PAGEANTS, PUMPKINS, & PLATFORMS by Joe Doe AGNES CRAMP ARRANGES A HATEFUL AND HUMBLING HALLOWEEN "PAGEANT" FOR HER LOVELY NEIGHBOR SARA GOOD IN THIS SHORT STORY. "Sara Good, you have been convicted of the crime of sorcery," the Magistrate intoned. "You have cured sickness with herbs and killed Agnes Cramp's cow by giving it the evil eye. You have tempted men to impure thoughts with your unholy looks and flirtatious ways." The Magistrate paused and adjusted the buckle on his hat before pronouncing sentence. "Bring the prisoner to the block, so she may take her punishment on the witches' night of All Hallows Eve." Agnes Cramp watched with grim satisfaction as the beautiful Sara Good was pushed up the roughly hewn steps of the punishment block to face the eager crowd. Agnes had planned this moment for years, and she was determined to savor her moment of triumph. It was a crisp Halloween morning, and Agnes noticed that her barefoot rival was scrunching her toes up in an effort to fight off the cold. Agnes glanced over at the thick birch rods soaking in brine and smiled. Sara's dainty feet would warm up quickly enough once the executioner set her dancing. Sara was obviously flustered and upset. She was fresh from her cell; her long, beautiful hair was unkempt, and a formless cotton shift hung loosely from her slender but shapely frame. Agnes frowned as she noticed the lustful stares of the men and the envious glances of the women. Even now, Sara Good was the prettiest woman in town! "We'll see how pretty she is after her bottom warming," Agnes thought, maliciously. "The little coquette won't look so haughty when she's crying and kicking and begging for mercy. Let her flirt with the men then!" Agnes didn't believe in witches, of course, any more than she believed the Halloween stories she'd heard in the village square. But, if an accusation of witchcraft could be used to degrade and humiliate her enemy, then she was more than willing to allow for the impossible. The thought of the proud and sophisticated beauty jerking and squirming before the entire town thrilled Agnes. Just think...the beautiful Sara Good, begging and pleading like a little girl as her shapely fanny was tanned in front of everybody. It was more like Christmas than Halloween! Agnes had made sure that Sara was locked in a cell without a bucket; with any luck, Sara might foul herself on the block. The sight of the haughty princess standing in a pool of her own making would be the sweetest revenge imaginable! Agnes watched unsympathetically as the executioner unbound Sara's delicate wrists in preparation for her punishment. Before he could proceed to the next step, Agnes called out in a shrill voice, "EXECUTIONER! I DEMAND RECOMPENSE!" Sara looked down from the block in surprise as she noticed her sworn enemy for the first time. Sara had been convicted of killing the cow, but demands for compensation were always made in court. She had brought extra money with her to the trial to pay compensation for any damages claimed. But now she was standing barefoot on the punishment block, naked to the world except for the thin punishment shift. It made no sense. How was she going to pay for the cow now? "Do you have money to pay for the cow, woman?" the Magistrate asked solemnly. "N-no, good s-sir," Sara stammered. "The jailer took my clothes and money when he put me in the cell. I have nothing but the clothes on my back!" "Let us have those, then," Agnes said quickly, her voice crackling with excitement. "Give me her shift, Lord Magistrate, as payment for my cow. "Make the witch stand naked before the judgment of the law!" The crowd went wild with this unexpected turn of events. The voices seemed to come from everywhere. "Yes, strip the little doxy bare!" a man called out eagerly. "Let's see Sara Good's goods!" another man shouted as the crowd roared with laughter. "Strip her NAK-ED," an old crone in the back screeched. "Shame the witch!" "Shuck off her witch's shawl," another woman yelled. "Take away her cursed clothes." "Yes, strip her butt-naked," another man cried. "We need to see if there is a Witch's mark!" one of Sara's neighbors helpfully suggested. Soon the enormous crowd was a chanting mass of people demanding her humiliation. The Magistrate smiled. He had been unsure about the plan when Agnes had suggested it, but the people had spoken! Sara gasped as she felt the executioner grasp the hem of her robe and begin to slowly raise the garment over her blushing face. The crowd held its collective breath as first her lovely knees, then her creamy white thighs were revealed. The executioner paused...and then whisked the garment up, exposing Sara for all to see! She tried to shield her lovely charms from the braying crowd, but the executioner would have none of it. He quickly bound her wrists to the coarse rope that was dangling from the scaffold. She swung helplessly, with her dainty toes barely brushing the ground. The whistling, hooting, and hollering became deafening as the executioner slowly turned the dangling, blushing beauty. The crowd cheered and jeered as they viewed Sara's nakedness from every angle.... In public whippings, the prisoner's legs were always bound to prevent indecent exposure when the witch thrashed and kicked under the cruel caress of the birch. But, as the executioner prepared to tie Sara's ankles, the smiling Agnes held aloft a shiny coin. "Where be the indecency, if the she holds her legs together like a proper lady, instead of spreading them like a cheap strumpet?" Agnes asked. The magistrate nodded, and Sara watched in helpless horror as the executioner pocketed the coin. Agnes presented the pleased executioner with a second coin, in order to ensure that the strokes would be applied with uncommon vigor. Such a gratuity was hardly necessary when the victim was as well known, lovely, and unpopular as Sara. But the burly executioner winked and took the money anyway as the powerless Sara dangled helplessly in front of the hooting crowd. The executioner picked up the first birch rod and shook off the brine. A few of icy drops hit the backs of Sara's thighs, and she immediately tensed her muscles in preparation. "Look, she's clenching her bottom!" one man yelled. "She can't wait to get started!" "Don't worry, little girl," an old woman cackled. "We'll warm your fanny soon enough!" The crowd exploded with laughter, and Sara bit her lip in humiliation. She knew she was not popular, but she had never realized how many people hated her until this moment. As Sara felt the executioner measure the first stroke against her quivering, flinching bottom, she gritted her teeth and silently vowed to learn what she could from the experience. "Her nipples are hard from the cold," another woman noted with mock sympathy. "Warm her fanny good!" Sara's mouth formed an inexpressible "O" of shame and agony as the first stroke landed on her soft, bare skin. The spoiled heiress had known ease and comfort her entire life, but the today the scales of justice would finally tip back into balance. The Magistrate smiled; getting the lovely but unpopular Sara Good to sign up as "The Queen" for this years Halloween pageant was a masterstroke. She hadn't known about the nudity, of course, and it was clear from the panicked look in her eyes that she didn't realize that her birching would be for real until after the first stroke landed. But, as the Magistrate watched the smiling crowd laughing, hooting, and snapping pictures as Sara was put through her paces, he decided the trick was definitely worth the treat.... Edited by C. Lakewood