"Far out, man! I mean it's a gas you want to know about my sex life. I feel like Geraldine and I wanna say, 'I don't do windows but I do suck cocks!'
"And baby-child, that's what I do and I do it better than just about anyone I can think of. My boyfriend-I call him Honky because it gets him mad and I love to tease him-he says to me, 'Man, I'll bet so-and so can do my big black dick real justice,' as he's watching her on the late news. And I look at him and say, 'Listen, baby, I know So-and-so is one together chick, but I know I could teach her a few things about sucking cock!'
"He just looks at me and leans back in the chair and he says, 'Frieda, my load's buildin' up in there and I'm gonna beat it off unless you get down there and do somethin' about it fast!'
"So I do a whole number, you know, pretending that I don t want to ... I stand up and click off the fucking TV-I hate television-and I put on a record-Aretha or maybe B. B. King-and start to dance right there. In front of him. My man looks up at me and watches my titties swinging just above his bushy head and he's getting hotter than hell. I see that old black magic rising in his pants and my pussy starts in quivering and shaking and itching. I start opening the buttons on my dress-it's very tight and long and slinky, very 40's; Honky loves anything that clings to my body-and he's sitting there with sweat pouring all down his shiny forehead.
"Honky is some man, let me tell you! He's twenty-seven and he's really got it together. He's tall and muscular and strong, and has a cock on him like none I've ever seen and I've seen them all, and you'd better believe it. When they say Black Power honey they're talking about my Honky. Every chick I know wants him to ball her, every chick I know wants to nibble on his dick. But that is reserved for me and me alone, and I'm good at it. Holy Jesus in Alabama, I'm damn good at it!
"So, anyway, 'I'm dancing around the room and I pull my dress open just enough for one of my titties to fallout. He looks up and sees it and licks his lips. He's stoned-we shared a joint of good grass just before the news-and he feels mellow and sexy. His cock is so hard it's practically ripping through his pants. I can already see it in front of my lips. I can taste it, I can feel the creamy liquid going down my throat.
"'Frieda, come on here, girl, and suck my dick ... baby, baby, baby.' Aretha is blasting and he's writhing in time with the music, moving his ass on the cushions of the couch. I finger my left breast and the nipple is hard, rigid. I hold it and bend down, squeezing it above his face, right in front of his eyes. He puts his tongue out and I give him a little lick of the tip, and then pull it away. He groans and sinks deeper into the chair.
"I pull my dress down to my waist and dance like that, with my hands in the air, feeling like Aretha myself, pretending to be on a stage, in front of men, lots of men, all looking like my baby-man Honky, all sitting out there with their dicks in their hands, beating off as they watch me strip in front of them. Then, after I'm done, when I'm turned on, I'll suck each of them, crawling on my knees down the rows, taking each big black dick in my mouth and never letting them forget what it's like to be sucked by a superstar!
"And, man, I got fantasies, and I live them out. I suck cock, all kinds of cock, and I suck it good, man, real good! Us black chicks weren't born with nice full thick lips for nothing, you know? When my mammy was nursin' me-down in Alabama-when I was suckin' on her big fat thick nipple-I was already preparing for a future of sucking something other than nipples. The preacher used to say, 'Sister Bertha, Frieda is gonna grow up to sing in the choir! She moves her lips night and day!'
"And I did sing in the choir, till one day the choir-master pulled up his robe when we were alone after rehearsal and he told me the Lord said to him that it was time to teach little Frieda about love. He pulled out his long black shaft and told me to get on my knees and pray. I prayed, all right, with that thing down my throat, till he shot so much jism in my throat, I thought I'd pass out right there in the church! That was the night I got religion! And that was the night I realized I had better get outta Alabama, cause singing in the choir was no good for this girl any more!
"So here I am in Chicago, and Hanky keeps me and makes me his woman and loves me, and life is easy, you know? I got my music, I got my books, I got my dope and my man's cock. What more can a girl ask? If you ask me, baby, that's soul! One crazy nigger, he says to me once, 'Frieda, baby, you got soul!'
"I say, 'How come you say that, Bernard? You flying-on mescaline again?'
"Frieda baby.' he shouts like I was ten miles away, 'Hanky tells me how you suck the livin' devil outta his cock and a chick who do that, she's got soul!'
"I got soul, and don't you forget it. Anyway, I'm using all the soul I can muster up as I let my dress slip down, down, down, till the hairs on my pussy show. Then I take a deep breath and hold it in and give a big bump with my hips and the dress slides down to the floor and I stand there, flash in' my pussy in all its glory, right in front of my baby-man.
"He's going crazy, nuts, bananas. He's rubbing his cock so hard I think his pants are going to give out!
"You gonna suck me, Frieda honey, sugar?'
"Why Hanky, how dare you suggest something so awful? I'm just dancing.' I'm all innocence now.
"Frieda honey, I got something for you I think you're gonna like ... far far fucking out.'
"He's zonked and I love it. He throws his head back and opens the silver buttons on his fly-he's a fantastic dresser, Hanky-and then undoes his belt. All the time I'm still standing there naked, just moving my hips with my feet planted on the floor. I'm listening to Aretha and watching my man and having a hell of a time!
"All of a sudden I see it. The light from the candles make it shine, glow. It's almost eleven inches long, and so thick I've never been able to put my hand around it all the way. He's holding it by the base, waving it in the air, flopping it around. I look down and put my hand to my mouth, pretending to be offended by such a sight.
"Baby, it wants you.'
"I just bat my eyes and place one hand on my pussy. 'It wants to go in me, here?' I ask, rubbing my fingers over my slit.
"Let me tell you something, girl, you're just gonna get down on your knees and suck it hard, you hear?' He's really excited now, and he starts pulling his pants down to his ankles. I kneel down and unzip his white and black checkered boots with real tall heels. He kicks them off as I lean back and soon his pants are off and he's sitting there in a tight shirt and his sox.
"I run my fingers up his hairy legs and stop just under his balls. Hanky has two nuts to match his cock-incredible! Once my girl friend Bernice was staying with us and she walked in the bedroom when Honky was fucking my mouth and she saw It from behind. He was going at it like wildfire, and she said his balls were banging against my chin like those big balls they use to knock buildings down with, the kind that swing from a crane. Well, skit, man, his balls swing from his crotch, but they easily could knock down any building! He could raze the entire city of Chicago in/twenty minutes if he'd just spread his legs and let them go!
"Wheee! I'm getting carried away. Anyhow, I played with him like that, getting him all excited as he began smoking another joint. Oh shit, man, listen to me! I'm telling it like a story from yesterday, and I want it to be happening for you now! ...
"So, Honky spreads his legs wide and moves his ass down in the chair some more till his balls hang over the edge of the cushion. I take them in my hand and look up at his cock, and see it lying against his stomach. He is in another world, puffing on his joint, putting all his feeling and soul into the place I'm at-in his balls and cock and tight asshole.
"And man, I'm so excited I think I'm gonna cream right there on the floor. My pussy is dripping already, I can feel it.. I touch it with my fingers and resist fucking myself 'cause I know I'll come easily and I wanna save that moment for my man, 'cause he loves to finger me when he shoots in my mouth.
"So Honky puts his arms out over the top of the couch and lets me go to town; And baby, I'm going to the fucking moon down there, let me tell you! I start licking his balls, like a little dog, you know? I do it with long, even strokes, running the entire length of my tongue over each globe, stopping just at the bottom of his thick cock. Then I kiss each one, taking turns, until I start drawing each one into my lips a little.
'Baby, oh baby,' my baby-man says. His cock looks like it's gonna explode right now! He's flying in the stars, and I'm doing it to him, and the feeling is far out, really far out! There ain't nothin' like it!
"I suck on one of his balls and then open my mouth real wide and pull them both in. It isn't easy, cause they're so big, but I can do it. I've had enough practice. He loves it. He starts moaning like a baby-that's why I can him my baby-man, 'cause' he's such a big stud and when I have him under my sexual power he's just a baby-and I suck his nuts in and out, driving him out of his ever-loving black mind!
"Then I pull my lips away and roll his balls in my fingertips, caressing them. Because they're so wet with my saliva, they move easily. The hairs-... man, he's a hairy motherfucker!-are rough and thick. I pull them and twist them. He moans' and sighs and moves his ass cheeks deeper into the couch. I know he wants me on his dick, but I'm gonna let him beg for it ...
"I move my pussy against his leg and he feels the hair. He lifts his foot and I can feel the bone of his leg cutting against my cunt lips, pushing them open. My juices make his leg wet and he pulls up so his sock touches my cunt, and it dries my thighs a little. That does more to me and I feel even more excited. I can't stand it. I gotta have his dick in my lips.
"Honey baby, your pussy's drippin' all over the rug ... ' he whispers, smiling.
"Don't you worry about that none, the rug's already fulla your jism.'
"He smiles some more and reaches down and grabs the base of his cock with his right hand. He lifts it off his belly and holds it up in the air. 'Come on, honey, suck this beautiful dick ... '
"He knows he's got the best-lookin' black dick in all Chicago. He's the biggest stud I've ever seen and I'm always amazed that I'm his woman. Everyone wants him, everyone wants to fuck with him. But what they don't know is he likes getting sucked more than anything, and I'm the best blow job in the goddamned world.
"And I'm gonna give it to him. He holds his cock there .as I move closer to it. My nipples brush against his thighs and I press down so his balls are between them, between my tits. He gasps and moves his cockhead-it's huge, bigger and rounder than you could imagine-against me and I lift my head so it touches under my neck. He squirms and then drops it and moves his hands back to the top of the couch.
"Then I bring my fingers up and start caressing that gorgeous tool. Man, it's big. I've never seen another guy quite so big-well, that's not true. I've sucked a few black studs who were just about as big, I guess. But I've never met a white guy with a cock like Honky's. They say black meat is the best, and they sure as hell know what the fuck they're talking about! I'll suck a white cock anytime if I like the guy, but baby, it'll never come near satisfying me like a big thick black dick will. I think it's what I'm on this earth for. That's why I got my little ass out of Alabama. Those Southern niggers are too up tight, too afraid, George Wallace and all that shit and memories of the whole slave number. Us Northern cats are okay, in tune, together. We get our pussies out and our cocks out and we do it. Down South, they just talk about it and then go through a guilt trip about the past. Fuck the past. We live for now!
"I run my fingers up the length of his dick and stop just before I reach the head, 'cause that's the part that really drives his head into orbit. Then I tickle it and lift it and let it drop back to his smooth, tight black stomach. He lifts one leg up on the soft cushion and his asshole is open before me also. I run my fingertips from just under the head of his cock, down the shaft, over his huge balls, and right to the opening of his asshole. I rest them there and he starts undulating like the devil got in him!
"Then I move my lips up close to his dick, so he can feel my breath. I breathe over the tip of his cock and lift my head:-There is a huge gob of semen sitting there on the slit in the tip. I bend down again and flick it off with my tongue and Hanky goes nuts! He starts moaning and asking me for it, begging, calling me all kinds of sweet names. I still won't suck it.
"Finally he wraps his fingers around the bottom of his dick and holds it up in the air. He grabs my hair with his other hand and lets out a shout, 'Suck my cock, you black bitch! You cunt! You cocksucker!' and rams my head down with his powerful hand. My eyes bulge as the tip of his enormous cock slams against the back of my throat and my whole body shakes. It's what I want, it's what I need. Man, I love to hear him order me. He's such a man, so strong. What a goddamn stud!
"He pulls his hands away and becomes my baby again. I start working like always, sucking first on the tip. I curl my tongue down under the ridge and up the slit. I can taste more drops of his thick come and it only serves to increase my excitement. My pussy is flapping down there and my titties are hard as rocks.
"I grasp his cock base with both hands and move my lips up and down, taking as much of the long thing as I can. I suck and then am gentle, and I use my tongue a lot, tickling and licking, driving up the fucking wall. He starts to move his hips up and down and he grabs my head and holds it still. Then he fucks my mouth, thrusting his cock up and down, in and out, raping the back of my throat, scraping against the smooth white teeth, running over my sensitive tongue. I move one hand down to play with his balls and I held them tight, feeling them contract from the excitement. He can't take it any more and he releases my head. Hen, with his cock still in my mouth, he moves his whole body forward and stands up, and I stay connected to him, kneeling in front of him.
"Take that outta your mouth and suck my hole a little,' he says. I obey. I drop his cock and shake my head-feels good, my hair gets all matted and shaking it makes it fluffy-and open my lips. He turns around and places his smooth male ass in my face. I brush against it, putting little kisses all over it, as he bends over and spreads his legs. His beautiful asshole flowers open in front of my eyes and I put my lips to it. He moans and spreads his cheeks with his hands. I dart my tongue in and out of his anus and it just' about causes him to come! I reach under, between his legs, and grab hold of his throbbing cock. Man, lean tell he's hot! It's enormous! I pull on it, forcing it down between his legs, hurting him a little, as I still suck on his asshole.
"Then I move my lips down and kiss his balls again and pull his cock further so it is pointing at me from between his legs. I take it in my mouth, still holding it tightly in my hand. He bends as far' as he can, with his hair touching the floor, and he watches from underneath, watches my hand and my mouth and my titties and my wet pussy. I suck till he is ready to shoot, and I stop suddenly and let go of his cock. It flies back into position and hits his stomach, and his balls bounce back down between his legs. He stands up and looks down at me.
"Baby honey, we better get it on or I'm gonna have this big mother accident,' he says, as he comes down to the floor. He stretches his big body out and positions himself alongside me, in a sixty-nine position. His big dick is in front of my face and my pussy is ready for his lips and his hand. I take his cock into my mouth and start sucking. I grab his balls with one 'hand and reach around and play with his asshole with the other. I slide my little finger up his ass-with the help of my saliva-and I know he's ready now, this is what he likes. the best. And I'm ready for his load-his big load-and I want to choke on it, I want to gag on it, I want to be smothered by it!
"This feeling of electricity shoots through my cunt as he kisses it. Man, the feel of his thick stud lips against the little lips of my pussy is too much for one chick to stand! His tongue sneaked up me right away and he was sucking on my clit as hard as I was doing his dick.
"I sucked and sucked, and I could feel his balls contracting, and inside his asshole my finger could feel a tightening-I knew he was just about ready. And I knew it would be a good one 'cause of the grass and all, and 'cause I was pouring my pussy juice right into his mouth.
"He sucked me as hard as he could until his tongue got tired and' then he shoved his fingers in there. He knows just what to do-how to tickle my clitoris and fuck my vagina and caress the lips of my pussy at once. And it brings me to a climax almost immediately.
"'Frieda, you beautiful black cunt, I'm gonna shoot my wad in your face, baby ... ' He was shouting in the air watching his fingers moving in and out of my cunt. He trembled and then froze and shoved his hips into the air. His cock ripped the back of my throat arid suddenly I felt the jolt in his asshole, the swelling of his balls, and then the terrible burst of fire in my mouth. I sucked hard, and my mouth was filled with spurt after spurt of' milky liquid, and I swallowed it and let some dribble down my chin and cheeks. And inside me I was-at the peak of my climax and down between my legs I let loose with a gush of pussy juice that poured all over Honky's big black hand.
"He kept jutting his hips up, forcing his cock back and forth in my mouth, with each burst. I thought it would never stop coming. It's like a good song you never want it to end.
"I finally let his cock slip from my mouth so I could lick the come that had run down it. I lapped it all. up and then rolled my head over the length of it, covering' my soft skin with his cream. I couldn't get enough of it, and I took the cock back in my lips and started in again. In' about three minutes he shot off, this time with a load not quite as big as the first, but enough to make me happy. My-man was giving me the milk and honey, and I was seeing the Lord! Now I know what the preacher was shouting about down there in Alabama!
"Well, honey, I'm remembering it again, instead of telling it like it was happening now. Anyway, you get the basic picture. I'm a cocksucker. A black cocksucker, and I'm proud of it, honey, cause I do what I have to do and there ain't nobody in this world who's gonna tell me different. My man is my baby-man, and he's gonna be sticking that wild black thing that hangs down his leg into my mouth till one day I choke to death on it. And honey, I can say to you right now, I can't think of a better way to go!
"You know, it's really been far out telling you all this! My pussy is dripping! Wheee!"
The most significant of Frieda's perversions is her inability to experience coitus. Never once in reviewing her case, did she express a desire to have a union of the genitals.
As the child matures and passes through the stages of sexuality, of which the oral is the primary stage, followed by the anal stage, the phallic, and lastly the genital stage, the possibility arises of becoming fixated at one of these-levels. Frieda is obviously a pervert fixated at the oral level. Her mouth has remained the primary sexual organ.
How does this happen? Possibly we get a clue from her experience with the choirmaster. We know that traumatic moments in childhood, especially those connected with sexuality, are liable to leave fixation points which are determined by the repetition compulsion until they abreact or the traumatic emotion is released.
Even though Frieda does not seem to look upon this experience as a particularly horrifying one, it was after all her first sexual experience. And, if this was the first time she became aware of the anatomical distinctions between the sexes, this would have definitely precipitated a trauma.
During the clitoral level of development, i.e. at about the age of four, the little girl experiences a "genital' trauma" which exhibits two characteristics. Firstly, and most importantly, she realizes that, unlike the little boy, she is equipped with genitals which do not give her an adequate outlet for pent-up sexual aggressions. Thus, she turns her aggressions inward, in contradistinction to the little boy, who turns his toward the external world. In this "turn inward," she awaits vaginal penetration before she can attain the genital stage of sexuality. In the meantime, she regresses, usually to the anal level.
In the case of Frieda, because of the fixation provoked by the trauma she remained at the oral level. But this, is by no means the only etiological factor.
As another consequence of the "genital trauma," the little girl, when noticing the male genital, envies him his possession. Possibly, this envy is replaced first by a wish for the father's penis, then by symbolical displacement into having a child, Helene Deutsch said that there is not a woman within whom some traces of "penis envy" cannot be found. In other words, penis envy is normal.
But with Frieda, the normal acts of repression were not' accomplished. Rather she both denied the "genital trauma" and its effect, the castration complex. And paradoxically, she sought this object in the external world, as a cannibal seeks his food.
As an illustration of the denial, we may call attention to her contention that she herself ejaculated hypothetical pseudo-sperm in "great quantity." Certainly, this is a physiological impossibility. However, her wishes dominate her reality.
The oral zone is the first to become associated with pleasure, and the child receives this pleasure from his mother's breast. Initially, the child considers the mother's breast to be part of his body, and not a part of his mother. Only later does he recognize the breast as an object and, at this time, he desires not to be separated from it but to have it always. Thus, he goes through an aggressive oral, .or cannibal, stage. It is during this stage that the child develops teeth and the mother is forced to wean him.
Frieda even remarks herself that she finds a symbolical unity between the breast and the penis, and she substitutes the latter for the former in her fantasies. Her violent attitude towards all men except Honky after she is orally separated from their organ, is a manifestation of this breast-penis identification. Honky is the exception because she has identified with his penis. Honky's penis becomes her possession' she even calls it her "baby," the one all the other women desire. Thus Frieda seeks a breast from which she was never able to wean herself, and simultaneously denies the absence of the phallic as her anatomical part.
Karl Abraham tells us, in his book The First Pre-genital Stage of the Libido: from abreaction ... persons who cling to infantile pleasure sucking are invariably seriously hampered in the development of their sexuality. Their instincts of nutrition and of sexuality remain to a certain extent intermingled. Their libido does not find the way to a living, human object in a normal manner, but seeks its gratification in the first instance in sucking up a material into the mouth.
The connection with Frieda is obvious. Her mouth is her genital area; she has never progressed to full feminine genitality. For her, love, in the true sense of the term, does not exist, coitus is impossible, she gives no pleasure and cares for no object. She only wants gratification from the substitute breast. To Frieda men are only a means to this end.
We also notice that Frieda is also an overt exhibitionist and finds pleasure in anal erotic practices. These are like adjuncts to her almost wholly perverted sexual nature.
"Last night I was so motherfucking horny I thought I was gonna go outta my mind! I called my girlfriend and she was goin' out with some assfucker, so I decided I'd go out and get me a little action. I was thinking about Honky being locked up in that there jail cell and lying there on his little bed, beating that beautiful nigger meat in the air, and I wished I could be there, just to put my mouth on it and help him out, know what I mean?
"I may as well tell you, cause you're cool, I know. Honky, he got busted and sent up for a long time I think. His trial is put off-you know how fucked up this here country is-and he's waiting on it, man. Re had all this shit on him when his pigs pulled him over. Hell, they was getting him for. driving without a goddamn tail light, and they take one good look at his eyes and they knew he was on something, man, So they look in the trunk of his car and they find all those pills and all that grass and they kicked the shit outta him, right there on the side of the road. Fuckin' pigs!
"So, they take my Honky away, and I'm a lonely girl, I can tell you. I used to get my kicks from his cock, you know? Now there's no more cock, and 'when I think about it I get all pussy-wet and hungry for it. I started taking some uppers and got into some heavy shit, but I'm not really into it. I shoot up a little bit in the afternoon, sometimes, but never more than that. It's just taking the place of my baby-man and I know that, so there's nothing little Frieda has to worry about. But I'm .so lonely ...
"And all the time I'm meeting these strung-out cats, and I want a guy with a good hard dick cause I. want to suck, baby, and it's no good sucking on a junkie's dick cause it won't get stiff. So lately I've been finding my boys in the straight neighborhood, and it's been going pretty smoothly.
"Take last night. I was so horny I knew I had to get outta the house and find myself a man. I went down the street but all the usual freaks were there. This one real jive cat-he's an asshole, you know he says to me, 'Hey, Frieda baby, you going shoppin'?'
"I looked at him and stopped walking, giving him this very Flip Wilson pose with my hands on my ass. Then I looked at him and says, 'Honey, what you mean is I going shoppin'? I'm going to the meat market, and I know just what I want.'
"He gives me this big dopey smile and his hand down on his crotch and says, 'Honey, I got some meat you'll love to eat. You missing your man must have you all nice and gooey by now.'
"I just bat my lashes and smile. 'Honey, I'm gonna go set me some white meat to nibble on, You black better get your asses tack down to and Jet some nice Southern Belles your cocks along with their mint juleps.'
"See this,' he says to me, pulling his dick outta his pants. 'No white boy's got anything like this.'
"'And no black boy has anything like my Honky,' I said and walked off down the street. Hell, it wasn't easy. The sight of his nice long cock was enough to give me shivers, but I didn't like that boy, never have liked him, and I was really looking for a white guy. I don't know why, but since those white pigs got my baby-man, I been lusting for white cock.
"I found this kid standing near the subway, and I could tell right away he was cruising me. He looked like he was about my age-middle twenties-but very straight. He was wearing jeans and a jacket to match and I could see a nice bulge in the front of his pants. I walked by him and pretended to see something on the ground. I bent over, with my ass facing him, and pretended to pick it up. That way he could see I wasn't wearing any underpants.
"When I stood up, I could see his face was red and his eyes were flaming. His cock was getting longer and longer in his pants, and I stood there watching it, staring at it. Then I pulled a cigarette from my purse and put it to my lips. I looked at him.
"'You want a light?' honey sugar', Can you spare one?' I had softly, glancing down at his pants again. He moved and walked toward me and that thick long bulge moved with his leg. I could even make out the rounded tip and the ridge under it. Immediately, Honky's dick flashed through my mind and I could feel the wind up my legs, tickling my pussy hairs. Man, I wanted to suck his cock.
"He gave me a light and I stood close to him so the match wouldn't be blown out by the wind. His leg brushed against mine and that was all we needed.
"You wanna go somewhere?' he asked.
"Honey, I got a candle burning in my place just for you ... ' And with that he took my arm and we walked up the street. When we turned to cut' through the alley near my house, we stopped and without saying a word, kissed. He wasn't no black boy kisser, but he was okay. I rubbed his cock through his pants and he got down on his knees and stuck his head under my little skirt. My pussy opened in front of him and he tickled the lips with his tongue.
"I gotta have you, gotta suck you,' he said, almost desperately. He looked around and spotted some garbage cans, just a few feet away. 'Come here, put one foot up on this,' he ordered, pointing to a small can.
"I did it, and my pussy was flapping there in the breeze. He knelt in the dirt and sucked me into his lips, gnawing at my pussy lips till I thought I'd fall over. I pushed forward and he brought his hands up and held my buttocks and played with my asshole. I was seeing double, and I pretended it was my Honky come back to give me a nice licking. I saw Honky, and saw his cock, and then I felt the tongue brushing like crazy over my clit, and I started moanin' and carrying on like you wouldn't believe! Then my juice started coming, and this white boy got it all over his face as he sucked it out of me. I shook and rattled the damn can, but I didn't fall over. His fingers rubbed my asshole and played with my pussy lips till I couldn't take it anymore and I put my foot down and he got up.
"His face was all wet and I told him he looked like he just stepped from the shower and he laughed and said he had.
"We got to my place and he flopped in the couch, like Honky always did, with his legs spread. I've got three or four pictures of my baby-man in the room there, and this guy looks around and asks, 'Who's the stud?'
"Man that made me so proud! Who's the stud? That's my Hanky-baby, that's who that is. I told him, 'That's my man, but he's in the pigpen. And I miss his nice fat cock.'
"'He's got a big one?' the guy asked.
"'Big? Big? Honey, it's the biggest thing you ever put your little eyes on! Here, I'll show you,' I said, looking in a drawer for the naked picture of Honky. I found it easily and showed it to him. The photo shows him sitting right there on the couch with his hard dick in his hand. Come is pouring from the tip of it, and every time I look at it I go outta my head! That's real soul, that picture. And the guy really dug it too. He said Honky sure looked like he knew what he was doing.
"Let's see what you're gonna be doing,' I said as I put a record on. I lit a joint just as he pulled his jeans down off his body. He was a bit smaller than my baby-man, but it was a nice cock, well-formed. I know he figured he was gonna have some nice black pussy to stick it into, but I had other ideas for him. We smoked the grass, and then he started talking about positions to fuck in.
"'I don't wanna fuck, honey, I just wanna put your nice white dick in my nice soft black mouth and suck the living shitfuck out of you.'
"His eyes opened wide and I sat there smiling. I began removing my clothing and he watched, playing with his penis. It got longer and harder, and when I was naked on front of him I reached out and took it in my hand.
"'I'll bet you give a nice blow job,' he said as I moved my lips closer to his cock.
"'Babycakes, I invented it!' I told him with a giggle. I was going nuts already and my titties were hard as rocks. I glanced over the picture of Honky and naked, wet cock, and my excitement reached its peak. I took that white dick in my lips and started giving it a suck job it would never forget.
"After a few easy strokes to get him loosened up, I really let it slam down my throat. He grabbed my shoulders and dug his hands into me. Then I pulled back and nibbled around the reddish tip for a minute, and then rammed it down my throat again. He let go and let his head flop back.
"Oh, wow, don't stop! This is the best I've ever had ... Jesus Christ Almighty!'
"I bit down under the glans a little and scraped my teeth along the shaft. Then I moved my head faster and faster till he was writhing and panting and I could tell he was getting close. I pulled off and smashed my head down to his nuts and licked them and pulled them into my mouth.
"Oh, far out, far out!' he said again and again. The grass had made him all mellow inside, but he was hard as a rock in my lips and I was glad. I could taste premature drops of come every now and then, and as soon as I went back up to his cock, a big round pearly drop awaited me. Man, I knew he was going to be a big load. And it was going to come soon, very soon. , "Again, I thought of my baby-man and pretended this white guy was actually him. He was gonna come, fucking my face with his big black dick, shooting his juice inside me. I wanted it to happen fast, and I stuffed my hand into my vagina just as his cock swelled for the last time.
"I'm gonna shoot! I'm gonna fucking 'shoot in your black mouth!' He yelled and smashed his hips upward and then collapsed-and, with his collapse, it happened. My mouth was filled with a powerful gush of white cream, hotter than hell. My lips were glued around his cock so none of it would escape and I swallowed the entire load. His balls finally rested silently in his sac and I knew it was over. I held his cock with one hand as I let it slide out of my lips and I looked at it and licked it as it softened before me. It was then I came back to earth. The cock was white and the guy was white. I had been dreaming about my Honky. And suddenly I hated this guy and told him to leave.
"He got really upset cause he thought he was gonna get a fuck in' too, but I told him to get his ass out. He called me a black spade cocksucker and I hit him with a real heavy whitey rap until he finally stumbled out the door.
"I sat down on the floor, listening to Aretha again, and began to cry. I needed something to get me up, to get me going. I needed Honky's cock, but I couldn't have it. I couldn't let anyone fuck me. And I didn't want any black dick but my baby-man's. And wow, I wanted to die. What a, bummer!
"Then there was this rap on the door and before I could get up to see who it was, this guy steps in. It was Rick, the same cat who pulled out his cock on the street earlier.
"Frieda, you do that white boy real nice? His stuff taste as good as nigger stuff?'
"You get your ass outta here, little boy. This here's Hanky's place and he don't want you in it.'
"Fuck Honky! He's up there where he can't do anything to change what is, and I'm standing here telling you what's happening, that's what is! And I'm also telling you you better get ready because you gonna give me what you just gave that white boy, you hear?'
"I started shaking. There was something in my head. I don't know what it was, that was stopping me from having sex with any black guy but Hanky. I was afraid of any black dick but his, that's why I had been going after white boys. And here was this cat, Rick, standing there across the room from me, taking off his pants. I could see his cock swinging between his dark legs and I started crying something terrible. I knew he was gonna make me suck him, and I knew I had to. obey. But I wanted my baby-man and I couldn't help crying.
"He walked across the room and stuck it right into my face. It wasn't even hard yet, but it sure was big. He brushed it against my cheeks and the tears made it wet. I loved it-loved its smell, its size, its blackness-but I felt guilty, cheating. It wasn't my Hanky's black dick!
"Suck me, sister. Get it hard just like you did with Hanky, you little slut bitch.' He grabbed my hair and pulled it and then kicked me. He knelt down and pushed his loins into my face. I took his cock in my mouth. Looking up at his face terrified me.
I looked down and started sucking. It began to get hard, as it did, more and more of it out of my mouth-it was very long and slender. He shouted at me and pulled my hair until I stopped crying and really got into giving him a good blow job.
"'I always heard you were the best,' he said, obviously feeling that way himself. He started fucking my mouth and playing with my titties at the same time.
"He tweaked my nipples till they hurt and told me to suck harder. I was doing the best I could, and then he told me he wanted my finger up his asshole. I found the opening and it slid up there easily-I thought if Hanky were home he'd probably be wanting his dick up there instead of my finger and I shoved it in and out, finger-fucking him as I bounced on his long black cock.
"I kept the rhythm going, pushing and pulling, and he was carrying on like a goddamn dog in heat. I thought he was never gonna come! I sucked the end of his cock around the shaft, dragging it in and out shoving that finger up his hot asshole, playing with his hairy balls. He held my tits and played with them as he watched my head frantically bouncing in front of him.
"I'm gonna fill you up, Frieda, you suck-queen!' he shouted, starting to ram his cock in double-time. I didn't move my head any longer-I just let him fuck my face. His cock tasted good and sweet now, and my finger slid in and out of his dark asshole with ease.
"Fuck me harder, shove that finger up there, bitch,' he said, which really turned me on. I let him smash that nigger cock down my throat again and again, and I matched each stroke with my finger and finally shoved two of them up there as far as I could get them. Tears came to my eyes again because I was afraid I wasn't going to last. I was on my last bit of energy and strength. I knew I needed a fix. And I also knew I needed his jism.
"It happened slowly-almost painfully-and I could hardly believe it! I mean, tuck, man, this was Incredible! He started yelling and changed to longer, more even strokes. Come started spilling outta his cock, but it came in long beautiful spurts which shook him somewhere inside. I kept my fingers up his asshole and felt every tightening of the muscles each time another spurt flowed into my hungry mouth. He came and came and came, and I took it all and gave him the orgasm of his life. Finally I had to pull away. I moved my mouth off his cock and pulled my fingers out of his ass at the same moment. And then I fell back to the floor.
"OK, stud man, you know where I can get some shit!'
"He looked down at me, holding his softening cock in his hand. 'Baby, you on that stuff?'
"'No, I just need some to forget eating that little dick of yours,' I said, mocking him. He slapped me across the mouth and suddenly I hated him more than ever.'
"You ain't gonna find no shit around here, honey. This place is clean! Go get some from your stud boy in the pen!'
"'Fuck off,' I said, and turned over on the floor. He bent down and patted my ass and then I heard him putting on his pants, and in a minute he was gone. I lay there on the floor a long time and then I called this pusher I know and I went and got me some stuff.
"Last night I went to the movie-you know, the cheap one for forty-nine cents-and I was sitting in the back row when these two teen-ager's come up the aisle. I had one leg out in the aisle and they could see my pussy open there under my skirt. They stopped and lingered on a bit, and I moved over one seat. I was so wrecked I didn't even know what the movie was about. In a minute they were sitting on either side of me, playing with my pussy. They both put their fingers up my dress at the same time and I was going crazy. Honey, my pussy was squirting all over their hands. Then one started sucking my left tit through my blouse and the other did the same, and I grabbed their hard cocks in their pants. Then I told them to take them out.
"They obeyed and pulled their pants down to their ankles. They leaned back in their-seats and I reached out and began playing with both their big cocks at the same time, moving the skin up and down. I couldn't stand it any more-I had to taste them. So I bent over and sucked on one, still holding onto the other, and then did the opposite. I took turns, sucking one till it was just ready to shoot, and then going to the other one. Those boys were going out of their ever-loving minds-and I'll bet anything they never had a black chick before.
"Finally, I had to have it. I let the one on my right come first, and he muffled his groans as his body rose and fell as he pumped his young come into my mouth. The other guy was going nuts watching, and as soon as my lips hit his cock he came too, shooting semen all over my face and his pubic hair. I licked it all into my mouth and finally sat back and relaxed. They played with my pussy some more guys and hate till their cocks softened then they pulled up their pants. They asked if they could see me again and I told them to go home to their parents.
"'You see, I can't relate to anyone. I hate white guys and hate doing it to them, but I'm compelled to it. I don't know why. I'm afraid of black studs and I don't know how to come on with them. I think it's all this shit I'm shooting, but man, I gotta do something! You know? My Honky, he don't write anymore, and he's gonna be there a long-long time, they tell me, so what am I gonna do? I know I gotta get it together, but how?
"All I know is I gotta have some more white dick. I gotta be the black chick kneeling in front of a white man, sucking on his thing, swallowing his load. I gotta feel powerless, gotta feel dominated. Till he comes. Then I'm on top, then I'm the fucking queen! Then I can tell the motherfucker to get lost when he says he wants to screw me! I'm a good suck, baby, but that's all I do. Only one man's gonna get my pussy, and he's in jail, and I'm gonna save it for him when he gets out.
"But I wish someone would help me, 'cause I'm worried ..."
We find a clue to Frieda's illness when she tells us that she "enjoys living out fantasies ..." The normal individual has learned, in his development, to repress and sublimate his component sexual instincts. These sexual desires give him the energy which he uses in the construction of civilization.
The pervert is the negative to this normal evolution; he cannot renounce his former pleasures, and in this way is unable to adjust to culture, no matter what ethnic group he or she is from. All cultures demand infantile renunciation in favor of the group and its preservation. This is a demand which Frieda is unable to meet.
Frieda is locked into a sterile and unsatisfying existence, utterly denying her femininity, her reproductive function, her genital pleasure outside of masturbation, and of most importance, the feeling of loving another human being.
Chapter 2
Tony
"I came to this country when I was seventeen, but I first had my cock sucked back in Italy when I was fifteen. Till that time, I knew what sex was all about-I mean I had it in my mind-but I and never had an experience. Sure, a bunch of us kids would sit around and beat off, but what was that? I wanted some action, something mote than my own hand.
"I was the only boy in the family with five kids, and thus I had to get away from the house to find out anything about sex. Alberto became my best friend-he was a few years older than me-and let me know what fucking was like. So one day we arranged for me to hide in a closet while I watched him fuck his girlfriend.
"It was rare to find a girl in our small village who put out like that, but Alberto was handsome and had a big cock-and he really new what to do with it. I almost died of lack of oxygen in that closet, but I certainly learned a lot and felt a rush of excitement like I had never felt before.
"I was looking straight up their legs-Alberto's big hairy legs over the girl's slender soft skin-and I could see his huge balls bouncing each time his long dick slid in and out of her juicy cunt. I grabbed my cock and started beating it and I came just when they did. Man, I shot come an over the damn closet door and the shoes that were on the floor. But I didn't care-it was an education, right?
"Then a week later, Alberto said he wanted to have his cock sucked, and that his girl friend would do it. Would I like to watch? What a question! I had only once seen a picture of such an act, and it stimulated me quite a bit. You bet I would love to watch!
"We set the time, and just as his girl friend came to his house, I hid in the stuffy closet. It was so hot in there I decided to take off my shirt and pants, so in a minute I was naked, kneeling on the floor, my swollen cock in my right hand, my other cupped under my balls.
"Alberto kissed and hugged her for a few moments and then moved close to the closet-I knew he wanted me to get a good look. He told her to strip, and she did, and he played with her tits and kissed them and ran his fingers over her pussy lips. She got very excited, and then he told her take his cock out.
"She opened his pants and pulled his half-hard cock out. Then he told her to get on her knees. When she did so, she was kneeling almost in front of me and her face was right behind the keyhole. I had a great view!
"She held his cock directly in front of her lips and licked the tip with her tongue. It swelled and surged in her grasp, and the head inflated and turned deep red. Then she opened her wet lips and wrapped them around it, keeping them there over the tip as she brought her hands up to grasp his ass.
"Alberto moaned and looked down at the closet door and winked. Then he told her to pull his pants down. She took her lips off the tip of his cock-it was dripping with her saliva-and opened his belt. She pulled his pants down to the floor, and then his undershorts. He stepped out of them and spread his legs in front of her. He was ready for everything now.
"Alberto's cock was gigantic and I was certain she could never take the entire thing in her mouth. But I watched in fascination as she slowly and carefully proved me wrong. First she took hold of his balls and caressed them in her fingertips. Alberto grabbed his cock and held it up, so she could get at his balls easier.
"'Suck em,' he said softly. She opened her beautiful mouth again and took both of his nuts into her mouth, and pushed her head up tight against his crotch. Man, I thought I was going to come that minute! I couldn't imagine such a thing and I could only wonder what it felt like! Alberto was in ecstasy. He pumped his cock and undulated his hips with moans like I had never heard. It was incredible.
"Then she pulled her mouth away and let his saliva-coated balls swing free between his legs. He dropped his cock and it pointed directly at her lips and she took it in her mouth. I could see her lips tighten around the shaft as she eased her head onto lightly, gently, till half of it was in her mouth she pulled back and stopped just be fore the head fen from her lips, and again the organ into her. Her saliva foamed around the soft skin of his organ and dribbled down her chin.
"She started playing with his balls as she moved back and forth on his cock. Each time she pulled the organ deeper and deeper into her mouth-where was it? I saw her throat bulge, and tears form in her eyes, as Alberto's hands forced all of it into her. The entire length of his cock-which had to be about ten inches-had disappeared into her! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! She had the tip down her throat and still she sucked like a puppy dog, hungry, beautiful, intense.
"Then she really went to town. I pumped my own cock so hard I thought they could hear me. Alberto was moaning, and I was afraid he would fall over in ecstasy. His girl friend worked expertly, sucking and blowing and pulling and pushing. Every now and then she would release her grasp on his cock and cover the tip with kisses. Or he would twist his hips from side to side and smack her face with the length of his organ, hitting her cheeks with a hollow sound: And she loved every moment of it.
"Then something happened I wasn't expecting-she sucked his cock in rhythm till I thought he was going to explode-the hair on his body was standing on end and his face was cringing in pain and pleasure and his balls tightened in their sac. All of a sudden he grabbed her head-by her hair-and pulled her face from his cock as he held it in his hand. It was dripping of saliva and looked as if it were about to burst ...
"Don't move, keep your mouth open!' he called out, and then it came. He aimed his cock at the opening of her lips and kept it about three inches from her face. The longest spurts of come I had ever seen began to shoot from it like fire from a cannon. Each squirt of hot white come hit her lips, or the cavity of her mouth, and she moaned and cried as she watched the cock shooting into her. She wanted desperately to take it in her and suck the cream from it. Alberto wouldn't let her. He wanted to show me how the come spurted into her mouth.
"I gasped and froze. In a second I would come, I knew it. I was sweating and balancing on my knees, which were beginning to hurt. I saw Alberto let go of her hair and she slammed her mouth down on his still-spurting cock, and then I leaned back and knocked a coat off a hanger ...
"It was a shock for the girl and me, and quite humorous for Alberto. I shouted, fell forward, hit my head on the-door-which caused it to open wide and I fell out into the room, bare naked with a stiff cock.
"The girl began shouting at Alberto and he screamed back at her, in the loud, ridiculous way all Italians shout-have you seen The Godfather?-and they ran around the room calling each other all kinds of names while I sat there on the floor, feeling just a little bit stupid.
"Finally, the girl calmed down and, I think because she hadn't been able to suck Alberto to a climax, she consented to give me the first blow job of my life. Alberto begged her to do it and she went to it quickly. She knelt down between my legs, which she spread with her hands, and told me to lie back on the floor and relax. Relax? How could I relax?
"I felt the nipples of her tits brushing against my young thighs as she moved her head near my stiff cock. It wasn't as large as Alberto's, but it was a good size for my age. Then all at once a warmth seemed to envelop me and I closed my eyes and gave myself up to pleasure.
"Alberto sat next to me, watching, getting excited again, and he began playing with himself right next to my chest. His balls brushed against my skin and this too excited me. I was a ball of sexual energy!
"She moved her lips down over the tip of my cock and I went to heaven. I knew then what the priests and nuns had meant when they said I would see God! It was absolutely the most exquisite feeling I had ever experienced! It was as if every nerve in my body was moved to my cock.
"She pumped her head up and down and held it with her hand, around the base, moving her' fingers over my balls and down between the crack of my asshole. I felt the load rising in my loins, rising through my cock, ready to spill into her mouth. She took all of it in her throat, and the tip rubbed against the roof of her mouth as it slid back there. Then I knew it was about to happen and I stiffened and clenched my fists.
"Just then I felt something hot splash on my chest and I knew that Alberto had come again. That was enough to do it-I let my body go limp as all the built-up come exploded into her face. She choked at first, but sucked hard and swallowed every drop of it. She worked on my balls as each surge of juice filled her, and she pulled up along the shaft of my organ with her lips, to get every drop out of the slit in the tip.
"Alberto rubbed my hair playfully and I opened my eyes. I was thankful and overjoyed and still a little surprised by it all. The girl sat up and smiled. "Ummm, very nice!' she said happily.
"Then she let me touch her pussy and her tits, which was also a new experience for me, and it excited me even further. A thought flashed through my mind: What would it be like to do the same to her? What would it be like to suck her pussy?
"I didn't have a chance to find out-at least not that afternoon. She said she had to get home, and she quickly dressed and left us sitting naked on the floor.
"I don't believe that happened,' I said, my head still confused and excited.
"She knows what she's doing. Did you like it?'
"Like it? I loved it!' My cock was still hard that was proof that I liked it!
"'She's a nice girl,' Alberto said; playing with his cock. It too was half-hard-we were very horny guys, you see. And summer in Italy ... oh, well, it can do that to a person.
"I brought myself to ask him the question that had been troubling me. 'Antonio, have you ever ... well, have you sucked her pussy?'
"He smiled. 'Sure, a few times. I like it all right, but I'm selfish and make her work hard at the time. It's really a great thing, especially when she's all turned on and starts to gush her juice into your mouth ... '
"I started beating my cock again as I listened to him describe what it was like to eat her cunt.
"' ... Then I spread the lips with my fingers just enough to put my tongue in between. I slide it up and down till she starts crying and moving, then I push my face to her body and stick my tongue up her as far as it will go!'
"I could hardly stand it-I pictured every detail in my mind as I masturbated. It wasn't long before I was ready to come again.
"' ... And then finally she shudders and I taste the salty drops of her fluid, and then she comes all over my wet face, banging her ass on the bed, pulling my hair and shouting out loud ... '
"The come shot out of the tip of my cock as I pictured my face buried between her sweet thighs. I didn't care where it landed-I wasn't even watching! I just knew what I was dreaming and it was wonderful. I wanted to do it in real life!
"When I settled down and could breathe again, I looked at Alberto with a crazy smile. 'Oh, Alberto, this day has been too much for me.'
"He laughed. 'Would you like to do that to her sometime? I could arrange it. Besides, I think she likes you. She sure liked your cock.'
"I couldn't respond. I just nodded and burst into laughter, honest wild young laughter. I finally felt that I was growing up. And I thought, if my sisters only knew!
"Two weeks later, Alberto arranged for me to meet his girl friend-I cannot remember her name, hard as I try!-but I was afraid to go alone. He said he would be glad to accompany me, to teach me if I needed help! We met her and went up to the room it felt strange not to be hiding in the closet on this hot afternoon. We soon undressed and sat on the big bed.
"She lay down on the pillows, and Alberto and I knelt on either side of her so she could play with our cocks and suck them alternately till we got hard. When we did, she held them tight as we played with her big breasts. Then she spread her legs and Alberto winked at me-it was time.
"I knelt between her legs. Alberto placed a pillow under her buttocks so her pussy would be open in front of my face. I stared at it-at the folds, the heavy lips, the dark hair-and realized I had never seen one so close before. I longed to smash my face to its furry softness and suck as hard as I could, but I remembered what Alberto had told me to go slowly.
"I nibbled at little and spread the lips with my fingers, and she started moaning, just as he had said she would. Then I found her hard little clitoris and began rubbing it with my fingers, fascinated. I flicked it with my tongue as I spread the lips as far as I could. She went wild!
"Alberto moved above her, kneeling on either side of her face, his balls falling directly into her mouth. She sucked on them as he beat his cock, watching my face making love to her pussy.
"And I certainly did make love to it. I was utterly carried away, into another world it seemed, and I have never gotten over the feeling-there is nothing in the world as exciting for me, absolutely nothing. I often masturbate when I'm sucking a cunt, but it doesn't matter really, I still feel real ecstasy and fulfillment when doing it. I love the taste of pussy, the feel, the look of it. It is really my thing.
"I held her thighs with my hands and let my mouth do the work-my tongue slid up her, tongue-fucking her, till I thought my head would pop, and I nibbled with my teeth and caressed her cunt lips with my lips. Her pussy was hot and mushy, creamy, inviting, I sucked all the juice out of it and put in some of my own. And I moved my hips on the bed, sinking my cock into the covers.
"Alberto shouted and told me to watch-I looked up from her pussy to see his cock shoot come all over her body. Some of it landed just above her pubic hair and I quickly licked it up and went back to the warmth of her pussy. She sucked his balls through it all, and only released them after she had come ...
"I sucked and sucked, and fucked her as hard as I possibly could with my tongue. She undulated and Alberto told me she was coming. She couldn't talk because her mouth was filled with his heavy scrotum, but she sure moaned a hell of a lot!
"He was right. She kicked her legs into the air and pushed my face deeper into her pussy with her hands. I felt her body shudder and shake, and then there was a gush that both startled and pleased me. I had brought her to orgasm on my very first try. I was very proud of myself.
"And just as she didn't release my cock from her mouth till I was all done coming, I kept my mouth glued to her cunt till she was again relaxed. Alberto pulled his balls from her mouth and lay down next to her. Then I came up for air and wiped the wetness from my face. My cock stood straight up between my legs, and I knew something had to be done about it fast!
"She leaned over and took it in her mouth. Alberto helped by playing with my balls and my asshole and soon I was near orgasm. This time she was rougher, sliding her teeth along the shaft, which only excited me more. I could still taste the creamy cunt fluid in my mouth and I wanted to fill her body with my liquid.
"I came in one long gush. Her cheeks swelled from the force of the load, and Alberto shouted, getting turned on while watching our performance, and she kept my cock in her mouth till it had not only poured out all its juices, but had softened as well. It was going to be quite a learning experience.
"'I learned fast and I practiced what I learned. In the next two years I sucked just about every girl in Italy, including a few older women who were every bit as exciting as the young ones. Alberto and I remained pals, and we fucked and sucked our way across all of Europe one summer, just before I came to the United States.
"Oh yes, I came to the U.S. Directly to Cicero, Illinois, where the family was and still is. And I am here too. Chicago isn't bad, but there is a morality that exists here in the Midwest that doesn't mix well with my ideas on sexuality. I had a rough time finding girls who would even let me feel their cunts, much less touch them. For the first year here, I almost had no sex at all. I masturbated myself silly, dreaming of eating all the cunts who were around me, but never within reach."
Although Frieda was an American Negress and Tony is an Italian, they both suffer from a similar perversion, an intense oral fixation. But Tony's disposition is more complex. Voyeurism, traces of homosexuality, ejaculatio praecox (premature emission), and a near total misconception of the feminine sexual physiological functions comprise his case history.
Tony's first real sexual encounter occurred when he watched his friend Alberto and Alberto's lover engaged in oral-genital relations. Tony was secreted behind the closet door, occupied in genital masturbation, as he watched.
The instinct of scopophilia-voyeurism/exhibitionism-is a component of the total erotic composition in every individual. Like the other components-sadism/masochism-it-was a passive and active aim. Opposing sexual forces are always present simultaneously. In other words, anyone who is a voyeur is at the same time an exhibitionist. Looking and showing are preparatory acts which many normal people linger over during the attainment of the sexual goal. But the pleasure becomes perverse only when it supplants the normal sexual aim instead of augmenting it.
The forces which oppose scopophilia are shame and disgust; shame inhibits exhibiting, and disgust counters looking. These forces are set up as resistances to any sexual impulses and act as guides for sexual development, restraining it within the cultural norm. They develop in the normal individual before the sexual instinct has reached its full strength, and from this point they more or less determine the course of erotic evolution. When the sexual instinct wins in its struggle against these resistive, factors (shame and disgust) a situation which modern psychology designates as perverse, the individual is at the mercy of his libido-at least in reference to this one lust.
When the sex drive remains attached to immature phases of erotic development and fails to be subordinated to coitus, it is probably the result of a fixating experience. These experiences can be the outcome-of either an internal or external trauma-that is, an imagined or real experience-caused by seduction, observation of parents having intercourse, or the threat of castration. These are the primal scenes.
If Tony had been a child when he witnessed Alberto and Alberto's lover engaged in oral-genital intercourse, it would have been a very traumatic event for him. But Tony was already seventeen years of age when the incident occurred. Therefore, Tony's predisposition to voyeurism was probably determined by an earlier experience, which placed him passively in a position which he has been actively repeating ever since.
But as mentioned before, voyeurism is only a part of Tony's sexual disposition. Traces of homosexuality are also to be found in Tony's case. Tony became so excited when he watched Alberto masturbate that he eagerly consumed Alberto's semen. In this instance, Tony's resistance of disgust was overruled by his libido. This occurred similarly when Tony witnessed his aunt urinating and was compelled to consume some of her urine. At this point it would be easy to assume that the absence of disgust in Tony's character is the prime factor in his perversions. And no doubt it is a major factor. However, I am led to another conclusion. Tony is completely ignorant of female sexuality. He thinks that women ejaculate externally the same as men. In this way he gives himself away. He fantasizes that he sees the male genital on his women, imagining that they are ejaculating externally. And in his imagination he is exhibiting a strong sign of overt bisexuality.
In a contribution to the study of inversion, regarding a memory from the childhood of Leonardo da Vinci, Freud writes:
There was once a time when the male genital was found incompatible with the picture of the mother. When a male child first turns his curiosity to the riddles of sexual life, he is dominated by his interest in his own genital. He finds that part of his body too valuable and too important for him to be able to believe that it could be missing in other people whom he feels he resembles so much. This preconception is so firmly planted in the youthful investigator that it is not destroyed even when he first observes the genitals of little girls.
And so little boys begin to imagine that women have smaller penises. that will grow in time. When the little boy grows up and sees with his own eyes that this is not true, fear strikes him. He deduces, that girls have been punished and had their penises cut off leaving a wound. Many times he has been threatened with' castration for masturbating. He is now convinced that this could really be true and becomes frightened for his masculinity. And at the same time he will despise the unhappy creatures on whom the cruel punishment, as he supposed, has already fallen.
Thus Tony, in reaction to his castration fears, refuses to notice true feminine sexuality. He is forced to deny that beings, so similar to him, lack a penis because this implies the horror of castration.
It was determined earlier that Tony's fixation upon voyeurism was caused by a childhood trauma, real or imagined. We have every reason to believe that this was caused by desires brought on by thoughts of his parents having intercourse. To a child, seeing and doing are the same thing. Therefore Tony's voyeuristic fixation was related to his desire for his mother. Freud tells us that the desire for incest always evokes fear of castration. Therefore, like the little boy Freud described, he is compelled to imagine that women have penises in order to overcome his fear of castration.
The only portion of Tony's perversion which is left to be examined is his tendency toward premature emission. This again reflects his attitude towards women. By depriving his women of sexual pleasure he is expressing his aggression and hostility, which are ultimately the result of his fear of castration.
"I've been here two and a half years. When I first got here, I was unaccustomed to the ways of this country, and I spoke almost no English at all. Now I'm a regular American, and I walk and talk like it and I still live in Cicero with my aunt and uncle.
"I must tell you about my aunt-I call her Madge-because she has played an important role in my life. And in my sexual life as well.
"When I first got here, as I said earlier, I almost had no sex whatsoever-I didn't know anyone and didn't know how to find girls the way we did' in Italy. And of the women I knew were either married or well-protected by their parents. So what was I to do? I fell asleep with an erection each night, and woke the same way in the morning. My thoughts were constantly on sex-especially oral sex.
"Once, after an English class at night, I met a girl. She was not the best looking broad in the world, but after starvation, who cares? I came on to her very strong, and she didn't resist-she was feeling my cock as soon as we started kissing. We went to her apartment-a dingy little place I remember-and took off our clothes. It had been months since I had touched another person, and I was dying for it.
"But she wouldn't do-anything! I started sucking her tits, but she pushed me away. 'Fuck me, honey!' she said.
"OK, I would fuck her, but after a little sucking first; Man, she had a big juicy pussy and I was ready to sink my mouth into it.
"'Let me kiss you all over first ... ' I mumbled as I tried desperately to move my face to her cunt.
"'I wanna get fucked, so fuck me l' she said, pulling my head up. 'I don't' go for none of that mouth stuff.' She wasn't the brightest woman in the world either.
"So I fucked her and blew my rocks off almost the minute I entered her. She was pissed about that and told me to get out. Christ, my cock was still dripping when I went out the door. I did make the mistake of leaving my name and phone number-I had given that to her before we went to bed-and I didn't hear from her again until almost two months later.
"I was eating supper with my aunt and uncle, when the telephone rang. My aunt answered and her face turned purple in a moment. She started shouting in Italian, so I thought it was a neighbor or someone who was calling ...
"It's a long story, and I won't bore you, but the caller turned out to be the slut I fucked that night, saying that I had made her pregnant! Of course, I hadn't. She had been with hundreds of guys in the past months-how the hell could she tell? I guess I was the only one stupid enough to give her my name and number. Well, it all blew over when my uncle warned her that the Mafiosi would put her at the bottom of the Chicago River if she didn't forget she even knew me.
"What's important is that incident was the key to opening up a new relationship with my aunt, because we began to discuss sex after that.
"My aunt came into my room late one night after my uncle had gone to sleep. She was wearing her nightgown, and I was struck how different she looked-it was the fact that she had her hair down for a change, I had always seen it piled up on her head. I sat up in bed.
"'Tony, are you asleep?' she whispered.
"'No, Madge. Come in.'
"She turned on the little light on my dresser and sat on the bed next to me. Her eyes were a deep brown in the little light and her face seemed soft, almost very young. I realized what a beautiful woman she was-I guess it was something I hadn't thought about before because she was related to me. I was horny as hell and I knew I didn't dare lift the covers or she'd see my erection.
"'Tony, can we be very honest with each other?' she asked smiling.
"'Sure, yeah, aren't we always?' I wondered what the hell she wanted to talk about.
"'That phone call, ever since then I've been worried about you.' She turned her head away.
"Worried? What the hell did she mean? 'There's nothing to worry about,' I said.
"'What I mean is I suddenly realized you're a grown boy-a young man-and I'm afraid we're not providing the right kind of environment. I mean, you must be very frustrated here, with so few girls around, so few outlets for ... '
"'I'm doing okay,' I lied. I knew this was hard for her, and it was hard for me to listen to it. 'It's not so bad being frustrated,' I said for the hell of it.
"That did it! She turned her head and looked me square in the eyes. 'It's the worst thing-in the world, she said, almost sadly.
"I blurted out, 'A beautiful woman like you can't be frustrated!'
"'Tony, do you really think I'm beautiful?' she asked, putting her hand on my thigh.
"Madge, don't move your hand an inch or you'll make me come! I thought. My head was spinning.
'Yes, of course, you're beautiful,' I told her, shaking.
"'No one has said that to me in years. I'll tell you a litlle secret, Tony. Your uncle and I love each other and we do make love, but there are more things two people can do with each other ..."
"'Yes, Tony, that's why I'm frustrated. And I wanted to tell you-I'm' embarrassed-I hope you won't take the chance Of making a girl pregnant there are methods, or there are other things to do ... '
"She was a wreck by now; she hardly knew what she was saying. Her hand was growing hot on my thigh and my cock was swollen stiff about two inches from her. I think she could see it sticking up under the covers, but I wasn't sure.
"There was .sex in the air-there had been from the moment she entered the room. It was blowing my mind: man, she was my aunt, my mother's sister! Her husband was sleeping in the room down the hall! She was in her thirties! Everything told me what I was thinking and hoping was wrong, but still an unnatural force drove me, through my powers of sexuality, to desire this woman more than I had desired anyone in my life.
"'I should go, Tony. I'm sorry-I didn't know what I wanted to say, really. I just wanted to talk to you.' She paused for a moment, 'and then bent down and kissed me on the forehead. She lingered there for a moment-her breasts just touching my chest-and then stood up and said goodnight. I couldn't respond-I was having a heart attack!
"She walked to the dresser and turned out the light. Everything inside me was calling her back to the bed, begging her not to leave! She walked to the door and opened it-the light from the hall filled the room and I saw the outline of her body standing in the door-and then the door closed. But she was on the inside!
The room was pitch black, but I could here her breathing, her small steps as she neared the bed. I put out my hand-what for exactly, I didn't know-and soon I felt soft material. I was rubbing her thigh and knee. I could feel her spreading her legs. Then she lifted her nightgown slowly up over her waist and I gently moved my hand between her legs and brought it up to her wet warm pussy.
"I eased the lips apart with my fingers and pushed my knuckle up into her, just enough to send a sensation of pleasure through us both. Her cunt lips seemed to bite my finger, holding onto it, sucking it. She moved closer to the bed and I withdrew my finger.
"Then she stood there, directly next to me, and held her gown up while I moved my lips to her beautiful womanly cunt. I held tight to her buttocks as I eased my face between her legs, smelling, tasting, loving-it was an incredible moment! Never before had a cunt been so alive, so fresh, so strong for me. The lips had a power of their own! The hairs smelled like beautiful flowers! I was going crazy-I felt like a poet!
"I put my lips on her pussy and worked my tongue up her. I hadn't had my tongue up a cunt in so long I had almost forgotten what it was like. But I soon remembered. My tongue slid in there, feeling the hot walls caressing it. I moved it back and forth, in and out, up into her as far as I could get it to go, and then I brought my hands around and held her pussy apart so I could suck the hell out of her clit.
"I found the hard little nub and bit it lightly, flicking again and again with my tongue until she gasped and nearly fell over. I couldn't stay in that position any longer-my neck was breaking. I fell back to my pillows and took a deep breath.
"In a second she pulled the nightgown over her head and was totally naked. I could make out the lines of her body in the little light that was coming in the window. She had exquisite breasts and nice, rounded hips. She knelt on the bed, next to my head, and ran her fingers over my lips again and again. Then I sucked them into my mouth and licked them and bit them as she moved her hand around and found my cock under the blanket. She pulled it out and held it tight, around the tip. I was so excited I had to really think about not coming!
"Then she moved directly' over my face, spreading her cunt above me. I looked up to see the darkness of the lips coming down toward my mouth. I parted my lips and put my tongue out, ready to receive. All this time she kept a hold on my cock.
"Then, as her pussy hit my face and rammed itself down onto my tongue, she let her body fan flat against mine and took my cock down her throat! No nibbling, no kissing, no touching with her tongue first-she just sucked it into her as far as it would go, down to the root. Then her mouth seemed to fill with saliva and in a second, as I began tongue-fucking her cunt again, she started really giving me a blow job I'll never forget.
"As I kissed and licked and sucked on her pussy, she was doing the same to me. She held my balls tight with one hand, while the other one grasped my cock around its base, to hold it straight up so her lips could slide along it easily.
"Then she moaned and pressed her pussy as hard against my face as she could. I held her ass cheeks with my hands, forcing my fingers between them, rubbing at the opening to her anus. I felt her body shake and for a moment she stopped sucking, holding my cock deep in her mouth, as her orgasm came. My face was flooded with her womanly fluids and I kept right on sucking till it was over-and I thought it would never stop! She came and came and shook all over. I was afraid my uncle would hear it-we were making an awful lot of noise, and the damn bed was squeaking!
"When she recovered a bit, she started sucking on my cock again. Her pussy was still plastered against my face and I sucked harder and harder, feeling my own orgasm coming to a peak. I shuddered as my balls swelled. Then it came-a great hot load, into my beautiful aunt's face. She sucked every drop of come out of me and wouldn't let go of my prick till it was soft. It was too much to believe, too good to be true. I didn't even hope it would happen again.
"She got up from the bed-still without a word and put her nightgown back on. Then she sat on the bed next to me and bent down and kissed the tip of my cock. I brushed my hand through her soft long hair, and she stood up and left the room.
"Talk about a mind-blower! I wasn't even eighteen years old, I was in America, I could hardly speak English, and I had just made oral love to my aunt! I didn't sleep a wink that night-I wonder if she did?
"It was hard to look her in the eye the next day, but she seemed very at ease with the situation. I told myself, convinced myself, that it was one of those things that happened once in a lifetime, and that it was over.
"But that very night, again after my uncle was snoring, she crept into my room. She didn't say anything this time, but clicked on the dresser light. I guess she wanted to see my cock in the light-she walked to the bed and pulled back the covers, exposing my naked body. She smiled when she saw that I already had an erection. She sat on the bed and took it in her lips, just as she had the night before, playing with my balls with her hands. I just lay there stunned into a fantastic sensual dream, and I came easily, again into her mouth. My come was so plentiful that some of it dribbled down her chin. When it was over she stood up and blew me a kiss, and left the room. Wow!
"The next night, I was ready for her. I had showered and shaved, and positioned myself into a real sexy position on the bed-naked, sitting up against the headboard, my hand on my hard cock, one finger down playing with my asshole. I heard footsteps and a light knock on the door. Without thinking I said, 'Come in.'
"The next thing I knew, my uncle was standing there staring at me like I had just murdered somebody! I was so fucking embarrassed. I felt like I wanted to die. He gave me this long lecture on how bad masturbation was for me, and how I should be out fucking girls. I listened politely, said good-night, and then beat off as soon as he left. I thought about Madge, but I was disappointed she didn't come to my room.
"She didn't show up for almost four days, and I wondered why. I realized later she was having her period at that time, but I didn't realize it then. One afternoon, however, I came home and found her in the kitchen mixing a cake batter. I said hello, asked her if anyone was home, and she said no, she was alone. I stuck my finger in the batter and tasted it. She smiled at me and put her hands between my legs. I couldn't believe it.
"Right there, in the damn kitchen at three in the afternoon, she got on her knees and pulled my cock out of my pants! It got hard as soon as she put her thick lips on it and I went back and held onto the table as she worked up and down it with her perfect teeth and saliva. Then she released it and stood up, grabbed the bowl of batter, and held it under my cock.
"'I'm gonna make you come in it, Tony. That way we'll all be eating you without knowing it, at supper,' she said. She was nuts! And I loved it! The whole idea excited me tremendously. She held the bowl in both hands as I worked my hand up and down my cock a few times and then shot my load into the fucking cake batter ...
"Things like that went on for days-I remember trying to keep a straight face when my uncle said it was one of the best cakes she had ever made-and we did crazy things like sucking each other in the garage after we returned from grocery shopping. Once I went into the bathroom when she was sitting on the toilet and knelt down and watched her pee. She spread her .legs and when she finished I licked the few drops of urine off her pussy lips and then sucked her till she came.' It was crazy-I'd do anything, and so would she.
"Finally, one night, after we had sucked each other's assholes for awhile, we became serious. Madge started crying and I didn't know what was wrong. Why had we been always in a hurry to have oral sex at strange times, in weird places, without any kissing or hugging or such? She finally admitted she was falling in love with me. And I knew I was in love with her! We had been afraid to admit it, and when we had we felt so much more secure and even more attracted to each other.
"We kissed on the lips for the first time, and our tongues moved together in a fury of passion. Our bodies no longer seemed like sexual object, they were love objects. And sex took on an entire new feeling, a new quality, a new excitement.
"'Tony, I love you more than anything in the world!'
"'More than my cock?' I asked, jokingly.
"'Well, maybe not that much.' She moved her head down between my legs and sucked my balls into her mouth. I masturbated till I came-the come fell down my organ and dripped all over her face. Then I kissed her and my come spread all over our faces until I buried my bead between her legs. Then her juices cleansed me and my own juice mixed with her wetness as I tongue-fucked her cunt.
"We fucked the next day. It was nice, but it wasn't nearly as exciting as our oral copulation. She could get my uncle to fuck her anytime she wanted, so she didn't have to turn to me for that. But it was love and oral satisfaction she received from me, and I felt damn good about it. I was finally happy myself, finally satisfied with sex, and it hasn't ended yet.
"My uncle has never found out. I sometimes think he knows, but if he does he doesn't care. I date other girls, and I suppose one day I'll meet one I love and will want to marry. But Madge is all there is right now, Madge and' her beautiful pussy and asshole. My mouth was made to make love to my aunt, I really believe that.
"And hers was made to suck my cock. I swear, she sucks me so hard and so often, I think my penis has grown an inch or two since we started playing around.
"I've told a few of my friends about her, about our relationship, and every-single one was horrified. They tell me it's sick, it's unnatural, it's wrong. Bullshit! Who's to say it's wrong? It doesn't make us sick. It seems like the most natural thing in the world. So where does anyone get off condemning me for it?
"That's what's wrong with this world, with this country, with people! They still hold on to the Victorian ideals, to the things the good nuns and priests taught them, to the words of their grandparents. Man, this is a new age, whether here in Cicero or in Italy, and if more people could be like my aunt and me, things would be a lot more peaceful. Agree? I hope so."
The prognosis for Tony is not very favorable. Tony has lost all feelings of shame and disgust that are designed to moderate oral sexuality. Not that oral sex is shameful or disgusting. It is a pleasant adjunct to coitus. Only when oral sex consumes the entire sexual life is it a perversion.
There can be no ethnic difference between individuals who are at this low stage of development, for culture is built upon the repression of what individuals like Tony refuse to renounce.
Chapter 3
Mai-Lin
"My name is Mai-Lin, and you have no doubt seen my face in magazines and fashion journals. Yes, I'm a very successful model, and right now I'm at the height of my career. It is all so wonderful, so exciting, because I have a great deal of money and people recognize me on the street, and I've been asked to test for an upcoming film in Hollywood. But I'm missing something, something I need and want so very badly. I'm missing a man to love me.
"Oh yes, I have many men to share my bed, to make love to me. But I don't have love, a man who is willing to give me everything. Lately I've been feeling terribly depressed, and so very lonely. I am not frustrated sexually, for I have a great sexual need and I satisfy it. But I am frustrated for the emotional, the inner feelings of loving and caring, and this is why I have decided to talk to you, hoping you will be able to give me advice.
"I will go back to the beginning, I will tell you about my love life, for I feel my particular desires in sex have something to do with the reason no man stays with me. I'm inclined to oral sex only, although I will gladly submit to 'normal' intercourse if the man wants it badly, and I think this scares many away.
"I was born and raised in Chinatown, in San Francisco. We were very poor and lived in what we would now call a commune-many poor people sharing the same house and cooking. My father was a merchant, and very opposed to the 'Americanization' of our family-this reminds me of the musical, Flower Drum Song, which I saw so many years ago-but there was nothing he could do. We were young Americans now, and we were becoming attuned to the ways of the world. San Francisco was a good place to begin a sexual education.
"It wasn't often that we were able to leave the small section of the city that was Chinatown, but that didn't matter, for there were always many tourists walking up and down Grant Avenue, peering into the shops, eating in our little restaurants. Handsome young men would look at me, and at my sisters and friends. We liked it, and we learned how to be sexy, how to tease. It was quite an education, really.
My mother was an incredible woman. My beauty comes from her-she was exquisite in every way. Tall, slender, dark and soft-spoken, she was the perfect wife and mother. She had four children, and I am the youngest, the baby. But as soon as I was old enough to understand, she taught me about sex and impressed one thing on my mind-that I was always to make my man happy. I knew it was my duty, as a woman, to give a man pleasure in every way. And one of those ways, she told me, was with my mouth.
"One day when I was fifteen years old, after I had returned home from school, my mother gave me' a very graphic lecture about oral sex. I understood everything she was saying, but I wanted more; I wanted to see the act, to watch it carefully, and then to perform it myself. I told her my desires and she said, in best Chinese tradition, 'Be patient, little flower, the time shall come and with it will be your man.'
"That night was one I shall never forget. I was talking with my sisters about what my mother had told me, and I told them also of my desires to see the oral act performed. My oldest sister began to giggle and we knew she had a' secret she had' not yet shared with us.
"'What is it?' I asked. She didn't reply. She just laughed and brought her fingers to her mouth. After great prodding, she finally spoke up.
"'You know the young man, Kim Sing, who works at the laundry across the street?' she asked.
"I knew him well, we all knew him well. 'He is very good-looking,' I said. My sister agreed, and then my oldest sister told us the secret:
"'One day I took a short cut through the alley be hind the laundry, just at closing time or a bit after. I was walking slowly because I had bundles in my arms. I heard a noise, a moan, coming from the window of the laundry room. I thought perhaps someone was hurt, so I stopped and walked up to the window, quietly-I suddenly thought perhaps someone was making love, and I would be embarrassed to come upon them. What happened was almost worse!'
"I didn't understand. 'What do you mean?' I asked, my eyes wide.
"'Kim Sing was in the laundry room, and it was quite dark except for one area where he was kneeling.'
"'Kneeling ?' my older sister asked in surprise.
"'Yes, he was kneeling, and another boy was standing in front of him.' My sister blushed and turned her head. 'Kim Sing was performing oral love on this boy, in the corner of the empty laundry room.'
"I could hardly believe it. I looked at my sisters, and we all began giggling in a very girlish manner. I wanted to know more. 'Did you see it all? What happened? He was actually doing this to another man?'
"'Yes, Mai-Lin, he was doing it to another boy, about his age, only he was an American. I have seen him many times-he drives a delivery truck to the laundry.'
"I remembered now-yes, I had seen the boy who drives the truck! He was very handsome. I nodded my head and my sister continued.
"'Kim Sing was on his knees and the boy's penis was in his mouth. It was huge and thick, but Kim Sing put all of it in his mouth. I don't know where it went! And the boy was feeling great pleasure; I could see it on his face. His pants were down around his knees, and Kim Sing rubbed his testicles and his thighs as his mouth sucked on his penis. I was very excited just watching, and I knelt in the shadows of the building until it was over.'
"'Did Kim Sing take his orgasm in his mouth, as mother has told us to do?' my other sister asked.
"'He certainly did. The boy grabbed Kim Sing's hair, and pulled it, and shouted when it happened, and Kim Sing worked harder than ever to swallow every bit of his semen. I felt hot between my legs at that moment! I thought if only I could be doing it instead of Kim Sing!'
"'Hmmmmm ... ' I mumbled, 'I'll bet the delivery boy would like a woman to do it, but he can't find anyone, or perhaps he's shy.' I don't know why I said that; I guess it was instinctive. We didn't discuss it any longer that night, and the next day all three of us went over to the laundry to see if we could catch a glimpse of the strange act that had excited us so-but Kim Sing only locked the doors and went home.
"It was a week later when I figured out that the delivery boy only arrived on Tuesday and Thursday, and the next Tuesday we hid in the alley until it was time for the laundry to close. The delivery boy did not leave at the regular time, so we knew we were in for a treat.
"We were very lucky. Kim Sing knelt on the floor of the big laundry room and the other boy opened his pants. But before he could pull them down, he suggested they move near the window, where some laundry bags were piled on the floor, so Kim Sing could kneel on them.
"They were only a few feet from us, and we watched in fearful and excited expectation of the scene. The delivery boy pulled his pants to his knees, and then his undershorts. His penis was half-hard already, and Kim Sing smiled and took it into his mouth. He only sucked on it for a few minutes, and suddenly it was hard as a rock and about ten inches long! Then he took it from his mouth and started licking at the boy's testicles and rubbing his fingers down the crack of his ass. They had their profiles to us and we were breathing heavily on the window pane.
"Kim Sing took the boy's penis in one hand and held it in front of his face as he started sucking in swift, regular movements, back and forth, as mother had instructed. I was amazed at the expression of pleasure on the delivery boy's face-he was in heaven! He undulated his body and moved his hips back and forth, driving his long, hard penis deep into Kim Sing's young throat. I pictured myself in Kim Sing's position, and I trembled in pleasure. Then Kim Sing took his own penis out of his pants and started beating it up and down swiftly.
"In a few moments, the delivery boy was sweating, and. he looked as if he were about to pass out. He shoved his penis in and out of Kim Sing's mouth so fast, it was nothing but a long blur of flesh. Kim Sing's hand moved the same way on his penis, and all of a sudden white spurts of fluid shot from the swollen tip and his hand stopped moving. His cream gushed from the tip as his face still moved back and forth on the boy's hard organ. At that moment I couldn't resist the temptation to place my hand on my vagina-and I did, lifting my skirt just high enough to do so.
"The boy moaned out loud and his body stiffened. His eyes flashed and he looked down to see Kim. Sing sliding his lips along his penis, holding his ass cheeks with his strong hands. Then he shoved forward and grabbed Kim Sing's hair. At that moment, the exact second his orgasm hit, he turned to the window and his face lit up. in surprise at discovering his audience, as well as from the excitement he was experiencing in his loins. My sisters were horrified to have been caught, and they jumped up and ran out of the alley so fast you would have thought someone was trying to kill them.
"I stayed and I. watched. I don't know how I had the strength to do that, but I wasn't about to let the moment go for anything. The delivery boy looked straight into my eyes as he pumped his load into Kim Sing's mouth. I watched as a river of semen dribbled down Kim Sing's chin and fell to his soft penis, which was still sticking out of his pants. Kim Sing never saw me, but the delivery boy remembered me well, as I was to find out. When the boy pulled his penis from Kim Sing's mouth, I watched for just another moment until Kim Sing licked the last few drops of moisture from the huge organ, and then ran down the alley to join my sisters at home ...
"A week later, the following Tuesday, I was waiting outside the laundry when the delivery truck arrived. The boy was surprised to see me, and happy too, for he smiled. He walked by me and stared at me, without a word. I guess he didn't know what to say to a young Chinese girl who had watched him in a homosexual act the week before.
"I went to the alley and at closing time, I crept to the window. I saw the delivery boy enter the room and Kim Sing signed some papers for him. Then they had a short discussion:
"'Do you have time to stay?' Kim Sing asked, placing his hand on the boy's crotch.
"'No, not today, although I am really horny. Maybe Thursday.' Kim Sing looked very disappointed, but he didn't pursue the matter. He smiled at the boy and they disappeared through the front of the store.
"I left the alley, disappointed that I wouldn't be able to view the scene which had excited me so, and in a moment I found myself walking next to the delivery truck. The boy was in the driver's seat and he was staring at me. I stopped-wondering for a moment if he may have planned it this way, if this was why he had refused Kim Sing-and then stood staring into his big blue eyes.
"I thought I had fallen in love-it was all so new and exciting. He asked me to sit in the truck with him, and I did so, and in a moment we drove into the deserted alley and parked. No one could see us, but we went into the back of the enclosed truck just in case someone should wander by.
"His name was Joe, and he told me the most exciting moment of his sexual life had been seeing me watching him at the moment of his orgasm. He told me he had thought about it-relived it-ever since.
"Mai-Lin, I want to do whatever you want. I know you are a virgin, and I will not take advantage of you ... '
"I stopped him by placing my fingers lightly on his lips. Then I bent my head forward and kissed him, the first kiss that ever held any meaning for me. This was to be my first sexual experience and it would be something I would never forget.
"'I should like to do what Kim Sing does, because I know it gives you such joy. It is my desire to make you happy.'
"'Oh, Mai-Lin, you make me happy just being here with me.' He eased himself into a position where I could place my hands between his legs, which I did. I felt the warm hardness of his organ and I trembled at the thought of actually touching it, holding it with my hand and my lips.
"'You don't have to do this,' he said to me in a gentle tone, but I assured him it was what I wanted. So he lay back and closed his eyes and said, 'I always heard Chinese were good at this-Kim Sing was good-but I know you'll be better. I've never had a Chinese girl before, and American girls don't know how to suck at all. That's why I go to Kim Sing.'
"I listened with one ear only. The rest of me was tuned in to his thoughts, to his electricity, to his sexuality. He was an extremely handsome boy, rugged, dark. He wore jeans and a shirt that exposed a very hairy 'chest. I unbuttoned it all the way' arid he took it off. Then he opened the belt on his jeans and undid the zipper. I did the rest.
"I opened the flap of his pants and saw his white undershorts staring at me. I rubbed my finger over them and saw the darkness of his pubic hair at the elastic band. Then as he lifted his ass, I tugged on his pants till they came down around his thighs. I don't know what I was thinking about at the time my head was spinning! It didn't seem to matter that he wasn't touching me, or kissing me, or whispering words of love in my ear. All I wanted to do or think about was performing the act of oral love that had been so firmly etched in my mind for so long.
"I saw the outline of his penis through his white shorts. I reached out and rubbed it with my fingertips, and it sent a chill up my spine. It seemed to lengthen and grow even stiffer under the caressing tips of my fingers. I had to see it, to put my hands around it and hold it there in my palm.
"I pulled his shorts down to his thighs and his penis flopped out. It was larger than I remembered, larger than I could believe. I had never seen a man's organ so close, not even in pictures. I was amazed at the size of the head, how dark red and rounded it was, like a helmet capping a beautiful soldier.
"The shaft was so long and thick! I touched it lightly and was amazed that the skin was so smooth. The organ was so rigid and hard, and yet the skin was soft to the touch. It was incongruous, and even more intriguing. I looked at the heavy testicles between his closed legs. They were covered with dark hair and were very full and heavy. I brushed them lightly also and watched them move in excitement.
"'Mai-Lin, let me take my pants off. You've really got me going ... '
"He slipped his pants off and I watched as he spread his naked legs on the floor of the trick. His scrotum hung low between his legs and his penis reached far up his taut belly. I knelt between his legs and placed both of my hands around the thick shaft of his organ. I whispered a short prayer that I might be good, that I might please him, that I might do well.
"Then I pulled his penis from his belly and pointed it toward me. I saw the little slit in the tip looking at me, with a drop of 'pearly white liquid sitting there waiting for my lips. I bent my head down and my hair brushed his thighs and testicles, and then flicked my tongue out over the rounded swollen tip of his penis, and took the drop of white into my mouth. He groaned as he watched in fascination.
"I kissed his penis and let it fall back to his belly. Then I stroked it with one hand and rubbed his testicles with my other. He groaned again and mumbled, 'Oh, Mai-Lin, take my cock. Please, beautiful baby, take my cock in your mouth ... '
"Mother had always used medical terms with us, and when I talked of sex with my sisters we often used those terms, only using the vernacular on occasions when we wanted to giggle or feel very decadent. But now, hearing him call his organ his 'cock,' I was very excited and wanted to say it myself. I did.
"'Joe, I love your cock, your big cock!' I said, like a baby saying her first words. It excited him. He moved his hips on the floor of the truck and moaned again. 'I want to suck your big cock and feel your balls,' I said, feeling very daring now.
"'Mai-Lin baby, yes, suck my cock till I fill your mouth with come! Grab my balls! Hard! Hold them tight!' I grabbed his balls and squeezed them. He liked it and his cock rose another inch, or so it seemed. I was going crazy now-I had to take it into my lips!
"I grabbed the base with my right hand, still keeping my left on his balls, and lifted it to point at my face again. Then I opened my lips-I was shaking, trembling with the fear that I would bite it or hurt him or be less than he was expecting (and I wanted to be better than Kim Sing!)-and took it. I clamped my lips around the huge head and let my tongue slide over the slit in the tip. I'm sure I tasted another drop of his semen again. I held there, with my eyes open, looking up at his face, seeing the exquisite look of pleasure there-I knew I was doing' well.
"I pushed my lips farther down, moving slowly till the tip hit the back of my throat. I gagged a bit, but soon learned how to take it there without any trouble.
"'That's it, baby, just slide up and down, hold it with your hand and suck it, honey, suck it, suck it good ... '
"I sucked with all my might. I felt my tongue crawling along the shaft and then the head floating almost scraping-across the roof of my mouth. My hands worked themselves around the base and his balls, exciting him all the more. He sighed and banged his feet on the floor and muffled shouts of pleasure.
I was putting him in rapture, and the more I heard him groan in excitement, the more I worked on his cock. I was doing well and it was only my first time. I was very pleased.
"I began sweating-I thought of Kim Sing sweating' just before Joe reached orgasm in his mouth and this only drove me to work harder. I was obsessed with the feeling of his manhood in my mouth. I felt the ridge under the glans, the hardness of the shaft, the thickness near the base, the soft skin of the rubbery head. I held his balls in my hand and squeezed .as hard as I could, not afraid of hurting him, knowing he was liking it. I wanted him to reach his peak, to come in my mouth. I wondered what it would taste like? I wondered how much there would be? How hot would it be? How long would it last? Would I be able to swallow it?
"All of a sudden Joe lifted his feet in the air and slammed them down. Then his buttocks rose off the floor as he called out, 'Mai-Lin, I'm coming!'
"My mouth was filled with hot cream! My cheeks filled, forcing me to swollow. It was difficult because the head of his cock was deep in my throat and I was afraid I would swallow that too! But I did it, and as each spurt of come boiled out of the tip of his beautiful penis, I drank it down, never spilling a drop.
"I loved the taste, loved the feeling, loved the knowledge that I had brought a handsome young man to sexual orgasm the first time I tried. I knew then that I was born to perform fellatio on men, that it was the right thing for me. I wouldn't let go of his cock! I wanted it never to leave my mouth. Tears rose in my eyes when I finally had to release it, soft and gentle, from my clasping lips. I felt so wonderful when it was in there, and without it I missed something, and desired it again with all my might.
"I played with Joe's penis for a time, licking it, watching it curl and move and flop around on his hairy groin. I fell between his legs and I licked it and his balls at the same time, and then he turned over and spread his legs, pushing the tip of his cock down under his balls. I faced everything he had-his asshole, his cock and his balls. I didn't know if he wanted me to touch his asshole at first, but as soon as I licked his balls he said, "Go up a bit, yes, suck my ass for a minute ..."
"Another facet of excitement-his asshole-came into my world of sex. I licked his asshole and tried to stick my tongue up it, but it was too tight and the position was wrong. But his cock grew long again crawling along the floor, and I soon was sucking on the tip, licking it as it was captive there under his tremendous balls ...
"Then Joe moved up on his knees and his cock flipped under him and hung down between his legs. I started to move around him, to suck it from the front, but he stopped me. 'Mai-Lin, pull it under my nuts,' suck it from behind like you were doing!'
"But it will hurt, will it not?' I asked, concerned.
"'Yes, a bit, but that will be exciting! Please, pull it to face you and rub my asshole with your fingers. He spread his legs, anticipating. I grabbed his cock and pulled it down under the hanging sac and took it in my mouth. I moved my head back and forth in rhythm, and each time my nose struck his hairy balls. I brought one finger up and played with his asshole, but then I finally pushed Just the tip in. He groaned again, and I felt his cock stiffen even more. I knew he was going to come again.
"I grabbed his cock with my hand just as he started shooting arid pulled my head back a few inches so I could watch the come shoot out of him and 'catch it with my face. I wanted to bathe in his semen, so I let it hit my face-all over, my cheeks, forehead, my hair, my lips and nose-and I watched the tiny slit in his cock open and shut at least ten times as he spurted what was left of his love cream onto my face. As soon as it was over, he fell to the floor, and we both rested there for what seemed like a long long time ...
"And that's how it began. I sucked Joe off every Tuesday and Thursday for almost a year. Poor Kim Sing didn't know I was his competition, and he never figured out what had gone wrong. But my older sister told me he found more boys over the following months, so he was satisfied.'
"And so was I. I was participating in a sexual act which was often not talked about, often not discussed, often called strange and even abnormal, but it was the thing that gave me most pleasure, I never thought much about my own body, about my sexual needs, about intercourse and such. I masturbated, thinking of the cocks I had sucked, and for me this was very satisfying.
"But I had to grow up, and as I moved around the country and began to get my career in modeling going, I realized sex was not all there was to life. My friends fell in love and married, but I only found men to suck off in the night. And it is no different today.
"I'm afraid a lasting relationship cannot be built only on an oral relationship, that a marriage cannot have as its sexual base a completely oral interest. No man I have ever met .has been interested in me past a sex relationship, because I'm orally inclined. And this often makes me want to be otherwise, but I cannot lie forever, cannot fake things forever. I only wish I could."
Mai-Lin is a heterosexually inclined young woman, but she is evidently fixated at the oral stage of her psychosexual development.
Her mother's early instruction of her in the arts of pleasing men was quite unusual, even in a woman of Chinese ancestry. This, however, remained merely academic knowledge until, with the aid of her sisters, Mai-Lin was able to observe an act .of homosexual oral intercourse between a neighbor and a strange young Caucasian man. This aroused her sexually as well as arousing her curiosity, and she could hardly wait to tryout what she had already learned at first hand.
From this point in her life she became an ardent oralist. First she had an oral affair with the young Caucasian she had witnessed earlier. When this relationship ended, she met another young man with whom she had a sexual relationship. This young man, however, wanted "normal"-genital-to-genital-inter-course, but Mai-Lin found that she received little pleasure in the union of their genitals.
The first stage of psychological development is the oral-erotic phase. At this level, the infant's sexual and ego instincts are united. In other words, sexual pleasure issues from the labial zone, the same zone through which the infant receives its first nourishment.
Freud writes:
If an infant could speak, he would no doubt pronounce the act of sucking at his mother's breast by far the most important in his life. He is not far wrong in this, for in this single act, he is satisfying at once the two great vital needs. We are therefore not surprised to learn from psycho-analysis how much psychical importance the act retains all through life. Sucking at the mother's breast is the starting-point of the whole of sexual life, the unmatched prototype of every later sexual satisfaction, to which fantasy often recurs in times of need. This sucking involves making the mother's breast the first object of the sexual instinct.
During this phase when the instincts are fused, the infant does not recognize the breast (the primary object of both nourishment and sexuality) as an object. He believes it to be a part of his own body. From interuterine life, the child has received the prototype of self-sufficiency, where everything wished for was simultaneously provided. He carried this conception with him after birth, and only after much disappointment does he come to recognize first the breast and later the rest of the world, as objects external to himself. This revelation on the part of the child represents a transition from the autoerotic stage of ego development, when the instincts are fused, to that of object-love, when a separation is made between the instincts of the ego and the sexual instincts. When these instincts are "defuse?" both the aggressive ego instincts and the sexual instincts seek a fulfillment from objects in the external world.
The ego now directs the instincts of self-preservation towards the outside world, in which it attempts to find the gratification necessary to maintain its own existence. Freud terms this energetic standpoint of the ego "interest" when he discusses this point in his .introductory lectures on psychoanalysis.
The sexual instincts, in both men and women, find their first object in the external world in the person of the mother. The little girl remains attached to the mother until she is confronted with the "genital trauma." The genital trauma occurs from two situations. Firstly, there is a buildup of aggressions against the inhibiting forces of the external world which denies the child immediate satisfaction of all his desires. When the little boy encounters this situation, he discharges his aggressions through genital masturbation. The little girl, lacking an organ which can serve for such release, is forced to regress to the anal and oral phases of development until she experiences vaginal penetration. When, through observation, she becomes .aware that she lacks an organ that little boys have, she develops what has been termed by psychoanalysis "penis envy." This penis envy is the second element in the genital trauma. At this time, the little girl discredits her mother, blaming her for this loss, and transfers her libido to her father, unconsciously hoping to receive a child from him to compensate for the loss.
Since Mai-Lin's father plays an insignificant part In her development, she is forced to remain sexually attached to her mother. In her fear of the homosexual inclinations inherent in this situation she must defend against her own homosexuality. Freud, m The Ego and the Id, advises that the universal rule for giving up a love object is to identify with this love object. Mai-Lin has been forced into an intense identification with her mother. In this identification, she repeats all that her mother has taught her that is oral-eroticism.'
The consequences of this regression make it impossible for Mai-Lin to achieve coitus. In all her love relations, she is incapable of giving herself to her partner. She remains fixated at a stage where nutrition and sexuality were "fused" together. For Mai-Lin, the penis has become a symbolic substitute for the nipple.
Deprived of her father's love, Mai-Lin was never able to appreciate the family situation which is so important for later development. This is quite ironic, for before the great revolution in China, the family was the most important priority in life and, in the Chinese ethic, almost consumed the whole of the individual's existence.
If the dissolution of the family unit in China produces individuals like Mai-Lin, there will be no need to worry about Malthusian expansion in the future, as China's population will surely decrease.
"I developed my technique of modeling over the few years I have been in the business, and at the same time I have developed and refined my technique in cocksucking. I would say I am the greatest female oral expert in the world, but that is saying too much, I'm afraid. I do know I am as good as the best, for I have never displeased a man.
"A strange thing has happened to me lately. I have been enjoying a new wave of popularity since President Nixon visited China. You have recently seen me modeling all the new fashions with the Chinese influence, and I have been very proud to do so. At the same time my popularity as a person has increased and my sexual activity has never been more intense.
"I wonder if it has anything to do with my work. When I do not work for months, I do not find as great a need for sex. When I work like crazy, I need sex like crazy. And the more I want to find a man to love me, to settle down with me, the more I find myself inclined to be like a whore, to take any man available to service him, hoping he may be the right one, the' one who will love me forever ... but it never turns out that way.
"Just the other day I finished a long session of photographs with winter clothing. It was hot in the studio and I was sweating and I had a headache. The head photographer was a man I had wanted for a long time. The sight of him drove me insane with lust-and on this particular day he happened to be wearing tight blue jeans which were worn and faded. His cock was all but visible through the tight material and often during the session, when he stood above me on a ladder, or when he spread' his legs to get a good shot, I wanted to rip his pants off and take his cock into my mouth and suck him till he dropped!
"When the session was finished, I went into the dressing room and drank cold water and took a few Excedrin. There was a knock on the door and Phil entered-the photographer-dressed only in his jeans. No shoes, no shirt; no camera around his neck.
"'Mai-Lin, it's hotter than hell in here. I was just going to take a shower. I wanted to tell you you were terrific, honey. All the magazines will grab them up!' He sat down in a chair near me and put his head back.'
"'Fur coats under those lights, Phil. God, I'm ready to pop. I've been nervous all day.' I didn't know what to say or do. He just sat there, with his legs spread, showing me that outline of his big cock. I was going crazy underneath, dying to get my mouth on it. It was better than going home to an empty apartment!
"We sat there for a few minutes without saying a word, shy, afraid. Then I did an impulsive thing-I jumped up, fell to my knees and all but ripped the buttons off his fly. He said something, but I couldn't understand what it was. All I knew was his cock was getting harder by the second and he was helping me get his pants off his body. I worked it up with my hand for a moment and then sucked it all the way into my mouth. He shoved his hips forward and lifted his feet to the front of the chair, slouching. I worked on his cock so hard I don't think he knew what hit him.
"It was very thick, and not too long, so it fit just perfectly down my throat. I could get my lips to the base and swirl my tongue around in his pubic hair. I played with his balls and his asshole and he was almost in tears by the time he was ready to come.
"I sucked with firm, even, maddening strokes, stopping each time he got too excited. I wanted to work him up, work the semen up, hold it back till it was ready to burst like a volcano and then take it all in my mouth. Each time he was ready to come, I pulled my lips off it and watched the bit of sperm squeeze painfully out of the tip of his glans, and then I went back and worked him up again.
"Finally, he shot off. It was a beautiful load thick and very hot almost burning. He pushed my head to his crotch so hard my lips almost were cut by my teeth. He shot in long heavy spurts, with low agonizing groans. I felt good-not lonely any more, rather satisfied and full.
"All of a sudden the door opened. Jack the assistant stood there with his mouth open. In a moment his pants were also open and I was kneeling there, in the doorway, sucking his cock for all I was worth. He had a long slender penis, and I sucked. It with ease gently, lightly rubbing the tips of my finger's over the' bottom of his testicles. He spread his legs and bent forward and came easily without a sound, and then collapsed to the floor.
"While I was sucking Jack, another of the men who had worked on the session with us, an older man walked by and saw the amazing sight. He pulled out his cock and started beating off in the hall, but he hadn't come when Jack fen to the floor, so I opened my mouth-still dripping with Jack's semen and allowed the man to pump himself off into my waiting lips. Phil was hard again this time and he sat playing with himself as the older man came into my mouth.
"Phil got up and called the two other guys-young hippie types-who were in the studio and invited them to 'get sucked off by the most talented girl in the business'-and I don't quite know how he meant that! They walked in the rooom and couldn't believe their eyes-the star model is kneeling in the middle of the room, Phil is bare naked with a stiff cock in his hand and older man's penis is still dripping with come, Jack is sitting on the floor, his pants around his ankles ... They immediately took their pants off. No one allowed themselves to think or to question we were all very charged up and to think about it would have been to destroy it.
"I took the first kid's cock-which was rather small, but nicely formed-in my mouth and worked on his friend's with my hand. I felt Jack start rubbing my pussy lips under my skirt-,-I had no panties on-and Phil played with" my tits, rubbing them gently through the material of my robe. Soon they stripped me and covered my body with licks and kisses. This was exciting, but not nearly as exciting as the feel of the boy's cock in my mouth. He came easily, like Jack, and' stepped aside so his friend could have me. I opened my lips, and he stuffed it in-it was huge-and started fucking me in my face. He came with great shouts and shudders, which excited everyone even more.
"I asked them all to line up against the wall in the hallway. They obeyed, and I got on my knees again, and looked down the line. Their cocks were standing at attention and I was in ecstasy! Five male organs, all ready to come for the second time! I wanted them to choke me, to flood me, to give me their life-giving sperm! I needed them more than I had ever needed anything. I felt as if I were suddenly loved, as if I were suddenly not so alone.
"I sucked on Phil as the others watched. The hippie with the big cock came to help me, licking Phil's ass and rubbing his balls as I sucked. He was very cool and uninhibited, and when Phil came we moved to the next person,' who was the other hippie boy, and as I sucked his cock, his friend fucked him in the ass! I couldn't believe it, but it excited me because it was different and perverse and new for me. Each time the hippie with the big cock shoved it up his friend's asshole, the cock slammed into my throat. The older man stood next to me, beating his meat again, and came all over my naked shoulders.
"The hippie came, and his friend evidently came in his asshole, because he shouted in pleasure and then sort of collapsed on the floor with his friend. I went on to Jack, to his long slender cock, and sucked it passionately until he too came for a second time!
"I was drunk on come, dizzy from the beautiful white liquid! I lay back on the floor and Jack sucked my pussy while Phil licked my tits, but I didn't feel a thing. My head was still between all their legs and I started remembering Joe and the many Chinese boys I had sucked off in Chinatown before leaving San Francisco. From the alleys behind Grant Avenue to a photographer's studio on Fifth Avenue in New York City, I was doing the thing I knew best, sucking the male penis for all it was worth and all I was worth.'
"I'm nuts about it, nuts for it, and sometimes, lately, I'm beginning to think I'm really nuts. I have dreams of men beating me with their cocks, of them standing above me and slapping me across the face with their big hard organs. I see handsome young men dressed in blue jeans pulling out their cocks and pissing on me. I see Chinese men opening their pants to me, American men, all kinds of men. I dream of, cocks, big and small, circumcised and uncircumcised, hand and soft, filling my mouth. I'm obsessed to the point where I'm beginning to be afraid of myself.
"I met a guy-Paul-about five months ago. We dated, and I let him fuck me because I cared about him; I had fallen in love with him. When he wanted to fuck again the next night, I told him I would rather suck his cock, and then maybe the next night I .would let him fuck me again. I was sure I could win him over to my side, the oral side, if I had the time. But he refused. He wanted to fuck. So I let him fuck me, night after night, till I was sucking off the elevator boy in my building just to keep from going crazy! Soon I couldn't take it any more and we spent a night of nothing but oral sex, and it was wonderful.
"'The next night, however, it was back to regular vaginal intercourse. I put up with it for another week, with oral foreplay but never an oral orgasm, until I realized I was so in love with him I had to either tell him the truth or spend the rest of my life being miserable with him. I knew he was going' to' ask me to marry him.
"I blew it, if you don't mind the expression. I told him I needed oral gratification, I explained it was a. need stemming from childhood, that it was something that was completely natural to me, something my mother had taught me. He couldn't understand, and although he had compassion and said he still loved me, he was afraid such a marriage would never last and that I would not be a proper mother with suck a deviation.
"It isn't a deviation, is it? Am I a freak? How can I be so beautiful, so popular a model and person, and yet be so sick? I'm not sick! I'm not! But I'm afraid that I'm one of a kind, that there is no one like me in the world, and I will never find a person to love me in the way I need to be loved ...
"But I go on. I visited my parents-still in Chinatown-recently, and I told my mother of my problems, and she did not know what to tell me. It seems no one can offer advice or guidance, I don't want to change, I don't want to stop sucking cock because I honestly love it, but I do want to be accepted, to be loved.
"Last night I met a man about my age, very good .looking, very well-built. He told me he loved Oriental girls and knew that they were the 'best cocksuckers in the world!' I was excited, pleased, knowing he wanted what I was best in giving. His cock was magnificent and I sucked on it half the night. He came three times and ate my pussy out so well that I even came! But today, when I talked to him on the phone, he told me he was-dying to throw a good fuck into me. I told him I didn't want that, I told him oralism was my bag. He politely excused himself from our date this evening, and then told me that Oriental girls 'are supposed to fuck too.'
"I know we're supposed to fuck too and so I want to know why can't I? I can do it if I force myself, but it is a painful process, one that is not worth lying about. Mai-Lin, beautiful and successful Oriental model, expert at fellatio, rich and pleasant-but very unhappy."
Fixated upon the oral stage of development, Mai-Lin never developed the feelings of disgust which serve to moderate oral eroticism. As we observed in the case of Tony, Mai-Lin is also entirely concerned in her sexual activity, with an act that should have been superseded in importance by coitus and the propagation of the species. This is the highest development of the individual's sexual instincts.
Mai-Lin is therefore perverse because she has never developed the resistances from which a healthy sex life evolves. It 'is quite likely that Mai-Lin will never attain full sexual maturity.
Chapter 4
Maria
"Up and down, up and down, faster now. He loves it-I can tell that from the way his magnificent cock stays large, and from the mounting tension I sense. I pretend that, instead of being here on a sterile white hospital bed, we're sprawled voluptuously on gold satin sheets. Suck, suck, suck, furiously now, then ease it a bit, make it last, make it good for him ...
"What mounds of rippling muscles he has, thick patches of hair where hair should be, everything a girl could ask for. And this cock knows how to appreciate the delicate art of fellatio; it's an experienced cock all right. I wonder how it would feel inside me, and wonder if I'd dare, here in the hospital, me a nurse!
"Most of all I wonder what he looks like under those bandages covering his face, and he's probably wondering about me. It's more exciting somehow, not seeing each other, not knowing each other, communicating with taps on the table, two taps for fresh water, please, three taps for suck me off, nurse. And I'm not doing this out of duty or pity. I'm doing it because I adore sucking cock, losing' myself, in the ever changing rhythms of my head, the constant swishing of my tongue against the warm hardness. Up and down and around and around I go. I love it!
"The door's locked. The 'do not disturb' sign hangs on the knob. We have all the time in the world and I'll even give up my break, yes, gladly, if he wants to prolong it.
"Suck, release, suck ... my vacuum-cleaner mouth takes it in deeper and deeper. Not all seven inches, that I can't quite manage, but lots of it, while my left hand takes care of the rest and my right hand fondles his balls ever so gently. My pauses are less frequent now. He's ready for the steady, continuous final phase. No more teasing, just straight suck. Build up speed ever so gradually. Nothing harsh, no quick changes, just more and more of the same, titillating the shaft more all the time. No swallowing, let the saliva slurp, slurp. His cock is dripping with it and so are my hands. By now it probably feels like pussy juice to him. Ah, I wonder what his fantasies are ...
"Is he picturing" himself, big and bronze on :l deserted beach at twilight with a sinuous blond, picturing the sensuous grace of her body as her head bobs up and down and her firm young breasts bounce ever so slightly, her long legs straddling his? Suddenly the beach fantasy becomes my own, I see his naked hairy body not on satin sheets but on sand, the firm texture of his body glowing in the oblique evening light, his chest rising and falling as the waves rush in and out. His face, yes, dark, swarthy, eyebrows that match his pubic hair, full, round lips that want to eat my pussy, and my pussy hurts for it. It hurts so much I want to take one hand away from him and get to the slick, tingly surface where scarcely more than a touch would send me into exploding ecstasies.
"But I go on, up and down, back to the satin sheets for diversion, soul music coming from the hi-fi, the faint aroma of rum we'd been drinking. I'm the maid sucking off the lord of the manor, and I'd better do it fast now for his wife will be home and calling for me, but it's me he loves really, this gem of a man loves me ... and so I suck, suck, suck.
"He's getting closer. Don't ask me how I can tell. Somewhere in his body, something 'is beginning to give way. The shaft is harder, my mouth strains with fullness. Oh, God, in a moment it will all be over, and I'd wanted it to last and last, with me here, forever a worshiper at the shrine of life, the eternal phallus: A sudden surge from within tells me to accelerate my motion, to suck harder, faster.. And. now the throbbing has begun and he thrusts his mighty sword into my mouth. The warm liquid spurts out. My communion, my reward. I hold it for a few instants without swallowing, tasting its deliciousness and sucking till I'm sure I have it all, while he squirms relentlessly beneath me, the pulsations diminishing now. My mouth runneth over. And at last I take it into my throat.
"My pussy aches for release, yet I am content for the moment in his contentment. I hold his spent masculinity against my face, relishing this brief moment of utter tranquility, but knowing that sooner or later my pussy will demand release, too.
"And soon I have to leave, making the rounds of the other patients, exchanging a shy glance with Dr. Chard in, wondering if he'll ever get around to asking me out. He must know what a good nurse I am, from the way I keep my patients serene and happy.
"Most of the doctors know what goes on here. After all these patients are young studs, soldiers, some fresh from the Southeast Asian whorehouses and some who haven't had a woman in months, but all of them so horny, you catch them pulling their hands out from under the sheets all the time with that little-boy guilty expression: Mommy, you know I wouldn't do anything bad. Even with some of the pretty sick ones, you're apt to see the sudden rising of a mountain peak in the middle of the sheet when you're just there doing your duty.
"Some hospitals are-squeamish, I know. At the place where I did my training, they took a guy to the psycho ward just for jacking off! Rather, for getting caught jacking off. My God, didn't they know that was a sign of health, not mental illness?
"So I was a little surprised at the way things are handled here. Don't get me wrong. It's not that all this is fully endorsed and approved by the staff, it's just that people are hip.
"Shortly after r was hired, one of the guys bared a hard cock for me to see and pointed at it smiling. I shook my head politely, fixed his pillow faster than usual and ran down the hall. I demanded to see the doctor on the ward, and, when he finally had time to speak with me, I told him.
"'I think the patient wanted me to perform a sex act ... fellatio, perhaps,' I said.
"He nodded gravely. 'You're new, aren't you?'
"'Yes,' I said.
"'The needs of these young men are great. The chances of anyone's becoming violent are rather slim. We screen patients carefully, although sometimes mental disturbances do occur in a hospital setting. Don't worry about being hurt.'
"He hesitated a moment before going on. 'We don't ask that our nurses be prostitutes. You're not demanded anything beyond your assigned duties. But some of the girls here feel such great sympathy for their patients that they go beyond the call of duty, if you know what I mean, Usually it's quite discreet: One doesn't speak of it to, say, the head of nursing. One closes one's eyes. Now forget that I have told you any of this. You're old enough to have figured it out for yourself.'
"I guess that was when I started to respect doctors again. I'd hated them, refused even to go out with interns when I was in training, because they treated us like slaves. I resented it all the more because I'd wanted to be a doctor myself once, and I had had all the qualifications except a rich Anglo father and a prick. A rich Anglo father will pay for medical school, and being male will get you a scholarship.
"Well, I lucked out: Instead of Doctor Verdugo, I'm Maria Verdugo, R.N., a hospital whore. I don't make as much money as a doctor or a high-class whore, which I'm sure I could be, but I have fun and respectability. Who could ask for more? But now and then my bitterness shows.
"I don't suck everybody's cock, of course. Some of the other girls do it, some know about it and don't, and a few don't know about it. The problem is keeping it a secret from the nurses who don't know about it and wouldn't understand. Number Eight, with the bandages on his face, is a guy I dug right from the first time I gave him a bath and saw the glorious architecture of his body. Little did I know that while his face was all bandaged up he'd develop a code to ask for it. Number Fourteen is nice, too, a bright college kid who got zapped by the draft when his grades dropped. We have kind of a good thing going, in spite of his being about four years younger than me.
"Most of the guys flirt and really work hard to get something going. Now, No. 14 just asked me one day if he could talk dirty.
"'Sure,' I said. 'I won't tell.'
"'If you weren't a nurse, I'd fuck you,' he said.
"'What you mean,' I returned, 'is that if your right leg weren't in traction you'd fuck me. Right?'
"'Come to think of it, I'd have a pretty hard time, wouldn't H' He surveyed the gear that held his leg pointed upward,. 'But I'd really like to. I wouldn't just fuck you, I'd make love to you. Would you believe I lie here thinking about it, thinking about you and what you'd be like?'
"I smiled. 'Do you talk to all the nurses that way?'
"'You bet your life I don't. Some of them would slap me in the face, me a sick man, returned from serving my country ... '
"There's sort of an unspoken rule that a guy doesn't get it from more than one nurse, because there aren't nearly enough nurses to go around ... and, of course, we have our jealousies, too. Some nurses get romantic and stick to one guy, which is rather selfish of them. But we all pretend that the guy we're with is the only one getting our favors-in fact, the only guy in the hospital getting such favors-hoping they won't compare notes and create a scandal once they get out.
"Well, to make a long story short, while Number Fourteen was telling me I was beautiful and intelligent and everything," I got closer and closer to the bulging monument beneath the sheet.
"I looked at him and suddenly his face was agonized with desire. 'Would you? Could you? I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have asked ... '
"'Shut up and get sucked off,' I said.
"He laughed. 'You're something, all right.'
"'Wait and see what you think when I'm finished.' I told him.
"I whipped back the sheet and carefully maneuvered the hospital gown out of the way. And there before me was his cock, reaching upward like a church spire, set in the finest nest of reddish blond hair. I took it in my hands and gently moved the loose flesh up and down.
"'God, you don't know how long it's been ... ' he muttered.
"'Tell me about Oriental women. Is it true? ... '
"'Honey, they'll do it sideways, assways, anyways, or that's what the fellows tell me. Now I wouldn't know.'
"'You're putting me on.'
"'I'm not. I'd sworn to be true forever to a pretty girl in Wyoming and she shafted me' for a rich rancher.'
"He sounded serious, but I wasn't sure. Anyway, I said, 'Don't cry tears, baby, cry sperm. That'll do us both more good.'
"'Let me kiss you first,' he begged.
"That made me feel all soft and tender. Some guys are still romantic in the old-fashioned way, and I rather like it, even if I'm not exactly romantic.
"Our lips met, mine on top of his, and almost instantly our mouths opened and we exchanged tongues, mingling our saliva, passionately twisting our faces together. His hand reached to one of my breasts, which was about as far as he could reach, and beneath me I could feel the furious pounding of his heart. At last we separated, exchanged a glance of warmth and tenderness.
"I liked this guy, but, of course, I wasn't going to get hung up. And for me, sucking a cock isn't romantic in the usual way, it's a kind of erotic religion or something. In giving myself this way I purge myself of my disappointments and bitterness. So I not only give, I take. I feel on these sick guys, not only eating their high-protein sperm but letting them give me something that nourishes my depraved ... oops, I meant to say deprived soul.
"I looked again at that glorious tool, upright as ever. Then I waved my hand over it and watched as it moved toward my fingers. An involuntary reaction, of course, but I like. to dispense with scientific explanations and pretend it's magic. His cock is drawn to my hand by mysterious powers, beyond his or my control. And the same is true with my mouth. I approach the lower edge of the bed, then lean over with my tongue hanging out. And it reaches for my tongue; it wants it.
"I can hardly wait to get it in my mouth, but I don't forget the usual precautions, .like locking the door and putting out the sign so nobody will come in. It's amazing that some of the old girls on this floor don't know what that sign means. They think it's for enemas or something ... well, there are guys who get their kicks that way, but they're just not of the same calibre as the guys who want to get sucked off.
"I savor the sight of that tough, purple member for as long as I can stand it. It's going to be awkward, since I don't dare sit on the bed, but I can lean over. And so I do. Anxious as I am I do it in sensuous slow motion, my mouth greedily opened and ready for its ritual meal.
"'Oh, baby,' he groans.
"I don't answer. I just lower my gaping mouth to the head of it. Instead of clamping down hard, I let my tongue travel in tiny circles, teasingly, oh so gradually, centering in on his most sensitive spot. And when I get to that tender ridge he howls like a dog who's just heard a siren. So I dart away, lapping at the sides, the edge of the crown, everywhere but where he really wants it most. Too much too fast and I'd have a mouth full of love-juice in seconds, and a rather embarrassed guy on my hands,
"This must be sustained. That's the secret, giving a guy just enough to keep him excited, making him wait in exquisite suspense while his mind carries him to his favorite fetishes and fantasies. The bigger the buildup the bigger the explosion.
"I make my tongue almost as pointed as a pencil and explore its varied landscape of bumps and ridges with the curiosity of someone just landed on an unknown planet. Every cock has its own special character, unique and indescribable. It's not a question of some being superior to others; my own peculiar perversion is that I love them all. Each time, the one I happen to be sucking is the greatest and most beautiful cock in the world.
"'Do you know what you're doing to me?' he groans now, with the slurred speech of a man losing his rational powers.
"I smile back at him with my eyes, just the slightest squint. Nothing could make me take my mouth away from what I am doing.
"And I continue with the delicate preliminaries, knowing that I'm driving him wild but not stimulating him too much. God, I wish he'd tell me what he's thinking. I don't care whether he thinks of me or not. I hope that I evoke the most madly erotic imaginings from the inner reaches of his mind, stirring desires he didn't know existed. Yes, he probably had an aunt or a cousin, a little older, and very sexy in her Western riding boots and all ... She broke hearts as easily as teacups, ah, but to her younger sweet young male relative, she was always good. She was kind and gave him candy, never dreaming that he spent hour after hour in the privy, imagining her with her legs spread apart, her boots still on ... and, faster and faster, he jerked his arm until the geyser of sperm let him know he was really a man, and he didn't care what the preacher said or; what anybody said, because he knew damn well it wouldn't drive him insane permanently, only for a few moments, and it was well worth it ...
"How well I know how a man thinks and feels. Is there something wrong in that? My fantasizing their fantasies? Surely not; surely it's because I like giving, I like cocksucking, I like men.
"He wants more. I know now that his mind has departed the room for some remote world of pure eroticism and he wants me to take all of him in my mouth at last. At last!
"But slowly, very slowly I lower my tensed lips over this marvelous prong, protecting its delicate flesh from my teeth.
"'Suck,' he screams almost. 'Suck I Suck! Suck! Suck me!'
"For a fleeting, insignificant moment I hope that no one is passing by the door ...
"Then I suck, pulling upward oh so tenderly scarcely moving the loose flesh, then down, down, down, as far as I can go, wishing I could get it all in. Up again slowly, and then down, teasingly, with what must be almost excruciating sensuousness for him. Because he's dying with anticipation for more his mind a step ahead of what I'm doing. Is it torture? Who's to say?"
In reading the narrative of this young woman, the most striking feature. is not the acts she is describing, but the language in which she describes them. Her appearance is quite sweet, almost virginal. The archetypal young Mexican-American girl complete with soft brown eyes and a shy smile. The complete antithesis of .the foul-mouthed cynic she shows us.
Considering the situation, though, it is quite possible that her choice of words, the bluntness of her description, her use of the "gutter" Anglo-Saxon terminology, has a deep psychological reason. As C. G. Jung pointed out in his Basic Writings:
Common speech, as we know, is full of erotic metaphors which are applied to matters that have nothing to do with sex; and conversely, sexual symbolism by no means implies that the interests making use of it are by nature erotic. Sex, as one of the most important instincts, is the prime cause of numerous affects that exert an abiding influence on our speech. But affects cannot be identified with sexuality inasmuch as they may easily spring from conflict situations.
Upon close study of the narrative we find that there are several quite unusual factors. To start with, the subject makes very little attempt to justify her acts. She states that she performs oral sex on her patients simply because she enjoys it. The only slight traces of justification shown are her statements that the hospital staff is generally aware that the nurses are performing oral sex on the patients.
Another unusual factor is her constant fantasizing during the performance of the oral sex act. This indicates that, while she repeatedly and emphatically states that she performs the act simply because she enjoys it, she actually has some very deep-seated emotional conflicts which she brings to the surface during the sexual episodes. Inside, she is actually wishing that she were someplace else, doing something different, with someone else. Add to this her statements that she usually receives sexual gratification and release only from masturbation and a new pattern begins to form.
Her initial statements make her appear to be exclusively heterosexual, but consider the remarks of Dr. G. Wilson Shaffer in the Textbook of Abnormal Psychology:
The delay or non-satisfaction of a desire may result in organic changes so that the desire may be manifested in a totally different way or it may abolish the desire.
As she continues her narrative she begins to mention another woman, the mentions becoming more and more frequent, and finally admits to a lesbian experience. It now becomes obvious that she received enjoyment from this lesbian experience, an enjoyment that has led to tremendous guilt feelings and frustrations, eliminating her ability to receive sexual satisfaction from a man.
This is not to say that she is a lesbian. Quite the contrary, there are strong indications that she does not have any tendencies in this direction. She has simply fallen into a trap such as was clearly described by W. A. Glassner in the American Psychiatric Journal:
It is unfortunate that many women enter into a lesbian relationship, thinking that they are lesbians, when actually' they were only caught in a homosexual situation at a time when they were emotionally vulnerable. The common situation is one where the woman is having difficulty in sexual relations for either physical or emotional reasons, usually quite temporary. During this period she becomes involved in a lesbian episode, and receives enjoyment from it. Afterwards she is assailed by guilt, and later, to resolve these guilt feelings; she admits to herself, quite erroneously, that she is a lesbian. Quite often the woman will go along for several years, unhappily saddled with a heterosexual relationship which she cannot enjoy because she believes herself to be a lesbian.
As her narrative continues, one fact which emerges quite strongly, although it is never stated outright and there is strong indication that the subject is not even fully aware of it, is that she is really quite unhappy, without having the slightest idea why. Her fantasies are used as a mental trick to hide this fact from her own conscious mind, and her language and apparent honesty are used to conceal this fact from others. As Ray B. Radney states in Behavioral Patterns:
Nowhere outside the field of sexual behavior is the tendency to conceal unpleasant facts, both from self and from others, so prevalent. The ability of the mind to refuse to consciously accept facts, while at the same time consciously hiding those same facts from the scrutiny of others, is a never ending source of wonder to me.
"Up and down, again and again, speeding up by such fine degrees that he doesn't notice. The minuteness of it all, the utter precision, all this I've learned and. practiced to perfection. God, if the hospital administration only knew that cocksucking is as delicate as surgery, with rules all its own that must be obeyed. Surgery? Oh, I know that my sound strange. Before you try to make something out of It, let me remind you that I wanted to be a doctor before I entered the sacred prostitution ... sacred profession, I mean, of nursing.
"All glory to the phallus, giver of the seed of life, magnificent in shape and proportion, issuing forth to all those who worship at its shrine the holy juices of ultimate redemption. Faster now, along the tall and narrow human shrine where I worship, faster and faster, up and down, take in more and more. I'm lost now in the sheer joy of doing it, aware only of one other thing, the burning between my legs, the desire for complete union with him.
"He's trying to move now, and I steady him, for he mustn't move. It's for me to do it all. He's too close so I slow down just a little, enough to swirl my tongue around, knowing that the rough surface will both distract and excite him. His cock is as wet as though he'd already come, even the downy hair surrounding it is moist. Strange, how this generates the flow of saliva; they don't tell you about that in biology class. It's food, all right, but, my God, it's so much more than food ... '
"'Give it to me, honey, give it to me,' he pleads.
"So now I really suck, the same up-and-down motion as before, the same rhythm, only now with a pull from inside my mouth that creates more pressure against the tenderness of his prick. And I'm loving every blessed second of it now, my head bouncing wildly as I pull and sink down on him with every increasing speed and tension. My head is dizzy from the fast rhythm. I'm in sheer ecstasy for I know that the greatest moment of all is close at hand. My God sometimes I think I'm going to come too. Simultaneous orgasm without a thing touching my pussy. That's how far out I can get.
"I use my hands to steady him so there's no chance of injuring himself in the violent climax I'm sure he's about to have. He's on the very verge of it, I'm sure of that, just as I'm sure he's hoping to postpone it as long as he can, languishing in these final moments, so far removed from the everyday world, so beautiful.
"I keep my rhythm steady. When it happens, it will happen. I could make it happen, of course, but I want this to be like a bolt of-lightning striking from the sky, something that neither of us willed, something that occurred without human intervention.
"And oh my God, it is happening. Now, now, now! The juices shoot through the tube as though at the pun of a trigger and the magnificent organ in my mouth convulses incontrollably. I hold the rest of him still while his cock gyrates widly, the semen spurting into my anxious mouth and filling it, dripping out of my lips and down his cock again. He's been saving a lot for me. I drink it in at last, partaking with reverence ...
"I wanted to hold his beautiful organ in my hands and admire it, but he beckoned me to come to the head of the bed.
"'I smell wet pussy,' he whispered as I got close to him.
"He was right. I could even detect the musky odor of cunt juice from under my starched uniform myself.
"'Would you let me?' he asked.
"'I ... I ... ' My God, I almost said I've never let that happen, which was true. I'd always given, never received, as far as the patients are concerned.
"'I have to get back to work,' I said at last.
"'Please let me.'
"I was confused about what to do. The truth is I don't often make it with guys, especially this way for some reason. Maybe I know the reason. What I do is masturbate .and fantasize. What if I didn't make it? That would make him feel terrible, I knew.
"'Please,' he said.
"I worried vaguely, too, about the chances of getting caught. Now getting caught going down on a guy would be easy enough to cover up by a quick grab of the sheet. But straddling a patient's face is a little hard to make excuses for.
"But damn it, my pussy was hot, and in the back of my mind was the hope, as there always is, that maybe this time ...
"We were kissing again: my sperm-soaked mouth against his lips, then both our mouths opening, the surfaces of our tongues gliding together, then his tongue darting about madly as though to show me what it could do to my pussy. I couldn't resist.
"It's what he wants, I kept telling myself, as I rolled down my panty hose, the most antisexual contraption ever invented. God, it's worse than slipping in a diaphragm. He needs this too, Maria. You aren't being selfish. It's all right. I left my uniform and my cap on, partly for safety's safe, in case I'd have to make a quick leap from the bed, and partly because I know the virgin white of a nurse's uniform is one terrific turn-on. Or so I've been told.
"So I mounted the pillow, my sopping cunt spread above his face, still harboring slight fears of various kinds. This was now. But damn, if he couldn't do it, I could pitch in and help with my own hands. Guys did that for me, plenty of times, before I really learned how to suck their cocks.
"His fingertips gently traversed the moist surface, examining every tiny crevice and bump, as though he didn't know what pussies were like. I was sure hoping he knew, though. He stroked gently, though, like a man who's had plenty of experience. My tender flesh tingled at every touch. Yes, he knew how to make me want more. He could read my mind, as I had read. his, and knew that the ultimate arousal lies in the anticipation of going a step further, imagining that step, craving it ... a low scream rising within; yes, he knew.
"He had not yet touched my clitoris, He circled it, rubbed the lips around it, approached it only to turn back, as though it were something too sacred to be touched casually with fingers and harsh fingernails. And all I could thin of was how his tongue, with its rough and slick surfaces would feel licking and lapping at it ...
"He made me wait a few moments longer before gesturing for me to lower myself, which I did gladly it in any direction, point it, make a tunnel out of the middle of it. God, what a tongue. Again, though, he avoided my clitoris with what seemed deliberate intention.
"What if he doesn't know? Oh my God, what if he thinks it's all in the vagina, that horrible myth that frustrated at least one generation of women after being told all their troubles were sexual anyway! Probably some guys think girls are just cunts, holes, receptacles, with nothing external that really counts. I'd soon know where he stood and I was going to be terribly disappointed if he happened to be one of the unenlightened ones.
"But he knew, of course, he knew; how silly of me to have thought otherwise. His tongue was now getting closer and closer-no, not yet touching, but approaching, teasing. And. as I waited, utterly distraught by the suspense, I knew my clitoris was bulging outward more and more, the blood rushing to it, making it hard and erect even though he still hadn't touched it at all. What fantastic agony! What expertise he had! So few, so very few men really know how to lift a girl to such giddy heights of sensation.
"'More! More!' I yelled at last, unable to contain myself.
"Now he brought his teeth against me, against the lips, the edges. His tongue was pointed directly at my clit, I was sure, and I wished I could make this small but magnificently sensitive organ of mine larger, wished I could make it reach out to that tongue, for that was what I wanted now, more than anything else in the whole world. Either the scraping of the top of his tongue or the wet softness underneath would do. Anything! Anything! Please, can't you tell how I'm dying for it, perishing from your exquisite torture? Please give me more, give me what I want, hurt me if you must, but do something, here where I need it so badly ...
"No, I said none of this out loud, somehow feeling that I should hide the extreme desperation of my desires. I wondered how much he understood of what I really felt, really craved. He seemed so certain of his technique. So are other men ... but this one really had a right to be confident. He knew how to drive a girl wild.
"His teeth gnawed at me hungrily. He loves this, I know-loves this the way I love to suck cock. For its own sake and nothing else.
"His tongue, on my God, how close it gets, then stops just short of the goal. Closer and closer. Now? Almost, yes, but he whips it away again. On, the bastard, the beautiful bastard!
"'Ohhhhh,' I scream, totally forgetting where I am and who I am, for he has just grazed the tender underside of it, yes, right where I want it ... and I want more. More!
"And now his tongue darts alternately from my clit to my hole, not lingering at either spot, making me hotter and hotter in both places. And it's good. Each spot is so sensitized now that I hardly know which. I prefer. Fast and furious he works, this marvelous lover.
"Back and forth from my hole to my clit, clit to hole, again and again, with swiftness and concentration such as I thought no man was capable of.
"Why do I say that: as I thought no man? ... Because I've had really so little success with men, sexually, I mean. Only a few do it right, somehow.
"And I'll confess-I have to, don't I?-what I thought of as my Number Fourteen, my hospital lover, was giving me these delightful ministrations. Yes, I stopped thinking of him. I remembered Claudine and the time we went to Big Sur and camped on the beach ...
"Now, I'm not a lesbian. I've never had an experience of that sort before or since, but I've had a hard time forgetting it ...
"We were friends, nothing more, and I never expected anything out of the ordinary to happen. But we were so alike, both brunette, slender, Latin-featured, slim-legged, firm-breasted. Looking at her was like looking in a mirror somehow.
"Yes as his tongue lapped at me furiously I remembered waking up to the sound of the rushing waves to feel Claudine's soft fingertips prying apart my thighs. It was like a dream, and anything can happen in dreams, so I didn't protest. In fact I had no idea that it was real. I lay there as her fingers progressed from my thighs to the tender flesh between, which was wet, terribly wet.
"'And I remember her whispering,
"We both want this,' clasping me in her arms as she did so.
"And I think I said, 'Yes.'
"'Yes' that's what I was saying now to my hospital love, my Number Fourteen, and somehow it was as though I was saying it again to Claudine.
"His tongue, all curled and pointed, penetrated my gaping hole, prodding as deeply as it could, scraping the sides, making me think of cock, how great It would be to have a cock inside me, his cock, anybody's cock ...
"But as he drew his tongue out, my memories of Claudine returned, for now he was very gently sucking at me, sort of drawing my clit into him. I remembered how I had felt when Claudine did that, so expertly, so much better than any man had ever done ...
"How beautiful it was as we lay there, our supple bodies entwined, as she did everything I'd always wanted, knowing what to do, for she too was a woman, a creature so like me, my mirror-image. And strangely, as she lay on top of me, grinding her mound against mine in a desperate attempt to get closer, closer than was possible, I wished that she had a penis for somehow it was not quite enough ...
"Then, the darting and the lapping of her tongue, into me as far as' it would go ... and I pretended it was a penis. How strange, how incredible it all was! And how feverishly passionate I became, squirming against her and thrusting my clitoris against her, wishing it were larger, wishing there was some way we could really fit, just as I was squirming against this anonymous creature under me now, wanting more and more.
"Claudine knew how to make up for, my impossible longings, for the feverish lashing of her tongue drove me to heights of pleasure hitherto unknown. Tinglings of sensation that traveled up my spine and even made the back of my head feel strange. Fire and ice, that's what it was like, the extremes of sensations, the opposites that converge-in the wildest possible of ecstasies ...
"Oh, Claudine ... why must I think of Claudine? Why can't I focus on this nice young male creature beneath me, whose tongue is so very like hers? Why? But I must. Even as he sucks so gently, bites without giving pain, produces every perfect sensation, I remember the rushing of the waves, the dim quarter moon, the uniting of two soft bodies, so much alike.
"Faster and faster, ever more deliciously, traversing only the underside of my clit before sinking into my hole. What a tongue! What tingling! My whole body trembling now, I squirm. I thrust, even. I don't care what I do, I'm going to get mine. I close my eyes, and it's Claudine's face I see as my body becomes lost in sheer rapture.
"Now, yes, a slight pounding, rising from somewhere deep inside me. The beat of an ancient drum, the beat of a heart, the rhythm of the universe, and somehow it's Claudine's tongue that is evoking this, bringing me to this point of no return. My pussy swells and expands, and for one brief moment it's like hearing a high-pitched sound, a primal cry, yes, accompanied by a flash of light and the blessing of the gods. For I have passed the gateway to paradise now. I hover on the very brink of the sheer precipice ...
"And I plunge downward once more, only down, down, down, my pussy breaking into a flurry of shudders, pounding, pulsating, throbbing ... like the waves that crash. Claudine!
"And suddenly I'm sobbing. Not because it isn't Claudine-I knew that all along-but because I've deceived this young man, this perfect young man. Deceived him because he alone couldn't do what it took, only my fantasy, my recurrent fantasy could get me there.
"'Hey, remember I'm a sick man/ he was saying.
"'Did I hurt you l' I said, catching my breath.
"'No, but you surprised me. a little. That was strong ... With most girls it's never that strong, no matter how hard you try. It was great!'
"'Yeah, it was,' I said quietly, smiling down at his youthful, handsome face.
"'And I loved it. I loved it every bit as much as you did. Don't forget that.'
"I had to hurry back to the main station and get on with my chores. But that wasn't the only time this kind of thing happened. Yes, I usually made excuses, tried to avoid it, then succumbed to his expert treatment which brought me to pinnacles of passion no less intense than that first time. One of these days he'll be discharged, and I'll be sorry to see him go. Because he got me over the fear that I might really be a lesbian. He really did, by eventually making me respond to him. Of course, I kept sucking his cock, just as fervently as ever ...
"As for Number Eight, it was a big day for me when I heard his bandages were to be taken off. I could hardly wait to see if his face was everything it should be to go with that marvelously structured body of his. And I'd been sucking him off practically every day" never knowing what he looked like.
I wasn't on hand for the removal of the bandages: though both a surgical nurse and a doctor were. I tried to suppress my interest when they returned from the room to note the progress on his chart.
Of course, I was prepared for the worst. Possibility of plastic surgery, loss of sight ... either of these were things that could happen. His speech should be normal, though, for there'd been no severe throat injury, only a broken jaw.
"I waited for the earliest possible opportunity to go see him, not wanting to hear the news from someone else. At last I crept to his room.
"I wasn't disappointed, for there on the pillow was the swarthy face I'd expected, full-cheeked with excellent bone structure. His eyebrows, which had been shaved, were growing in thick and heavy, dark, of course, like the rest of his hair. And I knew from his eyes that he could see. There was an instant response though, of course, he didn't know that I was the nurse, the one who'd been sucking him off.
"I let him know by means of the signal he'd given me, three taps on the table. And he smiled weakly. His face probably still hurt, I realized, but he seemed pleased at seeing me.
"I went to the door, put out the sign and pushed in the lock. Then I approached the lower edge of the bed. Without even peaking under the covers I could tell that Old Faithful was rising. Then I lifted the sheet.'
"There it was, the object of my cock worship, tall, thick and hard. Slowly I approached it with my hungry lips. I looked at his face now to see how he was responding to my uninvited overture.
"Much to my surprise, he was shaking his head. I was crushed, really crushed.
"'It's not that I don't like you,' he said in a voice that was scarcely more than a whisper. 'It's that I love you.'
"I was stricken. Flattered, of course, but disturbed. What was I going to do now. I didn't dare let him get hung up, serious.
"Yes, he tried to talk me into marrying him, telling me about the property he'd inherited in Alabama and how we could raise peaches and children and all that. Oh, God, he thought I was just another cunt. Just another husband-hungry cunt. He was soon transferred to another ward, and though I promised to come see him, I didn't. I hoped that there he'd meet some nurse who was ready and willing to accept what he had to offer ...
"Because I was a long way from being ready for marriage 'of any kind, wasn't I? Of course the Alabama bit would have been all wrong, but so would any kind of permanent romantic commitment just then ...
"Yes, the day I started sobbing hysterically for no reason at all in the nurses' lounge, one of the other nurses, one of the other cock sucking nurses came up and said to me, 'Gets to you after a while, doesn't it?'
"That's all she said, but I knew what she meant I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I knew very well something was."
As the subject's narrative ends, it is encouraging to note that she has finally realized that she does have some serious emotional problems, although she as not yet fully accepted them and their consequences. The indications are that she will be able to resolve her problems, though, and along with them the mental turmoil that is affecting so much of her life. She was able to achieve, for the first time in quite awhile, a heterosexual relationship to the point of sexual gratification without having to resort to the subterfuge of fantasy to replace the object which gave her the gratification she sought.
Chapter 5
Carey
"Talk about Sophie Portnoy! Man, I have a mother you wouldn't believe. Every chick I met, every chick I look at, every chick I dream about is a threat to dear ol' Mom. Don't get me wrong: I love her. But I wish to hell she hadn't hung on so long. I'm rid of her now-I'm moving out on my own next week-but it's been one hell of a trip, believe me.
"'So who's this girl you're bringing home l' she asked way back before my first date in high school. Already then she was afraid I'd get a chick pregnant and I'd shame her and her ancestors forever. She should only know-she should only know!-that I don't even like fucking girls! Oral sex is my bag and mother is responsible for that too.
"Let me go back to the beginning. One day, when I was about twelve and just starting to realize my cock was growing and there was such a thing called sex I came home from school early with a sore throat. Dad ran a string of furniture showrooms and warehouses, and you never knew when he was going to be home. Already then he was losing his looks-'he worked himself to the bone-and mother never really had any. She's always been overweight, not what you'd call pretty, but not homely either, with her hair propped up with the help of ten cans of spray. I had never even pictured the two of them kissing, much less making love. I entered the house quietly and heard noises coming from the living room. I crept up behind the big planter and looked down into the sunken-Beverly Hills, mind you, posh sunken living room-area and immediately froze.
"Mother was on the top-riding him, in a stooping position. Dad's long slender cock stood straight up from his balls and she bounced on it and I was amazed to see it disappear up her, and then slide out again and again. The rolls of fat on her stomach jiggled and her massive breasts heaved with each movement. Dad wasn't saying a word, just moaning a sick sound. Mom was shouting all kinds of shit, like. 'FUCK THE JUICE OUT OF ME!' and 'HAROLD, HAROLD, YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG PRICK!' (which he didn't, actually), and I was so sick I wanted to puke.
"I watched for about five minutes until I could take no more. It was the most obscene sight, the most horrifying thing I had ever seen in my entire lifetime. I ran out into the yard and became sick and vomited right next to dad's Cadillac. All sorts of things raced through my mind-was that how I was conceived? Was that what intercourse was all about? It was ugly and awful-dad's helpless cock being used by her big hairy cunt-and I wanted to erase it from my mind, to blot it out.
"Just a week before, Mother had sent me to my room without supper for saying 'fuck' for the first time. And look what they were doing on that floor? I should have sent them to the gas chamber for that. Jesus, something like that can fuck up a little kid's head!
"And it did, it did. Till this very day, although it's not a great problem now. I'm twenty-two and I've never fucked a chick in my life. I've never even tried; I have no desire ever to do so. The idea repulses me, it sickens me, and I lose an erection if the thought crosses my mind or if a girl mentions it. Many times I've fucked up the evening because I wouldn't fuck. It's very simple ... and yet so complicated, somehow.
"You see, after that day when I saw my parents going at it on the living room floor, I had a perverse desire to watch it again-maybe I wanted to hate them and this was giving me a reason, I don't know-and I did. I snuck around and pretended to be asleep nights, peeked in their window, told lies, hid, crept, anything to watch them fuck. And that's all they did, no foreplay-oh, Dad stuck his fingers up her twat a few times and sucked her big nipples, but nothing more than that-just straight fucking, in various positions. More often than not, Dad was on the bottom and I hated my Mother for that because I felt she was ruling him, when he should have been the strong one on top!
"Anyhow, I watched each time-and began to realize that, after I had witnessed the scene, I would be sexually excited! I would go to my room or to the bathroom, lock the door, and masturbate. No, none of the Portnoy stuff with the liver or my sister's underpants. I had three favorite pictures-bought them from a kid at school for ten bucks-and I looked at them each time I beat off. One was of a beautiful blond girl sucking on a big Negro dick! All it showed was this guy's big fat cock and his hands on his hips, and a beautiful movie star type sucking on it. I don't know why, but it really turned me on.
"The second picture was one of a man and woman, both very good-looking, in a sixty-nine position. And the third was of two couples-a girl was sucking on a guy's cock, while the other girl was sucking his asshole-and beneath the girl working on the asshole was the other guy, his face stuffed into her pussy. They were exciting-oral, different sex than the stuff I always saw with my parents-and for me those pictures, those acts, were normal and beautiful. Fucking was dirty, ugly. Oral sex was clean and right. And I still feel that way.
"I had a rough time for a few years. All the guys I knew inevitably told me two things: how great it was to fuck a girl and what a big cock I had. The first I wasn't so sure about, the second I was positive. I had a huge cock then, and I have one now. I don't know why, I guess it just grew that way-God knows, Dad's isn't that big. I love my cock and I'm proud of it and I love having it sucked. But putting it in a cunt, hell no.
"It finally got to a point in high school where I had to pretend I had a girl friend-I did, but she was an uptight Catholic virgin, and wow, you should have heard my Mother about that one! I was only fifteen and she was worried I was balling this Catholic chick and we were going to make a baby and have to raise it Catholic! I did pretend I was fucking her, especially to the boys in the locker room at school. They were very proud of me, and always envious of my dick.
"Finally, one day, the pleasure of the pictures began to wear off and I was wanting the real thing. Where do I find a girl who'll suck me off, but not make me fuck her? Hollywood? Maybe the Ranch Market? There were always some sleazy types around there. The beach? I didn't know what the hell to do. And then, like a great matzo from the sky, she descended upon me ...
"Her name was Madeline, and she was a cousin to a cousin to a cousin-you know that crap-of the woman next door, a woman who was a lot like Mother. So I was out by the pool one sunny afternoon and I saw this nice looking girl looking at me through the palm leaves. She smiled, and I smiled back and moved my knees up-afraid to show her the fact that I had an erection. I was lying there on the chaise lounge thinking of getting sucked off under water-I had some wild fantasies!
"'Hi, you must be Carey!' she called
"'Yeah, who are you?' I asked ...
"'Madeline.'
"I won't bore you with the conversation that took place immediately after that, and how I got her to come over and have some lemonade with me and how we started talking about sex and-this sounds like The Graduate, doesn't it? Anyhow, we decided to swim because I was so sexually excited I knew I needed the water to cool me before I ripped open my trunks. And I think she was getting all warm between the legs already then too.
"In the water, I asked her where she worked, since she said she worked in an office-she was just out of high school. Her reply, well, I wasn't ready for it. 'I work at J&M Blowers!' she called from the other end of the pool. Then she laughed.
"I laughed too and my cock charged up. J&M Blowers! I wondered if she were making it up. I didn't care, she had said it and the ice was broken. That damn pool was steaming now and I swam to her and stood there, in the shallow end, water to our waists, next to her.
"'That's a funny name,' I said with a grin.
"'Depends on how you look at it,' she added, and swam off again.
"I watched her as she dove under the water near the diving board ... and came up without her bikini top !Her breasts floated in the blue water, and I saw the darkness of her nipples bobbing at the surface. Then she pulled the bottom off, too, under the water and tossed it up onto the cement. She swam, moving and twisting and splashing-I caught glimpses of her cunt, the dark hairs there, her smooth ass. I was ready to come! A naked girl was right there, swimming in my pool! After all the figuring I had done on where to get a girl, after deciding I was going to go out and pay a whore, after shaking with fear and trembling with apprehensiveness, it was all happening too fast and easy for comfort.
"I took off my trunks and swam past her, and then sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water. I spread my legs and let my balls drop down to the hot cement. My cock was like a rock and stood straight up against my belly. She stared with her mouth open-it was a lot bigger than she had ever expected.
"And then all hell broke loose. She almost cracked her head into the side of the pool, she swam so fast up to the spot between my legs! Her lips were fitted over my balls in a second, and I looked down to the sparkling water and honestly couldn't believe it. I grabbed my cock and started beating it, like usual, but had to stop-I was ready to shoot! I had to hold myself back.
"She sucked more on my balls, and then finally grabbed my cock with her hands and fitted her lips over it. She kicked her feet in the water and plunged her face down as far as she could go on the shaft. Then her tongue swept over the tip, and she moved her face back and forth ... and I shivered and flooded her mouth with the biggest load of sperm I've ever shot! She choked on it and it poured out of her mouth and dripped over my balls. She loved it, and licked and licked, till she got every drop into her lips.
"We traded places. I spread her legs with my hands and watched as her fingers eased the lips of her pussy apart and exposed the moist pink softness of the inner lips to me. I kissed them, then licked them with my tongue, and finally pushed my face against her entire crotch, tasting the juice and the chlorine mixed together, loving it. My cock was hard again and I put my hand on it under the water as I learned how to suck a pussy.
"I found her clit, without knowing that was what I found, and she went into absolute contortions. She fell back against the cement and spread her legs even further. Then she shouted for me never to stop, and my mouth seemed at once wetter and sweeter. She came easily, again without me really understanding what was happening.
"We rested and floated around the pool a bit, but we were both still very excited. Suddenly, Madeline told me she had to pee. I looked at her quite funny, I guess, because she knew where the bathroom was it was marked clearly, next to the ladies' dressing room-and I felt a bit embarrassed.
"'It's right over there,' I said, pointing. She just stared at me.
"'You can use the one in the house if you like,' I added, wondering why she was looking at me so funny.
"'I should pee in your pool,' she said in a happy tone of voice.
"I was sure she was kidding, so I came out with this line. I had heard or read somewhere: 'Please don't pee in our pool, we don't swim in your toilet.'
"She didn't react. Instead, she climbed out of the pool, bare naked in the afternoon sunlight, and walked to the end of the diving board. I was almost directly under it, wondering what the hell she was going to do.
"She knelt down, stooping, spreading her legs. For a moment I thought she was going to spring up with all her might and dive! But she leaned back and brace? herself with her hand on the board, thrusting her hips into the air a bit. Then she flexed her muscles and-I couldn't believe it-her pussy lips parted slightly to release a long golden stream of urine. It arched over the edge of the board and hit the blue pool like a waterfall. I was only inches from where it hit and I was in shock, amazed, utterly astounded and excited. I want to touch it-maybe even taste it-but I didn't dare, I couldn't move. I was frozen-like a shocked virgin!
"When she finished she stood up and said 'There I peed in your pool.'
"I looked up at her. 'Remind me to swim in your toilet.'
"We both laughed. 'Hey, Carey, do me a favor.'
"'What?'
"'Trade places with me and do it, standing up.'
"I didn't knew what she meant, so I thought she wanted me to do what she had done, to pee from the diving board. 'Madeline, I don't have to take a piss-my cock's hard. I don't think I could.'
"'No, I want you to come, to shoot out into the water, onto me.'
"I made for the board so fast, you wouldn't have believed it. She dove into the water and floated on her back as she looked up and watched me pumping my huge cock over her. I held my balls in one hand and my cock in the other and the situation excited me even more than her sucking had. I wanted to see my come fly out of my cock and splash into the water!
"'Let it gush out, Carey! Come on, honey, make that fat prick explode!' She splashed around, with one hand stuffed up her pussy.
"I spread my legs as much as I could without falling into the water. I knew I was close, and I started to tremble-the board bounced a little-and called out her name, letting her know I was about to do it ...
"Then it hit. I pumped my cock hard as the come shot out of me in giant spurts and landed in the water and all over her body. It must have been some sight from below-just as seeing her peeing from above had been for me-and I knew she loved it. She screamed in delight, and as soon as I had come my last drops, I jumped into the water, still clasping my balls and penis, and found her and hugged her. Man, it was almost out of Esther Williams. I was in love!
"Madeline and I saw a lot of each other, without our parents knowing most of the times. It was so convenient, so easy-leap the fence and we were together.. And my Mom was gone most of the day-beauty parlor, Mah-Jongg, window shopping-and Madeline's cousin of a cousin, etc., or whoever it was she and her parents lived with, were always out also. So it was easy.
"We experimented' in all kinds of oral sex. I'll never forget the first time she put her lips on my asshole. I was flat on the chaise in the sun, and she just spread my cheeks with her hands and put her tongue between them. She kissed me there and drove her tongue inside the clenched little hole. Finally, I bent over, and she was actually able to stick her tongue up me. I was in heaven, and came with only two strokes of my hand.
"Then I learned to finger-fuck her asshole while I was sucking on her pussy, or just the opposite. Sometimes I'd stick my finger up her ass and lick her as I did it, which applied saliva and made it work easier. We tried just about everything and anything-I peed from the edge of the pool and she took most of it in her mouth, she peed into my mouth and let it dribble all over my face, I let her suck me under water, and we did it there in a sixty-nine position till we had to come up for air. We floated on an air mattress, kissing and masturbating each other, and then finally into a sixty-nine as we came at the same moment. This went on all summer, just about every day. I was never in better spirits.
"Then one day, Mother was talking to the people next door and they said, 'Isn't it nice that Madeline and Carey are getting along so well?' Sure it was! So from that moment on, Mother guarded us. She arranged for the maid to come in in the afternoons instead of the mornings. She spent more time at home. She found errands for me, things for me to do. She made life miserable.
"I found myself sneaking out at night 'for an ice cream cone,' or 'I'm going for a drive, just want to be alone,' and almost always they would find out it was a lie. I'd meet Madeline-who had to go through the same shit in her house-and we'd do it in the bushes at the far end of her house if we were in a hurry, or we'd do it in my car on a deserted street if we had time.
"I remember those days-man, how exciting! We'd drive along Beverly Drive till we'd find a dark spot and we'd pull into a driveway-always made sure we picked a house with the lights off-and' park there. That way the police-and in Beverly Hills they're incredible, .they patrol every damn ten minutes!-wouldn't question the car parked on the street so late.
"Madeline would lift her skirt and I'd sink my head into her lap. My tongue was expert now, pushing her hairycunt lips apart, sliding way up her vagina. She ran her fingers through my hair and undulated her hips, moving them back and forth as I tongue-fucked her silly!
"Then I'd pun my cock out-I never wore underpants when we went out-and put my legs over hers. She'd bend down and take the head in her lips-she always started like that, slowly, working steadily toward a smash finish! She would hold the glans in 'her lips, driving me crazy with her tongue, opening the slit, rubbing around the hard ridge. Then her lips would descend the length, slowly, carefully, making It wet and tingling with excitement.
"Finally she'd just suck, giving me the best blow jobs in the world. She banged her head up and down on my dick as I moaned and sighed and begged her to keep sucking. She never let me down. I always ended with a tremendous orgasm which filled her mouth to the hilt.
"Once-I just remembered this-I had a good hard on and I had to piss but I was too excited from all the sucking we had been doing, that I was, at the same time, on the brink of orgasm. All of a sudden, as I was trying to make some urine fan from cock since she was begging me for it, I came sensation was strange because it happened together-urine was coming out of my cock, and so was come. I was feeling myself pissing and coming at the same moment, and the semen mixed with the piss to become very watery. Madeline went nutty, lapped it all up and told me I was some kind of genius.
"But Mother hated her, and at the end of the summer when Madeline went off to school, Mother was happy again. She was worried, but more than that she was jealous. I had a beautiful body, and girls wanted it and she was jealous of that. I guess she wanted to be the only woman in my life-maybe even in my bed, although I don't think this was ever a conscious thought on her part.
"One day I happened to be swimming nude because I was hoping-Madeline was going to come over and I liked the feeling of the hot sun on my nuts and my ass and' I was used to it already. I was splashing around in the water when I happened to look up at the sliding glass patio door. Mother was standing in the family room, staring at me. I wondered how long she had been there. I waved, trying to act very natural about it-after all she was my mother! She had seen my cock more than anyone in the world! But it was different now, it was big, bigger than her husband's, perhaps bigger than any man's that she had ever seen, and I think it startled her and gave her a feeling of what she may have missed in life.
"After that day I never again went naked in front of her, but often, when I had my swimming trunks on or walked through the house in my undershorts, she would take a good hard glance at my full crotch.
"I told you my Mother was fucked up! She was possessive and jealous, clawing at me, wanting to hold onto me and be my mother and lover at the same time. I needed' a girl friend, and I was determined to find one. Instead, it almost was the end of me!"
Carey comes from a middle-class Jewish family. He is an only child, and like so many other only children, he is dominated and. smothered by his mother's love.
It has been said that such overprotection and excess of maternal fear over the child's well-being is a uniquely Jewish characteristic. However, in reality, it is a universal trait of normal motherhood. Originally, there is a unity between mother and child. It is a sort of carry-over from the prenatal situation and represents one of the two greatest tasks for the mother. Roheim calls this early mother-child relationship the "dual-unity situation." The second great task of motherhood is to dissolve the dual-unity situation harmoniously-It is true that when the umbilical cord is cut, there occurs a sort of reorganization of the bodily functions in both mother and child. Physically, the direct phase of the mutual interdependence between mother and child is ended with the birth of the child and the expulsion of the-placenta from the mother's body. With the advent of the resultant new dependency relationship, however, comes a very strong maternal-filial tie between mother and child on the emotional level. Helene Deutsch describes this as a "psychic umbilical cord."
In his New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis, Freud also recognizes this unique unity between mother and child. He has this to say about it:
The only thing that brings a mother undiluted satisfaction is her relation to a son; it is quite the most complete relationship between human beings and the one that is the most free of ambivalence.
However, prolonged continuation of this situation will lead to maternal overprotection. This overprotecttiveness is in the last analysis, a defense mechanism on the part of the mother to avoid separation. This defense springs from a deep-rooted fear of loss.
Carey's whole life pattern is witness to the strong overprotection exerted by his mother. Normally, the father adds an element into the mother-child unity situation which discourages it from becoming overly prolonged and excessive. Unfortunately for Carey, his father is a very weak man, and quite passive in his role as head of the household, at least with respect to Carey. He is almost the stereotype of the middle-class American man which has contributed to-or is the result of-the development of the United States as a matriarchy.
Typically, we would expect Carey's bisexual nature to be accentuated. Freud, in his analysis of Leonardo da Vinci, points out:
In all our male homosexual cases, the subjects had a very intense-erotic attachment to a female person, as a rule their mother ... this attachment was evoked or encouraged by too much tenderness on the part of the mother herself, and further reinforced by the small part played by the father during their childhood.
The individual becomes homosexual because a phylogenetic fear of incest makes him identify with his mother in order to diminish her role as his love-object. Thus he would develop feminine characteristics in relation to his sexual objects, seeking for a love relationship, someone like himself (as his mother has) in whose likeness he chooses the new object of his love.
This would have definitely happened to Carey, had he ever reached the genital level of development. He has, however, an even stronger identification with his mother than would the homosexual. Carey is fixated at the oral level of development. He uses, as his method of defense against his desire for his mother, introjection, and has incorporated his mother's personality as his own. It was as though Carey's father had no effect upon Carey at all. Before the incest inhibition even developed in him, Carey had incorporated his mother's personality, as he did her milk. The mother he sees, however, is one who denies him her breast and castrates his father as well. Thus Carey hates both his mother and father, and the result is that he is incapable of having an affectionate relationship. Love does not mean anything to him.
Carey observed his parents having intercourse. This is an almost universal occurrence-if a child doesn't actually see his parents engaged in intercourse, he will fantasize the situation (which is termed the "primal scene"). The primal scene evokes envy of the father for his role with the mother, in the case of the male child, and sexual excitation as well. Carey became sexually excited at this viewing, but was also disgusted in the extreme, interpreting the union as a sadistic encounter. No doubt this was because his mother was assaulting his father, again underscoring his father's passivity. This interpretation of sex by Carey is rather unique, but emphasizes his understanding of the relationship between his mother and father.
Since Carey is incapable of real love-hating his mother and father as he does-and considers the sexual act to be disgusting and sadistic, he naturally has a negative opinion of people, All these characteristics considered, we would expect Carey to be a paranoid individual. And he certainly is.
When Carey's mother saw him swimming in the nude, she was sexually excited, or so Carey said. In reality, since Carey has already been classified as a paranoid type, this sexual excitation was most probably his own, "projected" onto his mother.
Carey's sexual life has thus developed into an identification with his aggressive-sadistic mother whom he imitates when he indulges in sex. His mother was in his eyes, a castrater, hence Carey, who is fixated at the cannibalistic oral level of sexual development, seeks to "castrate" his partners as well. He chooses to engage in sex with women because, firstly, it represents revenge against his mother, whom he can delude himself into thinking he is castrating, and secondly, it provides an opportunity to overcome his intense fear that his mother will castrate him. In this way he is maintaining a semblance of heterosexuality, fixated at the oral level.
In the development of Carey's character, we see a sadistic youth, incapable of manifesting love. Without a father to identify with in a social sense, we can easily anticipate that Carey will become a social pervert, unable to get along in the world ...
"High school ended and it was time to think about going to college. My first impulse was to go to a school as far away as China, just to get away from my Mother. But as I thought about it, the prospect seemed more and more ridiculous-I mean going to college, not China. I had never been the brightest kid in school, which means. I had to work for my grades, and when faced with never having to sit in a classroom again or to begin another four-year stretch, it was an easy choice.
"Although every single person I knew was going on to college, I didn't. My parents were ashamed, or so they said. Hell, it was exactly the opposite-Dad had someone to get into the business with him, and Mother had her darling little boy at her side.
"I worked for Dad-the job was almost too easy-and spent a lot of time doing photography, which has always been my hobby. It was right after high school graduation that I started taking girlie shots of the chicks I met.
"I also work on the chicks, of course, and they work on me. I have a little studio set up in our garage, which is very private. I like outdoor shots, however, and when my parents are gone, I take photos out by the pool. I have, a friend, Jerry, who has a big cock and a great bod, and often we photograph each' other with various chicks we pick up on the Strip.
"We like to take good close-ups of sucking, where you can see the come dripping down the girl's chin or the wetness all over the guy's face from the cunt juice. That really turns me on, and I know it turns on the people I show the photos to. I try specialty photos, like a whole reel of the chick undressing, masturbating, and then bathing. Or a reel of one of us and a girl, doing nothing but sixty-nine. Or, for instance, a 'Golden Shower' reel where the guy and girl do nothing but urinate on each other in various ways.
"But in the middle of this, about two months ago, in walked this chick named Rhoda. She was standing on the corner of La Peer and Santa Monica, hitching
a ride. I pulled over-transfixed by the sight of her great legs under the hot pants. She got in, looked into my eyes, and it was all over!' We were gone on each other and we made a date for the next evening.
"I was expecting to get a good few hours of sex in, but it didn't happen. We were falling in love, I think, although we didn't know it. Suddenly, getting to know each other was the most important thing, and although we were hot for each other, it would have to wait. I went home that first night and beat off four damn times, just thinking what it would be like to eat her!
"Finally, after we felt at ease with each other, I invited her to the house, knowing my parents were going out. I picked her up and we drove to Taco Bell for something to eat, and then went up to the house. Dad's car was in the drive, and I shuddered. 'Damn!'
"'What is it?' she asked.
"'They're still home.'
"'Oh, your mother ... '
"I had told her about Mother. 'Well, Rhoda, let's face the firing squad. After all, they have to meet you sometime!
"We got out of my car and entered the house. My mother decided to change wigs, thus the delay. Dad was furious, and I don't know if he even realized I had introduced him to Rhoda. He grumbled and walked outside to wait in the car.
"Mother came down the steps and stopped halfway down; glaring at the girl who was holding my hand. 'Carey, darling, who is this?' she asked, sounding a little like Bette Davis.
"'Rhoda, Mother,' I said, as she came down to our level. She didn't offer her hand, didn't even smile. She just looked her over and said, 'Charmed.'
"Then she left, pointing out that they' would be home early and reminding me I had to be at work at six in the morning, for inventory or some such silly thing. Dad was blowing the car horn and it was just killing her that she had to leave me alone in the house with Rhoda, whom she thought to be a tramp from the first glance. She thought all the girls I knew were tramps-no one was good enough for her precious son.
"Rhoda and I took a swim-she used one of the suits we kept handy for guests-and thoughts of that first afternoon with Madeline came rushing into my head. I wanted to see Rhoda naked, wanted to touch her and kiss her and run my tongue all over her body, but I still held back, waiting till she let me know she wanted it.
"After the swim, we walked around the house and yard, and I showed everything to her. Then we got to the darkroom, and she wanted to see it. I told her it was locked and no one ever went in there.
"'Why's it so secret?' she asked. 'It's only a hobby.'
"'Well, you see, I do a lot of skin shots and I don't think you'd like to see that.''
"'You're kidding!'
"'Not at all.'
"She paused for a moment and then surprised me. 'I'd really love to see it! I've never known a skin photographer before in my life!'
"She was really excited, almost proud of the fact. As I opened the lock, she told me her brother always kept girlie pictures and magazines around the house and she'd find them in their hiding places and look at them and get excited. 'Women get turned on too, you know, even by photos!
"Burt Reynolds, in' Cosmopolitan, flashed through my mind ...
"I opened the door and turned on the bright overhead light. The room carne into view-stacks of prints, developing chemicals, enlargers, all the shit one needed to be a girlie photog, Rhoda looked around, grabbing picture after picture, staring at them as if they were really blowing her mind-and maybe they were.
"She asked me about many things-who is this? who is he? what are they doing?-and finally stopped dead when she pulled a picture from the bottom of the stack near the fixer. I didn't know what it was, and she wouldn't show me. Her face was red ...
"Finally, I pulled the picture from her grasp, and turned red myself. It was a picture Jerry had taken of me, standing in the yard with my zipper open, cock sticking out hands on hips, looking down at the chick who was approaching me on all fours. Man, it was a great photo-especially because of my being completely dressed with just my dick sticking out and it had been one of my favorites, but I'd had no idea of showing it to Rhoda! I didn't know what the hell to say.
"'Wow, it's-big,' she said, putting the photo down on the counter.
"'Yeah, well you see ... I didn't ... ' I didn't know what to say.
"'Shhh,' she said, placing her hand on my lips, rubbing her fingers over my mouth, 'I think it's time we let our feelings show.'
"She stepped toward me and put her arms around my shoulders. I held her tight and we kissed passionately, wildly moving our tongues in and out of each other's mouths. My cock began to rise against her naked thighs, and my swimming trunks were filled to the point of ripping..
"She pulled her head back and kissed my neck and went down to my hairy chest and licked there. Then she fell to her knees on the darkroom floor and held my buttocks in her hands and pressed her cheeks to my bulging crotch. I placed my hands on her hair and moaned. I couldn't believe it was happening-everything I had dreamed about.
"She placed her lips over the tip of my cock and breathed warm air through the material. It almost made me faint in excitement. I thought I was gonna come right then. I started pushing my trunks down over my ass and finally she lifted her face and helped. My cock was released from the tight elastic band and stood out proudly in front of me.
"'It's bigger than in the picture,' Rhoda said, as she stared at it with love in her eyes. Then she put her hand around it and kissed it gently on the tip as I wriggled the trunks down my body to my feet. I stepped out of them and kicked them aside. I was completely naked, and ready for her loving hot mouth.
"I watched as she moved her lips close and opened them. Her teeth sparkled, and there was a smile on her face as the head of my cock disappeared into her mouth. She damped her lips around the shaft and pressed in with her tongue and teeth and cheeks to completely encase it in warm flesh. I shuddered and flexed my muscles and it jumped in her mouth.
"Then she pulled her head back and started slow movements, up and down the length of it, sometimes biting just a little with her teeth, which sent shivers down my legs. I spread my feet and let her caress my balls as all sensation rose to the tip of my penis.
"'Oh Rhoda, I don't believe this! I don't believe it-don't stop, don't stop!' I practically ordered her! I was in another world and never wanted to leave it. She sucked my cock with such passion and love that it' was almost a new experience for me. It was so much more than just sex. I was on Cloud Nine.
"Then she let it fall from her lips and started kissing around it, in the thick black hair just above it, and down next to my balls where the hair was also very thick and dark. I spread my legs farther and farther as her tongue swirled under my nuts. They shook and moved under her tongue caresses, and each time she went farther, nearing my asshole. I grabbed my balls and held them up, hoping she would get the message and go to my asshole! She licked at the hard spot between my balls and my ass, and slowly let her tongue wander near the hole.
"'Turn around,' she said suddenly.
"I turned around and let my balls drop. I spread my legs and felt her breathing on my asshole. I bent over just slightly and she put both hands on my buttocks and spread them. Then she kissed them and moved her face slowly to the center, to the dark hot opening that so desired her lips.
"'Please, Rhoda, please ... ' I couldn't stand it, I had to have her mouth on my asshole!
"All of a sudden she slammed her lips to my anal opening and pressed ahead with her tongue. I shouted in pleasure and bent even more, forcing the lips of my anus to part and admit the tip of her tongue. Then she released her hands on my buttocks and started lashing at the place with her tongue, sending the tip into my canal with each stroke.
"She brought her hands under my balls, and one grabbed them while the other found my hard cock and began pounding on it. I knew I was going to come; there was no stopping it. I couldn't wait for her mouth, this was too exciting. Her tongue was doing things to my asshole and to my mind I never dreamed possible. I couldn't give up the moment without an orgasm ...
"I shot halfway across the room! Honestly, I wouldn't kid you! She pumped my hard dick till I thought it would break off. Her tongue fucked my asshole like no tongue ever had. I was insane with passion.
"Finally, when she pulled her face from my burning asshole, I stood up and felt her hand release my cock. It flopped against my balls with a wet, slapping sound. The life was gone from it and it pointed to the floor.
"'Rhoda, come here,' I said, turning around, offering her my hand. She stood up and we embraced. Her face was shining from the saliva and her hair was wet with perspiration. I held her tight-her body was shaking-and kissed her neck.
"'I love you, Carey, that's why I wanted to do that-to make you happy.'
"'Man, Rhoda, did you ever make me happy. That was the greatest thrill of my life, believe me!'
"I think she did. She looked into my eyes and gave me a big smile. I asked her if she cared to see my bedroom ...
"'I'd love to get rid of these clothes'-her swimming suit-'and join you in the altogether.' She winked.
"I'd love that too,' I said, leading her from the darkroom. 'Come along.' I didn't even bother to pick up my trunks. My cock flopped before me as we walked across the backyard, to the house.
"We didn't say a word once we were in the bedroom. We were overcome with our new relationship and our love, and all I could think about was what it would be like eating her pussy and asshole. 'She took off her bikini as soon as we entered the room and fell back on the bed, naked before me for the first time. I looked down at her beautiful young body. Her cunt was covered by soft brown hair, her nipples were small and hard. She was exquisite-and I was excited.
"I knelt between her legs and kissed her navel. She stirred and ran her fingers through my hair. 'Oh, Carey, you're so wonderful,' she whispered. There was only a small candle burning-I love candles and her body had a faint golden glow to it, as if she had been carved out of bronze. I looked at her in wonder and desire and moved my lips down to touch the top of her thatch of hair.
"'Oh Carey, eat my pussy!' she called out, lifting her knees in the air.
"'Rhoda, that's just what I'm going to do.' And with those words I dropped my head to her cunt and kissed it. The taste was sweet, bittersweet, like nothing I had ever tasted. The lips were soft and moist and I parted them with my tongue, sliding up and down between them. I kissed and sucked on the hairs around the lips, and moved my tongue farther in, sliding up the canal, up the tunnel of love, tasting the honey that was waiting there for me.
"I helped spread the lips with my fingers, and found her throbbing clitoris and flicked it with my fingers. Then I tongued it, and she shook violently on the bed.
"'Carey, oh my God, Carey!'
"I dug my teeth deeper into her pussy lips and sucked for all I was worth on her clit.
"'Oh Carey, bite it, suck it! Yes! Yes!' She was throbbing with excitement and sexual energy now. She kicked her feet on the bed, bringing them up and slamming them down at my sides. I dug my face as far into her crotch as I could, finding it hard to breathe, loving every moment of it. Her pussy juice was a life giving substance to me: I had to lap it up, to lick it up, to drink it down. I wanted to drink every part of her, to take her saliva and her come and her piss, because I wanted to be part of her, to share her. Fucking never entered my mind. My mouth wag the: only thing I had with which to give her pleasure, as she had used hers on my cock and asshole.
"I lifted her legs in the air and pushed them up over her shoulders to frame her head. I bent down and kissed her, and my cock rubbed against her asshole. I was hard as a rock again, and I was surprised to feel the marvelous sensation on the tip when I moved it over the anal opening. I knew I would be able to have another orgasm! I had been afraid that the climax in the darkroom was all for that day!
"She held her feet over her head as I brought my head down to her cunt again, and her asshole, which was wide-spread before me. I licked her pussy and then moved down ever so slowly to her anus. I lightly tongued it, just enough to send a bolt of electricity through her body.
"'Ahhhhhhhh! Yes, tongue my asshole! Stick your tongue up it! I love you! I love you!' I had never seen her like this, so alive, so excited. I was crazed with the realization of what I was doing to her and I only stuck my tongue out faster and harder than I normally would have. I wanted to do everything double, triple, to make everything more than it was. I wanted my tongue to slide all the way up her asshole and fuck her like a cock would.
"I clamped my lips to the hard opening to her anal canal and shoved my tongue out. It was hard at first, but she relaxed the muscles enough to get the tip of my tongue up her.
"'Make love to my asshole, suck it, fuck it with your tongue! Carey, I love you!' she screamed, so I loud I was sure the people next door could hear her! I bolted my tongue as deep into her asshole as I could and she cried and banged her head on the bed.
"Then she let her, feet drop, and shoved a few fingers up her pussy and masturbated as I licked her asshole again and again, each time just touching the bottom of her pussy lips. She was in ecstasy, and m a moment she was near her peak.
"'I'm coming, Carey, I'm coming!'
"I lapped harder and harder, waiting for it, waiting for her body to shake and rattle and then grow silent in pleasure.
"'I want you to take it, honey! Get ready!' She jammed her hand in and out of her pussy as I still kept licking her asshole.
"'NOW!' she screamed, grabbing my hair, forcing my face to her cunt. My tongue picked up where her fingers had left off and all of a sudden my face was warm and wet, taking a bath in her feminine fluids drowning in her love juices. I sucked and sucked and swirled my tongue over every inch of her cunt until she just gave up and let her body be wracked by sobs. She relaxed and I licked the wetness off her, pussy lips and lay my head on her thigh ...
"We stayed like that for about ten minutes, and then I moved up, into her arms, and we kissed and rolled around on my bed. Our passions were enflamed, once again and I started licking her tits and biting her nipples. She ran her hands over my body and slowly moved her head back down to my crotch: I did the same to her. We were in a sixty-nine position before we knew it.
"I shot my tongue into her pussy and she took my hard cock in her mouth. Each time I bolted my tongue in and out of her crack, she moved down my shaft. Our fingers were playing in each other's assholes, lightly fucking each other there, which enflamed our passions even more. I felt my come building up again, and knew I was gonna shoot another good load down her beautiful young throat. My cock swelled in her mouth, just as her tiny clit hardened under my wet caresses. I held her tight and buried my head between her legs as my orgasm came, almost silently. It flowed from me in long agonizing gushes, filling her mouth to the spilling point.
"It was then I sensed the presence of a third person in the room. You guessed it. Mother dear, watching her son sucking his girl, watching her son's big fat cock shooting its semen into a woman's mouth! Her face was red-purple-and she looked as if she were about to explode. I moved into a sitting position, really stunned. Rhoda was in shock-she was unable to say a word, terrified, and tried to cover herself with the blankets. Come was still visible all over her chin.
"I was about to say something when the scream came. Mother stood there and let out the worst scream I have ever heard in my life! Dad shouted from the bottom of' the stairs and ran up them in time to see me stand up, still with an erection dripping of come, trying to think of something to say.
"'Filth! Filthy pigs, disgusting pigs! Get that slut out of my house ... sucking your thing ... filthy degenerate pig !'Mother was shaking. Dad didn't know what the hell to do or say. I wanted to shout back, but I thought of Rhoda first, and slammed the door in Mother's face and locked it. She stood out there beating on it for a few minutes, calling us all kinds of names, but Dad finally got her away. I think he dragged her down the hall, the one time in all the years I had been alive that he finally exerted some force over her!
"Rhoda broke into tears, and I held her-she was confused. But we talked, and I told her about my Mother and how difficult life was with her, I was determined that she would not ruin my relationship with Rhoda, and although it was my fault for leaving the door open and all, I was glad I did it because it put me in a position of having to be truthful.
"I told Rhoda I was moving out of my parents' house, I told her I was exclusively oral. I told her what my parents were really like. I told her about them fucking obscenely on the living room floor. I told her I loved her and wanted us to have a chance together.
"And we walked out of that house, together, past Mother and Dad. We told them we were in love and that we liked sex and would share all kinds of it. Mother screamed, 'Not in my house!' again and we assured her she was right, never again in her damn house!
"I rented an apartment three days ago. Rhoda is going to live with me and maybe, after the influence of my Mother wears off, we'll even be able to fuck regularly."
Carey is a typical paranoid character, His only hope for recovery depends on his ability to relinquish his identification with his aggressive mother and come to terms with this aggression he has assimilated from her which, as part of him, he projects upon others.
Now that Carey has left home, and his overprotective mother, he has a better chance of being free psychically, however, he takes his parental situation along with him in his unconscious, Because of the intensity and prolonged quality of his relationship with his mother, Carey now has characteristics-paranoia, sadism, cannibalism-which could even develop into real criminal manifestations in his later life.
As severe as Carey's case seems to be, it is not an unusual development. His Jewish upbringing so characteristic of a middle-class American life dominated by a father whose role in life has been restricted to providing, and a mother who tries to find meaning in life through an overpossessive attitude toward her children, created Carey's situation and many others of similar character, fixated at one level of sexual development or another. Carey is not so much typically a Jewish son as he is typically an American boy.
CONCLUSION
Examining the present set of narratives gathered together under a single theme-oralism-one cannot fail to be impressed with the wide-ranging changes in attitude that have led to the current sexual revolution among young people. The general acceptance of oralism and other extra vaginal (or non-genital-to-genital) means of attaining sexual satisfaction has been attested to by the current popularity of marriage manuals and other sources of sex education in which these practices are rather prominently featured.
These changes, bolstered thus by the proliferation of sex education manuals and other educational aids, have led to what many consider a complete reversal of sexual attitudes, as Albert Ellis observes in the Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior:
As we enter the closing phases of the twentieth century, a curious semireversal of the Eastern and Western attitudes toward coitus seems to be taking place. At least, among the highly educated, intelligent, and widely read classes of English-speaking society, an unusually liberal attitude toward extravaginal coital relations has been and is still spreading: so that it may be confidently predicted that by the close of the present century an individual in these classes will be considered neurotically inhibited and to some degree sexually deviated if he does not at times spontaneously and joyously engage in all forms of heterosexual coitus, vaginal as well as nonvaginal.
The objective observer may well wonder what the future holds if this prediction becomes even partially true. How will the eyes of the future look back upon our era of widespread sexual neurosis and psychological conflict? What will they think of the masses of pilgrims wending their way to the offices of psychiatrists and psychologists all over the country? Will even such narratives as the foregoing seem exceptional in their fascination with oral sex? Note that even to Ellis the criterion for sexual health seems to be the exclusivity of nonexclusivity of sexual interest.
It may be then, that there is a gradual relaxation of the more neurotic forms of sexual vigilance working its way through our society and the societies of the Western world in general. It was not so long ago, in Victorian England, that the mention of such parts of the body as the arm or the leg brought shocked amazement at a mixed gathering. The taboos of that period have been relaxed to a substantial degree in the present day. It should not take much imagination to postulate the further alteration of ingrained sexual taboos as the world moves on.
However, even with the relaxation of sexual prejudice and the improvement of scientific and psychological techniques for the investigation of human sexual behavior, it cannot be assumed that topics such as oral sex will be accepted quickly and without reservation throughout the general public. As always, the advancement of knowledge will proceed in slow, steady steps.
