Death by Fucking
© 2005 by Andrew Wiggin
Chapter
20
Dinner and a Movie
The Year Seven
Helen’s Story
At the
I sat with Donna and
Deirdre Adkins, watching as the Progenitor played tennis with the
prosecutor. I’m from
The environment here is
lovely. The house is a stately old mansion. The grounds are
well-kept and open. The family is calm and intelligent. The Progenitor
is playful and gorgeous. I suppose I expected none of this.
I had planned a bitchy
little story designed to poke holes in this person, ridicule his
pomposity. But he has no pomposity. I expected shy, foolish
women. Instead I found confident scholars. And they are as sexy as
he is. Even the friend, this Jake guy, has caught my eye. These
people live a good life.
Just being around these
beautiful people had gotten my juices flowing. Then one of the wives had
given me the Playboy article to read. It was an explicit description of
how Andrew Adkins had serviced two Playmates of the month during one session in
this very house!
Reading this story while
stealing glances at the Progenitor as he gracefully played tennis was one of my
more surreal experiences. Nothing seems to bother these people.
After I had returned the
magazine to one of the wives, she asked, “What are your plans for this
evening? Are you flying back to
I said, “No, if you are
agreeable, I’d like to return tomorrow and continue our interview. I’ve
got so many questions I haven’t even begun to ask. I’m embarrassed to
admit that you two ladies didn’t meet my preconceptions. The tone and
tenor of my story has to change.”
She smiled her
understanding. “Why don’t you stay with us tonight? Jake usually
stays for dinner when the boys play tennis. You would be more than
welcome to join in. And you could stay in our downstairs guest
room. We call it the “Get Andrew
I could tell that this
woman found the whole Playboy phenomenon highly amusing. She drops thinly
veiled hints about her husband’s sexual prowess then laughs at how a boring
family man such as Andrew Adkins could achieve the lofty status of
international sex god.
I thought about the
vanilla motel room I had planned to stay in; the standard fare meal from the
yuppie food chain I had noticed on the way out. Instead I was being
offered an opportunity to have a meal with the most extraordinary family in
America (maybe), and to stay in a room guaranteed to make me want to play with
myself (or anyone else that might offer). This was a no-brainer.
I happily accepted the
gracious offer. “Are you sure?” I don’t want to impose.”
She laughed her melodious
laugh, a small hand coming up to cover her mouth. “Sweetie, we have three
adults and six children, plus Jake, already. One more will hardly be
noticed. I must warn you however, dinner at our house can be a trying
experience to the uninitiated. Suffice it say that Emma will be
there. Oh, and it’s movie night. The whole
crew will be in the den watching. I was told that Eddie and Edie have
prepared something special, but I don’t know what it is.”
I asked, “Emma?
Emma is one of your daughters, isn’t she? Is she a problem?”
The woman’s laughter had
stopped but the twinkle remained in her beautiful eyes. “Emma is our own
little train wreck. She was the daughter that appeared on
I smiled. “Oh yes, the
one who told that Pastor in Swahili that he has a fat ass!”
Donnie or Deirdre,
whoever, said, “That’s one of her milder pranks. It took the news media a
week to pick up on it. No one of importance in this country speaks
Swahili it appears. But apparently a number of news outlets received
anonymous e-mails explaining the joke. That’s how it got out.”
I was confused.
“They received anonymous e-mails? Do you have any idea who might have
sent them?”
She replied, “I never
asked, but I do know that Emma doesn’t like it if her little tricks go
unappreciated.”
I laughed. “Why the little
devil. I can hardly wait to meet her.”
The wife nodded. “I
thought you might find her interesting. If you don’t mind I’ll seat you
next to her tonight. She will be playing to you anyway, so we might as
well make it easy on her. By the way, are you a meat eater or a
vegetarian?”
I said “Why, it doesn’t
matter. Whatever the family eats will be fine.”
“Our family has a
divide. Andrew eats meat when he can. And if Jake is here he has an
excuse. So when he makes dinner on tennis night, those two always have
meat.”
I was surprised.
“Andrew makes dinner on tennis night?”
She nodded. “Andrew
makes dinner every night. He does most of the cooking around here.
He’s a better cook than Donnie or me.”
Wow. I was going to
have a dinner prepared by the Progenitor. I said, “If it’s okay, I’ll
join the men and have meat.”
She said, “I’m sure that
will be fine. Andrew is making rack of lamb tonight.”
I tried to back
out. “Oh, don’t let him to go to all that trouble on my account.
I’m sure that whatever the rest of the family is having will be fine.”
She wouldn’t take ‘no’
for an answer. “Don’t worry yourself about it. Andrew loves rack of
lamb. He’s always looking for an excuse to have it. And he claims
that it is really quite easy to make. So rack of lamb it is. Why
don’t you get your things and I’ll get you settled in the ‘Get Andrew
The men had finished
their tennis match and were walking over to the wives and me. I could
tell by the look on Andrew’s face that he had lost. Jake looked smug and
was offering Andrew advice on tennis.
“Drew, I recommend that
when a ball comes in your general direction you lift your racket and attempt to
hit it. Who knows, you might get lucky and connect with something.”
Andrew looked at Jake
with weary resignation. I somehow felt that when the shoe is on the other
foot, Andrew has no compunctions about offering Jake advice of his own.
“
Jake said, “You used to
claim that you are a tennis stud, but now we learn that you’re just a
stud. I’m so proud to know you, Mr. Progenitor.”
Andrew shot what appeared
to be a guilty look towards his wives. He saw that Donnie was perusing
the magazine. I knew it was Donnie because Deirdre was the one I was
speaking to.
“Uh, Donnie are you going to monopolize that thing all day?”
Donnie looked up from the
picture spread as if noticing Andrew for the first time. “Andrew!
There you are. You know we are all so pleased. Our husband does two
Playmates at once! I think we should send a copy of this to your
mother. I’m sure she will be very proud.”
“Mom always said I had
talent. I just had to discover what it is. Now let me see what it
is I did, will ya?”
Donnie looked smug.
She said to me, “I’ll bet he doesn’t even remember who they are.”
Jake nodded his
head. “Yeah, he asked me what they looked like. I told him if I
ever went to bed with two Playmates, I sure as hell would have remembered their
faces. The man’s sick.”
Andrew said, “The man has
two wives that will make you forget every other face you ever saw.”
Donnie hardly even smiled
at that. She knew it already. She handed the magazine over and
Andrew looked at the centerfold with two pulchritudinous babes displaying their
charms.
He nodded. “Oh, yeah; those two. I kind of remember them.
Their names begin with “D”, right?”
Deirdre smiled
indulgently at her husband. She said to me, “Every woman he’s been with
has a name starting with the letter “D”, so he made a safe guess. He’s
been impregnating women from the IAM “D” generation.”
Andrew said, ‘Yes, how
bad is that! Worse, I’ve had over a thousand children, and every one of
them has a name starting with the letter “E”. Now that should warrant
consideration in the Book of World Records, shouldn’t it?
Donnie said, “The real
record is that with a thousand children, over eight hundred girls, and not one
Edith or Ethel or Edna. That was the major condition that Andrew made the
women agree to before impregnation.”
Andrew tried to defend
himself. “I hate those names. Who wants a kid named Ethel?”
I could see that the Progenitor
had a child-like view of life. No wonder these marvelous women were with
him. He’s gorgeous, amazing in bed, and intelligent; yet he’s innocent
and playful.
Jake looked at the
wives. He said, “Andrew tells me that you don’t allow Playboy in the
house. What do you plan to do with this one?”
Donnie chuckled.
“It’s going on our coffee table. Our husband is a celebrity! Is
Andrew said, “I haven’t
owned a copy of Playboy since college. Some guy I knew had a vintage
collection of Playboys that must have covered ten years of issues. For
some reason he didn’t want to take them with him when he graduated, so he sold
me the whole batch.”
“I knew exactly what I
wanted to do with them. Did you ever see that painting “American Gothic”
by Grant Wood – a dour old farm couple standing in front of their house, the
man with a pitch fork, the woman looking like Granny on the
Everyone looked at him
with a mixture of amazement and pity as he went through this
dissertation.
Jake said, “Drew the
thing that worries me is that you would probably do the same damn thing today
if you had the chance.”
Andrew replied,
“Sure. Who wouldn’t?”
The wives stood up.
One said to her husband, “Come on sweetheart, let’s
get you out of the sun. I think it’s affecting your brain.”
The other wife said, “As
long as it doesn’t affect anything else, who cares?”
Andrew took his wives by
the arm and the five us returned to the house.
Donnie showed me into the
“Get Andrew
Dinner
I don’t suppose I ever
wondered what Joanne Woodward looked like as a child, but I found out when I
was suddenly confronted by these four identical little girls; beautiful, curly,
shoulder-length blonde hair; each missing several teeth. They were little
versions of their mothers: small, slender and beautiful.
Then two little
dark-haired boys came scampering by. One could see their father in
them. They were already as tall as their older sisters.
With six children, one
would expect chaos and confusion, noise and jangled nerves. But these
children barely made a sound. Two of the girls never said a word. A
third girl made a comment or two but was rather quiet.
The fourth girl
maintained a steady commentary from the time she walked in to the dining room
until everyone had found their places. She didn’t shut up until her
father fixed her with a look. He said nothing, and I didn’t even notice
her looking at him. But she suddenly quieted down then turned and winked
at her father. He tried to look grumpy, but it was obviously an effort:
Emma.
One of the wives
attempted to introduce me to the children. She said, ‘Kids, this is Ms.
Helen Gammon. Helen, these are the eGirls and eBoys.
Our boys are Ethan and Eric. Those two across the table from you are
Eddie and Edie. Eddie is the one on the left.”
Andrew butted in.
“Uh, Dee Dee, Eddie is the one on the right.”
Deirdre responded, “Well
it doesn’t really matter anyway, does it? Speak to one and you are
speaking to both of them. Am I right girls?”
Both of the little girls
across the table from me smiled at their mother and nodded their heads in
unison. They looked in each other’s eyes and started giggling.
Andrew said to the girls,
“Kids if you have something to say, you can say it to the whole group.
What do you want to say?”
The one on the right,
Edie I guess, said “No”
The one on the left,
Eddie I guess, said “Daddy”
Right said “We”
Right said “have”
Right said “to”
Right said “Do
Andrew reprimanded
them. “You know we have a rule. You can’t speak single words when
you two are talking. It’s annoying.”
Right said, “Okay Daddy”
Right said “Do it”
Right said “Is that”
Right said “want us”
Andrew looked pained. “Very funny. Complete sentences for the remainder of
the evening, if you please.”
I was amazed. I
asked him, “How do they do that?”
He shook his head.
“I don’t know. You know how identical twins are. I sometimes think
those two are telepathic.”
Emma jumped in. “What do
you think they are the rest of the time, Daddy?”
Andrew gave her what
looked to be a warning glare. “Don’t start with me, Emmy. At least you
and Elle don’t speak like circus freaks.”
Elle said “We”
Emma said “don’t”
Elle said “because”
Emma said “my”
Elle said “sister”
Emma said “is”
Elle said “a”
Emma said “pain”
Elle said “in”
Emma said “my”
Elle said “butt.”
Andrew looked
resigned. “Just lay off, will ya?”
The wives were serving
the food by this time. I was surprised to be served beautifully prepared
lamb, medium rare with some sort of glaze. Beside the meat were some
vegetable I didn’t recognize and some little muffin-like things. I didn’t
know what they were either.
Andrew saw my
confusion. He said, “Those are field peas along with some hush
puppies. This is kind of like Southern Fried rack of lamb, as it
were. When in
I smiled rather guiltily
and said, “I’m sure it will be wonderful.” My actual opinion might have
been slightly different. Actually it was wonderful. It was all
wonderful.
As I was eating, Emma
leaned in my direction and asked “Do you have a boyfriend, Miss Gammon?”
I thought that was rather
presumptuous of the little thing, but I answered honestly. “No, I’m
between boyfriends right now.”
She leaned closer and
whispered in my ear “Between girlfriends, too, I’ll bet.”
I dropped my fork I was
so shocked.
Andrew caught my
discomfort, if not the exchange. “Emmy, do what you like but don’t do it
here.”
She was the picture of
innocence when she said, “Okay, Boss.”
Things seemed to calm
down around the dinner table as the girls concentrated on eating. Andrew
had something to say, so he unceremoniously launched into a lecture. The
man is distinctly odd. I can see where the girls get it from.
“I’ve been thinking about
the solitaire game on my computer. I’m convinced that it is forcing me to
lose far more often than it used to. I did a statistical analysis of a
thousand games. I discovered that if I uncover 2 aces, the likelihood
that the next two deuces I uncover will be the other two covered suits is about
73.5%. If I uncover 3 aces, the likelihood that the next deuce I turn up
will be the remaining covered suit is 47.3%. Now that just isn’t
mathematically feasible, given a statistically large enough dataset.”
One of the wives said,
“Andrew, do you remember when we first met that you mentioned to us that
sometimes you are interested in things that other people find deadly
dull? Believe me, sweetie, this is one of those times.”
Jake said, “You play
solitaire on the computer? You sit around and play a thousand games at a
time just to analyze the suit distribution? What in the world for?”
Andrew looked
defensive. “It relaxes me!”
Jake shook his
head. “Buddy, I thought you had to be the most relaxed man in the world!”
Emma turned to one of her
brothers. She said, “That’s because he gets laid all the time.”
The brother
grimaced. He replied, ‘I know he gets laid all the time.”
Andrew said, ‘If you went
into the Kalahari and asked a bushman who Andrew Adkins was, the bushman would
say ‘that’s the guy that gets laid all the time’. Everyone in the world
seems to know about my sex life.”
A wife said, “Yes dear,
and we are all very proud.”
Andrew didn’t want to
leave the solitaire story alone. He said, “But look, I’ve uncovered an
anomaly here in my card game. It shouldn’t be working this way. I’m
winning significantly fewer times than I used to. I’ve been trying to
develop a theory about why.”
A wife said to me,
“Andrew is very good at developing theories. Some of them are actually
interesting.”
He gave her a look then
continued. “What could be causing this phenomenon?
I noticed that Emma next
to me was studiously looking at her plate. She seemed to be trying to
arrange things so that her remaining field peas were underneath the knife
situated along the side of her plate.
Andrew said, “Okay then
B) …” His eyes seemed to have a flash of recognition. “B)
Emmy! Emmy, first of all, don’t think you
can hide those peas under your knife. Just eat them and get it over
with. Secondly, you little stinker, you’ve been screwing around with my
solitaire game!”
Emma looked at him with a
very innocent expression that I was beginning to realize was an admission of
guilt. “I wouldn’t do that, Daddy. Would I?”
He said, “You just love
to torture me, don’t you?”
She gave him a little
wink and said, “But didn’t you have fun doing your analysis? I try to
give your life a little focus.”
I heard Andrew mumble under
his breath, “Focus you.”
I was still trying to get
my mind around the fact that a seven year old could rig a computer game when
the subject matter at the table changed.
One of the wives said,
“Jake, have you given any more thought to our proposal?”
Jake replied, ‘I don’t
know, Deirdre. I’m pretty happy as
I jumped in. This
Jake was pretty hunky and obviously smart as well. “What’s this about?”
The Deirdre wife said,
“We’ve asked Jake to consider handling the legal side of our business
affairs. We have some pretty large things coming down the pike and we
need to cover our bases, legally.”
I was
surprised. I asked, “What could you be doing that requires a full time
lawyer to handle?”
Andrew said, “Eddie and
Edie have a couple of developments that we’ve decided to market. If they
are as big as I think they can be, Jake would be managing the legal team. We
need someone we can really trust to be in charge. We’ll hire other
lawyers for specific functions. Our legal needs look to be pretty large.”
“Come on Jake.
It’ll be fun. Aren’t you tired of drug dealers and jaywalkers?
Wouldn’t you like to take on Microsoft and Sony?”
I know I’m just a feature
writer, but there was obviously a story here. “What have you developed
that will require you to take on Microsoft and Sony?”
Emma said, “My sisters,
the computer geeks, wrote a new operating system when they were five.
Windows sucks. Everybody knows that. UNIX isn’t bad, but still has
plenty of holes. And Apple isn’t even a player. We needed a secure
operating system so Eddie and Edie wrote their own. I thought we could
maybe sell it, so I told them what to do to make it commercially viable.”
I couldn’t believe I was
hearing this stuff from a seven year old. I asked her “How does it work?”
She looked across the
table at her sisters, almost as if she were asking for permission to speak for
them. I saw an almost imperceptible nod from one of them so Emma
continued.
“First, it is totally
secure. I attacked the thing for months without being able to break in.”
Andrew felt the need to
butt in. “Sorry, Helen, but this part is off the record. Suffice it
to say, if Emmy can’t hack it, it can’t be hacked.”
Emma continued. “Anyway, it
recognizes hardware automatically. Except for the really weird items, no
drivers are required. It will go and find any of the weird drivers and
retrieve and install them without operator intervention. We don’t need a
browser, since the operating system is a browser.”
Andrew interjected,
“There you go, Jake. Microsoft tried to include Internet Explorer in with
Windows and was sued. We’ll be sued too for having an internal
browser. That’s one of the things we have to be prepared for, though ours
is totally integral with the operating system. It’s seamless. You
can’t see where the OS ends and the browser begins.”
Emma looked at her father as if to say
‘shut the hell up’ and then went on.
“Our OS requires a
special touch-screen that my sisters developed. Most of the control
functions can be performed without keystrokes and without a pointing device,
since the touch-screen is the pointing device.”
“Since we had a
touch-screen already, we put a little scanner into one corner of the
screen. So there isn’t any sign-on procedure. Just touch the corner
with your finger and the system recognizes you and brings up your desktop
automatically. If it doesn’t recognize your fingerprint you can’t get
in.”
Jake asked, “But what if
the person is handicapped and has no fingers?”
Emma looked at him with a
degree of pity. “Please Jake. I think we know what we’re doing
here. I’m just giving you general information. We’ve covered the
obvious exceptions to the rules already. If I go into
all of the ‘what ifs’ I’ll start sounding like Daddy.”
Andrew looked
offended. “How come I get insulted around here when I’m not even in the
conversation?”
Emma said to her father,
“Don’t worry Daddy, you’re our favorite Homo sapien.” That seemed
to mollify him.
“Anyway, we built a
multi-level degree of difficulty into the user-interface. So the
operating system can be set to be used comfortably by kids, teenagers, adults,
and computer geeks. All of the options are sensitive to user- competency
levels.
Andrew interrupted.
“I think we all get the picture. We need to negotiate with a major
computer manufacturer that would be interested in making a dent into
Microsoft’s monopoly. I was thinking IBM, since they’ve been pushing a
UNIX version for a while. Someone like that.
Obviously, we need a good legal mind to spearhead this effort.”
“Jake, we’re not talking
small potatoes, here. If we can make some headway against Microsoft, the
dollars might be significant. We’re talking billions. And I can
guarantee you this OS will blow Windows away.”
Jake asked, “Can I get a
look at it?”
Finally one of the little
computer geeks spoke. “We can give you a computer pre-loaded with a
beta-version of the operating system.”
The other said, “You can take
it to work.”
The first said, “It’ll
plug into any network and be recognized.”
The other said, “You can
even make it a server if you want.”
The first said, “Without
spending a fortune for server software.”
Emma said, “This goes a
long way towards making a computer like any other appliance in your home or
office. You just plug it in and the computer does the rest. Maybe
we’ll piss off a few computer geeks who like to think they know the secrets to
the universe, but the average H. sapien should like this a lot.”
Andrew took over. “The
remaining step is to convince a manufacturer to build a computer that has only
one kind of port. At the same time we need to convince the peripheral
manufacturers to make sure their hardware uses the same type of port, a USB
port, probably. That way there will be no confusion about what to plug in
where. You can plug any device into any port. The
hell with backward compatibility.”
I was only partially sure
of what was being said, but I knew enough to recognize a big story in the
making, assuming any of this were true. I said,
“You said there were a couple of things you have to market. What’s the
other one?”
Andrew answered, “You’ll
see the other later tonight. It’s being demo’ed
in our den in about a half an hour.”
Well seeing the second
product will give me a clue as to the value of the first product, I
suppose.
I turned to Emma and
said, ‘I know what Eddie and Edie do. I understand that Elle is a
financier. But what do you plan to do with your life?”
She said, “I’m going to
be President of the
I laughed. “Well
that’s a pretty big goal for a little girl.”
Andrew kind of
snickered. “Not for that little girl”, he said.
Emma smiled at him.
“I could be president by the next election if I figure out how to change the
age restriction. The Republicans think that they are the only ones who
can rig those touch-screen voting machines. They’re in for a surprise.”
I was shocked. What
was this about rigging voting machines?
One of the wives put an
end to the topic. “Emma, you know we never talk politics at dinner.”
Emma said, “Or in
bed. Did you forget that one?”
Andrew had had enough of
Emma for a while. “Well, that about wraps up dinner.
What say we have popcorn and juice along with the movie, instead of dessert?”
A Movie
Jake and I moved to the
den while Andrew and his wives cleared off the table. The eKids were
obviously required to do their part in the cleanup as well.
Jake and I sat on one of
the couches in the den. The den was obviously set up to handle lots of
people. This is a big family. Jake and I hadn’t exchanged two words
since we met. But I was certainly interested in talking to him.
“Are you considering the
Adkins’ offer to be their legal director?”
He replied, “I don’t
know. They are offering about four times what I currently make. But
I’ve always wanted to be the ‘crusading prosecutor’. I’ll admit the
reality of it doesn’t quite live up to the image I had in my mind. But I
like it. I’m doing something important.”
I said, “On the other
hand, this sounds pretty important too. It will be a big challenge, and
the potential seems incredible.”
He agreed. ‘Yeah,
it is a pretty exciting opportunity. Besides which, the next lie that
Drew tells will be his first. I’d trust these people with my life.”
The man’s Southern accent
was most attractive. He seems sincere and talented. I suspect that
honesty goes both ways. The Adkins’ wouldn’t be making the offer if they
didn’t feel the same way about him. I felt I had to know something
important about him.
“How does your wife feel
about all this?” I hoped I wasn’t being obvious.
He smiled. “I have
no wife, I’m afraid. Right now the only person I have to worry about is
me.”
That was nice. I
asked him, “Is there going to be a lot of travel involved? It sounds like
there will be some negotiating going on.”
He said, “Drew tells me
we can do most of the negotiating through teleconferencing. Obviously I
would have to make some trips to
I said, “You sound like
you might be leaning towards accepting their offer.”
He wasn’t ready to go
that far. ‘Well, let’s see what it is they have. That will help me
decide.”
The Adkins family began
to drift into the room by then. Andrew came in and opened a door in one
wall. I realized I was looking at the largest flat screen TV I had ever
seen. It must have cost a fortune. I guess these people have money.
Eventually everyone got
settled. Donnie and Deirdre were on one couch, each with a little boy on
her lap, each child sucking his thumb. Andrew was in a recliner with a
little girl riding each knee. Another little girl climbed up on Jake’s
lap. It was obvious he had been here before.
I looked around for the
remaining little girl, thinking she might want to sit on my lap, but she was
nowhere to be found.
The TV came on and a
movie started. I expected, perhaps a Walt Disney children’s movie.
Instead an old movie from the ‘60s was playing. It starred Paul Newman
and Joanne Woodward. It was called “A New Kind of
Joanne Woodward played a
dowdy fashion designer sent to
One by one the children
had climbed down and now were all lying on the floor watching the movie.
I still wondered where the last little girl was.
Midway through the film,
Joanne Woodward was transformed into this lovely thing through makeup, clothes,
and a new wig. It was then that I saw how much Deirdre and Donnie looked
like her. I was watching the scene unfold in front of me in the den, as
Andrew seemed to have a difficult time concentrating on the movie. His
eyes kept drifting toward his wives.
They pretended to be
oblivious, but I could tell they were both acutely aware of his
attention. Both women changed position on the couch, and as they did,
their skirts seemed to slide up a little. Andrew seemed mesmerized by the
amount of leg being shown by each. This man is in serious lust. He might
be as sexy as everyone thinks.
Andrew took a quick trip
to the kitchen, and suddenly there was popcorn and fruit juice for
everyone. The man is very domestic. I’m impressed.
The movie was winding
towards its conclusion. There was a bedroom scene in which Joanne
Woodward was dressed in a sexy negligee, with the intent of seducing Paul
Newman.
Just as it was getting to
the good part, Joanne turned toward the camera. She seemed to be looking
directly at Andrew.
Then she said, “What do
you think, Daddy? Am I doing okay?”
Jake dropped his glass of
juice on the floor. I felt like we were in the twilight zone.
Andrew smiled and said,
“Not bad, honey. I certainly prefer this movie to the last one you
did.” He looked at Jake and me. “
The Joanne Woodward
figure turned to Jake and me. It said, “This is what we call VV – Virtual
Video. All of the main characters have been digitized. We have virtual
helmets that you can wear that allow you to become one of the characters.
I wanted to be Joanne Woodward, because Daddy has the hots for Joanne
Woodward.”
Andrew looked
cross. “Don’t start with me, Emmy.”
Joanne Woodward just
smiled and blew him a kiss. To add to the surreally of it all, Paul
Newman looked at Joanne and said, “What’s the matter, did you forget your
lines?”
Joanne turned to Paul and
said, “Shut Up!” He sat on the bed and gave his trademark insouciant
smile.
Joanne (Emma) turned back
to Jake and me. “The script is displayed right in front of your
eyes. We can do it in seven languages right now (because that’s all we
know), but when we are ready to market it, we’ll have every major language
available.”
“We can deviate from the
script a little bit, but right now the other actors can’t follow a major change
unless they are virtual actors too. And we can use the actor’s voice, or
we can use our own voice.” All of a sudden, Emma’s tiny voice was coming
out of Joanne’s mouth and then the figure morphed into the image of Emma.
This was truly weird.
“We even have ‘help’
available. It can be acting help or criticism. Would you like to
see it?”
Both Jake and I nodded
our heads. I have no idea where Emma was located, but she must have seen
us.
Emma said, “We’ve
programmed several levels of possible help. This is the ‘Daddy
Paul Newman slowly
morphed into the figure of Andrew Adkins and back into Paul Newman. He
began talking.
“Emmy, that was very
good. But you should learn to put more feeling into the scene.
Picture what you want to do before you do it. And open up with your
feelings. A)
Andrew said, ‘Enough
already! We get the joke.”
Joanne had a slight smile
on her face and said, “We also have a ‘Daddy Driver’ help mode.”
Suddenly Paul Newman
stood and began yelling. “What the hell is the matter with you? You
fucking idiot!”
All of the children were
giggling and even the wives were laughing.
Andrew said, “I think
everyone gets the point.
One of the wives looked
at us. “Donnie and I have been very concerned about the direction taken
by entertainment in the last couple of decades. It seems to us that children
spend most of their time looking at some kind of screen: a computer monitor, a
television, a video game. This generation has become watchers instead of
doers. I asked Emmy to come up with a way that they could become a part
of the action. And this is it.”
Both Jake and I were
stunned. This was the most amazing technology I had ever seen, and it was
developed by seven year olds. I heard Jake mutter, “Maybe I should be
considering this offer more seriously.”
Emma came skipping into the
room, reminding me of how very young she is. She jumped into Andrew’s lap
and gave him a big hug. He was tickling her and she was laughing.
It was all so very domestic for an exchange between a genius and a
super-genius.
Emma said, “Jake, when we
go public with the new operating system, I want to have a contest to prove how
good it is. We’ll set up a system with a known IP address then offer a
million dollars to anyone who can hack into it. We’ll have every geek on
the planet fighting for the chance.”
“My geeky sisters set up
fire walls a couple of years ago to keep the government out of our
database. They left a little something behind the last firewall to reward
anyone who was able to break through, though no one did. You see, our
database wasn’t even on that computer.”
“So I did the same thing
with this one. In addition to a million dollars, anyone who breaks into
our operating system will get this.”
Emma clicked on the
remote control and suddenly there was displayed a virtually life-sized picture
of Donnie and Deirdre, asleep and naked in each other’s arms. I
gasped. Jake gasped. It was the sexiest picture I’ve ever seen.
One of the wives let out
a little scream. “Andrew! You promised that picture would be
hidden.”
Andrew tried to sound
sorry, but he was looking at the picture at least as diligently as Jake and
me. “Dee Dee, you know if Emma wants to get
into something, nothing I can do will stop her. Besides, this is high
art. It’s the best picture I’ve ever taken.”
Deirdre’s and Donnie’s
faces were crimson. But I had to put in my two cents.
“Really, Andrew is
right. This is a beautiful picture. Please consider letting me show
it to the editors at Cosmo. I feel sure they would want to use it
for the cover. At the very least it would be put at the top of my
story. It’s an amazing picture.”
The girls were looking
daggers at Andrew. He looked innocent. Having met Emma, Andrew may
well have been innocent. I was wondering if tonight might be one of
Andrew’s rare off nights.
Finally one of the wives
said, ‘Time for bed, children.” There were a few grumbles, but I saw that
most of them had been rubbing their eyes. The girls and boys took off up
the stairs, all except for Emma.
She looked at Jake and then
she looked at me. I felt Jake’s eyes on me. I looked into his eyes,
and I suddenly wanted him. He is very sexy. I don’t know what got
into me, but I was hot! I heard Emma giggle, and saw her run for the
stairs. She turned and looked at us one more time, and then went up to
bed.
I expected there to be
recriminations between Andrew and his wives, but when I looked up Andrew had an
arm around each one, and they were both snuggled into his neck, hugging
him. I guess anger doesn’t stand much of a chance around here.
Andrew turned to us, both
wives in his arms. He said, “Good night kids. It’s definitely past
our bedtime. Feel free to stay up as long as you like. The TV has
cable if you want to watch. We usually eat breakfast about
And then the three of
them went up the stairs, still holding each other. My God, I just
realized that Andrew just assumed that Jake was going to spend the night.
With Me!
I looked at Jake.
He appeared to be uncomfortable with the situation. He said, “Uh, Helen,
I sure didn’t put Andrew up to anything, and I don’t expect anything to develop
tonight, so to speak.”
I just walked over to him
and took his hand. I said, “Oh, the hell with it”, and pulled him into
the bedroom.
Jake’s Story
I must be the luckiest
guy on earth; well, maybe the second luckiest. I’m being taken to bed by
the third most beautiful woman in
But Helen is a definite
lottery pick. And tonight she’s mine. I’ve just got to keep hanging
around Drew.
We were in the ‘Get
Andrew
Helen pulled me into the
room and closed the door behind us. She turned to me and we instantly
embraced.
I don’t know how it
happened. I had been sitting there after the movie just looking at her
when I was overcome with lust for her. I guess the same thing happened to
her.
We were in major
lust. My lips devoured hers as her slender body crushed itself against
mine. Our tongues were dueling, barely touching; teasing each
other. I was hard as a rock. Damn was I turned on!
She was wearing a dress
that buttoned down the front. I like that kind. As I slowly
unbuttoned her, the dress fell away from those gorgeous shoulders.
I love soft round
shoulders on a woman. Drew tells me it is because it makes them look like
an ass. Well maybe, but he’s got other crazy ideas too, so I don’t put
much stock in this particular notion.
Helen has ‘grade A’
shoulders, is all I can say. I kissed down her long lovely neck and then
started attacking her shoulders. I’m a shoulder man, I guess.
I kept unbuttoning that
dress and finally it fell to the floor. She stood before me in her glory,
with just a bra, panties, a garter belt and stockings. She sure as hell
looks like she came ready to fuck.
Next to come off was her
bra. She has small but beautiful breasts. I know guys that need
huge breasts to make them happy. I just don’t see it myself. Any
breasts will do as far as I’m concerned. Her breasts may be small, but
her nipples were ready for the major leagues. They stuck out like erasers,
hard and rubbery, just longing for my tongue.
I picked her up and
carried her to the huge four-poster that serves as Drew’s private
brothel. She’s as light as a feather.
Helen wasn’t content to let me take over. As soon as she reached the bed
she also reached for my pants. She was in a hurry to see what was in
there, I guess. I’m proud to say, I’ve got nothing to be ashamed
of.
I helped her and my pants
dropped to the floor along with my boxer shorts. Her eyes widened in appreciation
of what I had to give her. Yeah, I’ll give it to her all right.
But not quite yet. Hers is the kind
of body that you want to devour. If an old country boy like me gets a
shot at a body like that, there is nothing to do but worship it. And worship
it I did, let me tell you.
I spent a long time
making love to those lovely shoulders, but finally worked my way down to those
beautiful tits. I love responsive nipples on a woman. And hers are
way up there on my list. I sucked a nipple in to my mouth and I think she
almost climaxed right there.
She had started moaning
by the time I reached her tits. Her body was pressing up into mine,
trying to find contact points. I let my hand wander down to the junction
between her legs.
I read somewhere that
women shave their pussies because it feels good when someone goes down on
them. Well damn, I can take a hint. I’ve always called it muff-divin’ myself, but there wasn’t no muff to dive into, if
you catch my drift. She was bald as a baby’s butt.
I slipped off her
stockings then licked her thigh from her knee all the way up. I switched
legs and did the same thing. She was watching me, and I could see by the
way her ass was moving around the bed that she was hot for me.
I played with her a
little bit, you know; just letting her know that I was there without actually
licking anything important. But finally I took pity on her. Well
actually I really wanted to taste her cunt. So I let my tongue run right
up the center of her pussy lips.
She groaned out loud as
my tongue massaged her lips. I worked my way up to her clit, which was standing
out, just waiting for attention. Yeah, I’ll give that little button all
the attention it can handle.
But first my tongue
plunged into her pussy. She screamed and her legs tightened around my
ears. I realized she had gone over the edge the first time something went
into her cunt. That’s the kind of woman I’m talkin’ about.
Well, hell, I was just
starting to warm her up some. She was wet as the blazes by the time she
started coming down. So I stuck a finger right in there and let her start
to take off again.
Sucking her clit between
my lips, I started to ride her good with both my finger and my tongue.
Damn, the woman’s screams like to raise the dead. She was cumming like a
fire engine, panting and swearing. The woman was hot, and I hadn’t even dicked her yet.
It was time to solve that
problem. My dick felt like iron, and I wanted to pump a little
iron.
I moved up to hold
her. We kissed and cuddled a little bit. I wanted to give her some
recovery time before I put her over the top again. I’m a gentleman from
My plan was to slide it
on in there and let her have it. But all of a sudden this
But that wasn’t what I
wanted right now. I wanted to fuck her. Just as I was about to tell
her so, she stopped.
She looked me in the eye
and said, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’ll finish you off that way later.
Right now, I need this beautiful thing inside me.”
Now that’s what I’m
talkin’ about. She kept hold of my dick and climbed right on top. She
rubbed the head of my dick across her crack, the same damn place my mouth had
been ten minutes ago.
She looked me straight in
the eye and then plunged down on my dick. Hot damn, that was one tight
cunt! She was moaning and humping on my dick like a crazed cowgirl.
Her eyes were closed as
she slammed herself on to me. When she reached bottom she ground herself
against me. Damn the woman can fuck as well as she can suck!
Then she started getting
vocal. “Oh yeah. Oh GOD! Yes.
Yes! Fuck me, big boy. Make me cum. GOD! Fuck me. Fuck
ME. FUCK ME!!”
She was taking me with
her with her dirty talkin’. I could feel myself growing bigger, swelling
up right inside that warm soft cunt of hers.
Her eyes were still
closed. We were both almost there. And then I went over the top and
started pumping cum into that pussy for all I’m worth.
That put her over
too. She started to scream her climax. “FUCK! FUCK
ME! YES! OH GOD! FUCK ME ANDREW!!!”
Andrew?! Well shit!