HALLOWEEN COURT
by
Joe Doe
A QUICK SNIPPET OF AN IDEA WRITTEN IN ANTICIPATION OF THE HOLIDAY!
CAST:
HON. I. SEARCHEM, PRESIDING JUDGE
A. MARSH, ESQ., PROSECUTOR
D. DUFFY, HEAD BAILIFF
T. NERDLY, ASST. BAILIFF
C. LAKEWOOD, CHIEF OF THE GRAMMAR POLICE
ASSORTED FEMALE DEFENDANTS
******************************
BAILIFF DUFFY: Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Judge Searchem's Enchanted
Halloween Court is now in session. All those having business
before this court draw near and be heard.
JUDGE: Is the prosecution ready to proceed, Miss Marsh?
PROSECUTOR: Yes, Your Honor.
HOLLY: What about me? Don't I get an attorney? Don't I get to
know what the charges are?
JUDGE: We've found that we can process cases much more efficiently
when there is no defense. As for the charges, anyone who's read
the Brewbottom stories knows what you did to Natalie, your poor
cousin.
HOLLY: But I didn't do anything! It was just a Joe Doe story.
I'm not responsible for what someone else writes.
JUDGE: True enough, but you did seem to find it all quite amusing,
didn't you? Does the prosecution have anything to add before the
court passes sentence?
PROSECUTOR: No, Your Honor. You're on a roll.
JUDGE: Very well. Deputy Duffy, please give the prisoner the box
containing her Halloween costume.
DUFFY SELECTS THE TOP BOX FROM A STACK OF WHITE COSTUME BOXES IN
THE CORNER.
HOLLY: But this is a chain gang uniform....
JUDGE SEARCHEM SLAMS THE GAVEL DOWN ONCE, AND HOLLY IS NOW DRESSED
IN THE SHORTS AND MIDRIFF-BARING CHAIN GANG UNIFORM HER COUSIN
NATALIE WORE IN "BREWBOTTOM." HER ANKLES ARE CUFFED TO A CHAIN
THAT LEADS UP TO A BELT CHAIN THAT ALSO BINDS HER WRISTS.
JUDGE: You're going to spend Halloween week on the chain gang,
young lady. Deputy Duffy, see that the prisoner is searched
before she is transported to the prison farm.
DUFFY IMMEDIATELY BENDS HOLLY OVER THE DEFENSE TABLE AND PULLS DOWN
HER ORANGE SHORTS AND WHITE COTTON PRISON UNDERPANTS SO THAT HER
BARE BOTTOM IS FACING THE COURT.
JUDGE: Actually, I meant for you to search her later, Duffy.
PROSECUTOR: If it would please the court, I think the time we saved
by eliminating the defense portion of the trial has put us ahead of
schedule.
JUDGE (SMILING): It would please the court very much!
DUFFY: Now let me just get this glove on....
HOLLY: Please, Duffy, no! Don't spread me so wide! Everybody can
see! Get your finger out of there! Oh! Oh! Can't you see I'm
not hiding anything? Why is this taking so long?
DUFFY: I'm finished, Your Honor!
JUDGE: Good job, Duffy. Now bunny hop her out to her holding cell
until the van gets here.
DUFFY (WHISPERING IN HOLLY'S EAR): Don't worry, sweet cheeks.
We'll have time for another search before the van gets here....
HOLLY, PANTS STILL AROUND HER ANKLES, IS BUNNY HOPPED OUT OF THE
COURT.
JUDGE: What's the next case, Ashley?
PROSECUTOR: A Miss Sarah Williams, Your Honor. Miss Williams
inherited a string of bars just outside a military base. Whenever
the young soldiers go on leave the prices of the drinks double.
And she is in cahoots with a number of local girls who get our
fighting men drunk so that they can steal their money.
SARAH WILLIAMS: It's free enterprise, Your Honor. It's not my
fault I own the bars. And as for the girls, those horny louts
just want one thing. I'm merely giving them what they deserve.
JUDGE: What YOU deserve is the issue here, young lady. Deputy
Duffy, bring Miss Williams her Halloween costume.
(SOUND OF A BOX OPENING)
SARAH: But these are fatigues....
(JUDGE SEARCHEM SLAMS THE GAVEL DOWN ONCE, AND SARAH IS INSTANTLY
DRESSED IN AN ABSURD BURLESQUE OF A MILITARY UNIFORM: ARMY BOOTS
AND KHAKI OVERSEAS CAP, SHORT-SHORTS, AND HALTER TOP.
JUDGE: Buck Private Sarah Williams, you are ordered to report to
the military base for active duty. You will spend this Halloween
weekend entertaining the troops in the manner most befitting a girl
such as you. Every man on that base will outrank you, and you will
take orders from each and every one of them.
SARAH: But there are thousands of them!
JUDGE: Well, then, you'd better get started.
JUDGE SEARCHEM BANGS HIS GAVEL, AND SARAH DISAPPEARS.
JUDGE: Next!
PROSECUTOR: If it please the court, allow me to introduce
Congresswoman Amanda Parks. Sara has consistently voted for
both pork barrel spending and enormous tax cuts.
AMANDA: Taxes are too high! Especially on billionaires like me.
JUDGE: I quite agree. And that's why I'm going to help make your
opinions known far and wide. Deputy Duffy, bring her costume.
(DUFFY BRINGS FORWARD AN OBLONG BOX)
AMANDA: But this is a pogo pony!
JUDGE SEARCHEM BANGS THE GAVEL, AND AMANDA IS INSTANTLY STRIPPED
NAKED WITH HER HANDS GLUED TO THE POGO STICK BETWEEN HER LEGS.
THE POGO STICK IS CAPPED BY A CHILDISH WHITE HORSE HEAD WITH AN
INSANELY HAPPY GRIN.
JUDGE: Amanda Parks, in order to publicize your views, this court
commands you to ride through the center square of your home
district in protest of our nation's taxes.
AMANDA: But the university's having the campus Halloween party
tonight! It will be packed!
JUDGE: Well, it wouldn't be very good publicity if there were no
one there.
AMANDA: But I'm totally NAKED!
JUDGE: You have a point. Deputy Duffy, where is the prisoner's
long blonde "Lady Godiva" wig?
DUFFY: I must have forgot, Your Honor. My mistake.
PROSECUTOR (SMILING): I think she looks better with short hair.
It's a better view. Uh...I mean, the long hair would get in her
eyes.
DUFFY (OGLING HER NAKED FORM): Yes, the view certainly is
wonderful.
AMANDA: I won't do it! I won't prance around this way in front of
the whole town. You can't make me!
JUDGE: Officer Nerdly will be there to escort you through the town.
NERDLY COMES FORWARD, RIDING CROP IN HAND, AND DELIVERS A SHARP
SWAT ACROSS AMANDA'S BARE RUMP. SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTS FORWARD.
DUFFY: Wait, Nerdly. You can't send the poor girl out like THAT.
AMANDA LOOKS AT DUFFY HOPEFULLY. BUT, MUCH TO HER SURPRISE, HE
DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND FLIPS A SMALL SWITCH NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE
POLE. THE POLE INSTANTLY HUMS TO LIFE AND STARTS VIBRATING
BETWEEN HER THIGHS.
DUFFY: Sorry I didn't have time to pick up your wig, Miss Parks.
I was too busy working on this little modification. Don't worry,
though...the batteries will last for days.
PROSECUTOR: How thoughtful, Duffy! Look, she's greasing her pole
already. And look at how pointy her nipples are. All that
lubrication will keep her from getting chapped.
DUFFY: Do you really like it, Miss Marsh? I can get one for you,
too!
PROSECUTOR (FLUSTERED): Um...that's not what I meant, Deputy.
NERDLY: I just hope she doesn't mind cumming in front of the whole
town. GIDDY-YAP!
NERDLY DELIVERS A LIGHT SWIPE ACROSS HER BOTTOM, AND AMANDA GALLOPS
OUT OF THE COURTROOM.
JUDGE: Next!
PROSECUTOR: Our next victim -- um...defendant -- is Prof. Jane
Revisions. It seems that Prof. Revisions wrote a fascinating
best-selling book describing the benefits of American slavery.
According to the good professor, the Antebellum South provided an
opportunity for Godless heathen to become civilized, hard-working
Christians.
JUDGE: Indeed?
PROSECUTOR: Yes, but the more outrageous the theory, the more books
you sell.
JANE: Your Honor, I really think if you'll allow me to speak I can
demonstrate that the economic soundness of my theory....
JUDGE: Give the woman her costume, Duffy. I'm bored already.
DUFFY OPENS ANOTHER WHITE BOX AND HANDS IT TO THE PRISONER.
JANE: But this is just a burlap sack!
PROSECUTOR: The material IS rather coarse, but don't worry. I'm
sure they'll take it off before they put you on the block.
JANE: The block?
PROSECUTOR: Yes, the auction block. Every slave auction needs a
block.
JANE: Auction block? Slaves? They don't auction slaves anymore!
JUDGE: True enough! But they did in 1830. This is a magical
Halloween court, and we're sending you backward in time, as well
as southward in space.
THE JUDGE BANGS HIS GAVEL, AND JANE IS INSTANTLY WEARING THE BURLAP
SACK. SHE STARTS TO SPUTTER PROTESTS AS A SMILING DUFFY CHAINS HER
ANKLES AND WRISTS.
JANE: But I'm white!
PROSECUTOR: Octoroon, actually. At least that's what the papers I
prepared stipulate. Did I mention your new name was "Coco"? At
any rate, according to your book, most masters were enlightened
and kind. I'm sure that, if you're a frisky enough little bed
wench, you won't get the paddle...much.
DUFFY (UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE GRUFFLY CHAINS HER HANDS BEHIND HER
BACK): Wouldn't stop me!
JANE (PEEKING DOWN THE FRONT OF THE DRESS): Did you say that they
would...t-take away my s-sack...when they put me on the-the auction
block?
PROSECUTOR: Don’t be silly. Of course they will.
JANE: But I'm...BUTT NAKED under this thing!
PROSECUTOR: Naturally the buyers have to see what they are bidding
on. Don't worry. I'm confident that the auctioneer will make sure
that you fetch a good price.
JUDGE: The auction isn't actually for another few hours. Ashley
wanted to make sure that the buyers had plenty of time to examine
you before you go on the block. Fortunately that sleeveless dress
we've provided you has a drawstring on top, so you can be shucked
out of it without even taking off your shackles.
JANE: Ex-examine me?
JUDGE: Of course! Even with your shackles on, they'll still need
to see you run, and jump, and dance. And, with your intimate
understanding of economics, I'm certain you won't mind if the
buyers check your teeth, or give you a little squeeze here and
there.
DUFFY (AGAIN MUTTERING): Mostly there, I expect.
JANE: Please! Don't put me on the block! I don't want to be
examined! Don’t let them take my sack!
PROSECUTOR: As you said on page 175 of your book, "It would be
wrong to condemn the slave markets based on modern sensibilities.
Even in today's livestock markets, remember, animals are routinely
poked, prodded, and examined. Isn't it natural for animals to
be displayed and sold naked?"
JUDGE: You'll be glad to know that Ashley picked out a market that
met your requirements. After the buyers give you a little of the
old pat and poke, you'll be auctioned buck naked in the town square.
JANE: Wait! My book was a pack of lies! It was my publisher's
fault. She told me that....
JUDGE (LIFTING HIS GAVEL): We'll deal with her next year. Have a
nice weekend, Coco!
JUDGE SEARCHEM BANGS HIS GAVEL, AND "COCO" DISAPPEARS.
PROSECUTOR: If we may proceed, Your Honor, our next defendant is
Patricia Rhodes. Just before Christmas last year, Patricia closed
her family's factory in Michigan and relocated operations to a
South American country where the workers are paid 10 cents a day.
PATRICIA (DEFIANTLY): Business is business!
PROSECUTOR: The men live in hovels just outside the factory and
most send their wages home to support their families.
PATRICIA: You see! I'm helping to support families. What's wrong
with that?
PROSECUTOR: Patricia used the profits from her newly relocated
factory to buy one of the world's largest collection of shoes.
(Actually, Your Honor, that part didn't bother me. A woman can
never have too many shoes.)
JUDGE: Indeed. We'll deal with you later, counselor.
PROSECUTOR: My apologies, Your Honor. In short, Miss Rhodes is
the sort of woman who would do anything for a dollar.
PATRICIA: What's wrong with that? That's what capitalism is all
about.
JUDGE: Deputy Duffy, bring Miss Rhodes her box.
PATRICIA: I can’t wear this! I'd look like a whore....
THE JUDGE BANGS HIS GAVEL, AND PATRICIA IS INSTANTLY TRANSFORMED
INTO A HEAVILY MADE UP AND VERY CHEAP LOOKING HOOKER. SHE IS
WEARING A FADED DENIM MINI-SKIRT, RED HIGH HEELS, AND A HOT PINK
TUBE TOP THAT CLEARLY SHOWS HER NIPPLES.
PROSECUTOR (HAPPILY): You see, you CAN wear that. It's just your
size. Patricia Rhodes is now...Patty La Puta!
PATRICIA: I don't understand....
PROSECUTOR: The men at your factory need some sort of release,
Patty. Surely you recall the discussions you had about providing
low-cost entertainment....
PATRICIA: I didn't mean ME!
JUDGE: Cheer up, Patty! Now you have your chance to really "do
anything for a dollar."
JUDGE SEARCHEM BANGS HIS GAVEL, AND PATTY DISAPPEARS.
PROSECUTOR: Actually, it will be quite a bit less than a dollar,
Your Honor.
JUDGE: You know, Ashley, I'm getting a little tired of that flip
attitude of yours.
ASHLEY: Fortunately that was the last case on the docket, Your
Honor, so I will burden Your Lordship no further.
JUDGE: Actually, I believe Deputy Duffy still has one more box.
Is Officer Lakewood in the courtroom?
LAKEWOOD: Here, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Well, the members of this community wanted to give you a
special treat for all of your work, especially during the last 12
months. As you know, Headmaster Alec Leamus runs a very special
reformatory that gives young women 18 years and older the structure
and discipline that they need. Alec is always very busy around
this time of year rounding up all the adult women costumed as
cheerleaders or schoolgirls. So he asked me if you could
fill in for him for a couple of days.
LAKEWOOD: I?
JUDGE: Yes. Now, there will be over 400 young women for you to
supervise. But you'll be given a bonus for every mouth-soaping,
enema, or paddling that you hand out. And the bonus is triple
for punishing professional women. You know the sort --
doctors...executives...academics....
DUFFY (LOOKING AT ASHLEY): Lawyers with flip attitudes....
JUDGE: Yes, there is a special bonus for smarty-pants lawyers;
thank you for reminding me, Deputy. So, would you give Ashley
her costume box?
ASHLEY: My box? What am I charged with? Is it because I didn't
write that story I promised?
JUDGE: No, we don't really care about that. You never have to
write a story, Ashley, unless you really want to. But it would be
nice to drop the group a note every now and then. Everyone misses
you.
DUFFY: Awww, shucks!
THE JUDGE SLAMS HIS GAVEL DOWN, AND ASHLEY IS IMMEDIATELY DRESSED
IN HER SCHOOL UNIFORM: CAP, TIE, WHITE BLOUSE, SHORT PLAID SKIRT.
A SMILING DEPUTY DUFFY HANDS LAKEWOOD A PADDLE.
DUFFY: You'll want to use this until she gets a chance to make her
own in shop class tomorrow.
ASHLEY (WHINING): We have school on SATURDAY? Bummer!
LAKEWOOD: We'll discuss that in my office, young lady. Now, march!
JUDGE: Court is adjourned.
Edited by C. Lakewood