THE STRIP SEARCH AWARDS

                             by 

                          Joe Doe  


         AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. 
            I PRESENT...THE STRIP SEARCH AWARDS!


I created a few categories and nominees.  However, if others feel 
like adding any additional and Lakewood wishes to put this in a 
poll format when a category reaches critical mass, all the better.
I would encourage you to explain your nominee a bit.  Remember a 
lot of people might not have seen the movie.


Our first category is:

BEST PORTRAYAL OF HUMILIATION BY AN ACTRESS WHEN STRIPPING: 

Also referred to as the "most mortified" (or the "Morty" for 
short), this award is given to the actress who does the best 
job of portraying the deepest sense of shame and humiliation 
in a strip search situation.  

The nominees:

1) CHERYL LADD FOR CAGED ANGEL, DEATH IN CALIFORNIA, LOCKED UP, ETC: 
Between Charlie's Angels and all her Lifetime Television movies, 
the lovely Ms. Ladd has been in and out of prison more often than 
Robert Downey, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan combined.  
Nonetheless, she always makes each time seem like the first time 
and does an awesome job portraying a beautiful, innocent ice 
princess being introduced to the shame and humiliation of life 
behind bars.

The lithe Ms. Ladd is quite petite, which means that, when she's 
stripped of her fancy high heels and forced to parade around in 
her skimpy prison towel, barefoot, the guards tower over her.  Of 
course, eventually the moment comes when (gasp!) even the towel 
must go.  At these moments, Cheryl proves to be a master of the 
Joe Doe school of acting –- she bites her lip, looks away, looks 
up, looks at her bare feet, blanches, flinches, and appears totally 
mortified.  The fact that she's always being chucked into prison 
for a bogus or unfair reason makes her shame all the more delicious. 
Two big (gloved) fingers up for Ms. Ladd, and here's hoping there's 
many more such assignments in her future.

2) SALLY KELLERMAN IN M*A*S*H: Can any stripping fan forget the 
moment when the shower curtain rises and "Hot Lips" shows her 
colors?  Poor Hot Lips!  Soap in her eyes, naked as a jaybird, 
with nary a towel in sight, showering out in the open for all 
to see.  

Stripped of her rank, her title, and everything else, a public 
spectacle for the enjoyment of officers and (ahem!) lowly 
enlisted men alike.

Our plucky major doesn't take her humiliation standing up.  She 
crouches down to preserve a tiny shred of her dignity, but succeeds 
only in knocking over the bench that might have offered some 
minuscule amount of protection.  Was there, perhaps, a towel on 
that bench?  It doesn't matter; our silly little bunny, in her 
frantic struggles, has knocked it away.  

Looking every bit the complete bimbo, our bare ass bunny scoots 
backwards into the corner.  But the laws of gravity require her to 
lift her luscious naked bottom in the air for her grateful audience 
to enjoy.

And what an audience it is, with the boys shouting "encore" 
and "author" as if her shameful unveiling was a scheduled 
entertainment, a frolicsome theatrical lark to spice up an 
otherwise lazy afternoon.  Even the nurses seem to be amused, 
secretly delighted, no doubt, that their snotty boss has been 
taught a well-deserved lesson in humility.

Sally's virtuoso performance runs the full gambit: helplessness, 
humiliation, anger, bargaining, acceptance.  Sally moves through 
the several stages in 3 seconds.  From her comical squirming on 
the shower floor to her righteous indignation as she storms into 
Henry Blake's tent, still soapy and half naked, Sally's performance 
is a MAJOR delight.


MOST GRATUITOUS SEARCH:

Our second award (the "Gratuity") goes to the movie that presents 
the most outrageously gratuitous and clearly unnecessary strip 
search.  

This does not refer to cheap porn movies where the cop comes to 
the door and says, "Mind if I search you?" and the bored porn 
actress immediately disrobes.  Rather this award is granted to 
movies that attempt to realistically portray a shameless abuse 
of male authority.  

To qualify for a "Gratuity," the search should be unnecessary, and 
the female victim should be wholesome and innocent.  The search 
must be performed for no other reason than the twisted authority 
figure has the power to make it happen.

Our nominees are:

1) SWEET COUNTRY: Gosh, does physical fitness REALLY require women 
to play nude basketball?  El Capitan in charge of a group of female 
prisoners decides quite logically that the "exercise period" should 
be in the nude, and that the women should be spread out as they 
kneel naked on the floor and give themselves orgasms.  

The women do an excellent job portraying the shame and humiliation 
of a group of ordinary women being put through their paces.  I 
read somewhere that the women were in fact ordinary housewives, 
university students, professional women, and the like, who were 
given only a general idea of the nature of the scene before the 
cameras rolled.  Furthermore, the women were selected so as to 
represent a good cross section of society: "academic," "blue 
collar," "professional," "homemaker," etc.  Actresses or not, 
their distress seems quite genuine.

The necessity for such a search may be clear to males with a 
particularly keen sense of national security, but it will 
leave many women puzzled.  

2) DEATH WARRANT: Most prisons strip search male prisoners AFTER 
their conjugal visits.  In a rare innovation, this prison searches 
the FEMALE visitors BEFORE the visits.  Furthermore the searches 
are conducted by the male staff.

The injustice is compounded by the fact that we know the "prisoner" 
is in fact an undercover officer investigating the corrupt prison, 
and his "visitor" is his lovely partner.  

But law enforcement officer or not, "I'm afraid (ha!) I'm going to 
have to ask you to remove your clothing." 

And since (tragically) "no female officers are available," the 
comely cop has to perform her forced striptease to order in front 
of two grinning gorilla guards.

Speaking of tragedies, the filmmakers cut away while the actress 
is still removing her blouse.  However, the rather transparently 
medical nature of the room and the leering looks from the male 
guards made it clear to this particular viewer at least that the 
search would be painstakingly thorough.

3) SOUTH OF THE BORDER: In many judicial facilities, lawyers are 
routinely waved past security upon presentation of a license.  
Ditto for diplomats possessing diplomatic immunity.

What are we to do then with a lovely female lawyer from the embassy 
who has both a law degree AND diplomatic credentials?

Strip search!  

Despite her protests that "this isn't necessary," the lovely lawyer 
is groped and given a very thorough probing by the guard, a man who 
obviously enjoys his work.  

As if that isn't enough, the warden (an obvious proponent of Joe's 
"double check" policy from "The Worst Part is the Waiting") strips 
and probes the same lawyer again, despite her protests.  The 
warden, determined to "conduct his own investigation," clearly 
believes in a "hands-on approach."

Well, if it meant giving Ashley or Natalie a slow, lingering 
cavity search, I would insist on conducting my own investigation, 
too. 

4) PIT AND THE PENDULUM: A luscious young woman is stripped and 
groped by a group of judges so reactionary that even the Tea 
Party would filibuster them.  

The reason?  They have to search for the "witches mark," proof that 
an otherwise wholesome and chaste young woman is, in fact, Satan's 
concubine.

Satan, clever little devil that he is, never corrupts the wicked 
and always hides his mark in the most private and intimate of 
places.

The evil one's duplicity forces the truly just to strip lovely and 
innocent village girls butt naked, in an attempt to ferret out 
hidden evil.

Even though I don't believe in witches, I certainly believe in 
this particular method of witch detection.  The flimsiness of 
the charge, the innocence of the victim, and the lip-smacking 
self-righteousness of the judges make this movie a prime 
contender for a "Gratuity."


BIGGEST MISSED OPPORTUNITY

1)CAGED TUSHY: Pretty girls, a gruff butch guard who knows how to 
act, and a realistic set.  How could they go wrong?  

Easy.  They do the same scenario over and over.  Misdemeanor 
arrest, guard gets angry, strip search.  Same search, same way.   
I sent them some notes pointing to the stories on this group, 
and the fact that our group has 8,000 members, so there must be 
some interest in the psychology of these situations, and they 
are totally missing the boat. They never responded.  Please feel 
free to host your own letter-writing campaign; I'm still hopeful 
something can be salvaged.

Write Caged Tushy and ask them to film a Joe Doe style story, with 
a female judge or police officer getting searched.

2) GOTHIKA:  The setup for this movie is perfect.  A snotty, 
know-it-all psychiatrist finds herself chucked into the very 
institution that she had once lorded over.  The movie even 
has a craggy, hatchet-faced nurse who delights in giving 
Amanda Grey her "medicine" in every sense of the word.  

"Now it's time for your shower," she intones in her best sing-song, 
Mary Poppins voice.

Nonetheless, from the point of view of THIS forum, the movie misses 
two golden opportunities to be an all time stripping classic.

Dr. Grey loses consciousness outside, some distance away, and wakes 
up inside the asylum, in her regulation shorty green institutional 
hospital gown.  The skimpy and humiliating uniform leaves her 
lovely legs attractively bare.  Amanda is forced to conduct her 
first interview with her former colleague, the rather suspicious 
Doctor Pete, barefoot and without the benefit of pants.

Poor little Amanda!  I hope those cell floors weren't too cold 
for her cute little bare feet.

If I were doing the re-write, Amanda would wake up in her car the 
next morning, fully dressed and ready for work.  When she entered 
the asylum, the police would be waiting to arrest her.  

After a quick trip to the station revealed that she was as nutty 
as a granola bar, our little fruit loop would be sent BACK to the 
asylum -– for full and complete processing.  

Amanda would naturally resist Nurse Ratchet's demands to disrobe, 
which would force the summoning of two male orderlies.  Can you 
imagine the exquisite humiliation of being forced to disrobe in 
front of the minimum wage flunkies who a few hours before had been 
at your beck and call?  

Perhaps Chloe, the patient whose "imagined" rape Dr. Grey had 
patronizingly dismissed the day before, can be mopping the floor 
and watching with a knowing smile as poor little Amanda is 
processed.  I'm sure Chloe would enjoy watching Dr. Grey shower 
-- and bend and spread for Nurse Ratchet's glove....

The second missed opportunity occurs later in the movie, after 
the shower scene.  (See my "'GOTHIKA' REVIEW.")  The staff clearly 
suspects that Amanda had some sort of weapon while naked in the 
shower ("God only knows where she was hiding it," one of them 
intones).  Where?  Where?  WHERE?  How could doctors in charge 
of a mental institution be so dull-witted?  Any reader of this 
forum could tell them exactly where to look.

Dr. Pete, the lonely doctor who had once flirted with the teasing 
and formerly untouchable Dr. Grey, does examine her, but wastes 
his PERFECT excuse to order her into the stirrups. 

Oh well.  Perhaps when Nicole Kidman or Charlize Theron does the 
remake, they'll do it the RIGHT way....

3) DOUBLE JEOPARDY: The lovely Ashley Judd is chucked into prison 
after being convicted of murdering a husband who is in fact faking 
his own death.

So far so good: an innocent woman, bogus charges, a sleazy male 
unworthy of anything but extermination -– perfect for this group.

However, although she ends up in prison, there is no humiliating 
search, no long, lingering showers, no lesbian affairs, and no 
harassment from the guards.  The prison is basically a large 
feminist health club run by a fellow inmate who advises her to 
buff up so she'll be ready for her revenge.

It's a Lifetime Channel movie for women, without the ritualistic 
prison exploitation scenes we've all come to know and love.  When 
she emerges from prison a few brief scenes later, Miss Judd is 
tanned, rested, and ready.

If she had been put into a prison run by, say, Warden Doug Playful, 
I doubt she would have been so sassy when she got out.  Indeed, the 
rest of this movie could have been avoided, as Miss Judd would have 
been too timid to do anything other than apply for a job at Hooters.

4) IMPULSE: Here, Theresa Russell plays Loni, an impossibly 
attractive undercover cop battling the leering advances of 
her sexist boss and the natural schizophrenia of her "cop 
by day, hooker by night" persona.  Outstanding setup.

The movie does have a nice payoff: during an undercover drug bust 
Loni is frisked by the superior whose advances she had shot down.  
Actually she is groped -– with her hands cuffed behind her back, 
her breasts are fondled through her t-shirt.  "Didn't want to blow 
your cover," he explains, wearing a smarmy expression as he half 
drags her toward the squad car.

At the station, Loni is herded together with the other female 
felons.  Her superior resists all efforts to release her, and 
lazily shaves as he watches her pace in her cage.

But, eventually, she is released.  

Boo!  Boo!  She was arrested for drugs!  She needs to be SEARCHED!

Can you imagine the scene where the matron enters the room with the 
one-way mirror and orders the girls to strip?  Loni can't tell the 
matron who she is; that will blow her cover.  But she KNOWS that 
her piggish boss is watching from the other side of the glass.  

What a pickle!

Loni grits her teeth and turns her back as she pulls her grimy 
t-shirt over her head.  Behind her, the tubby matron snaps on 
her rubber glove.

		******************************

At this point, I'd like to invite all of the female nominees onto 
the stage for the final wave goodbye, which naturally includes the 
traditional leg spread, squat, and cough to loosen any contraband.  

Thank you all for watching, and don't forget to cast your ballots.  



Edited by C. Lakewood