CHARLIE'S ANGELS UNTHROTTLED
by
Joe Doe
HOLLYWOOD WAS REPORTEDLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE TEPID PERFORMANCE OF
THIS SEQUEL TO A REMAKE. PERHAPS THEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED FOR FEWER
EXPLOSIONS, BUT MORE FIREWORKS....
CAST
Dylan Sanders: Drew Barrymore
Alex Mundy: Lisa Liu
Natalie Cook: Cameron Diaz
Opening Credits
NOTE THAT THE SEQUENCE WOULD BE SHOT IN THE MANNER OF THE 70S
NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, WITH NUDITY STRONGLY SUGGESTED, BUT
NEVER EXPLICITLY SHOWN.
CHARLIE'S VOICE-OVER: Once upon a time there were three beautiful
girls who went to the police academy....
CAMERA SHOWS TWO UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS TALKING IN WHAT APPEARS
TO BE A LARGE CEMENT ROOM. THE FIRST OFFICER IS IN A DRESS
UNIFORM; THE SECOND IS WEARING FATIGUES.
OLDER, UNIFORMED OFFICER: We have a fine looking group of female
cadets this year.
SECOND OFFICER (IN FATIGUES): You can say that again, sir!
THE CAMERA ROTATES TO REVEAL THAT THE MEN ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF
A LARGE GANG SHOWER IN THE WOMAN'S LOCKER ROOM. AS THE CAMERA
MOVES IN TIGHTER, IT REVEALS THE BARE BACKS OF ALEX, DYLAN, AND
NATALIE SHOWERING TOGETHER IN THE CONCRETE SHOWER.
CLOSEUP ON A SIDE VIEW OF THE THREE WOMEN, REVEALING THEIR BARE
SHOULDERS. ALEX LOOKS NERVOUSLY BEHIND HER AT THE TWO LEERING
OFFICERS. SHE IS CLEARLY EMBARRASSED AND BITES HER LIP ANXIOUSLY
AS A BLUSHING NATALIE PASSES HER THE SOAP.
CHARLIE'S VOICE-OVER: And they were each assigned to very hazardous
duties....
INTERIOR OF A HOTEL ROOM. ALEX IS DRESSED IN A HALTER, RED BOOTS,
AND SHORT-SHORTS. HER FACE IS HEAVILY MADE UP IN CLASSIC HOOKER
STYLE. SHE IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LARGE BLACK PIMP WHO IS WEARING
A PURPLE HAT. BEHIND HER IS ANOTHER MAN WITH A GUN.
ALEX: But I'm not trying to break into your territory. I'm an
undercover cop!
PIMP: Without a badge and gun?
ALEX: They were in my purse!
Alex fumbles in her tiny, cheap, empty purse, but the pimp is
unimpressed. She points to a tiny pin on her top.
ALEX: This broach is really a wire!
ALEX PULLS THE SHIRT CLOSER TO HER MOUTH AND BEINGS TO SHOUT.
Alex: Backup! I need backup! NOW!
INTERIOR, POLICE CAR. TWO PUDGY MALE POLICE OFFICERS LAUGH
HYSTERICALLY AS ALEX'S PANICKED VOICE BLARES OVER THE RADIO.
ONE OF THE OFFICERS PLAYFULLY TOYS WITH ALEX'S BADGE AND GUN.
THE OTHER IS LAUGHING SO HARD THAT HE ALMOST DROPS HIS DOUGHNUT
AND SPILLS HIS COFFEE.
ALEX'S VOICE OVER RADIO: Backup! I need backup NOW!
INTERIOR, HOTEL ROOM.
PIMP: If you wants to ho on my street, I get 50%! But first I gots
t'make sure that you is good enough to work in my stable....
THE PIMP SPINS ALEX AROUND AND BENDS HER OVER THE CHAIR. SHE
BEGINS TO COUNTER WITH A JUDO MOVE....
CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE OTHER FELON IN THE ROOM COCKING HIS GUN AS
ALEX PREPARES TO MAKE HER MOVE.
CLOSEUP OF ALEX AS SHE EYES THE GUNMAN. SHE SIZES UP THE SITUATION
AND THEN LETS HERSELF GO SLACK.
CAMERA SHOWS A CLOSEUP OF HER BOOTED FEET AS FIRST HER SHORTS AND
THEN HER PINK PANTIES DESCEND AROUND HER ANKLES.
INTERIOR, POLICE CAR: THE TWO OFFICERS LAUGH AS THEY HEAR THE
PIMP'S VOICE COME OVER THE RADIO.
PIMP: That's one tight fortune cookie!
INTERIOR, CLASSROOM AT POLICE ACADEMY. CAMERA SHOWS NATALIE,
KNEELING ON ALL FOURS ON A DESK FACING A CAMERA. SHE IS TOTALLY
NAKED, AND A CLASSROOM OF MALE POLICE OFFICERS IS STARING AT HER
BACKSIDE. SHE IS FACING THE CAMERA AND IS USING HER ARMS TO
SUPPORT HER WEIGHT. HER ARMS SHIELD HER NAUGHTY BITS FROM THE
CAMERA, BUT IT IS OBVIOUS THAT SHE IS COMPLETELY NUDE.
CAMERA CUTS TO A CLOSEUP OF THE SMILING MALE INSTRUCTOR.
INSTRUCTOR: I'd like to thank this officer for...uh...volunteering
to help us with our demonstration of proper cavity search technique.
NATALIE (grumbling): I didn't volunteer!
INSTRUCTOR: Whatever. Now there's no reason to be modest, young
lady...after all, this is your fourth class today, isn't it?
Spread your legs like a good little girl so the class can see
if you have any contraband.
THE CAMERA DOES A CLOSEUP ON NATALIE'S BLUSHING FACE AS SHE
GRIMACES AND SHIFTS HER WEIGHT TO MOVE INTO THE PROPER POSITION.
HER BLUSH DEEPENS AS THE CLASSROOM ERUPTS INTO TITTERS AND EVEN
A FEW WOLF WHISTLES.
VOICE 1 FROM OFF-CAMERA: Would you look at that little blonde honey
pot?
VOICE 2: I'd like to get a feel of that!
VOICE 3: Don't worry, you will. We all will.
VOICE OF INSTRUCTOR: Did everyone remember to bring their gloves?
THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE GRINNING MALE OFFICERS IN THE FIRST
TWO ROWS HOLDING UP THEIR HANDS. EVERY HAND IS ENCASED IN A
DISPOSABLE LATEX GLOVE.
VOICE OF INSTRUCTOR: Excellent! If you form a line behind the
suspect we'll get started. Don't forget to use plenty of lube,
gentlemen...it will really help out in the tight spots.
CAMERA CUTS TO CLOSEUP OF NATALIE MUTTERING TO HERSELF.
NATALIE (under her breath): This whole assignment is a tight spot!
HER EYES GO WIDE AS WE SEE THE GRINNING MALE OFFICER BEHIND HER
SLIDE HIS HAND OFF-CAMERA, BUT THE CAMERA CAN SEE HER GRIMACE
AND GRIT HER TEETH AS HER CAVITY SEARCH BEGINS....
INTERIOR, OFFICE. CAMERA SHOWS DYLAN IN PROFILE WITH HER
MIDDLE-AGED SUPERIOR OFFICER. HE IS FAT, UNATTRACTIVE, AND BALD.
SUPERIOR OFFICER: And what you have to understand, Dylan, is that,
as a female officer, you have to go along to get along....
HE PUSHES DOWN ON HER SHOULDERS GENTLY, AND DYLAN DROPS TO HER
KNEES. A LOOK OF DISGUST CROSSES HER FACE AS HE UNZIPS HIS PANTS.
CLOSEUP ON THE MALE OFFICER, SIDE VIEW, LOOKING DOWN ON DYLAN WITH
A LEERING SMILE.
SUPERIOR OFFICER: If you want to stay on the force, Dylan, you're
going to have to demonstrate the proper respect for your male
superiors.
CLOSEUP ON THE MALE OFFICER'S FACE AS HE CLOSES HIS EYES, SMILES,
AND GRUNTS WITH PLEASURE.
SUPERIOR OFFICER: OH! OH! OH! OH!
A QUICK CUT SHOWS ALEX, STILL IN HER HOOKER OUTFIT, COMING OUT OF
THE STATION.
ALEX IS JOINED BY DYLAN. DYLAN IS STILL IN THE UNIFORM SHE WAS
WEARING IN HER SUPERIOR'S OFFICE, AND SHE HAS A "MILK MUSTACHE."
LAST, THEY ARE JOINED BY NATALIE. SHE IS FRESH FROM THE SEARCH
DEMONSTRATION AND IS WEARING ONLY A TOWEL.
CHARLIE'S VOICE: But I took them away from all that, and now they
work for me. My name is Charlie.
THE THEME MUSIC SWELLS AS THE AUDIENCE SEES A MONTAGE OF THE
ANGELS IN VARIOUS UNDERCOVER ASSIGNMENTS: AS ROCK MUSICIANS,
RACE CAR DRIVERS, STEWARDESSES....
INTERIOR, SCHOOL HALLWAY. NATALIE, HER BLONDE HAIR IN PIGTAILS,
IS DRESSED IN A SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH A WHITE SHIRT, TIE, AND SHORT
SKIRT. SHE IS STANDING OUTSIDE A DOOR MARKED "PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE."
SHE NERVOUSLY FIDGETS AND POLISHES HER SHINY BLACK SHOE AGAINST
THE BACK OF HER BARE CALF AS SHE LISTENS TO THE VOICES ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.
FEMALE VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR: Please, sir! Don't
spank me on the bare! I'm 18 years old!
MALE VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR: Maybe a strong dose of
humiliation will teach you not to sass your betters!
CAMERA SHOWS NATALIE UNFOLDING A PINK SLIP OF PAPER SHE WAS HOLDING
BEHIND HER BACK.
CLOSE UP ON THE PINK PAPER. ON THE TOP OF THE FORM ARE THE WORDS,
"DISCIPLINE PASS."
THERE IS A SLAPPING SOUND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.
FEMALE VOICE: Owww! Please, sir! I'm sorry I was naughty!
NATALIE RUBS HER OWN FANNY AND NERVOUSLY BITES HER LIP AS SHE
LISTENS TO THE SOUNDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. AS THE
SECOND SPANK LANDS, SHE JUMPS AS IF SHE HERSELF HAD JUST BEEN
SLAPPED ON THE FANNY.
FEMALE VOICE: Owww! Please, sir! I'll be good! I'll never sass
anyone again!
CLOSEUP ON NATALIE WINCING AS EACH SPANK LANDS....
MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE CONTINUES. WE SEE THE ANGELS
IN THE CIRCUS, THE ANGELS IN A MOTORCYCLE GANG, THE ANGELS AS
TRUCKERS.
INTERIOR, PADDED CELL. DYLAN IS LYING ON THE FLOOR GAGGED AND
STRAITJACKETED. SHE STRUGGLES AGAINST HER RESTRAINTS, BUT IT IS
HOPELESS.
A SMILING YOUNG ORDERLY, ABOUT 19 YEARS OLD, WALKS IN.
ORDERLY, IN A SING-SONG VOICE: How are we feeling this morning,
Dylan? Did we sleep tight?
DYLAN STRUGGLES AGAINST HER BONDS IN ANGER. SHE JERKS WHEN THE
ORDERLY PUTS HIS HAND ON THE INSIDE OF HER CALF AND STARTS TO RUN
IT SLOWLY UP HER LEG.
ORDERLY (speaking softly and slowly, as if to a crazy person): You
know, you're my favorite patient, Dylan. Such pretty skin...such
pretty legs. Of course, now it's time for your morning enema.
Hold still while I get the lube....
MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE RESUMES. WE SEE THE ANGELS AS
FASHION MODELS, THE ANGELS AS CHEERLEADERS, AND THE ANGELS ON A
MOVIE SET.
INTERIOR, SEEDY STRIP CLUB. A SMILING COED IN A STYLISH DRESS IS
WALKING BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF SIX NERVOUS YOUNG WOMEN,
INCLUDING ALEX.
STYLISH COED, SMILING CRUELLY: Unfortunately for you, the location
of tonight's initiation mysteriously leaked out and those darn
fraternity boys showed up. And it looks like they brought their
cameras.
THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE BLUSHING FACES OF THE HORRIFIED COEDS,
INCLUDING ALEX. THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO THE STYLISHLY DRESSED
PLEDGE MISTRESS AS SHE BEGINS TO SPEAK AGAIN.
STYLISH COED: And, since you're such a brainiac, Alex, we'll start
with you....
Alex: You want me to strip? In front of all those FRAT BOYS?
STYLISH COED (happily): To the skin!
MUSIC SWELLS AGAIN AS THE MONTAGE CONTINUES. WE SEE THE ANGELS
JUMPING OUT OF AN AIRPLANE, THE ANGELS IN SCUBA GEAR, AND THE
ANGELS DRESSED AS SOLDIERS.
INTERIOR, ARMY BARRACKS. SIDE VIEW OF A GENERAL TALKING TO A
DRILL SERGEANT.
GENERAL: We have a fine looking group of female recruits this year.
DRILL SERGEANT: You can say that again, sir!
CAMERA REVEALS THAT THE MEN ARE STANDING IN A CEMENT ROOM. AS THE
CAMERA MOVES, IT REVEALS THE BARE BACKS OF ALEX, DYLAN, AND NATALIE
SHOWERING TOGETHER IN A LARGE GANG SHOWER THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE
THE SHOWER AT THE POLICE ACADEMY.
CLOSEUP ON THE THREE NAKED WOMEN SHOWING ONLY THEIR BARE SHOULDERS.
ALEX GLARES ANGRILY OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE LEERING MEN. NATALIE
SHRUGS AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" AND THEN, ONCE
AGAIN, PASSES HER THE SOAP.
ALEX (muttering): Some things never change!
THE FAMILIAR LOGO COMES UP, AND THE RED CLOUDS EXPLODE BEHIND THE
SILHOUETTE OF THE THREE GIRLS.
FADE TO BLACK....
******************************
Note from Joe: And that's just my credit sequence. Can you
imagine how good the MOVIE could be?
Edited by C. Lakewood