This is the third installment in the Brewbottom saga (and the first story I ever wrote). LETTER PERFECT, ADDENDUM by C. Lakewood IT IS THE THIRD DAY FOLLOWING THE ABRUPT ARREST AND RE-INCARCERATION OF NATALIE BREWBOTTOM, NOW EX-WARDEN OF HONEY POT CORRECTIONAL FACILITY FOR WOMEN. (FOR THE STORY SO FAR, SEE "BREWBOTTOM" AND "LETTER PERFECT," BOTH WRITTEN BY THE NOTED PENOLOGIST, JOE DOE.) AN E-MAIL MESSAGE HAS JUST ARRIVED AT HONEY POT FROM THE STATE CAPITAL. ********************************** To: Peggy Pigton, Acting Disciplinary Officer, Honey Pot Prison From: Holly Smith, Aide to the Governor Re: Prisoner 555-58-03483-A It was a pleasure to speak with you yesterday, concerning prisoner Brewbottom. You were quite correct to point out that each time she bribed a guard should be treated as a separate offense and sentenced accordingly...consecutively by all means. (For sentences on multiple crimes to run concurrently is an affront to justice.) Unfortunately for Natalie, this will mean a really extended stay behind bars. If, for example, she committed this offense only once a week during the 6 weeks or so she was incarcerated earlier, she would be facing additional time of 3 years or more. (And she has confessed, remember, that she did it "often.") Of course, good behavior on her part could reduce the time significantly, but I'm afraid she has a naturally willful and arrogant personality that will keep getting her into trouble. In any case, you must determine the frequency with which she committed these offenses. (As I have mentioned, we would grant full transactional immunity to anyone testifying against her.) However, I am happy to tell you that the Governor has agreed to give you the interim appointment noted in the address line above. And I am confident that, within 6 months, it will be made permanent. I trust you will take a personal interest in Natalie's well-being while she serves her time. With that in mind, I make the following suggestions: 1. For the past 60 days, her diet has been quite unlike what she is likely to get in prison, and I'm afraid she may suffer from constipation as a result. I think it advisable, therefore, that she be given a large, soapy enema at least twice a day. I am sending you a few retention nozzles, in case the prison has none on hand. 2. She has complained that the delousing fluid used there is quite irritating to her vagina (though I suppose, given her current circumstances, I should begin calling it her "cunt.") In any case, a single dose of it causes her "cunt" to become swollen, to lubricate constantly, and to itch maddeningly for some 8-10 days afterward. I realize that you must keep the prisoners vermin free, but I hope you will not have to delouse her crotch more than, say, once a week. I also believe she would be more sanitary if her pubic hair were permanently removed. Accordingly, I am sending you a heavy-duty epilator and a supply of a highly recommended herbal hair inhibitor. She should be completely free of pubic hair in perhaps 8-9 months. 3. Please continue to give her a full schedule of hard labor and "community service" assignments. She is task-oriented, and too much down-time would bore her. 4. During her brief tenure as warden, I know Natalie had been determined to improve race relations at the prison. For instance, after she learned that C Block held only Oriental women, she was making plans to transfer in some Caucasians. I think that she should have the honor of integrating C Block single-handedly. (Please make sure her cell-mates are appropriately chosen.) After perhaps a year, you can evaluate this experiment and decide whether to add any other Caucasian women to C Block...or just to leave well enough alone. 5. It would also be in keeping with her liberal social notions if her "off-duty activities" were supervised primarily by manly black guards. I do hope that refusing her the use of any sort of birth control device will help curb her salacious nature. 6. I had been worried that the large backlog of Disciplinary Requests she accrued during her 60-day tenure as warden might pose a problem. I was afraid this would result either in her receiving a dangerously severe amount of corporal punishment or in her being punished less than she actually deserves. Neither alternative is acceptable. I am also sending you, therefore, some new electrical equipment and full instructions on its use. Properly employed, it can cause the same pain as a sound strapping, but without the risk of nerve and tissue damage. You can use it as often as you like to discipline the uncooperative. It has a variety of applications, as you will learn. 7. And, finally, I am concerned about how this whole affair could tarnish Natalie's reputation, embarrass her colleagues, and distress her relatives. I enclose some papers for her signature. Once you return them to me, I can take steps to legally change her last name to "Beerbutt," liquidate her assets, and begin creating a new identity for her. I'm afraid, however, that this means you'll have to "process" her all over again from scratch. I apologize for the extra work this will entail. Since Natalie and I are cousins, I am of course very much interested in monitoring her efforts to acclimate herself to her newly-restored "proper position." Please continue to send me those interesting videotapes, and I'll also look forward to a full set of new "Posture" photos each month. Give my best to Warden Sorrel as he resumes his job, now that the 60-day hiatus that was forced upon him has ended. Holly Smith H_Smith666@StateMail.gov