A handy-dandy catalog of facts and figures pertaining to who done it, where, with what and how big. Odds and ends about strange orifices and appendages, the biggest and the smallest, including world-setting records for all sorts of activities. Interviews with some of the sex world's international heroes and heroines telling how it feels to win for having the biggest and being the best!
FOREWORD
Have you ever casually commented that your neighbor's nipples are probably the biggest in the world? Did you ever stop to think that you might be right? When you last read about a teenage girl with two vaginas or a middle-aged woman with no cunt at all (who gets her sexual satisfaction, incidentally, in her ass-hole) did it cross your mind that these women might live up the block?
The point is that such people with strange bodily formations, with large organs or peculiar talents, live among us. Maybe even YOU are one of them?!
The owners of such friendly mutations and skills as are the subjects of this book are not Martians. Nor are they underwater sea monsters.
Rather, they are living, breathing people, human beings just like Sally up the block or Sue next door.
Some of these people belong to history, and others are with us today. In either case, it is to these fine fellow creatures this Sex Almanac is dedicated.
Occasionally, where the editors deemed it necessary, we have changed a name or two. Otherwise, the facts remain as they were found in the history books or newspapers, or as they were reported by our staff and the people themselves.
-The Publisher
ABNORMAL ARRANGEMENTS
Double Header
According to confirmed reports from two eyewitness females, there lives a man in San Diego, California, a Mr. Jack Hornbelt who has not one organ, but two, completely functional, fully capable penises. The two phallic appendages share a single scrotum and they operate independently of one another.
At the point of attachment, the two penises are less than an inch apart. They point away from one another at a nearly ninety degree angle.
One of the women who made her report to our editors claims to have seen the man during a state of sexual arousal: "It was quite remarkable. After all, how often is it that you see two dicks, side by side, on the same man, fully erect. But there they were, both of them, standing up proud as day like a couple of flag poles. They're both circumcised, and I'd say the combined length, if you could lay them end to end, is somewhere around ten or twelve inches-you know, average. Same for thickness, too. I suppose he could fuck two very skinny girls at the same time if he really wanted to. Or maybe a kangaroo. (You know kangaroos, with their bifurcated vaginas and all!)"
She also reported that the two organs looked normal when considered separately.
Mr. Hornbelt himself tells most of his friends when they ask: "With me it's normal. I mean, I always get two erections, I never thought it was anyway different for all the other guys till I was around four. It don't matter to me. I always get just one orgasm anyhow. Don't ask me why."
When asked if he ever considered surgery to make himself "more normal" Mr. Hornbelt shook his head sadly. "Wife won't hear of it, you know. Just doesn't want to listen to any kind of talk like that. Don't ask my why. Just won't hear of it."
Something Extra
Selma Debber reported to the local paper in Kingston, Colorado, that her husband's testicles numbered three instead of the usual two. When questioned on the veracity of this strange brag, Mr. Debber himself stepped forward and volunteered to display his member and genitals in general in order to make the public claim stand up. Officials from Kingston suggested that a licensed physician inspect Mr. Debber and that his word be taken for granted. A female physician was selected to do the counting, and, sure enough, after a minute or two alone with Mr. Debber (and his wife), the physician announced that, indeed, Mr. Debber had not two balls, but three.
Debber claims that he's had three balls ever since he can remember and that there doesn't seem to be any special advantage or disadvantage to the fact. "My wife thought it was kind of unusual," he told our reporters. "She seemed to think that I might make some money off the third one, if we announced it and all. That's when she put the story in the papers. I myself don't see what advantage it has for me, 'ceptin' the money you fellows gave me to have this interview. Not many people interested these days in whether or not a man's got balls or not, so it stands to reason they don't care much if he's got two, one, three or a dozen, I suppose..."
The Long Hard Way
Stories from foreign lands are often difficult to verify. But a report from South East Asia states that a bisexual group has been formed to worship a teenage boy whose erect phallus measures well over three feet long and nearly a halffoot in diameter. When this particular figure was made public some ten months ago, we expected challenges from just about every major record keeping group in the country, but thus far there have been no contenders for this phenomenal record.
(The often publicized story that John Dillenger's prick hung soft for twenty-two inches came up for criticism recently. No one was able to successfully confirm or deny this fact, but the editors believe that it's a good enough myth to pass on.)
That Certain Something
Hairy women are often seen as misfits or oddballs. The most obvious case of a woman with a beard, though, occurs in the Archives of the London Merrimac where a photo of Alice L. Ender-berry, who died in the early 1940's, testifies to the fact that at the age of eighteen Ms. Enderberry's face was covered with manly hair. She had all the other attributes of a woman, including fully developed comely breasts, a functional pubic-covered vagina, a working uterus, and, oh, yes, one other thing: a fully developed working penis!
There have been no witnesses to the rumor that Ms. Enderberry had intercourse with herself.
Phallic Brag
Some men will do anything for kicks. Among the strangest skillful task ever performed by a man, the one that struck us as the most unique-you might even say oddball-was the one performed by Mr. Alan Wendel. He is able to lift with a metal support system the weight of his children (three small ones) and his wife on his extended penis.
No one has reported why, exactly, Mr. Wendel chooses to spend his spare time practicing such an exercise.
Can You Beat That?
A French hooker reported-and her version has been confirmed-that Mme. Elan uses fully developed cantaloupes for self-abuse. On a dare, in a side-show in Toulons, Mme. Elan masturbated herself with a kick ball.
SEXUAL ATHLETICS
The Big Lift
Hanna Louise, now sixty-two, in her prime, was able to lift a forty-two pound weight merely by contracting the muscles in her vagina. She has supported such weight for a period of well over a half-hour without difficulty on at least three separate occasions.
When interviewed and asked how it was she got started at this particular activity, Mrs. Louise said circus," she said when questioned delicately about this rather unusual ability. "I know that not everyone can do such things, and that not everyone would even think about trying. But I've been a part of performing so long that it just came natural to simply: "I wanted to be able to squeeze my husband just about as hard as he could enjoy it. And one thing led to another. It got to be a hobby. He-likes it. And I do too."
Straight Up
Leonard Stores, born in 1912, in Redbank, Alabama, a circus performer and side-show man extraordinaire, balanced an eight-foot pillar weighing more than a hundred pounds on his erect penis. His record time turned out to be two hours, thirty-five minutes and fifteen seconds.
Stores, a relatively small man, reported to his grandson that he started in on such activities on a post circus bet. Some of the guys were bragging about this and that when Stores stood up and made his outrageous claim. From then on he made a living proving his muscle power in just that way.
Hot Suck
Acrobatic Leslie Brenner, a performer in a well-known circus, showed herself able to grasp a knotted silk chord between the walls of her vagina, and swing, upside down, across the center ring at a height of sixty-five feet. Thus suspended, she has demonstrated various feats, including six advanced forms of cat's cradle string-tying. Mrs. Brenner is six feet four inches tall, and she weighs just under one-hundred and eighty pounds.
"I think it's the fact that I grew up in the me. I hope you don't think I'm conceited or anything but I think I'll go down in history for being able to do it that way."
Anyone For Skateboards?
Lester Hawkins of Culver City, California, has invented and patented a roller skate which can be attached to the male genital organ. In a demonstration at a toy manufacturers convention in San Francisco, on September 11, 1971, Mr. Hawkins, using his device and a holster apparatus, skated nonstop across a demonstration area two hundred yards long. His muscle was erect all the way.
L'Artiste!
The works of Cecelia Barnes, long famed for her incredible need for privacy, have been valued at well over the million mark. No minor artist, Ms. Barnes was always talked about as a perfectionist.
But until recently, no one had ever seen Ms. Barnes at work. Last year, however, a former model broke the years of promised silence and revealed that Ms. Barnes painted only with her ass-hole. She would stick the handle end of the brush into her relaxed sphincter, flex, and take it away. "It was quite a sight to behold," said the model. "Naturally, she was very careful in picking her models. She tried to find people who would keep a good secret. It's not unusual with artists to make models sign such privacy contracts. But this was too much. I just had to tell."
Ms. Barnes's paintings will be on exhibit in Los Angeles in 1978.
The Great Effort
An amateur filmmaker recently won an award for technical inventiveness. He attached a camera to his dick and let it hang between his model's legs while screwing her with the head of his muscle. His buddies, on seeing the footage, went to the nearest trophy store to buy young Director Pain-diris a Gold Cup. "Luckily," said one of the young men, "he was only shooting eight millimeter stuff." The filmed intercourse is proof of this particular record in strange athletic performances.
Hunt And Pecker Method
Mr. A. Cannon Hoyt bragged that he can type with one appendage only, faster than anyone in the town of Lizzard, Nebraska. There were no challengers to his brag, but Mr. Hoyt proceeded to demonstrate for our judges anyhow. With his erect muscle he set himself to work at an electric typewriter doing no less than fifty words per minute.
Ancient History
This odd record comes to us from Spanish
History: A Senor Allabaster fought off his enemies with an erection. He tied to his steely muscle a long-handled thwacking blade razor sharp on both ends and dueled each and every one of his enemies with the mighty weapon. He won, as would be expected, all but the last battle during which he was castrated. Unable to live with the idea that he could no longer do battle, Senor Allabaster committed suicide.
ALTERATIONS
Mission Successful!
The most successful transplant operations have been those in which a man changes into a woman. Obviously, it's easier to castrate a man and develop a vagina between his/her legs than it is to unfold a woman's pussy and erect a muscle there.
However, an East Coast research team made this report:
"The most successful gentler operation and accompanying organ transplant was performed by a Swiss medical team on January 23, 1965, at the Liber Clinic in Geneva, Switzerland. The patient, formerly Miss Hariet Hillstess of East Rockland County, Georgia, now Harry Hill, of Star Creek, Alabama, underwent 3 hours of surgery, during which time her breasts were removed and a six inch penis made by Sandoz was implanted.
"The operation was a total success and today, thanks to hormones and two more surgeries, Mr. Hill cannot be considered any different from any other man in his town."
Surgery and physical transmogrifications have become more and more common as the advent of modern science increases the patient's chances for a smooth and nearly invisible physical transition from one sex to another.
As of the present moment, however, no one has undergone surgery in both directions, that is from male to female and back again, or from female to male and back to female. But someday...
APHRODISIAC-BEST SELLING
Scientists and teenagers alike have long sought after the most popular of all drugs, the aphrodisiac. For what man on earth has never been in the situation when a little help from Mother Nature would not have made all the difference in the world? like the Fountain of Youth, the perfect aphrodisiac remains undiscovered. But there have been some very, very close calls:
-There are 42,541 known organic and chemical substances which can be effectively used to produce sexual stimulation in the human species.
-The most potent aphrodisiac is a drug identified as geblincortyn-glycerol. The only problem with this drug and others like it is that the stimulation lasts despite orgasm. In other words, a woman will be stimulated into wanting intercourse, but she won't stop wanting it once she gets it. Similarly, a man may get an erection from taking the drug, but he won't stop having an erection just because he has a subsequent ejaculation.
-Most aphrodisiacs are very mild and give the user a slight sense of euphoria as well as stimulated sexual drives.
-Army experiments show that the best approach to raising a man or a woman's sex drive is through the brain. With proper wiring, for instance, the Army can turn on anyone!
-The "Best Selling" aphrodisiac of all time is unquestionably nutmeg. More people have bought the spice in an effort to stimulate their sexual appetites than any other drug or specialty item ever.
BREASTS-LARGEST
Due to the number of people involved in making such a judgment, it's difficult to say for sure who exactly has the largest breasts in the world. For the purpose of our study, however, we used the following criteria:
I) A woman must have completed puberty in order to be considered.
2) Such women must be under fifty. (Reason being that women over fifty tend to have a slight advantage due to sag.)
3) Synthetic organs must be considered separately.
4) The size of the nipple will not be included in the final measurements.
With no further ado, then:
Mrs. Randolph Cleave of Saratoga, New York came in first place. Her breasts, measured once in the morning and once in the evening just to be sure, finished up at ninety-seven and one-half inches. Mrs. Cleave claims never to have exercised, and she says that "even as a child I had large tits. It wasn't something special in my family. My Grandmother had big tits, too, probably in the eighties. The whole family, in fact, had big breasts. The kids get a lot of razzing now, but their hubbies will appreciate this family trait someday, I'm sure..."
Mrs. Cleave, forty-two years old, says that having such large breasts are really not that much of a problem for her. She gets her bras made specially at a local custom sewing store. Cups are shipped in from a costume company in New York City.
"Once," added Mrs. Cleave, "I thought about having surgery, just because I was getting so top heavy and all. It's not something I wanted to do but something I thought might be for my own best good. Well, you should have heard the stink my husband raised. You'd think that the whole world was coming to an end. I knew right then that I'd always be just a little top heavy."
So says the woman with the biggest tits in the world-"just a little top heavy."
The largest synthetic breasts are owned and operated by a Miss Alexa Purvey. Alexa is twenty-one years old, lives in Los Angeles and works-you guessed it-as a topless bar maid on Sunset Boulevard.
"I wrote off the operation," says the professional waitress. "Strictly business."
"Surgery," says Dr. Moorehead who performed the operation, "took well over four hours-about a hundred twenty-eight minutes per titty. It's not the kind of operation I like to do single-handed, if you know what I mean," adds the world famous sex organ doctor, "but with Ms. Purvey it was a pleasure-a real, honest-to-goodness pleasure. I'm kind of proud of the end results, too, you know. A matched set in my field is about the best you can do."
The two breasts are a perfect pair of silicon smoothies mounted in plastic flesh cups and sewn over with a natural skin seam which hardly shows at all, unless you happen to glance underneath Ms. Purvey's arms.
The nipples are perfectly formed and colored, thanks to some recent space age technology, and this reporter will tell you happily that sitting in Ms. Purvey's booth on Sunset Boulevard and sucking off a dry martini is just about as fat a pleasure as can be had.
Ms. Purvey's synthetic boobies measure in at one-hundred inches exactly and weight approximately four and one-half pounds each.
BREASTS-SMALLEST
In this category, understandably, there have not been a great many contenders for the record holding position.
However, a set of rules was established and a few participants submitted their measurements. A contender had to be at least twenty-one years old and she had to have had no surgical or hormonal changes done to her body. Measurements were done in terms of nipple size.
The smallest existing breasts in the world belong to Selma L. Ransom who lives in Chicago, Illinois, with her mother and father. Selma's nipples, barely visible to the unaided eye, rise from the surface of her smooth chest just about one centimeter.
BREASTS-UGLIEST
Understandably, again, there were no many contestants in this category. However, we did have some rather remarkable entries nonetheless.
One woman has two breasts which are shaped entirely different from each other. The left tit is about normal in size but there is a single groove running down the middle of the thing and there the skin is hard and reddened. The other tit is deformed and shabby, diminutive and nipple-less.
Another pair of ugly breasts belong to Carol Razbonne from Minnesota. Carol's entire chest is covered with hair, and in particular the nipples boast little patches of pubic strands, all of them long and black. Asked why she doesn't just shave the little buggers away, Carol said, "I've grown used to them now. I used to shave them, when I was a child, but not anymore. Now I comb my chest and that seems to do the job."
Lisa Arnold, from Hollywood, California, boasted that she could tie her tits in a knot. When we challenged her on this boast, she undressed her chest and revealed two of the strangest looking mammaries we've ever seen. They looked like long, fleshy pieces of sausage, and, sure enough, Lisa was able to roll them one around the other in the fashion of a knot.
All three girls were awarded record-holder status trophies for having the ugliest breasts in the world.
CLITORIS
Smallest
The smallest clitoris ever discovered or recorded by medical science belonged to a young Bolivian woman. She complained to her physician about a lack of pleasure during sexual intercourse and he discovered that the young woman had only a slight rise in the anatomy where there should have been the functioning clit button.
There are recorded cases of women who have no clitoral organ whatsoever.
Longest
The size of the clit varies from woman to woman and it often depends on use. The average clitoris, however, if there is such a thing, is usually under one inch long. If a woman with a half-inch clit masturbates regularly, the thing tends to fatten somewhat, to lengthen slightly, and to take on a rather robust form, like any well used muscle. Similarly, if the average clit is not used at all, if the owner never has intercourse, then it will tend to atrophy and will not be predominant in the vagina.
During a moment of sexual excitement, due to the size, is the only time to measure a clitoris. For many years, because of prohibitions against even medical surveys, it was not known to what lengths a woman's clit would grow. Now, however, thanks to the by-products of various psychological sex surveys, we have actual measurements of clit size and shape.
The longest clit of record is three and three-quarters inches soft. This incredible female apparatus belongs to Mrs. Mary Arthur of Deluth, New Jersey. Physicians who examined Mrs. Arthur when she first reported the large clitoris in her vagina, suspected that she had a residual penis. In fact, though, further investigation revealed that Mrs. Arthur's fleshy appendage was quite strictly clitoral in form and function.
Dual Clits
As a matter of record we would be remiss in our duties not to report that a young woman recently checked into the U.C.L.A. Medical Center for a routine examination and it was discovered that she had not one but two hefty little clit buttons. Doctors inspected Ms. McClusky several times and came up with the same startling news, that she was one of the only women in the history of the world to have two clitoris organs. Tests run on the young woman's tactile responses indicate that though she is doubly endowed as far as organs are concerned, she has no special sensual qualities on account of this fact.
Inverted Clits
A common enough problem among the poorly educated, inverted clits are not unique. Such a feature is easily rectified with simple surgical techniques.
The anatomy of the inverted clitoris is fairly simple to understand. Instead of pointing slightly upwards when aroused, the inverted clitoris angles downward, into the vagina but away from the center of action. Sometimes it withdraws entirely.
Modern medicine permits a quick change of this feature and many women who presumed that they would never have a happy sexual experience have been pleasantly surprised with the results from some very simple operations. Inverted clits, simply stated, are no longer the show stoppers they used to be.
CONTRACEPTIVES
According to the findings of a committee headed up by expert birth control specialist Dr. Sherry Keller, The American Birth Control Center has reported more than eight-thousand various ways of preventing conception. Of these there are a handful which qualify as the most popular. (Abstinence is not included.)
Rubbers rate high among the under aged.
Coils and diaphragms seem to run a close second to rhythm for adults.
In the United States, rhythm is the second most popular form of birth control, the pill taking first place by a large margin. Around the world, however, rhythm rates higher.
DILDOS
The largest collection of dildos, privately owned, belongs to Seymour Konstead, a forty-three year old man living in Paris. Mr. Konstead began collecting the phallic objects as a youth, "just after having it on with my first girlfriend. Don't ask me why then, it just happened."
Mr. Konstead's collection dates back to the year 85BC and that particular item is a fifteen inch tool with a five inch handle grip made of polished wood and having been determined to be a standard piece of paraphernalia for that time period in Rome.
The most valuable tool in Konstead's collection is a rather ornate St. Georgian piece studded with diamonds and emeralds and running in the top portion nine inches long and four inches wide. It's been nicknamed by the collector Alexander's Triumph.
Mr. Konstead's collection ranges from the ornate to the ordinary. He includes in the Parisian museum where his tools are on display every sort of phallic device ever invented by man. Where the thing itself no longer exists, Konstead has had another made to match written descriptions. He has battery-operated silent vibrators sitting alongside hand-operated machines more than a thousand years old.
The entire Konstead dildo collection is valued at somewhere around three million dollars.
ERECTION-LONGEST
Statisticians have long sought to measure for all time the longest phallus in history. Carefully honed records of antiquity show just as much interest in this one 'number' as in present day societies. As far back as ancient Rome politicians and lay people alike conjured up images of the biggest, the strongest, the best and the most efficient, and, naturally, the longest.
For present day purposes, during this era of libertarian values and notions, measurement of penis length is usually done with a plastic, pliable ruler, one which will take the shape of the muscle at hand. The measuring device is placed at the hilt of the contestant's tool and the tip of the crown is used as the demarcation point.
The average soft prick, when using this method, stretched to full size, measures in at just under six inches. Naturally, we should stress that a male sex organ of slightly larger or slightly smaller size has no real meaning to anyone except the owner of the organ, if at all. Exceptionally big muscles, as will be discussed below, are often merely a case for curiosity.
The biggest erection ever reported in modern times belonged to Alexander Kendall, age twenty-four at the time of the judgment. His fully aroused penis measured nineteen and one-half inches long.
There are reports of hefty and well-proportioned tools from time to time which defy belief. John Dillinger, for instance, is reported to have had a twenty-two inch meat. It's also rumored that the phallic appendage is on display currently in the Smithsonian Institute.
Our reporters went to Washington and to the Smithsonian Museum and received, upon making the appropriate inquiries, a rather rude turn-down as to the possibility of seeing the Dillinger phallus. Whether or not this means the organ exists, we do not know.
ERECTION-HIGHEST ALTITUDE
There is no accounting for man's (woman's) curiosity about where and when the sexual drives can be consummated. The fact is, however, that a great many people of both sexes have reported that they've had sex under a variety of strange and unconventional circumstances.
Among the most interesting feats of human skill is man's ability to achieve a sexual state in the oddest places. These include the backs of buses, on top of washing machines, under houses, in attics, "in the road" and, as is indicated by the heading of this chapter, in the air.
Jet pilots report that they have stimulated themselves while speeding through the skies on automatic transport. They say that the thrill is rather significantly different than the same-in this case-erection on the ground.
We can only surmise that some of this kind of thing has happened on space launches, but the only known and factual case of an erection at record setting altitudes belongs to Air Force Lieutenant William Benderson.
Benderson, while maneuvering his jet at close to Mach III, managed an eight inch boner at an altitude of nearly thirty miles. He ejaculated at fifty-one miles and remained stiff until his vehicle set down on a carrier in the Atlantic.
Incidentally, Benderson's record setting flight for the erection at the highest altitude also set the record for an erection at the fastest speed. No other man in the history of the world claims to live had a successful emission while traveling at three times the speed of sound.
The runner up in this category goes to a young man from Nashville, Tennisee who requested that we not use his name. He jumped from' a plane at a height of ten miles and instantly opened his parachute and began to masturbate himself. It's not the height, really, which wins this fellow our attention, but the method. He ejaculated-or so he claims-and pulled up his zipper about twenty seconds before hitting the ground.
ERECTION-AT LOW ALTITUDE
Believe it or not, Captain Ralph Loaner reports that he aroused himself in an underwater cabin-a U.S. Navy research facility-on the ocean's floor. He found the experience somewhat more sensuous than had he been at sea level.
"I don't know why," reports Captain Loaner, "but for some reason an erection when you're under two miles of water seems like quite an achievement."
Captain Loaner reported at a later date that he and Ensign Louise Glick experimented sexually under water. They discovered, according to Glick, that intercourse on the ocean floor, inside the right sort of capsule, can be "about ten times more stimulating than you'd expect at sea level.
Maybe it's the sense of danger, or just the sight of Mother Nature's fish swimming by outside, but whatever it is, it's a real turn-on. I'd go down on that thing again just to have a chance to experience the sensuousness of the voyage, you know?"
Loaner himself agreed: "It's a rather unique experience to make love underwater in a capsule because you know that you're doing something that no one before you and no one after you will ever do. You're alone down there, alone with a woman and alone with your thoughts and it's rather romantic. I don't underestimate Glick's importance in this mission, either, but I think you could stick just about any couple down there, underwater, and they'd have a damn tooting good time!"
Other under water erection records include naked intercourse while wearing only a scuba tank, this prize going to Selma and Arnold Jenkins who did the feat of skill in their backyard pool: masturbating into orgasmic ejaculation eight times in a row, this one set by a woman who was working in underground caves in Death Valley. These last awards, though, are fairly minor when compared with Captain Loaner and Ensign Glick's undersea accomplishments.
ERECTIONS-LONGEST SUSTAINED
The longest sustained boner record is probably one of the most difficult almanac figures to determine. Because there are so many stories, so much competition, because so many men like to think that having an erection for five hours is a good thing, there are a number of conflicting pieces of evidence.
For instance: one contestant reported having held an erection for more than two days. He claimed to have had several emissions during that time, and he states that: "I couldn't have done it without my wife. It would have been impossible to stay hard all that time if my little beauty Claire didn't help. You know what I mean? Just impossible?"
Well, as part of the human interest angle on Sex Facts and Sex Figures, we talked to Claire and she told us that her husband is talking out of the top of his hat and that she's lucky if she sees one stiff-one a week on her hubby, let alone something like what he described.
So, as you can see, we had some difficulties putting together a criteria for the longest sustained erection.
Among the strange reports we had there were these:
-An erection ten inches long which lasted for twenty-one hours because of manual stimulation by the man's girlfriend. The effort ended in emission on her palm.
-An erection self-sustained for fourteen hours by a boy who refused to give his name but did mention that his lubricant for the effort was Krisco. (We have nick-named the boy, "The Krisco Kid". )
-An erection held stiff by two young girls on their mutual lover for over eighteen hours. "We figured," said one of the girls, "that it was the best way to punish him when we found out he was double-timing on us. He was sore for two weeks afterwards..." (Nice girls, eh?)
-An erection maintained for nearly two days entirely by intercourse and rubbing against the woman's pussy.
Unable to confirm all the reports into this category, our judges awarded no single prize for the longest sustained boner. However, for the sake of a name, the honorary winner of this year's Longest Erection Time-wise is Elton Mike who strummed himself stiff for three days straight before having it on with his girl friend, Susie: "It was the best I've ever had it," says Sue. "I don't know if it was me or him, but it was utterly terrific! I'm glad he did it!"
Who needs prizes with talk like that?
ERECTIONS-THE MOST INFREQUENT
The man judged to least often get a stiff-one was Allan Garner, an older man living in Wyoming. He prefers that we not name the exact town for bringing some sort of shame on his folkspeople.
Mr. Garner has the dubious distinction of having had only one erection in his entire life. It occurred on January 4, a day after his twenty-first birthday, lasted for about ten minutes, and ended with a brief three-spurt ejaculation.
"I'll never forget that one time," said Mr. Garner. "It was like something I'd waited for all my life. I knew I had problems before then, so it was something I was really looking forward to. My doctor told me that sometimes a functional disorder like the one I got clears up and sometimes it doesn't. Well, you can imagine how good I felt when I got the first boner of my life. I thought for sure I was going to have no more trouble from then on, that girls would just jump on me and keep me happy and the other way around forever. Well, that was forty years ago, you know, and I've had some sex with women anyhow. They don't seem to mind a stiff finger instead of a stiff muscle. I do what I can. I'm still hoping though, that I'll get at least one more hard-on before I die."
If he does get another erection before he dies, then Mr. Garner will be tied for the first place (last place?) in this category. For Leslie Cordoza, from New Mexico, claims to have had only two erections in all forty-nine years of his entire post-pubescent life. "I don't know why God cursed me this way," swears Mr. Cordoza, "but if I could get a boner when I wanted one, I'd give up everything else this life has given me money, house, good looks, charm, you name it: everything for a boner of my own!"
The editors wish Mr. Cordoza, Mr. Garner, and anyone else who entered this particular tourney, all the luck in the world.
THE MOST CONSISTENT ERECTION EVER
There is only one contestant in this very, very unique category. Mr. Adolph Tender from Lansing, Michigan, makes this rather odd claim:
"I get a boner every morning at eight-thirty sharp, ever since I turned fourteen or so, and another one at eight-thirty sharp at night. It's like clock-work. (This one doctor used to kid me and said it was like cock-work. Ha, ha.) Yes, though, it's true. Twelve hours apart, two erections, I don't know why."
We contacted Mr. Tender when we heard of him and asked if there was some way in which we might confirm this strange tale. He said that we were more than welcome to sit with him during a twenty-four hour period, or longer if we so desired, to test the validity of his claims. We could, he said, watch what happened.
Well, we hired a young woman reporter who felt no shame about such things and she went to Lansing and here's what she came back with:
"We rented a room at the Lansing Hospital and Mr. Tender climbed into bed naked. He just laid there with no sheets and I set up a camera, of course, video, to get it all on tape. It was set to take one frame a minute for the entire twenty-four hour test period. Sure enough, just as Mr. Tender claims, he had an erection at eight-thirty and it lasted for a minute and twenty seconds (two frames of video film) and he had another one at eight thirty that night which went for well over three minutes (three frames). It was quite remarkable. He just laid there with his hands under his head, folded behind his back, and at just the times he said an erection sprung up in his crotch. He certainly deserves some sort of a reward in my book, that's for sure!"
Mr. Tender claims that the two erections occur regardless of whatever other sexual activities he might perform in the course of the day.
ERECTIONS-MOST NUMBER OF TIMES
James Sydney Alber claims to have achieved eighteen separate orgasmic erections in a row. The first three took place in one hour and ten minutes. The next ten required forty minutes each. And the last five were separated by two hours each except for the final cuming. That particular emission occurred twenty-one hours after Alber began his abusive project.
He used several sorts of stimulants to make this particular record. He orally consumed some sort of amphetamines, and he was given, i.v., before beginning, a full dose of vitamins. In that supercharged state of bodily preparedness, at the age of eighteen, James Alber set himself a world record.
The feat took place in 1951, and there have been no challengers who came even close to this official mark.
(Future contestants are warned about possible dangers and side-effects from too many erections on one sitting.)
FETISH-LEAST EXOTIC
We actually had a report from a woman in Maine that her favorite fetish required that her husband squeeze her ass at the same time as working his prick to and fro inside her vagina. It seemed to us that this least of all imaginative "fetishes" needed a special mention as "Least exotic".
FETISH-MOST EXOTIC
This is the real category for which we sought all sorts of information.
The most exotic abnormal fixation came to our reporters in Southern France who discovered there a woman who could have an orgasm only if a man's toe was in her mouth. "If I can't suck a man's little toe, I can't cum. I've seen doctors about it, and they've all said the same thing: five to fifteen years on the couch and I might be normal again. So I figure it this way: I can screw and suck toes for five to fifteen years-so who needs to be normal, eh? I have terrific orgasms and I love watching men giggle when I suck off their feet. What more can a girl like me ask from life than a giggle and a toe or two, eh? I ask you, what more..."
Honorable Mention in the Most Exotic Fetish category goes to Miss Sue Anne Rippley, believe it or not, who can cum by rubbing her own arm pits. She demonstrated this strangely erotic technique for one of our more mature reporters. "She uses two fingers in each pit," said the reporter, "and she cums in the usual place."
INTERCOURSE-MOST NUMBER OF TIMES
There is an old wife's tale that if a young woman marries and puts a bean in a bottle for every time she makes love with her husband during their first year together, and then begins removing a bean for every time she makes love to him from then on, that by the time she reaches the end of her marriage she will still have enough beans in that once empty bottle to make porridge.
This particular category, number of times a couple makes love, involves two time periods, one for the most number of times a couple has intercourse in a single session, the other for the most number of times a couple has intercourse in a lifetime.
Naturally, for the first section the contestants were predominantly young people in exceptionally good physical condition. Most of them played some sort of athletics and did considerable jogging.
The winners of that first part of the category, most number of successfully consummated intercourses in a single period, were Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Lenzer from West Germany. They flew into Los Angeles to make sure that their record breaking event was going to be included in our book. They are, by far, the most competitive couple we'd ever seen.
"I liked the idea," said Mrs. Lenzer, "because it gave me a chance to have some fun in a way I like having fun!"
The Lenzers consummated their sexual intercourse no less than twelve times in only four hours.
There were other entries, but no one with a better rate of performance.
As for the lifetime record, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Kenston from Bamph, Alaska, took the trophy. "My wife and I," said Mr. Kenston, "have been screwing since the day we met. In fact, we rarely do anything else at all." There was no way of validating Mr. Kenston's claim, but from talking to him, he seemed an honest man with plenty of integrity.
Mr. and Mrs. Kenston married when they were eighteen and they've had intercourse at least twice a day every day for forty years.
Asked if he thought things might slow down some in the next ten or twenty years-Mr. Kenston is going on sixty-the Senior Cocksman said simply: "I sure do hope not! Me and Lisa have kind of got addicted to it, if you know what I mean."
Yes, Mr. Kenston, I think we do know what you mean...
INTERCOURSE-MOST FATAL
This strange category of sexual events is really not a category at all. It's more like an historical anecdote that we thought you might find interesting...
It seems that in 1854 a young black woman, still a slave in the deep south, seeking her freedom, proposed to her master, a plantation owner, that she be allowed all the privileges common to the white women of the same plantation.
"You've got to be kidding," said Master Henry Smithson, the old white farmer. "Surely you know that for me to give you the same rights as the white women on my property would be tantamount to revolution. Have you been out in the sun too much, Lisa?"
Young Lisa, as buxom a young black as could be, pretty even in her tattered clothes, suggested simply: "I don't want to do this for free, Master. I want to trade you something, to prove to you that I'm a capable woman. I wouldn't ask you for my freedom if I didn't think I deserved it."
"Now just how are you going to do that?" asked the plantation owner, somewhat taken by the young woman's intensity. "Just because you say you're a deserving woman doesn't mean you are?" But already the plantation owner's eyes were drinking in the young black slave's supple flesh. He knew that he could have her if he wanted, but if she were to volunteer her body, to give herself on her own-that would be a really fine piece!
"I know what you need," said the young black temptress, "and I'm willing to give it, Sir. Not just you raping me. I don't mean that kind of sex at all. What I mean is something for you, something to make you really happy."
The young black woman made a daring approach. She came around behind the plantation owner's desk and let her long black fingers slide across his aged fat neck. She let her fingers roam the plantation owner's face and pressed her hand down under his shirt. "I mean something that you'll remember until the day you die, Master. That's the kind of sex I'm talking about."
Well, the record is not totally clear as to how the event itself was arranged. But the facts stand that Miss Lisa Barnes and the plantation owner went upstairs to the master's bedroom, undressed and had intercourse for two days in a row. All the servants and all the white men and women who frequented Henry Smithson's plantation told various stories about the moans and groans they heard coming from that upstairs bedroom.
But one thing that all the witnesses concur on is that when Lisa Barnes left that room, forty-eight hours later, she was a free woman, free like any white woman in that part of the South.
And Master Henry Smithson? He died the next afternoon from physical exhaustion-fucked to death.
INTERCOURSE-MOST UNIQUE
Two circus acrobats, Maria and Larry Hallston, can consummate the act of love-making in the most unique fashion ever recorded.
The couple trained as performers with the B and L Circus for more than ten years before first attempting their incredible feat. "We started," says Larry Hallston, a bronzed, muscular type, "with various lifts and moving pushups-you know, things you do in the air. It's not like we one day decided to fuck while on the wild bar. It's not like that at all."
"No," says Maria, "not at all. It just kind of happened." The buxom performer reports in detail: "I was wearing a simple tights outfit and it came undone while we were in the air. My breast was kind of flopping around and going every which way. Well, Larry came swinging over on the trapeze with a big smile on his face and he kissed my tit in mid-air. It was such a turn on that I just had to challenge him to get the other one, and while I was swinging away from him I undid my other tit. So that was how we got started."
"That's right," continues Larry with a smile on his face, "it was just a question of time after that until we would start trying to screw in midair. There were a lot of troubles working out the mechanics of it all, but eventually we got it down pretty good. Now we can feel each other up while we're on the high bar, masturbate in space, all sorts of things."
"It's really kind of amusing," adds lovely Maria, "to watch Larry go swinging through space with a boner. I mean, the sight of that big thing of his flopping around wildly while he's holding onto the bar with his feet is just too much. When our timing is good, I can suck him off while we swing on parallel bars."
All of this, Sex Facts Fans, is done at a height of forty feet or more with no net. So, it's hats off to the naked trapeze artists, Maria and Larry Hallston, acrobats extraordinaire!
INTERCOURSE-THE LONGEST ORGASM
Naturally, it's hard to find a real and valid record for something like this. But we've gone with the story reported to us by a fellow who used to be in burlesque. Charley Knocker tells about the time he saw a very strange act performed in Baltimore, Maryland.:
"I used to do stage shows, the old days in vaudville. It was kind of a thing, you know, to get up on stage, do a few one liners, and then to be followed out by some girls who do strip acts. You know the scene. Really everyone there is just waiting for the one-liners to get done and the sex stuff to start. So that's how it was at the Lipton Showcase, too.
"Well, one night I finish up my act and put on my top hat and start off stage, as usual, and the owner of the theater pulls me aside just as I'm about to go back to my dressing room. Believe me, when you've seen one striptease after another for six months you go back to your dressing room wondering what to do that night instead of thinking about the sex.
"But on this night, like I said, the owner, Denny, pulls me aside and says, 'Hey, Charley, get a load of this couple tonight. They do something special.' Well, he could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't buying, but then he says, 'I mean it, kid. Go out in front and have a seat and watch these two at work. They're something else.' So I went out in front and sat down to watch.
"Well, the drummer gave them a pretty good roll, just to bring them out, and, wouldn't you know it, out from behind those old silky red drapes came one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen in my life. I mean this broad was really something special. She was built like a brick shithouse, and she moved like an angel. It was everything I could do to just keep sitting there and gawking instead of running up onto the stage and telling her that she didn't belong in the Lipton or in burlesque.
"With her was this kind of tall, muscular type. They told me later that it was her husband but I don't believe it. I think he was really just some sort of a stud that she used in the act, if you know what I mean. I mean, the girl was something special, really, and it was her that made the act.
"I know that might sound a little funny, but it was more her way of going about doing things. She pulled off her clothes so sensuously, and she moved, slithered really, up and down the stage showing off her perfect body.
"What few people there were in the audience perked up. One fellow-you know how it is in burlesque shows: people sleep and wake up for the sleep again, and it's kind of an all day affair of some sort-well, anyhow, one fellow who must have been asleep so long that a crust had formed, sat up and just about climbed out of his seat when this voluptuous naked babe started talking and he saw her. It must have looked to him like an apparition of his dream girl had walked onto the stage. She was that pretty.
"The guy up in the back of the theater went so far as to give her a baby-pink spotlight which meant that he had to change filters which meant if he was willing to go to all that trouble that this girl was really something for him, too.
"Well, anyhow, she strutted up and down the stage telling these guys that what she was about to do with her stud partner was an amazing thing that they'd only have a chance to see once.
"Naturally-you know what guys are like when they have had a few and they're waiting for the act to get on-a few of the guys started jeering and making cat calls, hooting and what-not, and this princess just leaned over, let her big soft tits hang down in that dusty spot light and she took one finger and slid it into her glowing wet snatch and pulled out some of the juice and spread it on her extended nipple. 'Now how's that grab you, boys?' she asked, making a soft little semi-circle on her titty. 'You like?'
"Well, I don't have to tell you what a wail that little tit rub got. Everyone was awake.
" 'What we're going to do for you,' said the fellow with her, 'is to perform the one and only act of love.' A young girl came from stage right pushing a bed on wheels. It was decorated with glitter on the sides. The fellow put his hand on it and brought it to stage center, smiled and thanked the stage hand, patted her on the buns and turned back to the audience. 'We're going to perform the one and only act of love for you until you all go home. We're going to fuck our brains out here in front of you for so long that you'll leave today and come back tomorrow and we'll still be doing it!'
"Well, it was quite a brag. The girl came over and undressed him, unzipped his fly, you know, and pulled out his wiener, took off his shirt, and helped him with his pants the rest of the way.
" 'He's right,' she said, fondling his joint until it was stiff. 'We're going to perform intercourse for five hours straight.'
"Well, to make a very long story short, that's what they did. They climbed up on the glitter bed and she spread her legs and he mounted her. He moved slow for the first hour, and then, when she started to get turned on some, they changed positions. They did it upside down and right side up in front of us up on that bed on the stage. They kept doing it for what seemed like an eternity. No matter what the guys called out at them they just kept fucking. It was extraordinary. It was like they were a movie or something, those two sensuous bodies rolling and pumping and heaving and humping up on the glitter bed on that stage at the Lip-ton for as long as there were people in the audience.
"I think they must have fucked like that for about seven hours. It was really amazing. Kind of like marathon dancing only screwing. I think it was the best I ever saw."
We confirmed Charley Knocker's eyewitness account through a back issue of the Baltimore Press. Indeed, young Sylvia Fish and Ernie Brite performed intercourse in front of a live audience for seven hours and twenty-two minutes on August 7, 1951, in front of a live audience at the Lipton Showcase Theater.
LESBIAN-OLDEST
The infamous, London-born lesbian "bull dyke", Lady Corinne Totely, who died in the Greek Isles on September 2, 1970 at the age of sixty-two was known to have had more than ll,500 sexual experiences with women during her widely publicized lifetime. Lady Totely's collection of dildoes, which was bequeathed to the Stacey Street Museum, numbered 248 and is valued in excess of $55,000.00. Her tongue was reputed to have been nine inches long and according to her closest friends, Lady Totely thought nothing of using it on whim. According to friends, Lady Totely masturbated twice daily with the aid of her favorite dildo, a Siamese "decatus" which measured 19.6 inches in length and 4.5 inches in diameter.
Lady Totely's particular fetish for masturbation reached incredible and unheard of intensity just before her death when she peeled off her clothes in the presence of five young homosexual women and ate each of the pretty hangers-on into orgasm twice in a row.
Doctors believe that the record setting Lesbian died from chocking on a pubic hair lodged between her palate and vulva.
LESBIAN-BIGGEST BREASTS
Angelia Hays didn't really have the biggest breasts so much as the most unusual set. Unlike normal women, Ms. Hays had three gargantuan titties, the third placed where the normal cleavage would be, the other two spaced slightly further apart than usual on her chest. All told, the three tits weigh in at about nine pounds and measure off at fifty-four inches exactly.
Friends and lovers of Ms. Hays claim that it was always a pleasure to bed down with this strangely endowed homosexual girl because she had so much to give. "I remember," says her infamous companion, Heddy Arnold, "the night I first sucked off that middle titty. It was like arriving in heaven. I kept counting, one-two-three!
It was outrageous! Do you believe how hot I got? My pussy just leaked from looking at that incredible threesome, let alone from having it square between my lips for a sucking. Mmmmm, it makes my mouth water just to remember. It's kind of sad to think about though because I don't know another such woman in the world with breasts like that. It would be nice if I could meet someone else with that extra breast. Oh, goodness, I am rambling a bit ... "
Needless to say, Ms. Hays impressed all of her young Lezzie lovers with her additional mammary flesh, and it was, we are told, her Ace in the Hole, as it were, for seducing border-line bi-sexuals. They all seemed to go with Ms. Hays because she had that little something extra!
LESBIAN-MOST ATHLETIC
This prize goes to two people, really. Twin homosexual girls Mary and Melinda, now twenty-eight years old, have won amateur prizes in no less than fifteen sports, all of them in competition, naturally, with other young women. Swimming, tennis, and golf are the sports the young twins began in, but they quickly progressed to private performances in which they applied their natural agility to acts of a sexual nature. They proved themselves capable of all sports of endurance when they were hired for a benefit ball in which they ate each other non-stop for fourteen hours. The scene was mounted on a merry-go-round apparatus which gave a full view of all aspects of this "tourney" to the mingling crowd of charity donors. The benefit was a fabulous suckcess, raising more than dollars for the needy.
LESBIAN-MOST-LIKEABLE
This is not a question of taste. Rather, there was only one contender and she won, as it were, hands down and tongue flapping. Her name is Sister Margret Louise, a former disciple of Christ's own church, and she lays claim to the most-likeable Lesbian category because more women have approached her for sex than any other Lesbian now living.
"I don't know what my special appeal is," said the six-six Lezzie as she spoke with our interviewer in her apartment in Malibu. "Sometimes I think it's my beach house and that people just want to use me."
She undressed for us later, though, and revealed that she has not one cunt, but two. "You see," she noted, pointing out her strangely endowed crotch, "ever since I was a little girl people have been fingering my two slits and telling me that I have something special. My mother was the first. She told me when I was eight that unlike other girls I had something unique that other girls might envy or like me for. She spread my legs out and peeled back the labia on my two holes and showed me that I had two of what she had only one. I asked her if it was really so abnormal and she just smiled and said, 'Darling, don't you worry about a thing. I think you're going to have twice as much fun as all the other girls, that's all. Just don't you worry about a thing.' You know what? My mom was right. I've had the time of my life fucking with these two holes. I started with men and I found out that they were so taken with the two beaver pies that it was distracting. I went to girls and women from then on, and it's been nonstop. I had to break two appointments just to be with you here today. You know how it it. Some of these girls come together. They figure, Oh, two holes? Two girls. It's not really like that. I mean, I don't think that just because I have two vaginas that I should have two lovers simultaneously, but who am I to say. They pay, you know, and that's something. Look around you here and you'll see that I'm able to afford some of the nicer things in life just because of these two little holes. Really, it's because of that one extra one. Would you like a closer look?"
Naturally, our reporter, in the interest of accurate journalism, accented when given this rare opportunity to inspect one of nature's strangest little craters. He reports below:
"It's a concave aperture located just below the usual one vagina. Only that usual gash is slightly higher in the crotch, a bit up on the mound, but not so high that it would be confused with Sister Margret's navel. Both holes are covered with a tightly-knit patch of pubic hair. At first sight one only sees the single beaver pelt, not the two sets of lips. But something beckons to the viewer, asks you to look twice, as it were, and sure enough, there is good reason. The second set of lips, a ruby color and rich with juice, appears somewhat diminutive on first inspection, but a still closer look reveals that the dual vagina is perfectly formed, smooth and slippery. I was allowed, in the interests of this report, to finger the flesh notch, and believe-me, with my eyes closed I couldn't tell the difference. Just for the sake of experimentation I asked Sister Margret if I couldn't put a finger in each hole at the same time and she agreed. (For a confirmed Lesbian, you know, this is quite a trusting attitude.) I found the sensation of having fingers from the same hand buried in two soft bodily entrances at the same time rather appealing, and I can only imagine that this is part of this wonderful woman's great charm."
Later in the interview, our reported asked: "What prompted you, Sister Margret, to join the nunnery, if you don't mind my asking?"
"Well, you know, having two vaginas isn't easy on a girl. I lost my confidence for a time and thought that the service of God was a good way to get it back. Little did I know. When I was caught by a Priest masturbating both holes at once one night, he insisted that I resign from the cloth. By then, of course, having had it on with a good many of the nuns and all, I didn't mind so much. Nowadays, in case your readers are interested, I have a class I teach in sexual acceptance. It's called, 'If I can make, so can two!' Kind of cute, eh?"
We have to agree. Sometimes, it seems, two holes are better than one!
LESBIAN-MOST MASCULINE
There was a woman born in the South of France-her case is recorded in most medical journals of the period-in 1892 with a fully developed penis just above her pussy. She chose, it turns out, to use her dual organs in satisfying young girls of peculiar sexual bent.
Miss Josephine Rooter was regularly employed as a dock worker when she moved from France to San Francisco, and there, for fifteen years, she led a double life in character as well as in body. She worked among the men of the docks as one of them, swearing, lifting, eating and drinking as they did. None of the workers knew that at night, when she returned home to her wharf-side apartment, Miss Josephine was the hostess for some of the wildest Lezzie orgies ever to have brightened San Francisco's social calendar.
When the dock workers did find out that their supposed "buddy" was a transvestite, they attacked her, defiled her body with several "rear assaults" and, finally, in one of the most vicious acts ever incurred by a Lesbian, castrated the male organ.
Josephine came out of hiding a year later and continued, albeit heart-broken, as an ordinary Lesbian until her death in 1941.
LESBIAN-MOST PERVERSE
It's not entirely fair to say that Carmela Sweet was the "most perverse" Lesbian whoever lived. But the fact of her strange anatomy inspired in others such strange sexual behavior that Carmela herself seemed doomed to take on the foul reputation which follows her to this day.
Born in a small Kansas town to struggling farmer parents, Carmela quickly learned, even as a child, that something was not quite right with her physiognomy. At first her parents kept their concern and their only natural fears from Carmela, but soon enough she learned that she was not in every way "all there". And she discovered once and for all, when she witnessed accidentally her parents at play one night, that she herself was not ordinary. She realized, on seeing the method in which her father had intercourse with her mother-entering a hole in the front of Mrs. Sweet's body, that a woman's vagina-that she herself had no such hole. Yes, strange as it seems, Carmela Sweet was born with no vagina at all. She had only an ass-hole.
After the doctor's visits and the sorrowful looks of various specialists, Carmela gave up all hope of ever being normal and with the onset of puberty began her strangely lecherous career with the perverse. While other high school girls were out parking at drive-in movies and trying to keep their hymens in tack, Carmela was doing everything she could just to keep the single dark secret that she had no vagina let alone a ribbon of honor. When she went out with a boy she had good reason to let him go only so far-with her breasts and kissing-for what if, reasoned the terrified adolescent, this or that boy should discover that between her legs there was pubic hair but only pubic hair-no slippery little hole, just the bush.
As time went on poor Carmela realized that the source of her own satisfaction sexually would have to come through her mouth, and, finally, her anus. Her first dates left her horny and frustrated until she discovered that, by going home and fingering her ass-hole and sucking her thumb, she could achieve something akin to orgasm. Of course, she had no way of knowing if the anal contractions in her back door were anything like the real McCoy, but she soon learned that comparing her thrill with some other woman's vaginal delight was a useless, pessimistic exercise in self-abuse. Real joy, for Carmela Sweet, would have to come from the only place possible.
She went through a period of acceptance and denial aggravated by extremes of sexual activity. She would demand-this was after graduation from high school-that her date for the night allow her to suck him off, to play with his balls, to feel him up, but she would not allow that man to have anything to do with her own body.
Then she went to the other side of the spectrum, and it was then that her career as the perverse woman began. She demanded that her male and female friends alike pay special attention to her anus. It was, after all, everything for her. She would have her men, somewhat taken by the lack of her normal organ, finger her anus, play with it until she had what looked like a climax. She would insist that they butt fuck her and penetrate deep into her backside. After all, what other pleasure did the poor girl have in life.
Soon enough the word spread through that small Kansas town that young Carmela Sweet was an anal nymphomaniac. Only the townspeople, somewhat provincial in their thinking, were not so nice about the words they used to slander and abuse young Carmela. They called her "a cheap whore" and "a no good slut". They said she "slept around" and that she "abuses herself". Finally, as reported in the Kansas News, "Miss Carmela Sweet, aged twenty-one, was asked by the townspeople of Norfolk to take up residence outside of the county line. No reasons were cited for the somewhat unusual request presented by that city's Mayor."
And so it was that Carmela Sweet was forced to give way to public opinion. She left Kansas and took up residence, more or less by chance, in New York City. Seeking anonymity, hopeful that she might find acceptance without abuse, the young, strangely deformed woman, began a new life in the "big city".
But there, too, the only use people had for the girl was her unique ability to have intercourse in her ass-hole. Even though it was not her choice to live and love in that manner, she made the best of it, despite the opinions of her often cruel friends who chose to use the young woman.
Finally, in a fit of anger and rage and tired and frustrated with all of the problems she was having in finding love in a conformist world, Miss Sweet decided to make a living using her one defect and her one, no pun intended, asset. She hired herself out for pornographic movies and stills and began displaying her hairy hole-less crotch.
At first she received a comparative pittance for such exhibitionistic acts, but then, when an enterprising movie producer realized what a gold mine lay between those barren thighs, he gave Carmela Sweet a contract for all the performances she'd care to do in front of a thirty-five millimeter camera. She was allowed, finally, to name her own terms.
It was in this manner that Carmela Sweet became famous as The Most Perverse Lesbian of All Time. She made love in front of the camera to women with strap-on dildoes, to men with hard-ons the size of two by fours, and always in her ass-hole. She did it with dogs and with young boys and with just about any sort of tool ever invented for the fun of sex-always with her baren crotch, that smooth space where there should have been a hole, in the foreground.
She made a small fortune using this deformity of the flesh, and it is a tribute to her strength as a human being that she managed to survive the abuse hurled at her for possessing one of the ordinary two pelvic orifices.
Miss Sweet retired from show business about two years ago and prefers that we not say exactly where she's currently living. In the hopes that she finds our use of her strange life story a small recompense for the pains she suffered, we honor Carmela Sweet as The Most Perverse Lesbian and The Most Interesting.
LESBIAN-LONGEST TONGUE
This category deserves some careful consideration and a bit of explanation.
For homosexual women, the size and shape of the partner's oral appendage can be of particular importance. A short, squat tongue shape, for instance, might well be of use to the woman who enjoys clitoral excitement above all others. That same small mouth organ might be useful, too, for reaming and slopping.
Contrariwise, however, a longer, fatter tongue is probably the most preferred shape for the homosexual woman in search of deep vaginal stimulation. With this latter sort of muscle, the woman under attack is more-likely to enjoy the obvious sensual thrill of constant thrusting excitement induced in the oral manner.
So it is that we feel it's necessary to single out at least one woman with a rather especially well-endowed mouth.
Susan Ranger, born in New York City and since settled in Los Angeles, boasts a mouth muscle eight inches long, "and even longer when I'm excited." Doctors tested Miss Ranger's mouth for this final claim and found, indeed, that when she becomes aroused her tongue fattens and lengthens, not unlike the manner in which a man's penis extends in the erect state for performing the act of intercourse.
Our reporters took special interest in Miss Ranger's tongue and paid her a visit in her Hollywood Hotel. There in the privacy of her penthouse suite, Miss Ranger talked a mile a minute about what it's like to be the owner of the longest, most satisfying tongue in the world:
"Well, you know, I myself don't regard this natural asset as any particular great achievement. Sherry, here-come over, darling, and say hello to this nice man, he's going to put us in his book about sex facts and sex figures and all, so say hello-"
Miss Ranger's roommate, and we assumed correctly, it turned out, her lover, joined the romantic Lesbian on her bed.
"-sit down, Sherry. I was just telling this gentleman about how I personally don't think it's such a bit thing to have a large tongue but how you find it rather enticing."
At this point Miss Ranger's voluptuous friend spoke up for herself:
"Yes, it's a fact, Miss Ranger's tongue does things for me that nothing else in this world can. If you don't mind my saying this, it's something that can't be beat. I know you men think that having a big penis is all important, but to a young Lesbian like myself, Susan's tongue is everything. It's long and wet and soft and when she gets me aroused with it, I swear to you, it gets harder and it makes me cum so fast that I can't believe it."
"Now, now," interrupted the woman with the longest Lezzie tongue in the world, "Let's not exaggerate." She polished her nails off on the lapel of her silk housecoat, a frilly little thing revealing her splendid thighs and the tops of her smooth breasts. "It's not something that deserves so much attention."
At this point our reporter asked if he couldn't just have a little look-see at the tongue itself. Miss Ranger, rather open about such things, stuck out her tongue, slowly, until it reached full-length. "There it is," she gurgled, "all eight inches of it-and then some."
"Here," said Sherry, reaching over between the older woman's thighs, "show him how it gets stiff." She spread Miss Ranger's legs and fiddled some with that woman's mound. A moment later, strange as it may seem, Miss Susan Ranger's tongue stiffened like an erect tongue.
"So you see," the Lesbian said a little later, "it's not so unusual now, is it?"
LESBIAN-SMALLEST
It's only fitting that we mention the name of Miss Alexandra George, or Alex, as she prefers to be called.
Alex is a midget woman who stands two-feet two-inches high and refuses to have sex with anyone who is not herself female. That is to say, Miss George will have intercourse with tall women, fat women, and short women, but she will not, even if a midget male approaches her, consider sex with a man.
Miss George reached her full height at the age of nine. She's now thirty-five and she claims to have climbed between the legs of some of the biggest female movie stars you've ever heard of. "I don't call myself a groupie," says the little woman, "but I do like those ladies who have gone someplace in this world, who have left a mark. And I think they like me for the same reason. I'm not saying that I'm as important to the culture as a B--L----or a J--D-----, but I do mean to say that to those two women, I'm just about the most important person they ever met. Let's face it, at my height I can get around pretty quick in those small places and I'm willing to do that, too. I like licking and sucking the best with my girls, and my size is the thing that makes it possible for me to be good. Luckily, I have a normal sized tongue. I can crawl around between their legs and get right up into the mound and give them the satisfaction they really crave. You know what I mean? It's fabulous for me to be such a giver, eh? Last week I was in a hotel with a woman who's name I can't mention because she's just starting her career-those other older Lezzies are already on the top of the heap and nothing can hurt them-and she was-utterly nervous and confused until I climbed up on her chest-I only weigh fourteen pounds-and did a little toe-dance on her nipples. Now I ask you: could anyone but a midget Lezzie do that for a woman?"
No. Emphatically no! Congratulations, Alex George: you are The Smallest Lesbian in the history of the world!
LESBIAN-OLDEST LIVING
Syd Karen Rutger turned ninety-nine just as this book went into print. Four months before, at Ms. Rutger's Long Island estate in New York, our reporter interviewed the oldest living Lesbian and recorded this report:
"I'm so glad you were able to come today," said Ms. Rutger. "It's not often I get visitors anymore, except of course for some of my old lovers. And there aren't many of them left kicking and kissing, you know. I think I'm still the most active. Of course, I always was the one with a quick tongue and the hottest lips. Not that that's necessarily the only criteria for being a good lover. Why, even in my day they were starting in with the tools and what not. You know how everything had to be modern and all, well, I should say that didn't dent my style. Real women-you know what I mean by real women, don't you? I mean the sort of a gal who can take a dildo up her butt and make a cum in a jiffy-well, such like that are always going to be hard to find. No artificial anything can replace that in a woman, as you must know from your own hetero experience. But where was I?"
(Because of her age, the elderly Lesbian has a tendency to wander somewhat. We've edited down some of what follows so that her points are a little more obvious.)
" ... so that it seemed to me that a woman's age wouldn't matter all that much. So I invited her back to the house, last week. And wouldn't you know it, we got it on in a jiffy, just like the old days? Imagine me and an eighty-year old woman rubbing our dry old cunts together. Isn't that the kind of thing people call romantic still? We must have gone through a ton of juices, but believe you me, it's that more than anything that can keep a woman going into her nineties. Believe you me, sonny, if you fuck enough, you can live forever."
So says the oldest bull dyke known to man.
LUBRICANTS-ANAL
We were hard put to come up with the best possible anal lubricant. A great many salves and greases have been used throughout time for the purpose of rear-entry sex, both in heterosexual and in homosexual contact.
Whatever sex preference, it seems that the most used lubricant for the occasional anal penetration is ordinary table butter or margarine. It's not so much the greasy quality of the item, according to our research, but its availability. It seems that most people who try the anal approach once in a while do it in a relatively unprepared and spontaneous manner and butter is "what happens to be around".
For planners, however, there is the traditional jar of vaseline which comes in handy. Sometimes a mixture is used, vaseline and something to give it a better, more slippery feel, more oily.
But the all time sex lubricant for specifically anal sex, as any experienced housewife will tell you, is polyunsaturated corn oil.
LUBRICANTS-VAGINAL
In this category it would be foolish indeed for us to say that there is one particular grease used all the world round for all time. Rather, from era to era, from century to century, the search for a perfect vaginal lubricant has turned up something different and appropriate to every age.
In Ancient Greece, for instance, where the olive was the symbol intelligence and artful passion, olive oil, naturally, was the preferred cunt goo. Spread between the lips of a ripe young Greek girl, such a salve was both functional and edible, if necessary.
In France, during the middle ages, the scent of berries freshly picked was added to a fractionated oil called "dry-salve". The berries activated the key ingredient, an aphrodisiac which brought the male's ardour to a feverish pitch, and so the mixture served the double purpose of raising the passions and greasing the path simultaneously.
In modern times, in Sweden, for instance, Stay Lube is the most purchased vaginal juice on the market. The promoters claim that Stay Lube allows a slippery entry three times in a row-that's three orgasms, not three thrusts-and that it has a drying power which makes a cunt stay juicy wet but not sloppy. An interesting chemical invention!
Glo-Lube, manufactured in Spain, is for bashful lovers who work only in the dark. It "marks the place" as it were and gives those brave enough to open their eyes an iridescent target while also lubricating the point of entry.
Of course, it's probably needless to say but we'll add it anyhow, vaginal juices collected from slightly pubescent virgins has the all-around perfect consistency which all other "manufacturers" are constantly attempting to imitate. Bottled and corked tightly, this particular juice has a shelf-life of just over eight years which is coincidentally just about the same time that the donor would turn twenty-one.
MASTURBATION-FEMALE: MOST UNUSUAL
This is perhaps the broadest category of Sex Facts And Sex Figures. There are so many ways that women masturbate, and so many books out on the right technique and the right tool, that it's practically impossible to actually come up with the most unusual method of female self-stimulation.
That's not to say that our editors haven't given the subject careful consideration, however.
First, let's list some of the mildly strange forms of masturbation which we discovered in our research in this area.
There is the case of a woman in her early twenties who used an industrial light bulb of three-hundred watts to fill her sumptuous cunt and achieved such an incredible orgasm that she wrote the company who makes the bulbs and requested a plastic mold of the thing. She was afraid that the next time she used it there might be some risk of the thing hurting her. The company happily sent her a large plastic bulb identical to the one she'd used. That is one of the less ordinary dildoes ever used for self-consummating.
Among the more prosaic forms of self-help, there are the frozen banana, the hot dog, and, of course, the old fashioned door-knob. More inventive women have come up with sculpted fingers and hand-crafted cocks to fit their own shapes and needs.
But by far the most unusual form of masturbation that we've heard tell of was that used regularly for a period of two years by an underwater enthusiast named Jenny Parks. Miss Parks describes what was for a while her only source of sexual satisfaction in her own words:
"I guess I was a rather unusual teenager back then. I was interested in boys but deathly scared of them. I had a good body. You know, good breasts, firm thighs, and a nice smooth belly. I'm not bashful to say things about myself anymore, but back then it was everything I could do even to think about myself as a sensuous woman.
"Well, all of that self-consciousness drove me literally underground. But I mean, of course, underwater. I started taking scuba diving lessons. Now you might think this is a long way around to get to my particular form of self-satisfaction, but like I said, I was very shy then and that's why all the contortions in this regard. You see, I started taking the scuba diving lessons so that someday I could go out on my own, in my own little undersea world and experiment with my body. I know how silly it sounds now but it's true.
"Well, I learned quickly and pretty soon I was a qualified teenager diver. I made my first trip underwater alone with enough oxygen to last for a half-hour.
"I hit the ocean floor and pulled open the crotch of my wet suit. The feel of the salty ocean water running into my cunt was like a rush of chills, like something thrilling and perfect and juicy. It was what I needed. I sat there on the sandy bottom of the sea with my legs spread and my fingers working on my hot little clit and I masturbated myself in the privacy of the ocean. When I came, finally, that first time, my mask slipped off and I was swallowing water. Naturally, I went up and made proper adjustments. I was relieved to know that I could actually accomplish underwater what I couldn't dare to think of in the 'real' world.
"Well, the next time down it was just as good. I didn't leave go of my mask though, and I was able to have a multiple thrill.
"But after a few more diving sessions, I got bored. Well, one afternoon a non-stinging eel came by. Don't ask me how I did it, but I netted that creature and worked him up between my legs. In his frantic efforts to get away, that rubbery tail of his lashed in my cunt, between my lips, against my clit, and gave me the joy and the excitement my suppressed body craved. I let him go when I climaxed and prayed that he'd be there when I next needed him.
"Sure enough, the very next afternoon, swimming those same waters, I found my friendly eel-tool.
"And that's how it was for me for two years. I don't know why that eel kept coming back to let me use his flagellating tail, and I don't know why he disappeared when he did.
"But that's the true story-honest to God-about how I got through a very difficult adolescence."
OLDEST FEMALE MASTURBATOR
Glenda Rose, an octogenarian from St. Thomas Island, was evicted from her apartment on April 4, 1976, when she woke up, for the fifth consecutive night, every tenant in her fourteen unit apartment building, with loud wailing and passionate sobbing.
The landlord, forced to comply with the requests of the disturbed renters, was surprised to find that Mrs. Rose, a widower of some twenty years, was entirely alone in her dwelling. She refused to explain in any way the reason behind her midnight wails.
When history repeated itself about a month later, in her next home, Mrs. Rose's new neighbor's were in no way polite about their breaking and entering to find out what was going on.
They discovered the old woman sitting propped up against the back of her bed with her bony thighs spread wide and her fingers pumping madly at her moistly warm pussy. The neighbors backed out of the apartment in awe-for some of them it was uplifting to know that old age held some surprises-and one of the witnesses reported the event.
A month later Mrs. Rose checked in with her physician who insisted that Glenda perform the said acts in his presence so that he could record for all of medical science Mrs. Rose's long lived sex-drives. His brief description follows:
"I wasn't sure that I should ask the patient to actually demonstrate the act itself, but as a test against her senility-I was betting that she told the truth-I persisted until she agreed. She asked me where I would like her to masturbate and I took her into the back examining room. She sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs. Her face filled with color, a sign for me that her heart was in good shape. Before beginning she warned me about the cries she tended to make in her aroused state, and she suggested that if she became too carried away that I interrupt her and have her cease the activity. Then she laid down and in a very sensuous way proceeded to tantalize her wetting lips. A moment later she began heaving her aged pelvis, rubbing her fingers hard on her vulva and, fearing that she might hurt herself, I attempted to stop her from pursuing orgasm. She pushed me away, and I realized that she was approaching that same crazed state about which her neighbors had complained and she had warned me. No amount of talking would bring the old woman down. Soon I realized that there was no sense in stopping her. (Why deny an old woman what pleasure she has left to her?) She proceeded to finger her cunt into a lather of plentiful clitoral juices, as much as one would find in a woman thirty years Mrs. Rose's junior, and she quickly approached climax. It was then that she began making her fierce wails in the loudest possible way. I was fearful that my other patients in the waiting room would become agitated so I quickly informed a nurse to shut all the doors between that examining room and the outer quarters. When I next looked back at Mrs. Rose she had one hand under her buttocks and was fingering her anus while the other continued to work at her vagina. Clearly, she was in the throes of an all-consuming orgasm. Not knowing for sure how much she could take, I risked offending her by putting my stethoscope to her chest and listened carefully. Everything was in order, more so than one would have expected from a woman her age. A few moments later the orgasm ended and as if coming from another land, out of a trance and back to reality, the old woman sat up and asked me where she was. A few moments after that she'd collected her thoughts, thanked me for reassuring her that there was nothing the matter with a woman her age having sex, and left my office in good spirits."
YOUNGEST FEMALE MASTURBATOR
Infantile masturbators are, though not common, a matter of observed fact. As to the nature of the orgasm, the feelings the child has, no one knows for sure if these things compare to the same adult experience. But many a bemused mother has had the somewhat uneasy feeling on discovering her four-year-old daughter fingering herself with a look of innocent lechery pursed in the lips.
From the age of five and older, masturbation becomes somewhat more common, especially among young girls allowed to experience their bodies in the free and easy manner to which island peoples are accustomed. When the drive is not inhibited, and when the child is not yet ready for mature sex, it seems only natural.
Pubescent girls, of course, find masturbation to be the perfect preparation for sex itself. Here the youngest known case is of an eight year old girl who had fully developed sexual organs and plenty of pubic hair before her parents even knew what was happening. Shocked by the sudden development of total physical maturity in their child, Mr. and Mrs. Gards took their womanly eight year old daughter to a physician who suggested after examining the ripe girl that she be encouraged to consummate sex by using her fingers in the hope that such activity would forestall the obvious and inevitable course of events-that the child, at the age of eight, was ready for sex with mature adults. He hoped that if the child masturbated her womanly vagina, that then she would avoid the social problems for which she was not mentally prepared. The plan worked and the Gard's daughter, it is reported, delayed having normal intercourse until she turned ten.
MALE MASTURBATION-COMPETITIVE
The fastest ejaculation ever reported was had by one Kenneth Draw who went from a semi-soft state of arousal to total erection and complete emission in just under six seconds. Of the eighteen participants in the contest Draw was the youngest, eighteen. The last place contestant, Sydney Court, thirty-two, consummated his arousal after seventy-five minutes of steady pumping. When asked later why it took him so long and how he thought he'd had a chance in the contest, Mr. Court said simply: "I don't know. When I practiced just before the contest began I came off in about eight seconds."
YOUNGEST MALE MASTURBATOR
Mrs. Claire Raleigh of Selma, North Dakota, reported to her family physician that her baby boy, aged ten months, had taken to systematically rubbing his genitals every afternoon. The physician told Mrs. Raleigh to keep careful track of the boy's premature sex activity. She reported back a few weeks later that the baby was then going to great lengths to peel down his diapers and develop an erection. Before the boy turned a year old he'd had his first ejaculation. The activity persisted for about six months and ended, coincidentally, perhaps, with the boy's first spoken word: "Ma'am-ma .
OLDEST MALE MASTURBATOR
When Leonard Whigs made his phallic brag to the younger company around him, that he "could still get it on" despite his hundred and two years, the male members of the gathering at Whigs' house scoffed a bit and hooted at the centurion.
But Betty Lance, who's name has been changed here per her request for anonymity, stayed behind at Mr. Whigs' house and asked him if he really meant what he said about still being able to have sex.
"With a little help," said the old man, "I can do just about anything."
"Well," says Betty in her report to our editors, "I was willing to give that old man all the help he wanted. He had such a nice twinkle in his eye, and such rosy cheeks for his complexion that I just couldn't resist. I offered to do anything at all for him that he might want.
"Well, wouldn't you know it? He already had something in mind.
"He had me pull the living room blinds and lock the front door and help him with his pants. Then he sat down in his rocker with his hand around his thing and started tugging. 'You, little girl, you undress and that's all the help I need. That'll show those whipper-snappers.' I asked him if that was all he wanted from me, if he wouldn't prefer that I suck him or something, and he said that I should listen to my elders, that it was a question of honor, and that he could damn well do it himself. So I stripped and did what he asked me to do, to spread my legs and show him my cunny and to bend over and let him peek in my ass-hole, and to stand up right close to him while he was jerking on his meat, and I did all of that, and wouldn't you know it? He came right off, spurting out those cum wads on my belly as thick and warm as if he were fifteen or something. I didn't believe my eyes.
"After that we did some real sex, too, but he didn't cum a second time. You can't expect everything from a man a hundred-two, you know, but it's still some sort of a record, I think. I heard about you folks putting together all this information on sex and all, and wanted to make sure that you included Mr. Whigs. He's some old fellow, the younger guys could take a lesson from him!"
NECROPHILIA
Morticians, a strange breed of scientist in the first place, are often suspected of some very odd kinds of behavior. like the doctor who has access to narcotics and becomes an addict, so it is from time to time, with the man who last views the dead before burial. Alone in his laboratory with a tragically dead accident victim-a young woman who's flesh is still warm, who offers no resistance whatsoever, who in every way but one is perfect-temptation might get the best of the mortician's professional scruples.
In the case of Mr. Craig Bordia (1893-1961), an English morgue's man who worked in the London Crematorium, it seems that the spector of death and the late hours and his life as a bachelor all conspired to make him give way to such temptation as described above no less than sixty-seven times.
Confessional papers-the guilty scribblings of a man crazed with lust and loneliness-were found among Bordia's personal belongings subsequent to his stroke-caused death. The entry which follows, duplicated here by permission of Mr. Bordia's colleague, controller of the mortician's estate, was one of the last. It was dated January 2, 1960:
"I wonder if I dare to confess to anyone the nature of my activities in the laboratory. How long will it be before I am freed of the onus of my deeds which only I, and I alone, have knowledge of? Must I forever hold this secret as some dark truth about my inner self? Why do I continue to lust for the dead when I could have any woman alive? Why do I persist in defiling the innocent flesh of the young and unlucky when I could, with just a little effort, make my way among the living?
"But why ask such foolish questions? Isn't the true nature of my involvement with the corpses enough said? Isn't it blatantly obvious that sex after death is possible, if only for people like myself? Oh, God, the shame! Is there no end to it. . .
"Last night's debauchery will live on forever. She was a young pretty girl and so fine with her pretty little nipples stuck out stiff as though aroused and waiting for my touch, for my tongue. Just the sight of her little mound gave me chills.
I could hardly wait for Eunice to finish sweeping and leave me alone. I half herded her out the door without so much as the courtesy of a goodbye. I think, sometimes, that she knows my ways.
"But once she was gone I had the dead child to myself. I say child but perhaps that little red-haired wonder was eighteen or nineteen. The unidentified always stimulate me so much more.
"I spread her cold legs and rubbed the thighs to a gentle heat. Of course, I had to use some lubricant to make the girl ready, but that was well worth the effort. It was a fine thing indeed, something that happens only once in a lifetime. I even considered, afterwards, not sending her into the kiln. She'd have been useful and 'healthy' for another two days at least! I could have presented the nearest kin with any ashes-they'd have never known. But the professional in me refused this last morbid temptation, and I did the body in as it was my job to do so. I have saved a bit of the ash-they'll never know-and have put it with the others. My only regret is that I didn't know her when she was living.
"Yesterday morning I saw a woman who I someday hope to meet, one way or another...
The mortician's papers continue in this vein, describing various sexual acts he performed on the dead. Our editors believe that this is the only known case of such prolific necrophilia, but that is not to say that the practice is necessarily one of ages gone by. Two years ago, for instance, the body of a well-known starlet disappeared mysteriously from a morgue in Hollywood for three days. It was found-claimed to have been "misplaced"-by the mortician himself.
NIPPLES-LARGEST
Unconfirmed reports from grape-vine sources in Kansas might make the current record holder's claim to fame obsolete. We hear tell of a forty-two year old topless go-go girl in that Mid-Western city who can actually arouse her own breasts to such an extent that the nipples of her titties become edible. That is to say, this bar girl can elongate her tips in such a fashion as makes them accessible to her mouth.
Until we actually interview this woman, however, we'll have to go with the accepted largest nipple record, that belonging to Mrs. Louise Boyle whose tips have been measured as having a radius of four inches-that's eight across-and a depth, from breast to the end of the nipple, of two inches unaroused and two and one-half inches excited.
Mrs. Boyle is the wife of a plastic surgeon, and though she claims that no cosmetic surgery of any sort was ever performed on her breasts or on any other part of her body, many a jealous woman has contested this singularly large set of measurements.
Miss Lilly Bosworth, a self-proclaimed beachcomber from the San Diego area, draws a close second in this contest. Miss Bosworth's tanned bosom ("I never wear anything on my breasts at the beach," she says.) boasts two healthy nipples which have the same radius as that reported for first-place Mrs. Boyle, and she has identical measurements for nipple depth in the unaroused state. But when excited, Miss Bosworth's tips reach out for only two inches and one-quarter, and, in this particular contest, that extra quarter inch of excited nipple makes all the difference in the world.
(For next year's contest, however, Miss Bosworth claims that she'll be able to easily beat out Mrs. Boyle's quarter inch lead. We're all looking forward to the competition!)
NUDE CONTESTS
Here is one of the more revealing categories of sex competition. Nothing can be hidden from the keen eyes of the judges. Contestants-it is a law-are allowed to wear only rings, bracelets and ear-rings, and only the simplest necklaces. Prizes are given to the couple who look most like they belong naked and unclothed.
Last year's winners were Mr. and Mrs. Duke and Leslie McCoy. Mrs. McCoy stands five-eight, bust size thirty-eight, cup (which she never uses) C, hips thirty-six, waist twenty-two. She's supple, tan all over, and she eats only natural foods. Her husband is the Adonnis type, equally healthy looking.
Our interviewers spoke with the McCoys just after they accepted the Golden Nude Award:
"Did you think you'd be the winners?"
Mr. McCoy: "Well, it's kind of-"
Mrs. M: "Let me answer that one, Duke. With this chest and my hips and my legs, with skin like mine-see how rosy my complexion is?-and with big brown nipples like I've got-here, take a closer look-how could they not find in my, I mean our favor. We had it hands down."
"But the competition? There were other handsome couples?"
Mrs. M: "Not the way I see it, buddy. I think me and Duke are the most sensuous people you'll ever meet. We've been nude all our lives. Our parents were nudists. It's not like we just got started going naked, you know. We nearly invented the thing, this naked stuff, you see? It's not like we're amateurs, you know."
"Is that right, Duke?"
Mr. M: "Well, Leslie's got a point there, See-" Mrs. M: "You're damn straight I've got a point there. What do you think? That I'd go talking off the top of my head? I like going naked. I live for naked. I get up in the morning and thank my lucky stars that I'm not so dumb that I think I have to put on my clothes. I get up and like I tell Duke all the time, I got to go naked all day or I get crazy. You put a sock on my foot and I feel sophisticated. You stick me with a skirt and I feel like a fish out of water. No sir, naked is me and I is naked."
"Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. McCoy, I'm sure our readers will enjoy hearing that."
like many nudist enthusiasts, Mr. and Mrs. McCoy live in a small nudist colony where they very rarely wear more than a towel or a pair of shoes. Such colonies have devised a number of their own special competitions which include "The Most Natural Nipple" (judged on slant and angle, size and shape, contour and proportion), "The Most Perfect Naked Breasts" (criteria being, again, shape, contour and proportion, complexion, coloring, and sense of poise), "Smoothest Naked Hips" ("the lean look," we were told, is in) and "Best Tanned Buns" (last year's winner being a fifteen year old third generation nudist female with two, perfectly matched mellow brown cheeks, pictures of which decorate the main indoor recreation area of the colony).
Striving for excellence in the buff is the main goal of the nudist competitions, and the contests.
The largest nudist colony of all time was in existence for approximately two weeks during the month of July in 1971. Three branch Naked Societies attempted to unite in one Southern California facility, thus bringing together more than fifteen thousand naked people in a space equal in size to about five football fields. The organizations separated after a fortnight, however, due to a sudden increase in the number of molestings by people claimed to be members who turned out to be strangers who'd come to the colony in disguise.
NYMPHOMANIA
Exaggerated cases of sexual abuse are often confused with true nymphomania. But the medical journals abound with case studies detailing this particular psycho-kinetic ailment, and there is no mistaking it from any other when the symptoms are properly diagnosed.
Dr. Gordon Krotclidom, specialist in sexual aberration, was our source on this particular category. Dr. K as he-likes to be called made this rather conclusive statement:
"I've culled the journals. I've read everything and I've traveled all over the world and visited just about every asylum, public and private, that you'd care to mention. like yourselves, I wanted to know for sure what woman in this world had the worst case ever of nymphomania. You know what I mean, I'm sure: I was looking for a case of nymphomania extraordinaire.
"Well, I'll tell you something, and you can publish this anywhere you want to: I found her. I found the nymphomaniac who has set not just the world record, but the record for the universe, for the galaxy, for all time. Her name is Jenny.
"Little Jenny. Poor little Jenny. This darling little child, I must tell you, gentlemen, has the features of an angel. Her cheeks swell up with the rosiest smile you've ever seen at the drop of a hat. She giggles when you say anything at all about her, and she oozes clit juice when you so much as mention something even remotely related to sex. I swear to you that this child, afflicted as she is with mysterious nymphomania, should be worshiped instead of cursed.
"Alas alack, though, my only purpose in finding the child was to attempt to cure her. First let me tell you about her background.
"I found the child while on an extended trip to Spain. I'd given up the idea of curing the ultimate case of n.p., and I was taking my rest at a beach resort on the southern coast. It was afternoon and I was just finished sunbathing when, as I picked up my towel and shook the sand from it, I caught sight, from the corner of my eye, of a young brown beauty, ethereal in both flesh and spirit, being man-handled into the back of a van.
"Who Jenny's would be abductors were and what they intended to do with her had they succeeded in whisking her off the beach I will never know. As I ran to the young girl's aid they hurried off with their mission incomplete, leaving Jenny crying and fallen on the ground.
"The child and I became friends instantly, and it was only three hours later that I realized she suffered from a nearly incurable case of sexual nymphomania.
"Jenny's symptoms were classic. Although only sixteen years old, she'd had intercourse-I later learned from her during hypnosis-with no less than two hundred young men. She masturbated twice daily in an effort to achieve orgasm, succeeding infrequently. Frustrated with all other forms of time-passing, unable to read a book or watch TV with any pleasure, Jenny looked to fucking as the way to make sense of her life.
"There is no doubt in my mind that this girl is the world's most prolific nymphomaniac. When I brought her back to Los Angeles for observation, she fucked everyone in her ward in a matter of two days. By the time we isolated her-one of the in-patients had clap-the entire floor was infected with v.d. Alone in her cell-like room, padded, naturally, with plenty of Kleenex and k-y, Jenny was encouraged to consummate her sexual desires as often as it pleased her. Sometimes she would do so-we have all of this on medical video tape, of course-three or four times a day.
"Once, during a session, she actually fingered herself into ecstasy while talking to me about a young man she'd fucked when she was twelve years old. It was quite a worthwhile experience to treat this young woman.
"I consider Jenny to be nearly completely cured. Every now and then she involves herself with a complete stranger, but for the most part she's learned to control her somewhat bizarre desires."
NYMPHOMANIAC-YOUNGEST
The youngest nymphomaniac ever heard of was Leslie Argon, a twelve year old girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She stood about five-two at the age of ten, with fully developed mammaries and genitalia. It was rumored, when the girl turned eleven, that she was having affairs with husband on her back. But no one knew for sure until a few months later when the child was arrested for lascivious conduct in the presence of two adult males. Both of the men were set free, but the twelve year old girl, Miss Argon, was held on three counts of exhibitionism. Later that year, in a suburban orgy in her own house, Miss Argon fucked no less than fifteen people, ten males and five females, all of them at least ten years her elder. Leslie Argon-there is no doubt about it-was the youngest nymphomaniac in the history of the world.
SEXUAL ORGANS-FEMALE
Though most studies show that the size of the sexual organ has no bearing on the quality of satisfaction one gets when using it, men and women alike continue to promote an interest-perhaps it's just curiosity-in who's got what and how big it is.
The largest vagina in the history of the world belongs to Mary Ellen Foyt who lives presently in Portugal. Ms. Foyt claims that her labia stretch from between five inches in length to well over eight when she's aroused. The orifice itself will accommodate a cylinder five inches across and fourteen inches long. Physicians in two countries, West Germany and U.S.A., have measured Ms. Foyt's extraordinary flesh crater, and they have confirmed that indeed, according to medical history, there is no female organ larger.
Our reporters, curious about what kind of sensuous experiences Ms. Foyt has had, flew to Portugal and met with Mary Ellen in an exclusive interview. She answered questions as follows:
How old are you, Ms. Foyt?
"Twenty-one, just last week."
When did you realize that you had a rather exceptionally large vaginal orifice?
"It was about ten years ago, when I was just turning eleven. I couldn't find anything big enough to satisfy myself when I masturbated. I started using two and three hot dogs but it didn't help. I asked my brother if I couldn't use the handle of his pogo stick for something secret and he said I could. That worked for a while, but eventually I thought of myself as being gross for doing such things with something metal. Don't ask me why.
"Anyhow, after I got into puberty I started to talk with other girls. You know, in the locker room after gym, walking home from school, times like that, and I found out from them from the way they talked that maybe I had something different. They told me they were able to satisfy themselves using their fingers.
"Naturally, after my first doctor's appointment I knew for sure that something was strange with my organs. The doctor nearly fainted when he started feeling around in there and couldn't find any end to it. 'Where's the bottom, Ms. Foyt?' he asked me. I told him I didn't know, somewhere, down inside. He left the room and came back with a measuring rod, some sort of scientific sterile instrument, all shiny and brassy looking. He stuck that think in and just kept letting it go deeper and deeper. I smiled and all, and he blushed. After he finished measuring it off, I asked him if I could keep the rod. He understood what I wanted it for, and of course, having just seen how deep I was, he knew why. That's how I found out I was endowed in a somewhat unusual fashion."
Has having the biggest vagina in the world affected your sex life?
"Only to this extent: when I tell someone, a guy or a girl, just to have something to say, they kind of look at me funny, as if maybe I'm crazy or something. The guys who are interested, I let them find out for themselves. Just because it's a big hole doesn't mean I can't squeeze down and give a good juicy rubbing. In fact, I probably have more muscle power in my cunt than I do in my bicepts. It's amazing, I'm told, what a good squeeze I can give when I try. No one, I should add, ever drowned in there."
Ha, ha. Let us ask you one more question: did you ever wish for a smaller hole, for something more "normal"?
"No, never. I kind of like having this hole of distinction. It's something unique. I can always remember that no matter whatever else I do in life, I have one great achievement. I'll be remembered in history for this, you know. The biggest cunt is not something that people toy with."
Unless, say our reporters, you get just a little bit lucky!
MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-WEIGHT
The heaviest penis known to exist was a five inch fatty who's owner was Cardinal Drake Envy of The Apiscopal Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The Cardinal, in an effort to demonstrate that he practiced what he preached-celebacy-produced his manly organ in a ceremony and claimed that despite the huge size of his organ it had never been even once aroused to erection. A female physician in the congregation, realizing that the Cardinal's meat was one of the strangest she'd ever laid eyes on requested a visitation with the man of the cloth. He agreed, she explained that for medical reasons she would like to weigh his penis. In the name of God's science, the Cardinal agreed and they went that day to the Tulsa
Hospital where the Cardinal's organ was placed on a very delicate metric scale. He weighed in at just under five pounds.
Contenders since that weight was made have come close to outdoing the strange priest, but they've all had to put one ball into the scale in order to match the record. Cardinal Envy's record remains in tack.
MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-LENGTH
This much sought after world record belongs to Edward Allen Greggor who was twelve years old at the time a measurement of his phenominal tool was made. The young boy, having heard of a local competition, reported to the Elks Club meeting hall where the contest was being held. Judges told the boy that participants had to be over sixteen years of age. He insisted that he had as much right as any of the applicants to have his dick measured. They conceded that though on a state level the rules of competition didn't allow under-age participants that on a national competition age was no criteria. Greggor was allowed to enter the contest and his extended muscle was measured off at twenty-four inches. He received a certificate of merit verifying his record setting victory from the National Penile Institute. When Greggor turned eighteen he sought out plastic surgeons to give him something a little less unwieldy. They made the appropriate adjustments and Greggor now lives happily with his wife who is satisfied with the young man's comparatively meager fourteen inches.
MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-LARGEST DIAMETER
A Chinaman named Wong, forty-five years old at the time of the measurements, reported to his physician that he was having muscle pains in his back. The doctor inspected Wong's back and found nothing out of order. Just as Wong was about to dress, however, the physician took note of the Chinaman's huge tool, seven inches across. He recorded the size and then gave Wong a support. His back aches disappeared two weeks later, just a day after he was reported as the man owning the world's fattest dick.
MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-STRONGEST
The biggest most muscular tool is not necessarily the strongest.
A miner in West Africa reports that he is able to go non-stop with fourteen women without ever losing his erection. It is a remarkable skill, we think, and one which deserves mention.
However, as for confirmed reports of muscular prowess, we must go with the traditionally accepted winner, Mr. Leonard Wiener of South Al-hambra, California.
Mr. Wiener's record breaking performance has been long noted as a miracle in the field of penis work. On a sultry August afternoon in 1954 he stepped out onto his front lawn and announced that he would fuck any and all women who showed up from the hours of five to eight that night.
Naturally, everyone in the neighborhood, known for its hard-hat notions and conservatism, scoffed at Mr. Wiener's somewhat pretentious announcement.
But that night, at eight o'clock, his organ still stiff, Mr. Wiener had done as he'd promised. No less than twenty horny young girls had shown up dressed incognito-sunglasses, scarves, raincoats-and had entered Mr. Wiener's house seeking the satisfaction that he'd promised. All but one of the young women left smiling and totally satisfied. That last one stayed on through the night.
An interview with Mr. Wiener follows:
"I don't think it's such a big deal," he says, "having the largest thing in the world. I laugh at those guys who say they got big dicks. I myself don't have such a large one, only seven inches. And my balls aren't so big, neither. Guys at work, they all think it's how big you are. Not me. I say it's how long you can last. I proved it that night in 1954. Those girls were all pretty fucking happy when they left my house, and that's, for my money, what really counts. It's strength, endurance in an erect muscle that I gave those girls, not just something fat. You know what I'm talking about?"
Mr. Wiener and his wife now life in Redondo where curious tourists sometimes visit him and request autographs. He signs with a ballpoint pen which he ties to his dick for that purpose.
MULTIPLE ORGASMS-MALE
Until recently it was believed that men were incapable of multiple orgasm. But Jack Learner reported to his physician the following curious phenomenon:
"Doc, I got a problem. I get it on with my wife and she gets off and I start coming. It's not ordinary, though. I keep going. I keep squirting. It's not something I can stop. I just keep ejaculating.
"Last night I shot out so much sperm I thought we were going to drown in the stuff. It's awful, don't you know, because it gets slippery so quick and I keep cuming. She pulled off me last night and I was still squirting. Then she swallowed on it for a while and still I was cuming. She finally masturbated me for a while and I slowed down. There must have been forty squirts of that stuff if there was one."
When the doctor asked him if this had happened before, Mr. Learner said that once when he was a kid a similar thing had happened. Mr. Learner had masturbated and filled a bucket with his ejaculation. Other than this one case of male multiple-orgasm, there are no others on record.
MULTIPLE ORGASMS-FEMALE
Cindy Bernard reported having had fourteen straight cums from one session of intercourse with her favorite lover, a Mr. Allen Whippey. Whippey, when interviewed, said that he was rather happy to know that his girlfriend could cum so well. He was somewhat disappointed, though, to find out that he had very little if anything to do with it. For once he'd fucked Cindy, and had withdrawn his muscle, the woman continued to cum with no assistance from Whippey at all.
"I don't know how it happens," says Miss Bernard, "but I love it. I feel the earth shake and my legs go wild and I start juicing like a mother-fucker. It's not something I have any control over. I just get to cuming and cuming and there's no stopping me. Maybe it's the way Allen plays with my nipples, or maybe it's the shape of his tool. It doesn't happen with anyone else. I know he says that it's got nothing to do with him, but that's just not true. You know what I mean? It's got nothing to do with anyone but him! It's love that makes me cum so many times, you know what I mean? It's love!"
Miss Bernard's vagina is four inches deep, a slender slit buried in a tightly knit pubic fur framed by supple taned thighs. Doctors have found no mutations in her clit or inner walls which would make such rapid multiple cums more-likely in this particular woman, and, consequently they conclude that the multiple orgasm syndrome in Miss Bernard is strictly the result of her psychology.
SEXUAL ORGY-THE LONGEST
The longest sexual orgy took place in North Dakota five years ago. There, in a two-story mansion, more than fifty guests consummated themselves in one way or another.
A score chart for the Dakota orgy was kept by the hostess, Miss Lyla Elbert. "We kept records, you see, starting in the second hour. I guess I had a feeble hunch that we were up to something big. Anyhow, the record went like this: if you slept with a woman one time you marked your initials by her name. Similarly, if you were a woman and you had an orgasm with a man, you put your initials by his name. For each cuming, there was a set of initials inscribed next to the partner's name. So, by the end of the two days-or was it three?we had a complete file on the number of orgasms for those fifty people."
All in all, Miss Lyla Elbert's twenty male guests and thirty female guests totaled up three-hundred and twenty-eight orgasms. About thirty per cent through the ass-hole, and the remainder by penis-vagina methods.
SEXUAL ORGY-THE SHORTEST
The shortest sexual orgy on record to date took place in Cleveland, Ohio. There, Mr. Douglas Rolland, statistician extraordinaire, accomplished a remarkable feat. In less than two hours he satisfied the sensuous whims of approximately eight women.
"I can't be sure," says the scientist of numbers. "Isn't that funny? Me, a numbers man from way back, and I can't tell you for sure if it was eight or nine or seven women? But I can tell you this, without any sort of qualification: there was more sex and more pleasure in that little room in that little time than I ever thought possible. If I wasn't sucking on a breast or titilating a nipple, then I was eating out someone's vagina and getting my dick licked at the same time. There were women to the left and the right and ontop of me and underneath me. I was in heaven, flesh fucking heaven, I tell you! I recommend it for everyone! Really. I mean it. A short orgy is just what the world needs now. You can quote me on that. Really. Try it. You'll like it."
PHALLIC SCULPTURES
As long as there has been civilization there have been sculptures in honor of the penis. Sex plasters, a supposedly innovative form linked with rock and roll and groupies, are really nothing new. The ancient societies of Greece and Rome, in fact, specialized in the production of finely crafted aesthetic phallic objects, some from wood, others from brass, many of which were later used as symbolic tributes to the men who inspired them.
As for the current record holder, the person who owns the largest collection of such objects d'art, however, Lorrie Anne Davies, a resident of Southern California, wins hands down.
Lome's collection of sculpted and molded phallic items includes plaster casts of no less than three hundred erect penises. For this portion of her collection, Miss Davies hired several assistants and organized an approach and assault system on her four hundred choices of men who's dicks she felt needed preservation for future cultures. She has this collection displayed in her living room and dining room and has numbered the casts using the dewy decimal system for easy cataloguing.
In her back yard, as a testament to men in general, Miss Davies has a large, brass plated and ivory and alabaster in-laid prick standing five-feet seven inches high. It comes from a collection, she claims, ordered built in the seventeenth century in Italy, and, according to Miss Davies, it is the only sculpture of its kind still in existence.
Smaller mementos decorate Miss Davies' bedroom and kitchen. These include electric vibrators, rubber prongs, double-attack stimulators, rhino swords, serrated ticklers and similarly exotic stimulators and simulators from all over the world.
Miss Davies rents her museum pieces on a daily or weekly basis. For further information contract her directly.
BIGGEST ARTIFICIAL PHALLUS
The platinum plated steel crowned five story ornately designed mushroom head prick on display in the Garden Park off the New Jersey Turnpike, Exit 53 2A, is the largest known artificial phallus in the world.
This testament to the male genitalia was designed and constructed by Lippy and Company in an effort to promote a sister organization's campaign for the sale of prophylactics. A huge neon sign backgrounds the advertising sculpture with the blue and red words: "Better Safe Than Sorry-Over Population Is Your Problem, Too! Buy Lippy Rubbers!" Every hour on the hour the huge steely phallus ejaculates an eighteen squirt load of foamy sea brine in order to simulate the male orgasm. Huge twin marble nuggets adorn the base where visitors are sold post cards and receive free a sample product.
PROSTITUTION
Fornication for money dates back several thousand years. To cull the history books for the following achievements in this category we used our entire research staff and came up with some quite startling record holders.
Oldest Prostitute
There is a myth from sixteenth century England which we believe was based on fact and passed down as fiction. It tells of the old char woman living in London during the worst possible time who, in order to make ends meet, took up the noble profession and managed to keep it a secret from her husband from some fifty-five years.
Supposedly, according to the myth, the woman was honored, when her story was finally told, at the age of fifty-nine, as the best lay in town, for which she was still receiving the equivalent of one-dollar and twenty-five cents per cum.
More recently, in 1884, is the newspaper account from a small Western town in Nevada where Miss Carta Brent was arrested for soliciting and convicted on the basis of testimony provided by her last customer. If Miss Brent's birth records are correct, in 1884, the Madame of Nevada was going on eighty-nine. Unfortunately, there is no description in the news story of the man or woman who enjoyed Miss Brent's services.
Youngest Prostitute
Young girls in Rome, usually at the age of eleven or twelve, often became the concubines of the wealthy and powerful. The pay, room and board, and the hours and the culture, all influenced the families involved to consider the vocation as acceptable for a young girl.
In more recent times, in countries like Sweden and Norway, often tooted as the liberal sexual paradises of our era, young women have been known to begin selling their bodies at the ages of eleven and twelve.
The youngest hooker ever arrested in America was Miss Betty Webber. Betty's arrest occurred when she was twenty-one, but when the judge took special interest in her case, Miss Webber told her life story and revealed that she'd been hooking for dollars since the age of eight. "I started," she told the courts, "giving header to the boys on my block. They'd give me a dime or a quarter when I wanted it some other time. Then it got to be that I'd get ripped off. You know, I'd give a guy head, a kid up the street, and then a couple days later I'd want some gum or something and he wouldn't pay for it. So I started charging right then. Then I got cheated by a guy who came in my mouth and wouldn't pay afterwards even though he said he would. So by the time I was ten or so, I knew that you had to get money up front. My first big trick was when I was twelve. I'd been balling for this guy from school and his father found out about it. He asked me if I'd do him, and I did, and he gave me twelve bucks. That was big time for me, so I kept it up. It wasn't long before I had enough money to buy just about anything I wanted. So I quit school in eighth grade and got my own apartment in downtown. From then on it was a breeze. I like doing it. I guess I never knew anything else. Some people say I'm wasting my life. I don't think so. I look around and I see plenty of people who have everything they want and they're not happy. They have husbands and houses and cars and kids. They think I'm crazy not to clean up my act. I'll tell you something, your honor, I don't think those people know what they're talking about. They fuck once a week and consider themselves lucky. They never have enough money. Me, I fuck all day long and I'm always rolling in the moolah. What's a girl supposed to do? What would you do?"
(The judge, incidentally, freed Betty Webber on five thousand dollars bail which she paid out of pocket. As far as we know she continues to solicit somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area.)
Best Paid Prostitute
Not including book rights to life stories, leaving out gratuities and considering only the dollars exchanged for services, the best paid prostitute, according to available records (not all hookers file with the tax bureaus) was a French Mile. La Range. She collected, during the forty-two years of he dutiful service, the franc equivalent of three and one-half million dollars. A do-gooder from the word go, Mile. La Range willed her assets upon death to the Institute for The Prevention of V.D. and to The Hooker Bail Fund of Paris. (This latter gift, by the way, made it possible for every whore in Paris to be released immediately after her arrest for nearly two years, something for which at least the male population of France was very, very grateful.
Most Money For One Service
The Swedish whore, Ms. Svenda Ogleson, at the age of nineteen, received the dollar equivalent of five-hundred and fifty-thousand bucks for one quick trick. The man, a millionaire who'd turned forty without ever having had so much as an erection, sought out the famed Ms. Ogleson in a last ditch effort to enjoy a sexual consummation. It took Ms. Ogleson approximately two hours and twenty minutes to satisfy the wealthy client, and she claims that he never again suffered impotence of any sort. What she did during those two hours-it was part of the bargain-was never revealed.
Most Exclusive House of Prostitution
The Chateau Bizzare located, surprisingly, in London, boasts a clientelle of eighty-five of the richest people in the world. Willing to service each and every need of its dues paying members, the Chateau specialized in privacy and lecherousy. There has never, according to the Madame, ever been a dissatisfied customer. All sorts of sexual acts are performed in the elaborate Louis XVI stylized castle. The individual fantasies of the members are staged in real life with exactly the kind of detail the member requests. If, for example a client wishes to bathe in a fountain full of raving blonde beauties, such a fountain is made available. Whatever the whim or need, Chateau Bizzare is ready to serve. Applications for membership are taken twice every decade and there have never been any resignations. This privately endowed house of prostitution is the most exclusive in the world.
Least Frequented
At the other end of the spectrum is Lisa Evans. She had a one room shack on the south end of Highway Forty-Two in Seemy, Utah. She's been there for eight years, and she's got one client, her husband, and she makes him pay through the nose. It's rumored in some of the less polite society in that neck of the woods that two or three guys from town went out to Lisa about four years ago in search of a good time, but they found her so repulsive that they donated fourteen dollars in the hope she would never again advertise herself as capable of satisfying anyone.
We went to the trouble of interviewing this poor wench on our way back from New York and we've edited some of her foul-mouthed comments:
"I been fucking and sucking Edward-that's my excuse for a hubby-for about fifteen years. We get so damn bored out here I don't know what to do. It ain't easy being the least liked whore in the world, you know. It ain't fucking easy. I haven't had no clients since I can even remember. I don't charge a lot, either," adds the hag. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I got a cunt like other whores. I got good lips like the other whores. Here, look at my lips." She opened her mouth wide and revealed an oral cavity full of broken dentures and old loose fillings and a couple of her own teeth. "See?, I got lips, good fat wet lips, and still no one wants to have me suck 'em off. I don't know what it is. I charge good. Two dollars for a blow job. That ain't a lot, what with inflation and all. Three bucks for a quickie, and if you want to stick around and have coffee with me and the hubby, that's all right, too. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know. Maybe I should advertise. Maybe I should get out of the business. I had a new sign painted two years ago. You think that helped? The most I got was a dumb pimply kid throwing eggs at the thing. Shit, being a whore ain't what it's cracked up to be, if you ask me. No sir, I just don't think it's all that easy an occupation. Maybe I'll try my hand at modeling next year. Maybe I could show off some in a store catalogue or something. Maybe then I could get some contacts or something. I hear those fashion photographers buy flesh by the pound. I might even get my rates up some. What do you think?
"Maybe someday," she went on a little forlornly, "I'll get the word out. All I need is one satisfied customer and that'll do it. You know what I'm talking about? Just one satisfied customer and I'll be on my way to being a big success in this business. I can spread my legs with the best of them. You just wait and see. I'll show 'em. Say, how would you like to be my first customer in eight years?"
At this point we decided that it would be advisable to exercise a little professional caution and we gently turned down the freebie offer from The World's Least Frequented House of Prostitution.
SODOMY
It's hard to give a reward for such a unique category of sexual performance. For instance, we had to decide whether different breeds of animals should make up a different contest or if we should just choose the most prolific sodomist for all species of beasts.
The known facts are these: in the fertile farmland of the mid-West James Killgaff openly confessed to having had intercourse to the point of orgasm with no less than sixty of the seventy-two sheep which made up his entire herd.
In another part of the country, with similar openness, Ellen Hamhock, aged nineteen, says that she enjoyed the pleasure of watching her husband copulate with cows at least once a week.
"He uses a ladder," says the young, recently married farmer's daughter, "and gets up there pretty damn quick. He didn't want to tell me what he was doing afternoon times so I followed him out to the barn. I started to laugh but then I realized that it turned me on. So I sat down right there and just when hubby was getting it off, I got myself going with my fingers." Is sodomy, then, a game the whole family can play?
Bestiality awards are hard to hand out, too. After all, even in liberated America there aren't that many women willing to talk openly about their affairs with dogs and other animals. But a one time professional bestiality expert, now reformed, shared with us her thoughts on the subject:
"I'd guess I'd have to say that dog-fucking was my favorite thing to do from the age of fifteen to when I got married. There was something about having a big well-hung animal licking my face and tits, and being able to tell for sure that no one in the world would ever know what I did unless I were to say so. I mean, it was a deep dark secret that I'd go stroking my dog's pecker and making him cum on me and all that kind of thing. Of course, now that I'm married and I don't get horny that often because my husband takes care of business, well, I see no reason to have it on with an animal. But sometimes, every now and then, I get an urge and..."
Our unnamed expert went on to tell us that she's copulated with no less than twenty German
Shepherds, four Great Danes and one small mule.
Similarly, a report came to us from a young woman in Arkansas who says that things sometimes get so bad in the town she lives in that she just gives way to temptation and has it on with whatever sort of beast happens to be around:
"I don't know," she goes on to say, "if you have anyone in your record book who can match what I did a year ago this spring. I was seventeen and awfully lechy, if you get my drift. And the boy I'd been having it on with went and enlisted in the Armed Forces. Now that left me feeling a might on the empty side. He and I had raised this big Shepherd of mine from a puppy, and Bull, as I called him from ever since he was little, was hung like some sort of bull, just like his name. Well, it was a peaceful afternoon and I was getting just about as heated up from thinking about how lonely a girl I was as a girl can get. I mean, I was thinking about how nice it would be to spread my thighs around a fence post, for God's sake. So you see how hot it was for me, and how hard it was for me to resist temptation when Bull presented his old friendly snout to me that afternoon. I don't think I'll ever forget it. He came up to me and I was sitting on the front porch with my skirt pulled up some and he pressed his snout up between my thighs and started licking. It wasn't no ordinary dog-lick, neither. He knew what he was doing. I gave him a second or two and then I told him that I thought he was some dog for thinking he could get away with that and I shooed him away. But he came right back and that second time I just couldn't resist. I got down off my chair on the porch and sat down on the steps and let him lick my cunt all he wanted. The feel of that dog's tongue rubbing in my hungry little slit was just about everything that I could want from anyone anytime. I mean it-it was fabulous!
"Well, one thing led to another, and I mean to tell you that me and that dog carried on one hell of an affair for the next three months, doing everything you'd care to name, from sucking to fucking to cornholing, too! Golly, it was just the best.
"So if you're giving awards for beast fucks, I just want you to know that I personally fucked my dog Bull and had good cums from it ninety-four times all told."
We're not sure, because of the lack of additional applications, how this record compares with others, but we offer it as evidence of some sort of job well done.
TELEPHONE
The most obscene phone call ever reported started at one a.m. on a Tuesday and lasted for two days. The caller, who claimed himself to be a Mr. Total Tongue, asked only that the young woman on the other end of the line do him one favor. He requested that she take her phone and place it between her legs. Miss Connie Deal agreed to the procedure. She arranged her two phone extensions so that one would be in the caller's requested position-between the legs with the earpiece against the vagina-and the other, second extension at her ear. In this manner, she was able to listen to the caller and also do what he wanted. Mr. Total Tongue spoke non-stop to Connie's cunt and ear for forty-eight hours until Miss
Deal, finally, gave way to the great sexual arousal she was feeling and climaxed on the earpiece. She thanked the man called Mr. Total Tongue when she met him in person a week later after reading about the arrest of a man taken custody for littering in a phone booth. Connie Deal and Mr. Andy Lick, alias "Total Tongue," are now married and live happily in separate homes in different parts of Los Angeles County. They talk once a night and have sex by phone. She says enthusiastically of her new husband, "He's a real live wire!"
TENNIS
The Nude Tennis Championship playoffs held last December resulted in two champions, both women. Anne Baker and Linda Rodman, both twenty, outlasted all other contenders for the much coveted Naked Fuzz Trophy, nick-named after the coating on tennis balls. Both women are exceptionally supple and well-endowed in the chest area. Most of the male contestants had not counted on having to play with hard-ons. But each and every contender who entered into final playoff matches with the two young beauties were quickly walloped off the courts because of their opponents' ability to excite them.
"I can play against a man," said one defeated pro, "but when you get out on the courts and come up against a set like Baker's got, two of the biggest titties ever, well, it's kind of hard to keep your eye on the ball. And by the second game I had a boner which through my balance way off and I couldn't get my serve in. Of course, Anne didn't help things, either, by bending over to pick up the balls on her own instead of using the ball girl. I mean, you just try and beat a woman in the nude who looks like that. It was her game all the way."
And Linda Rodman, who tied Ms. Baker for the Fuzz Cup, put it this way: "It's a good thing neither of us are Lezzies. It would have been a very, very difficult match, indeed."
For next year's match the two girls intend to work as" a doubles team, and already the applications to compete are pouring in-mostly from men!
VAGINA-MOST TASTY
When we announced this particular category for sex competition we weren't sure that there would be enough historical evidence or current boldness to get much in the way of a contest going. But to our surprise and delight a large number of written applications were made, descriptions and evaluations, mostly, made by men who judged this or that woman's vagina as the most edible.
"I think my girlfriend's cunt," says one sponsor, "is the best I've ever had for a number of reasons. When I lick the clit there's a kind of a gush that starts and just keeps coming. It's all slippery juice and extremely nice smelling. There's no fish odor there, either. It's always a pleasure to lick out a pussy like that. And when she gets going, when those muscles start flexing in there and heating up, it's like the juice melts some and tastes even better."
Another fellow wrote to us of his mistress: "Unlike my wife, Ms. X has a vagina that makes me want to lick her out for hours. Not that Sybil smells bad or tastes bad or anything like that. It's just that X has this wonderful scent in her vagina. It's like a combination of strawberries and cherries. I could lick lips like that until the doomsday."
Unfortunately, this contestant's application was disqualified because we found out that his mistress uses some artificial flavoring to enhance her natural aroma.
The winning entry for the most edible pussy in the world came to us in person. Her name, Shiela Devine, fits her body character. Shiela says of the scent and taste of her pie: "I keep myself clean, first off. I don't let anything go when it comes to my vagina. I wear a Mohawk which helps keep my lips fresh. I rub down daily with a soft cream with a natural base. I wipe that away because I don't like the idea of my man getting off on anything but me.
"And when it comes time for the thing itself, when it's just about right for me to grab my lover around the back of his neck and let him know I want some good wet tongue swabbing up my labia and sucking my clitoris into twitch city, I let out a gush of the sweetest softest juices you'll ever get your tongue into."
Our editors were in complete agreement with
Ms. Devine after just one lick. We happily award this young woman with a bronzed tongue sculpture, the label of which reads, "To Ms. Shiela Devine, The Woman With The Most Tasty Vagina In The World."
