A form of this essay has previously appeared in "Bared Affair," an on-line spoof magazine (issue 2.08). SERIAL TEEN by Joe Whatever The recent media sensation surrounding Treva Throneberry, the 31-year-old woman who was arrested for masquerading as a teenaged high school student, reveals a disturbing trend. In ever-increasing numbers, adult women are foresaking their adult responsibilities and voluntarily returning to their adolescent years. "There's a sense of being empty inside, so empty that being yourself is undesirable, and making a new persona is preferable," Miss Throneberry confided to a boyfriend at the high school she illegally attended. It's no wonder, she said, that she would seek to return to the happiest years of her life, when things were simple - when she was a teenager. "With great power comes great responsibility" is a popular adage. But the corollary is also true: no responsibility means no power. What most of these so-called "adult" women fail to realize is that, by foresaking their adult rights, they are agreeing to be disciplined as teenagers. By surrendering adulthood, they are in effect placing their bare bottoms over their mothers' knees and handing them the hairbrush. ****************************** Rapid Transformations Many of the young women are amazed at how rapid and complete the transformation is. "My daughter Susan had been complaining about her job on Wall Street for years, and I finally agreed to let her move back in with me," explained Rachel Rogers, 58, of Stamford, Connecticut. Young women are finding that their "second childhood" is filled with surprises. "On Day One, she signed the power of attorney forms that transferred all of her assets to me. Since her thousand dollar suits and designer outfits were inappropriate for a teenager, I took her to Wal-Mart. Suzie's petite size meant I was able to buy most of her clothes in the cheaper 'Junior Miss' department. Now little Suzie is as cute as a button!" Miss Rogers, 29, tells a different story. "My Mom and the salesclerk agreed that my 'little apple boobies' were too small for my Wonder Bras, so now I wear these little half shirts that totally flatten out my chest," she whined. "Every outfit I have shows my bellybutton, and my panties all have little clowns and animals on them. "I didn't realize how young I looked until I got into an argument about my hairstyle at the beauty salon," she added. "When Mom turned me over her knee, pulled up my little skirt and took down my 'Barney' underpants, all of the other women in the parlor just laughed. Needless to say, I came home from the mall with my face as red as my bottom - and my once stylish hair in pigtails." Across North America, young women are finding their "second childhoods" filled with similar surprises. "As a school administrator, I've always been envious of my students' simple lives," said Barbara Woolworthy, 26, of Toronto. "So naturally I jumped at the chance to spend a sabbatical year as Mum's teenage daughter. Imagine my surprise when she enrolled me as a student at my own school." As an administrator, Miss Woolworthy had ignored her female students' complaints about the school uniform, but, when she donned the outfit herself, she realized just how short the skirt was. "I was constantly trying to cover my panties," she moaned. "My old joke that 'short skirts are easier to raise at spanking time' rang hollow as I watched my grinning mother complete the 'Corporal Punishment Authorization' forms. Miss Henderson, the gym teacher, doesn't hesitate to swat my fanny when I don't jump high enough or run fast enough," the young woman said, woefully. "She's always making an excuse to come over and talk to me while I'm in the shower. She keeps telling me how cute I am and how my tight little bottom was made for spanking. I hate having to shower in front of her, but I've just got a teenager's rights now, and nude showers are state law. I know she's just dying for me to screw up so she can send me to the principal's office for a paddling." Although her mother had enthusiastically agreed to school discipline, the first paddling "Barbie" got was still a shock. "Melissa - I mean, Miss Martin, the English teacher -- had been friends with me for years. I couldn't believe it when she marched me down to the principal's office just because I forgot to turn in her stupid old essay." Any illusions Miss Woolworthy had about the new principal going easy on her were quickly dashed. "She sentenced me to 10 strokes of the paddle, without my panties. It was painful and embarrassing; especially with my 'friend' Melissa watching with her arms folded and smiling like the cat who had just swallowed the canary." ****************************** Power Is Key Psychologists who have studied serial teens agree that the loss of power and control is key to a successful transformation. "These women are seeking the love and security they knew in childhood," explained Harlan Benton, Ph.D., the noted Harvard psychologist. "They feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with the pressures of their daily lives, and they are looking for a maternal figure to take control." Moreover, he noted, "Money is power, which is why stripping away their financial and legal rights is essential. These women are crying out for loving discipline, and they can't be allowed to buy their way out of the corrections they so desperately need." They must wear clothing appropriate to their new identities. "These girls should be required to dress appropriately," Dr. Benton added. "Expensive clothes are an important part of a successful career woman's identity, and they must be stripped away. Designer dresses should be replaced with t-shirts and short-shorts, and diamond earrings with cheap plastic hoops. The revealing fashions of today might make them feel insecure and self-conscious, but that is price of being a teen girl today," Dr. Benton said, with a chuckle. "A little insecurity never did a girl any harm." When your actual mother doesn't understand your desire to return to your youth, a "surrogate mommy" will suffice. "I was the youngest member of our weekly bridge club, and Agnes was the oldest," said television news producer Debra Murray, 24. Mrs. Agnes Tyler was the 42-year-old mother of three teenaged girls, and she seemed to understand Miss Murray implicitly. "When I told the club about my desire to be a teen again, everyone laughed - except Agnes." Unfortunately for Miss Murray, they laughed even harder at the next club meeting, when "Debbie" showed up wearing the midriff-baring "belly shirt" so popular with today's teens. "Agnes explained to everyone that I was living with her and that, for all intents and purposes, I was a teenager again. Unfortunately, she also explained that meant old-fashioned parental discipline. I blushed crimson when she pointed to the razor strap hanging in the corner." Miss Murray was now too young to play cards, but "Aunt Agnes" did allow her to fetch drinks and wait on the table. The afternoon progressed nicely until one of the players teasingly asked "Debbie" if she had to do "corner time" after her spankings. The young woman responded by "accidentally" spilling a drink down the front of her antagonist's dress. "I guess it wasn't a very convincing accident, since Agnes headed straight for the razor strap," Miss Murray said, ruefully. "I begged her to spank me in private, but everyone agreed that, since I misbehaved in front of the group, I should be punished in front of the group, too. The truth is I'm a bit of a princess, and I think the other women in the group were dying to see me get it." "Aunt Agnes" then bent the young woman over the back of a kitchen chair so that her bare bottom was sticking up in the air. "It was hard to stand there with my hands on top of my head and my panties and jeans down around my ankles, while my friends casually discussed my discipline. The general consensus was that 'bare was best,' and everyone in the club volunteered to help." She paused in reflection before drawing a tentative conclusion. "Although the spanking was unbelievably embarrassing, I have to admit that I had it coming, and it was for my own good. It was only fair." "Strict, but fair" seems to be a recurring theme. "I hated the spankings, at least at first," one former MBA explained. "The realization that any adult could take down my panties and spank my bare butt was totally humiliating. But the fact is that I never get spanked unless I deserve it." Many mothers are also surprised by their own reactions. "Christine can be a handful, but, once I started spanking her, I felt totally in control," explained one mother of an adult daughter. "What surprised me was how much I enjoyed disciplining her. I love watching her blush and squirm when I pull her panties down. Sometimes the little minx needs to be taken down a peg or two, and spanking the freshness out of her is enormously satisfying." "My daughter graduated with Honors from Stanford Law School," another mother confided. "And she still thinks she can argue her way out of anything. She thinks she's smarter than everyone. But she loses her ginger when she sees the hairbrush in my hand. Now when she sasses me, she ends up pleading her case with her bare bottom wiggling over my knee," she chuckles. "Exercising my maternal authority is very empowering, and it's wonderful to finally win an argument with my daughter. The brush is my gavel, and all my decisions are final!" ****************************** Re-learning the Old Rules The serial teens quickly learn that curfews and bad language now lead to bare-bottom justice. "I got angry with a salesclerk who told me to wait outside because there were 'too many kids' in the store," former software analyst Mona Mills, 25, explained. "Unfortunately someone in the store overheard what I called the clerk, and, when I got home, my mom was waiting for me with a bar of soap to wash out my filthy mouth...and a hickory switch to 'impress' the lesson upon me. The worst part was that afterwards she marched me back to the store, and I had to apologize to the clerk and tell her exactly how Mom had punished me. I still had the soap bubbles coming out of my mouth, and the clerk thought it was hysterical when Mom made me take down my pants and show her my stripes." Serial teens are routinely punished for actions that were previously acceptable. "My mom took away all of my 'contraband' when I moved in with her, but I still managed to hide my vibrator," one 20-something woman explained sheepishly. "When Mom found it, she went absolutely ballistic, and I got it but good. I do try not to masturbate, but that only makes me want to do it more. I know that, if my mother catches me, I won't sit down for a week." Other serial teens have experienced similar problems adapting to the limitations of their new age. "I had agreed to spend the summer at my mom's as a teenager, but when my fiancι visited me from the city, he still wanted to have sex," Jenny Wilson, 28, explained. "We couldn't buy anything at the drug store, since the pharmacist knew who I was. And, naturally, Mom had confiscated all of my birth control when I moved in. I felt a knot in my stomach when I realized that I really was a teenager again. Either I'd risk losing my guy or risk being ridden bareback!" Being a teenager in her mind, Miss Wilson made the worst decision possible. "Like an idiot, I decided to shoplift a package of condoms," she said with a sigh. "The snippy little sales clerk called my mom, and she brought the hairbrush to the store. I ended up spending the rest of the day in Aisle 3 with my spanked fanny on display, holding the package of condoms against the shelf with my nose!" She was mortified, but admitted that she'd learned a lesson. "I've been a good girl ever since. Either I keep my panties on, or Mom will take them down for me." ****************************** Rocky Teenage Years Some women have it harder the second time around. Dr. Paula Orleans was a model student during her first stint as a teenager, but her return trip was a different story. "I just couldn't handle the discipline," she admits. "As a surgeon, I was used to being in charge and in control. The spankings helped keep me in line, I guess, but I still felt the need to rebel." Her disenchantment with her new life eventually caused her to run away. With no financial resources, Paula was soon eating out of dumpsters, and the 29-year-old woman eventually began working as a teen prostitute. When the police returned her home, Dr. Orleans's mother faced a difficult decision. "Paula said that her teen transformation had been a mistake, and she begged me to let her return to her medical practice," Mrs. Orleans said. "But I decided to send her to a reformatory instead. She hates her school uniform, and she knows the headmistress will cane her for the tiniest infraction. But the place is a fortress, and at least I know she won't escape." Although some serial teens regret their decision, the vast majority adapt quickly and successfully - aided in no small part by a handy hairbrush. The increasing popularity of the trend has prompted one legislature to codify the trend into law. "The new Serial Teen Form will allow a woman to transfer legal, financial, and disciplinary control back to her actual mother -- or a surrogate -- with a one-page notarized form," Legislator Sandra Kelps explained. "The Serial Teen is allowed to specify a time limit when she signs the form, but naturally all of the other details are left up to Mom." The representative chuckled as she continued. "Some of these women don't appreciate what they're agreeing to, which is one of the advantages of my form. It makes it crystal clear that the woman is agreeing to give up all of her adult legal rights and to comply with whatever form of discipline her mother deems best." She added ruefully that, "of course, some of the women still don't get it...even though the statutory form makes it perfectly clear, they just don't believe that their Mommies would ever SPANK them!" When asked about her plan to sign the form herself at the conclusion of the legislative session, Ms. Kelps was enthusiastic. "My mom and I have already argued about the clothes I'll wear," the legislator said with a laugh. "I don't think she'd really make me wear all of those teenybopper clothes she has in my closet, but I've gone on a diet, just in case." When the subject turned to discipline, Rep. Kelps's tone became more tentative. "Mom bought a paddle with the words, 'For Sandy's BARE Bottom' inscribed on it, along with a little picture of a bear rubbing its fanny," she said nervously. "But I think she's just trying to scare me. I mean - she wouldn't REALLY spank me - not on the bare," Sandy says, her voice trailing off. "Would she?" Edited by C. Lakewood