PA MAGAZINE: CORPORATE SECURITY by Joe Doe ANOTHER TRAGIC REJECTION FROM PA MAGAZINE THAT FITS INTO THIS FORUM, SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL -- A BRIEF ARTICLE ABOUT USING CORPORATE SECURITY TO BRING YOUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES TO HEEL. Corporate policies that systematically strip women of their rights are insufficient without the muscle to back them up. A well-trained army of thugs can ensure full compliance with even the most discriminatory work rules and can be an invaluable tool in transforming your company from a hotbed of liberal feminism into a virtual female prison. SECURITY BADGES "I wasn't surprised when I received a memo ordering me to report to the new corporate security office for my security badge," one female executive explained. "It wasn't until I realized that none of my male bosses, colleagues, or subordinates received the memo that I suspected something was wrong." "The male employees were given a tiny security pin at the front desk each morning; it gave them free access to all areas of the building. But every female employee was required to wear an enormous pink photo badge at all times. After a few weeks, it became clear that my badge was being used to restrict my access to the resources I needed to do my job. I had to send my male assistant to executive planning and budgeting meetings. Pretty soon he was meeting with my customers directly, since my badge didn't allow me to leave the building during work hours or even to access an outside phone line. "The badges were used to monitor my movements, and I began receiving reprimands anytime I left my desk. The badges made it impossible for female employees to meet to discuss what was being done to them, let alone organize any resistance. When I found myself holding my crotch and doing the potty dance as I begged my smirking male assistant for a 'Three Minute Pee-Pee Authorization Card,' I knew I was in trouble." "When I received another memo advising me that new security badges were being issued for all female employees, I expected the worst...and I wasn't disappointed. The photo session for my new security badge seemed normal enough...until they ordered me to remove my clothes! Naturally, I refused, but the four beefy security guards made it clear that my clothes were coming off, whether I took them off or not. They took 5 mug shots (one with clothes, and the rest -- front, rear, right and left profile -- naked)." "My new badge was enormous. It contained a full frontal nude picture of me, along with my measurements, salary, and marital status." "Three of the more religious girls who were still virgins were given badges with huge red cherries, while the guards gleefully 'outed' several lesbians in our office by writing the word DYKE across their badges." "A few days later, the photos of me appeared on our company's web site, which completely undermined what little credibility I had left with my clients. My few remaining customers were already complaining that I didn't have the authority to get any of their orders processed, and, after the photos appeared, I found myself giving blow jobs to keep business. "The new security 'tags' are attached to a dog collar I have to wear around my neck. My name is Cynthia, but my tag calls me 'CINDY,' and says that I 'belong' to my former assistant, and that he should be called if I get lost or get into trouble. "Our new dress code requires female employees to wear minuscule skirts and lacy, sexy panties. I have to bend at the waist to get my dog tags close enough to the scanner to open a door, which causes my tiny skirt to ride up and expose my underpants. Every time I go to fetch coffee for my assistant, somebody slaps or pinches my butt! "The badge made my transformation from executive to secretary effortless and seamless; by the time they finally cut my pay, took away my title, and gave my assistant my old office, I was powerless to resist." PARKING Parking has long been an executive perk, but it can also be used as an effective means of punishment and control. "Violent crimes against women" is a ready excuse for stripping female executives of their reserved parking spaces in the garage attached to the building and forcing them to walk to the uncovered parking lot ½ mile from the main building. The female car kennel should be fenced in and guarded 24 hours a day, with a large guard towers so that females can be monitored as they leave the building and begin their long trek towards their automobiles. Some female employees would rather work all night than face the humiliation of walking across a vast empty stretch of concrete while minimum wage male security guards shine spot lights on them from the towers above and hoot out detailed assessments of their feminine charms. Any policy that encourages females to put in extra free overtime can't be all bad! Forcing all female employees to park together will make it easier to enforce mandatory start times and overtime policies. Women who arrive after the 6:00 AM start time will have their paychecks docked and will be subjected to various forms of harassment by the male security guards. In addition, restricted access to the barbwire-enclosed lot will end leisurely female lunches and ensure that female employees don't leave without a male's permission. The segregation of all female employees to the boondocks will free up spaces in the enclosed garage for your valuable male employees. Once all of the male employees are protected in the snug, heated garage, you can create a new policy that prohibits employees from carrying drippy umbrellas or rain-proof coats into the building. Imagine how frustrated and humiliated the poor dears will be when they are forced to run in high heels in the freezing rain past the parking garage that houses the cars of their male subordinates. And the new clothing policy for female employees will chase away those rainy day blues by turning every storm day into a wet t-shirt contest! The security guards will naturally be empowered to seize any car they regard as unsafe, particularly BMWs or other luxury vehicles. And the lot can be made progressively smaller, in order to encourage females employees to get to work earlier or take public transportation. "I figured when I forgot my parking pass they would just fine me, or tell me to go park somewhere else," one bank manager explained. "I couldn't believe it when the guards ordered me out of my car and told me to strip! I begged them to let me keep my panties on, but they claimed that I had to hand over my underpants to ensure that I wasn't 'concealing contraband.'" "I figured that, after they had their fun, they would let me get dressed, but instead they marched me into the bank butt naked! The security guards forced me to work in the buff all day, and they made me to do all sorts of degrading things, like fetching coffee for my subordinates and scrubbing the marble floor in the lobby. Needless to say my credibility was destroyed. The very next day I was demoted from bank manager to typing temp." FRISKS Any idiot who can hook up a buzzer can transform that new metal detector at your company's front door into an opportunity to grope hapless female employees. "No matter how little I wear, the buzzer ALWAYS goes off," one woman complained. "Yesterday I was wearing nothing but a tube top, miniskirt, panties, and sandals, but I was still detained for almost 10 minutes while each of the four security guards frisked me!" A good frisk should never be rushed. Smile knowingly when the buzzer goes off, and give the woman a playful wink as you gesture for her to raise her arms above her head. You should always take your time in running your hands over every inch of her body, starting with the arms and legs before moving on to the more detailed body search. Even if her arms or legs are bare, take your time to caress them and enjoy the feeling of her soft, vulnerable skin. Of course the buttocks and breasts must be squeezed thoroughly, and the guard shouldn't hesitate to run his hands underneath the squirming woman's skirt as he checks her crotch. Of course, any signs of moisture or wetness could denote the smuggling of an illegal substance, which brings us to our next topic.... STRIP SEARCHES If the woman resists or complains about her frisking in any way, the guard should respond by ordering an immediate strip search. Many corporations make the mistake of thinking that searches have to be conducted in a private area, when in fact public strip searches are an ideal method for enforcing feminine submission. "When my corporation shortened all female lunch breaks to 15 minutes and prohibited women from eating at their desks, all of the women were forced to wolf down their lunches in the cafeteria. The guards routinely began pulling women out of the lunch line and strip searching them right there in the cafeteria. At first they just picked on the secretaries, but, after they got away with that, the female executives became fair game. Yesterday the VP of Finance, the Corporate Counsel, and the VP of Marketing were forced to kneel down on a lunch bench with their legs spread and their naked backsides in the air. The exam table was right in front of the lunch table the loading dock workers were eating at, and the guys heckled and whistled while the guards gave them their cavity searches." "Suspicion of Drug Abuse" is a good an excuse for turning a routine strip search into a cavity search. If you do decide to use female guards for this duty, make sure the guards are as butch as possible. The guards' masculine demeanor should make it clear that they enjoy ordering the blushing women to "bend over and spread 'em" as much as the male spectators enjoy watching. Other companies like to search their female employees en-masse; why have a lawn in front of your building if you never use it? There are few things more lovely than the sight of dozens of naked women with their hands on top of their heads, surrounded by armed guards and barking security dogs. The women won't much like the hoots and hollers of their male colleagues and passing pedestrians, but, in the end, they'll have no choice but to blush, squirm, and wait patiently for the rubber glove. After the clothing is removed, it should be sent to a lab for drug testing. "My friends and I had to dress in clothes the men picked for us," one woman whined. "I was dressed in a skimpy cheerleader outfit, while my boss had to dress up like a French Maid and dust the lobby. The Comptroller was put into a school uniform and turned over the mailroom boy's knee for a bare bottom spanking! But we were the lucky ones; one secretary was forced to return to work wearing nothing but her heels!" The searches can also be used as an excuse to seize "contraband," such as cash, expensive jewelry, credit cards, or condo keys. Stripping women of their financial independence is every bit as important as stripping them of their clothing, and the seizures will more than pay for the added costs of the security services. The frequency of routine strip searches may make it necessary for guards to "deputize" male employees to help with their search duties, and training classes (with lovely female "volunteers") should give each employee, regardless of job title or paygrade, the experience needed to perform a proper cavity search. DISCIPLINE Roving bands of brutish security guards will encourage female employees to stay behind their desks where they belong. "I'll never forget the first time they stopped me," one shaken woman said. "The four of them pushed me around, and frisked me, and finally took me downstairs to see the head of security. I tried to explain that I was just trying to use the washroom, but he countered that, without a 'potty pass,' I had no right to be in the hallways without a male escort! "I'm a 31-year-old MBA, but he really made me fell like a naughty girl sent to the principal's office. I'll never forget the way I stammered apologies and awkwardly shifted my weight from foot to foot as I watched him slowly unhook his belt and teasingly slide it out of the belt loops. I begged him to at least let me keep my underpants on, but he said that naughty girls learned their lesson best when it was an 'underpants downer.' Since several of my male subordinates had been called down to witness my spanking, I tried to take my punishment with dignity, but I was soon kicking my legs and promising to be a 'good little girl.' "After the spanking, I had to stand outside my office with my nose in the corner, panties down and skirt raised. Everyone laughed, particularly when they saw the sign on my back that read 'potty girl.' I never was allowed to use the bathroom, and I spent the rest of the day trying to maintain control of my bladder while listening to the water cooler gurgle! "The very next day I was transferred down to the secretarial pool," the woman added. "It was an 80% pay cut, but at least the potty was right next to my tiny school desk. I still have to ask permission for my 3-minute potty break, but I'm used to it. If a woman dresses sexy and doesn't act uppity or pretend to be smart, the security guards pretty much leave her alone." Guards can also be used to frame unruly women for a variety of imaginary crimes. There are few things more instructive to female employees than the sight of the highest ranking female executive in the building being led away in handcuffs. A few weeks on the prison farm will go a long way toward preparing her for her new role as company receptionist. In conclusion, don't hesitate to use corporate security to teach women their rightful place. "Our new security force really keeps the little ladies in line," one proud executive boasts. "The badges restrict their movements, the paddlings keep them meek and humble, and the cafeteria strip searches make me look forward to lunch!" Edited by C. Lakewood