AUTHOR: Cait N.
TITLE: Heart Over Mind
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: TOS
PAIRING: K/S
BETA: Selek, Dilly and EmGee

SUMMARY:  It's Kirk and Spock's first Christmas together.
Kirk tries to explain how Christmas is more than just
religious symbols and presents under a tree. Previously
seen in Side by Side #3.

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the characters, I just take 'em
out for a spin every now and then.  No infringement
intended, no money  being made.

FEEDBACK ADDRESS: caitn @ mindspring.com
URL TO HOMEPAGE: /~CaitN/


"Heart Over Mind"
copyright December 2001 by Cait N.


What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage
for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish
that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and
eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.
--Agnes M. Pharo
= = = = = = = = = = =
Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
--Mary Ellen Chase
= = = = = = = = = = =

Kirk lay spent, tangled in the sweat-soaked sheets. His
labored breathing was slowly returning to normal. He
groaned as he rolled over, reaching one hand out to brush
against Spock's mussed hair. "That…was…intense," he
breathed.

Spock, still kneeling beside the bed, simply nodded in
agreement. His body was covered with a fine sheen of sweat
that glistened in the candlelight. "I think you have
finally persevered against my superior Vulcan stamina," he
conceded with an almost-smile.

"Ha! I can outlast you any day or night of the week,
darling." Kirk pushed himself to a sitting position and
propped pillows behind his back. He spread his naked legs
apart and patted the space between.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Again?"

Kirk laughed. "No, silly, I just want to hold you."

Spock crawled onto the bed and positioned himself between
Kirk's thighs, resting against Kirk's chest.

Kirk absently ran his hands through Spock's hair; he was
always amazed at how thick and silky it felt. He kept his
hands away from the temptation of Spock's ears as he knew
where stroking those would lead!

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Spock spoke,
"Am I to assume that we are attending the crew Christmas
party tomorrow evening?"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world." Just
thinking about it, Kirk could almost taste Scotty's eggnog
and hear Uhura's melodic voice leading the caroling. "Don't
tell me you don't want to go?"

"I understand the historical and various religious
significance of celebrating Christmas; it is the revelry
and party atmosphere that I find illogical."

"It's just…" Kirk struggled to put it into words. "It's a
celebration of life and birth and a renewal of the unique
spirit in all of us."

"Life, as well as death, is a constant in this universe.
Celebrating it is as logical as celebrating breathing."

"You don't celebrate your birthday?"

"No. Though my mother did when I was young."

Kirk shook his head. "Spock, what am I going to do with
you?"

"You had no problem with me few minutes ago."

Kirk chuckled. "I meant getting you to understand the
celebration that goes along with Christmas."  

They sat in silence again, Kirk lost in thought while
Spock massaged his t'hy'la's calves and ankles.

"I think I have an idea," Kirk finally said. "I know you
were only a year ahead of me at the Academy, but we moved
in totally different circles. I have a story you might
find, well, fascinating."

"I am all ears, to borrow a phrase I've heard from Doctor
McCoy."

Kirk rearranged the pillows and put his hands lightly on
Spock's shoulders. "It was my first year at the Academy,"
he began…

* * * * * 

"Hey, Jimmy, do you think I've muscled-up any?" Tom asked
he emerged from the bathroom, a towel draped around his
hips.

"Mmmmm-hmmmm," I muttered.

"Come on, Jimmy, stay with me here." 

I finally looked up from my book.  "Okay, and what does
that have to do with analyzing T'Stanik's `First Contact
and the Galactic Repercussions'?"

"Can't you forget about school for just ten seconds?"  He
swept the book out of my lap, and stood in front of me,
hands on his hips.  "I know how important it is for you to
do well.  You've told me, and I haven't forgotten.  But
can't you just let go, just for a couple of days.  It's
Christmas break for fuck's sake!"

I sighed. "Okay, pose for me."

Thomas struck a classic body building pose, arms curved
upward, muscles flexed.  "You're right, your muscles are
bigger."  I smiled.

He beamed at me. "Yes!" he shouted and headed into the
bathroom.  Kenny, Amanda, and Rich were supposed to be over
soon, and I assumed he wanted to be dressed when they
arrived.

I picked up the discarded book and set it aside. 
Christmas break. My first year at Starfleet Academy, away
from home at last, and how was I spending it? Studying in
my dorm room. Yeah, just call me "Mr. Party Animal."

I hadn't lied when I'd told Tom I had to do well in my
classes.  I'd heard it myself all my life . . .

"You have to do better, James."
"Just look at George, he got perfect marks again."
"Why can't you be more like your brother?"

George Samuel Kirk -- sometimes I felt like I'd spent my
whole life living in the shadow of my older brother. It was
always the same old thing, no matter if it was from my mom,
my dad, or my numerous aunts, uncles and cousins.  Sam was
the perfect one who could do no wrong.  I was determined to
break away from the same mold they'd cast me into, so I
found myself taking, and passing, the entrance exam for
Starfleet Academy. I might have bucked tradition by joining
the "military", but some habits were hard to break. I was
still determined to do my best and show my family that I
was every bit as good as Sam. 

Sometimes I just wanted to scream in frustration.  Didn't
anyone care about me? About who I wanted to be? I didn't
want to be some clone of my brother -- I longed to be
original, spontaneous, carefree.  Easy to wish for, harder
to do. Especially when you've had close to 19 years of
"responsibility" and "duty" hammered into you.  

The arrival of Kenny, Amanda and Rich, and the aromatic
pizza they carried interrupted my musings.  Tom joined us,
clothed by then, and we dug in.  

The five of us had all met in our Principles of Warp
Theory class, and had become quick friends.  I was the shy,
quiet one of the group, Amanda was the daughter of a
diplomat. With her blonde hair and blue-eyed good looks,
people sometimes asked if we were related.  Kenny and Rich
were both on the engineering track, and were as different
as night and day, in both looks and personality.  Tom had
been my assigned roommate since day one.  Vivacious and a
bit promiscuous, he was on the command track, same as me. 
Despite our personality differences, we got along quite
well together.

"You know what we should do?" Kenny was saying.  "We
should go out and have some fun tonight.  Off-campus for a
change."

"Where at, in town?" Amanda asked with a grimace of
distaste. San Francisco had a good number of hot-spots, but
she'd already explored most of them. 

Kenny grinned widely.  "Oh no, not in town.  I've got
something better."

"Anything beats sitting around here watching some suckass
Christmas move on the vid-screen," Tom put in.

His statement pretty much summed up the way all of us were
feeling. Christmas break had seen most of our Academy mates
traveling back home for the holidays. We'd all elected to
stay on campus for various reasons, and it was quickly
becoming boring. Well, at least for some of the group; thus
far I'd been content to get in some extra studying.

"Well, out with it!" Amanda prodded, slapping Kenny on the
arm.

"We, my friends, are going to crash a fraternity party!"
He looked around at us with this goofy expression on his
face like we were supposed to instantly start worshipping
him.

"Hello, there are no fraternities around.  What are you
going to do, shit one?" Tom's sarcasm kind of grew on you.  

"No titswitch, we're going on a road trip," he countered,
dangling the keys to the hovercar his dad had given him for
his birthday.  He leaned forward getting serious for a
change.  "U of C at Los Angeles is only a couple hours
drive from here.  Alpha Chi Rho is having their annual
'Christmas Slam!' tonight, and we are going to crash it."

"But it's a fraternity," Rich spoke up. "How's Amanda
gonna get in?"  

Kenny slapped him upside the head.  "Think, moron.  Do you
actually think that the biggest frat party in four counties
is not going to have girls there?"  He shook his head.

"I don't know--" I started to say 

"No!" Tom shouted. "You are not going to do this.  If I'm
going, you're going, and I'm damn well going! I'm not
taking any shit excuses from you. You can let go and have
fun for one goddamn evening, you hear me?"

Oookay.  I was cowed just enough to give in.  "I was just
going to say that I don't know if I have anything clean to
wear," I covered.

Tom grabbed my hand and jumped up.  "Come on, you can wear
something of mine. I wondered at the butterflies in my
stomach.

- * -

After an uneventful and short drive down to Los Angeles,
we arrived at U of C, and the two story, Georgian mansion
replica that served as Alpha Chi Rho's frat house.  We'd
been forced to park several blocks away. No one thought to
ask Kenny how we were going to convince people we were U of
C students and were supposed to be there. I figured that if
someone asked me questions about my classes or where I was
staying, I'd just claim a stomachache and run to the
bathroom.  

"Come on!" Amanda pushed lightly on the middle of my back
and I stumbled forward.  I was wearing platforms, something
I'd never done before, and it was going to take walking
around in them for a while to get used to them.  

I was dreading this with every part of my being.  I wasn't
used to going to parties, to being in social situations.  I
was a wallflower to the core.  I was beginning to wonder if
Kenny had slipped some type of drug into the pizza.  I
couldn't believe I'd gone along with them of my own
volition.

The inside of the house was ablaze with lights, and music
blared from a small band set up in one corner of the living
room.  I could barely see them through the crush of people.
Kenny and Rich had disappeared as soon as we'd got there.
We had arranged to meet back at the car at 2 a.m. That
would give us close to four hours to party. 

I stuck close to Tom.  I wasn't ready to be cut loose on
my own, and probably wouldn't be ready any time soon. He'd
dug up the retro platform shoes for me, along with black
leather pants, a black suede shirt that was open almost to
my navel and a black leather jacket. I felt alien - it was
so unlike anything I'd choose on my own.  At the same time,
I imagined it could be pretty liberating, like playing a
role.  If only I could shed the years of inhibitions that I
wore like a shield.

I followed in Tom's wake, one hand on his shoulder, when
someone shoved me from behind.   I stumbled into a guy
standing next to me and almost knocked him over.  Those
shoes again!  "I'm so sorry," I apologized, already looking
around for Tom. 

"No problem," the stranger said.  I finally looked up at
him.  He had to have been the biggest guy I'd ever seen. 
Even his teeth had muscles.  Recognition hit me then.
"Finnegan?"

"Here," he said, shoving a cup of what I assumed to be
beer into my hand.  "You look like you could use a drink."

"Uh," I said, automatically taking the beer. I expected
him to start pounding on me at any moment. Ever since the
first day of classes, Sean Finnegan had shown himself to be
a bully of the worst caliber, and had made tormenting me
his sole purpose in life. "What are you doing here?" 

"The same as you, I imagine, only I didn't have to crash.
My cousin goes here."

"Oh." I would just put his jovial mood down to the spirit
of the season and all that Christmas hooey, and get out of
there, fast. "Have fun," I said and turned to leave.

"Hey," he said, putting a beefy hand on my shoulder.
"What's the rush?"

"I need to find my roommate." 

Finnegan laughed. "In this crowd it'd be like trying to
find a Vulcan in…well, in a room full of Vulcans. Just
stick with me, I'll make sure no one bothers you," he
replied.  Actually he was yelling, as was I.  You had to,
to be heard over the band and everyone else yelling.

He tipped the cup gently, pressing it to my lips.  I only
meant to take a small sip, but he upended the cup, and I
ended up taking a gulp.  I was not much of a drinker,
having maybe two glasses of wine a year, and those at
family gatherings.

I coughed, earning a bone-crunching pat on the back from
my new-found friend.  "Are you okay?"

I nodded my head vigorously.  God, the last thing I needed
was to show weakness in front of my nemesis. Now that the
beer had gone down, and gone down the right way, I decided
that it wasn't as bad as I'd first thought.  Maybe one
glass wouldn't hurt.

- * -

"Where are we going again?" 

"You said you wanted to look for your friend, right?"
Finnegan was leading me at a fast clip through the crowds
in various rooms.  "You can look for him while I find my
cousin."

I was dragged through so many different rooms, saw so many
different people, my head started to spin.  "Wait!" I
shouted, needing to catch my breath.

"You need to rest?  Okay, I'll find you a quiet room where
you can rest."  We were upstairs now, and he flung open the
next door we came to.  It was occupied.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed, then immediately slapped my hand
over my mouth.  I never cursed like that.  I blamed it on
the second glass of beer I'd drunk.

The girl on her knees never even looked up. Neither did
the guy in front of her.

Finnegan slammed the door.  "Sorry."    

"Hey Sean, how's it hangin'?"  Another heavily muscled guy
came up to us, grabbing Sean in a bear hug and lifting him
off the floor, something I didn't think was possible.

"Better'n yours, Squeaky."  Finnegan grinned.

"Who's this?"  Squeaky nodded in my direction.

"Oh," Finnegan grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. 
"This is Kirk. Kirk, meet Squeaky, my cousin."

I stuck my hand out toward him, and was rewarded with
another plastic cup of beer, instead of a handshake.  

"Come on," Squeaky was saying, heading for the stairs. 
"Let's find Tiny, Scarlet and the others.  I got a great
idea."

Finnegan pulled me along after him.  I sipped on the beer.
I didn't know what the big deal about drinking was - this
was my third one and I felt just fine.

- * -

"Jimmy?  What the fuck are you doing?"  

I tilted my head and looked down. "Hi Tom!" I shouted,
waving down to the blur that I thought was him. I giggled
and hiccuped.

"Get down from there before you break your neck," Tom
ordered

"Don't be such a spoilsport," someone admonished him.  

"Yeah! Don't be a spoilsport!" I seconded.

I ignored the commotion below, and resumed the pose I'd
affected, my legs dangling out in front of me, head tilted
back, arms extended backward propping me up. I was perched
atop the duranium University of California sign, naked as
the day I was born.  My feet weren't the only thing
dangling over the side of the sign. It's amazing what four
beers will do to a person.  I'd lost inhibitions I never
knew I had.

A head appeared over the top of the sign.  

"Tom! How'd you get up here -- you can fly too?"  I
frowned. No, that wasn't right, people couldn't fly.  I
looked down at the small crowd below.  But how had I gotten
up there?

"Come on, Jimmy boy. Let's get you down from here."

"Oh, Tom Tommy Tom Tom.  I'm sooooooo sleepy.  Just ten
minutes, okay?" I lay back down and closed my eyes.

Tom grabbed my arms and pulled me to a sitting position.
"Let's get you down from here, then you can sleep as long
as you want."

I pursed my lips is disapproval, but allowed Tom to help
me down the ladder. Once on the ground, Tom wrapped his
jacket around me. "What in the hell were you doing up
there?" he started questioning.

"I was just playing Truth or Dare with my new friends,
Tom.  Tom Pom." I giggled. I couldn't help myself.  "Guess
which one I picked?"

He ignored my question.  "It's two thirty, Jimmy. We were
getting worried about you." He looked around.  "I don't
suppose you know where your clothes are?"

Someone handed him my discarded clothes, and he took them
with a terse, "Thank you."  

"Bye, Kirk.  I'll see you around," Finnegan called out as
Tom led me away.

I looked over my shoulder and gave him a thumbs-up.  

Tom just glared.  "Was that Finnegan I saw you with?"

"Yepperdoodles."

Tom snorted. "What's got into you, Jimmy?  I've often told
you to loosen up some, but hell, you're the last person I'd
thought would ever do something like that."

"I know, Tom, and that's what's so liberating!" I had to
force myself to concentrate on what I wanted to say. "I
didn't have to be staid, stuffy old Jim Kirk tonight.  I
could just be Jimmy, the guy who drank homemade beer and
played Truth or Dare with Finnegan, Squeaky and the gang. 
I didn't have to uphold anyone's honor, or image, but my
own."

"But that's not who you are--"

"How do you know?"  I was thinking more clearly now.  "How
can I be myself if I'm so busy being who my parents and the
rest of my family expect me to be?"  I stopped and looked
at him.  "I enjoyed myself tonight, Tom, for the first time
in a long time.  Is that so bad?"

He thought for a moment and then grinned.  "No, I guess it
isn't.  But you put yourself in a very vulnerable position,
Jimmy.  You were up there, drunk. What if you'd lost your
balance? I'd hate to have called a med-team to scrape you
off the street."

"I hadn't thought of that." I felt like crying.

"Just ease out of your cocoon gradually, okay?  No more
leaps off tall buildings.  Or onto tall signs." He gave me
a friendly hug.

I got the giggles again.   "You have to admit, that was
pretty cool, huh?"

"How many beers did it take to `convince' you?"

I scrunched up my nose.  "Four, I think. Or maybe five."

"No more beer for you, young man."  He started leading me
toward the hovercar again.  "Let's duck behind those bushes
over there and get you dressed again.  I think this is one
story that we won't share with Kenny or Rich, okay?"

"Nor Amanda," I added.

"Nor Amanda," he agreed.

On impulse, I hugged him.

"Quit turning all sappy on me," he stammered, slapping me
on the butt. "Hurry up and dress before one of the others
comes looking for us."

- * -

It would have been nice to forget that the night ever
happened, only it gave me a taste of freedom that I'd never
known before.  I still buckled down to my studies, but I
didn't automatically turn down the group every time they
invited me out.  I started borrowing Tom's clothes on
occasion, and even took a big step and had my hair streaked
with dirty blonde lowlights.  My parents were shocked at
first, but as there wasn't much they could do about it,
they didn't raise too much of a stink.

Another side effect of that night was "the picture".  Just
my luck, someone in the group that night had a vid and
caught me atop the U of C sign, in all my naked glory. 
Finnegan had been behind it of course, the two-faced
s.o.b.. Kenny brought a flyer by the dorm room one night. 
He said Finnegan was in the campus rec room passing them
out. There on the flyer was the picture of me, with a
heading, "Sexy Coed Shows All."  Underneath was a plea for
the mystery man in the picture to come forward. 

I almost died of embarrassment.  Once the mortification
wore off, I realized that it was titillating, knowing that
tons of people had seen the picture.  When I'd been naked,
up there on the sign, I hadn't thought about being seen as
a sex symbol, or being the object of some person's fantasy.
I was just enjoying doing something so totally unexpected. 
Now that I thought about it, it turned me on, knowing that
some girls, or even guys, out there might be looking at my
picture and getting off on it.

I was called into Admiral Howell's office the next day for
a formal reprimand. They didn't take too kindly to one of
their bright and promising cadets being caught in that kind
of situation. 

My fellow cadets were surprisingly mellow about the whole
thing. I took some good-natured ribbing for the next few
days, then it all seemed to fade away.   

* * * * *

Kirk finished his story, waiting for Spock's reaction. He
didn't have to wait long.

"Am I to infer that there is some moral or lesson to this
story?"

"Yes, there is. I learned who I was that night. I realized
that I didn't have to please anyone but myself. I became
thankful for realizing that before it was too late; before
my parents, my teachers…even myself…quashed the wonderful,
unique spirit inside of me.  I decided then and there to be
myself, no matter who that person was, and to hell with
anyone who turned their nose up at me."

"And that is why you like to celebrate at Christmas time?
Because your epiphany happened during that time?"

"Partly," Kirk answered. "I realized that it was okay to
sometimes listen to my heart and not my mind on occasion.
It didn't mean I was--"

"Illogical?" Spock supplied.

"Yes, illogical." He wrapped his arms around Spock and
hugged him close. "I also like to celebrate at Christmas
because I'm just a party animal at heart." He chuckled.

"I think I see your…logic," Spock said. 

Kirk leaned forward and kissed him beside his ear. In a
husky voice he asked, "Care to join me in getting a jump
start on the celebrating?"

Spock turned his head, capturing Kirk's lips with his own.
"I'm always ready to celebrate, as long as it is with you,"
he murmured. 

 
THE END