"I taunted, 'And don't forget fucking and sucking, dad. That can get you kind of high, too. And you ought to know!'
"When I said that, he began to slap me with both hands, left and right, right and left, until I finally fell down on the couch. He seemed to go wild. He ripped off my panties and my skirt, then my blouse, leaving me there naked. He took off his own clothes, then stood there, his cock already getting hard, and screamed, 'I'll show you what fucking is, you bitch. I'll give you more fucking than you can handle!'
"Still mouthing obscenities, he spread my legs and began to eat my pussy, and I mean eat. He was using his teeth and his fingernails, almost as if he wanted to tear my clitoris out of my cunt, but it turned me on like I'd never been turned on before, and I began to writhe and moan for more. The more I groaned, the angrier he got, and I was sure he was bringing blood to my cunt with his brutal biting and scratching, but it was making me wild with desire to come.
"I'd had a pretty good dose of heroin, and it hadn't even begun to wear off, and I began to mumble, 'Fuck me, please fuck me."
"That drove him wild, and he stopped sucking my pussy and got on his knees and looked down at me. I must have been a mess, because I just tried to grin up at him and said, 'Fuck me good. I need it. I want it."
"He lowered his body on mine and began to insert the head of his prick into my cunt; but all at once he began to curse and say, 'I can't fuck my own daughter, I can't."
"I coaxed, 'Please, please put it in,' but he just rolled me over so I was lying on my face, and then he moved in and lowered his body and I felt him start to shove it up my asshole! In all the sex parties I had been to, I had never had that happen-at least, if it had, I must have been passed out, and it hurt like hell. If I hadn't been so damned high, I'd have probably screamed, but after a minute, as it began to go in and out more smoothly, it didn't hurt bad, and I just lay there and let him go ahead. He was cursing me and himself all the time he was shoving it in and out of my asshole, and toward the end he stopped and began to make sobbing sounds. When he shot his load up my ass, he just collapsed on me and began to kiss my shoulders and the back of my neck and mumble, 'Please forgive me, Tammi-please. I love you, please, please, forgive me."
"It seemed strange, me ending up comforting him, but that's what I did. He took his cock out of my asshole and I turned over and held his head in my arms, like he was a little boy, and I told him over and over that it was all right-that he hadn't hurt me.
"I still felt giddy from the H, but it was wearing off. I was still hot for some fucking, and I didn't know how to tell him, or turn him on, he was so forlorn and guilt-ridden. So, I just went down on him! I began to play with his cock, and as it started to get stiff, I went down on him, sucking it deep into my mouth and teasing it with my tongue and teeth. He was flabbergasted, but he was helpless to stop me, it felt so good. Finally, when I knew he was about to come, I stopped and told him I wanted to be fucked. This time, he just climbed on top of me and put his cock inside my pussy and began to pump away. He was hitting all the spots inside me that really turned me loose, and all I could think of was to ask him if I was as good as the women he did it with at his swap parties. I don't know why I asked him that.
"I guess he was still half dazed, because he kept saying, over and over, 'You're the best in the world, my little baby-the best in the world."
"It made me feel good to hear him say that, and to have him inside me. I really let go, wiggling my hips and ass, rising up to allow him to go in to the hilt of his cock, and I came twice before he had his orgasm, and then we lay there, half sobbing, half laughing. We didn't say anything. It was as if we were both trying to sober up after a big binge. Finally, he said softly, 'You'd better take care of yourself, Tammi. You know what I mean."
"I told him not to worry, that I was on the pill, and it didn't even seem to surprise him. He got up and went to the bathroom, taking his pajamas with him, and I went to my room and took a shower in my own bath, to try to shake the effects of the pot and the H, as well as the good fucking that I'd just had.
"My asshole was a little sore, but not bad, and, looking back, I felt that it hadn't been too bad that way at all. It gave me a sort of special feeling, that I had been able to make him want me that badly, and when I fell asleep, I felt more friendly toward him than I had in a long, longtime."
* * *
The subject of anal intercourse has been taboo for generations in the United States. In the new sexual freedom, however, which is highlighted by an eagerness to discuss frankly all aspects of sexual relations, analism has been given an airing that will surprise many persons who believe that this sex act is practiced only by perverted sadists or way-out seekers after unique sex thrills.
That analism is widely practiced not only among the new generation who holds with no restrictions, but the older marrieds who have indulged in it secretly for years, is now obvious.
In this book, we are concerned with case histories that will prove fairly conclusively that analism, like many other sex deviations, has its roots in the family structure-namely, in incestuous relationships.
The primary "recommendation" of anal intercourse is the fact that sexual gratification can be obtained by the male, while there is no possibility of pregnancy in the female. That this should be additionally important in the case of incest, is obvious.
As we shall see, this is not the only "attractiveness" of anal intercourse, for medical men are quick to point out that, while the female vagina stretches quickly with constant intercourse, the anus remains fairly tight, providing a sensation of complete friction applied to every tiny area of the penis.
It is also an alluring diversion from the norm, for even though there is little sexual gratification for the female who engages in analism, the emotional satisfaction that most women receive from providing an added sexual thrill for a lover, more than compensates for her own lack of satisfaction.
Finally, there is an outlet for the male in this form of intercourse that is still a subject of controversy among many medical "men and psychiatrists, yet which, according to the males who indulge in this form of sex, with both males and females, holds no mysteries. It is an outlet for the latent homosexuality that resides in all males, and in many cases, the women who submit to analism-or even suggest and encourage it-frankly admit that they, too, feel that this venting of the homosexual is beneficial, just as the performance of cunnilingus upon the female by the male serves to give aeration to the lesbian urge that is inherent in all women.
But it is not the intent of this work to moralize, or to make a point. The purpose is simply to provide the communication channels necessary, so that the reader might digest all the information that can be given, and from it draw his own conclusions.
One point should be stressed: from the hundreds of case histories available, from which this group was chosen, it is obvious that anal intercourse is a common practice in sex relations, and more, it shall continue to be so, as long as the wide variety of motivations for it exist.
Jack Benjamin North Hollywood, California, 1971
CHAPTER ONE
Poor Man's Playground
"I felt Manuel's tongue, hot around the lips of my pussy, licking at the inside of my thighs and rubbing the outer lips, and I reached down and tangled his thick iron-gray hair in my fingers. I pulled his head in closer and spread my legs wide, arching my back up to make it easier for him to shove his tongue in. I wanted it in. I wanted to have it hot against my knob, because I knew it would be better than his finger, or mine.
"He reached up with both hands and spread the lips of it with the fingers of both hands. For a moment, he rolled my clit around between his fingers, and it shot fire up through my belly and down my legs. Then, he bent his head and began to lick it and tickle it with his tongue.
"When I felt his hot, wet tongue going deeper inside it, deep enough to touch the bottom, it seemed, and he put his fingers in also, and began to move them all around inside my cunt, I just went wild. I rolled and twisted, bucked up and down, and in a minute that good, warm feeling spread all over my body. He just kept on licking and sucking and using his fingers, and it was like I just couldn't stop my body from bouncing all over the place in pure ecstasy.
"But I wanted more. I wanted him to tickle my asshole with his tongue and then to put his cock up in my asshole, like Juan had done. I was sort of mixed up, because I knew that his going down on my pussy like that with his mouth and fingers gave me a lot more fun than when Juan stuck his prick up my asshole, but I wanted Manuel to have the same excitement that my brother Juan always got when he ass-fucked me.
"I pushed Manuel's face away from my cunt after a while. It was burning and a little sore from his fingernails digging into it, and his teeth chewing on my clit, but it had been good-really good for me.
"Manuel pulled back, looking into my open pussy and fingering the knob a little, his eyes all shiny and his mouth slobbery with his own spit and the juices from inside my cunt. 'Anna, Anna,' he moaned, 'my little love. My beautiful baby."
"I sat up and smiled at him. I liked Manny-he had always been good to me, from the first day he came to the camp where we were working. He would give me little things.-pieces of his food that he saved, even candy that he bought-hard candy, so it wouldn't spoil. He had begun to feel me up from the first, rubbing his hands on my ass, feeling to see if my breasts were beginning to grow, sometimes putting his fingers up under my dress, rubbing my pussy lips through my rough panties, and when we were completely alone, he would finger-fuck me until I got that good, warm feeling all over.
"So now, I wanted him to have his joy, the same as my brother did, by ass-fucking me. I got on my hands and knees with my ass facing him, and I turned and looked at his black, hot eyes as he lay there looking up into my asshole and my pussy.
"It never dawned on me that he wouldn't want to do it the way Juan did, up my asshole, and I said, 'Manny, put your cock in me."
"He had been rubbing his cock through his pants, and now he took it out. It was bigger than Juan's, I could see, and I wondered if it would hurt. Juan's had hurt a little the first couple of times, but after I had gotten used to it, it never hurt anymore-especially after Juan began to rub vaseline on my asshole and on his prick before he did it to me.
"Manny got up on his knees, his prick standing up straight and tall, and he moved in close to me. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to rub some vaseline on it, but I was too excited at how it would feel, and how I wanted to hear him moan with pleasure as he shoved it up my asshole, so I didn't say anything.
"I felt his fingers playing around with the lips of my pussy, and it made me even more eager to have him ass-fuck me. But instead, I felt his prick beginning to push into my cunt! I was scared, because I had seen how big and hard it had looked, but I didn't say anything. I guess I thought that he was trying to get it slippery from the spit and juice in my cunt, so it would slide up my ass easier, so I just gritted my teeth as it went in deeper and deeper, and he suddenly seemed to go wild-like the dogs Juan and I had seen.
"He began to grab my hips and he bucked in and out, his cock jamming deep into my burning cunt, and I had to scream-the pain was too much.
"When I screamed, Manuel just slapped me hard across the face, then grabbed me again and kept on pushing his prick in and out. I thought he must be hitting my stomach, the burning pain was stabbing so deep into me. I knew I was bleeding, and his prick seemed to slide in and out of me a little easier, but the pain got so bad that I guess I just fainted, at the same time that I felt his hot come shooting into my cunt.
"I wasn't completely unconscious, because I remember him crying, while he used his dirty handkerchief to wipe the blood off my cunt and my legs. He had rolled me onto my back, and I remember that when I finally opened my eyes, he was crying and he had his hands folded and was saying a prayer to the Virgin Mary to forgive him, and praying that he had not hurt me bad. It was a strange sight, Manny there, his cock hanging limply out of his pants, bloody and sticky with his white come, praying to God.
"Then he began to pat my face and beg me not to tell anyone what he had done. He promised anything, if only I would not tell my papa.
"All I could think of was that I was glad that he had stopped hurting me. My body was numb from the shock, and I wondered over and over why he hadn't done it to me like I had wanted-up my asshole. Instead, he had fucked my cunt and made it bleed and burn, and I knew then that I never again wanted it any other way except up the ass, or with a tongue up inside my cunt, softly licking and sucking my clit."
The speaker is Anna Morales (not her true name). She is sixteen, married, and has one child.
Her story may be most typical of the sex events in the lives of the hundreds of Mexican-American families who work the rich harvests of California, Texas, Arizona, and other agricultural states.
The crop-followers are poor. Usually, all the children work, as soon as they are able, and even then, the existence is one of poverty. They move on from crop to crop, and when they leave, there is seldom more than enough money to buy gas or bus tickets to the next job. Their wants are filled daily, and in order to eat the next day, they must work that day. There are never any savings, no permanency, no real hope of security in any form.
Anna was one of nine children, and she frankly tells us that the only recreation or diversion that her people could afford was sex. Sociologists tell us that the prevalence of promiscuity, including all sorts of sex aberrations, among the very poor is almost 700 percent higher than it is among the middle-income groups!
That illiteracy is largely responsible for lives being doomed before they begin, is undeniable. Anna is not an intelligent girl, but because of her early battles with life, her body, and sex, she has come to possess a hard-earned shrewdness, and she survives.
She is married to another "crop-follower," but her husband, who is only twenty, is studying to become an automobile mechanic, and it is their dream for him one day to have a safe, secure job where they can have a permanent home. If the ultimate dream ever comes true, her husband might even own his own repair shop one day, but that seems like too big a dream.
The reasons for there being women who prefer anal intercourse are varied, and they entail deep psychological factors. But among the poor of Anna's people, it is seldom a matter of psychological bent. Rather, it is a simple matter of economics. They just have no means of having normal entertainment, such as movies, dances, television, even reading-since few of them can even read. Thus, sex becomes the norm, when the day's work is over. Because of the largeness of the families, and the close quarters in which they must exist, most take sex for granted as a normal pastime. Theirs is often little more than a pure animalistic approach to it, as a release of tensions, and sometimes, as a means of escaping for a few moments from the utter desolation that is their lot.
We shall pick up Anna's story again in her own words.
"I've never known what it means to have three good meals a day. Sometimes, not even one. My father is a crop-follower. That means he packs up his kids and goes where there is something to be picked-lettuce, cotton, oranges, grapefruit-anything.
"California isn't as bad as a lot of places, because the weather is so good and there is always something ready to be picked, all year round. But for a long time, we roamed all over Texas, picking cotton, or lettuce in Arizona, and usually, when there was no work there, my papa would go over into Mexico and pick tomatoes and other crops, and when we were big enough to work, we did, too. We knew from the time we were babies that if we didn't work, there just wouldn't be anything to eat.
"I don't know where my mother is. My papa only talks about her when he gets drunk, and then he calls her a whore. My older brother knows, but he didn't tell me much except that years ago, when we were working in the San Gabriel Valley, my mother ran away with an American. I think she's somewhere in Los Angeles, but I don't know.
"And it was hard for my father to keep all of us kids eating. My older sister, Consuella, acted as a mother, until she got married, and then my older brothers did what they could to at least feed us and see that our clothes were clean and not too badly worn.
"My brother Juan was the next oldest to me-he was a year and a half old when I was born. Two other boys, born after me, died, and my mother took one of my sisters with her when she ran away. By the time I was old enough to understand about things, there were only five of us left, and I was the only girl.
"Juan was about the only person in the world that I had to talk to, or learn about things from. My father and older brothers were always too tired to do anything but to eat, then drink beer or tequila, and sleep until the sun came up. Juan didn't have to work as hard, and neither did I, because we were so small, and we had a lot of time together.
"I remember as clear as if it were yesterday, the first time I had sex up the ass. Before that, Juan and I had played with each other-I would jerk him off and he would stick his fingers up inside my pussy and rub my clit, but it wasn't really much fun. I got as much fun playing with my own cunt, and I often used to watch Juan, when he didn't know I was watching him. He masturbated a lot, too. In fact, one day, when I was seven, and he was almost nine, he was watching two dogs out under a tree. The rest of the family was out in the fields, and we were getting ready to go back out and work for a few hours. Juan was sitting with his back leaning against the shack, and these two dogs were fooling around, one trying to mount the other one-you know how dogs are-they sort of play games about it, as if the bitch doesn't want it, but then she lets the other one shove it in.
"I could see this one big black dog had a hard on. It stuck out of the fur like a pink lipstick, and he wanted to put it in the other, smaller dog, really bad.
"Finally, he did mount the other one, and I don't know to this day if it was a male or a female dog, and he began to ram it in either the other dog's pussy or asshole.
"His ass was bobbing like mad, and I remember how his long, droopy tail bounced around, and then I noticed that Juan had his cock out and was jerking it like crazy, while he watched the dogs fucking away. The dog underneath was holding still now, and the faster the big dog shoved it in, the faster Juan would jerk his prick.
"It sort of gave me a funny feeling, seeing all that, and I began to finger my own cunt a little. I was in the doorway, and I forgot all about where I was, until Juan must have heard me and turned his head and saw me with my finger up my pussy, working it in and out, getting a good feeling while I did so.
"Juan smiled at me in a silly way, still holding his cock in his hand, and said, 'I wonder if that would feel good if I did it to you, up the ass like that."
"I giggled and said I didn't know, and I still kept on playing with myself. Juan was jerking his cock very slowly now. I guess he had already had that big feeling-his come-even though he couldn't squirt anything out of his prick yet.
"He got up and came over and put his cock in my other hand, while he felt the lips of my pussy through my panties. 'Wanna try it?' Juan asked. He had a funny look in his eyes, sort of hazy and devilish, and I wondered if it would feel good to do it. I squeezed his cock and jerked it a little, and we stood there masturbating each other for a minute, and then he bent forward and kissed me on the mouth. He didn't do that very often, and it made me want to try it. Like I said, Juan was the closest person in the world to me, and I wanted him to have fun for all the nice things he did for me.
"Besides, I had been watching the dogs, too, and it had got me to wondering, so I said I would try it. I asked him how we would do it, and he said, 'Just the way the dogs did. Get on your hands and knees, and I'll shove it in you."
"We went back into the shack and got on the bed that my father and oldest brother slept in because it was the biggest.
"I took off my pants, but Juan didn't take his off. He just let his cock stick out through his fly, and then I got on my hands and knees. Juan spread my ass cheeks and looked at my asshole, and he pushed one finger in it a little. It sort of tickled, and it didn't hurt, and I could see that Juan's cock was hard again, and ready to shove inside me.
"He moved up close to my ass, on his knees, with his cock in his hand, and he began to try to shove it in my asshole, but it wouldn't go in. He began to curse, and then he said, 'Wait a minute-I got an idea.' We had a jar of vaseline on a shelf near the stove, because one of us was always getting burnt on the rickety oil stove, and we put vaseline on burns, bug bites, cuts-anything.
"Juan rubbed vaseline all over the head of his prick and some on my asshole, and then he got up behind me again, and this time his cock began to slide in and out of my asshole, real easy, from the first push!
"I kept remembering the dogs, and how the big one had had his tongue out, and we could hear him panting when he began to go faster, and I wondered if Juan's tongue was out. But I wasn't getting too much fun out of it-at least, it wasn't making that good feeling start in my cunt, so I balanced myself on one hand and reached under me and began to play with my clit, and then it felt real good.
"Juan was pumping away, breathing loud and making funny sounds in his throat, but not saying words, just moaning and groaning, and pretty soon he began to move faster and he dug his fingernails deep into the flesh around my hips as he pulled me tighter to his prick. It felt good, then, and I got excited and really tickled my clit with my fingers, and just when Juan let out a big groan, and then stopped jabbing his cock into me, I got that good feeling, and this time it was better than it had ever been before. It felt so good that I just collapsed on my face, and Juan stayed on top of me, with his little dink still in my asshole.
"We didn't even think it was wrong, it had been so good, and the word incest wasn't even in the world that we knew. That we were brother and sister having sex didn't even enter our thoughts. All we knew was that we had made each other happy for a little while, and to us, it was a great, wonderful discovery-like finding a brand new toy under the Christmas tree.
"We didn't do it any more that day, but we talked a lot about it while we worked side by side in the field, and we decided that we would do it a lot. We told each other how it had felt, and we agreed that it was going to be a lot better for us from now on, now that we had found a new way to get a thrill and give and get some happiness.
"We did it a lot, after that. It is strange, I suppose, but we were so happy with that sex thrill, that it never dawned on us to try anything else. We were dumb, all right, but we were happy.
"I guess I wondered a couple of times how Juan would like me to take his cock in my mouth and suck it, but I was afraid to ask. I didn't want anything to spoil the way things were. It was too big a piece of happiness to take a chance with, and we had so little of anything, much less happiness.
"Why neither of us thought of regular fucking, with his cock inside my cunt, I'll never know, but remember, we were pretty young, and pretty dumb. To us, ass-fucking was a whole new part of life, a good part that we had never dreamed of before.
"Once in a while, on a Sunday when there wasn't any work, a lot of the workers would get some wine, corn, potatoes and beans, and have a big sort of fiesta out under the trees. That was the only time I ever got to be around other kids, outside of Juan, and we would play a lot of silly games, like tag, and hide-and-seek, and red light, and it was good.
"But usually, after it got dark, most of the men would be drunk, and fights would often start if somebody wanted to dance with another man's wife or older daughter, and the day's fun would end up bad. But during those times, I noticed how many of the men would want to grab me and hug me, putting their hands around my ass cheeks, and then sliding their hand up between my legs and feeling my pussy. It made me feel good, and most of all, it made me feel important because I was noticed, so I always let them.
"I liked Manuel from the first night he came to one of the parties. He didn't get drunk like the rest, and he smiled at me all evening, and finally, he brought me over a piece of chicken he had saved from dinner. I ate it while I sat on his lap, and we were in the dimness under a big tree, and most of the men were all in a group, drinking and telling dirty stories, so nobody saw us.
"Manny played with my pussy, fingering my knob, and I could feel his cock getting hard as I sat on it, and moved my bottom around a little, to tease him.
"But he didn't do anything else except, at the end, kiss me on the neck and ears. That gave me a thrill, too.
"After that night, Manny used to walk over to our shack a lot at night after work. He would bring some wine to my father and my brothers, and they all thought he was a fine man. He used to like Juan, too, but I knew it was me he liked best. And he always could make that good feeling come into my cunt, when he played with it. And he was always so nice-kissing me while he played with my cunt, and he brought me food, candy, and other things. Once, he even picked some flowers and brought them over! We cut the top off a tin can and put them in water and they lasted for a long time.
"I used to play with his cock a little, through his pants, and once or twice I opened his fly and played with it with my bare hand.
"I didn't ever think it was wrong, because nobody ever talked to me about what I should or shouldn't do around men and boys. And he made me feel goody! was noticed. He liked me, and I liked him, and that was all that was necessary, in my child's mind.
"Of course, Juan and I still had ass-fucking all the time, and sometimes we would just play with each other and talk about what we wanted to be when we grew up. One thing we used to promise each other faithfully was that we would never be farm workers, I guess, even at that age, ten, when Manny raped me, I still believed that a big knight would ride up and take me away to a big beautiful castle and give me the life of a queen.
"Manny and I began to do a few things different, as I got older. He used to like to have me play with his cock until he shot his white, sticky, hot juice out, and then he would take off my panties and lay me back and use his tongue to lick my legs, my ass-crack, my stomach, and he would always end up by sticking his tongue into my cunt and make me come that way, using his teeth, his lips and tongue, and his fingers.
"What with Juan ass-fucking me, and Manny doing all those other things, I felt I was the most loved girl in California, and life wasn't half as ugly as it had been for most of my life.
"Then came the day when I thought Manny would put it up my ass, but instead, he almost tore my cunt apart with his huge prick when he raped me. I think that it would have been a lot different if he had told me what he was going to do, because I wanted to please him in return for all he had done for me, and I know if he had been gender, and hadn't shocked me so, it would have been a lot different.
"That was the first time Manny had ever put his prick inside me, and it turned out to be the last.
"When he had finished cleaning my poor pussy the best he knew how, and praying for forgiveness, he left.. I was sick, and I couldn't get out of bed next morning, and when my father kept asking me what was the matter, I just couldn't tell him. All I would do was cry and turn over in bed so he couldn't see my face. My cunt was so awfully sore. It hurt me even to move, and when I went to the bathroom, it was torture.
"That night, after work, my father noticed that Manny hadn't shown up as he usually did, and he went to his shack, a quarter-mile away, and came back, mad as I've ever seen him, and told me that Manny had just skipped out. He hadn't even collected his pay he had coming-he'd just left, without a word to anyone.
"My father wasn't too dumb to figure out what had probably happened, and he walked into the shack and over to my cot and threw the blanket off me. I only had a thin nightie on, and it was pulled up around my chest. He spread my legs, took one look at my sore cunt, and slapped me hard across the leg with his hand.
"He screamed, 'You little whore-like your mother! I should throw your ass out."
"I sobbed that Manny had made me do it, and that I didn't know what he was going to do. My father ranted on that I should have bit him, kicked him, spit on him, and most of all, I should have screamed until someone had come to help me. I told him I had, but that Manny had slapped me and I got scared, but my father threw it up to me that I had been teasing the old man for a long time, sitting on his lap, letting him feel me up, rubbing my ass against his cock. He was furious, and later, after he had drunk a gallon of wine, he came over and told me he was sorry, that he knew there was nothing a ten-year-old girl could do to stop a grown man from having her body.
"He got feeling sorry for himself, and he began to cry and blame himself for being a bad father, saying if he were a real man, with a real home, things like this would not happen to his children.
"I was in bed for almost a week, and Juan was as nice as he ever was to me. I told him how it had happened, that I thought Manny was going to shove it up my ass, like he had always done, and that he had surprised me and hurt me terribly when he had shoved it up my cunt.
"Juan was as angry as my father had been at first, but then, when he had cooled off, and I was back out in the fields with him, he kept asking me how it had really felt when Manny had shoved his cock up my cunt.
"I tried to tell him that it had hurt so much that that was all I remembered, but I did tell Juan that if Manny had told me he wanted to do that to me, and had given me a chance to be ready, it might have been a lot of fun.
"But I was still scared, even though I knew it would be different if Juan did it. He would be nice, I knew, because he loved me and I loved him, but my cunt was still very tender, and I hadn't even masturbated all that time, and Juan hadn't even touched me, outside of patting my cheek before he went to work in the morning and when he came home at night.
"I had a lot of time that week in bed to think about what sex was all about. Just remember, I was walking in the dark. Nobody had ever talked to me about it. I was like a young animal, only knowing what I felt in my body about it, and Juan was the same, I guess.
"I did sense, somehow, that grown-ups must do sex things that way, with the man's cock inside the woman's cunt, but I wondered if it always hurt the woman that much, and I knew that if I tried it, it would have to be with someone like Juan, whom I loved and who loved me.
"My father wouldn't even let me go outside when they had the parties, and he seemed to be much more suspicious of all the men who worked with him. He often asked me if anyone came around when he wasn't there, and he asked Juan, too.
"Juan and I had changed somehow, in our feeling for each other, and I didn't know what it was nor why it was happening. I do know that he was very gentle, yet very sexy. He used to brush his cock close to my pussy, holding me and kissing me, and I suppose that he was beginning to feel manhood coming close, because he was more a lover than a playful sex partner, like he'd always been before.
"One night, when there was a party, and I asked if I could go, my father said I might, on one condition. I was not to leave Juan's side for a moment, no matter what. He told Juan that if he took his eyes off me for five minutes, he would beat him with his fists. Juan promised, and so did I, and that night, when all the men were drunk and most of the women were mellow with wine and ready for loving and flirting, somebody brought some guitars and a violin and a trumpet, and there was dancing, right on the bare ground.
"While we sat and listened to the music, Juan and I were in the shadows, alone, and he let his hand slide up my leg and he began to finger my pussy. It had been so long since I'd felt him that close, that I reached out and played with his cock. It got hard quickly, and we began to kiss, with our mouths open and our tongues playing together. It was wonderful to be like that with Juan. I'd been so hurt and sick for so many weeks, and I was all mixed up inside. Juan made me feel that everything was going to work out somehow, because we had each other and we loved each other very deeply. And he was making my body come alive again. I wanted to feel him inside me, and this time I wanted his cock in my cunt, the way most people did it.
"We got up and walked into the soft night, between long rows of grapevines that were bursting with ripe fruit, and I lay down in the soft dirt, after sliding my panties off, and spread my legs out wide. There was a bright moon, and I could see the gleam in Juan's eyes as he took out his cock and got down between my legs. 'Fuck me the other way, Juan,' I said softly. 'Put it in my cunt."
"My body was aching for it, but my mind was still all messed up with Manny and rape, and the look in my father's face when he had looked at my sore cunt, and when Juan lowered his body down onto mine and I felt his prick begin to go into my cunt, I froze into a rigid block of icy flesh. I couldn't let him do it, and I wanted to so badly!
"I began to shake like a leaf in the wind, and Juan seemed to know what was going on inside my heart and mind, because he just put his cock away and held me in his arms until I stopped sobbing. Then we got up and walked back to where the dance was going on, and sat down in the shadows and listened to the music and the laughter.
"We didn't talk about it, but we both felt a big love present all the time and somehow knew that it wasn't tied up with childish sex as it had been. It put a big space between us, yet at the same time it made us closer than we'd ever been before. We didn't touch each other's genitals, but when we kissed there was all the tenderness in the world in our bodies.
"It was almost six months after that when my papa got drunk and tried to rape me. It was at one of the dances, and he'd been drinking all day and fooling around with some fat young girl all night. She had laughed at him and called him an old man, and he got mad and pushed her and stalked off, grabbing me by the hand and hauling me along. Juan was still there, trying to learn some guitar chords from an old man, and Jose, my oldest brother, was dancing with a pretty young girl of about seventeen. My other brother, Danny, was working a few miles up the valley and wasn't at home with us.
"So, when we got to the shack, there was only my father and I. I was tired. I hadn't felt close to Juan that night, nor he to me, and I just took off my dress and climbed into bed, hardly remembering that my father was there with me. He had stood staring at my naked body as I slipped out of my panties, and I think it was the first time he had noticed that my breasts were beginning to swell out and take shape. The nipples were already pink and fairly large, and my breasts were like two tiny ice cream dips with little cherries on top.
"He poured himself some tequila and came over and stood beside the bed, staring at me. He slugged down the tequilla and set the glass on the floor and sat down on the bed.
"I was frightened, but I didn't dare say anything. I had seen, back at the party, that he was in a mean mood. I had noticed when he was dancing with the young girl, that he had a hard on. It showed through his pants. Now, he pulled back the cover and stared at my naked body. He reached out and felt my breasts, then he looked down at my crotch and saw the sprinkling of black hair that was showing.
"'How old would you be, Ann?' he asked, his hand on my breast. I told him I would be twelve the next month. He seemed to hesitate, fighting a little battle within himself, and then he said, almost fiercely, as if to convince himself, 'You're ripe and ready to pick."
"He stood up, slid his pants off, and his shirt, and got back onto the bed. 'You're ready for fucking for sure,' papa said, and I could see that his cock was already getting hard. I was feeling very strange. I was fascinated by the thought of having him shove it into me, but terrified that he would be as ugly and rough as Manny had been, or that I would freeze, like I had when Juan had wanted to fuck me.
"He began to knead my breasts with both his hands, digging his fingertips into the flesh deep, and in spite of the slight pain, I did begin to feel my pussy getting damp and tingly, and when papa took one hand off my breast and bent over and began to suck my nipple, while with his other hand he cupped my cunt, putting a lot of pressure in his touch, and one finger slid inside and began to massage my clit, I felt I wanted his cock inside me, and I knew that it wouldn't be like it was with Manuel.
"I began to move my body about, and when papa changed over and sucked and nibbled at my other nipple, I moved my hips so that I could make his finger rub harder against my clit. He began to suck hard, and his fingers moved across the lips of my cunt, while his finger massaged my knob wildly, and when I began to gasp and pant, he stopped doing both, crawled beside me, his cock in his hand, and started to spread my legs so he could put it in me.
"And all of a sudden, he was Manny, all over again! I was frightened into a sort of shock, and I began to plead. It was almost as if it weren't me talking, as if somebody else was putting the words in my mouth. 'Papa,' I begged, 'please don't do that to me. I'm so scared-please. I'll do anything you want, only don't put it into me! Please-put it in my asshole, please-'
"Papa stopped, staring at my face, wondering where I had ever heard about ass-fucking, I suppose. He looked down at my wide-open cunt I know he could see a glimpse of my asshole, and he licked his lips.
"Then he suddenly rolled me over on my stomach, spread my legs wide, and moved up between them. He lowered his body down on mine, and I felt his cock's tip begin to massage my asshole as he moved it about with his hand. Then it began to slide in, and even though I was used to it, from Juan, papa's cock was much bigger and it hurt just a little. But my fright was fading. This seemed more right to me, and I knew that it would be good for papa. I arched my back up so he could get it in farther, and as it began to slide in and out easier, I became much more relaxed. I even slid one hand down between my legs and began to masturbate, and as papa plunged his cock into my asshole, deeper and faster, I rubbed and pinched my clit faster and harder, and when I felt his hot juice shoot deep into my asshole, I came. I actually think it was the best come I'd ever had, but maybe that was because I was just turning into a woman, in my body.
"Papa was like a rabbit. I don't think he even stopped. When his jism shot up into me, it made it a lot easier for his cock to slide in and out, so he just kept jabbing my asshole, and inside a couple of minutes I felt him come again.
"Finally, he had enough-and, in a way, I guess, I did too.
"Papa leaned his whole weight on me and growled into my ear, 'You little whore, if you ever tell anybody I did that, I'll cut your fucking cunt into pieces. I'll kill you! You hear me!'
"Then he crawled off me and went to the bathroom and came out and got into his bed, without a word. In a few moments, he began to snore drunkenly, and I lay there until Juan and Jose came home, thinking about my own feelings while I had been ass-fucked by my own father!
"I didn't feel bad. I had had a good come, and, like I said, I was so love-starved and so damned dumb about all the sex laws and rules, that the only standard I had to judge it by was, how it had felt to me. And, I concluded, before I went to sleep at last, it hadn't been so terribly bad.
"After that nightTpapa began to drink awfully heavy, and about twice a week he would manage to get Juan and Jose out of the shack for an hour or two, and he would ass-fuck the hell out of me. After a while, he began to suck my pussy, and a little later, I sucked his cock. After that we just used to have mouth sex, sometimes in the sixty-nine way, other times, ass-fucking or one or the other of us would just use our mouth on the other.
"We never talked. We just did it, like two animals. There was never any live words, or anything-just sex. And as time went by, Juan began to ask me to let him do it to me. I did, of course, but there was something different between us now. I found out later that he knew about papa and me-he had watched us one night through the window, and he was hurt because I hadn't told him, and because I wasn't giving him any loving for such a long time.
"I felt sorry for him, and after a while I let him ass-fuck me and I even sucked his cock, but it was almost like with papa-there wasn't any soft, loving feelings anymore--just suck, ass-fuck, and that's all.
"Then Juan began to go to see a girl at another camp. He was fifteen, and he began to stay out until daylight some nights. I don't know how he had the strength to work the fields the next day, but he managed. And we didn't talk much anymore, either.
"When he was sixteen, Juan just left one night and never came back. We heard later that he was working in Texas, and that he had his girl with him and that she was going to have a baby. That's the way most families break up when they are crop-followers-they just disappear and drift or run away.
"That's how I did it, too.
"I met Jesus while we were working lettuce in Arizona. He was eighteen and I was fifteen, then. We talked while we worked side by side, and he was different than any person I'd ever known. I think I loved him the moment he smiled and told me his name. A lot of the younger men, and even more older ones, were always making dirty remarks to me when they met me in the fields, and it was always about fucking or sucking-never anything about love, marriage, babies.
"But Jesus Morales told me he loved me, after the second day, and it was that way all the way. He told me he wanted to make something of himself, marry me, have children, live a life like we'd both dreamed about. And in all the days we were together, all he ever did was kiss my hand! He never touched my breasts or pussy, but he would make love to my body with his eyes and with his sweet smile.
"One day my father spotted us talking and he came up and told Jesus to stay away from me, or he'd get his ass cut off. My father was jealous, from the first time he'd ever had sex with me, and he watched me closely while we were at work. Jesus surprised my father by telling him that he loved me, and was going to ask me to marry him. I thought papa would hit him, he was so furious, but instead, he just warned him again to stay away from me and not to try to see me when we weren't working.
"Jesus asked me right then, as papa got out of earshot, if I would marry him, and I said I wanted to more than I'd ever wanted anything in the world.
"He told me he was an orphan, and that he had been saving his earnings for two years, so he could go to a school and study how to repair automobiles, and that he had almost five hundred dollars saved!
"So, we just left. Jesus got bus tickets for L.A., and we got a two-room apartment right away, and he went out and got a job as a busboy in a restaurant, and I took a job as a waitress in the same place.
"We went to Tijuana the first weekend and were married. I wanted it to be in a church, but we just didn't dare take a chance then. Someday, Jesus has promised, we will be remarried in a church, but I don't care anymore. I'm too happy. We have baby Maria, and each other, and my Jesus will soon be making good money as a mechanic and we can have a nice home. That's all we want, really-a chance for a decent home and a different life for our babies than we had.
"Jesus sent word by a friend of his, who knew my father and brothers, to tell them if he saw them that we were married and happy, and that if any of them wanted to come and visit us, as relatives and friends, they would be welcome. I loved him for that He has no family, and we would like my father and brothers to accept us as part of their family, but if they don't, then we'll still be happy.
"Of course I never told Jesus about Juan, or papa, but I did tell him about being raped by Manny. And he is so kind and understanding. That is why we often do have what you call anal intercourse, but I still call ass-fucking, and Jesus has come to enjoy it as a sort of added way to make love.
"I had no problem in giving myself to Jesus for straight cunt-cock intercourse. It just came natural, because he was so sweet and gentle. He acted as if I were giving him the greatest gift on earth-my virginity-which, except for Manny, is the way it was. He was the first and only man who has put his prick inside my cunt with love in his heart, and love for him in mine, and that is the way it will be forever.
"I am not one to give advice, but you did ask me if I had anything to say to any married women about ass-fucking, so I will try. To me, it is not a dirty thing, but another way to tell my man, 'Here is my body-my whole body-to use in love, and for love, as it pleases you, because you have my whole love."
"There is pleasure in ass-fucking for me only because my husband enjoys me that way. Oh, I can have a good come, sometimes, because Jesus uses his finger in my cunt while he is penetrating my asshole, or I masturbate while he is doing it, but my real joy is to know that my man loves me completely, and isn't ashamed of the ways he loves me.
"We often suck each other off, but usually that is only the beginning of sex. After that, we try it other ways. And there is this: I am a Catholic, and I believe with all my heart that the Church is right in saying that it would be a sin to have an abortion, because a life is killed. So, I cannot take birth-control pills, and I try to use the rhythm method that the Church approves of. But we have almost unlimited sex because we can kiss each other's genitals until we come, or we can have anal intercourse, and either of those things are wonderful for us, with no chance of me becoming pregnant.
"Oh, after my Jesus is a car mechanic, and we have a little home, we want children; but now, our Maria is enough. We wanted her, and we will want the others, and when all this has come true, we shall still want each other in the same sexual ways that we do now, because, as it was in the dreary fields of so many places, sex is the one bright beautiful thing that can make the sun shine into our lives."
Anna does not seem to have been emotionally scarred by the brutal aspects of her initiation into sex, and it may well be that because of the deep love she had for her brother, Juan, she came to accept anal intercourse as a normal, even healthy relationship.
In desperation, she gave herself to anal sex with her father, because of her fear of "normal" intercourse after her harsh experience with a rapist.
Talking to this girl, it became apparent that there may have been yet a deeper psychological reason than she even guessed. She is a deeply religious, if uneducated, girl, and somewhere deep in her heart she must have wished to present her one-day husband, whoever he might be, with a virginal body which, in her thinking, meant an untouched vagina and hymen. That she was denied this, does not seem to have spoiled the beauty of her gift to Jesus, her husband, and it is a healthy sign that she has not carried any apparent sex hang-ups concerning oral or anal intercourse, into her marriage.
The prospects of a continuing happy marital and sex relationship for them seem to be extremely good, and it is with deep gratitude that the author thanks both for their account for this study, and wishes them all the happiness they both so richly deserve.
CHAPTER TWO
The "Sex-Kick" Virgin
"I knew when Ken slapped me across the face and told me that I was going to get a 'cock sandwich' that I was in for a wild sex kick, but I didn't know it would be as kinky as it was. Ken didn't tell me it was going to be a three-decker cock sandwich, where I'd be taking sexual care of three guys at the same time.
"A lot of square people wouldn't even think that it is possible, I suppose, but it is. Here's what happened.
"Ken was the leader of the Hotshots of Hell, the motorcycle gang I ran with, and he had finally told the guys that I was going to be his woman until he had broken me into his pattern; then, I was fair game for any of them who wanted me, provided he said it was all right.
"I'd enjoyed sex with Ken. He really dug it. He swung both ways-he'd blow a guy while he was fucking me, and that multiple sex thing is as big a turn-on for us young ones as the wife-swapping bit is for the old folks.
"Ken had fucked me in the mouth, up the ass, and in about fourteen different positions in the cunt, but I had never had any part of any gang bangs. That was one of the privileges the leader had-any newcomer was 'his woman' until he released her for general loving to the gang. And I had noticed that in the last two days, since Lauri had joined the bunch, Ken was paying a hell of a lot of attention to her and none to me.
"I was just hung up on sex, and I didn't much care how I got it-in the pussy, the mouth, up the ass or any other way they ever invented; but I liked it best when a guy was sucking my cunt and I was sucking his cock, and he was working a finger up my asshole at the same time. There's something about having a guy's prick in your mouth, his hairy balls hanging in your face, and the sight of his brown shit-hole so close, that really turns me on good. And when a guy really does a good job of pussy licking, using long strokes with his tongue, he catches your asshole every stroke, and you get that old lick job from back to front. If you're sixty-nining, the guy can use the tip of his nose on your asshole, and that's a real gas.
"Anyhow, I was beginning to sizzle over Ken and this new chick-she was a lump, anyhow, nowhere near as pretty or shapely as I was, but she was getting the big attention from Ken, and I didn't like it. When I don't like something, I speak out about it, and that's when Ken hit me.
"I had walked over to where he was standing with this dame, and I said right out, 'Butt your ass out, baby, Ken's mine."
"Ken didn't even look at me, he just backhanded me a good one that sent me staggering. Then he came after me and grabbed me by the tit and said, 'What you need is to learn who's boss around here. You're Ken's if Ken says you are, not if you say so. What you need to show you how this gang is run, is a good cock sandwich. Duke! Redeyes! Let's go!'
"He threw me down on the ground and took my jeans and blouse off and tossed them away. Meantime, Duke and Redeyes took off their jeans and began to masturbate until they both had good hards. Ken took his pants off, and he already had the beginning of a good stiff. He could get one on sometimes, I think, just by slapping a woman around pretty good. He was a sadist and a masochist and a damned good fucking man, all wrapped up in one, and I was pretty hung up on him, even though we'd only been together a couple of weeks.
"When Duke had his cock all hard and stiff, he looked at Ken. 'Take the bottom!' Ken instructed him, and Duke laid down on the ground beside me. Ken cracked me across the ass, but not too hard, and said, 'Get on top of Duke.' I was beginning to get a little scared, but at the same time, excited. Sex with two or three watching is a kick enough in itself, but sex with two or three guys looked to me as if it might be really groovy, so I crawled on top of Duke and positioned myself so that he could shove his cock up inside me. He began to fool with my pussy, playing around with the clit and the lips, and then he began to shove it up in me. He had a real donger, too, and I was just beginning to bear down and get with it with him when Ken stepped over and slapped me on the ass again and said, 'Hold it, bitch. Wait for me. I said this was a cock sandwich!'
"He got on his knees, moving up close to my ass, his cock in his hand, and then he climbed aboard! He spread my ass cheeks with one hand and he rammed his prick up my ass with the other, and I tell you, it was like having a whole body stuffed with hot, stiff pricks!
"When Ken began to pump his prick in and out, Duke picked up the action with my pussy, and it was as if my whole bottom half was being fucked!
"Ken nodded to Redeyes and he came over, sat down on his ass, near Duke's head, still playing with his cock with one hand, and then began to wriggle his ass forward so that Duke's head was between his legs, and if I stretched a little, I could get his cock in my mouth.
"'Suck it!' Ken commanded, giving me an extra hard shot up the asshole with his cock. I inched up so I could get Redeyes' prick in my mouth; then I began to suck it. Meanwhile, both Ken and Duke were pumping away, and man, talk about total sex! That was the most
"I didn't know it then, but that 'cock sandwich' was the signal to the gang that I was wide open from there on, that Ken had 'dumped me.' His new fuck, Lauri, had the inside track, and I was the property of anybody in the gang that wanted me, and if anybody wanted to latch on to me they had to 'stake a claim' and then be ready to fight for me against all comers. I had no say in the whole deal. Whoever wanted me and could hold me was my lord and master. Even then, if other members of the gang just wanted me to be a 'gang mama' I was anybody's lay, anytime.
"It wasn't as bad as it sounded, though, because the guys took care of the broads when it came to food and clothes and a place to stay. We were making our headquarters at an old abandoned house near Los Angeles at the time. The place had been washed off its foundation by a flood a year or so ago, and the owner had just packed up and moved out. It was in a secluded, steep canyon, and nobody bothered us at all. There were a few hippies that sometimes lived there, but they had drifted away gradually, and now we had the joint to ourselves. There was plenty of wood around, and the owner had left an old iron woodstove, so we didn't do bad.
"Some of the guys had part-time jobs, and the rest stole or bummed food and money. It was a big adventure for a fourteen-year-old, and I was having a ball. I knew my parents must be worried sick, but they had asked for it. They were fuddy-duddies who thought that a girl shouldn't even date until she was eighteen, nor wear lipstick or minis-real squares. At least, I know my mother was, but I also knew that my old man was a hypocrite of the worst type.
"He went to church all the time with my mother, but I know he was screwing on the side, and the old bastard even used to try to cop a feel on me when she wasn't around. I knew he was also sneaking off to fuck his best friend's wife, when he got the chance, and in the face of all that, I was supposed to be a real good-good Sunday school kid?
"Hell, I was trying pot when I was twelve, and I had been finger-fucked by the boys and a couple of the teachers at school for years. I was thirteen when I popped my cherry, and it was with a forty-year-old man!
"But what I'm explaining is that it was their fault I had run off with Ken in the first place. If they had been normal, and let me have dates like the other kids, I'd have probably done all right. I don't say I wouldn't have screwed, but I'd have acted different about it, and I wouldn't have ended up with a case of syphilis, at least!"
The speaker is Billie J., now seventeen and an inmate of a home for incorrigible juvenile delinquents. She is recounting a sordid story that is far too typical of many of the young girls of today who begin an active sex life when they are not yet in their teens and who often end up as dope addicts or prostitutes.
Her case was chosen for two reasons: she gives a brief but comprehensive look into the life of a motorcycle gang, and another brief look into the ways that are open for a young schoolchild of today to be drawn into a vortex of narcotics and sex.
Most important, Billie offers a very good look at an unusual reason for engaging in anal intercourse, and her story reveals a lot about the true cause of sexual promiscuity and drug use among the young: parental unconcern or inability to cope with their young and, in many instances, actual abetting of their children's willfulness.
Billie is hard to analyze, for she came from a fairly respectable home (which is why her case is so typical) where she had all the comforts of life, but where she felt she was being smothered by too-strict rules.
The psychologists at the institute where she is confined until she reaches maturity, have made little progress in rehabilitating this girl. She is determined to return to a life of sexual freedom which, in her thinking, is actually sexual license, and authorities know that a lot of young girls with this attitude end up as call girls or prostitutes. Billie is at present an attractive young woman, but many prostitutes begin that way. As they dissipate quickly, their beauty fades, and where they had once earned $100 a day with no trouble, they often, at age twenty-five or thirty, cannot earn that in a month.
This comment was caused by the casual manner in which Billie admits that she had experimented with "pot," or marijuana, at a very early age. She then progressed to heavier narcotics, as we shall see from her account.
"That same night, Ken took Lauri and made her go through the usual shit that they want a girl to do to prove that she is able to keep the gang sexually happy. She had to go down on Ken, first, then let him fuck her in the ass, and any other way he could think of.
"But that night, so many of the other members had been waiting to get at my cunt and mouth that it turned into a sex orgy. I guess I must have been ass-fucked five times, and at least ten times blew guys, and how many times I was straight fucked I don't know. Somebody broke out some heroin, and I took the route, so I don't really know a lot about it.
"I know that Ken was fucking and sucking Lauri, and after the cock sandwich I'd had, I got madder and madder at him. And the sonofabitch wouldn't even pay any attention to all the sucking and fucking I was getting and giving!
"But that must have been the night that one of the syphilitic bastards got it to me, because it was only two days later that I went back home, and I didn't have any fucking in that time.
"The hangover I had from fucking and drugs the next day was murder, and when that lousy Redeyes woke me up and wanted me to fuck, I just blew my stack. I spit in his face, and he beat the living shit out of me. He bloodied my nose, cut my lip, and blackened both my eyes, and not a one of them that was there lifted a hand to help me. In fact, some of them cheered him on and told him to put me in my place for good.
"Well, he did. I walked all the way down to the highway and hitchhiked a ride into L.A. I didn't know how I stood with the police or my parents, so I called my dad at work. He was so glad to hear from me that he cried, and he took off work and came in the car to pick me up. When he saw my battered and swollen face, he almost cried again, and he stopped at the doctor's office to have me patched up.
"We didn't talk much on the way home, but he got the message across that he had been having a battle with my mother over what to do with me when and if I came back. She had notified the police and told them she was certain that I had not been kidnapped, but had gone away with a man, and she insisted that when I came 'dragging home,' as she put it, I should be put into a home for delinquent girls.
"But he said we would work it out, that he was still the boss in the house, and he even gave a little pat to my pussy and squeezed my breast when he kissed me to reassure me it would work out all right.
"But it didn't, because what we didn't know was that I had a case of syphilis! It didn't show for a while; at least, I didn't feel any irritation, and when I began to get itchings in my pussy, and then a rash, I was scared to tell anybody. But after it began to really bug me, I went to the school nurse. She was a sharp cookie, and she called the principal and they made me go to my own doctor. They suspended me until they had a report that I was all right, and that blew the whole deal wide open. I guess the whole community knew that Billie had a venereal disease, and the kids in the neighborhood stayed clear of me as if it were leprosy.
"My mother was a block of ice. She wouldn't even talk to my father for days when he told her that they were my parents and would stick by me no matter what.
"I didn't know then how my father felt about me. Later, I began to understand his ideas about me. He figured that if I was putting out to a bunch of young hell-raisers, I should put out for him; but he was scared silly of the goddamned disease I had. He wanted to screw me, but he knew that it would be a dead giveaway if he came up with a case of syph, and he was in a real sweat about it.
"I was so goddamned lonely, cut off from the other kids, not being allowed to go to school, that I would have run away again if I thought that anyone would have me around. Instead, I found that the only one who would talk to me, or who seemed to care, was my father.
"He was kind to me-better than I deserved, I suppose, even though he did have his own ideas about getting some pussy from me.
"I was under treatment for the syph, and I tried to keep up my schoolwork by studying at home, and it was rough. Worst of all, I was filled with hate for the bastards who had put me in this mess, even though I had to admit to myself that I had brought it on myself. I just had to talk to someone about all the things that were seething inside me, and my dad was the only one who cared to listen, for whatever reasons.
"He was really interested in what had happened, right down to the tiniest detail of every sex act. He used to get all excited and sweaty when I would talk about it, and I could see his pants bulge out when his prick would get hard as he listened and asked more questions.
"He began to talk to me about his sex life with my mother. He told me that he had never had any other position with her than with him on top, and that although she would sometimes let him suck her cunt she would never take his cock into her mouth. He told me that all his married life he had wanted to have her suck his cock, and most of all, he had wanted to shove his cock up her asshole and ass-fuck her until he came.
"One Sunday morning while my mother was at church, he came into my bedroom when he heard me getting ready to shower. He had stopped going to church completely after he and my mother began to be so cold with each other over me. Of course, she didn't want me to go, for it would only humiliate her.
"Anyhow, my dad was in his shorts, and he walked in just as I was taking off my baby-doll pajamas. I was standing there naked, looking at my body in the mirror, and he just stared at me, up and down, a hungry, openmouthed look on his face.
"It gave me a kick to see how impressed he was with my breasts and my nice round ass, and the nice-shaped pelvic area I had. I was a natural blonde, and the hair around my cunt was light and fine and golden, and it showed the lips of my pussy clearly. I just stood there, turning slightly, this way and that, enjoying the look in his eyes, and the way his cock began to get hard.
"The real truth is, I was pretty starved for some sex myself, and I had come to have a special feeling for my father, since we had become much closer through our talks and through his kindness to me. I had no intention of teasing him. I wanted him to have me, and I was waiting for him to make the first move.
"He walked up behind me and put his arms around me from the back, his hands going around my breasts, cupping them, while his cock shoved hard against the crack of my ass. It really made me feel hot, and I turned in his arms and threw my arms around his neck and kissed him, shoving my tongue deep into his mouth. He returned the kiss, and his hands went around the cheeks of my ass and I moved my hips, rubbing my bare cunt against his hard cock in a dry fuck.
"He began to moan. 'Billie, Billie, I need you, I want you, I have to have you.' He kissed my eyes and ears and neck, then bent and began to kiss the nipples of my breast. It was such a contrast to the hard, quick, sexy love of the young guys I knew, that it really turned me on. I could feel that dad actually did love me, besides wanting my body, and it made me respond in the same way.
"I said, 'I want you, too-every way, but what can we do? I'm still taking those treatments."
"He pushed me back and looked into my eyes, with his need for me showing clearly. 'Will you suck it for me, honey?' he asked. 'Or-let me put it in your ass?'
"For my reply, I just pulled him close and kissed him, then I moved back, bent down and took the head of his cock in my mouth and tickled it with my tongue.
"'Let's shower together.' I smiled, and I yanked his shorts down around his knees, then ran into the bathroom. He followed me, naked now. He adjusted the water in the shower so that it was nice and warm, and we got in. He soaped me all over, running his fingers inside my pussy and massaging my breasts with suds, and I rubbed soap all over his body. There was something special in the way we touched each other, and I guess it was love. I know that his touch excited my body all over, and the feel of that nice warm water splashing over us seemed to wash away all the dirt or the fears we may have felt.
"When we got out, it was the same when we dried each other's body. It made me feel warm and clean and good, and I wanted to be made love to in any way that dad wanted. When we went into my bedroom, I was as ripe for loving as I'd ever been in my whole life.
"I got onto the bed and he followed, and I pushed him back on the pillows and began to play with his cock. I ran my hands all over his stomach and balls, while I masturbated him a little, kissing the head of his prick as the soft skin rolled back with my stroking. When he began to roll and beg me to go further, I finally settled down on my stomach between his legs and licked his cock up and down, licking his balls and his thighs, nipping the shaft of his cock with my teeth, driving him into an ecstasy of sexiness.
"Then I took it into my mouth, sucking and using my teeth to nip it gently, liking the feel of it as I made it go deeper into my throat until I had it all inside my mouth. He had propped himself up on his elbows so he could look down and watch his cock going into his daughter's mouth, and I got a kick out of the look in his eyes as I plunged it in and out, faster and faster.
"I made him come quickly, and when he shot into my mouth, I swallowed and kept on going. I never let his cock go soft. After it was good and hard once more, I stopped and asked him to kiss my breasts and get me ready for anal intercourse.
"He was a wild lover. He kissed my breasts, under my arms, the inside of my thighs and the long length of my spine, winding up by sticking the tip of his tongue into my asshole, working it in and out while he dug his fingers into the flesh of my thighs and my ass. It was like no other loving I had ever had. I suppose younger guys are in too much of a hurry to get their rocks off to take the time to wake a woman's body up like dad did, and it was thrilling for me.
"At last, I begged him to put it inside my asshole. He positioned himself between my legs after I got on my hands and knees and began to shove it in, slowly and gently, almost cramming it in with one finger when my tight asshole didn't expand enough. I was dry, but inside a minute it had begun to slip in and out, and after two minutes it was going in and out as easily as if it were in my hot, wet pussy.
"He grabbed my hips and I moved them about in a slow, circular motion, to help him, and pretty soon we were like a well-oiled machine, with his piston going in and out of my ass in a steady rhythm that increased all the time. I reached down and began to massage my clit, and as dad began to tell me how he adored me, how I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever known, the fires began to build in me so that when he shot his load up my ass, I had my orgasm, big, wild, and thrilling-as good as I had ever had in any position!
"Dad kept saying over and over, as he lay atop me, his softening cock still inside me, 'Oh, God, oh, my God, you're beautiful. I love you, Billie, I adore you. I've got to have you all the way-everyway."
"I felt the same way, with all my heart and soul. My body was crying for him to fill it, to fill my cunt with his prick, to have his mouth sucking my cunt-and it wasn't possible. We had to settle for what we could have, until the day when I was completely clean.
"We lay in each other's arms, feeling wonderful, yet sad, and consoled each other with our naked bodies and our kisses as we promised to love each other only, always, and be happy with what we could have-my being able to suck his cock and being able to have anal intercourse, until the day came when we could go all the way, fulfilling each other's needs in every way a man and a woman possibly could.
"I guess we were both pretty dumb, because neither of us thought about using a condom. In this modern day of easy sex and the pill, it is understandable that we didn't think about the old-fashioned 'safety' as the answer to having full fucking.
"But for weeks, we did it those two ways. I would suck his cock until he came, then we would have anal intercourse. But it became very good. Dad claimed that it was the most wonderful orgasm he ever had, either way I took care of him, and when he ass-fucked me and I masturbated, it was really exciting. I always came, and as we learned more about what sensations the other experienced, by talking) about it frankly, we worked out a position where I laid on top of him, or sat on top of him, facing away, while he put his cock up my asshole. He had his hands free to massage my clit and my breasts while he was jamming his prick into my asshole.
This was extra good for me, and we could make it last for a long time as we learned each other's movements and the pace we liked to keep.
"We had no problems with my mother. She was buried in church activities almost every night-Sewing Circle on Tuesday, Prayer Meeting on Wednesday, Choir Practice on Thursday and Visitation Night Fridays, and, of course, Sunday was practically all day at church. So, we had plenty of time to love.
"We built it into a regular love ritual. We would strip, shower-sometimes we would have anal intercourse in the shower, and that was always fun-and then we would go to bed and make love. Often, we would use their bed, and that seemed to add a little spice to the doing, knowing that we were having sex right in the bed where they did. It was sort of a spite move, and we never talked about it, but I know that my dad felt the same about it as I did.
"It was funny, the way the 'safety' thing came about. I was having a hamburger at the joint when Ken came in. I froze inside. I hated the sonofabitch, and I turned my face away. I wanted to leave before he saw me, but he came over and sneered down at me. 'Hi, sore cunt. Haven't seen you around the big boys. Can't take it, huh?'
"I pushed my hamburger away and gathered up my things and stood up. He didn't move out of my way, so I pushed him roughly. Ken just laughed and said, 'Don't worry, cunt, I wouldn't fuck you through five layers of rubbers."
"It didn't hit me until I was walking home. Rubbers. Safeties. Condoms. That was the answer. Why hadn't dad or I thought about that. We could go the whole way, using a safety. That's what they were supposed to be made for-protection against disease!
"I was so excited, I called dad at work and told him to get some on his way home. He laughed like a little boy and promised me he'd bring a gross of them. And when he came home that night, he brought a dozen of them, all gift-wrapped with a little ribbon! That's how silly and how sweet our love was, that he would do a silly but sweet thing like that.
"I kept them in my nightstand drawer, and that night, when my mother had gone, we really began to love each other, the right way, at last."
There is an interesting psychological significance to be found in Billie's account, on many counts. First, her deepening love for her father in a spiritual and a sexual way represents a classic example of the Oedipus complex, which in the female is usually referred to as the Electro, complex. This is a father fixation, and is present in far more women than is realized.
It is a well-known psychological fact that many women who suffer from this complex never actually succumb to their desire for physical and sexual love with their father; however, if they do admire him and feel a strong sexual and physical attraction for him, they invariably marry a man who has the same qualities, and often who bears a strong physical resemblance to their father.
It is discernible from Billie's account that she thinks little of her mother. She was never truly close to her, and she blames her mother for the strictness of the codes by which she was raised. To further increase her feelings for her father, it was he alone who forgave her and who comforted and shielded her in her time of loneliness and need, after her shameful experience with the Hotshots of Hell group. Note, too, that it was the mother who provided the major part of the antagonism, for it was from the mother's attitude that the community took their cue.
More significant in their sexual relationship is this: Billie's sexual experiences had all been of the raw, brutal, sex-without-love type. She had been treated like a female animal, with no respect or deep emotional attachment involved, especially by the motorcycle gang. Then, as her "reward," she contracted a serious disease, and as a result was ostracized by the world she knew-except for her father.
But when they became lovers, she was shown the deep love and kindness that accompanies true sexual relations in a marriage, and she was made aware of the spiritual side of sexual intercourse. Because this came at the hands of her father, there is little doubt that Billie's love for her father was a deep, real, and spiritual one. Because it was, his physical lovemaking was far more meaningful to her than any of the raw animalistic sex she had indulged in for "kicks." Note that in her account she claimed to have gotten "kicks" from the other sex partners, whereas she got "deep thrills" from her father's sexual approach.
Another significant item is revealed in her account. It is well known to psychiatrists and psychologists, but is overlooked by the average person. This is the use of water in connection with sexual relations of a dubious moral or legal nature. Although she does not use the word or even infer that she is aware, it is obvious that Billie realized that her relations with her father constituted incest. And certainly, the adult man would have known. But, throughout history, man has associated water with purification. It has been used in all the rituals of purification and dedication that humans have conceived, and it has become embedded in the mind of man as a symbol of purification.
This makes the "showering ritual" that Billie spoke of, very significant, for each of them, father and daughter, subconsciously felt unclean because of their relationship, and also because of the disease that had infected Billie's body, of which both were constantly reminded.
This showering and soaping allowed them to go to bed and have sexual relations with one another with a relatively clear conscience, for their feeling was that they had cleansed their bodies thoroughly, therefore, their spirit was clean.
And, finally, the antagonism of Billie's mother only drove the two closer in their need and their love. The pair had gone as far as they dared go, although both desired regular intercourse to a degree that was almost painful.
Let us hear Billie's account of the fulfillment of their sexual relationship with the purchase of the condoms by her father.
"We could hardly get through supper that night, we were so excited. I hardly dared look at dad, and he seemed extra nervous. Dinner time was always awkward for the three of us, with few words being exchanged, and the icy wall between my mother and my father and me. But we made it, and, at last, my mother had gone to church and we were alone.
"I felt like a bride, and I know that my father was as nervous and anxious as any bridegroom. And why not? In a way, it was like a wedding night. We were going to have regular, man-woman fucking for the first time! We had waited and wanted so long, I could hardly clear the dinner table and wash and stack the dishes. Dad helped me, and he kept touching my body with his hands, gently, as if he were worshiping me. He would bend and kiss my neck and ears and cheek, or run his hands gently through my golden hair. He was a perfect lover, eager, excited, but willing to build everything toward that wonderful moment when we would become , one-truly one-in our bodies!
"At last I was finished. He had gone into the bathroom and had started the water running, and when I walked in, after stripping naked, he was already in the shower. It was a nice big one, and he stepped back and held out his arms, and I stepped into them. As our mouths closed on each other's, we deliberately stood under the spray, letting the sharp streams of warm water play across our faces and run down over our bodies as they touched from head to foot.
"It was like stepping into paradise and finding the perfect man waiting with love in his whole body and heart, and we spent a long time in the shower that night, just loving the touch of each other's body as we soaped and washed.
"We spent a long time drying each other off, too; and then, at last, we walked into my bedroom. Dad had said in the shower that he wanted to have me in my bed, where she-my mother-had never been. He wanted it to be like a honeymoon, he had said.
"I got out one of the condoms and he took it out of the package. He explained to me how it should be put on, after he was good and stiff, saying, 'Just roll it on, darling, leaving a good inch at the end to allow for my semen when I come, so that it doesn't break. It will be the same as if we didn't have to use it, because it is thin, and you'll feel the heat of my penis so strongly that you will forget in a moment that I have it on."
"He laid down on the bed, and I crawled between his legs. I began by kissing and nibbling on his nipples, because I liked the way he squirmed and moaned when I did that. Meanwhile, I was using my fingernails on his stomach and his back, and I moved down on his body with my mouth, sticking my tongue into his navel, licking the line of hair that went from it down to his penis, digging my fingers into his ass cheeks, his thighs, making him writhe with pleasure as I thrilled him with my kisses and bites.
"His cock was stiff and ready long before I took it in my mouth, but I wanted to taste it, to feel it inside my mouth, in anticipation of feeling it inside my womanhood, at last. I wanted him to be completely and utterly ready, so that when I had him inside my cunt, he would have the most thrilling come he had ever in his life known!
"At last, he pushed me gently away and said, 'My darling, I can't wait-I want to put it inside your cunt-I want to fill it with my cock
-to thrill and excite you and give you a taste of heaven."
"I was wet inside my cunt so much that it was beginning to seep out, from wanting his cock inside me, and I took the condom and put it on his prick as he had told me to, leaving a good inch of it unfilled, hanging loose, at the tip. He watched me put it on, and the light in his eyes was different, softer than I'd ever seen. I could see pure love shining from them, and as I lay over on my back and spread my legs, I was trembling with excitement and desire.
"Dad took me in his arms, and we lay side by side, kissing with our mouths and our hearts, until I couldn't stand it any longer. 'Fuck me, daddy,' I begged. 'Please, put it in me and fuck me, please-'
"He rolled me onto my back and I spread my legs wide. I couldn't even remember ever having been fucked before. It was as if it was a whole new experience, and he was the first man to ever fuck me. I felt virginal and almost afraid-not that he would hurt me, but that I wouldn't be able to please him as I wanted to, totally.
"He crawled on top of me, lifting his body up so that he rested partially on his knees and partially on one elbow. He bent his head and our mouths locked in a deep kiss. With both hands, I spread the lips of my cunt, and he used his free hand to guide the head of his prick into my cunt. The second I felt it touch my clitoris, and slide on past to touch the inner walls, I knew that it was perfect! I knew that it was what I had always wanted and dreamed of.
"As his prick began to slide in and out, rubbing my clit, massaging the deeper well of my cunt, he let his weight down and reached around and grabbed both my ass cheeks in his hands. He began to drive it deeper and deeper, and all I could feel was his hot stiff cock making every fiber of my body come alive with love and desire. I arched my back to make it even closer, and he pulled me up to him until I knew that every last bit of his cock was inside me. I was numb with joy, and I began to mumble wildly as I nibbled his tongue, then played with it with my own, sucking it deep into my mouth, while he drove me to hysteria with his lovely cock, rubbing, digging, caressing the inner parts of my cunt!
"We both began to mutter at the same time, 'I'm coming, darling, I'm coming,' and then our bodies took command, setting up their own rapid rhythm as we approached the brink of fulfillment.
"When I came, and felt the tip end of the safety fill with his hot juices, I almost fainted from the joy it brought, not only to my body, but to my spirit and my soul! It was like nothing I had ever known. I was so filled with love for him that I wanted to keep him there inside me forever. I didn't care what people called what we were doing, to me it was perfect love that was making my body like a temple-a shrine of worship, dedicated to him!
"We couldn't stop to change condoms. We couldn't let each other go that long. Daddy just kept on pushing his cock in, gently at first, then, as our bodies caught fire, the tempo increased to a quicker, even better come than the first one!
"While he went into the bathroom and took off the condom and flushed it down the toilet, then washed off his cock in hot water, I just lay there, filled with something I had never known. My body felt as if it was on fire, yet it felt cool and clean, and I was as hungry for more of my daddy as I had been before we had started.
"When he came out, he lay beside me, his hands caressing my breasts, his mouth close to my ear, and he made passionate, wild love to me with words that I had never heard before-love words, sweet words, wild words that told me of the thrilling love that I had given to him with my body, and through my love for him.
"I slid down and began to suck his cock again; when it was hard, I put on another safety and crawled up on top of him. I squatted over his cock and he inserted it in my pussy, and then I sat down, resting my weight on my knees. I wanted to be able to look down and see that wonderful thing going into my cunt, and he helped by putting his hands on my hips and guiding me as I leaned forward until I could feel it deep inside me, then back, to create a different sensation altogether.
"All the while, I could watch his face, and his cock entering my cunt, and as I rose to climax, I kept murmuring over and over, 'I adore you, daddy, I worship you.' He kept smiling, and he pushed hard up against me, and as the fires of love flooded my body again in climax, I felt him come again, and my world was filled with bright happy feelings of love fulfilled!
"I laid down on top of him then, and we just held each other close, murmuring our love for each other, touching tenderly, kissing, and being in love.
"When my mother came home, we were both watching television, and when I went to bed that night, I was the happiest I had ever been. I had a lover. I was loved. Nothing in the world could ever hurt me now, I felt.
"But, of course, I was wrong.
"The way we felt about each other was bound to show, as hard as we tried to hide it. A secret that wonderful just has to reflect itself in the eyes and the smiles of lovers.
"And, to make it even more wonderful, I was finally cleared by the doctors and the board of health as cured! I could have daddy without any silly condoms, at last. That was the only thing that had even slightly spoiled our love-making, all these months, and now, we could have each other anyway at all, without any fears.
"One thing we had both wanted, but hadn't dared, was for daddy to kiss my pussy and make me come that way. I had longed for the touch of his soft lips and his tongue inside my cunt, and now, it was all right. We had talked of the day when we could have each other at the same time, that way-the sixty-nine position-and now that I was well again, a complete world of love-making had opened up to us.
"We were so in love. I suppose we were as bad as any teenage couple, although I didn't feel like a teenager at all. I felt like a grown, loved, lovely woman. Daddy made me feel that way, even when he looked at me. He began to buy me beautiful clothes, and some lovely underthings, just as any lover would for his love. My mother began to notice all this, and at first she didn't say anything-just sneered and grunted when I would appear in something new.
"I was told I could return to school, but I didn't want to go to the same one, so daddy arranged for me to transfer to another, where I wasn't known at all, and where I wouldn't have to face the cruelty of the kids who knew all about my escapade with the motorcycle gang, and my getting a disease.
"My mother had adopted a complete 'hands off attitude after a few nasty quarrels with my father over his buying so many things for me. But she was suspicious, and we should have known that she was plotting something. Daddy had told me that they had had absolutely no sex since the moment I had run away with Ken, and I knew it must be a torment for him to lie beside that cold-assed woman in bed, dreaming about me, hating the feel of her body next to his. But I didn't know what was building in her heart, or in his. All I knew was a world filled with love, and I couldn't even remember that there was such a thing as hate.
"As we became used to having full, sexual relations, both daddy and I discovered that one of the most thrilling diversions we could have, was anal intercourse. We "used to have it that way at least twice a week, and I think there was a special thrill to it, because it was the way that had opened up our love for each other. I know that when I felt his cock up my ass, and his fingers pinching and rubbing my clit, it was as good as when I felt his lips and tongue massaging and sucking it, and it was second in thrills only to having his cock inside me in regular intercourse.
"We were so in love, and so completely satisfied with our love, in all ways, that we must have acted more like a married couple than father and daughter-and certainly more like marrieds than my mother and father did. And that, in the long run, was what led us to tragedy.
"It happened this way. My father and I were at home, and she was supposed to have been at church. We were naked in bed, and daddy was licking my asshole, getting ready to have me in the ass, and we were so completely abandoned to each other and the joys that had taken over our bodies and our minds, that we wouldn't have heard a herd of elephants coming through the house.
"The first thing I knew, there she was, standing in the doorway, and a man was with her. He had a camera, and inside a minute, he must have snapped six or seven pictures of us. From that moment on, I don't know what happened-truly. I went into some kind of shock, not for any other reason except the big stab that came into my heart, that I was losing my one and only love-my daddy!
"It was a nightmare from there on. Inside fifteen minutes, the police were there, and we were like two lost kids who didn't know the score. All we had to offer to the whole goddamned, stinking world was the fact that we loved each other. We didn't ask their sympathy or their understanding, all we asked was that they leave us alone. But not that vicious bitch of a mother of mine. She couldn't give my daddy what he needed-a full, gentle, sexy and sweet love, and when she found that I could give it, and wanted to give it, she hurt me the only way she could, by hurting my father.
"It was ugly, and it is ugly now, knowing that he is in jail, on charges of statutory rape, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and a half-dozen other charges that she managed to dig up out of the musty, dusty records.
"The thing that bugs me about the whole deal is that nobody in this lousy world recognizes love when they see it. Why can't they see that I love my father, not as my father, but as the man that gave me all the love and thrills and satisfaction that I've ever dreamed of. Incest! What is incest, anyhow? A natural love that is in the heart of every daughter for every father, and in the heart of each mother and son. So, it goes beyond the rules that the goddamned world and the church and the sociologists lay down, and it automatically becomes dirty and sinful.
"Shit! Dirty? Sinful? The love I have for my daddy, and that he has for me? It's cleaner and more beautiful than any of the loves that I see in this stinking married world. We had all the free and uninhibited love that any man and woman could ever know, but because he happened to be my father, the world says it is all wrong, it is 'dirty' and sinful, when it was not like that at all, in any way.
"I don't know what will happen, really. I suppose that some day, daddy will be set free, and I will be allowed to go free when I am twenty-one. Tell me, please-will it be any different then? Will I know more about love at twenty-one than I do now? Will my father love me any less, or I him?
"It just doesn't make sense. Love is love, and age has nothing to do with it, any more than blood relationship. Why should it? Love is a natural thing that just happens between two people. You just don't go around and pick the one you're going to love, and when you happen to find love, your body doesn't tell you that it's wrong.
"If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing."
Here we have seen the almost-perfect Electra complex. It was carried to its ultimate fulfillment, through sex relations between father and daughter, and, as Billie points out, that sex relation was based on love.
Yet, there were certain guilt feelings, because we have seen how the water seemed to cleanse her conscience, although she did not realize that she was undergoing this symbolic cleansing.
That Billie will become promiscuous in sex upon her release, is only a remote possibility, and if she does, chances are that it would be with older men. Case histories have shown consistently that when a young girl has good sex with an older man, she seems to hold that image when she marries or changes sex partners, and she will invariably choose another older man.
On the other hand, she may become bitter as she thinks about the terrible consequences of their acts of love, and do a complete about-face when she again is free to love. One thing is almost certain: whomever Billie chooses to have sex with, anal intercourse will be part of their sex relations, for she knows how it pleases most men, and will use it again to please, when she finds the man she loves.
CHAPTER THREE
The Sex Whip
"I knew that my mother was chippying around and my father, too, but it's still a hell of a shock to walk in and find your mother giving a strange man a blow job.
"I had come home earlier than usual, because the classes had been dismissed so that any who wanted to could go to the track meet across town.
"When I walked in, I wasn't really expecting to find anyone home. My mother is usually gone all day, and sometimes all night, too. So when I walked past her bedroom door and glanced in, there was this big, young stud-at least ten years younger than her-with his cock all stiff and hard, standing up, while she was on her knees in front of him, sucking him off. He had his hands in her hair, and she had his ass cheeks cupped in her hands, and she actually seemed starved for the taste and feel of it, because she was really giving him the works.
"I just walked right on to my room, and I laid down on my bed and thought about the whole thing. I knew that my mother had to be fooling around with other men, but I didn't think she'd be brazen enough to bring them right to her home like this.
"We'd never been what you would call close. She was one of those 'club women' types. She belonged to every social club around, also to the country club where she and dad played golf a lot. She was on the PTA, and several civic clubs, as well as being one of the big wheels in some women's society.
"And there she was, sucking another man's prick. What the hell kind of a lousy world was this, anyhow? I asked myself again and again. But I was fascinated by the sight, even while being disgusted, and so I got up and walked back down the hall and peeked in. This time, they were really going at it. She was on her hands and knees and he was mounting her from the rear, and they looked and sounded like two animals. I couldn't tell if the man had it up her asshole or into her cunt from the back, but whatever, they were both moaning and making sounds like they were really digging it.
"It sort of turned me on", and I masturbated myself a little with my finger, but it wouldn't work. I suppose that was because I felt too much shame at finding her doing this with a strange man.
"I wondered what my father would do if he could just see her, but I was naive, then. I know now what he would have done-called in some woman and had a fuck party. And it wasn't long in coming, anyhow. I didn't know that they belonged to a sex orgy group, and that this young guy was a member of the group. I found out later, though, that they were breaking the rules, because there wasn't supposed to be any dating outside of the nights they held their swap orgies.
"I was tempted to tell my father, but I didn't I suspected that he was having a lot of strange pieces of ass, too. And besides, I doubt if either my mother or father would have really given a damn-even if they would have taken time to listen to me.
"I had fooled around a lot in guys' cars, and at parties-you know, feeling and kissing and rubbing it in when a guy kissed me, but that was all. I had never gone all the way. Oh, once I had let a guy kiss me between the legs, but I was so scared of being caught that I couldn't come, although it excited me a lot. I had taken a guy's cock in my hand and jerked it a little, too, but that was about as daring as I had ever been sexually.
"But I was beginning to see that the game was played a lot differently than I had imagined. Less than two weeks after I'd seen my mother like that, my parents had a swap party at our place. I was supposed to stay at my aunt's place, and I sneaked out and went home and in the rear door. We had a big house, with a pool in back, and a huge playroom that was all glass doors at the back that overlooked the pool and patio.
"I just had to walk out into the pool area, hide, and see everything that went on in the playroom. And playroom was a good word for it, believe me! I watched for over two hours, and the things I saw made me sick to my stomach. I'm no prude, but when you see your own mother sucking men off, then letting them mount her from front and back, then letting one man fuck her while she sucks another man off, it gets mind-breaking.
"And my father was even worse! He not only performed sixty-nine with two other women, but he let another man fuck him up the ass! There was nothing that most of them didn't do, and it was plain to see that most of them went two ways, and seemed to like it with either a man or a woman. My mother went down on a woman, and had another one suck her cunt while she sucked the first woman's.
"I was ready to puke at any time, and I sneaked in the kitchen door and to my room and locked the door and just cried. I don't know why, but I think it was because every young person admires and respects his parents. They somehow think that their parents just can do no wrong, and it's a shock when they find out that they are more or even less than human, which mine were turning out to be. My parents were a couple of sex weirdos, and it hit me hard to find it out.
"I couldn't get it out of my mind all the next week at school. I wondered if sex could be as happy a game as they made it seem, doing all the crazy things they had, and at the same time I was scared. I wanted to try it, but I'd been brought up to believe that it was all wrong to have sex before you married. Yet, it seemed that once you were married, anything in the world was alright. So, when this boy named Alfred asked me to go to a party with him on Friday night, I told him I would. I knew that it would be a 'pot party,' because some of the other kids had told me that all of his gang's parties were marihuana parties. I had no problems at home, because my parents were always out on Friday nights, to a swap party, and they seemed actually relieved when I asked permission to stay overnight with a girl friend.
"I met Al at a corner near my house and we went to his home. His parents were away for the evening, too, and we had the whole place to ourselves. He had a groovy bedroom, all fixed up with psychedelic pictures and some pictures of the Beatles and The Animals, and he had a lot of pillows and a big ottoman-it was like a real opium den. There were only two other coupies besides us, and when we were all there, they didn't waste any time.
"Al brought out some 'sticks' and we all lit up. I didn't know how to do it, so they told me to take a puff, deep in my lungs, then hold it there as long as I could. I did it about five times, and man, did I ever begin to feel good. I felt like nothing mattered, and everyone was beautiful.
"When we had all smoked a joint and relaxed, we settled down to fooling around. When Al began to feel my breasts, it felt wonderful, and I began to get hot for more. I unzipped his pants and took his cock into my hand and jerked it a little. He got hard right away and began to run his hands between my legs, pinching my thighs, then running his fingers down the lips of my pussy, turning me on good. I just felt good. He seemed to me to be the most wonderful person in the world, and I wanted more.
"He got up and took his pants off, and then he slid mine off, and I noticed that the other two couples were already performing sex acts. One girl was down on her boyfriend, sucking his cock, and the other two were going at it real good, fucking like crazy.
"I was on the floor, on a thick rug in front of the hi-fi, and I wanted Al to fuck me. He laid down beside me and began to play with my nipples and my pussy, and I moaned every time his finger would touch my clit. I told him I wanted it, and he asked me if I was a virgin. I lied and said I wasn't, and that seemed to please him, so he just got on top of me and began to stick his cock in me. I had always heard that it hurt the first time, but all I felt was a thrill. Maybe it was the Mary Jane, but I began to build toward an orgasm from the second he put his cock inside me.
"He began to kiss me, sticking his tongue deep into my mouth, and he mumbled, 'You're wonderful, Tammi, you're the most."
"After a couple of minutes, I began to buck and twist and he began to dig me deeper and faster, and then, it came like a lightning bolt-my first come! It just seemed to spread all over my body, making it feel warm and excited, and I wanted more. I locked my legs around Al and wouldn't let him take it out, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and began to kiss him and beg him not to stop.
"He wasn't about to quit, and inside five minutes, I guess I must have come three or four times more. The others were still going at it when Al pulled his cock out of me, wiped it off with his handkerchief, and told me I'd better go to the bathroom and take care of myself. I really didn't know what I was supposed to do, but I went and pissed and wiped my pussy out with a washrag I found there.
"When I got back to Al's room, he had lit up another joint, and he handed it to me and I smoked it slowly, while he lit another for himself. I got even higher than before, and I seemed to be able to do anything in the world that I wanted to. I felt I was perfect in everything, and pretty soon one of the other guys came over and Al went over to be with his girl, and we started in again. He asked me to suck his cock a little, until it got hard, and I did. Then he spread my legs and went down on me for a while, licking my clit and pussy lips and sticking his finger up inside of my cunt, touching all the deeper walls of it.
"By the time he was ready, I was hot all over, and I felt that we were the best fuckers in the world. When he slid his cock inside my cunt, I felt it was filling my whole body with joy. It was bigger than Al's, and I was even hotter for it, and I just seemed to have a whole string of climaxes, before Joey came even once. I felt I could go on that way all night, and after he had screwed me for half and hour, and he had come twice, I still felt the same way. I felt I could please any man on earth-even the sonofabitch that I'd seen with my mother. I was wonderful, and I could handle any boy or man on earth.
"Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was daylight, and I was in Al's car. He told me later that I had passed out cold and he had to get me out of his house before his parents came home. They were pretty easy with him, but he knew they wouldn't stand for that.
"I went on home, and I felt let down. I hated the thought of facing my parents. I had really balled it, and I had liked it, and I was afraid that I'd just have to shout it out to them-especially if I got any questioning. But they were too hung over from sex and booze to even pay any attention to the circles under my eyes, or notice how fagged out I was.
"After that, I used to smoke pot at least three times a week, sometimes, at one of the kids' houses, or most often in Al's car, or one of the other guys' cars. And no matter where we smoked it, we always had some sex afterwards. Joey's father was a doctor, and he managed to get me some birth-control pills, so I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. I was just having a ball.
"I forgot how long I was on pot before I started on H-heroin. I know that my first time was with Carl-he was about twenty-five, and I guess he was supplying some of the kids at school. Anyhow, it was at a party at one of the girls' houses. Her parents had gone away over the weekend, and we had a two-day spree. It started out the usual way, with lots of pot and lots of fucking, gang-bang style, changing off every so often.
"Then Carl came, and everybody seemed excited to see him. I didn't know why, but I soon found out. They must have told him that I was 'green' to H, because after he passed out a few little packets to some of the kids, he came over and began to talk to me. I liked him. He was good-looking in a sexy way, and it made me feel important when he singled me out to give his attention to.
"I was pretty high on pot, and before I knew it, I was letting him feel my titties and my pussy, and he was asking me if I really wanted to 'fly,' as he put it. I was too high to really pay close attention to him, and the next thing I knew he had shot something into my arm and I began to feel light-headed and sexy as hell.
"After about fifteen minutes, I seemed to be out of it. It was like I was somebody else, standing apart and watching what I and the rest were doing. I felt as if I had left my body and was floating around the room. I don't know how many times Carl screwed me, or how many times I sucked him off. And there were others, too. And before the two days were over, I had even sucked the pussy of one of the girls! I can remember how they all gathered around and watched as she sucked mine first, and then I licked and sucked hers.
"It was a way-out ball, but when I went home late Sunday, I felt like hell. I was sorry I had tried heroin, and I made up my mind I wasn't going to get hooked, like some of the kids already were. But it bugged me all week, thinking about the wild, wonderful feeling I'd had when I'd taken it. On Friday night, I had a date with Al, and after I'd smoked a joint of pot, I knew damned well that I wanted some heroin. I asked Al if he had any, but he didn't. He did say he could get some from a friend of his, so we drove over to this guy's house and Al came back with some heroin.
"After some wild sex in a park with Al, I began to get sick. I vomited and broke out in cold sweat, and Al got scared and drove me home. I expected to find the house empty, because Friday night was always a party night for my parents, but my father was home. My mother had gone somewhere alone-or at least, that's what she had told my father-and he wasn't feeling good and had stayed home.
"When I staggered in the front door, he was sitting in the living room watching TV. He was in his pajamas and robe, and at first he hardly paid any attention to me. But when I reeled a little and waved at him in a drunken way, he stood up and said, 'What in hell have you been drinking?'
"I told him I hadn't had a drop, and he walked over and grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. 'You little slut,' he yelled, 'you're as bad as your mother. What are you on-dope of some kind?'
"I was too high to care what he thought or said, so I just laughed. 'Pot and H, dad,' I boasted. 'Take your pick."
"He slapped me across the face hard, and it almost brought me down to earth. At least, it made me think a lot clearer, and I stood there, rubbing my cheek where he had hit me, and I began to bawl. I was crying from frustration and anger, more than any pain, though the slap did sting pretty good.
"I taunted, 'And don't forget fucking and sucking, dad. That can get you kind of high, too. And you ought to know!'
"When I said that, he began to slap me with both hands, left and right, right and left, until I finally fell down on the couch. He seemed to go wild. He ripped off my panties and my skirt, then my blouse, leaving me there naked. He took off his own clothes, then stood there, his cock already getting hard, and screamed, 'I'll show you what fucking is, you bitch. I'll give you more fucking than you can handle!'
"Still mouthing obscenities, he spread my legs and began to eat my pussy, and I mean eat. He was using his teeth and his fingernails, almost as if he wanted to tear my clitoris out of my cunt, but it turned me on like I'd never been turned on before, and I began to writhe and moan for more. The more I groaned, the angrier he got, and I was sure he was bringing blood to my cunt with his brutal biting and scratching, but it was making me wild with desire to come.
"I'd had a pretty good dose of heroin, and it hadn't even begun to wear off, and I began to mumble, 'Fuck me, please fuck me."
"That drove him wild, and he stopped sucking my pussy and got on his knees and looked down at me. I must have been a mess, because I just tried to grin up at him and said, 'Fuck me good. I need it. I want it."
"He lowered his body on mine and began to insert the head of his prick into my cunt, but all at once he began to curse and say, 'I can't fuck my own daughter, I can't."
"I coaxed, 'Please, please put it in,' but he just rolled me over so I was lying on my face, and then he moved in and lowered his body and I felt him start to shove it up my asshole! In all the sex parties I had been to, I had never had that happen-at least, if it had, I must have been passed out, and it hurt like hell. If I hadn't been so damned high, I'd have probably screamed, but after a minute, as it began to go in and out more smoothly, it didn't hurt so bad, and I just lay there and let him go ahead. He was cursing me and himself all the time he was shoving it in and out of my asshole, and toward the end he stopped and began to make sobbing sounds. When he shot his load up my ass, he just collapsed on me and began to kiss my shoulders and the back of my neck and mumble, 'Please forgive me, Tammi-please. I love you, please, please, forgive me."
"It seemed strange, me ending up comforting him, but that's what I did. He took his cock out of my asshole and I turned over and held his head in my arms, like he was a little boy, and I told him over and over that it was all right-that he hadn't hurt me.
"I still felt giddy from the H, but it was wearing off. I was still hot for some fucking, and I didn't know how to tell him, or turn him on, he was so forlorn and guilt-ridden. So, I just went down on him! I began to play with his cock, and as it started to get stiff, I went down on him, sucking it deep into my mouth and teasing it with my tongue and teeth. He was flabbergasted, but he was helpless to stop me, it felt so good. Finally, when I knew he was about to come, I stopped and told him I wanted to be fucked. This time, he just climbed on top of me and put his cock inside my pussy and began to pump away. He was hitting all the spots inside me that really turned me loose, and all I could think of was to ask him if I was as good as the women he did it with at his swap parties.
"I guess he was still half dazed, because he kept saying, over and over, 'You're the best in the world, my little baby-the best in the world."
"It made me feel good to hear him say that, and to have him inside me. I really let go, wiggling my hips and ass, rising up to allow him to go in to the hilt of his cock, and I came twice before he had his orgasm, and then we lay there, half sobbing, half laughing. We didn't say anything. It was as if we were both trying to sober up after a big binge. Finally, he said softly, 'You'd better take care of yourself, Tammi. You know what I mean."
"I told him not to worry, that I was on the pill, and it didn't even seem to surprise him. He got up and went to the bathroom, taking his pajamas with him, and I went to my room and took a shower in my own bath, to try to shake the effects of the pot and the H, as well as the good fucking that I'd just had.
"My asshole was a little sore, but not bad, and looking back, I felt that it hadn't been too bad that way at all. It gave me a sort of special feeling, that I had been able to make him want me that badly, and when I fell asleep, I felt more friendly toward him than I had in a long, long time."
The speaker is Tammi W. She is fifteen, and the only child of a well-to-do family. Her father is an executive with an automobile manufacturing company, and she is now undergoing psychiatric treatment. Because of the public nature of part of her story, we were able to contact responsible parties and were granted permission to use her case history. It is a sordid one, yet, if we are to believe all the news accounts and case histories of juvenile courts, Tammi may well be very typical-at least in her use of marihuana and heroin, if not in her promiscuous sex patterns.
She is unusual in that she used anal intercourse for no other reason than to spite. She readily admits that she gained no sexual pleasure from the act, yet she developed a hatred of her parents that caused her to perform consistently and exclusively the one act that she considered "perverted, sinful, and dirty."
That Tammi is a masochist is undeniable. She is suffering from a feeling of being unwanted by her parents, according to her psychiatrist, and like most masochists she deliberately punishes and abases herself because she feels she deserves it. But added to this need of abasement are the vengeful feelings she has toward her parents.
She feels that they "let her down," so to speak, and turned her loose in a jungle which she neither understood, nor particularly desired to enter.
Another interesting aspect of Tammi's case is her use of drugs. At present, the controversy still rages concerning the aphrodisiacal powers of marihuana. The experts (if there is such a creature) seem evenly divided as to whether marihuana users tend to turn to sex for kicks more readily, or whether the use of marihuana heightens the sexual urge.
One fact is certain, according to all the tests conducted on the subject: marihuana users do think that they are sexually superior in performance to others, and they also definitely do indulge in sex to a greater degree (usually while using marihuana) than do nonusers.
Unfortunately, Tammi's story, insofar as her turning to experimenting with drugs goes, is much too typical to ignore. And, significantly, such youngsters seem to come from just such families as hers-fairly well off, bored, blase, seeking kicks in wild sex orgies. Case history after case history show that this seems to be the norm, instead of the rarity, where young persons turn to marihuana and heavier drugs.
Tammi's psychiatrists believe that there was a basic weakness of character in her, which accounts for her masochistic tendencies. But it also gave her an excuse-a "crutch"-to explain her use of drugs, for she blames her parents completely for her actions.
Sociologists and psychologists working with young people to combat the drug abuse find this a typical attitude. Most youngsters feel, as Tammi did, that they had been abandoned in a jungle which was created by their unfeeling and uninterested parents, and instead of fighting for their own salvation, they meekly float downstream with "the crowd," and in so doing, swell the ranks of the narcotic users-and also, of a growing horde of masochists.
Sex, along with religion, has often been referred to as the "opiate of the poor," and today's youngsters are proving that sex is, indeed, an opiate, and that it is not confined to the less fortunate. In fact, it seems to have become the favorite pastime and escape mechanism of the general public, particularly the affluent middle class, to which Tammi's parents belong.
We make no attempt to place blame, nor to condemn, but in studying Tammi's case we do feel that a part of the blame must rest with her parents.
Of equal interest in this case is the aspect of incest and the reactions of Tammi's father in the situation in which he found himself, and which he partially created. We shall let Tammi continue her account in her own words.
"When I awoke the first morning after being fucked and ass-fucked by my father, and after having given him a partial blow job, I knew that things couldn't be the same again. I had a hell of a hangover from the H, but I also had a headful of crazy thoughts. I lay there in my bed and I went over every bit of the evening that I could recall, and it was really something!
"Remember, I was no virgin, and I knew enough about my own feelings to realize that my father had turned me on like none of the jerky potheads I had been screwing around with. And the next question was: What was I going to do about it-or, actually, what were we going to do about it?
"I didn't go to school-I was too sick and too mixed up for that-and I didn't want to face my mother. I was too disgusted with her. In a funny way, I blamed her more than my father for what had happened, because if she were half a woman, I figured she wouldn't be sucking other guys' pricks, or fucking them; also, my father wouldn't have had to go on the sex orgy kick that they were on, if she were halfway decent in bed.
"I suppose it's sort of natural to defend the parent of the opposite sex-that's what the psychiatrists tell me, anyhow-but I still feel that, in this case, my mother was the key to the whole mess.
"At any rate, I wanted to talk to my father. I had to find out what was really at the bottom of our wild sex the night before. For me, it was easy to blame the H, but I wondered what his reasons were, and most of all, I wondered why I felt like masturbating now, thinking of him fucking me and putting his prick up my asshole.
"I was pretty mixed up, because after all the sex with the other jerks, I forgot it right away. It didn't mean a thing. Now, it was all I could think of. I wondered if I was really hung up on my father.
"I called him at work and asked him if I could see him for lunch. He was tickled, but seemed nervous on the phone, and he told me to meet him in the restaurant of a large hotel near the office building where he worked. I was there, all primped up, in my fanciest minidress, when he came in. He had called and reserved a table, and believe me, I felt like a queen or a movie actress, the attention I got. And when he came in, he bent and kissed me, his hand on my shoulder, and I got that same old thrill. As he sat down opposite me, I seemed to notice for the first time, what a handsome, virile man he was. He'd played football and baseball in college, and he still played squash and handball often, and there wasn't an ounce of fat on him, although he was forty-three.
"He treated me like a lady, and I began to glow. The drug hangover was gone, and I came alive. I felt sexy and mature, and I had a strange feeling of power as dad became more attentive with every moment. We had a nice lunch, and toward the end I told him I wanted to be alone with him so we could talk. He was a little nervous, but he finally told me that he had a room at the hotel that he kept regularly, in case visiting big shots needed it. I could tell by his embarrassed expression that he also used it to screw women in, too, but I didn't say anything. I told him that was fine, and he gave me the key and told me to go ahead up, that he would check back with his office and be up soon.
"It was a nice room, and I noticed that he kept a pretty good supply of booze there, too. I'd never drank much, but I poured a little brandy in a glass and sipped it. I guess I was a bit nervous, too, but when dad came in, all smiles, nervous as a bridegroom, everything seemed to be all right. I felt in command again, and when we were alone in the room, I started to get all sexed up.
"'Well, honey,' dad said, 'what was it you wanted to talk about?'
"I looked at him in astonishment. He had to be kidding. 'You ought to know,' I said, hurt and a bit angry.
"He walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. 'Tammi, honey,' he said soothingly, 'what happened last night was--just an accident. I've tried to tell you how sorry I was. I don't know what happened, but it won't ever happen again, I promise."
"I blurted out, 'But I want it to happen!'
"He looked at me as if I were a strange bug. He shook his head. 'That's-dirty! Indecent! What in hell is the matter with you? Are you a sexpot like your mother?'
"I felt like he'd slapped me across the face, and I reacted in rage. I slapped him across the mouth as hard as I could! He stepped back, rubbing his face, anger clouding his face.
"'You are a slut! Just like her,' he ground out.
"'You liked my cunt and my asshole pretty much last night, though, didn't you?' I shot back at him, both hurt and venomous.
"'Shut up?' he yelled, advancing as if he were going to hit me, fists clenched. 'Get the hell back to school, where you belong. And you try anymore of that goddamned dope, and I'll have you put away! You hear me?'
"He was boiling, but so was I. 'I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do!' I screamed back at him. 'And if you don't like it, just try some stupid move to stop me, and I'll tell mother about last night, say you raped me, and have your ass in jail!' I got up, stalked out of the hotel room, and took the elevator, leaving him standing there looking as if he'd been hit by a truck.
"He had really put me down-after I had practically begged him to fuck me again! I was in a daze, I was so mad. I'd never been put down like that in my life, and I made up my mind that I'd make the son of a bitch pay, but good!
"The bar adjoined the dining room, and I just walked in and took a dark booth in a corner. The same waiter that had served us lunch came over, and I guess he assumed I was dad's girl friend, because he asked politely, 'May I get you something, miss?'
"I ordered a martini. It was the strongest thing I could think of. I hadn't paid any attention to the others in the room, but now, an older man at the next table rose and came to my booth. 'May I buy you a drink?' he asked. He was tall and slim, and he had a young face, even though his hair was white.
"I felt vicious, and I hoped that, by chance, my father would stop in for a drink and see me with a man. So I smiled and he sat down beside me.
"The waiter never batted an eye when the man asked him to bring him a bourbon. After the waiter had gone, the man raised his glass and said, 'I've been admiring you for over an hour. I saw you in the dining room with-with a friend of mine. You're very charming."
"I began to bubble inside. It was even better than I had hoped. He knew dad, but he thought I was one of his girl friends! And he assumed that I was one of those who sometimes occupied the room up on the fifth floor! So he wasted no time in making his pitch. It was funny, and flattering, to know that he thought I was a call girl!
"And, three martinis later, I was all hot for him, and he for me, and he went into the lobby and got a room, and a few moments later, there I was, for the second time in a couple of hours, in a hotel room with a man. But this one really wanted to ball. The only thing that spoiled it for me was that that fucking snob of an old man of mine wasn't there to see it! He hadn't come back into the bar, but after five minutes with Ed Rankin, I forgot all about dad anyhow. He was really a charmer, was smooth with his hands and his words, and by the time I got to the room, I was all wet in my pussy and ready to really go to town.
"I didn't put on any act, and Ed liked it that way. I just stripped, and he got undressed, and we got on the bed. He began by kissing my nipples, shoving his fingers up my pussy while he did so; then he moved down and spread my legs, and with his tongue, teeth, lips, and fingers, he gave me an orgasm inside two minutes!
"He stopped then, and just ran his hands all over my body, saying how beautiful I was, and kissed me in different places while he raved over my 'ripe, young beauty."
"I was feeling the gin and vermouth, but I was digging him a lot more. I began to play with his cock, and finally took it in my mouth and sucked it a little. It drove him up the wall, and I decided I'd finish him off that way. When he shot into my mouth, he was moaning and groaning and raving what a woman I was. I kept on sucking it until he got hard again, and then I stopped and rolled over on my back and spread my legs. 'Fuck me, daddy,' I told him, and I got a special kick when I used the word daddy. But he didn't know about that, and he went to town on me with all he had. He fucked me every way but loose, and I came at least three times before he got his rocks off once.
"As he lay there on top of me, I could feel his fingers playing around my asshole, and his cock starting to harden up again. Then he said a funny thing that let me know for sure what he thought I was. Ed said, 'I hope you won't be offended-but I'll pay you extra if you'll let me have you from the back. You know what I mean?' He was apologetic and embarrassed, but I giggled and said, 'You mean, up my ass?' He just nodded, not looking at me.
"I told him I liked it that way once in a while, and he was so goddamned eager and grateful that he was like a little boy. I got on my hands and knees after he got a real hard on, and he moved in and began to shove the head of it in. It was tight at first, but I loosened up quickly, and pretty soon he was shoving away like a wild dog, his cock going the full length into my ass. At the same time, I was playing with my clit, and I managed a good come about the time he shot his load up my asshole.
"He was real nice as he pulled it out. He explained, 'I hope you understand. I'm not queer or anything like that, but my wife-she'll never let me do that. I hope you don't mind. I'll make it up to you."
"He talked real nice while he was getting dressed, asking me how I had come to get into 'this business' so young, and all sorts of things. He even asked me how I had met my father-only he didn't know it was my father-and I got a kick out of that. I told him I had met him through a mutual acquaintance, and he told me that he worked for the same company as my father, but in a different division, though he knew him fairly well.
"I had a sudden inspiration. I told Ed, 'We haven't talked about money, but you've been nice, so-how about a hundred? And if that shorts you, just make out a check to "cash." That will do fine."
"It surprised him, I suppose, that I was so business-like about the whole thing, but he made me out a check. I didn't want him to know my name, but I sure wanted his name on a check. Would that shake up the old man!
"He asked me when I would be available again, and I made a date for the coming Friday night-at my home! I knew they would be out to one of their balls again, and even if they weren't, I wanted to play this goddamned sex game to the hilt. I even hoped they would be home when Ed picked me up. He didn't suspect that I lived with my parents, of course, and it would be quite a jolt for my father to have one of his business associates come calling to take his call-girl daughter out to a motel.
"I didn't know quite how to hit dad with the check, but he made it easy. That night, I went out and smoked a little pot-not enough to really turn on, and there was no hanky-panky or sex, just a gang of us smoking a couple of joints for the hell of it. It felt damned good to me to just be with kids my own age, and I remember thinking about the hang-ups of adults and kids, and wondering which were the worst off.
"When I got home, dad was waiting to talk to me. He was still boiling from the scene in the hotel room, and I knew he was pretty worried, too, about my crack that I'd fink to my mother if he made a funny move. My mother was getting ready for bed, so he asked me to come into the den, for a little talk.
"I couldn't help but remember all the sex scenes that had taken place in the den, when I walked in after him. He shut the door and told me to sit down. I had my first look at him as a cold, shrewd businessman, meeting a problem head on. He stood in front of me and began. 'I'm your father. I care about you, more than you realize. I made a bad slip the other night. I don't want any more. Today, you seemed to think that we were going to have an 'affair' of some sort. We're not-ever! I've apologized. Now, I'm making the rules!'
"I just smirked up at him, fondling the check in my pocket, waiting for the right time to drop the bomb. He went on in a rush. 'From now on, you are only allowed out on Friday or Saturday nights, and then, only until midnight! And I am taking you to a doctor and a psychiatrist to work with you on this drug problem! I mean this, Tammi. Don't force me to go to the juvenile authorities!'
"That about did it for me. Who the hell was he, to lay down rules of good conduct for me? A sexed up, cheating son of a bitch who would fuck his own daughter!
"'You didn't say anything about my sex life, daddy,' I taunted. 'I can do without all the rest, but I've got to have a lot of sex. I'm like you and mother. I need it, and in a lot of different ways, with a lot of different men."
"I thought he was going to slap me, but he just stood there, turning purple with rage. 'You're not going to blackmail me with what happened the other night!' he shouted in blind fury. 'I'll tell your mother what happened, and we'll call in the authorities, if you force it!'
"I retorted: 'Force it! Force it! You're the one that's pushing, pop, not me! But if you want war, then we'll have war. I'd rather make love than war, but you play it your way. Here-' I held out the check with Ed's signature, but only far enough for him to see it clearly and not be able to grab it. 'After you turned me off this morning, I went back down to the bar and met a man. I think you know him.' I let him get a good look at the name on the check. 'That's for services rendered, pops-up in a room he rented in the hotel. He thinks I'm one of your call girls. Ain't that a laugh?'
"He just stood there, his mouth open wide, disbelief and horror on his face. Finally he gasped, 'Ed Rankin! That lecherous old bastard. With my daughter!' He still couldn't make himself believe it.
"I poured it on. 'Yes, and he even paid a little extra for me to let him shove it up my asshole, daddy. But, just think-you had it all for free!'
"He stepped over and tried to get the check, but I put it between my legs and drew them up against my chest. I sat there gloating at the power I had, the utter command I had over him. What could he do?
"He stood there, just shaking his head, now white instead of red in the face.
"I said, 'So, I think I'll pretty much make the rules, pops, while you just shut up and do your fucking on the side all you want. Or-' I was really pouring it on, '-why not invite Ed to your Friday night orgy? I've got a date with him. Wouldn't that be something? Mother, father, daughter-all swinging at the same joint? Maybe Ed could show you a few things-or even mother!'
"That tore it. He came at me with his fists doubled up, hitting me anywhere the blows landed, which was almost everywhere on my body. He blacked both my eyes, cut my mouth, and left some bruises on my thighs and stomach that were horrible. He was crazy!
"I screamed as loud as I could, and at last my mother came in, a towel wrapped around her, looking frightened and bored, if you can imagine that combination.
"My father was cursing, calling me all kinds of names, but when she came in, he stopped and just stood in front of me, gasping, shaking. He pointed at me with a shaky finger and yelled at my mother, 'Look what you're raising, Millie! A beautiful little hopped-up slut! She's crazier about sex than you are-and she even gets paid for it!'
"My mother just scowled at him and said sharply, 'There's no need to beat her with your fists! You act like an animal.' She came over and patted my hair, but she didn't put her arm around me or kiss me. 'Go clean yourself up, Tammi,' was all she said.
"I walked to the door. I must have been a sight. I turned and told them, 'You'd better invite Ed Rankin to your party this Friday. If you don't, I'll bring him!' I stalked out and spent the next hour fixing my cuts and bruises. I didn't know how I was going to find out where the party would be, or if they would even go, now that I had blown the whole story, but they surprised me with their guts.
"Next morning, my parents faced me across the breakfast table, and they looked pretty grim. I had heard them arguing at the top of their voices far into the night, but I didn't much care what they had decided. My mother acted as spokesman. She snapped, 'You're not running this house, young lady.' Then: 'You're going to do as your father says. Now, we are having a party here this Friday. You will stay in your room-and your father will deal with this Ed Rankin! Now, it's up to you. If you want a fight, you've got one, but you can't win."
"I could see that they really meant business, and later that day, when I called Ed Rankin on the phone, he was in a panic. My father had threatened to have him arrested on charges of procurement, statutory rape, contributing to the delinquency of a minor-a whole bookful of charges. Rankin would have had it. He begged me to tear up the check, but I just laughed at him.
"I cashed the check at the bank where I had a savings account, and got hold of Al and some of the other kids, and we really blew a bundle on pot and H. I was really ripe, and I went on a real bender. I don't think I was really normal for the next three days, even when I was in school or at home. But on Friday morning, I really took on a load. I began with pot at school, and then I took off with two other girls and two guys, and we made a buy of some H and went to Sharon's house and really tied it on tight.
"By seven o'clock that night, I was walking on air, and I didn't give a damn what the hell happened to me or to the goddamned world.
"I asked the gang if they would like to go to a real live swap party, and of course they were all so high that they thought it was the idea of the week. So, we all piled into the car and headed for my house, about nine-thirty. If I'd been a little less high, I'd have known my parents weren't going to lay themselves open for me to bring trouble, but I was hell bent on getting even with both of them, and that chicken-livered Ed Rankin.
"They had guests in, all right, but it was just a mild booze party, and when we barged in, everybody was dressed and acting fairly sensible. Oh, they were dancing around, feeling a little high, making damned fools of themselves, but it wasn't any sex party, that's for sure.
"We went in the front door and then out into the den, where most of them were. My father put his drink down and came over and told us to get out. He was furious, but we were too high to be scared or even impressed.
"'Get those tramps out of here and go to your room, Tammi!' he yelled. The whole bunch was watching us, holding their breaths. I imagine most of them had kids my age, and they were getting a firsthand look at how the younger half lives. At least, their faces looked as if they were watching a horror movie.
"I ignored my father and huddled close to Al. I knew he'd belt my old man if he got rough with me. Al was over six feet tall. I was giggly and felt as if I could take on the world. I faced them and laughed. 'Where's all the sex? I thought you'd be fucking and sucking like crazy by now. What's wrong? No volunteers?' With that, I began to tear my clothes off, and when my father stepped in to grab me, Al hit him hard in the stomach and knocked him back. Dad was holding his stomach with both hands and groaning.
"I was stark-naked in a minute, and I walked out into the room and said, 'Anybody for some nice fresh ass? It's good-ask my father, he knows. Come on, don't be chicken-here's some fresh young fucking. I go both ways, front or back-fuck or suck. C'mon, you rotten bastards-come and get it!'
"I had really flipped from the emotion and the dope, and I was wild. I danced around, shoving my pussy at all the men, shaking my ass, cupping my breasts, and spreading the lips of my pussy wide open with my fingers.
"I didn't know it, but when we had barged into the house, my mother had called the police, so about the time that some of the women were having heart attacks at my actions, and when Al had begun to strip also, to join me in the fun, in walked four cops!
"There wasn't much more to it. A dozen witnesses to the thing, all of us kids high on H and pot, and my seething mother proffering assault-and-battery charges against Al. We were really dead.
"I don't recall a lot of the rest of that night, except that I was taken to juvenile hall, booked, and then taken to a hospital ward along with the others. We were all really sick. Now, I'm in a juvenile home for good-or at least, until I'm twenty-one.
"I didn't have a hard time getting off the heroin. I suppose I hadn't really had enough to get hooked, but I do miss the pot. And I miss the old gang and-to tell the truth-I miss my home. I have begun to see that it wasn't such a bad deal, even with all the wild sex parties my parents had, and the little attention they paid to me. I've had a chance to read a lot and to talk to a bunch of other kids in here, and my parents aren't any worse than most.
"The police questioned me a lot about my crack about my father liking my ass, but I at least did that much for him-I denied it, said it was the dope talking, and I had him get the check back from the bank and destroy it. I screwed everything up pretty good, and I don't really know why I did.
"My mother and dad are divorced now, and I guess I had some part in that, too. But I'm beginning to get things clear in my mind. I think I'll be all right when I get out of here, and will be able to make something out of my life. I know that the sex kick thing was just a freak thing. I don't miss it, and I'm not going the lesbian route that some of the girls in here are trying. I study hard. I think I'm going to become a social worker of some sort, if I can. I know now just how badly a bunch of young people, and their parents, need some counseling-some guidance in the early years, before it gets too far out of hand.
"I'm not trying to be noble or to atone for any so-called sins. What's done is done, and I'm paying for that. But I really do have a feel for other kids, and I think that I'll be a little better able to talk with them, because of what's happened to me. I hope so."
The psychiatrists who work with Tammi are confident that she will indeed become an effective and productive member of society when she is released from the institution. The picture is not as black as she seems to think, for her father is another person who has finally come to his senses, since the divorce from her mother. He is vitally interested in her progress, and he has good attorneys attempting to procure Tammi's release at an earlier date, contingent on her continued progress with the psychiatrists.
These professional men see great possibilities for her future, and they hold her up as a good example of what can be done to rehabilitate our young people who become entangled with drugs and sex. They also point to her case as an example of what parental neglect can cause, and how it occurs in poor as well as wealthy families.
As stated before, we neither condemn nor condone the actions of Tammi, nor of her parents, but we do feel very grateful to them for allowing us access to the facts of this interesting case. We feel that others may benefit from Tammi's frank interview, and that other parents might see the warning signs in their own home, and take appropriate action before it becomes a matter for the juvenile authorities.
CHAPTER FOUR
The Masochist
"I was always afraid of my father, even if he was crippled. He only had to bellow at me and I would start to shake. Sometimes he would scare me so much, just by hollering at me, that I would pee in my pants, and then I would really set him off. He would take them off and make me sit in a corner with my wet panties draped over my face; the smell of pee and the damp feel of it on my skin got to be so bad that I'd have nightmares about it.
"My mother was never any good at standing up to him, either, because she was as scared of him as us kids were. Besides, she had to work at every kind of job she could get, to help keep us kids alive. She was a scrubwoman nights and a cook in a restaurant days, for as long as I could remember, and that left us pretty much alone with my dad. She was always dead tired when she was home, and all she could do was sleep a little, and try to talk to us kids, to tell us to be good and listen to our father and not get him upset.
"She was always that way, thinking about him or us, and never about herself. I guess she loved my father, but I never saw them show it, like some kids' parents I see. I mean, they never kissed or held hands or did silly things like slapping one another on the ass, or making grabs for each other-things like that. In fact, I hardly remember ever seeing either one of them smile.
"Mostly, my father was drunk. He just drank all day long, from the time he woke up until he finally fell asleep in his chair in front of the TV, or managed to make it to bed.
"We lived in a three-room flat, but instead of having a parlor, we had beds put up in the front room, and there were two double beds in the tiny bedroom. The kitchen was hardly big enough to move in, so we had our table and chairs in the living room, too. One good thing, when I was real small I didn't know we were poor, and when you don't know you're poor, it isn't so bad.
"I began to notice my father when I was about six. He always made us take a bath on Saturday, though I don't know what difference it made, because every day and night was just like the one before. But I began to like to take a bath, because when he would dry me off he would use his fingers on my pussy, and I liked it when he would play with my knob. I don't know why he didn't do it other times, but it was always when I had my bath.
"There were six of us kids, and the oldest was eleven when I was five, and the oldest four were boys. When I was six, my sister went to live with an aunt, and that made me the only girl in the house. My brothers were real 'street rats,' and they seldom spent any time in the house. Not that I blamed them, but they hung around the streets, stealing anything they could get, selling it, and using the money for food or candy or soft drinks.
"Of course, I didn't know then that they were nothing more than street thieves, and we just seemed like strangers to each other. If they paid any attention to me, it was only to cuff me or swear at me. In a way, my whole world was my father, because he was the only one I ever really got to know.
"I remember that once in a while, one of my older brothers would fool around with my pussy. Rick was the oldest, and once when I was going to the bathroom, he waited until I got off and was pulling up my panties. He stopped me and reached down and spread the lips of my pussy open and grinned at me. That's gonna be a lot of fun some day for some guy," he said. I didn't know what he meant at the time, although that was after my father had started to finger-fuck me every bath night.
"I had begun to like it, and I started playing with myself a lot. First I used my finger, but then I tried other things like a bottle neck, a long knife handle that was rough on the outside, and other things. But mostly, I used my finger. I used to watch my brothers get undressed, and sometimes they would have a hard on, and would jerk off when they got into bed. That would get me all excited and I would play with myself until I got a good, warm feeling all over my bottom, and then I would go to sleep with my finger in my pussy.
"I always felt I wasn't wanted or liked, even by my mother, and my father seldom just spoke to me. He always hollered or swore at me, and the more he would yell, the clumsier I would be, because I was so nervous, afraid that I was doing something wrong, no matter what I did. I was about six when he began to finger-fuck me a lot, and I was almost eight when he began to do something different.
"He would sit me on his lap and dry my hair, and he would begin to finger me for a while, until I got real fidgety and hot, and then he would take out his cock and it would be hard. He would just let it creep up between my legs, and then he'd begin to squirm up and down, so it would slide up between my legs. It would rub against the lips of my pussy a lot, and that would get me all excited, and I'd want him to stick his finger up inside it again. Sometimes, he would really buck up and down, and a couple of times he shot a whole big squirt of white stuff out of the hole in his cock and it got all over me and him. I was afraid to ask what it was, because he would always put me down off his lap after that and drag himself into the bathroom. I could see him washing off his prick. He never did put me back on his lap when that would happen, and a lot of times, after he would finger me a lot, he would just set me off his lap and go into the bathroom and shut the door. When he would come out, he never took me on his lap anymore.
"He was always pretty drunk when that would happen, and once he fell asleep while I was sitting on his lap with his prick between my legs. I took it in my hand and began to play with it. I rolled back the skin at the end of it, and saw the red, shiny, wet head sticking out, and for some reason it got me all excited and I felt like I wanted to put it in my mouth and taste it. I wondered what it would feel like to have him stick that thing inside my pussy instead of his finger, but I was too scared to ask him to.
"There was an old man that lived in the same building that we did, and he was always cornering me when no one was around and playing with my cunt. He would take my panties right down and finger me, and once in a while he would get down on his knees and stick his tongue into it. It felt good, and I liked it, but he was always so scared that somebody would see us that he never really did give me a good feeling with his tongue, or his finger. He scared me, too. He used to look at me, real scary, and tell me that if I ever told anyone that he did that, he would catch me and cut my tongue out.
"When I was almost nine, the boys at school started to fool around, too. They would 'goose' me, running their fingers up the crack of my ass, and sometimes they would grab at my pussy and pinch it. I didn't have any breasts, but they would sometimes pinch my little nipples anyhow, and that hurt.
"But I began to listen to the dirty talk that they always did when they would fool around. They would ask me if I'd fuck, or if I'd 'take it in my mouth,' and it used to make me get all excited. Later, I would think about it, and wonder what it would feel like to be fucked, or to have their cocks in my mouth, and then I would masturbate a lot, just imagining that one of them was fucking me.
"My father would get a job every once in a while, but it never lasted long. He would always get drunk and argue with his bosses, or else his leg would be so bad that he couldn't go to work for a week or so, and he'd lose the job. All during the year I was eight, he didn't work at all, and he seemed to be meaner and drunk more. He didn't used to hit me much, but the more he was around without any work, the meaner he got. He kept me home from school a lot, saying he needed me to help him, and he used to hit me often.
"I wanted to tell my mother about it, but she wouldn't have said anything to him, because he had begun to beat her a lot. Sometimes, he would really use his fists on her, and I was always scared to death he was going to kill her. But she didn't ever hit back. In fact, she used sometimes to crawl over to him on her knees, with her face swollen or bleeding-and she would kiss his hand. Then he'd take her in the bedroom, and I would hear them making a lot of noises. Once I peeked in and saw daddy laying on his back, his cock big and hard, and my mother had it in her mouth, sucking on it like it was a lollipop.
"The funny thing that was happening to me was that, whenever my dad would hit me or spank me hard on the ass, I would get all hot between my legs. I couldn't figure it out, but afterwards, even while I was crying, I would lie down on my bed and play with my pussy, and it felt good.
"Dad began to finger me more often-on nights when I didn't take a bath, and he would usually take his cock out and slide it up between my legs and push it in and out, rubbing my pussy lips until I almost came, but I never did. I began to play with it, even while he was awake, and he didn't say anything or hit me, so I kept on doing that a lot. But he would shoot that stuff all over himself and me, and that used to make him mad. He would get mad and slap me, then tell me to get a washcloth and clean him all up. I used to like playing around with his cock and balls, and I didn't mind doing it at all. It gave me a chance to fool with his prick, and that got me all worked up so I had to play with myself as soon as I could.
"One night, he had been shoving it up between my legs as usual and had shot a lot of white juice all over my legs and his pants. He pushed me off roughly and told me to clean him up. When I took his sticky cock in my hand and began to wash it with the warm washcloth, it began to get hard again. Without realizing what I was doing, I began to skin it back and forth, and he slid down so I could reach him better, and I jerked it like I had seen my older brother jerk his cock.
"Dad squirmed and wiggled and grabbed my hand in his and held it so I did it faster, and then all at once, he pushed me away. He acted angry, and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.
"He took his cock in his hand and waved it at me. 'Take it in your mouth, girl!' he said angrily. 'Suck me off!'
"I had been enjoying playing with his prick, but now the tone of his voice, and his eyes all glowing, scared me. But I wanted to put it in my mouth. I was just afraid I wouldn't do it right, and he'd hit me again. I wanted him to like me so much-so very much.
"I put my hand around it and tickled
THE ENDof it with my tongue. Then I ran my tongue around the head of it, when it came out of the soft skin, and little by little I began to let it go deeper into my mouth. He was squirming like crazy, and he grabbed my head at the back and shoved my mouth down hard. I felt his cock go up against my tonsils, but I didn't gag. I just sucked as hard as I could, and as fast as I could, and he sort of helped me by pushing on the back of my head at the speed he wanted me to do it.
"After about a minute, he grabbed my head with both hands and pushed my face down hard. At the same time, I tried to suck harder, and I felt my mouth flood with his juice. It was hot and sort of salty, but it didn't taste too bad, so I swallowed it as fast as I could.
"After another minute, he collapsed back in the chair and I just kept on sucking it until there was no more. He was moaning, and patting my cheek, and he had a soft look on his face that I had never seen there before. He pulled my mouth off his soft prick and pulled me up on his lap. This time, he took my pussy in his whole hand, and he rubbed it softly, letting one finger go deep inside it as he did, and, for the first time in my life that I remember, he kissed me!
"I guess I was so hungry for that, for his love, that I went wild. I wanted to crawl inside him. I shoved my tongue deep into his mouth, and he sucked it, and all the while he was building up all those fires inside my pussy with his hand and fingers, and soon I felt that feeling spread from my knob all over my whole bottom and up into my stomach. I felt like I was in heaven, with his arm around me, my tongue in his mouth, and his finger deep inside my cunt. I just wanted to make him feel the best he ever had, and I got off his lap and got down on my knees and I sucked his cock as hard and as sweet as I knew how.
"Things were a lot different after that with us. He used to treat me real nice when we were alone, and the only time he hollered at me or hit me was when my mother or one of my brothers were around. I guess he didn't want anyone to know that he wasn't the mean, nasty man that they all thought he was. But I still was afraid of him, because he often used to threaten me, like that old man had, that if I told anyone what we were doing, he'd do something terrible to me. He didn't say what, but I didn't want to find out the hard way.
"The next night after I sucked his prick the first time, after supper, when the boys had gone out, he didn't even want me to do the dishes. He got me in the bedroom, took off his pants, and then took mine off.
"He flopped me back on the bed, spread my legs, and was almost slobbering. 'I want to eat that nice young cunt of yours, Vikki. It's mine. It's fresh and good. Let me eat it-all of it!' He buried his mouth between my legs and I felt his tongue dig deep into my cunt. Then his teeth closed over my knob and he began to nibble, and at the same time his finger went up inside me, deep and hard, his nail digging into the soft inside parts of me. I went absolutely wild. I thought I would faint, it felt so wonderful. I began to jump and wiggle, and he grabbed my ass cheek with one hand, digging his nails into it. Little by little, he began to shove one finger up my asshole. It hurt a little at first, but I was getting too much charge from my pussy to really care, and after a few minutes, when it began to slide in and out easily, it felt good.
"He was going wild, chewing my pussy, digging into my asshole, and driving me out of my mind with pleasure. All I could think of was why he had waited so long to give me this. It was a thousand times better than his finger had ever been, and I didn't want it to ever stop.
"We were wrestling about in a heap of tangled arms and legs and mouths, and the first thing I knew I was on fire between my legs, and daddy was moaning and groaning. He switched my body around so that his cock was near my mouth, and I took it and began to suck it. He went after my pussy again, as hungry as before, and this time he really shoved his tongue and fingers deep into it. I could feel his tongue massaging my knob, and at the same time his fingers were going deep inside me. When he began an up-and-down motion along my pussy, his nose went into my cunt, then along the back part and touched my asshole. It really sent the chills up and down my back, and I almost forgot to keep sucking his cock. But he made sure I wouldn't, by getting on top of me, so he could shove his cock down into my mouth as far and as hard as he wanted to. He choked me a little, but I was too excited and hot to really care. I just kept on sucking and swallowing when. I felt him shoot his stuff into my mouth, and a second later I had my come-and it was so good that I almost fainted. I just collapsed with all the fire that was running up and down my body and rolled onto my side so I could still keep his cock in my mouth.
"It was like I was a different person-a grown-up woman, like my mother-and now I knew why she would crawl over to my dad and kiss his hand and let him take her to bed. I loved him the same way she did, and he did the same thing for me that he did for her. He loved me-he really loved me.
"I didn't know it at the moment, but he had cut into the flesh of my pussy with his teeth, and his fingernails had broken the skin of my ass cheek, around my asshole, he had gotten so excited while he was sucking my pussy.
"All I could feel was a big tingle, all over my lower body, and it wasn't until later, when I washed, that I found out that I was really hurt. Even then, I didn't care. It was too wonderful to be loved that way to let a few little hurts spoil it. And I knew, somehow, inside me, that there was a lot better things he could do to me. Maybe-he might even fuck me, soon!"
The narrator of this sordid series of events is Vikki R. We make no pretense that her case is typical in any sense, except that it does parallel all too many cases of incest and rape that take place among the poverty-stricken peoples of our larger cities.
Vikki's case is interesting from a psychological point of view because of her extreme masochism. To the trained psychiatrist it is readily understandable that she should have strong feelings of inferiority, but it is not to the average person who has known the love and security of a home.
First, Vikki had a perfect example to follow in her hard-working and downtrodden mother. Whether they realize it or not, most girls of tender years tend to emulate their mothers, and Vikki had only the example of defeat and despair to follow. That her mother was an exceptionally weak creature is beyond doubt. She was willing to be a slave for some sixteen hours each day in order to support a thankless family and a cruel husband, and was grateful for the crumbs of sexual attention he condescended to toss her when the mood struck him.
Vikki's position in the family, as the youngest and also as the only girl, added to her feelings of being unwanted and, more or less, useless in the scheme of things. Her father did not even notice her, until such time as she began to develop as a female. Even then, he used her as a sometime plaything, working her up sexually then leaving her to work her own salvation for the nerve-racking tensions that were building inside her little body by masturbating herself.
Hers was an atmosphere of fear and abuse. The old man who sexually abused her used fear as his whip, her brothers scorned her and hardly knew she was in the home; her mother had no time even to talk or counsel her, much less offer love or affection. At school, she was the object of obscenities from older boys. Nowhere along the way in her young life had Vikki known love or even common kindness and consideration. She was little more than an animal, and, of course, her intelligence quotient was of a very low grade.
Like a beaten, neglected animal, she was so grateful for even the slightest show of interest in her that she was apt to perform any act any male asked her to. She had no fear of sexual contacts, because she had not been made aware of what might happen to one of her age at the hands of an unscrupulous male of whatever age.
She responded with her whole being when she was finally given a touch that, to her, signified attention, if not love. She was truly starved for affection and she was not equipped to distinguish crude sexual passes from loving gestures. It is difficult to blame her in any way for what she became, for she was truly the product of a sadistic father and a weak, helpless mother.
Integrally tied in is the fact of the father's sadism. It is an accepted fact in psychiatric study that many persons who are handicapped or crippled often overcompensate by becoming extreme tyrants who are often sadists. It is as if they seek out those who are even weaker than they are, both physically and emotionally, and try to make them pay for all the mishaps that may have befallen the crippled person. Of course, this is not always true, yet, when a crippled or handicapped person is a sadist, he is usually the most vicious type.
In studies of sadomasochism, it becomes evident to the scholar that there is a great deal of masochism in the makeup of a sadist. The masochistic portion causes them to feel sorry for themselves, and they compensate for this by having a compulsion to make others pay for their misfortunes.
Vikki's father was almost a prototype of the complete sadomasochist. He felt inferior, yet he domineered over all he could. He was capable of working, but he had not the moral courage to persist. He turned to alcohol for escape, and the effects of alcohol undoubtedly influenced his actions toward his wife and his daughter.
It is significant that Vikki makes no mention of her father attempting to dominate his sons. This doubtless was because they were rough, tough street urchins, who had neither fear of nor respect for their father; he was a weakling, and the opposite of what they admired and wished to emulate.
An interesting aspect of the study of analism is that while it is not necessarily a painful act for the person upon whom it is performed, it is often used by sadists to inflict punishment of the most cruel type, for it can easily be made to be painful, if the sadist so chooses.
Vikki's father had a variety of reasons for engaging in anal intercourse, as we shall see from the girl's account, but the basic reason he chose this form of sex with her, at her tender age, was self-protection. He was fearful of harming her physically by having regular intercourse and he was fearful of impregnating her.
We point these factors out simply because in her naivete and illiteracy, Vikki was not aware of any of the underlying emotions which motivated either her or her father. Knowing a bit about such motivations may make her continuing story more understandable to the reader.
"The whole world was nicer after that. I knew that my daddy loved me and would let me love him, and that made everything different. I got so I couldn't wait to get home from school to be with him. I always did most of the cooking and whatever cleaning up there was to be done, and even that was easier, with him acting so nice to me now.
"We did that almost every night-he sucked my pussy and I sucked his cock, and usually we ended up by sucking each other's at the same time. I liked that best of all. We just seemed to swallow each other up, and I felt close and safe and happy when we were doing it.
"Then one night, his leg started bothering him. He was mean, and he swore a lot, and I couldn't seem to do anything right for him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until I saw him in the bedroom, rubbing some liniment on his leg. It was all shriveled up and shorter than his other one, so it made him walk with a funny bounce. He didn't walk much when he was home.
"I went in his bedroom and asked him if I could rub his leg for him, and he told me to go ahead, but to be damned careful I didn't spill any of the liniment on his balls or cock, because it burned like hell. I knew it did, because it stung my hands when I rubbed him.
"I was nervous, because he was so grouchy and mean, and I spilled a little of the liniment on him. It landed on his cock, and he jumped a foot and slapped me hard across the face, knocking the bottle out of my hands and spilling it on the floor. I tried to grab it, but the more I tried to do something right, the more clumsy I got. He slapped me again and again, then grabbed me and shouted, 'Never mind the fucking liniment-take care of my cock!'
"I ran to the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth and began to rub the spot where he'd been stung. He kept on cursing me, calling me a clumsy fool and a brainless cunt. But the more I rubbed it, the harder it got, and before I realized he was getting hard, it was sticking up in the air like a hard banana. I wanted to make up to him for hurting him there, so I just took it in my mouth and began to suck it. He was pretty drunk, and I knew it would take quite a while for him to come, so I did the best I knew how. I sucked hard, moving my mouth up and down on his cock, letting my teeth scrape it a little, and I played with his asshole with the fingers of one hand and massaged his balls with the other. I knew all the things he liked most by now, and I was anxious to show him I was sorry about spilling the liniment on him.
"He pushed me away suddenly and told me to get all my clothes off. I wondered what I had done wrong now, but I stripped and stood there beside the bed, looking at him, waiting for whatever he was going to do. 'Get on the bed, girl,' he commanded, patting the bed. I climbed onto it, sitting beside him, wondering what he would do to me. He reached over and spread my cunt lips wide, then stuck his finger in and stared at it. 'You ain't big enough for fucking, girl,' he said, "but there's other ways. You get up on your hands and knees."
"I scrambled around, got on my hands and knees, and waited. He began to play with my asshole, shoving his finger in and out of it, and I could feel a little sting from the liniment that had gotten on his fingers, but I didn't say anything. I was used to him fingering my asshole by now, and when he was sucking my cunt, I liked him to do that.
"He reached for a jar of cold cream that my mother kept on a stand, and he smeared my asshole with it, shoving some up inside with his finger. Then he rubbed big gobs of it all over his cock, got down on his knees behind me, and began to stroke his cock, rubbing the cold cream in.
"'I'm going to shove it up your asshole, baby,' he said in a sort of warning voice. 'It won't hurt but a minute, maybe not at all. And it'll give me what I need. Now, you just relax, and let me do the rest."
"I felt the head of his cock enter my asshole-it wasn't much bigger than one of his fingers-and the cold cream really made it slide in pretty easy. It didn't really hurt, and when he began to pump it in and out, holding my hips and pulling me in closer to him, I could feel his balls slapping against my pussy lips and I really began to get a good feeling from it. Without even thinking what I was doing, I slid one hand down and began to play with my knob, pinching it and rubbing it hard, keeping time with his motions as he jabbed his cock in and out of my asshole.
"He began to moan and say nice things again, like, 'You got the sweetest ass in the world, baby,' and 'This is as good as a fuck,' and I began to build toward that big come. He went faster and faster, breathing hard, mumbling some words that I couldn't understand, and then I felt his hot juice shooting deep inside me. He gave a couple of deep digs at the end that really shook me up. But I was coming, too, and I didn't feel any pain from his cock. In a way, I was relieved that I had been able to make up to him for spilling the liniment. I just kept on moving my hips and ass around, and I began to like the feel of his prick inside my ass.
"I don't know how to explain it, but it was good for me, knowing that it was good for him. And he just kept right on. I glanced over my shoulder, and I saw that he was on his knees in a straight-up position, so he could look down and watch his cock going into my asshole. I suppose he got an extra kick out of that, because I got a big charge when I saw the look on his face.
"I was getting tired of the position, and I shoved a pillow under my cunt and rested on it, so that my butt was still up in the air and he could get into my asshole easily. He didn't mind. He let more of his weight down on me and he sneaked one hand around and began to play with my knob, and it always was better when he did it, so I had a couple more good comes before he shot his second load. By that time, with his juice inside me, and the slippery cold cream, his cock was going in and out of me real easy, with no pain at all.
"When he finished the second one, he rolled over and lay on his back, looking down at his softening cock. It was a mess. It was covered with slimy white stuff, oily cold cream, and little specks of my shit. He said, 'Vikki, get a cloth and clean your daddy up good.' I was only too happy to do it. I felt so much better, knowing I had made him happy, and he wasn't mean to me anymore. I washed him off real good, then wiped it with a towel, and then I just had to bend down and take it in my mouth again, to show him that I was happy.
"I wondered why he thought that my cunt was too small, when I was sure that my asshole was much smaller, but I was scared to ask him. That night, when I went to bed, I proved it to myself. I stuck my biggest finger up inside my cunt, and it went in easily. Then I shoved the same finger up my asshole, and I could feel that it was a lot tighter. I even tried it with the handle of a hairbrush my mother had, and it was the same thing. I wondered why he didn't want to fuck me the regular way. Maybe there was something wrong with my cunt-something different or dirty. I didn't know. All I knew was that while he had been ass-fucking me, I had wanted more. While I played with my knob, I kept wondering how much better it would feel if he would shove his prick up inside my cunt.
"Like I said, I had been listening to the talk that the kids at school always carried on about fucking, and I had watched dogs and cats do it, and I saw the way they acted, so I was sure that it was better when a man used his prick inside a female. I began to sneak up more and more and watch him and my mother in bed, and I was surprised to find that he ass-fucked my mother, too. But sometimes he would let her suck his cock until it got hard and then he would get on top of her and she would spread her legs real wide and they would go at it, and I could tell by the way she moaned and whimpered that it was good for her that way. The more I watched them and thought about it, the more I wanted to try it. But I was still scared to ask him to do it to me that way.
"I knew I had to try it with somebody, and I went out of my way to corner the old man that always felt me up and licked my cunt. One day after school I met him in the back alley, and he didn't make any move to grab me. I guess he was afraid that I would tell somebody. He started to walk on by, but I asked him, 'Don't you like me anymore?'
"He stopped and looked at me real funny, then he grinned. 'Sure I do, honey,' he said, 'but I just don't see much of you these days."
"I told him that I liked him, and that if he wanted, I would come to his place, so he could do things to me.
"He looked suspicious, but then he relaxed and said cautiously, 'Well, you come if you want to, my door's open all the time, but don't you let anyone know where you're goin'-hear?'
"I nodded and went away happy. I surprised him real good by going to his place that night, after the dishes were done. It was Sunday, the only day that my mother didn't work, and I knew I wouldn't have anything with my father that night, so I decided I'd try the old man.
"I knocked on his door and he hollered, 'Come in,' and when I walked in, he was sitting in his chair, reading, and he only had a dirty bathrobe on. I could see his soft cock hanging down limply, and I smiled and said, 'I told you I'd come."
"He got up and came over and locked his door. He only had a one-room kitchenette place, so it was all like one big room with a gas plate in the corner, and an old refrigerator that made a lot of noise. He had some books and a radio, and a bed and a chair and a couch. But he was suspicious.
"'Anybody know where you are?' he asked.
"I shook my head and walked over to his bed. I felt real grown up, since I had done so many different things with my dad. I felt, in a way, that I knew more about sex than he did, and I wanted to try to have him fuck me.
"I patted the bed, and he came over and sat down, but he didn't touch me.
"'Somebody been educatin' you, girl,' he said, squinting at me. I just nodded and reached out a hand and laid it on his cock. I could feel it under the cloth of his pants, soft, but it moved a little, and then began to get hard when I rubbed it a little.
"'You want to play a little?' he asked, and I just nodded and squeezed his cock. He reached over and took my panties off, and when I raised my bottom to let them slide down, he bent and kissed my pussy. He needed a shave, and his whiskers really brushed the lips of my cunt, and it made me all the hotter.
"He got down on his knees in front of me, and I spread my legs, and he began to really lick and suck my pussy. It made me all hot and excited, but I didn't want that, I wanted him to fuck me. I just came right out and asked him. 'Will you fuck me?'
"He drew his mouth away from my pussy and stared at me. I saw his eyes go down to my cunt and then back to my face. He shook his head gruffly. 'You're too young. I'd hurt you too much."
"I said, 'I don't care. I want it. I want you to do it'
"He got up and stood there, his hands on his hips. He thought I was pulling something. I could see that he had a partial hard on, and I spread my legs wide and laid back on the bed. I really wanted to get him on top of me and see what it felt to have a cock inside my cunt, instead of a tongue or a finger.
"'Fuck me,' I said, trying to use my best coaxing tone, and moving my body around on the bed so that he had to see inside my hot pussy.
"He dropped his robe and I could see that his cock was getting real hard now. He moved toward the bed and let himself down between my legs, holding his weight up with both hands, but his cock was touching my pussy lips. He used one hand to spread them, and started to put the head of it in, then all at once he stopped and scrambled to his feet. He was angry, and he pulled a pair of pants on with jerky movements.
"'Get out of here, you little bitch!' he said angrily, pointing toward the door. 'I don't know what you're up to, but I don't trust you. Now-you git!'
"I was frightened at the look in his eyes, and I grabbed my panties and slid into them and left. I went home and went into the bathroom and played with myself, imagining what it would have been like if he had put his cock way up inside my pussy. At the same time, I wondered what was wrong with my pussy. Something had to be wrong. Nobody wanted to put his prick in it.
"While I was lying in bed that night, thinking about the whole thing, I remembered what some of the boys at school had been saying. They had asked me if I would fuck. Why not try them? And then and there I decided that I would sure surprise the next one that asked me that, because I would. I wanted to.
"I was almost twelve, but I didn't have a sign of a breast. I was as flat as any of the boys, but I did have a nice round ass, and my legs had begun to take some shape, and I at least looked like a girl, although I never used any makeup. My mother never used anything but powder, and I had tried that and thought it made me look like a freak, or a ghost.
"I used to look at myself in the mirror, and I knew I wasn't pretty at all. But I noticed that a lot of other girls weren't any prettier than I was, and they still had a lot of boys hanging around them. I thought I knew why: because they let the boys feel them, maybe even fuck them, and I wasn't going to be left out anymore.
"It didn't happen right away, like I hoped it would, but about two weeks later a boy named Jimmy, who had played a lot of grab-ass with me, came up to me outside school and pinched my ass. 'How about it, kiddo?' he said with a wicked grin. 'How about a fuck?'
"I smiled at him and said, 'When and where?' It really stunned him. He stopped and said, 'You putting me on, kid?' I shook my head. He looked thoughtful, then said, 'If you're not shit-tin' me, let's go to my house right now. There ain't nobody home until six."
"I felt like I was drunk-or, at least, the way I thought being drunk felt. I just grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 'C'mon,' I said, trying to smile at him in a sexy way.
"He was fourteen, and big. He had black hair and a nice smile, but he wasn't good-looking-at least, I didn't think so, but as we walked to his house he held my hand in an awkward, embarrassed way, and I could feel the sparks going back and forth between us. I knew he really meant it, and I also sensed that he didn't know any more about fucking than I did. So, we would learn together. Maybe that was the best way, I thought.
"And then we were at his house. He blushed and asked me to walk around the alley and come in the back way. He didn't want anyone to see his 'date.' I didn't mind. By that time, I had seen that he already had the start of a hard on, and I knew that we were going to go all the way and that I was going to be fucked at last!
"When I walked into the back door and into his kitchen, he was waiting, and he took me in his arms and began to kiss me-not tongue kisses, but he kissed me all over the face and ended up with his tongue in my ear. I began to get hot, and I grabbed for his cock and rubbed it. It was already stiff, and when I rubbed it he began to pant and moan, and he gasped, 'Let's go into my bedroom."
"He took me by the hand and led me into his bedroom. It was a mess, but it was all glamour to me. It was the first time I had ever been in a boy's room, and it made me feel even hotter.
"He began to kiss me again, and he laid me down on my back and ran his hand up under my dress. He played with the lips of my pussy through my panties for a minute, while he kept on kissing me, and then he slid his hand in the elastic and slid them down and off. He stopped kissing me and crawled down and began to play with my cunt, spreading the lips, feeling my knob, running his finger in and out. I thought he was going to put his tongue in, but he didn't.
"Instead, he got his prick out. It was already hard, but he played with it a little, while with his other hand he felt my knob. He spread my legs, got in a crouching position between my legs, and said, 'You ever done this before?' I just nodded. I guess he thought I was lying, but I didn't want him to get scared, like the old man and" my father had been.
"He lowered himself down, his cock in his hand, and I spread my legs wide for him. I was all wet and hot, and when I felt the head of his cock pushing inside my cunt lips and touching my knob, I almost went crazy. I had known it would be like that, and I just raised my ass up to help him get in, and when it slid all the way in, and he began to pump away in a clumsy way, I just wrapped my legs around his hips and tried to keep his cock in me as deep as it would go with every push he made.
"When he started to come, he suddenly unlocked my legs and pulled his prick out. He grabbed it with his hand and finished by jerking himself off! I watched him, and saw the white stuff shooting out of his cock and into his hand, and I was all mixed up. I hadn't come. I was trembling with wanting him to make me come, and here he was, jerking off, instead of finishing fucking me! I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh. I was just going crazy, and all I could think of was to beg him to suck my pussy. 'Jimmy, Jimmy,' I begged. 'Do something ... suck me, suck me ... do something."
"He looked at me as if I were insane, and he put his cock in his handkerchief and wiped it off, then tossed the handkerchief under the bed. I lay there, my legs wide, my cunt open, wet, juicy-and he looked at it and his lips curled in disgust.
"'You think I'm a cuntlapper? That I'd put my mouth on that dirty slit?' Jimmy sneered. Then he reached out and put his hand in my face and pushed me hard! 'Get your pants on and get the hell out of here, you dumb cunt!'
"I was numb and bewildered. He had wanted to fuck me, and I had wanted him to, and now he acted like he hated me. He hadn't fucked me-at least, I hadn't got anything out of it, and he had ended by quitting and then jerking off. I couldn't figure it out. He stood beside me, looking like he wanted to hit me.
"'C'mon, shitface, get out,' he said.
"I grabbed my panties and put them on and walked out. I was crying, and I was hurting between my legs from wanting him to finish me. And when I got home, I couldn't even masturbate, I was just so numb and dead inside. I didn't know what I had done. I only knew that he had treated me like a bitch dog.
"I wanted something so bad. I woke my father up and asked him if we could do something. He was pretty drunk, but we went into the bedroom and I sucked his cock until it got pretty hard, and then I got on my hands and knees and asked him to ass-fuck me. It was the closest I could get to a real fuck, and while he was screwing me in the ass, I played with my knob, and I came, but not real good. I cleaned my father's cock up and he went back to sleep in his chair, after a couple more drinks, and I just laid on my bed and cried. The whole world seemed to be turning away from me. Nobody wanted me or needed me, like I did them.
"But it passed, and we went on the same way as before, my dad and I. We had some good times, when we would both suck each other at the same time, and he enjoyed putting his cock in my ass, and I knew that one day I would be big enough, and then we would do it the right way.
"But it didn't work out that way. I never did get fucked by my father, not in the cunt. I met Gary. He was eighteen and I was thirteen, but when we started going together, it didn't make any difference. I had been menstruating for a year, and my father still hadn't tried to have me the regular way, but when I met, Gary, he treated me like I was a woman. He worked in a grocery store where we traded, and I had been seeing him for a long time, but he had never noticed me. Then one day I saw him staring at my breasts and my ass, as if he were seeing me for the first time. He came over and waited on me, then he asked me if I would go to a movie with him that night.
"I don't know what happened, but I guess I fell in love right on the spot. I was in a funny kind of a daze when I left, and it lasted until he picked me up on the corner near my house, and we went to a drive-in movie.
"I don't even remember what the movie was, because Gary put his arm around me and held me close, and he felt my breasts and kissed me, and then he asked me to get in the back seat with him. When I did, he just slid off my panties, spread my legs, got down on his knees, and began to lick my pussy. I had never felt as much on fire as I did the second his tongue went inside me, and I knew that I wanted to suck his cock, too. I guess I knew that that would be just the beginning, and I pushed him away, told him to get up on the seat, with his head by my cunt and his cock near my mouth, and I took it out and began to suck on it. It felt and tasted wonderful. I just wanted to let him feel all of my love come through my mouth to his cock, and I sucked it and played with it with my tongue, and he buried his face between my pussy lips, and we just forgot everything and just sucked the love from each other. When I came, he kept his teeth close to my clit, nibbling it gently, and I had a whole series of comes inside a minute, as I felt his beautiful juice flowing out of his cock into my mouth. I couldn't have stopped myself from swallowing it; it was like food to me. I was so hungry for him. I cleaned him all up with my tongue and lips, and then he sat up and kissed me on the mouth. He put his tongue inside it, playing with my tongue, sucking it as if he wanted to draw me right into his body.
"'Let's go somewhere where we are all alone, sweet Vikki,' Gary said, 'so I can make love to you the right way."
"We drove out into a deserted section of the city, where there were a lot of warehouses, and nobody around, and we got a blanket out of his trunk and spread it on the ground and he undressed me. He kissed me all over while he was taking off my clothes, my breasts, my stomach and legs, then the lips of my pussy. He took his clothes all off, and we stood there naked in the moonlight, just looking at each other. I knew I had found my love at last.
"I laid down, and he stretched out beside me, and he played with my pussy while he kissed my ears and my hair, and I played with his cock. I loved the feel of it, and without any words he got on top of me, spread my legs, and put it in.
But as the head of his cock was going into my cunt, he put his mouth on mine and said, 'I love you, Vikki. I really do love you."
"And as it slid in, deep, hard, hot-rubbing my clit with every in-and-out motion, I just let my body do what it had wanted to do for so long. I melted into Gary's body, and even though it was my first time, everything seemed to be just right. I seemed to know what to do, and Gary put his hands beneath my ass and lifted me so that he could get every last tiny precious bit of his cock deep inside me. It just was perfect. It was slow and quiet, but so good and satisfying. I never knew that my body could feel that light and warm and electric, and I must have come four or five times, while Gary was coming twice. We just went from one orgasm to the other, without any stop, and I was in heaven. To feel him inside me, to know that he loved me, and that I could make him happy even for a few moments, was like a dream coming true-a dream I'd never really dreamed.
"We stayed there a long time, and I asked him over and over if he really meant it when he said he loved me. He said it a thousand times, and he kissed my body all over-even my asshole. I was drunk with it, with his couch and his kisses and his love, and I never wanted to leave him.
"He lived alone in a furnished apartment, a little kitchenette type, and I begged him to let me go home with him. But he was sensible, even though he was half wild with love, and he told me that that would only get us both in trouble and could split us up. He said that, now that he had found me, he would never let anyone take me away from him. He said we'd find a way and would go away together as soon as he could get the money. I went home that night, in a cloud of happiness so big that I didn't even hear my father screaming at me, wanting to know where I'd been until almost midnight, and I hardly even felt it when he hit me with his fist and knocked me down. He couldn't hurt me anymore. Nobody could, ever. I had my love. I was loved. I loved. I was a whole person-a woman in love.
"My father picked me up and flopped me on my bed and left me there. My brothers were home and asleep, and I don't know if he would have ass-fucked me or not if they hadn't been there. But he went to bed, half drunk, and I didn't even take my clothes off. I just crawled under the blanket and went to sleep, and my night was filled with the dreams of Gary and his mouth, his hands, his cock, his naked, beautiful body.
"I couldn't stay away from him. I skipped school next day and went to the store. I couldn't get enough of the sight of him. It embarrassed him a little, but he was kind. He told me to go to his place and when he got off for lunch he'd come to be with me for at least awhile.
"We made love again, and it was sweet. I wanted just to kiss his whole body, forever, but we only had each other once, the regular way, and then he had to go.
"It went on for a couple of weeks like that, and I was missing a lot of school and staying out nights, and finally I told Gary I had to be with him, and I took my few clothes and moved into his place.
"He was worried that my parents would find me and put me in a juvenile home, and he almost cried when he tried to figure out what to do. He came home at noon the second day I had been with him, and he gave me a hundred dollars. He told me to take a bus to Los Angeles and that he would be with me in a week.
"I didn't want to leave, but I wanted to please him, and I came to Los Angeles and rented a room. Gary has called me almost every day, and even though it is taking longer than he figured, he is coming to me soon. He had to pay back the money he borrowed, and he's sent me some more, and in a couple more weeks we'll be together again. I can wait. I haven't told him yet that I'm going to have a baby. I'm saving that for a surprise, and I'm working as a babysitter full-time days for a woman with three small kids.
"I love kids. I can't wait until ours comes. Then my life will be complete-with Gary and a baby."
The end of Vikki's story is yet to be written. At present, she is seven months pregnant, and Gary has never shown up in Los Angeles. He sent money for a while, but when Vikki told him she was pregnant, the phone calls and the money stopped.
As Vikki progressed, she developed some severe pregnancy complications, and the woman with whom she lived became alarmed and had to call the juvenile authorities, for Vikki's own welfare.
She is in a charitable home for unwed mothers. She is still dreaming of the day when Gary will come, and she is eager for his baby to fill her arms and partially fill her life. Authorities have suggested that she place the child for adoption, but she will hear none of it. They feel that she is extremely inadequate to support herself, much less a small baby, but there is one possibility: the woman with whom she lived is perfectly willing to take her back-along with her child.
There is a legal problem, of course, but when Vikki told her story to the authorities, concerning her long sexual abuse by her father, they investigated and found it to be substantially true, and she was made a ward of the state. It is possible that this kind woman will be able to assume legal responsibility for Vikki, and if so, she will at least have a decent home and part of her dream.
What will happen when the bubble bursts is hard to predict. Love has changed Vikki. Just how much it has lifted her above her sordid background and experiences is hard to tell. She does get the physical and material care she has so long needed, and in a sense she has affection and consideration and a home for the first time in her life.
When Vikki was contacted, and her pathetic story heard, an attempt was made to contact Gary. He had gone. It can only be hoped that, someday, Vikki will again find love, and that this time it will be a lasting, good love that is not based on sexual desire alone.
CHAPTER FIVE
The Old Maid
"I can't see what this whole thing is all about. We see these kids marching around with flowers in their hair, and they carry posters saying Make Love-Not War, and the whole world doesn't know a thing about love. They don't know how to give it, or take it, or even how to just sit and watch it.
"When Larry and I are in bed, what is there but love? So, he's my nephew, the son of my younger sister. He's-well, different than most boys his age. And that means that he doesn't need love, or know love, or give love? Or I?
"So, the world calls ours an 'unnatural' relationship. It has to be dirty and perverted and even illegal? And love has nothing to do with it? Right? Well, the world had better sit up and take a goddamned good look at what love is. It isn't a piece of goods that you can buy at the supermarket. It isn't a set, cut-and-dried thing that has to happen between a couple of snot-nosed kids, with stars in their eyes. Love is the only thing in the world that really counts, and who says what shape or form or color it has to take. Who lays down the strict rules of how a man must love a woman, or a woman a man; Who makes the age limits? 'They-' that damned, faceless bunch of nobodies that everyone says rules the world. 'They' don't approve. 'They' say it's wrong. And who the hell are 'they,' anyhow?
"A rebel? You bet your sweet ass I am, and I don't back off from anyone. Why should I? I've got nothing to be ashamed of. I make my own living, and I pay my way, and I give all I have to give to Larry.
"When I lay my body down, and offer it to him, and he shoves his prick up my asshole, in my mouth or in my pussy-what in hell is it to anybody? I like Larry to ass-fuck me. Know why? Because it's what he needs and wants. I'd give my life if I could help him to change, but if he can't, then I'm going to go along with his way of fucking.
"You see, Larry is a homosexual. I think I knew some of the reasons, but I'm no psychiatrist or philosopher, I just use my heart and my head. And I think I know why I'm like I am, at least, partly. So, maybe I'd better go back to the beginning. I'll tell you about me first, then we'll talk about Larry and I.
"I'm the oldest. There were two of us girls, Larry's mother, Evelyn, and me. My name is Charlotte, but everyone has always called me Charlie-which might tell you something about me. I was always more of a tough, man-like person than a woman, because I had to be. My mother died when I was twelve and Evie was eight years old. My father never did marry again-he didn't have to, really, because I became housekeeper, cook, laundress, lover and wife to him, from the time she died.
"My father was a good man. He worked hard and did the best he could for his family. My mother was a cold sort of woman. At least, I never saw her show my dad any affection. I guess he was like I was, starved for it, so it was natural that we should give it to each other in every way after my mother died.
"The first time my father ever touched me sexually was about a week after my mother died. Evelyn was in bed, and I was finished with the dishes and had packed my dad's lunch for work next day and put it in the refrigerator. I was tired, and I walked in and kissed him good-night. I had been in my robe, with nothing on under it, and I didn't think anything of it. I'd always walked around half-dressed in front of him.
"But as I bent over, my robe fell open and my breasts showed clearly, and so did my pussy. I had pretty good breasts for twelve, and I had soft, reddish hair all around my cunt and under my arms. I didn't notice for a minute how my father was all tensed up, as he looked at my naked body. Then all at once, he reached out and touched my nipple, caressing it softly. It got hard, and I felt a strong need for him to do more. I wanted him to kiss my breasts, touch me all over, and hold me close. I just felt lonely, and I knew he was-terribly lonely.
"His hand moved down between my legs, and he ran his fingers through the soft hair around my pussy, then he began to rub the lips of it, real gently, lovingly.
"'You're almost a woman, Charlie,' he said softly. ' ... a lovely, sweet woman.' And almost without thinking, he reached around me, cupping my ass cheeks with his hands, pulling me close. He kissed and sucked my nipple, then the other one, and finally, he bent over and stuck his tongue into my cunt. It was a feeling I'd never known before-hard to describe. I guess I had masturbated some, but not too often, and when I did, I used to fantasize about some movie star-never about a boy in school or anyone I really knew-certainly not about my father.
"I'd always loved him and, I guess, admired him as a man. He was a big man, strong, good-looking in a manly way, and I used to be proud when girls from school would tell me what a handsome father I had. He had red hair, too, and I looked a lot like him.
"But when I felt his tongue slide into my cunt, and the tip of it began to play with my clit, and I looked down and saw his mouth between my legs, I didn't feel like a daughter-I felt like a woman, ready for love from a real man. I tried to squat a little, so he could get his tongue in deeper, but it was an awkward position. I pushed him away, walked over to the couch, dropped my robe on the floor and laid down on my back, looking over at him, my legs spread wide.
"He didn't say a word. He walked over, took off all his clothes and laid down beside me. He kissed my eyes and my neck and ears, then he began to kiss my body all over, using his hands to love parts he wasn't reaching with his lips. It was as natural and sweet as if we were married. The thought of his being my father, and this being incest, didn't enter my head. I was too wrapped up in what this man, whom I loved and admired, was bringing to my body and my heart with his loving.
"When he finally moved down and spread my legs, I was all ready to come. Once his mouth locked on my cunt, and his tongue began to go in and out, pressing hard against my clit, I think I came within thirty seconds. He could feel my clit bobbing up and down, and I pushed my ass high, to make his tongue go deeper, and he kept the pressure on my knob until I came twice more.
"Funny, but after all those comes, I was hotter than ever. I wanted his body-his prick, the feel of his arms around me, and I pulled his head away from my cunt and said, 'I want you ... inside me."
"He moved up and I could see how hard and erect his cock was. I was excited, yet calm, as if it were something I'd always known would happen. I reached down and took it in my hand, playing with it a little, and he got into position, resting his weight on his knees and elbows, and I spread my pussy lips with my fingers and put the head of it inside me. He began to slide it in and out, and it felt wonderful. I'd heard all the stories about how it hurts the first time a girl was fucked, but there was no hurt for me ... just excitement and fulfillment.
"When it was going in and out easily, he let his weight down, taking my head in his arms, kissing my ears and my lips, and as he began to build up toward orgasm, I turned my open mouth to his, and his tongue went inside, deep and hard. He was moaning and panting, and we just sensed from one another's movements that we were on the brink. We let our bodies go, finding their own natural rhythm, and when we came, it was like a dream.
"The whole world got pink and white and pretty, and I was floating on air. It was a moment of complete, utter happiness. We belonged to each other perfectly and completely, and when it died down a little, we just lay there, his cock in me, saying to each other, over and over, 'I love you."
"Afterwards, still naked, on the couch, we talked. Dad asked me if it was my first time, and I told him it was. 'I'm glad, Charlie,' he said softly. 'I wish it could always be me-that you were my own forever."
"I told him I was, and I wanted to be. For a long time, we just stayed that way, touching each other, kissing, exploring in our hearts this wonderful new thing that we had found. Dad said, after a while, 'You know that people say this is wrong, don't you?'
"I said I supposed so, but it wasn't wrong no matter what anyone said. It was good and sweet and right, and I told dad I wanted to always be his, that way. I got all teary-eyed and clung to him, saying that no matter what anyone said, I wanted to be his-to love always, whatever way he wanted to, and that I hoped he would love and want me that way.
"He picked me up in his arms and took me into his bed. It was like a sacred ritual, when he kissed me again, all over, including licking my asshole and shoving his tongue up inside it, and when he put his cock into my cunt again, he stopped a moment, kissed my mouth and said in a husky voice, 'This is your bed, your place, forever, Charlie."
"And it was. For about a month it was as if we were on a honeymoon. We kissed and touched and loved every part of each other's body. After a few nights, he asked me to take his cock in my mouth and suck it, and I was only too happy to bring him any kind of pleasure. Oh, how much in love with him I was! He was so gentle with me, offering to pull it out before he came in my mouth, but I told him I didn't want him to-I wanted to suck all the sweetness of him into my mouth, fill my whole body with it.
"Then I missed a period. I wasn't bothered until it got past two weeks overdue. I started menstruating when I was barely twelve, and I had never had really regular periods, but I finally told him I hadn't come around when I thought I was due. He got some ginger, a strong laxative, and something called ergot-apiol. Then I took hot baths, the medicine and the physics, and inside twenty-four hours, I began to flow.
"But he was scared, and he said we would have to be more careful. He got me a douche bag and some strong douche powder, and some safeties for himself. We began to cut down on sex, too, and I could tell that it wasn't as good for him, using a condom, as it was naked. It wasn't quite the same for me, either.
"One night, I began to kiss him and play with his cock, kissing it a little, and when I was ready, I asked him to have me. When he got up and looked, he was all out of condoms. I begged him to take a chance, anyway, because I wanted him to fuck me so badly, but he wouldn't.
"He began to kiss me, and then he suddenly broke away from my pussy and lay beside me, taking my face in his hands and looking into my eyes.
"'Charlie, honey,' he said, 'You do love me, and I love you. Would you trust me to do something that might hurt a little, or shock you?' I told him, 'You know I would, daddy.
He said:
"'I want to put it in your asshole, sweetheart, it's something I always wanted to do with your mother, but she would never let me. She said it was dirty, like dogs do it; but it isn't, honey, if you love me. Can I?'
"He didn't know it, and I couldn't explain it, but it thrilled me to know that I could give him something he had wanted so badly, something that my mother had denied him. For an answer, I reached for his hand and put it behind me, pushing his fingers close to my asshole. He shoved one finger in, and we just kissed, tonguing each other's mouth, me rubbing my cunt against his cock, and his finger sliding into my asshole, deeper and deeper.
"I rolled onto my face, and he went to the bathroom and got some vaseline and smeared it on my ass and all over his cock. His prick was hard and stiff, and he told me to get on my hands and knees. When I did, I noticed that I could see our reflections in the mirror, and it gave me a thrill to watch him position himself behind me, then move in and insert the head of his prick into my asshole.
"It slid in easily, and it didn't hurt much, just felt uncomfortable, as if I had to take a big shit. But when he began to shove it in deeper and faster, it didn't hurt at all. I watched in the mirror and loved the look on his face-almost as if he were in delicious pain. I told him it didn't hurt, that I wanted him to come, then he met my eyes in the mirror, and we looked at each other, making love with our faces and eyes, while he shot a load of semen up my asshole!
"It didn't make me come, but it was as good, because I knew how much it meant to him-how really total it made our love. There was no way that I couldn't satisfy my lover! There was nothing-nothing in the world-that we couldn't share with each other, just because we loved one another. And, though I didn't think of it at the time, it was a way I could make him happy sexually, and have no fears at all about getting knocked up!"
Our subject is Charlotte G-She is now 37, has never married, and she lives in a small southern California town, where she owns and manages a small apartment building which she purchased with the insurance money left by her father.
She has a nephew, Larry, who lives with her and who is, in a strange way, her lover.
Charlotte is honest about her relations with her father and with her nephew, and hers is an interesting case of incest because of the lack of inhibitions or guilt feelings.
Psychiatrists rarely come across a case of incest between father and daughter, based totally on normal, man-woman love. That this was true in her case is obvious. The affair, which lasted many years without any interruption, or without either Charlotte or her father knowing sexual relations with another person, stands as proof of the depth of the love they bore each other.
The death of the mother triggered the unlocking of a pair of lonely, needful hearts. Unfortunately, we cannot look at the relationship from the father's viewpoint, but it seems fairly reasonable to assume that he, like many fathers, had felt a strong physical attraction to his daughter as she blossomed into young womanhood. When his sexual partner was taken away, he looked, in his lonely need, at his daughter for the first time as a sex object, and a ripe, developed, sexually attractive female.
We have heard from Charlotte, of her admiration of and pride in his manly good looks. This, too, is not uncommon in girls her age. Many psychiatrists are positive that a girl is at her most sexually aggressive period from age twelve to fifteen; and from the unabashed, guiltless manner in which Charlotte approached and encouraged her father's sexual love, it is plain to see that in her case, at least, they were right.
Many other points in her account tend to be almost classic in their naturalness. Had her mother lived until Charlotte had developed into a normal young woman, having normal social contacts with boys her own age, it is questionable that she would have ever allowed her latent sexual desires for her father to have developed as they did.
When they were thrown into a close, intimate relationship which, save for the sexual factor, approximated that of a man and wife (she was the homemaker, cook, housekeeper), it was psychologically un-likely that that relationship would have grown into an unsexual one.
Later, in her account, we see that Charlotte actually did see herself as her father's natural lover and sex partner. Recall her thrill when her father asked her to engage in anal intercourse-a thrill that had its roots in the fact that she was, in effect, a better, more willing and satisfactory lover than her mother had been.
Her calm, adult approach to her near pregnancy, her acceptance of the use of condoms, the manner in which they mutually discussed and worked out their problems-all these point dramatically to the fact that she envisioned herself as a capable, grown woman who not only wanted her father sexually, but who felt that she was fully entitled to enjoy this position as his wife.
It would be interesting to conjecture what the ultimate result of this relationship might have been, had not fate taken a hand, but we must deal with the facts as Carlotte tells them.
"I suppose it was my fault-and dad's-that Evelyn became a wild little sexpot. We were so close to each other that I suppose we neglected her a great deal. I mean socially, spiritually, emotionally. I always took good care of her physical and material needs; saw that she dressed well, was cared for--just as if I were her mother.
"But daddy and I were too much in love to give her the solid things she needed, and as soon as she began to sense this, she withdrew into herself. When she came out of her shell, she went the opposite direction. She was like a lost puppy-she'd have responded to anyone who showed her any attention or kindness, I suppose.
"So, when she was fifteen-and I was nineteen-she got pregnant. We never did know who the father of her baby was. My father was kind about it, though. He told her it didn't matter, that she ought to stay at home and have the baby, and we'd face the community as a family and tell them to go to hell if they didn't like it.
"Instead, Evelyn just disappeared one day. She took a little over a hundred dollars from house money I used to keep carefully in envelopes marked rent, groceries, insurance, all that stuff.
"My dad went into a real blue period after that. He blamed himself too much for it. For a while, even he and I had some bad times, arguing, blaming ourselves and each other for what happened to Evie.
"But eventually, we came back to the same sweet ways we had known for so many years. And without Evelyn there, it was almost as if we were even closer. Maybe we were lonelier than we thought without her, but whatever the reason, it was as if we had gone through a tough time together, as man and wife, and had been welded more closely by it.
"Daddy had a heart attack one day at work, and they took him to the hospital. By the time I got there, he was dead. I was alone in the world. I was lost. Desolate. My life was over, too. I didn't know any other world but him. I was twenty-five years old. I had quit high school in my junior year. I never had a job. I didn't even know how to live with people, or what the world outside my door was all about, and I needed love, kindness, help of all kinds. But I was a stranger, even in the town I had been raised in. I had put all my love into my home and my father, and now I felt like a newborn, unwanted, unloved baby.
"But daddy had seen to it that I wouldn't ever have to worry about money. He had used most of my mother's insurance money to buy extra insurance for himself, and when he died, I had over a hundred thousand dollars.
"I knew I had to have a different set of surroundings, so I came here, invested most of the money in the apartment unit and tried to start a new life. It was as if I had never lived. I didn't even know how to meet people, which made me the loneliest person in the world.
"A couple of times, a man would show some interest in me. I suppose it isn't strange that I didn't want any young men. And, I guess I was too pushy with the men who did interest me. I mean, I just wanted to find out quickly if they could thrill me in bed, as my father had, and that cheapened me.
"The others, and there weren't many, were just old wolves, looking for a good thing. I mean, when they found out that I wasn't just the manager of the apartment unit, but that I owned it, some of them made it quite clear that that was what they wanted :-to get their hands on the place. They didn't care about me as a person or as a woman, only as a possible gold mine.
"So, I just pulled in my horns and lived alone-completely alone. I began to read a lot, watch TV, take home courses in everything from sewing to commercial art. Of course it didn't help-not in my heart or inner life. I was still lonely.
"Then Evelyn showed up with Larry. It's hard to tell you how I felt. She was a tramp-a real barfly type slut. She was hard as nails, broke, and needed a home for herself and Larry. Naturally, I let them live in one of the apartments, and as the days wore on, Larry and I began to see what the other one was, a lonely, mixed-up person, needing love, attention-identity. We needed to belong to someone-anyone, it seemed, and we began to spend more and more time together, while Evelyn just went further down the drain.
"She drank a lot and used to bring men home with her. When she did that, she would either send Larry over to stay at my place, or she would be so disgusting and abusive that he would come over by himself. He told me that he hated the men she hung around with, and since then I have read a lot of psychology, and so I knew that his disgust with the men he knew, through her, had a lot to do with his becoming a homosexual.
"He came to hate women, because he distrusted and detested her, and he feared instinctively that he might become involved with a cheap tramp like her. On the other hand, he hated the cheap, hard boiled tramps that his mother always had around, and he did not want to become what they were. He was a soft, sensitive boy, and he wanted to know some kindred souls-some decent, soft, sentimental and kind persons.
"He met them. He found two boys at school who were as lonely and introverted and disgusted with life and the world as he was. Or maybe, they were just bewildered by it, I don't know. People can get lost in the middle of a crowd of so-called friends.
"Then one night, Evelyn was gone. She left a note for me, saying that I owed her that much, to take care of Larry for her, because I had gotten all the insurance money, and all of dad's love, and she never had anything from him or me. It was a nasty letter. She wrote it while she was drunk. She didn't even bother to write a note to Larry, poor kid. She just walked out of his life.
"I guess I didn't care about Evelyn. She had messed up her life so shitty that there wasn't any chance she would ever be anything decent.
It was Larry I cared about-and, I think, even then, I loved. He was the only blood relation I had, the only link with a life that had been sweet and good, even though he hadn't been a part of it.
"He moved in with me, and he took it pretty well. I suppose he felt he hadn't really lost his mother, because he had never really had one.
"The first night he lived with me, he was quiet and sad-faced. Perhaps he felt that he was a charity case, so I told him simply and truthfully that he wasn't, because if his mother had stayed at home with us, half of all the money from the insurance would have been hers-and his. It didn't help, and he said he wanted to go to bed. It was early, and I worried. When I listened at his door, he was crying.
"I knew the feeling. He felt he wasn't wanted or needed, and I pulled a stunt to make him needed. I knew better than to try to reach him in his low mood, so I made him come to me. I went into my bedroom, got undressed, rigged the whole thing just right, then I began to call his name, as if I were in pain.
"He heard me at last, and came into my room. I was in bed. I told him I was having a bad spell with my heart, and I needed some pills from the bathroom. He went and brought them-they were only tranquilizers-and some water, and he was so concerned,-so gentle and kind, that it made him forget his own loneliness. I dreamed up little things for him to do, pretending that I had forgotten them, then, after about an hour, I told him I was still frightened, and asked him to stay in my bedroom for the night. I was naked, but I'd kept covered, and he looked as if I had slapped him.
"'Where will I sleep?' he asked.
"'Please sleep here with me, Larry,' I pleaded.
"He looked as if he wanted to bolt. 'Look,' he said in a little-boy voice, 'You might as well know-I'm scared of women-even of you. I don't like women. I can't help it.
"'I won't hurt you, Larry-ever.' I told him. 'Please, don't leave me alone. I'm as scared as you are."
"A hurt look came to his eyes, but he gritted his teeth and set his jaw and blurted out, 'Charlie, I-I like boys. I have for a long time. Maybe you don't know about homosexuals-but I'm one."
"My heart went out to him, and I reached out and took his hand, not realizing that almost all of my naked body was exposed. He looked at my breasts and my pussy, then without warning, he flung himself on his knees beside the bed and began to kiss my breasts!
"He was sobbing, 'I love you, Charlie-I want to love you-but I can't!'
"I drew him into bed with me, and while he lay there sobbing, I undressed him. He was sixteen, but he was almost a full-grown man, and when I looked at his cock, so big and manly, I shuddered inside, thinking of him giving all that virility to some queer. I wanted him to be a man, like his grandfather had been-and I wanted him for my own!
"I don't pretend to understand it all. Maybe it was the loneliness, the empathy I felt for him, or the blood-closeness, because he did have some of the same blood in him, through Evelyn, that I did. Or maybe it was desperation on my part, not wanting to give up the only thing in the world that mattered. He did matter. I had felt a great affection for him from the beginning. He was such an intelligent, sensitive boy, with big dark eyes that seemed like pools of loneliness.
"And now, I looked at his manhood, and I wanted him ... as a male ... as a man ... as a person who needed me, and whom I needed very much.
"He had turned away from me, but I turned his face back towards me, and I began to stroke his stomach, letting my hand brush his cock. It began to raise a little, and I took it in my hand and began to jerk him off. After a moment, it began to get hard, and before he knew what I was doing, I got over him, straddling him with my knees, and I inserted the head of it in my cunt!
"I was talking all the time. Larry looked panic-stricken, but he didn't try to get from underneath me nor stop me. He stared down at me as I spread my pussy lips with one hand and inserted his cock inside my cunt with the other. I said, several times, 'Just let me do it, honey-. I'll make it good ... I'll take care of you."
"His penis was small, even for a young boy, and it just wouldn't stay stiff. It was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube, trying to get his prick to stay inside me. And to make it worse, he was half-sobbing, and not trying at all. His prick just wilted so soft that it fell right out of my cunt!
"I got off him, and I was hot as hell for some fucking, but I was really concerned more about Larry. He was like a baby, and he put his arm over his eyes so I couldn't see the tears he was crying. He rolled over on his face and just began to sob. I didn't know what to do for him. I just knew that my heart ached for him and my body wanted his.
"I began to kiss his neck and then down his spine. I was mumbling something, but I don't know what, and I was rubbing his legs and thighs with my hands. I worked my way down to his ass and I began to tickle the crack of his ass with my tongue and, finally, I spread his ass cheeks and began to lick his asshole! I stuck my tongue in as far as it could go, in and out, up and down, licking and sucking and shoving. Then I ran my hands over his balls and before I realized it, he had a good hard on!
"The tears were gone. He had half rolled onto his side and was looking down at me over his shoulder, his eyes wet, but shiny with emotion. I sensed that he wanted me to suck him off, so I began with his balls. I licked them and massaged them gently, and his prick became really hard, but it still seemed awfully small to me.
"Finally, I rolled him over and spread his legs so I could really go to work with my mouth. I licked his balls, then up and down the shaft of his cock, and finally, he was writhing and moaning 'Suck it, suck it, suck ... suck ...!' so loud that I felt sorry for him. I took the end of it in my mouth and began to run my tongue all around the end of it and he reached down and took my head in his hands and pulled it down harder on his cock. I began to let it slide in and out then, at the rate he showed me he wanted by pushing down on my head. I sucked it and let my tongue rove all over it as it slid in and out. I wasn't gagging, or even uncomfortable, because it was small, and I could take the whole length of it in my mouth without touching the back part of my throat.
"He began to move my head faster and I sucked harder, and in a moment or so, he almost screamed, 'Now! Now!' so I put more suction to work and moved my mouth faster and faster and I felt his juice begin to shoot into my mouth. I swallowed it and kept on sucking his prick, draining it of every drop. It began to go soft and I sucked it harder and harder, and it got fairly stiff again, but he pushed me away and sat up and took my face in his hands.
"'You didn't have to do that, Charlie,' he said, looking into my eyes. 'I'm a queer, but I don't have to drag you into it."
"It hit me hard, him saying that. I didn't know what to answer, so I just leaned over and kissed his cock, not sexy-like, but tender. I said, 'You can't help what you are anymore than I can. So, why not help each other?'
"He looked at me with a strange light in his eyes. 'How could I help you?' he asked.
"I was stopped cold for a second, but I replied, 'Maybe you could-kiss me-all over. Or, maybe, we could work it out so that you could one day really-really fuck me!'
"He recoiled a little, but then he did a strange thing-he reached out and felt my breast. I have nice breasts, for my age-they tilt up, they're about 36, and I have nice pink nipples with no brown around them, just pinkish tan color. Larry felt the nipple, then he bent over and put his lips around the nipple and began to use his tongue. Then he began to suck, and I got so hot that I could feel the juices starting to wet my cunt!
"I pulled his head closer, and he used his other hand to massage my other breast and my nipple, and I began to really get hot. I could see, though, that his cock was still soft, and I knew that he was doing it to please me, and not because it got him all hot and bothered.
"I said, 'If I sucked you hard, honey, could you try to put it in my cunt?'
"He didn't even stop sucking my breast. He just shook his head.
"'Is there any other way I can help you be-' I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but I went on,'-be a man-I mean-fuck me?'
"Larry stopped everything-with his hand and his mouth, and he looked me up and down. He stared at my pussy, which was wet and shiny and slippery, and I knew he could see my clit sticking out, and my breasts, and my legs and everything. He reached out and touched my pussy, running his fingers along the lips of it, and I had hoped that he would begin to get hard, but he didn't. But he was interested. His eyes were busy, and I could almost see the wheels turning in his head.
"Then I remembered my times with my dad. Mostly, I thought of the ass-fucking, and I suddenly recalled that queers-homosexuals-are supposed to be ass-fuckers, as well as cock-suckers, and I knew, instinctively, that if I could get him to put his cock in my asshole, I might just have the secret-the answer to his, and eventually, to my own problems.
"I turned over and laid down on my stomach. I know that I have a nice ass-curvy, not big, just nice. And my asshole, I knew, was ready and that little cock of Larry's wouldn't hurt me a bit. In fact, I was eager to have him shove it up inside my asshole, because I knew that once he did, we would have it made. I knew we could work it out from there on.
"I looked over my shoulder, and I saw his eyes grow big and round as he stared at my ass and my asshole. Then he reached out his hands and spread my ass cheeks and just seemed to be drawn to it like a magnet. He bent forward and his tongue was already out as he put his mouth down between my ass cheeks and his tongue began to lick the crack between.
"I didn't know a hell of a lot about homosexuals, but everything I'd ever heard or read indicated that they enjoyed using the asshole of another male as much as most men like to fuck a woman's cunt. I remembered that my father liked it that way, for variety at least, and now I knew that Larry was going to respond.
"I wasn't worried about my getting a sex kick out of it, because if I could have his cock in my asshole, I could masturbate while he was ass-fucking me. Besides, I felt that, with that as a start, we could work out his homosexual problem.
"He licked my asshole and, of course, a little of his tongue brushed my pussy lips, which really thrilled me. But unfortunately, all this wonderful play was hidden from my eyes.
"I got up on my hands and knees and looked over at our images in the mirror and it gave me a real kick to see him naked, on his knees behind me, his hand on my ass cheeks, spreading them, while he guided his cock into my asshole with the other hand.
"He hesitated a moment, then said in an embarrassed way, 'Do you ... need some vaseline?' I knew I wouldn't, because of his cock being so small, so I just shook my head. 'Go ahead, lover, put it in,' I said. He hemmed and hawed a minute, then said, 'You know I'm going to put it in your asshole, don't you?'
"I almost giggled. He was so naive and as nervous as a bridegroom. I told him I wanted it up my asshole, because that was what he wanted, and he settled down to the business then. He put the head of his prick right dead center in my brown spot and began to work it in and out with his hand. After I got a little lubricated, it began to go in and out easily, and finally, Larry took his hand off it and put both of them on my hips and began to pump it in and out at a steady pace.
"We were both watching ourselves in the mirror, but all of a sudden, I noticed that he had closed his eyes. It didn't dawn on me for a moment that he must have been fantasizing, imagining that I was a man!
"I reached beneath me and began to play with my clitoris and in a way, I guess I was fantasizing too, because I was remembering all the good fucking and sucking I'd had with my father all those years.
"When Larry shot his load of hot semen up my asshole, it really felt good. Maybe it was because of the feeling that at least I could give him some help sexually, some relief that was better than jerking off, and maybe it was more because I felt that we had broken through the wall of loneliness that seemed to be around him. At least we had something to share, even if it wasn't what I wanted in the way of sex.
"I let him know that he could go right on and come again, by moving my ass around, shoving it tightly up against his cock and balls, and he did. He just kept pushing it in and out, and, of course, it went in and out real easy now, with all his jism inside me to lubricate. Then he took it out of my asshole and flopped back on the bed, his prick all flabby and sticky with whitish come and some little hunks of shit mixed in.
"I went into the bathroom and got a nice warm washcloth and towel and went back out and washed his cock off really good. I kissed it a little as I dried it, and Larry smiled at me and then pulled me down and gave me a real good kiss on the mouth. I opened my mouth and he stuck his tongue in, playing it around, tangling with my tongue, really turning me on.
"When he stopped, he said, 'Thanks, Charlie. You're really something else. And I'll try-sometime, to-to do it right for you. Right now, I can't. But maybe I'll be able to soon-I hope so."
"I just loved him. He was so sweet and so serious about wanting to change from a homosexual to a heterosexual, and it thrilled me to think that I might be able to help him. Besides, he did suck my breasts and lick my asshole, and I felt like a woman again, having him do that much. I laid there beside him and played with his cock for a while, and it got hard again. I asked him if he wanted me to suck him off, and he said he always liked that best of anything. But he acted troubled, and he finally said, as I was getting down between his legs ready to suck his cock, 'Charlie, ... maybe ... well, maybe I ought not have you suck me off. Maybe if-. Oh, what I'm trying to say is, I don't like being a queer-and that's what I am, so don't worry about using that word. I feel queer when I suck some guy's prick or when some guy sucks mine. And especially when I let some guy fuck me up the ass-then I know I'm queer. I don't like it. I feel dirty, but-when I fucked you in the ass just now, it felt wonderful. And I want to do something to make you come and feel wonderful, too, but I just can't stick my cock into you. Yet, I can let you suck it and I can lick your ass. Why? Why?'
"I thought about it for a moment, and I suddenly felt I knew part of the reason why. It was his mother. He probably mistrusted and disliked-maybe even hated-all women, because of her actions, and her deserting him after giving him years in hell with all her slutty ways.
"'Could you love me, Larry? I asked. 'I mean, not just sexually, but really love me and trust me-as a woman? Could you?'
"He grabbed me impulsively and bent and kissed my nose and mouth in a series of eager kisses. 'Oh, Charlie, I do love you-I do-. I thought you knew that I do. You're so good-so kind and nice-. I do love you."
"I went on, still playing with his cock. "Then, don't you think you could do something that would make me very happy ... that would thrill me so much, just because you love me?'
"He held my hand, stopping me from playing with his prick, and he looked deep into my eyes. 'You're a beautiful woman, Charlie, and I do love you. I've already had your body-even if it wasn't the right way for you. Just ... just be patient with me. I think I can. I'm going to give it all I've got to try to break it off with these guys at school, but-it's so lonely, now that the others know-or at least suspect-that I'm a queer. It's lonely. I don't know if I can stay away from Joel and Ray-they're my two homo friends-because they're all I've got. Do you understand?'
"I sat up and pulled his naked body to me and it felt good to feel his head against my bare breasts. I said, 'Larry, of course I understand loneliness. It's all I've had since your granddad died. But don't you see, we don't have to be lonely anymore, neither of us. We have found each other. I can make up to you for all the lonely years you've had with your mother, and you can fill my whole life so it won't ever be lonely again. You say you love me. It can't be as an aunt, because we never really had that relationship, so it must be as a woman that you love me. I know that my love for you, now, right here in my arms, is a woman's love for a man. Age has nothing to do with it. When you sucked my breasts and licked my ass, it was a man doing it. When you had your cock in my mouth, and I made you come that way, that was a woman and a man. When you shoved your prick up my asshole and came, that wasn't a homosexual act-because I'm a woman, and lots of men and women have anal intercourse. It's a good thing for a man, to give him variety in his sex life."
"'Another thing that I know is that a woman's vagina stretches after she begins to have intercourse, and it gets pretty loose and large, and that makes the man have a hard time getting the right rubbing from the walls of it-the friction that it needs to make him come. But a person's asshole is tight. It stays that way a long time, and when you shove your cock into my asshole, you get total friction on all areas of your prick. That's not being a homosexual, to do it that way with a woman. And someday, soon, if you do love me and I love you, you'll want to put your cock into my cunt and fuck me the right way. I know you will."
"Larry began to play with my breast with his fingers, hardening the nipple, then sucking it, while with his other hand he began to play with the hair around my pussy. He didn't look down at it, but he kept running his fingers around in little circles in the hair around it, and then he began to stroke the lips of it with his fingers. I was already gasping with his pinching my nipple and sucking it, and when he slid his fingers inside and touched my clitoris, I almost had an orgasm right then and there. God, how I wanted him! But he was making me happy enough for the moment, and I knew somehow, that soon, we'd really be having each other in every way, just the way my dad and I had.
"He found my clit with two fingers and he began to twist and massage and pinch it, and I spread my legs and laid on my back. Larry went on sucking my breast and then he really began to rough up my clit. He clawed it with his nails, pinched it and rolled it all around, and inside of a minute, I was bobbing up and down in a wonderful orgasm!
"We had really broken the ice! I was in heaven, anticipating the day we would become full lovers! And even now, my days of the lonely orgasm-masturbation-were gone. His touch was wonderful, and as I subsided and lay quiet, with his fingers still in my cunt, he moved his head up and kissed me on the mouth, long, tender kisses-kisses of a lover!"
It is quite clear that in her native shrewdness, Charlotte had stumbled on the precise cause of Larry's homosexuality: his mother's neglect and her sexual wantonness. Both had made him fear and distrust women, and this in turn had driven himself into becoming a shy introvert. As with many boys of this type, he participated little in group activities, and he was especially backward in any sports. This, of course, earned him the cognomen of "Sissy," and "Mama's boy," which further drove him deeper into his own lonely self.
Of course, he was not a mama's boy-far from it, but that he was a sissified type is also obvious. His body did not develop as most boys in his age group, because of his eschewing the normal sports and games boys glory in, such as baseball, football, tennis, wrestling and boxing. It is indicative of Larry's total seclusion that he did not even learn to swim.
Another fact that embarrassed him (as it often does even mature men, until they learn that size of the penis has nothing to do with its effect on a woman) was that he did have a somewhat smaller penis than most boys his age. This is another factor in a growing youth's thinking in connection with sex, as he begins to approach the stage where he would date girls.
Larry, in short, was a perfect set-up for any homosexual who happened to approach him. Homosexuals themselves state almost unanimously, that they are among the loneliest persons in the world, and most of them were approached by older homosexuals who spotted this loneliness in them, and took advantage of their need for human companionship and sexual attention.
For her part, Charlotte had found someone to fill her own lonely needs. It is significant, psychologically, that the thought of incest did not enter her mind, simply because of the lasting incestuous relationship she had had with her father.
It was almost axiomatic that they would feel a natural closeness, for Charlotte had in effect, been the salvation of the lonely boy, taking him into her home and giving him all the love and attention and kindness that his mother never had. Each felt a desperately lonely need in the life of the other, and part of that need was sexual. It is part of every human need, from birth to death.
That anal intercourse would be part of their sex relations was predictable, because of Larry's homosexual activities. Oddly, to most lay persons at least, Larry did not associate anal intercourse with his aunt with sex with a female. To use blunt language to make the point, to him, her ass was just another ass. To him, in his immaturity, intercourse with a woman involved only the genital-genital form, and he was in effect, performing a homosexual act of intercourse, rather than engaging in anal intercourse with a woman.
We shall let Charlotte continue her interesting and unusual story from the point where she had first broken the sexual barrier between her and her nephew.
"We bought a lot of books on psychology, abnormal psychology and even a good marriage manual about sex, and Larry and I studied them together, discussing things with each other, finding out how the other one felt about certain things.
"I know it sounds like a foolish thing to be doing, but Larry is an exceptionally intelligent boy, and I am not a dumbbell by any means. We simply made an honest effort to try to find out what was wrong with Larry-and, I suppose, with me, too. Whatever any person does to better understand himself and his loved ones, I believe is good and right and sensible, and that is exactly what we were doing.
"Larry began spending almost all his time outside of school with me. We discovered that we both like to fish. I'd fished with my dad a few times when I was a kid, and Larry's math teacher at school asked him if he'd like to go fishing with him one Saturday. He did, and he liked it. He was like a little boy when he came home with three nice bass.
"I bought a little cabin-more like a fishing shack-up on a lake that was twenty miles away, and a boat with an outboard motor, so that Larry and I could get away and be with each other, enjoying the outdoors and keeping busy. Larry had almost completely broken with his homosexual friends, and he told me that he hadn't had any sex with them since the first night he had slept with me. We slept together all the time now, and when we would go to the cabin on weekends, it was like we were honeymooners. I even started" to teach Larry to swim, and we would cavort around in the water like kids, then dry each other off and, usually, have sex.
"It was a nice little place, with a big double bed and a set of bunk beds, a kitchenette kind of thing, and a loft with another double bed. It was there that we finally got over the last hurdle.
"It had been a wonderful day. We had come up on Friday night, had a nice early breakfast and then fished for about three hours. We came into the dock and then had some nice sandwiches and potato salad. We took a nap and then went in the water, and it was so warm and sunny and relaxing that when we took off our swim suits, we just laid on the grass in the front of the cabin, stark naked.
"We began to make love-kissing each other, playing with one another's genitals, kissing them, fingering one another's asshole. Finally, I just couldn't stand it any longer.
"I began to suck his cock, and he let me for a moment or so, then he pushed me away. He pushed me down on my back and spread my legs and got down between them with his head. Then he spread my cunt lips and nipped my clit with his teeth. He knew I loved that, and he shoved his fingers up inside my cunt, moving them around so they touched the inner walls, as he nibbled and sucked my clit. He really got me worked up and I was about to have a wild orgasm when he stopped. He sat up, then crawled on his hands and knees so he was straddling my body. He bent his head and kissed me on the mouth, his tongue working inside it, touching mine tenderly.
"He stopped the kiss and said to me, 'I love you very much, Charlotte'-he seldom called me that-'and now I'm going to love you like a man should."
"He lowered his body slightly, balancing on one arm, his stiff cock in the other. I spread my legs wide, and reached down and took his cock in my hand, helping him guide it into my eager pussy! When the head of it entered and I felt it touch my clit, I thought I would come right then, at the first touch of it. I let go of his cock and grabbed his hips and pulled him down into my cunt hard, loving the feel of his prick as it went in deep. I was already so wet that it went in to the full length. He was short, but he touched my sidewalls by my moving my ass around in a circular motion, and guiding his hips in the same sort of a motion, with my hands.
"It was heaven, and I had almost forgot how he must be feeling, until he began to play with my nipples, using both hands, having let his weight go down on my body. He clawed at my breasts, chewed my lips, sucked my tongue and all the time, that wonderful cock was going in and out, massaging my clit with every motion, touching the sides of my pussy flesh with electric shocks that went from my head to my toes. Oh, how I loved the feel of it inside me at last.
"Larry began to moan and say wonderful things, like, 'Oh, Charlotte, how wonderful it is fucking you. How sweet your cunt is around my cock. Why did we wait? Why didn't we know it would be like this? Oh, Charlotte, my beloved, fuck me-fuck me forever and ever."
"And I wanted to. I wished that we could just stay that way forever, but both of us were trembling on the brink of our first orgasm in a regular, man-woman fuck, and we just let our bodies take control. It was perfect. I know it doesn't really matter too much if a man and a woman come at the same time, but it was so wonderful to feel his juices spurting inside me, just as my clitoris was bobbing madly up and down in a perfect orgasm.
"It was so wonderful that all we could do was to claw at each other's naked flesh, trying to blend our bodies even more completely than they had been up until now. We were saying crazy things-maybe not even words--just groans of pleasure and animal sounds. But we were happy, and more than that, we knew in our hearts that, from here on, there was only happiness ahead for us.
"The rest of the weekend was almost like a continuing orgy. We sucked each other, we six-ty-nined, we ass-fucked and most of all, we just plain fucked. We even tried it from the back, I mean, with his cock in my cunt, but it was too small and the penetration wasn't good. He came, but I had only a small orgasm, and we did a wonderful thing-we talked about it, every time we did it a different way. We asked each other how it was-whether it was worth trying again, maybe with a different position, or if it was uncomfortable or didn't really provide all the thrills that it could.
"I was glad, then, that we had read all those books on psychology, because the one thing that both of us had agreed on was that the big barrier to good sex relations between any partners, was a lack of communication. That, incidentally, is why I'm more than happy to be telling you my story. You may think I'm a weirdo, because of the incest with my father, then my nephew, but as I said at the beginning, who makes the rules of love and passion? Who are the faceless masses whom you always hear people quoting? "They say,' or 'they think it's wrong-' all that stuff.
"My love for Larry and his for me is not wrong. He was a lonely, forlorn, abused and mistreated boy. I was a lonely, frightened-yes, frightened, except financially-woman, and we gave each other exactly what we needed. That one need was love, and anybody who thinks that beautiful, satisfying sex isn't important to love, has rocks in their head.
"How are we doing now? Wonderfully. I was lucky in that I have the money to make it possible for Larry to have the education he wants. He wants to become a psychologist-not to go into practice as a psychiatric expert, or anything like that. Know what he wants to do? Work with youths-especially homosexuals and kids who are hung up on drugs. A lot of people might think that he isn't much of a one to advice other people, but look at it this way: he's been there. He knows the lonely frustration of being born a bastard-then the years of living with my sister, who was nothing more than a cheap prostitute. He was driven into a lonely corner, and one day, another pair of lonely, frustrated, bewildered kids took him by the hand and led him out of the dark, lonely corner.
"So, maybe it wasn't right that he had his first sex with homosexuals. If I read my books right, there are a hell of a lot of so-called normal men who have had their first sex experience by jerking off another kid, having him suck his cock, or sucking another kid's prick. So-we worked it out.
"There isn't a better adjusted man in the world today than my nephew, Larry, and there isn't a happier woman in this world than I am. Love? Of course we love each other, in every way a man and woman can love. And we have talked about the day, that may come, when Larry will meet and fall in love with a young woman his age.
"I guess, in my heart, I want that for him. Of course, I want her to be right for him. I eventually told Larry all about my life with my father, and he told me all he could about the lonely days and nights when he learned to hate women because he hated his mother. I don't know if I hate her or not. I don't think so. Things work out the way God, or whoever controls things, wants them to. Anyway, by her actions, she eventually gave me the man I love and respect and admire.
"Since Larry is away at college, I've known loneliness, too, and I've dated a couple of men. But it is different, somehow. I enjoy them, and they know that the relationship is one of mutual companionship, not sexy. If I should ever find a man that lights up that fire inside me, of course I would go to bed with him.
"But then, Larry comes home for weekends or for a holiday, and it all starts over again. We wind up right back where I started this interview. Why do people think they have the right to think for other people-to make their choice of whom one should love, or how, or how long, or for what reasons?
"Larry and I are perfect for each other, and age hasn't a damned thing to do with it. I mean it. He is a perfect lover. We have a perfect, and honest, understanding of one another's needs, because we know what has happened before we found each other.
"In fact, Larry was honest enough to tell me that he went out with one girl a few times and that he thinks he could fall in love with her. He even asked me if I thought he should try it in bed with her, before he really got serious. She's a beautiful thing-I saw her picture-and she is an honor student in sociology, a field that is close to Larry's heart, too.
"I told him he'd be a fool not to take her to bed, not once, but many times. The only string attached to it was that I asked him not to tell me about it, or if it had happened.
"And if he does marry her, or any other girl, what happens to us? I don't know. I don't really worry about it, because what we've had is too beautiful to ever be anything but a beautiful memory. Of course, I hope it goes on forever, but I'm not fool enough to think that it can. I know that I am getting too old to be interesting to a young man much longer. And Larry is meeting his kind of people-his kind of girls.
"One thing I'll guarantee you-I'm not ashamed of our love, or of anything that I have ever done with Larry. And for that matter, not with my father, either. Know why? Because, at the bottom of it all, there was love--just plain love. And in the long run, what else is there in this whole big screwed-up world, except love?"
In this study of anal intercourse, as it relates to daughters and fathers, we have, in a general sense, covered the broad field of incest. Yet, we have seen that, in some instances, there has been no thoughts concerning incest, nor any guilt feelings concerning the so-called unnatural sexual relationship between father and daughter which we call incest.
We have seen that the reasons for anal sexual relationship are as varied as are the reasons for normal, heterosexual love acts. And, we have seen and heard, from the participant's own words, that love was at the base of much of this so-called perversion.
That the law calls it illegal does not make it a perversion or a "dirty" act in the minds of many persons. It is obvious that our sex laws are undergoing glose scrutiny, and that, if the voice of the majority of persons are heard and acted upon, our sex laws must undergo severe and radical changes.
It is significant that books like this can be written, and that daughters who have undergone such experiences as anal intercourse with their father are willing to talk freely about it. It is also important that we recognize that there is no set formula for sex, or love, or friendship, that can be legislated by man, nor indoctrinated and enforced by any religious group or church.
Man is man, woman is woman, When the urge to engage in sexual intercourse, in whatever form, pleases them both, they will do so. That anal intercourse has been a boon to many married couples is undeniable, to any thinking person.
We have attempted to bring a straightforward account of several instances of father-daughter anal intercourse, as told to us by the persons involved most deeply. We do not moralize, nor do we condone nor apologize. This is life as it is being lived today, for better or for worse, depending on the viewpoint of the reader.
We hope we have succeeded in throwing some new light on a little-discussed subject. To the persons who have been gracious enough to allow us to use their case histories, we are extremely grateful.
Most of all, we feel that it is time that such sexual aberrations should be discussed, examined, considered carefully, and then one day, as the Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography has recommended, be revised into sensible laws that will allow each individual, regardless of relationship or circumstance, to choose his own manner and mode of sex, and his own partner.
On this fervent thought, we end what we hope has been an enlightening and thought-provoking study in human relationships.
AFTERWORD
We have seen clearly, through the accounts of persons who have been personally involved, that anal intercourse is motivated by many hidden wellsprings of desire or deep psychological needs.
That it is confined only to persons with latent or active homosexual desires is a now proven fallacy. In many normal heterosexual relationships, research has now shown that it is an often employed means of adding variety to the sex life of a couple.
In the cases we have studied in this work, all have involved another sex aberration which is against the law in all fifty states: incest, for incest between daughter and father or sister and brother, or any close relative, is not defined only as genital-genital intercourse, but can involve oral and anal intercourse as well.
The interesting study that is still involving many psychologists and psychiatrists is the continuing practice of anal intercourse among girls who have originally had an experience with a close relative. Even more fascinating is the thousands of cases of married couples who practice it regularly, and also, the strange fact that in many lesbian relationships which have come under the scrutiny of psychologists and medical experts, it was discovered that an artificial penis (dildo) is frequently used by one female to simulate anal intercourse.
That we have far to go in understanding what brings about the desire for strange forms of anal intercourse, as well as other wild sexual compulsions, is obvious.
We are grateful to those who allowed us to use their stories to further our understanding of sexual deviancy. We are even more grateful that, at long last, we have a new freedom to explore and to make public some of these sexual practices which have been long hidden under the "stag" story or performance, or the Puritanical taboos that have made old wives' tales of sexual realities.
It has been our purpose to try to throw some light on the various emotional reasons for the practice of anal intercourse in order to better understand our own selves; for only in truth can there eventually be understanding, and a reasonable approach to one of the most vital portions of our daily lives: sex.
If we have succeeded in this, then we shall have contributed to a continuing need to understand ourselves and our fellowmen.
