COMMERCIALS WE'D LIKE TO SEE by Joe Doe WE INTERRUPT OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING FOR THESE IMPORTANT WORDS FROM OUR SPONSORS. IF ADS WERE THIS INTERESTING, TIVO WOULD BE OUT OF BUSINESS. (BY THE WAY, WRITERS WHO FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FINISH STORIES MIGHT FIND THIS TO BE AN INTERESTING APPROACH IN THAT IT ALLOWS YOU TO TELL A STORY IN A COUPLE OF HUNDRED WORDS. REMEMBER THAT TV COMMERCIALS ARE WHERE MANY ASPIRING FILM DIRECTORS START!) ****************************** COMMERCIAL 1: PLACES YOU DON'T.... AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT IS STANDING IN A RUN-DOWN GAS STATION MINI-MART. BEHIND THE COUNTER IS A RUMPLED, UNSHAVEN HILLBILLY PUMP JOCKEY WITH A GOLD TOOTH. WOMAN: "Thank you SO MUCH for towing my car. I REALLY appreciate your help. So it's all fixed then?" HILLBILLY: "Yup, all fixed. That'll be $200." WOMAN (RUMMAGING IN HER PURSE): "I...don't think I have that much in cash.... Um...do you take American Express?" HE TAPS THE VISA SIGN NEXT TO THE REGISTER AND SNORTS DERISIVELY. SHE TURNS, LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, AS THE HILLBILLY BEGINS TO OGLE HER IN A MOST UNWHOLESOME WAY. HILLBILLY (SMILING): "We might be able to work something out, city girl." VOICE-OVER: "If you're going to get auto repair done at Sam's Filling Station, Car Repair, and Country Bar, you'd better bring cash or Visa. Because country boys don't take 'No' for an answer, and they don't take American Express." CUT TO AN OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT OF THE WOMAN UP ON A STAGE, WEARING ONLY HER BRA AND PANTIES. SHE LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER NERVOUSLY AND SLIDES ONE OF THE PINK BRA STRAPS DOWN, AS THE CROWD HOOTS AND HOLLERS. FIRST MALE VOICE: "Take it off, baby!" SECOND MALE VOICE: "Take it ALL off!" VOICE-OVER: "Visa. It's everywhere you want to be. And a few places you don't." ****************************** COMMERCIAL 2: DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IN A PINK SUNDRESS IS SHOPPING IN AN OPEN-AIR MARKET. VOICE-OVER: "You are about to witness a crime." AS THE WOMAN IS EXAMINING A MELON, A PICKPOCKET DEFTLY OPENS HER TINY PURSE AND EXTRACTS HER WALLET. VOICE-OVER: "This man takes vacations for a living. Don't let him take yours. If American Express Travelers checks are lost or stolen, they can be replaced at over 6000 locations worldwide." CUT TO THE WOMAN IN A POLICE STATION WITH TWO BORED, MIDDLE-AGED POLICE OFFICERS. WOMAN (FRANTIC): "My name is Amanda Richards, and I'm an Assistant District Attorney in New York City. I'm telling you the man took all of my money and ID. If you would just let me call New York, I can prove...." DEPUTY: "Phone calls cost money, honey, and you don't got none." (HE TURNS TO THE OTHER OFFICER AND CONTINUES.) "She looks kind of young to me. We better call Prof. Leamus down at the Reformatory." WOMAN: "Reformatory? Look, I know I look young, but I'm 27! And who's Prof. Leamus?" JUMP CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN'S FACE AS SHE CRIES OUT. THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SHOW THAT SHE IS NOW WEARING A SCHOOL UNIFORM AND IS BENT OVER A LARGE WOODEN DESK. HER FACE AND SHOULDERS COVER ANY NUDITY, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS, AS THE CANE SLASHES DOWN, THAT SHE IS GETTING A SPANKING! WOMAN: "S-seven! I'm SORRY, Professor! I'll be a good girl! I won't try to use the phone ever again...." VOICE-OVER: "And with American Express Traveler's Insurance, one of our representatives can help you replace lost or stolen ID within 24 hours." WHOOSH! WOMAN: "Eight! Please, sir! I'll do ANYTHING you say!" VOICE-OVER: "American Express. Don't leave home without it." ****************************** COMMERCIAL 3: SMARTER A PRETTY WOMAN IN A SHORT EXAMINATION GOWN IS SITTING ON THE END OF AN EXAM TABLE. IN FRONT OF HER A PUDGY MAN IN A WHITE LAB COAT IS TAKING NOTES. WOMAN (FLUSHED AND EMBARRASSED): "Can I get down now?" MAN (STILL TAKING NOTES, ABSENTMINDEDLY): "Let's see...examined your breasts...muscle tone...reflexes.... Checked all over your body for moles and lesions.... Gave you a complete pelvic. Yes, I think we're done." WOMAN (CLEARLY RELIEVED): "What do you think, Doctor?" MAN (SURPRISED): "Oh, I'm not a doctor.... I'm just here to read the meter, and I put on this white coat because I was cold. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE HORRIFIED WOMAN, AND THEN TO THE SMILING "DOCTOR." VOICE-OVER: "Holiday Inn Express. Stay Smarter." ****************************** COMMERCIAL 4: TRAFFIC STOP A FAT SHERIFF IS WALKING SLOWLY AROUND AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN DRESSED IN CUTOFFS AND A MIDRIFF-BARING TOP. HE OPENLY LEERS AND OGLES HER AS HE CIRCLES. SHERIFF: "You know you're in a heap of trouble, Missy. My deputies are going over your car right now. And, if they find anything wrong -- a busted taillight, sticky brakes, ANYTHING -- I'll have to take you into custody." THE WOMAN SAYS NOTHING, BUT SMILES BACK AT HIM. THE SHERIFF CONTINUES WALKING AROUND HER IN A SLOW CIRCLE. SHERIFF: "Your sweet little behind is going to be doing hard time on my prison farm. Your fancy-pants UN-EEE-VERSITY degree won't help you none there!" CLOSE-UP OF THE SHERIFF LICKING HIS LIPS IN ANTICIPATION: "Of course, FIRST I'm going to have to take you back to my office for a little of the ol' pat-and-poke." THE WOMAN SAYS NOTHING, BUT TAKES A LOLLYPOP OUT OF HER POCKET AND BEGINS TO LICK IT SEDUCTIVELY WHILE THE SHERIFF CONTINUES TO LEER AT HER. SHERIFF: "Pretty cocky aren't you? Well, I do like that, but you won't be so sassy when I get you back to the station and slip on the rubber glove. Yup. Just one little flaw in that fancy car of yours, that's all it'll take." AS THE SHERIFF IS TALKING, A DEPUTY ENTERS THE FRAME AND WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS EAR. SHERIFF (SURPRISED): "Nothing? There's got to be SOMETHING wrong with her car! There's something wrong with EVERY car!" CUT TO A CAR PARKED BY SIDE OF A RURAL ROAD. IT IS LATE AT NIGHT, AND THE MOON IS OVERHEAD, BUT THE SHERIFF AND FIVE DEPUTIES ARE STILL EXAMINING THE CAR. THE WOMAN, CLEARLY BORED, IS SITTING ON THE HOOD. SHE GLANCES AT HER WATCH AS THE SHERIFF CONTINUES TO DIRECT HIS DEPUTIES THROUGH A FRUITLESS SEARCH FOR A DEFECT. CUT TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE DEPUTIES AND THE BORED WOMAN, AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS APPEAR: Mercedes Benz. Engineered like no other car. ****************************** COMMERCIAL 5: IRISH SPRING SCENE 1: AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE IN HER 30s IS LUXURIATING THROUGH A STEAMY SHOWER. VOICE-OVER (WITH A THICK IRISH BROGUE): "Showering with new and improved Irish Spring is so refreshing, it's like showering in the great outdoors!" CUT TO A LARGE PICNIC GROUND WITH A BANNER THAT READS, "WELCOME BACK ALUMNI: HOMECOMING 2003!" THE AREA IS CROWDED WITH FRAT BOYS AND ALUMNI. SUDDENLY THE WALLS OF THE WOODEN SHOWER HOUSE COLLAPSE, AND THE WOMAN IN THE SHOWER IMMEDIATELY REPOSITIONS HERSELF TO COVER HER NAUGHTY BITS. PAN OVER TO SHOW THE DELIGHTED FRAT BOYS AND ALUMNI SMILING, LAUGHING, POINTING, AND APPLAUDING WILDLY. FADE OUT. SCENE 2: FADE IN ON A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WITH SHOULDER-LENGTH RED HAIR, STILL WET FROM HER SHOWER, CLAD IN A GREEN AND WHITE STRIPED TOWEL WITH THE "IRISH SPRING" LOGO. SHE OPENS HER FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS OUT CAREFULLY TO MAKE SURE THE COAST IS CLEAR BEFORE STEPPING OUT TO FETCH THE MORNING PAPER. VOICE-OVER: "After a shower with Irish Spring, you'll feel like you're standing outside on a bright sunny day, in all of nature's glory." AS THE WOMAN REACHES DOWN TO GET THE PAPER, HER IRISH SETTER RUNS OVER AND PLAYFULLY BITES A CORNER OF HER TOWEL. THE WOMAN TURNS, TRYING TO GRAB HIS COLLAR, BUT MISSES. THE DOG RUNS INSIDE THE HOUSE, STILL WITH THE TOWEL IN HIS TEETH. CUT TO THE DOG, HIS TAIL WAGGING, USING HIS FRONT PAWS TO PUSH THE DOOR CLOSED. CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE SPRING-LOCK CLICKING INTO PLACE. CUT TO THE NOW NAKED WOMAN PULLING DESPERATELY ON THE DOOR KNOB. WOMAN: "Bad dog, Leprechaun! I don't care what Frank says. I swear I'll send you to obedience school.... Or get you fixed!" VOICE-OVER: "Irish Spring is like a run through the park on a bright, sunny Irish day. It will be the top-o'-the morning to you!" THE CAMERA SHOWS THE WOMAN LOOKING AROUND QUICKLY BEFORE MAKING A DASH FOR THE BACK DOOR. BUT, AS SHE NEARS THE REAR OF HER HOUSE, A POLICE CAR PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY BEHIND HER. THE NAKED WOMAN RUNS DOWN THE ALLEY BEHIND HER HOUSE, PAST THE YARD OF A GRINNING BOY WHO LOOKS TO BE ABOUT 18 OR 19. HE IS TAKING SHEETS DOWN OFF THE LINE. SHE MOTIONS FOR HIM TO TOSS HER A SHEET, BUT INSTEAD HE TAKES A DIGITAL CAMERA OUT OF HIS POCKET AND POINTS IT STRAIGHT AT HER. CUT TO THE NAKED WOMAN, NOW IN HANDCUFFS, BEING WALKED SLOWLY TO THE SQUAD CAR BY TWO GRINNING ROLY-POLY DEPUTIES. THERE IS A WIDE ASSORTMENT OF LAUGHING, GRINNING NEIGHBORS WATCHING -- THE BOY WITH THE CAMERA, AN OLD MAN WATERING HIS LAWN, A COUPLE OF MEXICAN GARDENERS, TWO OLD BIDDIES KNITTING ON THEIR FRONT PORCH, THE MILKMAN, AND THE MAILMAN. THE BOY WITH THE DIGITAL CAMERA IS RUNNING BACKWARDS, TAKING PICTURES, AS SHE IS MARCHED TOWARDS THE POLICE CAR. CUT TO LEPRECHAUN, THE DOG, HIS TAIL WAGGING, WATCHING THROUGH THE WINDOW AS HIS CUFFED MISTRESS IS LED AWAY. VOICE-OVER: "Irish Spring is as fresh and invigorating as a morning dance with a leprechaun! But don't let 'em see your pot of gold, ladies!" ****************************** COMMERCIAL 6: WINDEX IN THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE FROM "ONE QUESTION TO MANY," A DEPUTY WITH A BOTTLE OF WINDEX SAUNTERS PAST THE CELLS. A SMARTLY DRESSED YOUNG WOMAN GRASPS THE BARS OF HER CELL AND WATCHES NERVOUSLY AS THE WHISTLING DEPUTY PASSES. VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine! Windex makes it shine!" THE DEPUTY WALKS PAST THE EXAM TABLE TO THE HUGE GLASS PICTURE WINDOW, WHICH IS ALREADY CROWDED WITH MEN. AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY, HE BEGINS CLEANING THE WINDOW. VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine! Windex makes it shine!" THE DEPUTY SPRAYS WINDEX DIRECTLY ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE FACE OF AN OLD MAN. BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT THE FACE IS PRESSED AGAINST THE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW IN ANTICIPATION, AND THE DEPUTY IS SIMPLY CLEANING THE INSIDE OF THE GLASS. VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine! Windex makes it shine" VOICE-OVER: "New and improved Windex will give you a streak-free shine every time!" CUT TO THE DEPUTY TURNING HIS ATTENTION TO THE SHINY METAL STIRRUPS OF THE EXAMINATION TABLE. CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE WOMAN IN HER CELL, SWALLOWING NERVOUSLY AS THE GRINNING DEPUTY POLISHES THE STIRRUPS. VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine! Windex makes it shine!" CUT TO THE DEPUTY CAREFULLY POLISHING THE SHOWER HEAD AND THE CURTAIN ROD OF THE CURTAINLESS SHOWER. VOICE-OVER: "And Windex will help you make those hard-to-clean bathroom surfaces sparkle!" CUT TO THE DEPUTY UP ON A LADDER, CLEANING THE LENS OF A LARGE CEILING-MOUNTED VIDEO CAMERA ABOVE THE EXAMINATION TABLE. CUT TO A CLOSE-UP IN THE CELL OF THE WOMAN WINCING AND BITING HER LIP. CUT TO THE DEPUTY, STILL SMILING AND WHISTLING, POLISHING THE SHINY METAL NOZZLE OF THE GREEN CANISTER MARKED "DELOUSING SPRAY." VOICE-OVER (WITH MUSIC): "Shine, Shine! Windex makes it shine!" THE WOMAN, WHO HAS JUST BEEN LED OUT OF HER CELL BY THE DEPUTY, LOOKS DOWN AT HER REFLECTION IN THE CHROME STIRRUPS. VOICE-OVER: "With new Windex you can see yourself!" CUT TO THE WOMAN'S REFLECTION IN THE HUGE PICTURE WINDOW AS SHE STARES IN HORROR AT THE HUGE CROWD OF MEN LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW AT HER. THE WINDOW SHOWS BOTH THE MEN'S FACES AND THE WOMAN'S AGHAST EXPRESSION. VOICE-OVER: "And everyone else can see you!" ****************************** COMMERCIAL 7: RELIABILITY A SPOT ON A RURAL ROAD, SHOWN FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE INSIDE OF A SQUAD CAR PARKED BEHIND A BILLBOARD. SEATED IN THE SQUAD CAR, DEPUTY DUFFY IS LISTENING TO RADIO TRANSMISSIONS. RADIO VOICE: "Jeepers! I just bagged another one. A hot little redhead zipping down the road like her hair was on fire. Gosh, I can hardly wait to get her into the stirrups!" SECOND RADIO VOICE: "Is she hotter than those two little foxes you bagged this morning?" FIRST VOICE: "Even hotter! I mean, they were professional cheerleaders and all, and they danced real pretty when I stripped them down, but this one's a college girl. And I love those hot, frisky coeds!" SECOND VOICE: "Boy, that radar gun of yours just won't stop beeping. I love summer...all the hot babes zipping around in their convertibles!" CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF DUFFY AS HE HEARS THE ROAR OF AN ENGINE COMING FROM DOWN THE ROAD. DUFFY HOLDS HIS RADAR GUN WITH BOTH HANDS, GRIMACING IN CONCENTRATION, AS HE TRIES TO GET THE PERFECT ANGLE. A YELLOW CORVETTE WITH TWO GORGEOUS WOMEN ROUNDS THE CORNER AND FISHTAILS IN A CLOUD OF DUST. DUFFY POINTS THE RADAR GUN RIGHT AT THE CAR AND SMILES. THE CAR ZOOMS PAST. NOTHING HAPPENS. FIRST VOICE: "Hot damn! I just picked up that foxy little newscaster from Channel 3! Damnation, these new radar guns are goo-ood!" SECOND VOICE: "You always did have a good 'feel' for 'handling' the press." FIRST VOICE: "And it looks like I'll win this month's special $5000 bonus for bringing in the hottest celebrity. Eat your heart out, Duffy!" DUFFY LOOKS UP AS A GREEN PORSCHE ROUNDS THE CORNER AND STOPS A FEW FEET AWAY FROM HIM. THE CAR IS PLAYING THE LATEST AWFUL BRITNEY SPEARS SONG. DUFFY'S JAW DROPS AS HE SEES BRITNEY SPEARS AND JENNIFER ANISTON EMERGE FROM THE CAR. BOTH ARE DRESSED IN SHORTS AND MIDRIFF-BARING HALF SHIRTS. JENNIFER (UNFOLDING THE MAP): "For crying out loud, Britney, turn off that stupid song! I need to concentrate." BRITNEY (BLOWING A BUBBLE): "But that's my new one.... Uh...isn't it?" JENNIFER: "I don't think we're anywhere near Manhattan. We must be in New Jersey." DUFFY (MUTTERING): "You're in VERMONT, Einstein." BRITNEY: "Maybe if you drove a little faster, we'd be there by now." JENNIFER: "Driving faster doesn't help when you're going the wrong way, radio head. Just keep your bubble gum music off. I can't concentrate with that crap on. If they'd been playing that in our bombers, our pilots would have unloaded over Boston instead of Baghdad." BRITNEY (SNAPPING A BUBBLE): "I don't get it." JENNIFER (DISGUSTED, UNDER HER BREATH): "I'm sure you don't. I swear, next time, Brad's going to drive you." DUFFY WATCHES AS THE TWO WOMEN GET IN THE CAR AND BUCKLE UP. BRITNEY: "Can you make it go FAST? I like it when it goes fast!" JENNIFER: "You want FAST, bubble head? Ill show you FAST...." DUFFY QUICKLY POINTS THE RADAR GUN AS JENNIFER BEGINS RACING THE ENGINE. THE CAMERA CUTS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN BRITNEY BLOWING A BUBBLE, JENNIFER'S SHAPELY LEG GUNNING THE ENGINE, AND THE SMALL TRICKLE OF SWEAT RUNNING DOWN DUFFY'S FACE AS HE POINTS THE RADAR GUN AT THE STRAINING CAR. THE TWO WOMEN RACE OFF IN A CLOUD OF DUST, BUT THE RADAR GUN IS SILENT. DUFFY BEGINS BEATING THE USELESS DEVICE AGAINST THE DASH. FADE TO BLACK. STILL AUDIBLE ARE THE SOUNDS OF DUFFY, CRYING AND BASHING THE RADAR GUN IN FRUSTRATION, AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS APPEAR, ONE ROW AT A TIME, AGAINST THE BLACK BACKGROUND: DURACELL LONG LASTING POWERFUL DEPENDABLE DURACELL: THE COPPERS' TOP BATTERY. Edited by C. Lakewood