STILL MORE COMMERCIALS WE'D LIKE TO SEE by Joe Doe THE SEQUEL TO THE SEQUEL, WITH MORE INANE COMMERCIAL IDEAS COMMERCIAL 1: MASTERCARD A LOVELY PROFESSIONAL WOMAN IN A CRISP BUSINESS SUIT IS HAVING DINNER WITH AN OLDER WOMAN IN HER MID-FIFTIES. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN, THE FOLLOWING WORDS APPEAR: Cost of taking your friend out to dinner to ask her to help fulfill your deepest fantasy: $75 CUT TO THE TWO WOMEN SITTING IN A LAWYER'S OFFICE. Cost of papers giving your friend power of attorney: $500 CUT TO THE TWO WOMEN SITTING IN A HEADMASTER'S OFFICE. Cost of convincing the headmaster that, even though you've never committed ANY crime, you belong in his special "Alternative Sentencing" reformatory for young women in their 20s: $750 Donation CUT TO THE YOUNG WOMAN'S BUSINESS SUIT, FOLDED NEATLY IN A CARDBOARD BOX. FROM OFF-SCREEN, HER STYLISH PURSE DROPS INTO THE BOX AS WELL. Cost of box used to hold your clothing, money, and ID during your 60 days at the Reformatory: 49¢ CUT TO UPS MAN PUTTING THE BOX ONTO A TRUCK. Cost of shipping box to a location far beyond your reach: $19.29 CUT TO A GROUP OF WOMAN IN A GANG SHOWER (ONLY THEIR BARE BACKS ARE VISIBLE). IN THE BACKGROUND, A BUTCH-LOOKING GYM TEACHER, WITH A THIN SMILE, IS WALKING DOWN THE LINE AND OGLING EACH GIRL. AS ONE WOMAN TURNS AND BEGINS TO SOAP HERSELF, WE SEE THAT IT IS THE YOUNG BUSINESS EXECUTIVE. Cost of special disinfectant soap: 4¢ (twice a day) CUT TO THE YOUNG WOMAN, OUT OF THE SHOWER, BUT STILL NAKED. HER BACK IS TO THE CAMERA, AND SHE HOLDS HER ARMS OUT TO HER SIDES AS A NURSE IN A SURGICAL MASK DELOUSES HER. Cost of delousing fluid: 11¢ (twice a week) CUT TO A HAND SNAPPING ON A RUBBER GLOVE. Cost of "routine drug search" rubber gloves: 14¢ (3 times a week) CUT TO A HAND PUTTING AN ENORMOUS GOB OF LUBE ONTO THE END OF A THERMOMETER. Savings that Willy the jovial janitor claims to have made by ordering rectal thermometers, rather than oral ones, for the students' weekly physicals: $6.00 CUT TO THE YOUNG WOMAN IN A SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH A VERY SHORT SKIRT, HER HAIR IN A PONYTAIL. SHE IS NERVOUSLY SHIFTING HER WEIGHT FROM FOOT TO FOOT AND CHEWING ON HER FINGERNAILS. Cost of School Uniform: $53 CUT TO A SHOT OF THE WOMAN OPENING A DRAWER AND REMOVING A STICK OF GUM. Cost of gum you stole out of teacher's desk, even though you don't chew gum: 8¢ CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN'S HAND OPENING TO REVEAL THE GUM. HER WRIST IS IMMEDIATELY SEIZED BY A MALE HAND. Cost of your crime: "6 of the best" by the headmaster...on the bare. CUT TO THE UNIFORMED WOMAN IN THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE. HER EYES ARE TRANSFIXED BY THE SIGHT OF HIM TAPPING THE CANE AGAINST HIS PALM AS HE LECTURES HER. SHE FIDGETS NERVOUSLY AND WINCES AS SHE LOOKS AT THE CANE. CUT TO A CLOSE-UP ON THE WOMAN'S MOUTH TO REVEAL THE SLIGHTEST TRACE OF A SMILE. Value of fulfilling your naughty school girl fantasy: Priceless. ****************************** COMMERCIAL 2: CHEER A SMILING, ATTRACTIVE, 40-SOMETHING WOMAN IS STANDING IN A LAUNDROMAT. WOMAN: "My daughter may be a VP of Marketing, but, when she comes home, she still plays football like a 10-year-old tomboy. So, before she tracks mud over my white carpets, I break out the quarters...." (HOLDS UP COINS) "AND the All Temperature Cheer." (HOLDS UP THE CHEER, LABEL FACING CAMERA) PAN LEFT TO SHOW THAT THE WOMAN IS STANDING NEXT TO HER BLONDE, 26-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, A STUNNING YOUNG WOMAN DRESSED IN A DIRTY RED FOOTBALL JERSEY AND FILTHY BLUE JEANS. THE MOTHER HOLDS OUT HER HANDS, AND THE DAUGHTER SMILES SHEEPISHLY AND PASSES HER MOM HER MUDDY SNEAKERS. MOTHER: "Cheer is tough enough to get the mud out of these sneakers." CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN DROPPING TWO ONCE-WHITE ATHLETIC SOCKS INTO THE WASHING MACHINE, ADDING CHEER, AND PUTTING QUARTERS INTO THE SLIDE. MOTHER: "And its special whiteners will get even these socks clean!" THE WOMAN TURNS AND CASUALLY BEGINS UNZIPPING THE GIRL'S PANTS AS SHE TALKS. MOTHER: "Do I need a special spot remover to get the grass stains out of denim? Not with All Temperature Cheer." YOUNG WOMAN (LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY): "For crying out loud, Mother, I'm 26 years old. You can't take my pants down in public! Everyone will see." MOTHER (WAGGING HER FINGER): "I also brought my hairbrush, young lady. And if you don't settle down, they'll see me taking my 26-year-old daughter over my knee!" THE MOTHER DROPS THE PANTS INTO THE WASHER, ADDS CHEER, AND DEPOSITS MORE COINS. THEN SHE TURNS AND GRABS THE HEM OF HER DAUGHTER'S RED FOOTBALL JERSEY AND BEGINS PULLING IT UP OVER THE GIRL'S HEAD. HER CLEARLY EMBARRASSED DAUGHTER BITES HER LIP AS HER MOTHER STRIPS OFF THE JERSEY AND DROPS IT INTO ANOTHER WASHER, FOLLOWED BY MORE CHEER AND MORE COINS. THE GIRL IS NOW WEARING NOTHING BUT A LACY WHITE BRA AND PANTY SET. MOTHER (FINGERING THE WAISTBAND OF HER DAUGHTER'S PANTIES): "Cheer is even gentle enough to wash those soft, lacy unmentionables." (SHE SMILES AND SHRUGS.) "But unfortunately I'm all out of quarters." AT THE SOUND OF A MAN CLEARING HIS VOICE, SHE TURNS TO SEE THAT THE LAUNDROMAT IS FILLED WITH MEN OF VARIOUS AGES, FROM COLLEGE ON UP. THERE IS ALSO A CROWD OF MEN PRESSED AGAINST THE PLATE GLASS WINDOW, LOOKING INTO THE LAUNDROMAT. AND EACH MAN IS HOLDING UP A QUARTER. THE WOMAN ACCEPTS SOME QUARTERS FROM A SMILING OLD GEEZER IN A WHEELCHAIR, WHO LOOKS HER DAUGHTER UP AND DOWN AND GIVES HER A PLAYFUL WINK. THE MOTHER TURNS THE DAUGHTER SO THAT SHE IS FACING THE CROWD, WITH HER BACK TO THE CAMERA. SHE IS SHIELDED FROM THE WAIST DOWN, BEING HALF-HIDDEN BY THE WASHING MACHINE. THE WOMAN QUICKLY UNHOOKS THE BRA AND SLIPS IT OFF HER DAUGHTER'S SHOULDERS. MOTHER: "Now I'll be able to sit you down in the laundry sink and give you a bath!" THE MOTHER DROPS THE BRA INTO THE WASHER. YOUNG WOMAN: "You can’t give me a bath! Not in front of all these people." CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF THE MOTHER KNEELING; THE DAUGHTER IS VISIBLE ONLY FROM MID-THIGH DOWN. MOTHER: "That's it, young lady! You're getting the hairbrush first...on the bare!" THERE IS AN AUDIBLE GASP OF APPRECIATION AS THE WOMAN YANKS HER DAUGHTER'S PANTIES DOWN AROUND HER ANKLES. VOICES FROM THE CROWD: "Would you look at that?" "A natural blonde!" "What a sweet peach!" "Bet she cries like a kid when her Mom gives her the brush!" CUT BACK TO THE "HALF HIDDEN BY THE WASHING MACHINE" PERSPECTIVE. THE DAUGHTER IS STILL FACING THE CROWD WITH HER BACK TO THE CAMERA, BUT NOW IS TRYING TO SHIELD HERSELF WITH HER HANDS. THE MOTHER DROPS THE GIRL'S PANTIES INTO THE WASHER AND SMILES WARMLY AT THE CAMERA. MOTHER: "Kids today! They never really grow up. But fortunately I have the tools every mother needs." (HOLDING UP THE HAIRBRUSH) "A sturdy wooden hairbrush...." (HOLDING UP THE CHEER) "And All Temperature Cheer." FADE TO BLACK. THE CHEER LOGO COMES UP. VOICE-OVER (OVER VIGOROUS SPANKING SOUNDS): "Four loads, one detergent. For all your messiest situations: All Temperature Cheer." ****************************** COMMERCIAL 3: POKER TIME A NERDY LOOKING MAN IS PLAYING STRIP POKER WITH A GORGEOUS WOMAN. THE MAN IS FULLY CLOTHED, AND THE WOMAN IS DRESSED IN ONLY A SKIMPY LAVENDER BRA AND PANTY SET. WOMAN: "I think you're trying to buy it." NERD: "I didn't ask you what you think. It's time to put up or fold." WOMAN: "But I've already bet my bra and panties. What else do I have to bet?" THE NERD SMILES AT HER LASCIVIOUSLY, AND THE WOMAN SWALLOWS. WOMAN (TENTATIVELY): "And I have to do ANYTHING you say? All night?" THE NERD, GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR, NODS. THE WOMAN LOOKS AT HER HAND: 3 JACKS. WOMAN (MUTTERING TO HERSELF): "I can’t believe I'm not winning. I'm way smarter than this geek." THE NERD SAYS NOTHING, BUT SMILES AS HE FURTIVELY GLANCES AT THE MIRRORED WALL BEHIND HER, WHICH PERFECTLY REVEALS HER HAND. AS THE WOMAN IS INTENTLY STARING AT HER HAND, THE NERD NONE-TOO-DEFTLY EXCHANGES HIS JUNK HAND FOR A HAND WITH 4 ACES! THE WOMAN (MUSTERING ALL HER COURAGE, LOOKS UP): "All right, I'll do it. All night long. Anything you say. I'm calling your bluff, Mister." THE WOMAN LAYS HER 3 JACKS ON THE TABLE AND SMILES. THE NERD PRETENDS TO LOOK SHOCKED. BUT THEN HE SMILES SADISTICALLY AND PREPARES TO LAY DOWN HIS CARDS.... BUT, AS HE DOES, THE ALARM ON HIS WATCH GOES OFF. HE INSTANTLY THROWS DOWN HIS CARDS AND GETS UP FROM THE TABLE. NERD: "Sorry! It's 'Must-See-TV' time!" THE PUZZLED WOMAN LOOKS AT HIM IN DISBELIEF. FADE TO BLACK AS THE NBC LOGO COMES UP. VOICE-OVER: "Must-See-TV from NBC. It's THAT good!" ****************************** COMMERCIAL 4: LUBRIDERM AT A SWANKY PARTY, A PORTLY, BALD, MIDDLE-AGED MAN APPROACHES AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN HER EARLY TWENTIES WEARING A BRIEF BLACK COCKTAIL DRESS. MAN: "So what are you in for, little lady?" WOMAN (SHYLY, LOOKING AT HER SHOES): "Nothing really. I stopped to eat at the diner, and the Sheriff saw me and asked me for a date. When I said no, he arrested me for prostitution." MAN (CHUCKLING): "Yeah, that Sheriff is quite a card." (HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND THE WOMAN, AND SHE FLINCHES.) "Why don't we go upstairs where we can discuss your case in more...detail?" CUT TO THE MAN AND WOMAN IN BED, UNDER THE COVERS. THE WOMAN DOESN'T LOOK VERY HAPPY, BUT DUTIFULLY BEGINS TO RUN HER HAND OVER THE MAN'S FACE. MAN (WINCING): "Geez, girl. Your hands are like sandpaper." WOMAN: "I’m sorry, sir. I can't help it. They have me picking cotton in the fields all day." CUT TO THE WOMAN IN THE CELLBLOCK, IN A SKIMPY PRISON UNIFORM. SHE IS ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND IS SCRUBBING A MASSIVE CEMENT HALLWAY WITH AN OLD SCRUB BRUSH. AS SHE IS WORKING, WE SEE THE LEGS OF A PRISON GUARD ENTER THE FRAME. FEMALE PRISON GUARD'S VOICE: "How are you doing, convict?" WOMAN: "Oh, hi, Miss Anderson. Not so good. It was my first trip to the prison brothel last night, and one of the customers complained about my hands. The warden gave me a paddling, and now I have to scrub out the whole cellblock." (SHE DROPS THE BRUSH AND HOLDS UP HER HANDS.) "And just look at these hands." MISS ANDERSON (EXTRACTING A TUBE OF LUBRIDERM FROM HER POCKET, HOLDING THE LABEL TOWARDS THE CAMERA): "Try this, Debbie. New Lubriderm heals cracked and chafed hands. It will leave them feeling silky soft and baby smooth. Use some after you get done scrubbing out the cellblock." CUT TO DEBBIE SMILING AS SHE WATCHES THE GUARD DROP THE TUBE OF LUBRIDERM INTO THE BUCKET. CUT TO DEBBIE IN THE PRISON SHOWER, SURROUNDED BY OTHER GIRLS. SHE IS SHOWN FROM THE SHOULDERS UP. MISS ANDERSON'S VOICE FROM BEHIND: "How are you doing, convict?" DEBBIE (TURNING AND SMILING BRIGHTLY): "Oh, I'm doing great, Miss Anderson. I got so many compliments at the party last night, the warden gave me a half a candy bar! Lubriderm is great! How can I ever repay you?" CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF MISS ANDERSON, AS SHE EYES DEBBIE'S NAKED BODY. MISS ANDERSON (MURMURING TO HERSELF): "We'll think of something...." ****************************** COMMERCIAL 5: DEPENDS AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A DIAPER AND WHITE CANVAS STRAITJACKET IS STRUGGLING TO GET UP OFF HER SIDE TO FACE THE CAMERA. WOMAN (CHEERFULLY): "As a millionaire feminist defense lawyer, I never expected to need diapers. But, when the vengeful husband of a former client had me committed, Dr. Hal insisted. "Thank goodness for Depends. Depends come in comfy adult sizes. They keep me snug both day and night, and the special absorbing material keeps me dry...." (BLUSHES SLIGHTLY, AND LOOKS DOWN) "Even when I’ve had an accident. And without these no-leak legs, my cell would smell like the monkey house at the zoo. "And Depends are so discreet. During my sanity hearing, I wore Depends under my hospital gown, and no one was the wiser. Even though the LSD Dr. Hal gave me prevented me from articulating my case very well, Depends didn't fail me." THE CELL DOOR OPENS, AND A LARGE BLACK MALE ORDERLY POKES HIS HEAD IN. HE IS HOLDING A BOTTLE OF BABY OIL IN ONE HAND AND A BOX OF DEPENDS IN THE OTHER. BLACK MAN (EYEING THE WOMAN APPRECIATIVELY): "Need a change, Goldilocks? I brought plenty of baby oil today, and I'm gonna rub it in reeel good!" WOMAN: (BLUSHING SLIGHTLY): "Thank you, Frank! You're always there when I need you." (SHE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.) "Just like Depends!" CUT TO A BOX OF DEPENDS UNDER THE LOGO: We're there when you need us! FADE TO BLACK. Edited by C. Lakewood