
God, that did scared me! I'll never forget it. I flashed back to that time with my mother and father once again and thought about how my mother had said she would die if he fucked her in the cunt. Well, I really thought that I would die if he fucked me in the ass. I was so sure of it.
But then, he spit on his cock, just a little bit and he rammed it right into my asshole. At the same time, he managed to squeeze his fingers down between the carpet and my cunt and he started to finger me.
Well, to be perfectly honest, he wasn't fingering me. He was just holding his fingers inside, but he wasn't moving them.
"Yeah, I can feel how much you love it, bitch," he said and I felt the fire in my ass. He had lubed his cock, only enough so that he could get in and the saliva was starting to dry up a little bit.
It was probably the most painful fuck of my life, before I was married, that is. He was ramming himself in and out of me and I could feel his groin slapping against my ass each time that he was thrusting in deep.
When he would hold himself in deep and I would feel his cock throbbing, it would be more intense than at any other moment.
And as I said, he wasn't really moving his fingers. But the pain that I was feeling from his invasion into my asshole was the most pleasant thing I had ever felt.
Pleasant in that the pain was turning into pleasure for me and because he had his fingers in my cunt and he was well aware of how a woman worked, he knew that I was getting more and more turned on.
Well, he fucked me for the longest time. I could remember at least three different occasions when he seemed to be ready to come and then he would slow down so that his cock wasn't throbbing anymore.
I came at least five or six times, but I don't remember exactly how many. The two of us did talk about it after the rape was over.
Rape. I like to think of it as a rape, because he did enter my asshole by forcing me down and also, by tying me up.
But I loved it and when he started to come, that was the most disappointing part, only because I knew that it was all over for the time being.
After he had come, he kept me tied and moved matches toward my breasts so that I could feel the pain of fire against my nipples. He did all kinds of abuse like that and he knew that I was getting off on it.
He fucked me again, in the regular way and it wasn't, half as good, because he really did nothing to inflict any pain then, except my wrists were still tied and when I tried to pull away, I could feel the leather belt cutting me.
Q. Did you ever wonder why you were getting off on the pain?
Of course I did, but I didn't want to think about it too much. David and I had a few more encounters after that first one and he was the one who started me thinking about it, since he wanted to know the psychology of the human being.
"I knew that there were people who were into things like this," he said to me one day, after fucking me and whipping me with a cat o'nine tails at the same time. "Did you ever think about why?"
I told him about my parents and how I had seen them that first time, with my father whipping my mother and all and he thought that could have something to do with my feelings, but he wasn't all that sure.
"You know what might happen if you try to delve into your innermost feelings?" he asked me and I shook my head no. "Well, you might stop getting off on it. When people try to find out why things effect them in a certain way, they remove themselves from the experience to analyze it and when they finally do, sometimes it's hard for them to get back into it again."
"I don't know if I want that to happen to me," I told him.
And so, we stopped trying to analyze it, although, he said to me that as long as I could find some man to always fulfill my need, I would be all right.
That's why, after David and I stopped seeing each other, I knew that I would have to be as open and honest with the men that I dated as I possibly could. I knew what turned me on then and I decided that I just wasn't going to go through life faking orgasms, when I knew for sure what turned me on.
Then I met Mike.
Q. Were you completely honest with him?
Well, you see, I didn't have to be completely honest with him. Mike was dating my roommate at the time, Nancy and one day, she came home all black and blue. I didn't really notice until the next morning, when she was getting dressed for school.
She had tried to hide the bruises from me and when I asked her what they were from, she told me that Mike had started to beat her up.
I asked her to go into more detail, but she didn't want to. All that she had to say was that she wasn't going to see him anymore.
Later, that very same day, I ran into Mike in the school cafeteria.
"I saw what you did to Nancy," I said to him. "I saw it all."
"I'm surprised that you're even talking to me now," he said.
He was so handsome that it hurt. I mean, he had blond hair and blue eyes and looked like he could have been a movie star. I was just hoping that he would be as hot for me as I was feeling for him.
"If you want to know the truth, Mike, I think that you and I could make beautiful music together, if you're in the mood."
He started to laugh then and I told him just what I had in mind.
As it turned out, he could remember being a sadist for years. He didn't really know where it stemmed from and during that talk, I told him all about David and how David says if you try to delve too deep, you lose it.
Mike had an apartment off campus and he told me that he wanted to show me some of the things that he had. I was more than happy to go back with him.
After he stripped me, or rather, I stripped myself, he took this leather harness that he had and put it around my neck. Then, he took these leather straps that were connected to it and he pulled them behind my back and started to bind my hands together. Next, he took these nipple clamps and he put them on my nipples.
Each one seemed to cut harder into my nipple. There were these metal teeth to the clamps and I couldn't believe how much they hurt when they were on.
But the hurt was wonderful. It was one of the best things that I ever felt.
Next, Mike put these clamps on my cunt lips. I don't even remember exactly what they were, but they did stretch my pussy wide open. I could feel a cool breeze blowing inside of, me and being so helpless was turning me on.
"Now, get on your knees and crawl to me, my slave," he said.
Getting down was hard enough, but with those clamps on, it was even harder. As I tried to crawl toward him, he was taking step after step backwards. He had opened his pants and he had pulled his cock out. I could see how beautiful it was, long and thick and almost gold in color.
"This will be your reward," he said to me. "When you get it."
He led me all over the apartment like that. Once, I lost my balance and as I fell forward, I felt the clips on my nipples cutting in deeper. It was as if they were being pressed into my flesh and I could hardly bear it.
He moved his foot to my neck and helped me regain my balance, but the humiliation of him working with his foot just turned me on. He rubbed it against my lips for a few seconds and told me to lick his toes.
Of course, I did it, but I wanted his cock more than anything else.
When I finally did get it, I got it much harder than I ever would have thought.
He moved it right to my lips and he slammed it into my mouth. I could feel his groin hitting me right in the face and his cock head was deep in my throat. He held himself there, longer than any man ever had.
I was gagging and choking and he could see the way the tears were rolling out of my eyes, down my cheeks.
He laughed about the whole thing and he kept slapping his cock in and out of my mouth. I had learned to love the taste of come by that time, but he didn't even let me have a chance to taste him.
Instead, just as he was about to come, he pulled out and started to jerk the cream off, all over my body. Seeing it landing on my tits made me so mad.
"You fucker," I screamed at him. "The least you could have done, after making me suck you off like that, was let me taste it."
He continued to jerk off all over my body. Then, he walked to get his whip and he started to whip my back as hard as he could. I could feel my flesh tearing and that time was one of the only times when Mike drew blood.
But he was doing it for a reason, which of course, he made known.
"Never do I ever want to hear you talk to your master like that," he was screaming at me. "Remember that I am always your master. And when I do something, I do it for a reason that only I might know about. You don't like it, that's tough shit. You keep your mouth closed and say nothing about it."
And I knew that he was right. I had cursed him out and I shouldn't have.
The whipping turned me on so much. My body was sweating like crazy and I could feel my clit throbbing harder and harder. I guess maybe the clamps down by my cunt had something to do with it, too. The breeze blowing over my exposed clit was keeping me turned on as well as the whipping.
I came without any direct cunt stimulation for the first time in my life and when that started to happen, I knew that Mike was the man for me.
Q. How long have you been married and is it as good as it was at the start?
We've been married now for ten years and I can say that it's better than it was at the start, but that's only because we both know what we like and what turns us on and we both realize that you have to keep working at these things if you want to stay happy. Of course you can get bored with the person you live your life with, but if you know how to keep varying things, you keep loving it.
For instance, there are times when I might do something bad, like forgetting to carry out an order Mike gives me before he goes to work and when he comes home and finds out, he really does a number on me.
Once, he hung me upside down, stringing a rope from the beams that run across our bedroom ceiling and he started to whip me. He called me his disobedient slave then and I honestly felt like I was a slave being whipped by her master.
Then, he moved his hard cock to my mouth and he started to fuck my face, while I was still hanging like that. He moved his mouth to my cunt and when he started to bite into my clit, I thought that I was going to pass out. I could feel myself coming, since the whole thing was so fucking sensational.
He was fingering my asshole with a dry finger at the same time and that was adding to the pain as well as everything else.
He started to come in my mouth that time and I did almost choke, since I was hanging upside down and all the blood was rushing to my head.
Mike was laughing the whole time and he started to pinch my clit as he was coming, so that we could come together.
Other times, he might go to work and leave me tied to the bed. That's when he thinks I might go out and cheat on him, which has been known to happen. However, I only cheat on him because I know that I'll probably get caught at it. Like, for instance, I'll invite a delivery boy inside when he comes to deliver the groceries and then, I'll make sure that I blow him in the bedroom.
I'll also make sure that he leaves a pubic hair or two lying around and even more so, I'll make sure that the hairs are different in color from Mike's.
He knows that the only reason I do things like that is because I want him to punish me when he finds out about it. After all, I could easily change the sheets, or just check the bed to make sure that there are no signs left around. But I don't, because I love it when he's mean to me.
So he'll tie me up, tight, the same way I saw my mother tied up that time and he'll leave me in the bedroom the whole time that he's at work.
Usually, that means I have to go the whole day, naked and unable to go to the bathroom and you can't imagine how much that hurts.
Once, in fact, he gave me a huge enema before he went to work. He left me tied to the bed and I really had to let that water out of me, but knew that if I did it on the bed, I would be lying in the mess all day.
Somehow, I managed to hold back for most of the day, but about two hours before he was going to come home, I just couldn't hold back any longer. It was just too much for me to bear and when he came home and saw the mess, he whipped me like crazy, so that I was corning harder than I had in the longest time.
Q. Are you happy with this set-up?
Don't I look happy? I mean, some of my friends would probably think that I was crazy if I told them just what was going on in my house, but I know that I'm not.
Look, I learned years ago not to question these things and I never have.
I also learned that sex is so important for a good marriage and as long as Mike and I have this sensational sex life, why should either one of us change? I know that we have a better sex life than most of my friends.
When we all get together, I can see the hostility between some of the couples and Mike and I never feel hostile.
It's because I know my place with him. He is my master and I am his slave and even though we don't broadcast what happens between us in public, some of my friends know that we must have a great sex life. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a girlfriend will come over to me and ask me what my secret is.
I never tell, though. It's our little secret.
Libby D.
Interviewed: January 15, 1979
Q. Now, in reading over some of the preliminary forms that we asked you to fill out before the verbal interview, I see that it says you didn't realize you were into any kind of S and M until after you were married. Is that correct?
Yes, it is. I did realize that whatever I was doing before I was married, wasn't quite right, because I wasn't coming hard enough. But I didn't know what I should be doing to make it right.
Q. How did you know that it wasn't right for you?
Well, that's easy to answer.
I think that anyone who leads any kind of normal sex life when he or she is younger, has to have masturbated for a time, too. Masturbation is a very important part of a person's sex life, especially before he or she is with another person.
Now I have an older sister named Emily and I can remember that she used to do it quite a lot. Masturbation, I mean.
She would tell me about it, even as early as age seven, for me. She was fifteen at the time and maybe she thought that she would be educating me and helping me along as she was doing it to me.
She would tell me all about how her fingers could cause her clitoris to stiffen and how, when she would wiggle it back and forth after it was stiff, she would feel something that she was calling an orgasm.
Naturally, even at the young age that I was at, it intrigued me.
I started to masturbate when I was eight. Now I'm not saying that I felt anything from it back then because I was hardly even grown up. I didn't have any pubic hair and it was going to take many years before I did develop.
Still, I could feel a certain kind of feeling in my body. A heightened feeling, but that's all I can really say about it.
Anyway, by the time I was sexually mature, I was something of a frustrated masturbator. That happened, I'm sure, because of all those times when I would do it and nothing would happen. I would jerk my fingers even faster, in a desperate hope that something would happen and I would feel pleasure.
In doing that, I would be pinching my clitoris and sometimes squeezing it so hard.
Then, by the time I was about twelve and I had grown some pubic hair and I had matured quite a bit, I was really coming hard. But I was pinching myself to do it because that was the way I had been doing it all along.
I'll never forget the first time that it happened. I was playing with myself as I always had and suddenly, I could feel this wetness building up inside of my cunt. That had never happened before and as it started to get wetter, I could feel the way my cunt was beginning to spasm hard around my fingers.
I pinched my clit even harder and then I started to come. The cream was rolling down all over my fingers and the release felt so sensational.
Although I didn't have much by way of tits and mostly, all that I had were my nipples, they were sticking up straight and they were so stiff.
Well, because I got myself used to that hard masturbation, pinching and sometimes twisting my clit as well, that seemed to be the only way I could get off. But you can believe that when I got off, it was sensational.
It reached a point where I would masturbate at least five times a day, whenever I had the chance. Most of the times, it would be late at night, when everyone in my house was asleep. Whenever I had trouble falling asleep, I knew that all I had to do would be to kick the covers down and then start to play with myself.
Once I would do that, the feelings would build up inside of me. I would feel my whole body getting all wet with sweat, just as I was about to come and when I did start to come, my cunt would be spasming hard.
Remember, though, my fingers were always torturing my clit in a way. I didn't know that most people got off on rubbing themselves gently.
As I said, I started to realize that it was right for me to have it hard when I began to go out with boys and let them use me.
The first boy I ever went out with was named Dick and all he wanted to do, because I was only fourteen and he was fifteen, was finger me. He managed to get his hands into my panties (just so he could tell his friends about it afterwards, I'm sure) and he started to play with my cunt, gently.
He had been rubbing my cunt lips more gently than I had ever done it and nothing at all was happening. I couldn't believe it.
I don't think that he knew much about cunts himself, otherwise, he would have been able to sense that he wasn't doing much to me. He kept playing with my cunt lips, until he could feel some kind of wetness.
I don't even know what it was. Maybe it was sweat from my thighs, just because his hand was there and I was nervous. I can say with full knowledge that it was not any kind of wetness from his probing fingers. No fucking way.
He finally did slide his fingers into me and he started to wiggle my clit back and forth. I couldn't believe the way that he was doing it.
Gentle was definitely the word. He was rubbing it between his fingers and he was moaning so loud as he did it. I wasn't getting wet at all and the whole thing just felt like some kind of intrusion. I was honestly thinking of asking him to pull his fingers out of me, but then, I decided to go along with it.
I opened my mouth and started to moan. I told him how good it was feeling and when he heard that, I could sense that he was even starting to get more aggressive. You don't know how much I was looking forward to that.
He started to wiggle my clit back and forth a little harder and a little faster and I could feel some momentary pleasure filling my body up. It was nice, but as I said, it only lasted for a moment.
I spasmed a little bit, because, he was doing it harder, but it certainly didn't compare to the kinds of pleasure that I could bring to myself when I would be so rough with my clit and pinch it for minutes at a time.
Of course, I didn't really think about it at the time. As I said, I just knew that something wasn't working right and so, that night, when I went home, I decided to have a long talk with my sister Emily.
"You mean you already started doing things?" she asked me and she seemed shocked to have heard me say it.
"It was only fingering, Emily and nothing more."
"Well, what was wrong with him? Didn't he want to do more?"
"That's not the point. Remember when you told me how good masturbation could feel? Well, I agree with you. But when he was doing it to me, it didn't feel as good as it feels when I do it to myself. It should have."
"What makes you think that it should have?" she asked me.
"Sex is between two people. At least that's what all the books say. True, I know that masturbation is a part of sex, but I thought that it would feel better when someone else did it to me. After all, wouldn't fucking be better than masturbation?"
"Then you just answered your own question, Libby. But wait for that."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Fucking is better than masturbation, but there's no reason for you to go out and lose it to someone as such a young age. I don't think that you'd like to live with yourself afterwards, if you do that."
"Why? When did you lose it, Emily? When did you lose it to a boy?"
She started to cry on me, then and she started to tell me.
I was shocked to hear that my sister had lost it when she was only twelve, to some kid upstate, where she was going to camp. She told me that ever since that time, she had gotten herself some reputation, which she just couldn't live down.
"That's why I want you to wait," she said. "Don't let yourself make the same kind of mistake that I made, sis. Don't."
I promised her that I would wait and I was sorry about it.
Q. Why were you sorry?
Because, as I said, once I did start to fuck, I began to realize that it just wasn't the same for me as masturbation. I started to put two and two together after that. Before I let someone fuck me, all I had to go on was the fingering, which hadn't turned me on the way my own fingers did.
I lost my virginity when I was seventeen, which I think is a long wait for a girl who's already letting boys touch her when she's only fourteen. I mean, I could feel the passions inside of me and I knew that I wanted something other than a finger in my cunt, but I just couldn't think of letting some boy take me.
Jay was the one who did. He and I had been going together in high school and we were both going to be graduating soon. He was a cute kid with red hair and freckles and he just told me that he thought I owed him something.
We had been seeing each other for about two years and I would only let him finger me, while I would be jerking him off at the same time. One night, when I was babysitting for some neighbor, I decided to let him come over and do it to me.
That night, for the first time, I also went down on him. I remember that while I had his cock in my mouth, I was really getting off on the taste of him. I could feel the way his cock would start to throb every so often and then, when he started to come in my mouth, I loved the taste of it. I wanted him to shoot some more, but there was only so much that his cock had to give.
He decided that he wanted to go down on me and I thought that he was almost thinking he owed me as much, since I had sucked him off.
It was not your truly memorable experience.
I was lying naked on the couch with my legs spread and he was licking and sucking at my clit with all the gentle love and affection a man seems to think a woman needs.
Of course, I was not that kind of a woman. I had learned how to turn myself on by fingering myself hard and I was thinking about it was he was licking me. Even the warm heat of his breath couldn't make up for the soothing way in which he was licking me with his long, wet tongue.
He didn't know that much about cunts to begin with, which was good for me.
In fact, when I think about it, I haven't run across many men who do know about the real inner workings of a woman. I can think of how many times I've faked my orgasms for men and I don't think that half of them knew I was faking. They really believed that I was getting off.
Jay did, for sure. When I started to moan, he seemed to suck harder and I could feel the slightest bit of wetness building up in my cunt. It was just a nice, mellow orgasm and certainly, it was not as sensational as it had been with my own fingers.
His cock was hard again by the time he finished eating me, which I knew it would be, since he had been down there for such a long time.
He started to slide his cock into me and my cunt spread easily to take him in.
I could feel the way he was starting to throb the second that he was inside of me and I made sure to wrap my legs around his ass to keep him from thrusting. After all, I wanted to try to come with this fucking and I knew that if he got too excited, he would come very fast and that would be it. The whole thing would be over.
He did slow down, until his throbbing had subsided and then he started to thrust it in and out of me.
Slow and gentle was the word for him.
He seemed to love the feeling of my hot, wet insides and he was moaning louder than I had heard him ever moan before, even when I would be jerking him off and even when I had sucked his cock. He had moaned loud when he had been coming in my mouth, but his fuck moans were incredible.
That was when I started to do some thinking, which I realize could have been detracting from my own pleasures, but not all that much.
Here was Jay, really getting off a hell of a lot on the fucking. That did seem to prove that fucking was the best thing there could be, better than hand jobs or blow jobs, or even masturbation (and I knew about him masturbating because he had done it for me one or two times, before I started to do it to him instead).
If he was really getting off that much, then there had to be something wrong with me. I was thinking that I should have been getting off as much as he was, if not more. I mean, a woman was capable of coming a few times during a fuck session, while a man could only come once before losing his hard-on.
During that first fucking, I didn't come at all. Well, I did come, but I know that it was not because of his cock in my cunt. I can say that for sure.
It was not until I closed my eyes and started to think about the way I would masturbate my own cunt, that I started to come around his cock and then, I could feel him pulsing and within a few more minutes, he had come inside of me.
I was not coming during those moments when he was.
Q. Did it bother you that you could come when you were masturbating and not come as much when someone else was doing it to you?
Of course it did, but that was only because I hadn't really put it all together.
When I did fantasize about the way I was masturbating, I wasn't really telling myself that the reason I could come with my own fingers was because I could do it hard to myself, while the reason I couldn't come with his cock was because he was being too gentle with me. I didn't think about it.
All I thought about was lying in bed and bringing myself pleasure.
Of course, I went right to Emily and talked with her about it.
First, she yelled at me for having lost it, even though I was seventeen. When she heard it was Jay, she did think that it would be all right, since we both knew that he would be going away to college soon.
"But it didn't work for me," I said to her. "Is it possible that a woman just doesn't get off on fucking a man?"
"Of course. Is the woman is a lesbian," she said.
We lived in a small town and I didn't even know what a lesbian was. When she told me that it was a woman who loved other women, I knew that wasn't me. I had never thought about touching another woman in my life, so that wasn't the answer.
"Is there a difference in the way he touches you and the way you touch yourself, Libby?" was what she asked me next.
And I knew that there was.
I was just too scared to admit to myself then, so you can believe that I wouldn't have admitted it to her either.
I just said that there wasn't. Then, she came on with this line that I can think about now and laugh about.
"When you meet the man of your dreams and you love him, then you'll feel it. You probably just can't get into sex without love. I'm that way."
So that was the way I thought for the next few years. Whenever I would fuck someone and nothing good would come of it, I would think that I wasn't in love with the person and that love would make all the difference.
Now when I first met John, I knew that I didn't love him. He was not the most handsome man I had ever met and the first time he ever kissed me, I could smell the scent of alcohol on his breath.
It really turned me off and I couldn't think of ever kissing him again without that smell running through my mind.
John was working at the school cafeteria when I was in college and that was another thing that I didn't like about him. He had dropped out of school and he didn't seem to have any kind of ambition to better himself. It was almost as if he wanted to do that sloppy job for the rest of his life.
He would always give me extra food on my tray that I didn't have to pay for and I think he must have felt that I owed him something because of it. He came up to me one day and asked me out on a date.
I told him that I would go and he showed up, smelling of the alcohol.
In some ways, I think that worked out good for us. You see, he had brought a bottle of scotch along with him.
He took me to a drive-in movie and I knew that he had other things on his mind than to just sit there and watch the movie.
I was drinking a bit, too, so I guess I smelled of the alcohol also.
But when he tried to kiss me and then tried to drive his tongue into my mouth, it was much more than I wanted to put up with.
"Hey, keep your hands to yourself," I said to him. "I didn't agree to go out with you on this date so that you could paw me."
"Why did you go out with me then?" he asked.
"Because you seemed like a nice enough person and you're always putting that extra food on my tray. I thought I owed you a date."
"You fucking, stuck-up bitch," he said. "You don't have to feel like you owe me shit. I never asked you to."
"Then I don't feel it anymore. Take me home."
That was really when he exploded. He got so m d, that he slapped me across the face as hard as he could. Then, he pushed me down on the front seat of his car and he started to press his lips on top of mine.
I could feel the weight of his body pressing on my own body and his hands were starting to move up and down the sides of me. I felt him starting to open my blouse a little bit and he was clawing me.
His fingers were moving to my nipples and he was pulling at them as hard as he could. I could feel something happening to my body.
I couldn't believe the pleasure-that flowed through me. He started to pull my hard nipples so hard, that I felt like he was going to tear them off.
Then, he slid down my body and he started to pull my pants and panties down. I slapped him on the back of the head.
I kept thinking that he was raping me and I hated the idea of it.
That slap on the back of his head really set him off.
He moved his fingers to my cunt and spread my lips as wide apart as he could so that my already erect love button was on display.
"You want to see who can hurt who more?" he asked me.
And then, before I could say anything, he was moving his mouth down to my cunt and he started to bite right into my clit. That's right. He really bit it. I could feel the way he started to grind his teeth together around my clit and I thought that I was going to pass out.
But it was not from the pain, mind you. It was from the pleasure.
John had to know it. He started to suck the juices right out of my cunt, because they had started to flow the second he had bit into me. I was moaning loud, thrusting my cunt up and down against his eager face.
"Yes, keep biting. Hurt me, John. Hurt me."
He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I was asking him to hurt me and then, he slid a finger up my body and started to dig his nails into my nipple. I'll never forget that he left marks on my nipple that didn't go away for days.
And each time I would look at them, after that first night with him, I would feel my cunt starting to spasm. I was reliving the memory.
That night turned out to be the most sensational night of my life, or at least it was the beginning of my fantastic sex life.
He was biting on my clit as hard as he could and the grinding sensation was one that just had me coming over and over again.
I didn't even see when he started to pull his cock out of his pants, but he must have done it at one point or other. Because after a while, just as he had made me come for the fourth or fifth time and I was still catching my breath, I could feel him starting to slide his way up my body.
His cock was rubbing along my leg and it felt fantastic.
"Just wait until you feel the hard painful fucking you're going to be getting," he moaned and I knew that he had to be telling the truth.
I could feel his cock rubbing against my cunt lips then and he rammed himself right into me. The slapping sound of his flesh against my flesh was only made better by the stinging pain that accompanied it.
He started to thrust in and out of me hard and fast and I could feel my flesh burning each time he did it. There were moments when he held himself deep inside of my cunt and he would grind his cock around.
At the same time that he was fucking me hard, he started to bite my nipples with his teeth, moving his mouth from one to the other as fast as he could.
"Shit," I was moaning, "this feels so good. I've never felt anything as good."
"Shut your fucking mouth," he said and he moved his hand to my neck and started to squeeze as hard as he could.
I actually thought that he was going to kill me then. I could hardly breathe, then the terror that ran through my body was working along, with the pain to make me come harder and harder around his cock.
He knew that he was doing it to me, too.
He started to call me a masochist and he was telling me how he had found the girl to turn him on, more than any other girl.
I don't even recall if he used the word sadist then, but I know that we started to talk with each other about it after that first time together.
But that first time was wonderful. The fucking could have gone on for the longest time, but I don't really recall. All I know is that the pain was flowing through my body at every second that he was thrusting, because of the force behind his thrusts and the way he was biting my nipples.
He stopped choking me after a time, but anytime that I opened my mouth to say anything to him, he would start all over again.
He slapped me across the face a few times, too, so that my cheeks were all red and when he started to come, he did something that was incredible.
He slid his fingers into my cunt at the same time that he was shooting off and then he started to pinch and twist my clit. He screamed something about wanting the two of us to come together and he was getting his wish.
I couldn't stop coming, even after his cock had hot all the cream into me, because he was still pinching me nice and hard.
He ate me after he had come, sucking out all the cream and his grinding teeth were still cutting into my clit the whole time he was sucking on it.
That was our first night together and it was so great because it was a first. But after we started going together and even more so, after we got married, I can say that things began to get even better. I entered new worlds that I had never even thought possible.
Q. How did your sex life get better after that?
We started to use all kinds of sexual toys. Most of them were things that he had in his apartment. He had had them there long before he had even met me and when I saw some of them, I knew that he was a sadist from a long time back.
He had this spiked dildo and it was unlike anything that I had ever seen. There were these long metal spikes that ran along the length of it and when he would use that thing on me, it would cut into my flesh, bringing me pleasure at the same time that I would be feeling the pain.
He had all kinds of whips and chains and other devices that he used to string me up with, so that I would be virtually helpless.
I'll never forget the first night I spent at his apartment. We dated a few more times before he ever asked me back there and when he finally did, I was wondering what the hell he was waiting for.
His apartment was put together with a dungeon motif. I couldn't believe the way it looked with all these chains hanging all over the place.
"Why didn't you tell me you were into it this much?" I asked him.
I thought that I wouldn't do anything that he wanted me to do. After all, if I did, then he wouldn't want to punish me and the whole idea was for me to get him mad so that he would punish me.
"Tell me that I am the most handsome man you've ever met," he said.
"You've got to be kidding. You're nice to look at," I told him, which was true. I hadn't been too crazy about his looks from the beginning, but as I learned to love what he had to give me, I liked the way he looked even more. "You are nice to look at, really, but to say that you're the best looking man I've ever met would have to be a big lie on my part. I don't like to lie."
"You fucking bitch," he screamed and then, he lashed me again.
He moved back to the wall and he came back with the spiked dildo. It was the first time I had ever seen anything like it.
He moved it close to my cunt lips and he started to rub it there.
"Say what I want, or else I'll rip your insides to shreds."
"Do it and see if I care," I said to him.
Deep down, I really was more scared than I could ever remember being in my life. In fact, my whole body was trembling.
Now fear, you must remember, is an important part of a good S and M relationship, especially between a man and a woman who have been together for years, the way that John and I have been.
Sometimes, he can threaten to do something and the fear from his threats will affect me more than the actual thing, which he might or might not carry out.
Well, thinking about what that spiked dildo would do to my cunt was scaring the shit out of me and I was already coming.
He laughed when he saw the cream on my thighs and he said something about how much easier it would be to shove it into me, now that I was all wet and ready. And shove it into me was just what he did.
I could feel the way it ripped inside of my cunt and my tender pussy walls felt like they were on fire. He started to turn the thing around inside of me.
"Will you say what I want you to say now?" he asked me.
"Yes," I said. That pain, you have to understand, was much more than I thought I would be able to bear.
I felt like I was going to pass out or something.
"Then tell me that you will marry me and be mine forever."
I couldn't believe it and I can tell from the look on your face that you're having some trouble believing it, too, but that is how he proposed.
I started to laugh then and he turned the dildo more, so that the ripping was even worse than it had been before.
"I'm being serious," he said to me. "I want you to be my wife."
"Do you really?" I asked him. "I think that I would love to."
When he heard that, he pulled the dildo right out of me. Then, he moved his mouth to my nipples and he started to bite on them, one at a time, moving his mouth back and forth from one to the other as fast as he could.
At the same time, I felt his probing fingers starting to move down to my cunt and he began to pinch my clit as hard as he could. I was glad that the cuffs were holding me up, because I could feel the way my knees were starting to buckle as I achieved one of the greatest orgasms of my life.
Q. But weren't you bleeding inside because of the spikes?
I thought that I would have been. As I said, it did feel just like some kind of strange ripping pain, but I wasn't bleeding inside. I could still feel the pain even as he was playing with my clit, but as I said to you earlier, my pain is my pleasure.
That night, he ass fucked me for the first time, too.
He still had me chained up and he told me that because I had been such a good victim and because I had agreed to become his wife, he was going to show me what turned him on more than anything else.
He slid down on his knees behind me and he moved his face to my buttocks. I could feel him pulling my ass cheeks apart and then, he started to move his tongue in and out of my asshole as fast as he could.
It was a nice feeling, even though I wasn't coming. It was too nice.
His tongue was warm and wet and it was causing my asshole to open up for him.
When I was open enough, he started to laugh. He stood up and I could hear the sounds of him opening his clothes. I turned as he exposed his hairy chest and I wanted to bite his nipples so badly.
As he pulled down his pants, I could see how hard his cock was. He moved right behind me and he started to rub that stiff, thick dick between my buttocks. I could feel the way he was thrusting himself forward at the same time.
"What are you going to do?" I asked him, even though I was pretty sure that I had a good idea about it.
"I'm going to fuck that asshole of yours," he said.
"John, please don't do that. I don't think that I'll be able to put up with something like that. That's taking things too far."
"Are you my slave?" he asked, as he slid his fingers around and pinched each one of my nipples, pulling so hard, that I thought he would pull them off.
"Yes," I moaned. "I am your slave. You know that I'll do anything."
"Then you back up against my cock," he said, twisting my red nipples then.
I swear, that was what he wanted me to do. He placed his dick in position, so that it was pressed right up against my asshole and then, he slid his fingers down to my clit and started to twist it.
"Back up," he kept saying and I could feel the way the thicker part of his cock head was already starting to enter my asshole.
I didn't really want to move all the way back, because I could feel the pain ripping through my body already, but he kept pinching my clit and he kept telling me that if I didn't back up all the way, he would really hurt me.
He was hurting me enough already and so, I started to back up all the way, until I could feel his cock deep inside of me.
Then, he started to fuck me like mad, sliding his huge dick in and out of me. I could feel a ripping pain each time he seemed to have pulled all the way back and then he would thrust in deep, but there was nothing that I could do about it. I started to moan as I felt myself coming and he must have felt something happening in my ass, because he started to moan, too.
Soon, he was coming and the flooding feeling of his come in my asshole did manage to soothe the fire that I could feel for the duration of the fuck.
Q. Now in looking over your form again, I can see that where it says occupation, you said that you and your husband have your own freelance business. You say nothing more about it. What kind of a business is it?
We cater to other couples who are into S and M, but who are just a little bit too uptight to deal with it themselves.
Remember I told you that when John and I first met, he was working in the cafeteria of the college I was attending and that he had no ambitions of bettering himself.
Well, we got married after I graduated and got a job as a receptionist for a psychiatrist friend of mine. John worked in his shitty job and I worked in mine and there were a few things happening between us.
For one thing, he was pissed off at me because I was making more money than he was, but I never brought it up. He always did.
Besides, I needed to be making more money, because we never would have been able to live on the shit that he was making.
One day, as I was refiling all my boss's files, because they were pretty fucked up, I started to get interested in some of them. He kept up to date files on all of his patients and since he wasn't there, I started to read some of them.
I went home that night and John was there, sulking.
"Get me a beer, you fucking cunt," he said.
That was one of the times when he was pissed at me for making more money than he was. We had been fighting about it for days and the fight would always end up in the bedroom where he would work his anger out on me by treating me like a punching bag.
I got him the beer and he purposely shook it and then pointed it at me so that when he opened it, it spilled all over me.
I got so mad at him that I started to curse at him. I didn't see that he had a whip in his hand, until after he lashed it out at me.
"Get on your knees and apologize to me, you fucking dog," he said to me and when I wouldn't, he whipped me again.
Then, I did drop to my knees. I started to crawl toward him, just because I wanted to appease him so, that I could bring up my idea.
However, he had some ideas of his own. He started to wrap the whip around my neck and then he was pulling it tight.
"Now, dog, you open my zipper with your teeth and you take out my cock and you suck it off, otherwise, you'll pay for it."
He pulled the whip so hard, that I had to move my mouth down to his cock bulge. I pulled at the zipper as hard as I could and my teeth kept slipping off it. He laughed each time that happened and he cursed at me as well.
Finally, I got it down and then I pulled his cock out.
It was as hard as it could be when he had a full erection and he started to rub the head of it against my lips. I opened my lips wide and stuck my tongue out so that I was licking only the head of it.
Then, he moved his hand behind my head and forced me all the way down. I could feel the way his cock penetrated my throat and even though I started to gag on it a little bit, he was just laughing.
"I hate you more than ever now," he said and that really scared me.
I knew that it was the drink really talking for him, but sometimes, he could get so drunk and really hurt me and not know.
He was doing it then and I could feel myself choking on his cock head each time that he thrust himself deep in my throat. I started to gag around it and he just kept laughing and laughing.
Then, he pulled his cock out of my mouth, still controlling my head with the whip that was now acting as a leash. He moved his hand to the base of his cock and he started to slap me across the face with it.
He had done things like that before, but never as hard as he was doing it then.
I thought, at one point, when he hit my nose, that he might have broken it, but things turned out to be all right there.
Still, my whole face was afire because of the cock whipping, as he liked to call it and he got off on it so much, that he started to come. The first shot of his come went right up my nose and of course, I started to sneeze and cough, which only made him madder at me, so that he was slapping me.
"I don't know how long we can go on like this," he kept saying, even though we had only been married about three years. "I'm going to kill you one day. I hate the fact that you're smarter than me and you have a better job than I do and that you make more money than I do. And hating all that, makes me hate you."
"John, I think I have an answer," I said to him.
When he saw the look on my face, he must have realized that he was really holding that whip too tight, because he loosened the grip.
I started to tell him about what I had been thinking.
"I might be smarter than you when it comes to certain things, but when it comes to S and M, you're the true master. You know more than most people."
"John, there are so many people out in the world who want to get into S and M but just don't know the first things about it. They're too scared that the rest of the world might look down on them and that they won't be able to show their face to their friends again after they do it."
"How do you know all this?" he wanted to know.
And then, I had told him. While reading over my boss's files, I had read so many interesting things that some of his patients had to say. A great many of them were really closet S and M freaks.
Many of the women really wanted to be beaten, although there were a few men who also fell into that category. Then there were others who had the master or mistress fantasy trip, but; just felt too scared and hung-up to try it.
And the more I told John about this, the more I could see his face lighting up. He seemed to be in love with the idea.
It was his idea to advertise in some magazines that were sold all around the nation and I couldn't have been happier. We put our phone number in the paper and you wouldn't believe the kind of response that we got. The first day the paper was out, the phone didn't stop ringing and we had talked about it enough with each other to know that we could hold seminars and charge for them.
And that was what the two of us started to do. We've been doing it now for years and I can't recall any couple who ever came who walked out unsatisfied. I think that we've helped more marriages than my ex-boss did.
Q. Could you tell me what goes on during these sessions that you have?
Sure. I've told you this much. The only thing is, I can't really use the names of any of the people who have come to see us. We promised them all that everything would be held in the strictest of confidence.
All right, let me think.
Yes, I can remember. We once had a group of about eight people, not counting John and myself, which made it ten.
There was this beautiful young blonde girl there. She had been married to her husband for only a few months and he was there, too. She started to tell us that she had always fantasized about being the perfect slave to him.
Of course, he had heard this all before, because as she went on, she told us that she had asked him many times to make her his slave, but he had refused.
He seemed to think that she was perverted and he didn't want to have anything to do with her perverted pleasures.
Well, we asked the girl to strip in the middle of the circle that we always make our clients sit in. She was a bit nervous, at first, but then, I stood up and started to take off all of my clothes.
Things like that always tend to relax a person.
The blonde stripped herself naked and she had a beautiful body. She sat down in the middle of the circle, but then, John stood up.
"Who told you you could sit, you little bitch?" he screamed and he reached for one of his whips and lashed her on the back.
Her husband almost freaked out and the other men had to hold him down, because he looked like he was ready to kill John.
"The whole point of this," John said, talking to the husband who was being restrained by three other men, "is for you to learn that your wife can and will get turned on when she is beaten and made a slave. Once you see it, you might be more willing to carry out her requests."
Then, John preceded to make this woman his slave. He told her to get on her knees and lick the black leather boots that he had on. While she was doing that and was bent over, I could see the way her whole body was starting to sweat. She was moaning rather loud, too, at the same time.
Then, John moved the whip handle to her asshole and he started to drive it into her with a hard force behind it. I could hear her groaning and I could see the way that he was twisting that handle around inside of her.
Still, she didn't really do anything to make him stop. If she wanted him to stop, he would have.
You see, that's something we make clear to everyone when they come. Whenever it gets to be too painful, all they have to do is ask that we stop and we will stop. We don't want to make anyone do anything that they don't really want to do.
John then told her to take his cock out of his pants and suck it.
As she was doing that and she was sitting up on her knees, he wrapped the whip around one of her tits and from the way he was squeezing it, it seemed like he was thinking of cutting her tit right off.
Her nipples looked stiff and I remember that one of them was even throbbing a little bit, so she had to be getting off.
Then, when I looked down near her cunt and saw the way her pussy juices were starting to roll down her thighs, I knew for sure that she was getting off.
She sucked John's cock like she hadn't had one in the longest time and there were many moments when he held her so that his cock was deep in her throat. You could see the way her saliva was dripping out of the side of her mouth and you could hear the way that she was gagging around his cock.
And yet, she was loving him, even though he didn't come in her mouth.
He pulled his cock back long before he was ready to come.
"Now, get on your hands and knees so that I can fuck you like the dog you are," he said to her and she obeyed him.
I remember looking at her husband and I could see that the three men holding him were not using as much restraint as they had been using from the start. He was getting into watching this things, as he realized how much his lovely blonde wife loved it.
She did get down on her hands and knees and John took a leash that he had and put it around her neck.
"I'll fuck the cunt like she really wants it," he moaned.
As he slid his cock into her cunt from behind, he was pulling hard on the leash, so that you could see the way the leather was cutting into her neck. She was gagging and moaning at the same time, but she was loving it, too. That was obvious to everyone who was there that day.
In fact, you could see that each time John would pull his cock back, she would move her ass back so that his cock would be inside of her again, almost as if she never wanted him to pull back.
"Yes, fuck me harder," she started to moan and he did just that. We would all hear the slapping sounds of his groin hitting her ass and John started to moan so loud, that I knew he was going to be coming.
He did and then, he told the other men to take her and treat her like dirt.
Within seconds, one of the man was fucking her cunt from behind, taking over from my husband, while another one was fucking her face, brutally. The one fucking her cunt took control of the whip the whole time.
It was one of the most fabulous sessions that we ever had.
Q. Do you think that people are really learning from these sessions that you and your husband hold? Are they learning about the true art of S and M?
Without a doubt, of course they are. But you have to want to get into it before you can really learn to love it and we make sure that all the people that we train really want to get into it.
Look, I'm for sex, in any form or fashion. I would certainly not want some woman who loves it soft and tender to think that she has to get into being whipped and beaten and treated like shit. No way.
But for that woman who knows she wants it hard and knows that she can only get off on being the slave to her man, I want her to learn the true art to being a slave. After all, if that's what's going to get her off, she should know how to make herself come as hard as she possibly could.
Whenever I think about my early sex life and how unfulfilled I was, I know how right I am.
Janet W.
Interviewed: November 24, 1978
Q. When did you first start to realize that S and M was something that turned you on more than tender, gentle sex?
I think that I'm still beginning to realize it and I imagine that it's going to take me a long time to figure it all out. I always thought that I just wasn't a very sexual person, because I do know some people who tell me that they just don't get turned on by any kind of sex.
I really thought that since there were others, then it was okay to feel the way that I did, or rather, not to feel anything at all.
But now I'm wondering about my friends who tell me that they don't get turned on. I'm wondering if they, like myself, should dig down deep into the furthest part of their minds and try to see if there isn't something that makes them feel horny when they start to think about it.
I'm only beginning to think about these things myself, since I had my first S and M relationship with my husband.
It happened a few months ago and things have really gotten better between the two of us ever since it did happen..
When I think about it more, it really does bother me. I mean, as it was happening between us, I kept thinking that it-was the end of our marriage and instead, it really turned out to be a whole new beginning.
Q. Would you like to go into more detail?
Well, as I told you, I didn't really think that I was a very sexual person. I guess that was one of the reasons why Bill and I didn't make love that often.
I also imagine that it was one of the reasons why he started stepping out on me. I don't even know if people still use that term, stepping out, anymore, but that was what he was doing and I knew it.
He would come home and he would smell of another woman's perfume and once, I even found some lipstick stains on his shirt. I knew that he was being unfaithful to me, but I kept thinking that it had to be okay.
After all, I knew that I would have liked him to be doing it with someone else, rather than with me.
You see, the last few times we had been together, before the fight, it hadn't been as good as usual. If anything, it was even worse and because of that, I would always feel pain from the fucking.
It's not the same kind of pain that I would feel now, with the S and M thing. It was a whole different kind of pain.
He would start to try and make love to me and I would lay there on my back, with my eyes clenched shut, as if I just wanted him to get it over with. He was a smart enough man to know what that look on my face meant and I know that it must have hurt him to see me looking like a sacrifice.
He'd be eating me and then he would look up and see that pained expression on my face so I couldn't blame him for the way he would fuck me.
Basically, since I wasn't getting wet, he would spit into my cunt, the same way he did it in my asshole, that time he fucked me hard and made me come because of the S and M feeling behind it.
But my asshole needed lubrication, whereas my cunt, if I was functioning like a normal woman would have been, wouldn't have needed it.
But Bill would spit into me and then, he would get me wet. He would slide his way up my body and when his cock would enter my cunt, I would start to moan. He'd know that I was putting on the whole thing.
He was a smart man and it wouldn't have taken a stupid one to know.
Bill's cock would hurt me those times, because my cunt would only stay wet for so long and then it would start to feel chafed. Still, he would be thrusting in and out of me like crazy, as if the only thing he had in mind was coming.
The longer it took him to come, the more it would hurt me.
And since I was doing less and less to turn him on as time went by, it would take him a longer time. In that way, we just kept hurting each other over and over again and it was not the most pleasant situation.
Well, when he would finally come, it would be all right. I'd just feel relief because I would feel the come lining my chafed walls, for one thing and even more so, I would feel relief because I would know that it was over.
So how could I blame him for stepping out? It was like he was fucking this dead fish, for that was how I was feeling.
I know that the only reason he stayed with me as long as he did, before we learned how much more fun it was to be into S and M, was because I had had two of his children and he had come from a broken home.
"I'll, never leave you so that it happens to my kids," he told me more times that I wish to remember, because each time he would be saying it, it would be during one of our fights, where I would tell him to leave if he was unsatisfied.
Well, one day, I noticed that we had a new mailman.
Now as I said, even though I haven't come many times in my early life, I am still attracted to people.
Our mailman was one of the most handsome men that I had ever seen. He had short blond hair and he almost reminded me of myself. That might sound very vain, but I know that I'm a very good looking person.
Plus, there is such a thing as narcissism and I've heard of many people who could just get off on themselves. I should add, however, that I rarely got off myself, even when I would masturbate. I just wasn't doing it hard and I didn't really know that was what I was looking for.
The mailman's name was Jim and he was so cute, that I started to invite him in for coffee, whenever he would pass by our place.
Soon, his visits were longer and longer and then, one day, he started to come on to me. It had been such a long time since a man had made a direct pass at me, that I was not only flattered, but feeling a bit horny.
Or so I thought. I mean, I could feel a wetness in my cunt, but that wetness was about as wet as I was to get with him.
"Would you like me to make love to you?" he asked me.
"Yes," I said. "Come up with me to my bedroom."
The kids were at school and I thought that it would be all right to take him up. After all, when I thought about Bill and how he could come so fast when he wanted to, I knew that Jim wouldn't be up in my room for too long a time.
I thought that I deserved it, too.
After all, I had suspected that my husband had been cheating for the past few years and since he had been doing it for so long, I thought that I deserved it.
Jim started to undress and his body was so different from Bill's. He had no hair at all on his chest and because he was light-haired, the hair around his cock was really light, too.
I loved the way that he looked and it was the first time that I could ever remember really loving the way that a man looked.
I was still scared, however, as he started to undress me. He complimented me on my hard pink nipples and my firm tits. Then, he moved his mouth down to my cunt and he started to kiss the blonde hairs.
That felt so nice. I moved my hand to his cock and began to play with it more than I had ever played with my husband's cock. I could feel how hard Jim was and while he continued to eat me, I pulled him over to my mouth.
I started to suck on his cock. I could taste a drop of come at the tip and I licked it away, then opened wider so he could thrust deep into my mouth. I took him in deep and held him there for the longest time.
He was on top of me and he soon started to fuck my face.
He was still eating me all this time, even though I could hardly feel anything down near my cunt. He was licking my clit gently and sucking on it, too. Then he would nibble on it, but he would only nibble.
Maybe if he would have started to bite, it would have felt good.
Anyway, at one point, when I realized that his cock was moving too deep in my throat for me to handle, I slid my hand to the base of him, so that I could jerk him off at the same time that I was sucking him.
I heard the way he was moaning as I did that and then, his cock started to throb.
Soon, I could feel the come pouring out into my mouth. I sucked as hard as I could and he was moaning louder than I had ever heard any man moan.
"Oh yeah, keep flicking that tongue over the head," he was saying. "I love the feeling when your tongue is on my cock head. Keep it up."
And so, I did. I must have kept sucking him for the longest time and then, he pulled out of my mouth and turned his body around.
His cock was still hard and my cunt was so wet with his saliva, that he could slide it right into me with ease.
He started to fuck me and I'm glad that he had gotten me as wet as he did. Unlike those last times with my husband, before the S and M, where I would dry up long before Bill came, Jim had gotten me so wet, that even though I wasn't producing any of my own natural cunt cream, he was still able to fuck a lubricated cunt.
He kept fucking me for the longest time, too and when he started to come, I just couldn't believe how sensational it was feeling.
The pumping feeling of his cock was strong inside of me.
Still and all, it was not enough to make me come, even though I could tell from his moans and the sweat that was pouring off his body, that he was having a good time.
After that, he got dressed and he left.
I started to see him almost every week day, except for those days when my husband would be home sick from work. Then I couldn't take Jim up to the bedroom, but there were one or two occasions when I would give him a hand job in the kitchen, even as Bill was lying upstairs sick in our bed.
I would think about all those times that Bill must have stepped out on me and then I would think that I was doing the right thing.
Of course, now that I think about it, I know that it's wrong. Two wrongs never made a right in the first place and that was all I was doing. Another wrong, that is.
I'll never forget that last time I was with Jim, only because I started to get a little hot as he was eating me.
He had been getting more and more aggressive with me, after our affair had been going on for about three months and when he would eat my cunt, he would start to bite into my clit, just a little bit.
He would always pull back some, just because he might have thought that he was hurting me. I was too shy and maybe too embarrassed, to let him know that those times when he would bite me were better than any of the other times. I didn't want him to think that there was anything sick about me.
Well, he started to come in my mouth, while I was sucking him and then, I started to come. As he was biting my clit, I was coming even harder.
I started to realize that I was into pain a little bit, then.
That night, I remember that my kids wanted to sleep over at their friends' houses and I was only too happy to let them. I knew that something was going to happen between me and my husband and I was looking forward to it.
You see, I had made sure to leave the sheets the way that they had been after Jim and I had started to fuck. I wanted Bill to know that I had been fucking someone other than him and he sure enough found out.
There was a large dried come stain on the sheet and he knew that it hadn't been there that morning. When he saw it, he started to scream at me and he was calling me all kinds of names, like whore and bitch and cunt.
"I only started to cheat on you because I knew that you were cheating on me," I said to him. "I never would have done it if you hadn't been."
"How do you know that I've been cheating?" he asked.
"I can see the lipstick and smell the perfume. Who are you doing it with?"
"That's none of your business," he said to me. "What about you?"
"I feel the same way. I'm not going to tell you."
"And you've only been doing it because you know that I have?"
"Yes," I said and I was in tears.
In fact, I was thinking that my tears might make some of his anger subside and I was really hoping that it would.
If anything, he got more furious. He walked over to me, pulled me by my blonde hair so that I was staring up right into his face and then he pulled his hand back and slapped me so hard across the face, screaming at me at the same time.
"You stupid bitch. Why didn't you talk to me about it instead of going out and making a whore of yourself?"
I was more shocked than I had ever been, with him calling me a whore and all.
I worked up some saliva in my mouth and I spit into his face.
He slapped me harder then and he told me that men could cheat, especially if their wives turned out to be such cold bitches.
"If you might get turned on when I fuck you, then I might never have started to cheat on you. I could still love you if only you would get into the sex that we have at times, but you turn yourself right off."
"Bullshit. You're just a shitty fucker," I said.
I knew that I was lying, but I wasn't going to let him say those things about me. I was lying though, only to save face. I didn't want to think about my early sex life and how I had never come.
In fact, I was sure that I was trying to blame it all on him.
But that only made him madder. He started to scream about how Shelley could get off and he was doing the same things to her that he would do to me. He said that I was just cold and that I would probably never learn how to get turned on.
He kept hitting me as he was speaking to me like that and I could feel the heat burning through my body.
I felt hotter than I had ever felt in my life. My tits were heaving up and down in the tight confines of my bra and I could even feel the way my legs were starting to get a little bit weak. I was getting wet between my legs and I started to moan a little bit, which made him aware of something.
He moved his fingers to my blouse and he ripped it right open in the front, then preceded to do the same thing with my bra.
My nipples were so stiff and he saw what happened to them.
"You love it hard," he said to me. "You fucking love it hard."
To prove his point, he moved his hand down to my nipple and he started to pinch the thing as hard as he possibly could. I could feel the pain running through my body and even though it was intense, hard pain, it turned into pleasure between my legs. It was one of the most strange feelings I had ever felt.
He pushed be back on the bed and he sat on my tits. I thought that he was going to take his cock out of his pants and force it into my mouth. He had done that once or twice and I had always hated it.
He did nothing like that. He sat on my arms at the same time, with his knees and then he started to pull his belt off.
"I'm going to turn you on," he said to me. "I think that I've found the key to turning a cold bitch into a hot one."
"Don't you call me a bitch, you scumbag," I screamed at him.
But he was just laughing. He seemed to be having the time of his life as he started to tie my wrists together with his belt. He tied them tight and then, he pulled them up over my head and tied the belt to the bedpost.
He had done a good job. As he pulled his hands down, I tried to pull mine free, but I was his prisoner. I couldn't get them free.
I spit at him again and he slapped me across the face again. I could feel the way my cheeks were stinging and I hated him for what he was doing. And yet, even before he started to hit and bite me, I knew that he had found the key.
I was just starting to realize it myself.
He moved his mouth to mine and when he tried to kiss me and I kept my lips clenched shut, he slid his hand down my belly.
He reached into my pants and panties and he started to pull on my cunt lips as hard as he could. His fingers started to slide off them, however and we both came to the realization that I was wet.
It was one of the first times in a long time that I had been wet.
True, when we first started to date, I would get a little turned on, but that was only because the whole thing was so new to me, especially with him. I was just thrilled to be feeling a man touching me back then.
Had I really been into the way he used to fuck me, then I imagine that I would have still gotten turned on, even after years of marriage.
He started to laugh as he felt my wet cunt lips.
"Yeah, you want some pain, you evil little bitch. You've probably always wanted to feel some pain, but you never told me."
"I never knew," I said to him, barely able to catch my breath.
"That's a first," he said. "You're panting, as if you're really feeling some sexual heat surging through your body. A fucking first."
Then, he started to lick his way down my neck. However, when he could sense that it wasn't turning me on so much, he started to bite me. Yes, he was actually biting my neck and then he started to bite my tits.
When I felt his teeth sinking into my tit flesh, I could hardly control myself.
For a second, I thought about how glad I was the kids were away. Maybe, deep down, I had planned for something like this to happen, although I don't really know for sure. I imagine that I must have, leaving Jim's come stains on the sheet, instead of changing them the way I usually did.
Anyway, when Bill started to bite into my nipples, I thought that I was just going to pass out. He ground his teeth around them, one at a time, of course and I thought that there would reach a moment when his teeth would meet and my nipple would no longer be connected to my tits.
That never happened, but the fear that it might turned me on.
He bit my nipples for the longest time and as I recall, the teeth marks that he left on them were still there for days after it happened. I'll never forget that.
Anyway, after he had bit them for a long time, he started to bite his way down my body, hard and fast.
He ripped at my pants and panties, practically tearing them to shreds and he started to laugh when he spread my cunt lips. He yanked them as wide apart as he possibly could and I thought that he was going to rip my cunt apart.
In some ways, he did, even though I loved the way it was feeling.
He clawed at me to keep my cunt lips spread and my clit was exposed so that he could start to nibble on it, almost the same way that he had nibbled on my tits.
I mean bite. Yes, that's what he did. Long before it happened, I sensed that it was going to happen. He was opening and closing his lips around my clit and it was throbbing and stiff. Every so often, I could feel his teeth brushing against my clit and I was anticipating the moment when he would clamp them shut.
It happened soon enough. I felt his teeth rubbing against my clit and then he was biting into me like a crazy man.
At the same time, his fingers slid up to my tits and he was pinching them.
I opened my mouth because I wanted to scream and tell him that he was really killing me and that I wouldn't be able to put up with what he was doing for too much longer. I wanted to tell him that he would kill me.
But I could hardly even catch my breath. I was panting so much and my cunt was spasming over and over again.
I could feel the way my juices were starting to flow and then, he was sucking on them hard. When that happened, of course, he was no longer biting me and that was one of the reasons why I loved it.
I could feel him suck me dry and then he started to bite me all over again.
He looked up at me and there was a glimmer in his eyes.
He knew what I was feeling and he continued to do it to me hard.
I don't even know how many times I came while he was eating me, but that wasn't all that he did to me that day.
He started to slide up my body and I could see that his cock was now out of his pants and it was looking so hard and menacing.
"Do you want a nice, hard fuck?" he asked me. "Is that what you want?"
"Yes," I said to him. "Please."
"Beg me for it, you bitch," he said. "Beg me for it and promise me that you'll never cheat on me again. Call me your master and tell me that you'll always be my slave and that you'll do whatever I want you to."
"Yes," I said to him. "I am your slave. Just make me come as hard with your cock in me as you made me come while eating me. That's all I can ask of you."
"And you shall get what you ask for," he moaned.
He thrust into me and I could feel his cock being driven into me so hard. Never before had he ever entered me with such power behind his thrusting. I could feel his groin slapping against my thighs and I started to groan with pleasure.
Then, as I lifted my ass up off the bed a little bit, so that I could meet him halfway in the fucking, he slid his hands under my buttocks and started to move his fingers to my asshole. He started to finger fuck my ass and that made me burn.
I had never let him touch my asshole before and he knew that I hated it. But he also knew, then, that in bringing me pain, he was bringing me pleasure and that was really all he had in mind.
I started to moan as he kept fucking me and I was really coming.
Yes. I could hardly even believe it myself, considering all those other times when he had fucked me and I hadn't come.
I had been reaching a point, with sex, where I was so sure it was just for a man and a woman to have kids with and nothing else. After all, I didn't feel anything.
But that time, I did and we both knew it. My body was so wet with sweat, that as he started to come inside of me and he pressed himself down on top of me, he could hardly even stay on me. He just kept sliding all over me, but he made sure to keep his cock in so that I could feel the very last drop of his come shooting inside.
He lay there for the longest time and then, as he pulled his head up, he started to smile at me. I had to smile back.
"I think you and I are going to start all over," he said to me.
"Christ, I hope so. It was the best beginning!"
Q. Did you really think it would be a new beginning?
Of course I did. Look, when you've had as many sexual experiences as I had had up until that point in your life and nothing happened those other times and then something finally happens so that you know what turns you on, you're going to really try and experiment with other things.
Q. And is that what you tried after that night you learned about it?
We even tried more that night, if you want to know the truth.
We had started to fight before he had even eaten dinner and after that heavy fucking and sucking session, we were both starved.
He started to climb off my body and then he told me that he would untie my hands.
"But when I do, I want you to remember that you are my slave and that you will do whatever I want you to do."
"Yes," I said to him.
He slapped me across the face then and told me that I have to address him as my master, at all times. I could feel a tingling in my cunt when he said that to me and I knew that I would easily get into it.
He wanted to eat steak and so, I went down and made two steaks. He called down from the bedroom and he told me that he would like to be served in his bed. I made some salad and vegetables to go with it.
Then, when I walked upstairs, I could see that he was sitting on the bed, naked and with a huge hard-on between his legs. I loved the way that it looked and I knew that I wanted it more than ever.
"Come here," he said to me and I walked over and put the tray down on his lap, covering that magnificent dick.
He turned me around and then, he pulled my hands behind my back. He started to tie them up the tightest that he could and then he turned me back to face him.
"Now you can eat," he said.
"What? How can I eat now, master? You just tied my hands up behind my back and there's no way that I can ..."
"You are my dog. You get down on your knees and you eat like my dog."
And so, I did get down on my hands and knees, on the bed, of course and as he was eating his pieces of steak, after cutting them with a knife and fork, I was biting into my whole chunk, like a dog.
At one point, he slapped me across the face, because I had dripped some juices onto his body and he thought that was a bad thing that I had done.
There was something so incredible about this humiliation. I could feel a constant wetness inside of my cunt and it was the longest, lingering wetness that I had ever felt in my entire life.
I knew that I would love what he would do to me by the end of the night.
After we had finished eating, he put the tray on the floor. Then, he told me that I should stay in my doggie position and he moved onto the bed behind me. He started to move his mouth down to my asshole and he licked it.
"What are you going to do, master?" I asked him.
He was pulling my buttocks wide apart and digging his tongue deeper and deeper into my asshole, which he knew I didn't like.
I had just been able to put up with his fingering of my ass while he had been fucking me, but when I protested, he slapped my ass hard.
"I'm going to fuck this ass of yours," he said. "I've fucked asses on other girls and they all seem to love it. You're the only one that I know who doesn't like it, but I don't really care."
"You'll kill me with the pain," I said to him.
"You're going to love the pain. In fact, you're going to beg me to fuck your ass, if you know what's good for you. You're going to beg me to keep thrusting in and out of your ass and most nights from now on, you're going to want it that way, to the point where I might decide not to do it that way."
"I'll never beg you for that," I said and I really thought that I wouldn't.
Obviously, he knew better. His tongue, flicking in and out of my tight ass was making me feel rather nice and it was relaxing me a bit. Each time that he slapped me on the buttocks, too and I felt a stinging pain, I would feel the way my asshole would loosen up just a bit more.
Then, he started to rub his cock against my ass and he was moving his mouth down to my neck and biting on it.
"Beg, bitch," he said, as I felt his teeth sinking into my neck and his hand sliding down under my body so that he could finger my cunt. "Beg."
"You'll hurt me and I don't want that," I said.
"Haven't you realized that it's the hurt that makes you get horny?" he said to me then and he was spelling it out for me. "You got off on the pain before and it was the first time in your life that you ever got off on pain."
"Yes," I said to him. "I guess that I did get off on it."
"Therefore, you're going to get off on it again. You're going to love my fiery dick inside of your asshole. It can only bring you more pain and you know that more pain will bring you more pleasure. The door to pain and pleasure are so close, that it's easy to bring them together."
And then, I could feel the way my asshole was starting to open and close around his cock head as he was moving himself in a little deeper. He hadn't entered me yet, but I knew that he was going to.
He slammed himself in and at the very same moment that I felt the ripping pain, his fingers started to pinch my clit hard. He twisted it a little bit and then, I could feel the way I was coming.
He moaned as he felt my ass spasming around his cock.
"Yes, you love it," he was saying. "You love the feeling of my cock in your asshole and I want you to admit it."
"I love the pain of it," I said to him. "I love the pain. It's the only kind of pleasure that I know of."
And I was really beginning to believe that it was. I mean, to this day, I'm sure that it has to be. I can think of nothing else that turns me on like pain does. When someone treats me nice, I don't really care.
But when they abuse me, the way that Bill did that night and the way he continues to do it, I love it and I always seem to want more.
Q. There are many women who are into getting it in the ass and they all seem to love it. I don't equate anal intercourse with being a masochist, although, for someone who doesn't like it, it could be considered masochistic. Think back to your past now and tell me if you can think of anything that might explain this need in you. Was there any incident in your childhood where someone inflicted pain?
Well, I used to play games with my older brothers and they were always abusing me in certain ways that sometimes hurt me.
We used to get into playing cowboys and indians and I was always the cowgirl and they were always the indians.
I never really talked with anyone about this and it's all starting to come back to me. They really did abuse me.
You see, since we didn't really know all that much about sex, because my folks were very uptight about it and seemed to be trying to shelter us, we had to learn from each other.
Since I was the only girl and they were two stronger boys, they really did a number on me that used to hurt me so-much.
I can remember once when they had me tied and they started to take off their belts and whip me. I kept thinking that the game was going a little too far and I wanted to say that to both of them.
But they didn't seem to care. They were, in fact, getting off on the way that they were abusing me. They kept whipping me, even to the point where they cut into my flesh with their belts and drew blood.
Another time, they tied me up, like I was the damsel in distress.
Sid, the older of the two, was supposed to be the hero and Jeff was the mean man. He was the one who was tying me to the railroad tracks and all that. He did have me tied up very tightly.
Well, when Sid came over to try and protect me and save me, he and Jeff got into some kind of a mock fight. I was still tied when Jeff moved his hands to my blouse and started to pull it open, exposing my small tits.
"You can do anything that you want to do to these, if you just leave her here," Jeff said and they both laughed.
"But what will she do for me?" Sid asked.
And then, I could see that he was getting hard in his pants. I had seen them with their naked cocks out, hard and soft and I knew that they would get turned on when their cocks were hard.
Sid pulled his fly open and pulled his cock out of his pants. He started to move it to my mouth and I could feel the way he was pulling on my hair.
"Open your mouth, or I'll never save you. I'll never save you. I'll let you lie here until the train comes and runs you right over."
I had to open my mouth, not because of his threat, of course, but because of the way that he was pulling on my hair. I wanted to scream, but just then, he started to come. I guess that he was so excited and he was coming in my mouth. I didn't swallow any of it, of course.
In fact, I remember that I started to spit it up, right back into his face and then he was slapping me hard across the face.
They were both laughing and talking about how worthless a girl like me was.
Then, Jeff pulled out his cock and he started to rub it against my tits, moving it closer to my mouth at the same time. He didn't get it into my mouth, but he did start to come all over my face.
I remember how shocked and revolted I was then. I wished that they would have untied me, but they kept me tied for a long time.
There were other times when they would play these games.
As I recall, they always started to happen whenever my mother would leave me in their care, if she and my father were going out for dinner or out to the movies, or something like that and Sid and Jeff had to babysit for me.
Almost all the time, as soon as the door was closed and they were leaving, I would hear my brothers starting to plot.
"Let's play another game," one of them would say and the other would agree.
I was always the victim, no matter what kind of a game they ended up playing.
Q. Did any of your brothers ever take you?
No, neither one of them ever took me with his cock or anything like that,
But now that I remember it, they did really start to abuse me once. They had me tied up and I can't even remember the game that we were supposed to be playing, because they all seemed the same, with me as the victim.
Anyway, it was happening late at night, when my folks were away and I was only wearing my nightgown. As I tried to kick and struggle to get away from them, they began to push my nightgown up.
They had to know what a cunt was, but they started to kid about it.
"Hey look here," Sid said, "she lost her dick. Someone must have come along and cut her dick right off."
"Maybe they pushed it inside of her. Let's see."
I could feel my legs being yanked wide apart and then, one was reaching inside of me and starting to pull. It was as if he was trying to pull my inner cunt walls right out of my body and it hurt like hell.
They kept doing that and when they decided that nothing would come of it, they moved to get something.
It was a bottle. I remember that Sid was the one who started to push it into my cunt and when I started to scream, because the pain that they were both inflicting was so great, Jeff put a gag in my mouth.
"Let's shut her the fuck up," Sid started to say.
And once they were sure that I couldn't scream out anymore, they started to move the bottle in and out of my cunt as fast as they could. I know that I was bleeding when it was all over, but I didn't know that I was bleeding at the time that it was happening. I did feel the pain, though.
It was when they held the bottle up in front of my face that I started to see the blood that was not only inside of the bottle, but outside. They were both laughing as they saw it and when I started to cry, that did nothing to stop them.
They were so evil and I always did hate them. My mother and father could never understand why I would start to freak out when they would leave me home alone with those two monsters. I never told my parents what they did to me.
Q. That must have gone on for quite a number of years. Was there ever a time when you could remember feeling some kind of pleasure from what they were doing? Let me rephrase that just a little bit. Was there ever a time when you could remember the pain being so intense, that you had to force yourself to get into what they were doing to you, otherwise you thought you might die?
Yes, I can remember a time. It was the weirdest, most horrifying experience.
They had me naked and tied to a stake, that they laid across two sticks. Then, they started to build a small fire under me. They didn't make it too big, because they really didn't want the flames to burn me.
But they were playing cannibals, so they said and I was the dinner that they were going to be cooking.
Since I was naked, all part of my body were exposed to the flame. The heat was so intense, that I was sweating the whole time. And as they started to turn the stick so that they could get all parts of my body cooking, they were laughing again.
I felt like I would die that time. I really did.
And I could remember thinking that I had to do something to make sure I didn't die and even more than that, I first wanted to do something to make sure that I wouldn't pass out, because I felt like I was going to.
But I could do nothing. I mean, my hands were tied behind my back and my feet were bound as well and there were two of them and one of me.
I don't know if I started to come then. I can't actually remember feeling anything orgasmic until that time with Bill when he beat me up, but I know that there did reach a point, with my brothers, when I wasn't feeling as bad as I had been.
It was like this: at one point, I thought that I would burn up and die and all of a sudden, I could feel nothing.
I felt okay, I guess, even though I still wished that they would have taken me down. It was the worst thing that they ever did to me.
Maybe I did start to come. I don't really know. I can hardly even remember how I eventually got out of there and I do know that when I was taken down, finally, I ran into the bathroom and took a shower.
A cold shower was the only thing that took the heat away from my body. I could have come, but I don't remember being that wet between the legs.
I don't really know if that was what you had in mind when you asked me the question that you did, but it's the only answer that I can think of.
I want to add something right now. I've talked with my sisters-in-law since I learned that I was into being a masochist.
I was just curious to know if my brothers had turned out to be sadists, considering all the things that they had done to me when I was younger. Although I'm sure that they both are, neither one of my sisters-in-law would admit to it.
I could see the shocked looks on their faces when I asked them, however and I thought that I had hit the nail right on the head. They were just too uptight to admit something like that to me and I don't blame them.
After all, when I think about what I just told you, I know that I wouldn't have told that to anyone in my family. Since you're a stranger, though, it seems like it's all right for me to say it.
Q. So now, we're beginning to put some pieces together and we're starting to see that some of those things your brothers did to you were the things that made you a masochist, at this stage in your life. Are you happy in your role?
Well, as I told you before, if the orgasms stay as good as they've been since I've learned that I get off on pain, then I'll always be happy. There's no reason why I shouldn't be. I mean, when I feel that sexual flow in my body, there's nothing else in the world like it.
Recently, Bill has gone out and he's bought new toys for us. I can remember that I never thought I would need things like that and when I even said as much to my husband, all he could do was laugh at me.
"I'm not talking about needing something," he said to me. "I'm talking about just adding things to the sex, so that it makes it better."
When he said it like that, I had to go along with it.
One of the things that he bought, which I know is rather common but just never had the chance to use myself, was a vibrating dildo.
I couldn't get over it, especially the way he made me use it. He would rub some lubrication on it and then he would force it into my asshole.
Now I've already told you how much I hate to have a cock up my asshole and this thing is even bigger than a cock.
But it does vibrate and that feels good and with it inside of me, I can feel such sensations. The pain is incredible and because it's vibrating, it eases up the pain every so often. So it's something like a flash of pain and then comfort and then another flash of pain.
Bill can usually bite the hell out of my clit while that's happening and he can take more breaks from biting me at the same time, so that he can suck out all the juices that I've been dripping.
I come with that thing in my asshole about twice as much as I would usually come if he was working me over in the ass with his cock.
Also, he bought these handcuffs, that he can use to cuff my wrists to my ankles so that I'm leaning over in that position.
Sometimes, he'll fuck my ass when I'm like that and at other times, he'll just stand behind me and take whip practice, trying to see if he can hit me right between the buttocks with the tip of the whip.
It's incredible. I know that you may be thinking this whole thing sounds sick, but you just must always remember where I'm coming from. These things bring me pleasure and that's what's so important in the end, isn't it?
If they didn't turn me on, I wouldn't be doing them. And to have just discovered how much pleasure I can feel at such a late point in my life is also incredible and that's why I'm really getting into it.
Bill also bought me a tight leather top, that I slide my arms through so he can bind them behind my back, almost like a straight jacket. The only thing is, you hold your arms lower, around your belly, so that your tits can stick out through the hole that are cut there for them.
Once, when he had me tied, he kept moving a lighter to my nipples, but he didn't really burn them all that badly.
Q. Tell me in all honesty, do you think any good comes of this?
For who? Certainly not you, because I can tell by your attitude that you don't really seem to understand this.
But there's a lot of good for me.
Think of your best orgasm for a second. Think of the way your whole body feels. Every sense is heightened, no matter what part of your body you touch. Your skin is tingling because you feel so good.
Whether you're a man or a woman, you still feel basically the same thing. That same fantastically intense feeling, when there's nothing else in the world that matters but savoring it for as long a time as you possibly can.
Think about that.
I believe that it's worth everything in the world. There is nothing better than it and you are so aware of your own feelings as it's happening.
Well, I just need a different way to reach that plateau. I think that there are so many ways, a person can reach it in the world. You can know that just by talking to different people and learning about all the ways you can "get turned on and all the differences that there are.
I love to be abused. Maybe it is because of those things that my brothers did to me. I really think that probably had so much to do with it.
So now that I know, I'm going to take it from there.
Q. Would you say then, that your first climax occurred just a few months ago, when you and your husband had that fight? Would you discount all the other climaxes that might have happened in your earlier life?
Yes, because whatever those things were that were happening to me, they're not orgasms, the way I know an orgasm to be now. They didn't make me feel the way that I know I can feel now.
That's why I'm getting more and more into S and M and Bill is going out and buying more things for us to play with. It's what turns us both on and we want to make sure that we'll keep getting turned on.
I no longer think of myself as one of those people who just can't get turned on and now, whenever I meet a woman who says that she's never had an orgasm, I usually want to tell her that she's just deceiving herself.
That's not to say that she's going to want some S and M action. That's only saying that she's not digging deep enough inside herself to try and think about what it is that will turn her on the most.
God, now that I know I love to be abused, I can even masturbate over it. I think that any person can really know what he or she is into the most by laying back and playing with yourself. All you have to do is closer your eyes and think about things that turn you on and that's all there is to it.
The orgasms that I have now when I masturbate are sensational and ... if Bill ever reads this and learns that I masturbate, he's going to kill me.
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to buy him a copy.
Lucie D.
Interviewed: December 15, 1978
Q. In reading over the form that we asked you to fill out, I see that it says here that you know the definite reason why you're so heavily into an S and M relationship and that it started long before you were ever married. Is that true?
Yes, it is. I can't even remember how long ago it was, because I've been trying to block it from my mind. I really wouldn't want to talk about it, unless you think that it's absolutely necessary that I do so.
Q. It would be a good idea, if you feel strong enough.
All right then.
It happened when I was young. You know how they say that the first time you ever have sex is going to count a lot and it will have a vital effect on your sexual life for the rest of your life?
I didn't really think about it too much when it happened.
You see, I was raped when I was young. I think that I was only about twelve or thirteen, but, as I've said, I've really tried to block the whole thing from my mind. It's not the kind of thing that I like to live over.
I was going to visit a friend one night. We were supposed to be studying for a test that we were going to be having at school. I'll never forget the way my mother told me that I shouldn't take the short cut to Amy's house, because that would lead me through some dark places and shit like that.
Well, you know the way it is. Whenever your mother tells you not to do something and then you do it, you have to pay for it. In fact, I can remember that while it was happening to me, the rape and all, I kept thinking about what my mother would say.
She really is that kind who would have laid an, "I told you so," on me, but in the end, she turned out to be much nicer about it.
Anyway, I was walking down this narrow street and I was passing an alley. I can remember that I was stating facts over and over again because Amy and I were supposed to be studying for a history exam and since I always hated history and thought of it as nothing but memorization, that was what I was trying to do. As I passed this alley, I could hear a little cat crying.
Or at least that was what it seemed like. In the end, I learned, it was one of the three men who was waiting for me. He could imitate a cat really well and since I have always really loved cats, I thought that I should go see what was happening.
The thought of a poor cat trapped in some alley really bothered me.
The moment I walked in, I was jumped from behind. I felt someone putting his hand over my mouth and his other hand immediately went to my blouse and started to push it up, so that he could feel for my tits.
I was young then and just developing. My young titties were small, so I really didn't have to wear any kind of bra. Therefore, once my blouse was pushed up, my tits were naked and exposed and his hands were on my bare flesh.
"Did you get her?" I heard, someone ask and then, as I opened my eyes and all I could really see was blackness, I did see a shadow coming closer.
I tried to bite the hand in my mouth and when I did that, I heard the man behind me starting to yell. The whole time that he was holding me, too, I could feel the way he was pressing his groin against my buttocks, from behind, of course. I could feel a hard cock bulge there and I knew what was going to happen.
I thought that the moment he pulled his hand away from my mouth, I was going to scream. I didn't care if they would have slit my throat. I just kept thinking that I didn't want to have to put up with something like this.
Well, in the end, I really didn't have much of a choice.
I heard the sound of something being unzipped and then, at the same moment that the hand was being pulled out of my mouth, I could feel myself being pushed down. I could feel the cock being forced into my mouth.
That was the cock on the shadow in front of me. I felt that man's hands moving behind my head and then, he was thrusting in and out of my mouth like crazy, his hard throbbing dick pushing its way into the back of my throat.
Now before that time, I would fool around with my older brother, just a little. He was always so proud of his dick and he would always like me to see the way it could go from the soft state to the hard state.
I knew what a hard-on was, then, but I had never even touched my brother.
I'll never forget that there was a certain odor to this man's cock. Each time he rammed it in deep and then he would move, his hands behind my head and hold me so that his cock was in the back of my throat, my nose would be brushing against his pubic patch and I could smell a strong odor.
As it went on, the odor was getting stronger and stronger, too and too, as it was going on, I could feel the man from behind me. He started to pull at my pants and he ripped them open. Then, with one motion, he had his fingers in the elastic of my panties and he was pushing them and my pants down at the same time, so that they were around my ankles.
I couldn't believe it. I hated it. The cold night air was blowing all over me and the man behind me was rubbing his hands over my buttocks. He really yanked them apart, hard and his fingers were moving along my ass crack.
Then, he started to move his hands around to the front of my body and I could feel the way he was rubbing my cunt lips.
I had just started to grow light black hairs around my cunt and he plucked one or two of them out and that pain was so incredible. I hated it. I thought that my knees were going to give out when he did that.
I didn't realize that there was a third man there, until I heard breathing, coming from the right. I knew that it couldn't have been the man who was forcing his cock in and out of my mouth, nor was it the one behind me.
The thought of three of them scared me more than anything else.
Once, when I was in a class, we had had a discussion about rape. There were two sides to the discussion, one which said if it happened, they would fight back and do anything to prevent it. I was on that side.
The other side, however, thought that the best thing to do, in order to save your own life, was just to go along with it and let them do whatever it was they wanted. It's really a very difficult question. But when I realized that there were three of them, I knew that I was going to have to let them do whatever they wanted. I knew that there was no way I would be able to fight back, without them really hurting me.
That's not to say that they weren't hurting me by doing what they were already doing, which was pawing my body like crazy men.
I hated it. But I thought that I would rather live through this thing than have one of them pull out a razor and slit my throat open when it was over. After a few more seconds, the man who was fucking my face started to pulsate hard and I'll never forget the ripping sensation in my jaw as he was pulsing. I really thought that he was going to rip my jaw open.
"Shit, take that come," he started to moan and I could feel it spilling out of the head of his cock and going deep in my throat.
It caught me so off guard, that I started to choke on it and that was when he began to hit me. It was the first time that any of them had hit me, but he was slapping me across the face so hard. It left marks for days.
"You little bitch. Don't you bite down on my dick," he was saying and to tell you the truth, I wasn't even aware that I was doing anything like that. I was just trying to swallow the come so I could breathe.
He pulled his cock out of my mouth, but my throat was aching, as was my jaw and I had forgotten about my plan to scream. Maybe I was even too scared to think about screaming at the time, also.
All I know is that he pushed his semi-hard cock back into my mouth and he told me that if I bit it again, he would kill me.
Of course, I made sure to try and keep my teeth covered with my lips. The last thing in the world that I wanted was for him to kill me.
Meanwhile, the one behind me was starting to pull his cock out of his pants.
He had been fingering my cunt all along and since, as I said, I wasn't that developed, I wasn't getting wet. I can remember having tried to masturbate a few times before that incident and nothing had really happened.
Well, this man fingering me was getting so frustrated since I wasn't getting wet and I could feel how much more rough he was being with me as he kept fingering me. He started to pinch and squeeze my clit, so hard and I couldn't really understand any of it. Did he think that was turning me on?
I would have had enough trouble getting turned on without him being so brutal.
Still, he kept up like that for the longest time, until he decided to pull his hard cock out of his pants. He rubbed it over my ass and between my buttocks and I could feel just how thick the thing was, by the amount that my ass had to spread to keep it lodged between the buttocks.
At one point, when he started to thrust it against my asshole, I thought that I was really going to die. I couldn't imagine that man shoving that thick cock into my asshole.
But he didn't, I'm happy to say.
He started to spit on his hand and then he was moving it down to his cock. He rubbed the wet, dripping saliva all over his shaft and he kept doing that for the longest time until his cock felt wet and slimy. Then, he started to thrust it into me. I couldn't believe it. He just rammed it into my cunt from behind and it was almost as if he didn't even give a shit about me. All he cared about was getting his rocks off.
"Yeah, you slutty little cunt," he started to moan, as he was ramming his way in and out of me. "You sure have a tight box for a little bitch, but the tighter it is, the more I love it. Tight fucking pussy."
Even hearing him saying those things was making me sick. I started to gag around the cock in my mouth again, but I think that the man liked it.
Then, the one fucking my face began to grope at my tits. I could feel his fingers moving all over my tits and he was pulling at them as hard as he possibly could. I thought that I was going to pass out.
"Hey, don't hurt her that bad," the one to the right said.
I tried to look over, but the cock in my mouth was preventing me. The man who had said not to hurt me sounded a little more sane than the others.
I thought, for a few seconds, that maybe I would be able to get him to help me, even though it did seem kind of hopeless. Still, the others seemed more like animals than men and this one seemed like a man.
At least he was a bit concerned over the way I was feeling.
The one who was in my mouth finally pulled out. I started to groan.
"Please don't kill me," I was saying. "Please don't kill me."
And then, the one who had been fucking my mouth, reached for something. I could see the way that it was shining a little bit and it did look like a blade. He started to move it to my throat and I was so scared. I was sure he would slit it open.
I'll never forget what happened next. I mean, I try to, but it always comes back to me. It was the worst part.
I started to reach for his cock. I knew that they could all get off with hard dicks, but I also knew something else. A man's cock was also a vulnerable place.
I remembered my brother once getting kicked in the balls by some girls and he was in such pain for days. I had thought that it was pretty funny, when I first heard about it, but when I had seen the pain he was in, I didn't think it was that funny anymore.
I grabbed at that man's balls and tried to pull them off. I pulled so hard that he was the one who yelled. "You stupid fucker," the guy who was fucking me said to the other one. "Do you want to alert the whole motherfucking neighborhood?"
"She just clawed my fucking balls," he said and he was groaning.
"Well then, let's tie her fucking hands behind her back."
I couldn't believe it. I felt my hands being pulled behind my back and they took my blouse and started to tear it to shreds, they used pieces of my blouse to tie my hands behind my back and after that, I was really trapped.
The man fucking me started to slap my ass each time that he thrust into me and I could feel this stinging pain.
Then, the one with the blade moved it to my hair and he started to cut some off.
"Hey, don't do that," the one to the right said and he walked over.
Since I couldn't see the face's, but only shadows, I was still able to tell that this man was the biggest of the three. Since he also seemed to be telling them what to do, I sensed that he might have been the leader.
All I know is that he pushed the other man away and then he pulled my head up just a little bit. I know that he had to be looking down at me and maybe he could have seen the look of fear in my face. I don't really know.
My eyes were so full of tears by that time, that I could hardly see anything but blurred forms and maybe he knew that.
He started to sink to his knees in front of me and he was licking my clit at the same time that the other man was still fucking me from behind. That felt a little bit nicer than anything else. After all, I know now, from having fucked a lot more than I had when the rape occurred, that a man doesn't make good contact with a woman's clit when he fucks her from behind.
Maybe that man knew it too, because he seemed to be trying to turn me on with his licking. I could feel him wrapping his lips around my clit and then he was flicking his tongue back and forth over the tip.
But I was still too scared to loosen up and get turned on and I think that he was getting more and more frustrated as he was licking me and feeling no response.
That was when he started to bite my clit. He was sinking his teeth down into it and I couldn't believe the pain that was running through me then.
I started to groan and I was begging him to stop.
But he kept on and his teeth were soon grinding back and forth against my clit, harder and harder by the second. The man who was fucking me was starting to pulsate, too and the guy stopped biting my clit just as his friend was coming.
He knew that his friend was coming because the man started to groan like crazy and he started to tell me how he was going to fill my cunt. He also said something about making me pregnant, which scared me.
After he had finished coming in my cunt, they pushed me down on the ground. It seemed like they were going to get ready to run off, but then, one of them looked at the third man who had been biting my clit.
"Aren't you going to get your rocks off on this bitch?" he asked.
"I guess I might as well. Otherwise, the whole thing was a waste."
I was lying on my stomach, almost in a fetal kind of position. The last thing that I wanted was to feel someone violating me again, but then again, I really didn't seem to have much of a choice. They both wanted to see him.
He pulled his cock out and when I wouldn't roll over, he started to rub it against my asshole. He forced it into my ass, without any kind of lubrication and I started to scream, until he reached for the back of my head and started to smash it up and down, so that it was hitting the ground. You can believe that I stopped screaming after the second blow. Something like that really would have killed me, had I let it go on.
He kept fucking my asshole for the longest time and I know that I was bleeding, because I can remember what it was like afterwards.
And when he started to come, I could feel myself being ripped open. His cock had been so thick to begin with and when he was coming and it was pulsating, it was even worse. It was enough to kill.
I felt the cream draining into me and he pulled out immediately. I started to groan, just a little bit more and he kicked me in the back, as if he thought that would keep me quiet and knock me out.
I don't even remember who found me. I only remember waking up in a hospital bed and having to stay in that hospital for about a week. They kept asking me about what happened but I just wouldn't talk about it.
This is, in fact, the first time I've ever talked to anyone about it.
Q. Then you think that this first, brutal rape, had a great deal to do with your desire to be dominated and your masochistic tendencies?
I can't say for sure, because I don't know enough about psychology and things like that, but I'd say that it probably had a lot to do with it.
I remember that for the next few months, all of my friends were really nice to me, since they knew what had happened.
One of my friends, Sarah, lost her virginity about that time. I remember that, she started to tell us all about it one day in school. She had been with this boy named Peter and she told us about how he had licked her tits and then her cunt.
She had started to get really wet and when she was wet enough, he had slid his way up her body and then he had entered her.
The way she described it made sex sound so beautiful. She said that his cock was rubbing against her clitoris and making such nice contact. She also said something about how warm his cock was.
I tried to remember if there had been any heat when the men had taken me, but I just couldn't seem to recall one way or the other.
Anyway, she went on and on, talking about the pleasures and the way her nipples had been so stiff. When Peter had pressed his chest down on her tits, she said that her nipples were actually throbbing like crazy.
He had fucked her for the longest time before he started to come and then, after she finished telling her story, she stopped.
She looked over at me and then she apologized.
"For what?" I asked her. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"I made it sound so beautiful, because that was the way it happened to me that first time. I know that I'm always going to love sex."
"But what does that have to do with me?" I had to know.
"I heard about what happened to you and about your first time. I heard that you were really attacked by some maniacs and that they really raped you."
"Yes," I said and I remember the way my skin crawled.
Every time I thought, about it, that was what happened to me.
"Well, the first time has so much to do with the way you're going to react from now on. I think that you'll never be able to get into soft, tender sex. I'd like to think that it might happen to you. Who knows, anyway? You might not get into sex at all. They say that if you're raped and it's your first time, you might be turned off to cocks for good. Has that happened?"
"No," I said, even though it had been about two years since the rape and I had never even thought about cocks.
In fact, I had stopped trying to masturbate, too, which was something I had done before that night I was raped.
Of course, the things that Sarah said to me really made me start thinking and I kept wondering if I would ever be able to function normally. I went home that night and tried to think about Peter and Sarah and the way they must have made love. I was playing with my cunt as I was thinking about it, but nothing was happening.
I started to think that maybe it was because I was fantasizing about someone else. Maybe, I kept telling myself that if I went out and did it, I'd learn to come with soft, loving sex.
Q. And is that what happened? Did you go out and do it, almost like falling off a horse and getting back on again?
You know, that's just the way I was thinking about it back then. I kept thinking that I would have to do it soon and I thought about what people say about horses, too.
Yes, I did go out and try to make it with some boy.
By that time, I was sixteen and I was pretty well developed. I had a fantastic hairstyle and most of the boys loved the way I looked. My tits were nice and big and they were certainly the kind that attract boys.
There was one guy named Ken who was probably the cutest boy in our school. I knew that he was interested in me and I thought that I would talk with him.
I was as blunt and as honest as I could possibly be.
I told Ken about what had happened to me and it was something that he hadn't even heard about. Sometimes, I think that maybe I never should have told him. Sometimes I think that I just should have let him make love to me.
Of course, that was what happened, but he was extra nice.
We did it in the guest cottage behind his parents' house.
There was a small bed there and when I undressed and lay back, I kept thinking that it was going to have to be nice. At least we were doing it in a bed and not on the cement, the way it had happened the first time.
Ken started to kiss my tits and he was licking my nipples when they got stiff. He bit them gently and I can remember that when he bit them, for those first few seconds, I felt such nice sensations running through my body.
He didn't know too much about women and he started to run his hand down my body and between my legs. He played with my cunt, but since he didn't know enough about a woman's clit, he wasn't turning me on that much.
However, when he started to rub his cock against my cunt, he was being the slightest bit brutal. He seemed to be determined to get himself in and he was thrusting himself in harder and harder, forcing it into me.
Those first few seconds were nice, because there was some pain. Of course, I didn't think about it then, as it was happening.
Once he was in, he started to fuck me nice and slow. My cunt had gotten a little bit wet. It was certainly wet enough so that I could hold his cock for the duration of the fuck, but while it went on, I didn't feel much.
It just seemed like there was this thing intruding inside of my cunt and I wasn't all that happy with it.
I started to think that I wished it would end. I didn't tell him, since I had all but begged him to do it to me. I started to work my cunt muscles around him.
I had been practicing that technique at home, when I would play with myself and nothing much would happen. I would start to concentrate on my cunt muscles and I could make them get tight and then loosen them up.
I guess that Ken, like most boys who wouldn't know too much about sex, started to think that I was coming. After all, I guess the spasming of my cunt muscles felt like a cunt must feel when it comes.
He started to moan and then he was fucking me harder and faster. I could feel the way his cock was getting thicker inside of me, while he was pulsating and then, he started to come in my cunt.
The orgasm on his part was nice. I could feel the way his whole body had burst into a sweat and I could also feel the way his come was soothing my chafed cunt walls. He kept moving his cock, even as he was coming, so that it was smearing the cream all over the inside of my cunt walls.
Afterwards, he lay there and he kissed me. I started to cry and he couldn't understand what was wrong with me.
So I decided that I might as well tell him. I told him all about what Sarah had said and how this whole thing was really some kind of a test for me.
He laughed about it just a little bit and told me that I had made him some kind of a guinea pig, which I thought was cute.
"But don't get depressed," he said to me. "Let's see if we can figure this things out a little bit. What did she say, exactly?"
I told him what she had said about the first time and how it would probably influence my sex life for the rest of my life.
"She said, in short, that I would need hard sex."
"Well, you did seem to respond when I was biting your nipple," he said to me and then, almost as if to prove his point, he moved his hand to my nipple and he started to squeeze it as hard as he could.
All I could do was moan loud. It was feeling so fucking sensational.
I felt the way my cunt was starting to get wet and the more he twisted it, the wetter I was getting. Then, he started to lick his way down my body and as he did, I decided that might as well tell him about my clit.
He told me that he didn't really understand the way a woman works, but he was happy that I had told him about it.
As he spread my cunt lips, I could feel the way he was moving his lips around my clit and he started to kiss it gently. But then, I could feel the way he was grinding his teeth against it and that was the most incredible feeling.
He started to grind his teeth harder and harder and I thought that I would just pass out. I could feel the way I was getting wetter and wetter and he started to suck hard at my juices.
In doing so, he was also sucking my pussy hard and I thought that was a bit painful, too. However, he didn't mean to be bringing me pain by sucking. I didn't tell him that he was, because it was feeling so fucking sensational.
Ken was happy to have made me come and after that time, he wanted to get together with me more often. I was too scared, though. I knew that I was into pain then and I didn't think I wanted to deal with anything like that.
Q. Then what did you do about it? I mean, you couldn't very well keep going around denying yourself pleasure, could you?
That was just what I did, except when it came to masturbation.
It was an easy thing to do. You see, we were all going to be graduating soon and we were all going to be going away to college, too.
I made sure to go somewhere where none of my friends were going. It was almost as if I was planning to start a whole new life, where no one would know me.
When I got to school, I just acted like a prude. I knew that many of the people were turned off to me because of the way that I was acting, but I couldn't really give a shit about them.
I was just glad that no boys were asking me out after a while.
I would only masturbate, as I said. I would make sure that my roommate was not in our dorm room and I would lock the door. Then, I would lay back and I would start to play with myself whenever I had the chance.
Q. And of course, you must have fantasized then? I think that most people tend to fantasize, when they're playing with themselves. It's the thing that gets most people to come. Did you fantasize and if so, what did you think about?
I'd fantasize a lot. I dreamed what I'd really want and I was starting to learn just what I really wanted, or rather, needed.
Yes, I think that a distinction has to be made.
Had I not been raped, I probably would have wanted to be loved softly and tenderly, the way that Sarah had talked about it. With licking and kissing and everything being just so soft and gentle and loving.
Even when I was fantasizing, I know that I still wanted it that way.
But that didn't turn me on. What I needed was something else.
I would play with my cunt and think about some guy abusing me. He either could have been whipping me, or slapping me across the face with his cock. Oh, there were really hundreds of things that I would think about.
I would think about being made a perfect slave for some man. He would make me do all kinds of degrading things. Sometimes, I would dream about the man pissing on me.
The one that I always loved the most, however, had to do with this man with the biggest cock in the world. His cock would have to have been about fourteen inches long and it was the thickest thing you could imagine.
When I would think about him, I would think about the way he might start to make me take his cock in my cunt. Of course, to take anything in that big would mean I would have to stretch an incredible amount.
And that stretching, I always imagined, would be so painful. I would be forced to take him in, as I would be laying on my back and at times, when he would really want to scare me, he would move his cock to my asshole and he would start to threaten to push it into me there.
That would make me come harder than anything else.
Q. Are you saying that fear, as well as pain, made you come?
In a sense, yes. You see, the fear of pain being inflicted can be just as great as the actual pain that is inflicted.
When you think about someone doing something dreadful to you, that you know will bring you pain, then that scares you. They work hand in hand.
For instance, my husband Dick loves to do these things to me, just to scare me. Once, he started to take a lit match and he was moving it closer and closer to my breast. My nipples were so stiff.
Now he, never really touched me with it, but the thought of him possibly doing it was scaring me enough. Of course, that was because if he did it, I would feel such intenser pain, like nothing I had felt before.
So you see, they really do work hand in hand. I mean it.
I learned that back in college, when I would masturbate.
I would think of all kinds of things and actually, just thinking about them happening was enough to make me come. I loved the feeling of my cunt getting wet, too. But still, I knew that I just couldn't continue doing things like that forever. I knew that I would have to go out and live a kind of life and celibacy didn't seem to be for me.
But throughout most of college, I would masturbate and not date.
Q. And what finally changed it?
Diane did. She was my roommate during my last year at college. One day, I had just forgotten to lock the door while I was playing with myself.
I'll never forget what happened. She walked in just as I was about to come. I was so lost in my orgasm, that I had my eyes closed.
I'm pretty sure that I was thinking about what it would be liked to have stakes driven into my nipples. That was another fantasy of mine. Not real big stakes, but things like pins and quite a few of them, too.
I was coming so hard and then, I could feel another hand on my belly. Since my senses were heightened, because of the orgasm that I was in the middle of, I didn't come out of it right away. Then, the hand started to move up my body.
Soon, there were fingers plucking at my nipple and I didn't like that.
I opened my eyes and she was looking down at me and she was smiling.
"Well, well, well, this is how you do it," she said to me. "I always wondered. I knew that you couldn't have just been nonsexual. I don't think that I've run across a person in my life who is."
"Diane, I thought that you had a class," I said.
"I can tell that you thought I had something or other, otherwise you wouldn't have been here playing with yourself. Isn't that right?"
"Yes," I said to her and I did feel like such a fool.
I started to cry then and she only sat there and smiled.
"Hey, Lucie, don't be upset. There's nothing wrong with masturbating. I just guess that you haven't come to grips with what you are."
"What are you talking about? What are you implying?"
"I always thought that you were probably a closet lesbian and I'm sure that's what you were thinking about, right?"
"No," I said and I was shocked to even hear her imply it. "That's not at all what I was thinking about."
"Bullshit. I've seen the way you look at me when I undress. I know how much you probably want me and you can admit to it. If you want to know the truth, baby, I've been known to go both ways."
And as she said that, she slid her fingers down to my cunt.
Well, from the way I tensed up and freaked out, she must have known that she had come across the wrong girl. She must have known that she had been all wrong and since I was still crying, she was trying to be as nice as possible.
"Tell me what it is," she said to me. "I know that I can help."
I decided that I should tell her. I told her about the rape and then, I told her how I just couldn't come like a normal person. She was the one who told me that I shouldn't use the word normal or abnormal for anyone.
"What do you dream about then?" she asked me.
I told her, too and I'll never forget the look on her face. At first, she seemed to be revolted, but then, as I went on, she was smiling a little bit. She happened to have had one of the greatest attitudes ever.
"Well, honey, I wouldn't get turned on by that, but if you do, then you might as well work it for all that it's worth."
"What do you mean?"
"Dick Deliam teaches a class here on campus in S and M and I think that you should run right over and sign up. Once you learn to understand it, you'll probably come to grips with yourself. I'm sure that you will."
And so, I went to this man's class, or rather, first, I went to his office.
Q. And what happened to you while you were there?
For one thing, I fell in love with him. He had long black hair and the cutest face I'd ever seen on a man.
He closed his office door and he put his legs up on the desk.
"Now why do you want to be in this class of mine?" he asked me.
"I've heard so much about it. I've heard that you really know how to deal with people who are either Ss or Ms."
"And what do you think of yourself as?" he asked me.
I told him what had happened to me then and he started to smile.
"You might think that you're an M because that happened to you, but you don't really know for sure, do you? You've never really been into anything that involved S and M, have you? So how can you be sure?"
"That's what I was hoping you would help me with," I said to him. "I want to try and be sure about myself."
"Stand up and take off all of your clothing," he said to me.
I was a little bit shocked, not having expected anything like that. When I just stood up but didn't make a move, he reached for something. Then, I felt him lash the whip, out at me and it hit me on the wrist.
It was the first time I had ever felt the delicious sting of the leather whip and I could feel the way my whole body was trembling.
Even as I stood there, my cunt was getting wetter and I could feel the way my legs were starting to buckle a bit.
That hadn't really happened to me before, except during the rape.
"I gave you a command," he said to me. "If you really wanted to be a true slave, you would carry out all the orders."
"Yes, sir," I said to him and I started to open my blouse buttons.
He just sat there, surveying my body. I could see the way his eyes were roaming up and down my flesh and he had a smug smirk on his face.
As I slid out of my skirt and panties and then stood there totally naked, he started to stand up. He moved closer to me.
Then, he wrapped the whip around my neck and pulled it so tight.
I thought back to that moment when the rapist had held the razor to my throat and was threatening to slit it open and I was so scared.
I could feel myself getting wetter and as he slid his fingers down between my legs and started to ram them into my cunt, he could feel it, too.
"See how much you love it?" he asked me. "You're getting turned on."
Then, he pushed me down on my knees, hard. I could feel the way my knee caps smashed against the floor of his office.
"Now, you fucking piece of shit cunt, open my zipper with your damn teeth and then you take my fucking dick out."
I could see the hard bulge in his pants and I started to do as he said.
Once or twice, my lips and teeth slipped, midway, while I was pulling his zipper down and I was slapped across the face each time that happened. He also cursed at me when it happened and I felt really shitty about that.
Finally, I did get his fly open.
This was to be my first cock in years, you should understand. Ever since Ken, I had stayed away from cocks, out of fear of what I wanted them to do to me. Of course, there were the fantasies, with the huge, powerful dicks.
Well, as I started to reach for his cock, with my hands, I couldn't believe it.
His cock was about as thick as the ones that I had dreamed about. I reached inside and pulled it out and then looked at it. I could barely get my fingers around it, because it was just that thick.
"Suck it and take it all the way down, you fucking bitch," he moaned and he slid his fingers down to my nipples and yanked at them.
I let out a scream as the pain flooded through my body and he smashed his fist across my face, even harder.
"If anyone comes in here because of your scream, I'll kill you," he said.
And he squeezed the leather whip around my neck harder, so that it cut off the air for a second. He loosened it up a few minutes later.
Then, he rammed his cock into my mouth. I could feel how wide I had to open my mouth to take that cock of his in and when he rammed it into the back of my throat, I thought that I was going to choke on it.
Still, he had such power over me and each time he would play with my nipples, hard, I would feel my cunt spasming harder.
Dick knew it, too, but then again, he was a professor and he taught a class in the art of S and M.
I think that was the thing that attracted me to him in the first place. When he was ready to come in my mouth, he started to thrust in and out even faster and he did pull his cock back so that I could taste the cream on my lips.
By that time, my body was black and blue, from all his slaps.
He pulled me to my feet, then threw me across his desk, face forward. He moved behind me and he started to thrust his cock into my cunt.
Even though I had just made him come, he was a big-dicked man.
He started to fuck me with a semi-hard on and when he got even stiffer during the fuck, I couldn't believe it. It was my dream cock.
You see, Dick does have the kind of cock in my fantasy. It's the kind that's so big it hurts, even when we're in the middle of normal fucking.
Q. And is that the reason you're happily married to him?
Yes, but it's not the only reason. God, if I thought that it was the only reason, I'm sure that I wouldn't still be married to him.
I took his course first and even though I was falling, in love with him, I could see that every other M in the course loved him, too, male and female. Of course, he wasn't into the men, but I thought that all those other girls would be my competition.
He had all kinds of demonstrations in class and sometimes, he would do a role reversal kind of thing, where the man had to play the girl and vice versa.
I'll never forget that when I did it to him and I was whipping him and forcing him to eat my cunt, he wasn't being the perfect slave. He was pretending to be, but when he was eating me, he was biting my clit hard.
In fact, he was doing a teeth grinding thing to me.
I looked down at him and I could tell, from the way he was looking up at me, that he was loving it. He knew that he was in control, even though I was supposed to be the one in control then and he was supposed to be the slave.
Q. In carrying out your S and M fantasies, do you use any kind of toys, like other couples are known to use?
Although we really don't need them, because, as I said, Dick has that kind of cock that's perfect for bringing pain, even during a regular fucking, we still use some.
I think that toys are a part of S and M and that anyone who's into it, has to go out and buy certain things.
Whips are a necessity. We have about five different ones, all different thicknesses and lengths, not to mention the cat o'nine tails, which is my favorite.
Dick had this leather suit made up and when I'm in it, all of my body is covered excepted for my tits and cunt and ass. That way, my hands are bound within the confines of the suit and he can use and abuse me in any way he wants.
Sometimes, he'll string me up over the bed and then he'll start to whip my ass with the thickest whip we have.
And although I know that there are many people who are into dildoes, too, we don't tend to use them all that often.
We do have a few, but, as I said, there isn't a dildo in the world that's better than Dick's cock.
Q. Well then, when would you use a dildo?
I'll never forget the last time we did use one. Remember how I told you I was fucked in the ass by that last man, when I was raped?
Well, one day, I told Dick about it. He wanted to know about the rape.
We hadn't even talked about anal sex with each other, but when he heard about it having happened to, me, he wanted to do it. Of course, with a cock like his, I thought that it would really kill me. Now I know that I've said that about a lot of things, but his cock is a special case.
Anyway, he told me that he would make sure I'd love it.
What he did, first, was get me all worked up by fucking me in the cunt with his huge dick and he had tied up my hands first, with leather straps, so that I wouldn't be able to try and fight him off.
He really thought I would have done something like that and I probably would have.
Anyway, after he had gotten me hot, he took a vibrating dildo and he moved it to my cunt, so that I had that cock inside of me.
He rolled me over and I was pressing myself down on the dildo. It kept working inside of me, stimulating my clit.
Then, he entered my asshole from behind. I could feel the way his cock slid right into me and it killed me. It spread me so wide and I was screaming with pain and pleasure, because, as you know, my pain is my pleasure.
Dick didn't stay in my ass too long. He had worked himself up to a surging point while fucking my cunt and since my asshole was so much tighter and the contact was sending him through heaven, he started to come fast.
Those pulsations, however, were incredible. I'll never forget the way his cream kept pouring into me, until I thought I would drown in it.
And that's really the only way in which we used the dildoes that I can remember.
Oh yes, there was another time when we did role reversal and I made him take one of them up his ass. He really hated it, but the idea was for me to bring him pain and that was just What I did.
We just like to stick with the leather gear, be it straps, whips, leather suits and even leather masks. Yes, he has this leather mask which he'll put on me and the only thing that sticks out on my face is my nose and mouth.
When that thing is on me, it gets him so hot that he'll start to fuck my mouth. I hardly even know what's happening, although I do feel his cock in my mouth and I do taste it. It's really an experience.
I don't think that I would have ever been this happy had I not met someone like Dick. He's made me happy to be an M and even more so, he's made me proud. I used to be so hung up about it, but look, I can even come and talk with you about it and not feel the least bit hung up.
Judy F.
Interviewed: January 27, 1979
From looking over most of the cases on this subject, I've noticed that the majority of patients who have come to see me, have had experiences in their past which had some influence on their present nature. Can you think of an experience in your past you'd like to discuss?
Please try not to hold back anything.
Q. Tell us candidly, about the experiences that had some influence on you?
I'm trying. It's very hard to say. I really haven't even come to grips with the fact that I am a masochist now. I don't even know if you noticed the way that I winced when you first said the word to me.
I don't like the word very much, but maybe that's just because of the idea that goes along with it.
It's almost the same with sex. I've always kind of liked sex, but only the act. When people around me would start to talk about it, then I wouldn't really like it as much. I guess I'm just very strange in that way. I don't know what to tell you.
But let me think.
Well, my father used to beat me when I was younger, but that was so long ago. I mean, the last time I can even remember seeing him was when I was seven. He ran off with another woman and it really did upset my mother. She was never the same after he left, which I could never understand.
Q. Why? Did he used to beat your mother, too?
Yes. She told me when she came to stay for a few days. She must have heard some of the screaming that was coming from the bedroom one night, because I do remember that Dennis and I had some kind of a scene one night when mother was over.
The next morning, as she and I had breakfast together, because Dennis had already gone to work, we started to have a talk.
In fact, she was the one who suggested I come here. She told me that it would be good to talk about these things and deep down, she mentioned, she wished that they would have had a place like this for her to come to.
When she said that, I had to know more.
"Was Dennis whipping you and beating you last night?" she asked me.
"Yes," I said. I knew that it would be ridiculous to lie.
"Tell me just what he was doing. I want to know."
So I told her. I think that night, the fight had been about her. He was never that crazy about her and he didn't like the idea of her staying with us for too long. She seemed to think that she was going to stay with us for about four weeks and he said that the most she could stay was a week.
(I want you to know that I didn't tell my mother what the fight was about. I wouldn't have ever wanted to hurt her like that. I just told her what happened during the fight.)
He hit me across the face when I told him that no matter what he said, things were going to go as planned.
Then, he pushed me back on the bed and he started to pull the noose like bonds out. He always kept them tied at the bedposts.
From the very first time he had tied me up, he had left them there. They were leather nooses and they always made it so much easier for him to tie me up with. All he had to do was slip my hands through them and then pull them tight. After that, I was helpless. He could do what he wanted to me. And that night, he had. After he had me tied, he pulled my nightgown open. He reached for a metal nipple clamp and he pressed it onto my nipple.
He did it harder than ever that time. In fact, he didn't just let it clamp closed around my nipple. He pushed it closed and held it there, so that the teeth were digging into me and I was screaming with pain.
When I screamed too loud, he gagged me. Then, he moved his hands down to my cunt. He started to spread my cunt lips and when my clit was exposed, he bit it.
He didn't keep his teeth there for too long a time, but one hard bite was enough to cause the pain to linger for a long time.
Then, he started to pinch my clit. He squeezed it so hard and I could feel the way I was getting hotter and hotter.
My cunt started to get so wet, that he had a hard time holding onto my love button. It kept sliding out of his grip and he didn't really know how long he would be able to hold onto it for.
Then, he started to do something that he had never done.
He slid one finger into my cunt and then another and another. Soon, he had all four, save for his thumb. But within a few more seconds, he was starting to slide his thumb into my cunt, too.
"I'm going to fist fuck you for being such a brazen bitch," he said. God, you would have to really see how big his hand is to know the kind of pain I was in while he was doing that to me. He has this enormous fist and once it was in, my cunt was stretched wider than ever. I could see that his cock was getting hard under his robe.
As he continued to drive his fist in and out of me, he moved around and then pulled the gag out of my mouth. He started to straddle my face.
"Now you suck this dick of mine, you fucking cunt. If you bite it, I might decide to rip your insides out. I really might."
And then, he moved his cock to my open mouth. I kept thinking that if I could suck him off and really get into it, he might be more gentle with me.
However, he hardly even let me do anything. My tongue was flicking back and forth along the underside of his cock, but he kept slamming it in and out of my mouth. When he would thrust in hard, I would feel his cock head moving into my throat.
As I told my mother this, she looked shocked.
She told me that she had heard me gagging at certain points and had thought that he might have been choking me. Still, she hadn't made a move to come into the bedroom and see just what was going on.
There were times when he was choking me, but he seemed to be loving it the most, because I would hear how heavily he would start to breathe with his cock head lodged in the back of my throat.
The pain was so intense and as I recall, it was probably the most painful thing that he had ever done to me. A fist in a cunt is quite a hard thing to take, but the only good thing about it was that pain brought me pleasure.
I could feel my cunt spasming hard and he must have been loving the way that it was feeling around his wrist.
Also, because I was so turned on, my cunt was nice and wet. It was easy for him to move that thing in and out of me.
Well, after about fifteen minutes, he started to come in my mouth and I was sucking as hard as I possibly could.
I've always loved the taste of male come and it can sometimes make me come, even when nothing is happening down near my cunt. Tasting it made me come hard and I could feel his fist moving faster, thrusting in and out of me.
After he had finished coming, he stayed in my mouth. Then, when he was hard, he started to pull out of my mouth.
He pulled his fist out of my cunt and then moved his cock there.
Dennis just thrust it into me and then, he slapped me across the face.
"How the hell do you expect me to get off on this stretched out cunt?"
"You're the one who did it to me," I said to him. "You're the one who did it. It wouldn't have been stretched had you not ..."
"Shut the fuck up and tighten these muscles," he groaned.
I tried to. I had learned how to control my cunt muscles many times, but because his fist had just wiped me out, there was no way I could really control them. No matter how much I was concentrating, they were just stretched.
He was scratching his nails into my flesh then and he was doing it hard.
"You're no good for anything, you stupid bitch," he said.
I was crying then. I couldn't believe the way he was talking to me and when he saw my tears, all he could do was laugh. He told me that I loved everything he was doing to me and that no tears would make him think any other way.
He started to fuck my cunt, hard, but since my muscles weren't working, he pulled out of me and then, he thrust into my ass. His cock, you see, had been covered with my cunt cream and it was easy for him to slide it into me. I started to groan then. Even though he would fuck my ass every so often, I still had never gotten used to it. It was always a painful thing for me.
But then again, as I said, the pain is my pleasure.
Well, he came in my asshole and then, he started to kiss me. He was biting my lower lip as he was kissing me and I was still crying.
As I told my mother all about it, she was still wondering what the argument had been about and I had to tell her that he didn't want her staying there a month. There was no way I couldn't, since he had said that if things weren't settled when he got home that night, I would pay for it.
"And you let him abuse you like that?" my mother asked me.
"I couldn't help it. He had tied up my wrists and there was no other way."
"I see. I don't know how you could love a man like that."
And as I thought about it, she seemed a bit hypocritical. You see, the thing that makes me put up with the pain he does inflict, is that I do love him. I know that if I didn't, I could never put up with it.
"Well, you used to let Daddy do those kinds of things to you, didn't you?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "Well, I never really let him. He just did."
"So. Dick is something like Daddy was. They're both sadists."
"Yes, Judy, but there's a huge difference. You see, I wasn't a masochist."
"And I am?"
"You said that you love what he does to you. Or rather, you said that you do get off on it. I never got off when your father used to abuse me. I used to hate it more than anything else in the world."
"But you did put up with it, didn't you?" I asked her.
"Yes. But things were different back then. Nowadays, it's not such a disgrace for a girl to go out and get herself a divorce."
"Well, what if I don't want one?" I asked her, because I didn't.
"Then it just means that you're sick," she said to me. "You're sick to put up with this whole thing."
And that was when she suggested I come to talk about it here. She thought that I could get things straightened out and that I wouldn't be sick anymore. But I don't think that it's so sick, do you?
Q. Of course not. I've met enough people to know that some of them have needs which can only be fulfilled with hard sex. However, since there is really nothing in your past that seems to be the key to this need, save for the things that happened with your mother and father, I'm confused. Tell me about what happened between them, if you know of anything that did.
As I said, I never really got to see anything, even though I used to hear the fights.
When my mother and I had that talk, she did tell me about the times when my father used to come home drunk and he would beat her. She said, in fact, that the only times he would hit her were those times when he was drunk.
He would never tie her up, however, but when he got mad enough, he would pull his belt out of his pants and he would whip her with that. She told me that she could never stand it when he did that.
When she said that, I was confused. I remembered her being sad when he had walked out on us and I asked her if she was.
"Not at all. The day he left that note, telling me he was leaving and not coming, back, had to be the happiest day of my life. I couldn't tell everyone the way that I felt back then, of course. "My sisters and my mother, would have been upset to see me happy over the fact that my husband had walked out on me it wouldn't have been the proper way to react. But for all the abuse I had had to put up with, I was glad."
"You don't know how many nights I wished that he would get hit by a car, or something like that. Nights when he was out late, I wished that something would happen so that he wouldn't come home ever again. And then, it happened."
I had never known that my mother felt that way about my father. I was a little bit shocked to hear all about it, I must admit. But, as she said, she never did get off on it and I guess if you don't learn how to, then there is no reason to stick around.
Q. What an interesting thing to say. If you don't learn how to, then there's no reason to stick around. Are you trying to tell me that you learned how to become a masochist, only to please your husband?
Yes. I remember that he was always so much more tender with me when we were dating and even on our honeymoon. He wasn't as brutal as he's become over the years.
Q. And did you achieve orgasm with that gentle kind of sex?
Of course I did. He would kiss me on the lips, so gently and we could play with each other's tongue for the longest period of time, without getting bored. Sometimes, I would come, just when I was sucking on his tongue.
Then, here were times when he would start to lick my whole body. I would lay back on the bed, in much the same position that I would be in when he had me tied, only there wouldn't be any bonds.
He would start to lick my neck and the pleasure thrills that ran through my body when he did it were incredible.
Then, he would move his mouth down to my nipples. He would suck one of my brown nipples and he could keep his mouth there forever and I would have been content. His hand would be wandering down between my legs.
He would start to stroke my cunt gently and when I would feel my clit get stiff, he would massage it and wiggle it back and forth.
"Oh baby, you're so hot," he would always say to me. "You're the softest, most gentle thing I've ever felt."
Just hearing him say things like that would make my skin tingle and my cunt would always spasm a few extra times. Then, he would start to lick his way down and he would move his lips around my clit.
He would start to suck on it and I would feel the way he'd work his tongue back and forth over the very tip of it. My whole body would explode with sensation then and he would start to suck out the juices as they flowed.
He loved the taste of them and I would always hear the way he was sucking, too. Just the sound of him sucking was enough to turn me on.
Sometimes, Dennis would make me come about five or ten times while sucking me. Then, he would roll over and it would be my turn.
I would be on top of him and I knew how much he loved the feeling of my tits rubbing over his hairy chest. I would lift myself up, just a little, so that only my nipples would be touching his chest. Then I would start to rub them all over the hairs. I knew that he was getting turned on because of the way he would start sweating.
Also, his cock would feel so nice and thick. It would be sticking straight up and after a while, I would have to move my hand to it. I would run my hand up and down the shaft and sometimes, smear a drop of come all over his cock head, because I knew how much he got off on that.
Then, I would have to move my lips down. He would never force his cock on me at the beginning. He would always let me do it the way I wanted to.
I could slide my lips up and down his shaft and the thing that he always seemed to like the most was when I would flick my tongue along the underside. I would suck on his balls, too, taking them into my mouth, one at a time.
When I would take both in, he would always go crazy. Sometimes, he would even move his hand down to his cock shaft and he would start to jerk himself off. I never really let him take himself too far.
After all, I didn't want him coming all over himself. I wanted him to come in my mouth and that was all there was to it.
So after he had been jerking himself for a while, I would sense that he would be ready to shoot and I would lick my way back up along the underside of his cock and take the whole thing in my mouth again.
After a few more lip strokes up and down his rod, he would shoot.
I never had to worry about him being deep in my throat when he shot. He would, in fact, lay back there, almost like a baby and I would be drinking the milk from his cock and loving the taste of every drop.
Dennis would be moaning so softly and he would be telling me how much he loved me. I always got off when he was coming and telling me how much he loved me at the same time. It was the perfect orgasm-inducing combination.
After he would come, I would keep his cock in my mouth for the longest time, even though he wouldn't be hard. I knew that if I kept sucking on him he would get hard again and then he would let me ride him.
Sometimes, if I was sucking hard enough, the blood would surge into his dick even faster than usual. Then, I would ready myself.
He would always love it when I would sit on his cock and believe me, that was the way I used to get off on him the most. You know that when a woman straddles a man and moves up and down on his cock, she really gets the better deal.
For one thing, she can control the thrusting rate, which is good.
Even more so, the shaft makes the best contact with the clit that way and my clit would always feel like it was on fire when I rode him.
There were times when he would start to pulse and then, I would just sit all the way down on him, so that my ass was rubbing over his groin and I could feel his sweaty pubic hairs and I would wait.
I wouldn't start to ride him again until all the pulsations would have subsided and then, when I would ride him, it would usually be until he came.
I'd love it, because when he would start to come, I could keep moving up and down as fast or as slow as I wanted. Sometimes, too, I would move my finger right to the base of his cock, where the shaft meets the balls and you could feel this pulsing going on right there, which always felt incredible.
I know how much he loved it, because he would be squeezing my tits and moaning and he would be telling me how fantastic I was.
Of course, I would be telling him the same thing and after we were both wiped out from the sweaty, passion-ridden fucking, I would lean forward so that my tits were rubbing against his chest and I would kiss him.
We would always keep kissing each other, even past the point when his spent dick would slip out of my cunt and just rest there between us. God, was it good. Those are times I can still get off on.
Q. So then, what you're telling me is that you could get off on normal, tender sex and that it has happened to you. This is different from the things that we hear from most of the other patients and it puzzles me. Before you used to go with Dennis, did you ever go with anyone who was rough?
Well, the first man that I ever went with was rough.
Of course, that was only because he wanted to break me. I was fifteen and this was an older businessman. He was in his forties and my parents hated the idea that the two of us were seeing each other.
I had always had a crush on him, from afar and when he started to date me, I knew that I wanted to lose my virginity to him.
I had also thought that most men love virgins. Every other man seemed to have wanted a virgin at some time in his life.
But this man was different. When we finally ended up in bed and he saw how naive I was, he asked me if I was a virgin.
Rather than being happy about it, the way I would have expected, he seemed to be acting like this whole thing was just a chore to him. You know, he was really kind of pissed off about having to break me.
For that reason, he went about it so technically. He started to kiss my body and he was eating my cunt for a long time.
Then, when he had me kind of wet, he slid up my body. He moved his cock to my cunt and he thrust it into me, nice and hard.
The ripping sensation that I felt was gruesome. I felt as if someone had taken a blade and slit me right open. It didn't really get much better, because he didn't even take the time to, rest, so that my pain could subside.
Instead, he started to thrust in and out of me and he was moaning, as if he was feeling the greatest pleasure in the world. As for me, I was trying to figure out what the hell was so good about fucking. I mean, it was really an awful experience for me and it seemed to go on forever.
Each time that he would pulsate, he would slow down and then, when he finally did come, it was hurting me. His cock was throbbing more than it usually did and I was groaning with pain as he shot into me.
He wanted to make love to me again after that, but I would never let him. I told him that he had been too hard on me and he said that it always hurt a girl the first time she ever fucked anyone.
When he said that, I decided to let him try again. But he was just as brutal and since I had been with a few boys in-between, I knew that I liked it tender. After letting this man fuck me a second time, I never wanted to see him again. I don't think that he could ever understand why, even though I did my best to explain it.
It wasn't until after Dennis and I had been married for a few years and he started to get rough with me, that I realized this was the way he was going to be. I knew that the only way to deal with it, was to teach myself how to get off on it and that was really what happened.
You see, we had this fight and it was about me cheating on him. I really hadn't, although I had wanted to make him think that I had, to get him jealous. The whole thing just backfired in my face.
Q. Why would you want to lie to him about something like that?
Well, you know how friends are and how rumors could get started. One of my girlfriends told me about seeing my Dennis in a restaurant with another woman. She said that she had followed him and had seen him taking this woman to a motel.
Naturally, I was shocked. I searched his clothing that night, to see if I could find any signs, but I couldn't.
This woman kept telling me all kinds of things and even though there was no way I could tell if they were true, I couldn't stop thinking about them.
So I decided that it would be good for him if word got back to him that I was fooling around and I made sure that it did.
Q. And the results didn't seem to be what you wanted, did they?
God, no. He came home the night that he heard about it and he had the first whip, that I had ever seen.
He told me to strip and said that he was going to kill me for what I had done.
Now anytime that anyone ever said they would kill me, I always thought that they would be kidding and so, I wanted to play along.
I did get undressed and when he told me to get on my hands and knees, I did that, too. Then, I felt the first lash.
It was so incredibly painful. I could feel the way it was ripping at my flesh and he started to whip me again and again.
That first time, you should understand, I didn't get off on it. I could feel nothing but stinging pain and after he had whipped me, he pulled my hands behind my back and he started to fuck me from behind.
He called me all kinds of evil names. He said that even though he loved me, he would never be able to trust me again, because he had heard about what a slut I was. I was in tears as he was saying these things to me.
He was really brutal. After he had been fucking me for a while, he had to pull out and put some lubrication on his dick, because it was just too dry and I was feeling so chafed inside.
He didn't enter my cunt again. He moved his cock to my asshole and he started to thrust it in and out of me like crazy. I thought that I was going to pass out and yet, somehow, I managed to hold on.
He tied me up later that night and he started to beat me with the whip again.
I was really a bloody mess by the time the whole thing was over and he felt a little bit sorry about it. But then, he started to tell me that he hated me for having cheated on him and that he could never feel the same about me.
"But I was just lying," I said. "I heard that you were cheating."
"I never cheated on you and whoever told you that is a liar. Besides, you should have talked with me about it first, without having to pull such a stupid stunt."
He said that he could never respect me again and he was even thinking of divorcing me, even though he knew that I hadn't cheated.
I told him that I couldn't live without him, which I knew for a fact. I did love him and then, I promised to do anything that he wanted.
Q. And just what did that involve?
Well, I told you about what he did to me that night in bed, when my mother was over and that was just part of it.
He told me that the only way he could ever think of making love to me again, would be if I was his slave and nothing else.
He would have to be able to do whatever he wanted to do to me.
I knew what he was talking about and I even got him to talk about it a little.
"I was a sadist, a long time ago," he said to me. "The girls that I used to make love to before I met you were all sluts and I didn't mind beating the shit out of them as I was fucking them.
"They didn't mind it, either. But then, I met you and you were different. You seemed to be so good and almost so pure. Now I know that you're a slut, just like the rest of them and you have to be treated like one."
Q. So, what you're saying is that your husband treats you sadistically and you put up with it because you love him?
Yes, although I will admit that after the first whipping, that time when he had me bleeding, I never thought that I would be able to.
I thought that I would end up divorcing him, even though I had built my whole life around him and the thought of losing him was almost as bad as thinking about the world blowing up with everyone on it.
So I had to agree, because it was the only way to keep him.
I had to let him do what he wanted to do. The first time that he ever tied me up, though, I was so scared. He had the leather straps by the bedpost and I didn't even know that they were there.
He started to make tender love to me, which, after a few brutal sessions, was really just confusing me. a little bit. But as he was kissing me, he was pulling my hands up over my head and then, I could feel something tightening around my wrists.
As he pulled his hands down and I tried to pull mine down so that I could hug him, I discovered that I was bound. Pulling on them only made the leather cut into me even tighter and I hated it.
But what could I do, especially since I was bound?
He really started to beat me that time and I hated every second of it. He moved his cock to my mouth and before I could even try to suck it, he was beating me across the face with it. I had black and blue marks that didn't go away for a few days, from the cock beating, as he liked to call it.
He started to claw at my cunt, as if he thought that it was going to get me wet and when it didn't, he started to curse at me. He told me that the longer it took me to get wet, the more he was going to abuse me.
God, when I heard that, I knew that I had to do something. I knew that I had to learn how to love the abuse that he would be doling out to me from that night on and somehow, I did manage to love it.
Oh, it took time, I must admit, but he was willing to help me for the first few months, meaning that he wasn't going to be that hard.
Q. This is very interesting and I'm sure that many people would like to know how to do it. You could almost call it a guide to self-training, when it comes to teaching yourself how to be a masochist. Could you tell us how you did it?
Well, it's not something that I would recommend to anyone unless she has to do it and in my case, as I told you, I had to do it.
First, we had to go about things slowly and that's the most important thing.
He would pinch my flesh and I would close my eyes and try to think about all the good aspects of it. The skin is more sensitive than ever during a situation like that, for one thing and that helped.
Then, when he would do things to my cunt, I had to try and think about the good times that we had had together.
He would be biting on my clit and I had to fantasize.
Q. Then I take it that fantasy is an important part of teaching yourself how to love pain. Is that correct?
By all means. For the first, few times we were doing it and he was being brutal with me, I really had to keep my eyes closed.
I would think about those times when he would, make tender love to me and then I would feel a kind of orgasmic surge. Since he was being hard on me, I would have to work the two things together. It's more in the mind than anything else and once you learn that, it's so much easier to deal with.
Pain and pleasure are so close to each other, that you just have to learn how to tell the two apart and then, work them together.