"It may seem hard to believe, but it was at a prayer meeting that I met Henry. Since my old man is the preacher at a local church, I'm expected to go to these things. And I don't make a fuss about it, because I don't dare let my folks know the truth about me-that I don't believe in what the church says and that, even at twelve, I'm not a virgin anymore.
"My father was conducting the services and putting on a big show for all the suckers he'd managed to draw in. What I was paying attention to, though, was the good-looking guy next to me. I couldn't guess how old he was, except that he wasn't as old as my father, and I liked the way his muscles bulged inside his clothes. He looked like a man who worked with his hands, not pale and sickly the way so many professional men are.
"We were all squeezed into the pew like sardines, which meant that my thigh and his were pressed together closely. That was enough to start giving me hot pants and I wondered what it was doing to him. Once while our heads were bowed in prayer, I opened my eyes and snuck a glance at his lap. Either he had a mighty big one inside that fly or else it was hard!
"I took a peek at his face to see if his eyes were closed the way they were supposed to be. But no, they were open, and he was sneaking a look at me just as I was at him. He was interested in me!
"A few minutes later my father had us all get down on our knees. Some of the people crawled out into the aisles where there was more room. What I did was crawl under the seat. The next thing I knew my friend had joined me there, part-way, at least; there wasn't room for quite all of him.
"Everybody was praying out loud all around us. You couldn't make out what anyone was saying really except that the word 'sin' kept coming through the babble of voices.
"Then my father told us all to join hands with the person closest to us. I extended my hand toward my handsome friend and he took it willingly, even smiling at me.
"Then he spoke. 'Have you sinned?' he asked me.
" 'Yes,' I whispered back. 'And I loved it. I'm not sorry at all.'
"I know that was an awfully daring thing to say, but I sensed that this guy and I could really get something going and I didn't want to miss the chance by being shy. But I hoped I hadn't shocked him too awfully much.
"I realized I hadn't scared him away an instant later when he began to run his fingers over the palm of my hand. It was about all he dared do, here under the church pew, but there was something very sexy in it.
" 'That feels good,' I said.
" 'You're very grown-up for such a young girl,' he told me in a low voice.
" 'Yes, I know,' I said.
" 'Would you like to get out of here?' he suggested.
" 'Yes, but we'll have to be very careful,' I warned him. I didn't want to go so far as to tell him that the preacher was my own father, and apparently he didn't know.
" 'Okay,' he whispered. 'Let's crawl out on our hands and knees. You go to the side door and I'll go out the back. Everybody is crawling around anyway, so nobody will notice. We'll meet at the corner by the sign. Are you game?'
" 'Game,' I said.
"I raised my head long enough to make out my father kneeling at the altar with a group of people repenting their sins, then I made my way on my hands and knees toward the side door. I took one more look to make sure my father's head was down before I made my exit.
"Once outside, I ran to the corner. My friend had had to crawl by more people, so he wasn't there ye$. I hid behind the black-and-white sign that announced the subject of next Sunday's sermon and waited.
"I heard his footsteps in the grass. I waited until he was up close to the sign, then I jumped out and said, 'Boo!'
" 'I was beginning to think you'd stood me up,' he said.
" 'I wouldn't do a thing like that,' I told him.
"He took me by the hand and led me to the parking lot. As we strolled along I could hear the low roar of the voices inside the church.
"He led me to his car, an old beat-up Chewy. Opening the door, he motioned for me to get into the back seat. I did so and he followed me. It was a pretty big back seat and I was glad of that.
"Once he was beside me he put his arms around me roughly and drew me close to him. His face brushed against mine and an instant later he was kissing me in a way I've never been kissed before. His mouth was open and he forced mine open, too. Then he stuck out his tongue and began sliding it against my tongue while his lips pressed hard against mine. There was something fierce and wild about it, but I liked it.
"He kept on kissing me, but his hands were now roaming over my body. First he clutched at my breasts from outside my dress, then he unbuttoned a few buttons and dug inside my bra. I wished my breasts were larger than a mere A-cup, but he didn't seem to mind. He kept pinching them and grabbing at them in a desperate sort of way that drove me crazy with excitement.
" 'Let's get some of these clothes off,' he said. 'I want to play with your pussy.'
"I knew the word, of course, having seen it on rest-room walls, but I'd never heard anybody say it out loud before. Not even the man who took my virginity just a few weeks before used words like that. My second lover, this man I was with now, was far different and it occurred to me that I was going to like him better.
"I got out of my dress by myself and was pretty careful about it, so that nobody'd suspect when I got home. Then I went ahead and stripped myself down to nothing. All this time, he was taking off his own clothes.
" 'Feel my prick,' he said. 'It's hard. It wants you.'
"I took his penis in my hands, automatically comparing it to the other one I'd felt. It wasn't quite as thick, but aside from that it felt pretty much the same. That sort of surprised me. I guess I'd expected men's sex organs to be as different as their faces.
"Right away I touched my fingers to the sensitive ridge I'd learned about, rubbing it gently. I wanted to show him that I knew what to do.
" "That's nice, little one, real nice,' he groaned.
"Then his hands were groping for me, reaching for the wet hot place between my legs and I pushed myself toward him to help him find it. He parted the lips and ran his fingers all around. I was so wet that his fingering made a funny little sound.
" 'It's such a cute little pussy,' he said. 'I wish I could see it, too.' Then he stuck one finger into the opening, and let it go deep inside. 'You really aren't a virgin, are you?'
" 'No,' I said. 'I hope you don't prefer virgins.'
"He chuckled. 'No. I just like sexy girls, all ages, all sizes. And you're pretty sexy. Do you know that?'
"That made me feel good. I know I'm beginning to have the body of a woman, but I have very ordinary looks. I'd never make cheerleader or majorette or homecoming queen. Maybe what's sexy about me is that I like sex and it shows somehow.
"By now he'd taken my clitoris between two of his fingers and was giving it a real workout. I'd never thought to do that when I'd played with myself. It really felt great, so great that I was afraid I might climax before he even got his penis inside me.
"Then he was guiding my hand to what he'd called his 'prick' and making me rub it up and down, sliding the loose skin with my hand.
" 'Would you like to kiss it?' he asked.
"That sort of startled me. I really hadn't expected that some man I'd met in church would know about such sophisticated techniques of lovemaking. But I was ready to experiment. I bent down and brought my lips to the sensitive ridge, kissing it softly.
" 'Now try taking it in your mouth,' he said.
"I did so, but even though I opened my mouth as wide as I could, I couldn't begin to get all of it in. He took my head in his hands and began moving it in an up-and-down motion, so that the outside layer of skin moved along with my mouth. Each time I came up toward the top, I let my teeth graze the sensitive ridge. I figured he'd like that. He seemed to, for he let me go on like this for quite a little while.
"Finally he said, 'Now it's my turn.'
"A minute later I found out what he meant. Suddenly his face was between my legs and his tongue was slipping and sliding over all my sensitive parts. I opened my legs wide and moved to the edge of the. seat so he could get at me better.
"I worried about little things like whether I smelled and tasted nice at first, but then I just relaxed and enjoyed it. Sometimes he nibbled at me and sometimes the rough texture of his face rubbed against me, too. But I liked every bit of it. I felt a little bit let down when he finally stopped.
" 'Are you ready?' he said.
" 'I'm ready,' I said faintly. My breath was nearly gone.
"It took some scrambling around to get into position, but finally I had one foot up by the rear window and the other over the top of the front seat with plenty of space, for him between my legs. If I'd been any taller, it just wouldn't have been possible. Then he was over me.
" 'Help me put it in,' he said.
"I wasn't quite sure I'd be much help, but I reached one hand to his penis and the other to my opening. I tried to make the hole as wide as possible. I was plenty wet and I knew that would help. As he lowered his penis, I aimed it at the spot where I wanted it. Then he plunged it in.
" 'I'm fucking you, little girl,' he whispered in my ear.
"The first few strokes were slow and easy, gentle ones. But before long he speeded up, pounding away at me.
" 'Move with me, honey. Can you do that?'
"I didn't answer. I just started wiggling, trying to keep up with his rhythm. Soon I found that I was grinding my clitoris against him in a way that was driving me wild.
"He kept going at that rapid pace and so did I. For a little while I forgot about everything but what I was feeling at the spot where our bodies came together, separated, then met again. My whole body was alive, but most of all that one spot was warm and wet and open. It was terrific. This is fucking, I thought to myself, the real thing, the dirty thing, the wonderful thing.
"Finally I said what I was dying to say, 'Fuck me!'
" 'I'm fucking you, baby. You're getting fucked by Henry J. M-and don't you forget it.'
"I guess that's how I managed to remember his name.
"I had no fears about making it this time. I knew it was going to happen. If anybody could do it for me, Henry J. M-could. And for the longest time I was on the verge of making it. Close, but not quite there. And that's the best part of the whole thing as far as I'm concerned; when you're floating out in space faraway from everything in the world, knowing full well that you're soon going to experience the most, incredible feeling there is.
"When I got there it was unbelievable. My whole body started to twitch and jerk, all the while pulling him into me deeper and deeper. It was sort of like having a fit, but it was beautiful.
And it took me a long time to quiet down.
"He kept right on giving it to me, but now with a fantastically fast motion. I just lay there and let the rest happen. His breath became louder until finally he was groaning. His hands dug into my shoulders. I knew then that he was making it, too, and that he was enjoying it tremendously. At last he collapsed on top of me. He was pretty heavy, but I didn't bother to complain.
"My mind found its way back to reality, to the fact that we were in the church parking lot and that soon the prayer meeting would be over and people would be coming out in droves. I could even hear the people singing some hymn and I knew that meant that the service was nearly over.
" 'Hey, we'd better get up,' I said.
" 'Any reason we can't hide here till they all go away and have some more fun?' Henry suggested.
" 'I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have to go home.'
" 'Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that you're pretty young. To me you're a real woman. Hear that?'
"I couldn't help turning that over in my mind as I cleaned myself up with Kleenex and got back into my clothes. I am a woman, really. Why doesn't anybody realize that except the men who want to make love to me?
" 'You come to church here often?' he asked.
" 'All the time,' I said. 'But I've never seen you here before.'
" 'I'll tell you a secret. You'd be surprised at how many women I meet in church. But I hardly ever go to the same church twice. Maybe this time I'll reconsider. You're a damn good fuck, little one.'
" 'Well, if you come back, I'll probably be here.'
" 'Okay, sweetheart. See you in church.' "
When Vladimir Nabokov published his famous novel, Lolita, about two decades ago, he brought new awareness to a phenomenon which is not only quite widespread in our own era but has numerous antecedents in other times and other cultures. Sexual union between young girls and mature men is by no means as rare and unique a practice as many of the readers of this best-selling novel suppose it to be.
In ancient China, for example, there existed the practice of having children of both sexes under the table when company was present to masturbate the guests while they ate their meal. More directly analogous to the subject under discussion, however, is the old Chinese tradition of "marriage by purchase," in which girls of eleven, twelve, and thirteen years of age were sold to older gentlemen and acquired the status of "foster daughter-in-law," but actually were expected to fulfill certain sexual obligations. According to some reports, this practice still exists in some of the more remote agricultural areas of China, though it is more commonly the daughters of the very poor who are sold into sexual service. Thus the family obtains a financial reward and is freed from the expense of rearing a daughter. A girl's price is, quite naturally, determined by her degree of charm and appearance.
Among primitive tribes of such diverse areas as Asia, Mexico, Africa, Fiji Islands, the Arctic regions and Australia, documented reports tell of public defloration of child brides by mature men before their marriage ceremonies. The Australian aborigines adhere to a religious ceremony in which the young girl is engaged in sexual intercourse with an older relative, adding the element of incest. The Central Eskimos, in addition, have a preference for youthful concubines, as young as ten or even nine.
Historically, we find that many of the more advanced cultures also recognized the sexual attractiveness of the very young. Egypt, before the time of Herodotus, had its preteen and young teenage courtesans. Egyptian temples, such as those of Baal, were really child brothels, abounding with nymphets between the ages of ten and thirteen. As with the Chinese, the girls had been sold by their families.
The Moslem culture provides another, simi- lar example, and in fact the Koran sets certain rules for the humane treatment of sexual slaves, such as "If you buy a slave-girl, do not forget it is forbidden you to cohabit with nonnu-bile girls before a delay of a minimum of one month, starting from the day of your acquisition."
Nor were the ancient Hebrews immune from the sexual enjoyment of young girls acquired through purchase. Exodus 21:7-11 provides advice for the sexual use of young "maidservants," much in the same vein as does the Koran.
Interestingly enough, though, not all cultures have taken into consideration the protection and humane treatment of their young females. In South India, for example, in order to ensure that girls would be ready for their first intercourse, the stem of a plant which expands when in contact with moisture was inserted into the vagina of very young girls. In time, the vaginal passage was sufficiently dilated to permit intercourse.
More drastic procedures than this are on record, the most horrifying perhaps being one which Bulgarian slave hunters adopted from the Arabs, and which has also been a custom of the Mau Mau in the Kenya region of Africa. Briefly, what it entailed was a kind of surgical "castration," in which the girl's clitoris was cut away. The purpose was to render the girl sexually insatiable. Deprived of her means of achieving orgasm, she would supposedly be a willing partner for any male who desired her. Somehow it seems unlikely that this barbaric practice actually produced such results.
The Arab world, though it initiated this bizarre custom, did not persist in its practice. During the time of the great and wealthy sultans, nymphets were recruited by the hundreds for an individual harem. Generally they knew no life other than that of the harem, but other than that, were not mistreated. Some of the more attractive and cunning are credited with having wielded great political power within their master's domain.
During Europe's so-called "age of enlightenment," many a monarch emulated the practices of the Arabian sultans. Perhaps the most illustrious was Louis XV of France, who procured scores of "baby mistresses." With each, at the time of defloration, he supposedly first knelt in prayer. Rarely did he go back to the same girl more than two or three times. Eventually, after having become accustomed to the finery lavished upon them, they might find themselves cast out to the streets where their only recourse was to become prostitutes.
Even in the supposedly conservative nineteenth-century England of Victoria and Albert, girls as young as twelve were sold to populate the Continental houses of prostitution. Here, though, an older girl, say of fourteen or so, could bring a higher price if she was experienced in a number of sexual diversions, including various forms of masochism and sadism.
In America, sexuality in the young dated back to the Indians. The Creeks and the Chero-kees let their children play erotic games. One such game entailed children of both sexes sitting opposite one another and playing with their feet against the other's bared genital areas. More advanced games provided training in mutual masturbation, cunnilingus and fellatio. Actual intercourse was permitted as well, but offspring resulting from these unions between children were killed.
"Lolitaism," as it has come to be called even by psychologists and psychiatrists, is more difficult to document and describe in our present society. It is not officially part of our culture; not a single edict or constitution condones it. Yet it exists. In a recent study examining the sexual experiences of a representative sampling of young people in the United States, reported in Michael Schofield's The Sexual Behavior of Young People, a total of thirty-eight percent of the teenage girls interviewed admitted to having had their first intercourse with a mature man.
Certainly a behavior pattern which involves more than a third of all young girls deserves further study and investigation. Yet the technical reports relating to such behavior are sparse indeed. The aforementioned research was de- signed to provide an overall view of young people's sexual practices, but neglected to consider specific circumstances in which young girls become sexually involved with adult men.
Russell Trainer's The Lolita Complex, though not strictly a technical work, constitutes perhaps the most thorough psychological and sociological expose of Lolitaism.
Unfortunately, Trainer neglects to name his sources. Nevertheless, one quote from an anonymous psychiatrist is pertinent to the role which the nymphet plays in contemporary society:
The Lolitas, as they are beginning to be called, are rebels. They boil with hostility. Most of it is directed at their parents, but they display it to anyone in authority. They resent society and they show their constant hostility toward it. And sex is the medium for girls. This is almost always true. A boy might steal a car because he hates, but girls thumb their noses at all of us by using sex. They cannot help but use it.
It is my own belief that the view presented by this nameless psychiatrist is considerably more valid than the more traditional, psychoanalytic interpretation. Orthodox Freudians see the problem of Lolitaism as a manifestation of the Elec-tra complex or father fixation, in which the girl wishes to replace her mother and become sexually involved with her father. Although this provides an easy explanation for the prevalence of Lolitas, it does not explain why this phenomenon seems to be increasing in our society. Fascinating as Freud's interpretations of the old Greek stories may be, they fail to provide us with a working basis for dealing with the problems presented by contemporary society.
Besides considering the Lolitas in our society as examples of youthful rebellion against the confusing standards and mores our society presents, it is important to investigate the different circumstances which "set the scene," so to speak, for a young girl to become involved sexually with an older man.
As Trainer acknowledges early in his book, the broken home creates "substitute environments-environments conducive to Lolitaism." With roughly one marriage out of four ending in divorce today, many young people are forced to cope with a new environment, usually away from their natural father. Although there exists wide concern regarding young boys who must grow up without their fathers, less attention has been given to girls in this same situation.
When a divorce occurs, there are a variety of arrangements which can ensue. One is that of the mother raising the children alone. Although many growing girls are able to survive such circumstances, others may be ripe for a re- lationship with an older man, sexual or nonsexual, depending on various factors. This is not an extension of the traditional Freudian theory, but simply a recognition that girls growing up without fathers may sense that something is lacking in their lives.
If the fatherless girl identifies the older man with whom she allies herself as a father substitute, perhaps even going so far as to call him "Daddy," there is less likelihood of a sexual relationship to develop. When this is the case, both the girl and the older man usually perceive certain roles for themselves and act accordingly. However, there is equal likelihood that the girl, asserting her own independence, will wish to play the role of a grown woman with her older friend. The relationship may remain an intellectual one, especially if the girl is intellectually precocious, and if the man involved is well in control of the situation. However, the need for a young girl to prove her femininity is often very strong. She may respond to the man's attraction for her, even if he has tried to keep this hidden. Or she may use all the wiles and cunning at her disposal to seduce him.
Another type of situation resulting from a broken home is that in which the mother remarries, introducing a strange man into the everyday life of the home. This is precisely the setting in which Nabokov placed his story, and it is a setting which provides the stimulus for many budding nymphets. Besides having day-to-day contact with each other, the young girl and the older man are officially expected to show affection for one another. Such affection may seem very innocent at first, but may easily develop into sexual attraction and, subsequently, sexual involvement.
In cases such as this, the young girl is less likely to be emotionally involved as is the girl who seeks the attention of a stranger outside of the home. In fact, she may even resent the presence of her stepfather and use her sexuality as a way of acting out her hostility toward him and toward her mother.
A still different situation occurs when the children of divorced parents are placed in a foster home. Beth Hollingsworth, who observed hundreds of cases of Lolitaism occurring within foster homes while working with the Detroit Welfare Department, states:
The situation seems almost made to order ... the girl has already suffered some traumatic things by the time she has arrived at a foster home. Perhaps she has met with divorce, rejection, or neglect. Now, she meets a man, a stranger, one in close proximity to her. He is her "father"-a non-blood father -with whom she now lives. Perhaps she is inspired to win his favor and does so through the means of her sexuality. Perhaps the man is inclined toward girls. Perhaps he is not, but is merely a male who likes women, regardless of their age. Or perhaps the girl is easily seduced. I'm never surprised when I learn of a young girl having sexual relations with her foster father.
Although the broken home and the experience of new environments which ensue can provide the springboard for Lolitaism, not all nymphets come from broken homes. Some are raised in seemingly secure, stable families. Yet these girls share with the others the early discovery of their own sexuality. They may, as do many young people, overtly seek to use their sexuality as a way of rebelling against the restrictions imposed upon them. But also, their sexual involvement with an older man can simply be coincidence: the result of all the appropriate circumstances occurring simultaneously.
It is far from abnormal for young girls to be preoccupied with sex, and with themselves as feminine beings, though often they may be unaware of the responses they can create in an adult male. Current customs permit the wearing of skirts which leave most of the legs exposed as well as blouses which are see-through or low-cut, even for preteen girls. Also, current customs permit these young girls to emulate their older sisters and their mothers in their walk and their gestures, although this may not even be necessary to provoke the attentions of an adult male.
Some, though certainly not all, men profess an attraction for young girls. Few, however, are able to resist the provocations that such young girls can evoke. Sometimes the male is capable of maintaining his role as stepfather, foster father, teacher or friend, but very often he falls prey to the advances, whether they be subtle or obvious, of a young and attractive female. The case studies that follow provide a cross section of modern-day Lolitas, each of whom became involved with an older man in a different set of circumstances. These case studies were especially chosen to demonstrate to the reader the different ways in which this phenomenon can occur and to elicit sympathy and understanding for individuals who are victims of these circumstances.
CHAPTER ONE
Thirteen-Year-Old Judy and Her English Teacher Ted
"My mom thought it was so groovy when I started seeing Mr. J-, my English teacher, after school. She's so dumb. Like she looked at the covers of the books he was giving me to read. And she wasn't even surprised when I started to call him Ted. She thinks it's nice that I have a grown man I can be close to after having been without a father all these years since the divorce. No, she'll never guess....
"I knew from the very beginning that Ted was interested in more than my brilliant young mind. Sure, he gets a kick out of showing me things in books and watching me turn on to fan-tastically complicated things. But that's not all. I've known all along that he liked to look at my legs in my miniskirts and that he watched the expressions on my face with more than an intellectual interest. As I said to myself after that first session after school when we didn't do anything but stay in the classroom and read poetry-this man has the hots for me.
"Not that he did anything really weird. I just sensed it. Feminine intuition, you know. So I wasn't at all surprised when he suggested we meet at his apartment instead of at school.
"We were careful, of course. He gave me directions and I walked there, while he drove. That way no one around the school would suspect anything.
"The walk wasn't long but it gave me a chance to think about the possibilities ahead. There was the chance, of course, that he'd chicken out and not try anything. There was also the chance that he'd put it off until he figured I was good and ready for it. But what I was hoping for was that he'd take advantage of the opportunity.
"I'm thirteen and I guess I've been ready to have a man make love to me for two years, maybe longer. Everything I've read about sex-and I've read quite a lot-made it sound so great. Plus I'd heard other girls my age talking about it. Some of them have made it with guys sixteen or seventeen. Quite a few of them have the birth control pills even. Their mothers are more hip than mine. But frankly, high-school guys don't really appeal to me. They're all so sloppy and funny looking with long greasy hair and clothes to make them look poor when they're not.
"Ted is different. He's in his middle thirties and wears the grooviest clothes, you know, paisley shirts and scarves and turtlenecks. And he wears his hair a little longer than most teachers, but it's professionally styled and always clean. He looks the way I think a man should look. Of course that's not the only reason I'm in love with him....
"When I got to Ted's place that afternoon, he'd fixed a Coke for me and some other kind of drink for himself. I figured it was alcoholic.
"'Do you usually have a drink when you come home?' I asked him.
"'Oh, once in a while. This is sort of a special occasion.' He smiled at me warmly.
"'You must be lonely, living here by yourself,' I said. I hoped I wouldn't bring back unhappy memories by saying that. I knew he'd been married once and that something had gone wrong.
"'Yes, I am often lonely. Let's sit on the couch together.'
"I sat down close to him. I noticed that there were books on the coffee table, but he didn't volunteer to show them to me. We just sat together, close enough that my thigh was touching his. It felt nice, just being there like that. I looked up at him and smiled.
"'I'm very fond of you, Judy,' he said. Then he put his arm around me and drew me even closer. 'But I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you. You know that,' he went on.
"'I know,' I muttered, then I got up a little courage. 'Why don't we just act as though we were adults? Forget that I'm only in ninth grade. I don't feel like a ninth-grader, especially when I'm with you.'
"'You're making it very hard for me to act the way a schoolteacher should,' he said.
"'Forget about that,' I told him. 'If you forget that I'm a student, I'll forget that you're a teacher.'
"He didn't reply to that. Instead, he simply took me in his arms. He held me for a minute or so, then bent down and brought his lips over mine. It was glorious. I'd been kissed once before, by just a boy, but that was nothing like this. His mouth moved all around, rubbing against mine. Finally I realized that he was trying to open my lips. I was already beginning to feel dizzy.
"When my mouth was open, he started to do funny little things with his tongue, extending it between my teeth and reaching for my own tongue. I really didn't know what to do. It was totally unlike anything that had ever happened to me before. I let him have my tongue at last. I couldn't believe kissing could be so sexy. I mean, it all reminded me of what people are supposed to do with their genital organs, and the sensations even seemed to be like what I'd expected the real thing would feel like.
"I was panting when we finally separated, and I'm sure he was aware of what incredible things he was doing to me.
"'There's something here that can't be denied,' he said in a low voice.
"He took me in his arms again, and besides kissing me, he began to let his hands wander over me. First he only touched the safer places, my shoulders, my arms, my back, my waist. It was all so gentle, so tender. I was already trembling a little when his hands finally crossed my breasts. He didn't grab at them or anything like that. He just sort of grazed them as though to ask me if I really wanted more.
"I let him know by returning his kiss furiously. I pressed my lips firmly against his and began to grind our two mouths together. I prodded my tongue deeply into his mouth too. He was caressing my breasts now with the softest, most sensual kind of touch I'd ever imagined. I couldn't help imagining how that touch would feel against my bare flesh.
"'Are you sure?' he asked me when our kiss ended. 'Are you sure you want to go through with this? It's all right if you're just teasing me. We can always just forget about it and tx friends the way we were before.'
"I took his face between my hands and looked into his eyes very seriously. I didn't say anything. I just brought my face slowly up to his and planted my lips on his once more. By now he knew I didn't want to turn back.
"Now I could feel the gentle motion of his hand gliding against my bare thigh, traveling upward. I was thrilled with the anticipation of what was to come. He was getting closer and closer to that special place where I wanted most for him to touch me. Nobody has ever touched me there. This was something I'd been waiting for, imagining, hoping for.
"At last his hand was under my skirt and tugging at my tight nylon panties. Our kiss-another of those long, passionate kisses-continued. He rubbed me on the outside of my panties until I thought I'd go wild. At last he grabbed the elastic at the top and slid them off, guiding them the whole way down my long legs. When his hand returned to me, my legs were spread, ready for him to do whatever he pleased.
"He first ran his hand over the fine little hairs.
"'So silky. So soft,' he muttered.
"Then he parted the lips so he could reach the tender flesh inside. I was all wet, of course. That would let him know all right that I hadn't been faking it, that I was really capable of responding like a woman.
"His hand was now touching my pussy. I could hardly believe that it was happening for real. It was like some beautiful, romantic dream. He was so gentle, so loving, if you know what I mean. I kept thinking to myself how great it was to have someone appreciating my body this way, but at the same time, I was losing hold of my rational mind somehow. All I knew was pure desire. I wanted more strange and exciting sensations and I also wanted my desire to be satisfied.
"For a long time he just explored my pussy, letting his fingers go here and there as though he really didn't know what to expect. Probably he'd never seduced anybody so young before and probably a younger girl's pussy is kind of different, underdeveloped, I suppose. At last he stuck one of his fingers into the opening and extended it way inside me. That felt fantastic. I could hardly wait for his penis to be there, only I knew that would be entirely different.' I wondered if he'd have trouble getting it in.
"'You're not a virgin, technically, at least,' he informed me in a whisper.
"'Really?' I said. 'I wasn't sure. I've never done anything, though. I guess I'd better warn you. I'm very inexperienced. But I want to learn.'
"'Do you really?'
"'Yes,' I said. 'Yes, I will, yes....'
"`How lovely you are,' he said, 'in every way.'
"The next thing I knew he was helping me out of my dress, which was all I had on. I don't wear bras. Hardly anybody does these days, you know. But I do have breasts, not too big but nicely rounded and with oversize nipples. I didn't think he'd be disappointed at what he saw when I was finally nude.
"He drew me to him and began to cover me with little kisses on my breasts and tummy and everywhere.
"'I could eat you up,' he said.
"I giggled. To be honest, at that point I didn't know the meaning of the word 'eat,' the sexual meaning, that is. But I soon found out.
"He put me down on the couch and spread my legs apart.
"'I want so badly to eat you,' he said.
"The next thing he did was put his head between my legs. I'd heard of sixty-nine, of course, and I'd read about cunnilingus somewhere, too, but I was really surprised that he wanted to do this with me, here and now.
"The touch of his tongue was even more fantastic than his fingers had been. There was a wetness and slipperiness that made me tremble all over from the sensations that it gave me. Little electric shocks shot through my whole body. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was actually close to orgasm. I guess he sensed it, though, because before very long he stopped. "He got up and started to peel off his clothes. I lay there watching him, and to pass the time I let my hands wander all over my body, caressing myself. He didn't take his eyes off me. I guess it was a very sexy thing, my touching myself like that, but I wasn't doing it to be sexy. It just sort of came naturally.
"The sight of his naked body when he finally got all his clothes off didn't startle or surprise me particularly. He wasn't the athletic type, to be sure, but then I despise athletes. He was really rather skinny and not at all tanned, just what one would expect of a sensitive, intellectual person. One thing did catch my attention, though, and that was the size of his penis. I have nothing to compare it with in my past experience, but it looked a lot bigger than I'd expected, far too big to get inside me.
"I was a little scared now. I guess that's natural enough for the first time. I expected it to hurt and I was willing to put up with a little bit of pain if I'd get some pleasure out of it, too. I had no regrets or feelings of guilt at all; I really wanted to have sexual intercourse with this man I adored so.
"Soon he was over me, poised and ready. I spread my legs wide and he caressed the sensitive flesh in-between. Then, ever so gradually, he lowered himself to me until his penis was touching my tiny opening. I expected him to shove it in, but he waited and rubbed it around down there for a little while. That felt good When he did put it in, he was very careful. He inched it in a little at a time, watching my face for expressions of pain or pleasure.
"To tell the truth I felt neither. It hadn't hurt, the way I'd thought it would, but it didn't particularly thrill me either. It was just there And I was a little disappointed. Of course, I knew that's normal, too.
"I began to enjoy it when he got into motion, sliding it in and out very gently, rubbing against the stretched skin of my opening. It was like a tender caress and I was infinitely happy. Yes, it was really happening to me, the real thing that everybody talks about so much.
"I'd lost the peak of excitement I'd reached earlier and it took a while for me to get back there. Ted knew what to do, of course. He put his hand under my buttocks and began to move me up and down with him. I realized that I could do the same thing all by myself, sort of swing my hips in rhythm with him, and I started doing it. It made a fantastic difference. Now my whole pussy reached up to him, touched briefly, then pulled away.
"'It's good,' I said at last.
"'It's wonderful,' he returned.
"I sensed a gradually spreading warmth that extended all over my pussy, centering around my clitoris, of course, but shooting out in all directions, even as far as my anus. Each time he plunged into me I felt hotter. And by now he was doing it a lot faster. I kept up with him too, swiveling my hips in rhythm with his thrusts. It was really beautiful. Nobody would ever believe that the first time could be so great. I had an expert lover, though, and that made all the difference in the world.
"I'm a real woman at last, I thought to myself, and I wished there were somebody I could tell afterwards, but I knew we had to keep it a deep, dark secret.
"Soon, though, I wasn't thinking about anything but the way my pussy felt. He pumped me harder and harder and I loved it.
"'Oh,' I groaned.
"His mouth sought mine and we had another of those fantastic kisses. It was perfectly wild, the way his tongue was moving into me at one end and his penis at the other. I felt really joined to him somehow, as though I couldn't tell where my body left off and his began. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
"On and on we went, rocking the couch with the violence of our motions. It was everything I'd ever wanted it to be. Yes, it was perfect. I was climbing higher and higher, it seemed, ever closer to attaining the ultimate pinnacle of sensation. That's really what it was like, only of course I wasn't thinking in words like that at the time. Later and only later, going over the whole thing in my mind, I described it all to myself in a sort of poetic way. Right now I was completely lost in what was happening to my body.
"I'd read a little about orgasms and what they're supposed to feel like. But even if I'd never heard the word I'd have known when this incredible thing happened. There's nothing else in the world quite like it. Whoever compared it to a sneeze must have had a pretty dull sex life.
"For me it was like great ocean waves crashing against the shore again and again, beginning with great impact, then dwindling and diminishing ever so gradually. Or at least that's the way I thought about it later. When it happened I simply screamed a little scream and gasped.
"'Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted,' I murmured. 'Ted, darling.'
"My whole body was twitching and going every which way underneath him. And my pussy was absolutely bursting. I hadn't known that it could last so long and I'd had utterly no idea of what it would feel like.
"He kept on going, penetrating me with swift, forceful strokes. It was only an instant or so, though, before I was aware that he was about to climax too. I could see his face, so contorted it seemed unreal. It was as though he felt pain instead of pleasure, but I'm sure he was really enjoying it. He only looked so strange because it was so intense.
"At last he was stabbing at me and this was the only time during the whole thing that my poor little pussy actually hurt. But I didn't mind because he was enjoying himself so much and I loved him. Yes, I really loved him then.
"One final thrust and I could feel the hot liquid inside me. Then he collapsed, almost crushing me. He didn't say anything and didn't open his eyes for the longest time. It entered my mind that he might have had a heart attack-doesn't that happen sometimes?-and that he'd died. He really seemed to be unconscious.
"When he revived, he began covering me with little kisses and calling me 'sweetheart' and 'darling.'
"That was the beginning of our affair.
"We met again two days later at his place and made love, of course. Although I'd found some poetry I wanted to discuss with him, there just wasn't time for that. My mother gets home from work at four-thirty and she'd really think I was up to something if I wasn't there.
"We sort of fell into a pattern of meeting three times a week, always after school and never on weekends. He said he loved me but I didn't quite believe him. I wondered if he took out someone else, someone older and more sophisticated on Saturdays or Sundays. I was sure that I meant something special to him, but I sensed that he was a little uneasy about the whole thing. Nearly every time we met he'd ask me if I'd told anyone and make me promise never to mention it, ever.
"Finally I got up the nerve to ask him if he ever took out anyone else. I knew this would make me seem sort of possessive, and I try to be very mature about everything, but I had to know.
"He seemed horrified that I'd even thought of such a thing. He told me again that he loved me and only me and that he'd find it impossible to be unfaithful. I began to feel a little ashamed.
"'But what about the weekends?' I ventured. 'We never see each other from Friday until Monday. It's awful for me.'
"'It's awful for me, too,' he said. 'I miss you terribly.'
"'Then let's do something together this weekend. We could go to the country for a picnic or something. Anything as long as we're together.'
"'You forget that we have to be very cautious.'
"'Oh, I know that. I could think up an excuse for my mother, you know, something about going out with the girls. And I could even take a bus to the edge of town and meet you there. How about that?'
"'Oh, you're very clever,' he chuckled. 'Okay, you win.'
"And so we arranged to go on a picnic together on Sunday afternoon. I still wasn't sure of his love or his fidelity, but I thought it would be fun to be together somewhere else for a change.
"We met at the edge of town at a bus stop where there aren't any stores or houses. The only people who could see me getting into his car were the people in a car that was coming the other direction. And he worried about that, even scolding me for not waiting until there wasn't another living creature in sight. I think that's what they call being paranoid.
"We drove far into the country, then took a dirt road into the woods. It was fall and the scenery was lovely. I wondered how he happened to know of the obscure little spot where we finally stopped, but I guess I'm a little paranoid, too.
"He'd packed a big basket full of Cokes and potato chips and sandwiches. We carried it into the woods until we reached a small clearing. He took the blanket off the top of the basket and spread it on the ground. I looked inside the basket and made some remark about how groovy it was he'd thought to bring all those things. I started to set out some food on the blanket, but suddenly he clasped me in his arms.
"'I'd rather eat you instead,' he whispered.
"I was dying to make love. In fact, I never get enough of it. Without any help from him, I had my slacks, shirt, and panties off and lay down, spread-eagle fashion, on the blanket.
"Instants later he was crouched between my legs. He was still fully dressed. Gently he-ran his hand over my mound then parted the lips and let his fingers wander over the slippery surface inside. I started wiggling. I was hot already. It never takes long to turn me on for some strange reason. I know women are supposed to take awhile in getting aroused, but I had to go without it so much of the time that I was always ready and willing when the opportunity came.
"At last he was lapping at me with his tongue and I emitted screams of delight as he did so. He could do so many strange and wonderful things with that tongue of his. I especially liked the way he sometimes rolled it up and made it very pointed, then tickled me. But everything he did turned me on.
"By now he knew every little bulge and crevice of my pussy so well. He knew how to tease me and how to make me scream to have him fuck' me.
"This time I was so hot that I knew I couldn't stand a lot of his expert tongue work. I knew I could come that way, but I don't want to somehow. I never let him bring me to orgasm orally.
"I knew that sooner or later he'd suggest it and this happened to be the time that he brought it up.
"`How about finishing it off this way,' he said. 'I know you'd love it.'
"'No,' I protested. 'Give me the real thing.'
"He didn't argue, although I think he was a little disappointed. He quickly got out of his clothes and crawled on top of me. His penis slipped right in, the way it does these days now that I'm experienced. At first his strokes were very slow and he kept caressing me everywhere with his hands. I lay still for a moment or two, then began to grind my hips in rhythm with his motions. With every thrust of his penis inside me I grew hotter and hotter. My pussy tightened around that enormous shaft and I loved the way it filled me.
"He gradually increased the force and the speed. By now I was trembling with excitement.
"'Oh, darling,' I moaned, 'give me more, give me more.'
"'I'll give you everything I've got, sweetheart,' he returned in a coarse whisper.
"Together we churned and pounced. I was vaguely aware of the hard ground underneath my back, but nothing really mattered now except my hot pussy and the marvelous things he was doing to it. I suppose I'm lucky, the way I've learned to enjoy sex so much when so many women seem to have problems. My problem is, though, that I want it all the time. Yes, I could have sex for breakfast, lunch, and dinner....
"I have no trouble reaching a climax ever. Sometimes I try to keep from having one for as long as I can, prolonging the beautiful agony of it all. That's what I was doing now. I was ripe to finish at any instant, but I wanted to stay right where I was for as long as possible. I wanted to experience as much of those exquisite sensations as I could before it was over and done with.
"I was incredibly wet, which meant he could pound me furiously without my feeling the slightest twinge of pain. It's amazing how I've adjusted to that enormous penis.
"Finally I couldn't hold out any longer. No amount of distracting myself worked. My body just took over, putting my mind in second place. The little tremors grew into great spasms and my pussy was going utterly wild, alternately clutching at his penis, then letting it go, then straining to pull all of it into me. My hands dug into his back, and his shoulder against my face muffled the scream that I couldn't suppress. Oh, it was so good, so very, very good.
"He never made it at exactly the same time I did, for some reason, yet my orgasms usually triggered off his. And I usually kept on twitching and trembling while he climaxed.
"This time, though, it took a little longer. He kept on going at a furious speed, although I was too exhausted to keep up. I lay there, now feeling the uncomfortableness of the hard ground and wishing he'd hurry up.
"At last I felt his penis seem to explode inside of me. I held his now relaxed body tenderly in my arms and stroked his back. Even though those last few minutes hadn't been quite as much fun for me, I experienced a tremendous feeling of satisfaction from having him climax inside me.
"I love all the little things about it too, the way the warm liquid dribbles out of my pussy afterwards and the way our bodies become sweaty and sticky together. I even love the strange mixture of odors, all so pungent and strong. There are so many wonderful things about sex that the books-or at least the books I've read-just don't tell you.
"Frankly, I thought I'd found the perfect lover and that's what made it all so great. My secret hope was that he'd wait until I finished high school and then marry me, but he didn't mention anything of the kind. So I went on worrying about whether he really loved me enough and whether I was really destined to be heartbroken in the end. If he left me, I didn't know what I'd do."
Judy's experiences parallel, to some degree, the cases reported by Dr. Robert V. Heckel in his study, "The Effects of Fatherlessness in the Pre-Adolescent Female." Although Judy began her affair with an older man at an age slightly past that of preadolescence, she shares with the subjects of Dr. Heckel's study the one most important factor of all, namely, the lack of a father, which Dr. Heckel believes to be the one most important factor in the development of the Lolita syndrome.
Nevertheless, Judy did not overtly seek to make a father substitute of her lover. Although she was not quite able to meet him on his own level, what she wanted most of all was to be treated as an equal. Intellectually, she was quite mature for her age. She was bright and well read. Emotionally, however, she was much less grown-up than she considered herself to be. Her concept of love was mainly centered around sex. It would seem that she had been culturally conditioned to think of love as a necessary adjunct to sexual relations and therefore convinced herself that she was in love. Actually, though, Judy's need for love, particularly for the kind of love an older man could provide, was quite great. And although her sexual needs are probably quite real, it is possible that the descriptions of her sexual responses are somewhat exaggerated.
Judy's encounter with the social case worker, to whom she recounted her adventures, came as the result of growing conflict between Judy and her mother. Typical of the Lolitas cited by Dr. Heckel, Judy harbored a great deal of hostility toward her mother. As her affair progressed and Judy came to think of herself as a mature and independent woman, she began to set herself against her mother in quite an aggressive way.
Small disagreements over what clothes Judy wanted or what books her mother hadn't read developed into bitter quarrels that stopped just short of violence. Judy's mother, though lacking in understanding Judy's interests, her preoccupations and her problems, was nevertheless concerned, and felt that the situation was beyond her control. Thus she sought the help of a local social agency, a federally-funded operation which charged only nominal fees for consultation. Psychotherapy might have been more appropriate in Judy's case, but was beyond her mother's limited financial means.
The episode that follows points up Judy's true lack of maturity in the affair which she took so seriously at times.
"We hadn't planned to see each other that afternoon, but all day long I'd been dying for some sex. I was aware of my pussy constantly as I sat in class. It was hot and wet, the way it gets sometimes just before my periods for no good reason at all.
"I had to see him. That was all there was to it. So I decided to go to his place and surprise him. I walked there directly after school, but nobody answered when I rang the doorbell. I went down to his garage and saw that he wasn't home yet. So I waited behind some shrubbery for his car to pull in.
"I recognized the sound of his engine about five minutes later, but stayed in my hiding place until he'd parked the car and got out. As he walked toward the apartment building, I jumped out of the shrubbery and scared him.
"'Why, Judy, I didn't expect...."
"I giggled. 'Aren't you glad to see me?'
"'Of course, but it's quite a surprise, that's all.'
"Something seemed to be bugging him as we Walked up the steps together. Frankly, I was annoyed that he hadn't been overjoyed to see me. This man is supposed to love me. Why doesn't he act like it?
"Inside the apartment, he flopped down on the couch.
"'It's been a hard day,' he said. 'I'm very tired.'
"I didn't really know what he was trying to tell me. Sure I understand that people get tired, but I didn't know what tiredness could do to a man.
"I proceeded to take all my clothes off, slowly and gracefully, as though I were doing a striptease act on stage. One thing at a time, with wiggles and sneak-peeks in-between. I thought I did a pretty good job, but he just sat there as though he didn't notice.
"I wasn't mad, though, not yet. I went over to the couch and began to run my fingers through his hair and play with his ears. He smiled con-tentedly. Then I got up on my knees and thrust one of my nice big red nipples into his mouth. That he couldn't resist, but he wasn't overly enthusiastic somehow.
"I'd read that there are times when the woman should take the aggressive role and I guess that's what I was doing now. I racked my brain to think of ways to turn him on.
"The most obvious thing to do was undress him. First I removed his bright red scarf that was fastened with a kind of ring, then I unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off as he leaned forward. I had trouble with his belt buckle, so he gave me a hand with that. Next I unzipped his fly and reached my hand inside.
"Much to my surprise, his penis was little and limp. I'd seen it that way once in a while, but never at a time like this. I was stunned and hurt, though I tried not to let it show.
"All too passively he rose from the couch briefly to let me slip down his pants and his shorts. When I got them to his ankles. I realized that his shoes had to come off first, so I unbuckled them, pulled them off, then with one yank, removed his pants, shorts and socks. Some change fell out of one of his-pockets, but I let it lie on the floor. I was careful, though, to drape his pants over the arm of the couch so they wouldn't get badly wrinkled.
"All this and he was still soft. It was difficult to believe. I crawled into his lap and began to give him little kisses on the chin, neck and shoulders. Still no erection!
"Finally I took his penis between my hands and began to massage it in the most sensual way I knew how, stroking the little ridge under the head where I know he likes to be touched. It did grow a little larger, but it was nothing like the hard on I was used to.
"Finally he spoke. 'I'm sorry, baby. It's no use. I'm just too tired.'
"'Being tired is a state of mind,' I told him. I'd heard that somewhere.
"He smiled. 'Honey, I guess there are things you don't know about men.'
"That made me mad. After all this time, he was accusing me of being sexually naive. 'What do you mean?' I spouted out angrily. "I know all there is to know about men.'
"'There's one thing you don't seem to know, sweetheart, and that's the fact that sometimes a man is too tired to perform. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he can't'
"I'd heard about impotence, but I thought it was a kind of disease. Since then I've heard about temporary impotence, but at the time I didn't know such a thing existed. I felt hurt and discouraged. It seemed to me that he didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me anymore. And I was so hot I could hardly bear it, especially now that I was naked. My poor pussy was all tingly, all ready for it, and every nerve in my body was on edge.
"'I've got to have it,' I cried anxiously. 'I need it. Don't you understand?'
"'Baby, I'm sorry. Really I am,' he stammered.
"I just sat there in his lap and glared at him for a few minutes. Finally I said, 'If you don't, do you know what I'll do? I'll tell. I'll tell everybody about us. My mother. The school principal. Everybody!'
"'You wouldn't,' he gasped. 'You couldn't do that, could you? Do you realize what that would mean? I'd probably go to jail....'
"'I'm giving you a choice,' I said firmly.
"'But don't you see? I have no choice.' He covered his face with his hands.
"I'd really struck him where it hurt, in both challenging-his masculinity and in threatening to tell. But it didn't occur to me then what an awful thing I was doing.
"'Do you love me or don't you?' I asked him curtly.
"'Judy, you have no idea how much I love you. Do you realize how much I've risked already to be with you. I adore you. I can't resist you. Oh, Judy.'
"He put his arms around me then and began to caress me all over. It's strange, but a person's body feels different somehow when they've just been hurt and I became aware of that difference just now. Suddenly he didn't seem tike such a big man anymore, he seemed to be more on my own level. His touch was tentative, questioning, fearful almost. I could sense all this. And I was trembling from both anger and sexual excitement.
"Our two bodies clung together and we seemed to melt into each other. I knew now that he really did love me in his own way and that I'd done something terribly wrong. Suddenly, I couldn't help crying, not sobbing, but just letting the tears drip from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. He kissed me tenderly, reassuringly.
"Soon he was kissing my breasts, too. Then he lay me down on the couch with my pussy pointing toward his face. He bent down and began to kiss my pussy with all the same tenderness and gentleness. I quivered at his touch.
"What I felt now was somehow different from anything I'd ever felt before. I'd been charged with all sorts of different emotions those past few minutes. But that seemed to make me more excited than ever. I squirmed and wiggled as he glided his tongue all around my pussy. It really felt wonderful. I was so extremely sensitive to everything, the wetness, the rough surface of his tongue, the way he kept changing the rhythm.
"For a little while he took my clitoris and sucked at it gently, not too much, just enough to tease me. Then he curled his tongue so that the end became pointed and prodded it into the opening. I was too far gone by now to even think of having intercourse. What I wanted was more of this. Yes, this was so much more gentle.
"I lay there, letting him carry me higher and higher with the magnificent motions of his tongue. I'd forgotten everything but the way my pussy felt and the sensations that started there and shot through my whole body. I didn't know if I was close to making it or not; all I knew was that I loved every bit of it. I wasn't thinking ahead. I was just enjoying every unique sensation as it occurred. It was one of the most fantastic times I'd ever had.
"To make it even better, Ted moistened one of his fingers and stuck it into my anus. That's the first time this ever happened to me; in fact, I'd never even considered what such a thing would feel like. And it's hard to describe. From the instant he did it, a strange and new kind of sensation seemed to creep up my whole spine. At the same time my pussy got hotter, incredibly hot.
"I began to moan and squirm. It was pure ecstasy. Everything possible was happening all at once: his finger in my anus, his tongue in my opening, and his lips against my clitoris.
"It was more than I could stand. All of a sudden I was twitching wildly. I don't know where my orgasm started or if it started everywhere all at once. My hips shot up in the air and I was grinding my pussy against his face.
Suddenly he thrust two fingers into my gaping hole and I could feel the inner walls clutch against them tightly in tremendous spasms. I hadn't believed myself capable of such a violent response.
"My whole body was writhing and twisting, and then I was laughing hysterically. I was totally out of my mind for a few moments there. The whole thing was so wild it frightened me afterwards when I was myself again. The thought flashed through my mind that I might be a nymphomaniac.
"But I didn't become depressed or concerned because Ted was covering me all over with little kisses and telling me how much he loved me. I was infinitely happy and it was only later that I remembered how oddly our lovemaking had begun and how badly I'd behaved."
Judy's affair with Ted continued for several months. At the end of the school term, however, Ted moved to another school district where he was to begin working during the summer session. Ted explained to Judy that he was leaving because he had a better job and could not turn down a chance for advancement in his profession. Judy realized what she had suspected all along, that Ted was fascinated and captivated by her youthful charms, but did not love her in an enduring and complete way. He did write to her occasionally after the separation, though infrequently for fear of discovery. To preserve her self-respect, Judy wrote him a scathing reply in which she accused him of doing great damage to her. After all, he had initiated her sexually, then left her to be lonely and frustrated.
For some time after Ted's departure, Judy's difficulties at home became worse. One of the reasons was her sexual frustration. She became increasingly edgy and irritable. The social worker tried to point out to her that her mother might also be sexually frustrated and therefore should be worthy of her sympathy, but Judy refused to acknowledge that her mother was capable of sexual drives. For some reason not explained by the social worker, Judy was never encouraged to masturbate, a practice that might have given her some physical relief at least.
After a long and difficult summer, Judy returned to school as a sophomore, and began to date a senior whom she described as different from other boys his age. Surprisingly, they became sexually involved from the start and the relationship appeared to be satisfactory in a number of ways. Perhaps the most important factor in this new affair was that the boy's parents took an interest in Judy. Unlike her own mother, they were able to appreciate her intellectual capacities. Furthermore, they were aware of the young couple's sexual relationship and did not disapprove. The boy's mother went so far as to procure birth control pills for Judy, which entailed traveling to another town to a strange doctor and posing as Judy's own mother.
Thus, Judy became a reformed Lolita, transforming herself into a more typical teenager of our times. Her new lover provided her with a sex life every bit as exciting as the one she had enjoyed with Ted and with emotional satisfaction that had been lacking in her previous affair. Also, in the boy's parents she found the adult attention and guidance her own home had not provided.
At the time she stopped seeing the social worker, Judy's outlook for the future was quite optimistic. The boy planned to attend a college near home so as to be near Judy. They tentatively planned marriage, but agreed that Judy should stay in school and make every attempt to obtain a scholarship. Most important, perhaps, Judy came to terms with her mother's deficiencies and began to understand the difficulties involved in raising a child alone. Thus she became more tolerant and more sympathetic. In short, she became a much more mature young woman.
CHAPTER TWO
Eleven-Year-Old Tami and Her Stepfather Hank
"As long as I live, I'll never forget the sight of Hank's bare cock-the first one I'd ever seen-all swollen and full of odd little veins and edged with dark, kinky hair. I'd never even imagined what one would look like.
"And somehow I really hadn't expected this to happen. He had me pinned down on the bed and at first I thought he was going to rape me. But he didn't even bother to take off my clothes. He just took down his pants and lowered his cock over my face. I squirmed and tried to get away, but his hold on me was too strong.
"'Suck it, you little tease. Suck me off.' His voice was harsh and gruff.
"I resisted until he pried my mouth open, all the while holding me down with the other hand. Then he shoved his cock inside. I thought I'd choke. I thought I'd faint from shock, too, because Hank just happens to be my mother's husband, my stepfather!
"Why did he call me a little tease, what did I do? Well, I suppose I might as well tell the whole story. I did a lot of things actually, but I never bothered to add them up in my mind. I never expected things to turn out the way they did.
"Mom and I had been alone for a long time when she finally met Hank. My father had stepped out on us when I was a tiny baby and my mother went to work to support us. She never went out much with men. She seemed to think that it was more important for her to be home with me, teaching me how to sew or helping me with my homework and stuff like that. She seemed to try so hard to make it up to me for not having a father. I think that when she did go out, she felt guilty about it.
"Hank is a pretty forceful kind of guy and when he came along everything changed. I sensed that he was sort of pushing himself on my mother, almost against her will, but in a way she couldn't resist. My mother isn't too pretty and she's not getting any younger, so she fell for him and let him take over our lives.
When she'd tell him she'd rather be with me than go out he'd say, 'Bring the kid along,' and she'd agree.
"In just weeks after they'd met, Mom and Hank got married and we all went to live at his house, which has a lot more room than our apartment but isn't as modern or pretty. Mom was awfully concerned about me. She even said once she wouldn't marry Hank unless she was sure it would make me happy, too.
"It's hard to put into words how I felt about Hank in the beginning. I kind of resented the way he was suddenly in command of everything, I'll admit. But I was conned by him, just as my mother was. He was really a kind of middle-aged prince charming, very good looking, fun to be with, and always thinking of great things to do like go on picnics or camping or have dinner out. Mom and I had led a pretty quiet life together and he taught us how to relax and have fun. Yes, I liked him and liked having him around.
"I was eleven when Hank and Mom got married and I'd just started having my periods. But, really, I didn't consider myself old enough to have sex or anything like that. Of course, I thought about sex quite a bit and talked about it with my girl friends, but it all seemed to be something that was part of the future. Naturally, I looked forward to it the way all the other girls did.
"Honestly, sex didn't seem to enter into what happened between Hank and me. I guess that shows how dumb I was.
"From the very beginning Hank and I spent a lot of time together. Instead of helping me with my homework and stuff like that, though, we did things that were more fun.
"Now that I think of it, we touched each other a lot. We'd do things like hide from each other in the big house, then when one discovered the other, we'd hug as though we were greeting each other after a long trip. We even did this when my mother was around and she seemed to think it was very sweet.
"Then once we had a tickling battle. I know that sounds awfully childish or else awfully suspicious, but, nevertheless, it happened. I guess I started it when I told him I wasn't ticklish.
"'I'll bet I can make you laugh,' he said.
"'I'll bet you can't,' I told him, 'and I'll bet I can make you laugh.'
"'Okay, whoever laughs first loses,' he said.
"So we were tickling each other. I tried to get under his arms but he kept them glued to his sides, so all I could reach was his chest. I kept my arms tight against me, too, and his hands couldn't help grazing my breasts, which were pretty well developed. Anyway, this made me giggle, I lost and we hugged and made up. I never gave it a second thought. It was fun, sure, but it seemed so innocent. After all, this man was my stepfather. Shouldn't he be allowed to touch me practically anywhere?
"What should have put me wise, though, was the time we wrestled. Mom was at work when this happened. And I started it. I just wanted to test my strength, or that's all it seemed to be at the time. Now that I think of it, though, what I did feel then and during the tickling battle was something like sexual excitement, only I didn't know it. It's also like the feeling you get in sports sometimes, when you're using different parts of your body.
"Anyway, I snuck up behind Hank and reached up, grabbing him around the chest, as though I expected to be able to toss him over my shoulder. Of course, all I expected was to jolt his balance a little and I hoped I might be able to make his feet leave the floor for an instant. I'm pretty strong for a girl and I'm proud of it, too.
"He whipped around fast as could be and grabbed me by the waist. Then he hoisted me into the air.
"'Let's Wrestle,' I said.
"'Sure you want to, with a big man like me?' he asked, grinning.
"'Sure,' I said.
"Before I knew what was happening we were on the floor. He was careful not to hurt me, but he did do some pretty weird things. He didn't use any of the standard wrestling holds I know of. Instead, he kept moving my legs into funny positions. Once he spread them as far apart as he could and I'm sure he could see my panties because he was standing up at the time. Also, he took my legs and wrapped them around his waist while he bent over me.
"One thing I'll have to confess. I wasn't resisting all this as well as I could have. It was fun in an odd sort of way. Now I know it was pure sex. In another minute he'd have started something if the telephone hadn't started ringing. He was on the phone for quite a while and I went out to the kitchen to get some work done to help out Mom.
"But the only thing that entered my stupid mind was, how nice it was to have a father. Now that I think of it, I was experiencing a desire for sex for the first time in my life and just didn't recognize it for what it was. And I guess I was guilty of putting ideas in his head. I'm not so sure, though, that the ideas weren't there to begin with. I know I acted foolishly, but I'm not going to put all the blame on myself. If I had a desire for him without realizing it, he had a desire for me, too, and he must have known it because he was a grown-up man. Maybe I did tease him, but he was the one who held me down on the bed and stuck his cock in my mouth, then did all the other things that happened later.
"That first time when he made me suck his cock,, all I did was come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me. As I passed the door to the bedroom where he was watching TV, I looked inside and waved to him. That was all. Honest. I just did it to be friendly.
"What I didn't think of was the way the towel was draped really revealed my figure and let most of my legs show. Sure, I knew I could look sexy; often I'd stood in front of the mirror and admired myself. But I didn't think my own stepfather would find me sexy. I thought he loved me like a daughter.
"My whole life was wrecked in those next few minutes. He jumped up off the bed and ran into the hall, where he grabbed me.
"'You teasing bitch,' he said.
"At first I thought he was just being playful, the way he usually was. But there was a tone in his voice that had never been there before. I was scared, though I didn't know what it was I was scared of.
"'You've been asking for it. Well, I'll give you something you never asked for and see how you like it.'
"I had no idea what he was talking about until he had me down on the bed and was pointing his cock into my mouth. I didn't know there was a kind of sex like that. I knew about intercourse, but that was all.
"The sight of his cock was quite a shock, too, but to tell the truth it didn't repel me. It sort of overwhelmed me, though, being so big and so powerful looking.
"When he finally got my mouth open, he shoved his cock in, way in. At this point I was utterly horrified. I couldn't speak, of course, and the screams I tried to let out became nothing but little gurgles in my throat. I kept thinking, God, save me! God, save me from this!
"Much to my surprise, it didn't make me throw up or even gag. I lay there, with tears running down my cheeks now, as he began plunging it in and out. This I knew to be the motion of sex, only I'd never dreamed it could be done this way. In fact, for all I knew, Hank was subjecting me to something that had never been done before.
"I won't say that I enjoyed it, that first time, but as Hank continued to pump his cock in and out of my mouth, I stopped thinking of him as my stepfather. I sort of pretended he was someone else, someone I didn't really know. You see, it was so horrible to think of my stepfather doing this to me, I had to push that thought out of my mind.
"Yet I hated him at the same time. Hated him for making me do this awful thing. Really, I felt nothing like sexual excitement. This was so peculiar. After all, I'd always thought one uses one's genitals for sex and one's mouth for eating. Also the gruesome thought occurred to me that this is where he urinates and I might get some awful infection or something.
"I endured it somehow. He positioned my lips around my teeth to make them more like a cunt, I suppose, and he told me not to bite. It's funny, but the thought hadn't occurred to me. I could have bit him or punched him in the balls and really done him in. But I didn't. I suppose that's funny, but I was too stunned to fight back in any of the obvious ways.
"It went on and on. My jaws seemed to be paralyzed from keeping my mouth open so long. Now and then I caught a glimpse of his face and I could tell that he was really enjoying it. And I'll confess I liked the idea that he was getting kicks out of it, I guess because, deep down inside, it made me feel like a real woman for the very first time in my life. Of course, I wasn't quite ready to admit that just then, but later it dawned on me. Even though I wasn't aroused myself, I was pleased with myself for having aroused a man and being able to give him enjoyment in a sexual way.
"Finally he got my head into motion. Really, I didn't want to do this, but he wanted me to and so I did. He put his hand under my head and started moving it up and down.
"'Suck, baby, suck,' he commanded.
"It wasn't hard to figure out what he meant by that and so I was sucking, gripping his cock in my mouth and pulling it in, further and further. Not that I wanted to, really. But some-how, I couldn't help doing what he said. It's really weird how these things can happen when you don't want them to and yet they happen. Every time I read in the newspaper about somebody being raped, I know what really went on. You don't want to do it and yet you can't help yourself.
"It entered my mind that I was really lucky that he hadn't tried to fuck me because that could have made me pregnant, while this peculiar act was at least safe. So I sucked and sucked, now and then wondering What the end would be like and wondering when it would be.
"I guessed that the end was not faraway when he started to shove it into me faster and faster and my head couldn't keep up with the motions. I just lay there and, after a little while, began to hold my breath. When I looked up at him, I saw that his eyes were closed.
"Then it happened. He plunged the damn thing so far into my throat I almost did gag and kept on with swift little strokes. My mouth was rapidly filling with a funny, fishy, salty-tasting stuff and I knew what it was, only I'd expected it to be more of a liquid, not so thick. I could feel his cock convulsing as it spurted out.
"Now I was sure I was going to choke. He kept his cock in my mouth, so I couldn't swallow the way I normally do. And my mouth was about as full as it could get. I was dying to spit it out, but I couldn't do that either.
"Finally he pulled his cock out. 'Swallow,' he said. 'It won't hurt you.'
"I did and I was surprised that it sort of tasted good as I did so. It's odd, but I was no longer so disgusted about the whole thing. I'd made him come and I felt proud of myself for that.
"Hank lay back on the bed, exhausted and tired from it all.
"Tami,' he said, now in a soft voice, "you must never tell your mother about this, or anyone else. Do you understand?'
"I was silent for a moment, for I suddenly realized that it would kill my mother if she knew. And I was beginning to realize, too, that anybody who found out would realize that it was just as much my fault or almost as much my fault, at least.
"'I won't tell,' I promised solemnly.
"That's all I said. Then I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and used Listerine. A few minutes later I was on my bed, sobbing like crazy. Oh, why did it have to happen? Why didn't I realize what I was doing all this time?
"At dinner that night Hank was joking and happy, just like he always is, while I was kind of quiet. My mother asked me later if anything was wrong, but I told her no, that I was just feeling moody. She seemed to accept that.
"Oddly enough, Hank and Mom went to bed early that night, very early. When they do that, I always know they're having sex. But tonight it made me feel very strange. Not jealous, but more sorrowful because my mother loved this man and didn't know how awful he really was.
"At about this time my mother got the big idea that I should start calling Hank 'Daddy.' She even told me that she thought it would make him feel appreciated and all that. I actually tried it once or twice, at the table or when we were all together in the living room, but I soon lapsed back into calling him 'Hank.' I got a creepy feeling every time I called him 'Daddy.' I couldn't help remembering that he'd done something no Daddy should do.
"From then on I made arrangements to be away from the house most of the time when my mother was working and Hank wasn't. It was summer and I was home from school on vacation and Mom worked a regular day, but Hank worked kind of off and on. I'd go visit my girl friends, or sometimes I'd go to the public library, which is a big drag, or I'd just go out and wander around stores looking at things and pretending I really wanted to buy something.
"One day, though, I got back from downtown and found Hank at home when I hadn't expected him to be there. I tried to think of some excuse to get out of the house again, but nothing popped into my mind. Also, since I hadn't seen him alone since the terrible thing happened, I was hoping we'd make up and be friends again. I was far too unhappy with things the way they were.
"He took me aside in the living room, beckoning me to sit down on the couch with him, and I hoped for the best. And he was so smooth, so cool. Now that I think of it, I'll bet he practiced every line in his mind. But I was unsuspecting, still ready to expect him to be decent. Why, I don't know. By now I should have been wiser.
"`Honey,' he began so calmly, so sweetly, 'I know you were upset about what happened. You must understand, a man has certain drives....'
"'I'm willing to forget about it if you are,' I offered.
"'I lost my head. I just couldn't help myself. You were so beautiful, so desirable. I didn't intend it to happen. I just got carried away.'
"Then can everything be the same as before? We'll just pretend it never happened,' I said.
"'Oh, God,' he moaned, 'if it Only could be the same as before. But it can't. Don't you know that? It can't.'
"'What do you mean?' I asked him.
"Tami, it's you I love. It's you who turns me on. When I make love to your mother, it's you I'm thinking of.'
"That made me feel terrible and confused, all at once, and I got up and started walking away. He grabbed me, though, and brought me back to the couch.
"Tami,' he said softly, 'sometimes strange things happen to people. Sometimes they love other people they shouldn't, but they can't help it.'
"By now he'd started running his hands softly over my shoulders and my arms. Was it that which brought the blush of excitement over me or was it the magic word love? I don't know what happened inside me, but I was being convinced by him that sometimes strange things happen to people and they can't help it.
"'Our love is not going to be easy,' he went on. 'For your mother's sake, we must both live a lie. And we both love her, too, so we mustn't hurt her. But we can't help ourselves.'
"I didn't protest. Suddenly his mouth was on mine, twisting against my lips, prying them open. That kiss was the end of me as an intelligent, sane person. I began to shake and tremble with desire. This man wanted me, loved me. And my body couldn't help but respond. I knew that it was all wrong, terribly wrong, but I couldn't help myself.
"He pulled me tight against him and our bodies were writhing together in a slow sensuous rhythm that was a preview of what was to come, or so I thought. It kept going through my mind that soon I wouldn't be a virgin anymore. I'd be a complete, fulfilled woman and I liked the idea of that.
"I kissed him back, pressing my lips against his and twisting them passionately, finally opening my mouth so that our two tongues could rub against each other. When we separated we were both panting, but I think I was panting even harder than he was.
"Never before in my life had I felt this way, so helpless and uncontrollable, completely at the mercy of lust. Somehow the fact that it was forbidden made my desire even stronger. I knew that I was committing a sin that was doubly wrong and there was no way I could help myself. The thinking part of my mind had been overcome by the urges of my body. I'd never realized that those urges could be so strong.
"I was on fire all over. Everyplace he touched me-my back, my arms, and finally my breasts-I couldn't help but respond. I was sensitive everywhere, it seemed.
"What he did was nothing like before. He was very gentle; his touches were soft. He drew circles around one of my breasts with his hand, then cupped as much of it in his hand as he could. I was proud of how big my breasts were and pleased that he liked them. Soon he unbuttoned my blouse and dug inside my bra. His touch against the bare flesh was the most fantastic thing that had happened yet, though I knew there was to be more.
"At last he undressed me completely, then held me in front of him to admire my nude body, which is every bit as shapely as a grown woman's.
"'You're not really a child,' he muttered. 'God, what a turn-on you are.'
"Then he pulled me to him and took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked it like a baby. I wiggled and squirmed as he did this, finally reaching out and stroking his neck just below the hairline. How handsome he was, my forbidden lover, and how strong and everything else, everything a girl could wish for in a man. If only he weren't....
But I pushed the depressing thought out of my mind.
"I was on the couch, my knees between his legs as he played with my breasts. Then, burying his head between the two of them, he reached down to my thighs and began to caress them in the most sensuous way possible. His hands ran over them very gently, and every now and then drifted toward the inside part or reached upward. I was dying for him to get to my cunt, but he was in no hurry.
"Finally I changed position so that my legs were apart. Still he kept teasing me, reaching for it with his hands then pulling away. But finally, he just grabbed it, that is, he put his whole hand over my pussy and began to rub it.
"'That's what you want, isn't it, Tami? That's what you want me to do,' he said in a low voice.
"I didn't answer. I just began moving my cunt against his hand. Soon he took his fingers and opened the lips, finally touching the wet, sensitive parts inside. I didn't know as yet where I was most sensitive; the whole thing was burning hot.
"'So tiny ... so nice,' he muttered.
"I supposed it was tiny, since it had never been used or even played with. I sensed that he was more turned on by the idea that I was just a little girl than by the fact that I looked like a much older girl. That seemed kind of peculiar, but I didn't stop to think about it. Not then, anyway.
"He seemed awfully curious to know what my pussy was like and when he'd spread it open, he bent his head down so that he could look it over. He drew the lips back as far as he could to see everything. Then he took one finger and searched for the hole, which wasn't too hard to find. Still looking at me and grinning with the excitement of it all, he pushed that finger into me. I was surprised at how easily it slipped inside. The way it felt, though, was incredible. God, how I wanted to get fucked. I thought of his cock and wondered what it would feel like in me.
"He lay me down on the couch and I thought, Now, now it's really going to happen. But instead he kept caressing my cunt with his fingers, teasing me again. He'd reach for my clitoris, then draw his hand away. He ran his fingers all around, carefully avoiding my clitoris and my hole and my ass, driving me utterly wild. I squirmed and moaned.
"Then he did a weird thing. He put one of his fingers in his mouth to get it wet, then stuck it up my ass. I had no idea people do such things, but God, it felt terrific, almost the same as when his finger was in my cunt. He began to move it in and out in a sort of fucking motion, and I loved it. What he did next made me feel even better. He took the other hand, and with his fingertips flicked the end of my clitoris. I knew that it was bulging and erect. I'd never known, though, how awfully sensitive it could be. I almost begged him to stop when he took two fingers and grasped my clit between them and started a rotating kind of motion.
"I couldn't believe it, how these weird things got me so trembly and hot. He kept pumping his finger in my ass and massaging my clitoris, making it reach out in all directions. He even pretended as though he was going to make it go into my vagina, but of course it wouldn't stretch that far. When is he ever going to fuck me? I wondered.
"All at once, he brought his face down and rested it on my stomach and increased the rhythm of the things he was doing with his hands. About now I stopped thinking about fucking, stopped thinking of everything, in fact. An instant later, still churning away with his hands, he brought his tongue into contact with my clit.
"I guess that's what did it. All of a sudden I was throbbing as I'd never believed possible. There seemed to be an enormous heartbeat in my pussy, a fantastic pounding. And with it I could feel every inch of my pussy twitching and convulsing, doing all sorts of strange things by itself. As this was going on, he took a finger or two and shoved them into my cunt, moving them in and out as I kept trying to pull them into me deeper and deeper.
"Well, I hadn't been fucked, but I had come, all right. Now that I think of it, it was probably all part of a carefully thought-out scheme of his. If he'd fucked me, I might not have had an orgasm, since a lot of girls don't the first time. He did everything possible to make sure that I'd come, and now that he'd accomplished it, I was in his power. Of course, I wasn't aware of all that at the time.
"I lay there, exhausted and panting, mystified at what it had been like, and a little sorry that I hadn't got fucked after all. He grinned down at me.
"'You liked it, didn't you? You loved it. I knew you would. We're going to have a great time, you and me.' "
It is difficult to believe, in considering Tami's own presentation of the facts, that she was indeed so innocent as she claimed to have been. Yet it is altogether possible that she did not stop to think about what the outcome of her actions might be. She somehow thought that she could get away with behavior that was, on the surface, at least, just playful.
What neither Tami nor her mother knew was that Hank happened to be one of those men who have more than a normal desire for young girls. It was never ascertained whether or not he might have married Tami's mother while harboring intentions toward Tami all along. Such cases are frequent, of course. But so too are cases where the man is first attracted to the mother, but later begins to see the daughter as a sexual object-a pristine replica of his more mature sex partner.
Of more interest here, though, is the case of Tami herself and the factors in her background which presage what happened. That is not to say that Tami was more responsible than Hank for what occurred. Their involvement could best be considered as the result of various intervening circumstances. Yet Tami, had her personality and her self-concept been different, might have been able to alter those circumstances and thus prevent this series of experiences.
It is obvious that Tami led quite a sheltered life as the daughter of an overprotective, highly nurturing mother. As Coopersmith and other researchers have found, the overprotective parent figure often prevents the child from developing self-confidence and self-esteem. Tami, though quick to call attention to the size of her breasts or her athletic strength and abilities, demonstrated an overall lack of confidence.
This factor, combined with her premature physical development, made her ripe for attention of a sexual nature. Her seeming innocence about sex is actually a protective coloring given to urges which, though she did not totally understand them, she endeavored to repress and pretend to be nonexistent.
Throughout Tami's account of these sexual adventures, there is an ambivalence toward what is happening. In a way, she is enjoying it and in a way, she isn't. And she constantly "pretends" that things are somehow different from the way they really are. By filtering her experiences through her defense mechanisms of fantasy, she encouraged this unwholesome relationship to continue and became romantically involved with a man who was to lead her to severe trauma. Had Tami been more assertive of her role as "daughter" in relation to Hank, all this might never have occurred. Also, had Tami's mother been a more aware and astute observer of human behavior, she might have recognized the subtle indications of what was happening. As luck would have it, though, nothing occurred to prevent the sequence of events which was to follow.
"That day after I came for the first time, I began to change. I started to trust Hank more and more. And I went out of my way to deceive my mother. Even the very evening after it happened, I came down to dinner all full of smiles and ready to laugh at Hank's jokes. I had to act as though everything was perfectly normal.
"And I started to convince myself that somehow, in some strange way, it wasn't really wrong. I told myself that we loved each other and so it had to be this way. All along, though, I felt like the heroine of a very sad love story.
"I couldn't wait to be alone with Hank again. I felt as though I'd been cheated out of something because he hadn't really fucked me yet. I was dying for it and I could tell by little glances that he gave me now and then that he was waiting for the opportunity.
"I hoped, of course, that he'd take precautions. This fear was on my mind for the next few days. It would really be awful if I got pregnant.
"At last we had our chance. My mother was at work and Hank was having a day off. I woke up early in the morning, but didn't come downstairs because I didn't want to see my mother. Seeing her would have made me all mixed up inside, for I just knew that today was the day it was going to happen.
"Hank slept in. I peeked into the bedroom several times during the morning and he was fast asleep. It made me a little mad that he hadn't woken up the way I did, all hot and ready for it. I went back to my room and played with myself a little. I realized that I could even make myself come by touching all the right places the way Hank did, but I wanted to save it.
"After putting my hand inside my panties for about the third time. I couldn't stand it any longer. I went into the bedroom and bent over Hank, who was still fast asleep. Then I took off all my clothes and crawled under the covers with him.
"I reached out to him and began to snuggle up next to him with my arms around him. He groaned, but he still didn't wake up. So I became very daring. I took my hand and touched his cock inside his pajamas. It was hard! He must have been dreaming about me, I thought.
"I began stroking his cock gently. He purred as though he liked it, but kept on sleeping for a few moments longer. Finally he opened his eyes and saw me there on the pillow next to him. He didn't even seem surprised. He just smiled.
"'Keep going, Tami,' he said, "keep going.'
"I did for a little while, and then I said, 'What about something for me?'
"He stretched out his hands, and for the first time, I think, he realized I was completely naked.
"'You gorgeous little creature,' he said. 'I think you're ready to get fucked. How about it?'
"I was a little surprised at his being so blunt about it and not saying anything about love, so I hesitated in answering.
"He went on, 'What you really need is a big old cock in your pussy. You'd love it. I know you would.'
"His being so frank made me a little shy. But I didn't want to discourage him. 'I want you to make love to me,' I said.
"'That's just what I'll do, Tami,' he told me.
"Suddenly his hands were roaming all over my bare body, wandering from my breasts to my thighs and finally to my pussy. When he reached his hand into the tender spot between my legs, he noticed at once that I was all wet and ready for it. He chuckled as he caressed my pussy, opening the lips and reaching his fingers inside.
"'You want it, all right. I knew you did.'
"Then he stuck one finger up inside me the way he'd done before. I could hardly wait to have his cock there, but one thing worried me, though. I had to ask him about rubbers or foam or something.
"There's something I'm scared of,' I said, 'and that's getting pregnant. I'm old enough to, you know.'
"'Ah, don't worry your head about a silly thing like that,' he said.
"'But, do you have something? Really, I've got to be careful.' I was earnest.
"'Well, now, let me see.'
"He let go of me and reluctantly got up from the bed to search through a dresser drawer. Finally he took out a cigar box, opened it, and withdrew something wrapped in a handkerchief. It was a secret hiding place, I guessed. He held up a little red and white package.
"The real thing,' he said. "Three of them.'
"As he walked back to the bed, I noticed that his cock was standing straight out, perfectly parallel to the floor. He unbuttoned his pajama pants and let them fall down, then came over to me.
"'Enjoy it a little bit before I cover it up,' he said, pointing his cock at my mouth.
"I took it in my mouth, willingly this time, and sucked it the way he'd taught me how. What a shame it was to cover it up with something artificial, I thought, but, of course, it was necessary.
"There was something a little gruesome about the way he sat down on the bed and proceeded to put on that surgical-looking object. It was like a little circle, but it rolled on, little by little, stretching to fit his gigantic cock and leaving it all white and funny looking.
"'You'd like it better without this,' he murmured. 'Next time, honey, we'll figure out something better.'
"Then he pulled open the drawer to the bed-side table and took out a huge jar of Vaseline. I was wondering what it was for when he began smearing it over the surface of the contraceptive.
"That'll make it easier,' he said.
"I was still turned on, still hot for him, but all these complications reminded me of the things that go on in doctors' offices. It was all so technical and unromantic.
"But all that changed an instant later. He took me in his arms and brought his lips down on mine, hard and firm. I kissed him back with everything I had and pressed my body against him. Soon his hands were caressing my hot, wet pussy again and I could hardly wait to get on with it. I was about to become a woman, I thought to myself.
"Without any prompting, I lay down on the bed and opened my legs wide, baring my pussy for him. He grabbed my knees and brought them upward toward my chest, so that both my cunt and my ass were pointing up in the air.
"Then he was over me, his handsome face just above mine, his cock just inches away from my open cunt. Our eyes met. I expected an expression of tenderness, but instead he had a wild look about him that reminded me of that first time. I figured it must be that men just looked that way when they were excited, so I wasn't afraid or put off by it. No, I didn't know then what he was really like.
"He lowered himself on me, careful to let his weight rest on his elbow on one side, while with the other hand he reached down to guide his prick into me.
"It didn't go in too easily, even with all the Vaseline and my natural juices. For a few seconds he tried to ease it in, then he gave a jerk and plunged it the rest of the way. That hurt a little, but not enough to bother me. I wanted to fuck so badly.
"I loved the way that big cock made me feel so full. All my insides were being compressed. I knew that my cunt was stretching to fit around it, too. I'd never be quite the same again. From then on, I wasn't a virgin.
"He began an up-and-down motion that seemed a little rough, not soft and sensual as some of our other lovemaking had been. It seemed a little strange at first, but little by little, it got to me. My whole pussy began to warm up as the motion of his cock sent sensations out in all directions. And I began to respond with a motion of my own, raising myself up to meet his strokes.
"I was getting fucked and I was enormously happy about it. I let myself forget who he was and all the things that were wrong with our being together like this. I was just a hot and hungry female body.
"'Oh, God, Hank, it's good,' I sighed.
"'Yeah, Tami, yeah. Everything Hank does to you is good.'
"And I believed him as my body reacted to his, getting hotter and hotter. I was completely in his power by now. I was no longer myself. I see how some people can believe in devils and demons; it's really possible to lose hold of yourself and do incredible things....
"God, how I loved it, the strong, forceful thrusts of his cock piercing me and filling me. It was what I'd wanted and needed for a long time without ever realizing it. And with every stroke, I was flying higher, soaring way above anything I had ever known before.
"All this time I was learning how to use my cunt, too, how to pull with it and suck his cock deep inside me. He didn't have to tell me what to do; I just knew how. I also knew that by grinding against him as our bodies met, I could stimulate my clit.
"We were fucking frantically. How Hank lasted so long, I don't know, but I guess he really wanted it to be good for me. He didn't dare let me down when I'd been so hot for him.
"Our bodies met and separated, again and again, the sweat from both of us lying in little pools all over my body. My cunt kept grabbing and clutching at him more intensely all the time. I was getting somewhere, that much I knew, although I wasn't at all sure just how far I had to go to the finish.
"Once more our eyes met and I saw that wild look, only now it seemed right. I imagined that I must look wild myself. Somehow there was no love about this thing we were doing, but for the moment, I didn't care. All I cared about was my pussy and the wonderful things that were happening to it.
"Suddenly something went through my whole body like an electrical charge. I thought I was having a fit. Yes, it was scary. I just began to twitch and heave all over. I'd come before, but it wasn't like this. This was a volcano, an earthquake. The mysterious violence spread to Hank, too, and he was grabbing me by the shoulders and fucking me so hard I thought he'd tear my insides apart. My God, I thought, so this is sex!
"It was a little like dying, too. We both lay still for a long time afterwards. I wasn't sure if I was going to recover, if I'd ever come back to my senses.
"Then Hank was softly caressing my body and telling me how lovely I was and how much he loved me. It's funny, but just then I didn't care. The important thing was that I'd actually experienced sex, the thing everybody talks about.
"No, that wasn't the only time Hank and I made it together. It happened again and again. Sometimes it was wild and violent and sometimes it was loving and gentle. Sometimes I thought I loved him, other times I just loved his cock and what it did to me. That's the truth. I never could make up my mind how I felt about the whole thing.
"Now that Hank is gone, I realize how wrong it was and how badly I behaved. But I miss him too. It'll probably be a long time before I can find a boyfriend who can do the things I need done to me. And it'll take a while for Mom and me to settle down to being alone again. Thank God, she never found out about Hank and me. That would have been too much, on top of everything else."
At some time during the interval that Tami was sexually involved with Hank, he sought out another young girl in one of the city parks and molested her sexually. Although the girl suffered no real physical injury, she was extremely frightened and told her parents, who in turn reported the case to the police. After some period of investigation, Hank was identified and arrested.
During the interrogation that followed, Tami, true to her word, never told anyone about her own relationship with Hank. Not only did she wish to protect herself, but she somehow also felt that she might have helped incite Hank to commit this subsequent crime. Even though Tami and her mother attested to Hank's innocence in the matter, Hank was positively identified by the child and was sentenced.
Tami and her mother tried to resume their old style of life. First they moved back to their old apartment, but since the case had received wide publicity in the town where they lived, they finally decided to move to a nearby city. Before moving, Tami's friends had quizzed her as to Hank's behavior with her, which, of course, was something she preferred not to think about.
Once situated in their new environment, Tami and her mother were still far from happy and content. Both had suffered from loss and deception; the mother could talk about how she felt, but Tami was forced to repress her own emotions. Finally, a friend suggested that they seek counseling through a family service agency. It was here, alone with a counselor who was committed to secrecy, that Tami at last told her story.
In verbalizing what had happened and her various and confused feelings about it, Tami began to overcome her guilt. Although it seemed important for her to see herself as the victim of a set of rather unusual circumstances, it was also important to allow her to consider that events in the external world can be influenced by one's own actions and resolutions. With the help of a firm but sympathetic counselor, Tami was able to make some progress toward maturity.
CHAPTER THREE
Twelve-Year-Old Natalie and Her Foster Father Mr. A-
"There he was, my new foster father, husky and dark with eyes that looked as though they could see through things. Beside him was his wife, and it was hard to believe they were really a couple. She was overweight, plain and dowdy, about as unappealing as a woman could be. Why on earth did such a handsome man pick a woman like that? I wondered.
"The social worker introduced us, then left us alone for a few minutes to talk. My foster father, whose name was Mr. A-, explained to me about their having lost their son in an accident and how lonely they were without him. He also said he'd heard about my mother's death and my father's disappearance afterwards. He said he hoped we'd make each other forget the past and be happy. His wife didn't say anything.
"I guess she was a little ill at ease. She'd heard the bare facts about me, but probably she hadn't been told what I look like. For twelve years old, I had a lot going for me, enough to make older boys and grown men sit up and look. I think she was jealous from the very beginning.
"And from the very beginning, my foster father turned me on. I couldn't help it. After all he wasn't my real father and he was a very good-looking man. I was sure he was pretty unhappy with that lousy-looking wife of his, too. Somehow I knew it wouldn't be hard to get something going if I wanted to.
"Finally the social worker came back into the room, they signed some papers, and we were off in their big car to where they lived. It turned out to be a house like nothing I'd ever seen before. I don't know how many rooms there were. It was the kind of place where you imagine movie stars live with a big fence out front, several acres of trees and flowers, and a huge house where servants were bustling around madly.
Mr. A-was a business executive of some sort, but that was all I knew, and I certainly hadn't expected such luxury.
"It made me like him all the more, though, to think that he was a big success and could af-ford all these things. But I figured, too, that he'd be away a lot of the time and I'd be stuck in the big house with Mrs. A-. Also, I imagined that with his dough, he probably already had a mistress or two, and wouldn't pay any attention to me. v
"I was altogether wrong. It turned out that Mr. A-worked in an office at home and that his wife was away a lot, at women's club meetings and doing volunteer work to help the poor.
"To make things difficult, though, Mr. A-'s office and his 'private rooms' were in a different wing of the house from the room I'd been given. But he was situated nearer the pool than I was.
"He asked me one day if I'd like to use the pool, and all sorts of things flashed through my mind. I told him, 'Sure, if it's all right,' and he said he'd see to it that it was in shape, since nobody had used it for a while.
"The swimming pool was put in order before Mrs. A-had a chance to take me shopping, and at that point I had very few clothes and didn't even own a bathing suit. I decided I'd just go swimming in my underwear, that is, my bra and bikini panties. I knew they'd stick to me and show off my figure to the best possible advantage when they got wet. I just hoped Mr. A-would be around to notice.
"I draped a towel over my underwear and paraded through the big house to the pool area.
Still well concealed, I passed by the window where Mr. A-was working and was surprised to see that the draperies were open. He looked up as I went by and waved to me. I had a hunch he was going to watch whatever I did.
"When I got to the pool, I threw down the towel and went down the steps. I swam a few strokes, then turned around and swam back; the pool was longer than any of the ones I'd ever been in before. Besides, I hadn't done any swimming in a long time and I was getting tired fast. I stayed in as long as I could, to make it look as though I'd really appreciated his getting the pool ready for me, then I got out.
"My bra and panties were now almost transparent. And they were wrinkled, clinging to me. My breasts are a full C-cup, with a nice bit of cleavage in between. As I got out of the pool, I kept hoping that Mr. A-was watching, also that no one else from the house was. Mrs. A-, of course, was away.
"I dried off with the towel, then lay down on it beside one of the peculiar-looking statues. An instant later, I looked up and saw that Mr. A-was bending over me. For an instant I was afraid he was going to mention something about my not having a bathing suit, but I needn't have worried.
"'It's a little chilly out here, even with the sun,' he said. 'Why don't you come into my office and we'll light a fire in the fireplace.'
"I bounded up. 'That sounds great,' I said.
"His office was a fantastic room, so masculine looking, with dark-paneled walls and leather chairs, everything brown and black. I liked it instantly because most of the house is white and gold and delicate looking. There was something really cozy about this room.
"To my surprise, instead of calling in one of the servants, he built the fire himself. When it was flickering brightly, he turned to me.
"'Why don't you get out of your wet things. I'll get you a robe. It's one of mine, but it's nice and warm."
"I was really kind of bewildered. Everything could have been meant just to be kind and friendly, or it could have meant that he was on the verge of seducing me. Or letting me seduce him. I decided that he probably wasn't sure himself. He was really such a nice man. I knew he wouldn't force me to do anything against my will. But I had a feeling that he was attracted to me, too, and would be overjoyed if I let him know I felt the same way.
"As he went to the closet for the robe, I stripped off my wet underwear. I watched him as he came toward me, and I knew that he was admiring my naked body.
"'I don't really need the robe,' I said.
"'Yes, the fire is getting quite warm, isn't it?'
"If only he weren't so formal! I knew I'd have to start things, but I wasn't sure how. I'd played around with boys a little bit, but they were always the ones who got things going. I'd never gone the whole way, though, mainly because the boys I was with didn't seem to want to for some reason or other.
"'Mr. A-,' I began, 'I don't really think of you as a father. I hope you don't mind. I think of you more as a friend.'
"That's perfectly all right, Natalie. I'd like to be your friend.'
"I could see I wasn't getting anywhere very fast. 'What if I said, I'd like to be your girl friend?' I ventured.
"'I'd be very flattered, indeed,' he said, still as formal as could be.
"'I'm old enough, really I am,' I said confidently.
"'Do you know what you're saying?' He looked at me quizzically.
"'I know. Even though I'm still a virgin, I know what I want.' It took a bit of nerve to say that, but I managed to get it out.
"'Natalie, you're a beautiful girl, almost a woman. I've thought you were beautiful ever since I first saw you. And I'm a very lonely man. I won't bother to tell you about the kind of marriage we have, but it's far from ideal. For a long time, I've dreamed of a beautiful girl coming into my life, and here you are....'
"Completely dry now and completely naked, I slowly approached him and let him take me in his arms. I knew that he wasn't sure yet about what he should do. He was really pretty square, but I knew, too, that he needed me. I looked up at his face.
"'I hope I can make you happy,' I said.
"'And I hope that I never make you unhappy,' he responded.
"I thought there was something awfully sweet in his saying that. It made it seem almost like a real love affair, which is what I really wanted, but I knew it was something quite different. He liked me, but it would be too much to expect him to love me. So few people have ever loved me. I have to put up with what I can get, I guess.
"He held me for a long time, caressing my back and shoulders. At last I raised my face toward his and he brought his lips down upon mine. It was a soft and beautiful kiss. His mouth moved slowly over mine, finally opening it. His tongue explored the inside of my lips and then prodded deep into my mouth.
"This all stirred in me a quivering kind of response. It was so tender, so gentle, so carefully designed to arouse desires that had been hidden in me until now. I could feel that kiss clear down to my pussy, I swear. All I knew was that I wanted more of whatever it was he wanted to give me.
"He led me to the big leather couch and stretched me out on it. I knew from the way he looked at me that my naked body was a delightful sight to him. I also knew that he was full of hesitation, but that it was too late to turn back. Something was bound to happen now.
"'I'm really too old to be your lover,' he said, almost shyly.
"I realized then that he was a little scared about getting undressed in front of me, afraid that his body might not appeal to me.
"'But I'm crazy about you,' I told him. 'All my favorite movie stars are about your age. And you're like one of them, only I don't know which one.'
"I know how babyish that must have sounded, but I didn't dare let him know how really aware I was. And at that moment, I felt as though I knew all that was going on in his mind. I understood this man a lot better than he understood me.
"Anyway I got up from the couch and started helping him out of his exquisite sport clothes. He really needed me to sort of take over, you see. The poor guy was really all mixed up inside, yet he wanted me, and I was going to make sure that he'd have me.
"He was beautifully built, really, with broad shoulders, heavy arms, and dark hair on his chest that matched the hair on his head. His prick, when I saw it, startled me a little, for I'd never really seen one in a state of erection before. My father used to go around the house nude, but never with a hard on. And there's a big difference. I suppose every girl goes through this once; after trying to imagine what such a thing could be like, she is suddenly confronted with a real one, big and powerful looking.
"Before he had any chance to continue with seducing me, I just grabbed that prick and began to play with it. I knew enough to be gentle and to avoid the very tip, but I wasn't quite sure what I should be doing. I just explored it and stroked it admiringly. I'm sure he was surprised that I had so much nerve, but he was happy about it, too.
"Soon he took my breasts in his hands, kneading them and squeezing them. I loved the way it felt, and I also enjoyed looking at his hands on my lovely breasts, his big, hairy hands on my soft, white skin. It was so animal-like and yet so gentle.
"Instants later we were both on the couch, me somewhat under him, although he rested on his side instead of climbing on top of me. He was so big, I guess he didn't want to put all of his weight on me.
"I curled one of my legs over his so he could get to my pussy. Slowly his hand crept up my thigh and finally landed on the mound of soft hair. He ran his fingers along the outside for several moments, then opened the lips to where I was all tender and wet.
"I nearly screamed when he touched me there.
Up until now, nothing had ever excited me so much. I was trembling all over as his hand began to travel over the soft, sensitive surfaces.
"'I want it,' I murmured. 'You can tell, can't you? I want it.'
"This is more than I ever dreamed possible,' he said and went right on stroking my pussy.
"I squirmed and wriggled to let him know I was ready, but he seemed in no hurry to proceed. Finally he reached one of his fingers up inside me. I tightened my grip on it with my pussy.
"'I want something bigger,' I said.
"At last he put his cock between the parted lips of my cunt and began to move it around, over my clitoris, around the opening, and downward toward my ass. There was the slick sound of my wetness as he did this. And what I felt is almost impossible to describe. I thought I knew my pussy fairly well from my own explorations, but I'd had no idea how many places it is sensitive. And the touch of someone else, someone wonderful and attractive, is so very different.
"I was really ready for it, and I guess he knew that, for he pointed the tip of his prick toward the opening. It took a little while to get it in. He was so careful not to hurt me. I'm sure there was no hymen there, but my pussy was awfully small that first time.
"Finally it was inside, filling me, stretching me. I looked at him and I could hardly believe that this thing was really happening, that this handsome, rich, successful man was making love to me. His prick was still for several seconds; I guess he wanted to give me a chance to get used to it. Then he began a slow, sensual movement in and out. My cunt was so wet that this proved very easy. Soon I was moving with him. He reached one hand around to my rear to help me move, pulling me to him again and again.
"'It's fantastic,' I whispered. I meant it, too. I'd experienced none of the disappointment that I've read about and heard other girls talk about. From the very beginning, I thought that sex was wonderful.
"As he fucked me, he planted little kisses on my cheeks, my forehead, and even on my nose. I played with his ears and ran my fingers deep into his wavy hair. He was a really gorgeous man. I hoped I wouldn't fall in love with him and spoil things.
"Almost without warning his thrusts speeded up and became more forceful. That I loved, and I' was really beginning to get somewhere, or at least I think I was.
"'My God, it's been such a long time,' he groaned.
"He was plunging his cock deeper and deeper into me and I responded with a more intense movement of my hips. But just seconds later, with one last violent thrust, I knew it was over.
He clasped me to him and moaned. Inside my pussy I could feel the throbbing of his cock. It was only later, when he pulled it out, that I was aware of the sticky liquid he'd left inside.
"'I'm so sorry,' he was saying in a faint voice. 'I wanted it to be better for you.'
"I kissed him softly at the side of the mouth and smiled down at him. His eyes were only half open.
"'Don't feel bad,' I said. 'Nobody comes the first time, do they? I loved it. I loved every minute of it.'
"'You dear little thing,' he said. 'I wish I could give you more right now, but I just can't.'
"There's always later,' I said. 'We aren't going to just stop, are We, forever?'
"'I guess we've started something, haven't we?' he said.
"'Haven't we?' I said with a little laugh.
"Well, that was my seduction of Mr. A-, or his seduction of me, whichever way you want to put it. I wasn't in the least disappointed that I hadn't come, though I felt kind of strange for a while afterwards. I was shaky, especially in the legs.
"Later, when I was back in my room, I lay down on the bed and recreated the whole scene in my imagination. I took my hand and let it travel gently over my pussy the way he had done with his. I inserted a finger and found it wasn't enough, so I tried two.
"I pictured him being right there with me and masturbated like crazy, rubbing my clit with one hand and finger-fucking myself with the other. For a while I was afraid it wasn't going to work, because it was far less exciting than having a real man making love to me.
"To make it better, I let my imagination go wild. I pretended there were ten guys -lined up and one was fucking me while the others watched and waited their turn. The idea really turned me on. Instead of thinking about Mr. A-, I was just thinking of wild sex.
"At last my pussy tightened around my fingers and the pulsations' started. My ass jerked up and down and my fingers worked like mad until I'd come all I could. I kept my hands close to my pussy for a long time, feeling the throbbing gradually decrease. Then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until the maid called me for dinner.
"We had dinner in the big, formal dining room, which is a very spooky place. For some reason only our end of the table is lighted and the rest of the room is all dark. And as usual, dinner was a very quiet, polite affair, with Mrs.
A-telling Mr. A-about her good works and her social climbing and the rest of it.
"That night I was particularly proud of myself, though. I had a big secret with Mr. A-and his homely little wife would never in the world suspect how she had been cheated. I could feel superior to this rich bitch who made a pretence of being a mother to me.
"For the next few days, much to my distress, Mr. A-was away from the house during the times his wife was away. He may have had business deals or something important to attend to, but I suspected he was feeling pangs of guilt over what had happened and was purposely trying to avoid me.
"One evening, though, Mrs. A-went out to take care of some sick people quite unexpectedly, and he and I were left by ourselves. I followed him into the den and pretended to watch the news on TV with him until I was sure all the servants were out of earshot. Then I crossed the room and perched myself seductively on the edge of his chair, my bare legs dangling in front of him.
"'Here's our chance,' I whispered in his ear.
"He turned to me, his expression very stern and serious. 'Natalie, I've been thinking about this. I can't be doing you any good...."
"'Don't be silly,' I said coyly. 'You know I'm not a child. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. Sooner or later, it was bound to happen. Would you rather I had an affair with one of the servants?'
"I thought that would get him, make him jealous.
"He didn't say anything, just put his big, hairy arms around me and nuzzled his head against my breasts.
"'I'll take good care of you, better than anyone else could. I promise you.'
"Soon we were on our way to his office, which we figured would be the safest place. In a house full of servants you have to be careful, but nobody disturbs, him in his office when he's working or pretending to be.
"He lit a fire in the fireplace just like before. And I started to take off my clothes.
"'You're sure you have no regrets, little one? You weren't upset after last time?' he asked me softly.
"'I was dying for more,' I told him.
"'I sort of left you hanging, I'm afraid,' he said. 'I'm sorry about that.'
"All my clothes were lying in a heap on the floor. Completely nude now, I tiptoed up to-him and reached up to kiss him.
"Feverishly he took me in his arms and clamped his hungry mouth down on mine. He can't resist me, I thought. I snuggled and squirmed against him, all the while twisting my lips vigorously against his. By the time our tongues were entwined, I could feel the hardness of his cock against my belly. His hands wandered tenderly over my soft, bare skin.
"I sure was hot for it. My nipples tingled and my pussy was getting wetter by the minute. Pressing my body closer to him, I parted my legs a little so I could feel his thigh against my cunt. Then I realized I'd probably get my juices all over his pants, so I pulled back.
"That kiss left me panting and a little weak. The next job, though, was to get his clothes off as fast as possible. I started unbuttoning his shirt, and an instant later he went to work to help me, taking care of the more difficult details like the belt buckle and the buttons at the waist of his pants. I helped him get his shoes off, then took care of the socks, just like an obedient little slave. And for him, I wouldn't have minded being a slave.
"At last he was just the way I wanted him-naked, with his prick pointing straight out. Then he picked me up so that my head was level with his. At once I clasped my legs around his waist. My cunt was just over his prick. He was so strong; it took practically no effort at all for him to support all my weight this way.
"I wiggled my ass and tried to reach for his prick with my cunt, but I couldn't quite make it.
"Once again he kissed me, with even more passion than before, breathing hard into my mouth. We were both sweating by now, too.
"Finally, still holding me in his arms with my legs around his waist, he transported me to the couch and stretched me out. Expecting him to mount me, I spread my legs wide apart.
"Instead, he did something else that was out of this world. He put his head between my legs and started licking at my pussy with his tongue.
It was utterly wild. He seemed to know where all the sensitive parts were and just what to do to them.
"I lay there, grinding-my hips slowly, not even caring if he fucked me or not. This was so terrific. I knew there was some big word for it, but I couldn't remember what it was and I didn't care. All I knew was that I loved it and the crazy things it did to me.
"He kept going back and forth between my clit and my hole, sometimes trying to put his tongue into me, which didn't really work, but it felt wonderful anyway. His saliva was mixing with my juices so that I was incredibly wet and could feel the liquid dripping down to my ass. My whole cunt was charged, ready for anything he might want to do to it.
"Finally, and with great reluctance, I think, he pulled his mouth away and looked at me for a moment.
"'Do you want me to go on?' he asked.
"'Anything you want,' I told him, not caring what happened as long as it had to do with my pussy.
"He sat up on his knees and showed me his cock, all swollen and hard as ever. " 'Yes,' I said, yea.'
"'Do you want it inside of you?' he asked me. " 'Yes,' I said again.
"'I'd be heavy on top of you. Would you mind being on top?'
"I shrugged. 'Why not?' I was game for anything.
"I got up and let him lie down on the couch with his cock pointing up toward the ceiling.
"'First you sit on me,' he instructed. 'Or just get over me in a kind of sitting position.'
"I wasn't quite sure how it was going to work, but I did as he said, crouching over him, my knees bent, my pussy touching the very end of his cock. He took one hand and used it to open my pussy wider, and with the other hand prepared to steer his cock into it.
"'Now, bear down, nice and easy. Tell me if it hurts and we'll stop a minute.'
"I pressed down with all my weight. It did hurt a little and I wasn't sure his cock was pointed in the right direction, but I wasn't about to say anything. I wanted that cock in me so badly. It took a little while and a little bit of maneuvering, but finally we were fitted together. That cock felt even bigger inside me than it had the first time.
"Underneath me, he began to rotate his hips slowly, ever so gently so that it didn't hurt me. In fact, it felt marvelous. I propped my hands against the couch and began to move, too. What little bit of pain I'd felt had all gone away now and I was really hot.
"This position was nice in a way. We could watch the expressions on each other's faces and I loved to see what I was doing to him, Also, he could fondle my breasts which felt really great. But, somehow, I wanted to be closer to him, wanted our two bodies to melt together. Hesitantly, I started to bend forward. He nodded for me to lie down against him and I did so.
"It was wonderful the way our two bodies were together now, my head at his shoulder and the hairs on his chest tickling my breasts. His cock felt different inside me too. It seemed to be jiggling and jostling around my whole insides as he moved it in and out of my cunt. I couldn't move so much now as before, but that didn't matter. This position was really something else. My clit was rubbing against the coarse, curly hair around his cock, and up against my ass I could feel his balls. Wow! I couldn't believe anything could be such a turn-on.
"We churned away like this, although really he did most of the work. My pussy grew hotter and hotter as his cock slipped and slurped in and out. I was lost to the world. If I'd thought about it, I'd have known for sure that I was going to come. But I didn't think about that or anything else. I just let it happen, and finally-when I hardly expected it at all-it did happen!
"I was suddenly struck by an enormous twinge of sensation that began in my pussy and spread through my whole body. Suddenly my ass was bobbing up and. down in a way I'd thought impossible, pumping at his cock with my pussy, which seemed to open and close all by itself.
"'Oooooooh,' I moaned and strange little sounds kept coming from my throat. I couldn't help it.
"It lasted and lasted, too. After all, I'd saved up for that orgasm for a while. And it was altogether unbelievable, nothing like the times I'd made myself come playing with myself. My whole body was doing weird things, like a person having a fit, and my cunt was pulling at his cock as though it was about to pull it off!
"My own sensations were just beginning to become a little more faint when he started plunging his cock up into me with more force than ever. I knew that he was coming, too, that I'd made him come.
"It was terribly violent, at least as fierce as what I'd gone through. He thrashed about and groaned loudly. His face was scarcely recognizable. He gripped at my shoulders as though he were holding on for his life.
"I sat up, watching him until it was over, then I collapsed on top of him, the wet liquid pouring down from my cunt and the sticky sweat seeming to glue us together. We lay like that for a long time, neither of us saying or doing anything. I felt simply wonderful. It had been a really fantastic experience.
"From then on we got together quite a lot. I didn't have to go out of my way to persuade him to have sex. He wanted it just as much as I did and was willing to admit it. And we were lucky that Mrs. A-kept finding reasons for being away from the house.
"I guess you'd call it an affair. It wasn't a love affair, though; never once did Mr. A-say anything about 'love' to me. He was always very tender and very sweet and, I think, in a strange sort of way he did care for me. Yet, for some peculiar reason, he never suggested that I call him anything but Mr. A-.
"I know how odd the whole thing sounds, but I really believe our affair did me a lot of good. It made me stop feeling bad about my parents and all, and it made me feel like a woman. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't have wanted it to be any different."
Although Natalie's case might seem strange to persons outside the spheres of social work and psychology, actually it is quite typical in a number of ways. As one noted psychologist, and member of the faculty of Wayne State University, has pointed out: "The very name 'foster daughter' has a sexual connotation to it. It's one of the unfortunate semantic offshoots of our time," Natalie's experience also fits the description of Lolitas which many experts have come to consider classic. The late Dr. Linus Foster described the situation thus: "I believe many cases of sexual relations between a very young girl and an older man are provoked by the girl."
In considering Natalie as an individual, the driving force behind her behavior was, of course, an extreme need for love and affection. Having suffered from the trauma of losing her family, she really needed, most of all, surrogate parents, which foster homes are supposed to provide. Had it been feasible to place Natalie with relatives or with a couple whom she had known previously, it might have been possible for her to have established a somewhat normal child-parent relationship. The foster home, on the other hand, where the persons involved were complete strangers to her, allowed Natalie to mold and create another, very different kind of relationship.
The type of foster home in which she was placed is significant, too. The A-s were extremely wealthy people and enjoyed a life style different from that which she had previously known. This made it easy for Natalie to have a "crush" on Mr. A-and picture him as someone like a movie star. In a more typical type of family situation, Natalie might have reacted quite differently. As it was, however, she placed Mr. A-on a pedestal, worshipped him, and subsequently seduced him, with the same guilelessness a movie fan might go about securing the autograph of a favorite star.
The personalities of the A-s also helped create the situation which made for the affair.
Mrs. A-, although supposedly devoted to helping those in need, showed little warmth or affection toward Natalie. She did not make any overtures toward being a mother to the girl possibly because of the shock of the recent death of her son. Quite possibly for the same reason, Mr. A-did not assert himself as a father. In addition, as Natalie herself found out, their marriage was not a happy one. Although Mr. A-seemed disinclined to become sexually involved with Natalie, he was definitely ripe for an affair with someone. Natalie perceived him as "square," or conservative. Significantly he had probably abstained from extramarital relations during most of his married life and lacked the initiative to become involved in an affair which might have been more appropriate for him. Yet, when Natalie presented herself to him, he did not have the strength to resist her. Of all the persons concerned here, it was probably Mr. A-who was most severely hurt by what ensued.
"Mrs. A's habits really made it convenient for us. The difficult thing, though, was avoiding the servants, who seemed to be everywhere. Most of the time we got together in Mr.
A's office, but frankly we got a little tired of that.
"For a change, we began meeting in the guest-house, which is a marvelous little cottage out by the swimming pool. It's rarely used, so the servants don't go there on their daily rounds of the property unless asked to do so. We had to be careful, leaving the house at different times and all that, but I think we managed to escape any of the servants' notice.
"There we had our choice of two bedrooms and sometimes we'd use the blue one, sometimes the yellow one. We didn't dare turn on any lights or open any windows, of course, but it was very nice, especially in the blue room with the big king-sized bed.
"It was in the blue room that Mr. A-taught me how to suck his cock. He showed me how to curl my lips around my teeth and do all sorts of little things with my tongue. Little by little, I learned how to take it way into my mouth and how to keep on going for an almost endless length of time. He didn't like to come that way, though; he'd always have me stop and then we'd fuck.
"It was in the blue room, too, that we met our fate. And we were having one of the best times we'd ever had when it happened....
"I'd come in from the swimming pool, which I'd been using quite a lot, partly so the servants could account for what I'd been doing if ever asked, and partly because it turned Mr. A-on to see me all wet and almost naked. It's surprising that he even liked me in the awful bath-ing suit Mrs. A-picked out for me. It covered practically my whole torso.
"Anyway, there I was in my bathing suit and towel. Mr. A-was already in bed waiting for me, I ran to where he was and tore back the covers. As I'd expected, he was naked.
"He pulled me to him and pressed his lips down hard against mine. I responded, not only with my mouth but with my hands, which grabbed his cock and started massaging it gently. It didn't take long for it to get hard, even though my hands were cold.
"Finally I drew myself away, breathless, and turned so that he could reach the zipper on my bathing suit. As he unzipped it, I wiggled my arms out of the wide straps and let the whole thing fall down around my waist. I stood up, cupping my breasts in my hands to show them off, then peeled the suit down.
"'You're cold,' he declared. 'Get under the covers. The electric blanket is on.'
"He was right. I was shivering, even though my cunt was hot. I crawled under the covers. Much as I wanted to, I didn't get close to him because I know how it feels to have somebody cold touch you. But pretty soon the electric blanket had made my goose bumps disappear.
"'Comfortable now, little one?' he asked me.
"In answer I started purring and crawled closer to him. He put his arms around me, then let his hands go wherever they pleased. He was always so tender, so gentle, never in any hurry.
"I was the one who finally sat up and threw back the covers, then bent over his cock. Slowly I began to pump it with my mouth, taking it way in and sucking gently. He moaned contentedly. An instant later he grabbed my ass. I knew what he wanted, so I let him swing me around so that I was over him and my cunt was on his mouth.
"I kept on sucking, but what I was most aware of was that marvelous tongue of his lapping at my hot pussy. God, was I hot! It was right before my period and that's when I enjoy sex most of all.
"We both kept up the same kind of sensual, slow rhythm for a long time. There was such a beautiful harmony about it, each of us doing something and each of us aware of the other's responses. Gradually, of course, that rhythm became more intense. Finally we were eating each other with a wild frenzy, sucking, chewing, nibbling. We could have both come in no time at all if we'd gone on this way. And if we'd have finished it off fast, well, then, a lot of other things might have been different....But one never knows what's going to happen. That's one thing I've learned.
"So just as we were both about to burst with pleasure, he rolled me over on my back and got on top of me.
"'You want it this way, don't you?' he asked.
He always wanted to make sure I was getting what I wanted.
"'Yes,' I whispered. 'I want you inside me.' I'd stopped using words like fuck' or 'cunt' or 'prick' with him and he never used them either. Our relationship was different from that, more formal, I guess.
"I wrapped my legs around him and reached for his cock with my hand to guide it where I wanted it. It slipped in ever so easily now. Deeper and deeper it went and I loved the way it felt. I even gave a little scream of delight.
"Then we were fucking, slowly at first, both of us moving together. He kept covering my face with little kisses. I clasped my arms around him tightly and soon became lost in the magic rhythm of our organs meeting and separating.
"I felt so happy, so close to him, yet at the same time I was completely abandoned in the enjoyment of sex. Faster and faster it became. The sweat from both our bodies mingled. My cunt grew tighter, pulling his cock into me. I knew that I wasn't far from coming and I wanted to put it off if I could. Those last few minutes before you make it are the best part of the whole thing.
"He was close, too. I could tell by the way he plunged his cock into me with a lot of force and the way he tugged roughly at my shoulders. Our eyes met and we looked at each other in sheer wonder at the fantastic thing that was happening to us.
"Then I heard something. I wasn't sure what it was and I almost ignored it, but an instant later there were footsteps approaching us. He'd heard something too. We stopped, frozen in our embrace.
"Looking down on us in the dim room was Mrs. A-. I couldn't make out the expression on her face. I've tried to reconstruct it in my mind. I'd have loved to have seen what she looked like at that very moment. But at the time, what I felt most of all was fright and, of course, surprise.
"Well, the old bitch didn't take it very calmly. In fact, what she did was grab one of the bedside lamps and crash it down on Mr.
A's back. But she didn't have much strength, I guess, because the lamp didn't break and neither did Mr. A-'s back.
"'You dirty, filthy creature!' she began shouting.
"It was a minute or two before I realized it was her husband she was talking to, not me. I guess she didn't know that females can enjoy sex or want it. Anyway, she called him a lot of names, although she didn't swear once. Then she made him crawl off me.
"He was too stunned to do anything but what she said. As he withdrew from me, he covered himself with the sheet. I wondered if he had a practice of never appearing nude in front of his wife.
"'You poor motherless creature,' she was saying to me. 'Did he hurt you? Shall I call a doctor?'
"I shook my head. 'He didn't hurt me. Please, don't make a fuss. It's not his fault....'
"'Not his fault! I'll never believe that. I know what he's like.' Then her voice assumed that insipid softness again. 'To think that this could happen to you. In my home. Under my very eyes. Oh, you poor, poor child.' She looked as though she was about to cry, but her anger took over again.
"She slapped her husband across the face once, then marched out, muttering something about calling her attorney.
"I tried to sympathize with Mr. A-tried to tell him that it hadn't been his fault, that I'd help him if I could. He didn't want to talk. It wasn't because his wife had actually injured him, I was sure of that. Maybe he was wondering about the money he'd lose in a divorce case, or the bad publicity he might get. Maybe he really did love that bitch of a woman. Or maybe he actually thought he'd been some cause of harm to me. I don't know, and I suppose I'll never know. That was the last time I ever saw him. The next day, one of the maids helped me pack up all my things and the chauffeur drove me to the social agency where I'd come from.
"I wasn't terribly distressed. I've been through tougher things and I've learned that you don't dare dwell on bad things when they happen. Sometimes life is good and sometimes it isn't. You have to put up with it, that's all."
It was sometime after her stay with the A's that Natalie finally told all this to a social worker. After leaving the A's, Natalie was placed in another foster home and again became involved sexually with the man of the house. This time it was less her doing, as she explained it. The man made all the overtures. She did not find him as attractive or as sexually competent as her previous lover had been, but felt forced to comply with his wishes. This is another pattern of behavior which sometimes is revealed in a close study of what really goes on in foster homes.
Natalie was shuffled about from one home to another until she was eighteen. By then she had completed high school, although not with an outstanding record. Nevertheless she was able to support herself in a modest way as a file clerk. Nothing is known of her further sexual involvements.
The one social worker to whom Natalie had confided her secrets felt that Natalie was a very bright, though somewhat disturbed girl, whose intelligence would be of little use until her problems received proper handling. Of impor-tance, this social worker thought, was the fact that Natalie perceived herself to be at the hand of fate, continually swayed by forces beyond her control. Perhaps this originated when she lost her parents, perhaps even earlier in her development. At any rate, a more normal kind of environment during her adolescent years might have helped her grow to maturity and gain self-confidence.
Unfortunately, there are many Natalies, young people who have been deprived of their natural parents for one reason or another and never have a stable home life during the crucial years of growing up. Foster homes occasionally provide a suitable environment, but very often they do not. Better screening of potential foster parents would seem to be essential. Even so, it-is difficult to predict what will happen to a particular girl in a particular setting. Furthermore, people willing to take in foster children are in great demand.
It is Natalie's entire case history, rather than her brief interlude with Mr. A-, that is tragic. And it is all the more so because it occurs so frequently and because no one solution to the problem of parentless children is viable.
CHAPTER FOUR
Twelve-Year-Old Ginger and Her Mother's Lover A!
"My mother is a whore. Maybe that's why I'm the way I am. She goes for everything in pants, with my old man, poor fool, never suspecting a thing. At least, I have good taste. I only take on the groovy ones.
"How did I get started? Would you believe I lost my virginity the same month I had my first period? It was just my twelfth birthday. "Dad was at work. He worked nearly all the time to keep up with the house payments and keep Mom and me in clothes. And Mom was out with Jerry, a character with a lot of bread who takes her to fancy bars during the daytime.
Well, along came Al. Mom had been seeing quite a bit of Al, too, but he didn't have the money to spend that Jerry had. He had other things going for him, though, as I found out.
"I'd played hooky from school that day and was trying on my gorgeous new housecoat when there came a knock at the door. I couldn't imagine who it was, but all of a sudden I wanted to make an appearance at the door in this long, flowing flimsy thing with nothing under it. I just thought it would be a gas to greet some Jehovah's Witness or the Fuller Brush man that way, so I went to the door.
"And of all people, it was Al, come to see my old lady, of course.
"'Hi there, Ginger,' he managed to blurt out, although he didn't conceal his surprise at seeing me this way. 'Is that really you?'
"'No, it's Pebbles Flintstone,' I said. 'Were you looking for anybody in particular? My father is out.'
"'Your mother....'
He stammered, as though he didn't know how much I knew.
"'She's out, too. So you're stuck with me. Why don't you come in?'
'"Might as well.' God, was he awkward! Of course, he was looking through the pale blue nylon of my housecoat where my nipples and belly button and what pubic hair I have showed through.
"He came in and I motioned for him to sit down on the couch. I stood up for a little while longer, to make sure he got the full effect of the housecoat.
"'Are you expecting your parents back soon?' he asked, so nice and proper.
"'You know very well Dad's gone till midnight. As for Mom, she said she'd be back at five, which means she probably won't be here before then. She's often a little late getting back. You know that as well as I do.'
"'You know quite a lot, don't you?' he said.
"'I know enough. So let's not play any silly games, okay?'
"Then I sat down on the couch beside him. Quite by accident, my housecoat came open, showing a lot of leg and a little thigh. I didn't bother to do anything about it. He was looking, naturally.
"Now Al isn't bad looking. Not at all. If I were Mom I'd pick him over Jerry anytime. I wasn't even sure which one of them Mom preferred. She seemed to reserve one for some moods and the other for different moods. And now and then she brings home some total stranger....
"I didn't mean it literally that she's a whore. She doesn't get paid for it. She just goes out with a lot of men and goes to bed with all of them. She even went to bed with Al once when I was supposed to be asleep in the next room! And then all this pretense, as though I didn't know what was going on. Really! And me practically a woman myself. , "Woman enough to turn a guy on, at least. And that's just what I was doing. I knew Al was getting ideas, sitting there on the couch next to me.
"Then I asked a stupid question. Sometimes I can't help but do babyish things. At least I know afterwards that I've done them.
"'Who is prettier, me or my mother?' I asked Al. Now, wasn't that dumb of me? No grown-up girl, no woman who's sure of herself, would come on like that.
"He hesitated. No matter which way he answered, there might be trouble ahead.
"'You're both beautiful, but in different ways,' he said after a while.
"I felt kind of silly for having asked that, but I admired him for getting out of it real cool. I even decided to continue the game, just for the heck of it.
"'Who's sexier?' I asked, and with that I untied the ribbon on my housecoat and let it fall away from me, exposing quite a bit of my bare body, which is a little underdeveloped, but quite nice really, all tanned and smooth.
"He didn't even bother to answer. He picked me up and put me in his lap, but not the way you do with a child.
"'To think of what I've been missing!' he said. 'Are you a virgin?'
"I sighed. Yes, I'm afraid I am. Isn't that a pity?'
"'Do you make a practice of torturing men like this?' he asked.
"'No, I've never done such a thing before in my life,' I said, and it was true. 'I don't know what has come over me today.' And here I faked a little bit of dramatic effect. Guys like to feel special, I know. 'I've had this terrible crush on you ever since you started seeing my mother. And I felt it should be me, not her. I'm single and she's not.'
"'That all sounds very reasonable. But you kept it a secret from me all this time.'
"This was my first chance to be alone with you,' I said with lots of expression.
"'Ah,' he said.
"About then he couldn't keep his hands still.. They were on my back and they began to wander around, down my spine, over my shoulders and closer to my breasts. I squirmed with pleasure. At last he was actually touching my breasts. And he hadn't even kissed me yet!
"The touch of his hands on my breasts was a wild, crazy thing that left me all trembling and feeling kind of weak. As he did it, I watched my nipples become all wrinkled and strange looking.
"I knew that something was going to happen, something more than just playing around. I heard his breath become heavier as he caressed me and his face showed that he wanted me. And I wasn't in the least nervous about it. I knew there'd be nothing difficult about it and probably it would be fun.
"Why didn't he kiss me? Isn't that the way love scenes always begin? Or do real men leave out stuff like that and get right down to the nitty-gritty?
"What he seemed most interested in doing was feeling me up. After playing with my breasts for a while, he got to work on my thighs in the same teasing sort of way. I kept my legs together until he started edging his fingers between them, forcing them apart. He still didn't touch my pussy, though, but kept on caressing the insides of my thighs. It was driving me out of my head.
"I wondered what he thought about my pussy, anyway. I've got the littlest patch of hair you ever saw, and if a guy liked fine and dainty things, well, then he'd like it. I know my mother's cunt is big and coarse-looking with a huge mass of hair; she never goes to much trouble to hide it.
"Finally his hands were creeping toward my pussy. I thought they'd never get there. I was dying to have him touch it. It was. hot already and when his fingers finally landed on it, I shivered all over. I'm sure he noticed, too, that it was all wet. I was ready, all right, ready for whatever he wanted to do.
"He spread the lips of my cunt and ran his fingers over the soft, wet spots. I looked at him and smiled, letting him know' I liked it. Then he tried getting a finger into my hole. It was a little tight, but, of course, his finger slid right in. I've had a couple of my fingers inside now and then, so I knew it would work.
"It really felt great, though, having somebody else's fingers up inside me. He slipped them in and out, as though to give me an idea of what I'd soon be getting. I could hardly wait.
"Finally he drew my face toward his and put his mouth against mine. It wasn't like the way boys kiss. He forced my mouth open, then plunged his tongue deep into me. It was really weird and it startled me for an instant, but suddenly it started me twisting and squirming in his arms. All the while his fingers were jerking in and out of my pussy, too. My heart pounded furiously and when we broke apart at last I thought I'd drop into a faint. It was too much.
"He stood up, still holding me in his arms, then deposited me on my back on the couch. I knew what he was about to do, of course, and that was get out of his clothes. I watched him unbutton his shirt and zip down his pants. He was in a terrific hurry to get on with it, and so was I.
"Finally he was standing before me, completely naked. His body was slender but with lots of nice muscles, not football player ones, more graceful ones. I really dug the way he looked. What really caught my attention was his cock. I'd never seen a hard one before, honest, and I had no idea they got so big.
"I guess he noticed how startled I was by it. 'Don't worry, sweetheart, we'll get it in,' he said very casually.
"I giggled. I liked the way he was so blunt about it.
"Soon he was crouched over me, rubbing his cock against the outside of my pussy, getting ready to put it in. All this, I thought, and he's only kissed me once! But I was ready now for the ultimate experience. I tried to make my hole bigger by opening my legs wide. He carefully positioned his cock at the edge of the opening, then pushed just a little, inching it in with great caution. I'd expected it to hurt, but it didn't. Not at all. In fact, it sent all sorts of wonderful sensations through me.
"'Oh, God' I groaned. 'It's great, really great!'
"He looked at me as though he wanted to make sure I really meant it. He let his cock remain still for a little while, either because he wanted me to have a chance to get used to it or because he was afraid of coming. But he took his hand and started playing with my clit, grabbing it between two fingers and rubbing it back and forth. That, combined with the feel of his huge prick inside me was fantastic. Then he slowly began to move his prick in and out and kept right on playing with my clit. It was more than I could stand.
"Really and truly, for the next few instants I didn't know what was happening. Something seemed to send my whole body into wild convulsions and my pussy, especially, clitoris, vagina and the rest of it, were all twitching wildly. Was it death? Was it some kind of electric shock from somewhere?
"It's funny, but I hadn't expected to come so soon and I hadn't expected coming to be like that. I hadn't really given much thought to it at all beforehand, and while it was happening I just wasn't capable of thinking rationally. To tell the truth, it was so violent it sort of scared me.
"I lay there, in a strange kind of dream world, as the pulsations became more and more faint, while he kept thrusting his cock into me. His face was flushed and his breathing was heavy.
"'What a fantastic lay you are,' he muttered.
"That was the last thing he said for a long time. He kept at it, piercing my weakened cunt with more vigor and force. I really didn't have much interest in it now, except that I kept my eyes open and watched the expression on his face become strained with ecstasy. At last his eyes were closed, and I knew that I didn't matter to him anymore, that the only thing that mattered was his prick pumping my tight, wet little cunt. Then he was gasping desperately.
"He moaned and his face got all screwed up like in pain. And at that point the thrust of his cock nearly tore me in two. I knew that he was coming and I watched every second of it, managing to suppress the little cry in my throat that arose from the violence of his thrusts. It really hurt, but I didn't mind. I was making him happy and that's what counted.
"I think he really had a great orgasm, too, but mine was really the big surprise. Afterwards we talked about it quite a lot. He couldn't believe that a virgin could come like that, the first time out. I could hardly believe it myself. I told him I'd saved up a dozen years for that one and I'd be twenty-four by the time I could do it again.
"He was very impressed with me, though. I know I hadn't performed like something out of The Sensuous Woman; I'd hardly done a damn thing. But what turned him on was the way I'd come. I guess it made him feel like a great lover. Anyway, he was back for more.
"I didn't always come as fantastically as I had that first time, but I nearly always came, sooner or later. Sometimes he'd eat my pussy and that just about always did it.
"We had difficulties with our affair, though. I was supposed to call him when my mother was out and several times we met that way. Once, however, he turned up quite by surprise when my mother was home. That really shook me up.
I wondered if he'd made a date with her or was showing up just to make her think he was still interested in her. They went out together in his car and I don't know what happened, but I can guess.
"I was really jealous. Mad, too. I vowed never to let Al touch me again. And somehow I wanted to get even with my mother, too, even though she didn't know what she was doing to me.
"And I soon had an opportunity to get even with her. She met a new man, Tony, a musician with dark wavy hair and the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. And she really dug him, I could tell. What's more, from the very beginning, I just knew Tony was interested in me. He was always telling me how good-looking I was, even in front of my mother, who was much too preoccupied with herself to pick up on what was happening.
"One day Tony called and asked if Mom was there. It just happened she was out and I said so.
"'Would you mind if I came over anyway'? he asked.
"'If you want to, great!' I told him.
"Minutes later, he was there, dressed to the teeth, and, would you believe-carrying a little yellow rosebud for me?
"'A present for you. But don't tell your mother, okay?'
"'Okay,' I said. 'But I'll have to put it in my room so she won't see it.'
"I dug into the kitchen cupboards and found a vase, filled it with water, and started for my room, carrying the rose. I wasn't at all surprised when Tony followed me.
"'When is your mother coming home?' he asked.
"I wasn't sure. 'God, I don't know. She usually gets here in time to make my dinner, like a good mother.' I said those last words sarcastically.
"This is pretty far from the rest of the house. D'you think we're safe here?'
"I shrugged. I really didn't know how safe was safe enough, but I didn't want to miss my chance with Tony.
"He was looking at me. Maybe he was trying to make up his mind. Those beautiful dark eyes seemed to go right through me. I'd already made up my mind, I knew I wanted him.
"I don't know which of us moved first, but an instant later we were in each other's arms. For some reason, I don't know why, I started to giggle. I was afraid he'd think this was awfully childish of me, but I think it turned him on. My body was shaking against his. And he started to laugh, too.
"'We've shared a secret for a long time, haven't we?' he said.
"'You knew, didn't you?' I murmured. 'And I knew. It's strange, isn't it?'
"'Please don't think I'm a child molester or anything like that. I just happen to go for you, in spite of everything, dig?'
"'Dig,' I said. 'By the way, I'm not a virgin,' I added.
"'I was pretty sure of that all along,' he said.
"Then he nuzzled his lips against my forehead and proceeded to give me little kisses around the eyes and ears. I grasped my arms around him tightly and stood on tiptoes so he could reach my mouth. Now we were really kissing, our two tongues swirling about together, our lips moving frantically. I could feel the familiar twinges of pleasure in my pussy and I ground my body against him. Next to my belly was his cock and it was hard already.
"I wished I'd been wearing something more sexy than blue jeans and a T-shirt, but we soon took care of that. We separated, panting desperately, and he grabbed my T-shirt and pulled it over my head. While he caressed my breasts gently, I unzipped my pants and let them fall to the floor.
"'Your turn,' I said. 'I want to see what you look like.'
"Quickly he got out of his body shirt and bell bottoms. The only thing that took a little while was his belt, but I helped him with that. I was dying to see him naked.
"He had a perfectly exquisite body. Slender, hair on the chest, and a good-sized cock which I took in my hands the instant I first saw it. I rubbed it gently for a few minutes, pulling the loose skin back and forth in a way I know men like. Then, without any warning at all, I got down on my knees, making him bend down just a little, too, and began to suck like crazy. I couldn't get the whole thing into my mouth, so I kept on using my hands, too, tugging and pulling. I really gave him a working over.
"'Whoever taught you this must have been an expert,' he said.
"I didn't stop to answer. I just kept on sucking and twirling my tongue around and pulling with my hands. I think I do a damn good blow job. I wonder if my mother does as well.
"Finally he begged me to stop. 'Let's save some for you,' he said, and I knew what he meant.
"I flopped down on my bed, right on top of the pink chenille spread, then in a flash of practicality slid my jeans under my bottom so the bedspread wouldn't get stained. I lay there in a spread-eagle position and he spent a minute or so just standing there and admiring me before he climbed on top.
"The first thing he did was kiss me passionately on the mouth again. I twisted and wiggled under him, hoping he'd put his cock in me. But he wasn't about to do that just yet. Instead he broke away from me and got down between my legs. He lifted my hips into the air so that my legs draped over his shoulders, then brought his mouth to my hot pussy.
"With the very tip of his tongue he began to flick my clit until I thought I'd go crazy.
"'It's too much!' I gasped breathlessly.
"Then, again using just the end of his tongue, he drew little circles around my opening, teasing me, and finally prodding his tongue inside just a little. My hips began to rotate and I moaned loudly. For a long time he just lapped at my cunt like somebody eating an ice-cream cone, sometimes touching my clit and sometimes my hole. I wiggled and squirmed against his mouth, letting him know that I wanted more and more.
"He then did something that was completely new to me. First he rubbed one of his fingers against my cunt, moistening it, then he slowly inserted it in my ass. I screamed out with utter delight. It was a strange thing, but I loved the way it felt. I had no idea my ass was so much like my pussy.
"Still licking my cunt, he finger-fucked my ass. It was wild. I was getting it everywhere at once. Finally it was my turn to plea for him to stop before I was really over the hill.
"So he crawled on top of me again and let me guide his prick into my hungry cunt. He lowered it into me slowly and his first motions were very gentle. Above me I could see that terribly handsome face and those eyes-oh, those eyes.
"'You're fucking me,' I said, in a kind of amazement.
"Yes, in a way I could hardly believe it, that this terribly handsome guy, my mother's lover, was fucking me and doing a tremendous job of it, too.
"'You're damn right I'm fucking you,' he said, just before covering my mouth with his.
"I was the one, I think, who started speeding it up. Under him my hips were swiveling expertly and I really knew how to use them by now. I wanted more. I wanted it to be wild and violent, not just gentle and sweet.
"His thrusts became more forceful.
"'Don't come too soon,' I warned him.
"I knew he was close to coming and although I was very hot, I still had a little way to go.
"An instant later, he wet one of his fingers in his mouth, then reached down and, like he'd done before, slipped it into my ass. It had felt great before, but now the sensation was incredible. My pussy was full of cock and now my ass was full, too.
"I ground against him furiously and he pumped his cock into me harder and harder. My whole cunt was on fire now. With every stroke, he sent wild sensations through my clit. Then suddenly he reached his finger into my ass as far as it would go.
"I guess that's what did it. For a brief instant, I knew that I was on the verge of coming and wanted to preserve that last glorious feeling just before it happens. Then both of us were grappling at each other madly and my cunt was exploding around his cock. My ass was pulsating, too. We clung to each other's shoulders fiercely while the rest of our bodies went totally out of control. He was coming, too, Of course. And for both of us it was great. We both moaned and I guess we both said things, but I'm not sure what. Finally we collapsed together and then we fell asleep.
"I woke up with a jolt when I heard my mother trampling around the house. Tony was dead to the world. I shook him furiously.
"'Get up. You've got to get out of here.'
"It took an awfully long time to get him roused. I was afraid my mother would come into the room and find him. It would serve her right, but I was afraid of what the consequences might be for me.
"At last Tony was awake enough to know where he was and what was going on. He started throwing on his clothes.
"`How am I going to get out of here?' he whispered.
"I pointed to the window. 'It's not far to the ground. Just watch out for the rosebush.' I kept my voice low, too.
"'Ginger!' It was my mother calling me.
"Scrambling for my clothes, I yelled, 'Just a minute.'
"So, without even a kiss of good-bye, Tony departed by way of the window. I finished dressing and hurried out to where my mother was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and smoking.
"She didn't even ask what I'd been doing or anything. She never did. Obviously she was trying to sober up enough to get some dinner. Her expensive pant-suit was impeccable, but her wig was a little messed and her makeup smeared.
"'Sometimes I think I should get out of these women's clubs,' she muttered.
"Did she really think I believed crap like that? I don't know. I waltzed about the kitchen and started dinner myself, feeling very superior and very happy indeed."
The case of Ginger presents another common characteristic of the Lolita syndrome. Ginger, quite obviously, considered herself a rival of her mother. Little is known about Ginger's father and her relationship with him. It would necessarily seem that she had insufficient contact with him.
A classic Freudian interpretation of Ginger's behavior would stress her need for a father and her hatred of her mother. However, a more precise interpretation demands a close look at Ginger's attitude toward her mother and, perhaps even more importantly, her attitude toward herself and her total self-concept.
Although taking an amoral attitude in her own sexual adventures, Ginger clearly believed that her mother's behavior was wrong. The differentiation she made, quite understandably, was that her mother was a married woman and she was not. She condemned her mother vigorously, calling her various names besides those quoted here.
Although her mother did not fit Ginger's idea of what a mother should be, she envied her in a sense, too. Her promiscuous behavior seemed to Ginger quite exciting, and the individual lovers her mother had sometimes held an appeal for Ginger as well. Ginger's attraction to these men, however, was less strong than her desire to compete with her mother and supplant her in various relationships. Often, when a real woman's attention would have been focused on the man she was with, Ginger would be thinking of her mother or making comparisons between herself and her mother. It is significant, too, that the only men who interested Ginger were her mother's lovers; she didn't seek out contemporaries as boyfriends nor did she try to acquire older male acquaintances on her own.
Ginger's home environment was not one which provided her with the means of developing normal self-confidence and self-assurance. As Dr. S. Coopersmith notes in his book on child development Antecedents of Self-Esteem, children who develop high self-esteem come from homes where mothers exhibit a considerable amount of nurturing yet maintain high standards for the children to adhere to. Ginger's mother provided neither. Preoccupied with her own social life, she neglected to provide very much mothering nor did she set any standards or goals for her daughter. She simply was not interested, and Ginger was well aware of this fact. To put it quite simply, Ginger, like many Lolitas, suffered from lack of love and attention in the home. In her sexual exploits she acted out her need for acceptance as well as her not entirely latent hostility toward her mother.
That is not to say that Ginger's sexual desires were less than real or that she recounted her experiences in a manner less than truthful. Ginger's craving for sex should be separated from her abnormal behavior. It is not unusual for girls at puberty to desire the sexual experience experienced by more mature persons. What is abnormal in Ginger's case is her using sex for purposes essentially nonsexual. Thus, although she derived sexual satisfaction from her encounters, she failed to attain anything which would serve her in a truly fulfilling way.
Another aspect of Ginger's neurotic impulses shows itself in this next episode. Paradoxical as it may seem, Ginger harbored a continuous desire to be caught while sexually involved with one of these men.
"How my father was dumb enough to believe the stories Mom made up I'll never know. Like the camping trip with Jess. To make it look good, she decided to take me along, telling me that Jess was 'a good friend.' What she told Dad was that we were going with another mother and daughter. He didn't seem to care one way or the other. I don't know what kept Dad going, working all the time the way he did and never getting a vacation. Of course, maybe he had his jollies, too.
"Jess I liked from the very beginning. He wasn't as wildly attractive as Tony or as Al, even; in fact, he was a little bit pudgy. But he was really nice. A sweet, well-meaning guy. He actually thought my mother was a widow! He was much too good for her.
"He liked me, I knew, except that he treated me like a kid and didn't really understand me at first. He'd bring me candy and stuffed animals and things like that. I do like stuffed animals, I'll admit, but I don't like people to know that I do.
"On the camping trip we got to know each other a lot better. One day my mother decided to stay on her cot and take a sunbath while we went for a hike. It never occurred to me that any-thing would happen, but I was hoping, just the same.
"As we walked along, he took the trouble to tell me which kind of tree is which and where the eagles' nests were and all sorts of things. I'm not usually a nature freak, but I was having a good time living out of doors, and besides, he made everything so interesting. He was one of those people who forget about themselves and devote their attention to things around them and to other people, too.
"He wanted to know more about me, how it felt not to have a father and stuff like that. I started keeping up the lie my mother had told him, but finally I felt just too cheap doing it. I broke down and told him the whole awful story, what my mother was like and how my father worked all the time and how I was left all alone.
"He was shocked and disturbed by all this. The next thing I knew he took me in his arms as though to comfort me. But once our two bodies were close together something happened, some spark lit up. He became aware of me as a woman instead of a child and I became aware of him as a man who could be more than just a friend.
"Our first kiss was soft and tender. Our lips met and parted, but there was nothing more to it than that. I noticed, though, that he was breathing heavily and so I knew he was excited. I held my arms around him tightly and wiggled up against him. I think he wanted to resist but couldn't help himself.
"The next time he kissed me our tongues were entwined and our breath intermingled. I pressed my whole body against him and his hands roved over my back. There was a kind of desperation about the whole thing.
"Finally he pulled away.
"'No, I mustn't do this,' he declared. 'Let's go back.'
"And, just like that, he started walking. On the way back I told him more about me, about my experiences with men, in particular. He agreed with me that I was very grown-up for my age. I think he was beginning to see me in a different light.
"Back at camp my mother was fast asleep on her cot. I headed for the tent and Jess followed me. I just supposed he was going to get something out of his luggage. But when we were close together in the darkened tent, he suddenly threw his arms around me and pulled me tight against him. His mouth searched hungrily for mine, then he was kissing me wildly, thrusting his tongue between my teeth and pressing his lips against mine so hard I thought he'd draw blood.
"So he hadn't been able to resist me, after all. I was pleased, very pleased indeed. He wasn't as much of a turn-on as the others had been, but it was awfully exciting to have him making advances while my mother was just a few feet away.
"I wasn't sure at first how far it would go, but soon he was grabbing at my sweatshirt and taking my clothes off with breakneck speed, as though he wanted to go ahead with it before he changed his mind. I really wasn't used to this rough kind of treatment, but I dug it. I've always wondered what it would be like to be raped. And it was incredible, this sweet, nice guy behaving like a sex maniac. All because of me.
"He didn't even bother to get my slacks the whole way off because my boots were in the way. So my feet were kind of locked together. I didn't know yet how we'd manage.
"He wasted no time with gentle, tender caresses. He didn't even seem to want to eat my pussy, although he did give it a good, vigorous feel. I was hot, but in a different way than ever before. I wasn't being made love to, I was being taken. And at any minute my mother might find out!
"He pushed me down on my back and shoved my legs up to my shoulders, bending my knees so that my pussy was open. Then he unzipped his fly, and without taking his pants off, crouched next to my bottom. He was on his knees, bending over me slightly. In the dim light of the tent, I could see a strange expression on his face, a look that made me think of cruelty. Why I wasn't afraid then, I don't know. He was a changed person. What do you call it, a split personality?
"Without uttering a word he thrust his cock into me and began a rapid, forceful motion that shook me all over. Something about this position made my ass hot, too, and I could feel his balls jiggling against it.
"There was something terribly animal-like about it, terribly fierce. And although I lay perfectly still, I felt like a wild animal myself. It seemed as though his cock was touching parts of my cunt that had never been touched before. Certainly nobody had ever pierced it so deeply. His cock was like a knife tearing into me.
"Yes, it hurt just a little and at the same time it felt really great. Even the hurting excited me. In a way, this was the best time ever.
"For a long time I was on the brink of coming, my cunt clasping his cock tightly, every nerve in my body on edge. I stifled the little cry that rose in my throat.
"Then he began fucking me at an incredible speed, vibrating inside me with short, rapid strokes. And then I did cry out.
"He put his hand over my mouth and kept on fucking me while my whole body went into a convulsion, my cunt gripping furiously at his cock, pulsating against it violently. I really think he hadn't expected such a thing to happen, but I wasn't thinking about him at all just then. I was totally lost in the enjoyment of the unbelievable things that were happening to my body and especially my cunt, the twitching, the writhing, the great release of energy. God, there's nothing in the world like coming.
"With a plunge of his cock that seemed to rip clear through me, he was finished. It was violent all right, but it was so sudden, almost instantaneous. I don't think he'd got as much fun out of coming as I had.
"He took out his cock, and the sticky stuff he'd deposited in me ran down around my buttocks. I was too exhausted, too far gone to get up or do anything.
"Jess zipped up his pants and walked out of the tent without saying a word. Then I could hear him talking to my mother outside, just as though nothing had happened. I was tempted to lie there, my bare cunt exposed and dripping until my mother came into the tent. That would show her, all right. But finally I got up and cleaned myself with tissue and changed clothes.
"We toasted hot dogs around the fire that night and Jess was as jovial as ever. And the rest of the time we were together, he never once mentioned what had happened, much less tried it again. Maybe he'd had amnesia as far as this was concerned. Maybe he really is a madman, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sort of character. As for me, though, I didn't forget the experience and it even made the rest of the trip more fun, to think that once more I'd fooled my silly, dumb mother and had one of her men."
What this last episode reveals is Ginger's masochistic desire to be caught in one of her sexual exploits by none other than her rival, her mother. Although Ginger achieved real sexual satisfaction, her overwhelming desire was to have her mother find her out. If this had ever happened, it might have been a kind of triumph for Ginger, but other complications, of course, would have ensued as well.
This episode shows other aspects of Ginger's masochism, too, in fact, a kind of desire for pain during the sexual experience. The fact that many women, for various reasons, want to be raped was first elucidated by Freud and has been confirmed by numerous later authorities. In Ginger's particular case, the desire for pain fits into the total picture of her neurotic, self-effacing personality.
Ginger's affairs with her mother's lovers went on for some time. When she was fifteen, however, her father decided he wanted a divorce. As it turned out, he'd suspected his wife's infidelities all along, but didn't take any drastic steps until he himself had met a woman he fell in love with and wanted to marry.
A custody case followed, with the result that Ginger was awarded to her father. Aware of the possibility that the last few years Ginger lived with her mother might have had some emotional effect on the girl, the father insisted that she receive counseling. She was sent to a private social agency, from which these accounts of her experience are drawn.
Ginger's adjustment to living with her father, whom she scarcely knew, and a stepmother, was slow, as might be expected. However, this new environment was sufficiently supportive and no further instances of deviant behavior occurred. Instead of seducing more adult males, she settled down to normal dating and finally became sexually involved with a young college man, only a few years older than she was. Thus, in spite of her sexual precociousness, Ginger was not a confirmed Lolita. Her behavior was the result of the relationship she had with her mother and the hostility she bore toward her. Removed from this situation, she was able to assume the more commonly expected role of a teenager today.
CHAPTER FIVE
Twelve-Year-Old Elizabeth and All Her Willing Older Men
"Sin-sin-sin. That's all you ever hear about when you're the daughter of a preacher. Yes, and you hear what kinds of things are sinful, things like smoking and drinking and sex. Most of all sex.
"I know it sounds weird, but sometimes seeing my father in the pulpit waving his arms and hearing him yelling at the top of his lungs about lust' and 'evils of the flesh' actually made me want to try it and find out what it was all about. Of course, I already knew my father was off the beam about a lot of things. Not just stuff like evolution which you learn about in school, but maybe even the whole line about there being a God up in heaven who watches over you. I'm still not sure about God, but I know damn well that most of the stuff they feed you in church is one big heap of lies. It took me three or four trips to the public library to find that out.
"It was on my way back from the library that I met the man who turned me on to sex. I never even found out what his name was, but I remember all about how it happened and how it felt. I guess the first time is something you never forget. I don't remember all of the others since then so well at all.
"At first all I knew was that a man was following me. I didn't even know what he looked like, but the idea made me feel all tingly. I was pleased that he'd decided to follow me, that he considered me old enough to be worth following. And I was crazy with excitement. Something was going to happen and I wasn't sure what it was, but I wanted it to happen.
"Sure, I'd played with myself plenty of times. I knew how to make it feel really good but I never managed to finish it off. I wanted a man to do that for me. Yes, a man and not a boy. I don't find boys very sexy.
"Of course, I'd been warned about strangers and how they'll do awful things to you, maybe even kill you. But I didn't really believe that what this man would do would be awful. And I just pushed the idea out of my mind that there was a chance of getting killed. So, instead of heading home, I turned off in the direction of a deserted lot where there are lots of bushes and trees. And I slowed down so the man could catch up with me.
"He was kind of strange, really, but he wasn't at all bad looking. As he said, 'Hello,' to me, he seemed a little shy and afraid, as though he expected me to run away and tell somebody.
"'Hi,' I said and gave him a sexy smile, the kind I've seen grown-up girls use in TV movies that I wasn't supposed to watch. 'Do you like me?' I asked him.
"'Yes,' he said, still kind of frightened.
"'I'm really very grown-up,' I said.
"Then he smiled down at me. 'That doesn't matter. I don't like women who are old and have wrinkles and try to boss men around. I like young girls best.'
"'I'm glad,' I said and we walked along together.
"I already had him figured out. He was one of those men who follow young girls whenever they have the chance and then do other things, too. But he wasn't dangerous, I was pretty sure of that. Well, here's my chance, I said to myself as we walked along together.
"It was really thrilling, walking across town with a grown man beside me and knowing that the things I'd dreamed about were going to happen at last, in just minutes from now. I could feel my panties getting wet. That's happened plenty of times before, when I was reading love scenes in books and when I was just thinking about sex.
"We didn't say very much, but finally the man asked me, 'Do you have a boyfriend?'
"I told him, 'No. I don't like kids much. I like men better, men like you.'
"That seemed to please him. He smiled again.
"One thing bothered me a little, though. Maybe I was leading him to expect too much. Maybe he'd think I knew all about what to do and would be disappointed when he found out I was a virgin. I thought I'd better warn him and it took me a little while to figure out just how.
"Finally, I spoke up. 'I have a confession to make,' I said.
"We looked at each other. He said, 'So do I. Do you want to make yours first?'
"'Okay. It's just that-that I'm a virgin. Only I don't want to be one. Do you understand? I know I'm ready. I'm old for my age.'
"He laughed lightly. 'So that's what's been troubling you. Don't worry. My confession is that I like virgins best of all.'
"That pleased me, but it puzzled me, too. I know that lovemaking is very complicated and you're supposed to get better at it with more ex-perience. That's why I wanted to get over being a virgin as soon as possible, so I could go on and learn all the interesting techniques and become an expert. A wicked woman, I thought to myself, and I almost laughed out loud.
"We soon got to the deserted lot. I had a feeling he'd been there before. I hadn't had to show him where it was, he just kept going in that direction and so did I. Once there, we selected a place with trees all around and bushes in-between the trees. It was completely safe.
"I sat down on a patch of grass. 'Would you like to see my body?' I asked him.
"'I'm dying to see it. Of course, I already know what girls' bodies look like. Do you know what a man's body is like?'
"I shook my head. I'd only seen statues with fig leaves and diagrams in books. I'd searched and searched for a photograph of the real thing, but never found one.
"'Let me show you,' he said.
"He left his shirt on and unzipped his pants Then he slid both his pants and his shorts downward. At last, I could see. His penis was big and long and it stuck straight out, which meant he was sexually excited. Around it were a lot of coarse hairs, and down below was the scrotum, all round and wrinkled.
"To be perfectly honest, it was too strange, seeing it all for the first time, to feel excited myself. No, I didn't think it was ugly or any-thing like that. It was more like, well, I just couldn't believe it-that men are so different from women, that they have all this stuff they carry around on the outside. What a nuisance it must be, I thought, having to be careful that none of it gets hurt.
"He beckoned me to come closer, which I did. 'Feel it,' he said, pointing to his penis.
"I took the big thing in my hands. Close up I could see all the little purpley veins and bumps. The big, pink end of it fascinated me. I could see the little opening which I know is where a man urinates and where the sperm comes out. I touched it.
"'Careful,' he warned me. 'Let me show you where the most sensitive part is.'
"He took my fingers and placed them on a little ridge underneath. I rubbed it.
"'That's it,' he said. 'That feels great.'
"Holding his penis in my hand brought another thought to my mind. It was so strong, almost as though it had a bone in it. And it was so big. I could scarcely get my fingers around it. It was difficult to imagine how something like this would feel inside me or even how he could get it into me.
"But I wasn't scared. Not at all. I'd read that the first time is sometimes difficult and can be quite painful for a girl. I had to get that first time over with. But I secretly hoped that I'd get some fun out of it, too.
"'Now let's look at you,' he said.
"He helped me pull my dress over my head, just as gently as my mother used to do when I was a little girl.
"I had a bra on. I'd been wearing one for about a year, but I filled it out better now than I did in the beginning. He knew just how to unhook it and took it off. Then he took my breasts in his hands and he didn't seem to mind that they were sort of small. His expression was very serious. He really seemed to enjoy touching me, and I liked that, of course.
"'Look at your nipples,' he said, grazing his fingers over them.
"Naturally, they were all shrunken and hard. I smiled at him. The feel of his hands on my breasts was beginning to really get to me. It wasn't at all like touching my breasts myself. It made me feel warm and my heart began to pound fast. I even started trembling a little. I hoped he wouldn't think I was afraid, when actually I was dying for more.
"Then he put his hands inside my panties. I was a little sorry that I didn't have sexy bikini panties instead of plain old cotton ones from Penney's.
"Lower and lower his hands went, stretching the elastic to get way in. Yet there was something very cautious about it all. He didn't seem to know how anxious I was to get on with it.
"'Let me take them off,' I volunteered.
"He helped me slide the panties down and lifted me up to get them over my butt. At last, I was completely naked.
"'What a beautiful girl you are,' he said. 'You're almost a woman, but not quite. That's what makes you so beautiful.'
"He just sat there and looked at me for a little while. Then he reached out and spread my legs apart. He ran his hand over the fine little hairs that I haven't had for very long. 'So silky,' he said in a low voice. 'So beautiful.'
"'It feels good,' I told him. And it did. I was really trembling now as I waited for more to happen. Why was he so slow about the whole thing? I wondered.
"When he parted the lips and felt the smooth red part of me where it was all wet, I let out a little scream. I couldn't help it, because it was so new and strange and wonderful.
"'Shhh,' he cautioned. 'We mustn't let anyone know we're here.'
"He was right, of course. But I had a feeling he was happy that I'd screamed. After all, men expect the woman to be responsive.
"Then he began to feel my clitoris, sort of tickling it the way I do myself now and then, but it was so different to have someone else do it. So much more exciting. He kept on doing it for the longest time before moving his finger to my tiny little opening.
"'You really are a virgin,' he said.
"'I told you I was,' I replied.
"Slowly and gently he slipped one finger past the lips into me. I could feel a little twinge of pain. When he brought his finger out, he showed it to me. There was a little blood on it.
"'This is going to be very easy. Just relax,' he said.
"Then he put in two fingers, this time with more force, and it really hurt. But instead of withdrawing his fingers he kept them inside me, wiggling them and stretching the opening. At the same time he played with my clitoris. The pain was going away and the excitement was coming back.
"'You're a lot luckier than most girls,' he said. 'That wasn't hard at all. Now you're not a virgin anymore.'
"'But I'll still be a virgin until....'
"'We'll take care of that, too. If you want to, that is.'
"'I want to,' I said.
"He lay me back on the grass and put my legs into position, with my knees practically up to my waist.
"Then he was over me, his face above mine, his penis in his hand. I'll never forget that instant.
"I opened my legs wide for him, hoping that that would make the hole big enough. At last I felt the touch of penis, there, and I smiled up at him. He kept watching my face the whole time, while he gradually inched his penis inside of me. I'll have to admit that it hurt a little, but it also felt good. I liked the way it filled me. And I liked the way it felt to have his body close to me.
"He was very gentle. For a few instants he didn't move at all, then he began to push his penis in and pull it out very slowly. I was actually having intercourse with a man!
"But, to tell the truth, it was a little disappointing. I didn't feel the warmth or the tingling I'd felt when he'd played with my breasts or my clitoris. Somehow I'd expected the real thing to be a little better than this.
"He knew what to do, though. Reaching down, he slid his hand in between us and began rubbing my clitoris again. I hadn't known it, but that's just what I wanted. I could feel a strange warm feeling all over, and now the in-and-out motion of his penis felt terribly good. I began to wiggle a little bit underneath him, letting him know that I liked it.
"I was hot all right, but I wasn't sure if I was going to have a climax this first time. I knew I had no right to expect one, but I had a tremendous desire for some kind of release....
"It started to happen when I wasn't even expecting it. The feeling is awfully hard to describe. All of a sudden my clitoris was twitching and I was grasping at his penis, squeezing it and sucking it into me. I couldn't believe it. It was really happening and it was the greatest thing I'd ever felt in my life, although I have had better orgasms since then.
"He responded by plunging into me hard and fast, almost ripping me apart. He panted heavily and finally let out a low groan as he seemed to pierce me like a knife.
"'Oh, you lovely little creature. Look what you've done to me,' he said a few instants later.
"We were both all wet and sticky, and he went about cleaning us up with a couple of handkerchiefs he had. I felt good, really good. And I was ever so pleased with myself that I'd actually had an orgasm the first time. That's quite rare, they say.
"We never saw each other again. I suppose he went on to look for more virgins. And I went on to look for more men. From that day on, sex was something I had to have.
"It may seem hard to believe, but it was at a prayer meeting that I met Henry. Since my old man is the preacher at a local church, I'm expected to go to these things. And I don't make a fuss about it, because I don't dare let my folks know the truth about me-that I don't believe in what the church says and that, even at twelve, I'm not a virgin anymore.
"My father was conducting the services and putting on a big show for all the suckers he'd managed to draw in. What I was paying attention to, though, was the good-looking guy next to me. I couldn't guess how old he was, except that he wasn't as old as my father, and I liked the way his muscles bulged inside his clothes. He looked like a man who worked with his hands, not pale and sickly the way so many professional men are.
"We were all squeezed into the pew like sardines, which meant that my thigh and his were pressed together closely. That was enough to start giving me hot pants and I wondered what it was doing to him. Once while our heads were bowed in prayer, I opened my eyes and snuck a glance at his lap. Either he had a mighty big one inside that fly or else it was hard!
"I took a peek at his face to see if his eyes were closed the way they were supposed to be. But no, they were open, and he was sneaking a look at me just as I was at him. He was interested in me!
"A few minutes later my father had us all get down on our knees. Some of the people crawled out into the aisles where there was more room. What I did was crawl under the seat. The next thing I knew my friend had joined me there, part-way, at least; there wasn't room for quite all of him.
"Everybody was praying out loud all around us. You couldn't make out what anyone was saying really except that the word 'sin' kept coming through the babble of voices.
"Then my father told us all to join hands with the person closest to us. I extended my hand toward my handsome friend and he took it willingly, even smiling at me.
"Then he spoke. 'Have you sinned?' he asked me.
"'Yes,' I whispered back. 'And I loved it. I'm not sorry at all.'
"I know that was an awfully daring thing to say, but I sensed that this guy and I could really get something going and I didn't want to miss the chance by being shy. But I hoped I hadn't shocked him too awfully much.
"I realized I hadn't scared him away an instant later when he began to run his fingers over the palm of my hand. It was about all he dared do, here under the church pew, but there was something very sexy in it.
"'That feels good,' I said.
"'You're very grown-up for such a young girl,' he told me in a low voice.
"'Yes, I know,' I said.
"'Would you like to get out of here?' he suggested.
"'Yes, but we'll have to be very careful,' I warned him. I didn't want to go so far as to tell him that the preacher was my own father, and apparently he didn't know.
"'Okay,' he whispered. 'Let's crawl out on our hands and knees. You go to the side door and I'll go out the back. Everybody is crawling around anyway, so nobody will notice. We'll meet at the corner by the sign. Are you game?' " 'Game,' I said.
"I raised my head long enough to make out my father kneeling at the altar with a group of people repenting their sins, then I made ray way on my hands and knees toward the side door. I took one more look to make sure my father's head was down before I made my exit.
"Once outside, I ran to the corner. My friend had had to crawl by more people, so he wasn't there yet. I hid behind the black-and-white sign that announced the subject of next Sunday's sermon and waited.
"I heard his footsteps in the grass. I waited until he was up close to the sign, then I jumped out and said, 'Boo!'
"'I was beginning to think you'd stood me up,' he said.
"'I wouldn't do a thing like that,' I told him.
"He took me by the hand and led me to the parking lot. As we strolled along I could hear the low roar of the voices inside the church.
"He led me to his car, an old beat-up Chevy. Opening the door, he motioned for me to get into the back seat. I did so and he followed me. It was a pretty big back seat and I was glad of that.
"Once he was beside me he put his arms around me roughly and drew me close to him. His face brushed against mine and an instant later he was kissing me in a way I've never been kissed before. His mouth was open and he forced mine open, too. Then he stuck out his tongue and began sliding it against my tongue while his lips pressed hard against mine. There was something fierce and wild about it, but I liked it.
"He kept on kissing me, but his hands were now roaming over my body. First he clutched at my breasts from outside my dress, then he unbuttoned a few buttons and dug inside my bra. I wished my breasts were larger than a mere A-cup, but he didn't seem to mind. He kept pinching them and grabbing at them in a desperate sort of way that drove me crazy with excitement.
"'Let's get some of these clothes off,' he said. 'I want to play with your pussy.'
"I knew the word, of course, having seen it on rest-room walls, but I'd never heard anybody say it out loud before. Not even the man who took my virginity just a few weeks before used words like that. My second lover, this man I was with now, was far different and it occurred to me that I was going to like him better.
"I got out of my dress by myself and was pretty careful about it, so that nobody'd suspect when I got home. Then I went ahead and stripped myself down to nothing. All this time, he was taking off his own clothes.
"'Feel my prick,' he said. 'It's hard. It wants you.'
"I took his penis in my hands, automatically comparing it to the other one I'd felt. It wasn't quite as thick, but aside from that it felt pretty much the same. That sort of surprised me. I guess I'd expected men's sex organs to be as different as their faces.
"Right away I touched my fingers to the sensitive ridge I'd learned about, rubbing it gently. I wanted to show him that I knew what to do.
"'That's nice, little one, real nice,' he groaned.
"Then his hands were groping for me, reaching for the wet hot place between my legs and I pushed myself toward him to help him find it. He parted the lips and ran his fingers all around. I was so wet that his fingering made a funny little sound.
"'It's such a cute little pussy,' he said. 'I wish I could see it, too.' Then he stuck one finger into the opening, and let it go deep inside. 'You really aren't a virgin, are you?'
"'No,' I said. 'I hope you don't prefer virgins.'
"He chuckled. 'No. I just like sexy girls, all ages, all sizes. And you're pretty sexy. Do you know that?'
"That made me feel good. I know I'm beginning to have the body of a woman, but I have very ordinary looks. I'd never make cheerleader or majorette or homecoming queen. Maybe what's sexy about me is that I like sex and it shows somehow.
"By now he'd taken my clitoris between two of his fingers and was giving it a real workout.
I'd never thought to do that when I'd played with myself. It really felt great, so great that I was afraid I might climax before he even got his penis inside me.
"Then he was guiding my hand to what he'd called his 'prick' and making me rub it up and down, sliding the loose skin with my hand.
"'Would you like to kiss it?' he asked.
"That sort of startled me. I really hadn't expected that some man I'd met in church would know about such sophisticated techniques of lovemaking. But I was ready to experiment. I bent down and brought my lips to the sensitive ridge, kissing it softly.
"'Now try taking it in your mouth,' he said.
"I did so, but even though I opened my mouth as wide as I could, I couldn't begin to get all of it in. He took my head in his hands and began moving it in an up-and-down motion, so that the outside layer of skin moved along with my mouth. Each time I came up toward the top, I let my teeth graze the sensitive ridge. I figured he'd like that. He seemed to, for he let me go on like this for quite a little while.
"Finally he said, 'Now it's my turn.'
"A minute later I found out what he meant. Suddenly his face was between my legs and his tongue was slipping and sliding over all my sensitive parts. I opened my legs wide and moved to the edge of the seat so he could get at me better.
"I worried about little things like whether I smelled and tasted nice at first, but then I just relaxed and enjoyed it. Sometimes he nibbled at me and sometimes the rough texture of his face rubbed against me, too. But I liked every bit of it. I felt a little bit let down when he finally stopped.
"'Are you ready?' he said.
"'I'm ready,' I said faintly. My breath was nearly gone.
"It took some scrambling around to get into position, but finally I had one foot up by the rear window and the other over the top of the front seat with plenty of space for him between my legs. If I'd been any taller, it just wouldn't have been possible. Then he was over me.
"'Help me put it in,' he said.
"I wasn't quite sure I'd be much help, but I reached one hand to his penis and the other to my opening. I tried to make the hole as wide as possible. I was plenty wet and I knew that would help. As he lowered his penis, I aimed it at the spot where I wanted it. Then he plunged it in.
"'I'm fucking you, little girl,' he whispered in my ear.
"The first few strokes were slow and easy, gentle ones. But before long he speeded up, pounding away at me.
"'Move with me, honey. Can you do that?'
"I didn't answer. I just started wiggling, trying to keep up with his rhythm. Soon I found that I was grinding my clitoris against him in a way that was driving me wild.
"He kept going at that rapid pace and so did I. For a little while I forgot about everything but what I was feeling at the spot where our bodies came together, separated, then met again. My whole body was alive, but most of all that one spot was warm and wet and open. It was terrific. This is fucking, I thought to myself, the real thing, the dirty thing, the wonderful thing.
"Finally I said what I was dying to say, Fuck me!'
"'I'm fucking you, baby. You're getting fucked by Henry J.M-and don't you forget it.'
"I guess that's how I managed to remember his name.
"I had no fears about making it this time. I knew it was going to happen. If anybody could do it for me, Henry J. M-could. And for the longest time I was on the verge of making it. Close, but not quite there. And that's the best part of the whole thing as far as I'm concerned; when you're floating out in space faraway from everything in the world, knowing full well that you're soon going to experience the most incredible feeling there is.
"When I got there it was unbelievable. My whole body started to twitch and jerk, all the while pulling him into me deeper and deeper. It was sort of like having a fit, but it was beautiful. And it took me a long time to quiet down.
"He kept right on giving it to me, but now with a fantastically fast motion. I just lay there and let the rest happen. His breath became louder until finally he was groaning. His hands dug into my shoulders. I knew then that he was making it, too, and that he was enjoying it tremendously. At last he collapsed on top of me. He was pretty heavy, but I didn't bother to complain.
"My mind found its way back to reality, to the fact that we were in the church parking lot and that soon the prayer meeting would be over and people would be coming out in droves. I could even hear the people singing some hymn and I knew that meant that the service was nearly over.
"'Hey, we'd better get up,' I said.
"'Any reason we can't hide here till they all go away and have some more fun?' Henry suggested.
"'I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have to go home.'
"'Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that you're pretty young. To me you're a real woman. Hear that?'
"I couldn't help turning that over in my mind as I cleaned myself up with Kleenex and got back into my clothes. I am a woman, really. Why doesn't anybody realize that except the men who want to make love to me?
"'You come to church here often?' he asked.
"'All the time,' I said. 'But I've never seen you here before.'
"'I'll tell you a secret. You'd be surprised at how many women I meet in church. But I hardly ever go to the same church twice. Maybe this time I'll reconsider. You're a damn good fuck, little one.'
"'Well, if you come back, I'll probably be here.'
"'Okay, sweetheart. See you in church.' "
Elizabeth's parents remained ignorant of their daughter's sexual exploits. However, they became concerned about her for other reasons. After having been an exemplary student in elementary school and during her first year of junior high school, her grades began to drop and she showed very little interest in academic subjects. Because of this, her parents sent to a youth guidance clinic where she met regularly with a social worker and began to speak freely about her sex life, telling the episodes which are recorded here.
Quite clearly, her sexual precociousness and her failures in school are related. In a general sort of way, Elizabeth falls into the category of Lolitas cited by the unnamed psychiatrist in Russell Trainer's book The Lolita Complex, the "rebels." Says the psychiatrist, "They boil with hostility. Most of it is directed at their parents, but they display it to anyone in authority."
Elizabeth's rebellion against the fundamentalist religion of her parents is quite understandable, considering that she was well-read and had encountered many facts and ideas which conflicted with what she had been taught. Her rigid religious upbringing served in another way to create a situation somewhat damaging. It severed her from her peers. She was not allowed to dress like other girls her age or attend many of the school functions. Thus, she was very much alone.
Being alone, and never having discussed sex with other girls her own age or with an understanding adult of the same sex, Elizabeth saw her burgeoning sexuality as something unique, something that made her different from other girls her age.
Furthermore, she wanted to assert herself as an independent being. After all, she had discovered for herself the half-truths lurking behind her father's devout instruction, and instead of being troubled by conflicts, set about to formulate a moral code of her own. She developed the habit of thinking for herself, which is certainly not to be condemned. However, she was unable to see that the conclusions she had arrived at might be potentially destructive.
In actuality, her conclusions were not very well thought out. As we have already seen, she went to extremes. Everything her parents had taught her as being right became wrong in her eyes; everything they stood against, she was for. Having rejected her parents as a source of authority, it wasn't hard for her to reject her teachers and the subject matter they sought to impart to her in the same way.
The only grown-ups she did not reject were the men who responded to her sexually. Although she talks as though sexual satisfaction were her only motive, it is quite Apparent that through sexual contact with older men, she was able to gain reassurance of her own maturity and femininity. Such assurance, however, might have also come from a mature adult of either sex in a far different kind of relationship.
The social worker undertook to develop a close relationship with Elizabeth, and to point out some of the possible long-range effects of the course she was pursuing. For example, Elizabeth, though she had developed a pattern of promiscuity, never considered the possibility of becoming pregnant. Nor did she consider the effect that her low grades might have on further educational pursuits.
Elizabeth needed guidance and friendly help, rather than in-depth psychiatric treatment as some clinicians might have recommended. Her sexual precocity in itself is not atypical in our society, although it is a subject that is rarely discussed with empathy toward the girls who are sexually mature beyond their years. Elizabeth's entire pattern of behavior, however, was one that could lead to disaster of one sort or an other.
"To tell the truth, I wouldn't call Rev. S-good-looking. He might have been at one time, but he was around my father's age, that's fifty-five, was a little too heavy around the middle and was beginning to lose his hair, too.
"He came to stay with us while waiting for an assignment to a new church. He was alone, having just lost his young wife to another man. We took him in, knowing that his stay would be only for a little while, and we didn't charge him anything. Even though we're pretty hard up, my father felt it was his duty to help out another pastor.
"I liked him. In spite of being a preacher, he was really a nice guy. Right away he offered to help me with my algebra-something neither of my parents would be capable of-and he seemed to sympathize with me about school and how the public schools are a big mess.
"One night when I had a lot of homework to do, he decided to stay and help me instead of going to the prayer meeting with my father. My mother went along, though, which left the two of us in the house together. And I'm sure they never gave a second thought to leaving me alone with Rev. S-.
"We whizzed right through the first three-fourths of the assignment. He made it all seem so easy.
"'You're really a very smart girl,' he told me.
"That's not something I often hear these days. I hear a lot more complaining about my not being able to grasp the harder subjects.
"We were sitting on the living-room couch together and all of a sudden-I don't know what made me do it-I moved closer to him, close enough that our thighs were touching. I half expected him to move away, but he didn't. Of course, it could have been that he just didn't want to insult me, but I had a hunch there was more to it than that. After all, this poor guy had been without a woman for several months now and here I was, a woman in everything but age.
"I nestled close to him, letting my breasts touch his arms. He seemed to like it, yet I could sense that he was a little uneasy.
"'You're tempting me,' he said at last.
"'I know,' I said slyly.
"'I'm a guest here. I wouldn't dare take advantage of the daughter of the house. Besides, I'm a man of the Lord. You know that.'
"'I know all that,' I said. 'But I also know I like you and we're both lonely. I'm very lonely, aren't you?'
"He looked both sad and puzzled. 'Yes, I'm lonely, too,' he said.
"I took my hand and rubbed it gently along the crease of his pants above the knee, reaching higher and higher. I knew I was making him nervous and turning him on at the same time, too.
"I tried to think of something to say to put him at ease, to let him know that it would be all right.
"'Let's make love,' I said in a low, sexy voice. 'You wouldn't be hurting me. I'm not even a virgin. We both want it, don't we?'
"That did it. He didn't answer, but instead grabbed me in his arms and began covering my face with little kisses.
"All the while he kept murmuring, 'I can't help it. I can't help myself....'
"I responded passionately, reaching for his mouth and kissing him the way I'd learned to do so recently, my lips hard against his, my tongue sliding between his teeth. It was driving him out of his mind. Yes, he was in my power now. It amused me a little to think that I was bringing a preacher to sin.
"I kept on kissing him, not giving him an instant to back away and change his mind. Then I went to work with my hands, first caressing his chest and shoulders, then progressing downward toward his bulging fly. What I felt when I got there was hard all right. Preachers are just like people, I thought. They only kid themselves about being different.
"All the while pressing my lips against his, I began to rub his penis through his pants, gently at first, then faster. Finally I reached for the top of his zipper and tugged at it. His pants were so tight by now that I couldn't get the zipper open. I tried and tried until he finally came to the rescue and slid it down.
"As he did this, our mouths parted and we sat back and looked at each other for a moment. No, there was no turning back, I was sure of that. He had a look on his face that let me know he wanted to keep right on going.
"'You're really not a little girl at all,' he said.
"He left the next step up to me. I put my hand inside his shorts and began feeling his penis. It wasn't enormous, but it sure was hard. And I soon noticed something else different about it-it wasn't circumcised. I pulled it out to take a good look.
"That's your prick,' I said as I did so. I knew that my using a word like that would shock him, but I kind of thought he wanted to be shocked. Then I asked him, 'Would you like to see my pussy?'
"He couldn't bring himself to give me an answer, so I just went ahead and got my clothes off as fast as I could. Then I stood in front of him completely nude and opened my legs wide so he could see what was there. He stared at me, amazed. I had a hunch he'd always made it with his wife in the dark and had never seen the real thing before in his life.
"He grabbed me and pulled me down on the couch beside him, first kissing me on the lips the way we'd done before. I squirmed against him wildly.
"Then I broke loose and did a very daring thing, something I'm sure he'd never experienced until now. I put his penis in my mouth and began going up and down. He didn't say a word, but he finally pushed me away and lay me back on the couch. He was ready for some real action. Not too ready, I hoped, because I knew I wouldn't be able to climax right away.
"'Would you like to eat me?' I asked him.
"'I-I want, I want to make love to you,' he stammered.
"I didn't persist. I wouldn't have wanted to make him do something he didn't enjoy.
"'You mean you want to fuck me,' I said.
"He didn't respond, but instead got into position above me. And the funny guy still had his shirt on. He'd pulled his pants and shorts down to around his knees. Without asking for my help, he guided his penis toward me and slipped it in. I love that feeling you get when it's first inside ... so warm and full. Then he began little jerky movements. I must say the lovers I'd had before had far better techniques. But it was good to have a man actually making love to me again. And it was all the more weird because it was Rev. S-.
"I set my hips in motion beneath him, not only to make it feel better for me, but to show him that I really knew what to do. I started a slower sort of rhythm and pretty soon he caught on to it. It was getting good now, his penis sliding deep into me and out again without any hurry or rush about it. And it really turned me on to think that I was showing this old man how to do it. I'll bet he'd never had it so good before.
"As I got hotter, I speeded up the motion and he really got going, too. Not the little jerky motion he'd started out with, but a smooth steady rhythm that made me want to melt. It was good, very good. Pretty soon I forgot about who he was or where we were and all of that. All I knew was that my body was doing it's own natural thing and my mind had lost all control.
"I lay there, lunging upward and squirming like an automated toy. But I knew that this stage wasn't going to last terribly long. I was close to the finish.
"Oddly enough, it happened to both of us at exactly the same time, the way the books say is ideal, but very difficult to do. Suddenly there was a twitch and I couldn't tell which of us it came from. Then together we went utterly wild, thrashing around so hard I was afraid we'd fall off the couch. And for me it lasted longer. My hole kept grabbing for his penis long after he lay spent and exhausted on top of me.
"That was great,' I said finally.
"He got up slowly, then frantically took his shorts and cleaned me up before the telltale wetness got to the couch. I was grateful that he'd thought to be so cautious. I never worry about the details.
"Then he sat down across the room from me with his clothes in his hands.
"'Oh, dear, what have we done?' he moaned.
"For a minute I was afraid he was going to start praying. I felt sorry for him then. 'Don't feel bad,' I said. 'It was a nice thing to do and we both needed it. You haven't hurt me. And I'll never tell, I promise.'
"That didn't seem to help. I knew better than to try to convert him to my way of thinking. I knew also that somehow he'd be changed by what had happened, whether he ever came to accept it or not. He wouldn't just forget it.
"We got everything picked up and got dressed in plenty of time for the arrival of my parents. I stayed up to greet them, but Rev. S-went off alone to the spare room. I told my folks that he was very tired.
"The next day when I got home from school, I learned that Rev. S-had left, saying that he had to take care of some business in the city. My father seemed a little surprised at his taking off like that, but didn't take the trouble to question it. Only I knew why he'd gone-to remove himself from temptation and be alone with his confused conscience.
"I hoped that I'd really turned him on, that he'd leave the church and start having fun like other people. At least I'd shown him how much fun sex can be."
As the interlude Elizabeth had with Rev. S-shows, she was beginning to sense some responsibility for her actions. At least, she was able to perceive the plight she had created for her partner. Previous to this, she was oblivious to the fact that the men she'd had sexual activity with could have been prosecuted on criminal charges.
Still, she showed little concern for her own welfare. The social worker warned her that she'd better find some reliable means of contraception or else stop having sexual encounters altogether. She'd been lucky so far, but she shouldn't count on her luck holding out. Elizabeth complied with this in her own fashion. She demanded that the men she met buy prophylactics. There was no way she could secure a diaphragm or the birth control pills without her parents' permission.
In time, Elizabeth was motivated to work harder in school and earn the kind of grades which would enable her to go to college. She began to see college as a means of breaking away from her parents and the church and hoped that she could go to a school faraway from home. Thus, she became less concerned with the "here and now" and more oriented toward mapping out her future. It's not difficult to understand how such a self-centered girl as this could be brought around to such thinking.
Her sexual behavior, however, presented a larger problem, and one which the social worker finally decided was insoluble She continued to pursue older men and carry on a series of one-time-only affairs with them.
The only break in this pattern occurred when she met a man with whom she became emotionally involved. Although the man happened to be married, the social worker greeted this as a possible improvement in Elizabeth's case. For once, she was able to appreciate sex within the context of an emotionally complex relationship.
This affair ended traumatically, with the man going back to his wife, and Elizabeth resumed her old behavior. Still, her sexual encounters went unnoticed by her parents and everyone else. The social worker had the authority to disclose these facts to her parents, but preferred not to do so. The one hope seemed to be that eventually Elizabeth would become attracted to someone closer to her own age. The social worker, though, was well aware that this might not happen for some time and that it might not happen at all. Elizabeth was a confirmed Lolita and a promiscuous one at that.
CONCLUSION
These particular case histories were specially chosen because each represents a different set of circumstances which led the girls to becoming Lolitas.
Judy's affair with an older man, a teacher, developed out of a relationship that began as an intellectual one. Although Judy was both intellectually and sexually precocious, these traits are not common to all Lolitas.
Tami's case, like that of the Nabokov novel, is an instance of a girl becoming involved with her stepfather. The chances of such a thing taking place are probably a lot greater than most people realize, and many such cases undoubtedly go unrecorded.
Natalie presents an example of the parentless girl who is placed in a foster home which is, according to some authorities, a classic situation in which Lolitaism may develop. Although the A's, with whom she was placed, differ from most foster parents in their being extremely well-to-do, the situation that ensued was typical.
Ginger's story is one which occurs somewhat more rarely. Although having a promiscuous mother frequently leads to abnormal behavior of one kind or another in an adolescent girl, Ginger's reaction can only be considered extreme.
Elizabeth, who rebelled against everything her religious family attempted to teach her, is perhaps more typical. It is not at all unusual that an extremely rigid upbringing leads to extreme sexual behavior such as promiscuity, homosexuality, or Lolitaism.
Of course, these are just some of the situations out of which Lolitaism can develop. Probably far more typical is the case of the well-adjusted, middle-class girl who carries on affairs with older men, but is never found out or referred to a social or psychological agency for counseling. Such cases go unrecorded, but are probably a lot more frequent than one would generally assume.
The Lolitas dealt with here are all girls with problems, otherwise their stories would not have been available. Their individual problems have been given some interpretation in the material accompanying the recorded sessions. What is perhaps most important is to consider what problems they all share.
Invariably, the home lives of these girls show themselves to be less than satisfactory. All but Elizabeth lacked a natural father, and Elizabeth's father was quite clearly incapable of understanding her problems. Also, none of the girls had a mother with whom they could establish any real rapport. Judy considered her mother intellectually inferior. Tami's mother overplayed her role, was overprotective and refused to see Tami as anything but a child. Little is known of Natalie's natural mother, but her first foster mother was too concerned with her extensive charitable activities to give Natalie the attention she needed. Ginger's mother, by her unfaithful and promiscuous behavior, would seem to have incited Ginger's subsequent seduction of her lovers. And Elizabeth's mother, like her father, was too simplistically religious to have any real comprehension of her daughter's intellectual or sexual life.
Interestingly enough, however, none of these girls can truly be absolved of the accusation of having provoked their affairs. Even though Tami's stepfather turned out to be a man with an uncontrollable preference for young girls, there was a kind of seething sensuality underlying Tami's pretended innocence. The other girls were more honest: they had wanted to lose their virginity and they admitted to taking the initiative in creating a situation where this would happen. This particular aspect of Lolitaism is far too often misunderstood and usually it is the man who, if apprehended, receives the blame and severe punishment.
The man who is seduced by a Lolita is the victim of circumstances that are sometimes unavoidable. But also, the girl is a victim of circumstances created by our society and by the common inadequacy of parent-child relationships. Sometimes both the girl and the man emerge from the relationship unscathed and able to live normal lives. Often enough, both need help, not just help with sexual problems but help in learning to conceive of themselves as worthwhile human beings. In any event, they deserve the sympathy of other members of our society.
