A CONSTITUTIONAL EXAM by Joe Doe EDGAR EMPLOYS A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION IN TEACHING HIS BRATTY STUDENT THE IMPORTANCE OF HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. Elizabeth enjoyed the feeling of the warm water encasing her body as she relaxed in the bubble bath at the luxurious hotel. Through the door, she listened to her college tutor drone on about the Declaration of Independence, July 4th, the American Revolution, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.... "Blah, blah, blah," she replied. "If I didn't have to pass some dumb old Constitution test next week, I wouldn't care. And, if my Daddy wasn't paying your tuition, you wouldn't care about teaching me, either,Edgar." Elizabeth's one correct answer of the day had left Edgar fuming. It was impossible to teach a 20-year-old girl who insisted on sitting in the tub all day drinking wine. But, if she didn't pass her exam, her father wouldn't pay Edgar's tuition. Perhaps a demonstration would show her how important the Constitution and her civil liberties were.... In desperation, Edgar boldly entered the bathroom. "Hey!" Elizabeth shouted. "You have no right to be in here! GET OUT!" "A minute ago you said that rights didn't matter to you," he replied. "If I were a soldier during the Revolution, I could force you out of your house and sleep in your bed, and you wouldn't even be able to ask for money." He smiled down at the blushing woman in the tub. "Can you tell me which amendment prevents that from happening now? If you can, I'll leave the bathroom." "I-I d-don't know," she stammered. "But I still want you out of here, nerd!" "If I were a policeman, would I be able to just waltz into your house while you were sitting in the bathtub, stark naked?" "No!" she shouted. "Why not?" he asked. "What would I need before I could enter your house without your permission?" "I'm tired of playing this game!" she replied, testily. "The bubbles are starting to go down! Just get out of here and leave me alone." "Yes, the bubbles ARE starting to go down," Edgar said, smiling. "And I must say that you have lovely, supple legs, Elizabeth. Now, answer the question." She drew her legs up to her chest, desperate to avoid the nerdy college student's leering appraisal. "The answer is that I would need a warrant to search your house or person," he said, calmly. "But, since you got that answer wrong, we'll start over." "Now tell me, what sort of government official would actually issue the warrant? Would it be a Congressman? Or a postman?" He smiled down at her. "What sort of authority would a man need to walk into the bathroom while you are sitting in that tub, naked as the day you were born, and order you to stand up?" Her brow furrowed. She didn't want to get THIS answer wrong. "The President?" she answered, tentatively. Edgar smiled. "I have no doubt President Clinton, in particular, would have been delighted to sign just such a decree. But, alas for him, he did not have that authority. The warrant stripping away your dignity would be issued by a judge." He cleared his throat. "And that last answer is going to cost you, Elizabeth. "Get out of the tub!" "But I'm-I'm...butt naked!" "Yes, I can see that," he replied, calmly. "It's a pity you didn't listen more carefully over the last few days; if you had, you'd be able to answer some of my questions. And you wouldn't have to prance around naked in front of me in order to create a memorable civil rights test case." "But you'll see EVERYTHING!" "Democracy is transparent, and it allows the people to see everything, Elizabeth." He picked up the hairbrush and began tapping it against his palm, meaningfully. "Now, if you don't stand up in 5 seconds, we're going to discuss the Constitutional prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment! ONE...TWO...." Elizabeth got the hint and raised herself out of the tub. She tried to reach for the towel, but he snapped it away and tossed it into a far corner of the room. "Habeas Corpus is the right to 'bring the body' before a judge, young lady," he explained. "And a delightful body it is. But the Constitution does not say the body is entitled to even a scrap of clothing." The furiously blushing girl tried to cover herself with her hands as the soap teasingly ran down her luscious form. Edgar, like all good teachers, was pleased that he had finally found a memorable way to instruct his rebellious student. "If you didn't think my order was fair, Elizabeth, you could always appeal my decision to a judge," he said. "I appeal!" she shouted. "You have no right to do this to me! I'm rich, and you're poor, and you have to do what I say!" "Money influences politics, but you can't always buy your way out of everything, sweet cheeks. And I have every right to do this to you, because I know the Constitution, and you do not." "Elizabeth, you are charged with being an empty-headed little bimbo. Naturally I have to check you out naked to see if you are really just a vacuous centerfold. And, so far, the evidence against you is overwhelming." He smiled. "Now, do you know what amendment might prevent me from doing a cavity search on that sweet, soapy, luscious bare ass of yours?" "The Fifth?" she answered, trying desperately to remember his lecture. "BZZZZZ! I'm sorry," he shouted, like a game show host. "The correct answer is the FOURTH Amendment. Now you might have argued that the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination would prevent me from checking to see if your pussy was wet, since the charge against you is that you are a bimbo. But, of course, you were too much of a bimbo to remember that!" He picked up a rubber cleaning glove and playfully SNAPPED it on, all the time keeping his smiling eyes locked on Elizabeth's. "Don't you just hate it when they put on gloves in the hospital, Elizabeth? It always makes you feel like something messy, invasive, and degrading is about to occur." He walked slowly around the blushing girl and carefully appraised her form. "What does it feel like to have no rights, Elizabeth? What does it feel like to be stripped of everything? Do you understand what it feels like to be totally naked and at the mercy of the authorities?" She winced as she felt his hand press down on her back just above her butt. As she slowly bent over, he ran his hand up her spine as her own hands went downwards -- down her thighs, over her knees, all the way to her ankles. Her eyes flew open and her mouth formed a small "O" of surprise when she felt his gloved hand touch her...THERE. He was an excellent teacher, and he made sure that her examination was thorough and complete.... ****************************** Elizabeth spent the rest of the July 4th weekend being grilled about the American Revolution, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Repeated strip searches, including one in the alley behind the hotel, emphasized the importance of search and seizure rules. "Diplomacy," "Compromise," and "Balance of Power" were illustrated when he gave in on some issues, but not on others. When he and she negotiated, for example, they ended up eating at her favorite restaurant. But, when he refused to negotiate, the results were very different. She ended up handcuffed to the stove in the kitchen, stark naked, cooking Edgar his favorite meal. She definitely saw the advantages of having a "balance of power." The right to "face your accuser" was illustrated when Elizabeth had to answer questions stark naked in front of the leering pizza deliveryman she had accused of incompetence a few days before. Unfortunately for her, Edgar granted the pimply 19-year-old "full sovereignty." As a fellow "state," the pizza guy shared Edgar's right to bend Elizabeth over the table and experience "the pursuit of happiness." It was a right he exercised fully and vigorously. The bicameral legislature was discussed as Edgar enthusiastically applied the hairbrush to the "twin houses" of Elizabeth's bare bottom. The right to a "public trial" was demonstrated by administering the punishment in front of the grinning bellhop she had snubbed the day before. On Tuesday, Elizabeth passed the exam, much to everyone's relief. Her delighted father gave Edgar a bonus. And, for years to come, the smiling beauty queen continued to amaze her friends by quoting the Constitution, chapter and verse. Edited by C. Lakewood