The first time I fucked my own father, it changed my whole life. I'd never had a cock in me before and then, when I finally learned all the wild, animal joys of completely abandoned sex, all the wonderful ways a male and a female can join their bodies to bring impossible thrills I'd never thought existed, I got so sex hungry I couldn't quit. I did it with my own father, and became a sex pervert; but I was hooked-I liked it and I couldn't stop. I had to have more and more of Daddy's cock in me all the time.
But it began long before that first fuck; it began right after my mother's death. Daddy had to sell the house because of medical bills, and we were forced to move to an apartment. Before that, I had been just another little girl-innocent and pure-but living in the apartment changed everything. I knew almost the moment we both walked in that there was a feeling of lust in the very air of the place. I knew I had to have sex-pure, raw animal sex-and I wanted it with my own daddy.
That move to the apartment was the beginning of our strange life together. We began a subtly different relationship right from the first day there.
There we were, a ten-year-old girl and her father, surrounded by all the impossible junk of twelve years' collection. Because we couldn't do anything else, we both sat on the floor and laughed out loud. We both seemed to feel the urge to laugh at exactly the same instant and , we kept it up for the longest time. The whole situation was absolutely hilarious and we couldn't help ourselves.
Finally, Daddy took a great big breath and still smiling, said, "Well, sweetheart, which would you rather do, sit here and stare at this mess, or go out on your first date? How's dinner and a movie sound?"
Of course, there was no choice. The dinner and movie were much more exciting than any sort of hard work. Although I was anxious to find my room and to put my things away, I knew that all that could wait until the next day. We had moved in on a Friday purposely, so that we could have two full days to put everything in place, and I certainly didn't want to exhaust myself doing it the first night.
Right from the moment I accepted my first "date," Daddy seemed to change from a tired man into a really romantic figure. He started to plan the evening, asking me what I would like, and as I placed a few things around the apartment, he went out to get a newspaper to find out what movies were playing and what restaurants were serving what.
We planned the whole thing together and he even helped me select a dress to wear. Then he told me that the following day he would let me try my hand at decorating the whole apartment.
There never had been any stigma to nudity in our family. We weren't nudists and we hadn't made a point of parading around the house without clothing on, but neither had we run around like prigs and prudes locking doors while we were dressing or doing other such Victorian things to call attention to nudity. I had often seen my mother dressing and Daddy coming out of the shower. I, in turn, had no idea of false or ridiculous modesty. I was taught to be decently dressed in the living room and at meals, regardless of the time of day. But I also knew that there was no shame in nakedness.
Maybe that's why, when we decided on the movie and found out the time, I asked if I could take a shower at the same time he did, so we would be able to eat our dinner without rushing.
by the time of our move, I still was not completely aware of the changes that must have been starting within my mind and body. A eleven, I was just experiencing the first rolling surges of sexual awareness and budding maturity and that evening in the shower, I shocked myself-these things all came to the fore in a way I had hardly expected and hardly knew hoe to explain.
While Daddy adjusted the flow and temperature of the water, I quickly slipped out of my dress and peeled off my panties, socks and shoes. He let me get into the shower while he stripped out of his clothing.
Up until that precise moment, I had never really noticed Daddy's body before. As I looked at him through new eyes, I saw that he was tall and thin, but thin in a way that most people would call wiry. Actually, he was magnificently built compared to most men his age-and for many a lot younger!
He had a little .hair on his chest, but wasn't really a hairy man. His forearms and face were sunburned, making him look as though those extremities had been painted. If I had had to describe his face, I doubt that I would have been able to. Before now, Daddy was just a tall man who sometimes looked older than his thirty years because of worry, and other times seemed almost like a teen-ager. His hair was a light blond and I suppose there must have been a little grey in it, but it was hard to spot because his hair was so light to begin with.
Until that moment when we were about to share our first shower, Daddy had been just plain Daddy-a familiar face and body that were his alone-but that was just Daddy. I had never given either his face or his body a second thought. They were merely part of that familiar fixture of a parent I had always known and never really seen. Daddy was someone I had always taken for granted, but had never really noticed.
But that evening, as I took the soap and started to rub myself with it, I was fascinated by his sexual parts. Even though I had seen them before it was as if I had never really seen them! I couldn't take my eyes off that soft, wet cushion of hair and the beautifully rounded tube that seemed to beckon my attention even though it was obviously completely relaxed.
And something about it excited me so much that I literally had to reach out and touch it-as if some force other than my own was compelling my hand toward my father's prick. Try as I would, I could not stop it from reaching out....
I think my father must have known what was in my mind. At least, I'm sure he saw my hand moving towards his private parts. Without sudden movement, or anger, or any sign of embarrassment, he simply turned around and asked me if I'd mind washing his back. That simple act brought me back to total consciousness, although I could never forget my recent and totally new vision of his rod.
I did wash his back, but while I scrubbed his firm flesh, I also rubbed soap on my own private parts.
That was all that happened in the shower. Yet, from that time on, I experienced terrible excitement and recurring thoughts of my father's prick. And that night, I couldn't get them out of my mind.
Without further incident of any kind, we both dressed and drove to the restaurant where Daddy was a perfect doll of a date. He ordered everything for me and treated me just like a perfect little lady-as if I really was his date and he were thinking of me as a romantic and mysterious woman of the world, instead of his own eleven-year-old daughter.
I felt as if I were in a dream world during the entire meal. Before dinner he ordered me a Shirley Temple and himself a Martini and clinked glasses with me, giving me a knowing wink as if we were sharing some great romantic secret. During the meal, he told me of the things he was studying in school.
He was studying architecture and told me about fantastic buildings in Rome and Milan; all about the tilting tower of Pisa. I allowed my mind to wander with these wonderful romantic thoughts, feeling giddy, half-believing that he was a handsome prince and we were dining at some gloriously old restaurant in Rome or Genoa.
Then, the romance was shattered by the memory of my vision of his penis in the shower. A different feeling soared through me as truly agonizing on one level as it was rapturously exciting on another.
The dinner was delicious, probably more due to my dreams and fancies and the candlelight than to the food itself. We finished just in time to get to the theatre for the first part of the movie.
I don't even remember what the movie was, but I do remember that I held Daddy's hand and in the romance of the silver screen, feeling his strong, protective fingers on mine, I was as much in love as any young girl of my age.
But I was shy, too. Even though I had been thinking of the memory of his penis, I was both ignorant and coy at the same time. Besides, I knew absolutely nothing about .sex except what little my mother had told me. I knew that babies came from seeds and were carried inside their mothers and I knew the names for the male and female sex organs. Maybe she had told me the whole story; but I don't think so. All I knew was that I was experiencing a feeling that was part loneliness and part childish desire for what was beyond my grasp.
I was half asleep when we came out of the movie-I don't remember Daddy carrying me out of the car and putting me to bed. The next morning I found that I was in his bed without my clothing on and that Daddy had slept cm a couch in the main room.
I knew something else when I woke up, too. I knew that I must have dreamed strange and supposedly forbidden thoughts-my pillow was pressed tightly between my legs, against my vagina, and I had succumbed to my first strange and compelling urge that morning! As I was waking from a half-sleep, I felt my own hand moving tenderly down my bare stomach and under the elastic band of my panties. I reached lower, unable to stop my movement and slipped one finger into my sexual parts, only to find that they were pleasantly hot and very, very wet.
I became a little frightened by my feeling of hot wetness and lifted the covers up so that I could inspect myself. All was in order and nothing seemed to look strange, so I lay on top of the pillow and kept my finger slowly moving against myself. Then, again, I saw the vision of Daddy's penis just as I had seen it in the shower the night before, and I had another uncontrollable urge to reach out and touch it.
The thought frightened me but I couldn't stop the movement of my finger-it felt too divinely good and I wanted to keep it up. I don't know how long I would have lain there that way, or even if I might have had my first orgasm by masturbating, but when I heard Daddy call me, I stopped. Feigning being awakened from a deep sleep, I called back, asking what he wanted.
Never shall I ever forget how handsome and happy Daddy looked as he walked into the room bearing a glass of orange juice for me.
"Came on, baby," he said. "We've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to let you decorate the apartment."
The prospect of decorating the apartment all by myself was so exciting that I fairly gulped the orange juice down in order to get started as soon as possible. But had I any idea just how big that "big day ahead of us" was to be, I think my reaction might have been entirely different.
CHAPTER TWO
All that day, Daddy was the kindest, most considerate man in the whole world-he really did let me decorate the apartment. But first, he fixed us both a big breakfast of bacon and eggs, and while we ate, we sat talking about my ideas for the place. He actually let me select my own room and what furniture I wanted to go where.
Then, after we had cleared the dishes, we started to work together. He would help me move the heavy pieces of furniture and I would experiment with colors and placement. I remember thinking at the time that it was almost like a honeymoon-I was a bride being allowed to decorate her own little cottage. Actually, the apartment wasn't little at all! It had a big living room and three bedrooms, one I selected for myself, one was for Daddy, and the other was for a combination den and library. We put a folding bed in there along with most of Daddy's books and the television set, so that it could be a room for either study or relaxation.
Even though the work was exciting and thrilling for me, it was also very exhausting. By noon both of us were ready to collapse mentally and physically in the cluttered main room. Daddy had brought all of the groceries and stuff from the house, including a six-pack of beer. He poured himself one and returned to the couch.
When I asked him if I could have some, he agreed, but insisted that I get my own glass. Now, I realize many people might think such an act scandalous in itself-and I can't deny that it didn't confine to the letter of the law-but I hardly think that one small glass of beer after a hard morning's work can in any way be labeled as contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Besides, ever since I was eight or so, I had been allowed to have a small glass of beer whenever Daddy did. I guess his theory was that if I was allowed the beverage, I would not sneak around, drinking behind my parents' back.
Anyway, there we sat-he with his big glass of beer and I with a very small one-completely exhausted, yet very, very happy with our new home and satisfied with the work we had done. As we sat there, we didn't talk much, but he did suggest that after we finished the drink, we might both go out on a little shopping spree after lunch.
This, of course, made the day even more exciting. I jumped up and went from room to room looking to see what I might like in the way of accessories; while Daddy remained in the living room with his beer.
When he had finished, he came into my room and found me standing with my .fists on my hips studying the two windows in the corner. He suggested that perhaps it might be easier if I measured them, and produced a pencil, paper and a tape measure, letting me go to work while he went into the bathroom to shave and get ready for our outing.
I don't know yet what it was about the sound of running water in the bathroom that excited me so, but it did. All the visions I'd had about our shower the night before seemed to crowd into my mind in a hopeless confusion so that my hands actually trembled. Then, when I heard the toilet flush and knew that Daddy must have been standing over it urinating, I became so overwhelmed, by my fantasies that I actually had to sit down for fear of collapsing. Finally I gathered enough command of myself to finish my measurements, going from one room to the next, finally coming to Daddy's room.
When I entered, I saw that he was in the process of taking off his clothes of the morning. He glanced at me, saying that we could leave as soon as we changed our clothes. With that, he peeled off his shirt and unbuckled the old pair of ragged pants he had been wearing to work in.
I just stood there, transfixed-compelled to look at his chest and underdrawers and the gentle outline of his sexual organ pressing against them.
"Come on, sweetheart," he told me. "Get into a dress and comb your hair and then we'll go."
I had been wearing an old pair of Levi's and a sweatshirt and I knew it wasn't any sort of outfit in which to go shopping. But, for some strange reason-for the first time in my life-I felt terribly embarrassed about changing in front of Daddy, Although I was fascinated by his partial display of nakedness, I didn't want to display myself in any way. Flustered and terribly excited, I sat down on the edge of the bed, feigning exhaustion, surreptitiously watching my father's private parts as he slipped into a clean shirt and trousers. When I finally went to the bathroom, I was overcome with something close to fear, and locked the door and proceeded to wash my face and comb my hair.
I don't know what I would have done if Daddy had still been in the bedroom when I returned, but he wasn't. I slipped out of my sweatshirt and Levi's, noticing that my undeveloped breasts were quite sore, and hurriedly put on a thin sleeveless dress. Then I combed my hair again and returned to the living room where Daddy was waiting. Hand in hand, we bounced downstairs and started off on our shopping spree.
First, we drove to a big shopping center comprised of several large department stores and had lunch. Then we spent several hours shopping for just the right curtains and shutters we wanted for the apartment.
It was almost dusk when we came back and unloaded all the packages in the front room. Daddy suggested that it might be relaxing if we went downstairs for a swim before he started to fix dinner.
I was tired and, even though still excited about getting the new apartment looking perfect, realized that we only had one more day of complete freedom. So I jumped at the idea. It was still quite light out and the idea of a cooling swim in a heated pool was just what the doctor ordered. Daddy told me to go on ahead, that he would be down in a little while after he had sorted some things; so I hurried and changed into my bathing suit. Grabbing a towel, I rushed down to the apartment house's pool.
I noticed that my bosom was still quite sore, but I thought it was something that would go away, and didn't think too much of it Plunging into the pool, I began to frolic like a dolphin in the crystal clear water. At first I didn't even notice that there was another girl in the pool at the other end and that her mother was lying in one of the chairs on the side taking in the last of the day's sun. But, little by little, we began to splash in the pool together, then we began to talk and become friendly. Her name was Jan Bradley, I learned, and she lived in one of the other apartments. She told me how they had just sold their house, too, and that her parents were divorced.
She was a little older than I-perhaps twelve or thirteen-and seemed to take a motherly interest in me right from the very first! Not only did she introduce me to her mother, who was a very attractive woman perhaps in her late twenties, but she even asked if I could come over to her apartment for dinner after the swim.
I told her that I would have to ask Daddy when he came down to the pool. Knowing that he would be there in only a few minutes, we both went back to splashing and playing in the water.
When Daddy finally came down to the pool, the first thing I noticed was that he was wearing a knit bathing suit with no support. Up until two days ago, I wouldn't have noticed it at all, but now I was aware of his body. I felt dreadfully embarrassed seeing him that way, because I had never noticed any other grown men look like that while swimming. He must have thought that he was dressed properly or just didn't know how prominent the outline of his private parts was. At any rate, he seemed perfectly at ease, while I remained very embarrassed until he dove into the water, covering himself from view. Only then did I regain enough control of myself to swim over to him and ask him if I could have dinner with Jan at her apartment that night.
At first he seemed doubtful, but when Jan told him her mother had agreed, he swam over to where Jan's mother was still sunning herself, talked for a few moments with her and finally agreed.
I didn't take much notice of what was going on between Daddy and Jan's mother, but they must have clicked right from the start. What I didn't find out until later was that they had arranged to go to our apartment while Jan and I ate alone at hers.
We couldn't have been at the pool for more than a half hour or so, and most of that time I spent playing and splashing with Jan while Daddy talked to her mother. Again, I felt a flush of embarrassment about his costume when he pulled himself out of the water and sat on the deck talking with her. It seemed to me that Everyone must be staring at his out-lined hot spot. I noticed Mrs. Bradley glance at Dad's crotch from time to time, but her expression was anything but one of embarrassment. I wondered how she could even think of looking like that without blushing.
Finally, Daddy called for me to get out of the pool and get dressed before going over to Jan's for dinner. He and Jan's mother were still talking when I returned a few minutes later, but as Jan and Mrs. Bradley and I walked off toward-their apartment, I noticed Daddy looking after us with a very strange smile on his face-it was a look I had never seen before.
Over at the Bradley's, Jan's mother fixed us both dinner and then, as We sat down to eat, left us alone while she changed out of her bathing suit. She came back wearing a pair of slacks and a starched blouse and told Jan that she would be back in a little while. We were to eat dinner, clean up the dishes, and after we were through, we could watch television if we liked. She told us that she was going over to my apartment for a while and that, if we got bored with the television, we could go over there.
Almost immediately after Mrs. Bradley had left, we started talking about boys and giggling about sex things. I was very excited about Jan-oh, I didn't have a crush on her or anything-but I was thrilled and excited. Being older than I, her body had already begun to fill out-she had already developed her breasts and they looked almost like those of a grown woman. I was thrilled that within a short time, mine would do the same and asked her if it had hurt because my bosom was still bothering me.
She told me that that was the first sign of growth and that I really ought to get my mother to buy me a brassiere so that I wouldn't rub my nipples against my blouse. When I explained that my mother was dead, Jan seemed surprised. Her only thought of family break-up involved divorce. She talked at length about that she wished her father would come back to her mother and here.
After swearing me to secrecy, Jan explained that it had all happened because of another talking about and told her so. She was very patient and explained that her Mom had caught her father "doing it" with another woman right in their house.
I, of course, didn't know what "doing it" meant, and asked her to explain.
"You know," she said, "making sex, right in the bedroom. Mom came in one day, and there was Daddy and this other woman."
"How do you know?" I asked.
"Oh, I know all about it," she told me. "I knew right from the beginning only I was sort of afraid to tell."
"I don't believe you!"
"Silly! It's true! I guess I knew right from the beginning when I cam home from school and Daddy was with her in the living room."
"Doesn't your father work?" I asked.
"Sure he works' but it's not the same. See, Mom's a secretary downtown and has to stay her office all the time. Daddy had a real estate office and he could off any time he liked. It always used to be funny because I would see him around the house at odd times of the day. I didn't think too much about it when he just happened to be there with this woman when I came home from school that first day."
"But how did you know they were 'doing it'?"
Oh? that. That's easy. I watched."
"You watched! You mean they let you watch them make sex and all?"
"No, silly. Nobody lets you do that."
"Well, then, how did you see?"
"Easy. I just knew they were going to do."
"You knew they were going to make sex, right there in the house?"
"Sure, and I just peeked through the crack in the door."
Throughout this entire conversation, I hung every word. I had just the vaguest idea of what she meant by "doing it" and "making sex", but I was trying hard to act just as sophisticated as I possibly could. Still, I knew nothing more than what my mother had told me long ago about seeds. I was desperately curious about the whole thing! Jan sensed this and finally told me the whole story.
Her father, it seems, had told her to go out and play for an hour or so. And she, sensing what was about to happen, had just pretended to leave. She had actually seen her father and the woman take off their clothes and make love on the bed!
"He got on top of her," she told me with great authority, "and he put his thing right inside her. At first, I thought he was hurting her-but he wasn't really. It was real exciting to watch and all, 'cause they looked like they were having a ball. He played with her up here and all around, then they just sort of did it, bounced around a lot, and lay still for a while. Finally they got dressed again."
"And they did that all the time?" I asked, wanting to hear more.
"Not all the time, silly, but enough. I must have watched them like that twenty times before Mom caught them. I was right outside the window the day she walked in on them. Boy, did she look shook! She just sort of stood there in the door for a minute, her face almost purple, and then walked out, slamming the door hard."
"She didn't scream or anything?"
"Nope. Nothing! And then the next day Daddy went away."
"Gee, and you never told your mom they were doing it like that?"
"Gosh, no! I was too scared. Besides, you know something? I wanted to watch them. You ever see your parents do it?"
I shook my head dejectedly.
"It's great. It sort of makes you feel goosie all over, seeing them all naked and the man's thing getting real long and standing out. It's kickie when you can see it like that."
I was really more appalled and shocked than anything else. Of course, no one had ever told me that sex was bad or wrong, but I didn't think it was quite right for Jan to spy on her father or to talk about it that way. But, at the same time, I was terribly excited too, and came right out and asked Jan if she'd ever let a boy do anything like that to her. She shook her head and told me she couldn't do that because her Mom had told her it would make her pregnant.
"Besides," she said, "I'm not even going steady yet. I've got plenty of time-I just started menstruating three months ago."
"Menstruating? What's that?" I asked.
"You know, your period."
"What period?"
"Boy," she said, "you really are a baby. Don't you know anything?"
"I guess not," I told her. "Nobody ever told me about all this before. My mom told me all about babies and all, but not about this sex stuff; I don't even know if you're telling the truth."
"Sure I am," Jan assured me. "You'll get your period one of these days, and when you do, you can get pregnant any time."
I was so impressed by Jan's knowledge of her own body and by the fact that she had actually seen two adults join in sexual congress that I kept asking the same questions again and again about what she had seen. I was most impressed by the fact that her father had had an erection. I was also impressed by her knowledge of menstruation and asked her question after question regarding what it was like and how she felt.
Gradually the conversation changed back to boys as we began to talk about boys generally and whether we would allow them to touch us if they wanted to and things like that. I was even naive enough to ask Jan about what boys wanted to touch.
"They all want to feel you here," she told me, touching her breasts. "They're all like that."
Something inside me made me blurt out that I thought she had a beautiful pair of breasts and I asked her right out if I could see them-I mean, without her blouse or bra on.
She looked at me in a funny way for a moment, then sort of smiled a smug, proud smile and said, "Sure, why not?"
Then, right in the living room of the apartment, she lifted up the halter of her two-piece bathing suit and there they were, sort of white but rosy with the cutest little nipples on them. I was almost green with envy because I didn't have hardly anything except a couple of sore bumps, and here was Jan with those beautiful round half-oranges.
I guess my pique must have showed, because I only looked at her for a minute before I said something like, "I'd better be going home now," and started to leave her apartment.
She snugged her halter back over her pretty breasts and, smiling as if she had something better than I did, said she'd walk me back over to my apartment. We hadn't even watched a bit of television, yet it was almost eight-thirty, and I was really tired after all the work and shopping I had done that day.
We walked across the lighted patio of the apartment house around the swimming pool and then climbed the outside stairs to my apartment. When I tried the door, I was rather surprised to find that it was locked. I went over to the window to call for Daddy, but before I could open my mouth, I heard Mrs. Bradley's voice say something that registered in my mind, probably only because of what Jan and I had just been talking about.
"It's much harder for a woman than a man," she was saying. "It seems the whole world's on the man's side and he can do anything he pleases. The poor female is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't."
Frankly, for a horrible moment, I thought Daddy and Mrs. Bradley were doing what Jan had seen her father and his woman friend do! Filled with a terrible feeling of disgust mixed with jealousy, I rapped on the window frantically, calling for my father to open the door.
Almost immediately it opened. I had half-expected to see him naked, at least half-naked, but was I surprised! He was wearing a clean shirt and a pair of slacks, and was holding a drink in his hands. Mrs. Bradley, completely calm and unruffled, was sitting on a chair in the living room-holding several of the packages we had purchased that day, their contents on the floor before hen Apparently, all Daddy and she had been doing was having a friendly drink and discussing life in general. I felt embarrassed and thoroughly ashamed, and something made me embrace Daddy and throw my body against him. I grabbed him in such a way that my private parts pressed against one of his thighs, and the feeling of him holding me that way-even though it was only for an instant-was one of tingling, exciting warmth.
As Jan came in, Daddy gently pulled me away and suggested we go into the den and watch television while he and Mrs. Bradley continued their talk.
Since the next day was Sunday, and I could sleep as late as I wanted to, Daddy apparently was not too concerned about my bedtime.
Jan and I had only watched part of a program when Jan's mother came in, announced that she was going since they had to get up early the next morning. Thanking Daddy for her drink, she and Jan left.
Daddy and I walked them to the door then returned to the den to sit in front of the television for a while.
But my mind wasn't on the TV show. It was racing with thoughts of all that Jan had told me that evening, consuming me with a strange embarrassment. I was jealous of Jan for being more physically mature than I, and jealous of her mother for sitting and talking to Daddy while I was away. I was curious, too, about menstruation and the sex that Jan had told me she had seen, but I was too self-conscious to come right out and ask Daddy about it.
Finally, though, I summoned all the courage I had and without looking at him, asked quickly, "What's menstruation?"
He turned to me with the strangest expression on his face. It was as though he knew what I was asking about but didn't know, all at the same time.
"What's what?" he said.
"Menstruation," I said again. "Jan says it's a period." I noticed that he wasn't embarrassed at all-only amused at my misuse of a term.
"It's a woman's way of building a new home for a child each month."
I, of course, wouldn't let it go at that and kept asking other questions to the point where he finally got up and turned the television off. He sat in the big chair and I on the folding bed. Sipping his drink, he quietly and calmly explained everything about sex and babies and the facts of life.
But where Mom had only touched on the highlights of the Subject, Daddy went into great detail, explaining the construction of the male and female body, the rudiments of sexual intercourse and the cycle of menstrual flow.
In no way did he deviate from the role of instructor even though the information he was giving me somehow filled me with a strange and wonderful excitement. Ever since Mom had died, I had been very close to Daddy and had learned to trust him as a friend.
As he spoke to me, my embarrassment seemed to ease away and I, too, became more relaxed. Perhaps too relaxed because I began pushing him to go into even greater detail about all the things he was telling me. Then I told him I was frightened at the thought of bleeding every month and that Jan had said it hurt, and that I was amazed that anything the size of a man's penis could fit inside an opening as small as a woman's vagina. With great understanding, he answered all my questions, honestly and well.
When the talk was over-if it really was over, since I still had hundreds of questions on my mind-I felt emotionally drained and completely exhausted. In a way, I felt like a little tiny girl again, as if I didn't really want to know about such things and wanted to remain completely innocent of all sexual knowledge. On the other hand, I was full of strange longings to know how it all worked and if the pleasure was really as thrilling as Daddy said it was.
Finally, I got off the folding bed and walked over to kiss Daddy good night. Then, like a little girl again, I snuggled up on his lap and put my face against his neck. He patted me on the shoulder and whispered, "Come on, pet, let's go to bed."
Wild visions flashed through my mind as he picked me up. I hoped-yes, literally hoped-that he was going to take me to his bed and let me sleep with him. Instead, he carried me into my room and placed me on my own bed. Whether it was perverse on my part, I do not know, but I feigned exhaustion more than I really had, laying on the bed, enjoying the wonderful tingling sensations that ran through me as Daddy unbuttoned my dress and slipped it off me. Then his gentle fingers reached under my knees, lifting them and sliding my legs under the covers of the bed. Finally, he gave me a soft good-night kiss on the forehead and whispering, "Sleep tight, pet," left the room.
But how could I sleep tight? I knew then that I wanted my own father physically and yet there was nothing I could do about it For a time, visions of his sexual organ flooded my mind along with other visions of what Jan had told me. With all the supposed maturity these visions might have shown, they were still the wishful dreams of a young girl-dreams that, at that time, I never even considered realizing.
I think there's a little perverse streak in all females, no matter how young they may be. To some extent, we are all plotters and planners and connivers. Even then, in the last few minutes before I fell into an exhausted sleep, I must have been entertaining some seductive plans involving my own father.
CHAPTER THREE
The truth is that I began to plot and to plot seductively as a woman. If, at the time, I had stopped to ask myself exactly what I was doing, I would not have been able to answer my own questions. Looking back I can finally face the fact that I literally seduced Daddy into a situation from which there could be only one exit!
The first thing I did really had nothing to do with Daddy at all. It was all part of the same growing interest in my own sexual maturity. I began more and more to change my clothes without bothering with my own privacy. I would come home from school and strip out of my clothing, standing for long minutes in front of my mirror without bothering to shut my bed room door. I would inspect my budding breasts, and watched for the slightest trace of hair around my sexual parts-always with the knowledge that Daddy was in the other room studying for his own school work.
Once, when I was standing there like that, Daddy came by and looked in. He saw me cupping the buttons of my breasts, remembering what Jan had told me about a bra, and stopped for a minute just outside my door, looking at me standing naked in front of the mirror. A slight frown crossed over his face as he asked me if anything was wrong.
"I hurt," I told him. "It's like I always hurt up here."
He walked into the room as I slowly dropped my hands to expose the two budding mounds of what would one day be my breasts. What a tingling thrill it was to stand naked before him that way and know that he was looking at my breasts! I was more excited than I had ever been, but he was calm and said that the following weekend he would go out with me and buy a bra.
Then, another time, I made it a point to enter the bathroom just as he was getting out of the shower. I stood for a long time openly staring at him before he noticed and turned away. But I think my association with Jan and Jan's mother is what really started me thinking. It was a result of that, coupled with the rapid changes of my own body and mind, that forced the issue. I guess I knew, but wouldn't admit, that almost from the first time they met, Daddy and Mrs. Bradley were attracted to one another. As I began to fill out and develop, Daddy and she started to go out from time to time. It seemed that they were always anxious to be together-and to have Jan and me together.
Often they would let us babysit one another when they went out. And it was one of these times when they thought we were away that I discovered-at least visually-what all the lectures had been about.
Jan was a very precocious girl who knew a lot more perhaps than she actually practiced but who, nonetheless, had taken it upon herself to educate me.
In the months that followed, she began to date and tell me all about her boyfriends and what they wanted to do with her. One, she said had tried to stick his tongue in her mouth, but she didn't like that. Two more had wanted to feel her breasts. She told me she had liked that, but that when one of them had tried to stick his finger inside her, it had hurt. She had slapped him and made a scene!
She also told me that she "knew" that Daddy and her mother were having an affair, thought it was really thrilling because maybe they would get married and then we would be sisters.
The idea of being real sisters was thrilling to me, of course. Jan knew a great many things and could teach me about life, but the idea of having Mrs. Bradley as a mother was something else. Oh, she was all right. I don't mean to say there was anything wrong with her. She was pretty and kind and nice to be around, but there was something about her that wasn't quite right. It was as if she was really thinking only of herself all the time and didn't really care about anyone else! I knew she liked Daddy and I didn't really mind that. But the thought of Daddy liking her-I mean, really was not very pleasant. I still thought about how wonderful my own real mom had been. I couldn't even imagine Mrs. Bradley taking her place. And when I thought of the possibility of her and Daddy kissing or anything else, I became furious!
It realty made me mad when I found out that they were doing even more than that! I found out one Saturday, when Jan and I went off to a matinee movie and found, after the long walk, that we had both already seen the show. I had just turned twelve and had really started to fill out, and was really taking an interest in boys. Instead of going straight home, we decided to fool around for a while and have a hamburger and Coke in a place next to the theater where we thought we might meet some new boys.
Those who were there were too shy to speak to us and neither Jan nor I could get up the courage to break the ice, either. So, feeling like failures, we wandered on home thinking that maybe we'd have a swim in the pool. We took a long time coming back, stopping here and there to window shop and even playing a round of miniature golf. About an hour after we left, we were back and while Jan went over to her apartment to get into her swim suit, I climbed the stairs to mine for the same reason.
The only thing I was thinking about when I reached the door was the pool and the water and how hot a day it was.
Taking no notice of the front door being slightly ajar-it was always kept unlocked because I didn't have a key-I dreamily strolled into the living room, padding across the thick, fuzzy carpeting in my bare feet, heading towards my bedroom. Just as I reached the hall, I decided to see if Daddy was in his room and, without giving the consequences the slightest thought, walked right in the door. Then I stopped dead as if hit by a thunderbolt. I don't think I could have got the scream that formed in my throat out if my very life had depended on it. The scene before me had me paralyzed.
Daddy was lying on his back in the bed without a shred of clothes on and Mrs. Bradley, also naked, was kneeling over him. Her sex parts were almost up against Daddy's mouth and her own mouth was sliding up and down the length of his erect penis!
I stood there watching the horrible scene for what seemed like hours-even though it couldn't have been more than a few seconds! Daddy was moaning and Mrs. Bradley was making little noises in her throat as she let her whole head slide up and down the length of Daddy's prick.
How can I describe my feelings? I was horrified and repelled-but I was attracted and fascinated, too. I wanted to scream, but couldn't. Finally, as if driven by an uncontrollable flood of conflicting emotions, I gasped and, grabbing the door, slammed it behind me as I rushed to my own bedroom and flung myself sobbing on my own bed.
I was aware of nothing except the horror that Daddy was doing something terrible with Mrs. Bradley. I felt terribly alone and left out. It was as if in some way the whole thing was a personal affront to me.
How long I remained sobbing on the bed, I don't know, but suddenly I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and knew that Daddy had come in.
"Go away!" I wailed. "I never want to see you again!"
He didn't leave. Instead, he sat down on the bed beside me still with one hand resting lightly on my shoulders and in a very calm voice asked me why I was so upset.
I was infuriated even more by his patronizing attitude.
"Why?" I screamed. "Why shouldn't I be? I come in and find you like that with her and then you quietly ask me why. I saw it, don't you understand? I saw what you and she were doing-what she was doing to you!"
He didn't say anything for a long while after that, and then I felt his hand leave my shoulder and felt his weight lift from the bed. I lay there for a moment, relieved that he had gone, and then a sudden panic filled me. I thought he had left the room and I didn't want him to go. I hated him at that moment, but I needed him too and I thought he had deserted me.
Suddenly, as I rolled over on the bed and sat up in a panic, wiping my wet eyes, I saw him sitting in a chair opposite me, wearing a bathrobe. His legs were crossed and he seemed quite relaxed although somewhat concerned. But his expression showed a little bit of humor, too.
My relief at seeing him there dissipated my anger, but the hurt remained because in my own adolescent mind, I believed that he had cheated on me-on purpose.
"I suppose she's still in there," I said, spitting out the words.
"No," he replied calmly. "She's gone."
Then I seemed to break down again. My tears were almost gone but I was still in a state of emotional shock. "Oh, Daddy," I sobbed, "how could you do such a nasty, dirty thing?"
"Nasty?" he said. "Kitten, there was nothing nasty about what you saw. You weren't supposed to see it, I know that, but we thought you were at the movies with Jan."
"But she had your ... your ... Well, it was in her mouth! I saw it. You can't lie to me. I know!"
Then he became angry, although not in the same way as I had been. His voice took on an edge to it that I had never heard before, but he still spoke slowly and quietly.
"Kitten," he said, "I'm a grown man and you're a little girl. I don't have to account to you for the things I do. You've seen something that perhaps you shouldn't. But you haven't seen anything dirty or nasty or wrong! Mrs. Bradley and I like each other, and when adults like each other, they can show it in many different ways."
Suddenly something I couldn't control came over me. Not realizing the implication of my words or what they would ultimately mean ... I blurted out-
"But you let her do it. You wouldn't let me ... you wouldn't even let me see you. You're supposed to like me best. Then while I'm gone, you let her do that!"
I had now gone too far-but too far to stop. I was acting like a jealous woman rather than a daughter and I had let my father know of my feelings. My own mouth dropped open in shock at my own words at the instant his did. He stared at me with an expression of disbelief.
"You don't know what you're saying," he said.
But I just couldn't seem to stop. "Yes, I do," I insisted, "I want you to show me, not some old bag like Mrs. Bradley!"
Daddy seemed at a complete loss for words. He got up and left the room, leaving me to sit there with my own thoughts. How long I remained there, I don't know, but finally Jan came in and asked why I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell her the truth even though she was my best friend.
She urged me to change into my swimsuit and I started to undress like a robot.
When she asked me what was wrong, I told her, "Nothing," and then she said that her mother was acting really peculiar, and had told her not to come over.
"I'm scared," she said. "Mom said we are going to move right away."
That stopped me. "She did?"
"Yes. I don't know why. She just said she had to get out, that she couldn't stand it any more. I just don't understand."
I loved Jan more than any friend I had ever had, but I was elated at this news because I hated her mother so much. A new purpose seemed to fill me and I quickly changed into my bathing suit and followed her to the pool.
I would hate to see Jan go, but I think I would have tried to kill Mrs. Bradley if I ever saw her again.
CHAPTER FOUR
The change that took place in the relationship between Daddy and me began then. It was a slow and gradual thing that no one could have foreseen! Before, we had been a widower and his adolescent daughter living a normal and respectable life. Now, because of my wild fantasies and childish dreams of romance, everything was to change.
Of course, I couldn't know exactly how Mrs. Bradley felt, but from some of the things that Jan told me over the next month, I formed some sort of an idea. I think she had entertained ideas of marrying Daddy but that she funda mentally didn't want the responsibility of a step-daughter. I also believe she considered my "interruption" a deliberate and premeditated act. She probably began to think that she would never have any privacy with Daddy or that I would hate her forever, after seeing what I had done.
What she said to Daddy before she moved, I don't know, but apparently they agreed not to see one another again.
I honestly don't think that Daddy minded, since I don't believe he had any really deep love for Mrs. Bradley. I'm sure he didn't entertain ideas of getting married again because he was very anxious to finish his work on his master's degree and then go on for his doctorate-and he had a strong sense of responsibility toward me.
As to my relationship with Daddy, before Mrs. Bradley and Jan left I had been the aggressor-acting out the role of the scheming seductress by going out of my way to display my naked blossoming body to Daddy. However, after my "competition" had moved away, a change in our relationship slowly began to take place. This change was so subtle that it was difficult to pin-point the exact moment when I stopped being the aggressor and Daddy took over without either of us ever being aware of what was happening.
After Jan and her mother had departed, Daddy began to spend more time with his books and papers than he ever had before. Sometimes he would even seem slightly despondent and quite irritable; although when he was snappish, he would always apologize and say some-thing about what had been bothering him that day.
Daddy didn't seek out any new female friends, and so we became much closer than we had ever been before. We would study together-and through this closeness I gained a great deal, attaining a level of mental maturity and open-mindedness far beyond my years. I was at all times aware of Daddy's lack of feminine companionship beyond mine. It thrilled me to know that we were living together, working together, studying together-growing closer by the day.
As the weeks went by, he introduced me to real scholarly investigation, as opposed to the memorization of mere facts and dates as taught in the school system. He taught me to reason and to question my reading materials and teachers' statements rather than taking them at face value. Daddy's philosophy was: Never blindly believe anything you read or hear, and only half of what you actually see yourself.
Even though our relationship tended to seem intellectual on the surface, it had become a strong emotional bond of friendship. He still treated me as a daughter-a female who had to be educated and taught-but he also showed me a great deal of affection in a physical way-affection that would have passed unnoticed if I had been a little girl but might have set tongues wagging since I was going on thirteen.
We were always open and free with one another and Daddy became the only true confidant that I could really trust. The so-called generation gap didn't exist with us. He seemed to understand the problems I faced and the way I thought, and everything he said seemed to make complete sense. I felt I could trust him completely with any secret and with any promise.
When I got my first period I got so excited that I called him into the bathroom to see my flow, hoping he would be as excited as I. He took it as a matter of course and told me he would have to go out for some napkins for me. When he came back, I was still so thrilled that I made him help me with the new belt and with the pad. This event brought us even closer.
We used to sit together on the couch in the evening just reading or listening to music. I suppose it was there that the subtleties of seduction first started.
One evening we were on the couch, sitting side by side, listening to a recording of Beethoven's Fifth Piano Concerto Daddy had just bought. We both were totally involved in the music. He had his arm over the top of the couch and I didn't even notice that his fingers had slipped down to my shoulder. I honestly don't believe he did, either.
Feeling warm and wonderful, I snuggled closer to Daddy and somehow his hand dropped so that his fingers were touching my right breast. And then, very gently, his hand was cupping it. Suddenly, gently, his fingers moved away and he reached over to the coffee table for a cigarette.
"Don't go away," I said. "That felt so good."
He cleared his throat, lit the cigarette and leaned back on the couch without looking at me.
"Please, Daddy," I said. "Touch me there again."
"Kitten-" he began, clearing his throat nervously.
"What's the matter, Daddy?"
He was obviously embarrassed. "Nothing," he said. "It's only that-"
"What?" I asked in all innocence.
He took a hard drag on his cigarette, held the inhaled smoke for a long time, then turned to me with a vary strange half-lost look on his face.
"You know," he said at length, "you look almost exactly like your mother. I guess I-"
Again I waited for him to finish. When he did speak again, his voice was tense and low; almost as if he had to force enough volume into it for me to hear him.
"Remember, kitten, a long time ago when you asked me about boys and menses ... ?"
A strange, unexplained thrill seemed to tingle through me for a second, as if I had been touched by some electrified particle of emotion that hit me for an instant, shivering through me. I nodded my head.
"Well, now you've grown to be such a big girl, I guess I just didn't think."
"About what, Daddy?"
"About ... touching you ... there...."
"I liked it, Daddy," I said. "Please touch me there again."
He didn't say anything after that, but I could see that he was fighting a losing battle within himself. He leaned back on the couch and, still holding the cigarette in his left hand, slipped his arm over my shoulders. Gently, but far more firmly this time, he cupped my right breast. I, in turn, snuggled closer to him and first let my head rest on his chest, then relaxed so that it slid into his lap. Under my right ear I could feel the surge of excitement pushing as his penis grew and throbbed against my cheek.
"Daddy?" I murmured.
"What, kitten?"
The music-strong and dynamic, and sensual beyond belief-was still flooding the room, filling it with an emotion so powerful that it colored every nerve of our feelings.
"Let me sleep in your bed tonight?"
"What?"
"Hold me like this," I said. "Let me sleep in the same bed with you."
He didn't answer for the longest time. I even thought for an instant that he hadn't heard me, but finally, after an agony of his silence and a lifetime of crashing emotion brought by the music, I heard him say, "All right, kitten. All right."
His words were something between a gasp and a sigh as if he were finally facing the fact that whatever fight he was making was hopelessly lost. But, with the loss of it, he seemed to suffer some intense relief.
We sat there listening to records until past ten o'clock. He holding my breast, I pressing against the hardness of his penis under his trousers until finally, after the last record ended, we both got up at the same time.
We brushed our teeth together and where he usually turned toward his room and I toward mine, this night I followed him into the big bedroom. I knew Daddy never slept in pajamas and lately, I had taken to the same practice. The shades in the room were drawn and he turned on the light at the head of the big bed.
Neither of us were in any way self-conscious about slipping out of our clothing. Daddy still had an erection as he stood naked. It frightened me somehow, particularly when he walked over to me, put his arms around me and embraced me standing before the mirror.
I could look into the glass as he did so, and see our naked bodies flattened together. I could feel the warmth of his body flattening my breasts and pressing against my stomach, the hard pressure of his turgid penis pulsating against my stomach.
Gently, he pulled away from our caress and, with one arm around my waist, led me to the bed where we both lay down. I was terribly excited and wanted him to touch me right away, but Daddy was not so overcome with desire that he would forget the tenderness a young girl needs. Gently, he assumed the role, not of a lover but more as an instructor and I, eager to learn-to thrill and be thrilled-became his student.
The light at the head of the bed was still on and, lying on my side, I could see the whole length of Daddy's slim, muscular body as he rec-lined on his back with the arched curve of his penis pointing up from its soft pillow of pubic hair.
Very slowly he explained how the penis worked and what was most exciting to a man. He showed me the foreskin and the head of his penis and then, with just the finger and thumb of his right hand, he showed me how to move the skin back and forth so that it caused a pleasant sensation.
I still hadn't touched him when he stopped and changed the subject to women. He explained the structure of my vagina to me and told me that sensation there lay in the clitoris as well as inside. Then he reached over and, with his left hand, gently caressed the tiny bit of pubic hair I had. I was terribly excited by this time and my cunt lips were very moist. He had no difficulty parting them slightly and extending his fingers so that one of them gently caressed my throbbing clitoris while the other probed slightly into my slit.
I lay there with my legs spread wide, letting the sensations of Daddy's fingers shoot through me like wonderful waves of shock. I can't even express how good it felt like that.
Then, I felt such burning excitement that I simply closed my eyes and floated in a pink pool of the most intense pleasure I had ever experienced!
I didn't hear all that he was saying, but I remember him mentioning that often women liked it when men used their mouths on them. The words jarred me to a turbulent consciousness and filled my mind with an image of Mrs. Bradley as she had been using her mouth on Daddy. I could feel the electrifying sensations caused by his fingers playing with my most delicate parts. I also had a wild desire to touch his prick again and even-yes-to put it in my mouth the way I had seen it done before.
As he played with me and talked, I tentatively reached out and with shy, somewhat self-conscious fingers touched his rod. Then, when I knew he was not going to withdraw, I clasped my hand around it and, just as he had taught me, moved the silken foreskin back and forth so that it and my hand caressed the head of his organ.
Bolder now, because of my own intense excitement and because I knew that I was exciting him too, I rolled over and, moving my head down, gently kissed the tip of his massive tool.
He let out a little sigh and fell to his back, letting his fingers slip out and away from my sexual area. I kissed the tip of his penis again, this time letting my mouth open slightly so that a tiny bit of the magnificent organ could touch the inside of my lips and rest against my teeth. Still shy, still waiting for any possible negative reaction, I continued this way a little tiny bit at a time, until I held the head of his organ in my mouth and could roll my lips over the foreskin. Then, clamping my lips tight on the skin, I pulled it toward me over the head.
Again Daddy groaned, but I knew he was not in pain-I was giving him pleasure! The very thought of it sent additional waves of sensation through me. Once or twice more, I pulled his foreskin over the head of his penis and let it slip back always while keeping the organ in my mouth. Then I heard Daddy say, "Oh!" as his organ started to twitch.
But then, he pulled his hips away from me and grasped the penis himself as his knees twitched and it seemed that he was having some sort of spasm. I knew he was having an orgasm and it filled me with intense pleasure that I had been the one responsible for it.
He held himself like that for several seconds before he got up and went into the bathroom. I could hear movement in there, then the sound of urinating and finally the flush of the toilet. Finally, he came back and lay beside me on the bed.
I felt cheated at not even being allowed to see his ejaculation. I had actually wanted to feel his coming in my mouth, so I felt doubly cheated.
Daddy lit a cigarette, and we lay there silently immersed in our own thoughts. Finally, feeling resentment at not having achieved the fulfillment I thought was due me, I came right out and asked Daddy if that was all there was to it. He turned to face me, staring for a moment, then put his cigarette out.
"Oh, kitten," he said, "I'm sorry. No, that's not all, not by a long shot ... But a man has to wait each time for a while until he is strong again."
"Oh," I said, not quite understanding.
"But don't worry," he said, as he rolled over on his elbow and gently placed two fingers against my urgent clitoris. "That won't be all. You lie back now." Without moving his fingers away, he reached over and snapped out the light.
The room was bathed in a warm silver grey from the moonlight shining in through the shutters. Although I couldn't actually see him, I could spot his outline in the semi-darkness and could sense his presence as his head bent down toward me and his face gently nestled in the silken fur between my legs.
When the tip of his tongue first touched me, all my doubts and worries disappeared. An ecstasy of sound and sensation and color shot through me, tingling every fiber of my being as he gently slipped his tongue into the opening of my vagina and caressed my clitoris.
Involuntarily I raised my knee so that my thigh pressed tight against his cheek. Placing both my hands against the top of his head, with trembling strength I pressed so that his head snuggled even closer to my fervent sexual organs.
An instant-an eternity-I shall never know! Sensations shot through me, burning here, freezing there, electrifying my body and my soul and soaring it on a somewhere-seacoast where it finally crashed in roaring breakers that would drown my entire being.
My orgasm was total. It seemed to rock the entire world and fill me and splash out from me so that I was no longer myself. I was everyone and no one and my entire being was being ripped apart by the softness, yet violence of the explosions.
I gasped and whispered, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," again and again as wave after wave of excruciating pleasure tore through me and, like ripples on a pond, spread out to a soft eternity.
Lying there, trying to catch my breath and collect my thought and emotions, I was overcome by the complete beauty of what had just happened to me. A tiny sob caught in my throat as I relived those precious moments Daddy and I had just shared. My virginal vagina was still deep in the throes of climactic tremors, my thighs still jerking almost imperceptibly, as I noticed that I was pulling Daddy's hair with both my hands. As I lay there quivering deliciously, I wondered if this ecstasy would ever cease.
Daddy had already removed his tongue from between my cunt lips, but his warm, comforting head remained between my legs. Letting go my tight grip on his hair, I smoothed and caressed his tousled head, dreamily wishing this moment would go on forever.
As Daddy righted himself, I snuggled into his arms, pressing my still-tingling body against him, trying to tell him through the pressure just how I felt. I was so happy with my new knowledge of physical pleasures, and knew that I owed it all to Daddy. There was no way for me to know what inner conflicts were battling within his mind; he had seduced me, and his guilt must have been unbearable. But, as I drifted off into the sleep of the innocent, I felt totally pleased with myself, secure in the knowledge that I had seduced Daddy.
At thirteen, it would have been almost impossible for me to understand that Daddy should never have allowed things to reach the point of no return. Had he side-stepped ray normal teenaged advances, I would not have been there, nestled in his amorous arms, relaxing from an orgasm he had produced for me orally. Little did I realize that although Daddy had not raped me physically, he had raped me mentally, as surely as if he had torn the clothes from me and plunged his penis inside me.
As a result of that first traumatically delightful experience, I became totally infatuated with oral sex-both passively and aggressively-as well as completely fascinated by Daddy's penis. My world became a purely sexual one in which my primary desires were to touch Daddy's member and have him touch me ... often to the point of indiscretion.
More than anything in the world, I wanted to have his beautiful prick inside my yearning vagina. I knew I had to have it there, and Daddy knew it, too. He had over-stepped the bounds, and there was no turning back for either of us ... nor did we want to.
CHAPTER FIVE
After that initial episode, we slept together every night and those who say Daddy taught me to be a nymphomaniac or that he was some sort of depraved sexual monster are all wrong. I was thirteen and my body was completely developed and rounded as a woman's should be. Because my sexual urge had not yet arrived at its peak and Daddy's was on the decline, we were ideally mated and we seemed to know it instinctively.
Since Daddy only worked part time and then attended a few classes, he was usually home when I arrived from school and we experienced sex when and where we wanted, although not, under any circumstances, outside the apartment. He was quite definite when he instructed me that our true relationship must never be known to outsiders.
For the first three nights following that first evening, the only activity we shared was oral sex. And we even did it "sixty-nine." To say that Daddy taught me this would not be completely true since, even though Daddy was the one to first suggest it, I already knew what to do-I merely copied the position I had seen Mrs. Bradley take some months before. I was proud of the fact that now it was I who was on top of Daddy-not her!
But then, one afternoon, when we were both getting ready to take a swim in the pool, Daddy told me that he wanted to explain to me in detail all about sexual intercourse-or fucking. I'm sure that his reason for wanting to instruct me was that we were both standing there, stark naked, having stripped out of our street clothes in preparation for our swim. Every time Daddy saw me without my clothes on, something seemed to happen, and this time was to be no exception-for which I was very pleased.
Without a word, I eagerly skipped to the bed and lay down on it. He told me that he wanted to show me the way most people have their sexual relations. He asked me to spread my legs wide apart and, kneeling between them, he touched the opening of my vagina, first with his fingers and then, as it became hard and erect, with his prick.
I watched as Daddy moved his penis back and forth slightly, letting it come forward and touch me, then pulling it back as he moved his hips backward. Each time he moved like that, he would look closely at my vagina and occasionally touch it with his hands to see just how far his tool was penetrating. He told me that he would only put the head inside because he didn't want to hurt me or break my hymen.
He asked me if what he was doing felt good and I gasped, "Yes," several times, although I wanted him to put more of himself into me. I was burning with desire and almost out of control with this new form of pleasure he was giving me, but it was not enough. I wanted all of him inside me, not just the very head of his penis.
Yet he refused to go any further. We were both breathing heavily and I could feel a difference in his movements just before he pulled away entirely and grabbed the end of his organ the way he had the first time I had put it in my mouth. I was furious at him, but silently so. I waited for him to return from the bathroom before I asked him why he had done such a nasty thing to me.
"I just didn't want to hurt you, kitten," he told me. "I can't get you pregnant. We don't want that!"
My reaction to his statement included pique and hurt and a desire to get even with him for denying me the pleasure I thought should be rightfully mine. I wanted to get back at him. Even if I had tried, I couldn't have done anything about it because I got my period the following day and knew it would be four more days before Daddy would even gratify me orally again.
But then something happened. I noticed when I first started to flow that I was low on napkins and had to get some more, but this time when I went to the store I decided to get tampons instead. I knew why Daddy hadn't entered me although I couldn't quite understand it-not then, anyway.
He was the guilty one, not I, and I sensed that he might be afraid of the evidence left if my hymen were ruptured by him. Because I knew that he still wanted me and that I wanted him-all the way-I determined to rupture my own maidenhead any way I could. The tampons seemed like the easiest way and surely a practical one, too.
But something else happened which gave me a double idea. While I was in the store, I met Sally, one of my girl friends from school who was also shopping there. She was with a girl I didn't know too well-one who lived in our neighborhood but who went to another school because of her religion.
It seems that each of us had gone to the store for some purchase of our own, instead of family groceries, and because we were friendly, we all stayed together as the purchases were made. After we had left the store, the girl from the other school, Eileen, asked us if we wanted to come over to her house for the afternoon. She said she had found some really wild books in her brother's room after he had been drafted and it would be fun to look at them together.
We didn't have anything else to do, so Sally and I followed her to her house. Once she was satisfied that her mother wasn't home, she proceeded-with a lot of hushhush theatrics-to dig under the mattress on her bed and bring out several cheaply printed comic books.
They weren't ordinary comic books by any means. She said her brother must have bought them in Mexico, that he certainly couldn't have found anything like them here in the United States, They had the usual, well-known comic characters, but they were out and out pornography showing the Lone Ranger as Tonto's homosexual lover and Superman with a super penis.
Frankly, when I first looked at Eileen's books, I was genuinely shocked. Even though Daddy and I had already experienced several mutual acts of oral sexual expression, it had been a beautiful secret with me.
Sex was something tender and emotionally rewarding, as far as I could understand, but these books painted it as lurid and spontaneous. At the same time, there was something of a terrible beauty about it all. I was fascinated by the drawings and by the words like "fuck" and "cunt" and "prick" written so openly on the worn paper.
But my reaction, at least outwardly, had been somewhat priggish. Both Sally and Eileen admonished me, saying they knew very well that I couldn't be that much of an "old stick-in-the-mud." After all, they said, I was a girl just like they were and I must have felt hot and antsy thinking about boys and wondering what they looked like when they had their pants off.
"You know something," Eileen said, "I even saw my brother doing it to himself once. He was lying on the bed and he didn't know I was home. I just peeked in the door and saw him."
"Really!" Sally almost screamed. "What's it like? I mean, how did he do it and all?"
"Oh," Eileen gave us both a very wise look. "It gets real big and long and it sort of stands straight up only it doesn't, not really. It sort of curves a little. And he just sort of played with it for a while. Then he took it in one hand and started to move it up and down. He just did that for a while, then he shot his stuff all over. It was wild!"
Sally giggled and seemed to be having trouble controlling herself for a moment until Eileen said, "Then he looked up and saw me standing at the door. He came right over and told me I'd better not tell Mom about it if I knew what was good for me. Gosh, I wouldn't have told on him. I wanted to ask him to let me see him do it again, but I was too scared. He was real mad. But it sure was exciting."
Sally giggled again. "I'll bet you wanted him to do it to you," she said.
"That's not true! I didn't either," Eileen retorted, "I just ... Oh, you wouldn't understand anyway."
All this time, I stood listening to them, dying to tell them that I knew more than they did, but knowing that I mustn't say a word about Daddy and me. I stood there, listening to them with half an ear and watching them with one eye.
I was also leafing through the books that Eileen had and beginning to feel a strange internal sensation as I gazed at the pictures. I can't really say that I was sexually stimulated by the books or their illustrations. But I couldn't help being aware of sex, particularly when Sally and and Eileen began talking more and more directly about sex and boys.
Sally was saying that she had heard a story of Eileen masturbating a boy on a date.
"Sure," Eileen admitted. "I do that if I like them. What's wrong with it? I'm still a virgin, and that's all that matters. Besides, what do you know? I'll bet if you got one of them in your hand, you'd do the same thing yourself."
"I would not?" Sally insisted, her voice lacking the conviction it should have had.
But where Eileen was a doer with only one taboo, Sally was only tabooed by her own shyness, not by society or religion.
I tried to avoid being caught between the two girls because I was afraid I might feel proud enough to tell them that I had not only masturbated a full-grown man but had also sucked his prick!
As the two girls argued, with Sally wondering how Eileen would ever be good with her husband if she was a virgin, I remained apart still staring at the books. Actually, I didn't pay too much attention to what they were saying because I knew I had to change my napkin. I told Eileen my problem and she showed me the bathroom. I went in, unwrapped my package of tampons and, with only a casual look at the directions, attempted to put one inside me.
Since I really didn't know that much about my own anatomy even then, I didn't realize how difficult a hymen could be, and I just couldn't get the tampon in until I forced it. It hurt, but not badly. I think that I might have ruptured my maidenhead slightly, but not all the way.
Finally, when it was done, I came out to Eileen's room to hear her say, "Is that so? Well, smarty, I'll just show you something. I've got another book that shows everything anybody needs to know!" With that, she walked over to the closet, rummaged around inside for a moment and came back with a small book which was showed to both of us. It looked like a serious book but was full of pictures of a man and a woman in all sorts of positions showing sexual intercourse.
We all looked at the pictures together, and Sally had to admit that, even if a girl was a virgin, she could learn a lot just from looking at the pictures. I didn't say anything. I just stared at the pictures and let one etch itself in my mind. In it, the man was lying on his back and the woman was sitting on top of him, straddling him. I realized that, in such a position, the woman could control the depth of penetration entirely.
After we had all looked at the book, Eileen put it away because her mother would be home pretty soon. Sally and I left.
On the walk home, before we parted, she confessed to me that she was very sexually excited and wished she was not so shy because she was really dying to have sex with some boy.
"Sometimes I just don't know what to do about it. I mean, I hear about how great it is and then I just sort of get all antsy when a boy even wants to kiss me. It's terrible."
I felt like telling her about Daddy and me, but I knew better. Instead, I asked her what she did when she felt like that.
"Oh," she said, "you know."
"No, what?"
"You know," she said again. "I ... well ... I play with it...."
We walked on in silence for a while before, with a streak of boldness I never knew she had, Sally began to confess her masturbation practices to me. I was so interested in what she was saying that I walked along with her, not realizing that I hadn't taken the turn to my apartment house. But it was still not that late, so I followed her to her house where she continued her confession while I listened avidly.
In her room, she showed me her "thing." It was the end of a broom handle that she said she would put inside herself, working it back and forth until she felt really good.
I must have been the world's best listener, because she even sat down on her bed, slipped out of her panties and said she would show me how. She spread her legs apart and played with the moist pink folds of her vagina with her fingers, brushing her clitoris gently. Then lying on her back with her knees up, she took the broom handle and slowly let it slip all the way inside her! It was only about a foot long, but half of it sunk into her all the way. She was looking at me all the time she was doing it to herself, breathing very heavily and telling me how good it felt.
Then, after several moments of pushing and pulling on the piece of wood, she said, "Now, I'm going to come off and that's the best part. I can feel it about to ... oh, yes ... it's so good...."
She gave a little gasp and tried to push the handle into herself even farther. Suddenly she seemed to collapse as she let her legs drop and, still with the handle in her, lay on the bed breathing very heavily, a dreamy smile kind of playing across her lips.
After she had recovered, she asked me if I wanted to try it myself. But I told her I couldn't since I was menstruating. Besides that, I was afraid it would break my hymen and hurt a lot.
"Silly, it doesn't hurt when you break it. Oh, maybe it hurts a little, I guess, but all the rest is so good, you hardly notice it. You sure you don't want to try?"
I shook my head and told her I'd better get home. She seemed really disappointed because she wanted to share her masturbation with someone who was a friend, someone to be trusted.
As I started to leave, she slipped into her panties again and just as I got to the door of her room, she asked hesitantly, "You won't tell anyone, will you? I mean, about this and all?"
"No," I said. "I won't tell. You should know that!"
She saw me to the door and I started home just as her mother and father drove up and parked in the driveway. I waved to them as if nothing had happened and headed for the apartment. But my thoughts were far from being as casual as my actions and I knew I had been through a rather unique day. I still had visions of the pictures in the books before me.
Watching Sally with her slim rounded legs bent and her tiny but firm breasts pressing against her bodice as she masturbated herself with part of a broom handle had been very exciting for me, too. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind and I knew I wanted to see her do it again. But I had been terribly embarrassed about my period and thought that my flow might have been offensive to her.
Now I wandered home with thoughts on my mind that I couldn't even express to Daddy, my most trusted friend and confidant.
That night, we ate dinner quietly, as if nothing was wrong and I even reached over the table a couple of times to hold his hand and feel his gentle fingers squeeze mine. As we were clearing the dishes, he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie that night and I said yes. We looked through the evening paper and decided on a show we liked at a nearby drive-in and decided to go there after the dishes were done.
We arrived just before showtime and made ourselves comfortable. As the cartoons started, I slid over on the seat, put my head against Daddy's shoulder and the palm of my hands on his right thigh.
Actually, I was just thinking of being close to him-nothing more. But closeness itself can be a drug. As the show continued, the sky got really dark and the feeling of tight isolation in the car became more apparent, and the closeness itself changed into an overwhelming desire to touch and be touched. The pictures I had seen that afternoon and Sally's masturbation had really stimulated me.
Still with my head on Daddy's shoulder, I let my hand move slightly over his thigh. At first, I just caressed his thigh as I watched the movie. Then, feeling bolder and knowing now that he wouldn't stop me, I let my fingers move to his lap and gently slide half way between his legs so that I could feel his penis under them.
I was not surprised that it was already hard. Ever so gently, I increased the pressure of my fingers on it giving it a lover's squeeze.
"Don't, kitten," he whispered.
"Why, Daddy?"
"Not here, kitten. People will see us."
"They can't see into the car. It's already very dark outside," I said as my fingers began to inch up the length of his fly until I found the top of the zipper of his pants.
He mumbled something else, but I did not hear it and his protestations were not strong. Very slowly, I inched the zipper of Daddy's fly down and reached inside until my fingertips touched the hard, silken length of his penis. Then, still very slowly, I inched my fingers around it and drew it forth so that it was standing up in his lap like a small puppet for me to play with.
I was fascinated by the look of it and the hardness of it. With my head still on Daddy's shoulder, I touched it slightly as I watched my hand moving. Then, allowing my fingers to encircle it and my hand to squeeze the loose skin slightly and pull it all the way down, I held it there for a moment, then inched my hand up, stopping again as Daddy let out a sigh.
"Oh, kitten," he said. "That feels so good!"
"Do you really like it?" I asked.
"Yes, kitten...."
Again, I let my hand slide the length of his erect organ as I myself experienced a trembling of fantastic pleasure at what I was doing. We were both aware of the movie flashing on the screen in front of us as well as the sexual act we were performing. Though he might still have been suffering under some socially implanted guilt feelings, I could sense that they were falling away from him with every slight movement of my hand.
I continued very slowly to move my fingers up and down the length of his penis until he whispered again, "Don't, kitten. I'll come...."
"But I want you to, Daddy. I want to see you come," I said.
He tried to pull away from me then, but I held tighter and moved my hand faster up and down, watching his organ all the time until its love fluid jumped out of the end, seemed to hang suspended for a moment over his lap and then fell in a scalding warmth over my fingers and knuckles.
We sat there just like that for a while without speaking, and then he broke the silence. Taking a handkerchief from his coat pocket, he wiped away the telltale signs of his orgasm and said, "We mustn't do this any more, kitten. We've got to stop this sort of thing!"
"Why, Daddy?" I asked. "Didn't you like what I did to you?"
"Yes, but ... well, it's not right."
"Why?" I asked again.
"Well," he said, "a father and his daughter are not supposed to ... to play like this!"
Again I asked him why, this time adding that I liked what I was doing, that it gave me a funny, wonderful feeling to touch him like that.
He then began to explain the horrible incest taboo in all its ramifications, why something like this could ruin a family and cause terrible problems for the people who did it. He told me that he was more guilty than I. That if anyone knew of what we had done, he might even go to jail.
I listened and, even then, understood it all. But I had my arguments, too. Apparently my logic, coupled with Daddy's own desire for me which he could no longer deny, began to shatter his feelings of guilt. How could something like this, I asked him, ruin a family when we two were the only members of the family? How could anyone judge us if they didn't know about us? How could anything so beautiful and thrilling ever be wrong?
He did try to answer my questions, but his replies lacked conviction and the conversation rambled and then stopped. Finally, we both turned to watch the movie, my hand still on his penis and now, his arm around my shoulders.
That night, as we had for some time, we slept in the same bed, both naked, both snuggled tight to one another. Even if I couldn't have expressed it so well at the time, I'm sure that I knew then that we were no longer merely a father and his daughter. Even though we had not yet experienced the full challenge and reward of sexual intercourse, we had become a middle-aged man and his teen-aged mistress. We were lovers and our feelings for one another were completely sincere.
I was totally and completely in love. My love for Daddy was a mixture of a teen-aged girl's first crush and a woman's feelings of mature affection; a love of tenderness and consideration, but one of strange and consuming desire-desire that would grow even greater as Daddy's feelings of guilt began to vanish completely.
But before they were to disappear like morning mist under a noon sun, there was still a final act that had to be performed-the complete union that could only be possible once my hymen was ruptured. After that, our relationship could be nothing but total commitment, or hopeless failure.
CHAPTER SIX
The exact moment of the ultimate change in our association came the night of the day my period ended. It was a week night, and I still had almost a month of school left before vacation time.
Daddy and I had been in the habit of showering together every morning or evening, and I began experiencing an increased sexual urge, perhaps as a result of abstinence during my "time" of increasing maturity.
This night, in the bathroom, I mentioned to Daddy that my flow had stopped and he explained how I must douche to make sure my internal areas were absolutely clean. This he said could be done by thorough washing, but the best way would be to use a douching syringe.
After I had cleaned myself thoroughly as he directed, we both went to bed. Almost instantly, I was thrilled to have his arms go around me and to feel his mouth gently kissing my ears and neck as his fingers ran tingles of fire through my breasts and along my stomach. I responded to his caresses by kissing him back and by stroking his erect organ. After playing with my vagina for some moments, he slipped down in the bed and began to lick me there.
The pleasure was so intense, I almost forgot about the plan I had conceived as a result of my meeting with Eileen and Sally. But I became so wild with searing pleasure that I allowed him to do it to me until I could no longer keep myself under control and spasmed into a deliciously swelling orgasm.
I was only completed a moment before another swell of desire seemed to expand within me. I reached over in the bed and caressed Daddy's penis with my hand, then gently pushed him so that he rolled over onto his back.
"Let me do you, too," I whispered. "I like to taste you."
He relaxed and I started kissing the tip of his erect penis. The lights were out and we could barely see one another, which played right into my plan. Kneeling between his legs, I bent my head down to him until I was in such a position that with the slightest possible movement I would be able to straddle him quickly.
Just before I made my move, my mind was clouded over with doubts, but my desire and love soon cleared them away. My only fear was that he might pull away from me before I had completed my plan.
Gently, I substituted my vaginal lips for my mouth, placing Daddy's penis ever so lightly against my hole. A surge of joy raced through me as I realized that Daddy was not aware of the difference.
With all my strength, I sat down hard-plunging his beautiful erection deep within me. A sharp ripping sensation shot through me as my hymen ruptured ... then the full hardness of his penis filled me with the passionate love I had wanted so badly.
Daddy gasped, "No, kitten ... no...." But it was much too late for protests.
He was inside me and we were both slaves to our intertwined emotions. It felt beautiful as I moved up and down on him, pressing his organ against the tenderness of my newly opened vagina. I knew that he was moving with me underneath. But then he gave a surge of muscle strength and, still inside me, rolled so that I was on my back and he was on top of me.
His hands went under my buttocks and my legs twined around his back so that the heels of my feet played a tattoo on his naked back. His lips found mine and the huge, wonderful pressure of him inside me tore me and thrilled me so that I felt I must be going insane with the pleasure of it.
I must have screamed in my intense pleasure! I felt one hand move from under me and gently cup itself over my mouth as the piston-like movement seemed to increase to a point where I knew I could no longer stand it.
I remember yelling into the hand covering my mouth, "Come in me! Come off in me!"
And then it happened. My entire body and soul seemed to explode at the same time and shatter throughout all of the universe and all of time. I was there, but I was not there. I was floating in space and rolling in a hot surf and writhing to get even more of his penis in me.
He shuddered, too, and his legs moved as if he were trying to sink the whole of his body inside me-and I wanted him to. I wanted to devour the whole of him inside me and have all of him fill me.
We had both come together and for hours, it seems, writhed with the intensity of it until we were both drained of every shred of sensation any two people could be capable of.
We lay exhausted, both staring at the dim ceiling above us, without speaking. But words were no longer necessary and the soft in and out swell of our breathing filled the room with a warmth and tenderness that any words could have destroyed.
Gently, I moved my hand so that I could touch his penis again. It was not a movement of desire for I was drained c f longing. I just wanted to touch the part of him that had given me such total physical and emotional pleasure.
It was almost soft and very wet with the lubrication that had so recently welcomed it inside me. I let my fingers slide over the moist length of it and, quietly played with him that way, until he rolled over to get and light a cigarette.
Once he had done that, he turned to me and said, "Kitten, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
"I love you, too, Daddy," I said. "That was so good. I never knew anything could be that good."
"Yes, kitten," he said. "Yes...." he took a long drag on the cigarette and seemed to be thinking about how he was going to phmse his next remark. Finally, he said, "Kitten, you know, you can't become pregnant. It would be terrible. I mean, you're not going to tonight probably because you just stopped your period, but you never know."
He went on to tell me of various ways of contraception, and we agreed that the Pill would be the easiest for me because that way our flesh could still enjoy all the added pleasure of direct contact while in the throes of passion.
We were still talking about this long after he had finished his cigarette. Perhaps even a dispassionate discussion like that was enough in itself to make the desire well within me a third time. I reached again for his prick, still soft, lying like a dead soldier on his pillow of wiry pubic hair.
"Let's do it again, Daddy," I said; "and make it last all night."
"It only works once, kitten," he whispered and gave a soft, embarrassed laugh.
But I continued to stroke him with my fingers and felt a slow, slight growth. I turned in the bed and slid down so that I was lying on my stomach with my head in his lap. Our bodies formed a T as I took his soft organ in my mouth. Again he gasped in pleasure as his right arm reached around and I felt the gentle excitement and added lubrication as two of his fingers slipped into me, moving back and forth against my fuck-button.
As I savored the taste of both of our fluids on his penis and ran my tongue over the length of it, I could feel it swell in my mouth. I massaged his scrotum and testicles with one hand and massaged the foreskin with the other as I constantly worked my lips and tongue over the organ.
And then, when it was hard, I again moved so that I could straddle him. This time, there was no barrier within me to impede his entrance and no barrier of conscience within him, for they had both shattered with the pleasure we had just shared. Besides, as he told me later, he had not been able to get a second erection in years and the thrill of it seemed to increase with his own desires even more.
This time, he lay on his back and I alone moved so that I was in control of every bit of ecstasy that shot through me. I prolonged it until he told me that he could control himself no longer. Then, with a twisting jerk, I sat hard on him, leaned forward so that my breasts touched his chest and we both experienced orgasm simultaneously. We lay there for some time and finally went to sleep entwined in each other's arms.
The next thing I knew, I was awakened by the clattering rudeness of an uncaring alarm clock summoning me to face the day and school. I showered and dressed in a dream and when I first saw Daddy in the kitchen, I threw my arms around him and kissed him passionately.
"Oh, Daddy, Daddy," I cried, "I love you so much. You're so wonderful."
We ate a normal breakfast, spoke of the usual things and didn't discuss the happenings of the previous night-not through guilt or shame, but because words were no longer necessary. We knew that the relationship was forever changed and I think we both were a little bit thrilled at the emotional and physical pleasure I had known and was yet to know, but I was also frightened of the responsibility I would have to face. I had become Daddy's wife instead of his daughter. I had grown up in the surging instant of an orgasm, and at thirteen years of age, I had to face the fact that I was a woman!
CHAPTER SEVEN
Almost everything I have read about the "horrors of incest" has gone into length about how ruinous such practices can be to the participants. But what they have failed to mention is the cause and effects, and the pattern that applies to incest as well as to every other aspect of human behavior.
Guilt, of course, is responsible for many traumas whether that guilt is centered on incestuous behavior or not. Also, hatred is a strong part of sexual behavior, which is responsible for later behavioral defects or mental disorders.
What the authorities on incest don't seem to realize is that acts of this sort can be centered on a kind of love and genuine affection that is found nowhere else. Surely, if Daddy had raped me against my will, or if my mother had instilled in me a fear of sex or an aversion for it, things might have been different.
Granted, if Mom had lived, incest would never have taken place. But she didn't live; I don't have my brain filled with moral doubts about right and wrong. I loved my father as a father and as a man-a member of the opposite sex. What we did was pleasurable and to us, at any rate, natural.
Certainly he can be said to have taken the greater share of responsibility because he was the parent and I the child. But once we became lovers, we shared the responsibility equally. He taught me about sex just as he taught me about my school studies and life in general. I was no different-I suppose, in some ways, I taught him, too.
Throughout it all, I felt that what we were doing was right. I loved him with all my heart-and with all my body, too. I wanted to give to him, share with him and be dependent upon him, as a woman is dependent upon her man. If my school work and social life were supposed to have suffered because of the relationship, it didn't. I felt a new thrill of belonging to life and to myself and to Daddy and it inspired me to greater feats of scholarship.
Rarely, if ever, did I get a mark lower than a B and rarely did I balk at school assignments. My social life was exactly what I wanted it to be. Granted, I didn't date, not because I wasn't asked or that Daddy forbade me to, but because I didn't want to go out with immature boys and listen to their silly talk about cars and football.
Except for the fact that Daddy was much older than I, and, of course, that we could never be married, it was just as if we lived as man and wife all those years.
I had my girlfriends and my hobbies which did not include Daddy. But the main part of my life was centered around him. I knew, too, what society would say if it ever found out about us, so I knew we had to perpetuate a lie. I had to act like a daughter when other people were around, but when we were alone in the apartment I was a woman and he was a man and, most important, we were in love.
Gradually, my duties around the apartment began to change to those of a wife rather than those of a child. I began to do all the cooking and the cleaning up and housework. He finished his higher education and stayed away longer because of his career efforts. I will say that certain aspects of our association might be considered wrong, but I went along with them because I felt like a wife and knew that I no longer wanted to be treated like a child. For one thing, I began to smoke even though Daddy didn't want me to. I also made it a point to share a martini with him before dinner.
Certainly, he still disciplined me, but no longer as a father disciplines a daughter-rather as a man controls his wife. And, we did have our arguments, too, but they were never intense enough to shatter the love we shared in any way. If anything, the love became deeper over time and I'd be a fool to suggest that sex didn't form a very great deal of it.
Some people say that a woman has to know a hundred male bodies before she can make up her mind as to whose sexual skill she likes best, but I say this is hogwash. Ever since that first time, I knew in my heart that no other man would ever be able to thrill me like Daddy had done. And I think he knew too that the love was as binding for him, physically and emotionally as it was for me.
After his first doubts crumbled, our sex life was full, and rich, and varied. It was never degenerate or sick, or depraved in any way. Once, I did have my doubts about the satisfaction of only one man, but after one "fling" I came back and I even told Daddy about it. He was kind and understanding about it and it never happened again.
But I was still immature and had little girl dreams about life and love and all the rose-colored romance I thought should go with it. To me, Daddy was a knight in shining armor. He was still very handsome with a touch of grey in his hair and still beautiful to look at when he stripped out of his shirt. He was more potent than he thought he was, and often after he realized he was able to get more than one erection per evening, we would have love play as often as three times a night.
His responsibility was to earn the money to support the apartment. Mine was to clean and maintain the apartment and cook his meals. I'm sure both of us felt totally emotionally responsible to one another.
And yes, there was one thing more. This was something that became increasingly hard to explain in terms of the conflict generated within me. I had to be very careful I didn't become pregnant.
He supplied me with money and told me how to take my contraceptive pills, which, of course, I did. But as the years rolled on and I became even closer to Daddy because of the warmth and tenderness we shared, I knew I wanted to prove that love by giving him a child. Somehow, I wanted to prove that I was worthy of him and as a woman, I could only do that in the ultimately female way-by delivering a child.
But long before that, I began to experience other doubts. When Daddy first mentioned pregnancy to me, I went through a period of fear and my own private world of strange guilt's. I didn't like taking the pills on a regular schedule, and I began to wonder within myself if a girl could get the same kind of thrill if she made love to a woman, as she could loving a man.
I had been introduced to sex too early and I had this nagging feeling that perhaps there were other thrills beyond those shared by Daddy and me. But I knew that the guys around school were not for me-they were just kids, with no sophistication or understanding. Sally, the girl who had let me watch her masturbate with the sawed-off broom handle, gradually became my best friend. I never told her about Daddy and me, but I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to tell her how thrilling it was to be in love and how wonderful it was when a man and a girl made love to each other. But I couldn't tell her these things. Instead, I had to keep silent while she told me of her doubts and shyness.
Perhaps it was compassion, perhaps it was a genuine eagerness to experiment with the world of Lesbos, but, in all the time that Daddy and I shared our love, my affair with Sally was my only "adultery." And it, not the incest, was the only thing that caused me any great guilt. It wasn't guilt over the lesbianism of it, but of cheating on the man I truly loved-my father.
The strange part of it is that homosexuality with Sally made my love for Daddy even stronger and reunited us so that our very souls were fused and could never separate.
But to explain, I must go back to the beginning which wasn't a beginning at all, for I'm sure Sally had thought of it long before I. As I said, we were friends, just like regular wives have girl friends and after school closed that summer we became even closer....
CHAPTER EIGHT
With Daddy attending summer classes and me on vacation that summer, I found little to do other than swim in the pool at the apartment or read. I really didn't enjoy going out with most of the kids from the school because, living so close to Daddy, I suppose I had matured far beyond my years.
Not only had our physical association turned me into a woman, but our love in an emotional sense had matured me. Where most girls my age were still screaming at pop singers or giggling about cute boys at school, I, found it far more rewarding to discuss politics or something of a similar nature with Daddy.
I did get a few invitations to go to the beach or riding with some groups, but after trying these things a couple of times, I simply gave up. I kept to myself on the assumption that it would be better to be lonely while Daddy was away than to be subjected to immature companions whom I didn't really like or understand anymore. It was as if, in some strange way, my first total act of sexual congress with Daddy had stolen my adolescence from me.
Before, I had been a child, now I was a woman and with each added touch of his hand or whisper of his voice, I became more of a woman and thus further from understanding companions my own age.
But I didn't lead a completely isolated life for, over the past several months I had formed a tight bond of friendship with Sally. Who really began the friendship, I don't know. Maybe she sensed that I was not one of the many people she had known who would criticize her. Perhaps she wanted to be criticized-maybe that was why she had masturbated in front of me-but when I refused to comment or evaluate, that must have made our association even stronger.
Remember, I had been raised-even when my mom was alive-to think for myself and to analyze on the basis of hard facts. There had never been any arbitrary dictum of right or wrong in my home and this was particularly true about sex.
I really saw nothing wrong in the fact that Sally masturbated with various things like the sawed-off broom handle, hot dogs, and such. I didn't even think it was wrong that she enjoyed the fact that I watched her do it.
I suppose she was a very strange and lonely girl in her way. Almost every time we were at her house, in her room, she would start the practice .without seeming to have any motivation. We would be listening to a new record and suddenly, she would start playing with herself by sitting on the bed, spreading her legs, and extending the fingers of one hand up one of her panty legs.
Sometimes, this would content her, sometimes it wouldn't. If she knew her mother was out and had a very strong urge, she would peel her panties down her legs and put the broom handle or something else in her. All the time she would talk to me, telling me how good it felt, but never saying or doing more than that!
I, of course, was fascinated by the whole process, because I had never seen another woman before, except for that one time I spotted Mrs. Bradley with Daddy's penis in her mouth. In a strange way, I was very excited whenever I watched Sally play with herself, yet I wasn't really desirous. The emotions I felt were more intense curiosity than anything else.
I had seen Sally perform her ritual several times and had listened to her talk about wanting boys and about her own shyness several more times before doubts really began to nibble in my mind.
by the time that summer rolled around and I celebrated my fourteenth birthday, Daddy and I were well settled down to the life of a married couple. Our sexual life was thrilling and rewarding and if there was ever a time when I didn't experience orgasm with him, I certainly don't remember it. But the newness had worn off. The thrill of the first act and of forbidden fruit was no longer there. I, like hundreds of other women before me, began to wonder if the sexual experience could be as richly rewarding and explosively satisfying with another man, as it was with the one who had first introduced me to the joys of Eros.
Had I been older or freer in my habits, I'm sure I would have followed the classic path of meeting some man at the office or at a bar for a one-night stand, and discover that way that love is vital to any satisfaction of the heart. But I had no office and I couldn't get into bars.
My only real friend, and my only close companion of my own age was Sally. We had been swimming one afternoon and Sally had lain in the sun for some time trying to get a tan. She was wearing a cute little two-piece suit that really made her body look wonderful, even though she was still sort of skinny and not completely developed yet.
After a long time in the sun, I asked her if she wanted to go inside with me and have a drink of iced tea. She agreed and we both went up to the apartment. We were in the kitchen and just because I felt wild, I asked her if she had ever tasted a martini.
"Gosh, no," she said. "Have you?"
"Sure," I told her. "Lots of times."
With that, Sally seemed even more impressed than usual and said she would like to have a martini with me. As she watched me mixing the drinks, she began to play with herself through the bottom of her swimming suit. She always did that when she was particularly excited about something-whether that something was sexual or not.
I finished making the drinks, poured them into glasses and handed her one. I suggested we go into the living room to drink them, but remembering our swimsuits were still wet, I asked Sally if she wanted to change before we had the drinks. She agreed and followed me into the room that was supposed to be mine, although I hadn't slept there in all the time we had lived in the apartment.
Sally peeled out of her damp swimsuit bottoms, revealing slender legs and a thin, muscular hip line dotted with only the slightest punctuation of pubic hair. Then, still as casual as always, she untied her flimsy bathing suit bra and let it fall to the carpet. I don't know what came over me-I had seen her tiny erect breasts several times before-but they seemed remarkably beautiful and firm, almost as if they were asking to be touched.
Forcing the thought from my mind, I slipped into a sunsuit and halter. Sally stood naked for a moment playing with her private parts almost as if she was scratching, although I knew she wasn't. She asked if she could wear a bathrobe of mine instead of getting dressed. I agreed and when she had slipped her arms into it and looped the tie cord around her slender waist, we again went to the living room to sip our forbid-, den drinks.
Sally sat on the couch and I in a chair, and again she began to play with herself. She would take a sip of the martini, wince from the taste sensation of it and the heat of the alcohol sliding down her throat and into her body and then clutch at her genitals. Finally, she just lay back against the couch, raised her left leg with the glass in her left hand and the fingers of her right violently stroking her clitoris.
"Don't you ever do this?" she asked as casually as if she were inquiring about the time of day.
I shook my head, stifling an urge to mention that I didn't have to. I wanted to say that I already knew the total pleasures of sex with a grown man and that I didn't have to play at being a little girl anymore. I wanted to tell her a lot of things about what I had experienced in my father's arms, but I knew I must keep our secret.
"Oh, it's really the greatest," she said, and then with a jerk that almost spilled her drink, she tore her fingers from her vagina, placed the glass on the table and almost screamed, "I know what!"
"What?" I asked.
"Let me do it to you," she said, excitedly. "You'll really like it. I'll get a hot dog or something. You got a hot dog in the refrigerator?"
"Sally ... I...."
"Don't be an old square," she said....
"It's really great!"
She leaped off the couch and, like some sort of legendary fury, dashed into the kitchen. I heard the refrigerator door open, scurrying sounds for a moment, and then the sound of it closing again. Sally returned to the room with an eight-inch-long wiener in each hand and stood waving them triumphantly in front of my face.
"It'll be great," she announced. "I can do you and then you can do me!"
"But, Sally," I managed, "I don't really want to. It's not like-"
"Like what?"
"Nothing."
She looked at me for a long time before the expression of doubt on her face turned slowly to one of complete knowing accompanied by a strange, totally illuminating smile. "I know," she said, "you don't have to tell me. I know! You've let some boy do it to you! You've gone and gotten yourself fucked, haven't you?"
"I-"
"Oh, what's it like? I mean when a boy's got it all hard and hot and puts it in there? What's it like?"
I was trapped and I knew it. My only recourse was to let her think that I had had some experience with a boy my own age instead of with my own father. "It's...." I began, "sort of ... well, it's good. It feels good."
"Oh, come on now. Please. We're friends, aren't we? You can tell me about it. It's real good, isn't it? Tell me, please!"
In my own young and fumbling way, I tried to tell Sally what real sex was like. As I explained about the prick, she sat again on the couch, her eyes getting wider and wider as she took another sip of her martini and slowly leaned back, slipping the whole length of the wiener all the way up her moist vaginal tract.
Somehow, I experienced a strange perverse sensation at that moment and took an intense vicarious pleasure in going into great detail. First, I told her what a rod looked like when erect, but when I saw how excited she got, I went back to elaborate each detail as I remembered it. I told her how the tip felt, just before the length completely plunged into me, and how great that first surge of filling pressure always felt.
Then I went on to other details, telling her how the man often put his hands under the girl's buttocks so that he could pull her tighter to him as he thrust harder and faster against the delicate seething walls of her sexual pleasure.
Each time I mentioned something new to Sally, she would try to do it to herself. She was lying on the couch now with both legs up and her hand holding the wiener, moving it fast as she pushed her masturbation tool back and forth.
I tried to remain dispassionate over the spectacle, but I couldn't. Something about her openness in showing how intense her pleasure was, brought a surge of excitement to me. When I saw the robe fall away from her beautiful young breasts, I seemed to cross the room in a sort of hypnotic haze. I was still talking to her and saying things like, "And then he starts kissing me all over and maybe even running his hands up over my boobies like...."
My hands were no longer a part of me. They were acting on their own. I was beside the couch, as I looked into Sally's eyes for a moment and then, still holding her gaze locked to mine, placed both hands gently over her breasts. I moved my fingers just the slightest bit to caress the nipples as mine had been caressed so often. In that instant, she twitched and spasmed into an orgasm that sent an involuntary gasp from her throat, making her body quiver like a leaf in the wind.
"Oh," she gasped after a moment. "Oh, that was the greatest. When you touched me there ... oh...."
She fell back on the couch gasping for breath with a happy, satiated expression on her face, the like of which I had never seen before.
Embarrassed by what I had done, I returned to where I had been sitting and lit a cigarette before taking a sip of my drink. We remained silent for several minutes until Sally started to sit up on the couch. At first I thought she was going to start masturbating again because her hand was working slowly around her private parts. But when she spoke, I realized what her problem was.
"Oh, my!" she said.
"What?"
"The weenie's stuck in there. I can't get it out!"
"You're kidding!"
"You think I'd kid about something like that? I got a foot of meat in there and I can't get it out. Oh, what am I going to do?"
It all seemed so humorous to me. Here was Sally, the girl who was always masturbating whenever she could and now she had a permanent tool in there to perform the job. I thought it was ideal for her and told her as much.
"That's fine for you to say, but what if my mom catches me? She'll kill me. Literally kill me."
I rose from my chair, crossed to where she was on the couch and knelt beside her. "Here," I said, "let me see."
Slowly, she raised her legs and bent the knees so that she was in a similar position to the one in which she had experienced such pleasure only moments before.
I had a complete view of her partially open vaginal lips and the soft tuft of silken hair that grew from the top of them.
But something happened in that moment that was more than merely wanting to help Sally out of a rather embarrassing situation. As I looked at her sexual parts, the very area of her body which had allowed her to experience such intense pleasure through her own manipulations, I wondered what it would be like to touch another woman instead of a man; what it would be like to fondle and caress organs just like mine; what it would be like to touch, knowing before I did so, the exact amount of pleasure each particular nerve end could convey, what it would be like if Sally, who knew my body as well as her own, were to go down on me, as Daddy had.
The visions of all these possible acts flashed and spattered through my mind like shadows from some macabre kaleidoscope and I actually had to shake my head to be able to concentrate on what I was about to do.
Actually, it was Sally herself who helped me the most, because she reached her hands around, gently placed her own fingers on either side of her vaginal slit, and pulled the lips as far apart as she could.
"Can you see it?" she asked.
I couldn't. Apparently in her final surge of fantastic pleasure, she had really thrust the wiener as far into her as she could.
I reached toward the lips of her vagina with trembling fingers and drew back once before taking a deep breath and assuming a more professional air. Then, I inserted one tentative finger until I was able to touch the end of the wiener. It wasn't that far inside and, by taking the top of it in two fingers of my left hand and the bottom in two fingers of my right, I was able to slowly draw it forth. But, at that point, the strange, budding fires of curiosity that had allowed their flames to lick at me before, seemed to consume me in a conflagration of perverse desire.
When the wiener was out just about an inch, I took it in my right hand and, exerting an upward pressure on it, rubbed it slowly yet definitely against Sally's clitoris as I removed it inch by delectable inch. At the same time, I touched her clitoris with the forefinger and thumb of my left hand and felt a shivering joy as she gasped her pleasure aloud. Maybe that one gasp was all I needed for I, too, was now a part of the performance. I could have taken the wiener all the way out, but I didn't. I continued using it as an artificial penis, pushing it with just the perfect rhythm in and out and never relaxing the pressure on Sally's clit.
She lay in such a way so that she could watch her own genitals being stimulated as her own hands fondled the nipples of her pert breasts. We were both fascinated by what we were doing although Sally was obviously experiencing more pleasure than I. When she spasmed into her second orgasm, she tried to pull the whole length of the wiener into her again, but I wouldn't let her. That second explosion of her pleasure shook me back to sanity and, pulling the wiener out of her entirely, I left her on the couch as I walked with it to the kitchen.
Suddenly embarrassed, I tossed the wiener into the garbage disposal, and returned to where Sally still lay gasping on the couch. It was late and Daddy was due home within the hour, so I told Sally that she had better get dressed and finish her martini before he arrived.
She just smiled at me, "I don't want the drink," she said, "I can hardly move as it is. Oh, boy, that felt great. You should have let me do you when I asked you."
Finally, with great effort, she got up and went to my room where she had left her swimsuit. I took our glasses to the kitchen where I washed and dried them and had just returned to the living room and lit another cigarette when Daddy came into the apartment.
He started toward me to throw his arms around me in our usual passionate afternoon embrace, just as Sally came out, dressed now, wearying her damp bathing suit in one hand.
Daddy seemed slightly flustered for just a second, but no more. Both he and Sally were polite to each other, but she announced that she'd better be going home because her mother might worry. With that, she crossed the room with a little wave and ambled out of the front door.
I was so stimulated and excited by all that had happened that afternoon, and doubly wanned by the one martini I had consumed, that the very moment I heard the door slam and click shut, I leaped into Daddy's arms and began to smother him with kisses.
"Hey, kitten," he said, but I wouldn't let him continue. I kissed him hard, letting my tongue play with his as one hand rubbed the smooth hard curve of his buttocks and the other slid down the form-fitting front of his body and found the growing bulge between his waiting legs.
"Oh, Daddy," I murmured into his ear. "Please, Daddy, let's fuck right now, before dinner. Let's not wait until tonight, Daddy."
With gentle, strong arms, Daddy reached over so that he held me across the shoulders and under the knees. He lifted my feet from the carpet and with slow sensuous steps, carried me first to the front door to see if it was locked, and then down the hall to the master bedroom where we had shared so much pleasure.
Our experience that afternoon was not bizarre or perverted. It was unique for I shall never forget the sensation as long as I live. I was so excited by what had happened with Sally that it seemed I couldn't stop coming.
I came the first time before Daddy was even inside me, and after that, it seemed I was on a terrible, wonderful wheel that whirred around making orgasm each time it passed a single spot.
I came four times before Daddy even came once. And, by that last shuddering time when we both writhed together in intense mutual pleasure, I was so drained and exhausted that for a moment I thought I might never want sex again.
CHAPTER NINE
After that afternoon affair of ours, Daddy and I took a swim together in the apartment pool, then came back and shared a martini before having dinner. Our conversation was casual and happy, but I knew that there was something definitely wrong with me. For some time, I couldn't put my finger on it, but then just before sitting down to dinner-possibly because of the second martini-I realized what it was.
Even though I had thought my multiple orgasms of just scant hours before had completely sated me, I was still wildly desirous of sexual gratification. What I still didn't realize was the fact that, subconsciously at any rate, Sally was still on my mind and I was in a state of desire for a particular gratification. What that particular form of gratification was, I still didn't know and wasn't to realize until long after I had finished cleaning the evening's dinner dishes and had joined Daddy in the living room to read.
I only began to understand what was bothering me as we both stepped into our mutual shower. It was as if, through some strange mental process, I had reverted to my childhood again for I began staring at his penis as I had years ago and I felt a wild surge of desire to take it in my mouth right then and there in the shower.
Impetuously I knelt in the shower allowing the spray of water to spatter on my hair and, with a violence I didn't know I possessed, took Daddy's organ in my mouth and sucked it into a state of throbbing erection. But even then I couldn't stop! I seemed to be all mouth, with one goal only in life-to lick and suck and lave-and that's what I did with a wild, passionate frenzy, a frenzy so intense that Daddy was almost instantly forced to pull away from me to ejaculate.
It had all happened with such blinding speed and such unexplainable lust on my part, that I was slightly shocked. What I hadn't realized at the time was that my motive was to make Daddy incapable of any further sexual contact that night in order to try an experiment to test my love for him.
Really, I wanted to test my desire for the male sex against that of the female. But at the time, I could not have told even myself that. All I knew was that I had an uncontrollable urge to perform fellatio on my father-to bring him to completion right there in the shower.
When it was over, neither of us spoke, but we did exchange surprised looks. He helped me dry my hair and we brushed our teeth. Then, as usual, we both went to the master bedroom which we shared and to the big bed in the center ' of the room.
Daddy lay on his side quietly smoking a cigarette and I also lay staring at the ceiling fitfully smoking one of my own. Finally, he turned to me, rested his head on one arm and asked, "What's the matter, kitten?"
"Nothing," I said with just an edge of spite in my voice. "Nothing at all."
"Come on now, sweetheart," he urged. "I can feel it."
"Oh, leave me alone!" I pouted.
Again there was silence for a moment before Daddy spoke. Sometimes his understanding was uncanny, only this time he didn't know what his "sensing the problem" was exactly what I had probably had in mind from the first.
"You're frustrated, aren't you?" he asked.
I shook my head, but apparently he sensed the lie and, with gentle fingers reached out and began to slide his hand up and down my stomach, around my tense navel and along the edges of my sexual lips.
"Don't worry, kitten," he assured me as his skilled fingers hit fibre after fibre of pure sensation. "There's still pleasure for you."
Of course, I knew what he was talking about-or at least I sensed what was to come for I had actually set about to make it possible. What I had done with malice aforethought was to try to completely emasculate the man I loved in order to force him into a woman's sexual role.
I knew he could no longer use his penis after our exhausting affair of the afternoon and after my oral ministrations in the shower. Now, he would have to caress my body as a woman would caress it-with only the use of his fingers and mouth.
Consumed by this one thought, which I couldn't even recognize at the time, I became wild with a burning desire to test him against-what? I still didn't know at the time.
Panting and writhing as I lay on my back, I murmured again and again that I wanted and needed him. But I refused to reach out to touch his organ either with my hand or my lips. Instead, I lay there waiting for him to make the move that I knew had to come sooner or later.
Slowly, gently, his fingers moved down my belly, past my navel, along the taut muscles of my lower abdomen and twitching thighs until they found the outer lips of my steaming sexual parts. They lingered there for an agonizing eternity that couldn't in point of fact have lasted longer than a second or two before they slipped into the wet folds of my welcoming love opening.
Then, slowly and gently at first, but with added speed and pressure-with a quick fluttering, like some butterfly of pure passion-they began to stroke and titillate my erect clit, sending electric shocks of ecstasy sliding through me like the silent waves of heat lightning on a summer evening.
Even though the sensation was almost total and almost complete, it was not enough! I lay there mentally writhing in my passion, yet not visibly responding. I wanted him to thrill me as he never had before, while I did nothing but enjoy.
He played with me like that for some time before, still with his fingers in me, he gently slid his long, muscular body down the length of mine and began caressing me with the soft brush of his lips. First against my hips, then down the insides of my thighs almost to my knees and finally up again, this time letting his tongue dart little lines of desire along the burning surface of my eager flesh.
When his tongue finally reached the cauldron of my desire, I was in a state of contradiction. Part of me wanted to wrap my lower limbs around him and pull his head closer to me-to embrace him as I had never embraced him before-but the other half of me held me rigid and outwardly unresponsive.
I lay flat on my back without even bending my knees as he gently massaged my throbbing sexual parts with his lips and tongue-as he found my clitoris-and with a gentle passion I hardly knew existed, began to massage it with his skilled mouth. Still I could not let myself respond. I was analyzing every move as if what we were doing was not love but some sort of bizarre scientific experiment. I wanted to see to what extent he could really thrill me! I held myself back to savor every tingle, every surge, of pure pleasure that shot through me like velvet lightning-bolt after velvet lightning-bolt.
I let him caress me like that for almost half an hour, letting his fingers stroke my erect nipples as his tongue laved my vagina and fuck-button. Suddenly I could hold out no longer.
It seemed as if my mind and body gave way at the same time and, with a spasm that was both emotional and physical, I let my whole body follow the course it had wanted so desperately to follow long before. My hips lifted as if of their own accord and my knees bent with them. I gripped Daddy around the neck and threw my arms down over his head and I came ... and came ... and came ... until I was still coming with no more pleasure left to experience within me!
I lay there thrilling with remembrance of pleasure for long moments after all feeling had washed out of me and shattered in a silent fury of golden oil-hot and scented-that covered my entire universe and had drowned me in it.
It had been wonderful-almost as wonderful as having actual intercourse, and I was both thrilled and exhausted by it.
Now, as I turned in the bed, I threw my arm around Daddy's muscular chest and, with my face buried in his chest, fell into a cozy safe sleep.
But with the morning, my doubts had not left me. All was wonderful at breakfast and I think I loved Daddy more than I ever had, but I still had a nagging desire to test myself. He was the only person who had really known me sexually and I had a perverse desire to see if others could thrill me as much.
I didn't know what I was doing. I only knew that, after he left for his first class that morning, I immediately went to the phone and dialed Sally's number. When she answered, I managed to stammer something incoherent before controlling myself sufficiently to ask her if she wanted to come over for a swim.
She told me that she had a few things to do before she could leave but that she would be over in about an hour. I hung up the phone and returned to my chores of clearing and washing the breakfast dishes, but I was nervous and ill at ease.
When I opened the refrigerator to put the butter back, I noticed the package of wieners that had been opened the day before. I stared at them for some time, before something made me reach out and take one from the package.
Standing in the middle of the kitchen, running my fingers over the length of it for several moments-as if in a trance-I untied the belt of my housecoat and squatted just enough to be able to press the end of the wiener into my vagina.
I felt no thrill whatsoever-only the cold sensation of the refrigerated meat against my inner flesh. Yet, something compelled me to manipulate my clitoris with the fingers of the other hand until I was sufficiently lubricated to press the wiener up inside me.
I can't say it felt good; but it wasn't bad, either-it was strange. I could feel it in me as a nice pressure that was cold, but it was not as thrilling as a prick and certainly not as exciting as warm human lips caressing my tenderest parts.
In disgust, I pulled the hot dog out of my hole and placed it back in the package from which it had come. Then I finished my chores and waited for Sally to arrive.
I knew why I hadn't put on a bathing suit and why I had remained in my housecoat but I still couldn't face the fact. I was still trying to talk myself into the fact that we were just two girls going for a swim in the pool.
But in the inner, secret part of my mind, I knew the "swim" would have nothing to do with water and the "pool" would be one of frothing desire.
After I had straightened the kitchen, I had enough foresight to go into my room and pull the covers of my bed down so that it looked as if it had been slept in. However, I did not make the slightest effort to change my clothes. I only walked to the mirror and opened my housecoat wide so that I could inspect my adolescent body.
Looking at myself, I went through a moment's daydream. I was curved like a woman, and built like a woman. My hips and breasts were formed and my pubic hair was grown. I don't know what made me do it, but I walked to the mirror and gently placed my own lips against the reflection. Contact with the cold mirror brought me back to total awareness again. It was as if I had been in a trance. Quickly, I retied my housecoat and returned to the living room where I sat down on the couch, lit a cigarette, and waited for Sally to get there.
CHAPTER TEN
Almost half a pack of cigarettes later, there was a knock on the door and Sally walked in, I had never really been too clothes conscious before, but I delighted by her outfit. It was a soft, light summer dress that seemed to be held up by nothing more tangible than a wish-a wish that seemed capable of changing at the slightest whim.
Her hair was combed loosely over her shoulders, and despite her glasses and the bad complexion that seemed to keep her from getting the dates she wanted, I thought just then as she walked into the apartment that she was a really beautiful girl. For the first conscious moment, I became aware of exactly why I had acted the way I had the previous afternoon and evening. It hit me with the full force of a lightning bolt, and shocked me into a silent shyness!
As Sally walked into the apartment and spun slightly to close the door behind her, her skirt flared out around her knees. I was treated to a full view of her body as it made a half arc before me. My eyes drank in the thin, taut hips, the slender legs and the small delectable mounds of her budding breasts.
She said something to me, but I was not aware of words-only the movement of her red lips and the flash of white teeth behind them. It was a conscious thought now, and I was both shocked and embarrassed by it-I knew I wanted those very lips to touch my cunt! I was finally aware of the fact that I wanted to compare the caress of a woman, one who had intimate knowledge of the female body, with the caress of the man I loved so dearly, my father.
Certainly I felt guilty about my thoughts, particularly since they were now in the open, but it was not what I would call a normal guilt. I had no feeling one way or another about a lesbian caress in itself, but I didn't want to cheat on Daddy. But, as with any woman who contemplates such things, the carnal desire, the curiosity and the longing for experiment soon overrode any feelings of loyalty I might have held at that moment.
Besides, I rationalized, Sally was here in the apartment at the moment and Daddy was away at school and now was now!
Sally stopped before the couch and stared at me in a strange way. "I said, 'How are you?' "
"Oh," I managed, taking a deep drag of the cigarette that trembled in my hand. "Fine, fine. How are you today?"
"Great," she said. "But whatever are you staring at?"
I had been looking at her pubic area wondering if I could bring myself to touch her there again and if I could ... bring my lips to touch her there ... if she touched mine with hers.
"Nothing," I told her. "Nothing ... I was just admiring your dress. Is it new?"
"This?" she said. "You've seen this a hundred times. Whatever is the matter with you?"
I couldn't answer. Instead, I plunged my cigarette into the ashtray before me, and ground it to shreds. But almost instantly I seemed compelled to reach for the pack lying on the table and shake another free, and as I did so, I had to bend my body forward. The top of my housecoat fell open, but I made no move to replace the garment as I leaned back again and lit the new cigarette.
I tried to avoid Sally's glaring eyes, but I knew they were focused on me. I also knew that she must be experiencing strange thoughts of her own for she reached for the last-cigarette in the pack and lit it, despite the fact that she didn't smoke.
She pulled a deep cloud of white smoke into her mouth, puffing it high in the air before turning back to face me. When she spoke, there was a strange huskiness in her voice.
"You sure have nice-looking boobies," she said to me.
"Do I?" I tried to sound shy and coy, but it didn't work and I knew it hadn't. Then something wild and strange came over me-looking Sally full in the eyes, I asked, "Would you like to touch them?"
"Gosh," she replied. "You mean it? Sure!"
Without the slightest hesitation, she took the two steps to where I sat on the couch, dropped her freshly lit cigarette into the ashtray and curled down beside me. Instantly, her hand reached out and slipped under the loose folds of my housecoat so that her cool fingers were gently stroking my left breast and its nipple.
"Oh, gosh!" she exclaimed. "They're so big and round!"
She continued her stroking as I leaned back and let the waves of pleasure roll through me. Looking down at her hand, I felt an added sensation as I watched her fingers manipulating my erect nipple. Then, my own hand moved slightly so that it touched her knees.
Bolder now that she was sending ripples of pleasure through me, and because she had made no movement to withdraw when my fingers touched the silken flesh of her legs, my voice was calm when I said, "I've still got some wieners."
"Really?" she gasped, but her hand never stopped moving. "Do you suppose ... I mean ... well, will you let me touch you here and all? Could I ... do you? Just once. Please?"
"You really want to, Sally?"
"Oh, yes," she gasped.
"Well, if you really want to and promise not to tell anyone."
"Don't be silly. I'll get the wieners myself."
"Okay," I said, watching as Sally jumped from the couch and dashed into the kitchen. In the instant it took her to rip the refrigerator door open and grab a hot dog, I had loosened my housecoat even more so that the full length of my body was exposed. Slipping one finger along the slightly opened mouth of my vagina to make sure I was as lubricated as I supposed, I was hardly surprised to find that I was wetter than I had ever been and more excited emotionally than I had ever thought possible.
Sally rushed back with the single wiener in her hand and again sat down beside me on the couch, rubbing the wiener between her hands to warm it slightly.
"You've got to lie back and open your legs," she said with authority. "I mean, so I can get it in right."
I did what she asked, reclining full length on the sofa so that one leg dangled over the edge and the other rested along the back of the couch. Sail sat between my spread legs and touched me with one finger. I winced with the sheer ecstasy of it.
"Goddamn," she said. "You really get wet, don't you? I never get that wet. Isn't this just wild?"
I didn't reply. I looked at the ceiling and savored the feeling of her first soft probes with the wiener as her fingers, so used to the folds and contours of her own body, began to explore me. Then, as she slowly slipped the firm wiener into my gaping opening, I must have gasped in the pure physical pleasure of it. There were no emotional involvements at all. This was what I had wished for-sheer, uncomplicated physical ecstasy. I could enjoy it as calmly as she had-could carry on a conversation-could even finish the last two puffs of my cigarette and put it into the ashtray.
She continued moving the wiener in and out of my throbbing hole as we talked to one another.
"How is it?" she kept asking. "How does it feel in your cunt like that? Is it good?"
"It's good," I told her, '-but press a little higher, like that. Harder and not so fast. That's right. Just like that."
"Oh, gosh. Isn't this exciting?"
"You know what I did yesterday, Sally, after you were finished and I got it out of you?"
"No, what?" She didn't interrupt her movements for even a split second.
"I went in and ate the raw hot dog."
"You what?"
"You heard me. What's wrong with that?"
"Well, nothing I guess ... only...."
"You seem shocked, Sally. What is it, eating the raw wiener?"
Still her hands moved back and forth-one holding the hot dog and the other gently flickering my clit back and forth, "A little of both, I guess. I mean...."
"Didn't you know a lot of people do that?"
"Do what? Eat raw wieners?"
"No, dummy. Kiss each other there. You're not that square that you haven't heard of cock-suckers, are you?"
"Oh, sure, but that's different. I mean boys are different. I wouldn't mind that. Goddamn no, I think I'd kind of like it!"
"Well, they do it back, you know."
"Do it back? You mean they kiss girls down there?" For the first time since she had begun to move the hot dog inside me, she stopped.
"Sure," I said. "It feels real groovy."
"How do you know?"
"You really want to know?" I asked.
"Sure."
"And you promise not to tell?"
"Cross my cunt."
"Well," I began, "I used to know this boy, see, and he showed me. Don't stop moving it, Sally. Good, just like that. And anyway, he used to like to do that. He said I couldn't get pregnant that way and he'd just lick me and lick me. God, it's the wildest feeling ... right now, it's the best feeling I can imagine in the whole world."
"You ... want me to ... I mean, you want me to do that to you down there?"
"Do you want to, Sal?"
"Damn, I dunno! I mean I never even...."
I knew I had to get her to kiss me on my fur-burger and my fuck-button like Daddy did. And, I also knew I would do anything to get her to do it to me. I couldn't have her back away now, no matter what I had to go through.
"Want me to show you how?" I said.
"You mean, you'll do that to me?"
"Sure," I answered. I knew I sounded a lot more confident and self-assured than I really felt, but I also knew I had to get her mouth on me. "But only if you promise that you'll do me, too."
"I dunno...."
"Of course, if you don't want to ... if you want to play around with old broom handles and hot dogs the rest of your life and never know what it's like to be eaten off...."
"Well ... I ... okay. But only if you do it to me first"
"Okay," I said. "Here, you lift up your dress and lie on the couch. No, on second thought, why don't we take off all our clothes and then, after we're done loving each other up real good, we can go down for a swim!"
Still somewhat reluctant, but now with an added fire of eagerness, Sally pulled the dress over her shoulders and slipped out of her flimsy lace panties. She stood for a moment, clad only in her bra before she moved toward the couch. It was then that I thought of this groovy idea.
"Let's go into the bedroom," I said. "I mean into Daddy's bedroom. He's got a great big bed in there and we can both lie down."
"What if he finds us?"
"He won't find out, silly. C'mon."
I looped one arm around her narrow, hot waist and half led her into Daddy's and my bedroom where she lay on the bed as I slipped out of my housecoat. "Now take off your bra," I said, "and just relax. Spread your legs open and just take it easy...."
Although I kept talking possibly more to boost my own confidence than to give her any, I could feel an added surge of excitement going through me coupled with a deep-seated feeling of doubt. I didn't know whether I wanted to go through with it after all, but now I had to.
I kept trying to think of her doing it to me as I knelt on the bed, moved up so that my knees were almost between hers and then first with my hands on her hips and then moving them under her tenderly round buttocks, I lowered ray face so that my mouth was almost on her cunt.
I waited for a moment, then stared at the soft open folds of her vaginal lips and the little wet pointed finger of her clit as it seemed to beckon to me to come even nearer. Then, taking a deep breath, I sunk my fingers into the flesh of her behind as I lowered my mouth to her waiting hole.
If I had any doubts about being disgusted or repelled, they were instantly shattered. Her clitoris seemed to fit exactly between my lips and my tongue savored the delicately scented juice of her inner vagina.
"Holy Jesus!" Sally gasped as my tongue slithered the length of her erect clitoris and pushed into her vaginal tract. "That's the greatest thing in the world ... Jesus, I'm going to come already. I can't stop it. I'm going to ... Holy Jesus...."
And with that, her body gave a shuddering throb, her hands entwined themselves in my hair pulling my face tighter to her groin and her legs seemed to flail and kick to a point where I thought she might break the bed.
Finally, though her convulsions and gasps and swearing had stopped and she lay back panting as though she had just run a mile in about two minutes flat, she moaned.
"Well," I asked. "Didn't I tell you?"
"Yes! God, but I had no idea. I never came off like that in my whole life. That's just too fast for me. I can't see straight."
"Now, you gotta do me," I said. "You promised, remember?"
"Okay," she gasped, "but you gotta give me a minute at least to catch my breath. I never had anything like that happen to me before. Oh, my God, you're really something...."
I let her lie there on Daddy's bed until it seemed as though her breathing had become more regular again, and as I waited, I became increasingly more eager for her caress. If I had made her come as fast as that, surely it was only because I was female too and knew exactly where and how to touch her for the maximum sensation. That meant that she would know the same thing and that being loved up by a woman would be better than with a man.
Finally, I rolled over on my back and spread my legs apart for her. "Come and get it, Sally," I urged. "I haven't got all day."
"Okay, okay. Take it easy."
I kept my eyes open as she moved into position between my spread legs. Her face held an expression of doubt, but I gently placed my hands on either side of her head so that her ears rested gently in my palms and our eyes caught for just a moment before we both smiled and she lowered her mouth to my seething cunt.
At first, her movements were shy and mouse-like as if she were experimenting. Then she gradually warmed to her task and as she did, I could feel the pleasure mounting in intensity within me.
What aversion or doubt she may have had at the beginning soon vanished as her lips and tongue gradually explored the molten cavern of my desire and as she became more relaxed and free with her movements, I, too, began to savor added tingles of delight.
Her tongue was like a magic wand working strange and fantastic miracles with every fibre of my body. It seemed as if the waves of sheer physical pleasure that began in my groin were spreading throughout my entire being, surging through my torso, along the length of my limbs and flashing through every finger and toe.
I gasped aloud with the ecstasy of it and although I tried to keep my head up and my eyes open so that I could see her head gently moving in a rolling motion between my legs, I could not. All my energy was drained, and all my being was between my legs centered in the exact spot where she now labored in her own delight. My head fell back to the pillow, my eyes shut and I experienced pure ecstatic pleasure that mounted and mounted until I could hold my reaction back no longer.
I tried to keep my body from the ultimate response because I wanted to savor every tingle of joy and make it last forever but I failed. My bodily responses would not hold back-the walls and bonds broke and shattered and there I was, roaring into a wild and golden orgasm that shivered every nerve I had, spasming me into the clouds of roaring passion that were the ultimate of anything and everything any human being can possibly ever experience.
I experienced the intensity of it for a moment and an eternity, as it constantly built within me, pressing ever harder to explode, shaking my limbs involuntarily and squeezing every organ until finally the thrill of it was so much that I could not bear the strain any longer.
With a shrill cry escaping from within my lips, I completely blacked out.
How long I remained like that, I shall never know, but it couldn't have been too long. I awoke with Sally, still naked, leaning over me, pressing a cold towel to my forehead.
Words were no longer necessary for we both knew that we had found something neither one of us could ever deny again. This was the greatest pleasure I had ever known. It was not love in an emotional sense, but it was pure physical abandon based on two young girls who knew each other's body as their own. We had now discovered how to give and take pleasure so intensely that with only one experience, we were both addicted.
Slowly, I managed to rise from the bed and walk into the bathroom where I splashed water on my face and gradually retained my physical sanity again.
When I came out of the bathroom, Sally was already dressed in the bottom half of her bathing suit, but her young breasts were still bare. They jutted toward me, begging me to caress them and, as if hypnotized, I walked to where she stood, gently took one in each hand and leaned over to kiss first the left and then the right.
Again, neither of us spoke. Instead, we both donned our complete swim outfits and went down to the pool for a morning swim.
We spent two hours or so in and around the pool, and then went back to the apartment for lunch, but it was as if we were again compelled to experiment with our adolescent bodies before savoring more substantial food. This time I was so eager to have her lips on mine that I asked her to lie on the living room floor. I almost ripped the bottom from my bathing suit and knelt on the floor so that I straddled her eager mouth and tongue.
As she licked and kissed my eager cunt, I leaned forward and none too gently pulled her own bathing suit bottom away from her hips and down the length of her legs. Then, allowing my torso to fall forward, I lowered my mouth to her wet pubic bush and inserted my tongue and lips into her gaping, sopping hole. We lay there in seventh heaven, savoring the taste of one another and the wild, wanton ecstasy of what the other was doing and then-then we spasmed together into a writhing, twisting orgasm that was so complete that neither of us could move for almost five minutes!
In my sated pleasure, I had no idea what implications our lesbian pleasures would have. I only knew that I had never experienced pleasure so intense in my whole young life.
For that moment, Sally and her wonderful mouth were all I could think of. We cooked a small bit of lunch and then returned to the pool. Then, in the afternoon we again returned to the apartment and again enjoyed the intensely exhausting pleasures of mutual orgasm before it suddenly dawned on me that Daddy was due back at any moment.
Like a demon, I leaped from his bed and hurried Sally into her street clothes. Then, just before she left, I pulled her close to me and kissed her full on the mouth, letting my tongue savor the hot warmth of her breath and the magic excitement that was there.
Reluctantly, I let her go and then drained, sated and exhausted, I collapsed on the couch in the living room to await the return of the man I loved ... the man whose love I had defiled by my childish experiment in pleasure.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I was so exhausted when Daddy came home that evening that I couldn't think of anything, particularly the sudden change in our relationship that began the very instant he opened the door and walked across the room to embrace me. It wasn't that I was positively cold to him, but rather that I was drained by my experiences with Sally that afternoon.
Now I was neither child nor wife ... I was nothing more than a body being driven towards a narcotic to be found only in the oral embraces of a teen-age girl.
Daddy and I ate dinner in silence. He cooked it because I told him that I wasn't feeling too well and then, instead of sitting up with him, I went immediately to bed. Even in a simple act like that, I was torn apart. Part of me wanted to return to my own room-the room in which I had never slept-while another part still recognized the deep emotional love I had for my father and wanted to curl up with him in the big bed. Finally, habit won out and I went to the master bedroom.
When he came in and stripped out of his clothing to lie beside me as my lover, my husband and my man, I knew I didn't want him to touch me. I was ashamed of what I had done with Sally and I was terrified that, if Daddy did touch me, his fingers would never be able to bring the old fire back to me. I was in the trap of physical and emotional conflict that besets every woman who has cheated, but I had no idea what I could do about it.
I rolled over on my side facing away from Daddy but could feel him snuggle tight against me and could feel the hard rising of his turgid penis pressing against my buttocks. But the terror held me and feigning sleep, I repulsed his efforts at love.
Throughout the whole tawdry and degenerate affair with Sally, Daddy remained silent and understanding. He never pressed me for sexual congress and never questioned my excuses. Perhaps he might have, if my association with Sally had lasted longer than it did. But the human body and fate and lusty desire are all strange things. I do know that what happened to Sally was almost destined to be.
She had never been popular with boys and had always felt shy around them. When I introduced her to the joys of cunt-sucking, I really should have known that she, like I, would experiment with others and also that she, who had never really been in love as I was, would chase after the sparkling magnet of lesbianism as a moth dives into the incinerating heat of a candle flame.
But that week-that first gloriously exhausting week with Sally-was an agony and an ecstasy I could never forget. I was hooked. I couldn't stop our daily affairs, which always followed the pattern of that first day. She would arrive after Daddy left in the morning, we would have our first sex, then swim, then return for our second and then, still driven by the monster of our twin desires, perform yet again in the afternoon!
But the pace was exhausting and guilt became my master to the point where great handfuls of my hair began to drop out. Somehow, as if by an instinct, I knew that the trouble I was having with my hair was not a medical one, so I was almost elated when, with the beginning of the second week, Sally didn't show up as usual.
At first, I was totally relieved when she didn't show up, but then, after I had done the housework for the first time hi a week and had changed into my bathing suit, I began to wonder if perhaps something had happened to her. With this thought in mind, I tried to concentrate on my swimming, but it didn't work. I had to know where she was.
I returned to the apartment, changed into a shift and making sure the door was locked behind me, walked over to Sally's house. If I had had any idea of what I would find over there when I arrived, I would never have made the trip.
Sally lived in a residential area near my apartment house. The house which her mother owned was older than the rest in the neighborhood and had a complete basement. As Sally and I were good friends, her mother had given me permission to enter the house through the basement door any time I wanted to do so.
It had become a habit every time I went over there to enter through the basement because I wanted to avoid Sally's mother. On this particular day, I entered the usual way, walked down the three steps that led to the basement and playroom, and recoiled at the scene I saw before me.
Sally was lying back on the overstaffed couch that rested against the far wall of the playroom with one slender leg resting along the back of the couch, the other bent at the knee with her foot on the floor. Between her legs, a fully grown woman-stark naked-moved back and forth in violently passionate gestures, hip to hip, as her eager head bobbed up and down on Sally's tiny breasts.
I could see from where I stood that the woman seemed to be wearing some sort of belt around her waist, and nothing more. I was so shocked and appalled by the vision before me that my hand leaped to my mouth and an involuntary gasp escaped my lips.
Apparently, the woman-not Sally-heard me and whirled around. Her body pulled away from the gaping vagina of my friend and revealed that she was wearing some sort of artificial prick belted around her waist. It was a huge, curved organ, glistening with moisture from where it had so recently been imbedded and, as its wearer turned to face me, it vibrated in the dim light.
"What the hell do you want?" she demanded as she rose and took a threatening pace toward me.
I couldn't have answered if my life had depended on it and-for all I knew-it might have. Fortunately, the sound of the woman's voice made Sally herself open her eyes to look around the room. As if in a daze, she finally focused on me and in a soft, sheepish voice, half spoke, half whispered, "Oh, hi?"
"Hi, yourself," I managed. "I hope you're having fun!"
"Oh, God," Sally said, ignoring the sarcasm in my remark. "Goddamn, am I ever! Lucille's got-some fake dick that makes you really feel wild!"
"Shut up," the woman said. She was still standing in front of the couch glaring at me, the huge prick bobbing up and down before her.
"Hey, it's okay, Lucy," Sally said. "She's okay. She's a friend of mine."
"I was a friend of yours," I corrected. "I never want to see you again!" With that I whirled around, ran up the cellar stairs and out the door.
I was running so fast I hardly had time to think until I finally staggered into Daddy's and my apartment. Then, completely exhausted, emotionally and physically, I rushed into the bedroom and threw myself on the huge bed.
Grasping the pillow that still held a soft memory of Daddy's after-shaving lotion, I buried my face in it, clutching it to my breasts, and bawled in choking agony.
I was still lying there in some form of a trance when Daddy finally came home. If he called for me, I didn't hear. I do know that I felt pressure beside me on the bed and his gentle hand on my shoulder and his soft, familiar voice saying, "There, there, kitten. It's all right."
At last my sobs broke into a torrent of wailing grief and hurt. I grabbed Daddy around the waist and buried my head in his lap as my very soul poured out in tears that were long overdue.
For days, I couldn't explain my emotions for they were such a tangled mixture of hate, fear, hurt, guilt and love, plus the adolescence that I had willingly denied myself. But again Daddy was understanding and did not press me. He was the most wonderful, understanding, loving man in the whole world and it was that quality that, three days later, made me confess to him my experiences with Sally.
Strangely enough, it changed Daddy's and my relationship a final time. For my confession brought about a new kind of love between my man and me-a love that could only be fulfilled by a woman's most priceless gift.
I had to give, to prove my love, even though I knew that by giving I was to ruin the very relationship that was more valuable to me than anything else in the world.
CHAPTER TWELVE
For three days, I lived a life of abject penitence. I stayed in the apartment silently doing every extra chore I could think of. As if, by working harder and harder, I could erase my own guilt and prove to Daddy that I really loved him and no one else. But after all that work, I found that I could not live with myself. I knew I had to confess.
Daddy was my mentor, my confident-my all! I could not continue living in secret shame, holding a part of myself away from him. Because of this, I had to tell him about the lesbian affair with Sally.
I started all right, but then, as I began to continue the story in hopes of easing my own conscience, I lost all self-control, I broke into a sobbing confession, blurting out all the details of our perverse acts. But the main part was my confession that I had only done it to test my love for Daddy, that I had wanted to find out if others could thrill me in order to compare his ministrations.
Throughout the whole terrible scene, he remained calm and understanding. Finally I threw myself across his knees and buried my face in his lap, begging for forgiveness and promising that I would never do anything like that ever again.
He merely stroked me gently on the back of the head and said over and over again, "It's all right, kitten. It's all right!"
That night, it seemed as if the slate of my guilt had been wiped clean. Emotionally, at any rate, I was a virgin again. We lay in bed for a long time before any physical contact was made, but we were sharing a fantastic love nonetheless. When Daddy did reach out to touch me, an electrical shock soared through me with an intensity I had never experienced before.
That night, after my confession about Sally and myself, I completely gave myself to Daddy, literally fusing my soul with his. The emotions we shared then were to cement the bond between us-an amalgam no lovers ever made stronger. It was a deep feeling that needed no words, that knew no guilt, because we were both godlike in our love and cared naught for the whims of society.
That was our first total emotional and physical commitment on a mutual basis, and I know that I will never, ever achieve anything even remotely similar with any other man.
Our love was never cracked, dimmed or lessened in the next two years. Many of the boys at school asked me for dates, but I refused them all and no one would ever have found out our secret if it hadn't been for the depth of my own love.
I think I probably knew from the very beginning that I wanted Daddy to fill me with his child. But it was an instinctual feeling then. It didn't reach the surface until after I had passed my sixteenth birthday. Then it began to grow into a fixation, It seemed that not a day passed when I didn't dream of making our love complete by bringing a new life into the world.
Daddy had taught me research and scholarship. I haunted the local library, reading everything I could about incest and the effects of it on offspring. I could not find one valid example of deficiency brought on by incest alone. Granted, some books insisted that certain traits could be increased by incestuous mating so that if both the father and daughter were feebleminded, their child might be too. But neither Daddy nor I had any medical or mental weaknesses!
I really searched and read all I could about incest, babies, contraception and fertility, and finally, lying in bed with Daddy one calm night, told him flatly that I wanted his baby.
Somehow, I don't think he was in the least surprised at my demand. I honestly believe that he, too, wanted to give birth to a living proof of our love. I also know that he, if for no other reason than his added age, had a tendency to be far more careful than I.
"You know we can't do that, kitten," he told me. "Just think of the repercussions!"
"Please, Daddy," I begged. "Make a baby in me. Let me give you a child. Please!"
"Kitten," he began as if searching for words, "don't you know what would happen if you got pregnant? What we do, what we share may be beautiful here in the apartment where no one else knows about it or sees us, but the world out there is different. To them, it's wrong, terribly wrong, even though they can't explain why. If you had a child, kitten, they'd know about it. They'd have to punish us, put us in jail. You just can't do it, kitten."
"What if I married someone else, only made sure it was yours?" I asked.
"Do you really want to do that?" he challenged. "Do you really want to live with someone else just to have my baby? Besides, you don't really know men, kitten. No one willing to marry you would be content to sleep away from you. You're just too desirable."
With that, he gently placed the palm of one hand on my lower abdomen just between the top of my vagina and my navel. The sudden soft touch of his fingers thrilled me beyond words. I responded by rolling over and gripping his penis tightly in one fist. "Please, Daddy," I begged again. "Please, make a baby."
As I spoke, I realized what a tremendous impact my word had, for I could feel instant life surge into his organ, making it as hard and erect as I had ever felt it.
I could not wait for play or massage. I straddled his body in the same way I had when I broke my maidenhead. Impaling myself upon his turgid desire I pressed my torso against his, pushing and thrusting with every bit of strength in my body. All the while I cried and murmured:
"Make a baby, make a baby. Oh, Daddy, please, make a baby in me...." And when I felt the hot, scalding fire of his come within me, I even convinced myself that I had suddenly become pregnant with the son of my own father.
Then, the dream shattered as I realized that with all my fantasies and all my wants, I had still been meticulously regular in taking my contraceptive pills. I could not become pregnant that night! But there would be one-there had to be! I kept telling myself this every moment I thought of my dream to become a mother.
I was determined in some feminine way to go through with my plan, if only I could find a way. In every thinking moment, I began to ponder just how I could get pregnant without upsetting Daddy or letting the world know what kind of love we shared. But other forces of fate were in operation at the same time.
I had not seen Sally since the moment I walked out of her basement playroom in a fit of jealous pique. In the two years that had passed, she had telephoned me a couple of times, but I had never offered to see her. I had wanted no more of her perverted life and thought the best way to avoid being sucked into total lesbianism was to avoid all contact with any of its practitioners.
I never even knew who the woman with Sally had been. I can only guess that after our first childish experiments, Sally had actively sought out other, older female partners. While still a mere child, Sally had totally committed herself to a homosexual life.
But there was something else she had committed herself to and, as I gradually began to learn the facts, I discovered that Sally, like so many other young kids who strive for kicks without meaning, had virtually committed suicide in her own unique way.
My first inclination of this was a small town item in the local newspaper stating simply that a teen-aged girl had been found dead in her own home. Her mother had reported the matter to the police. The item went on to mention Sally's name and address, and her mother's name, but gave no further details.
At first, even the name didn't ring a mental bell with me. Then it all came back! I was shocked and horrified and perhaps' even a bit curious and morbid about it all.
The day I first read the news was a weekday. I liked to read the paper before Daddy got home and, right after school I would usually do it. Almost immediately after discovering this one particular item, I telephoned Sally's mother, just to ask if it was true.
I must say that she sounded like a rock of strength over the phone. But when I asked if there was anything I could do, she did say she would like it if I could come over. Of course, I had only made the offer out of politeness without any real intent to follow through, but now I had trapped myself by my own words.
Reluctantly, I hung up the phone, wrote a short note to Daddy to explain my absence and walked over to Sally's house. What I found there shall live in my memory until the day I die.
My first impression of the house and Sally's mother was completely ordinary. She seemed completely calm, at least on the surface.
The house appeared to be neat and cheerful without any of the aura that often surrounds a place of recent death. But these impressions, although real and valid, were only a surface veneer. As Sally's mother asked me to sit down and brought me a cup of tea, she seemed less and less able to hide the true emotions within her pain-wracked body.
Apparently looking for some form of confessor Sally's age, she began to bubble forth the whole, degenerate story-a story that would never reach the papers even though in many ways it is typical of hundreds of other stories being lived in this country this very day and hour.
It seems that after her divorce, Sally's mother had made a genuine effort to be both mother and father to her only daughter. But she hadn't quite known how! She had had to make a living and give her child love, but she freely admitted that she had been afraid to discipline Sally in any way for fear of losing the dependent affection she had had for her.
She had known about Sally's masturbation and even knew it stemmed from a deep-seated insecurity. But she had been unable to bring herself to the point of a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter once she had found out about it back in the early days.
She had thought that I was perhaps the only "normal" friend that Sally had ever had. I thanked my lucky stars that she seemed to have no knowledge of our single solitary week of lesbian love, but she certainly was not as ignorant of Sally's other associations. She knew of the first mature woman who had seduced Sally; had even known that she had introduced her daughter to marijuana, but still with a terrible fear of losing Sally's affections, she had kept her lips sealed.
A few times, she confessed to me, she had tried to broach the subject with Sally, but each time, something seemed to hold her back. Instead of being firm, she had usually gone out to buy Sally something by way of a surprise, such as a new dress or record she had mentioned she wanted.
Gradually, of course, the situation became worse on both sides. As her mother became more inhibited, Sally became more brazen to the point where she would have lesbian parties in the basement while her mother was at work. Finally, sex was coupled with other thrills like "goof balls" and sniffing various things like glue and hair spray. That was what finally killed Sally.
During an orgy, she had taken a deep breath of some aerosol compound to heighten her lesbian pleasures and, in so doing had literally committed suicide.
Her mother told me that two of her friends were still trying to get her dressed when she discovered them with her daughter's dead body. For the first time in her life with Sally, she had taken a firm stand and command of a situation. She had completely dressed her daughter, told the others to go and then, when she had made the situation look like a simple case of suicide by accident, had called the police.
"I don't want a scandal," she said. "I don't want any of those maniacs coming to the funeral. Could you ... I mean, could you and some of her normal friends come? Just to make it look as if Sally was a nice, normal girl." And with that, she lost control and snapped. Placing both hands against her face, Sally's mother began to sob into her palms.
There was nothing for me to do but to agree to speak to some of Sally's old friends and to attend the funeral with them. But the next three days were so hectic, so fraught with fear and sorrow, that I had no time to think or dream of the baby I had wanted so badly.
Poor Sally had been caught in a trap of her own making and the jaws had snapped shut with violent force. That thought stayed with me in my mind throughout all the telephone calls I had to make and through the funeral itself. I went there with Daddy and could hardly think of anything else as the minister spoke the final eulogy for Sally.
After it was over, I took a tight hold of Daddy's hand as we left the small cemetery chapel. Without words, we walked back to where we had parked the car. Still silent, I opened the door and started to get in. But my dress caught on the latch. Before I could realize it, I had ripped a small rip in it. My dress had been caught by the car's door and now-suddenly in a flash of total awareness-I knew that I would be caught, too.
I knew exactly how I would have Daddy's and my baby, and the child that I hoped would bring ultimate fulfillment to our already perfect relationship was already in the planning.
What I didn't realize was the fact that we had already been caught in another way and that the child, instead of giving the fulfillment of which I dreamed, would constitute the final trap-a trap that was soon to slam shut with the same power and deadly force that had snuffed the life from my friend, Sally.
But it is true, ignorance is bliss and in the great rose-colored cloud of my dream, I set about to become pregnant.
My first task, of course, was already complete. I had timed my menstrual cycle to a point where I more or less knew the time at which I would be most fertile.
My second task was to give up the pill entirely, without letting Daddy know. This, I began immediately even though I had over half a container still in the medicine cabinet.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
My plan was really quite simple. It's a wonder I hadn't thought of it long before I did. I was going to allow Daddy to get me pregnant, tell him the truth, and after that, we would both tell the world that I had been raped.
Exactly how all this was to take place and in what sequence, I had no idea. I was so dependent upon Daddy being able to run my life, that I thought, in this case too, he would prove to be the wiser of the two of us.
It was summer. A warm, humid night and the window of the bedroom was open. Because we had a second-story apartment, neither Daddy nor I had paid much attention to drawing the shades.
There were no buildings particularly close to us and the new apartment house that had recently been completed near us was almost fifty yards away. The blanket and top sheet of the bed had been pulled down so that we could enjoy what little of the cool breeze that came through the wide open window.
Daddy and I were both lying on top of the bed, completely naked before going to sleep. We were talking about buying a new car so that I could have the old one for my very own. We were lying facing one another each with our heads nestled on our elbows, and as he talked about some of the automotive literature he had read, Daddy reached out and gently ran his hand over the trough of my waist and up over the fullness of my now mature hips. The hips of a woman, not a child.
It was slow and sensual, but more a gesture full of love than tingling with animal desire. Even then, however, I sensed that this night would, somehow be different. How terribly, terribly different, I could never guess. But then, I listened to what he had to say and savored the delicate sensations of his fingers gently caressing my flesh.
Gradually, however, the pure tenderness of his caress changed me to more positive desire. I rolled onto my back so that his probing fingers could find my sexual parts and fondle and play with them. I loved it when he did that to me, because it made the whole lovemaking seem longer and richer and fuller; it was such a gradual building of passion within my body!
His fingers inched into me, playing with my vagina and clitoris as if they were frets on some remarkable musical instrument. I, in turn, reached out and took a gentle grip of his rod. Slowly, I gave it a tug and began to move the loose outer flesh up and down until he, too, became harder and harder.
Still, I continued my gentle ministrations knowing that as I did so, he would become even more erect and desirous of sharing his body and soul with me. But both of us knew that this initial play couldn't last forever and finally, as if of a single accord, we stopped as he rolled to a position where he was kneeling with his buttocks on his heels, between my knees. He gripped his huge prick-the tool of my most intense pleasure-in one hand. Gently leaning forward, Daddy placed the hot tip of it into the opening of my passion. As he moved this way, I stared at the beauty of our two bodies joining in forbidden passion, yet in passion so great that even if it had been forbidden a million times, I still would have found some way to continue with our lovemaking. I watched him move so that just the head of his prick sank within me and my lips seemed to rise to meet it and jawlessly clamp it tight inside me.
But he teased me that night. He pulled away and it seemed that a frightening gush of cold air hit the spot where he had just been. It was frustrating and yet doubly exciting, for within a split second, he again touched me with his love stick and this time pressed himself just a little bit farther into my steaming need.
Again he pulled all the way out, letting the hotness of almost-congress be replaced by humid summer air that seemed by comparison to have been blown over an iceberg. He did this again and again as I watched and panted in wild anticipation.
Each time he would pull completely away from me and then sink himself back into my eager opening just the slightest bit farther than he had been the time before. And each time he did so, he remained in such a position that I had a complete and unobstructed view of the meeting of our genitals. Even when he made his last move, he was like a man doing pushups, his upper weight resting on his straight arms and his legs extended between mine. We lay there for a long time watching the fusion of our sexual parts.
Feeling the same impossible sensations surging through me I could no longer stand it and reaching up to throw both my arms around his back, pulled him down to me with all my strength and cried, "Daddy! Oh, Daddy, do it Make a baby in me...."
He still thought I was taking the pills, and my words seemed to make his penis even harder inside me. Like a shaft of sheer power and energy, it slid back and forth in my welcoming cunt, the servant of a monstrous passion.
And then after what seemed like hours of agonized pleasure during which I savored each tingle of our love, I felt the first throbs of his involuntary muscles pulsating him into orgasm. With the heat of his love exploding into me, I could feel in surging up into me, meeting and boring into my waiting egg. Only then was I so completed with the knowledge that I lost all control and, wrapping my legs tight around his back, I tried to rise to the very ceiling as he plowed toward the floor.
My orgasm was total, complete and full of woman's secret knowledge. I knew without fear or shame that I was pregnant! Soon I would bear the child I had always wanted. The offspring of the man I loved more than anyone or anything in the world.
But, even though I was sure in my heart, I wanted to be sure in terms of logic, too. During the next week and a half, I made sure that we experienced total sexual congress every night and in as many different positions as we knew. I was determined to have enough of his sperm in me so that I couldn't escape becoming pregnant.
So involved was I with my love and my desire to become pregnant that I did not even bother to look out the bedroom window. Even if I had, I doubt if I would have assigned any importance to the occasional fleck of reflected moonlight that struck a pinpoint of brightness in the window of an apartment opposite our own. But, had I known what caused the light, I'm sure I would have begged Daddy to move as soon as possible.
The owners of the apartment house in which Daddy and I lived, had long been thinking of expansion. They allowed children, of course, and rented only on lease arrangements and as soon as they were able, began construction of a second apartment complex about fifty yards from the first. That was the new building that rose far away outside our bedroom window.
But, to save money, even though the two huge buildings were apart, the owners conceived the idea of putting a playground in the center of the new building so that tenants with younger non-swimming children could live there. If anyone there wanted to swim, he could walk across the park area that separated the two buildings and use the pool where Daddy and I lived.
Because the pool was a large one and everyone in both buildings met at least once, and also because of the fact that both buildings were heavily populated with children, most parents were on speaking terms with one another.
The light reflected from the opposite window, however, belonged to a boy I had not yet met. His name was Steve and he was a curious thirteen. The light itself was the reflection of the moon's glow off the lenses of a pair of powerful binoculars through which he enjoyed looking, in order to see Daddy and me make our love.
Had the knowledge of our love affair been confined to Steve, it would have gone no further. He was not a tease and, if anything, was very shy. I'm sure he watched first put of curiosity and then because of some budding adolescent instinct toward his own sexual cravings. Undoubtedly, he would have continued to watch and enjoy without speaking. Unfortunately, he, too, was caught in his private pleasures by his grandmother who shared her knowledge with her son (his father) daughter-in-law. They, in turn, knew that Daddy and I were just that parent and child-and, taking our behavior into their own moralistic hands
reported the affair to the manager.
But all this came about later, after the time I knew I was pregnant and after the times when I intensified my sexual contacts to make sure that my "knowledge" would become fact.
Actually, we had three more glorious months of borrowed time in which to savor every last shred of our consuming passion and we did just that. The only thing that disrupted our relationship at all was my announcement, in point of fact, that I was pregnant because my period had not started on time.
Daddy's reaction was a strange mixture of resignation-he must have known I would do it sooner or later-and quiet joy, but he was also careful.
We both agreed on the rape story, it being that I had taken the car to a movie two weeks ago and, in coming out of the theatre had been attacked by a complete stranger in the parking lot. But before telling the tale, we wanted to be sure such a lie would be necessary.
Daddy took me to a doctor, explained the false story, told the medical man that we hadn't been to the police because of the possible scandal but that he wanted to make sure I didn't have any venereal disease or symptoms of pregnancy. We were both terribly worried he said, because I hadn't gotten my period on time.
Of course, I knew, and I'm sure Daddy at least suspected that the laboratory tests would show me to be pregnant Our next stop was the police.
They asked us why we hadn't come in before now to report this. And again we explained that shame and fear had held us back and that we probably wouldn't have come in at all except for the fact that now I was pregnant. Since there was no allowance for abortion, as far as the police knew, I was just another girl who had to wait her time before delivering a child for adoption.
The plan was complete. We had reported the rape and had been virtually assured by the police that, with the information they had, it would be almost impossible to catch the person responsible. But we were covered. Their report was dated and I had checked the theatre on the supposed night of the attack so that I knew what picture had been shown at that time.
Daddy and I had thought of everything, and now settled down to wait for an event which I knew was going to be the happiest of my life. The only thing I hadn't planned on was Steve. And even if I had, I could have no idea that in addition to watching us make love through his binoculars, he also kept a completely detailed diary in which he described acts, positions and facial expressions-filing them by date!
But for three months, I had no idea of these things and with a burden of frustration finally off my mind and with the full knowledge that now I was "caught" as I wanted to be, I seemed to become even less inhibited than I had been before.
Now that Daddy and I had proved our love, we both seemed to become wildly and freely passionate for the time we had left. We played and experimented and threw all caution to the winds. It was as if I was a grown, mature woman with an easy lover and he was the young boy testing all the things he had heard about sex.
But the sands in our hourglass of pleasure were running out and only a few grains remained to drop before our love would be wrenched apart by an unthinking, uncaring society.
Strangely, when it finally happened, it was almost as if I knew it would be that way. Stage by complicated stage, with a hint here and a sign there, I watched the temple of our love crumble around us as the cannonade of society battered its walls. When the ultimate shot was fired, it was Daddy, not I, who was shocked.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
It began quietly-with whispers, spoken doubts and the silent condemnation of strangers. How long it had been going on before I sensed something definitely wrong, I don't know. But certainly I became aware of a change long before any outward signs of my pregnancy were evident.
At the time, I was fairly well known, at least on a casual basis, to almost everyone in the apartment house. In the summer, when I had nothing else to do, I enjoyed sunning myself and swimming in the pool, and it was a rare day when I didn't engage in some short but friendly conversation with one of the other women there.
I don't know how they had previously thought of me, but I, because of the relationship with Daddy, always considered myself as one of them-housewife and all with little to do while her husband was working-who could relax by the pool enjoying the conversation of members of her own sex, indulging in the relaxation of girl-talk.
But the day I first noticed things were wrong, was the afternoon I walked down to the pool and felt something amiss in the air. Two women were seated there at one of the table and when I waved to them, I noticed that both of them turned away.
I thought little of that. They might not have seen me. But as I came close and snugged my hair into my bathing cap, I heard one of them say, "Absolutely depraved ... a man that age...." and the other replied, "That poor child, poor, poor child. She probably doesn't even know."
Then, just as I reached the lip of the pool, the first one said, "Doesn't know! Indeed! She's as brazen and sick as he is. Just think! With her own father!"
At that moment, I dove into the pool and swam the length, thinking perhaps that my ears had deceived me. But, I knew all the while that they hadn't-the two women were talking about me and Daddy. In the next two days, I overheard other similar snatches of conversation and caught condemning glances cast my way.
Then, on the afternoon of the third day, as I was in the apartment alone, there was a knock on the door and I opened it for a woman I knew but slightly. Her name was Mrs. Martin and she had been a tenant of the building for almost a year. I was as close to her as I was to anyone other than Daddy. At least I would stop and chat with her and once had shared a cup of coffee with her in her own apartment.
This time, however, her facial expression was anything but happy. She was obviously concerned and her mouth was pulled tight in an expression of pursed regret. She asked if she might come in and I showed her into the living room and offered her a cigarette.
She refused. "My dear," she said, "I never like to meddle on other people's affairs, but you're such a beautiful young girl with all of your life before you and I feel it's my Christian duty to explain some things to you."
"What's that, Mrs. Martin?" tasked, innocently.
"Oh, my dear child. Don't make it hard for me. I know-we all know. You've been actually-how can I put it?-seen in the ... the act!"
"The act?" I still wasn't really sure what she was talking about.
"Oh, my dear child," she said again. "You're so young. How could you know? How could you have any idea what a depraved and terrible thing you are being forced to undergo?"
"I don't think I under-"
"The whole apartment house is buzzing with it. About you and your father. Oh, how could that man do such a terrible thing to such a nice, young girl? I don't understand how he could do it, you poor thing, you poor, poor thing!"
by this time, I knew what she was talking about, but I didn't care. The only thing on my mind was my intense love for Daddy and the knowledge that even now his child was growing within me. I was indignant and angry at Mrs. Martin's invasion of my privacy. I felt in my heart that everything that Daddy and I had experienced together was more real and meaningful and honest than any of the life around us.
My anger welled up in my throat and I rose from where I had been sitting. "My father is not terrible," I announced, "and he hasn't made me do anything that I didn't want to. And, Mrs. Martin, I'll thank you to mind your own business and keep your nose out of my affairs."
"Well!" she said. "I never!"
"Then, that's your loss," I said between my teeth. "Now, if you'll leave me, I have some work to do!"
She rose from her chair and huffed to the door. She stood there with one hand on the knob and turned to me a final time, her expression not one of a busybody but one of deep human concern. "Oh, my poor child," she said as if it was her only way of beginning a sentence, "if you only knew the horror, the stigma, the pain in store for you because of what you are doing. If you only knew!"
"Get out!" I said. "And leave me and my daddy alone!"
With that, she turned, opened the door and stalked out without my realizing that she actually had come to help-to warn me of the sure danger that lay in store for me and Daddy unless we gave up the expression of our love or moved to another location.
Mrs. Martin had, in effect, been my last chance. Now, with my angry slamming of the door behind her, I had sealed the doom that had probably lurked over Daddy and me from the very first time I had shown him that I would be a willing partner to the oldest and most universal of human sins.
What I didn't know was that Steve had already been caught by his grandmother and that she, too, had seen Daddy and me making love. Steve's grandmother had passed the information around to members of both apartment buildings. Because the knowledge was a hearsay proposition at best, Steve's father had conspired with the manager of the apartment house to make a private raid on Daddy and me, before calling the authorities and pressing charges of incest, child molestation and contributing to the delinquency of a minor, against Daddy.
None of these things were known to me that day, but I was distraught about Mrs. Martin's visit, and the words and glances I had heard at the pool. Yet, I did feel some sort of premonition, some foreboding of disaster and some Intensification of the depth of our love.
When Daddy came home that evening, I went out of my way to make him a delicious dry martini and to have an extra special dinner waiting for him. I wanted to do everything I could for him-even got his slippers to wear while he read the paper. When he got ready for bed, I insisted that he take a bath instead of a shower so that I could wash him like some Oriental slave might wash her master.
Something inside me, something told me that this would be our last night together. I knew it; yet I didn't know it-it was a feeling.
And because it could not be denied, I determined to make this last night together, this last joining of our souls and bodies that would take place later in the evening the most delicious and fulfilling experience either of us had ever had.
After I had washed him all over in the tub, I took my own shower alone for the first time in months. When I had dried myself I made sure that my body was thoroughly powdered and little drops of perfume were on the tops of both my thighs.
Then, after I had brushed my teeth, I walked into the bedroom, striking the most provocative pose I could in front of the big mirror. He could see my jutting breasts in the flesh and my rounded buttocks in the reflection. I asked him if he wanted another martini in bed.
"That might be nice," he said "Why not?"
Still naked and feeling full of seductive womanliness, I walked into the kitchen and mixed two large martinis. I poured them in tumblers with ice cubes instead of in stemmed glasses and returned to where Daddy still lay naked on the bed. There I handed him one and. as he took his first sip, gently reached out and took his cock in my hand.
My premonition of doom seemed to swirl around me. But, as if knowing that this would be the end, I wanted to do everything in my power to make it unforgettable for both of us. I wanted to make Daddy's final experience with me as sensuously beautiful and exciting as I knew how.
He sipped on his drink as I fondled his organ until it became erect. When it had achieved its total strength, I put my own glass down and gently lowered my head to his groin so that I could take his love tool in my mouth. I wanted to caress and kiss him without making the excitement too intense or rapid, for I wanted the tinglings of sensation that I knew shot through him to seem to last for an eternity.
Perhaps, he, too, shared my premonition. For he seemed to relax totally and savor the thrills he was experiencing. But he would not let me bring him to ultimate climax that way.
Apparently, he too, wanted to prove his undying love for me, for after a few minutes of allowing me to kiss and caress him, he put his glass down on the end table, twisted around on the bed and began to reciprocate the oral act.
Never have I been so quietly thrilled and pleasantly, warmly aroused. That what he did was amazingly exciting I can never deny, but there was something about the movement of his lips and tongue on my sexual parts that was quietly sensual. It was not violent nor did it draw me inescapably toward a surging orgasm.
The process was slow, delicate and delicious until we both seemed to sense the time was ripe for full sexual congress.
Gently, Daddy removed his mouth from my wet vagina and with maddening slowness moved up so that we could both see his erect prick touch my vagina and then, slowly sink into the welcoming flesh. Without any violence or rapidity, I arched my hips toward his, twined my legs and arms around his muscular body and drifted into a physical and emotional dream that I shall never experience again.
Our movements were slow and deliberate-almost like those of gourmets savoring a delicious meal knowing, yet not knowing, that it was to be our last.
We both wanted to prolong our ultimate responses as much as we could, but the intense sensations of body and soul could not be denied and I knew we would ultimately soar to the stars and eternity together. When the knowledge was sure in me, I pulled him even tighter by wrapping my legs more closely about him and whispering in his ear...."Daddy ... Daddy . Daddy...."
At that very moment, just before orgasm, the door of the room opened with a crash and I turned to see the apartment house manager and another man standing there right in our bedroom!
I Finally, I could no longer deny the knowledge that had only nibbled at my brain before. Now there was no avoiding the fact that we had been caught in our tabooed love! We would not and could not escape the garrote of social pressure. I was sure now of what I had only suspected before. We would never share our bodies again, no matter what.
Even though we both were shocked by the entrance of the two men, we both realized the implications of their intrusion. With a final, passionate surge, we grasped each other in total strength and in a wracking internal explosion of mind and body let our love crash together and fuse ultimately in a final orgasm.
But we had no time to savor the after joy of our act, for the manager of the apartment house took one step to the bed, roughly grabbed Daddy by the shoulder and pulled him away from and out of my still steaming body. He fairly threw Daddy against the bedroom wall, as he turned to me and curtly ordered, "Put something on!"
I was too stunned to do anything but obey. I slipped into a shift and Daddy donned a pair of trousers and a shirt. Then all of us went into the living room while the other man used our telephone to call the police.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The police took us away. I was confined by the juvenile authorities and Daddy went to jail. Then there was the trial, and we both knew what the outcome would be.
Perhaps as many people said, my father was no more than a weak and lonely man who had succumbed to his carnal desires for my body and had discarded what moral standards he might have had. Perhaps I was an unwilling pawn to a monstrous act! I had been hypnotized into a degenerate sexual relationship that was both unnatural and against all the laws of civilization. During the time of the confinement and trial, I hardly knew what to think. I only knew that Daddy was going through some terrible ordeal and I wanted to be by his side just to hold his hand and reassure him that I still loved him and always would. But even that was denied me and when he was finally sentenced, my whole world was so shattered and crushed that I remained in a state of absolute shock.
Paradoxically, the law is not equal-where Daddy suffered all the wrath of an indignant society, I was allowed to go free although I had to make periodic reports to a parole officer.
I visited Daddy every chance I could, but these times were rare. I had little money and no family, so I had to find work. I managed to get a secretarial job and to live an isolated life for some time, but always I would think of some excuse to get to see the man I loved whenever I could.
Fate, too, was good to Daddy, even though it was hard. In prison, his spirit withered and ultimately after no more than six months, he seemed to completely deteriorate.
Death was merciful. Perhaps wrongly, I let the state bury him in an unmarked grave. That final resting place might have eased some of the guilt from his mind; I don't know.
But I was now hopelessly alone. Society says that I had not merely been a pawn, I had not been lured into a degenerate act by a monster. I had loved with all my heart and soul and body. I am sure that because of the depth and intensity of that love I shall never be able to find similar happiness again. If it was wrong.
I don't even care now, for at least I had the joy of knowing it all! Even though the proper members of the society have continued to tell me how terrible it all was.
I did go through a time of hopeless and helpless confusion for some months after Daddy finally died. I was lost. Even the psychiatric aid the state offered was no help at all for it did not center on understanding me or my emotions. It was only a final effort on the part of the "ins" to brainwash me into believing I had sinned.
Perhaps that's why I. finally decided to write it like this-to go into the details of an impossible love-a love that can never die, because, as the old and corny song goes, my heart belongs to Daddy. It always did, I guess, and it always will. Oh, I'm not trying to say that I live in absolutely celibate isolation. I don't. I did for a while, while I was with the juvenile authorities. I spurned the advances of all the dykes down there and when I got out and moved to a small apartment, I tried to stay away from everyone.
But sex had become a habit with me and it was one I couldn't break by just wishing the urge away. Daddy was no more; my body still craved attention and sexual satisfaction.
For the first time in my life I turned to masturbation almost on a grand scale similar to what Sally had performed on herself when she had been alive. Often I would masturbate myself several times in a single day: in the mornings before I left for work, in the woman's room at the office and twice or more in the evenings when I got home. But it wasn't the same. After a while my intensity succeeded in irritating my clitoris to the point where the act was painful rather than pleasurable.
Also, I have to admit that I'm the kind of woman who is not left alone by men. I'd always had the opportunity for dates. Despite the fact that I was pregnant and flaunting myself to the world, the men asked me out. While the child was growing within me, I had an easy excuse, but then everything seemed to happen at once.
My time of delivery came near and Daddy died. I had to give the child up for adoption even though she was the one thing I really wanted to keep.
I suppose I knew it would be that way from the moment we were caught. Maybe I am really some form of masochist and really take some form of pleasure in my own emotional pain. But that last moment with my child-our child-when I was allowed to see and hold it, feel the pressure of its tiny body warm against my breast, will live with me forever.
If things had only been different. If only I could have kept our baby to have some living proof that it wasn't the sordid cheap affair that everyone kept telling me it was.
I know just thinking about it like this is no good, but I also know that I can never really forget. The sadness is with me. It's a part of me for.-I was caught in a trap from which I could not even hope to escape. There never could have been the slightest hope of keeping the child after we were caught, so I had to face the inevitable. The adoption. Maybe, I tell myself, it is better this way, for my baby will be around people who really know how to love.
But the emptiness was there nonetheless. I quit my job, sold all the furniture and left because it was all around me. I had no idea where I intended going or what I would do when I got there. I suppose I hated myself more than anyone or anything.
It was in New York where I finally determined that, if everything I had done was called wrong by an uncaring world, I might just as well do something really wrong to make them and myself know the real truth.
I was alone and almost broke and hadn't found a job yet, and I was just walking aimlessly along 42nd Street right by the old Times Building. Something came over me in a flash and I walked into the life of a prostitute as easily as some people bite into a cookie.
A middle-aged man was standing on the curb apparently eying the street for possible cabs. Whether he reminded me of Daddy or not I can't really say, but I walked up to him as bold as ever you please and simply said, "Like some fun?"
He glanced down at me, let his eyes run over my breasts and hips and, without speaking, hailed a taxi. He opened the door for me and I got in. Within minutes I was in an apartment in the east seventies, lying on my back in a huge bed as a stranger pumped his sexual part into me.
I tried to respond, but I couldn't. I lay there thinking it was all somehow wrong, but enjoying the wrongness of it and the dirtiness of it. When it was over, he handed me a twenty dollar bill and told me to get out. I went downtown, bought myself a good dinner and found another fuck.
It's a wonder I didn't get caught; but I didn't. What finally caught me was myself and one day I woke up in bed with a man who had shared my body but who knew nothing of me and I calmly decided that if I kept up this way, I would kill myself mentally as well as physically.
As he still slept, I got dressed, left his hotel room and, after stopping once at the bank where I had deposited my savings, decided to leave town. I didn't even return to my apartment. I wanted to end the disgusting life I was leading with a clean amputation. I got a bus for Chicago but didn't like the town. I headed south to Dallas, spent some time in Phoenix, and even worked as a topless dancer in Las Vegas for a while, but none of it seemed right.
Finally, I came back to Los Angeles and got a job as a secretary with an aircraft concern. I decided that, good or bad, that was where I would stay. I would not run from life any more. I would not whore. I would try to live the life of a normal young woman.
Of course, the men wouldn't let me. I hadn't been on the job more than a week when I got my first invitation to dinner. I turned that one down but then, thinking that I had acted the fool, determined that in the future I would accept dates instead of spurning them. After all, the dinner and entertainment were free and maybe, just maybe, I. might find some man who could thrill me as much as Daddy had in those days that seemed centuries ago.
Always the men wanted sex, and on my third date with one of the men who had asked me out, I experienced my first legitimate sexual intercourse since the good old days of my childhood.
We had gone to dinner and had had a few drinks and I suppose I had allowed the alcohol to warm me more than I should, but by this time, I didn't really care. When he asked if he might come in after he took me home, I agreed and the first thing I knew, we were in bed.
He wanted me to take his prick in my mouth, but I didn't want to. I let him lick and kiss and fondle me and gained a certain amount of pleasure from his touch, but it wasn't really the same. It wasn't what it should have been and in time I got sick of his ministrations. Then I simply rolled him on his back, straddled him as I had straddled Daddy that first time and moved so fast and furiously that he had an almost instant orgasm. Then I told him I was tired and wanted to be left alone to sleep.
He never asked me out on another date and I wasn't sorry. But other men did and I got to know one of them pretty well without knowing what his "problem" was. He had always been the perfect gentleman with me in everything he did. He always opened car doors and behaved like a knight in shining armor until I began to suspect the truth.
For some reason, the poor fellow was partially impotent. Sensing this, I became the aggressor and one evening as we were sitting in his apartment I reached over and laid my hand on his lap, hoping that my overtness would bring him to a state of potency. It didn't.
We sat there for a while, he staring across the room obviously thinking, and I fondling his flaccid organ until he finally turned to me and asked if I would like to see some movies.
At first, I thought he was joking and then it dawned on me what kind of movies he was talking about. I sensed that only with the movies could he be aroused. Although I was not that interested in seeing them, I certainly saw nothing wrong.
"Sure," I told him. "Why not?"
Elated by my reply, he rose from the couch, left the room for a moment and returned with the projector in one hand and a small screen under the other arm. I waited as he set the machinery in place and returned to sit beside me before he flicked the switch on the projector.
After all of the things I had already been through, it may seem strange that I had never seen a pornographic movie before, but I hadn't!
As the couples on the screen writhed in every possible sexual act, singly and in couples and trios, I began to feel strangely stimulated. Again I reached out to touch him and wasn't really surprised to find that he had taken his cock in his own hand and was sitting beside me playing with himself as he avidly watched the twisting bodies on the screen in front of us.
"Here," I said, "let me-"
With that, I removed his hand and leaned over him in such a way as to be able to take his cock in my mouth as I watched the action on the screen. I was thrilled and delighted as I felt the flesh of his organ harden in my mouth and quiver with a power I had no idea it possessed. The thrill of that, coupled with the excitement generated by the film, and finally intensified by the fact that his own hand had reached behind me, lifted my skirt and was playing with my own sexual parts, made me as eager and excited as I had been in years. It was the first time since my last coupling with Daddy that I felt desire surge through me and I didn't want the moment to leave.
As the movies played on the screen before us, I helped him unbutton his shirt and made his task of undressing me that much easier. As the movies still continued, he threw me on the couch and without further preamble, thrust the hot power of his sex in me with a surge of wild and passionate ecstasy.
We were both watching the action of the actors while our lower bodies concentrated on pounding into one another and then, just as the film ended and the screen turned a nickering white, I could feel him beginning to come within me. I wanted to hold back-to save my love for a memory, but I couldn't! I was on the very lip of life's most intense pleasure and I couldn't deny my body's right to it. I let the floodgates open and thought I would be torn apart by the great sea of passion that roared through me. My legs caught his body in a scissor hold and I screamed in sheer ecstasy at the intensity of the pleasure I was experiencing-a pleasure of body I thought would never be mine again.
But it was a pleasure of body alone-one of pure animal desire. I was not in love and knew I could never be in love again. My love had all been given to one mature man when I was but a mere child, and still remains with him in his grave somewhere in a cold, damp, dark cemetery. That, I knew, would never change.
But at least I had overcome one barrier. I was again able to experience the purely physical pleasure of sex. That was a milestone in itself.
Since that time with the movies, I have been able to lead a more or less normal sex life, certainly not that much different from some of the other girls I have met. I can experience orgasm most of the time and I don't need to rely on the crutch of pictures. I do need to know that the man is terribly excited, that he feels he has to have me. When I sense that kind of excitement, I almost think I belong again and my sexual experiences are almost complete.
They will never be totally complete again, however. For they will always lack that essential item for total completion-love.
Maybe we are all born with only a certain capacity for love. The ability to give a little of it here, to art or beauty, and a little there, to our parents, and some more to our loved ones and children and thus we can spread it around. I don't think I was born with any different capacity, but I do know that all the love I had went in one direction and has now hopelessly gone from me.
Call it wrong, call it perverted, call it what you like, but I gave all my love to Daddy and there is no changing that fact. Perhaps I am neurotic as they say because of my inability to feel as others feel, but I wasn't always that way! I loved Daddy in all ways. He was beauty, he was my parent, and he was also my lover and companion. All my love went out to him when I was so young that none can remain now. I simply do not have it to give.
But my case is not terribly sad. Even I, with this huge hole of eternal emptiness in my heart still find time to see how fortunate I really am! For even though I cannot feel love now and even though the only man in my life has gone forever-yes, even though my only child is somewhere where she and I will never meet, I have one thing that can never be taken away from me and which will be with me always.
This is my little shrine to an impossible love! My little private room of thought where the world's criticisms are never heard. There is no time for agony. These are the golden fields of eternal sunshine that can never be blackened for me.
With all I lack, and with all I have suffered and may even suffer tomorrow, I still have my memories. And no matter what society or psychiatry says, they are things of joy and beauty for me. For me, incest was something wonderful and I shall always love my daddy.
