HALLOWEEN SUCKS by Joe Doe "Halloween sucks!" Deputy Finster thought as he drove down the foggy road. Two deputies were staking out the Interstate, where they'll probably pick up half a dozen sexy drunken babes in sexy, skimpy Halloween costumes going home from parties. The deputies out at the strip club by the prison farm were undoubtedly enjoying tonight's "costume contest." Hell, even sitting back at the jail waiting to get what the others scooped up would be better than driving around the bog. THE BOG! The swamp, the hellhole, the snot pit, Quicksand Road.... The damn thing should have been closed years ago. No one knew how many cars had vanished in there. Heck, they had even lost a squad car in there a few years back. Still, the Sheriff kept it open. After all, if someone showed up looking for some cute coed who was working in chains on the prison farm, the Sheriff could always shrug and claim she was "probably lost in the bog." That's what they should have done with Muffy, in Finster's opinion. It wasn't his fault! How was he supposed to know she was the Governor's niece? I mean, she said she was, but when you tell them to hop up onto the exam table, they all start squawking about how important they are, and how you'll regret this, and how you won't get away with it. Then you give them a sharp slap on the ass, and they put their feet up in the stirrups -- just like Muffy did. They should have told the Governor that his precious Muffy was lost in the bog. Yeah, that would have been rich. Tell him she was dead, then leave her on the chain gang or out sucking ding-dongs out at the truck stop, earning the Sheriff a pretty penny. Instead, they let the princess go and even made Finster apologize. APOLOGIZE to a GIRL? Can you imagine? And now Finster was in the doghouse, driving through a pea soup fog on Halloween night, when he'd rather be anywhere else. The fog was so thick he didn't even see her until he'd almost passed her. It wasn't until he hit the brakes and backed up that he could verify that the girl flagging him down was real. Oh, she was real all right. Cowboy boots. Tight blue jean short-shorts. And a white t-shirt that showed her flat little tummy and barely covered her nicely-shaped 36Cs. The deputy flipped on the flashing lights and eased the car backwards to get a better look. Oh yeah, she was sweet. "Oh, officer!" the girl gushed. "Thank goodness. I've been walking on this road for an hour, and I didn't think I'd ever get off it. My car got stuck in the muck a few miles back. And, with this fog, it's freezing tonight." "It's Halloween, not the 4th of July," Finster thought, not that he minded the young woman's distress. He was wearing a warm leather jacket, and he very much enjoyed the sight of the young woman's pokies clearly molded against her tight white t-shirt. "If you could drive me to the gas station...," the young lady pleaded. "I'm not running a taxi service," he replied. "And the filling station's closed. Besides, I came that way, and I didn't see no car. If it was in the bog even a little bit, the swamp probably sucked it down by now." "Geez, my dad's going to kill me!" the woman said. "What sort of car was it?" "A 1999 Corolla." Finster smiled. A car that old meant she wasn't rich. Poor little thing. All alone, with no rich daddy to protect her. "So, your mom or dad famous or rich or something?" he asked, determined not to muff (or Muffy) this one up. "You look like a model." The girl laughed and looked away shyly. "No, not rich, not famous," she conceded. "Just good genes I guess." Finster, eyeing her long legs in the tight denim cutoffs, agreed. "So where the hell's that accent of yours from?" "Pennsylvania. I was going to a friend's party in Florida and...." "This is Alabama." "Uh, I think the new mapping feature on my iPhone is a little screwed up," she replied, twirling her long, curly locks. "Duh, you think?" Finster thought. A real rocket scientist, this one was. "You got any ID, Miss Pennsylvania?" he asked, noticing she had no purse. "Uh, I sort of accidentally locked my keys and stuff in my car." "The car at the bottom of the bog?" Finster snickered. "My, you ARE in a pickle. Lucky I came along." The girl nodded stupidly. "Lucky for me, not you," he thought, eyeballing her headlights. Satisfied that the girl was lost, stupid, poor, and unconnected enough to be entirely at his mercy, Finster decided to begin the show. "You got any weapons?" he asked. "You mean, like a gun? Of course not! Where would I be hiding a gun?" "Well, I can see two 45s pointed at me right now," he thought, still playing it cool. "You might have a knife." "A knife?" the girl asked. "Yeah, a knife," he replied. "You have knives in Pennsylvania, don'cha? Or do you just rip everything apart with your teeth?" "Don't be silly!" the girl giggled. "I ain't silly!" Finster replied flatly. "You might have a knife. So I'm going to have to search you." "Search me?" the girl replied, furrowing her brow. "I don't understand. You're a police officer. You're here to help me." "I'll help you real good. Turn around and place your hands flat on the car. Then spread 'em!" The girl, biting her lip, complied as Finster pushed her against the car. He started at her ankles, enjoying the sensation of his big hands caressing her shapely calves and thighs. It was cold and damp out, and the girl was cold, not that Finster minded. He'd warm her up soon enough. "Please, officer! I'm not carrying any weapons." "Oh yeah?" Finster said. "What about these?" The girl gasped as he grabbed her breasts from behind, roughly caressing her through her shirt. "Stop it!" the girl squealed. "Why are you doing this to me?" "Because I can," Finster replied, fondling her breasts. "Because I got a badge, and all you got is a nice pair of tits." He laughed as the girl tried to escape his grasp, slamming her down against the hood. "Don't struggle," he snickered. "Just relax and enjoy it." The girl didn't enjoy it though, particularly when he pulled her wrists behind her back and cinched his handcuffs tight. "Feel the steel, girl?" he taunted. "Get used to it. You're going to be wearing them bracelets down to the jail, in court, and then down to the prison farm. You're going to be wearing cuffs and shackles like these till we rivet 'em on, real nice and permanent." Finster smiled as he pulled the girl, her hands cuffed behind her back, up to face him. "And there ain't nothing you can do about it, neither. I hope you enjoy sucking." "I do," the girl replied. Finster looked perplexed as the girl brought her wrists from behind her back. She was no longer cuffed. The girl smiled slowly, her grin growing wider and wider until she revealed an ominous pair of white fangs. Finster screamed and reached for the squad car door as the girl grabbed him by the throat and lifted him off his feet. He grasped for the door handle, but the girl used her left foot to kick the car off the road and into the swamp. The flashing lights disappeared into the ooze. Finster screamed as the girl sank her teeth into his neck. "Ohhhh.... I do love to suck," she murmured. Finster grew dizzy as the girl slowly drained the life out of him. "Don't struggle, honey," she cooed, pausing to swallow the deputy's life-blood. "Just relax and enjoy it." HAPPY HALLOWEEN from Joe & Lakewood. Edited by C. Lakewood