Chapter Forty-One

I just ate 6 cans of alphabet soup and just took the biggest vowel movement ever

“I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I awoke pretty much the way I have every morning since the first one here at the Buckman. I stretched myself awake and then allowed myself to wonder if this has all just been a dream. A dirty, twisted, perverted dream, that I can wake up from and I’ll be back in my old house in Cherry Lawn Estates.

It wasn’t a dream of course. I was naked and my body was sore from spankings, hard work and sleeping on the floor.

My tits were fully engorged from the black rubber-band that had been left on them the night before and my nipples were puffy and sensitive. My pussy was dripping wet already when I awoke, as if it had been percolating at night during my dreams. Dreams I could not remember; except to say they had been twisted and perverted, but perhaps not so much as my real life.

This particular morning was more chaotic than most. I was jarred awake by the sound of a closet door crashing down in another room and the shouting of “He did it!” and “No, I didn’t! You did it!”

The sun was already poking through the dirty trailer windows. I looked up, half expecting to see Ding-Dong’s smiling face in the window he had been looking through when I went to bed.

There was already activity in the kitchen as Daisy and Ted scarfed down breakfast and talked, while Daisy’s kids ran amok in the house and giggled. They were now fully empowered to run the length of the trailer and had no qualms about staring or even poking at our nudity whenever they ran by one of us.

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that,” Maw-Maw on the couch was eating a ham on scrambled eggs sandwich and it was dripping down her jowls, as she quoted a line I was sure was from Alice in Wonderland.

Savannah punched my brother hard in the chest as she rolled over. He had been spooning her, “Get your cock out of the crack of my ass you little fucking pervert!” she blurted out as she nailed my brother in the chest. He was wearing blue Star Trek fluffy pajamas, but they had done nothing to hide the bulge of his erection when he rolled over.

Daisy’s kids laughed at the scene and flitted around the kitchen like wild moths around a flickering flame in the wind. Nelly Jr. was sitting at the table eating like he had some place to be and no time to get there – ignoring the rest of the chaos.

I just wanted to stay wrapped up in this warm comforter. It felt so good and I screwed myself up into the blanket, as if it were protection from all the chaos around me.

That is until I realized it wasn’t a comforter at all but my cousin’s strong arms wrapped around me. Lloyd and I were lying together so that my head was on his chest and our legs were wrapped together so comfortably that I felt very guilty as soon I realized it. He wasn’t hard and he stretched as if he didn’t mind I had been snuggled up with him all night.

I did not say anything to Lloyd but I was completely mortified I had been grinding my butt against him. He said nothing about it and acted like it was completely normal and not sexual at all – so I quietly filed those feelings away for later analysis. The haze of the morning was clouding my panicked thoughts of guilt and I was still getting my bearings.

“You love birds come and join your mother for breakfast,” Ted mocked us as if we were the lazy ones. He told us graciously we could put the butt plugs in after breakfast if we hurry; and tried to inspire us that today was a ‘New day! Big day! Money-making day.’

Daisy cooed that Ted’s announcement sounded like Senior when he talked like that and Ted smiled at his sister’s compliment.

I had no idea what Senior sounded like but if it was anything like Ted – then he sounded like a pretentious asshole.

Two weeks ago I would never have allowed myself to even think such a thought about anyone. I have really changed in the past week at the Buckman and I was realizing it as I submitted to my Uncle’s authority without complaint.

Imagine if two weeks ago someone had told me that I would be sleeping in the nude, tangled up on the floor in a trailer with a boy – even if he was my cousin? I would have told them I would never do that and that I’d call the law or run away from a situation where I was required to do it.

I had laid down with my cousins and slept the way I had been told but I could have got up at any time last night and ran away if I was really doing this against my will. I kind of wish I was – at least then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about agreeing to do it.

I unraveled myself from Lloyd with some difficulty and once I stood up I saw where my Aunt was having breakfast. She looked up at us, as if to apologize, from the kitchen floor beneath Ted’s feet.

She was on her knees on the cold linoleum floor with her hands wrist-tied behind her. Her ass was facing up at Ted and there was a white ceramic bowl with the phrase “Wurld’s Gretast Mom!” misspelled on it – a handmade gift from Lloyd.

“You made this for Mother’s day,” Ted told Lloyd “I thought we’d put it to good use. When did you make it again?”

“Last year, Sir” Lloyd didn’t sound amused. My cousin didn’t look humiliated or intimidated the way I thought I often did. He looked more like he was unsure if Ted was going to break the gift he made for his mother. Lloyd was doing this less for the money and more as a goof and I felt he might just reach over and beat the crap out of Ted if he pushed him too far.

Ted was an adult but Lloyd was buff and athletic – he would take down my Uncle if it came down to it.

“Well son,” Ted sounded like he was being generous as he produced three Tupperware bowls he had customized for us. “I didn’t have the Buckman High kiln at my disposal but I did have this sharpie!”

Lloyd’s face changed from apprehensive to his usual goofy smirk. If there was a problem that had concerned Lloyd it had passed.

Ted insisted Lloyd write the same thing on his mother’s ass before joining him for breakfast. Crystal nodded quietly at Lloyd that it was okay and didn’t seem to have her normal grit and fire about her.

“Really?” Lloyd ask dumbfounded that he was being told to do this.

“Really SIR!” Ted corrected him.

“You don’t have to call me Sir,” Lloyd explained with a goofy expression “I have to call you Sir!”

“I know that!” Ted said, frustrated at his step-sons obtuse but goofy response. He thought better of trying to explain he was trying to tell him to call him Sir. “Just write the fucking words!”

Lloyd waited for his mother to protest or complain in her sassy way but she didn’t. She put up no resistance of any kind. She continued to swallow her food and eat beneath Ted’s feet. In a way, she reminded me of a cow that was chewing its cud and blissfully unaware it was about to be milked this morning.

Ted handed the sharpie to Lloyd and told him how to spell “World’s Greatest”. He had Lloyd write “M” in large letters on the left cheek and another “M” just as big on the right cheek. Ted held Crystal’s ass cheeks apart and said “I already did the O for ‘Mom’ for you.”

There was a big red ring painted around my Aunt’s asshole to complete the word Mom.

That was such a sarcastic burn – it was clearly intended to humiliate my Aunt and make fun of her as a mother. Crystal was a lot of things and would admit to almost all of them but I thought surely this was the lowest blow anyone could say about her.

Ted and Daisy laughed and so did her kids, but the rest of us were stunned. Crystal looked defeated and bleary-eyed and returned to eating the mush that was in her bowl with just her face.

“You like that – World’s Greatest Mom?” Ted asked Crystal sadistically.

“Yes Sir,” Crystal answered graciously after swallowing all the food in her mouth. She had never been one to let a mouth full of food prevent her from speaking her mind “Thank you! That was a very nice reminder of where I stand.”

She should have been livid with the insult written on her ass and the giggling while everyone ate over her – but she seemed complacent and accepting of the way things were.

I wondered if I did that? I have had so many humiliating experiences in the last week and have been so consistently shocked that it might seem I am growing numb or accustomed to these experiences and in some cases I was! I had expected to wake up and eat breakfast without any clothes this morning.

My Aunt on the other hand had been feisty and smart-assed even last night when she chased my brother around the yard just to show him he wasn’t really the boss of anything. This morning – maybe she was hung-over or something but she looked completely willing to do anything and everything she was told and happily.

“You three little brats get on your hands and knees if you want something to eat. We need to get you in the right mind-set. I fucked Crystal good enough to make her want to wash my clothes by banging them against a rock next to a country-stream – didn’t I dear?”

“Yes sir,” Crystal sounded completely tamed and submissive and assured him, “you did do that.”

“Oh my Gawd,” Savannah crowed in disbelief at her mother’s mewling and willingness to sit at her step-father’s feet. He reached around and smacked her ass and told her she’d lose top-bitch if she didn’t get on her knees right now. “You get the best food of any of you bitches!”

He added milk to a pink plastic bowl of generic brand Sugar Smacks that had the words “Top Bitch!!” on it and set it right next to her mother saying this would be the bowl for whoever is top bitch at meal times.

She rolled her eyes and got on her knees and had to be reminded by Ted to get her hands behind her back. Ted told Conner to tie her wrists together and he dutifully obeyed by using a plastic tie to secure her hands behind her back.

“Son,” Ted introduced Lloyd’s bowl made of light blue plastic with the words “World’s Greatest Son” on it. He added milk and set it down next to Savannah saying “Line up your asses where I can watch you eat – we are on a schedule to get to the pool! Busy day!” he tapped his green loose-leaf notebook to indicate there were more changes coming.

Lloyd did as he was told and even smirked a little as he bumped Savannah’s ass playfully. He didn’t have to be told to put his hands behind his back and Conner tied him up the same as he had Savannah.

“Ellen Tinkle,” Ted regarded me last. “I had to think about you carefully,” he explained with a chuckle. “If your parents do come back after all – I am not sure I want them seeing what I REALLY think about you.”

I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that.

He showed me the yellow Tupperware bowl that he had written what he was willing to say he thought about me: “I take big stinky shits”.

I definitely was SURE I did not like the sound of that – especially followed by explosive laughter from Daisy and her kids.

There was no question they were not-so subtle insults. Crystal surprisingly accepted hers without question, Lloyd seemed oblivious to his and even seemed to think it was a joke.

The caption on my bowl though was flat-out devastating to my ego without comparison.

I had to EAT from this bowl in front of everyone and as soon as Ted produced it there was laughter from everyone – including Crystal, Maw-Maw, my cousins and Nelly Jr.

I didn’t see if Conner laughed, because I was already on my knees to put my nose up to the food dish and he was securing my hands behind my back while we ate. I hoped he didn’t – I hoped he knew this was intensely embarrassing for us or at least me, even if I put on a brave face.

Savannah was defiantly eating her food with an attitude that straddled the line between defiantly showing it didn’t bother her and a smart-aleck “Okay – we’ll see where this goes”.

Her brother was chowing down with a goofy grin as if he were racing his mother and sister.

Crystal submissively ate without a word of defiance and of the three reactions – this one confused me most.

The smell of my food hit me as sickly-sour and fishy. I wasn’t sure what was in it but it tasted like every left-over that had been in the fridge from mash-potatoes to golden corn pop cereal. I didn’t see them but I was positive I tasted mashed-up beanie-weenies in the slop I had been given. It wasn’t so disgusting I could not eat – but it was not pleasant and certainly not something I wanted to eat in the morning. I knew that this was the only meal I would get until I was hand-fed at lunch and forced myself to accept the food.

“Sorry,” Ted wasn't really apologizing in his mocking tone “I wish I had some clitorade to serve you this morning like you probably had your butler bring you in Cherry Lawn Estates.”

Ted was joking that I drank a type of Gatorade for breakfast and that I had a butler. His insults didn't hit their mark but they didn't have too – I was already red-faced and intensely embarrassed from just having to kneel with my ass up underneath the table.

My Aunt’s cooking had always been off-brand Hamburger Helper and generic food that was greasy or unappetizing compared to what I was used to at my old house but this was just plain nasty.

“You aren’t allowed to take pleasure in your food UNLESS I say so – this way you will appreciate it when you get to eat dinner at a nice restaurant like you did last night!” Ted explained while drawing on Lloyd’s ass “World’s greatest Son” the same way that it appeared on Crystal’s ass except the S was on the left cheek and the N was on the other cheek.

“Conner,” Ted instructed my brother to come draw a red 0 around Lloyd’s asshole the way he had Crystal and then he could eat as well.

“Why should I?” Conner stood up to Ted and there was quiet silence. I had already begun eating the disgusting milky-food that had been prepared in a bowl – my very willingness to do so a symbol I agreed with the statement on the outside of the bowl; when everyone stopped what they were doing, stunned by my brother’s stoically calm protest.

There was a long pause and I couldn’t see what was happening but I imagine Ted was staring my brother down. Conner’s voice was uncertain and shaky and he must have felt he had to clarify his question in the awkward pause that followed “You are going to give my money to Daisy – why won’t she do it?”

“Sweety,” Daisy didn’t mean sweety at all – there were knives behind her sugar coated words. “I would Conner, but I am already eating. I don’t want to take your money, but that is all my kids and I have to live on – do you understand that this is the way it has to be, sugar?”

“Your fulsome justification for extricating me from my place and profits is a fallacy. We operated just fine without your presence yesterday and I don’t see any benefit in you taking money from me for your needs,” Conner was uncharacteristically bold and I think he masked his nervousness by using grandiloquent words when simpler ones would do.

“What the fuck does fulsome mean?” Daisy sneered at him with contempt. I almost smiled at my brother’s choice of fancy words. I imagined him dueling her in a battle of wits and choosing ‘fancy words’ as his weapons in a contest of wills.

Maw-Maw was pounding down another slice of grilled ham with an egg on it when she explained with a pleased look that someone else had as extensive vocabulary, “Fulsome means to be complimentary or flattering to an excessive or even offensive degree and of large size or quantity- generous or abundant.”

“NERD!” Daisy’s daughter Sarah declared my brother an egg-head extraordinaire.

“Nerd?” Conner said with increased confidence “I prefer the term intellectual bad-ass.”

“Oh no fair!” I thought to myself. I was trying to choke down my food and keep a straight face and my brother chooses to stand up for himself and crack jokes NOW? I almost laughed out loud – almost!

If this situation couldn’t get any more surreal and absurd. I should probably have been in tears that I was groveling on the floor eating naked in front of Daisy’s twisted kids with my tits pressed to the tile. I was not in part because My Aunt and cousins were doing it right next to me but also because Conner’s defiance was making me giggle.

“Well,” Daisy answered him condescendingly, “would you explain what the other words you said after fulsome meant because I wasn’t listening, and if you keep flapping your gums you won’t have any breakfast, sweety-cakes.”

“Have some fucking ham,” Ted set a plate at the table for my brother and told Daisy, “You write the fucking O – god-damn, it was just a fucking joke. You people need to lighten the fuck up. We are a team in this thing and it’s my job to motivate and manage you motherfuckers.”

Daisy laughed at her brother but she didn’t get up to do what Ted told her to do. I wasn’t sure if she was lazy or just assumed he didn’t mean right this moment. My observations about Ted was that he meant do it right now.

My instinct is to follow VALID rules and when Daisy ignored one – it actually made me perturbed with her. I don’t wish anything humiliating on Lloyd but at the same time I found myself annoyed she didn’t just get it over with already – was she just lazy?

“I told you both last night that I would think of a bet when we get a decent crowd at the car-wash. If these pussies want Conner to get his 5%, they’ll have a chance to win it for him, and I’ll give you HALF of what I am making off this,” Ted explained to his sister.

“It isn’t worth it to fucking sit here and ruin a perfectly wonderful breakfast when I should be laughing my ass off at how fast Savannah downed that fucking cereal!” He acted generous by scraping some more cereal from his bowl into hers as if this was some great reward for being ‘Top Bitch’.

A few days earlier she could have eaten as much cereal as she wanted – then again, we didn’t have the money to buy new cereal.

Just like that, my brother didn’t stand up for himself again during breakfast. I couldn’t see his face, because I was under the table on my knees, but he was quiet. I suppose it’s hard to sound confident when you are wearing blue Star Trek footie pajamas and a room full of adults seems to be in agreement on the other side of the argument.

“I can see if any of you rip a fart down there when your assholes pucker,” Ted teased us while he finished his food, but for the most part we heard them eat heartily, belch and laugh. I tried to finish all of my food but it was truly disgusting. I knew this was all I was getting until the afternoon.

“Junior might be watching from his trailer and I think Donger is in the fucking window already,” Ted sounded like he was trying to inspire us to put on a good show around the house. “You bitches are the talk of the neighborhood!”

Ted read out loud a letter that he claimed had been given to him as a suggestion.

We had to listen to him read it with our asses up, hands behind backs, chest and face pointed to the ground. It was humiliating, painful and just plain disgusting and yet – strangely I felt like this was just how it was now. I didn’t question what we were doing because the others accepted it and didn’t rebel.

If they weren’t going to rebel when he made us kneel and eat out of dishes –when would they?

Savannah quipped that she was surprised the letter wasn’t a collection notice, but Ted’s grand sense of self wouldn’t let him even acknowledge her at that moment.

Dear Ted,

I have watched with interest what you are doing at the pool with that slut Crystal and her nasty daughter. I have many times rode past their yard and saw her sunbathing in the yard and even though they had bikini tops untied they did not flash me! They could have but they just laughed at me when I whistled for them. Thank you and God bless you for teaching them to stop teasing and start pleasing.

The actual letter was handwritten and rife with spelling errors that made it difficult at times for Ted to understand.

“Who wrote that, Sir?” Savannah asked derisively, “Probably Boogie.”

Ted puffed himself and denied it was Boogie who wrote it, but wouldn’t actually say the name of the person. Savannah nodded to herself quietly that it was “Probably Boogie.”

Ted told us there was another letter in the suggestion box. We didn’t believe him because it sounded very unlikely to us. “I am surprised so many people here even know how to write,” Conner expressed disbelief.

He drew back quiet from Ted and Daisy, but Maw-Maw harrumphed at his attempt at a joke.

Ted explained that there was a sign, up at the car-wash, saying to drop off suggestions. “I talked to O.J. last night when he dropped by and he dropped these off,” Ted kicked Crystal in the ass, “You remember when O.J. stopped by don’t you baby?”

“Yes Sir, I do,” Crystal answered him sweetly, “I am finished with my food – may I have some more, please Sir?”

“No,” Ted answered her without a second thought. He had sounded harsh and abrupt, but he wanted to read his letter.

“I don’t want you getting a fat-ass, you got legs like Betty fucking Grable that lead right up to the sweetest pussy I’ve ever tasted,” Ted made an animalistic sound like he was growling and biting into some raw meat to clarify his initial rejection of her request.

Crystal didn’t say any more.

“I don’t want to spoil the fucking surprise when we get to the pool but you bitches keep pressing me for why this and why that,” Ted reminded his sister to write on Lloyd’s ass like he told her, and she said she would before we left for the pool as soon as she finished her breakfast.

“I just don’t want to write it in front of my kids,” she didn’t explain why seeing us like this was fine as long as they didn’t see her write in marker on my brother’s butt. She changed the subject by kicking my Aunt in her rear playfully and wishing “those big fake jugs of yours gave milk. It would save me a fortune on Enfamil”.

She rose to feed her baby when she couldn’t take his screams any longer.

“You get Enfamil free from WIC,” Ted corrected her.

“Yeah,” she agreed as she mixed up a bottle for her baby. “But I could sell that down at the pool to all the poor single moms who have way too many kids and then Mrs. Angry tits here could use those two thousand dollar tits she bought to feed Dumpling instead of just to flash around the pool!”

Daisy went on to imply that Crystal had spent her money unwisely on something for her own vanity but did not acknowledge how poorly her and her husband spent money. I bit my tongue and said nothing about her laziness and her unwillingness to do the jobs Ted gave her – but I was debating whether it would be worth it to get in trouble for calling her out for a double standard.

I assumed Crystal would not let that go – but I was wrong. My Aunt ate and I saw a trace of a happy smile on her face as she nodded in agreement.

Ted didn’t acknowledge her other than to ask “Why did you call Crystal angry tits?”

“If you look at her tan-lines, the meat around the boobs look like the whites of her eyes and her nipples are like the pupils. The angle makes it look like they are on an angry face!” Daisy explained as if it should have been obvious.

“I never noticed that before,” Ted was intrigued and ordered Crystal to stand up so he could see for himself before agreeing “Yeah they do look like a face,” He drew a line on Crystal’s belly, where her pierced belly-button jewelry hung down, so it was like an angry mouth.

“Are those diamonds and silver hanging down from her belly?” Daisy appraised my Aunt’s body jewelry.

“I believe that is a Cuban zirconia isn’t it, honey?” Ted asked of my Aunt adding, “Given to you by the same Cuban you suckered into paying for your boob job?”

“I had two breast enlargements Sir,” if My Aunt was acting the part of the submissive – she was doing an even better job than she did the day before. I was curious what had happened last night that put her in this mental state as she answered “The Cuban paid for one and Daisy is right – I probably should have put that money aside so we wouldn’t be in this situation – money wise, Sir.”

“You cannot help it,” Ted sounded understanding, but added, “Because you are a dumb greedy bitch aren’t you?”

“Yes sir, I am,” Crystal stood there and admitted in front of everyone else – most of whom were giggling.

“Even your belly ring is fake,” Daisy said disgustedly. “We could have sold it down at the pool for some money to put some clothes on your backs and a roof over your head.”

“Yes Ma’am, we could have,” Crystal sounded hypnotized, and gone was the very subtle sassy-assy quality that lined her most submissive of performances. She usually had this “I am going to do this naughty thing for your amusement and you are going to like it but I really hold all the cards,” quality to her voice when she was at the pool but I didn’t detect it at all.

“We ought to sell that VCR,” Daisy was looking around the trailer for things of value to sell out of my Aunt’s trailer as if it were now hers to do with as she pleased. I started to think of Daisy as the Queen of Hearts directly from Alice in Wonderland and Ted her King.

“You won’t touch that VCR,” Maw-Maw instructed and Daisy dropped the matter.

“Can we sell this stereo? You have the boom-box and I never see you use it,” Daisy moved over to an old component stereo that had an integrated record player, cassette player and even played 8-track tapes.

“That used to belong to O.J. I think,” Maw-Maw laughed without putting up any protest over it.

Crystal said nothing and had no opinion nor was she even asked if it was okay to sell her stereo. Ted told Conner or Daisy to make sure it got in the golf-cart and wanted to get to the second letter.

He insisted Crystal continue to stand with her hands tied behind her back while we finish eating. He told us we had five minutes or be shaving AT the pool. “You are superstars now – you probably have a waiting audience, but I want you hairless and clean to put on a good show!”

Then Ted proceeded to leisurely read the second letter he had. I believe he embellished it for his own self-aggrandizement as he read aloud, but this is my closest guess to what the letter said. It was a bit of a ramble and hard to follow but it went like this;

Dearest Ted,

I have followed with interest the goings on at the recreation center the last few days. I am not one to gossip or spread rumors and I do not like to listen to people who do but we have been hearing so much about the good things you are doing with the Danville girls to correct their attitudes.

I have talked about what we heard is going on with all the women on my street and we all agree that women who gossip are almost as bad as Crystal and her daughter.

I have known Crystal for many years but stopped talking to her after she took my husband from me. I never liked her from that moment on. I feel her hussy of a daughter is on the same path as her and I hear she has a niece or another daughter (probably by someone else) that is also in need of a severe correction.

I do not know what Lloyd did to deserve punishment. Just the other day, he helped me change the tire on my Hoveround scooter when I got a flat. I asked him to help me carry in the groceries before they melted. Then after he made two trips to bring my groceries inside and put them up for me he ran back to where I was and picked me up. I didn’t have to ask him to repair my scooter for me but it would have been a good chance for me to ask him why he was being punished.

I am legally disabled and not able to get around as much as I once was. I didn’t have an accident or anything so do not feel bad for me – I just became too fat to want to walk up to the recreation center anymore and the government gave me a Hoveraround to help me.

I wrote this letter and sent my youngest up to drop it off when I saw you had put up a suggestion box when we came home last night from Hooters.

I was surprised because the last time O.J. had set up a suggestion box he spray painted the word suggestions on an old garbage can.

I don’t think he ever got my letter suggesting he use a better box for suggestions because the trash is picked up every Tuesday there – at least it used to be. Don’t get me started about when they change trash pick-up day. I blame Obamacare! That is when it all started changing for the worse!

I hope this letter gets to you and that you are able to read it. I know that you do not read fast so I am writing it very slowly.

I just ate six cans of alphabet soup and please excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. Ok, I am back – sorry about that wait.

I also want to apologize about all the typos. I am writing this letter in ink and do not have an erase button or a fancy printer like you probably do.

I hear you are making good money with what you are doing at the car wash now and I wish I had thought of that because we are about to be evicted, and my disability has run out, and my insurance won’t cover me, my child support and alimony ran out too and I don’t know what to do- I may have to get job!

Anyway, as you may or may not know I have four kids which I have raised up right and they are all a big success and I am very proud of them.

My eldest is still in prison for all the those cars he stole and my second eldest is in the there with him for trying to blackmail that judge. My second youngest has been traveling the country with phish for the last three years and I haven’t seen her but I hear she is very popular with the band.

We barely have any debt and almost no bankruptcy or repossessions in our names. We are a good upstanding family and have been southern proud here for many years even though we moved here from Minnesota where he had lived all our lives before that.

My youngest however is giving me reason to be concerned. I suppose there is always one that is going to be the black sheep.

She was making good grades in school (mostly C’s) and was working a job at the Pump N’ Stump gas station on route 51.

She became very tight with the owner and I think she was dating his son. I know because the owner of the gas station complained he didn’t want a white trash slut like my daughter dating his Indian son.

So as I understand it, she was just giving him blowjobs and they stopped going out on dates.

Anyway, even though they had a good working relationship she got fired when she became pregnant and started to show. Now she is fatter than I am and eating me out of house and home. We barely have anything to eat.

We do not know who the father of her baby is and she thinks it could be several guys around here but I suspect at least one girl who swings both ways – if you know what I mean?

(Ted read that twice – no one at the table knew what she meant)

I told her that as fat as she is no one will want to marry her until she stops being pregnant. She needs to find a good man to take care of her. I told her to stay away from my Ex-husband though because after he left me for Crystal and came back he left me for another woman down on J street and then for that woman’s sister – HAHA, The jokes is on her because as least I did not lose him to MY sister.

My sister is a total pig. She can have him if she wants.

Anyway, we have heard in very explicit detail from some of the teenage boys on my street how you feed the girls in front of everyone and shame them for being such bitches and make them behave like dumb sluts who bark like seals at the waterpark for fish.

I told my daughter that I should do this to her and teach her a lesson in manners that she will never forget.

She said that she would love to do that but I don’t have any money to get started. Can you loan me 100 dollars?

“That was a fucking waste of time. I thought she was going to ask me a good question. Everyone always wants money from me now like it grows on trees!” when Ted got to the bottom of the letter he crumpled it up and bounced it off Crystal’s back into the trash bin “Two points!”

He vowed to tell O.J. to clarify people should not ask him for money on the suggestion box and then bluntly informed us we were done eating.

“You wasted most of yours,” Ted noticed I still had a third of a bowl of food as I got up. I had finished about 2/3rds of the disgusting soup of left-overs, which seemed like a lot more than it was as I ate the mixed-up goop.

Ted chastised me for wasting this disgusting slop. I wanted to tell him to be thankful I was playing along and sassily tell him I was only putting up with this crap for the money. I didn’t – I nodded and came out from under the table.

“Ha-hah,” I almost hit my head on the table as I stood up and Daisy laughed at me, “is that why they call you Ellen Twinkle-toes?” then she pointed out most of the remaining food was on my face.

That was it – I was definitely going to tell her off at that moment! I had summoned up enough courage, wiped away the morning haze from my mind, and my tummy was full – I was going to tell her to kiss my ass.

We heard O.J’s honk from his golf-cart and Ted abruptly announced, “There was no more time for fucking around,” and started to hustle to get all the things he wanted loaded on the golf cart ready to go.

I chickened out and didn’t tell Daisy off.

“Thank God!” I was never so glad as to hear Odd-jobs honk to get away from this twisted breakfast and Daisy’s out of control kids.