INEXPLICABLE by Joe Doe A UNIFORMED COP TRIES TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE BEAUTIFUL AND FAMOUS MOVIE STAR IN THE BACK OF HIS CRUISER WOULD BOTHER TO SHOPLIFT. Sam looked in the rear view mirror at the beautiful celebrity seated in the rear of his squad car. Sure, this was L.A., where the weird was commonplace, but still.... It just didn't make any sense at all. Why would she shoplift? She had enough money to buy the entire store and could have easily afforded the clothes that she'd taken. She obviously wasn't a criminal, and she had been polite and respectful when the two policemen showed up to take her into custody. The entire episode was absurd. George wouldn't even have handcuffed her, but she'd demanded it. In fact, when Sam, his partner, opened the car door for her, she specifically asked him to handcuff her first, insisting that she wanted to be treated "just like any other criminal." Of course she wasn't just "any other criminal," but he dutifully followed procedure. Was it just his imagination, or did the little minx actually smile when the cuffs clicked shut around her delicate wrists? Working up his nerve, Sam finally just asked the lovely young movie star sitting in the back of his cruiser the simple question that had been bothering him all night: "Why?" She said nothing, but just stared back at him, so he explained his confusion. "Miss, you stole enough to make it a felony, but we both know your lawyer will still get you off. At worst, you'll just get some chicken shit rehab or lame counseling program. You clearly don't need the money, and you need more publicity like you need a third leg. So why on earth would you do such a thing?" There was a long pause, while the cuffed celebrity shifted uncomfortably in the back of the squad car. Sam looked her up and down closely. She was wearing a short denim skirt that just barely covered her butt, and a cute checkered halter that completed her "haystack honey" look. Sam smiled; he'd had a crush on this woman for years, and watching her wiggle around under his inspecting gaze was actually quite entertaining. Finally she spoke. "When we get to the station, I want you and George to...." Her voice trailed off, and she looked down at the floor of the squad car. Finally she managed to spit it out. "I want you to strip search me!" "Excuse me?" Sam said in disbelief. "You heard me," she replied, curtly, still examining her shoes. "I want you to strip search me. And I don't want you two to be nice about it, either. I want you to push me into a room and order me to take off my clothes. She paused and swallowed. "ALL of my clothes!" The beautiful actress looked up at Sam with pleading eyes. "I won't want to do it. I won't want to strip for you. I won't want you to see me NAKED. After all, I'm a big movie star, and you're both just a couple of cops. It'll be totally humiliating. But you will ORDER me to do it." "Don't you see?" she asked desperately. "I won't have any choice!" She leaned close to the middle-aged cop and tried to explain. "You both have been SO nice to me," she said. "And I really do appreciate it. But I don't want you to treat me like a big celebrity. I'm tired of everyone making excuses for me. I want you to treat me...like I'm a whore. No...I want you to treat me like I'm a 'HO.' I want you to treat me like I'm some cheap HO that needs to be stripped down butt naked and taught a lesson in manners!" "And I want you to stop being POLITE," she said desperately. "I don't want you to look away when I strip for you. I want you to leer at me, and gawk at me, and tell me what I have to take off next. I want you to slap my backside and make me strut around the room while you two snort and cackle like Beavis and Butthead." Despite himself, Sam found himself smiling. He looked over at his partner, George, who was also trying hard not to laugh. But she was in earnest. "I want you to make crude remarks about my 'pointy boobs' and 'my cute little ass,' she said, becoming more agitated. "I want you to laugh and hoot at me while I strip for you, as if stripping me BUTT-NAKED is just some sort of big joke for you two. And then I want you to snicker about me like you're both in the locker room." "Women know how men talk when we aren't around," she said, accusingly. "We know how you rate us, and joke about us, and brag about what 'great lays' we are. Don't think I don't know what all the 'polite' men in town say about me when I turn my back. I know what all my simpering male 'fans' would do to me if they got half a chance!" "Well, tonight, I'm going slumming," she said, defiantly. "And you two are going to get the chance to live out the dream of every guy in town." She became flushed and excited as she wiggled in her car seat. "When I'm BARE naked...I want you both to give me a body cavity search. I want you to search me just like I'm some cheap $2 HO smuggling drugs. I want you to order me to bend over and touch my toes, and spread my legs, and...even spread my cheeks. I want you to slip on your rubber glove, and lube up your fingers, and then stick them up inside me." "Don't treat me like I'm some famous celebrity who can date any man she wants," she begged. "I want you to treat me like I'm just a cute piece of ass you've hauled into the station for a bit of fun." "I want you to take away my clothes, and my purse, and my money, and put me in some filthy prison smock. Then I want you to cuff me and take me back to a cell, where no one can hear me scream!" Sam smiled. She sounded like the tag line for some lame movie.... She paused, and looked Sam in the eye again. "Well, now I've told you my deep dark secret. Now you know why I shoplifted, and what I want. The only question I have is whether or not you will help me." The beautiful young actress smiled at Sam and winked. "I won't tell on you if you don't tell on me," she said, playfully. "Of course, if you two aren't MEN enough to help me, I'll understand," she teased. "I guess I'd have to go out and find some MEN to satisfy me after my fancy pants lawyer finishes mopping the floor with you two pigs! OINK! OINK!" She laughed. "I smell BACON in this car! OINK! OINK!" Sam looked unhappily over at his partner. They were both middle-aged and a little tubby, and the two of them had heard enough pig jokes to last a lifetime. They both knew the little minx in the back seat was just teasing them, but it did make the idea of teaching her a lesson more appealing.... After a pause, she decided to sweeten the pot. "I'll be your prisoner, Sam, and, when you order me to my knees to satisfy you, there won't be a thing I can do about it," she said softly. Sam decided to play along. "Will you swallow every drop?" he asked, playfully. "Yes, sir," she replied, submissively. "I'll do a good job, and I'll swallow EVERY drop." Sam decided to press his luck further. "Well, blow jobs are nice, and I'm sure you'll do your best," he said, dismissively. "But if you really want to learn about prison sex, it's going to take more than that." He shook his head sadly. "I hate to say this, miss, but I'm afraid...well, that you're going to have to take it up the ass. You'll have plenty of lube, of course, on account of the cavity search, but it still won't be pretty." Sam described the scene in detail. "You'll be kneeling over a cheap prison bunk in a filthy cell, with your hands cuffed behind your back, and your cheap white cotton prison panties down around your knees. That tight little ass of yours will be pointing straight up in the air, all pink, and helpless, and vulnerable. Fortunately for you, George here likes to work it in nice and slow...nice and easy. He likes to take his time, so the con can FEEL who's in charge." "We may be the pigs, Sam," George said with a chuckle. "But she'd be the one getting PORKED. I wonder if she can 'squeal like a pig.'" Affecting a country accent, Sam sneered, "Okay, girl! Let's hear you SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!" He looked on in amusement as she crinkled up her pretty nose into a snout and started to make animal snorting and squealing sounds. She was pretty good, but he knew that, with the proper inspiration from George, she could be even better. Sam used her animal show as an excuse to run his eyes up and down her body. The twenty-something actress was even more beautiful in person than she was in the movies, but totally approachable, and totally unpretentious. Her short black hair was almost boyish, but her brief halter reveled a lovely pair of breasts. Her stomach was washboard flat, and her scandalously short slit skirt showed off most of her beautifully toned legs. Her luscious thighs had gradually spread in the back seat, and, as Sam looked down, he could see the crotch of her lovely lacy panties peeking out from underneath. His eyes zoomed in on the dainty garment. It clung to her like a second skin and seemed almost to be transparent. Sam smiled. There was no doubt about it. Those panties were soaking wet! She finally stopped making pig noises and smiled at him. "So what do you say, Officer?" she said, coyly. "Do I pass the audition?" Sam gave his partner a knowing smile, and George immediately turned off the flashing lights and made a U turn. Sam picked up the radio transmitter. "Dispatch, this is Car 297. We are en route to Station 17 with the prisoner, but we seem to be having electrical problems. The radio is shorting out, and we are going on dinner break until we can figure something out." "NEGATIVE, CAR 297!" the dispatcher shrieked. "The suspect's lawyer has already posted bond and is waiting for her at the jail. Bring the suspect in immediately. REPEAT! Bring the suspect...." "You're breaking up, Dispatch. We can't understand you," Sam lied. "Car 297...out!" He turned off the radio and took his cell phone out of his pocket. "Hello, Leroy?" he said. "This is Sam. We have a Code 69: Innocent Female Requesting Strip Search. Leave the back door of the lockup open and clear out the hallway...and you'll get the surprise of your life tonight. Let Rufus and José know, too. I guarantee you that they'll want a piece of this one." "Who are José and Rufus?" the actress asked, nervously. "Who's Leroy?" "You'll find out soon enough," Sam replied, cryptically. "But I don't want the whole department to see me naked!" she whined. "Shut up, you little bimbo," Sam said, harshly. "If you know what's good for you, you'll keep that big mouth of yours closed, at least until I unzip my pants." At first she seemed shocked by Sam's sudden change in tone, and he smiled as he saw her nervously testing the strength of her handcuffs. But then she seemed to relax, and her playful smile returned. She closed her eyes and imagined everything that was going to happen to her that night. She didn't care what the cynics said: Hollywood was still the sort of town where a beautiful young woman's dreams could come true. Edited by C. Lakewood