Sex is the subject of a complexity of taboos in modern society. The sexual taboo has extended even to the rational discussion of sexual problems that society must face. Only in recent years has the rapidly growing scientific literature on the subject become available to the lay public; and even today there is lamentable public ignorance of "facts of life" that have long been known to scientists.
-Frank S. Caprio, M.D. Variations in Sexual Behavior
INTRODUCTION
As a writer I was always interested in what caused people to act the way they did. It always intrigued me that people could always act in so many ways and get so fouled up in their thinking. A long time ago I began to wonder why people did, in fact, get fouled up. I wondered why there was so much unhappiness and confusion in people and started thinking about this rather seriously in the hope of finding some answer or solution or perhaps just some understanding.
This need to understand went almost completely unfed for a long time until I happened to meet a young girl who lived down the hall in my apartment building. She was one of those people who lived in bitterness, with contempt for herself.
When I first met her she seemed rather despondent about things. The second time I talked with her I noticed the same bitterness.
I was intrigued by Laurie from the beginning and used to use any occasion to talk with her. She was attractive and I felt an attachment toward her, but also I was wondering about her own life and why she, at the age of nineteen, had almost given up on living.
One night then, I started to get an idea. It seemed that she wanted me to stay with her that night but somewhere in her nature I felt something that was saying no. She asked me to stay but I felt as though this statement, this desire, was not actually what she was thinking.
That night I did take her to bed and when I first touched her I noticed that she was tense. Again I began to think about that feeling I had had before. I began to think that actually, even though I was in bed with her, she didn't want me there.
As I lay there I was perplexed for a while. Her mood seemed to fluctuate between warmth and coldness. At one moment I would pick up one feeling then, in the next breath I would feel something else.
As I touched her again I noticed her stiffen. I held my hand on her breast and, weird as it might seem, I finally began to understand a few things about why people get involved in things they don't want and why so many of them are miserable.
As I held my hand on this girl's breast, I noticed that her emotion at the time was not of sexual arousal, but of blank appalling fear-the same emotion she had showed me earlier in the night.
When I understood this, it seemed to me that perhaps this was one of the reasons why so many people are lost. It seemed that she was lying there with a man totally afraid but unaware of why she had stepped into the bedroom with him in the first place.
It seemed to me that poor little Laurie was confused and didn't understand the difference between sexual excitement and fear. It also seemed that she was running on one emotion and thought it was something else. She was running on fear and thought it was sexual excitement.
As I held her and tried to calm this fear she soon began to warm up. She rolled toward me and hugged me. She rested against me like a small child, then asked me to make love to her. After I loved her, she laid back and shook her head. Then she rolled to her side with her back to me and buried her face in the pillow. She closed her eyes tight and moaned something to the effect that it never worked. It just never worked.
I liked her and again I touched her. I rolled her to her back and stared at her face. She was crying and I wanted to know why but she never answered.
As I looked at her I wondered again if she had any idea that she was afraid during the first part of sex. I wondered if she had any idea that this was being confused with her sexual drive.
I asked her then and she laughed. She told me I was crazy to even think a thought like that. Then she said bluntly that she didn't know what she felt and sat up.
As she sat there she turned about. She looked at me for the longest time then threw her arms about my neck. She pressed her face against my chest and begged me to help her, saying that she was frightened.
As I held her and felt her tremble I began to think that perhaps there was some way to understand people.
I asked her then to level with me. I asked her to tell me about herself. I asked her to help me understand what happened to make her afraid.
Laurie pulled back then turned. She slapped her hands to her face and moaned. She started sobbing again then dropped to the bed and pulled the blanket about her face. She told me it was too ugly to talk about it. She told me the things she had done were too horrible.
I begged her to tell me. I told her I wanted to help her and that's how this book got started.
That night I talked with her and before I got done I was sure she was running on fear. Before I left her apartment I was positive about it.
The next day I was still thinking about this dualism of emotion when she came to the apartment. She talked with me again and I asked her if she knew other women who were in the same trouble. She said that she did. She said that she knew other people who were just as miserable as she was.
After about six days of talking with her, I finally found a little technique which I used with her. It seemed to me that if a person could just find out what he was feeling and what he or she should be feeling, then they were on their way to finding their own type of security and their own cures to their mental problems. In other words, if a person entered into a sexual affair and should, by all aspects of normalcy, feel sexually aroused but understood that he or she was feeling resentment, rejection or hatred, or some other emotion, then they could find their own conflicts and the reasons for their own troubles. If, instead of feeling sexual arousal in some situation which called for it, they felt something else, it appeared to me that all they had to do was check and understand themselves and make some sense out of their confused lives.
I tried to make Laurie understand this and did in fact get her to understand that she was motivated not by high sensuality, but by fear. She began to understand that she was running on two emotions instead of one and began to understand why she got to screwed up in her thinking. She began to see that fear ruled her life and liked the knowledge she had gained so much that she started talking with her friends, bringing them about to try this silly little experiment.
The following is the story of Laurie and some of her friends. It is not supposed to be taken as the work of a psychologist. It is only the work of one person who wanted so desperately to understand what motivated his fellow man and wanted so desperately to help them.
This book represents my own ideas about sexual conflicts.
-Jerry North
CHAPTER ONE
LAURIE
As I stated in the introduction, Laurie was a girl running on fear. In this short passage the reader will see how this fear developed and became a part of the sexual drive. The reader will be able to see why she began to feel afraid and sexually aroused and soon began to confuse the two emotions and make them one.
"I was about fifteen at the time. It was during the afternoon after school one day. I had come home and was in my bedroom. I was dressed in my panties and sitting at the dresser. As I sat there I looked at my breasts and the dark shadow between my legs. I was curious about a few things and pulled the elastic away from my stomach. I looked down at the thick dark curls then placed my hand over my mound. The sensation was warming. I thrilled and moved my hand down further. I touched the moist lips and parted them. I found the moist entrance and dipped my finger inside.
"The sensations grew and I got up. I walked to the bed and dropped back. I peeled off my panties and tossed them beside the bed. I lay there and opened my legs. I placed my hand over my pussy again and pressed it. Then I slipped the finger between the lips and started rolling the hardened little knob there. I grew excited and before long was wiggling on the bed. I stabbed my finger into my tight vagina and started masturbating for the first time in my life.
"It was dreamy lying there like that. I felt relaxed and warm and didn't have a care in the world. I worked my finger slowly in and out of my pussy and touched the nipple. Then I moved my knees back and started exploring everywhere, stabbing my fingers into my body, loving the sensations that were running through me.
"I was lying there with my finger inside my anus and half out of my mind. My nipples were hard and my stomach was knotted, between my legs my genitals were soaked and seemed so excited I could hardly bare it. I lay there and just drifted. It was like I was falling asleep. I probed my finger deeper then touched myself between the legs, working my other finger into my vagina.
"The door flew open. Before I knew it I saw a huge blur. My mother ran into the room and pulled my hands away from my body. She grabbed my wrist and jerked me from the bed. She slammed me on the floor and started slapping me across the face. I lay there and the pain soon washed away any sexual excitement I had. Before long I was just cowering against the bed, letting her beat me, feeling more afraid than I had ever been in my life.
"My mother jerked me about. She told me then that I would go insane because of it. She told me that it was terrible and that something would happen to me. She told me that I had better never do it again and never say anything about it to my father. From then on I hid from her. I used to go home but after that I made sure the room was locked. I touched myself quickly but never laid on the bed long.
"I guess it was about a year later. I went over to a friends house to spend the evening. When we were in bed I felt the same fear. I looked at the door and wondered when my friend's parents would be coming into the room to see what we were doing. My friend, Angie, asked me what was wrong. I told her that I was afraid and she asked why. I told her then what had happened and she moved toward me. She placed her hand on my buttocks and soothed them. She told me not to be afraid, that nothing would happen, that her parents never came into her room.
"I rolled to my back then. I looked at her young face and touched her cheek. She smiled then moved back and slid under the covers. She pulled the straps of my nightie aside and jerked it down over my breasts. She cupped her hand over one of my breasts then touched her lips to the other. I was still afraid and told her. She got up then and walked to the door. She locked it and called me across the room. I got up and checked the door. When it was locked and I felt more secure.
"When I turned she touched the straps on her nightie and pushed them off her shoulders. Her young breasts stood straight out and her nipples were hard and shiny. She stood there and I looked down at the blonde mound between her legs and trembled. I looked back at the door then turned and touched her legs. Angie's face went limp. She smiled then turned and walked to the dresser. She dropped to her knees and reached under the bottom drawer for something. She pulled out an envelope then turned to me. She held out her hand and we walked back to the bed. I wondered what she was doing with the envelope and slipped under the sheet. She undid the envelope then pulled out some pictures. The first picture startled me. It showed a boy lying there naked on the bed. Angie was sitting at his hips, leaning over. His penis was in her mouth. The next picture showed Angie on her back. Her legs were parted wide and the boy was between them. His penis was half buried inside her.
"The next picture showed her sitting on him. She was leaning over his chest and her legs were parted. His penis was stuffed inside her again. The next picture was different. Angie was lying there with a girl. The girl's legs were parted wide. Her dark triangle was completely visible. Angie's fingers were pressed inside her and her head was on her chest. The next one stopped me dead in my tracks. It showed Angie on top of the girl facing her feet. Her head was between the legs and girl's hands were atop it, holding it there.
"I looked at the picture then turned. I looked at Angie and touched her cheek. Angie stared back at me and smiled. She touched my cheek and moved her hand down to my breast. She squeezed my breast then moved her hand down my legs.
"She asked me then if I knew what she wanted. I turned my head and looked at the door. I was trembling again then turned and looked at her. I asked her if it was safe and she insisted that it was. She told me then that the pictures were of her cousin and her. She said they had been doing things for nearly a year and never had gotten caught yet. She said her parents never came into the room at all.
"I looked at the pictures and trembled again. I moved to her and felt secure when I was against her. It seemed that having someone next to me was warming. As she touched me though I started shaking. I kept waiting for something to happen. I don't know what was happening but I kept waiting for something.
"She touched my pussy and her finger moved into it. I tensed and as she touched me I wondered if she was going to help me get rid of the uneasiness I was feeling. I lay back then and her fingers roamed over my pussy and down. She touched my buttocks and moved her fingers along them. Then she moved back and touched her lips to my breast. She moved down and lightly peppered my stomach with kisses. She reached my legs and parted them slowly. Then she burrowed her lips against my mound and stabbed her tongue into the moist entrance.
"I lay there and felt little or nothing at all for the first few moments. Then her tongue started rolling the nipple and things changed. Suddenly I was growing excited and liked what she was doing. I reached down and cupped my hands to the back of her head. I pulled her against me and wiggled my hips up. I planted my entrance against her lips and begged her softly to kiss me there.
"Angie moaned and her tongue moved into my pussy as far as she could make it. She kissed me then pulled away. She turned about and pulled me to my side. She planted her hands on my buttocks and kissed me again while I was lying on my side.
"I looked at the door and as the moments passed realized that the house was quiet. I grew assured and turned. I looked at her slim legs then touched her thigh. Angie moaned and her leg lifted into the air. I looked at the soft triangle between her legs and moved forward. I touched my lips against one thigh then moved up and touched her mound.
"She looked so soft and warm. I wanted to be close to her and moved against her. I touched my lips against her mound and wiggled my tongue into the channel. As I kissed her I became hungry for her. I moved against her and hugged her tight. I plunged my face between her legs.
"Angie moaned and her finger stabbed into me. I felt more excited than I had ever felt and shivered. Then I pulled her hand away from my loins and touched the back of her head. I guided her back between my legs and lay there.
"We did it four times that night but it was never enough. It seemed that I was always anxious for more. When she pulled away each time I insisted that she touch me. I felt uneasy when she was gone from me and hugged against her.
"As things turned out I found I needed her. I went back to her house a few days later and wanted it again. I lay there with her and was hungry for sex. The days passed and one afternoon, during the summer I went back to her place. I opened the front door and wandered into the house. I knew her parents were gone. The car was not in the driveway. Her parents both worked. When I entered the house I felt secure. I walked up the stairs and reached the landing on top. I headed for the bedroom and stopped at the door.
"Inside I heard something. I was about to turn away and walked back to the landing. As I stood there looking down into the front room, the door to her room opened and she stood there. I walked back to her and looked over her shoulder. Her cousin, the boy who I had seen in the pictures, was lying on the bed. His penis was standing in the air and his legs were parted.
"I felt worried again and walked into the bedroom. I closed the door and locked it then turned and looked at him. He got up and came to where I was standing. He looked at my face then lifted my dress. He placed his hand over my mound and pressed it. Then he pulled my panties away from my stomach and skipped his hand down, between my legs and over my mound.
"I was frightened at first. I stood there and as he touched me the fear seemed to vanish. I dropped against his chest and closed my eyes. My hands touched his back and moved down to his hard buttocks. I squeezed them and pulled him against me. He moaned and pressed his penis against me. He shivered then pulled back. He looked down at his penis and his eyes told me what he wanted. I stared at his penis and shivered with fear. I touched it and moved my fingers about it. Then I started holding it and he showed me how to move my hand. He grew more and more excited and pulled my dress apart in back. He shoved the dress down off my shoulders and pushed it over my hips. Then he shoved my panties half way down my legs and jerked me against him. He placed his hands under my buttocks and lifted me into the air. He w-edged his penis against me and slipped it along the mound.
"I moaned and threw my arms about his neck. I worked my panties off one foot and threw my knees about his hips. He staggered with me toward the bed and fell on top of me. He pushed against my mound and his penis rushed toward the maidenhead. He shivered, then I gripped his buttocks and pulled him hard. I hugged him against me and his head flew back. His face twisted almost cruelly then his penis pushed through my maidenhead and into my body.
"I lay there and looked up. His face was contorted and his eyes were closed. His mouth fell open and he was breathing hard. He looked down and pulled his penis out slowly. Then he shoved it in again and pressed it completely inside. I felt the pain and tears rushed down my cheeks. I shivered as his hugeness entered me. Then I turned and watched his penis entering slowly again. The sight of the thing moving like that thrilled me. I watched it disappear then closed my eyes. I placed my hands on his buttocks and held him against me. I wanted him so much against me then. I wanted all his weight upon me.
"He understood and dropped against me. He pressed his long penis inside me and held it there. He rested against me then told me he had to be careful. He never moved for a few moments after that but stayed there. Then he moaned again and moved back slowly. He looked at his penis and watched it leave. Then he turned and dropped on his back.
"Angie turned about quickly and sat on his stomach. She settled down on his penis and held him inside. I rolled over and kissed him then turned and watched what they were doing. Angie started rolling her hips back and forth. She pulled up and settled down against him slowly. She wiggled again and again then started moving up and down, taking him gently. Angie leaned and touched her lips to my cheek. I got up and walked around her. I knelt behind her and placed my hands on her breasts. I held them and rolled them as she dropped her head back against my shoulder and rolled her hips wildly back and forth.
"As I held her I watched Charlie. He was half out of his mind. His head was rolling back and forth. His hands were wrapped about her hips and his hips were dancing up and down, stabbing against her. Then he groaned and arched under her. He pulled her hips down with all his might and jerked several times. He threw his head back and a grimace flashed across his face.
"Desperately Angie's hand cupped mine over her breast. She squeezed with all her might and turned her head. With her other hand she touched the back of my head and pulled me against her mouth. She kissed me desperately and moaned, then snapped through her climax. Angie turned and leaned over. Her face went limp. Then she moaned and dropped away from him. She fell to her back and let her legs part wide.
"I looked at her and the hunger was fierce. I dropped beside her and touched her mound. I begged her to do it to me then started raining kisses over her body. I turned about and kissed her. Angie knew what I needed and touched my mound. She was tired but stabbed her finger inside me. She moved against me then turned and rolled her head back. She closed her eyes and rested while she satisfied me.
"When I climaxed I didn't really relax. It seemed just like the other times, I was still anxious for something. I felt something draining in my body but that was not good enough. I wanted something else. I needed something else. I turned from her then and moved against Charlie. I touched his hand and placed it between my legs. I pressed it against my mound and begged him to masturbate me.
"Charlie masturbated me for a while and again I finished. I liked what he was doing and moved against him. I placed his leg between mine and moved my hips back and forth, grinding my mound against him. Then I touched his penis and tried to get him hard again. A few moments later he was hard. He told me that after the first time, if he washed, it would be safe. He told me there would be nothing to worry about.
"When I heard what he was saying I was thrilled. I was still hurting down there but I wanted it. I wanted to have him there no matter what. I needed to have him there. I was still as worked up as ever.
"Charlie got up and walked out of the room. He stepped into the bathroom and started washing himself. I lay there. I looked at the door and got up. I wandered into the bathroom and he was washing it. I stepped behind him and touched his hips. I moved my hands to the front of his person and started soaping his penis. Charlie moaned and dropped his head back against my shoulder. He closed his eyes and moaned against me then his penis started to rise. He turned about and stepped into the shower. He turned the water on and washed his penis. Then he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. He wiped himself and tossed the towel on the rack. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bathroom into the bedroom.
"I fell to the bed and he dropped between my legs. I was still hurting, but that didn't matter. He entered me and started moving and soon I forgot about the pain and everything else. All I could think about was him being there. It took him a long while to get really excited. He was still half dead from what he had done with Angie, and it seemed that he could not get worked up. His penis remained hard but he could not climax readily.
"I lay there and shivered. I kept waiting for another climax. I kept waiting for something to happen to deaden the need inside me. Before long I was hugging him. My legs were wrapped about his hips. My hands were wrapped about his buttocks. I was pulling him tighter, feeling the excitement rush through me in waves. I moaned and whimpered. I pressed my face against his shoulder. I bit his ear and shivered through one climax after the other.
"Then it started to happen for him. He threw his head back and a grimace shot across his face. He closed his eyes and pressed his hips tight against mine. He moaned, then started stabbing harder as his penis swelled inside me. I cried out at his passion and hugged him. He drove me wild and I hugged tighter and tighter. Then he felt as though he was swelling and shivered. He pressed all of it inside me and held tight. He threw his face against my shoulder and whimpered. Then he shivered again and dropped against me breathing harder and harder.
"I lay there and he moved away. I just lay there afterwards and looked at the ceiling. I wondered what the Sam hill was happening. I wondered what was going on. It was weird then. A few days later I was sitting in the house. I was alone and started missing Angie. The house was dark and quiet. I sat there and wanted to get out. My parents had left and I was afraid of something.
"I went over to Angie's house and her cousin took me out. We went to a drive-in and had oral sex together. He just laid there and his penis was standing. I was on the floor and took him into my mouth. I did it real slow and he liked it. When I got home I felt cheated or something like that. I wondered why I had gone over there. I couldn't figure why I ended up in the drive-in with him like that.
"My parents were home and asked me where I had been. I told them I had a date and went to the show. I felt bad when they asked me about it. I told them it was Angie's cousin but felt bad about talking to them about it.
"Finally I went into my room. I lay there and before I knew it was starting again. I started touching myself and drifted off to sleep."
It was apparent that this poor girl was confused. She felt afraid and needed sex. In her own mind the feelings of fear or the fear of bodily injury was imputed as being sexual excitement. When she thought she was going to be hurt as she was the first time by her mother, she needed someone to assure her that it would not happen. But, even though she was near someone she never was satisfied because she was actually trying to find some way to convince herself that she was secure instead of being afraid. She was trying to find some way to tell herself that she was not afraid of bodily injury. This accounts, in my eyes, for the fact that she was always somewhat dissatisfied when she finished her sexual relations. This accounts for the fact that she felt uneasy when she was through. She was running with a mixture of two emotions. She was running for the longest time with a combination of fear and sexual desire which not only confused her but also made her life a complete misery of misunderstanding.
I asked her after that what she thought of when she thought for the first time about something sexual. She thought about the question for a moment then smiled. She touched the side of her cheek as though she was beginning to understand what I was getting at, then told me that whenever she thought of something sexual, she became afraid of something.
I asked her then what she was afraid of and she seemed to laugh. She turned and walked across the room then slapped her hands on her face. She was beginning to understand that her problem, or most of her problem, was just due to the fact that she didn't understand the emotions she owned or what she was doing with them.
She had thought fear to be sexual.
CHAPTER TWO
MILDRED
A few days later the doorbell rang. When I answered it I found Laurie standing there with a friend of hers. They walked in and Laurie mentioned that she had been trying to get the other woman, named Mildred, to understand what we had been talking about the other night.
Mildred was about thirty-two and married. She was one of those hard people. Even her face, though lovely as it was, had some hard expression about it as though she were calloused to the whole world.
We sat down and had coffee. Mildred immediately started slamming people and their hang-ups. She said that everyone had their little hang-ups and there was nothing anyone else could do about them. She then mentioned that people acted in weird ways and that was that, it was senseless to try to understand them.
I sat there and didn't much feel like talking with her. She seemed so far out of it that it was almost senseless to think about it. No matter what I said or attempted to say she had some quick, jabbing remark.
Finally she became even more arrogant. She defied Laurie and I to try to figure her out. Then almost defiantly she started laughing. She stepped across the room then whirled about and leered at us. She screamed at us to try and figure her out.
I looked at the expression on her face and she was almost frightening. Her eyes were as large as saucers and her lips were curled. Her hands were clenched tight at her legs and she was shaking all over as though she were about to explode.
I stared at the evidence of her temper then dropped back in my chair. I waited for her to calm down and she stepped across the room. She dropped in a seat across from us and stared at the wall.
Her story follows:
"I was in high school at the time. It was the night of the senior prom. I had been asked to the dance by Eddy H., a boy I had flipped over sometime before. Eddy and I had gone together for quite a while and he had done it to me on occasion. I loved him so much at the time I didn't care about anything else. When he first dated me I went to a drive in with him.
"We sat there that night, this was sometime before the prom but probably has something to do with what happened later on. The night we were in the drive-in we were watching the movie. He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. He pulled me across the seat and touched my knee. His hand slipped up my leg and worked between my thighs. I was going to resist but loved him so damn much I didn't care. I leaned my head back and let him kiss me. Then I lifted my skirt and pulled the crotch of my panties aside, letting him play with my pussy.
"It felt so good to have him like that I kissed him eagerly. My tongue worked into his mouth and I hugged against him. I worked my arms about his back and squeezed him with all my might. Then I lifted up and pushed my panties down my legs.
"Like a fool, I then pulled away from him. I pushed my panties down my legs and turned. I looked at them for a moment then handed them to him. Eddy took my panties and held them. Then he opened his fly and pulled his penis out. He wrapped my panties around it and squeezed. I felt warm when he did that and undid my skirt. I pushed that down and took it off. I placed it over the seat then.
"Eddy looked at me and pushed his trousers down his legs. He worked them off then undid his shirt. He pulled that off and tossed it behind him. When he was naked I moved against him. I ran my hands up and down his back and delighted when I heard him moaning. I pulled his head against my shoulder then moved my hand down. I touched his penis and asked him to show me what he wanted.
"Eddy pulled me into his lap and slid to the center of the front seat. He looked out the window and touched my legs. Then he looked into my eyes and coldly told me that he wanted to screw me. I wanted it so much I just wilted against him. I lay there and his hands moved up my back. He undid my bra and pushed my blouse off my shoulders. Then he moved back and undid the front of my blouse. He pushed it off my shoulders and worked it down my arms.
"I was naked then and he moved down. He dropped against the back of the seat and pressed his face against the folds of my stomach. He moaned then cupped my buttocks and pulled me up. He wiggled his head between my legs and stabbed his tongue into my vagina. I went crazy when he did that. I lifted my leg high in the air and pressed the back of his head. I wiggled forward and made it easier for his tongue to get inside me. Eddy moaned and flopped against the back of the seat. He pushed me down until my legs were against the door.
"When I looked his penis was right near my face. I stared at it for a moment then closed my eyes. I touched my lips against the head of it and wrapped them about it. Eddy groaned and cried out. He pulled away and flopped on the other side of the seat. He pushed me back against the seat and dropped his head on my leg. He started touching me then sat up and touched my face. He asked me for it while he drilled one finger of his other hand into my body and pressed it all the way.
"I moaned and turned on the seat. I held him and kissed his penis again like the last time. This time taking as much of him as I could into my mouth, trying to show him how much I loved him. Eddy held the back of my head and worked his hips against my mouth while his fingers moved in and out of my pussy. Then he lifted my face away from his penis and pushed me back on the seat. He smiled and moved down on top of me. He placed his penis against my mound and shoved it inside, breaking through the barrier in one thrust.
"I told him to be careful but he begged me. He said he wanted it more and more. I finally decided not to worry and hugged him. I parted my legs and let him have it. He moved slowly and it drove me wild. I loved it when he drove all the way inside. I hugged against him and moved my hands against his back. I was liberated and didn't care about what he was thinking or anything like that.
"Soon he started making long deliberate strokes. I was nearly insane with it and told him again and again he meant so much to me. Then like a tramp I told him what was happening to me. I knew he wanted to hear it and wanted to please him so much. I drove him wild with my words and soon he was humping like mad. I lay there and suddenly he finished. When I felt it I was scared. The excitement snapped inside me and reality came back.
"I sat up and begged him to take me home quickly. I told him I had to get cleaned up. He drove me home but was bitter about it. He asked me what the big deal was. We had a small argument and he drove away.
"I was nearly insane for a week after that. My period was overdue and I thought for sure I was pregnant. I never mentioned a word of it to him. For some reason I was afraid to.
Then my period came and I felt better. I began to relax again and things weren't as bad as I thought they were. I began to calm down and Eddy and I got along better. Before long he was using rubbers and everything was better. We went to the drive-in most of the time and I let him do anything with me. After a while the rubbers were forgotten and we were having oral sex most of the time. He seemed to like that better than anything else.
"Then came the night everything changed. It was the night of the prom. The night I was going to tell you about before. Eddy and I had gone there and I was dancing with him when someone cut in. Eddy stepped away and disappeared. While I was dancing, the boy I was with asked if he could take me home. He said he was crazy about me and wanted to take me home.
"I explained to him that Eddy had brought me, but he insisted. I got a bit edgy with him and pushed him away. I turned about and walked onto the veranda outside the club where the dance was being held. I looked for Eddy and he was gone. I stepped down the veranda and walked into the parking lot. I thought maybe he was waiting for me. It was getting late and the party was about to break up anyway. I noticed his car in the distance and walked to it. When I got to the back of it I could see in the window.
"Eddy was kneeling in the back seat. A girl named Janet was laying on the back seat. Her leg was draped over the front seat and her other one against the back seat. Her panties were off and his trousers were down. Eddy made some comment about hating rubbers and then started moving. Janet threw herself into the act and started rotating her hips. She told him not to worry and just pour it into her. Eddy grunted like a horse and gasped. He pressed into her body and his head shot back. A grimace flashed across his face and I could see how much he was enjoying it.
"I stood there and the rage rushed through me. I wanted to open the door and do something but I was afraid I'd kill him. Instead I turned about and ran back into the hall. I reached the door and started sobbing.
"As I stood there the fellow I was dancing with before came up. He asked me if I was all right. I turned and looked at the parking lot again. I told that boy that I was all right then asked him to take me home. On the way home he stopped the car on a side road. He looked at me and I felt elated. I opened the car door and stepped out. I walked into a field of grass nearby and turned toward the car. When he stepped out he came toward me. I stood there and undid my gown. I pushed it down and stepped out of it. I tossed it on the ground then pushed down my panties and dropped to my gown.
"I told him to take everything off and he did. Before long his body was pressed between my legs. His penis was larger than Eddy's and he was moving about inside me, panting like a horse. I moved my hands every way I could and then pushed him back. He rolled to his back and his penis was standing tall. I moved to my knees and stared at his face. I kissed him everywhere then moved my lips down his chest and kissed his stomach. I found his penis and took it into my mouth. He cried out and tried to touch me. He wanted to pull me toward him but I moved around. I stepped over his legs and went between them. Then I raised my head and told him not to touch me.
"I never made love to a man like I did with him. Even with Eddy I never was like that. I kissed this guy everywhere I could think of and soon his cock was swollen like iron. I looked at it then took it into my mouth and did it as slow as I could until he was arched like a bow string and his seed shot out.
"When it was over I pulled back. He was nearly out of his mind. He had finished but was lying there rolling his head back and forth. He was smiling and said he had never had anything like that before. I told him he could have that any time he wanted and he rolled against me.
"The next day when I got home the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and Eddy was standing there. When I saw him I slammed the door in his face. He opened the door and came into the room. His presence made me even more angry and I slapped him violently, then told him what I saw and told him to get the hell out of the house.
"When he was gone I felt lonely and bitter. I turned about and jerked the phone off the hook. I called the guy who had taken me home from the dance and asked him what he was doing. He told me over the phone that he was going out. A few friends of his were having a party. They had rented a small motel and wondered if I wanted to join them. I told him yes and hung up.
"That night, right before the other guy came over, Eddy showed up again. He asked me if I wanted to go out and while he was standing there at the door the car I was waiting for showed up. I told Eddy nothing and ran down the lawn. I hopped into the car and kissed the boy behind the wheel as he drove off. I felt wonderful on the way to the motel. I felt joyous for some reason and leaned against the seat, not caring, one bit about what was going to happen.
"The motel was antiquated and small. It was out of the way and the manager knew what was going on. They had paid him about three times the normal rent for the night.
"I went into the room and nearly died when I entered. The girl I had seen Eddy with the other night was there. She was lying on the bed with her skirt up and her panties off. A boy was sitting next to her and his finger was stabbing into her pussy. I laughed when I saw her. I wished in that moment that Eddy was there to see it. I wished he would have come right in then and watched what she was doing with the other boy. I walked into the room and sat on the bed. I watched what the boy was doing to her and stared at her pussy. Then I leaned over and lightly touched my fingers to her pussy for some reason.
"The boy who had been masturbating her pulled his finger out and moved away from the bed. He stood up and worked his clothes off. Then, completely naked, he walked to the head of the bed and laid on his side watching us. I said nothing to the girl about what I had seen the night before and touched her pussy. I moved my finger between the lips and touched her clitoris. Then I leaned over and touched my lips to her mound. I ran my tongue along the cleavage and rolled the hippie.
"My date was behind me. He pulled my hips up and shoved my panties down. He moved me on the bed and parted my legs, then took me from the rear.
"The girl under me started liking what I was doing and grabbed her knees. She pulled them back and tilted her hips up. Behind me my date was pressed against my buttocks. His hands were tugging my hips back. His long penis was all the way inside, heating me. I liked what he was doing but pulled away. I dropped to my back and pushed my panties off the one foot they were on. I lifted my skirt and told the girl to repay me for what I was doing. When I felt her lips moving about between my legs I climaxed almost immediately. I writhed under her, then cried out and every bit of excitement washed out of me. She pulled away and suddenly the boy who had been lying at the head of the bed took me.
"While he was making love to me the other boy there started with the girl. As I lay there I watched what they were doing. I watched her moving and the excitement of seeing her like that was even more than the excitement I was feeling with the boy who was pounding me. I watched her until I saw how eager she was then turned and threw myself eagerly at the boy who was with me.
"Again that night, after we all made love the girl was lying there naked. I looked at her breasts and leaned over. I started kissing her there then moved down again. The boy's watched me for a while then one of them took me from the rear again. I parted my legs and let him finish then felt the other one doing the same thing. Before long I was panting against her. Her legs closed tight about my head and I brought her to a climax.
"When I got home that night I slept like a log. I felt better than I had felt in months. It seemed that all the tension was gone. Eddy never came back and I was tickled to death. I didn't need that two-faced action he was handing me. I wanted the truth and went with people that gave it. I didn't associate with any people that weren't swingers from then on. I hated the lies and the rest of the stories that people give to hide what they really feel. It seemed to me the world is full of liars and phony bastards."
Mildred never did face the fact that perhaps she was one of the phoniest people on earth. Even when we tried to show her that she was running on hatred, she gave some glib statement about running on love. She was convinced that she loved humanity and people. She was convinced that she loved being a swinger because she had the opportunity to do something for other people and never could get the notion into her head that every lousy thing she thought was as phony as the things she had hated.
It was not hard to see that she was running on resentment and hatred. It appears to me that everything she did in the beginning was because she was jilted in a love affair and never could get over it. She took the boy home from the dance out of spite. She wanted to show herself that she was better than the girl in the car with Eddy. She wanted to get even and figured that when Eddy learned of it, she would hurt him as much as he had hurt her.
When they were in the motel she made love to the girl out of spite. In her own mind she wanted to prove to herself that she was better than that girl. She wanted to show herself that Eddy had managed only to score with a girl who didn't mean anything at all anyway. She was only trying to satisfy her ego.
Mildred was married but cared little about her husband. It was a marriage of convenience and that was all. They lived together like two rag dolls and only managed to show any type of concern for the other when they ran out of other sex partners and had to turn back to one another for sexual gratification.
But still she was the lover. Filled with hate as she was she knew that she was really a swinger. She knew all the tricks and how to do all the things, but as far as showing any warmth at all went, she was totally incapable of it. She was never able to see why she was confused. She even hated herself too much to ever look for the answers.
CHAPTER THREE
BONNIE
Laurie still seemed more positive about things than I did. Even after we had talked with Mildred and had that terrible time, Laurie was reluctant to admit defeat. She mentioned that she knew one woman who would talk and had expressed wishes of changing herself.
That night Laurie came back to the apartment with another woman called Bonnie.
Bonnie was entirely different from Mildred in almost all respects. She was somewhat calm and seemed rather tranquil. She was about thirty and had dark eyes, a large bosom and marvelous legs. When she entered the apartment she appeared more shy than aggressive. She sat on the sofa across from me and fidgeted as though she was anxious to leave.
When I looked up she was actually blushing. She looked at Laurie then turned shyly toward me. She mentioned something about Laurie speaking about the both of us trying to understand the mind then mentioned that all her life she had been trying to do the same thing.
Laurie asked her politely to talk with us and see if she could understand what she was doing.
Bonnie settled back and placed her fingers at her lips. She stared at the floor for the longest time then tossed her head back and smiled. He brushed her fingers through her hair and rubbed the back of her neck. Then she settled down again, rested against the back of the sofa and moved her hands lightly along the edge.
"I must admit that I don't usually talk with perfect strangers about myself. I guess in the final analysis I'm not as proud as I would like to think of some of the things I had been doing during the years. But getting down to the issue I must admit that I never was able to figure too many things out. It seemed to me at times that I did things and never did understand quite completely why I was doing them. When you ask me what kind of things I get a bit edgy about that. I guess in the normal sense of the word I am a bit freakish about certain things. But as far as sex goes I started rather early. I guess I must have been about fourteen when I had the first experience.
"Yes, it was about that time. I remember it now. I was fourteen and it was the summer. I had spent part of the summer months at the beach with an uncle of mine. During the afternoon we spent much of our time on the beach and chatted or just swam. Then one afternoon when I was lying there he leaned over me. I guess he thought I was asleep or something like that. He touched the base of my neck with his lips then moved back. I rolled over and he looked down at me. I smiled and was not in the least bit afraid of him. I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek then patted him affectionately, trying to tell him in one way or another that I cared for him. When I did this he moved down beside me. The beach was empty around his house and there was no reason to worry about a thing.
"For a while he lay there and looked into my eyes. Then he looked down at my hand and placed it on his chest. I looked at the hair on his chest and moved my hand about. He moaned and moved back to his back. He closed his eyes and seemed quite overtaken with what I was doing.
"I moved closer to him and went to one elbow. I rested on my side next to him and moved my hand down on his stomach. Then I felt funny and touched the edge of his suit. I looked at the bulge and pushed my hand inside his suit. I touched the thick curls about his penis, then buried my hands inside his suit and wrapped it about his penis.
"Uncle Andrew moaned again and his hands flew down. He lifted his hips eagerly and shoved his suit down his legs. He worked it about his ankles then snapped it off and tossed it away. Then he parted his legs wide and begged me to touch him everywhere. I moved away from him and sat up. Curiously I looked at his legs and his huge testicles. Then I looked at his penis and stared at him.
"His penis was swollen hard. I never saw one before and the sight of it excited me. I stared at the head of it then touched his thigh. I moved my hand along his thigh and touched the undersides of his testicles. He told me to be careful, that they hurt. I lifted them gently into my fingers and held them. I don't think I'll ever forget the way they felt in my hand. They were so heavy and hard.
"I touched him lightly again. He moved his head back and forth across the towel and his eyes closed. His chest expanded hard and he took a deep breath. He let it out, then reached down and grabbed my hand. He pulled it up and wrapped it about his penis. He closed his hand around mine and made me wrap my fingers about him. Then he turned on his side and started working his hips back and forth, moving the foreskin.
"I dropped to my side then and looked into his eyes. He was excited. His eyes were moist. His mouth was hanging open. His breath was gusting through his nostrils. I looked down and his hand slackened on mine. He left my hand there and I was holding him.
"I was curious and moved my hand back and forth as he directed. He moaned and moved against me. He worked his arms about my back and his hips jerked back and forth. Then one of his hands slid down my back. He worked at the edge of the bottoms of my suit and moved his hand inside. He cupped my buttocks and felt between them. Then he removed his hand slowly and moved back. He touched my stomach and moved his hand inside the front of my suit.
"I released his penis and moved to my back. I lifted my buttocks and pushed my suit down my legs. Then I sat up quickly and undid the back of my halter. When I dropped back to the blanket he moved to his knees. He looked at me for the longest time then leaned and touched his lips to my breast. He moved his mouth across my chest and touched the other nipple. He pulled it into his mouth then slid his mouth to my ear and started nibbling.
"The excitement mounted. I reached for his back and pulled him down against me. My legs parted and I could feel his penis against the top of my mound. Andy closed his eyes then and moved back. He lowered slightly and his penis touched my mound. He grabbed his penis and moved the knob up and down between the lips.
He touched the moist entrance, then rotated it against the nipple. Then he moved down and pushed it against me and gently, slowly, pushing aside my maidenhead as he pushed half of his penis into my body.
"I cried out with pain and threw my arms about him. I pulled him against me and dug my nails into his buttocks. I hugged myself against him and his penis worked into the very depths of my body.
"Andy moved over me. His face was limp and his eyes were still moist. Tiny tears of need washed down his cheeks. His lower lip trembled as though he were afraid of what he was doing. He opened his eyes and looked down at me then closed his eyes and started moving his hips back and forth, driving his penis in and out with long slow movements.
"As he moved, he shivered. He closed his eyes tighter and dropped against me. He reached under me and grabbed my buttocks. He pulled me up and hammered against me then climaxed. He flopped on me then and lay there. His penis went limp inside me and slipped out. He dropped to his back and lay there with his legs open. I rolled to my side and touched the side of his face. Then I leaned and touched my lips against the base of his neck.
"He held one hand over my head and told me not to worry about anything, that he was fixed, that he had gone to the doctor and had himself fixed to make sure he would not have any kids. Then he told me from then on, all that summer I was going to sleep with him.
"At the time I didn't feel too much about anything. Then that afternoon when I came out of the fog, I was standing in the bathroom. I looked at myself for the first time in the mirror after the thing had happened with Andrew, then turned and vomited in the toilet. Later that evening I told him I wanted to go home. I told him that I didn't like what we did and told him to drive me to the station.
"He was feeling rather bad about things himself by this time and admitted that it would be best. He then walked out of the house and went to the beach. He waited there while I packed my things and got ready for the train. When I was finished packing I walked out of the house. I went down to the beach to find him and he was standing there completely naked as he had been that afternoon. I stood there and looked at his penis. He was hard again and it was exciting. I looked down at the bag in my hand then and dropped it on the sand. I walked to where he was standing and touched his penis.
"He asked me to do it to him one last time and then dropped to the towel on the sand. He stretched out and lay there looking up. I looked at the bag in the sand behind me and knew there was time for the train. I dropped to the towel and touched his leg. I moved my hand up his leg and wrapped my fingers about his penis. I started doing it to him then, for some reason, touched his penis with my lips.
"When I kissed him he arched off the towel.
He threw his hands down on my head and held me. He then snapped his hips up and down wildly as though he was really enjoying it. I kissed him again and moved my cheek against the underside of his penis. I touched the head of his penis with my lips and took the knob inside. I held it inside and moved my tongue over it. Then I moved down and pulled his penis into my mouth. When I did that he went wild. He pulled me up alongside him and his hand pulled up my dress. He slipped his hand against inside my panties and caressed my buttocks. Then he shoved my panties down and rolled me to my back.
"He rolled me over again, this time to my side, and dropped behind me. He wiggled closer and his penis touched my buttocks. He lifted my leg and moved his penis down. He touched the back entrance of my vagina and pushed his long penis into me from behind.
"The next thing I knew we were in bed. The room was dark and my clothes were off. We were both on our sides and he was behind me like he had been on the towel. His huge penis was inside me and his stomach was against my buttocks. His hands were holding my hips and he was working against me, driving himself in and out, telling me how good it was and how tight it felt.
"I never did leave that summer. I stayed with him and each day did everything he wanted. We took baths together and all sorts of things. We got worked up and did it in the ocean. We did it on the rocks near the shore. He took me once when we were eating. We never wore any type of clothing around the house and would sit there playing with each other by the hour. I learned to tease and would lie there kissing his penis to erection then move away. Often, when I had my period, I took him all the way like that and would climax while I was doing it.
"It seemed strange but I never thought about anything else. It was as though this were some type of world in which there was no trouble. Then came the day when I had to go back to my parents. I remember being on the train. I stepped into the compartment lavatory and looked at myself again in the mirror. Then I started crying and wondered how on earth I would ever be able to live down what I was feeling or what I had been doing with him.
"When I was with him it was strange. I felt as though I belonged somewhere. I felt as though I had something. It was so strange, but I no longer felt as ugly as I had been before.
"When I was at home I always heard from everyone around how gawky I was. I had one tooth missing in front and it seemed I never smiled. My uncle was the first person in my life that accepted me and didn't laugh at the way I looked. He was the first person in my life that made me feel like something other than ugly. This feeling of being ugly never left me. When I got home the words and smart remarks started. Before long I was back in that state again. I felt as though I were some kind of freak at the side show.
"I asked my mother about fixing the tooth but she said there were other things on earth that were more important than that. She said at the time that she could not be bothered with worrying about what I looked like. I felt bad when she told me this. I went to my room that afternoon and lay there remembering Andrew. As I remember him I masturbated and had fun.
"It seemed when I was masturbating I didn't feel bad at all. It seemed that during these times I could relive that good time I had had. It seemed that I felt better and more alive when I was doing it to myself.
"For almost a year after that I went to school and nothing happened. I was an outcast and stayed much alone. I never associated with the other kids. I always felt as though they were talking about me behind my back or something like that. Often I would come down the hall in school and hear someone laughing. I would turn around and by the expression on their faces knew that they were laughing at me.
"I was terribly lonely during these times. I never had too much fun or anything like that. When a dance or something like that came around I guess the boys thought I was a bit out of it. They all passed me up either because of the tooth missing in front or the attitude I had about everything around that school. No matter what the reason, none of them ever bothered with me until Freddie came along.
"Freddie came to school some time during the year. He knew none of the kids in school and was much like me for many reasons. He was somewhat ugly and none of the rest of the kids ever bothered with him. One day he came to the table where I was eating and we talked. The rest of the kids at the table started laughing at the two of us and we left the hall. He took me outside and we walked around before we had to get back to class. Then he asked if I would go to a show with him.
"That weekend, that Saturday night, he took me to a movie. We sat in the back row and watched the movie. During the performance, I reached my hand over the chair. He had a coat over his lap and I moved my hand under it. I placed it over his penis, then undid his fly. I touched his penis and moved my fingers about it. I pulled it out of his trousers and held it warmly in my hand.
"He seemed overcome. He leaned against my shoulder and closed his eyes. Then he touched my leg and moved his hand under my dress. He touched my thigh and hesitated. He was scared and started shivering. I felt his hand on my leg and moved it up. I pressed it against my panties and held it there. I told him not be frightened then and moved my panties aside and let him place his hand over my pussy.
"He pulled his hand away and stared at me. It was the first time he said he had ever touched a girl. I pulled my hand away from his penis and told him to zip his trousers up. We left the movie and went into the park. We found a place under a tree in the darkness, and again I pulled his penis out. Again he was scared. He looked around the park then pulled me up. He pulled me across the street and down the block. He shoved me down the driveway near his house and we went behind the garage.
"There was a small cot there with a mattress on it. Around the bed there were large bushes. When we walked behind the place, he unzipped his trousers and pushed them off. He turned to me and stood there. I undid his shorts and pushed them down his legs. I looked at his penis and touched him. Then I leaned and lightly rubbed the side of my face against his penis. He moaned and dropped to the cot beside me. He told me that this place where we were would be our special place. He told me that we would love each other there.
"I understood what he wanted and moved into his arms. I hugged him tight and moved my lips along his shoulder. He was like a child in that instant. He pushed away from me and rolled to his back. He closed his eyes and a dreamy small smile came to his lips.
"I leaned and touched my lips against his nipples. I knew what he wanted and moved my mouth across his chest. My hand moved up and down his leg then touched his penis. He arched immediately and his hands flew down. He grabbed my shoulders and worked his arms about my back. He hugged me tight then pulled me to the bed.
"Quickly he slid his hand up my legs. He grabbed the underside of my panties and pulled them down my legs. He tossed them aside and moved to his knees. He went back on his knees and dropped between my legs. He looked at my mound then leaned and started kissing me wildly, telling me he needed me.
"I grew anxious as hell and grabbed his head. Then I pulled away and turned about under him. I wiggled back and slipped my hands about his buttocks. I held him and drew his penis to my mouth. We did it orally from then on. There was really no other statement about doing anything else. It seemed that he enjoyed that more than anything else and he never talked about doing anything else.
"For almost three months after that we hid behind the garage. He always waited til dark and when we were alone we exploded with each other. There was no holding back between us. We both seemed to need the things we were doing and that was all.
"When it was over about three months later and his parents took him away from me I nearly went crazy. Each afternoon I found that I would not be able to rest. I laid in my bed but it was senseless. I tried masturbating, but that didn't do any good. No matter what I did I was so anxious about the hour when we used to be alone together that I nearly went out of my mind. Another few months passed and I was senseless. I was alone again and it was worse than ever. This time there was no one around at all. I was just at the end of my rope when my uncle came to see us. It seemed that he had grown lonesome for me and wanted to see me again.
"That day when I walked into the house I was scared. He was sitting on the sofa and I thought for sure that he might have had recriminations about what we had been doing and had come over to tell on me. When I entered the house I noticed that my parents offered nothing in the way of anything which might be taken as anger.
"I settled down then and grew instantly anxious. I looked at him and remembered the things I had been doing with him and instantly grew warm. I could hardly wait for the first opportunity for him to get his hands on me.
"The time passed and the opportunity never came up. He was there for almost a week but he was always occupied with my parents or going somewhere else with them. Then it came time for him to leave and that was the end of that.
"When he was gone I sunk into depression again. I wished for a friend. I wished for someone to help me. I don't know how long I was like that, but I know it was a long time. I felt miserable almost all the time and could not shake the feeling. I thought of doing things to attract people but none of them worked. I guessed all the kids in school were against me and just didn't take any notice of me when I tried to change.
"Then it was summer again. Before I knew it the summer months were ahead of me once more and I was going back to him. I was nearly insane when I reached the station. I saw Andy standing there and could hardly contain myself. When I jumped off the train I ran to him. He hugged me and we walked to the car.
"When I reached the car I stopped. Someone was sitting in the front seat. I looked at the woman then turned and looked at Andy. He seemed compassionate at the time and told me that he had married about a month ago.
"During the summer it was miserable. He had changed. She was around all the time and he never looked at me. Then one afternoon he cornered me on the beach and told me it was all over. He asked me if I would never tell on him and made me swear that I wouldn't, then the subject was dropped.
"I don't know how I got through the next few years, but they were miserable. I never had a friend during that time. I never had much of anything I guess. But as they will, the years passed and before I knew it I was working. I had a job in an office and had managed to get my teeth fixed. It seemed that after that, when I got them fixed, everything started changing. I found that my mood had changed. I found that there was nothing that upset me as much as before and I walked around with a grin on my face most of the time.
"Before long someone asked me out. He worked in the office and was pleasant in his sort of way. He came to the desk and politely asked if I would like to go to a movie. I looked at him that day and had trouble controlling myself. It was the first time since I had remembered that anyone showed me any kind of attention and I didn't know what to say.
"That night we went out. During the show he grabbed my hand and held it. I was again overcome and placed my head on his shoulder. He slipped his hand around my body and touched my breast. When he touched me I felt warm. I clung against him and moved my lips to his ear. He turned and touched my cheek. He asked if I wanted to leave the show and go somewhere more private. I drew back and nodded and we went to his apartment.
"I felt good there. He was naked in a minute and he was good-looking. We sat naked in the front room and before long I was masturbating him. He touched me and moved me back on the sofa. He parted my legs and pushed his long penis slowly into my body. He held it inside me then laid upon me, resting while his penis throbbed.
"I grew warmer and warmer. Before I knew it I was coming again and hugged him. I trembled and he pushed deeper. He held himself inside me until I finished then rested again.
"We lay there for the longest time. I had never met a man like that. He was able to hold off his ejaculation for the longest time and it felt good. I just lay there and every once in a while would start moving back and forth until I heard him moan. Then I would stop and let him recover. I made sure he didn't come for the longest time, then moved about when I saw that he was getting anxious and made him finish.
"Afterwards he lay with me and held my hand. He turned to me and told me that he was never able to get enough with one woman. He told me that he was some kind of nympho or something like that and usually made a fool out of himself with women.
"I liked his honest admission and moved against him. I told him that I liked plenty of sex and wouldn't mind what he did. He moved down on me then. He parted my legs and sat on the floor inside the sofa. He kissed my pussy for the longest time and moved his tongue about until I was trembling. Then he masturbated me until he grew hard again. This time he turned and dropped on the sofa with his hips near my head. We did that that evening until we were both exhausted, then moved into the bedroom and laid with one another.
"I slept with him that night, and the next night after work went to his apartment again with him. We did it again just like we had the night before, then he mentioned something about getting married. The subject was skipped for the most part. He simply said something to the effect that if he got married he would marry a woman like me. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
"A few nights later we went home and were naked again. The door bell rang and he went to answer it after he put his robe on. He opened the door and a few friends of his entered the room. I wondered what the hell was going on and he pulled me out of the front room. He told me that the couple was married and that they were unusual. I asked him how they were unusual and he mentioned on occasion that he had gone to bed with the woman while her husband watched. He said that the husband liked to watch him and the woman together.
"I felt weird for a moment, then I laughed. I told him that if she was that way there was no reason on earth why I should stop him. We went into the other room then and had a few drinks with the couple who had come in. Before I knew what was happening I was getting a bit high. The whiskey was going to my head and I didn't much care about too much of anything. I was getting smashed and then I found myself in the bedroom. The guy I had been going with at work was on the bed with the woman. She was going wild with him. His penis was working slowly in and out of her body.
"I watched and lowered to the edge of the bed. I sat there staring then the man behind me dropped to the bed behind me. He placed his hands around my breasts and started rolling them gently. He pinched my nipples and worked them until they were hard. I turned then and forgot about the couple on the bed. I slipped my arms about the man behind me and that was the beginning of it.
"Before the evening was over I learned something else. I was lying there half drowsy when I felt someone kissing me. I moaned and opened my eyes. I turned my head and Jeff, the man from the office, was lying next to me. I touched his cheek and the tongue between my legs entered me and started working.
"Jeff asked me if I liked what was happening and I told him yes. Then I turned and expected to see the woman lying next to me on the other side. I expected that, but nearly fainted when I realized that it was her between my legs. I looked down and the blonde was really going after me. Her hands were wrapped about my buttocks and she was holding me up. Her tongue was moving about inside and I was growing warm. I felt embarrassed and looked at Jeff. He touched my cheek and told me to enjoy it.
"I turned my head and lay there. Before I knew it I was climaxing and she was really digging at me. I writhed about and decided the hell with convention. I just lay there and let her take me over the edge. When she was done she pulled away and dropped to the foot of the bed. I sat up and looked at her for a moment then moved to my knees. I went down on the bed and kissed her soft thighs. I turned her to her back and parted her legs. I dipped my head between her legs and started kissing her pussy as gently as she kissed mine.
"Before a moment passed I knew I liked it. I moved off the bed and dropped to the floor. I parted her legs again and did it all the way with her while the others watched.
"The time passed and soon the couple left. We were alone in the room and Jeff turned to me then. He was more serious than he had ever been with me before. He touched my cheek and told me that he wanted me. He said that he hungered for a woman like me and asked me to marry him. I rolled over and knew it was stupid, but I thought that that was the only proposal I would ever get. I imagined myself living with him and it seemed better than the loneliness which I was living with at the time so I told him yes.
"We got married and I guess that's it. Since then we've been swinging together and, even though I know we don't really love each other it's a matter of expediency living together."
Again we see evidence of misinterpretation of emotions and images of one kind or another. In this case it is apparent the woman was suffering most of her life. She thought of herself as ugly and her acts were ugly. She thought of herself as second best and the life she chose for herself of necessity was second best.
She was lonely and twisted this emotion into something sexual. She had tried to cure this loneliness in the sex act but found she never could. She learned as the months passed that there was nothing sexual which could satisfy her for very long. As so many other people do she twisted the sex drive and made it something else. Then, in order to find some type of satisfaction for a sensation or hunger that did not really exist, she had to manufacture some mysterious world that also didn't exist.
So now she lives in some limbo. She is outcast and foreign by all manner and respects from all other people and lives in this small prison of her own emotions.
We talked with her at length and at least one thing was evident about this woman. Somewhere deep inside her she did want to understand what she was. Somewhere deep inside her she did want to realize some other type of life even though she was at a loss as to how to get this life to come about for her.
When we talked she finally understood that her emotions were messed up. As the days passed she began to see that so much of what she had thought was sexual was not in fact sexual and has tried in some measure to change her way of life even though at the present such a change seems futile to her.
CHAPTER FOUR
NO NAME
I almost forgot about the whole subject of mixed emotions for nearly a month. I got busy with a project and hardly saw Laurie during that time. Then one night, when I was sitting over coffee, Laurie came into the apartment.
Laurie seemed a bit happier than she had been in a long time. She told me she had been working on her own problems and had finally started figuring herself out. She had started checking herself during the day. She started finding out what emotion she was feeling before she acted and found that she was making some headway. She admitted to me that many things had started getting back to normal with her. She found she was not afraid of so many things as she had been in the past.
When we were chatting she mentioned a friend of hers she had known in another apartment house. She said that this woman was a mixture of emotions, too. She mentioned then that she had stepped out and tried to help this woman.
When I asked about her Laurie leaned back and pulled out a small piece of paper. She mentioned that the woman had preferred not to talk with anyone. She said that she would rather write what she wanted to write and leave the matter of her identity alone.
Laurie said that she had read the paper and had some notions about the woman in question. She said that she was obviously confusing sex with anger, resentment or fear and didn't know the real story of her own emotions.
I asked her to let me see the note and Laurie delivered it to me.
"I don't know why I'm writing this letter or for that matter who will be reading it. I guess I take some security in the fact that I am letting a personal friend have it and know that it will never get out of her hands.
"Few can understand the torment with which I live during the day. Few can understand the stupidity which I surrounded myself with during the years. I know for a fact that few people will ever comprehend why I act the way I do.
"So much of what people think is just one excuse or another for what they really want. I know this and understand it quite well but still have some lingering to speak the bold truth at least once in my life.
"I'm a married woman but feel so different from my neighbors. I can not adjust to this feeling and must admit that I let it torment me.
"I am a lesbian, or I guess a latent lesbian as they call it, and have so much trouble understanding why.
"I guess the best way to start is at the beginning.
"It seemed so long ago that I had not thought about these things that I feel weird thinking of them now. I had buried myself completely during the past few years but I know things have not changed since I was a child.
"When I was a girl I was so foolish. It never occurred to me that things would turn out the way they had. I had thought back then that everything would be roses and candy for the rest of my life.
"As a girl I had the normal experiences. I fell in love at the tender age of sixteen and let a boy have me. It was during the winter I remember. I was just a junior in high school. I had just started that year when I met this young boy who was in the same class as myself. One afternoon he asked if he could walk me home and everything started. He took me home that afternoon and asked me out.
"A few nights later I found myself parked on a lonely stretch of road with him. I was sitting in the front seat with him and his arm was about me. He touched my breast and I liked it a lot. Then he leaned and touched his lips to the base of my throat and the tingles started running through me.
"I turned to him and his eyes were soft and warm. I felt content and touched his leg. I moved my hand up and touched his penis. Then I pulled the fly of his trousers open and slipped my hand inside.
"He pulled away and rolled his head on the back of the seat. He started moving back and forth and grabbed my hand. He held my hand against him and started moving it up and down.
"I looked at his penis and loved the sight of it. I held him warmly then turned away. I reached into my purse and pulled out my handkerchief. I wrapped it about his penis as he directed.
"He went wild then. He turned on the seat and pulled his trousers and shorts apart. He pushed them down to his ankles and turned to me. He looked at me then hugged me against him.
"I held his penis and the handkerchief and soon he ejaculated into the cloth. I wiped him off and put the handkerchief away. I turned and leaned against his shoulder again and he was quiet.
"The next night I did the same thing to him, but he became aggressive. He pulled me close and his hand moved up my dress. He worked his hand inside my panties and pressed it against my pussy. He wiggled his fingers against the clitoris and soon I was as warm as he was.
"Before I knew it I was pushing my panties down. I parted my legs and dropped back against the seat. I closed my eyes and sat there while his finger worked all the way inside my vagina. I loved everything about it and soon directed his finger about. He turned me and pushed me back on the seat. He lifted my skirt and his finger worked slowly in and out of my pussy. I lay there and went wild. I parted my legs as wide as the confines of the front seat would allow. I moved my hips eagerly against his finger and told him over and over what it was feeling like.
"I lay there and he moved his finger out of me. He stared at my pussy for a long time then pushed his trousers down his legs. He moved to the seat over me and placed his penis against me. Two moments later he was buried inside me. I was wide as hell. My hands moved over his body and pressed his buttocks. My hips jerked and I was moaning. I then pushed him back and sat up. Eagerly I pulled my skirt over my shoulders and dumped it into the back seat. I turned and pulled my bra off.
"The boy stared, then pulled me back to where he was sitting. He rubbed me everywhere until I was hotter than hell, then he threw open the front door and let the cold wind come into the car. He pulled me toward the end of the front seat and lifted my legs.
"He thrust into me and started working back and forth wildly. He squeezed my breasts then slammed into me and climaxed. When I felt him coming I pulled him against me. I wiggled about wildly and held him against me.
"That night I was worried about it a bit, but somehow I knew it would all work out. I thought about getting pregnant, but it seemed that it would never happen to me. The next night I was back in the car with him. He asked me how I liked what we had done the night before and I threw myself at him. Before long we were naked again. His penis was all the way inside and I was breathing hard.
"The time passed and before long the weather warmed up. During the evenings we would park on the road again. We found a small place under a tree and would throw out an old blanket he had.
"I stripped myself for him then and we laid there. He was naked and turned about. He knelt over my head and I soothed his buttocks and ran my fingers over his cleavage. I touched him once there and inserted my finger into his anus. When I did that he went wild. He buried his face between my legs and his hands worked about my buttocks. He pulled my buttocks apart and stabbed his finger into my anus. He started kissing me wildly and his tongue worked about like he had never had one before. While he kissed me I went wild. His finger moving about made me dizzy. I moaned against him and started bucking my hips. It seemed that the sensuality I was feeling just mounted and mounted.
"I looked up and touched his penis with my lips. I took it into my mouth and started kissing him wildly. He cried out against my legs and snapped his head away. He turned on his knees and moved about. He begged me then if he could do it the way he wanted to. I asked him what he wanted and he mentioned he was afraid to say it. Instead he turned me over on my stomach and lifted my hips into the air. He got behind me and touched my anus with his penis. He pushed and buried half of it inside then started making love to me that way.
"I lay there and he finally got it all inside me. Then he dropped on top of me and pulled my shoulders. It hurt but I let him do it until he was shivering. Then he pulled out quickly and turned me over. He parted my legs roughly and slammed himself into my body. He started pumping and it was wilder and better than it had ever been. He was harder than he had ever been and when he climaxed I felt his eagerness.
"For the next few weeks it was one thing after the other. Before long we were both like little animals. I seemed almost unquenchable in my tastes. I asked for everything and he delivered everything to me. I loved him so much I hardly thought about anything else. I worried about nothing at all.
Then it happened. On one day it stopped. I had missed my period. I was nervous then. I waited around anxiously for the darn thing to happen, but it never did. Finally, after about ten days after my period was supposed to come, I finally went to him and told him what the trouble was.
"Immediately I learned what men were like. Immediately he started swearing and became rather violent. He asked me if I had taken any precautions about it. When I told him I had not he went through the ceiling. He told me that he never would have done the things he had done if he had known that. He said the only reason he had dated me in the first place was because he thought I was smart enough to understand what the situation was.
"I was never so lost as I was now. In a few moments I had learned exactly what he was like. In a few moments I understood exactly what he was thinking of me.
"After the argument I went home. I sat around the house and never hated anyone as much as him. I nearly went insane that night trying to figure some way to get through the problems I was having. I knew what the news would do to my mother. I knew what she would think if she ever learned what I had been doing and the thought of that stifled every thought I had.
"Then it happened. About two days later I felt a terrible pain and my period started. I learned that I was not pregnant at all. It was a hell of a thing to learn, but one thing, I had really learned was what that boy was like. From then on I decided the hell with it. I dated very little during my high school years. I decided that I didn't want anything to do with it and just turned off as much as I could. I found that with this bitterness I was able to stop thinking about sex almost entirely and the need to masturbate was gone.
"As time passed I eventually got out of school and took a job. I met a few men and slowly my attitude began to change. Then I met my husband, the man to whom I am married now. I went with him a short while and eventually started going to bed with him.
"I was nearly dead inside for some reason. Then, I don't know why, but one afternoon I was sitting with a neighbor of mine. We were talking about men in general and she mentioned that she had never been able to climax with one of them. Before too long she had me lying on the sofa. My panties were pulled about my ankles and my legs were parted wide. Her middle finger was moving in and out of my pussy, rolling my clitoris and thrilling me more than anything else. I lay there that afternoon and before long she was concentrating on my clitoris. The sensations of excitement rushed through my body and my nipples started to rise. For the first time in a long time I felt the knots forming above my stomach and I was beginning to feel need. She moved her finger down then and stabbed it into my body. She held it inside and wiggled it about, then she pulled it out and moved it down again. She touched my anus and forced her finger inside me. Eagerly I pulled my knees back. I reached down and pried my buttocks aside for her. She smiled then and pushed her finger all the way into my anus and wiggled it about. Then she leaned and lightly touched her lips against the mound. She ran her tongue over the cleavage and touched the nipple. She rolled it gently then moved her tongue down and stabbed it into my vagina. When it happened I felt more excitement than I had felt in years. No matter what I did I could not stop the tension which was rolling through my body. My hips started rolling from side to side, my legs closed about her head and my body started jumping under her.
"I sat up then and grabbed her shoulders. Eagerly I pulled her down to the sofa beside me. I forced her dress above her hips and slipped my hand into her panties. I forced my hand between her legs, then became gentle and touched her pussy lightly with my fingers. She looked at me then placed her head against my shoulder. She parted her legs and reached between them. She pushed aside her panties and held them there. I moved my finger along the cleavage and lightly touched her clitoris. I rolled it and swooned as I felt it rising beneath my finger tip.
"Her eyes closed tight and she smiled. Her thick hips started moving back and forth and her legs closed. She forced them open then and moved away from me. She groaned as my finger moved from her pussy and she seemed rather despondent for a moment as she stood up. She reached out her hand and I sat up. She pulled me up and slipped her hand about my waist. We walked into the bedroom and she stopped me beside the bed. She undid the front of my dress and pushed it off my shoulders. She turned me about and undid my bra, then pushed my panties down my legs and off.
"When I turned she was staring down at me. Her eyes were soft and her need was easily visible. Her mouth was slack and her breathing was raspy and warm. I looked at her shoulders and undid the small button on the front of her dress. I pushed them aside and slipped the dress off her shoulders. I pushed it over her hips and her panties were damp. I trembled when I looked at her. I dropped then to my knees and placed my hands on her hips. I pulled her panties slowly down her legs.
"While I was on my knees I stared at the thick moist triangle and felt a shiver of excitement rush through me. The clitoris was poking through the lips and looked so excited. The sight of it unnerved me and made me more excited than I had been in years. I looked at it then leaned over. I touched it lightly with the tip of my tongue. She moaned and dropped back to the bed with a thud. She fell to her back and her legs parted wide. Her fingers went between her legs and touched the lips. She pulled them wide apart and held them apart.
"I stared at the mouth of her sex and leaned over. I touched my lips to it then moved my tongue inside. Then I gripped her hips and pressed my face against her. My tongue moved in and out slowly and soon she was moving about on the bed above me. Her legs tightened about my head and held me prisoner. Her fingers held the lips apart then moved to the back of my head and pulled me closer.
"As I kissed her I started trembling harder and harder. My breasts swelled and began to ache. The nipples felt as though they were about to explode they were so hard. The excitement became unbearable. I moved back and slid up between her legs. I touched my nipple against the nipple between her lips and she started moving about. Then I poked it against the opening of her sex and held it there. She closed her legs about my chest and jerked up and down. Her hands flew to the bed and she arched to one side. Her head flew back and her breath came in short gasps. Then she climaxed several times and went limp. Her legs parted and she lay there panting.
"I moved up on the bed and slid down beside her. I touched her face and turned it. I looked at her parched lips, then touched her mouth. I moved my tongue against her lips then poked it into her mouth. She moaned and turned to me. Eagerly she pressed her entire body against me. She moved her hands eagerly over by back and thrilled me more than I had been thrilled in a long time. Then she grunted and moved back to her knees. She pushed my hips and made me settle in the middle of the bed. She moved to her knees again and leaned over. She made love to me slowly then. She kissed every part of my face and moved to my neck. She kissed my neck and moved down on my chest. She laved my nipples and started soaking the breast with her tongue. Then she turned and started darting eager kisses down my stomach. She peppered the folds with kisses and her hands moved under my body. She worked her fingers about my buttocks and cupped them. She pried them gently and one finger stabbed slowly into my anus.
"My hips started moving and I could barely contain myself. Then she moved over me and reached under my knees. She hooked her elbows under my knees and drew them back slowly. She forced my knees to my sides and held them there. I was lying there wide open and she leaned down. Her tongue moved lightly over the inner sides of my legs and never touched my mound. I was growing so excited that I actually climaxed before she touched my vagina.
"When I was panting wildly she moved her tongue to the cleavage. Gently she moved it up and down. She parted the curls and her tongue slipped into the cleavage. She slid it down and stabbed it slowly inside me then flicked my clitoris until I was nearly insane with need. Eagerly I reached up and slipped my arms about her hips. I pulled her back and her pussy was above my face. I stared at it for a moment then slipped my face between her legs and started kissing her again.
She went wild then and held back nothing. Her tongue took me with more passion than I had ever known. Her sensuality was more than I had ever felt with anyone and before long I was coming again. We rolled on the bed again and hugged against each other. When we got tired of kissing we probed each other. We masturbated each other about three times that afternoon and when it was over each of us was too drained to think of another thing.
"When she left that afternoon I was completely calm. I lay there and there was nothing to worry about. I lay there and felt not one ounce of tension anywhere inside me. I remembered thinking then that it was safer than the real thing. It was safer and never lead to the same problems I had had with that boy in high school."
Even though it is hard to visualize what a person is thinking, it seems rather obvious that this woman was a victim of resentment and anger as well as fear. She had a deep rooted fear of pregnancy. She also carried a large amount of resentment for the way that boy that treated her when she was in high school.
The resentment in this case can act two ways, it seems to me. If a person feels resentment toward a male then, no matter how the rest of the males in her life act, she will always pick up that resentment in them, no matter what they do. Perhaps this was the case with her husband.
Most likely she was so resentful toward men that she became sensitive to anything which might be imputed as being an act against her. She must have become so sensitive to everything a man did that she could not enjoy the sex act at all. The sex act therefore became nothing more than a symbol of a man's rejection and bitterness toward her and she was forced to follow some other road toward sexual gratification.
We see in this case that it is difficult to understand many people because of the complexity of emotions they run with. It is difficult to understand people in many cases because they are in fact feeling an unusual emotion, an emotion that does not fit the situation by all terms of normalcy.
We would all think that it would be normal for a person to feel fear when he or she is being pursued by a bear. But it seems rather abnormal for a person to feel fear when they are standing around the people they love. We wonder then why they act so strangely around those people and never guess that their strangeness is not strange for the emotions that they are feeling at the time. If they feel fear they are acting normally in accord with that fear. The problem is only that they are feeling fear at the wrong times.
CHAPTER FIVE
EVE
One night I walked into a bar a few blocks away from the house. I stepped to the bar and ordered a drink. I was sitting there quietly when I noticed Mildred, one of the women we had talked with, sitting with another woman nearby.
I got up and walked across the room to their table.
When Mildred saw me coming toward her she smirked, then leaned and said something to the other woman which caused her to laugh.
I felt uncomfortable in that moment and was about to turn away and walk back to my place at the bar. As I turned I decided the heck with what Mildred thought and turned again. I marched back to the table and stood there.
Mildred noticed my reluctance to leave and finally introduced the comely looking little redhead. I slipped into the chair across from Eve and sipped my drink while I looked admiringly at her face and bosom.
Eve was tiny in all respects. Her face was slim and her mouth was small. Her hands were so tiny that she seemed to radiate some type of daintiness.
Eve seemed a bit reluctant to speak at first. She seemed rather shy or at least about me being there. But after a while she seemed to relax and had another drink.
Before long I found myself involved in a polite conversation with Eve. Mildred seemed to grow progressively despondent about the woman's interest in me and excused herself after a while. She got up and walked out of the bar, leaving me alone with Eve.
Eve sat there for a long time and looked at her drink. Then she looked at the door where Mildred had left and stared for a moment as though she were thinking about something. She turned back to me then and mentioned that Mildred had said that I had tried to figure a few things out about her and was rather upset with me. She asked why I was doing such a thing in the first place, meaning, investigating what people were doing or thinking.
I mentioned to Eve in that breath that it was just a matter of interest. I told her about my interest in people and the ways they act. I told her I had a theory that the main problem with them was just the fact that they failed most of the time to understand the emotions they were operating under.
Eve looked at her glass again and became pensive. She stared for a moment and her face went limp as though she were thinking about something.
I felt sorry for her in that moment. She seemed preoccupied with some thought and I wanted to help her.
I asked her what the trouble was and she laughed. Then her facial expression changed and she looked across the table curiously. She told me then that I was about the first man in a long while that she felt comfortable with. She looked at me for a moment then asked why she thought that way.
I didn't have an answer for her but got the idea what she was talking about. I figured in that breath that she had been hanging around Mildred simply because of Mildred's love for both sexes and figured that she was a lesbian.
We talked again and finally she mentioned positively that she was lesbian. She said that she preferred that to anything else she had tried. As she said it she seemed sorry again and looked down at her drink. She started playing her fingers over the edge of the glass then looked up.
She asked me then why she was that way. She said she had tried to figure that out for the longest time but could not.
I shrugged and told her I didn't know. I said that I thought that it was due to the fact that there was some kind of confusion in her emotions.
Eve mentioned then that she had talked with Mildred about what we had talked about but that Mildred had said it was a waste of time. She admitted then that she thought Mildred to be negative in most things and turned back to me.
I asked her if she wanted to talk about what was bothering her and she settled back and laughed. She looked at her glass again and mentioned that she had not talked with another person about that sort of thing at all. She said it was rather strange.
A few moments passed and I remained quiet. Then finally she leaned back in her chair again and relaxed. A small smile came to her lips. She was about to open her mouth then shrugged. She looked around the bar then asked if we could go sit in her car.
We went out then and sat in her car.
She started talking then.
"I know why I am the way I am. At least I think I do. I know it has something to do with my father. It seems I've been running from that thought most of my life but always had it in the back of my mind."
(Eve mentioned then that she had hated her father ever since she could remember. She told me that she didn't know why but she did).
"I guess it was because of that night so long ago. It was rather late. I was coming home from the movies. My mother had been dead about four years and up until that time and I had run around mostly by myself.
"That night I walked into the apartment house where I lived with my father and stepped into the hall. I reached the door and heard something inside.
"My father was expecting me home later that evening. I knew that and hesitated at the door. I knew he was running around with some woman around the neighborhood and figured that I had not better open the door. I stood there for a long moment then opened the door slightly. I peered into the room. They were sitting on the sofa completely naked. The woman was a woman named Audrey who lived downstairs. She was divorced and had some type of job at the same factory where my father worked.
"Father was sitting there and his legs were parted. His penis was standing hard. Audrey was sitting next to him massaging his penis. Audrey touched her lips to his shoulder. She lightly peppered small kisses along his stomach. She darted tiny kisses over his groin then pulled his penis back and peppered the underside of it with kisses. Father dropped back on the sofa and parted his legs wide. He thrust his fingers into her hair and guided her lips to his penis.
"Audrey looked at him and smiled. Then she closed her eyes and opened her mouth. She leaned down and closed her lips about his penis. She pulled her head back then started moving it up and down. Father rolled his head back and forth. Then he opened his eyes and looked down at her breasts. He patted the sides of the sofa near his hips and called to her. Audrey pulled her mouth away and got up. She stepped around the sofa and lifted one of her legs over his shoulders. She settled down over him.
"Father looked at her plump buttocks and moved his hands around her hips. He cupped the back of her buttocks and pulled her down. He closed his eyes and his tongue moved out. He touched her mound, then started moving his tongue about, searching for the opening. Audrey moaned and turned her head. Her eyes were closed tight and an expression of pure animalistic joy was on her face. She rested her head against his stomach and moaned. Her hand moved up and down on his penis. Then she turned and hungrily placed her lips about his penis. Father moaned and turned her over. He pressed her back against the back of the sofa and parted her legs. He burrowed his head between her legs like a pig and slammed his penis against her mouth. Then he growled like a dog and moved quickly to his back. He grabbed her hand and pulled her up. He rolled to his back on the sofa and grabbed her hips. He shouted to her then to sit on it and guided her over his penis.
"Audrey started over him then stopped. She jumped off the sofa and grabbed his hand. She pulled him to the floor near the sofa and pushed him to his back. He parted his legs and she moved over him. Then she slammed down against him, threw her head back and gasped. The two of them, like two pigs, then went through a long monologue about how good it was and the reasons why it was so good. Audrey, using the foulest language I had ever heard, told him what she was feeling from her toes to her head. My father then told her in detail how he felt.
"Audrey then started moving slowly. She mentioned that the reason she loved it with him was because he was so slow to come. She mentioned that she usually climaxed twice before he even finished. Then, she no sooner spoke then she started shivering. She dropped forward and hugged against him. She drove her hips down against him and rotated her hips wildly. Audrey then raised her body above him and held herself up. Father moaned and his hips jerked wildly under her. He grabbed her hips and held her up there. She stabbed his long penis up and into her body. Then he cried out and shoved her away from him. She banged to the floor and he rolled over. He pushed her legs back to her chest and doubled her up. He shoved her legs out under him and stabbed his penis inside her.
"The tramp he was with reached down. She hooked her hands behind her knees and drew them back harder. She dropped her head back and her face twisted cruelly. Then she released her knees. She threw her arms about him and pulled him against her. She rolled over and over, jerking her hips back and forth. Then she dropped to her back.
"He grunted like a hog and his eyes closed. He slammed into her wildly and his head flew back. His face was shiny under the light above him and his eyes were closed. He smiled then fell forward. He gripped her buttocks, then slammed into her for the last time. She bellowed out how good it was and her nails raked his back. She pulled his buttocks with all her might then gasped once and collapsed.
"My father fell next to her. She laid there with her legs opened and I could see everything. She was still gaping wide open and sperm was running down her thighs.
"I gagged at the sight of them. When I turned I pulled the door and it slammed. I heard the sound and ran down the hall. I reached the outside and ran with all my might, wanting to get away from them. Later that night I returned home. I was afraid my father had heard the door and waited outside. I listened at the door again then entered.
"The apartment was dark. I made my way to my bedroom and closed the door. Then the door opened when I was half dressed. My father stood there in his tee shirt and trousers and blinked his eyes. He slammed the door behind him and stepped across the room. He grabbed my arms cruelly and asked if I had been watching through the front door.
"I was embarrassed and turned my head away. He grabbed my chin and turned my face. He asked me again and I couldn't look in his eyes. Father became violent then. He called me a pig and threw me back on the bed. He grabbed my hair and wrenched it until tears came down my cheeks. Then he asked again and again if I had been watching.
"I finally got fed up with what he was calling me and admitted that I had watched him. I admitted that I had seen the whole disgusting thing. Father grabbed me and jerked me up. He turned me about then started slapping me as hard as he could. He stayed in the room and beat me for the longest time then finally walked out of the room and down the hall.
"I lay there and wished I had the strength to get up and kill him. I looked at a small pair of scissors on the table near the bed and picked them up. I was just about to go down the hall and do it but decided I would never be able to. I threw the damn scissors against the door then turned and slammed myself against the bed.
"I lay there for a while then got up. I walked into the front hall and closed the door. I ambled up to the roof and sat on the ledge, overlooking the pavement below. I remember wishing in that moment that I could just fall off that ledge and forget about everything around there. I was sitting there that night when I noticed someone standing in front of the light that was coming from the tiny door leading down the stairs. I turned and looked.
"Penny, a woman who lived in the front apartment on the second floor was standing there in her robe. Her arms were crossed in front of her body and she was staring at me. She stepped across the roof then and placed her hand on my shoulder. She told me she had heard what was going on down there and came up to see if there was something I wanted. I told her I wanted to stay away from that place. I didn't want to go back down there. Peggy rubbed my shoulder then moved behind me. She placed her hands on my shoulders and started soothing me gently. I was relaxing somewhat and she asked if I wanted to spend the night with her.
"I turned about and looked at her. Her robe was parted and I could see the hollow between her breasts. I looked at them then looked into her soft eyes. There had been stories about her. People around the neighborhood said she was weird. Someone had told me once that she lived alone but once had a girl friend. They said they had heard her and the girl arguing one night and was sure that they were both lesbians.
"I looked at the breast and felt something. I touched her shoulder then moved my hand along the soft flesh. I reached under her robe boldly and moved my hand down. I passed it over her breast and cupped it gently. Ten minutes later I was lying in her apartment on the bed. She was leaning over my face and her lips were against my mouth. Her hand was against my breast and her tongue was moving about inside my mouth. Penny kissed me again and again and her warmth increased. She moaned and slid her mouth along my face. She touched her lips against my ear then told me that she wanted to eat me.
"I drew back in shock and touched my fingers to her lips. I told her never to talk like that with me again. She smiled and apologized then leaned and touched her lips to mine gently again. She told me she wanted me then drew back and stared into my eyes. Slowly I parted my legs as wide as they would go. Penny moved down and stared at my mound for the longest time. Then she placed her hand over it and pressed it against the lips. She rolled it up and down gently and her finger moved between the lips. She touched the swollen nipple then moved down and touched the entrance. She straightened her finger and pushed it slowly all the way inside me.
"I begged her to do it to me. Then she moved her finger slowly in and out and I was being masturbated for the first time in my life. Penny sat between my legs and touched me for a long time. Then she moved away and dropped beside me. Her hand moved over my breast and she squeezed it. Then she rolled to her back and looked at the ceiling. She stared for a moment then turned and looked at me. She told me again that she wanted to do it and watched my eyes.
"I turned and looked at the ceiling then closed my eyes. I was still nervous from her touching me and closed my eyes. I told her I wanted it.
"The next twenty minutes were the dreamiest I had ever spent in my entire life. I lay there and she was on her stomach. Her face was resting against my mound and she was rubbing it back and forth. She turned then and planted kisses all over me and darted her lips up and down the cleavage. Then she lightly pulled the lips aside and ran her tongue along the cleavage. She dipped it into the hollow of my sex and started stabbing it. The excitement poured through me. I had never before felt so loved. She was doing something so intimate I could hardly believe it. She was doing something that warmed me more than anything I had ever felt.
"I lay there and the pressure inside me mounted. I could hardly stand it and closed my legs about her head. I held her head against me and let her kiss it until I felt the first climax for the evening and dropped back. When I climaxed she kept it up. Then she moved away when my legs went slack. She came up beside me and placed her hand over my breast. She asked me what I felt like. I turned and her face was still moist and red. She looked excited and worn. Her hair was mussed and her cheeks were red. Her eyes were wet and she was trembling. I looked down at her breasts and could see they were swollen. I knew what she wanted and pushed her to her back. I leaned over and touched my lips all over her face then moved down to her chest.
"I felt strange for a moment but that passed. Before long I was gripping the underside of her breasts and licking it like a cone. I touched the nipple several times then I touched the other breast and sucked at the nipple until her hips were dancing wildly. I turned then and looked down at her hips. Her legs were closed tight and her hips were jerking. She dug her feet into the bed and brushed her buttocks back and forth across it. Then she settled her buttocks against the bed and parted her legs wide. She lay there and her hips moved slowly up and down, telling me of her need.
"I turned about and moved down. I looked at the thick triangle and watched it for a moment. The desire was there and there was no getting around it. I wanted to do something with her. The longer I watched her crotch the more I wanted to kiss her.
"Finally I touched my lips for the first time to a woman's body. When I did I felt a thrill the likes of which I had never known. I burrowed against her and my tongue moved down. Eagerly I gripped her buttocks and stabbed my tongue into her mound. Penny went wild. She pressed her hand to the back of my head and pressed me against her. She turned on her side and closed her legs about my head. She locked me against her then turned me onto my side and burrowed her head between my legs.
"Soon we were rolling about the bed. I was hugging her and nearly out of my mind. We passed through a climax a piece then lay there quietly doing it to one another, afraid to pull away, afraid to stop.
"When it was over I rolled to my back. My mind was running a mile a minute. I closed my eyes and tried to turn the damn thing off but could not. I couldn't stop thinking about a thousand things. I lay there for nearly three hours and tried to think of something that would stop me. It was senseless. My mind never turned off that night or the next day. I could not think of a thing without thinking of something right after it that would cancel the first thought. Before the end of the afternoon I was lying on the sofa in my apartment. I could hardly stand it. I was nearly insane and knew it.
"My father came home that afternoon and was angry again. I had stayed out and didn't tell him where. We had an argument and that did little for my attitude or composure.
"I still couldn't think straight. Even in school I started getting all screwed up. Before this happened I was fairly smart. I always got good grades, but when this thing happened I just couldn't keep my mind running on anything right. I thought of something I wanted but couldn't finish it. Before I was half through I changed my mind and started doing something else.
"I was this way most of my life I guess. Even after that I had trouble thinking of anything in the right way. I didn't know what I wanted.
"Then one afternoon I had more reason to get worked up. I went home and my father had written a note that he had gone out for the evening. I was upset with myself and the difficulties I was having in school and went down the hall. Without knocking I opened the door to Penny's apartment and stepped inside. She got home a little after I did. She worked the seven to three-thirty shift and usually made it home around four or so.
"When I entered the apartment I stepped to the door to her bedroom. I heard something then stepped into the doorway. Penny was lying on the bed getting it from a man. He was between her legs and his hips were working slowly against her. They didn't know I was there. He had his face against her shoulder and her face was on the other side of his body. Neither of them could see the door from the way they were lying.
"I stood there and felt sick. Penny reached down between their bodies and touched the man. He pulled back and his penis moved out. She grabbed his penis and rolled it against her clitoris. Then she slid it back and it disappeared into her body again. I looked for a moment and the man moved to his elbows above her. Penny parted her legs and started rolling under him. He started moving in and out.
"I turned then and my stomach turned over. I ran out of the apartment and down into my own. I slammed the door to the bathroom and vomited for nearly half an hour until I was rolling on the floor trying to stop the aching that was happening inside me.
"The next time I saw Penny it was in the hall that same evening. I looked at her and got sick again. She asked me what was wrong but I just couldn't stand to see her like that. I turned about and ran back to my place.
"Once I tried it with a man but could never do it. The minute I saw his penis I felt sick inside. I turned away from the boy I was with and begged him to leave me alone. Then I ran home.
"It was like that ever since. I could never think of a man without getting sick to my stomach. Every time I thought about my father I just gagged and it was like getting sick all over again."
It seemed to me then that this girl was revolted by sex because of some guilt emotion. I was going to ask her if she actually wanted her father but decided never to ask that question. It seemed to me that if I ever did she would flip her mind right on the spot.
She thought sex with a man was dirty but with a woman she was able to manufacture some other vision of it. It seemed to me that the presence of the penis in the act was the deciding factor and not what she was doing precisely. She had done everything else with a woman that her father had done but thought little of that for that matter. But still whenever the subject of a man was brought up she rebelled.
Perhaps the beating she had gotten from her father only intensified the revulsion she felt for him. She had seen him, acting like a pig, as she had said, then had this image of manhood intensified when he beat her the night she came home after the incident in the hall. This image of men stuck with her for the most of her life until she was forced to feel revolted when she saw a man, let alone to touch one or let one touch her.
This accounts for the unusual way she felt when she met me. It seemed that, for one reason or another, she was not revolted and didn't know quite how to act in the beginning.
I tried to talk to her again about her problem but it was senseless. She never could understand that her emotions were nonsexual. She persisted in saying that she didn't feel hatred when she contemplated sex. She tried to tell me that she felt nothing at all and that was her problem.
I had other thoughts. It seemed to me that she was cold with men because she felt hatred. She was reacting to her father and his treatment of her and never was able o understand this.
CHAPTER SIX
LINDA
I got disheartened with thoughts about figuring people out for almost three months. During that time I pushed aside the consideration of other people's problems and went back to work. I tried to force the considerations I had had out of my mind completely but every once in a while I was found sitting there talking to myself about it.
About three months after I had talked with Eve, a friend of mine gave a party. I went and had a few drinks. During the evening I bumped into a young woman named Linda. Almost immeidately she and I started a conversation. A few moments later we were in the car and she was going wild with me.
I had never met a woman who could so quickly be immersed in sex; it was surprising. She never seemed to let up a bit.
As it turned out she was easy to talk with and seemed to delight in confession.
"I loved it from the beginning, the very beginning I guess. It seemed that I never could get enough. Even when I was a girl I used to love doing it to myself. I did it often in the bathtub. That was about the safest place in the whole house for me.
"I used to sit there while I was taking my bath. I would soap it and play with it until I was nearly crazy with need. Then I would drape my legs over the edge of the tub and masturbate slowly.
"This part of my nature never came out in other parts of the house. I knew if my parents ever learned what I was doing they would flip. So I decided to be smart and decided that I would never give in to the temptation except when I was bathing. From the age of fourteen until I was sixteen, I took two baths a day. I took one in the afternoon when I got home from school then another one in the evening when I was getting ready for bed.
"Each time it was something else. I finally had my pussy stretched far enough apart to get my whole finger inside and loved it from then on even more than before. I used to just sit there and finger myself slowly.
"Then one evening my parents were out. I stepped out of the house and walked into the backyard. I sat under the large tree there and rested for a moment then started touching myself. I pushed my panties out from my stomach and started feeling myself up. As I was touching myself I noticed a small light across the yard in Alice Tanner's place. The light was her bedroom. From where I was sitting I could tell that they were in there. Every once in awhile I noticed a shadow passing by the window.
"I stopped touching myself that night and got up. I walked across the yard and hid behind the bushes near the wall. I peered through the window and had my first glimpse of sex. Alice's husband stepped into the room completely naked. His penis was hanging half way down his legs as limp as a dish rag. It swung back and forth as he stepped to the bed. Alice was lying on the bed. She looked at him for a moment, then touched his penis. She wrapped her fingers about it and held it gently. Alice parted her legs. Her husband then dropped to the side of the bed and touched her thigh. He moved his hand up and covered her blonde mound. He pressed his hand against it and started rubbing her gently. Then he stabbed his finger inside her and started pumping it wildly.
"Alice closed her legs about his hand and started moving around on the bed. She turned then and sat up. She threw her arms about his neck and pulled him onto the bed. Her husband moved away from her and dropped to his side next to her. He lifted his leg and his penis was hard. The tip of it was against her leg and he was moving. Alice turned toward him and touched him. Her fingers closed about his penis. Then she started moving her hand back and forth. Her husband reached down. His hand touched hers and pushed it away from his penis. He pushed her hand between his legs and she touched his testicles. He rolled to his back then and parted his legs. Alice sat up. She moved down and dropped her body over his stomach. She touched his testicles with one hand and moved her other up and down on his penis.
"Alice was blonde. Her hair glistened and she sat on the bed under the ceiling light. She looked so clean as she was sitting there. She smiled and stared at his penis. Then she leaned over and ran her tongue along the underside of his penis and back up. Her husband arched and turned on his side. He moved his hips back and forth as though he could not stand the pressure. He then rolled away and grabbed her arm. He pulled her to the bed and dropped to his stomach. He fell between her legs and his face was buried in her mound.
"Alice reached down. Her fingers moved about his head and guided him. Her own head flew back and she closed her eyes. Her hips moved up and down and her fleshy buttocks worked against the mattress. Alice twisted and turned for a moment then sat up. She pushed his face away from her legs and rolled him to his back. She stared at his penis then sat on him until her buttocks were against his legs.
"I looked at the sight and could hardly stand it. I shoved my panties down my legs and stabbed my finger into my body. I held my finger there and walked toward the window. I stood there and stared at the huge penis as it came out, then rushed back in.
"A few minutes passed and I spun about. I was weak and leaned against the wall, panting hard. When I looked up there was someone standing in the driveway. I stared at the boy and knew it was Eddy, a kid I had been seeing in school. When I saw him I ran to him. I threw my arms about him and pulled him against me. I pressed myself against him and kissed his face.
"Eddy held me for a moment then pushed me back. He stepped away and walked down the driveway. He stopped in front of the window then turned and walked back, as though he were about to leave. As he passed me I grabbed his hand. He spun about and without warning he slapped me across the face. Then he turned and ran out of the driveway as fast as he could.
"I whirled about, looked at the window and felt bad. I know what he thought. I knew how he was. He was just so tight all the time he never would understand what I was doing there. He just wasn't that type I guess. When I turned around the desire was gone that night. I went back into the house and laid down. I tried to think about what had been happening in that place, but it was never any good. I couldn't remember it.
"I went to the bathroom and tried to masturbate but felt nothing. Even when I tried to get my finger into my pussy I was dry as a bone. I touched myself but there was no excitement anywhere in my body.
"That night I felt wonderful when I got to bed. I lay there and it was the first time in a long time that I could relax. It just seemed that all the desire was gone from my body. The next day I was carefree. Even when I went to school and saw Eddy I was carefree as hell. I didn't care what he thought then. I knew what he thought was not the truth. I was no longer the type of girl I had been before.
"It was strange but this feeling lasted for a few days. Even when I bathed I remembered that I felt nothing at all. I used to touch my pussy with the bar of soap and get excited but during this time I couldn't get excited if I wanted to. I took only one bath those days and was tickled pink when I climbed out. I had beat it. I had actually beat the desire.
"I guess I learned in those few days that I was not as liberal in my thinking as I had been. If I had accepted the fact that I needed to masturbate like I had tried to convince myself, then I never would have been so happy when I quit.
"I guess that shows something or other.
"I knew then that I had a pretty foul attitude about sex and knew where it came from. My mother was one of those people that believed that sex drove you nuts and I had picked up some of that fear. When I first started masturbating, that same night, I remembered lying there wondering what I would be like when I woke up in the morning.
"I thought I had made a good adjustment until that thing with Eddy. When I had quit I knew that I was glad as hell.
"Then one afternoon I was sitting in the backyard again. Of course the lights were out next door but I still wondered about the window. I sat there that afternoon and peered at the window. As things work out the folks left again that night and went out somewhere. I was sitting in the house and could not get my mind off the window. I sat there for the longest time then walked into the kitchen and peered out the window. The first time I looked, the window next door was not lighted. They had not gone to bed then. When I turned I knew I wanted to watch. As I walked back into the living room I knew that I was upset because there was no light on in the driveway.
"I sat around and tried to convince myself that I didn't want to go out there. But as the time passed I looked at the clock. I noticed the time again about an hour after I had walked into the kitchen. I got up then strolled out to the kitchen. I stood there and peered out the window.
"The second I saw the light in the bedroom in the driveway I knew I was dead. I turned about and tired to forget it, but I couldn't. I tried to convince myself that I really didn't want to go out there, but I knew too well that that was not the truth.
"I turned toward the front room and walked to the door leading out of the kitchen. I stood there for a moment, then looked at the back door to the kitchen and knew it was senseless to try and fight it. It was just a matter of time before I went out there. Maybe I wouldn't have gone out there that night but I knew that later on I would have gone out there for another look.
"I stepped to the door that night and walked into the driveway. I crept behind the bushes and stayed there for awhile.
"Inside the bedroom they were naked again. She was lying on the bed the same as before. She was naked and her legs were parted. She was touching herself lightly and he was standing beside the bed, watching her. He dropped to the edge of the bed and worked his arms about her back. He pulled her up and pressed his face against her neck. Then he pushed her back and started down her body. He started kissing her breasts, then turned her on her side. He laid down beside her and started sucking one of her breasts while his fingers stabbed between her legs.
"Alice was moving by then. Her hips were working back and forth. Her plump buttocks were flexing and her legs were trembling. I could see that she was getting really worked up. From where I was standing and it seemed that the sight of her excitement was having some type of effect upon me. I stood there and my panties grew damp. Before long all I could think about was the dampness between my legs and the sight of them on the bed across the way.
"I stood there and felt naughty as I looked. I stared at his large penis and wished I was lying next to him. I stared at it for the longest time and wished that my hand was wrapped around it instead of hers. As I watched she wet her hand and moved it down. She slipped her fingers about him and started working them back and forth. Then she ran her hand between his legs and touched his testicles. She lifted them and teased them, then slipped her fingers back and started touching him again.
"I went crazy. As I watched the bucking of his hips I pushed my panties down. I parted my legs wide and moved my hand back and forth across the mound. I then slipped my fingers into my vagina and started pumping wildly. I got really excited and fell back against the house. I held myself up and moved one hand to my breasts. I rolled them wildly and moved my finger in and out of my pussy. I got more excited than I had ever become. It seemed at the time that I was going to explode with excitement. Everything in my body was screaming with excitement and I could hardly stand it. Tears rushed down my cheeks. My lower lip was trembling and the need was written all over my face.
"I looked up and he had moved down on the bed. He was kneeling between her legs and his hips were facing the window. His legs were parted and I could see the darkness between his buttocks. His penis was standing up straight and his testicles were hanging down, offering the most exciting sight I had ever seen in my entire life. I looked at him then pulled my panties up. For some reason I ran away from the window. I reached the street and started down the street, trying to get away from my obsession.
"When I reached about a block away from the house I stopped. I turned and felt as though someone was watching me. I looked and was I standing in front of Eddy's house. He was sitting on the porch looking down at me. I walked toward the porch and climbed the stairs. He looked at me then stood up. He must have seen something in my face because he never moved back. He stared at me then crossed the porch. He stared at my face then slapped me again. He was about to slap me once more then reached out and pushed his fingers into my hair. He twisted my hair and jerked my head toward him. He turned my face and plunged his mouth against mine.
"I pulled away and looked behind him. The lights in his house were out and obviously his parents were gone. I stared at the front window for a moment then looked at him again. Eddy stepped back to a bench on the porch and sat down. He looked at me and raised his arms toward me.
"It was dark and cool on the porch. I stepped to him and stood in front of him. Eddy looked down at my knees and touched them. He ran his hands up the backs of my legs and touched my panties. Then he peeled them down slowly. He worked them off my feet and raised my dress. His face was limp and he dropped to his knees. He stared at my pussy for a moment, then threw his arms about my buttocks, plunging his face between my legs and starting to kiss me wildly.
"I tingled all over for a moment then pushed his face back. His face was red and he was gasping. I shoved him back against the chair he was sitting on, then dropped to my knees. The railings on the porch were closed in. No one from across the street would be able to see what I was doing while I was kneeling there and I knew this. I knelt in front of him and eagerly pulled his trousers apart. I pulled his cock out of his pants. I touched my lips to the head of it and instantly he shivered. He bucked under me for a moment and I pulled back. I looked down at myself then looked at him and he was still shaking. He looked back at me for a moment then he jumped to his feet and ran into the house, leaving me on the porch.
"I turned and started for the door. When I reached it I heard a car driving down the street. I looked down at myself again and started running across the yard as the car pulled into Eddy's driveway and the lights went out. When I reached the house I was scared. I ran into the bathroom and threw off my clothes. I dumped them into the hamper, then ran downstairs and threw the dress in the machine. I was so afraid my mother would see me that I was shivering all the way. Then I started the washing machine and got the dress wet, I turned it off. I just wanted the dress wet enough so my mother would not suspect. I turned about then and ran into my bedroom. I threw myself on the bed and started masturbating wildly, just as I had been doing before he slapped me.
"As I lay there that night every part of me tingled. I knew that in the next few days I would be losing my cherry and could hardly wait for the day to happen. As I lay there that night I thought about how he had looked. I lay there staring at the ceiling and could not get the sight of his penis out of my mind. As I looked at the ceiling and my breasts swelled again. Before I knew it I was tingling again. Before I knew it I wanted to masturbate even though I had just finished. I touched my pussy again. I stabbed my finger into it then pulled my legs back. With my other hand I started touching my buttocks and moved my fingers between them. I touched my anus and experimented with it for the first time in my life.
"Before long I was stabbing my fingers into both of the places and going out of my mind. The sensations were so acute that I lost my breath and started panting wildly. I kept it up for nearly half an hour then went through the sharpest climax I ever experienced in my entire life. When I was through this time I lay there and noticed that this was the first time in my life I had ever masturbated in bed. When I thought about this I rolled to my side. I pressed my face against the pillow and started crying like a baby. I guess I really hated myself for that. I guess I really hated myself for breaking a promise I had made that I would never do it in my room.
"I don't know why it affected me that way but the next afternoon when I came home I could not even walk into my room. I felt ashamed of myself. I knew what I had been doing was terrible and wanted so much to try and stop again. I turned from the bedroom then and stepped into the front room. I was sitting there trying to get my mind off masturbation when there was a knock on the door. I went to the door and sure enough Eddy was standing there.
"I looked at him and tried to slam the door. He jammed his foot inside the house and pushed the door back. He stepped into the room and pulled me against him. He pressed his hand between my buttocks and held it there then shoved me across the room to the sofa. He slammed me onto the sofa and pushed my dress up about my hips. He pulled my panties down again and his face was between my legs licking me wildly before I had a good chance to see what was happening.
"I cried out for a moment, then I lost control.
My legs parted wider and started locking about his head. My hand went down and touched the back of his head. I pushed his face against my pussy and guided it down. He moaned and his tongue worked into the slit. I trembled from head to toe then and my legs parted wider. I held them apart and my mind went blank, I held the back of his head against me and guided his mouth up until he was touching the clitoris.
"Eddy kissed me there for the longest time, then pulled away. He moved on his knees along the side of the sofa and reached the place where my head was. He stabbed his fingers into his trousers and yanked them apart. He shoved his shorts down and his legs and around his knees. Then he leaned over and his penis moved toward my lips. I stared at him again and there was no getting around the fact that I liked looking at it. I stared at the head of it and when I saw the moistness I felt strange and sexy. I then touched it like I had seen Alice touch her husband, and pulled him toward my lips. I opened my mouth and wrapped my lips about the knob. Eddy grabbed my head and held it. Then he stabbed forward and his penis rushed all the way inside my mouth. Eddy groaned again and pulled back. He looked down at his penis and then started moving back and forth, sliding his penis in and out of my mouth.
"The idea of doing it was almost too much. I lay there and grabbed his hand. I was hot and wanted something else. I touched his hand over my pussy and held it there. Then I made him roll the clitoris while I moved my hands back and forth on his body.
It was a bit longer than the time before. Eddy seemed to have gained some control from the time on the porch. He didn't seem to get as worked up all of a sudden and there was some time to enjoy it. But before long he did lose his control. His hips started moving back and forth. His legs trembled and his stomach tightened. He groaned then pulled my face against his stomach and ejaculated.
"I lay there and climaxed myself when it happened. I don't think it was because he was touching me as much as it was because of the idea of what I was doing, I never felt that way before. I was so nervous I could hardly stand it, but I was happy. I was shaking all over but I was very, very happy. When he was done he pulled back. He told me that he wanted to take me out again that night. He said that he could get his father's car and we could go somewhere. I sat up and nodded. He left then and I went back to sitting around the house until the folks came home.
"When the folks arrived I was shivering again. I avoided my mother. I kept thinking some stupid thought about her finding out what I was doing by the way I looked. I thought that maybe there was something different about the way I looked or the way I was acting that might clue her into what I had been doing that afternoon.
"Mother never caught on though she seemed quite surprised that I had a date that night. She usually didn't like boys coming around the house, but she had some notion that Eddy was a good kid and said nothing about anything when I mentioned that he was the boy that was taking me out that night. That night Eddy came by and we went into the country. He pulled the car off the road and we parked. He undressed me then and we laid in the back seat playing with each other.
"We were sitting there in the back seat when he leaned over. He stabbed his hand into his pants and asked if I would keep a secret. I told him that I would and almost immediately he produced some kind of pictures that he handed me. I looked at them and got all fired up. They were dirty pictures showing what everyone was doing. They showed one woman kissing a man's penis. They showed the man kissing her in return. Then there was one showing the two of them doing it. Eddy looked at the picture then turned to me. He stared at me and I knew what he was thinking. I told him then that I was afraid of getting pregnant, but he mentioned that he would pull out before he came.
"I didn't know anything about that and we were soon lying there. His penis was all the way inside and I was very hot. His hands were wrapped about my buttocks and he was trembling wildly. He did pull out then. He pulled out right when he was about to come and leaned against my stomach. He pressed his penis against me then moaned and climaxed.
"When I felt it I cried out. I sat up and grabbed the shirt he had been wearing and wiped myself. I felt so unclean in that second I didn't want anymore for that evening. Eddy was upset but he drove me home. He was more concerned when we got home about what we were going to do the next night then anything else. He figured I guess that I was going to dump him then. I assured him that evening that we could do it again and he let me go.
"It wasn't long after that that I dumped him. I met another kid in school who was really smart and knew his way around things. I started going with him behind my mother's back because he knew so much about everything. He used rubbers and before long he had taught me how to really enjoy it. We used to go to the show and I would sit on it while we were parked. With the rubber on he could stay hard forever and I just used to sit there grinding away until I came a few times. Then he would want it and started turning on.
"Before long I got used to him. In the usual course of things I found that I could not live through one night without having him. I used to call him and beg him to come over when the parents were out. I used to love it with him and never wanted one day to go by without it. Then one night we double dated. We went to a movie with another couple. I was sitting in the front seat with my date when I heard a noise in the back seat behind me. I turned my head and the fellow behind us was naked.
"The sight of him stirred me. I sat there and found I could not take my eyes off him. I stared at his penis then looked into his eyes. He seemed to understand what I was thinking and pushed the girl he was with aside. He leaned forward to the front seat and kissed me on the lips. I pulled away and wondered what the fellow I was with would think if I started showing some kind of affection to the boy in the back seat. My date just looked at me and smiled as though it made no difference in the world at all.
"The girl in the back seat stared at me for a moment as though she was testing me. Then she dropped back and smiled. She thought in that moment about something, then told me to do what I felt like doing and forget about what the others in the car were thinking. I guess that was where everything started really happening. I leaned over the seat and touched his penis. I moved my hand down and played with him for a moment then drew my hand back and looked at my date again.
"The kid I was with stepped out of the car. He went back to the trunk and lifted the lid. He pulled out a blanket and turned again. He stepped back and called the rest of us. He said he was going somewhere else then pulled out of the show and started down the street. We went to a small cellar in some building. The fellow I was with told me then that they had rented it months ago with the intention of doing something with it but never got around with it.
"Inside the cellar it was dark. He turned on the light and the others stepped into the room. I stood there and there was a bed against one of the walls. A few pictures were hanging above the bed and it looked like the place was being used by a lot of kids. While I was standing there the other couple walked into the room and stepped to the bed. The girl sat down and calmly undid the fellow's pants. She pulled his trousers and shorts down his legs and let them drop about his ankles. Then she pushed his shirt up and leaned over.
"I was stunned as usual by the sight of what they were doing and walked across the room. The girl paid not the least bit of attention to what I was doing and leaned over again. She took the boy's penis into her mouth and started doing it slowly to him. The date I was with pulled up a chair. Quickly he shook off his trousers and shirt and sat on the chair completely naked with his back to the bed. I looked at his penis and understood what he was thinking. I took off my things and moved across the room to him. I parted my legs and sunk down on his hardness, burying it completely inside me. I sat there and he was completely inside me. I looked over his shoulder at the bed.
"The couple on the bed moved away from one another. The boy turned and threw off his shoes, socks and clothes. Then he turned and started undoing the girl's clothes. He got her naked and started peppering her chest with kisses. He held one breast at a time and moved down, lightly kissing her stomach and the rest of her hips. Then he moved down again and parted her legs. He burrowed his face against her mound and started kissing her wildly. I watched and moved about. It was like being in some other world. I felt all that heat around me and could not stand the tension that was building inside me. Finally I pressed down against the boy's penis and held it inside. I moved back and forth stirring myself, then felt the climax rumble through me.
"I moaned and hugged against him. I was relieved for an instant but never pulled away from him. I held myself against him and started moving my hips back and forth again.
"On the bed the boy had turned and was kneeling above her. Her hands were moving about sensually on his buttocks. Then she pulled him down and touched her lips to his penis. He leaned over her and pressed his penis into her mouth. I stared at them, then, just as though there was nothing else in the world, I got off the boy I was with and moved across the room. I looked at the other kid's back and leaned over. I started kissing his back and moved down. Then I slipped to the bed, rolled to my back and stretched out.
"The boy pulled away from her legs and turned his head. When he saw me there he moved away from her. He climbed between my legs and without a word shoved his penis inside me. He drove it completely inside and held it there. He then started loving me wildly. We went crazy when he was doing it. There was something about the dingy room that excited me. There was something about being in that place that seemed to have some effect upon me and made me more passionate than I usually was.
"I lay there and moved my legs back. I held myself up and he stabbed wildly against me. Then he started roaming about my buttocks and held me up. He jerked against me and his penis moved deeper. He reached places which had never been touched before and before I knew it I was climaxing again and again. Then he started getting anxious. He pulled on my shoulders. He jerked several times and it happened for him.
"When he was through he pulled out and dropped beside me. He lay there and I kept moving about. I was still excited and wanted more. My date was standing at the end of the bed. He looked at me then jumped upon me. He rammed it into my body and started doing it. I was more eager than I ever was. I dug my fingers into his buttocks and pulled him against me. I pulled his body against mine and moved my hands anxiously up his back. He hugged against me tighter and tighter and moved my hips as though I was going right out of my mind.
"Then it started happening again. I felt the excitement rumbling through me and could hardly stand it. I moaned and my head flew back. I squeezed my legs and jerked my hips up and down against him, then grunted and the fiercest climax I had ever had ran through me.
"The sensation was delightful and when it was over I was still moving. I rolled about on the bed and touched myself. Then I turned to the girl lying near me and touched her breast. I cupped it for a moment and had the unbearable urge to touch her more completely. I ran my hand down her body and touched her mound. I moved my hand against the cleavage. I stabbed my finger into her body and suddenly she started moving as though she really enjoyed it.
"Someone shouted for us to do it and I wanted to. I rolled against her and pressed hard. My hands delighted in the sensation of her softness and I moved them up and down on her back. I pulled her hips against mine and we hugged tight while she had a climax.
"It went on and on. When I was about to quit that night the boys were ready again. They took the both of us and did it to us. Then they shifted to the other girl and still kept going.
"When I got home and entered my room I felt miserable. I looked at the bed then walked into the front room. I looked at the sofa and then the notion came to me that everywhere I looked there was something that reminded me of sex. It seemed that every place I looked from that moment on was like it was sexual."
In this case the girl knew that she felt sex was dirty. Whenever she had a sexual thought the image of herself changed and she became what she was thinking. She thought of the dirtiness of sex and instantly she began to see herself as being dirty and felt compelled, utterly compelled, to act in accordance with that image she had of herself.
Even to he point of fouling her life completely. She became a compulsive because she needed to become so. She felt as though every thought she was thinking was sexual and needed to go through life making a justification for this train of thought in her own mind.
CHAPTER SEVEN
JANET
As I progressed and continued thinking about misdirected or misinterpreted emotions I began to wonder about people who find themselves forced to follow a certain type of life and what caused them to follow that part of life.
It seemed to me that there had to be some reason, even though inappropriate, for a woman deciding to become a prostitute or becoming one.
I was curious about this type of woman and decided to see about locating one. I took no time at all in finding a woman who was willing to talk about things with me. And, shortly before I met her, I began to wonder about the processes of images. I wondered if perhaps people followed their particular part of life because they actually saw themselves as being that person even before they entered the profession. In other words, I wondered if a woman decided upon becoming a prostitute because she saw herself as one before she actually became one.
Janet provided me with some answers and perhaps some notions about the eventuality of my thoughts.
Janet had been a prostitute for three years. She came from a small mid-western town. She had lived there most of her life then decided to go into the big city in an attempt to find some answers to her questions.
"I don't remember anything but hardship during my childhood. My mother and father were relatively poor and things were never really good around the house. My mother was one of those backward people with a well defined sense of morality. My father was a drunk, given to periodical flares at being righteous.
"I guess the real start of the thing was when I went to visit a cousin of mine. She was younger than me at the time. I was only fifteen or sixteen. I think it was sixteen and she was fifteen. This cousin lived on the other side of the tiny community where I lived. We were friends and never had too many secrets from one another.
"That night I went to stay with her and her folks were gone for the evening. She had been lonely and called me about coming over. She mentioned that she was afraid to stay in the house by herself. I went over there that night and we went to bed. I was lying there when suddenly she turned toward me. She undid my pajama top and her face went down to my breasts. She kissed each of my nipples and started fooling around with my pajama bottoms.
"I liked the feeling of her fingers touching me and lifted my hips into the air. She shoved my pajamas down my legs and started touching my thighs. I opened them and before another instant passed, her fingers were playing with the lips of my vagina. I liked the feeling and opened my legs wider. She turned about then and sat between my legs. She massaged the lips gently and started prying them open. She held them apart with one hand and forced her finger into my vagina. I moaned and my hips started moving. I closed my legs about her chest and held her tight. I moaned again and suddenly my hands closed tight on the bed. I pulled the sheet toward my body and could not stop moving about.
"My cousin Phyllis kept touching me and before long I was panting wildly. Then she moved it down and stabbed into my body again. She kept this up until I was nearly fainting with the emotion of it. I started going wilder and wilder. I closed my legs about her hand and snapped my hips up and down. Then I sat up and pulled her down on me. I parted my legs and pressed my loins against her stomach. I pressed with all my might and she moved as though she was making love to me. I liked this and pulled her shirt up. I ran my hands up and down her back. Then I slipped them into her bottoms and touched her buttocks.
"She moved against me eagerly and turned her face. She pressed her lips against the base of my neck and touched that spot there. Then she started down. She kissed my breasts again and moved down my stomach. She found the sensitive spot near the navel and dipped her tongue inside. I threw my legs out wide and started shivering again. She moved down and lightly touched her lips against my legs. She moved them about then brushed her lips over the mound.
"I was nearly frantic. I closed my eyes and threw my head back. I grabbed the sheet at the sides of my body and pulled it against me. Then she moved down and her tongue touched the lips. She parted them and I knew I was lost. A couple of minutes later we were going the whole route. She was above me on her knees and her legs were parted wide. I stared at her mound for a moment then pulled her down. I touched my lips against her then started kissing her in the same way she was kissing me. I moved my tongue along the cleavage and started dipping it into her body.
"I liked it then and we hugged together. We rolled on the bed and ended up on our sides. We held each other and did it again and again until both of us were shivering and near the end.
"I was still lying there when the door boomed open. Her mother was standing there looking at us and her face was wild. I stared at her and knew damn well what was happening. My aunt would flip when she talked with my mother. I jumped up and was still staring blindly at her. I turned then and pressed my face against the bed. The revulsion I felt for myself was nearly frantic. I wished then that I were dead. I was hoping that something would happen and I would end up dead.
"My aunt turned around and before I had a chance to do anything she was gone. I jumped from the bed and got my clothes. I started for the front door in the hope of finding her before she left but she was backing the car out of the drive when I got there. I nearly died in those minutes and my cousin was half out of her mind. She came into the room crying and we looked at each other even though there was nothing to say.
"A few moments later I was on the sofa. I was rocking back and forth and the anticipation was nearly awesome. I knew my mother was coming. I just knew what would happen when she got there. It happened a few minutes after that. I don't know how my aunt ever got there that fast, but before I knew what was happening the front door opened and my mother stood there.
"I'll never forget the expression on her face. She entered the room and it was as though she was some other person, some person from some other world. She looked at me; then her hand cracked against my face. Then she pulled my hair and started slapping me back and forth across my face, calling me everything in the book, telling me how terrible I was and how she wished I was dead.
"That was the beginning of it. From that day on my mother never spoke to me. Every time she looked at me there was that same expression in her eyes. Every time she opened her mouth it was to tell me that she wished I was dead or that I must have been someone else's child and delivered to her room in the hospital by mistake.
"This kept up for the longest time and I was afraid to move. I hardly dated at all and never had a person come to call on me. I figured that it would be best if I just stayed away from the rest of the world. I began I guess to figure that anyone coming for me would be too good for me anyway. I remember shortly after that looking into the mirror. It seemed I could hardly look at myself. I stood there that afternoon and before I knew it was, tearing into everything about myself.
"My mother never said anything to my father about what happened. I guess she thought it would be terrible if she ever told him. I guess she was afraid that he would start on the bottle and never quit. Then one night my mother left to visit someone. My father came home that night with some other man he had met in one of the bars. He asked where my mother was and when I told him he went out to the store to get something else to drink.
"I was at home with the man he was with. The man came into my room and sat on the bed. He looked at me lying there for a moment then placed his hand over my breasts. He was unshaven and I liked the way he looked. He had a thick scar on the side of his face and it seemed that this scar did something for the attraction I was feeling for him. At the time I was so tickled to have someone making a fuss over me I never thought a thing about what he was doing. I just lay there and started purring like a kitten.
"The man, Ralph, opened my blouse and slipped his hand inside my bra. He curled his fingers about my breast and pulled it up. He then undid the front of my blouse and slipped his hand down. He pushed my bra up and his lips came to rest on my nipples. I was scared for a moment. I kept thinking about my father. I knew that he was coming home in a few moments and was worried that he would come into the place and find us like that. But on the other hand I liked the things this man was doing. I liked the feeling of his hands against my breast and my nipple started rising. I liked the way my stomach was knotting and wanted more of the things he was doing with me.
"While I lay there I noticed his trousers. They were bulging and it looked like a tent in front. I knew that he was large and the excitement of wanting to see him made me more eager under his hands. I reached out then and touched his legs. I moved my hand along his thigh and touched the bulge. I moved my hand over the bulge and squeezed then pulled down the tab on his zipper and reached inside his shorts. I pulled out his penis and looked at it.
"Then the man, Ralph, turned to me. He moved on the bed beside me and lay there with one leg in the air. He stared at my face and his liquored breath hit my face. He stared into my eyes and his eyes became soft and wanting. I touched his hardness and moved my hand inside his trousers. I worked my fingers about the heaviness of his balls and pulled them out of his trousers. He told me to be careful and I held them gently, rolling them in my fingers. I rolled him and he moved to his back. He stretched out and parted his trousers. He lifted his hips and pushed his trousers half way down his legs.
"I stared for a moment at his penis and leaned over. I touched my lips against the knob then took it into my mouth. When I was kissing him it was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life. My breasts started swelling and the nipples felt as though they were about to burst. I moved against him and then leaned down pulling more of his penis into my mouth. I held his penis inside my mouth and ran my tongue over the underside until I felt him swelling.
"Ralph cried out and his hands went down. He grabbed the sides of my head and held me.
Then he started jerking up and down under me and panting. His eyes closed tight and suddenly he was shivering. He moved to his side then and held the sides of my head. He moved his hips back and forth and his penis worked in and out of my mouth easily. I moaned and suddenly he was gripping my head. He worked his hips slower this time and suddenly he pressed against me. He did it then into my mouth.
"When it happened I felt a glow. Everything inside my body moved about and suddenly collected above my loins. I felt as though I was ready to scream, then squeezed my legs together very hard and my climax tore through me.
"When it was over he moved back. He sat on the edge of the bed and touched the side of my face. Then he leaned and lightly touched his lips to each of my eyes and moved back. He told me that he loved me and got up. He stood beside the bed and started doing up his trousers. Then he leaned again and told me that he had to go back into the front room before my father came back. He turned about and walked out of the room, leaving me alone.
"I lay there and stared at the door. I felt better then I had felt in a long time. I remembered what I had done and each time I thought about it I felt unusually elated about something.
"That night, a few moments later, as a matter-of-fact, my father came home with a bottle. The two of them sat in the front room until my mother came home. Then there was another argument and the men left. The next afternoon I was coming out of school when I heard a horn blow. I turned and Ralph was sitting behind the wheel of a car across the street waiting for me. When I saw him there I ran across the street and piled into the front seat beside him. I waited until he pulled away from the school and then touched his leg.
"Ralph turned and when he noticed my hand on his leg he touched it. He pulled it up and pressed it over his penis. He held it there then closed his legs about my hand and turned to me. He asked me if I had enjoyed what we were doing the night before.
"I got dreamy I guess. I just leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. Affectionately I rubbed my hand against his penis as he drive. Ralph pulled my head against his shoulder and patted the side of it. He then moved his hand down and slipped it around my side. He touched my breast again then told me that he had a small place where we could go.
"A few moments later he pulled up in front of a small apartment house. We got up and walked into the place. He guided me up the stairs to the second landing then down the hall. He knocked at the door of a place and turned to me. He touched the side of my face then turned. The door opened and a young woman was standing there. He smiled at her and she stepped back. We walked into the place and he introduced me to her. Then he mentioned that he wanted a place to stay for a short time, a place where there would be no interruptions.
"The woman smiled and turned about. They had known each other for years, I guess, and she never said a word. She showed us to the bedroom then turned and walked to the closet. She got her purse and stepped out of the apartment, leaving us alone.
"When we were in the bedroom Ralph turned and walked to the bed. He stood beside it and undid his trousers. He shoved them and his shorts down his legs then, crawled to the bed. He lay there and spread his legs. I stood at the foot of the bed and watched. His penis swelled and before long it was standing straight in the air, swelling harder and harder, tilting back slightly. Five minutes later I was sitting between his legs completely naked. He was gripping the sides of my body with his legs and his hands were wrapped around his head. I was leaning over and his penis was stuffed inside my mouth again.
"Ralph moaned then and reached down. He touched the top of my head and held it. Then he started moving his hips up and down, sliding his penis in and out of my mouth. Then he got eager again. His hands slipped down my back and moved under my body. He touched my breasts and lifted them. Then he sat up completely and moved his hands down my back again. He touched my buttocks and slipped his hands around them. Then he moved and dropped to his side. He turned me about and started kissing my breasts as his feet were positioned above my head.
"He worked on my breasts and I went wild. Then he rolled me to my back and started peppering my chest with kisses. He moved his mouth across my chest and touched one nipple then the other. Then he moved down and started licking around my navel. I started wiggling about and his hands moved down. He touched my buttocks and moved his fingers about them. He then pulled me up and burrowed his head between my legs. He found my vagina with his tongue and moved to his knees above me.
"I was in a trance by this time. I could hardly see anything but the hugeness of his penis above me. I could hardly think of anything but the size of it and how excited he looked. I touched his penis and moved my hand up and down. Then I pulled it to my mouth. He went nuts then. He moved his knees back and leaned over me. Then he started stabbing his penis into me and tongued me at the same time.
"I grew dizzy in those first few seconds. Before long I could not think of one thing. Before long I was panting and sweating under him, begging him never to stop, begging him to do it to me. Ralph pulled away from me and turned about. He crawled between my legs and looked at my mound. Then he planted his penis against the opening and pushed it slowly inside. I moaned and threw my head back. The pain was fierce in that second and it rushed through me like a hot iron. He held me then and pulled me against him. He bucked several times then smashed through my maidenhead and burrowed deeper, reaching into the very depths of my body, seeking to find the complete way inside me.
"He bucked again and suddenly his penis slid all the way inside. He lay there then with his penis buried and dropped to my shoulders. He wrapped his arms about me and hugged me, then he started moving. His penis worked in and out. The sensation rushed through me every time he moved. The heat poured through my chest and my breasts started sweating. My legs ached and my body lingered against him. I held myself against him and moaned again.
"Ralph moved back then and went to his elbows. He rested above me and looked down into my face. His face was red and his eyes were moist. His lips were parched and his breathing was hoarse. He looked at though he was about to explode he needed it so much. Then he moved and his penis moved all the way out. He held it out and looked at me. I reached down and he was moist. I guided him again and again and he pushed inside me. He pushed against me then said that he needed me and started grinding away for dear life until I was nearly insane with the need for it.
"I remember laying there and feeling the sweat and his penis moving in and out. It was as though I were in some other world. It was as though I were doing something that was so foul that it was beautiful. I looked down and when I saw his penis I was shivering. The sight of it moving out and in that way thrilled me. I saw that he was violating my body and loved the idea of him doing that. I loved the idea of being had by some drunken lout. I don't know why but I loved the notion of being made the first time by someone that I really hated.
"Before long he was coming and I didn't care. I lay there and when I felt him swelling I knew it was close. Instead of moving back I plunged against him and worked as hard as I could. I memorized the feelings and movements. I wanted to be good for him. I wanted to be the best piece he had ever had. I even asked him then what he thought about it. I asked him if I did it like the older women. He only groaned and said nothing. He pressed against me and wiggled his penis inside me. Then he pressed his face against my shoulder and pulled me against him. He drove his penis all the way inside and bucked until he climaxed. I didn't realize how it hurt until it was over. I lay there and it felt as though someone had driven a knife through me. I was gaping wide open and felt as though I had taken on an army.
"He moved away and dropped to my side. He placed his hand over my breast, but suddenly I was sick of the feeling of him. I brushed his hand away and rolled to my side. I looked into the mirror across the room and it was tilting so I could see myself. I stared at myself and seemed to gloat in the fact that I had done it with him. I seemed to love the notion that I had gone all the way with a pig.
"I rolled over to my back then and started laughing. I got laughing so hard I had to hold my stomach. The muscles down there started knotting and I could hardly breath.
"He asked me then what the hell I was laughing at and I turned to him. I touched his face and soothed him. I hated him, but it was strange as hell. I knew I didn't want to do anything that would make him mad at me. I didn't want to do a thing that would upset him and make him want to leave me. We lay there for a moment then he got up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bed. He guided me for the bathroom and closed the door. He pushed me toward the shower then turned and got the douche from the bag that the woman had in the closet. He hooked everything up then showed me how to use it and made sure I was clean before we went back to the bedroom.
"A few moments later we dressed and he took me back to the place where he had left me off. He told me never to tell my father about what we had been doing and then kissed me and told me that he would meet me the next day and we would do the same thing. The next day turned into the next days. Before long I was getting used to him and I could tell everything about him even before he did it. Before long I was doing everything with him and thought nothing about it. Before long I was in that room and we were having oral and anal sex, probing each other as intimately as two people could and doing everything else under the sun.
"It seemed as the time grew I became more defiant. I could hardly stand talking to my mother and when she asked where I was going during the afternoon I just walked out on her. I didn't even care if she found out. That would have been better than trying to tell her something that wasn't the truth.
"Ever since that time with my cousin and I, my mother and I grew more and more distant. Before long I began to understand that she didn't really care what happened to me. Before long she never asked about where I was going or where I had been and just seemed to accept the fact that I was doing something secret. She hardly ever looked at me then. It seemed that she hated the idea of having me around the house.
"During that time I kept away from my father, I got to the point where I was afraid to speak to him. I knew what would happen if he ever learned what Ralph and I were doing and never even looked at him then. I didn't much care, either. It seemed I was sick and tired of having him around, anyway. He had never done a thing for me.
"So I went back to the other guy as much as possible. We always went to that apartment and before long I was getting used to it.
"Then one afternoon I was in the bedroom with him. He was standing at the side of the bed. I was kneeling on the bed and he was giving it to me anally. I was just resting and smiling. I liked the things he would do like that and just rested, letting him build the passion inside me. I was resting there and the door opened. Stella, the woman who owned the apartment stood at the door watching us. Then she stepped across the room and stood at the foot of the bed. She stared at what he was doing to me, then dropped on the edge of the bed and gaped at the floor. Her hand came up then and she pressed it over her breast. I turned and looked at Ralph. I pulled away slowly, then moved to my side next to her. I looked at her legs then reached down and pulled the hem of her dress up. I touched her panties and curled my fingers inside them. I pushed them down her legs and worked them off her legs.
"She was older than I, obviously. She was divorced but kept herself nice. She was living alone and it was apparent that she was horny for it. I looked at her mound and it was damp. She was trembling and her legs were slick with moisture. I touched her mound and cupped it. She closed her eyes and dropped her head back. A small smile came to her lips and she moaned. She parted her legs wide and closed her eyes. She moaned again, then wiggled to the center of the bed and stretched out.
"I moved alongside her and touched her thigh. I slipped my hand along her thigh and touched her mound again. I moved my fingers up and down along the cleavage and then stabbed two of them inside her.
"She groaned and turned on her side. She threw her arms about me and hugged tight. She closed her eyes and pressed her face against the hollow of my shoulder. Then she started calling out my name and telling me how lonely she was.
"I calmed her and moved my fingers in and out. Then I slipped them along her buttocks and touched the cleavage. I moved my fingers between the cleavage and touched her from behind. She parted her legs wide and her hips danced back and forth. Then she jutted her buttocks back and permitted my finger to probe into her vagina from the back.
"I looked and suddenly Ralph dropped behind her. He wiggled close and his hardness touched her buttocks. He moved down then and closed his eyes. I touched his penis and guided it against her mound. I wiggled it against the opening, then pulled away. Ralph pushed her shoulders and tilted her forward on her side. He wiggled against her, then drilled his penis into her. He plunged and pulled her hips back. He flattened her buttocks against his stomach and held her tight.
"Stella's eyes closed and her mouth dropped open. Her chest expanded and she rolled her head back and forth. She shouted over and over how good it was, then started hunching forward and back, working herself against his penis.
"I turned around and moved down. I dropped to my side and stared at the action between their legs. I watched the penis move in and out, then touched him. I slipped my finger about his penis and he pulled it back until it was in my hand. Then I moved in and touched his penis to her buttocks. I held her aside and guided him against her. I watched for a split second and he moved against her. I moved away then and went back to the place where I was lying and watched. Stella's face contorted with pain and tears rushed down her cheeks. She bit her lower lip as hard as she could, then threw her head back. Ralph grabbed her hips and pulled her back. He humped against her several times then reached up and grabbed her shoulders. He pulled her against him and flattened her buttocks as hard as he could against his stomach.
"Stella lay there with her head against the mattress and the tears rushed down her cheeks. Then she raised her head and looked at me. Her eyes were almost like glass and she smiled as though she were some type of whore. Then she started moving around as though she really enjoyed it.
"I watched her hips move about and listened to her, then moved from the bed. Something about it sickened me and I stepped across the room. I sat on the vanity bench and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked over my shoulder at what they were doing on the bed then back at myself and cringed. I turned my face away and looked at the floor. Then I turned and spit at the image I saw in the mirror in front of me.
"I was still sitting there when they finished. I just sat there and Stella got up. She stepped across the room behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder. She moved her hand along my shoulder and touched my neck. Then she moved her fingers lightly up my neck and touched my ear. I looked at her hand in the mirror then threw my head back and looked at her blouse. It was out of her dress and her stomach was partly bared through the flaps of it. I stared at her stomach for a moment then turned about. I pulled the blouse completely out of her skirt and plunged my lips against her stomach. I held myself against her and started shivering all over.
"Stella reached down and undid her skirt. She let it fall and stood there in front of me. Her hands touched the side of my head and she guided my lips down. She touched them against her mound then pressed my head against her. I moaned and slipped my hands up the back of her legs. I touched the softness of her buttocks and worked my fingers about them. I squeezed, then lost complete control and burrowed my face against her. I moved down onto my knees and plunged my face between her legs. I touched her clitoris with my tongue, then pulled her forward and started making it for her vagina.
"Stella shivered and drew back. She looked at me then grabbed my hands from her buttocks. She lifted me up and turned toward the bed. She slipped her arm about my waist and held me against her as she walked across the room. She dropped me to the edge of the bed, then fell to her knees. She parted my legs over the edge of the bed and peppered my legs with kisses. Then she looked at my mound and closed her eyes. She leaned in and touched her lips against the mound and her tongue burrowed into me.
"I lay there and turned. When I saw Ralph was watching me, I gloated with some new sensation. I felt thrills I had never felt before and to this day can't figure what excited me so much about what was happening over there. When I saw he was looking at me like that I turned and threw myself into the act. I pulled her up and pushed her down on the bed. I turned her over and burrowed my face between her breasts. Then I started moving up and down her body, kissing every part I could get my hands and lips on.
"It was funny, but I climaxed even before she started kissing me again. I never have been able to figure the reason for that. I just have never been able to figure the reason out. But I did climax. I actually felt relief even before she kissed me. This continued and before long we were doing it. Ralph sat there watching and got turned on. Before we finished he pulled us apart and started doing it with her again.
"I sat there watching them and felt elation. His penis moved in and out of her quickly. His hands moved under her body and gripped her buttocks. He held her up and started really giving it to her. I stared at what they were doing and before I knew it I was shivering with need again. I pulled him away from her and pushed him to his back. The thrills mounted and I moved my lips across his chest. I touched his nipples then started peppering his stomach with kisses.
"Ralph was moaning and in a few moments I had his penis inside my mouth. Everything started getting wilder and I loved that more and more. Then suddenly he was jerking about under me. He was tossing his hips up and down twisting and turning, moaning wildly.
"I looked up and when I saw that Stella was watching wide-eyed I climaxed again. He wasn't even touching me and I started climaxing. It was the strangest thing I had ever felt before in my life. I continued doing it and seemed to get some satisfaction from having her watch me while I was kissing him. I had kissed him that way before, but it was never like this. It seemed that having her sitting there, covered with sweat as she was, had some effect upon me. I can't understand why that was like it was but it was.
"Before long Ralph was finishing. I went after him eagerly with my lips and kept it up until he felt limp under me. Then I turned and begged Stella to do everything with me. My emotion was so intense I could hardly believe myself. I was just coming out of myself it seemed. I was not holding back a bit with her and didn't care about holding back like that. Before long we were both naked. I had literally torn her clothes off and she was above me. I was holding her buttocks and my face was between her legs. My tongue was moving quickly in and out of her and she was returning the kindness, doing what I wanted her to do for me.
"When I got home that afternoon I felt strange with my mother. As she looked at me I felt as though I were stronger for some reason. As she looked at me I knew I didn't care one bit about what she thought about me. It seemed that I was calmer than I had ever been.
"Things developed in the usual way later on. Before I knew it I was running around with some boys in the high school. My mother kept drumming into my head the fact that I was a tramp, but I didn't care. Then it happened. One afternoon I was with Ralph again. We were in the apartment doing it. Stella was in the front room. She was having her period on that day and couldn't join us. She seemed to be a bit depressed.
"We were having sex in the room when I heard a loud bang in the front room. Even before the door to the bedroom opened I seemed to know what was happening. Even before the door opened in the bedroom I knew that the day had come. I lay there on top of Ralph. My legs were parted and his penis was stuffed inside me. He was trying to get up. He seemed to know that there was trouble and wanted to do something.
"I shoved him back then and held him against the bed. I wiggled against him and before long his passion started working again. Before long he was no longer concerned about the door but concentrating entirely on what I was doing to him. It was wild. A few seconds later the door opened and even without looking around I knew that my father had found me. I could feel his eyes on me. I could feel his hot eyes drilling holes in what I was doing.
"He ran across the room, my father did. He grabbed my wrist and jerked me from the bed. Then he jumped on Ralph and started hammering his fists against his face like a mad man. Ralph groaned slightly and tried to put up a fight but was no bargain for my father. My father hit him one last time and suddenly all the fight that Ralph had in him was gone and he went out like a light.
"I stood beside the bed and was trembling. My fathers face was bright red and he looked as though he were about to burst a blood vessel. I stood there and was numb. He crawled off the bed and spun about. He wrung his hands in front of him then started across the room after me. He grabbed my throat and started slamming the back of my head against the wall behind me. He slammed me hard, then started slapping me back and forth across the face until I went down on my knees and fell at his feet.
"He kept crying out what a tramp I was. He kept telling me that he had been watching me for weeks and knew exactly what I had been doing. He called me everything in the book, then told me never to come back to the house, that I was no longer his daughter. Then he pulled away. I knelt there and he walked to the door. He turned and walked out of the room and closed the door as though he had just walked in for a chat.
"I climbed to my feet. I walked across the room to the bed and Ralph was lying there covered with blood. Blood was trickling from his lips and his eye was swollen. I attempted to touch him and sooth him but he rolled to his side. He groaned then rolled again and told me not to touch him. I staggered away from the bed and knew what was happening then. I turned about and walked out of the room. In the front room Stella was sitting on the sofa holding the sides of her head. Tears were running down her cheeks.
"I walked to where she was sitting and she looked up. Her face was red where he had hit her before he came into the room and she was distraught.
"I felt empty and alone then. I turned around and walked back to the other room. I found my clothes and left the apartment. I decided then that the only place I could go was back to my cousin's house. I thought that maybe she was there and maybe she would give me something to do or a place to stay. I was just sixteen then. I was sixteen and more afraid than I had ever been in my life.
"It was weird but even before I went to the house where my cousin lived I knew what the answer would be. It was hard for me to understand, but I knew I was alone then. There was no place to go. I was still thinking this when I got to her place. I looked at the house and seemed to know that there was no point in going in. I knew that what had happened before with her parents and everything else would stop any consideration the girl might give me.
"I turned from the house and knew I was dead. There was no place in the whole town where I could go. There was no one in that whole stinking town that would reach out his hand and give me a hand. I knew this as I turned away.
"I went to the highway and stood there. I didn't really care what happened or how. I just wanted to get away from that place and didn't think about where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. I just wanted to get away and that was that.
"I stood on the road for a few hours and a trucker picked me up. He was kind and told me that I would have to hide out while we were driving in the day time. He then showed me where the sleeper was behind the seat in the front compartment and told me to stay inside the sleeper while we were driving. He explained that he was not allowed to pick up hitch hikers, let alone girls.
"He was married and was on his way home. He was tired and had been driving almost two days straight. He said that he wanted to get home to his wife and kids, that his kids were having a birthday that next day.
"When I heard him talk about that stuff I started crying. I never felt as miserable as I felt in that moment. I never felt as empty as that. I sat there in the compartment, or rather laid there, and waited for the hours to pass. Before long I was asleep and when I woke up I could hear the cars passing. I looked out the window and it was dark. The driver was still sitting there going about his business. He had not seen that I had gotten up yet.
"I looked at him and it was weird. I felt cheated. He was going home and I would never be able to go home. He was going somewhere where there would be some warmth and I would never know that from then on. I looked at him then I touched his shoulder. I squeezed the hard muscles in his neck and started rubbing him. Before long he yawned and pulled the truck to the side of the road. He hunched over the wheel and lifted his shoulders, calling me to rub him some more. I rubbed his shoulders then moved my hands inside his shirt. I touched the hard muscles of his shoulders then ran my fingers down across his chest.
"He pulled his head back and looked up at me. Then he touched my face and turned. He looked at my knees and placed his hand on them. I looked at his hand and held it against me. Then I looked up and told him flat out that it would cost him twenty dollars.
"He looked at my knees and smiled. He pushed my skirt back and touched my thigh. He looked at my panties, then pushed them aside. He stared at my mound and moved his hand between my legs. Then he looked into my eyes and reached into his back pocket with his other hand. He pulled out his wallet and opened it.
"I reached in and took a twenty from the wallet. He was loaded. He must have had at least three hundred bucks in that thing. I looked at the wallet and cursed under my breath. I knew then that I should have held out for more. I knew that I could have gotten as much as I wanted from him and cursed myself for being stupid.
"I made a vow then that I would not do it for nothing like I was doing then. I would hold out for a better price. It seemed to me that it was just as easy to talk about one hundred as it was twenty.
"I learned about business then. I knew that I had agreed to the price and moved back. I rolled to my back and pushed my panties down my legs. He climbed out of the seat and moved into the sleeper above me. He pushed his trousers down and leaned against me. His penis was large and he inserted it without any trouble at all. He drove it back, then started humping, his breath hot against my face.
"I lay there and felt nothing at all. He could have done it to me all night and I would not have felt a thing. It seemed that I just didn't care about it. It seemed that the sex was nothing at all. I was lying there as though I was doing nothing at all to earn the twenty.
"Before long I was moist and he really started working. He hugged himself against me and started ramming harder. He kept telling me over and over how damn good it was, then grunted for the last time and showed me what pigs men were. I watched his face and it was as though I were watching a kid. He seemed to be in some other world. It seemed that he was like a kid in that moment. He was just like a giant kid.
"He came then and pulled back. He did up his trousers then pulled away from me. He slipped into the driver's seat again and rubbed his eyes. Then he grinned and started the engine. Calmly he pulled the big truck onto the road as though nothing on earth had happened between us.
"I sat there and looked at the twenty dollars and felt secure. I was no longer scared. I knew now I was going to make things work out for me."
We see with this girl the same process we were talking about. During her childhood she was convinced that she was ugly and did everything, set up every situation she became involved in to make sure that she came away from the situation being ugly. She said that she had climaxed during the times with Stella without even being touched, but it is my impression that what she was feeling was not a sexual climax as much as it was satisfaction in her sub-conscious mind seeing her at her worst. She felt relief when she saw herself acting, "like a pig" as she said. She saw satisfaction when she ran around with the boys and did everything that a tramp would do. In fact she was concerned about what her mother and father thought. She covered this up with resentment but was in fact reacting to what her mother had called her. She was then in fact becoming exactly what her mother wanted to have her become, even though she stated that she hated the woman was doing in effect just what her mother wanted her to do.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ANNETTE
It was some time after I had talked with Janet. I was talking with a friend of mine who worked with one of the publishers I knew and she seemed rather despondent about something.
Annette was in her early thirties. For the longest time I had known her and her husband. She had always seemed so calm usually that any ruffles in the image seemed rather bizarre to me.
We were having coffee in the outer office in the place where she worked then suddenly she spun about and leaned against the wall. I looked at her and she was weeping for no apparent reason at all.
I asked her what the trouble was and she begged off talking about it. She calmed herself and stepped out of the office.
That day I forgot about Annette while I continued with my own work. I went home and started working on a few things, trying to get things cleaned out of the way so I could do some thinking about a new book.
It was rather late in the evening when there was a knock on the door. I opened it and Annette was standing there.
She asked me if she could talk with me privately. She said that she had to talk with someone about things before she went out of her mind.
I asked her to enter and found out in the next few moments that she was driving herself crazy because of some affair she had gotten herself into. She thought then that her marriage, which had been happy before, was drawing to a close and didn't know what to do about it.
I asked her to talk as freely as she wanted and she begged me never to tell about things. I mentioned to her that I might use her story but would never use the right name or the real place where she was working. Then I told her about the work I had been doing, or the investigation I had been making about mixed emotions and she got interested in what I was saying.
Before long she mentioned that she wanted to talk the truth for once in her life.
A few seconds later she got on to the main problem she was having.
"All my life I never really got what I wanted. It seemed that no matter what I did things just didn't work out right. Then, when I married Joe, things started changing. He was the first person in my life that I really wanted and for the longest time, nearly six years after we had been married, I was tickled pink with him.
"When I was a girl I guess I had trouble accepting reality. I wore braces and it seemed that I was shy most of my life.
"I had one affair with a man when I was a girl. I was about eighteen and just had taken a job. It was my first job and the first time in my life I had been away from home.
"I was working there that afternoon when a man from the office came to me. He asked me out and I accepted. He took me to supper that evening then we parked near the ocean.
"That was the first time I had ever had a man. Before too long that evening I found myself undressed with him. He was showing me how to touch him and I was learning quickly.
"I touched him that evening, then he succeeded in taking me. I guess I really loved it. I was scared, but the presence of his penis inside me calmed me somewhat. I felt his eagerness and just went wild with him. I moved out of myself more with him than I had ever done with anyone else in my life.
"He was rather sensual and liked playing around. He was still hard and pulled his penis out of me. He turned then and slipped beside the seat. He started touching me and touched the back of my head. He asked me to do it with my lips and I took him like that.
"I decided then that this was what I wanted. It was strange but in that instant I knew that this was what I really wanted. I wanted someone to be with and figured that he was the only man I would ever find. I just thought of this and went wild then. It seemed I didn't care what I did and before long I was kneeling on the seat and he was behind me. He said he had a safe way of doing it and took me the other way, you know what I mean.
"I had some doubts about it that night when I got home, but when I went to bed these doubts disappeared. I figured that I had found what I really wanted and didn't much care about what we had done.
"Then the bomb fell the next day. I was having coffee in the rest area behind the main offices when one of the girls from the office came in. She asked me about what had happened, then we started talking. I mentioned that I had gone out with him and was in love with him. She asked me then if I knew that he was married.
"When I heard this I nearly flipped. I got up and ran out of the room. I went down the main aisle in the office and threw the door open to this man's office. I asked him then if what the girl had said was really true and he turned. He never said a word. He got up and turned to the window. When he did this I knew that what she said was true and turned away. I went out and gave my notice, then left the office the same day.
"I felt defiled then. It was funny, the night before I didn't care but that afternoon I felt miserable. I guess the misery kept up for the longest time. Every time I would think about what had happened to me that night I could not understand it or excuse myself. I hardly dated after that.
"This kept up for the longest time then I met Joe. I talked to him about things and they made no difference to him. When I realized this I stopped worrying about that affair and understood that the main concern I had had was what a man in the future would think about what I had done. When I saw Joe's reaction to what had happened, I didn't care one bit about it.
"Things were great then for the next few years. We got married and it was just like I wanted it to be. Then, for some stupid reason, I went back to work. I was married, happily, and before long I found myself involved with another man. I know it sounds crazy and to this day I don't understand it. He was working in the same office with me and we had lunch together several times during one week. Then one night he offered to give me a ride home when my car was out of commission and I accepted.
"As we were driving he placed his hand on my knee. My first reaction was to stop him. Then for some stupid reason I placed my hand over his and squeezed it.
"The second I did this the car was pulled off the road and he parked. He turned and cupped my face. He pulled me forward and his lips touched mine. His tongue rambled into my mouth and he was kissing me wilder than any man had ever kissed me in my life. I felt like a school girl then. It seemed that in that instant I felt as though things were happening to me that other women had had but I had never had. It seemed that for the first time in my life I felt exciting and attractive.
"As he kissed me, his hand went up my legs. He touched my panties and pushed aside the crotch. His fingers touched me lightly and before long he had two of them inside me, moving them about.
"I was growing hotter and moved away. I was about to say something about it when I noticed the expression on his face. He was sitting there and there was nothing but need in his eyes. I never saw a man who wanted anything as much as he wanted me in that instant.
I looked and just couldn't turn him away. I thought about the times I had felt rejected and couldn't for the life of me tell him no. I thought about the things that had happened throughout my life and felt warm toward him then.
"I touched his face, trying to make him feel less unsure of himself and instantly, like some child, he threw his arms about me and started moaning. He told me again and again that he needed me then rolled me back to the seat and pulled up my dress. I lay there and his hands went under me. He found my panties and pushed them down my legs. He then unzipped himself and placed his monstrous erection against me.
"I lay there and had a chance to think but things were fuzzy. His penis was against me and in an instant he would be inside me. All I could feel in that instant was the heat of his body. All I could feel was the intense hardness of him and wanted him. I reached down and touched his penis. I was going to push it away but then changed my mind and rubbed it against my clitoris. I felt the excitement running through me and there was no denying the fact that I wanted him. I then pushed his penis down and pressed it against my opening.
"He moaned and pushed forward. His largeness entered all the way and he pressed it completely inside. Instantly I went wild. I could smell the seats in the car and heard the wind outside. I could feel everything inside me glowing with need and my hips started working up and down. He groaned and his hands worked about my buttocks. He held me up and started slamming.
"I moved away then and slid from under him. I pushed him back to the seat and tore his clothes open. I ran my hands over his body and made him like everything. Then I started kissing him wildly. I went down his chest and stomach and did things to him that I had never done with Joey.
"Before long it was more of an orgy than anything else. He had me kneeling on the seat and was kneeling above me, behind me. His penis was moving into my anus one time, then my vagina the next. He was probing everywhere and his hands were inside my blouse. He was rolling my breasts and I was covered with sweat. I kept moaning and moaning and before long he turned me over again. He kept holding it out of me and before long I was jerking around as though I had not had anyone make love to me in years.
"Finally when he thrust it into me again I was like a whore. I lay there and twisted under him in every direction. I lost my mind and started stating that I loved him. The minute I said that everything changed. It was though someone threw a canvas over us. I could feel the trap moving down and was smothered by it.
"The man I was with pulled away. The expression on his face changed and he seemed to glow right there. Then he went after me wilder than he had ever been before. He crawled upon me and drove his penis inside me. He started rolling about like someone who had not had any sex in years.
"While he was drilling it slowly in and out I tried to talk to him. Can you imagine? I wanted him to understand that I had not meant what I was saying before. I wanted him to understand that it was just conversation, that I had lost my head.
"He kept doing it, then ejaculated against me like a mad man. He clawed me and pulled my shoulders.
"I lay there afterwards and it was as though I was drugged. He moved away and kissed the side of my face and I nearly gagged. I wondered why I had talked to him like that. I wondered why I had mentioned that. I sat up and felt worse than I had ever felt in my life. I looked at him then and knew that I didn't love him. I looked at his face and knew I could never love a man like that.
"He turned to me and touched my cheek. I started sobbing and begged him to take me home. He took me home that night but didn't let me out of the car until I promised him that I would see him again. At the time I was ready to do anything to get rid of him and said all right.
"When I went into the house I could hardly look Joe straight in the eye. I couldn't figure what had happened out there for the life of me. When Joey touched me that night I felt revulsion, actual revulsion. I had never reacted to him in that way before but felt terrible when he was touching me.
"Joey asked me what was wrong that night and I jumped out of bed. I ran into the front room and before I knew what was happening I was standing there having a drink, something I never did in my life. When Joey came out again I had settled myself. I told him that I had a headache and we went to bed. He respected me that night and we lay there without touching or making love like we usually did.
"I lay there and could not wipe out of my mind what had happened that night. I kept thinking about it and before long I wondered if I really loved this man or not. I wondered if I loved the one I had been with that night and started doubting everything.
"The next day I was still unsure of myself. When I went to the office and saw the one I had been with the night before I didn't know what I felt. I thought about what I had said and knew there was a reason for it. They say that there was a reason for everything that a person said, even though the reason might be clouded up and lost.
"That day he asked me to lunch and I begged off. I told him I had to think about some things and went to lunch myself. But a few moments later I managed to walk right into the place where he was eating and found myself sitting with him as though there was nothing else the matter in the whole world wide.
"That night it was just a repeat. I wanted to find out what I was doing and was trapped. I wanted to see if I loved him and knew if I went with him again he would be hooked. I wanted to leave him on the other hand but knew I would never be able to figure what happened if I did. Everything was muddled and before long I convinced myself that I had to do it with him again just to find out what I was thinking the last time I did it.
"We went to a motel that night and I couldn't respond. I lay there in bed and felt absolutely nothing at all for him. He did everything he had done the other time but there was no excitement at all. I knelt there that night and he was behind me again. He was giving it to me in the anus and I felt nothing. I guess I was more scared than anything else. I could not relax in the place where we had gone. It seemed that I could not get my mind off what my husband would think. But, as things worked out, I accomplished one problem and set up another in the process. I learned that I didn't really love this guy, but I hooked him completely to the point where he was slobbering over me and telling me about his plans for a divorce for me, etc.
"I lay there and said nothing that night. He made love to me again and I felt nothing this time either. I just lay there and before I knew it I was nearly falling asleep with him.
"The next day I tried to escape him, but it was no good. He followed me and sat with me during lunch. I tried to convince him that it was no good, but he said it was. He said that he wanted me again and I told him I didn't love him. I told him I wanted to get out but he said if I talked about it he would tell my husband.
"I'm trapped."
Annette learned later that she had reacted more to the car than to the man inside it. She had gone the whole route with the first man and hated herself when she realized that she had been a fool. The next time, when she was in the car, her image of herself changed and she was no longer the loving housewife but the ugly woman she thought herself to be the previous time. In that same instant, with the second affair, she told him she loved him; showing that she still harbored some doubt about her marriage and the prospects of keeping a man for the rest of her life. In other words, she started doubting her marriage long before she met the man at the office and her image of being a tramp in the car only helped her accomplish the situation which would further expand the doubt she had.
Again we see the mixed emotions. Instead of feeling sexual excitement alone, she wanted to feel love. Instead of feeling guilt she felt resentment towards the people in her life who had rejected her. She was, then, in effect, using sex as a tool not for the sexual pleasure that it could give her, but for the development of situations she wanted to see develop.
"Misemotion" is perhaps one of the great causes of confusion among people. People find themselves in situations and cannot understand why they got into them in the first place. Many people believe they are feeling sexual excitement or satisfaction when in the final analysis they are feeling some emotion completely divorced from sex.
