PA MAGAZINE: FUN FUND-RAISING
by
Joe Doe
H3771 ONCE POSTED A LINK TO "PA MAGAZINE." SINCE ITS EDITOR
EXPRESSED CONCERN OVER THE LACK OF CONTRIBUTIONS FROM HIS
READERS, I WROTE A COUPLE OF ARTICLES AND SENT THEM IN. I
ASKED HIM TO POST A MESSAGE IF HE LIKED THEM.
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. THE MAGAZINE HAS BEEN RELAUNCHED AS
A YAHOO GROUP AND SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL. HOWEVER, SINCE I NEVER
GOT ANY RESPONSE, I DECIDED TO TURN HIS LOSS INTO YOUR GAIN (OR
SO I HOPE).
THE FOLLOWING IS A BRIEF ARTICLE ABOUT HOW TO PUT THE "FUN" BACK
INTO CORPORATE FUND-RAISING.
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FUN FUND-RAISING
Fund-raising can be a daunting challenge for even the most seasoned
corporate leader. "I tried everything -- raffles, donations, car
washes -- but nothing worked," one exhausted manager explained.
"Once I required all of the little ladies to bring in a food item
for a bake sale. Of course, some of the sassy little feminists in
my office objected, and sabotaged my plans. Those brownies gave
everyone the runs for days!
"That experience made me realize the untapped potential of the
female employees in my office. My next event was an 'Arabian
Nights' style charity auction. Since I offered a free $100 gift
certificate at the local mall, the greedy little bimbos in my
office signed up without even reading the contract.
"I think a big part of the thrill was seeing fancy-pants female
executives naked on stage right next to the personal assistants.
Let's face it; with the kind of power male executives have, seeing
your secretary naked is no big deal. But seeing that aloof little
redhead who runs the marketing department and/or that cute Vice
President of Human Resources butt-naked on an auction block is
something else.
"The female executives in my company all think they're better than
the secretaries, but once you strip them out of those fancy power
suits, they're all the same. Of course the transfer from ‘power
suit' to 'birthday suit' is traumatic for some of them, but that's
a big part of the thrill. You should have seen the look on the
Corporate Comptroller's face when the guys on the loading dock
purchased her."
Although the corporate charity auctions may vary in terms of theme,
pricing, and "length of servitude," experienced managers agree that
public exposure is key. "Strip the little bimbos down butt naked!"
one manager chortled. "You wouldn't buy a car without checking
under the hood; the audience members have a right to see what they
are buying. And, if a few select guys want to come up on stage to
get 'a feel' for the merchandise, so much the better."
"These women need a dose of humility. So what if the Corporate
Counsel has to bend and touch her toes for the guy from the
mailroom? Doesn't he have the same rights as anyone else? I
suggest setting up a pre-auction showroom where the 'goods' are
suspended from the ceiling with just their dainty little toes
brushing the floor."
Managers agree that the merchandise should be well displayed,
particularly during the auction itself. "A lot of women get
nervous when they're up on stage, particularly when they're
ordered to kneel down and spread their legs in front of a room
of leering and hooting men," one auctioneer explained. "But
usually just the sound of my whip snapping in the air -- or
the feel of my riding crop gently tapping her bare bottom --
is enough to ensure docile submission.
"Of course, sometimes the sound of the whip gets the little dears
get so nervous that they actually have 'an accident.' The audience
loves it! There is nothing funnier than watching some prissy,
stuck-up executive lose control of her bladder and pee herself
right on stage. That's why I always cover the block in sand. It
absorbs the moisture, and the feeling of the sand between a
woman's bare toes never fails to conjure up images of an Arab
slave market.
"Some of the women told me afterward that standing barefoot on sand
really drove home the idea that they were being sold like livestock.
And, since the tension of the block makes them all sweaty, the sand
clings to their skin when they kneel and squat and roll on the
stage. It really makes them feel like sweaty farm animals."
But charity auctions are only one of the many corporate events that
your firm can offer. The editors have compiled a short list of
ideas guaranteed to put the FUN back in fund-raising:
LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL
Although locking female employees into the stocks for minor
transgressions doesn't raise money, the "behind-the-scenes
service fees" certainly will.
"They stripped me butt-naked!" one humiliated secretary complained.
"Then they paddled me for 25 cents per swat."
If the sight of a prissy female executive or comely secretary
balling her hands up into tiny fists of frustration during a
shameful and humiliating paddling isn't enticing enough, then up
the ante. "I couldn't even tell WHO was doing it to me!" one
humiliated female consultant sniveled. "I would just hear them
unzip their pants...and then laugh...and then they'd stick it
in me. The first time I felt them pull my bottom cheeks apart,
I just about died from humiliation. I know it was that jerk
Jimmy from the mailroom -- I'd recognize that grunt anywhere.
"They even started forcing me to do blow jobs, once they realized
that by standing close to the stocks I couldn't see their faces.
I must have blown every single one of my male subordinates...and
their buddies."
More than mere fund raisers, the stocks are an excellent way for
male employees to take out their frustrations on prissy or
difficult female co-workers. "Our Director of Human Resources
actually started RECORDING sexual harassment complaints," one
disgusted company president explained. "But an afternoon in the
stocks -- with the threat of more to come -- turned her into the
submissive little bimbo I knew she could be. She was pretty angry
when I threatened to put those photos of her up on the Internet.
But, in the end, she agreed to take a new job in the secretarial
pool, and she began wearing the short skirts and sheer blouses I
picked out for her. Now the little libber REALLY understands the
concept of sexual harassment!"
PETA DAYS
"Frankly, I couldn't care less about animals, but I sure do
love 'PETA days,'" one male executive said. "Just imagine
coming to work and seeing 3 or 4 of your prettiest female
co-workers butt-naked and kenneled in the lobby. Or raising
'animal awareness' by requiring your secretary to wear nothing
but a leather collar and dog tags, and then mounting her 'doggie
style' at lunch time."
"I had just purchased an American company, and, when I left my
offices in Asia, I expected my new American employees to treat
me with respect and honor," Miss Lee explained. "It was my
greatest misfortune to visit during PETA days. Asian women are
traditionally very modest, and it was extremely humiliating to
be led around for introductions, naked and leashed. I kept
begging them to give me something -- anything -- to wear, but
the company president just laughed and whipped me across the
rump with my leash.
"The worst part was my ‘house breaking.' When they took me out
to the fire hydrant in front of the headquarters and commanded me
to 'do my business,' I raised my hind leg like a good doggie, but
with all of those men laughing and jeering at me I couldn't squeeze
out a drop. My master scolded me loudly, tapping his foot and
whipping my leash across my backside as he complained that he
'didn't have all day to wait for me to tinkle!'
"I had to lap up nearly three bowls of water out of a doggie dish
before I could 'water the lawn.' When the forceful stream finally
started, the applause and laughter were deafening. Needless to
say, I never visited the American subsidiary again; which left
them free to do whatever they wanted."
WINDY CITY DAYS
A fan under the grate in front of the building, a viewing stand,
and a small shoe box to collect the cash is all that the next
fund raiser requires.
"The women looked puzzled when they saw all of their male
colleagues sitting on the bleachers outside the building. None
of them could figure out why...until they found their skirts up
around their waists."
All the men gathered outside the building, cameras and camcorders
at the ready, would seem like an obvious clue, but you'd be
surprised. Whether she's the head of marketing or the cute little
intern who works at the copy shop, she'll soon be trying to hide
her scanties like a flustered little girl.
You might consider raising a little extra cash by betting on the
color of the victim's panties. A careful review of the photo
evidence can settle other wagers such as whether or not the
blushing beauty is really a natural blonde.
Of course, if the victim neglects to wear panties that day, the
evidence will be indisputable.
DOCTOR FOR A DAY
This fund raiser usually involves an exchange of personnel between
two or more offices, but the end result is worth the effort.
"As a lowly mailroom boy, I never expected to win the 'DOCTOR
FOR A DAY' raffle. I had never even been to corporate
headquarters...which made me the perfect man to give the
lovely females employees their annual physicals.
"A lot of the executives who bought hundreds of dollars of tickets
were pretty ticked off that I won, but, since we videotaped all of
the exams, everyone got to enjoy it.
"Most of the women were pretty embarrassed when I ordered them
into the stirrups," Timmy explained. "And the look on their faces
when I told them that I had only rectal thermometers was simply
priceless.
"Although I examined dozens of women that week, my favorite was
the corporate president, Miss Hillary. I had only seen her once
before, at the annual stockholders' meeting. She had seemed so
confident, so assured, so in-charge. I couldn't believe it when
she lectured us about 'hard times' and cut the wages of the male
workers, while leaving the salaries of the female executives
untouched."
"Of course, she didn't look so in-charge when I ordered her up on
all fours for that enema. I filled the bag extra full for her,
just so she would know what it was like to be on the receiving
end for a change.
"The 'exchange doctor' who won the chance to examine the women I
work with every day was just as thrilled as I was. Of course, he
always 'prepped' the women by shaving them, and the 'medicines' he
prescribed did cause some problems with bladder control. I just
loved watching those blushing, stuttering female executives coming
down to the mailroom to pick up their mail-order nappies!"
AMATEUR NIGHT
Many local strip clubs have amateur night contests, where local
women can strip down in exchange for cash prizes. Many club
managers will waive the cover charges and even offer a round of
free drinks, especially after they are shown pictures of "the
talent" that will be dancing in their club that evening.
"Strip club patrons would much prefer to watch some blushing,
fresh-faced 25-year-old MBA stripping down to the buff rather
than some tired old pro who's done it a thousand times. There's
something about the look of humiliation on their faces as they
twirl around the pole, or bend over and spread their legs to
receive their first tip, that is incredibly hot."
With so many clubs in the area, it may be difficult to find the
correct one. "The sleazier, the better," one manager advised.
"The woman should feel trashy when she prances out onto the stage,
and the experience should make it clear to everyone exactly what
she is. Nothing corrects a well-educated young executive's
attitude faster than the sight of a drunken, homeless guy waving
a dollar bill and commanding her to squat. After that, stripping
away their fancy titles and giving them jobs in the secretarial
pool was easy."
"Some of the high class places don't even require women to strip
to the buff," another manager complained. "What's the point? If
I'm going to the trouble of forcing my boss out on stage, I want
to see EVERYTHING!"
"We used the prize money they won to pay for the beer," one
executive boasted. "It was really a win-win!"
CONCLUSION
Whether it is a "car wash/wet t-shirt contest" or a "Lesbian Dating
Game," inclusion is the key. Getting male participation is easy,
but some corporate executives make the mistake of only including
the lowly personal assistants in the games. If your company still
has any women in positions of responsibility, go to the CEO (or to
the board, if the company is female-managed) to ensure 100%
involvement. The haughtier the female is, the more entertaining
(and profitable) her tumble will be.
Some companies pay for the event itself with the money the women
raise, while others actually use the money to strip the female
executives of their legal rights.
"The women in our company thought they were immune from sexual
harassment since the company was female owned and operated," one
manager chortled. "They were pretty pissed when we used the money
from the slave auction in a hostile corporate takeover. Now each
morning at 7:00 AM, you'll find the company's founder nervously
tugging down her skirt and obediently making the coffee as she
prepares for another degrading day as the secretary for the man
who now holds her old job."
But, regardless of the outcome, remember that FUN is the key to
fund-raising. "Feminists can be so SERIOUS," one man explained.
"Can I help it if they can't take a joke?"
Edited by C. Lakewood