THIS IS AN OLD, OLD JOKE that I've taken the liberty to embellish. It proves the old, old adage: Be very careful what you wish for, for you just might get it! There's no sex in it, but it's short enough to make up for that lack. Hope you like it. Codes: fant no-sex humor Wizard's Work! By Arthur Kay CLIMBING the 7,000-foot high mountain wasn't easy going, as most folks surely know, but the man was determined. No matter what, nothing was going to prevent him from seeing the Wizard. Nothing. Not a mere mountain, that's for sure. He had the thousand dollars, right there in his back pocket, and right in the old wallet, that the Wizard had stipulated he needed before he would perform his marvelous magic. It had taken him two years to save it up, and that fact, too, now inspired him to climb. Finally, he was at the top. He could see the Wizard's castle-style house off in the distance. Funny, he thought, it looks a lot smaller than in its catalog picture. Oh, well, I guess even Wizards let their ad people hype it up somewhat. He started walking toward the house, and as he walked, he noticed the house getting even smaller, which should have been, to his humble way of thinking, the other way around. My God, he thought, by the time I get there, at this rate, it will have disappeared completely! It didn't do that, but it did seem strangely small for a large castle- type house. When he was at the front door, a heavy wooden door with a large old-fashioned brass knocker hanging on it, he saw that he would have to stoop down just to enter. Wizards, he thought, are weird. He lifted the knocker and banged it, quite forcefully, against the wooden door three times. It made a hollow sound, as if someone had hit an empty barrel with a soft mallet. Thwump. Thwump. Thwump. From somewhere inside the house, he heard a voice yell, "Enter, you oaf! The door's not locked, you moronic idiot!" Rude fucker, the man thought as he pushed on the heavy door, bent down, and then went in. The inside of the place was something else altogether. It was a hodge- podge of colors, as if some demented interior decorator had decided it would be so much fun to use every color in the rainbow, and more than once. But, to the man, it also had a strange hominess to it. This is the kind of place a man, he mused, could feel right at home in. Especially when sitting in one of the two plush chairs that look to be about the size of a car. The same voice he had heard before, yelled again, "Up here, you dolt!" There was a flight of stairs directly in front of him that had a strange perspective to it. Instead of getting narrower at the top, the steps appeared to get wider as they progressed upward. They looked as if they had been constructed upside down. But, as he climbed them, they felt absolutely fine. Normal even. When he reached the top, he looked back down. What he saw didn't surprise him in the least. The stairs now looked wider at the bottom. "In here, you big fucking doofus!" He followed the nasty voice to a room less than fifteen feet from the stairs. At the door, he carefully peeked in. And there he was, the Wizard. Bare assed naked, with a large beaker in his left hand, and a wizard's typical tall conical cap on his head. The cap was covered with what seemed to be all the letters of the alphabet, and they seemed to be constantly changing. The letter B, in a flash, became a Q, and then, just as quickly, turned itself into an N. All the letters were doing this, in this willy-nilly, makes-no-sense-at-all manner. "Nice hat," the man said matter-of-factly as he entered. "Too bad you can't have it spell anything sensible. You could make a fortune in advertising!" He chuckled. The Wizard poured some vile looking green stuff into a large beaker, and then said, "Oh, yeah? How's this?" He waved his free hand around in the air three times, in a circle fashion. The conical cap now spelled out, "Fuck you, Shithead!" The man went closer, for a better look-see, as there was now something odd about the way the letters looked. They were wiggling around, as if alive. At two feet from the Wizard, the man noticed that the letters were being formed by living ants. Thousands of them, and all running frantically around to find their proper place in the order of things. It looked like organized chaos. "Amazing, Wiz, absolutely amazing! I am indeed impressed. But, besides parlor tricks like this one, and before I fork over a thou of my hard- earned cash to you, how do I know this isn't just some magician's illusion, a smoke-and-mirrors piece of bullshit, and you're no more a real Wizard than I am?" "You looking for proof, you snotball? From me? The greatest Wizard in the entire universe? The guy who taught Merlin how to spell magic? The dumb fucker always put a K on the ass end! Why, you schmuck, I even have Satan on my client list. And he ain't too easy to please, let me tell you." The man said, "Yeah, yeah, but so the fuck what? Who cares? What I wanna know is, Wizzy, can you do magic spells, real magic spells, the kind real Wizards are known to do. For if you can't, old man, I'm outta here!" He now stared defiantly at the Wizard. "Spells? Spells? You want spells, you fool? Didn't you read my flier? Or can't you read, you turd? No matter. I'm willing to waste my breath on you, you asshole." He added a blue liquid to the green, and shook the beaker gently. The combined color now looked like baby shit. He looked satisfied. He picked up a small bottle of yellow liquid. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. Spells. Ask anyone, you dickhead, about my spells. They'll tell you. Why, I've turned elephants into skinny pool cues. No easy feat that, don'tcha know? I've made fleas roar like lions. And lions sing in soprano. I’ve made the man in the moon wink, and just whom do you think it was, dumbkoff, who made the stars twinkle? And the sun yellow? Me, bucko, that's who." He added the yellow stuff to the beaker, and shook it, again gently. He smiled to himself. Still gently shaking the beaker, the Wizard said, "Where was I? Oh, yeah. Who do you think it was, dirtbag, who put that enigmatic smile on the Mona Lisa?" He placed a forefinger against his bare chest. "That dummy da Vinci wanted her to have a big old shit-eating grin on her silly puss. All because, as he told me at the time, he wanted to be the first artist in the world to capture a woman in the middle of a secret orgasm. If I hadn't stopped him, the ass, he would have called it The Moaning Lisa!" He now set the beaker down on a table. "I could go on and on, you twit, but I think I've told you enough to ensure you I can handle the little stupid wish you mentioned in your grammatically incorrect letter. And your spelling? It's I before E, except after C, idiot. But anyway, are you still sure you want to go through with it?" "Oh, yeah, if you can do it, that is, which I still ain't too sure about." "Tell you what I'm gonna do, you dunce. If I don't fulfill your wish, as exactly as you specify it to me, I'll give you your money back. That's fair, ain't it?" "Yeah, it is. Okay, we have a deal, Wizzo." "Good. Now go ahead and specify your wish to me. And be precise, for once it's done, noddie, and if it's done to your exact specifications, schmuck, it can't be undone. Not even by me. Okay?" "Okay. Here goes." He thought a time. "I want my dick to be long enough to reach the ground." "Dumbest fucking wish I ever heard of, you dingbat, but it that's what you want, well, that's what you'll get. Here, drink this." He offered the man the large beaker he had prepared. "Once this is inside you, I can lay the wish on you." The man drank, and made a lemon sucking face. "Yuck! That's some nasty shit you cranked out. Tastes worse than a skunk's asshole. Ugh!" "Yeah, well, just wait'll you get a load of the aftertaste, it's a doozy! But . . . to your wish. You must now get absolutely naked, and then stand at rigid attention, with both eyes closed. Open them even once, and it won't work. Capish?" The man nodded, and then removed all of his clothes. He then stood stock-still; his hands down along his sides, and closed both eyes. The Wizard looked pleased. "Alakazam, alakazoo, make this dummy's wish come true! To the gods I do implore, to make his pecker touch the floor!" There was a loud clap of thunder, and then a bright flash of light. Then the Wizard spoke, "You may open your eyes, dopey, for my great magic has now been done." The man opened his eyes, and looked down. And he saw, as plain as day that the Wizard's magic had truly worked as promised. His dick was, indeed, now touching the floor. The Wizard had accomplished this amazing feat of impossibility by simply making the man's legs disappear . . . The End.