Chapter Twenty-Two

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying “If you invent it they will cum?”

“FRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRAUUPPPPPPPPPP!” a thunderous farty ka-boom blasted us as we walked in the front door of the trailer. If someone asked me what a dinosaur fart sounded like – I would have a pretty good idea after hearing it come ripping from the couch near the front door. Maw-Maw innocently looked up at us from the couch and claimed it was creaking.

“Creaks don’t stink like that,” Ted laughed at his rather large mother’s very poor attempt at excusing her own flatulence as we stood naked in the door-way area.

“Dat old woman is nasty, beleee’ dat!” The cute but street-wise savvy Nelly Jr. popped his head up from coloring to offer a comment and noticed we had no clothes on, “The white girls is home.” He shook his head like we were crazy and went back to coloring on the floor.

“Someone needs to teach that child some respect,” Maw-Maw turned several of her chins towards Ted and waggled them, as if suggesting he be the one who to do it. She did not seem all that surprised by our nudity – even Crystal walking in butt naked. She rolled her eyes at us and snorted, but said nothing else about it.

I reached down between my legs once she looked us up and down and wiped the cum-drip off with my fingers. I didn’t mean to draw attention to myself; but once I did, I felt all the attention on me. I wasn’t sure where to wipe my fingers until Crystal threw a hand-towel from the kitchen at me and grinned, “Clean up, take a load off – time to recharge and get ready to go shopping, sweetness.”

Ted walked over to kiss his wife, “God damned woman, your breath smells like you been chewing on warmed-over buttholes? Do you want a tic-tac?”

“I had Burger King for lunch,” she told him with a giggle. I would have thought the first question might be ‘why are you naked’; but the two of them have a very dysfunctional relationship – and Ted seemed merely pleasantly surprised that my Aunt was stalking around the house naked.

My Aunt had called it a relationship so fucked up your therapist takes the couch and smokes when you try to explain it all.

“Fucking Burger King?” Ted belched, “That tastes like shit!”

My brother was about to correct him – that the FOOD tasted like shit not the actual Burger King himself; but I caught Conner’s arm and stifled his lecture before it began.

“So Tweedle-Twat and Tweedle-Tits here did good today?” Ted looked us up and down and then back at Crystal after sipping his beer casually. “You want to explain why you don’t have any clothes on?”

“No,” Crystal sighed, “I do as I damned well please in my trailer. We made good money out there today and you sat here up Maw-Maw’s ass,” she turned to Maw-Maw and said, “No offense Maw-Maw.”

“None taken,” Maw-Maw rocked herself on the couch like it was a rocking chair. Her fat belly jiggling.

“I guess one good thing is I don’t have to search to see if you have hickeys or money hidden,” he laughed, but I could see he was puzzling over her real motivations. She had been in skimpy lingerie and robes, but never just walked around openly naked.

He looked at her well-bruised ass when she started to walk away and said, “Wow, I used to think your favorite team was the Denver Broncos, but now I think they must be the Red-skins!”

“Hardee-har-har,” she didn’t address his comment, “In a few hours we are going to get picked up and taken to the mall and then out to eat. I’ll get dressed then.” She smacked him on his ass, “Enjoy the show until then.” She jiggled her tits at him and went into her room to count up our money. She bid us to come with her and counted out my share. It came to 457 dollars and a shiny fifty cent piece.

We showered and Crystal opened her make-up kaboodle to us so we could pretty ourselves up after the day we had. They helped tease out my hair and used a scrunchy on it. I felt like someone from the big-hair days of my mom’s yearbook, but it was nice we were doing it all together.

Conner walked in once, but was promptly sent back out to give us time to apply make-up. I wished mom could come with us – and I felt a little guilty about going to the mall without her. I planned to save as much as possible and just replace some things we lost when the car was broken into.

Junior’s white Cadillac arrived a little earlier than 7pm. Junior opened our trailer door without knocking; and to his pleasant surprise the three of us filed out of my Aunt’s bedroom naked. He told us to get dressed; and I thought Ted had more than a sneaking suspicion there was more to my Aunt’s reasons for walking around without clothes – but he said nothing and Crystal didn’t wait around to find out.

After we greeted him in the living room naked, he seemed pleased that we had not been lying. I noticed that the television was on an old movie, “Soul Man” with C Thomas Howell in black face. He was watching Rae Dawn Chong walk sultrily across the campus and said, “What an ass.”

Rae Dawn’s character said, “What an asshole!” once he was out of earshot.

I giggled and followed the girls back into my Aunt’s bedroom.

The clothes my cousin and Aunt provided for me were a short skirt, denim-half-top that showed my mid-riff, and some white boots. “Sorry, I don’t have a bra that would fit you, and I think the thongs I have won’t either. You don’t mind going commando though do you?”

I assumed that meant without panties and a bra in public; and I smiled, “Where I come from – no I would never have even considered it.” I shimmied my naked ass into the small skirt and snickered, “When in Rome though.”

When I looked up the two of them were waiting for me to finish the sentence.

“It means when in Rome, do as the Romans do,” I explained.

“Eat Pasta and butt fuck?” Ted was standing in the door-way watching me dress. I felt more naked and exposed with my shirt off and trying to get dressed, than I had completely naked.

“No Sir, it means that I need to dress to fit in,” I told him plainly with a little consternation in my voice for his interruption. I wondered how long he had been watching me dress before he spoke up.

“Sir?” he grinned “I like that.”

I had not even realized I had used Sir. I had spent the day saying it to toothless rednecks and the other denizens of the Buckman -it just slipped out.

He didn’t give me a chance to explain. He hurried us into the living room while watching Crystal walk in her skin-tight jeans.

“Damn if you looked like this all the time – I’d be one happy motherfucker. Those jeans are so tight they should have virgin written on the side of them,” Ted complimented Crystal.

She smiled and sashayed into the living room, but didn’t say anything in response.

Conner and Lloyd were dressed as nicely as could be expected. My brother was still in his old shorts and t-shirt that he arrived in. I told him we’d make sure he got some new stuff at the mall.

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Mother-fuck, Motherfuck! Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Ted was anxious to get to the mall and spend the money we earned today.

Maw-Maw was the only one who chose to stay. “Lalochezia,” she observed to herself, “the emotional relief from using abusive or vulgar language.” She was crocheting something while eating a ham sandwich that was on a plate resting on her stomach.

I was pleasantly surprised to see her use such a big word. She was much smarter than I had obviously given her credit for – but then I had underestimated a lot about the people of the Buckman.

“He is just trying to raise awareness about prostate cancer - by acting and looking like an asshole,” Crystal whispered to me when we were outside conspiratorially.

Ted didn’t care – he kicked O.J.’s nephew Ryan out of the front seat and sat in the front. There wasn’t enough room for everyone to squeeze in without the girls sitting on laps. Crystal sat on Ted’s lap, while the rest of us squeezed into the back.

Savannah bluntly asked my brother if she sat on his lap, was he “going to get all weird and pop a boner?”

“No, I would never,” Conner answered, as Savannah lowered her ass on to his lap without asking any further permission.

“We’ll see,” she said, with a look of confidence shining in her blue eyes that she was pretty sure any guy would get aroused with her on his lap.

That meant I could ask Lloyd or Ryan if they minded me sitting on their laps. They both seemed like safe choices – not going to get too handsy or grabby. Nelly Jr. had already climbed into the car and wedged himself between Savannah, Conner, and Lloyd.

Ryan was closest to the door on the side I was getting into the Cadillac. He started to scrunch over, though there was literally not enough room. “If you don’t mind, can I sit on your lap Sir?” My face contorted into a ‘whoops’ expression, that I had used the Sir.

He grinned at my accidental use of the word Sir. “Hard to shake that habit after having to spend all day in fear of a spanking if you forget, huh?” while offering me his lap.

Ted hurried me to ‘sit my ass down and shut my mouth-hole,’ and I quickly climbed in. I had to put my arm around Ryan to climb in. “I wasn’t afraid to get spanked,” I whispered; and to my surprise I felt I sounded confident and sexy.

The interior of the car was white leather and very elegant. It smelled like a new car and it was very clean. I had a feeling with all of us in the car it might not be by the end of our drive; and wondered if Junior might get mad if we didn’t leave it exactly as we found it.

O.J. clicked on the radio and an old Dolly Parton country song came warbling out of the speakers.

Downtown tonight, I saw an old friend, someone who

I use to take comfort from long before I met you

I caught a spark from his eyes of forgotten desire

With a word, or a touch, I could have rekindled that fire

Old flames can't hold a candle to you

“So you all paid your bills with what you made today?” he asked us in general.

“Paid you no mind,” Crystal teased him in the front seat. “We are going to get a few things we need at the mall and my Sister’s family lost everything when their car got stolen. We’ll make money tomorrow as well for the bills.”

I began to wonder if my Aunt was actually behind on her bills after all. I had thought it was just a tactic to make it seem plausible that we were hurting for money and tug on the heart strings while she tugged on their hormonal urges to see pretty girls – but it stands to reason my Aunt can be pretty irresponsible and neither of them work full time jobs.

Ryan shifted a little under my weight as we left the trailer park. I apologized “I am sorry I have such a fat butt, Sir”. I covered my mouth – I had accidentally called him Sir again.

“Would you stop blowing smoke up his ass,” Savannah chided me from the other side of the backseat. “He ain’t the one that sent this Cadillac to take us to the mall in style!”

It was getting dark; but as we exited the pool area I distinctly saw Angel, the pregnant teenager I had seen before, standing with her boyfriend and having a heated discussion.

“Say what you want about pregnant women,” Ted commented as he stared hard at the girl from inside the Cadillac, “But I love how plump and juicy their asses and tits get! It’s like God wants to compensate you for their fat bellies.”

“Ted,” Crystal scoffed, “You think the last supper was a buffet. Don’t talk about religion or God will strike you with a fucking lightning bolt.”

He belched his reply, but stopped talking.

We gradually left behind the trailer parks, junk yards selling auto-parts, and what appeared to be at least three drive-in theaters that were now out of business or permanently flea-markets. I wondered why in this rural area they would have ever needed two- much less three drive-in theaters.

Eventually we saw more signs of civilization – gas stations, run-down Dairy Queens and Burger Kings, a decrepit roller skating rink, Econo-lodge motels and strip malls. We drove past Rowdy’s Family Restaurant and Lloyd noted how packed it was with customers in the parking lot.

We saw an old run-down, steepled church in bad need of a fresh coat of white paint. This was apparently the church that they used to go to years ago, “Before all that mess with the Pastor and his daughters,” Crystal explained, but didn’t tell the entire story. I got the impression it was some kind of scandal.

I giggled at the sign out in front with an L strategically missing from the word clocks.

“Don’t forget to move your cocks forward this Sunday”

“They haven’t changed that sign in years, I bet there are people still moving their clocks ahead every week,” Lloyd joked.

“I bet you move your COCK forward every night,” Savannah teased her brother and they got into a small slap fight before O.J. broke it up.

I was surprised to enter what was the town proper. There was a courthouse, a small supermarket and even a few strip clubs with quaint names like “The Landing Strip”. It just happened to be by an old, broken down airport with a single, solitary tower behind locked gates.

Where I come from, there are plenty of Target and Walmart superstores that provide clothing, groceries, and just about anything you might need in between. There used to be K-mart stores that filled that role but, as far as I knew, most of them were abandoned and out of business though..

We rolled up on what I thought might be their idea of a mall. A cruel joke or twist on the concept of a mall. It was obviously once a K-mart, but had been turned into a “J-mart”. Rusted shopping carts and dirty, broken, parking lot lamps dotted the nearly empty store parking lot. I was told that their prices are “too damned high,” by Ted as the reason they do not shop there.

“You are too damned high,” Savannah shouted into the front seat. Crystal told her she was “Too damned high” and then Lloyd shouted playfully, “We are all too damned HIGH!”

My aunt’s family laughed for a good five minutes – long enough for us to drive into the heart of the nearest town.

The town’s hub of activity was near a mall that looked old by anyone’s standards. “This mall used to be the biggest and most popular around for miles,” Crystal explained.

Ted added shamelessly, “Until all the black folk started moving in around here.”

“I heard dat you fucking cracker!” Nelly Jr. popped up from the darkness in the backseat. Then he added, “But that is prolly true.”

The mall parking lot wasn’t well lit. The lights and signs in the distance were always missing one or two letters. I couldn’t be sure if it was really supposed to be called “Appebee,” or the letters L and S had just burnt out in the sign. The parking lot lights were dim and flickering; and many of them were burnt out. It made the place seem a little spooky and a lot dangerous.

The mall had definitely seen better days. We passed a cracked and empty fountain, that had long since been drained of the quarters and pennies people threw in to make a wish.

The stores in the Cherry Lawn Regal Mall in my home town included upscale places like Starbucks, L&M, Urban Outfitters, Macy’s, Abercrombie and Fitch, Godiva Chocolatiers; and their food court was lined with exotically indulgent or healthy alternatives from California Pizza to Middle Eastern delights. They were bright and the mall was clean and spacious.

This mall had areas roped off for mopping that looked like no one was coming back to clean them. It had broken and damaged payphones, and many of the stores had long since closed. The smell of sawdust, mildew, and the faint scent of vomit mixed with cleaning supplies replaced the clean and bright smells of any mall I knew of. The hum of machinery replaced the sounds of happy customers and light acoustic jazz.

There was a big dollar store and a pharmacy in the mall. I had never seen either kind of store inside of a mall. Savannah noticed I looked disappointed and asked me about it.

“I was expecting ‘Old Navy’ not ‘Salvation Army’,” I said, without even thinking about how bratty that might have sounded until after I said it.

My cousin laughed – it was something she would say. Savannah told me that there were better stores further into the mall. We passed a Chinese restaurant that also did hair removal called “Wax On, Wax Off”. I thought that was an odd combination.

There was a pet store with a lot of sad puppies in the window. Lloyd made faces until we stopped to let him look at the dogs. “Puppay! Puppay – Here puppay!” he called to one of the dogs inside a window display.

“Get in there, Ellen,” Savannah nudged me playfully – to subtly remind me about the time I had to play puppy in the trailer. It seemed like so long ago, but it was just the other day.

“I wondered about that,” Ryan brightened “When you told Junior you crawled around like a puppy at your house. You really did that?”

A fresh wave of embarrassment washed over me. He was asking me so politely, and with the tone of someone who was pleasantly surprised you spoke Chinese or visited France would have; but it was such a nasty situation.

“She had a tail crammed six inches up that fart-cannon of hers,” Ted crudely confirmed. “Walking around on all fours shaking her ass for everybody.”

“Technically,” Conner corrected “She was crawling around and shaking her ass for everybody.” I wanted to say how anal-retentive he could be, but no one else besides Ryan and him would understand that term; and I am sure it would somehow be a joke on me about anal.

“I did, Sir.” I quickly covered my mouth after confirming for Ryan I had behaved that way – what was wrong with me? “Sorry, I can’t seem to stop doing that.”

“No worries,” he smiled breezily at me, “I am kind of getting used to it.” And dismissed my nervousness. I was blushing furiously – even though I had blatantly admitted it in front of him and everybody else while naked earlier. I think that while I had clothes on and was in a place that was sort of normal – it intensified my humiliation to admit it. I wasn’t sure if it had really been six inches all the way up my ass – but I was certainly not going to debate the exact length.

We passed “Golden Ponderosa,” a Chinese buffet that served steaks and western food. A picture of Ben Cartwright and Hoss, with Hop Sing, was on the side of the wall that read “Take all you want – but eat all you take.”

I wondered how many people were influenced to eat some place that featured characters from a show that hasn’t been produced in over fifty years. If they were going to steal the copyright of characters – at least make it about Shrek or Mater the truck!

“Fuck Golden Ponderosa,” Savannah sniffed the air. “We are eating Outback tonight.”

“No rules, Mate,” Lloyd delivered in a thick-fake Australian accent. “Throw another Barbie on the shrimp!” he mimicked throwing a grenade over-hand.

“I think it’s throw another shrimp on the Barbie,” Conner corrected.

“Why would you throw a Shrimp on a Barbie doll?” Lloyd laughed at my brother like he was an idiot, “That makes no sense at all.”

We continued through the mall past stores that sold what might be easily called “bric-a-brac” and tiny pieces of useless crap. Ted started to complain that he felt this was a waste of time and that we should just go on to Outback for “Beer and steak – fuck this shit.”

I told him that I wanted a chance to at least start replacing some of the things we lost when our car was stolen. He ignored me.

Savannah said it would be nice to buy some proper bathing suits if we were going to make it a regular gig there and she knew the perfect store for that. He ignored her.

Crystal said “It might be fun to get a few nice things for the house – Maw-Maw likes to collect petty little shit like porcelain figurines of monkeys and sad clowns.”

Ted’s eyes lit up when she said that. “That is true – we could buy some Franklin Mint stuff and sports collectibles like foam fingers and jerseys and sell the shit out of that like it was a garage sale.” He began scanning a store that sold foam fingers and baseball cards; and that is when we stopped window shopping and began actual shopping.

I wanted to say “You put the fun in dysfunctional,” but I was still too new to Savannah’s brand of sassy ‘immediately say whatever you are thinking’ exposition.

We were cautious with our money. I was judicious about buying anything we didn’t need; but Ted and Crystal seemed to have different priorities.

Savannah reminded her mom we needed “Pads!” and said it loud enough a nearby family turned and scoffed. Their expression was the kind someone makes when they smell the dog shit they just stepped in on the bottom of their new tennis shoes.

“Oh? Like those blonde bitches walking with you don’t bleed out their vagina once a fucking month?” Savannah scoffed at them and laughed at how stupid they were for being offended.

I was mortified at how open she was about having her period. I quietly calculated that mine was at least two weeks away before looking up at Ryan who was staring right at me. I didn’t have the kind of gushing girl-crush I had on the Riggins boys. They had rugged good looks and a dashing, boyish smile that spoke to my hormones. He just seemed nice and from the same upbringing as me; and I liked him as a friend – but I could see dating him if he asked.

If he saw me as disgustingly blunt as my cousin – he probably would never ask.

The family that was offended didn’t say anything. They quietly backed down after Savannah’s confrontation and went about their shopping in the opposite direction as we were.

I hadn’t observed them closely until after they left. There were two adult males, two adult women and two kids – but all of them had bright blonde hair – the kind that unless you are purebred Norse – you have to get from a bottle of bleach.

The older of the two females had Capri pants and a pink polyester shirt, with no sleeves, that barely covered her enormous tits that hung low in the shirt. She obviously wore false-teeth, because at the moment – she didn’t have them in.

Her daughter appeared to be the mother of the smaller kids and had a crying snot-nosed baby she carried on her hips. She had a hook nose and bright blue eyes; and the look of someone carrying around a lot of stress. She was wearing white-stretchy pants that were almost see-through; and didn’t seem to care or notice that her camel-toe was easily visible to anyone who cared to look.

I suppose in the grand-scheme of things – they probably shouldn’t have been the type of family to have been shocked by vulgarities and talk.

Ted commented that it was like watching a sad version of Baywatch when those two women walked away, “All the jiggle and none of the sizzle.” Unlike Savannah he waited until they were well out of ear-shot to talk smack about them.

As the younger woman walked away, she clenched her butt cheeks tight and pivoted her weight so that she could support her baby with one arm. Then she reached behind herself with one hand and reached between her ass cheeks to pull the stretchy-pant material free from her crack-wedgie in the back.

O.J. was content to quietly let us shop and make fools of ourselves while he and Ryan kept quiet and accompanied us. He did mention that the younger woman picked her tighty stretchy pants out of her ass. “At least you aren’t the only one who does that?” he laughed at me.

I didn’t know what to say back – so I grinned and nodded awkwardly. I wasn’t sure if that was a joke intended for me – or a joke about me.

“Seems like she should pull the wedgie out of the front too,” I found myself saying. It was so uncharacteristic for me to make a joke like that, but there it was.

“Hell nah, I love camel toe,” O.J. laughed again. I found myself wondering if that was a punch line and I should laugh too to be polite. I just smiled and nodded, as if suggesting that I bet he did like camel toe on a woman.

After that, the girls and I began to shop mostly for new clothes – a welcome relief for me to finally have something to actually wear. Lloyd and Conner seemed most interested in toys and gadgets; and Ted was on the hunt for something he could buy cheap and sell for a little more than cheap back at the trailer to get rich.

The highlights of some of the things we bought included:

--“Science gives me a Hadron” t-shirt for Conner. He had to explain it three times that it was not misspelled before the rest of my family gave up. I found it interesting that I was starting to feel like they were “my” family and not just my “Aunt’s family.”

--A wooden trophy with a plastic cat’s ass painted silver. The words “Cat Ass Trophy” were underneath it – spelling out Catastrophe. No one could explain to me why that was funny to the rest of the family besides Conner and me.

--‘What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?’ Apron for Ted. If you lift up a cloth in the front the punch line ‘Lifting his legs while she vacuums’ is written; but a cloth dick, balls, and yarn for pubic hair, pops up. I have to admit – that is funny but totally inappropriate.

When Nelly Jr. commented on how crazy white people were for buying this, Ted said “Shut up Webster, you are just mad because you don’t have any money.”

“I can only assume you are calling me Webster because of my extended vocabulary and not because I am short and black?” Nelly Jr. dropped his hood-style accent to ask the question.

“No, it’s because you are short and black,” Ted confirmed; but said that if there was money left over he would make sure Nelly Jr. got some new coloring books and that seemed to please him.

‘A Vulcan in the streets, a Klingon in the sheets’ t-shirt for Conner. Ted said he would get one for himself if they didn’t make these only for “pussies.”

Ted bought seven foam-fingers like Miley Cyrus had at the VMA awards when she was twerking. Savannah asked him “Why? So you can shove that finger up your own ass?”

He poked her with it and spanked Crystal’s ass with the over-sized foam hand playfully. The foam was soft enough that it didn’t hurt, but the girls gave him a dirty look anyway. “I am going to sell these motherfuckers for twice what I paid for them and then you’ll see.”

“You paid one dollar each for them,” Savannah snorted. “So you’ll make a profit of seven dollars then?”

“I don’t have a fat-ass and milky-jugs like hot-ass girls do to shake and get a free pay-day,” Ted snorted back. “I have to start somewhere.” He did look like it had just took some of the wind out of his sails that his capitalistic, grandiose plans would have netted him seven dollars, IF he could find someone dumb enough to buy generic, green, foam fingers.

Savannah seemed reasonably satisfied not to comment. I think she had keyed in on “Hot ass girls” and decided to take the compliment as it was given.

We also found a store that sold nothing but “Back Massagers.”

“Yeah these are great back massagers, if you like to massage your back with a dick shaped dildo,” Ted wasted no time observing that all of these massagers were overtly phallic to the women behind the cash register – as if she didn’t already know what was implied.

Crystal stroked a large black one with reverence and said, “I might need this later tonight when you pass out from that big steak dinner and all the beer you are going to drink.” With a smile to Ted.

He kissed her on the lips quickly and told her she wouldn’t need it; and my Aunt smiled back at him. They complained, made fun of each other and yet they also had occasional sparks of genuine affection.

I don’t think my parents have ever disagreed in front of me – much less made jokes at one another’s expense. I might have thought it was terrible if they had, but now I wondered why they hadn’t. I think the Danville brand of dysfunction was starting to rub off on me.

Ted jokingly asked Lloyd if he thought the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying ‘if you build it, they will cum.’

My brother recognized the movie reference and asked “Field of Dreams?”

“Never heard of it,” Lloyd and Ted replied almost in unison.

Once we had started to accumulate a sizable amount of crap, and things we really didn’t need, I pointed out we probably needed to also get groceries.

“No more just plain Helper for us!” Conner agreed and he quoted a line from the movie ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation’ “Clark? How do you want your helper?”

The rest of our family didn’t get the reference and looked at him like he was insane.

“You’ve never seen the movie National Lampoon’s Vacation?” he looked at them in disbelief. This was a classic that my mom and dad both referenced on family vacations all the time.

“Never heard of it,” they all said. My Aunt told us not to worry, we had enough food for now and we’d be making more money tomorrow. She encouraged me to lighten up and have a little fun. She told me not to worry so much about money and that she’d buy me something frivolous to get me started.

That is probably the moment I can pinpoint when we started going berserk on a buying spree. The final hour before the mall closed there was very little discussion and debate about whether we needed something. The main decision factor was if we had enough bags and hands to carry everything we started to buy.

Ted purchased at least one novelty ‘If you have a problem with me, tear a sheet off this calendar and write your complaint on the back. Then fold it up neatly and shove it straight up your ass’ calendar with a sheet of paper for each day. They were still selling the previous year’s calendars at 50% off.

Savannah made fun of Ted for wanting to buy those too.

“What do I know? I know that one of us has a personal stylist and physical trainer and the other one shoplifts most of her shit at Fashion Bug, that is what I know,” Ted said plainly.

“I am not shoplifting shit, tonight!” Savannah held up a big bag of nighties, stretchy leggings, jeans, jorts, short-shorts, tube-tops, camisoles, tank tops and stuff she had been buying in stores like trophies. Savannah’s voice tends to carry; and store clerks and customers turned and looked at her with distrust because she said “I am NOT shop-lifting,” and that made them suspicious.

She lowered her voice conspiratorially –oblivious to the stares of others and whispered “Not shoplifting much.”

Even though it was still early Summer vacation, there was a Halloween store and Savannah implored us to go in and look. We walked through the aisles of plastic Frankenstein masks and off-brand Star Wars knock-off costumes for “Bobba Fatt the Bounty Hounter”; which was either their attempt at avoiding copyright laws or just a bad translation from the Korean sweatshop that made it.

“Last year I was a slutty nurse, before that a slutty cowgirl and before that a lady bug,” Savannah found the aisle with the female costumes.

“A SLUTTY lady bug?” Conner corrected.

“Fuck no,” Savannah looked at my brother like he was crazy and not making sense, “why would I be a slutty lady bug?”

Ted bought 17 plastic skulls and 4 Halloween jack-o-lanterns. It was unclear how many of those he intended to sell back at the trailer, because it seemed he wanted to use the cheap plastic novelties to decorate the house. We didn’t get any costumes, but Savannah said she knew of a swimsuit store where we could get a deep discount-if a certain guy she knew was working.

My Aunt had also bought a long t-shirt nightie in response to some of the obscenely sexist ones Ted had, that read ‘If a woman is mad – hand her a knife – she’ll make you a sandwich’.

I felt compelled to explain to her that I think that meant something sexist, but my brother was the first to comment, “You won’t need it if you have to be naked all the time at home anyway Aunt Crystal?”

“Have to be?” Ted’s ears perked up. He had ignored my brother almost every time he spoke, unless it was to make fun of Conner, but this had his attention.

Crystal is very quick-witted when it comes to cons and lies. I saw her eyes dart over to see if Odd-Jobs had picked up on my brother’s statement and I could almost smell the wood-burning between her eyes as she came up with her response.

She stopped in front of a closed down Woolworth storefront – complete with lunch counter and looked at Ted. “I might have told Junior that I am naked as soon as I walk in my front door all the time,” she sounded like she was trying to be honest, but finding it as difficult as a vampire eating garlic for the first time.

“You might have told my Uncle you did?” Ted looked her up and down.

“He was pressing us to talk some dirty-smack, and slapping down tens and twenties, and so yes, I told him that you take my clothes at the door so I don’t sneak out on you,” Crystal came clean about the truth and I was relieved – I knew she could tell the truth if she wanted too.

“Damn,” Ted shook his head, “Why you gotta make me sound like I ain’t enough for you and you need more dick?” I thought Ted might have been flattered, but he took it as an attack on his manhood and sulked.

“Stop sulking Pillsbury dough-douche,” Savannah commanded her step-dad to snap out of it. “Mom loves you enough to tell you what she did and why – we all said a bunch of stuff to Junior, because we needed money.”

Ted kicked his foot and looked at the ground like a pouty child.

“You can tell your Uncle that you decide if and when I wear clothes and what I wear – you picked these hot-ass, skin-tight jeans I have on didn’t you?” Crystal uncharacteristically tried to cheer up Ted, instead of mocking him.

He brightened, “That is true, you do look like you should be arrested for smuggling pumpkins in that top and I get sea sick watching you wiggle that sweet ass from behind with those fine jeans – smoking.”

Crystal kept walking without acknowledging him, but I could see her face and she had a smug smile on her face. She reminded me of a cat that wanted you to stroke their fur, but kept moving slowly so their tail was just out of reach and you had to move forward a little to pet them.

“So as far as my Uncle is concerned, you are going to strip at the door because I tell you to do it,” Ted confirmed. He sounded a little shaky in his confidence once he heard himself saying it, but he sounded pleased with the idea.

“That’s right, Sir,” Crystal cooed politely. I was so glad I wasn’t the only one who had accidentally applied Sir to someone when we were out in public – or maybe in her case in this instance – it wasn’t an accident.

“And if I want to check you for cellulite on those thunder thighs or cum bubbles from another man, then by god, you are going to let me!” Ted declared.

“You can tell him you do that,” Crystal subtly implied that he couldn’t actually do it, but she was willing to let everyone else believe that he did.

Ted let the matter drop, but I saw how animated his face was. He looked like someone who was quietly calculating the bill on their check for how much of a tip to leave as he mulled over what just happened.

Our buying spree continued through stores that sold all sorts of crap from cookware to sheets. I have to admit I started to get caught up in the fever of buying, and was spending everything I had on what I WANTED without really considering what we NEEDED.

In retrospect, I should have been more judicious with my money, but I found myself just as I had earlier that day being caught up in the moment and doing more than anyone else. I was almost completely out of money.

We saw a store that sold only plastic fruit, flowers and monkeys. I thought there was no one way anyone would have any reason to buy any of it or be interested in anything they had to sell, but Ted insisted we go in. He grabbed two plastic flower bouquets and told my brother and Lloyd that they should buy them for their girlfriends.

Lloyd said nothing and smiled as if he wasn’t going to take the bait. My brother fell for these things every time, and asked “What girlfriend?”

“Aren’t you dating Right Hanna and Lloyd is with Left Hanna? Or do you boys switch off when you get bored?” Ted hee-hawed himself back out of the plastic fruit store as quickly as we walked in. He was the only one chuckling about his joke with smug satisfaction.

We had almost made one complete round of the mall when we passed the pet store again. We moseyed into the store and began to look at the pets and pet supplies. Lloyd wanted to get something for Zeus and Ares that they could ‘tear the shit out of.’

“Hey Ellen,” Ted held up a rubber dog bone, with small rubber spikes for gripping on it, “This looks like that tail you had up your butt. Stick it in and see if it fits.”

He was bringing up my butt plug tail again and I was shocked and embarrassed in front of everyone. I am positive I turned a bright shade of pink in front of the family, the other customers, and Ryan.

“That actually looks EXACTLY like your cock,” Savannah stated with mock enthusiasm over the phallic bone, before making a lemony face and adding, “only much, much bigger than yours of course.”

She held up her fingers two inches apart and everyone, including the cashier, laughed.

That shut him up for a few minutes. I quietly thanked my cousin with my eyes and I could have sworn she told me I was welcome with hers.

“Maybe we could buy these chinchillas,” Ted said of seven adorable, fuzzy little squirrel like critters running about in a plastic playground designed just for their merriment in one of the pet displays.

“What the fuck for?” Crystal demanded an explanation and scrunched her nose up the same way her daughter did when she disagreed with something strongly.

“What the fuck for?” Ted repeated – as if to give himself some time to think of a response. “We could use them for fur and trade that shit.”

“You want to buy seven squirrels and take them home, then butcher them and skin them, so you can turn them into coats?” Crystal shook her head like Ted was truly an idiot.

“Yeah!” Ted sounded incredulous that he was being asked this question. He struck me as the kind of man who wants to get rich by doing something that no one else would ever think of doing – but it has to allow him to be lazy, irresponsible and doesn’t take a lot of planning, effort or capital to get started.

“And just like that – sew seven skins you cut freshly off their backs into something someone would wear?” Crystal looked at Ted like he was the biggest naïve dumb-ass in the world.

“When you say it like that,” Ted reconsidered. “They will piss, shit and eat too much; and we already have the Tinkle family plus this little black turd,” Ted looked down at Nelly Jr.

Nelly Jr. kicked Ted in the shin, stuck out his tongue and called him a “Cracker.”

Ted chased Nelly Jr. around a Donald Duck and a Steam Boat kiddie ride. The kind you insert 25 cents in for it to vibrate.

While Nelly Jr. outfoxed Ted, by running and climbing through the steam boat, we laughed and took a break from shopping.

“I can’t wait to get to Outback Steakhouse and have a big dinner!” Lloyd rubbed his stomach.

“The way we are spending we may not have enough to buy dinner?” Conner was great at math. I have straight A’s in almost every subject, but Conner was doing calculus for fun on his internet forums last summer. He was obviously adding up every dime that was brought in and spent in his head and keeping a running ledger.

“Do we have 25 cents for me to stick in this Donald Duck’s ass so I can ride his bill and get a little thrill?” Crystal cooed and rubbed her hand on the yellow-bill of the ride in the middle of the mall. She was kidding (I think) but added, “If Ted drinks and eats too much, all I will get tonight is his farts and burps while he snores it off. I have to take my fun where it comes.”

I may have been the only one to notice how odd the ride had been designed, or at least no one else said anything about it. Donald Duck was wearing a blue hat and coat laying on his back so that the rider would have to sit on his metallic-blue belly. His orange duck bill faced down at the lap of the rider, making it look like he was staring at their crotch; while the rider held on to the handles on his cap. It seemed like something that was made back when they didn’t think things like that were sexually suggestive – but I can’t imagine how they couldn’t.

“Wicked Weasel is right over here,” Savannah was bored after 10 seconds of watching Nelly Jr. out-race Ted, and was already looking for the next store. She directed us to the bathing suit store she had been talking about. “Ted might get his pecker hard when he sees you in these.”

Crystal sighed and nodded her head that she was skeptical – but followed her daughter into the store with her usual mischievous grin.

As one might expect for this area – modesty was not something a lot of the people in this area valued in women’s bathing suits. There was a small collection of purple and polka-dotted bikinis that I would consider pretty risqué’.

They left very little to the imagination and were high-cut to show off cleavage and hips. They would definitely turn heads and possibly start rumors at the community pool in Cherry Lawn Estates.

Those were in the “Fatty” section of the store and looked like they were the discount rack of often-overlooked and less popular clothes.

The majority of things they sold were far more revealing than that.

When Ted caught up with us, he and Nelly Jr. had obviously made up. None of us thought Nelly was ever in any danger or I think someone would have stopped Ted. It looked like they were just goofing around playfully and Nelly had been the Jerry Mouse to Ted’s Tom the Cat, popping his head up only to outsmart and tease him at every turn.

He pulled the tag of one of the neon swimsuits and scoffed “Eighty dollars for this little fucking string? It wouldn’t cover your asshole and your tits, but then I guess you like to waste money.”

“Those are just the bottoms,” Savannah sneered at him. She was clearly a big fan of this store. I suspected many of her home-made bikinis may have been an attempt to craft things she saw in this store as a little girl, because they looked so familiar to me.

She had money now and she wanted to get a proper bikini and she wasn’t going to let Ted talk her out of it. “We wouldn’t have money TO waste if it wasn’t for those bikinis!” she argued back to Ted.

“You looked like you made money because you came home butt-ass nacked and cashed in on the pink between your legs out there,” Ted argued back.

Keep in mind that a mild-mannered clerk, who had no context before we walked in, was listening to the older man talk to what probably looked like his daughter about how she made her money being naked.

The clerk touched his glasses to push them back up and kept a completely straight face behind the cash register while the little scene played out.

“Rebel Flag Bikinis,” Savannah discovered a section of one piece and two piece mylar swimming suits that were designed with the traditional rebel battle flag that seemed very popular in the Buckman.

“Technically,” my brother felt the need to correct Savannah, “a bikini is actually a women's two-piece swimsuit; with a bra for the chest and panties cut below the navel, and only a subset of these swimsuits are in point of fact actual bikinis.”

Savannah stuck out her tongue and gave my brother a raspberry while she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Cool,” I looked at the suits as well. They were nice quality and made of a much sturdier material like Crystal wore. “We could get matching ones,” I suggested.

“Fuck you in your fucking ass!” I was surprised Savannah reacted so negatively to my constructive suggestion. I thought I was being supportive; since she clearly wanted a high-quality suit like she had seen her mother wear, more than anything else she bought today.

I was stunned and caught flat-footed by her reaction.

“I saw this first, slut,” she called me slut playfully and told me we could not BOTH wear the same design. I guessed it was the equivalent of wearing the same party dress to the cotillion as another girl.

“Fine, hooker,” I teased back and stalked off to find my own suit jokingly adding, “I’ll find a sexy lady bug one!”

“Good luck with that, skank!” Savannah stayed with the suits she was looking at and joked back with me across the store.

The store clerk said nothing. I didn’t expect him to say “Hear, hear – let’s have some decorum young ladies”; but I wasn’t used to this sort of freedom to say things like this out in the open. There was something liberating about it – and because it was playful and funny it didn’t feel humiliating at all to me, even though I was being called a slut and a skank.

All three of us picked a new suit and headed over to the changing area to try them on. I half expected there to be no curtain and we’d have to change in the store window like a mannequin. I don’t know why my mind went there, but after all the humiliations over the last few days – I had started to anticipate things like that. I felt a little embarrassed I had even let that scenario play out in my head –but after today I wouldn’t have been shocked if people were allowed to come up and poke us while we changed.

I quickly tried on the swimsuit I had picked. I had selected a one piece slingshot style. It was strawberry pink with very little left to the imagination. It felt like a jumper with two long straps around my shoulders joined at my crotch. I started to feel the hair on my arms stand up and goose bumps emerged on my body as I realized the suit made me feel more naked than when I was actually naked.

The material was so stretchy that it felt like two bungee cords pulling my clit up with leverage from my shoulders. I was all alone in the dressing room and I blushed in the mirror while looking at how the material bunched up in the crack of my ass and the straps in the back didn’t even touch my back.

I heard Crystal say to her daughter from her dressing room, “You always wanted a suit like mine since you were a little girl,” while looking at the suits, “I wish I could have bought you one.”

“No you didn’t,” Savannah answered her mom with the same sassy sarcasm she gave me a few moments ago, “If you had – you would have bought me one instead of buying yourself another one.”

“True, true,” Crystal agreed. “But you had mosquito bites for tits and a string bean figure. Wicked Weasel suits were made for women with curves.”

I thought Crystal was actually going to get a chance to give her daughter a full compliment respecting her maturity into womanhood, but Ted was hemming and hawing about us hurrying our asses up. “How long does it take to look at your own ass in the mirror? Get out here and let’s see!”

“Fuck off you perv,” Savannah called out from inside the changing booth with her usual brassy flair. He could see our feet and the top of our heads from inside the store, “You don’t need ta’ see”.

Savannah had complained, but she didn’t actually wait for him to reply. She just stepped out into the store anyway wearing the skimpy two piece.

The girls had taught me in one of our discussions about how to grease up a man to make him want to participate in our scams.

Step one: If he wants to see your tits – say no way.

Step two: He’ll ask again and maybe offer something extra

Step three: Reluctantly agree – it’s just tits.

If you are too eager for him to see, then he didn’t feel like he got something cool. You show everybody all the time and it just isn’t as worth it to him.

In Ted’s case, I think it was not that Savannah wanted anything from him. She just wanted to bust his balls a little and didn’t actually care if he saw or not.

Savannah has eyes that can summon a dark thunderstorm of electric ice-blue daggers to stab your heart if she is angry. She can also brighten any room by batting her long dark eyelashes over those baby-blue pools when she is happy.

She seemed very pleased to finally be getting one of these swimsuits; and right now her eyes were actually smiling.

The guys oohed and ahhed at Savannah. I heard my Aunt pull the dressing room curtain open and “Ta-dah” introduce herself as well – perhaps to steal her daughter’s thunder.

I took a deep breath and walked into an open store in a shopping mall wearing less cloth than it takes to make one small glove on my entire body – strapped tight across my boobs and through my ass crack.

I was just walking out because the other girls did. I had already decided I would spend what little money I had left to buy this bikini because it would hold up much better than the home made ones I had – and technically it actually fit my chest, unlike the one I had on earlier that day.

These swimsuits were really not designed to get wet and swim. They were for preening and parading around in front of men; and that is what we were doing now, except it was for my family and the one lone store clerk.

Savannah turned around to face her ass towards the men. Then she stood slightly on her tippy toes and put her fingers under the bottom of her shapely ass and began rapidly pushing up and down. It had the effect of making her ass jiggle in what was obviously a very pleasing way to the guys.

“You think it looks okay?” she asked the young cashier in something of a baby voice.

He nodded that it was fine. He works in a swimsuit store and probably sees things like this all the time. I didn’t expect the cartoon equivalent of eyes popping out of his head and the “Oooga-Oooga noise”; but this young man barely registered the slightest interest.

“There aren’t any pockets for money on this thing,” Savannah approached the cash register and flirtatiously offered to let him show her if any could be found. She hinted she’d like a hefty discount; and the double-entendre that she would make him very happy if he did, was not subtle at all.

He either was too stupid to take a hint or wasn’t going to take the bait.

She chewed her gum like she was in a hurry to close the deal and not sure what to do next, because she had just brought her A-game and that had never failed before.

“The store manager and I go way back,” her mom sidled up to the counter to take over the show. She smiled at him, “You must be new here, but Larry Beaker and I have always had a little arrangement to put some of my bill on a special account in the back,” she tossed her hair and smiled at the young man. “Maybe I could show you where that is in the back?”

I could hear Ted whisper to himself “For fuck sakes.”

“Mr. Beaker is my father,” the man behind the counter sighed. He glared at Savannah while my Aunt flirted with him.

“Well haven’t you grown,” Crystal’s toothy smile spread across her face and she ran her finger down his chest to salvage her flirtation. “I suppose it might be time for you to have a look at the books in the storage room.”

“I don’t think my mom would appreciate knowing there is a special account in the storage room,” the cashier wasn’t going for the flirtation. I thought about trying my hand at a different approach but I stood frozen watching this play out- my Aunt and Cousin were master manipulators. They would resolve this or it couldn’t be resolved.

Savannah began to recognize him, “You used to sit next to me in math class and let me copy all your answers, didn’t you?”

“No Savannah,” he corrected, “I used to sit next to you and you copied all my answers, whether I wanted that or not.”

“Oh shucks,” she sounded contrite and the dimples in her smile were an attempt to defuse his angry demeanor, “well, I am sorry ‘bout that”.

“I got up the nerve last year to ask you to prom and you do not remember me? Lenny Bleaker?” he asked with growing anger, “I rented a tuxedo, a limousine, bought you the nicest corsage and when I showed up you had me drop your family off at a restaurant. You told me you wanted me to meet your family before prom night and then invited me to dinner with you. Then you stuck me with the bill and left me at the restaurant!”

“You know Larry,” Savannah nodded her head as if starting to remember, “I mean Lenny, that does not sound like how I remember it.” Savannah was backpedaling as quickly as she could.

She would have had to continue to eat crow and spin that encounter if not for the familiar ‘bee-dow’ tone that is triggered when someone else walks into the store.

Everyone turned to see the new customers entering the store. We instantly recognized them as:

“Well, if it isn’t the cuntslip family,” Ted didn’t seem surprised at all.

“The last name is Haislip,” April said with impatient exasperation. She was the woman we had met earlier who seemed to be both close friends and close rivals with my Aunt. She was about her age but a little prettier in every way.

Her daughter Tawny was right behind her. Tawny was a close rival with Savannah, but I don’t think they had any kind of friendship either. She had been at the pool the night before with the Riggins boys. She was tall, blonde and very buxom and good looking, but with a shallow and vapid look.

“I thought I smelled the Danville smell in here,” Tawny sniffed the air and looked at us with derision. She let her gaze hang on me with a scrutiny that made me feel six inches too tall. Her gaze in the bright light of the store made me want to crawl back into the privacy of the tiny changing room and hide like a blossom that closes after it opened on the vine.

“I don’t know how you could, sugar” Crystal answered sweetly, “smell us over your breath because it smells like wine, cum and ass.” My Aunt put her finger up in the air and made a ‘ssss’ sound like she burned Tawny.

“I heard about your little spectacle at the pool today,” April ignored the barb and said we must have done very well. “You are finally able to afford a proper bathing suit?”

“We can actually afford several after what we made in one day,” Crystal instructed me to pick out a two piece as well that has long string ties. I was happy to have something to do rather than stand there and be evaluated by the Haislip women.

“Odd-Jobs asked us to do it first,” April smiled directly at O.J. and back at Crystal, “but we had better things to do than be the trailer park laughing stock.”

“Laughing?” Crystal put her hands on her hips and strutted her chest out and chin up “When you see how much money we are making you’ll be begging to join us and I might just let you work with my girls.”

O.J. shifted uncomfortably. He clearly HAD asked them first and wasn’t enjoying the show-down.

Savannah was also picking out a second swimsuit while her mom and April exchanged a few kindly compliments that would also be devastating to one another’s self-esteem if they believed them for a second.

“How much will that be Lenny,” Crystal did not remove her gaze from April when she asked.

“$482.85” Lenny said calmly.

I could see an equal amount of confident bravado drain from my Aunt’s face as smug satisfaction entered April’s.

“I will cover this,” O.J. told us he would treat us to steaks and invest in the swimsuits for his new business partners. My Aunt didn’t hesitate to thank him and even call him Sir as she took back the confident expression she had lost moments earlier.

O.J laid down a credit card and completed the purchases while we dressed again. I had imagined my Aunt going back into the store room with a boy Savannah’s age and sucking his cock or letting him touch her for these suits; and I was surprised that the offer hadn’t worked – but then all the sluttiest girls in the surrounding area come here and probably try that on him.

He had to have a lot of self-control.

We sashayed out of the store and I could have sworn I heard April telling Lenny that she had an account in the back room, and would he like to go check the balance with her.

“This is fun!” Ted loved the way his wife was spending all this money on collectors plates and clearance items he thought he could turnaround for sale at the trailer park – the fact they were about to be treated to a big dinner thrilled him.

The mall was a fair distance from the Buckman and many of the people that lived there seldom got out this far. This was his ‘big city excursion’ and I suppose it was now mine as well.

“It is so nice when a man says those three little words,” Crystal chuckled.

I was thinking she may have meant “This is fun” or “I love you”.

Her eyes beamed like her daughter’s for just a moment and twinkled when she clarified the three words were “You were right.”

She had said Ted would have fun, and he had.