ASYLUM SEARCHES by Dr. James Phony (edited by Joe Doe) IN THIS SCHOLARLY ARTICLE, THE ESTEEMED PSYCHIATRIST DESCRIBES THE VITAL ROLE OF HUMILIATION AND STRIP SEARCHES IN THE TREATMENT OF FEMALE MENTAL PATIENTS. Since the beginning of modern medicine, psychiatric treatments have been used to break the spirits of recalcitrant and rebellious women. Babbling Babe Asylum is proud of this rich and successful tradition, and strip searches are an important part of our treatment process. The women who enter our facility are typically successful and independent women who have displeased a male authority figure in some way. Stripping them (of their money, identification, freedom, and, finally, their clothing) is a vital first step in destroying their old identity so that a more docile, pleasing persona can be created. The case of "Cindy J." is a typical one. Her stepfather despised her "insolence" and, after an extensive consultation, Dr. Hal recommended a harsh dose of regression therapy. Naturally the first thing we did was strip the little smarty pants out of her fancy britches...right in front of her smiling stepfather. The look of shame and humiliation on Cindy's aristocratic little face as Dr. Hal shaved, powdered, and diapered her was simply priceless. After only a few months of diapers and baby bottles, we were able to release Cindy to the playroom for coloring and jump rope. Cindy still wets herself when she is angry or upset, but she tries to be a good girl, and her new lisp is adorable. When Cindy was finally paroled back into her stepfather's tender care, it was clear that she would no longer be a bother to anyone. She did complain that her ultra-short party dress didn't cover her "Winnie-the-Pooh" underpants, but, when her stern stepfather took the pouting young lady over his knee and pulled down those cute little underpants for a hot fanny tanning, a certain spoiled princess learned that sniveling was not allowed. Of course, deep down, Cindy knew that she was still a Harvard MBA, but the conditioning left her powerless to form that idea into words. Her acute and painful embarrassment over her loss in status made her stepfather's triumph that much sweeter. ****************************** Strip searches are a vital part of the treatment process. The patients' delusions of independence and competence must be utterly shattered before their new identities as compliant and submissive playthings can be formed. Each woman must be stripped of her rights, her dignity, and her freedom. When she realizes that no one will help her, hope quickly fades, and she then can assume her new role of hapless, abused mental patient. The strip search itself is vital. We typically give the patient hallucinogenic drugs before the sanity hearing, which enables us to separate her from her legal rights quickly and efficiently. As a result, when the woman is brought into our facility, she is usually incoherent and confused. Although we could easily strip her right then, we always give the patient a few hours of rolling around the padded cell in a straitjacket before we begin her processing. The combination of the tight jacket, isolation, and powerful drugs induces a panic attack that leaves the woman emotionally and physically exhausted by the time the drugs finally fade. When the drugs do wear off, a few beefy orderlies escort the dazed patient from her padded cell to the treatment room. There, her doctor informs her that she has been declared insane and that she will be under his absolute control for an indefinite period. The outraged patient always insists that a "mistake" has been made. But, once the doctor calls the woman's "sponsor" into the treatment room, the confusion ends. The sight of the business rival, hated relative, or spurned suitor immediately crystallizes the situation for the patient. Fortunately the patient's straitjacket prevents her from physically attacking her apparent nemesis. The presence of several huge male orderlies makes physical resistance absurd, and, when the straitjacket is removed and the order given, the woman usually surrenders her clothing voluntarily, albeit slowly. Having seen the other unhappy patients in their absurdly short little hospital gowns, the woman instinctively understands that her expensive clothing is her last link to her precious former identity. But, in the end, prolonging the medically-ordered striptease only makes the process that much more humiliating...and effective. We encourage the sponsor to watch as the patient is "processed." The patient always objects to stripping in front of a known enemy, but the sponsor has paid for the "treatment," and so has every right to watch the humiliated loser wiggle and squirm. Since a "deranged" mental patient might bite, rectal thermometers are used for both admissions and daily temperature readings. One of these days we'll get around to ordering those ear thermometers, ladies, but, until then...just bend over! The patient's hands are cuffed behind her back before the orderlies and her sponsor slowly march her down the busy main corridor of the asylum "in the buff." We always take a moment for a leisurely chat at the nurses station, since that gives the other hospital staff a chance to check out the "fresh vegetables," as they jokingly refer to the new arrivals. Pantiless patients hate it when we parade them down the crowded hospital hallways, but it is important to teach the girls that concepts like "privacy," "dignity," and "rights" don't apply to mental patients. The next stop is at the incinerator, where the horrified patient watches as we toss her precious clothing into the fire. Although this might seem needlessly cruel, the ritual destruction of every trace of her former identity is an important part of remolding the patient's mind. The women frequently panic when the doctor tells the orderlies to "take her to the examination room," especially when they see the smiles on their sponsors' faces. Patients will occasionally begin to struggle when they see the gynecological exam table, but the orderlies can easily strap them down for the cavity search. Each of the orderlies takes a turn, thoroughly probing both front and rear cavities. Thoroughness is key, and the process is never rushed. Nurses, orderlies, and doctors subject the humiliated patients to routine cavity searches several times each day. The shame and humiliation of the search is considered a vital part of the woman's conditioning. Sexual favors are also demanded routinely. The sponsor is always encouraged to help with the search. The look of sheer terror in a patient's pretty eyes as she watches the man she beat out for a promotion slip on a rubber glove is simply indescribable. Occasionally a sponsor will become aroused during the examination, and, for a modest $2 "service fee," the orderlies will leave the restrained patient with her sponsor for a "private examination." The stunned patient cannot believe that her once priceless favors have been sold so cheaply, and it isn't until the orderlies leave and her sponsor begins to unzip his pants that her helplessness becomes clear. A special mouth guard is provided so that the patient can provide oral satisfaction without harming her sponsor in any way. After the entertainment session is over, the orderlies take the little incompetent to the shower. Her pubic hair is removed and the words "PROPERTY OF BABBLING BABE ASYLUM" are tattooed in the tender crack between her buttocks. This degrading property tag is invisible when the patient is standing. But, when she spreads her legs and touches her toes for a search, her buttocks will part, and the logo will become visible for everyone to see. Orderlies are instructed to chuckle and run their fingers over the logo before every cavity search. Frequent reminders that "your ass belongs to us" (followed by a sharp fanny slap) are also encouraged. A serial number is tattooed on the inside of the patient's lip, as if she were a valued household pet. This lip tattoo is used instead of a medical bracelet to ascertain the patient's identity, and nurses and orderlies check it frequently. Even the proudest women must eventually get used to being treated like animals. Cavity searches are not limited to the initial processing. In fact, frequent "random searches" are performed on a regular basis. Although repeatedly bending these beautiful young ladies over for a greasy-gloved fingering might seem tedious, the dedicated young men who work at our institution never seem to mind. The frequent cavity searches reinforce the fact that the woman is a helpless mental patient with no rights and no privacy. Of course, if the orderly or doctor decides to expand the search to include more "intimate services," we encourage him or her to do so. After all, patients are here to learn obedience and submission. The women are routinely masturbated during the searches, but any signs of arousal are always rewarded with a harsh reprimand and a few sharp fanny slaps. Arousal is, of course, proof of nymphomania and warrants harsh treatment. The "filthy" piglets are naturally scolded for their "shameless" and "disgusting" behavior, even as such behavior is forced upon them. The straitjacket crotch straps can be easily loosened for a cavity search or an enema. The coarse fabric makes masturbation easy, and bored patients often pleasure themselves in their cell for hours, blissfully unaware that tapes of their self-gratification will be sent to their amused sponsors. The emphasis on masturbation is an important part of the woman's transformation from autonomous individual to dependent bimbo. In short, enforced nudity and cavity searches are vital treatment tools here at Babbling Babe, and we encourage other mental health officials not to overlook their valuable role in putting sassy little feminists in their place. _____________ NOTE: Dr. James Phony is Medical Director of the Babbling Babe Asylum. He graduated from Harvard Medical School just before the fire of 1985 tragically destroyed all records of his attendance there. Edited by C. Lakewood