Subject: The Diary of Caitlyn March 16, 2012 Author: Caitlyn Part: 1 Keywords: MF, cons, preg, amputee, blind, diary Caitlyn gasped as her body protested her holding her breath. She had not realized she was holding it. Her eyes were focused inwardly trying to imagine the plastic tube sitting on the dining room table. Alex had told her that a clear window at one end showed a felt-like material. He described how pinfully slowly the material grew damp. He said it was like watching a movie in slow motion. Her heart fluttered and she felt sick when he told her a pink line appeared in the window. His voice reassured her that was only to tell them the test was working. The moisture continued along the felt toward the end. In an inch or so it would make it. Caitlyn prayed that it would make it without another line. Her boyfriend Alex held her shoulder painfully. His tension seemed to flow into her through the contact. Neither said a word as they waited. Caitlyn was blind. When she was eight a teenage girl driving too fast had struck her as she rode her bicycle along the sidewalk in front of her house. The teen and her boyfriend had been legally intoxicated. The car had gone a tenth of a mile with Caitlyn and her bicycle tangled beneath. After months in the hospital Caitlyn had come home without her arms and legs. Her legs had been amputated at the hips while her her arms were removed at the shoulders. The front and back of her body was scarred, and her breasts had barely formed over the years. Only her face had somehow managed to come out of the ordeal untouched. Except for her eyes; they had been damaged leaving her blind. After the accident she prayed every night to die. It was a horrible existence. Her parents' marriage fell apart, and she thought they only stayed together for Caitlyn. Her father traveled frequently for work. Caitlyn's mother had started drinking and began an affair that she did not attempt to hide. Her lover often came over through the week while Caitlyn was home, and Caitlyn's mom and her boyfriend would disappear into the bedroom where they had sex. Then Caitlyn met Alex. At the moment he was the only stable thing in her life. At forty-three he was twenty-five years her senior. From his verbal description and what she could gather from feeling, Alex was tall and lean. His dark brown hair was thick and soft. He sometimes wore glasses. From comments other people made to her, she had the impression he was attractive. They had been neighbors since her parents moved here five years ago. For some strange reason the two of them connected immediately, and she thought of him as her closest friend. After graduating from a high school for freaks like her she had dared to hint to Alex that she was interested in more. To her joy he caught the hints and accepted them. Soon he referred to her as his "girlfriend". A few months later she bluntly told him she wanted him to take her virginity. Alex reluctantly agreed. Alex gasped and she knew that a second line had appeared. It was a semaphore to some unknown control mechanism inside Caitlyn's brain. She began crying uncontrollably. At eighteen, Caitlyn Holt was cripple and blind. And now she was pregnant. When her tears finally ended she found that her boyfriend Alex had taken her in his arms and was holding her tightly. The shoulder of his shirt was soaked. He held a Kleenex for her to wipe and blow her nose. "What are we going to do," she asked in despair. Alex seemed calm. How could he be so cool with this? Even the tone of his voice was normal. "Do you want an abortion?" An abortion would definitely solve her problem. But something in her recoiled at the thought, and she did not hesitate in answering. "No." "Well... That leaves only two choices. We can have the baby and give it up for adoption. Or we can have the baby and raise it." "I don't want you to marry me because I'm pregnant." He smiled. "I never said anything about marriage." Caitlyn fought back a second wave of tears as she thought of telling her parents. She already felt like a burden to them. Many times over the years she had thought suicide would be a blessing. Unfortunately she could not even do that. "I have something for you," he said. Standing he placed her back in her wheelchair then he left her alone in the small dining room. The pregnancy test sat on the table unaware of the tempest it had caused. When Alex returned he held a small box on the table in front of her. Leaning forward she brushed it with her cheek. It appeared to be a cube wrapped in giftwrap with a ribbon and bow. "What is it," she asked. "Open it." Leaning forward Caitlyn took the bow in her teeth and pulled the top free. Alex shook the box and something metallic jingled. He took them out and let her feel it. Inside were two keys on a keyring. When she looked at him in confusion Alex sighed. "I planned to give these to you tonight. However, given the circumstances... They're keys to my house. They're an open invitation for you to move in any time you want." Caitlyn was dumbfounded. "You want me to move in with you?" "Only if you want. And if you don't want to that is okay too. I didn't want you to think I was only asking because you're pregnant. I planned on asking you before you called me. I know you said before you didn't want to get married. But I didn't know if you might consider living together." He had proposed to her on Valentine's Day. They had been seriously seeing each other for seven months at that time, and they had been lovers for four. Caitlyn had told him "no"; she had a hard time accepting the fact that he loved her. How could he love someone like her? She was a freak and incapable of performing the most basic tasks in life. That was before she found out she was having a baby. Maybe an abortion would be the best thing. "Do you still want to get married," she asked suddenly. The question obviously caught him offguard. "I'm the one that asked you remember?" Her mind raced at the suddeness of it all. Pregnant. Getting married. Breathing became difficult. There was a tightness in her chest, and Caitlyn wondered if she might be having a heart attack. She took deep, slow breaths until she could think. "Here are my terms," she said. "No wedding. Just us. We'll run away and get married like in the movies or something." Alex did not seem to like that. "How about a small wedding? With just us two. And we can buy you a wedding dress on sale somewhere." "Okay. I just don't want to spend a lot of money." "How about a honeymoon?" "Like where?" "Do you want to go somewhere like Hawaii?" Her eyes went wide. "I just said I didn't want to spend a lot of money!" "You said on the wedding. This is the honeymoon." Caitlyn knew Alex loved the outdoors; he had taken her camping several times "How about a cabin? In the mountains?" That seemed cheap and to satisfy him. "You know I can't take care of a baby. I can't even take care of myself." Alex nodded in agreement. "I suggested hiring someone. Remember?" "I know. I just want to make sure you still wanted to do that. It seems like a lot of money. I don't want to be a burden to you." Alex sighed. "If we're going to get married, I might as well share all my financial stuff with you." He stood, scooped her into his arms, and carried her upstairs to where his home office was. The stairs were definitely going to be a problem, and she wondered if he would be willing to move. That would solve more than just the stair issue since her parents lived next door. The upstairs contained three rooms. The bonus room was his office. One of the bedrooms served as a library with every wall covered in bookshelves. Sometimes he brought her in here and read to her; it was her favorite thing to do with him. Besides making love. The final room was a guest bedroom that his daughters used when they came home from college. Caitlyn cringed. She was going to be a stepmother of two girls, both of which were older than she. Alex deposited her on the black leather sofa that he had found at Goodwill the past summer. She listened to him sit in his computer chair and type on the keyboard. First, here is how much money I make..." For the next hour Caitlyn listened with her mouth agape. As a programmer Alex made more money than her father. More than twice as much. He listed out his expenses. How much he had saved. She was shocked when he told her his house and van were paid for. With no debt and very few expenses, Alex saved almost all of his paycheck. Money was always the main argument with her parents. She would never have to argue with Alex over it. "My terms still hold," Alex said when the money topic ended. Caitlyn sighed. "Fine." When he had proposed, he had given her a set of terms. First, she had to agree to go with him to a counselor twice a month. Next, she had to agree to have an annual physical every year. Finally, she had to take at least one college class each semester - including the summer. "What about when the baby comes?" Alex considered. "I guess it would probably be a good idea to take a break. But only for one semester. Okay?" She nodded. "Okay." "So when do you want to elope," he asked. "What time is it?" "One." "Now is good." "Okay.... Do you want to tell your mom?" Caitlyn snorted. "She and Bill were fucking each other when we left. They're probably still at it." "You promised you wouldn't use that language." "Sorry," she could not contain her sarcasm. "Amanda and Bill were having sex when we left. They probably want some privacy. What do we need to get married?" Alex searched on Google and found they needed either a form of identification or birth certificate. Fortunately Caitlyn had her purse which contained her state id. While she could not get a license or even a learner's permit, she had been able to get an id made on her sixteenth birthday. It was something. "They close at four," Alex read. "I guess we need to hurry." "Do they do the wedding there?" "I have a better idea." After thirty minutes Alex had reserved a cabin for three nights in the mountains two hours away and called a small wedding chapel not far from the cabin. They had time the following afternoon to perform the wedding. The plan was to get their marriage license, drive to the cabin, and then get married the next day. That left the problem of a wedding gown. "What about Goodwill," Caitlyn asked. "We can check there and David's Bridal." "Remember. I don't want to waste a lot of money on something I'm only going to wear once." It did not take long for them to pack. During their relationship Caitlyn had left clothes at Alex's house to change into if hers became unwearable. Since she did not wear makeup and put only a minimal effort into her hair, she was content with using Alex's bodywash, shampoo, brush, and hairdryer. She even had a toothbrush at his house even thought she had never spent the night. "And you're sure about this," Alex asked as he helped her into the van and then stored her wheelchair in the back. "Are you," she asked. "Of course. I love you very much. I just don't want you to marry me because you feel sorry for me or because you're pregnant." Caitlyn could not help but laugh at the irony of his comment. She laughed so hard that tears streamed down her face. Alex backed the van out into the street and turned toward town. Caitlyn was still laughing as they started their new life together.