In his book, The Erotic Revolution, Lawrence Lipton writes: "It is a paradox of history that the best kept secret is the secret everybody knows and nobody is talking about. I am not referring to the sexual revolution, which is universally acknowledged and widely discussed. What I am referring to is the extent to which the beginnings of a new morality have already made their appearance in our culture. The breakdown of the Old Morality is no longer a secret...." And this was a fact made shamelessly clear when Merry arrived on campus. Her emotions and desires were playthings for the campus here as she plunged toward a life of lust.
CHAPTER ONE
No, VAL, I CAN'T." I turned away from him and gave my attention to the bag of hamburgers and Cokes we had picked up on the way to the apartment.
"Come on, Merry," Val argued. "Don't be that way. Jack and Carol are in love. All they want is a place where they can have a little privacy."
I took the two Cokes out of the bag and set them on the kitchen table. "But what if somebody found out? I'm scared enough about our coming here every day but if-"
"Who's to find out?" Val shrugged his wide shoulders and leaned back against the cabinet in the easy, relaxed way of an athlete. "The houses on both sides are rooming houses full of students. The front of this house is two other apartments. Also students. So how much attention do they pay to who comes and goes around here? And why should they care?"
I glanced at him briefly, then looked away. It was better if I didn't look at him if I wanted to win an argument. Just the sight of Val Adam's tall, muscular figure made me go soft and weak inside. And when he turned the direct gaze of those electric blue eyes on me and smiled in that unusual way that lifted only one side of his mouth and made that lone dimple pop into view-well, my mind went blank and I couldn't even remember what it was we were arguing about.
Val must have read my mind because he moved closer and put his hands on my shoulders, turning me to face him. "Look, Baby, you're in college now. It isn't like high school where you have to get permission to leave the campus for lunch. At State they don't care where you go or what you do so long as you show up for classes and make your grades."
I tilted my chin, defiantly. "If that's so then why can't they go to Jack's room or to Carol's?" I knew the answer to that one even as I said it. I also knew Val would be mad.
He was. He dropped his hands from my shoulders and turned away in disgust. "My God, Merry, you're not all that stupid. You know how restricted fraternity and sorority members are. There are plenty of advantages to living in a frat house, but freedom isn't one of them."
"But you said-"
"I'm talking about off-campus housing. The lucky ones who are over twenty-one or who live with their folks. Why you've got the sweetest setup in the world here, Merry. Nobody pays any attention to you because you live with your mother but with her working and being gone all day-"
"But that's why I'm scared, Val. If Mama ever found out-"
He moved in on me again, coming up behind, slipped his arms around me, placing a hand over each breast. I shivered at his touch. His fingers were long and slender and my full, firm breasts seemed to fit perfectly into his cupped hands. He lowered his head until his chin rested on my shoulder.
"Come on, Baby," he murmured, his hot breath tickling my ear in a most exciting manner. You wouldn't be cruel enough to deny another couple in love the same pleasure we've found in this little hideaway?"
I felt myself going limp but fought to hold my body rigid so he wouldn't know how he affected me. If Val only knew what his touch did to me. One part of me wanted to turn and throw myself into his arms and beg him to do all the exciting things to me that I knew he was capable of doing. But another part of me resented his power and wanted to resist.
"Look, Merry," Val whispered into my ear. "This is too good a deal to pass up. I think, if we handle it right, there could be some money in it for us."
"Money?" At the mention of that word my mind was caught up by thoughts that had nothing to do with Val making love to me.
He shrugged and took his hands away. "Yeah. I think old Jack would come across with a few bucks for the privilege of using your bedroom for an hour."
I whirled and faced him. "How much money?" A deep shame filled me at the sound of my voice asking that question. It was terrible of me to be influenced by thought of money. But I was remembering those clothes I'd charged at the Campus Smart Shop. I'd received a bill yesterday and I didn't have the money to pay it.
Val shrugged again and took out a cigarette and lit it. He didn't answer until after he had taken a long drag and blown the smoke out. "A couple of bucks. Maybe more."
My heart sank. Two dollars wouldn't begin to help on my bill at the Smart Shop.
Again, Val seemed to read my thoughts. "Of course, I'm talking about if they wanted to come regularly-say four or five times a week. Otherwise, we couldn't let him have it that cheap."
I didn't know what to say. My mind was in a turmoil of wild thoughts. Eight or ten dollars a week would soon pay for my clothes and even make it possible for me to buy a few other things I needed-But to rent out my bedroom, the room I shared with my mother, to some couple who wanted it to make love ... That was almost like running a whorehouse.
"Old Jack's got the money," Val went on in that soft, lazy drawl. "His old man's loaded. Owns half the oil wells in Texas. And it would cost him more if he took Carol to a motel."
Suddenly, another thought hit me. "But Val, what about us? I mean, if we let Jack and Carol use the room-"
Quickly Val moved in on me with reassuring arms. "Don't you worry about that, Baby," he said, pulling me against him and rocking our bodies back and forth together in a most sensuous and suggestive way. "You and I will find a way. I'm not about to give up what we've found together."
When he talked that way and held me in his arms, making those tantalizing movements with his hard body against mine, all my doubts about Val fled. My brain might have questioned his sincerity but my body knew we belonged to each other and nothing could ever change that fact.
I moved my face around so that I could lift my lips to his. He tilted his head down and his lips brushed mine lightly. I strained forward, wanting more than that light, teasing touch. He knew what I wanted when my lips parted and pushed forward reaching for his mouth but he held back, keeping his mouth only a fraction of an inch from mine.
"Damn you, Val," I murmured, all shame gone, "Why don't you kiss me?"
Those compelling blue eyes, so close to mine, narrowed to slits. "We've got to get this thing settled, baby-doll. Can I tell Jack it's all right about the room?"
"Yes ... yes...." I breathed.
His mouth rewarded me by closing down over mine and his strong tongue shot between my lips, scorching as it went. I clung to him, waves of hot desire washing over me, filling my belly to overflowing, spreading the damp warmth between my thighs.
Val began to move me toward the bedroom, not losing any of the pulsing contact between us. I was scarcely aware of my feet moving. It was as if I floated on a cloud of passion. When I felt the edge of the bed touch the back of my calves, I relaxed, ready to sink backward. But Val held me with one strong arm about my waist while his free hand pulled down the zipper of my shift and reached inside to undo my bra. When he got to my nylon panties he whispered, urgently, "Help me!"
Scarcely knowing what I did but with an uncontrollable instinct to obey him, I reached down and peeled the flimsy material over my hips and thighs. In one fluid movement, Val bent, slipped an arm beneath my knees and another under my arms, caught me up and placed me on the bed. My arms tried to hold him as he pulled away long enough to shuck out of his own clothes. Through a dim haze of passion I saw his strong, naked body loom over me and I reached for him again.
Instantly, I knew the thrill of that firm, muscular body pressing into my own softer, more yielding flesh. Our bodies became one, welded together, all of the more sensitive parts making electrifying contact, writhing against each other with maddening intensity of purpose.
In a few moments I was ready. My thighs parted in invitation and I gasped, "Do it now, Val!"
"It's all yours, baby!" he whispered and plunged deep, giving my frantic body what it screamed out for.
When it was over I felt that dreaded moment when the deep-blue feeling settled down over me like a chilling mist and there was an aching in my chest as if I wanted to cry and couldn't. When that feeling came I always wanted to press close to Val and be held in his arms. Quietly, until the feeling went away and I felt safe. But there was never any time.
Val stood up and began dressing. "Come on, Merry," he snapped. "It's almost one o'clock."
I rolled over on my side and reached for the bed spread to pull a corner of it across me, strangely aware of my nakedness. The shades were drawn because I always pulled them before I left for school in the mornings. But it wasn't possible to shut out the brightness of the September day and, in the shadowy light, every object in the cheap little room seemed to stand out stark and ugly-including my own too-white body. "Can't we cut our one o'clocks?" I murmured. "Maybe you can, but I can't." He was dressed now, all but his shoes, and he sat on the side of the bed to put them on. "French is my weakest subject and if I don't make a two-point average, the Gammas will drop me like a hot poker."
I sat up in bed, still keeping the spread over me, and reached for him. He shook me off and stood up.
"I was only going to kiss you good-bye," I said, hating the tearful tone I could hear in my voice.
He leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the mouth. There was no warmth in his lips, but my own mouth came alive just the same and my lips quivered begging for more. He didn't respond. How could he go cold so quickly when only minutes before his body had been molten gold in which my body wanted only to drown?
"Are you coming?" he asked. "Sure. But I'll be late. You go ahead." He nodded and started from the room. I called after him, "Will I see you tonight?"
"I've got to study," he yelled back. "But I wanted to see that movie at the Strand. You said-"
"Get old corn-ball what's-his-name to take you." The outside door banged.
I knew who he meant. Don Ulrich. For a moment I thought bitter thoughts about how it would serve Val right if I did give Don a date. But Val knew I couldn't. He knew I was his girl and his alone. That was why he could say a thing like that about Don, I told myself. He would never say such a thing if he wasn't sure of my love.
Suddenly, I felt very tired and lay back against the pillow. The deep-blue mood was coming back. Why was it always this way? Why did I feel this nameless depression when moments before I had known only ecstatic joy? And why did I always allow Val to leave the apartment before me and be late to class because I couldn't bring myself to climb out of the bed and dress in full view of his indifferent eyes?
Was I really two people? One the sex-starved loveslave Val Adams had made me and the other still the nice little girl from Willow Grove who was such a comfort to her widowed mother? It must be true. I was two people.
But how did it happen? Val Adams. He could change any girl. That is if red blood ran in her veins and not ice water. But it wasn't all Val's fault. If I were to be completely honest I had to admit that it started before I met Val. I guess it really started when my father died, unexpectedly, of a heart attack.
Daddy was a small-town druggist who never made too much money. And he was bitter when the chains moved into Willow Grove with their shiny, modern stores and their cut rate prices. I'm sure it wasn't just the loss of money that he cared about, but the fact that he was no longer the man of importance that he had been when he was Willow Grove's only pharmacist.
I guess it was Daddy's great desire to "show the town" through me, that led to my being such a greedy and vain girl. Daddy was always telling me how things were going to be when I grew up. I would go away to college, have a beautiful wardrobe, pledge the best sorority, date only the most important fraternity boys and marry a rich and handsome man.
When there wasn't always enough money for things I wanted, Daddy's explanation was the "college fund". "It isn't so important that we have everything we want now," Daddy would say. "Who in this town is worth impressing anyway? But we all have to do without so that when my little princess is ready for college she can go first class."
Mama didn't like Daddy talking that way. "You're filling her head with impossible dreams," she used to tell him. "It's better for her to be realistic. We don't always get everything we Want in this life. It's better to be content with who we are and what we have."
"I don't want her to be content!" Daddy would yell. "Why should she be content? I've never been content."
"I know. And that's just your trouble," Mama said, in that smuggly superior way of hers. "You can't face the fact that you don't have what it takes to be any more than a small-town druggist. And you want to use Merry to get back at the world for your failure."
I hated Mama when she talked to Daddy that way. I figured she was just jealous because Daddy loved me more than her. That's why I couldn't believe her when she said there was no money for my college education after Daddy's death.
"But there has to be a college fund," I protested. "Daddy was always talking about it."
Mama shook her head. "I think there used to be such a fund," she said. "But your father spent a lot of money modernizing the store in an attempt to keep up with the chain stores and get some of his business back. I guess that's where your college fund went."
"But isn't there any money at all?"
"There will be very little after the debts are paid.
Our home is in the clear, thank God. There is no insurance money. He couldn't get life insurance because of his bad heart."
"But what will we do?" For a moment I was rilled with the fear that I wouldn't be able to finish high school.
"We'll manage," Mama said. "I'll go back to work. You have another year of high school, then you can work too. But you better forget about college."
My chin went up. "I won't forget about it. I'll get a job for afternoons and Saturdays and I'll save every cent."
If Mama didn't sound too excited about my plans, I guess it was because she knew how little money an inexperienced high-school girl could make at a parttime job in Willow Grove. I got a job at a drive-in hamburger joint and worked my tail off. I didn't spend a penny that wasn't absolutely necessary and I put in as many hours working as they would allow.
I still graduated with honors because I had my eye on winning some scholarship money. I got the scholarship all right but it still wasn't enough. That summer I worked full time and worked so hard I made myself sick. I came down with the flu in July, spent two weeks off from work and lost six pounds.
The night before I was to go back to work, Mama came in and sat on the side of my bed. "Merry," she said. "I've come to a decision. If you want a college education, I've got to help you. I can't let you kill yourself."
I sat up and watched her, anxiously. Was she going to tell me that there was some money in the bank after all? "What-what did you have in mind, Mama?" I asked.
Mama's forehead wrinkled and she pursed her lips for a moment before she spoke. "This house probably wouldn't bring much if we sold it. But it should bring enough to make a down payment on a house near the campus at State. If we could find a suitable house, we could rent rooms to students. And with some income from the property and our own living quarters-"
"But I'd be living at home," I blurted out, "I wanted to go away to school and live in a sorority house."
Mama's eyes turned angry. "Are you still nursing that impossible dream, Merry? You had me fooled. From the way you were working and saving and denying yourself, I thought you really wanted an education. But all you want is a good time."
"I'm sorry, Mama," I said. "It's hard to give up the dream. But I know you're right. And I do want an education. I really do. If you'll do this to help me, I promise I'll work hard and never say another word about being a sorority girl."
Mama's shrewd eyes studied me for another minute. I guess she was convinced because she smiled. "Look, here's what I figure we could do...." She reached for a pencil and paper from my desk and began writing. Soon we had our heads together and were planning like mad.
Later, after Mama went to bed, I lay back against my pillow, too excited to sleep. I thought again about how Daddy and I had planned things. Just because I have to live off campus with Mama at first doesn't mean it has to be that way for the whole four years, I told myself. I had what it took to make a splash on that campus. I knew I did. If I could get in with the right people I could still get what I wanted from college which was certainly more than just an education no matter what I told Mama.
I turned on my bedside light and sat up. But did I have what it took to make it with the right people when I had no money and no family back of me? I slid out of bed and strolled over to gaze at myself in the full-length mirror on my closet door.
My green, nylon shorty gown revealed more than it hid of a full-blown figure. In spite of the weight loss, my breasts were still large and firm and widely spaced. My waist was tapered and narrow. Below, my tummy lay flat and smooth even without a girdle and my hips rounded in a softly feminine way. Below the shortie gown my legs stretch long and slender, the flesh firm and creamy and smooth as satin.
I turned sideways and, looking in the mirror, examined my figure, critically. The breasts jutted out, firm and sharp under the sheer nylon. There wasn't the slightest hint of sag. I could certainly go braless-if I was ever convinced that was the thing to do. My fanny? Well, whenever I lost weight my fanny did have a tendency to flatten out just the slightest bit. But only an absolute perfectionest would even notice. Besides, if I put on a few pounds the fanny would be as pert and provocative as ever.
"Yes, you have what it takes," I whispered to the redheaded girl in the mirror, without the slightest feeling of being vain. At the moment I was only being realistic, like Mama said I should be. I did have what it took to get a man hot and bothered if I set my mind to it. And that was all it would take to open the door to my dream future. Just one man. The right man.
Dreamily, without really thinking what I was doing, my hands moved down across my hips and cupped under my buttocks, lifting the flesh, squeezing. As a man's hands might squeeze and caress, though no man had ever touched me so intimately. Not in all of my eighteen years. Then, feeling excitement rising in me, my hands moved up under the shorty gown to cup my bare breasts. They were very large for such small, feminine hands. But they would fill a large man's hands to perfection.
A man's hands! I closed my eyes and pictured him. The face was dim, as seen in shadows, but his body was tall, broad shouldered and slim hipped. And his skin was taunt and smooth, stretched over hard muscles. And his hands ... I could feel his hands on my breast, the strong, slender fingers teasing ... Suddenly, my nipples were rigid and hard as the flesh of new fall apples.
I jerked my hands away and my eyes flew open. I stared at myself in the mirror and saw my face flush a rosy pink even as I felt the warmth in my cheeks. What was I doing? My God, what kind of a girl was I? I ran back to my bed, crawled in and turned off the light. In the darkness, I lay very still, waiting for my heart to quit banging against my ribs and I thought about what I had felt just now.
It wasn't that I didn't know about passion. I'd necked on dates. There had even been a time or two when the boy was especially cute and I felt some vague, indefinable longing for something more than just kisses. But every time that a date had tried to go any farther, I'd pulled back. Maybe it was what my mother had tried to teach me about saving myself for "Mr. Right." I know that stuff is pretty corny these days and most young people don't pay much attention to it. But, with me I think it wasn't so much saving myself because Mama said that was what a good girl should do. It was mostly that I really didn't want to go all the way. Not with any of the boys I'd dated. But tonight, dreaming about that boy I would meet at college ... No, not a boy. A man. for he would be a man. I knew now that I was ready to become a woman in the fullest sense of the word. My body was ripe and when I met him ... I shivered thinking about how it would be and I pulled the bedsheet over me, though it was a warm July night.
CHAPTER TWO
The kitchen clock chiming the half-hour brought my mind back to the present. I glanced at my watch. One-thirty. Too late to try for my one o'clock. But maybe I'd better get a move on or I'd miss my two o'clock also. I slid off the bed and looked around for my clothes. My jumper was in a crumpled heap on the floor. I held it up and examined it. What a mess! Wrinkled and dusty from the bare floor. This crummy apartment didn't have a rug in the bedroom. I made a mental note to say something to Val about being more careful of my clothes. I didn't have enough that I could afford to be so careless. Then I giggled to myself, thinking about how much impression this would make on Val. When that stud was all steamed up he cut through obstacles like clothing as if they didn't even exist.
My bra and slip were on the foot of the bed. I had to get down on all four to retrieve one of my loafers from under the bed. And that's where I found my panties, too. Also grimy with dust. I held them away from me in distaste. Ugh! I couldn't put that back on. I went in the bathroom and dropped the panties into the dirty clothes hamper. Thank God I was the one who tended to the laundry around there. Mama was much too busy working as a waitress at the Rainbow Cafe. I was also responsible for the housework. And, since Mama left for work each morning before I left for school, she never had occasion to know when I made up the bed. That was a good thing too, because sometimes I didn't have time to straighten it after Val and I used it at noon.
I got into my clothes and did a little repair work on my make-up and combed my hair. When I went into the kitchen the first thing I saw was the paper bag from Gully's Grill. I peeped inside. One of the hamburgers was gone. I giggled. Val must be learning to enjoy his hamburgers cold. I took the other one out, unwrapped it and wrinkled my nose. Guess I'd forget about lunch today. Maybe I'd better speak to Val about that matter too. Surely, we could find time to eat first. It was a long afternoon when I missed lunch.
Seeing the cold hamburger made me think of the way I met Val. It was the second week of school, only three weeks ago. I'd been having a hamburger in a back booth at Gully's Grill with Don Ulrich. Don was in my Education 101 class. I'd already classified him as a nice, attractive boy that I might have enjoyed dating if he had been anybody of importance. But he wasn't. Don was a farmer's son from upstate. He was also a vet who had done time in Vietnam and was a few years older than most of the freshman. Twenty-three, I learned later. I also liked his being older. A more mature man always appealed to me. But he wasn't in a fraternity. His family were neither rich nor well-known. And he was an education major because he hoped to teach history. No future there.
He started right out trying to date me but I told him that I didn't go out nights since my mother worked and I had to do all the housework and cooking as well as get my studying done. I didn't want to date any body unimportant because that might keep me from being able to make any time with the right man when I found him.
At first I thought it wouldn't take much to discourage Don since he seemed to be rather quiet and shy. But, I learned later that he really wasn't shy. He was just reserved. And he also had a quiet confidence which made him go after what he wanted in a determined, if not flashy, manner.
On this particular day he caught my arm as we came out of class. "Come on, Merry," he said. "I'll buy you a hamburger."
"I-I can't, Don," I said, taken aback at this unexpected move.
"Sure you can. You've got to eat. Don't tell me you always rush home on your lunch hour to sweep or put out a wash."
I felt my face flush with embarrassment. I was thinking of saying something about like that but now I didn't have the nerve. So I just laughed and went along with him. After all, a free meal wasn't anything to be turning down anyway. Not the way I needed money.
We went to Gully's Grill, a strictly hamburger, french-fry and Coke place on the Campus Comer. It was a popular hangout with the students and already crowded when we got there. However, someone was just leaving one of the booths and Don made a dash for it and saved us having to perch at the counter.
The waiter cleared the table and took our order. I settled back and looked around. It was good that Don had taken me there, I thought, in place of the Student Union Cafetria or the Terrace Room. That's where most of the In crowd went for lunch. Not that there weren't some frat guys in Gully's Grill. But they weren't the ones who really counted. I'd already learned that there were plenty of nobodies at State who pl-edged fraternities or sororities. But the really important houses picked their pledges with care. Picked them for money, background, looks, popularity and future potential. And that was the way I was picking my guy.
The waiter had just brought our hamburgers and Cokes when a group of Gammas came in and crowded up to the take-out counter. They had two girls with them. I wasn't sure what sororities the girls belonged to but there was no mistaking the fact that they were important. They were wearing skirts and cashmere sweaters in the new, soft-heather shades. The kind of clothes I'd have mortgaged my soul to own. Suddenly, I was painfully aware of my own three-year-old skirt and blouse.
They also sported the latest in hair styles. Sleek, shiny, almost-straight hair which swung freely when they moved. Only an expert hair stylist like Anton of The Beauty Nook could make hair move that way. And Anton charged outrageous prices that only rich sorority girls could afford. I touched my own hair, smoothing the curls with my palm. Not that it did any good. I'd been trying ever since I arrived on campus to get some of the natural curl out of my hair. There was a hair-straightener treatment I'd heard about at the Beauty Nook. But it cost a fortune too.
I pulled back in the booth, not wanting any of these new arrivals to see me with Don Ulrich. Not that my guy was with them. But when I did find him, he might be a Gamma and I wouldn't want any of his frat brothers to have formed any wrong opinions about me.
Then someone yelled from the doorway, "Hey, Jack, make that one more without onions. Kim's changed her mind."
I looked toward the voice and saw him! It was really him! The right one! There wasn't the slightest doubt in my mind.
He was about six-foot-three. Muscular. Not like a football player. More sleek and panther-like. A tennis player, maybe. He had the most handsome face I'd ever seen off a movie screen. Straight, even features which went charmingly lopsided when he grinned and one side of his mouth turned up higher than the other and that one, lone dimple popped into view. His eyes were the bluest I'd ever seen. And this perfection was topped off by shining, bronze curls. He looked just like the pictures of Apollo the sun god.
"What's the matter, Merry?" Don asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
I drug my eyes back to my escort. Don was certainly no Greek god. Not with that lean, angular face and plain brown hair. Who ever heard of a god with a crew-cut?
"Who you looking at?" Don asked, turning his head to see for himself. "Oh, him. Old Speedy."
"Speedy? Is that his name?"
Don turned his attention back to his hamburger. "Naw," he said, between bites. "His name's Val Adams. They call him Speedy because he allows no grass to grow under his feet."
I smiled to myself. "You mean he knows what he wants and goes after it?"
Don nodded. "I mean he's a real go-getter."
Don's words pleased me. This was my type of man. We were alike. I knew what I wanted and went after it too. Now the only thing to do was make Val Adams want me.
I glanced down at my plain, white blouse. Rather prim. Oh, how I wished I'd worn my one good sweater that day. Not that it was cashmere. Far from it. But it was a soft orlon and in a shade of aqua that looked especially good with my hair and complexion. And, most important of all, it really showed what I had between my chin and waist.
Quick doubts flooded my mind. Maybe that wasn't the right approach to Val Adams. Maybe sweaters were out for me. In a sweater, unless maybe it was sizes too big for me, I'd never look like those sorority girls. In a sweater I looked like a hot Saturday night. Those girls looked like Saturday afternoon at the horse show.
But could I ever look that way? Yes I could! With money to buy the right clothes I could learn to look like a lady. Not that all those sorority girls were ladies. Not from what I'd heard about some of them. But I had to admit they looked like the upper crust of respectable society.
Then another thought hit me. Maybe the way to attract Val's attention was by not looking like those girls he was used to. After all, why should he notice me if I looked just like all the others? Yes, since he wasn't in any of my classes and we had no mutual friends to introduce us, I'd have to make a real impression on him by just the way I looked. Later, after I had him hooked, I would show him that I could look and act like the girls in his world.
The Gammas were getting ready to leave now, carrying armloads of hamburgers and cokes. I'd have to do something quick or I'd lose my chance.
I took another quick look down at my prim blouse and decided I could improve it. I undid the top button and pulled the opening wider so that the deep valley between my breasts was generously exposed. Then, quickly, I tucked the blouse in tighter at my waist so that the material was pulled taut across my breasts, making the nipples clearly visible. By the time this was accomplished I was already standing up in the booth.
"Where you going?" Don asked in a puzzled voice. He undoubtedly wondered at the way I was rearranging my clothes but I didn't have time to worry about that.
"To the little girl's room," I answered shortly, moving out of the booth. "But, Merry, hey-"
I ignored him, moving toward the front of Gully's Grill as quickly as I could. This meant that I wasn't going in the direction of the rest rooms, which were at the back. But Val was leaving. My only thought was to get between him and that door. I crossed in front of him. At just that moment, he turned his head and said something to one of the fellows behind him.
"Damn!" I muttered under my breath. He hadn't seen me at all.
I was standing by the counter now. Someone moved off the first stool. On impulse, I slid onto the stool and stretched out my right leg across Val's path.
It was a beautiful tumble. Maybe the boy was an acrobat. He fell forward, dropping hamburgers, but caught himself with his hands on the floor, bending his elbows and knees, then turning himself to one side so that he rolled over on his rump as neatly and smoothly as a movie stunt man trained to take such falls.
I laughed.
He looked up, an angry scowl on his face which faded immediately and was replaced by a look of curiosity and interest.
"Hey, did you do that on purpose?" he asked.
I feigned complete innocence, but I had trouble keeping the corners of my mouth from turning up in impish merriment. "Me?" I asked, laying one hand on my breast in maidenly protest. "How can you even ask such a thing?"
Val didn't move from his position on the floor, but continued to look up at me, studying me through narrowed eyes. The view must have been breathtaking from there. One slim leg still stretched out to its full length, giving the calf its most graceful curve and pulling the skirt tight against the rounded thigh and hip. And above, a tiny waist over which loomed two of the best-looking boobs those young eyes had ever feasted on.
Val leaned back on his arms and stared in frank admiration. "Baby, I don't care if you did do it on purpose. You can trip me up any day in the week."
By that time, the rest of the Gammas had recovered from their surprise and fits of laughter enough to start helping him to his feet. "Come on, clumsy," the one called Jack said, taking one arm and pulling.
Another guy got hold of Val on the other side and tried to lift him. "Yeah. Come on. We haven't got all day."
One of the girls said, "Hey, Marty, see about the hamburgers. Maybe they aren't ruined."
Marty, a short, chubby boy with dark hair and a baby face, picked up the hamburgers and examined them. "They're okay. A little mashed maybe, but what the hell-"
They were leaving then, spilling out the door, talking and laughing. None paid any attention to me except Val. He looked back over his shoulder and gave me a look that told me this wasn't the end for us-only the beginning.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up into Don's scowling dark eyes. "Come on. Let's go."
"But I didn't finish my lunch."
"I finished it for you."
I was surprised. "You ate the rest of my hamburger?" I'd had scarcely three bites of it.
"Yeah. I didn't think you were in any condition to concentrate on food after Speedy came in. And I was hungry."
Heat fanned my cheeks. "Well, of all the-"
"Come on, sexy, let's get out of here." He took my arm and pulled me up off the stool and steered me toward the door.
Outside, the fresh air hit me and I began to cool off. After all, I guess Don had a right to be angry and jealous about the way I'd acted.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"About what?"
"About-well, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But I don't think you are. Sorry, I mean."
"Why not?" I asked, feeling myself getting mad again. After all, I was taking the trouble to apologize. The least he could do was accept what I said.
He took my arm and steered me to the left as we started across the campus.
"Hey. I have to go in the other direction," I cried. "I have a one o'clock in Moody Hall."
"There's plenty of time. I want to talk to you." He kept his grip on my arm and kept moving me across the South Oval toward one of the stone benches near the experimental flower beds.
"Look," I said, "If you're planning on lecturing me on my behavior back there, forget it. You're a nice boy but you don't own me just because I let you buy me a hamburger."
When we reached the bench, Don let go of my arm. "Sit down for a minute, Merry," he said. His voice was gentle now. "Just for a minute. I don't intend to lecture you. I just want to talk to you as a friend. You could use a friend, couldn't you?"
I sank down on the bench, feeling strangely sober. I looked up at Don. His eyes were really very nice and kind. "Yes, I-I guess nobody has too many real friends."
It was true. I wasn't sure that I had ever had a real friend. Except, maybe, for my father.
Don didn't sit beside me but put one foot on the bench and leaned his elbow on his knee. "Merry, I like you," he said. "I know you've got your eye on bigger fish than me. But let me warn you about Val Adams."
My chin came up. I didn't want to hear anything bad about Val. And yet I did want to hear, too. I wanted to learn everything I could about Val Adams.
"What about him?" I asked.
"Well, he's handsome and charming. At least all the girls think so. And he's a Gamma pledge. That seems to make him somebody around here. I don't blame you for wanting him to notice you But I hate to see you get hurt."
"Why should I get hurt?" I asked, defiantly. "I can take care of myself."
Don shook his head and the corners of his mouth lifted in a faint smile. "I don't think you can. I think you're just a small town girl with a lot to learn. And Val Adams is a smooth operator and a guy with his eye on the main chance. I know a lot about him because I know this lady who used to be our neighbor back home. Now she cooks for the Gamma house. And she overhears things."
"What things?"
"Well, the Adams family has no money to speak of. Old man Adams made some bad investments. But Val got pl-edged because he's a 'legacy.' You know what that is?"
"Sure. Somebody that the fraternity feels obligated to pledge because his father was a member."
"That's right. So Val will probably make it if he can keep his grade-point up. But keeping up with the Gammas won't be easy for him without their kind of money. And he's an ambitious lad. He's going to take full advantage of his connections. They say he won't date a girl until he's looked up her old man's raiting in Dun and Bradstreet. How does your old man rate in Dun and Bradstreet, Merry?"
I felt my blood beginning to boil. "The way Val Adams was looking at me today I don't think it would matter."
Don laughed. "He looked. Sure. Any guy who wouldn't look ought to have his male hormones counted. But it cost nothing to look."
I didn't argue anymore with Don. It wasn't any of his business anyway. I went off to my one-o'clock class raging inside at his nerve in saying those things to me.
I'd show him, I thought. I'd make Val Adams fall for me and I didn't need any more equipment than I had. But maybe I found it easier to be mad at Don than to really think about what he said.
A little voice inside me seemed to be warning that maybe Val wasn't the right man for me. Not because he was a smooth operator who would hurt me, as Don said. I didn't believe that. But because his family didn't have, money. I'd told myself that it was just as easy to fall in love win a rich man as a poor one.
But Val wouldn't always be poor. If he was ambitious and, as Don said, allowed no grass to grow under his feet in going after what he wanted ... Well, Val would make good use of his connections and be able to go into some good business when he graduated and he would make money.
Of course, Don was saying Val would only marry a girl who could help him get where he wanted. But if he fell in love with a girl without money he'd change his mind about that. It had happened plenty of times.
Still, maybe I would be making things unnecessarily difficult for myself by concentrating all my efforts on Val. Maybe I should use him only as a stepping stone to someone else. One of his fraternity brothers, maybe. One who had money to start with. Then I remembered the way that guy looked and I knew I was fighting a losing battle with myself.
CHAPTER THREE
After my last class that aftrenoon I trugged across campus, my feet dragging. I was in no hurry to get home and face Mama's nagging because I didn't get the apartment straightened up before I left for school that morning. Mama worked the seven a.m. til four p.m. shift, so she was usually home when I got there.
Suddenly, a happy thought hit me. Maybe she wouldn't be home for another hour. She had said something that morning about looking at a house that was for sale. Mama was still trying to find something she could buy and turn into a rooming house for students. Remembering this, I moved along faster. If I hurried I could get things in order before she got there.
I guess it was because I was hurrying so and, for the first time all afternoon, wasn't thinking about Val Adams, that I didn't hear him calling until he was right behind me.
"Hey, Red, slow down," he called, catching up with me and linking his arm through mine. "Whee!" he panted, trying to catch his breath. "I chased you halfway across this campus."
"Really?" I asked, trying to sound unconcerned. But my voice was as ragged as his. It was almost as if I had been running too. He excited me that much.
"Yeah. Where you headed?" he asked.
"Home."
"Where's home?"
I hated to tell him. I nodded my head in the general direction. "Over that way."
"Well, uh-" He gripped my arm tighter and grinned. "What I mean is, what kind of a setup do you have? Do you live in a dorm, or where?"
I felt a slight stab to my pride that he had just assumed I didn't live in a sorority house. I put the thought out of my mind. "I live with my mother," I said.
"Oh, a town girl." I couldn't tell if there was a note of disappointment in his voice or not. But I didn't say any more. Let him think I lived in a nice house where my family had lived for years.
"Hey," Val said, "how would you like to take a ride? My car's parked right over there." He pointed to one of the student parking lots.
I hesitated. "Well, I don't know if I should." I was thinking about Mama coming home and finding the apartment in a mess.
Val started toward the parking lot, pulling me along with him. "Sure you should. We've got to get better acquainted. You owe me after that spill you gave me. You know, you really injured my dignity." He made a big thing of rubbing his rump with his hand. "I may never recover."
I laughed and put Mama out of my mind. What did a few nasty words from Mama matter when I had a chance to go riding with Val Adams?
The car turned out to be one of the more expensive sports models in fire-engine red. As Val fished under the floor mat for the key, I couldn't help thinking that Don had lied to me about the Adams family not having money. This little beauty had cost a pretty penny!
We drove out into the country. Val drove like the wind. But I didn't mind. The speed, the scenery whizzing by in a blur, the warm September wind whipping my face, fitted perfectly with the mounting excitement inside me. Sitting so close to Val, it was as if I could feel excitement radiating from him. It was like an electric current passing between our bodies.
We didn't talk much as we speeded down the highway. It was as if we both knew where we were going and we didn't want to talk but only to think about what was going to happen. He would try to make love to me before this afternoon was over. I knew it. One part of my mind tried to think logically and tell me that I shouldn't let this happen. At least not on the first date. I didn't want him to think I was too easy to get. But the other part of my mind wasn't listening. It was in too much of a spin of excited anticipation of the moment when his hands would take hold of me and his lips would claim mine.
After a few minutes, he found the country lane he was seeking and slowed the little red car and turned off the highway.
My heart began banging against my ribs even harder and I knew I should say something. "Where are we going?" I asked.
"A place I know."
Then he had been out there before. I wondered who he had taken with him the last time.
After a few minutes we came to another road which was little more than a path cutting through the trees and bushes. He turned the car again and we crept along the almost overgrown road until we came to a clearing. He stopped the car.
I looked around. This place had obviously been used for picnics and weeny-roasts. There was a black spot in the middle of the clearing with the remains of a few charred pieces of wood. And there were two large hollow logs pulled up on either side along with a few large rocks to form a semi-circle.
"Have you been here on parties?" I asked.
"Not really. I only heard about the place. But I thought I could find it." He shrugged. "I've only been in this part of the country since registration. Hardly time to get to know the countryside."
I let my breath out in a rush, only then aware that I had been holding it. I was glad that he hadn't taken any other girl there. It was a lovely spot. A quiet secret spot shut in by soft walls of green.
I felt Val's hand touch my knee and I turned to face him. He leaned forward, making no move to put his arms around me, but continued to feel my knee with gentle inquisitive fingers.
"You're really something. You know that, Red?"
I shook my head. All the brashness I'd felt with Val at Gully's Grill was gone. I felt shy and a little frightened by the strange small tongue of fire that began to lick at my insides when his fingers moved to lightly caress the soft flesh under my knee.
Val said, "Don't give me that. You knew what you were doing when you tripped me. You knew that once I got a good look at you I wouldn't be able to rest until I had that gorgeous trinket dangling from my key chain."
He leaned in closer as he talked. His face was very close to mine and his eyes studied my lips. I could feel his warm breath against my face. My own breath came faster.
"Do you have many trinkets on your key chain?" I asked.
"Only one at a time, baby." His lips touched mine. A shiver broke loose from my belly and trinkled up my spine. "Only one at a time," he murmured against my lips before his mouth claimed mine in a kiss that sent sky rockets shooting through me.
I put my arms around his neck and pulled him close and my hungry mouth sought to devour him. He responded by pulling me closer and moving his body, slightly, so that it fitted more snugly against mine. And just when I felt that this kiss had reached the very peak of pleasure, his tongue pushed past my lips, exploring the inside of my mouth, caressing, searing, sending me out of my mind.
Suddenly, a bell rang somewhere in the back of my passion numbed brain. This was going too far! My blouse was open all the way. I hadn't been aware of just when that happened. Val buried his face in the hollow of my neck, his lips alive on my throat as his fingers worked to free my bra.
I tried to pull away. "No! Please!" I whispered.
He acted as if he hadn't heard me. The bra came loose. My heavy breasts sprang from their confinement. Val moved his head. I jerked back. If those hot lips reached their target, I'd be gone.
"Come on, baby. What are you doing?" Val's voice was thick with passion but overlayed with anger.
"Please! We mustn't!" I felt for the door handle behind my back, found it and opened the door.
"Come on, Red! Don't act like that!"
I slipped from his grasp and almost fell out of the car. Val swore and slid across the seat after me. I stumbled a few feet. My legs felt like rubber. I struggled to get my bra fastened again but I couldn't seem to find the hook.
I heard a noise behind me and glanced back. Val was getting something out of the car trunk. A blanket! I groaned. He didn't intend to let me get off without the full treatment. And I wouldn't be able to tell myself it was rape, because if he got his hands on me again I was afraid I would be helping him.
Unless I could talk him out of it.
Val came toward me but hardly looked at me until he had spread the blanket on the ground in a smooth spot near a big oak tree.
"Look, lover-boy," I said, managing a light laugh. "You said you wanted me to go for a ride with you so we could get acquainted."
Val raised up and looked at me through narrowed eyes. "There's only one way for a man and a woman to get acquainted."
I gave up on fastening the bra and began to button my blouse over those huge free-swinging balloons of mine. "Oh, no there isn't. We need to talk. I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me."
He grinned and that madding dimple popped into view. "I know all I need to know, baby."
I shook my head. "Since you brought this nice blanket," I said, "why don't we sit down and talk and get acquainted?"
"I have a better idea," Val said. "Why don't we lie down and really get to know each other?"
As he said that, he reached out, grabbed my hand and eased himself down on the blanket, pulling me with him. I tried to pull back, but he was too strong. My legs gave way and I tumbled forward. He caught me in his arms, breaking my fall. "Now I've made you take a tumble for me," he said.
I lay against him, panting. "Then we're even,"
"Not yet."
His mouth claimed mine again and this time his whole body seemed to be trying to swallow me up. His mouth drew my lips inside his. His arms wrapped around me. His legs locked around mine. I couldn't struggle even if I had wanted to. It was as if my body didn't belong to me but was a part of his, writhing sensuously there on the blanket, I couldn't tell if it was hours or only moments before he took his mouth away and loosened his grip. As he pulled back a bit I became aware of a throbbing in my breasts. His hard chest pressed against me must have mashed them and hurt them, but I was aware of no pain.
He rolled back and propped himself up on one elbow. With his free hand he began to unbutton my blouse again. I caught his hand with mine. "No! Don't!"
He shook my hand off. "I'm going to baby, whether you want me to or not. But you do want me to. You're only pretending. Admit it."
"No, I don't!" I wasn't pretending. Maybe my body wanted him to do just what he was doing, but my mind told me it would be smarter to make him wait.
He smiled again and placed his free hand over my breast. It filled his hand to overflowing. His strong fingers kneaded the soft flesh for a moment then moved to finger the nipple, lightly.
"No, Val, please!" I whispered, feeling that terrible, exciting hunger spreading over me again as my nipples grew ridged in answer to the question his fingers asked.
He lowered his head and his lips teased my nipple as his fingers had done.
"No...." This time it was more of a sigh.
He raised his head, slightly. "Say you want me to do it. Admit it"
"No ... I don't...."
He slipped an arm under my shoulders and raised me up and pulled my blouse off. Then my bra. When his hand began to pull at my skirt, I cried, "No! Please!"
"I'll stop, baby, anytime you say stop and really mean it."
My skirt was off then, and he was peeling down my nylon panties.
"I do mean it! Please don't do this!" My voice was almost a sob.
He didn't answer for a second, but stared down at my most secret part which lay exposed. His eyes burned hot. It felt almost as if a hot spotlight burned into my flesh, seeking to penetrate and sear the inner most core of my being. I could only lie there, my whole body tense and quivering, while his eyes probed and devoured.
His lower lip curved. "You really mean it, huh? Then why aren't you moving? Nobody's holding you. Why are you lying there like a ripe plum waiting to be picked and eaten?"
His words jarred me into action. I struggled to get up. He put his hand against my shoulder and pushed me back down on the blanket.
"You don't really want to leave, baby." He stood up and began taking off his sport shirt. "You want to stay right here and let me do all the things I want to do to you." He unfastened his pants and stepped out of them. "Only you aren't sure you know all the things I'm going to do to you and you're curious about that." Now he was shucking out of his shorts. "Aren't you curious, baby?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't. All the time he was talking and undressing, his eyes never left mine, and my whole body seemed held in a tight grip by his electric blue eyes. Then I shifted my gaze. What I saw also held me as if hypnotized.
"You like what you see?" There was such assurance in his voice that it was a statement more than a question. "I look good, huh? Well, I feel even better than I look."
With that his body pressed hard against mine and his arms and legs and mouth seemed to mold me right to him. I couldn't tell if my own body writhed against him or not because we were so much one that it was impossible to know where one left off and the other began.
He pulled his mouth from mine, but only a fraction of an inch away. "You want me," he hissed.
"No!" I sobbed, clutching him against me.
He nuzzled his face into the warmth of my neck and kissed the throbbing pulse spot. "You want me," he breathed against my throat. "No...."
His hungry lips moved on down, pressing into the deep crevice between my breasts. "You do! Say it!"
"No...." It was almost a cry of pain as his lips found my breast.
"No ... no...." I moaned. And this time he hadn't asked.
His caress moved on, lingering only moments in any one spot. His inquisitive, scorching lips moved over my ribs, trailed across the white, tauntness of my body. "You want me! Say you want me!"
"No ... no ... no...." I could only moan as my body responded to him.
"Say you want me ... Say it...."
"No...."
"Say you want me or I won't do it!"
"No...."
He moved his body as if to lift it.
I'd die! I'd die if his lips didn't do what his hot breath had promised.
"Say it, damn you, or I won't!"
"Yes ... yes ... Damn you ... I want you...."
After that I was aware only of deepening whirlpools of sensation that spread over me, each circle of joy coming faster in the wake of the one before. Growing ... charging ... swelling....
I was only dimly conscious of the movement that brought him face-to-face with me and of the small, sharp pain that cut me. Those ripples of ecstasy became waves which threatened to drown me. I wanted to drown. I pushed against the waves, beat myself against them until, at last, with a roar, they engulfed me and sucked me under. Rapture exploded deep inside me and I floated on gentle, tingling waves until peace covered me like a blanket and I was still.
Beside me, Val lay motionless, except for the heaving of his chest as his breathing sought to become normal again. Suddenly, a cool breeze fanned across my naked, damp body, chilling. I shivered. I looked up at the sky. The bright sun-washed blue had turned to grey and the shadows of the trees had lengthened and deepened. It was getting toward evening.
Inside me a change was taking place too. First there had been joy, then peace. Then a strange fear in my breast seemed to reach out cold fingers and intwine my most vital organs. I shivered again and turned to Val and crept into his arms for warmth and comfort. .
He didn't respond by pulling me close as I'd wanted him to. Instead, he started to get up. "It's getting late," he said. "We better go."
"Not just yet," I begged, holding on to him. "Stay a minute. I want to tell you something."
He relaxed, putting his arms around me. "Okay, so tell me."
I couldn't say it with him looking into my eyes, so I buried my face in his neck. "I love you, Val. That's why I did it"
"Sure you do, baby." His voice sounded flip. I raised my head and looked at him. "Don't you believe me? Do you think I could possibly have let you...." Anger and hurt pride choked off my words. Oh, I shouldn't have let him. Now he would think I was just a cheap pushover.
His eyes were narrow slits of coldness again. "You didn't let me, baby. You begged me."
Rage hit me. I rolled away from him and scrambled to my feet. I grabbed up my panties from the ground and struggled to get one leg into them. "You'll never get another chance to make me beg," I cried, tears streaming down my cheeks. "If you think I'm just some cheap tramp that you can pick up and-"
My foot caught in the sheer nylon of my panties and the material ripped. Mad as a hornet, I flung the garment to the ground and grabbed up my skirt and climbed into it.
Val laughed, got up and went over to scoop my white panties off the ground. "I'll just keep these as a souvenir," he said, "of one of the easiest and most delicious dishes I ever put away."
I stared at his mocking face and saw red. Val grinned back at me, picked up his jeans and stuffed my underpants into his pocket.
That was the last straw. I flew at him, beating my fists against his chest, screaming, "I hate you! I loath and despise you!"
"Hey, cut it out," Val said, pulling back.
But I wouldn't be stopped. My rage was too great. He had taken the best of me and now he scorned and mocked me. "I could kill you!" I screamed, reaching up with my hands to claw out those mocking eyes.
His fist flew back. The next instant, my whole head exploded. I staggered back and dropped to my knees. Bees seemed to be buzzing around my head. I shook my head to clear it. The bees went away.
Strong arms lifted me. "I'm sorry, baby," Val's voice said. "I didn't mean to hit you so hard."
I struggled against him, still feeling weak as if I might black-out. "Let me go!"
He held me against him. "I'm sorry. I was just teasing you. I didn't know you'd get so mad."
I leaned against him for a moment, grateful for the support, while my brain cleared. Then I moved my head and looked into his face.
He smiled. His eyes were tender now. "I mean it. I was only teasing when I acted like I didn't believe you."
I still wasn't sure if he was being sincere or not. "I was a virgin. You know that, don't you?"
His eyes widened and he glanced away from me for a moment. "Yeah, that's right. You were a virgin." His voice was full of wonder as if he hadn't believed there were any virgins left in the world. "I don't know how you managed to keep it for so long, baby."
I put my hand against his cheek. "I was saving it for the right man, Val."
"And I'm the right man?"
"You sure are." I put every bit of the love I felt into those three words.
He leaned down and his lips brushed mine, warmly. "Then don't you ever forget it, baby."
"I won't. But how about you? You haven't said you love me."
"Of course I love you. How could I help it?"
His words didn't sound as convincing as I would have liked, but I refused to allow that to bother me. He's shy, I thought. For all his forceful manner, he's shy when it comes to putting tender emotions into words. Lots of men were like that, in my mind.
We finished dressing and drove back to town. When I started to get out of the car at the Campus Comer, I asked, "When will I see you again?"
"Soon. I'll call you. By the way, what's your name?"
My face burned with shame, remembering that Val didn't even know my name. "It's Merry Bolin."
"Okay, baby. I'll call you." With a grin and a wave and a screech of tires, he was gone.
I stood on the corner watching the little red car disappear in the traffic. I could still feel my shame in the warmth of my cheeks. Even after he knew my name, he didn't call me by it. "You'll call me by name, Val Adams," I said aloud. "You'll call my name and you'll never forget it!"
CHAPTER FOUR
That was how it started with Val and me. And now, only a week later, I was so in love with him I couldn't break away, even if I'd wanted to. And sometimes I did want to. I may have been a love-slave but I wasn't completely blind to my god's feet of clay. Val, for all his being so handsome and charming and full of sex-appeal that there should have been a law against him, did have his little faults.
For one thing, my second date with him uncovered the fact that that darling little red sports car didn't belong to him. It was the property of one Jack Rollins, a fraternity brother. The same Jack Rollins who was renting my bedroom tomorrow so he could make love to his sorority girl friend, one Carol Knight. And Jack had been real mad at Val for stealing his car even though Val explained that he just "had to have it, old buddy."
I was hurt and disappointed about the car. But I'll admit that I was flattered that getting me alone was important enough to Val that be would risk offending Jack Rollins. Jack was one of the Gamma big wheels and Val was a pledge hanging on by his teeth.
It was all true, what Don told me about Val. His father had lost his money and Val was pl-edged because he was a legacy. And while those clubs aren't supposed to let money make a difference, some of them still do. And it wasn't easy for Val to keep up. It chafed his soul raw that he couldn't throw money around the way the others did.
"Why don't you get a job?" I asked him. "They don't drop pledges for working."
"I know, but you don't understand," he said. "In this town I couldn't find a part-time job where I could earn enough to make it worth while. Student labor isn't worth the price of shoe leather. Besides, I have a hard enough time making my grades without giving up all my study time for some crummy job."
"Also," I added, with an edge of sarcasm, "you need to be free for your real major, Campusology." I'd seen him tearing around town with those frat guys and their snooty girl friends.
Val thought I was referring to the time he spent with me and he gave me a squeeze and said, "You know it, baby. That's my most important subject."
"Well, if you don't think it's worthwhile to get a job you'll have to accept the fact that you don't have much spending money," I said.
"Ha, look who's talking," Val hooted. "I don't notice you working, but seems to me you were saying something about what a nuisance it is to not have money for clothes."
It was true. By then Val knew the truth about my lack of money too. After all, if I was going to date the guy he had to know about my situation sooner or later.
But once things were out in the open, Val and I seemed even closer. We had a lot in common. We both wanted a good life. The things that money and prestige can buy. And we would get them. We both had what it took to get them. And we would get them together. Maybe Val didn't know that yet but I knew it.
It was after Val had to tell me about the car not being his that he talked me into letting him come to my place. "Look, baby-we gotta have someplace where we can be alone. I don't have a car and I can't depend on being able to borrow one. I can't afford motels. Besides, that sort of thing can get sticky. Where else can we go?"
"But Val, I don't like the idea of-"
"Look, baby-you want me to throw you to the ground and rape you right on campus in front of the student body and faculty? That's what I'll be doing if we can't find a place to be alone, because I can't keep my hands off you."
I giggled. It pleased me that he wanted me so much. And I wasn't too sure that he would be the one doing the loving. It just might be me. Now that I'd found out what love was like with Val, I needed it as much as he did.
So I gave in. I was scared to death that Mama might find out. But once we were alone together and Val began to handle me with those eager hands, I forgot everything but how much I loved him and wanted his love.
It was after our second visit to the apartment, as we walked back to school, that I asked him about the big dance the Gammas were throwing for the pledges.
"Damn it, I'd like to take you," Val said. "You'd be the most beautiful girl there, that's for sure. But I can't, I've got to take Kimberly Stufflebean."
"Is she your real girl, Val?" I asked, hating that lump in my throat that threatened tears.
"Hell, no! You're my real gal. You're the one I'm bedding with, baby, and that makes you very real."
"Then why-?"
"Kim's a Chi pledge. She's a 'prize,' as they say around here. One of the few that's got everything going for her. I'm damned lucky she gave me a date. Going out with her will really boost my stock."
"Does that mean you intend to keep me hidden from all your friends?" Maybe I was pushing too hard. Maybe I should have held off until I was sure I was important to him in more than one way. But I just had to ask.
"Look, baby, I'm not ashamed of you, if that's what you mean. But if you mean do I intend to soft-pedal our romance until I'm sure of my footing with the Gammas, you're damned right. I'm taking no chances on blowing that."
I didn't answer. I was afraid to say anything for fear my voice would give away how much he hurt me.
I guess he sensed what I was feeling because he reached over and took my hand-something he never did in front of other people. "I'm sorry, baby. Don't you think I want to shout from the rooftops that you're my girl? Why those frat brothers of mine would turn green with envy if they knew I had a doll like you whose charms were mine anytime I wanted them. They'd be envious but they'd still put a big black mark after my name. There are rules to this game, baby. One of them is that a pledge has to be seen with only the right girls. And I intend to play by the rules-at least until I know I'm in solid."
"And how long do you think that will take?"
Val shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a few months. But don't worry. I'm doing it for us."
"For us, Val?" I laughed, bitterly.
"Sure. You want to go places too, don't you? I can't be of much help to you if I'm a nobody."
I couldn't bear him talking as if my ambition were as hard-hearted as his. Maybe it was at first, but now that I really loved Val...."I'd want you even if you weren't a Gamma," I said.
He laughed. "Yeah, I bet you would."
"I would!" I insisted, hotly.
"Okay, I believe you. I guess I've got the same thing for you that you've got for me. And neither of us is about to give that up."
I looked up into his face and the way his hot eyes seemed to undress me, I had little doubt as to what he was talking about.
"It's a shame," Val went on, "that we couldn't fall for the right people. But, hell, I've got what it takes to be one of the right people. And I've got the connection. I've got my foot in the door. You stick with me, baby, and play your cards right and I'll take you with me all the way to the top."
"How do I know you will?" I asked, peevishly. "Maybe you'll end up marrying that Kimberly What's-her-name. That would really get you in good and solid."
"That slow swallow of hike-warm soup? Not me! In the first place, I'm not acquiring a ball and chain any time soon. But when I am ready to settle down I'm more interested in a woman that feels good in bed than one who looks at home at a society tea."
I shrugged. "I've seen her around campus. She doesn't look so bad." As a matter-of-fact, I'd have given most anything to have Kimberly's class. One look at her shining, dark hair and slim, exquisitely dressed figure and you knew she was born to all the good things in life. That's why I would have hated her even if Val hadn't been dating her.
Val squeezed my hand. 'She hasn't got half what you've got, baby," he said. "Don't let those stories about sorority girls being hot numbers fool you. Sure, a lot of them play around. But that's only because if s the 'in' thing to do this season. They take up love in the same way they would take up any other hobby. And with the same amount of enthusiasm. This year it's love and group-analysis. Next year it will probably be bird-watching and interpretive dancing."
I couldn't help laughing, but I still had to ask, "Has Kimberly played around with you?"
Val grinned down at me, making my heart flip over. "Not yet, baby. I'm teasing her and holding out. Maybe I can get what I want from her without having to make the supreme sacrifice."
I didn't believe him, but I pretended I did. I knew that if I wanted to keep Val I'd have to go along on his terms. At least for the moment.
It was later that afternoon that I paid a visit to the Campus Smart Shop and charged one blue-wool skirt and matching cashmere sweater. I hadn't the faintest idea how I would pay for them, but I'd find a way. I just had to have some decent clothes. Val might say that he would take me to frat affairs as soon as he knew his position was secure, but I figured I could bring him around to my way of thinking quicker if I could show him that I could look the part.
As I hurried across the South Oval on the way to class, I thought about those clothes and couldn't help being glad that I'd agreed to let Jack and Carol use the room. Now I'd be able to pay the Smart Shop, at least. And if, as Val thought, they might want to use it regularly and pay on a weekly or monthly basis, maybe I'd have enough money to get another couple of outfits. I could really use the clothes.
And I could explain the new clothes to Mama by telling her that I was doing some tutoring in French. I was good at French. Suddenly, another idea hit me. In fact, why not use the tutoring bit to explain an extra hour of freedom in the afternoons? That would give me some time to be with Val now that we couldn't count on having the apartment at noon. The only problem now was a place where we could be alone. But I wasn't really worried about that. Old hot Val would find a way.
I managed to put all worry about Jack and Carol using the apartment out of my mind until the next day when I walked out of Education 101 with Don.
Don usually walked out of class with me but he always went his own way when he saw Val headed toward us. Don still spoke casually about me giving him a date sometime but he no longer invited me for lunch. He knew I always had lunch with Val. But he didn't know our lunch consisted of hurried sex and cold hamburgers. If Don had known the truth he wouldn't have had anything to do with me. I had Don Ulrich pigeon-holed, all right. He was an all-around swell fellow, but when it came to sex he was a square.
But today, as we walked down the steps of the Education building, I looked around and didn't see Val anyplace. I had given him my key to the apartment so he could have a duplicate made for Jack. It would be just like Val, I thought, bitterly, not even to show up for lunch today since he knew we couldn't go to the apartment.
This thought made me go blue and depressed inside. I couldn't bear having a brooding lunch all by myself. When Don made some remark about Val not being around as usual, I said, "Oh, I'm not expecting him today. In fact, I doubt that we will be having lunch together much from now on."
"Oh?" Don's dark eyes brightened. "Does this mean that the big romance with Speedy Adams is over?"
I felt a tinge of resentment against him. I didn't like it when Don called Val "Speedy."
"Not necessarily," I answered. "I'll still see him some. But we aren't going steady."
"I knew that," Don said. "Old Speedy can't resist a beautiful girl like you but he's not about to go steady with any non-society babe."
"You sure think you know it all, Don Ulrich," I said.
"Sorry, Merry," Don apologized. "I didn't mean to sound smug. And you're right. There are plenty of things I don't know. Like why you go for a phony like that when you're so much better than he is."
My heart felt very heavy in me. I wasn't better than Val. We were cut from the same bolt. And neither of us was as good as Don. "Maybe I'm a phony too," I said.
He laughed. "Hey, be careful what you say. You're talking about a friend of mine."
I laughed too. Don was my friend, and I was glad. Maybe I'd even go to lunch with him today if he asked me.
But he didn't get a chance. At that moment I looked up and saw Val loping toward us across the South Oval. My heart began to hammer in excitement. He was going to spend the hour with ma Maybe he had even found another place where we could go to be alone.
Don was forgotten. I scarcely heard him when he said "Well, it looks like your Prince Charming has shown up after all, so I'll just fade. See you tomorrow, Merry."
Don disappeared into the crowd of hungry State students swarming over the campus like ants, all on their way to their favorite eating places.
"Hi, Val," I called, breaking into a smile.
"Hi, and come on," Val said. "We've got to hurry."
"Where to?"
"The apartment. I'm not sure if Jack can make it or not. So we might as well go on over."
"But Val-"
"Look, it won't make any difference. He wasn't sure because he hadn't sprung it on Carol yet. But if they don't come today, they'll come tomorrow."
"Tomorrow's Sunday."
"Then next week. What difference does it make?"
I hurried along with him. We didn't even take time to pick up lunch, but went right to the apartment. While we waited, Val smoked a cigarette and paced the floor, nervously.
I sat at the table watching him. "Relax, Val," I said. "You're about to pop at the seams." It annoyed me that he would rather pace the floor than make love to me.
After all, there was no reason why we couldn't neck a bit while we waited.
He paid no attention. He just lit another cigarette and pulled back the kitchen curtain for the forty-eleventh time to peep out. As I watched him, my desire grew. He was such a beautiful animal. Those white cord pants could have been painted on him, the way they fit so tight. When he walked, the material stretched even tighter across the muscles of his thighs and his small, hard buttocks.
I leaned my arms on the table and gave myself over to watching Val and undressing him in my mind. After all, I knew what those muscles looked like under those tight pants. And I knew what they felt like too. I shivered at the picture in my mind of Val pressing his hardness against my yielding softness. Funny how men were hard where women were soft and what a lovely arrangement it was.
"What are you snuling at, dreamy-eyes?" Val asked. "From the look on your face I'd say your mind was miles away."
"Not that far away, Val," I said, surprised at the way my voice came out so husky.
His own bright-blue eyes darted to the open bedroom door. "No farther away than the bedroom, huh?"
I didn't answer, but I know I blushed because he'd guessed what I was thinking. Maybe when a woman wants a man she gives off a scent, I thought, wondering if that was how Val read my mind so easily.
He came toward me. "I guess we are wasting valuable time." He took my hand and pulled me up out of the chair and slipped an arm around my waist. Holding me against him, our faces only an inch apart, he lifted my skirt with his free hand and, without wasting any time on preliminaries, slipped past the leg band of my panties and found my most sensitive spot with his strong finger.
I gasped in surprise and pleasure.
Val laughed. "That's what I like about you, baby. You're a quick-hot. Most girls you'd have to spend hours on preliminaries before they would let you do that. But you-I could take you right now and you'd be ready."
His mouth was so close to mine as he talked I felt I'd die if he didn't kiss me. "I like the preliminaries too," I whispered.
"So do I, baby. But sometimes you want them and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't want to waste time. You'd rather go right to the heart of the matter with no stops along the way."
A big, aching fear opened inside me. Did he mean he wasn't going to kiss me? Not move his fingers and lips over me, playing on my body until every last string of desire had been drawn as tight as possible? Was he going to deny me all those marvelously teasing sensations I so looked forward to?
"Here! Feel!" He took my hand and pressed my palm against him. I felt the hard swelling. "You're as ready as I am, aren't you?"
His hot eyes burned into mine. I knew what he wanted me to say and I had to say it even if it wasn't true. "Yes! Yes!"
With an almost frantic movement he grabbed the waist band of my panties and ripped them off, splitting the nylon from top to bottom. Then, holding my skirt out of the way, his other hand left my point of throbbing desire to tug at the opening of his trousers.
Suddenly, an unexpected sound cut through my passion fogged brain. A key grated in the lock and the kitchen door swung open. Jack and Carol stood there.
Val dropped my skirt like it was on fire. Jack's mouth flew open. I caught only a quick glimpse of Carol's pale, shocked face before she ducked out of sight behind Jack's hulking, six-foot frame. My own face felt as if it had been splashed with boiling oil and my whole body trembled in shame and guilt at having been caught that way.
Jack made an effort to get his composure back. "Hey, man, weren't you expecting us?"
Val, too, was fighting to play it cool-though it was obvious he didn't feel that way. "Sure, man. I mean, we had about given you up-but come on in." As he spoke, he managed to get his pants fastened.
Jack took a couple of steps inside. Carol followed, still trying to keep as well hidden behind Jack as possible. I felt a moment of pity for her. Naturally, she hadn't expected to find us here. I darted a quick look around for my panties. They were on the floor at my feet.
"Well, look, man," Jack said, spreading his hands in a nervous gesture, "what's the deal here? If it isn't okay-" and waved an arm toward the bedroom. "The room is all yours."
Jack threw me a smirking, embarrassed grin then turned to Carol. "Come on, doll." He took her hand.
She held back, her eyes on the floor. Carol was a rather thin, prim-looking girl with plain, brown hair and pale eyes of an indeterminate color. "I-I don't think we better...."
"Don't be silly," Jack chided her. "Val and Red know the score. No need to worry about them. Come on." He moved into the room, pulling her along after him. As they passed us, Carol turned her face away very deliberately. The bedroom door closed behind them.
"Val, how could you?" I asked. "How awful for them! And we-we were practically-" I shook my head in angry frustration, my face still burning hot with the embarrassment I'd felt. I was only grateful that they hadn't opened that door a few moments later and found us in bed.
Val shrugged. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't think they were coming. Besides, you made me forget everything else."
He reached for me again. I pulled back. "Let's get out of here."
"We don't have to be in any hurry to leave now," he argued. "They won't be coming out of there for at least thirty or forty minutes," He glanced at the wall clock. It said twelve-eighteen. "We've got plenty of time to finish what we started."
"But where-?" I glanced around the kitchen which contained nothing but the most essential kitchen furniture.
"We don't need a bed, baby," Val said, pulling me toward him. "We don't need nothing but each other."
"No, Val, I won't-" I resisted him as he sought to pull up my skirt. I couldn't bear the thought of him taking me there on the hard, kitchen floor with two strangers in the next room.
Val's eyes narrowed to angry slits. "Yes, you will, baby." He grabbed my hand and thrust it inside his pants, which he had opened again. This time I felt his bare flesh, hard and throbbing. "You feel that?" he asked. "You gave it to me and I don't aim to waste it."
I began to cry.
"Shut up! You want them to hear?" he hissed. With that, he shook off his jeans and sat down on the floor, pulling me down with him. In the next instant, he climbed on top of me, impaled me and began his frantic thrusts, pounding against me again and again in an effort to bring himself to climax.
I shut my eyes, choked back my tears and thought to myself, Now I know what it is to be raped.
I felt as if that terrible pounding was beating my body to a pulp. My legs began to cramp from their unnatural position. His grunts and moans were so animalistic they filled me with unbearable disgust. Is this the way it had been before? Had my own passion blotted out awareness of what he was really doing? Had I behaved in the same ugly way?
In a few minutes, it was over. I knew it was only a few minutes because the hands of the clock had moved such a short distance. But it had seemed an eternity that I had been thrashed about on that hard floor like some defenseless wild creature being ripped to shreds by a ravenous jungle beast.
Val rolled off me and lay on his back. I drew my legs together, feeling the pain in them, then sat up. I didn't look at Val. I could hear his ragged breathing and I hated him. I got to my feet, smoothed down my skirt and picked up my pants. They were ruined. But I couldn't leave them for Mama to find. I found my purse and stuffed the torn panties inside. Still without looking at Val, I took out my mirror and comb and tried to restore some order to my wildly desheveled hair.
Behind me, I heard Val get to his feet and climb back into his jeans. As soon as I looked fairly presentable I headed for the kitchen door.
"Hey wait a minute," Val said, in a low voice, I guess he was remembering Jack and Carol were still in the bedroom.
I didn't answer and I didn't wait. I went on outside and hurried up the path. Val caught up with me at the gate. He grabbed my arm. "Hey-slow down, baby. You aren't mad, are you?"
I jerked open the gate. "Yes, I'm mad."
"But why?" His voice tried to sound innocent, but he didn't fool me.
I didn't answer, but started on down the street toward the campus. Val moved along beside me, still talking.
"Knock it off, baby, I know it wasn't the best deal in the world-but it was better than nothing. I didn't want to go around the rest of the day so worked up I wouldn't be good for a godamn thing. And I didn't want you to suffer like that either. I knew you needed it as badly as I did."
I darted a quick, angry look at him but didn't say anything. He caught my arm. "Hey, wait a minute." He stopped me on the sidewalk and forced me to turn and face him. His eyes probed my face. "Hey, you didn't get yours, did you? I should have known, but I was too busy at the time to think about it. You didn't come off at all, did you baby?"
I stared at him, defiantly. "No. How could I under those circumstances?"
He turned lose of my arm. "I guess you aren't as great in that department as I thought you were."
I didn't like him saying that. "Oh, I could have if I'd wanted to," I lied. "But I was mad and I wasn't about to give you the satisfaction of thinking I couldn't resist you when I really wanted to."
"Yeah?" he asked and fell into step beside me again. "Well, okay. So what were you mad about?"
"I was mad because you took me there when you knew Carol and Jack were coming."
"But I didn't know for sure."
"Then you shouldn't have tried to make love to me until you were sure."
"Look, baby. You issued the invitation. You gave me the come-on, the way you were looking at me."
"I didn't," I insisted, hotly. "And I don't like the way you just grabbed and didn't even bother to act like I was a person at all-but just a female body. And I don't like the way you never call me by my name." I was crying again, tears trickling down my cheeks and I didn't care.
"I do too call you by your name."
"You don't. You call me baby and Red. I don't think you even remember my name."
Val linked his arm through mine. "Your name is Merry. It's a beautiful name. Like Christmas bells." His voice was unexpectedly tender. I melted inside. That was all I wanted from Val. To be treated like somebody he cared for not just somebody to be used.
"It won't be like that ever again, Merry. I promise. Do you believe me?"
I snuffed back the tears and wiped the back of my hand across my damp cheek. "I guess so," I said.
"Good. And now that that's settled, let's get a bite to eat. We still have ten minutes."
I went along with him to Gully's Grill, hating myself for my tears and promising myself I wouldn't lose control again.
CHAPTER FIVE
I SAW VAL THE NEXT day at noon and he gave me five dollars. I stared at the bill.
"He paid five dollars for using that room one hour?"
"No. That's for a week in advance. They may not go every day, but the apartment is there from twelve till one, Monday through Friday any time they want it."
"But five dollars isn't enough, Val. Not for a whole week. And not for the chances I'm taking."
"He's paying ten dollars a week, Merry," Val explained. "Surely you want me to have my cut, don't you?"
Well, when he put it that way, I guessed he was entitled to a cut since he'd made the arrangements. But since I was the one who would be in trouble in case Mama found out, I thought I deserved more than half.
But I didn't say anything. I knew Val needed money as badly as I did and five dollars a week extra would help a lot. I could soon pay off my bill at the Smart Shop. And if they kept on renting the room I could buy some more clothes and, maybe, start getting my hair done at The Beauty Nook.
"How would you like to double that, Merry?" Val asked.
"How?" I asked, wondering what scheme he had up his sleeve now.
Val grinned. "I know another guy who will pay the same amount to use the apartment between three and four."
I was shocked that he would ask. "I couldn't do that. Mama gets off work at four."
"Okay, so she gets off at four. How long does it take her to get home? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? They'll be safely gone."
"But I don't feel right about it Val. I mean it'll be almost as if I were running a-"
"A whorehouse?" Val laughed. "Look at it this way, baby. You aren't running a whorehouse. You're giving lovers a chance to be alone. Besides, if what we're doing is wrong, it isn't any more wrong to help two couples than to help one. In other words, the crime isn't doubled but the pay is. You could use another five bucks a week, couldn't you, baby?"
Could I? He didn't need to ask. "Okay," I said, pushing my fears to the back of my mind. "On one condition. They've got to promise to leave the room just like they found it. And that goes for Jack and Carol too. Yesterday, when I got home, there were long, black hairs on the wash basin in the bathroom. Since Mama and I both have red hair-"
"Hell," Val interrupted, "you could have told your mother you had a girl friend over for a visit and she combed her hair. You worry too much."
"I also found in the waste basket one small cardboard box which my mother would never believe belonged to a girl friend."
Val grinned again and the dimple played in and out of his cheek in a most charming manner. "Oh, that. Well. I'll tell the guys to be careful what they leave around. But even if they get careless, you're out of class by four. You can run home and check to see things are in order."
After that Jack and Carol, as well as the new couple, were careful. But I still hurried to the apartment each afternoon to check it over before Mama got home. And every time I went in or out of the place, I looked all around to see if any of the neighbors were watching, suspiciously. But they never were. I guess it was like Val said-in that kind of a neighborhood where students were going and coming all the time, who was going to notice?
I didn't see Val for over a week. At least I didn't see him to talk to him. Apparently, he didn't feel any need to be with me unless he had business or wanted to make love to me. And apparently, he hadn't found another place where we could be alone, even though I'd told him that I was going to tell Mama that I was doing some tutoring so that I could get a free hour away in the afternoons or the evening.
It hurt me that Val could stay away from me so easily. I wondered if he was making love to someone else. With his passionate nature, I couldn't see him doing without for very long.
Maybe he had decided to make the "supreme sacrifice" with Kimberly Stufflebean. I'd seen him drive by with her once. They had been in her white convertible. They had been laughing and talking and Val hadn't even noticed me standing on the curb.
And, once, I'd seen him sitting on the library steps with a couple of other Gammas and two girls. Kim was one of them. I'd had a sudden impulse to go up to him and say hello, but my nerve failed me. Val would have been mad if I had. Besides, I'd promised to play it his way until he was sure he was in solid with the Gammas. But that didn't mean I'd agreed to not see him at all. I was really beginning to worry about that.
The worst time of all was Saturday night. The night of the Gamma Pledge Dance. I stayed home and tried to study, but I couldn't. I kept thinking that only five blocks away at the Gamma House Val was dancing and laughing and having a fine time while I sat home and felt miserable. Val was holding Kimberly Stufflebean in his arms while my whole body ached with longing for him.
I wondered if he was doing even more than holding her in his arms. Like taking her out on the terrace and kissing her. Maybe, after the dance was over, they would go out in that white convertible of hers and he would use his hot hands and hot mouth to excite her until she let him do everything to her that I had let him do to me.
I slammed my French book shut and stood up.
Mama looked up from where she was washing beans at the sink, preparing to put them to soak over night. "What's the matter, Merry?" she asked.
"I uh-I've got to go to the library. I forgot to check out a book I need." I went into the bedroom and got my jacket.
"You're going to the library right now?" Mama asked.
"It stays open late on Saturday nights. I won't be long."
I had to get out of the house. I had to move. Work off some of the tension. I hadn't had in mind going to the Gamma House when I started out, but I soon found myself walking down Elm. Ahead of me I could see the house all lit up like a Christmas tree, and the sound of a rock group poured out into the Indian Summer night.
I paused, wanting to go closer and see what I could see through the big French doors that opened onto the terrace. But I was afraid. What if somebody came out and saw me? But that was silly. No one could see me even if they came out. Not if I hid in the shrubbery next to the terrace.
Irresistably, I was drawn toward the house. It was as if I were a cobra charmed by the sound of the music and couldn't stop going toward it. I slipped into the tall bushes, unmindful of the rough branches scratching my arms and legs. The music was very loud now as the group blared. I put my hands on the railing of the terrace and stood on tiptoe and looked through the French doors.
It was an informal dance so the girls were in nice but not-too-extreme dresses and the boys wore slacks and dark jackets. I couldn't see Val, though I recognized some of the others.
A couple separated themselves from the group of bouncing, jerking bodies and moved toward the door. It was Jack and Carol. I sank back into the bushes so I couldn't be seen.
They walked over very close to the railing where I stood and went into each others arms and kissed. I watched, interested and pleased to see that Jack's technique wasn't nearly as good as Val's. In fact, the big dope of a fotball player handled her like he was a big, brown bear and she was a newly discovered beehive. He wanted the honey but he was afraid of being stung.
But he didn't need to be so afraid of her. Carol wasn't about to sting anybody. She held herself stiff and motionless in his arms, giving nothing. I wondered what had gone on in the bedroom of my apartment that day. Did Carol just lie there like she was dead while Jack used her? If she was all that frigid, why did she agree to go to the apartment with him?
After Carol had endured his fumbling for a few seconds, she pushed Jack away. "Cut it out," she said peevishly. "Somebody might see us."
Jack pulled away like an obedient little boy. "I guess you're right. We better save it for tomorrow at the room."
Carol shrugged her narrow shoulders. "We can't go there tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday."
"Yeah. I forgot," Jack said, taking out his handkerchief and mopping his red, perspiring face. "I don't know if I can wait until Monday. You really do things to me, baby." His voice was ragged. He was really worked up by that one-sided kiss.
Boy, I thought-some men can get steamed up over just anything. I wondered how Jack would act if a real woman ever gave him what I gave Val. I laughed inside myself at the thought. I'll bet he would really come unglued. I made a mental note to ask Val how much money Carol Knight's father had. It must be plenty to make Jack single her out for such attention. Jack wasn't in Val's class when it came to charm and smoothness. But he did have a certain masculine appeal just because of the size of him. And he was a football hero.
Carol sat down on the terrace railing. "Give me a cigarette," she commanded.
Jack took a pack from his coat pocket, lit one and gave it to her. I guess Jack didn't smoke because of football.
She took a big drag, inhaled and slowly let the smoke out about the time I'd decided she had swallowed it for good. There's a lung case in the making. I thought. With her shallow chest and the way she inhales. I'd thought about taking up smoking myself because it seemed sophisticated. But, mostly, I was glad I hadn't.
"I don't really like going there, Jack," Carol said.
"It beats a motel," Jack said.
"Maybe so. But I don't like that girl who lives there."
"Merry?"
"Is that her name? I mean, she's so cheap-looking. I don't trust her."
At the mention of my name, I shrank deeper into the shadows. I'd die if they caught me eavesdropping.
"Merry's okay," Jack assured her. "Val's got her under his thumb."
"That's another thing," Carol complained. "Kim is my sorority sister. I don't like the idea of Val running around with a cheap sex-pot like that behind Kim's back."
"She don't mean anything to Val. You think a tramp like that could possibly mean anything to a swell guy like Val Adams?"
Carol flipped her cigarette away. It cut a glowing arch over the railing and landed on the lawn. "Okay, so maybe he's not in love with her. He's still playing around, and Kim would be hurt if she knew."
"Look, Carol, take it from one who knows-Val isn't two-timing Kim. Not really. He's just using her."
"What do you mean? Aren't they-?" She broke off as if she couldn't find a word delicate enough to express her meaning.
"No they aren't," Jack said. "This little broad has the hots for our boy all right. Also, she thinks she can make it up the social ladder that way. So Val's giving her just enough encouragement to keep her thinking she's got a chance and to keep her believing the way in is through that apartment of hers."
Carol laughed. "She must be a real sap."
Jack laughed too. "She is-but what do we care? She's furnishing us a cozy place to spend our off hours. Val said maybe he could even talk her into leaving coffee and sandwiches for us."
"Neat," Carol said. "But what about when she catches on that she can't make it that way?"
"Don't worry about that, Doll. Just trust old Val. He's one smart cookie. By the time Merry catches on that she isn't going to get what she wants out of this deal, she'll be in too deep to rat on anybody without getting herself into hot water with the dean."
I stood there in the bushes outside the Gamma House long after Jack and Carol had gone back inside. I leaned against the side of the terrace and pulled my jacket tight around me to stop my shaking. But I couldn't stop any more than I could have put my hands over my ears to shut out what they had been saying.
It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. Jack was just telling Carol that because he was afraid she might queer things between Kim and Val by telling her about me. But if it was true? If Val was just using me?
I shook my head to clear it of such notions. But it couldn't be true. I was being a fool to pay attention to anything Jack said. After all, he was dead wrong about one thing. Val and I were lovers. That boy couldn't wait to get into my pants and couldn't stay out of them once he found out what I had to offer.
If Jack Rollins was too stupid to know the truth about that, what reason was there for thinking he knew the truth about anything?
And that Carol Knight-where did she get off calling me cheap? That flat-chested, pasty-faced creep?
After a few minutes of calling them names I felt better. I turned my attention back to trying to catch a glimpse of Val through the French doors. I pressed tight against the railing and my eyes searched among the dancers. Now the group was playing a slow number and the couples swayed dreamily, locked in each other's arms.
Suddenly, I spotted his shining, blond head. It was bent to rest against the top of Kimberly Stufflebean's perfect, dark hairdo. I caught my breath at the sight of them.
Just then they moved to the edge of the crowd of dancers. I could see the length of his tall, muscular body molded to her svelte, elegant frame. The thinnest sheet of tissue paper wouldn't have passed between them. Did he have to hold her so closely? my aching heart asked.
I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. They shouldn't look so right together. As if they came from the same world. Could I ever look that way dancing with Val? With all the right clothes and coiffures, would I look as much like I belonged in his arms as Kim looked that moment?
Suddenly, Kim leaned her head back and smiled up into his face. He said something and she smiled again. Then as she settled her head back on his shoulder, he leaned down and pressed his lips against her temple.
A sob tore from me. I couldn't watch them any longer. I pushed my way out of the bushes and broke into a run. I couldn't bear the pain inside me.
Several minutes later, my legs aching and my chest pounding, I came to a stop and leaned against the side of a building, trying to get my breath. Several students on their way to the movies passed along the sidewalk and stared at me curiously. I ignored them. What did they matter? They were nobodies. I was the only one who mattered. And Val.
CHAPTER SIX
The running had at least worked off some of the tension I'd felt. Still, I couldn't face the prospect of going home. Mama would be sure to notice something was wrong. Maybe I should slip into the movie too. But it was Saturday night. Date night. I'd be the only one in that theatre alone. I couldn't face that.
What I needed was somebody to talk to. Somebody to be with until my feeling of depression went away. I laughed at the irony of me, Merry Bolin, not having a date on Saturday night. What would the kids back in Willow Grove think? But I could find a date easily enough. AH I had to do was walk into the drug store or Gully's Grill or most any other place where there were male students, and I could have had a date in ten minutes.
But that wasn't what I wanted. Tonight I needed a friend. Someone I could relax with. But I didn't have any friends at school. I'd been so determined not to get in with the wrong crowd that I'd shied away from making friends with any of the students who might have wanted to know me better.
Except Don Ulrich. Now there was a nice, comfortable friend to spend a gloomy evening with. But Don would be working at the Bigger Burger, a drive-in eating place near campus. But why not walk over there and get a hamburger or malt? It would be something to do to keep from going home.
I was only a couple of blocks from the Bigger Burger. But first I went in the rest room of a service station and used my compact and lipstick. No point in letting anybody see that I'd been crying.
When I got to the Bigger Burger I saw Don right away. He was working behind the counter, a big apron tied around his lanky frame. There were no customers inside and only three cars outside. I figured it was too late for the supper crowd and too early for the kids who would show up after the parties.
Don broke into a grin when I slid onto a stool. "Hi, Merry. What you doing alone on a Saturday night?"
That was the worst possible thing he could have asked. Suddenly, I regretted my impulse to come to the Bigger Burger. Almost a feeling of panic hit me. I laughed to cover up, but I knew my laugh sounded shrill and unnatural.
"It was just one of those nights, Don," I said, trying desperately, to sound gay. "I thought I couldn't go anyplace because I needed to study for a French test. But, suddenly, I just couldn't face those books another minute. So I thought I'd get out and stretch my legs and have a bite of something before trying books again."
Sounds like a sensible idea," Don said. I wondered if he was fooled at all. His eyes were studying me strangely. "What will you have?" he asked.
I shrugged as if it didn't matter. "Surprise me. I feel like indulging myself."
Don grinned again. "I've got just the thing to cure those blues."
I started to protest that I didn't feel blue. But Don had moved away from the counter. Besides, he knew. Don was a very sensitive boy.
A few minutes later he sat the most beautiful concoction of ice cream, nuts and gooey syrup in front of me. It was a symphony of wild colors.
I clapped my hands in delight. "It's gorgeous. What is it?" I cried.
"Something I created myself. I call it Old Doc Ulrich's Handy-Dandy Morale Booster."
"It won't make me sick?"
Don shrugged. "It may, but I guarantee it will be worth it."
I laughed, grabbed my spoon and dove in. I felt better already. But the mood didn't last. A couple of students came in and sat at the other end of the counter. Don moved away to wait on them. Suddenly, I was very self-conscious about sitting there all alone with that monstrous sundae in front of me.
And I couldn't keep from watching the couple. The girl was just a girl. But the boy looked enough like Val that my heart did a somersault. He wasn't nearly as handsome as Val, of course. But he was built like Val, with the same tall, panther-like grace when he moved. And he was also a blond.
And, to make matters worse, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. She kept hanging onto his arm and giggling at everything he said. And he kept slipping his arm around her waist and squeezing. It was disgusting ... and tormenting.
The ache was back in my chest and hot tears pushed at my eyelids.
"What's wrong, Merry?" Don's voice asked at my elbow. I hadn't realized he was near me again.
I opened my mouth to say something flip, but the words stuck in my throat and the hot tears sprang into my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I was so embarrassed to cry in public that way. I whirled on my stool and ran out of the place.
"Wait, Merry," Don called. He overtook me outside and held onto my arm. "Let me go!" I cried.
"Look," Don said, still holding my arm tight. "Hang around until I can make arrangements, and I'll take you home."
I shook my head. I couldn't go home and I couldn't hang around there. I didn't know what I wanted to do.
"You can't go running around town in this state," Don said. "I'll tell you what to do. Around back there's a black car with one green fender and one brown fender and the glass broken out of one of the headlights. It's mine. Why don't you go around there and lie down in the back seat for a few minutes until you're feeling better?"
I looked at him through a mist of tears. Funny how I'd never noticed before how kind his eyes were.
He let go of my arm. "You go on now. That's a good girl. Everything will be all right."
His kind words were all I needed to set me off again. The tears came welling up and gushing out. I broke away from him but this time I hurried back of the building, located Don's car and climbed inside.
Then I really cut lose with the tears. I hadn't cried like that since Daddy died. And tonight, missing Daddy was all tied up in my confused emotions with missing Val and feeling guilty about the way I'd let Val use me.
I didn't try to reason things out. I just let the tears flow until I was all cried out. Then I continued to lie there on the car seat, feeling nothing but weariness.
I heard movement near me and raised up. Don was standing there. "Feeling better?" he asked.
I nodded. "How long have you been standing there?"
"I just walked up," he answered. I was sure he was lying to save me the humiliation of knowing he had been listening to me bawl.
He opened the door and slid in under the wheel. "I'm taking you home," he announced. "But I don't run a taxi service, so climb up front with me."
I did as he said, climbing over the back of the seat. As I swung my leg over, my skirt rode up high on my thigh. Don's eyes bugged at the sight.
"Watch it, girl," he laughed. "I'm just a simple country boy. I'm not used to such heady sights."
I laughed and scrambled down onto the seat, pulling my skirt down, primly. I hoped he didn't think I'd exposed my leg on purpose just to see if I could get a rise out of him. It was the sort of thing I might have done under other circumstances. But tonight, with Don, I'd had no such thing in mind. Still, Don's admiring gaze and complimentary words were balm to my wounded vanity.
He started the car. It backfired once and took off with a jerk. "She ain't exactly a Mustang," he explained. "More like a mule. But she'll get you there. Most of the time, anyway."
I laughed. Tonight I didn't care that I was riding in a jalopy. It was sort of comfortable. And Don was comfortable to be with. "How did you get off early on a Saturday night?" I asked.
"Just told them it was an emergency. I'm quitting anyway. Got a new job starting Monday."
"I hope it's a good one."
"It's a hell of a lot better than the Bigger Burger."
We rode along in silence until we got to the Campus Corner. Then Don asked, "Where do you live, Merry?"
"I don't want to go home. Please, Don, don't take me home."
"Okay. Then where do you want to go? You name it."
"What I'd really like to do is go someplace and get drunk," I told him.
"Now you know you can't do that, little one. You're under legal drinking age."
"How do you know?" I teased. "I know."
"Then can't we just drive around for a while?"
"Sure."
We were in a quiet, residential part of town now. As we passed under a street light Don looked at me and said, "You've got black stuff under your eyes."
Damn! Why couldn't a girl cry without her mascara running? I fumbled in my purse for a tissue but seemed to be fresh out.
"Try the glove compartment," Don suggested.
I opened the glove compartment and felt inside for a tissue box. I found it and I found something else. My fingers touched cool, smooth glass. I pulled out a quarter-full bottle of Scotch.
"Did you find it?" Don asked, his eyes still on the road.
"Yes, and that's not all I found."
He glanced over to see the bottle.
"Ho, ho," he hooted. "My secret's out. Now you know about my addiction to good Scotch."
"Is this good?" I examined the label. I didn't know much about liquor.
"The best," Don said. "Costs a fortune. That's why I try to make one bottle last a long time. I really can't afford it, but it's my one extravagance."
"It's really good, huh?" I said, unscrewing the top and raising the bottle to my lips.
"Hey, put that back. I didn't say you could have a drink."
The liquid scorched my throat as it went down and I began to sputter and cough. It wasn't my first drink, but I'd never had enough to get used to the raw taste. But I liked the warm feeling it gave when it hit my guts. So, as soon as the coughing was under control, I raised the bottle and took another swallow.
Don reached over and made a grab for the bottle. "I said, don't drink that. You want me charged with corrupting an innocent teen-age girl?"
"You're too late for that, buster. You should have come along sooner." The liquor was making me bold. And I liked the way I was beginning to feel. So I took another swallow.
"Damn it, Merry! I told you to stop that!" Don swerved the car to the curb. Then he reached for the bottle.
I held it away from him. "You can't have it," I teased. "It's mine."
He made a lunge for it and I threw it out the car window.
"God damn you!" he exploded. "That was a hundred proof!"
At once I was sorry. "There wasn't much left anyway."
He shot me a look of disgust and opened the car door and climbed out.
"Where you going?" I asked, conscious that my words were softly blurred.
"I've got to find that bottle."
"There wasn't any top on it. There won't be any left."
"I didn't expect there would be," he snapped. "But I don't care for crummy characters that litter the streets with broken bottles."
"I don't think it broke. I didn't hear it."
"It didn't. It fell on the grass." He bent over and picked it up.
For the first time since we stopped I looked around to see where we were. There wasn't much light since it was a dark night and we weren't near a street lamp but I could see that we were parked at the edge of Municipal Park.
"Hey, I know where we are." I opened the car door and slid out. "There's a lake over there with ducks on it. Let's go see the ducks."
I started forward and, suddenly, the ground was weaving beneath my feet. Don caught me with an arm about my waist.
"Take it easy," he said. "You're drunk."
"Just a tiny bit," I giggled. I took another step and the ground seemed steady this time. "Come on. I want to see the ducks."
Don laughed. "Okay. I can't take you home to your mother in that condition anyway."
I raced ahead of him feeling as if I were floating. The cool breeze ruffled my hair and felt good on my hot face. Don ran along beside me. When we got to the edge of the lake, he caught me as I teetered back and forth.
"Take it easy. This is no night for a swim."
An idea hit me. It seemed like a simply delicious idea. "Let's go swiniming," I cried. "Let's go swimming with the ducks."
"You fool," Don laughed. "It's too cold."
"It isn't too cold for the ducks."
"It is. See, there aren't any around."
My eyes scanned the lake but couldn't see ail parts of it since the trees growing along the bank made it dark.
"They're hiding from us," I said. "Let's go in and look for them."
With that, I grabbed the bottom of my sweater and pulled it over my head.
"Hey, cut that out," Don yelled. "You can't take your clothes off here."
I laughed. "Why not? There's nobody around." It was true. We were the only people in the park. I fumbled with the hooks on the back of my bra. and it came loose. My breasts popped into sight.
I couldn't miss the look on Don's face even though the light was dim. He was really shook. "Merry, please. Put your clothes back on."
"Make me," I taunted him, shucking out of my skirt with one quick movement. I stood there in just my brief pink panties, knowing, even in my hazy state, what I must look like.
Don seemed frozen to the spot. Only his eyes moved. They darted from one part of my exposed body to another, always coming back to my full, creamy-white breasts.
I put my hands on my hips, pushing my elbows backward so that my breasts were thrust forward and upward. "What's the matter, country boy?" I asked, softly. "Haven't you ever seen anything like this before?"
His eyes seemed glued to my bare breasts and he ran his tongue over his lips, nervously.
A shiver trickled up my spine and I felt my nipples grow sharp and hard. I ran my tongue over my lower lip too. "Aren't you man enough to do more than look?" I asked in a husky voice.
A scowl darkend his face and he shook his head as if to clear his brain. "I'm man enough to put your clothes back on you if you aren't old enough to fasten your own buttons."
With that he came toward me. I waited, feeling the quivering in my thighs. My head felt dizzy and there was a buzzing in my ears as from a thousand bees swirling around me.
Just as he reached me, I felt faint and gasped, "Oh, Don ... I'm sick...." I sagged against him. He caught me in his arms.
The feeling of faintness passed and I realized I was being held in a man's strong arms, a man's hard body pressed against my own nakedness.
A wave of desire washed over me, flooding my senses and blocking out all but the desperate need to drown in the consuming pool of passion. I wound my arms around him and sought to reach his mouth with mine as my frantic hands tugged at his shirt tail, to free his clothing and bring my hands in contact with his bare flesh.
With a yell, he dropped me like he'd just discovered he was clutching a rattlesnake. "You little fake! What do you think you're doing? I don't even think you're as drunk as you pretend. Now put those clothes on."
I was mad. Rage shook me. I sat there on the ground hating him because he could resist me when I wanted him. I loathed myself because I wanted him when he wasn't Val.
"I won't!" I screamed. "You can't make me!"
His eyes fleshed fire. "I'm warning you, Merry. I've had enough of this foolishness. You aren't too big to spank."
I laughed in his face. "Maybe not. But you aren't big enough to spank me."
Something in him seemed to snap. He dropped down beside me and grabbed me. I fought him, wanting more to kill him than make love to him.
We rolled about on the ground while he fought to get me where he wanted me. I banged him with my fists and kicked, my bare legs thrashing wildly. Finally, his strength was too much for me and I was stretched over his legs, my bottom side up.
Wham! His flat palm stung my rump.
I screamed, "You dirty bastard! I'll kill you for this!"
Wham! His strong fingers cut into my soft flesh with the sting of a whip. I screamed again.
He paid no attention. He seemed out of his mind with a mad desire to beat me senseless. Again and again his hand connected with the tender flesh of my round, yielding bottom. After a few moments I lay still, unable to move or cry out, my throbbing body taking the punishment which was a mixture of pain and a strange, unfamiliar pleasure.
Eventually, he quit beating me. I heard him gasp, "My God! What have I done?"
He touched one half-melon of my violated buttocks.
His fingers were tender but I winced and whimpered.
"Merry, sweetheart," he moaned, trying to ease his arms under me and lift me up.
I tried to raise up but all I could do was manage to roll off of him and onto the cool, damp grass.
He knelt beside me. "Forgive me, Merry. I don't know what happened to me. I've never done anything like that before in my whole life."
I believed him. But when I tried to tell him that I didn't blame him-that I'd deserved exactly what I got-my nerves seemed to snap and I started crying again.
"Merry, don't! Please, darling!" He was sobbing too as he gathered me into his arms, cradling me against him, rocking me to and fro as if I were a child he was trying to comfort. "Please, darling. I wouldn't hurt you for the world. I love you so much."
As he sobbed out his sorrow, he kissed my wet cheeks, my eyes. I clung to him crying, "It's all right, darling. It's all right."
Then his mouth found mine. At first his lips were tender and comforting against mine. I tasted salt from our tears. Suddenly, he pulled me tighter against him and his mouth grew hard and demanding, mashing my lips against my teeth.
I didn't care. I needed the pain. It seemed to blot out the feelings of shame. I dug my fingers into his back and arched my body against his.
We sank back onto the grass together. I could feel the hardness of his body against every part of me. His hand grabbed my breast and squeezed. I wanted to cry out with pain but I couldn't because his hard mouth still imprisoned mine. But I didn't want him to quit. I wanted him to hurt me and keep on hurting me.
At last he lifted his head and gazed into my face with eyes that were glazed over by tormented desire. His face was only a blur before my eyes. I couldn't think about what was happening. I could only push on driven by some frantic need.
I grasped his head between my hands and tried to force his face down to my trembling breast. "Kiss me," I moaned. "Bite me ... Oh, Val ... hurt me, baby...."
He jerked back his head. I looked up, startled by the unexpected movement. His eyes bored into mine, dark and unreadable. In an instant I realized what I had done. I had called him Val. Before I could think what to say, he rolled away from me and scrambled to his feet. Without looking at me again he struck out for the car with long, purposeful strides.
I thought he was going to run off and leave me and I didn't much care. I was cold sober by that time. Even passion was gone. Only the throbbing of my still-tender buttocks and the aching shame and guilt in my chest plagued me.
When Don got into the car and just sat there, I realized he was waiting for me. I got up, hunted around on the ground for my clothes and dressed as quickly as I could.
By the time I got to the car I was shaking with cold. Don didn't look at me. I leaned over the seat and found my jacket where I'd dropped it on the floor, and put it on. He started the car and drove me home, not speaking or looking at me the whole time.
When he stopped in front of my house, I felt I just couldn't go in without saying something to try to make things right. What had happened was all my fault. I knew that. I looked at his cold profile. It wasn't very encouraging.
Finally, I managed to find my voice. "I'm sorry, Don. And I'm so ashamed." That was all I could say.
He didn't answer for such a long time I decided it was no use. He would never speak to me again. I opened the car door and started to slide out.
"Merry...." His voice stopped me. I turned back.
"Merry...." His brown eyes, calm now, looked directly into mine. "I'll make you mine someday. But it won't be like tonight. It will be very different. And-" Suddenly a small glint of anger was back in his eyes and his voice became hard. "And when I do you'll know it's me. I promise you that."
I didn't think I would be able to sleep that night, but I was too tired not to. I was grateful that my trusting, work-weary mother had gone on to bed and didn't wake up when I eased my aching body in beside her.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I HAD THOUGHT IT WOULD be difficult to act natural when I saw Don in class on Monday. But the minute I walked into Ed. 101, he looked up and smiled.
"Hi. Feeling better?"
"Sure. How about you?"
"Fine. Still friends?"
"Still friends."
Everything was easy and natural between us and I was very glad about that. Don was somebody special even if he wasn't Val.
I even let him take me to Gully's Grill for lunch. I hardly expected Val to come around any more unless he needed something. And oh, how I wished he did need something from me. That special something I wanted so much to give him.
Last night I had been overcome with guilt over the way I'd acted with Don. But in the cold light of day it was easy enough to reason out what had happened. I'd been so lonesome for Val and so upset about what I'd overheard at the Gamma House and seeing Val and Kim together and all ... and after I drank that Scotch....
Well, it was just too much. I hadn't been really all that hot after Don. I'd even called him Val in my moment of passion. I'd done that because it was only Val that I really loved and wanted.
"Merry," Don said over hamburgers, "there's just one more thing I want to say about Val Adams and then, I promise, I'll never mention his name again."
I felt myself tensing up inside. I didn't want to discuss Val with Don. But curious, I said, "Go ahead."
Don dropped his eyes, studying his plate for a moment. Then he looked up. "I hate to say this, but I have it on pretty good authority that some of the Gammas are playing around with Marijuana and Val is involved."
I was shocked. "I don't believe it."
He shrugged and looked down at his plate again. "I heard five of the Gammas and two girls went out in the woods south of town after the dance last night and staged a small orgy."
"Did they go in a white convertible?" I asked.
"No, Kimberly Stufflebean wasn't one of them, if that's what you want to know. But Val Adams was along."
I said nothing. I couldn't believe this was true of Val. But the tightness in my chest drew like a steel band, cutting off my breathing.
"Now that I've done my duty and told you, Merry, I won't say anymore about it," Don said. "You're a big girl and, in spite of everything, I believe you are basically decent. But you'll have to make your own decision about how far you want to go with a character like Val Adams."
Don went back to eating his hamburger. I took a bite of mine and chewed on it. It tasted like sawdust and swallowing it almost choked me.
"Hey, Merry," Don said, his voice brightening, "Wish me luck on the new job. I start this afternoon."
"Good luck," I said. "And where is the new job?"
"The Rainbow Cafe."
"That's where my mother works," I told him. His eyes lit up. "That's great. I'd love to meet your mother."
I didn't know about that. I was confident that Don would never say anything to get me in trouble with Mama, but I still didn't much like the idea of their knowing each other.
When Val had made no effort to contact me by Wednesday afternoon, I called the Gamma house. Val was there but he didn't sound too happy when he heard my voice.
"You were expecting Kimberly Stufflebomb, maybe," I asked.
"No, I wasn't expecting Kimberly Stufflebean," he answered, an angry edge to his voice. "But I wasn't expecting you either."
"Well, I just thought I'd better remind you that I'm alive. You seem to have forgotten."
"I haven't forgotten. Look, I planned to see you this weekend. I have some more money to give you. How have things been going at the apartment? Have the guys been leaving the place clean?"
"Sure. But don't try to change the subject, Val. I want to know why I haven't seen you for over a week?"
"I've been busy, that's why."
"Busy doing what? Paying court to Her Royal Highness?" The memory of Val with Kim in his arms still burned in my brain.
"Don't get nasty, Red. I've been studying. I had two tests this past week."
It was about time for the first tests of the new term. I'd had one myself and another coming up next week.
"When am I going to see you, Val?" I asked, letting my voice go soft and pleading. "I miss you."
"You think I don't miss you, baby? I think about you all the time and nearly go out of my mind wanting to make love to you. We've just got to find us a place where we can be together."
"But why can't I see you anyway?" I asked. "Aren't you interested in being with me unless we can be alone?"
"Sure, baby. Only it would be dangerous. I don't know if I could keep my hands off you or not."
I knew Val was lying but, somehow, it still did things to me to hear him talk that way. I felt myself going all soft and melting inside.
"Please, Val, can't we get together soon?"
"You need taking care of, don't you, baby? I guess you need it bad. Well, don't worry. I'll work out something for us soon. In the meantime, do something for me?"
"What?" I asked, suspiciously.
"Where are you?"
"In the phone booth at Varsity Drug."
"Good. Here's what I want you to do. Put your hand under your skirt and touch yourself in that special spot that belongs just to me."
"Val, I couldn't!" My cheeks flamed with embarrassment at his suggestion.
"Go on, baby," he coaxed in a low, seductive voice. "It's secluded in that corner and nobody can see you. Go on, do it."
I glanced around. The booth was at the back in a nook that was cut off from the rest of the store by a counter piled high with boxes. And even if someone did come back there expecting to use the phone, all they would be able to see of me was from the waist up.
"Are you doing it, baby?" Val asked. "Do it. I want to picture you in my mind doing it."
Just the sound of his voice speaking so intimately sent shivers up my spine. I wanted to do it.
"Do it, baby. Tell me when you're doing it."
I twisted in the small booth until my back was toward the store. Then I spread my knees apart just enough and slid my hand up the inside of my thigh.
"Have you found the spot yet?" Val asked.
My fingers probed the warm, sensitive secret place, unsurprised at the damp slickness. When my index finger made contact, I let out a small gasp.
Val must have heard. "That's it, Baby. How does it feel?"
"Mmm...." I didn't really trust my voice.
"Good, huh? Now move your finger around, slowly and gently. And close your eyes."
My eyes were already closed and my finger was already moving before he said the words. And that small, rotating motion was sending shivers of delight all through my body.
"Keep your eyes closed and think of me doing that to you, baby," Val crooned in my ear, softly. "That's what I want to be doing to you. That and more. Much more. Can you picture it?"
"Yes!" I breathed, my voice almost inaudible with passion. I could picture Val in my mind. The mocking eyes. The strong sensuous mouth. I could almost feel his hard body pressed against mine and it was his hand giving me such delight.
Bam! A loud noise exploded next to my ear. I jumped and jerked my hand out from under my skirt. Someone had banged against the side of the phone booth. I looked around. A girl was standing there glaring at me. Guilt flooded over me though I was sure that she couldn't have seen what I was doing.
"I've got to go, Val," I said. "Somebody wants to use the phone."
"Okay, baby. I'll see you."
"When?"
"I'll call you."
"We don't have a phone."
"Oh, yeah. I forgot. Well, I'll see you soon. Don't worry."
"Look, Val, I-"
The girl waiting for the phone banged on the glass again and said something which I didn't hear. But from the look on her face I could imagine she was calling me an unpleasant name.
"Okay. I'll see you." I hung up the phone and hurried out of the booth trying to ignore the girl's angry glare.
I don't know if the little incident in the phone booth made me feel better or worse. I hated myself that I couldn't be as cool and calm in my dealings with Val as I wanted to be. He was the one who should get all hot and bothered so that I could do what I wanted with him. Instead, I was the one who lost control and acted like a love-starved fool. But I did love him like mad and I was going crazy needing his love. Those few moments when I touched myself and listened to his voice and imagined it was Val touching me ... That little experience just made me know how very much I did need him.
That night I lay beside Mama in the darkness and thought about what had gone on between Val and me in that same bed and my whole body ached with wanting him. Finally, I was afraid my restless twisting and turning would wake Mama, so I slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom.
I didn't turn on the light but locked the door and leaned against it, wrapping my arms about myself. "Val ... Val...." I whispered into the blackness.
I closed my eyes and pictured his face. The eyes, so blue, so cold. The lips curving up on one side making that maddening dimple pop into view.
My hands moved up to cup my breasts through the thin material of my shorty gown. A tremor shook my body. "Val...." I whispered. "Love me, darling...."
My hands moved away from my breasts only long enough to go under the gown and make closer contact. My fingers kneading the soft flesh seemed stronger than a girl's fingers. In the darkness they felt like a man's strong hands. Val's hands....
"Kiss me, darling. Kiss the nipple," I murmured. My hands held my breasts still, pushing them forward for his kiss and, in my mind's eye, I saw his shining blond head lean forward and felt his lips brush my quivering breast. I moaned my pleasure.
I was lost. Lost in a dream that was real. I wasn't alone. Val was with me. It wasn't my own hands that moved so excitingly over my body. It was Val's hands and Val's lips which carressed my eager body.
I couldn't stand it. Desire beat against the inside of my belly and throbbed in my loins driving me out of my mind. I pressed my spine tight against the door and spread my thighs. "Do it now!" I begged. "Now, Val! Please!"
He did it! I could feel him hard and strong and big as he thrust deep.
"Hurry! Hurry!" I moaned, moving my hips in time with his. The peak was reached in moments. The hot lava spread all through me, licking at every tiny nerve center with tongues of velvet fire.
I leaned against the door and waited for the ecstasy to subside, savoring it as long as possible. Suddenly, I was tired. Wearily, I sank down onto the side of the bathtub. And, as the last of the rapture drained out of me, another feeling moved in to fill the emptiness. Shame.
What kind of a girl was I? I hadn't done anything like that since I was a small child. This was even more shameful than letting Val do the things he did. At least there was some excuse for what I did with Val. I loved him. But this ... Still, I had been able to help myself. It had been almost as if it had been Val making love to me.
But it wasn't Val, that harsh voice in my brain insisted. It was you! You, Merry Bolin! You did those things to yourself and pretended it was Val.
But it was his fault. Resentment against Val consumed me. It was he who made me want him and then stayed away. It was Val who told me to touch myself that way and think about him. Had he known I would come home and shut myself in the bathroom and do that to myself? Maybe he thought that would satisfy me and keep me happy while he ran around with Kim and couldn't find time for me.
Well, think again you lousy s.o.b., I'm not satisfied and happy. I'm just mad. And if you don't start changing your ways soon, I'll find me another man. And I'm the girl that can do it too.
"Merry, are you all right?" It was Mama's voice calling from the bedroom.
I stood up, quickly. "I'm okay," I answered. I stumbled over to the basin and ran some cold water in my hands and splashed it on my face. Then I blotted my face dry with the towel, flushed the toilet to make it appear that I'd had business in the bathroom and went back into the bedroom.
"You aren't sick, are you?" Mama asked. She was sitting up in bed with the bedside lamp turned on.
"I'm fine," I insisted, wishing she would turn off the damned light. I was sure my face showed that I was far from fine.
"Then what's the matter? Why can't you sleep?"
I eased back into bed beside her. "I don't know. I guess I'm worried about that French test coming up."
Mama smiled. "Since when have you had to worry about passing French?"
"College French is harder," I said.
Mama leaned back against the pillows and reached for a cigarette. "Yes, I guess it is. I'm glad you're getting to go to college, Merry. I'm only sorry that you couldn't go the way you wanted to."
I glanced at Mama's face, noticing for the first time how tired she looked. There were even a few wrinkles I hadn't seen before.
"I don't mind," I lied. "I'm just grateful to be going. And I'm grateful to you for working so hard to make it possible."
Mama said, "Thank you for saying that, Merry. That makes it all worthwhile. There have been times when I-" She broke off, suddenly.
"What, Mama?" I asked.
"Nothing," she said.
I knew what she was going to say. There had been times when she didn't think I felt one bit of gratitude. And it was true. I'd been so wrapped up in my own dreams about what I wanted that I hadn't given a thought to what Mama was going through.
"I'm sorry, Mama." I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I've been pretty thoughtless. I know it hasn't been easy on you, and I do appreciate all you're doing."
Mama ground out her cigarette, embarrassed. Mama never had been too affectionate in her manner with me. Not like Daddy. "Forget it," she said. "Things are working out. Soon things will be even better. I've found a house. I'm supposed to close the deal the first of the week. Maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday we can start moving in."
Her words brought me up with a start. I'd have to tell Val to tell those kids they couldn't use the apartment any more. He'd have to give back whatever money he'd collected for next week. He wasn't going to like that a bit. But I couldn't help it. He certainly couldn't blame me because we were moving out of the apartment.
"Of course, the house is pretty run down," Mama went on. "That's the reason I'm getting it cheap. But we can take our time fixing it up and do a lot of the painting and decorating ourselves to save money. And, in the meantime, we won't be paying out rent."
I dragged my mind back to what she was saying. "That sounds fine, Mama."
"I'll have to go on working for a while to pay for the work that needs to be done. But, we'll just concentrate on one room at a time and as soon as the first room is ready, maybe we can go ahead and rent it and have some money coming in."
"Where is the house?" I asked, not really caring too much. What difference did it make where it was? It was still a crummy rooming house.
"Over on Vine Street. About three blocks off campus. That should be close enough to appeal to students, don't you think?"
"Sure," I answered. It would appeal to students, okay. The poor students looking for a cheap place to live. The kind of students I didn't want anything to do with. And it certainly wouldn't be the kind of a place that I could bring my friends and not be ashamed.
"Someday," Mama said, "when the house if bringing in enough, I'll quit my job and then maybe we can have more of a home life."
I didn't answer. I was thinking that maybe, by that time, I wouldn't be caring about a home life with Mama. Maybe, by that time, I'd be in solid enough with the fraternity and sorority crowd that I'd be a pledge and be living in a sorority house.
I slid down on my pillow and turned my back on Mama to let her know I was going to sleep. I really wasn't sleepy but I didn't want to talk anymore. I wanted to he there and dream about what it would be like when I was a sorority pledge.
Mama said, "By the way, I met a friend of yours today."
I started, guiltily. Did she mean Val?
"A very nice boy named Don Ulrich. He's going to work in the kitchen at the Rainbow cafe. From the way he talked, I think he must like you a lot. Why haven't you brought him around?"
I grunted, "How could I bring anybody to this place? Where could we sit? In the kitchen?"
"I don't think Don would mind," Mama said. "He didn't impress me as that kind of a boy."
I didn't answer. I didn't want to discuss Don Ulrich with Mama.
"I wish you could realize, Merry, that real friends don't care where you live or that you don't have money."
I still didn't answer. I was in no mood for one of Mama's sermons either.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ON FRIDAY, AS I came out of the Education building at noon, I saw Val coming across the South Oval. I turned to Don, who had been walking with me, trying to tell me how nice he thought my mother was. "Look, Don, I can't have lunch with you today," I said.
Don looked across the Oval and saw Val. "Oh, I see. Okay, I'll blow. But I don't know how much longer I'm going to keep on hanging around waiting for you to get wise to Lover Boy Adams".
At the moment, I was in no mood to take anything from Don. I snapped, "I don't recall anybody asking you to hang around."
Don's jaw tightened and his eyes turned black with anger. "Okay, Merry," he said in a tight voice. "Then I won't." With that, he walked away.
I felt a small stab of disappointment as I watched his tall, lanky frame disappear into the noon-time crowd. I hadn't really wanted to get rid of Don. But why couldn't he be content to be my friend and not be jealous of Val? I knew the answer to that one. Don was in love with me, of course. He had even said so, that night in the park. And I would have been better off in love with someone like Don in place of Val Adams. Better off if all I wanted was somebody to be sweet and dependable and treat me as if I were a princess. But Don would never be anything any more important than a small-town teacher. That's all he wanted to be.
I started toward Val wondering why it was all the really exciting men had to be such louses.
"Hey, Red," Val called, breaking into a grin. "I've got some more of that pretty green stuff for you."
"You'll have to give it back, Val," I said.
His eyebrows shot up. "Give it back? You gotta be kidding."
"Look, I don't like it any better than you do," I said, knowing I was lying. I really felt a sense of relief that I'd no longer have to worry about somebody finding out what was going on in my apartment. And when that business was over I'd find out if that was Val's only reason for needing me. "But it can't be helped. We're moving. Maybe tomorrow. So you'll have to tell them they can't come there anymore."
Val looked like he was going to get mad. "What do you mean, moving?"
"Mama is buying a house," I said.
"Yeah? Well maybe-"
"That wouldn't work," I said, cutting him off. I knew what he was thinking. "She's going to rent out rooms to students. There will be people coming and going all the time."
Val studied my face for a moment. I knew he was thinking like mad about how he could make this change pay off for him some way. He took my arm. "Come on. Let's get something to eat and talk about it."
"There isn't any point talking about it, Val," I said. "You're friends can't come to the new house. It wouldn't be safe."
"Hell, woman," Val said. "You think money is all I got on my mind?"
I glanced up at his face. The look in his eyes made my legs turn to water. It was us he was thinking about. Maybe he had found a place where we could be together. I fell into step beside him and we headed for Gully's Grill.
Over hamburgers I told him all about the house and Mama's plans. He didn't say anything more about how he could turn the move to his advantage. He acted really interested.
"How many rooms does it have?"
"I don't know. I don't think Mama said." Maybe she had said, and I just didn't remember. I'd had other things on my mind when she was telling me about the house.
"Well, how many rooms are you going to have for yourself?" Val asked. "I mean, will you still have to share a bedroom with your mother?"
"I don't know, but I hope not. I had my own bedroom back home. I miss my privacy."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I have to share a room at the frat house with two other guys."
"Well, that's different," I said. "I don't think I'd mind that."
Val grinned and raised one eyebrow, "You wouldn't mind sharing a room with two guys? Great, baby. I'll see if I can move one of the guys out and move you in."
I giggled. "That's not what I mean, silly."
Val laughed. "I was just teasing. But, no kidding, I hope you do have a bedroom to yourself."
I eyed him suspiciously. "If you're thinking you can visit me there, I'm warning you-"
"Get your mind up above your belt line, baby. That wasn't what I was flunking. But maybe, if you have a living room we would have a place for dates."
"But Mama will be there at night," I said.
"Okay, so she's there. Are you ashamed to have me meet your mother?"
"No, of course not. I just didn't think you would want to-"
"You sure have some wild ideas about me, Merry," he said. "Sure, I want to be alone with you I want to make love to you. Just sitting here in this booth across from you is getting me all steamed up."
He reached his hand under the table and pressed it against my knee. A shiver ran up my spine and I couldn't swallow.
"But hell, baby, when a guy feels about a girl the way I feel about you, he wants to be with her other times too. And he wants to meet her mother and know that he's welcome in her home."
A warm glow spread through me that was as much pleasure at his words as excitement from his hand which was still squeezing my knee under the table.
"I didn't know, Val. I thought you-"
"You thought wrong, baby."
He took his hand away from my knee, ate the last bite of his hamburger and wiped his mouth with a paper napkin.
"I guess maybe you don't really know me at all," he said.
"Maybe I don't. But I'd like to," I said, feeling almost teary inside. Could it be that Val was really in love with me the way I was in love with him?
Val's blue eyes held mine while he crumpled the napkin and dropped it on the table. Then he stood up and moved around the table to slide into the booth next to me.
"You're too far away, baby," he murmured, pressing his shoulder against mine and leaning forward so that his face was inches away.
I was so flustered I could only stammer, "Val, please. There are people around."
"What people?" he said, putting his hand under the table to find my knee again.
"Someone will see," I whispered, wanting him to take his hand away and yet not wanting him to.
"Nobody is watching us," he said. "Besides, they couldn't see what I'm doing anyway."
What he was doing was letting his fingers slither up the side of my thigh like a snake making its way under my skirt. I began to tremble. Somehow, the danger of the other students all around us, made his actions even more exciting.
His fingers inched still higher. I felt the edge of my skirt also slipping higher and higher on my leg. I knew too much leg was showing if anybody looked. Nobody seemed to be looking. They were too intent on their friends and food.
I bit down on my lower lip to keep from moaning as his probing fingers crawled toward the soft flesh of the inner side of my thigh.
"Val, please. Please...." I gasped.
"Please, what?" he whispered in my ear, his breath hot and exciting. "Please move my hand or please touch you there?"
I shook my head, not knowing which I meant, and closed my eyes so that the other people in the room didn't exist. Nothing mattered but that rising, swelling need to feel his finger where I wanted it.
Suddenly, his hand was gone. I opened my eyes. Val was sliding across the seat away from me.
"Come on," he said. "Let's get out of here."
I tugged down my skirt and moved to follow him. "But where can we go? Do you know some place where--?"
Val laughed and stood up. "We're going to class, Red. Where else? The one o'clock bell just rang." I hadn't heard it at all.
I had the very devil of a time keeping my mind on what the teachers were saying in my afternoon classes. One minute I would be thinking of what Val said about wanting to meet my mother and have a proper date with me in our living room. That thought filled me with a lovely, warm happy glow. Then, the next instant, I would remember how Val had deliberately gotten me all worked up in Gully's Grill only to turn it off in an instant and laugh, knowing what he had done to me. That thought made me fighting mad.
Maybe Val did have his sweet, sincere side. I wasn't sure about that. But one side of him was a sadistic devil who loved to torment me and prove the power he had over me. I'd have to be more careful in the future, I thought. I'd fight to keep him from thinking he could do anything he wanted with me. If he wasn't so sure of me maybe I could be more sure of him.
That afternoon when I headed for home, Val caught up with me as I started to cross the street in front of Varsity Drug.
"Where you going?" he asked.
"Home," I said.
"Well, look, why don't you show me the new house?"
"Why? There's really nothing to see yet. I haven't seen it myself."
"Aren't you curious?"
"Sure."
"Then come on. Let's take a look."
I went along, glad for the chance to spend a little time with him but wondering why seeing the house was so important.
I knew the address so finding it wasn't difficult. It was a white frame, one-story house, crowded in between two larger houses. It was old and hadn't been kept up very well. The paint was peeling and the front porch needed repairs.
"Is it empty?" Val asked.
"I guess so. It looks empty." I couldn't help the wave of depression that washed over me at sight of the house. I guess I had hoped for more. "It looks pretty crummy," I said, "but Mama has plans to have remodeling and redecorating done."
Val said, "It should look fine when it's fixed up. Come on, let's go around to the back."
I really didn't care to see any more of the place just then, but I followed him down the path that led between the houses. All of a sudden, I had the strangest feeling that someone was watching us. I turned my head and saw a face peering at me from a window in the house next door. It was a middle-age woman with a long, lean face and small pale eyes that glinted in the shadows like a caf s eyes.
"Val," I gasped, hurrying to catch up with him. "There's somebody watching us."
"Yeah, I saw her, the nosey old bag."
"Let's get out of here," I said.
"Why? You've got a perfectly good right to be here. Your mother is the new owner of this house."
He was right, I knew. There was no for sale sign on the front lawn so that probably meant that Mama had closed the deal today. Still, that strange face in the window made me nervous.
The back yard was large. It could have been a pleasant yard if it had been taken care of. There were flower beds edged with bricks but only weeds grew in them.
"Give my mother a year," I said, "and she'll have this yard blooming with flowers." Mama had a real green thumb. Our yard back home had always been beautiful.
Val paid no attention to what I was saying. Apparently, it was only the house that interested him. He walked around trying to see in the windows. I didn't try. The windows were too high off the ground for me to see anyway.
"Hey, here's one with a hole in the screen," Val said. "Somebody must have locked themselves out sometime and had to poke a hole to get in." He stuck his finger through the hole and slipped the hook on the screen.
"Now if the window isn't locked...."
"Val, we can't break in," I said.
"Why not? This is your home, isn't it?"
"Not yet. I mean, not really until we get moved in."
"Come on, Merry, let's take a look." Val was easing the window pane up.
I hung back. "I don't think we should."
But he was already boosting himself up onto the sill and swinging his long legs over. "You wait. I'll let you in the back door."
He disappeared. I walked over to the small back steps. What was the use of arguing with Val? He always did what he wanted and I went along. A minute later, the back door opened.
"Come on in and make yourself at home," he invited.
I stepped inside. It took a moment or two for my eyes to adjust to the dim light, then I looked around. The inside was a little better than the outside. It wasn't very clean and new paint and wallpaper were needed. But I could see that the floors were good hardwood. Mama had pretty good sense about such things, I thought. The house was sound and probably a good investment.
Val took my hand and led me through the dusty rooms. Kitchen, dining room, living room, three bedrooms and a large bath.
"Looks like maybe you'll get your private bedroom after all," Val said.
"I don't know. It depends on how many rooms Mama feels she has to rent out. Of course, that dining room being off to one side that way ... I guess it could be turned into a bedroom. The kitchen is large enough for a place to eat. And Mama said something about the attic could be fixed up to rent."
I looked around for a way to get up in the attic but could see no stairs. "I guess that will have to wait quite a while," I said.
"Hey, here's the stairs," Val said. He was peering into what I thought was a coat closet off the living room.
I looked inside. There, a very narrow stairway led upward. It was so dark and spooky-looking I pulled back.
Val laughed. "Come on, we might as well do the whole exploring bit."
He took my hand and pulled me along with him. We climbed the narrow stairs and came out in one long, narrow room with windows at both ends and sloping ceilings at the sides. Val walked over and raised the one remaining shade on one of the windows to let in more light But it didn't do much good. It was still pretty dark.
"This is cool," Val said. He took out a cigarette and lit it. For just a fleeting moment, what Don had told me about the marijuana popped into my head. But I refused to think about that. It just wasn't true. Val was no saint, but he was no fool either.
I looked around at the dusty room. A bunch of boxes and a few old pieces of furniture piled at one end gave the place a real spooky look. "I guess what Mama had in mind," I said, "was to put in a wall and make two rooms out of this."
Val strolled over to the dark pile of boxes and things. "Wonder what all this stuff is?"
"I don't know. Couldn't be anything worthwhile or it wouldn't have been left here." It was obvious that the house hadn't been occupied in some time.
"Well I see one thing that's worth something," Val said.
Curiously, I watched as he pulled a narrow mattress out and let it flop open on the floor. Dust flew in all directions. I fanned in front of my face with my hand and fought back a sneeze.
"It couldn't be worth much or they wouldn't have-" I broke off, looking at Val's face. He couldn't be thinking what I thought he was thinking. But I knew that look only too well.
He walked toward me. "Maybe they didn't need it," he said, "but I think we can put it to good use."
"No, Val," I took a step backward.
He took a final drag on his cigarette, then ground it under his foot.
"Come on, Baby. We've found our place to be alone."
"But it's too dirty in here. And too spooky."
"I don't believe in spooks, Baby. And a little clean dirt never hurt anybody."
I started to move again but I wasn't quick enough. He caught me and pulled me into his arms and kissed me hard. I tried to fight against him. I didn't like the idea of him thinking he could take me any old place whether I wanted to be taken or not.
But it didn't do much good to struggle. He held me and kept his mouth on mine while his tongue explored the inside of my mouth and invited my tongue to play. I felt my resistance weakening fast.
When he pulled his mouth away from mine to seek other pleasures. I cried "Val, you promised you wouldn't do it again."
"Do what?" Val murmured, huskily from where he had his face buried in my neck.
"You promised you wouldn't force yourself on me."
"I'm not forcing anything."
I called up every bit of will power I had to pull away from him. "You are," I said. "I don't want to make love on that dirty mattress in this-this-"
Val dropped his arms and stared at me for a minute. It was so dark in the attic by then that I felt his eyes more than saw them. Is he mad? I wondered. I knew I had to stand up for my rights with Val. But having him really mad at me always tore me apart inside.
"Okay, Merry," he said at last, and his voice was calm and gentle. "But just let me hold you and kiss you for a minute before we go. It's been such a long time since I've had a chance to kiss you."
I went back into his arms, laughing shakily, "All right, but just don't get carried away. I have to get home soon or Mama will begin to worry."
Val folded me in his arms again and murmured against my lips, "I won't do anything you don't want me to do, baby."
And he didn't. He didn't have to. After a few minutes of his demanding mouth working on mine, his seeking hands probing all the most sensitive parts of my body, I was so on fire that I wouldn't have forbidden him anything. I could hardly bear the agony of having him pull his body away from mine long enough to help me out of my clothes.
He murmured something about not wanting to ruin good clothes. I had a moment when I remembered, through a haze, that I was wearing the new skirt and sweater I'd bought at the Smart Shop. But in that moment I didn't really care what happened to my clothes. I only cared that Val keep on with what he was doing to me.
As soon as I was naked, Val placed my clothing on top of one of the big boxes and took off his own clothes. Before he could turn back to me I was groping for him in the dark.
"You take too long," I whispered, fitting my body against his, trying to make as close contact as possible.
He laughed and caught me under the buttocks with strong hands, his fingers spread wide to hold as much of the quivering flesh as possible, and pressed me against him. I gasped as the hardness of him ground into me. He held me tight against him while his hips began a slow, revolving movement, carrying my hips around in languid, rolling circles.
It was as if there were no urgency in either of us. Then the smoldering fires flared up, leaping and soaring. The circles became wilder as the movements of our fused hips grew more and more agitated.
Suddenly, he broke away from me and fell back on the mattress. I fell down beside him, clutching at him, trying to help him do what I knew he would do. I couldn't wait.
Val laughed and pushed me away. "Take it easy, tiger."
I still sought to possess him. "What do you mean, take it easy?" I tried to climb astride his slim hips. "If you think you can work me up and then leave me hanging...."
"Calm down, baby. Nobody is leaving anybody hanging. This just happens to be one of those times when I want it to go on for a long time. Don't you want to make it last, baby?"
"Yes, of course."
"Then climb down out of the saddle and let Pappy rest. A man can take just so much."
I rolled off of him and stretched out at his side, our shoulders and hips touched lightly. That was all. It was difficult for me to wait. But as I lay there listening to his breathing grow calmer, my own boiling honeypot gradually quieted down to a simmer. After a few moments I began to realize the pleasure in waiting and anticipating. Deep inside my belly there was a soft, gentle throbbing as of a sleeping subterranean volcano. There was agony in waiting, but it was an agony intertwined with delights.
At last Val propped himself on one elbow and leaned over and kissed me. It was a light, teasing kiss. My own lips teased back. His tongue flicked across my lower lip. My tongue came out to play and tease in the same fascinating way.
While our lips and tongues were thus engaged, our hands were stroking and tickling and teasing each other's bodies. I followed his lead. Where his hands touched my body, my hands moved quickly to do the same for him.
My breasts were full and ripe and heavy in his hands. His were only small bumps almost lost in the hairiness of his chest. But I squeezed and pinched them between my thumb and forefinger until they became erect.
When his head lowered and caught one of my passion-rigid nipples between his teeth, I sucked in my breath and held it until he raised his head. Then I let out my breath and ducked my own head to nibble at the tiny male nipples with my teeth.
He moaned. Joy filled my breast, knowing I was giving him such special delights. There was no need of words between us. Our bodies told each of us what was wanted from the other.
When he finally shifted his position to bring his lips in contact with that one most responsive object of his lust, I allowed myself only a few moments of selfish enjoyment of the pleasure his hot mouth gave so freely. Then, without breaking the contact, I squirmed and wriggled around until I had reversed my position on the mattress and could grasp him in my hands and move my own hungry mouth to devour him as he devoured me.
I was so lost in a quicksilver pit of delights that my numb brain scarcely noticed or questioned when he withdrew himself from between my lips. His own mouth continued alive and demanding, manipulating the eager flesh until that slumbering volcano could take no more.
I braced myself against the incipient explosion by pressing my palms hard against the mattress. For a long moment my whole body seemed suspended in mid air, drawn tight as cat-gut on a Stradivarius. Then my guts exploded as that subterranean pit errupted spewing a hot rush of molten pleasure over me ... engulfing me ... drowning me....
I had never had it so good. Now I wanted only to rest and allow those lingering sensations to abate slowly and leave me warmly satisfied. That's why I protested when Val turned and mounted my body.
"No, Val ... please ... no more...."
He paid no attention but went ahead to ease himself inside, gently, slowly, being careful not to disturb those last few moments of my waning passion.
I turned my head and looked at him. His eyes were a black panther's eyes before the springing kill. I wanted to close my own eyes and shut him out because I wanted only rest. But I couldn't.
"I can't take any more," I moaned.
"Yes you can," he whispered. "I can feel you clutching on me, tugging at me, begging, coaxing for more."
I stared at him. Could this be true?
He began to move his hips back and forth, slowly, smoothly and his mouth found mine in a gentle, nibbling kiss. The sensation was not at all unpleasant.
Then I felt it too. Something deep inside me like a hand that stretched itself then closed over him, trying to hold him. I sucked in my breath.
He pulled back his head and his eyes flashed with excitement. "Was I right?" he asked.
I let my breath out slowly. "I-I think so...."
"You know so!" The words ground out between his clinched teeth as he increased the vigor and speed of his thrusts shooting warm messages into the pit of my belly. Soon my body joined his in the pitching, heaving movements.
With an animal growl, he reached back and thrust his 'arms under my knees, lifting me off the mattress. "Put your feet on my shoulders...." he gasped.
I did as he commanded. He thrust again, this time touching my soul. I was riding an earthquake. His body a part of mine, filling me, swelling me to bursting. The earth cracked under me, ripped apart. I screamed in mindless ecstasy.
A few minutes later, Val's voice came through the soft darkness. "I knew you could do it, Baby. I knew you could."
I crept into his arms and smothered his face with kisses. In that moment of gratitude I would have died for him if he had asked it.
CHAPTER NINE
MAMA WAS ALL EXCITED about the new house. Over the weekend I had little chance to think about anything but getting moved. We bought a double bed, springs and mattress, an unpainted chest of drawers and a dresser for our bedroom. We got those at a second-hand store and paid cash. Then Mama made arrangements to buy a kitchen range and refrigerator on time.
"This will have to do for a couple of weeks, Merry," she told me. "Then I can start buying some furniture for another bedroom. As soon as it's ready we'll try to rent it to a student. Then the income will help with the other furniture buying."
"Will I get to have a bedroom to myself?" I asked.
Mama smiled. "I enjoy privacy too, Merry. But we'll both have to forego it for a while." She saw the disappointment on my face and added. "Tell you what. As soon as we get two bedrooms rented, I'll fix the next one up for you."
"Thanks, Mama. That will be wonderful."
"There's only one thing," she added. "I wonder if you wouldn't like to put in a little of that tutoring money you're earning on some of the furnishings?"
That caught me by surprise. Not that I hadn't thought about the fact that I had been spending all that extra money on myself while Mama worked so hard and spent nothing on anything special for herself. But this thought always made me feel so guilty that I'd pushed it to the back of my mind where it couldn't bother me.
Mama went on. "I don't begrudge you the new clothes, Merry. I know nice clothes are important to a girl your age. But the sooner we get the house fixed up and rented, the sooner things will be better for both of us."
"I know," I answered, feeling very ashamed. "I guess I have been pretty selfish."
Mama smiled. "Not selfish. Just young. I think you're a very nice daughter and I'm proud of you."
I lowered my gaze. I couldn't look her in the eyes when she talked like that. If she only knew what I was really like, she wouldn't be so proud.
"By the way," Mama said, "the boss has asked me to go on the late shift. Four till midnight. I don't really care for the hours, but he promised me a small raise in pay if I'd agree. So I couldn't turn that down."
I didn't answer. My mind was working like mad, figuring out what this change would mean to me. Mama would be home for lunch now. No chance for Val and me there. But after school ... That could work out just fine. He could come over afternoons or everungs. At least until Mama moved somebody strange into the house. Then we'd see....
When Val didn't come around all day on Monday, I went out about seven-thirty and walked down to Varsity Drug to call him. It was depressing, staying in that house alone at night, anyway. Of course it would be better when it was fixed up more. But just now, even our bedroom seemed bleak and unfriendly with just the bed and chest and dresser and not even curtains on the windows.
Val wasn't home. "Can you tell me where he can be reached?" I asked the strange male voice who answered the phone at Gamma House.
"Is this Kim?" the voice asked.
"Yes," I answered, wondering at that daring impulse.
"Well," the voice went on, "he said if you called I was to tell you that he's gone for a tux fitting and you should pick him up there about eight."
Without a word, I hung the receiver back on the hook. How could he? Oh, how could he? I'd really believed he was seeing Kim only on special occasions like the Gamma dance or some sorority event that she invited him to. That meant just weekends. He'd told me that he stayed home on week nights and studied. But this was a Monday night. I blinked back the tears that threatened. I wouldn't cry over Val anymore. I wouldn't.
Walking home, I dug my fists deep into my jacket pockets and did some serious thinking. Okay, so she was going to pick him up in that fancy convertible of hers. They wouldn't be able to do much on a Monday night. Those sorority girls had to be in by nine o'clock Mondays through Thursdays.
Besides, Val didn't know that he could have come to the house tonight. He didn't know about Mama's new working hours. Things would be different when he knew that. A shiver ran up my spine thinking about how it would be with Val and me.
My mind pushed on to another problem. The tux fitting. Why was Val getting a tux? The next big formal event scheduled was the Thanksgiving Dance. That was a full month away. Of course there was Halloween coming up and maybe a concert or Drama Club presentation. But he wouldn't need a tux for those.
Well, there was no point worrying about what events might be coming up and whether Val would be taking Kim or not. Val had made it clear that he would be dating Kim and doing anything else he felt he had to until he was sure of his footing with the Gammas. And, even though I didn't enjoy his dating that rich bitch for all the really important school affairs while he treated me like some kind of a private dirty joke, still I didn't want him to queer things with the Gammas either. I'd have to keep a grip on my emotions and my eye on the Main Chance, I told myself.
But when would Val feel safe in breaking off with Kim and introducing me to his crowd as his girl? Maybe I should set a deadline for Val or he might find it too easy to go on and on with things as they were. Val was the kind of a guy who liked to have his cake and eat it too. And that was just what he had been doing.
All right, how about the Thanksgiving Dance? I asked myself. Yeah, that would be perfect. That was also Homecoming Day and the date of State's most important football game. And if I told Val right away what I was expecting, that would give him a whole month to get used to the idea.
The next day, after classes, I went over to the Student Union Building looking for Val. I found him in the Terrace Room having Cokes with Kim and Jack and Carol. I went up to the counter, bought myself a Coke and carried it to a booth a few feet away from where they sat.
I didn't look in Val's direction until I was seated. When I finally did look, he was watching me with a real anxious expression on his face. I guess he wasn't sure if I was going to join him and his fancy friend or not. I smiled at him and calmly sipped my Coke. Jack's and Carol's backs were toward me so they couldn't see. Kim could have seen, but she never once looked in my direction.
You'd look if you knew what I am to your boy friend, I thought. You'd look me over real good if you only knew, Miss Frigidbritches.
After a few minutes, when Val glanced my way, I motioned that I wanted to see him outside, then I got up and went out. After a couple of minutes, he followed. He caught my arm and gripped it so tightly it hurt.
"What do you think you're trying to pull?" he demanded. "I told you to stay away from me when I'm with Kim."
"Then why don't you come around occasionally?" I asked, jerking my arm away.
"I was going to come around tomorrow."
"Tomorrow!" I laughed. "Everything's always tomorrow with you."
"What do you want?" Val asked. "Make it quick. I've got to get back in there."
"I just wanted to tell you that Mama's working hours have been changed."
"Yeah? How?"
"She's gone on the four-till-twelve shift." Val's eyes took on a bright gleam. "You mean she'll be gone from four in the afternoon until midnight?"
"That's right."
"You mean she isn't there now?"
I smiled. "You're beginning to get the idea, Val."
He chuckled. "Look, Red, why don't you go on home? Maybe I'll be over later."
I didn't like his uncertain manner. "No 'maybe', Val. Unless it's a definite date, I've got other things to do."
"Okay, so it's a date." He glanced at his watch. "Say seven o'clock. That will give me time to get rid of Kim and have dinner at the frat house. And say," he caught my arm again and this time squeezed it lovingly. "Maybe I'll bring Jack and his date along. Old Jack has been a little upset because-"
"No, you can't! I-"
"Why not?"
I searched frantically for some excuse. "We have one of the bedrooms rented already. To a girl who goes and comes all the time."
"Well, if you're afraid of somebody seeing, maybe it would be better if I didn't go there either."
He was just teasing me. He knew I wanted him to come. "It won't matter if one person comes. We can be quiet. But there is no point in getting your friends started using the house when Mama expects to have all the spare rooms rented very soon."
Val gave up trying to persuade me and went back to his friends in the Terrace Room. I went home to wait until seven o'clock.
While I waited I decided I might as well make myself as beautiful as possible. I ran hot water in the tub and added a little of the expensive bath oil Daddy had given me for my last birthday just before he died. The oil and steam from the bath filled the little room with a heavenly fragrance.
After I'd washed, I shaved my legs so they would be satin-smooth for Val's touch. Then I pushed back the softened cuticles on my fingernails and toenails. Then I climbed out of the tub and rubbed my body with a rough towel until it tingled.
I went back to the bedroom and got out my bottle of creamy lotion and smoothed it over every inch of my nude body. As my hands caressed my limbs, I thought about Val's hands caressing me and heat began to surge up inside me. I shook my head to make the dream vision of Val go away. I must not get carried away. That little incident in the bathroom the other night when I'd made love to myself and pretended it was Val-well, maybe that wasn't so wrong when I couldn't do any better. But tonight I would have the real thing. Must not waste any of that precious feeling on a substitute. I'd keep it all for Val and love him as he'd never been loved before.
I went to the closet and looked over my clothes wondering what I should wear. Why wear anything at all? I asked myself. Oh, something to cover me, of course. But no need for the usual clothes which would only have to be taken off. Besides, I had a lovely, satin robe just the color of my eyes. It had also been a present from my father. On the last Christmas before his death.
I took the robe out of the closet and slipped it on and drew it tight around me, tying the cord. Then I looked in the mirror. I caught my breath. Though every inch of me from neck to ankles was covered the satin clung, molding and revealing every swell and hollow of my figure. In a way it was sexier than being naked.
Having settled that problem, I settled down to giving myself a manicure and pedicure and a complete, careful makeup. Actually, I didn't need much makeup because my own coloring was so good. I had the creamy complexion of the natural redhead without, thank God, the freckles. But heavy eye make-up was the rage on campus and I liked to smooth violet-blue shadow on my lids to bring out the blueness and to draw the dark liner above and below my lashes to make them appear more sophisticated instead of just young and innocent. To wear false eyelashes would have been ridiculous when my own were so long and with a natural, sweeping curl. But a touch of mascara set them off beautifully.
When I'd finished with my face, I brushed my hair, vigorously, smoothing the impish red curls into the nearest thing to a sleek hairdo that I could manage. I sat back and surveyed the results in the mirror. Not bad at all, I told myself. I needed to believe I was beautiful tonight. Knowing I was beautiful gave me confidence. And I needed all the confidence I could muster to tell Val that he had to take me to the Gamma Thanksgiving Dance.
The kitchen clock chimed the half hour. Six-thirty. I hadn't eaten anything, but I wasn't hungry. I was too excited for food. I glanced around the bedroom, wondering if there was anything more I could do to make the room look less bare. There wasn't.
Suddenly, I remembered what I had told Val about one of the bedrooms being rented. That had been a lie. It was furnished now, but not completely. And it wasn't rented. I had an idea. If I closed the bedroom door and left the light on inside, Val would believe someone was in the room. Under those circumstances, he would certainly agree with me that it wouldn't be safe to have his frat brothers and their dates coming here.
I thought about that nice extra money that Val had collected from the guys and split with me. I hated to give that up. Especially since I'd need a really elegant formal to wear to the Thanksgiving Dance. Still, it just wasn't worth the worry of having Mama find out what was going on.
And there was that nosey neighbor in the house next door. She was always looking out her window even when there wasn't anything to see but just me coming home from school. There was no telling what a character like that might do if she took it into her head that something wrong was going on. And, once Mama started renting out rooms to students, our house would be classified as Student Housing and would be under strict university rules.
When I opened the front door to Val a few minutes after seven, his eyes lit up at the sight of me.
"Hey, what's all this?" he asked, taking in the way the blue satin robe clung to my body. "You look as if you haven't a stitch on underneath that robe."
"Sh...." I hissed, putting my finger to my lips and indicated the closed bedroom door with the light shining underneath it.
Val grinned and followed me down the hall to my bedroom, walking as quietly as possible. Once we were in the bedroom with the door closed he asked, "Who did you rent it to?"
I shrugged. "I don't remember the name. Some graduate student."
"Is she a looker?"
"Well, I don't know your taste," I teased, "but if you like girls with flat chests and thick ankles and bad complexions-"
Val laughed. "Not my type. But maybe you better look out for her. She sounds like a lesbo. You might be just her type."
I didn't like him talking that way. Such an idea was disgusting. I walked up to him and put my arms around his neck. "All I worry about is whether I'm your type," I murmured.
"You got no reason to worry on that score, baby," he said, pulling me against him and fitting his mouth to mine.
I let him hold me and kiss me until I felt his hands trying to loosen the cord on my robe. Then I pushed back from him. "I want to talk to you, Val."
"Sure, baby, but later," he murmured, trying to pull me back into his arms.
"No, Val. Now. Sit down."
He looked around. There were no chairs in the room so he sat on the bed. "Okay, talk."
"Val, when are you going to introduce me to your friends as your girl?"
A frown darkened his handsome face. "So we're back to that again? I told you, Red, that I'd do it when I felt it was safe. I can't just brush off a big sorority wheel like Kim and start pubicly dating a-a-"
He didn't want to say it. I didn't want to hear it either so I rushed on with what I had to say. "Look, Val, you ought to be in pretty solid with the Gammas by now. But I know you. So long as I don't push you, it's easy for you to just go on this way. After all, you're getting what you want from both Kim and me."
Val looked hurt. "Don't say that, baby. You know I love you."
"I don't know that, Val Not for sure. But I'm going to find out."
That hurt look in Val's big, blue eyes was replaced by a faintly mocking look. "And just how are you going to do that, baby?"
"I want you to promise to take me to the Thanksgiving Dance."
"And if I don't?"
I took a deep breath. What I was going to say could mean I'd had it with Val. "Then we're through."
His eyes glinted with anger, but only for a moment. Then he smiled. "I was only teasing you, Red. Don't get your temper up. Of course I'll take you to the dance, if you really want to go."
He was giving in too easily. After all, Thanksgiving was a month away. "And I want you to start doing something about getting rid of Kimberly Stufflebean right away." I said. "We should start being seen together oftener. Get your friends used to the idea of me as your girl so it won't come as a big shock at the dance."
Val shrugged. "Okay, I guess you're right. However, there's one thing you could do to be sure that I'm in really solid with the Gammas so there'll be nothing to worry about."
"What?" I asked, suspiciously.
His eyes narrowed. "You've got to agree to let some of the guys bring their dates here."
"But I can't. I told you-"
"Okay, so there's some creep living in one of the rooms. The guys would be careful. She sounds like the studious type who wouldn't notice anyway."
"But, Val, it's too dangerous. Besides, none of the other rooms are furnished."
"This room is furnished. If we needed more than one room at a time there's always that mattress up in the attic. And I know a couple of guys who own sleeping bags. You see, baby, there's no real problem. Those guys don't care if it's not the Ritz."
I shook my head. "No, I can't. I just can't...."
Val caught my wrist and pulled me down on the bed beside him. "Look, you want to go to that Thanksgiving Dance, don't you? You want me to introduce you to the Gammas as my girl, don't you?"
I nodded, "Yes."
"Well, let me tell you something. My stock with the Gammas went down the day I told Jack and Hank they couldn't use the apartment any more. They were getting to like that place. And one of the guys must have told Claude Van Dyke about it too, because he was asking questions. I told him you'd moved and the apartment wasn't available. But he wanted to know where you'd moved and if your mother still worked. He as much as told me that if I cared about being a Gamma I'd work out something for the boys."
A shudder ran up my spine at the mention of Cluade Van Dyke. He was only the Gamma president. A senior with black, curly hair, bedroom eyes, and a very sensuous mouth. The only guy on campus that I'd admit was as handsome as Val.
"You see how it is, baby? I'm in no position to do anything to cross the Gammas just now. But if I could keep them all happy for a little bit longer, especially Cluade-"
"But what about when Mama gets the rest of the rooms rented?"
"That will take a while from the looks of things. And when she does, you'll have a real excuse for not letting the guys come here."
"I don't know, Val." I hated the idea but I didn't want Val to lose out with the Gammas. We had both counted too heavily on that.
He slipped his arm around my waist and nuzzled my neck. "You play along, baby, and it could be real good for both of us. Claude Van Dyke's old man owns half the state. A word to him about how you need money and what a risk you'd be running, and he'd be good for enough money to buy out the Smart Shop."
Mentioning money had its effect. There was still that formal I needed for the Thanksgiving dance.
"Things will work out just fine, baby. You'll see," Val murmured against my mouth as his fingers found the cord of my robe and gave it a yank.
He pulled back to look at me as he eased the robe down over my shoulders. "I knew you were naked under that thing," he said.
I let the robe slip from me and lay back across the bed, putting my arms over my head so that my breasts were pulled upward into their most tantalizing shape, the nipples pointed to the ceiling. I stretched my legs out to their full length, drawing every muscle taut and flattening my belly.
His eyes devoured me. I whispered, "You like?"
"I like." His husky voice was almost a growl as he fell on me, his hungry mouth and fingers taking what they wanted of the delights my body offered.
I nearly went out of my mind with ecstasy as his hot lips worked on my quivering sensitive breasts while his strong fingers traced patterns of delight over my bare skin. Then his mouth moved away from my breasts and he allowed his slack lips to trail in the wake of his fingers, tickling my bare skin until it sang.
His gentle, vibrant lips paused, occasionally, to press a sweet kiss onto whatever part of my body pleased him. A snug curve or valley of warm, yielding flesh. A flat plain of taut, quivering skin.
I writhed and wiggled, moving my body about, stretching my legs, spreading my knees apart, flattening my backbone against the bed, bending my knees, raising my hips ... Always moving, turning, twisting as my eager body sent invitations to his hot lips and made it easy for him to gain access to whatever part of my body was begging to be kissed.
At last, when I could stand no more of the exquisite torture, I threw my legs wide and gasped, "Please, Val ... please...."
He climbed over me, reached his hands under my buttocks and caught me up. Then, to my surprise, he rolled to one side, lifting me as he went and pulling me on top of him. "You do it, baby," he demanded. "Let's see what you can do."
Caught up in the excitement of the moment, I lifted my body over his supporting myself on my hands and knees. My heavy breasts hung inches above his face. With a throaty laugh, I moved my shoulders back and forth so that my breasts began to sway. His eyes followed those heavy globes of tantalizing flesh as if hypnotized. Then, suddenly, his mouth opened wide and his head came up in a lunge and he captured one nipple between his teeth.
I gasped with a joy as his sharp teeth bit into me. Then feeling him swelling and pushing urgently against my belly, I moved one hand underneath, grasped him and guided him into position.
His mouth released my breast and he lay back against the bed, quiet except for his ragged breathing. I raised up, and eased myself down on him until I was sitting astride him, our hips locked together.
He drew in a deep breath and let it out. "Go, baby, go!" he whispered.
I did. Bracing my palms against his hard shoulders, my heels dug into the bed beside his hips, I raised and lowered my body with piston-like thrusts which grew faster and surer as the raging excitement grew.
Val's hips came up to meet mine with each thrust, rocking me. "Go, baby ... go ... go...." he urged me on in a voice that shook with uncontrolled passion.
I redoubled my efforts, pounding against him in a frenzy of strength I didn't know I possessed. I was riding a wild, bucking stallion and hanging on for dear life.
"I'm going off," Val yelled.
"I'm ready!" I gasped, my muscles bracing themselves for the explosion.
It was a blast of TNT deep in my gut. I held onto him, rocked by its violence. When it was over, I sank down on him and lay there, drained of all energy, sure that I'd never move again.
When Val started to leave he noticed that the light was no longer on in the "roomers" bedroom.
"Hey look, she's gone out," he said.
"No! She-she must have gone to bed." I couldn't imagine what had happened to the light unless the bulb had burned out.
"At nine o'clock? Nobody goes to bed at nine o'clock."
"Some people do," I argued, knowing my face must be giving away how nervous I felt.
Val looked at me curiously. "I think you're lying. I don't think that room is even rented."
"Oh, but it is. I swear."
"I'm going to take a look."
"No, Val! Plaease!" I grabbed his arm to stop him.
He shook me off, walked over to the door and opened it. He took a cautious peek inside then swung the door wide. There was the room, empty except for one bed with bare mattress.
Val caught my wrist and twisted it. "You lied to me. Why?"
I winced with the pain and tried to pull loose. But he only gripped harder.
"Why? Why did you lie about the rooom?" he demanded.
I bent my knees and sagged to the floor to lessen the pain in my arm. "I didn't want you to let your friends come here," I gasped. "Please, Val ... You're hurting me...."
He gave my wrist another sharp twist. "You little liar. I ought to really teach you a lesson."
My knees touched the floor and I leaned my head against his legs, sobbing. "Please, Val ... I was so scared...."
Val laughed. "From now on you just be scared of displeasing me. You understand? I'm going to bring my friends here anytime I want to and you'll have nothing to say about it. Understand?"
I nodded my head. He let go of my arm. I sat back on the floor rubbing my throbbing wrist with my hand.
Val stood looking down at me a moment, contempt in his eyes.
I looked up. "You never cared anything about me, did you? You were just using me all the time."
"That's right," Val said.
I got to my feet. "Get out," I cried. "Get out, you lousy bastard!"
Val laughed, grabbed me and pulled me against him. I knew he was going to kiss me and I twisted my head away. He backed me against the wall and, holding me with one arm, used his free hand to hold my chin and turn my face to his.
I spit in his face. He laughed and clamped his mouth down on mine. I struggled and fought against the feeling of weakness that began to wash over me at the touch of his lips. I wouldn't give in ... I wouldn't....
But, after a minute, it was too much for me. Desire beat against me, turning me to jelly. My arms crept around his neck and clung.
He raised his head and chuckled, softly. "That's better, baby. I still love you. But now you know who's boss."
"Do you love me, Val?"
"Sure I do. I'll even take you to the Thanksgiving Dance if you behave yourself."
CHAPTER TEN
For THE NEXT THREE WEEKS I tried to keep my mind numb. I just wouldn't let myself think about how Val really felt about me or what my true feelings were for him. I knew only one thing. I belonged to him. We were partners bound together by lust and greed.
There were kids at the house every afternoon. I didn't know how many or exactly when they were there. Val would tell me when it was safe for me to go home. Mostly, they used the house in the afternoons and I could go home by six or seven.
Sometimes, Val took me there and made love to me. Usually, there were others in the house at the same time. I could hear them. Val and I seldom used my bedroom or the other bedroom which was partially furnished. Usually we used the old mattress from the attic. But once, apparently even that was being used by someone else, because he took me on the bare floor in the kitchen.
These days, there was an element of hostility in our lovemaking. Val never bothered to be tender any more or to say the sweet things he used to say to me. And I didn't really care. It was as if I wanted to use him for my own pleasure as he used me-to show him that I was even stronger and more ruthless than he.
When Mama had the sofa moved into the living room, Val was delighted. That made one more place where sex could go on. But Val and I never used that sofa. That's when we started entering the house by the kitchen door.
I hated going in the back way. That nosey neighbor, whose name turned out to be Mrs. Peevy, was always watching from her window. I was sure she knew something was going on. The sight of those mean, little eyes staring at me sent chills up my spine. But I tried to block that from my mind too.
Val kept giving me money. I was sure he wasn't giving me half of all he collected. But I took it and didn't question him. And I spent it as if it were crawling with germs and would contaminate me if I kept it on me very long.
I practically bought out the Campus Smart Shop. I hid a lot of what I bought from Mama because I knew I could never justify having that much money from tutoring French students. But going on buying sprees seemed to help ease the growing fear and guilt inside me.
My most lavish purchase was a gorgeous formal of green-satin brocade. It was a strapless number, very tight-fitting. The sexiest thing I'd ever seen. I also bought green, high-heel pumps and a green, beaded evening bag to match. I asked the shop to hold these for me until I was ready to use them. One part of my mind still held firmly to the belief that I was going to that Thanksgiving Dance with Val and that it would be the turning point in my life.
I also gave Mama occasional money to help with fixing up the house as I'd promised. I might have given her more if I'd thought that would get those rooms rented sooner. I knew that having the house rented would be the only thing that would stop Val and the Gammas from using it as their own private sex clubhouse.
But Mama had already expressed the idea that it was too late in the term to get student renters anyway. She was now hoping to have the living room fixed up and a couple of bedrooms ready to advertise before registration for the Spring term in January.
One afternoon in the middle of November, Val wanted me to go to the house with him.
"I've got something to show you," he said. "You're going to love this."
I wondered what it was. His eyes danced with excitement and the dimple kept popping in and out of his cheek. He looked like a charming and impish child. His gaiety was contagious. I found myself feeling lighthearted as we walked over to the house.
But my mood changed the minute I caught sight of old Mrs. Peevy in the window. Her little cat eyes gleamed in the shadows and her pointed chin and nose seemed even closer together than ever-like a witch's.
I shuttered. "That woman," I said. "I know she's going to make trouble for us. The way she looks at me ... As if ... as if...."
Val said, "Don't worry about it. She just likes to look out the window because she's got nothing better to do."
Once in the house, Val led me up the dark stairway to the attic. It was dark in the attic because the window blinds were drawn. But the first thing I noticed was several small spots of light on the floor.
"What's that?" I asked, a chill creeping into my breast because I'd already guessed what it probably was.
"That's what I wanted to show you. Come on."
We moved on into the room. Now I could see that the light was coming from below. There were several small holes bored in the floor.
Val knelt down. "Look. I read about this once in a book. That's how I got the idea. So I got this friend of mine whose had some carpentry experience to come out here and locate the light fixtures in the rooms below and bore these peep holes."
I began to tremble with anger. "Val, how dare you! What made you think you had the right to-"
"Take it easy, Red, until I explain. He did it around the light fixtures because it's easier to camouflage there. You told me that your mother is letting you do most of the decorating of the house. So all you have to do is put some sort of design on the ceiling around the fixtures and nobody will notice a thing from below. You can even do it with cut-outs of flowers from an old piece of wallpaper."
"But why? What earthly reason did you have for-?"
"Kneel down and look," Val said.
I knelt down and looked through one of the holes. I was looking down into the living room. There was a strange couple there. I recognized the boy as a Gamma but I didn't know his name. The girl was completely strange to me. The boy was sitting on the sofa in his pants and undershirt, tying his shoes. The girl was combing her hair with the aid of a small compact mirror.
"But how can I see so much of the room?" This didn't make sense with such a small hole.
"That's the great part of it," Val laughed, excited as a kid. "It's this little gadget they put in the hole. Makes it so you can see almost the whole room. And it seals out sound at the same time."
I stood up. "I think that's terrible. We've no right to spy on people."
Val grinned. "Why not? I'm only going to let a few special people in on this. But they'll pay plenty to watch. This will be a big kick for some of the guys. Especially when I can arrange for something special to be going on below."
"Special? Like what?"
Val got to his feet. "Like what I brought you up here to show you. Come on over here. The action is all over in the living room anyway."
He led me to the other end of the room, where some light shown through the floor. We knelt down and looked through into my bedroom. Below, sitting on the bed was the chubby, dark boy with the baby face I'd seen at Gully's Grill. The one they called Marty. With him was Noreen Galloway, a local girl. She was a prostitute. And the campus grapevine had it that she did a pretty good business around town in spite of all the college girls who were willing to give it away free.
Looking at her, I could understand why. She was a big girl with the most sexy figure I'd ever seen. Her legs were long and tapered to slender ankles. Her hips were full and well-rounded. Her waist curved in to an amazing narrowness considering what was above and below. And her breasts-Well, I would have guessed she took a size forty with a C-cup.
Now she was wearing a short, tight, black skirt with a very wide patent leather belt and a size-too-small green sweater that looked as if it were painted on.
Noreen's face didn't measure up to her body. Her face was broad and sort of flat-looking with a too-small mouth and not enough chin. Her pale eyes were also too small though she wore tons of makeup to make them look larger. Her hair was a sort of flaming orange-pink which had to have come out of a bottle. I couldn't even guess her age, but there were tiny lines around her eyes and mouth that the make-up couldn't hide.
As I watched her it was easy to guess the situation between her and Marty. Noreen was practically on his lap, her arms around his neck, her flaming head on his shoulder. But Marty held her as if she were an overripe plum and he was afraid she might burst and ooze all over him if he squeezed.
Val chuckled. "Some of the men think Marty is a virgin. This is his test to see if he makes Gamma or not."
"Does he know about it?"
"He knows we set it up with Noreen but he doesn't know the Gammas will be watching."
"The Gammas?"
"Just Claude and Jack and me. This little idea should get me in real solid with those two. And they're the ones that count."
Just then I heard a noise at the other end of the attic. A man's head appeared above the floor level I scrambled to my feet.
"Take it easy, Red," Val said. "It's just the guys." He stood up. "Over here Claude."
The rest of Claude Van Dyke's tall, muscular form emerged from the stair way.
"Where's Jack?" Val asked.
"He couldn't come."
"Well come on over and get your seat on the forty-yard line," Val said. "The action has started, if you can call it that."
Claude looked at me and smiled. There was something cold and evil in that smile. Val didn't bother to introduce us.
Claude got down on all fours and put his eye to a peep-hole. "Don't look to me like much is going on," he said.
"You are so right," Val said.
I felt very uncomfortable. "I better go."
Claude raised his head. "You don't need to go, Red. Stick around. Add a little spice to the party. You know I thought about asking a couple of girls, but Jack said better not. They can't keep from blabbing and we don't even want all the Gammas to know about this sweet little setup."
"Red won't blab," Val said.
Claude laughed. "You're damn right she won't. She can't afford to. It's her house."
I didn't like the way Claude was looking at me. Even in the very dim light of the attic, his dark eyes gleamed as they ran over my figure, undressing me.
"I really have to go," I insisted.
Val reached up and caught my wrist and gave it a little twist. I winced, remember how he had hurt me before. "Don't go, Merry," Val said in a menacing tone. "Claude doesn't want you to leave."
"Come on, join the sightseers," Claude said. "There's room for everybody."
I knew it would mean trouble with Val if I didn't go along, so I dropped back down on my knees and looked through one of the peep-holes.
The situation hadn't changed much. They were kissing now. At least Noreen was kissing him. Her rosebud mouth was pressed tight against his mouth, but Marty wasn't giving much back. He still held her as if she were an egg that might break.
"Come on, man, get with it," Claude urged.
"Man, if that was me down there," Val said, "I'd be on top of that whore so fast she wouldn't know what hit her."
Val's words cut through me like a knife. I raised my head and looked at him. He didn't look up. Either he had forgotten I was there or he didn't care. I looked through the peep-hole again.
Noreen pulled away from Marty and said something. He smiled but he didn't look very happy. In fact he looked most uncomfortable. Noreen put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back across the bed then half climbed on top of him, pressing her body against his and planting her mouth on his again.
Marty raised his arms and put them around her waist but he still didn't hold her tight. He lay there stiff and ummoving while she writhed and twisted against him.
"Man, he must be dead," Val said.
"Take your clothes off, Noreen," Claude commanded. "Let him get a look at those knockers of yours."
As if she had heard his words, Noreen raised up and caught her sweater by the bottom and pulled it off over her head. Her big breasts were just barely confined by one of those half-bras which do little more than give support from underneath while exposing the full, rounded top halves of the melons.
Marty stared at her, fascinated but still scared. She reached one hand behind her back and undid the bra hook. Suddenly, her breasts were like two wild creatures that had been confined to a cage. They burst forth, pushing the bra out of the way, bouncing into view, the large, brown circles reaching up toward Marty like two hungry mouths begging to be fed.
"My God!" Val and Claude breathed in unison.
Marty still stared at those two fabulous orbs, but he seemed incapable of moving. Noreen laughed and said something. She must have invited him to touch her. He raised one hand, started to move it toward her breast, then stopped and pulled back.
In an impatient jesture, Noreen grabbed his hand and pressed it against her breast. The pliant flesh oozed between his spread fingers like soft, warm bread dough. And she held his hand there while she put her mouth against his again.
But though she squirmed and twisted and worked her mouth on his until I, watching there in the attic, could feel my own mouth quivering and a familiar warmth rising in me, Marty still held himself rigid as a wooden Indian.
Val let his breath out in disgust. "She might as well give up. He's hopeless."
"Maybe not," Claude said. "If she'd just get his clothes off and really go to work on him...."
Again, as if she had received some signal, the prostitute pulled back from Marty and began to undress him. First she unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off his shoulders. Then she ran her fingers through the dark, heavy growth of hair on his chest and, with one sharp, pointed fingernail, traced little patterns around his nipples.
Marty let her do it. His broad, fleshy shoulders even seemed to shiver a little at her touch. But he made no move to help her.
"The pants," Claude hissed. "Get those pants off him. You know where his fountain of pleasure is located."
After a few more moments of scratching at his chest with her sharp nails, Noreen reached down and pulled the zipper on Marty's pants and began to tug at them. He had to stand up to help her take them off. This he did, without resistance. Otherwise, he offered no help. His face seemed molded of stone and his eyes were glazed over like the unseeing glass eyes of a wax figure.
As soon as he was completely stripped, he fell back across the bed, rolling over on his stomach and hiding his face in the pillow.
Val jumped to his feet. "Why, that sniveling, lousy sonofabitch ... I'm going down there and-"
Claude also stood up and caught Val's arm. "No ... Leave them alone. She knows how to handle him."
They both knelt down again and watched. I watched too. I was very embarrassed by what I was seeing, but I no longer wanted to leave. The blood was singing in my veins. It was almost as if it was me in that room below and my female pride was challenged by that big cowardly baby on the bed. I wanted to see Noreen get to him.
The big girl stood looking at Marty, anger and contempt on her common face. Then she threw back her head and laughed. Her voice was so loud and shrill that the sound penetrated the thickness of the ceiling and floor. Then, she peeled out of her skirt and panties and started to climb on the bed beside him.
"Atta girl, Noreen," Val cheered her on.
"This ought to be something," Claude said.
It was something all right. Baring her teeth in a snarl, she grabbed a hunk of rump in both hands and sunk those sharp claws in deep. Marty leaped up in the air like a whale with a harpoon sunk in him, did a flip and came down on his back. The bed shook as if it might fall apart.
Without giving him time to hide himself from her again, she fell on him.
"Go, girl, go!" Val urged in great excitement.
"Work on him, you slut," Claude commanded. "That's what you're being paid for."
She went to work on him, all right. I wouldn't have believed that tiny little mouth could encompass so much masculine muscle and flesh. I gasped, feeling a shocked reaction in my own flesh.
Marty reacted too, but not the way we expected. He thrashed about on the bed, pitching and bucking like a chucky salmon trying to shake loose from the fisherman's line. But, like an armless and legless fish, he seemed incapable of doing any more than thrash about in his effort to get free of her.
But Noreen refused to be shaken lose. She clamped her jaws tight and hung on, her orange-pink hair flying back and forth like a silky pom-pom at a football game.
After a minute of this wild activity, Marty gave up and lay still. I watched, every nerve in my body stretched tight, wondering what was next. Then, to my surprise, Marty's face crumbled and he began to bawl like a baby. He covered his face with his hands and his whole body shook with his sobs.
Claude let out an epithet that clearly expressed his disgust. Val swore.
Noreen raised her head and stared at Marty in shocked disbelief. Then she shrugged as if she had decided this was a completely hopeless case and climbed off the bed.
Claude muttered, "He's out. He'll be lucky if I don't knock a few of his teeth down his throat before I tell him."
I didn't want to keep watching the humiliating scene below but I was even less anxious to raise my head and meet the eyes of Val and Claude, so I kept my eye glued to the peep-hole.
Noreen seemed to have lost all interest in Marty now. She strolled over to the dresser and fished in her purse for her lipstick and began to make up her rosebud mouth. Marty took his hands from his face, turned his head and looked at her. He had stopped crying now. She didn't seem to notice.
When she had finished with her mouth, she started painting those huge brown nipples. Then she put the lipstick case on the dresser and stood back to admire what she had done. She put her hands on her hips and arched her back until her heavy breasts pulled up high on her body and the flaming scarlet tips stuck out like ripe red cherries.
Suddenly, Marty came to life. With a yell, he leaped off the bed grabbed up the lipstick and, whirling her about, he slashed at her flat belly as if the lipstick were a sharp knife and he wanted to gut her like a hog at slaughter.
In shocked outrage, Noreen drew back her arm and slapped him across the mouth.
This really set Marty off. His lips curled back in a snarl as he doubled up his fist and let her have it with a smashing blow to the face that sent her reeling across the room to fall in a crumpled heap. Blood trickled out of one corner of her mouth.
I gasped and cried out.
"What is it? What's happening?" The boys asked, scrambling to get back to the peep-holes and see for themselves.
Marty's eyes darted around the room and fell on the open closet door. He walked over and took one of the wire hangers off the rack and hit it against his palm as if to test its strength. Then, as if he had all the time in the world, he strolled over to stand over Noreen.
She still huddled on the floor, her naked body drawn into as tight a ball as possible, her fleshy buttocks exposed in all their lush whiteness. Marty drew back his foot and kicked her, sharply. She howled and rolled over.
He yelled something and raised the wire hanger over his head. A look of pure terror sprang into her eyes and she scooted across the floor away from him. He followed her, bringing the hanger down across her shoulders. She screamed.
He raised the hanger again. This time it fell across the middle of her back. She screamed again, pulled herself up onto her knees and tried to get away from him. But she couldn't. He followed her around the room, hitting her again and again. Each time the sharp wire cut into her bare flesh it left an angry red gash. And each time she felt the cruel cut she screamed in agony.
Suddenly, I was screaming too. "No! Don't! Please!"
Val grabbed my shoulders and yanked me to my feet. "Shut up, you little fool!" he ordered.
"I'll shut her up," Claude said, grabbing my shoulder and whirling me around. With his other hand he slapped me across the mouth with a stinging blow that knocked me off balance. I fell to the floor.
"Now keep your trap shut," he said. "I'll take care of you when the show's over."
I looked up, Claude was watching me with the strangest expression on his face. It was a look of pure lust and cruelty. I shivered, knowing what he had in mind to do to me and knowing I couldn't count on Val for protection.
Claude went back to watching the scene below. I could hear Noreen's screams going on and on. It sounded as if he were killing her.
"Please, Val," I sobbed. "Stop him ... please...."
Val said, "Look, Claude, maybe we ought to go down there and break that up."
"Shut up, fink" Claude said. "This is the best piece of action I've seen this year."
"But if she keeps yelling somebody is going to get suspicious and come busting in."
Claude stood up. "Yeah, I guess you're right. We can't have the cops getting in on the act. Especially not with that little party we're planning. Come on."
The boys headed down the stairs. I waited a moment, then followed them. Only I kept on going right out the back door. All I could think of was to get away from there before Claude had a chance to make good his threat to "take care" of me.
Mrs. Peevy was in her back yard. As I hurried away from the house she called over the fence. "What's going on over there? Sounded like somebody screaming."
"It-it was just me," I said, hoping she would believe me.
"What happened?"
"I-I hurt myself. I tripped over the rug and fell." It was the first thing I could think of to say.
She squinted her tiny eyes and peered at me. "Looks like you cut your face."
I put my hand to my sore cheek and pulled it back to see a smear of blood on my fingers.
Mrs. Peevy went on, "You sure was doing a lot of yelling over such a small cut."
I laughed, nervously. "Well, I-I'm an awful baby about blood. The sight of it scares me to death."
From her expression I couldn't tell if she believed me or not. But while I was standing at the fence talking to her, I saw Val and Claude going along the front walk, half-carrying Noreen between them. Marty trailed behind.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God they were all out of the house and Mrs. Peevy hadn't seen them. If she had gotten a look at Noreen she would have known something terrible had been going on.
"When's your mother coming over to get acquainted?" Mrs. Peevy asked.
"Oh, I'm sure she wants to," I said. "But she works, you know. And she's very busy. And so am I. I have to run now." I hurried up the walk between the houses.
A few feet down the street I saw Claude's blue Mustang pull away from the curb with Noreen beside him and Val and Marty in the back seat. Since they were all safely gone for at least a little while, I figured I'd better slip back into the house through the front door and put things in order so Mama wouldn't suspect anything.
The bedroom looked like a tornado had hit it. The bedding was half off on the floor. A lamp had been knocked over. The throw rug was half under the bed. Noreen's lipstick was on the floor in a corner. There were even a few small blood spots on the floor and the bedspread.
I straightened things up as quickly as I could, scrubbed the spots off the floor and washed the dirty part of the bedspread and stretched it over the shower curtain in the bathroom to dry. Then I left the house by the front door. I didn't want to hang around there in case Claude still had it in mind to come back and "take care" of me after he got rid of Noreen.
I went back to school and stayed in the library trying to study and keep my mind off what had happened until the library closed at ten. Then I went home, locked all the doors and went to bed.
Suddenly, I rememberd those holes in the ceiling. I got up and went into the kitchen where Mama had been papering the walls with the help of a borrowed ladder. I found her book of sample wallpapers, picked out a couple of likely-looking patterns and went to work with the scissors.
Less than an hour later there was a charming design of red and black roses outlining the ceiling light fixture in the bedroom and one of purple grape clusters and green leaves in the living room. I wasn't too crazy about the way they looked, but they did serve one purpose. It wasn't likely that a casual observer would be able to spot those peep-holes.
I lay in the dark shivering and wondering how I could ever be free from this nightmare. I didn't want any part of Val Adams anymore. Or of the Gammas. What a silly little fool I'd been to think I was in love with Val. And to believe I could make all my dreams come true through him. But how could I get out of this mess? The Gammas weren't going to quit coming to the house, and I couldn't stop them without exposing my part in what had been going on.
And the party ... Claude had mentioned a party. I was scared to even imagine what kind of a party they were planning. But I had to stop them somehow before we all ended up in terrible trouble.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The next morning mama gave me the way out I was looking for.
After admiring my decorator's touch on the ceiling, she expressed concern over the cut on my cheek and, apparently, accepted my explanation that I tripped over the rug. Then she said, "Oh, I wanted to tell you when I came in last night but you were asleep. I've rented the east bedroom."
I looked up from stirring coffee. "Really? Who to?"
Mama smiled. "You'd never guess. Your friend Don."
"Don? But I thought you wanted all girls?"
"Well, I do think that would be best when all the rooms are rented. In fact, to get university approval, we will have to have just girls or just boys. But I explained the situation to Don and he thinks he would like to rent the room just until we can get the rest of the house fixed up."
"But, Mama, I don't know...." I couldn't think if this would be a good thing or a bad thing. If I could tell Val the room was rented maybe he would stop bringing the Gammas here. That would be good. But Don Ulrich, of all people. I didn't like the idea of having Don in the same house. I liked Don. He was the only friend I had. But he knew too much about me already. If he found out the whole truth....
Mama went on, "Don has been paying ten dollars a week where he is and the room isn't as nice or as convenient to school If he can get breakfast he's willing to pay twelve. The extra money would be a big help. And Don is the kind of boy that I'd trust to be in the house alone with you in the evenings."
I smiled to myself, thinking, But can you trust me, Mama, dear? I'd tried my best to seduce Don at the park that night.
As I walked to school that morning I thought how it didn't make any difference whether Don moving in with us was a good thing or not. Don and Mama had already arranged it. Of course it was possible that I could have gotten Don to change his mind by telling him I didn't want him in the same house with me. But then again, maybe he wouldn't pay any attention.
Don had a mind of his own. He had this idea, God only knew why, that he and I were right for each other. And he was just playing it cool and waiting for me to get over my infatuation with Val. Don wouldn't get out of my life even if I told him I hated him.
There was just one thing that might lose me Don for good. If he ever found out the whole truth about Val and me.
I had been in the habit of meeting Val each afternoon after my last class so he could tell me when it would be safe to go home. That afternoon when he perched beside me at the soda fountain of Varsity Drug, he said, "Look, Red. There are only two of the guys planning on using the rooms this afternoon. It will be safe for you to go home after six."
Just like that, I thought. Business as usual. Just as if nothing at all had happened yesterday.
"How's Noreen?"
"She's okay. She was feeling no pain after Claude gave her an extra ten bucks more than he promised her."
I wondered if I'd been wasting my sympathy feeling sorry for Noreen. Maybe a prostitute really didn't care what was done to her so long as she got paid enough for it.
"By the way," Val said, "You really made an impression on Claude. He said to ask you if you'd give him a date sometime."
"You wouldn't care if I dated him?" I really don't know why I bothered to ask that. I certainly knew the answer.
Val shrugged. "He's the president of the Gammas. He could do a lot for both of us."
I didn't say anything, but Val wouldn't drop the subject. "Maybe you could see him this evening. Say about eight? I'm not going to be available."
I didn't ask him why he wouldn't be available. I knew Val took other girls to my house sometimes. Once, I'd seen him come out of the house with Kim and get in her car and drive way. I'd been angry and hurt at the time. But I just didn't care any more. I'd never let Val make love to me again. And I wouldn't date that creep Claude Van Dyke, either.
"I have to study tonight," I said. "Besides, I'm afraid my usefulness to the Gammas is over anyway."
"What are you talking about?" Val asked.
"Mama has rented the east bedroom to Don Ulrich. So you'll have to tell your friends they can't come there anymore."
Val looked suspicious. "Are you lying again? That room was empty yesterday."
"He's moving in tomorrow."
"Friday? That's a hell of a note. That's the night we have the party planned."
"Well you'll just have to find some other place to have it."
Val took a sip of his Coke then said, "Look, Red, Don is a real good friend of yours. Maybe-"
"No!" I said. I knew what he was going to ask. "He is a friend of mine but he wouldn't go along with that sort of business for me or anyone else."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Don Ulrich, of all people. If it was some more normal, red-blooded guy, maybe we could cut him in on the fun and he'd cooperate. But that psalm-singing s.o.b.-"
"I've got to go," I said, sliding off the stool. I didn't want to listen to a crud like Val running down a really swell guy like Don.
On Friday afternoon I started for home confident that there would be no more trouble from Val or any other Gamma. Don had already moved a few of his things into the room and planned to bring the rest of his stuff over tonight after he got off work.
I knew the Gammas were plenty upset because of the party they'd been expecting to have. But just the same, they didn't want to run the risk of getting into the kind of trouble they might get into if somebody like Don found out what was going on.
I was feeling pretty good about everything. Now that I couldn't help Val in any way, he'd probably lose interest in me. And I certainly didn't want anything more from him. I must have been out of my mind to think I was ever in love with him. I thought about what a really sweet guy Don was and I was glad he would be living in our house.
As I crossed the street to the Campus Comer, Val and Claude fell into step beside me, one on each side.
"Hi, Red," Val said. "Has that creep Ulrich moved in yet?"
"Yes," I said, feeling my heart beat faster because I didn't know what they had on their nasty little minds.
"You're lying," Val said. "I went by his rooming house and told his landlady that I'd heard she had a vacancy and I might want to rent it. She said the room wouldn't be available until Monday."
"His rent's paid up til Monday," I said. "But he moved some of his stuff in last night and he plans to move the rest of it tonight."
"Then he probably plans to sleep there tonight," Val said.
Claude said, "But he wouldn't have to. Not if his rent is paid up where he is until Monday."
Val laughed. "You are so right, friend Claude. He wouldn't have to and I know just the little redhead who could get him to change his plans."
"Oh, no," I said. "You might as well stop right there."
Claude slid his arm through mine and said in his most persuasive manner, "Look, Red, we've got this little problem. You see we have this party planned for tonight. It's a real special kind of a party. The kids are counting on it. And well, you see, there just isn't any other place to throw it. Now we had planned to invite you. In fact I was going to insist that you be there because you're just the kind of a girl that belongs at a real swinging party. But I'm going to have to ask that you do this little favor for me instead."
"But I can't do anything," I insisted. "How could I possibly keep Don from moving in tonight? What reason could I give for-"
"You need a reason?" Claude asked. "A girl that looks like you? What guy in his right mind would insist on a reason? Look, I know this Don character has the hots for you. So all you've got to do is go over to his place tonight and keep him busy until it's too late to-"
I jerked my arm away from him. "No, I won't. You're not using me any more. Val promised that the whole thing would be over when Mama rented one of the rooms. The room is rented to Don and he's moving in tonight. And that's that!"
Claude grabbed my arm again and held it tight.
"That is not that," he said, in a menacing voice. We were almost to my house by now. Claude started walking faster, pulling me along. "Come on. I want to have a few words with you in private."
"No! Please!" I begged, holding back. I was scared to go inside the house with him. I was remembering the way he had hit me in the attic the other day.
But I couldn't help myself. Claude had me by one arm and Val took hold of my other arm and, using his key, unlocked the door and pushed me inside.
"Now then," Claude said, backing me against the wall and holding me there with his big mitts pinning my shoulders back. "You are going to do this little thing for us, aren't you, Red? Because if you don't, I'm going to rearrange your pretty features in such a way that you won't be able to have any influence on any man for a long time."
His dark face leered down into mine and his eyes glinted like an insane person's. I had little doubt that he would really hurt me and enjoy doing it.
"But what if I can't stop him? What if-?"
"You just do it," Claude commanded. "We're starting the party about nine. We'll be out of the house by midnight, before your mother gets home. Ulrich gets off work at nine. I suggest you be at his place when he arrives to pick up his stuff. And you keep him away from here, whatever you have to do. And just remember, if we get into any trouble because of that party, you're in even worse trouble. Because we'll not only drag you into the thing with us, but I'll settle with you in a very personal way later."
He reached over and took the lighted cigarette from between Val's fingers and held it very close to my face. "You dig, baby?"
I could feel the heat from the glowing cigarette. I was afraid to even nod my head for fear of being burned. "Yes," I gasped.
Claude grinned and inched the cigarette closer. "I ought to give you a small sample just to show you how it's gonna be if you fail us."
Val grabbed his arm, "Hey, don't mess her up, man. She's got to be ravishing for old Ulrich tonight."
Claude laughed and dropped the cigarette on the bare floor and ground it under his foot. "Yeah, that's right." He tilted his head and looked down at me through half-closed eyes. "You know, I envy that Ulrich character. He's not good enough for what he's going to get."
Val laughed. "You can say that again."
"She's hot stuff, huh?" Claude laughed.
"She sizzles," Val said.
Suddenly, Claude's face came down toward me and his mouth covered mine. I tried to twist my face away but he held my head between strong hands and leaned into me, grinding his hips against mine, trying to push me through the wall.
Then, just as suddenly, he let me go. I felt sick inside.
Claude said, "And that's a sample of the reward you might get if you play your part well tonight. And don't pretend you don't like it, baby. I'll have you crying and begging for more."
That night at nine o'clock, I was waiting on the steps of Don's rooming house when his old car pulled up to the curb and he got out, "Merry," he exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here? Did you come to help me get moved?"
I stood up and pulled my sport coat tighter about me against the chill night wind. "I've got to talk to you, Don."
"Okay. Come on, we'll run down to the comer for coffee."
"No, I don't want to go anyplace. Can't we go to your room?"
"Well, this is a house for men only, Merry. The landlady takes a dim view of young ladies in the rooms at night."
"Please, Don-" Suddenly, I began to cry. And the tears weren't put on. I was so nervous about what I was trying to do I couldn't keep from crying.
The smile faded from Don's face. He took my arm. "Okay, Merry, come on in for a minute. But be very quiet. The landlady lives upstairs. Chances are she wouldn't see you anyway."
He led me into the big house and down the hall to his room at the back. The room was small and cluttered with Don's belongings. Some of his clothes were thrown across the bed. A box half-filled with books was on the floor.
"Please excuse the way things look," he said. "I'm usually fairly neat, but I was sorting things, getting ready to move tonight."
"You don't have to move tonight do you, Don?" I asked.
"No, I don't have to-but I'd like to. Why?"
"Oh, I don't know. I'm in such a terrible mood tonight. I just wanted to be with someone. Talk to someone."
"Well, I'm your guy. Take off your coat, Merry, and sit down." Quickly, he moved some books off the only chair in the room.
. I took off my coat and tossed it on the bed.
Don let out a low whistle. "Hey, you look great," he said, his eyes taking in my black-wool jersey stretch pants and matching jersey blouse which hugged every curve of my braless breasts.
"Thank you." I sat down on the chair and crossed my legs, stretching the pants even tighter over my calves and thighs. I was glad I had worn this special outfit.
Don cleared a space on the bed and sat down. "You wanted to talk, Merry? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, really. I mean, nothing special. It's just everything." I was fishing around for something to say.
If Don caught on that I was trying to keep him from moving, there would be hell to pay.
"What do you mean, just everything?" he asked, his sincere eyes searching my face.
I shrugged. "It's everything, Don. My whole life. All of a sudden it seems to me as if my whole life adds up to nothing. And I don't know what I want or where I'm going."
"Well, what do you think you want, Merry?"
"Well, I used to think I wanted to go away to college and live in a sorority house and date handsome, rich frat guys."
"Like Val Adams?" Don asked, a bitter edge to his voice.
"I guess so. At least the kind of guy I thought Val was at first."
"You mean you've changed your mind about old Speedy Adams?"
"I certainly have. I don't know how I could have ever liked him. But you see, Don, I guess it all started with my father. I loved my father very much. He was a druggist back in Willow Grove and...."
As I talked, I realized I was on the right track now. I could tell him the whole story of my life. Well, almost the whole story. No point in telling him the worst parts. The parts I was ashamed of. But this way, I could keep him there for quite a while. Maybe it wouldn't even be necessary to seduce him.
Not that the idea of Don making love to me wasn't appealing. I'd thought about that night in the park many times. And now that my eyes had been opened to what Val really was, I could see that Don was a truly exciting man. The sort of man that a girl wouldn't have to be ashamed of loving.
So I talked on and on, telling him everything I could think of about my dreams and ambitions and my disappointments when things didn't work out the way I'd dreamed. I even confessed that I'd thought I was in love with Val and had hoped to get into a sorority through him. But I didn't tell him that Val and I had been lovers. And I didn't tell him about any of the degrading things that had been going on at my house.
Finally, I ran out of anything to say. Then Don said, "Feeling better now that you've got it all off your chest? No, kidding, Merry. I appreciate your confidence in talking to me about your feelings. But I really don't think you've got any reason to feel so blue. You seem to have gotten over most of those silly notions that you once had. And now that you've got your feet on solid ground again, all you have to do is settle down to getting the best education possible. That will be your best tool for getting what you want out of life."
"I guess you're right," I said.
"Of course, I'm not saying you should give up all ideas of romance," he said, his nice face breaking into a warm smile. "If you know some nice, ambitious lad who wants to date you-say a tall, skinny Education Major with a homely face and two left feet-"
I had to laugh, "Don, you goon."
Don stood up. "Come on, Merry. Help me get these things carried out to the car and we'll take them over to my new room"
I glanced at the clock on his desk. It was almost ten-thirty. "It's too late to move tonight," I said. "You must be tired from working so hard at the cafe. Why don't you wait until in the morning and I'll come over and help you?"
"No can do. One of the dishwashers is out sick and I promised to put in a double shift tomorrow. I've got to get this stuff moved tonight."
"You could wait until Sunday," I said, beginning to get desperate.
"I don't want to wait until Sunday. I want to do it tonight!" He looked at me with a puzzled look. "What's the matter with you, anyway? Why should you care if I move tonight?"
I'd have to do it. At least I'd have to try. It was the only thing left to keep him from going over to the house and finding that bunch there.
I stood up. "I just don't want you to go," I said. "There's one other thing I wanted to tell you. That's really why I came but I lost my courage."
"What is it, Merry?" The look in Don's eyes was of deep concern.
I moved closer to him. "What I really wanted to tell you is that I-I think I'm in love with you." With that, I put my arms around his neck and lifted my face for his kiss.
He hesitated only a moment, doubt and wonder in his eyes. Then he gathered me in his arms and kissed me. It was the sweetest kiss I'd ever known. Waves of happiness and desire washed over me. I do love him, my heart sang. I really do. And it's not like it was with Val. Not like with Val at all.
Don pulled his mouth away from mine and buried his face in my neck. "You aren't lying, are you, Merry? You aren't just on the rebound from Val?"
"No ... no...." I whispered. "I think I've always loved you but just didn't know it. I was so blinded by those silly dreams of mine. But ever since that night in the park when-"
Don pushed me away from him. His eyes were tortured but his mouth was set in a grim line. "I'm not proud of the way I acted that night," he said. "And I don't want anything like that to happen between us again. So, come on, I'm taking you home."
"No!" I threw my arms around his neck and tried to press myself against him. "Please, Don. I just can't be alone tonight. I want to be with you. Just hold me for a minute. Hold me and say you love me."
He put his arms around me again and held me tight. "I do love you, you crazy mixed-up nut. But if we stay here I'm afraid-"
"Don't be afraid, darling," I whispered, pressing my lips to his. "Don't be afraid. I want you to love me. Don ... Don...." I murmured his name against his lips. "You said I'd know your name the next time. I know it. Your name is Don and I love you."
He groaned but he didn't pull away. "Are you sure, darling?" he asked, his voice husky with emotion. "Be sure, my little sweetheart, because I love you more than anything in the world."
"I am sure," I murmured, my lips still against his. "My heart beats only for you, darling. Feel how crazy it beats."
I took his hand and placed it under my blouse just below my left breast. My heart was beating like crazy. I could almost hear it.
With a groan his mouth opened and closed over mine, and his hard tongue pushed past my lips and sought and found my own eager tongue. And his hand moved up to clasp my naked breast in strong fingers.
Hot flames shot through me, licking at my belly and my loins. My legs turned to water and I sagged against him.
He caught me, lifting me in strong arms and carried me across the room. Gently, he placed me on the bed and knelt beside me. He took my face in his hands and began to kiss my cheeks, my eyelids. "Sweetheart ... sweetheart...." he murmured between kisses.
Then he began to undress me. Slowly, carefully, he first unbuttoned my blouse. When it was open, he leaned forward and gave each breast a tender kiss. I trembled at the touch of his gentle lips.
He raised me up far enough so that he could slip my arms out of the blouse. Then he unzipped my pants and began to work .the clinging material down over my hips. I lay still, helping him only by raising my hips just enough so that he could pull the garment free.
Then I lay completely exposed to his view. He stood up and gazed down at me. The light in his eyes wasn't selfish lust, but wonder and love. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "So very beautiful...."
He moved more rapidly then, getting out of his own clothes. But while he removed his shirt and pants and hung them, with mine, over the back of the chair, his eyes never left me. I lay very still, enjoying his caressing eyes. Then I turned my head to watch his naked figure as he crossed the room to switch out the light. Why had I thought him thin? He was only lean with firm, flexible muscles. His skin was suntanned to a golden brown, except for his small, tight rump which was pale from last summer's bathing trunks.
He's beautiful too, I thought. Like a man who was one with the earth. I sighed when I felt him on the bed beside me, and gathered him into my arms.
There was no rough urgency in his lovemaking. He moved with gentle sureness, memorizing my body with his lips and fingertips. I sighed as his soft lips traced patterns across my shoulders and breasts. I shivered as his fingers and mouth explored the flatness of my belly. As he turned me over and ran his hands over my bare back, pressed his lips into the gentle slope where my back curved to meet my hips and molded the yielding flesh of my buttocks between his strong fingers.
As he turned me again, I groaned and reached out with one leg to wind it around his neck, drawing him down to me. He murmured words I couldn't understand and hid his face in the warm softness between my thighs.
After a few minutes I was no longer content to he passive while he played on my body as an inspired musician draws his bow across the taut strings of a fine violin. I wanted to learn about him too. My eager hands began to explore, and I thrilled to the smooth hardness of his body. The way the muscles were like ripples under the skin. The way he tensed and then shivered when my fingertips found a sensitive spot or my lips moved in to tell him that I loved that part of him.
At last my passion mounted until his tender caresses were not enough. "Don't be so gentle with me," I whispered.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't ... Please, darling ... Take me ... Force me...."
He needed no further bidding to unleash the full force of his desire. As he spread my legs and climbed between them, I gasped with joy. Ifs the first time, my happy heart told me. Love had wiped out all the rest and this was the first time.
His mouth claimed mine and his tongue began to push back and forth, in and out of my mouth, the thrusts coming deeper and faster all the time as the vigor of his bodily thrusts increased.
I moved with him, bringing my tongue to meet his and raising my hips to meet his with each exciting thrust. Soon we were both caught up in a frenzy of passion that hurled us toward that one moment when the whole world burst into naming rockets that shot high into the sky and came down in a cascade of shimmering lights.
When it was over, Don still held me tenderly, kissing my face and eyelids, murmuring his love.
At last he whispered, sleepily, "I'll take you home."
"I am home, darling," I answered. "At home in your arms. Go to sleep."
"Goodnight, tiger," he murmured.
"Goodnight, lover."
CHAPTER TWELVE
Suddenly, my eyes flew open and I lay staring into the dark, frightened and not knowing why. Then I remembered. The party. The party was why I lay beside Don in his little room. But his wonderful love had brought me such joy and peace that all memory of Val and the Gammas had gone out of my mind.
But I couldn't be through with them for sure until I knew they were out of the house and there was no evidence around to greet Mama's eyes when she got home. Besides, as much as I longed to drift off to sleep in my lover's arms and wake up in the morning to his kiss, I couldn't. I had to be at home when Mama got there or she would be frantic with worry.
I turned my head and looked at the clock on the desk. The luminous dial said twenty till twelve. I'd have to hurry. I slipped out of bed being careful not to awaken Don, dressed in the dark and left the room.
The party was still going on. The house was ablaze with lights and I could hear sounds of music as I drew near. I went up on the porch and tried to peep through the blinds, but they were drawn too tight.
I went around to the side of the house but couldn't find a window where I could see anything. I noticed that the lights in Mrs. Peevy's house were out. Thank God. That meant she was probably asleep and not being bothered by the sounds of the party.
Still there was nothing to worry about. No one would complain about a party on a Friday night in a college town-not unless the party got really wild. So all I had to do was go in the house and remind them that it was almost midnight and they would clear out and I would straighten up and be in my own bed by the time Mama got there.
I slipped in the back door. There was no one in the kitchen though the lights were on. The wall clock said fifteen till twelve. Don's clock must have been a few minutes fast. There was still plenty of time. Mama wouldn't be home for at least thirty minutes. Maybe they would break it up and clear out without me having to tell them to.
That would be better. I didn't want to go in there unless I had to. But I was very curious to find out what was going on. Except for the music, there wasn't much noise.
I remembered the peep-holes in the attic. If I could slip up there, I could watch. And if they got out by twelve, I wouldn't have to come down until they had one.
I took a look out in the hallway. There was no one. Apparently, everybody was in the living room. A phonograph was playing rock 'n' roll and I could hear voices, but they weren't loud. Someone was singing softly. There was a strange smell in the air. A smoky odor, but strange.
I hurried to the stair doorway, slipped inside and climbed up into the attic. I knelt on the floor and peered down into the living room. What I saw shocked me. It looked as if some sort of drunken orgy had been going on. But now everybody was lying around on the floor or draped across the furniture in various stages of nakedness.
I saw Val sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He was completely nude. At first, I thought he was asleep. Then he opened his eyes and reached out for a small lighted cigarette in the ashtray beside him. He put the tiny cigarette to his lips and took a deep drag.
Kimberly Stufflebean was lying on the sofa, on her stomach. She wore only a pair of black-lace panties. She appeared to be asleep.
Carol Knight was on her feet and awake, but just barely. She was struggling to put her clothes on but was having trouble finding the arm holes in her dress.
Jack Rollins sprawled in a chair, his head thrown back, his mouth open and his eyes closed. He was wearing an unbuttoned shirt and nothing else.
There was some completely naked girl lying on the floor spreadeageled. I couldn't tell who it was because her long, blonde hair covered her face.
Suddenly, Claude Van Dyke appeared in the doorway. He must have been in one of the bedrooms. He was wearing his pants but was barefoot and bare-chested. He stood there a moment, taking in the scene through half-closed eyes. Then he started across the room, walking slowly and uneasily as if he was half-drunk. There were a few empty glasses sitting around the floor so I supposed they had been drinking and were all about out.
What a mess, I thought. I'd really have trouble getting them out of the house if they were passed-out drunk.
I watched Claude. When he reached the blonde girl on the floor, he kicked at her with his bare toe, rolling her over. But she didn't wake up. Val raised his head and laughed.
Claude made his way on toward where Val sat. When he reached the sofa he slipped his fingers underneath the elastic band of Kim's black panties and pulled them down, exposing her small, round bottom. Then he leaned over and planted a kiss on one soft, white mound. Val laughed again and took another drag on the cigarette.
Claude walked on over to where Val sat and stretched out his hand. Val shook his head and said something. Claude answered something and snapped his fingers. His face looked angry. With a shrug, Val handed over the short stub of the cigarette. Claude took it and puffed on it hungrily.
There was something strange-looking about that thin cigarette. The paper was darker than most cigarette paper. Marijuana! It must be! Don had said some of the Gammas were playing around with marijuana and I'd refused to believe it.
I jumped up, panic filling me. I had to get them out of the house and clean up the evidence before Mama got home. I stumbled down the stairs and burst into the living room.
"Get out," I cried. "Get your clothes on and get out. It's almost midnight."
Val looked up and laughed, "And what do you turn into at midnight? A pumpkin?"
Claude turned around. "Well, look who's come to our party. Little Miss Hot Pants herself."
"Please," I begged, "You've got to get out of here." Just then the kitchen clock chimed the hour. Mama would be starting home any minute.
"Say, Red, you missed all the fun." Claude strolled over to me and tried to put his arms around me.
I pulled back. "Please, Claude. You promised you'd be out by twelve."
He ignored what I said and grabbed me again, pulling me against him, trying to kiss me. I turned my head to one side and struggled to get free.
Claude hung on. He called to Val, "Hey, buddy, here's one we ain't had."
I've had her," Val answered.
"Well, I haven't. Come help me hold her."
Val got up and came to help Claude. "Let's get those clothes off her," Claude said.
I fought them, crying, "No, please! You have to get out. My mother will be here!"
They paid no attention. One of them held me while the other skinned my blouse and pants off. "Hey, she's naked underneath," Claude said, laughing in glee. "That's what I call cooperation."
The next thing I knew I was on my back on the floor and Claude's big body was on top of me, his mouth devouring mine with thick, wet lips, his pelvic bones grinding into my soft flesh as if he were trying to push me through the floor.
I tried to fight him off but I couldn't move my legs. Val must have been holding them. But I beat on the sides of his head with my fists until he pulled back.
"Damn you, lie still," he ordered.
I began to cry hysterically. "Please! We've got to get out! Please!"
"Shut up, you two-bit whore. You'll go when I'm ready for you to go."
Through a blur of tears, I saw Jack's red face loom back of Claude. "Whatcha got there, good brother?" Jack asked.
"The landlady," Claude snapped. "Well don't just stand there. Hold her arms. She thinks she's a threshing machine or something."
Jack knelt down at my head and grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the floor. Claude stood up and looked down at me, all spread out, Val holding my ankles and Jack holding my wrists.
"That's really something," he said, running his tongue over his lower lip. "That's the prettiest picture I've seen in a long time." Slowly, he began removing his pants.
I was too exhausted to struggle any more. Besides, it wouldn't have done any good. I couldn't move.
"Hey, Claude," a strange voice called. "That's really something you got there. How about giving me a piece?"
I turned my head. Another Gamma stood in the doorway. He was short and stocky, with red hair and freckles. I didn't know his name. A chubby brunette stood next to him. She was wearing my blue-satin robe.
"Sure, Hank, old man," Claude said. "Help yourself-after I'm through."
Jack said, "Get in line, Hank. I'm next."
The new girl said, in a thick, sleepy voice, "Who is she, anyway?
Claude laughed. "Of course there may not be much left when I get through with her. I'm rough on women."
My eyes came back to Claude's face. His face, as he stared down at me, was the most evil and frightening thing I'd ever seen His eyes weren't human eyes. More like the eyes of some jungle beast about to spring for the kill.
I closed my own eyes. I couldn't look at him. I wouldn't look at any of those cruel, dope-mad faces. "Please ... please...." I sobbed, knowing it would do no good.
"You don't have to beg me for it, baby," Claude said. "You're going to get it right now!"
With that he fell on me, and there was nothing kind or gentle about his assault. He was an inhuman monster, crazy with dope and lust, pounding at me with that big body, driving into me time and time again with hurting thrusts.
I was only dimly aware of the filthy words he growled between his grunts and gasps and of the vile things the others called to him to urge him on. I could only lie there powerless to do anything but pray that it would be over soon.
Eventually, it was over and he fell away from me, spent and fighting for breath.
"Come on, Claude, hold her for me," Jack's voice came through the roaring in my ears.
"Just a minute, you bastard," Claude gasped. "Let me catch my breath first."
Then Jack was on top of me and the action started all over again. The pounding, the relentless assault on my body that threatened to rip it to shreds. And the voices all around me ... girl's voices now as well as men's ... I heard them as a part of the roaring wheels going round and round in my head ... not understanding ... I was scarcely aware of when Jack finished with me and Hank began....
Suddenly, it was over. Thank God he was through ... Were there any more? But, no, something was going on. The man's heavy body hadn't fallen away, panting like the others. This one had barely started when he had pulled away. Or been jerked off of me....
"I'll kill you ... dirty, rotten...." It was a new voice ... I knew that voice, ... but I couldn't think .
I opened my eyes and saw Don's face, contorted with insane rage. He had pulled the man off me and now he leaped on him, slamming at him with his fists. "I'll kill you ... you godamned...."
The fight didn't last long. The others jumped him. Don fought like a wildcat, but he didn't have a chance. I closed my eyes again, unable to watch what they were doing to him ... hating myself because I was too weak to help him.
There was a loud, cracking noise and a groan Then a thud on the floor near me. I opened my eyes again. Don lay near me, sprawled on the floor, his eyes shut. Blood trickled from a cut on his head. And Claude stood over him holding a heavy bottle in his hand.
They've killed him! The thought was a scream inside my head but I couldn't utter a sound or move from where I lay.
"I want to go home." It was one of the girls. I didn't know which one. She was crying.
"Shut up that bawling," Claude ordered. "Come on let's get out of here. This party ain't no fun no more."
"Hey, wait a minute." That was Val's voice. "I didn't get my time in the saddle."
"I thought you said you didn't want her," Claude said.
"I didn't say I didn't want her. I just said I'd already had her. But I never had her like this before. Not in front of such an appreciative audience. Look, even old Ulrich is waking up. Prop him up, men, and hold him steady. I want him to observe my technique."
"Oh, God, no ... no...." I groaned. Not Val too. Not in front of Don.
Val stood over me, leering down. I looked up into the face that I had once loved so long ago and whispered, "Please ... please, don't...."
Val laughed and threw himself down on me.
Suddenly, a loud banging shook the room. Somebody yelled, "It's the cops!" Somebody else yelled, "Let's get out of here!" A girl screamed.
A gruff male voice ordered, "Stand right where you are. Cool it, everybody."
The next few minutes are sort of hazy in my memory. There was a man in a policeman's uniform who wrapped me in a blanket and lifted me up. He put me on the sofa. I closed my eyes. My mind seemed to black out and then come to again. I could hear people moving about and talking. None of it made much sense. I heard a siren wail in the distance.
The one clear thought that kept coming back to me was, If Don is dead I want to die too.
When they carried me out to the ambulance, someone caught my hand and a voice murmured, "My baby ... my poor baby...."
I kept my eyes closed. I would have died of shame if I'd have to look into my mother's eyes at that moment.
It's all over now. Looking back it seems like some nightmare that I had a long time ago, though it has actually been only a few weeks. There was a complete investigation. I talked to school authorities and to the police. There were endless question-and-answer sessions. I told the truth and made little effort to spare myself. There seemed no point in lying.
When it was over, the Gammas who had taken part in the party were suspended from the university and had to stand trial for possession of marijuana. All but Claude Van Dyke got a suspended sentence. The girls got suspended sentences too.
I was the only one who was allowed to return to school. They decided that I hadn't really wanted to have anything to do with the party.
Mama went to court with me and tried to take all the blame because she had left me on my own at night. She never said one word of reproach to me about what had happened. I guess she knew how ashamed I was and how much I was punishing myself.
As for Don-well, I felt so guilty about what I'd done to him that I felt I couldn't face him. Besides, I was sure that he'd never want to see me again. But he sent word by Mama that he wanted me to come see him in the hospital where they had him because he had a mild concussion. I went. I dreaded it, but I'd played the coward too long.
The sight of his sweet face under the white head bandages tore at my heart. I stood in the doorway, trying to find the right words to tell him how I felt.
"Don, I-I have to tell you-"
"Don't tell me," Don said. "If there's any more to the story, I don't want to know about it. I've had plenty of time to think, lying here. I'm a fool, I guess, but I still love you."
"Oh, Don...." I pressed my hand to my mouth and blinked back the tears.
"I went looking for you that night because I was worried when I woke up and found you gone. I knew there was something driving you that night. But all I want to know now is, did you feel any real love for me or was your only interest in keeping me away from the party?"
"I forgot all about the Gammas and the party the minute you put your arms around me. I loved you then, Don, and I love you now."
A little smile played about his lips and he held out his arms and held me close. "Then the subject's closed," he said. "We'll never talk about it again."
He kissed me. "Who's your fellow?" he murmured against my lips.
"Some long, lean country boy."
"Who you gonna marry?"
"Some poor-as-a-church-mouse History teacher. If he ever gets his degree."
"What's his name?" he asked. "Can't remember," I teased.
He jerked me against him and covered my mouth with a kiss so alive and passionate my head whirled, while one of his hands worked up under my skirt to trace thrilling designs on my sensitive flesh.
When he released my mouth, I sucked in my breath. "Take it easy. You're supposed to be sick."
With a wicked twinkle in his brown eyes, his slim fingers moved on in their exciting exploration, forcing my legs apart, probing the inviting warmth of that spot.
I gasped my pleasure. "You better quit," I warned, "Unless you want the nurse to come in and find a naked girl in bed with you."
He laughed and thrust his finger deeper. "What's my name?" he whispered, urgently.
"Don," I gasped. "Don, my love...." I leaned against him in complete surrender.
