VOTER SPREAD-ISTRATION

                              by

                           Joe Doe




RACHEL: I'd like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me 
today, Sheriff, and doing this interview.

SHERIFF: Don't mention it, Rachel.  I'm a big fan of yours, 
actually.  You liberal gals, the way you toot off, you're 
always good for a laugh.

RACHEL: Thanks...I guess.  Now I'm here to talk to you about your 
controversial "Voter Spread-istration Law."

SHERIFF: Ain't no controversy down here, honey.  The boys all think 
it's a fine idea.  As you can see, there's the voting booths, and 
there's the exam tables, with the stirrups all locked-and-loaded.

RACHEL: Who decides if a voter is subject to a strip search, and 
how is the decision made?

SHERIFF: We got some good old boys who volunteered to be "judges" 
for the day, of what they like to call the "Miss College Pussy 
Pageant."  Ha-ha.  No, seriously, Rachel, the judges will decide 
who is searched, based on a number of objective criteria.

RACHEL: Like what?

SHERIFF: Age, for one thing, and if the girl is hot, for another.  
Most of the hot girls around here are from the college, and they 
tend to skew liberal.  They're wanting us taxpayers to pay for 
their birth control, so we give 'em counseling...up in the 
stirrups, with their legs spread.

RACHEL: What sort of counseling?

SHERIFF: We ask 'em if they're virgins and check to see if they're 
lying.  Then we ask 'em about their boyfriends, and how often they 
diddle themselves, and whether they swallow....

RACHEL: What does that have to do with voting?

SHERIFF: Not a thing.  But, like Rush said, if they want me to pay 
for 'em being sluts, then I might as well enjoy the show.

RACHEL: And that's what the cameras are for?

SHERIFF: That's right, Rachel.  That Google machine is a marvel.  
Just type in "Voter Spread-istration," and you'll be able to 
watch all the videos on-line.

RACHEL: Don't you think that violates a woman's privacy?

SHERIFF: Privacy, piffle!  If they want to keep their coochies 
private, they can stay home and not vote.  'Bout time we got a 
decent Congressman, 'stead of one of those liberals in disguise.

RACHEL: So what do you say to critics who charge this is simply a 
plot to suppress the vote?

SHERIFF: Nuttin' could be further from the truth.  I got 15 exam 
tables set up, and, if we get an overflow, I'm ready to search 
'em outside.  Me and the boys hope every hottie on campus shows up.

RACHEL: And you're not searching the men?

SHERIFF: Well, we could, under the law.  We do got one guy who 
wants to do it, old Toothless Chester, but he's a bit funny, if 
you catch my drift...which I know you do.  We might let him cuff 
a few of those hunky college studs and have a little fun in the 
other room.  But the other guys, well, let's just say they're a 
big fan of you Obama Girls.

RACHEL: Are you targeting college women for harassment to satisfy 
your own twisted desires?

SHERIFF: Nothing wrong with a man loving his work, liberal-girl.  
As for the targeting, we ain't searching all the college girls.  
In Texas, you can register to vote with a gun license, but not a 
college ID.  If a girl shows her gun license, we know she's got a 
"right" to vote, if you catch my drift, and she can go straight to 
the booths.  And registered Republicans are okay.  And you can get 
one of those little exemption slips...at church.

RACHEL: So this isn't just a conservative....

SHERIFF: Let me stop you right there, Miss Media Elite.  We're 
doing this FOR the girls, to educate them, and to encourage them 
to stop their slutting around.  Why, we're even goin' green.

RACHEL: Excuse me?

SHERIFF: Guys complain that the powdered rubber gloves make their 
hands all dry and itchy, so we just put in a sink, with a special 
sanitary spritzer thing to sterilize their hands with.  That way 
we can process all the girls bare handed and not waste a lot of 
taxpayer money on those environmentally unfriendly plastic gloves.

RACHEL: That's very thoughtful of you.

SHERIFF: It doesn't stop there.  We're not using any of those 
lubricants, which as you know are petroleum-based.  That's why 
we got a whole box of these.

RACHEL: Vibrators?  You mean....

SHERIFF: That's right, we're going to switch on the vibrators and 
let the girls lube themselves.  We're going to keep rubbing 'em, 
of course.  We ask 'em how many dicks they suck, and whether 
they've ever gone black, and how often they take it up their 
poop-chutes.  We're going to keep on rubbing until they get all 
nice and slick.  A few of the guys say they're going to make 
each girl cum on camera, but of course that's up to the judge.

RACHEL: But....

SHERIFF: No butts about it, Rachel, except maybe yours, when I make 
you spread your cheeks so I can check out that tight little winker. 
Don't be whining now; watching your show gave me the idea.  You 
liberals are always gassing about your Volts and hybrids and how 
you want to go electric and get rid of fossil fuels.  I'm just 
taking you at your word.  

RACHEL: Do you think spending tax dollars on....

SHERIFF: Wrong again, Professor.  All the guys are volunteers, so 
it won't cost the taxpayers nothing.  There's the exam tables, but 
the ads from the videos are going to pay for those, plus a tidy 
little profit for yours truly, for thinking up this fine idea.

RACHEL: And what are those three benches outside for?

SHERIFF: We figure some of the ladies might not cotton to voter 
spread-istration.  So we got three razor straps, which we'll oil 
up all nice and slick, and, if a girl gives us any liberal lip, 
we'll take her outside and tan her backside good.  Ha-ha!  She'll 
wiggle around on the table like a fish out of water when she's 
putting all her weight on two freshly tanned buns.

RACHEL: So, you've oiled these razor straps?

SHERIFF: Only one of 'em.  We wanted it to be ready for you.  We 
figure you can oil the other two up this week, at the county jail, 
by running it between your legs.  You and your all-lesbo camera 
crew.

RACHEL: I don't understand.

SHERIFF: Of course you don't understand nothin'; you're a liberal.  
You a registered voter?

RACHEL: Of course.

SHERIFF: And the gals on your crew?  

RACHEL: The "gals" on my crew volunteered because this is an issue 
of special importance to women.  And yes, we are all registered.  
We pride ourselves on doing our civic duty to....

SHERIFF: Yeah, right, blah-blah-blah.  Now you see that nice row of 
cardboard boxes against the wall?  I want you and each of your crew 
to use a magic marker we provide to write your name on the side of 
a box.  Then you can put your purse and clothes and shit in the 
box.  All of it.  Every stitch.

RACHEL: You want us to strip?  Strip naked?  Here?  In front of 
you?  With all those cameras in the ceiling watching us?

SHERIFF: Wow, for a PhD you're pretty smart.  Everything off.  
From sneakers up to those big old Clark Kent brain-iac glasses 
you like to wear.  Can't believe you'd show up here looking 
like a college kid.

RACHEL: But you can't strip-search me!  The election isn't for....

SHERIFF: Read the law, Miss Bookworm.  You're a registered voter, 
and this is a polling place.  Besides, lipping off like that is 
resistin'.  So you just earned yourself a butt warming outside  
AND a week on the prison farm.  Plenty of time for you to oil up 
the other two straps with your lezzie lube, when you're not bendin' 
over to help break the straps in.  The only question is how many 
strokes of the strap you goin' to get -- 6?  12?  Maybe 18?  Let's 
go...spit-spat!

That's right, girls, toe the line, so the camera can see you.  
Gosh, you sure do blush purty!  Good girl, that's right, nice 
and slow...no rush.  Let's start with those sneakers, Rachel....



Edited by C. Lakewood