VOTER SPREAD-ISTRATION by Joe Doe RACHEL: I'd like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me today, Sheriff, and doing this interview. SHERIFF: Don't mention it, Rachel. I'm a big fan of yours, actually. You liberal gals, the way you toot off, you're always good for a laugh. RACHEL: Thanks...I guess. Now I'm here to talk to you about your controversial "Voter Spread-istration Law." SHERIFF: Ain't no controversy down here, honey. The boys all think it's a fine idea. As you can see, there's the voting booths, and there's the exam tables, with the stirrups all locked-and-loaded. RACHEL: Who decides if a voter is subject to a strip search, and how is the decision made? SHERIFF: We got some good old boys who volunteered to be "judges" for the day, of what they like to call the "Miss College Pussy Pageant." Ha-ha. No, seriously, Rachel, the judges will decide who is searched, based on a number of objective criteria. RACHEL: Like what? SHERIFF: Age, for one thing, and if the girl is hot, for another. Most of the hot girls around here are from the college, and they tend to skew liberal. They're wanting us taxpayers to pay for their birth control, so we give 'em counseling...up in the stirrups, with their legs spread. RACHEL: What sort of counseling? SHERIFF: We ask 'em if they're virgins and check to see if they're lying. Then we ask 'em about their boyfriends, and how often they diddle themselves, and whether they swallow.... RACHEL: What does that have to do with voting? SHERIFF: Not a thing. But, like Rush said, if they want me to pay for 'em being sluts, then I might as well enjoy the show. RACHEL: And that's what the cameras are for? SHERIFF: That's right, Rachel. That Google machine is a marvel. Just type in "Voter Spread-istration," and you'll be able to watch all the videos on-line. RACHEL: Don't you think that violates a woman's privacy? SHERIFF: Privacy, piffle! If they want to keep their coochies private, they can stay home and not vote. 'Bout time we got a decent Congressman, 'stead of one of those liberals in disguise. RACHEL: So what do you say to critics who charge this is simply a plot to suppress the vote? SHERIFF: Nuttin' could be further from the truth. I got 15 exam tables set up, and, if we get an overflow, I'm ready to search 'em outside. Me and the boys hope every hottie on campus shows up. RACHEL: And you're not searching the men? SHERIFF: Well, we could, under the law. We do got one guy who wants to do it, old Toothless Chester, but he's a bit funny, if you catch my drift...which I know you do. We might let him cuff a few of those hunky college studs and have a little fun in the other room. But the other guys, well, let's just say they're a big fan of you Obama Girls. RACHEL: Are you targeting college women for harassment to satisfy your own twisted desires? SHERIFF: Nothing wrong with a man loving his work, liberal-girl. As for the targeting, we ain't searching all the college girls. In Texas, you can register to vote with a gun license, but not a college ID. If a girl shows her gun license, we know she's got a "right" to vote, if you catch my drift, and she can go straight to the booths. And registered Republicans are okay. And you can get one of those little exemption slips...at church. RACHEL: So this isn't just a conservative.... SHERIFF: Let me stop you right there, Miss Media Elite. We're doing this FOR the girls, to educate them, and to encourage them to stop their slutting around. Why, we're even goin' green. RACHEL: Excuse me? SHERIFF: Guys complain that the powdered rubber gloves make their hands all dry and itchy, so we just put in a sink, with a special sanitary spritzer thing to sterilize their hands with. That way we can process all the girls bare handed and not waste a lot of taxpayer money on those environmentally unfriendly plastic gloves. RACHEL: That's very thoughtful of you. SHERIFF: It doesn't stop there. We're not using any of those lubricants, which as you know are petroleum-based. That's why we got a whole box of these. RACHEL: Vibrators? You mean.... SHERIFF: That's right, we're going to switch on the vibrators and let the girls lube themselves. We're going to keep rubbing 'em, of course. We ask 'em how many dicks they suck, and whether they've ever gone black, and how often they take it up their poop-chutes. We're going to keep on rubbing until they get all nice and slick. A few of the guys say they're going to make each girl cum on camera, but of course that's up to the judge. RACHEL: But.... SHERIFF: No butts about it, Rachel, except maybe yours, when I make you spread your cheeks so I can check out that tight little winker. Don't be whining now; watching your show gave me the idea. You liberals are always gassing about your Volts and hybrids and how you want to go electric and get rid of fossil fuels. I'm just taking you at your word. RACHEL: Do you think spending tax dollars on.... SHERIFF: Wrong again, Professor. All the guys are volunteers, so it won't cost the taxpayers nothing. There's the exam tables, but the ads from the videos are going to pay for those, plus a tidy little profit for yours truly, for thinking up this fine idea. RACHEL: And what are those three benches outside for? SHERIFF: We figure some of the ladies might not cotton to voter spread-istration. So we got three razor straps, which we'll oil up all nice and slick, and, if a girl gives us any liberal lip, we'll take her outside and tan her backside good. Ha-ha! She'll wiggle around on the table like a fish out of water when she's putting all her weight on two freshly tanned buns. RACHEL: So, you've oiled these razor straps? SHERIFF: Only one of 'em. We wanted it to be ready for you. We figure you can oil the other two up this week, at the county jail, by running it between your legs. You and your all-lesbo camera crew. RACHEL: I don't understand. SHERIFF: Of course you don't understand nothin'; you're a liberal. You a registered voter? RACHEL: Of course. SHERIFF: And the gals on your crew? RACHEL: The "gals" on my crew volunteered because this is an issue of special importance to women. And yes, we are all registered. We pride ourselves on doing our civic duty to.... SHERIFF: Yeah, right, blah-blah-blah. Now you see that nice row of cardboard boxes against the wall? I want you and each of your crew to use a magic marker we provide to write your name on the side of a box. Then you can put your purse and clothes and shit in the box. All of it. Every stitch. RACHEL: You want us to strip? Strip naked? Here? In front of you? With all those cameras in the ceiling watching us? SHERIFF: Wow, for a PhD you're pretty smart. Everything off. From sneakers up to those big old Clark Kent brain-iac glasses you like to wear. Can't believe you'd show up here looking like a college kid. RACHEL: But you can't strip-search me! The election isn't for.... SHERIFF: Read the law, Miss Bookworm. You're a registered voter, and this is a polling place. Besides, lipping off like that is resistin'. So you just earned yourself a butt warming outside AND a week on the prison farm. Plenty of time for you to oil up the other two straps with your lezzie lube, when you're not bendin' over to help break the straps in. The only question is how many strokes of the strap you goin' to get -- 6? 12? Maybe 18? Let's go...spit-spat! That's right, girls, toe the line, so the camera can see you. Gosh, you sure do blush purty! Good girl, that's right, nice and slow...no rush. Let's start with those sneakers, Rachel.... Edited by C. Lakewood