LETTER PERFECT by Joe Doe IN THIS VERY BRIEF SEQUEL TO "BREWBOTTOM," NATALIE SENDS A LETTER TO THE GOVERNOR COMPLAINING ABOUT HER NEW ROLE AS WARDEN. THIS STORY WAS INSPIRED BY BLAIRBRECK'S COMMENTS ON "BREWBOTTOM." THANKS FOR THE GREAT IDEA! ****************************** To: Governor Willie Clanton From: Warden Natalie Brewbottom Subject: Honey Pot Prison Although I have been warden of Honey Pot prison for almost 60 days, I regret to inform you that I feel my effectiveness in the position is extremely limited. Under civil service laws, I am unable to fire or even discipline any of the staff members. As a result, my attempts to reform the prison have been futile. The strip searches, chain gangs, and strip club "work details" continue. Minor infractions are still "corrected" by strapping the adult women on their bare bottoms as if they were rebellious teenagers. My orders are ignored, and I am treated in the most patronizing and disrespectful manner imaginable. Miss Peggy Pigton, my secretary, frequently filled out disciplinary requests and reports on me when I was a lowly prisoner under her authority. Now she teasingly leaves pillows on my chair or winks at me and rubs her bottom. When I do something she doesn’t like, she posts a "Disciplinary Request" on the bulletin board, as if I were still a prisoner! Naked pictures of me taken during my incarceration have been distributed to guards and inmates. I cannot walk through the cellblock without the prisoners waving my pictures and shouting obscene appraisals of my anatomy. The disgusting pictures are also routinely posted at the water cooler, on my office door, on the office bulletin board, and even on the prison web site. Sometimes they staple a rubber glove to the picture or leave a jar of lubricant nearby. Almost every day, I am treated to a new limerick through the prison e-mail system. Here are just a couple of samples: Natalie was very bright, And she resisted with all her might. But when the order came over, for her to bend over, She still made a marvelous sight! Or: Natalie was very fair, And her intelligence was truly rare. But she was a bit haughty, so when she was naughty, We stripped her down totally bare! Under the guise of "Documenting Our Warden’s Courageous Undercover Work," my subordinates have installed a glass display case in the Visitor’s Center containing the humiliating details of my incarceration. My scanty prison uniform, chain gang shackles, and even my panties are on display in the case...next to a life-sized picture of me dressed in that degrading outfit. The prison strap used to discipline me is there, too, as well as all my "Disciplinary Reports," which detail every spanking I received. The phrase "BARE BOTTOM" is written on each of these reports. And all that is bad enough. But there is also a TV that plays a continuous videotape of my first prison strapping. My secretary, Peggy, is clearly audible on the tape, teasing and taunting me as I plead for mercy. It is mortifying to see the razor strap and listen to my punishment every time I enter or leave the prison! A security camera tape of my initial prison strip search and a video of my debut at the strip club also play continuously on other monitors. Copies of these tapes are available for $9.95 in the gift shop! They also display the French Maid, School Uniform, and Cheerleader outfits I was forced to wear at the strip club, along with smiling pictures of me in each costume. "Testimonials" about my excellent "oral technique" are on display in a section that describes how I was forced to perform oral sex on vendors to get reduced prices for the prison. Since everyone passes through the Visitor’s Center, the display totally undermines my authority. For example, I recently spoke to a group of male college students who visited the prison as part of a career program. Here are some of the written questions I received for the Q&A session: YOU CRIED LIKE A BABY THE FIRST TIME THEY SPANKED YOU, AND YOU PROMISED TO "DO ANYTHING." DID THE GUARDS TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR GENEROUS OFFER? WHAT IS THE LARGEST NUMBER OF MEN YOU HAD SEX WITH IN ONE DAY HERE AT THE PRISON? DID YOU GET MORE TIPS AT THE CLUB AFTER YOU SHAVED OFF YOUR PUBIC HAIR? WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE AT A PARTY AT OUR FRATERNITY THIS SATURDAY NIGHT? COULD YOU WEAR YOUR CUTE CHEERLEADER UNIFORM? Needless to say, it is quite difficult to maintain a professional demeanor when answering questions like these. The prison vendors have refused to sign the contracts for next year unless I demean myself with them again. Naturally, I have refused. During my incarceration I often performed various sex acts with guards in order to escape work details or shameful punishments. The same guards still treat me like a prisoner, pinching my bottom or groping me in the elevator. I cannot continue working here as the warden if I am treated this way. In short, I insist that you do something to change my status in the prison and restore me to my proper position. (Signed) Natalie Brewbottom ****************************** From: Holly Smith To: Peggy Pigton, Secretary, Honey Pot Prison I was disappointed to see that Natalie has totally lost control at the prison. I agree that she can no longer continue as warden under these conditions. We must restore her to her proper position. When I reviewed her file, I realized that Natalie’s release papers have been misplaced. Since her release is no longer official, I request that you take her into custody immediately and once again hold her as an inmate at the prison. We will hold a hearing to re-issue her release papers in 60 days. Unfortunately, the letter she sent me (attached) contains a written confession that she bribed prison guards with sexual favors when she was an inmate. If this is true, we may need to extend Natalie’s stay for 6-12 months. I am dispatching our best prosecutors to speak with the guards and build a case against Natalie. Naturally, we would be willing to grant anyone who testifies against her full immunity. Prisoner Brewbottom will be allowed to prepare a defense as soon as her public defender is sober enough to sit up. The Governor is very busy, so please send all future correspondence regarding this prisoner directly to me. Inmate Brewbottom must have NO phone or mail privileges. I suggest that you take her into custody right outside her office and perform her cavity search in full view of the prison staff. I will look forward to watching the videotape. Please process the accumulated "Disciplinary Request" forms that Prisoner Brewbottom has accrued during her tenure as warden as soon as possible. Please contact the college students and tell them that she and her delightful cheerleading costume are available for any and all future parties. Please inform me when she will appear again at the strip club. There are a number of her former professional colleagues who are very eager to see her perform. I certainly hope that the vendors will sign their contracts for next year now that Inmate Brewbottom has been restored to her proper position. I am concerned that she may have gotten chubby in the last 60 days and may have difficulty squeezing into the tight black cocktail dress she will wear during her vendor "meetings." Please arrange for a vigorous chain gang work assignment to whip her cute little fanny back into shape! She has often told me just how much she enjoyed working for you, Peggy. I certainly hope that Prisoner Brewbottom will once again have many opportunities to file, type, sew, dust, shine shoes, and scour floors under your close personal supervision. A number of inmates at the male prison a few miles away have recently helped the Governor’s re-election campaign by appearing on a television special, singing the praises of our new reform policies. Would it be possible to reward these reformed inmates by giving them copies of Natalie’s photos? Perhaps we could secure additional cooperation by arranging for the lonely inmates to have some "quiet time" with our winsome little jailbird? If you have any questions, please call me directly. Natalie and I are cousins, and I am always delighted to help. (Signed) Holly Smith Edited by C. Lakewood