Chapter 5 – Family Feud Prequel

"Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep." —Denis Waitley

It had been only a couple days since Wendy had laid down the law. It had taken the two of the Taylor men a little while to get their heads around what was happening. Wendy had studied some of Bill's "scenarios" on the porn he took and saved on his computers, and she and Jamie had both agreed that turnabout was fair play. They wanted to see nude young girls prance around and work up a sweat pumping iron or jogging in place? Doing jumping jacks so their boobs bounced all around ... they wanted them to bow and kneel.

Well, Bill and Chris would see how it felt.

Jamie, for her part in this, had been somewhat more than reluctant. This was a hassle, and who wants to see their brother and dad's johnsons flapping around the house? She had a busy social life at school, with extra-curricular activities, football games etc. She had tolerated the abnormal turn of events with a bemused expression on her face.

Wendy had worked it out with her daughter that Jamie's role in this would be casual, but that she should also ‘have a little fun with it’. She could get be playful with them, and at the same time get them to take care of even doing her homework, all her chores, and whatever legwork she wanted done.

Wendy was ‘having a little fun with it’. She was keeping them busy exercising and cleaning up. She would frequently walk in on them doddling and futzing around, and have to yell at them to get them back to work.

She had seen a show on Oprah about 'positive affirmations'. Developing a positive mindset is one of the most powerful life strategies there is, using powerful positive-thinking techniques, visualizations and positive affirmations. Thinking you will take responsibility helps a person to take responsibility. When she had time between her busy work schedule and her own step-aerobics classes, she would make them stand up and commit to being less lazy, to take ownership of their mistakes, and to be better men.

Wendy was so busy with her career and outside activities that she simply couldn't be home enough to supervise them. She needed Jamie's help. Her daughter was already very active in school, an honors student who was a cheerleader in the middle of football season.

She had become a seasoned executive in part because she knew how to incentivize people, to get them to do what she wanted. That could involve reverse psychology, appealing to their egos, or offering them a title. But with her daughter there simply wasn't a lot she could offer that Jamie needed.

Jamie wasn't so sure she wanted the "brain trust" of the Taylor men working on her homework. Wendy didn't blame her; besides, she was already an overachieving honor student. She wouldn't want to slack off, she liked to do extra-credit assignments over spring break.

Wendy upped the ante: if Jamie would help keep an eye on Bill and Chris and motivate them, she’d be considered technically a "Parent". Which meant Jamie could come go as she pleased, got her own credit card, and would basically be treated like an adult.

Wendy felt that was win-win; her daughter wasn't a discipline problem, and soon she'd be away at college. There she'd have the same temptations of drinking and boys and parties, so why not see how she handles it now, while she has a support system in place? Jamie was mature, and frankly Wendy needed her for this. It was a two-woman job. Jamie would be her "partner in crime", so to speak.

Jamie's final condition for her part was concerning parties for popular kids (football stars, cheerleaders etc.) that were held on Friday Nights: her dad would buy alcohol for these parties, and Chris and he would cart it to whoever’s house it was at. They'd even host one at their own home one night before homecoming.

Wendy had always wondered what kind of parents let their teenagers throw a full-on party with alcohol in their house. Images of housewares she carefully collected from Pier One and Bed, Bath and Beyond broken while drunken high school seniors lie face-down on her carpet flashed through her mind. Wendy reluctantly agreed, if she could find a way to supervise it. "One party; let's see how it goes."

'How bad could one party be? The kids are going to throw them anyway, and my lazy son and husband can clean up the mess after; win-win,' she told herself, still nervous about the idea of kids with alcohol in her home.

Wendy and Jamie had an agreement, a pact of sorts. They would revisit the Taylor Women's Bill of Rights, and this time, they would make it hurt (for the guys).

The Taylor men, on the other hand, having had a taste of life on their own, were not so excited about the changes, to say the least. However, they found themselves facing well-organized women who seemed to have a quick answer for everything and who seemed to be just taking charge. Bill and Chris were not coordinating their approach, they were just reacting. They were two individuals in the same situation; they weren't sharing ideas or comparing notes, they were just trying their best to keep up with Wendy and Jamie's demands.

Thursday and Friday went by in a flash. Things seemed to only escalate. Wendy would have to come up with a rule to address some behavior or bad habit, which in turn caused her to come up with yet another rule to address a new bad behavior as a result of her rule. She didn't like to be reactive, she liked to plan and be organized. She spent time meeting with Jamie or talking to her on the phone, and the two coordinated and developed a 'tag team' approach to dealing with the men.

The first Saturday of the change for the men set the tone for how things would be, moving forward.

It was 7 AM, and Wendy woke her husband up. He was naked on the couch. She hadn’t slept with him since he got back. She also hadn’t let him put clothes on in the house since he got back. She had, however, insisted he keep his ass wiped, and take baths regularly so he didn't stain their couch with his sweat.

She hated to have to tell him to wipe his ass. That kind of crude language offended her, but she also didn't want him leaving stains on her couch. Scotchgard or no Scotchgard, she was not going to have it on her couch. Bill should simply know better, if he was going to be naked, than to leave the toilet with the job half-finished.

"You've got paperwork to do before you can leave your thinking chair" she had joked with him. She found making jokes made it easier to accept that she had to take him in hand and organize him.

"Disarm them ... keep them without their comforts, let’s dangle them just out of their reach," she remembered telling Jamie her strategy.

"Get your sweaty butt off my nice sofa right now, Mister..." she shook him awake.

"Wendy ... can't I just have..." interrupted by a slap to the Bill's bare butt cheek. "Whoa Whoa!" Bill gave a startled reply before remembering he was to call her Ma'am. He didn't want to hit her back, but the strike to his ass stung. It stung more to his ego than to his butt, but it did sting.

"Let's get in there and make us breakfast." Wendy ignored his groggy attitude.

Chris was already in an apron when they went into the kitchen, his bare, pink butt peeking out of the back.

Jamie sitting at the table. "You like the apron? It keeps in his moobs, and no pubes get in our eggs," she asked her mom, as if she didn't even see her dad.

"What are moobs?" her mom asked with a tickled expression.

"Man-boobs ... they were jiggling too much, put me off my eggs." They both laughed at Chris's embarrassment.

"Why are you standing here? You think this talk is for you?" Wendy turned to her husband with a sort of stare that seem to warn him to join his son at the kitchen counter preparing breakfast. Bill didn't say a word. He dutifully pretended to work, while he collected his bearings about what actually needed to be done to make the girl's breakfast.

She threw an apron that said "Kiss the Cook" at her husband and said "Not likely you'll get a kiss." She giggled, "…but put it on, and see if this improves your odds ... let's keep your short-hairs out of the breakfast." Wendy liked to say "Let's", when she really meant Bill and Chris.

He did as he was told, but he made sure to move a little slowly about tying it in the back. His ass was hanging out, but at least his "junk" was covered. He had agreed to do what his wife told him because she had him over a barrel, and things just seemed to escalate from there. His male ego told him that if he just stepped a little slowly at times, that was his way of being defiant to the authority imposed upon him by the girls.

There was a few a few minutes of quiet awkwardness while the men tried to look busy putting together a breakfast that they were ill-practiced to do. Bill cleared his throat as if to speak, but Wendy interrupted him. "Bill, is this the part of the morning like the last two, where you ask for your clothes back?"

"Well, yes it is, Wendy, I mean ... it's just not right. My daughter seeing me naked, seeing Chris ... it’s..."

"It's what? Like you seeing her friends naked? No, it's not, because as you can see, neither of us are masturbating. We aren't playing with ourselves over it." That silenced Bill's argument. "You see, the reason we took your clothes is control. We don't need to see your "manhood", and I use that word loosely ... but if we let you keep doing what you were doing in your loose sweat pants and grimy, unwashed tank tops, sitting around here, you'd drag asses ... you actually work much faster this way. Now unless there’ll be anything else, chop chop" she said dismissively, putting them back to work to finish preparing her eggs.

When they finished serving the women in silence, they waited standing next to them. "Good, boys ... Chris, you can prepare yourself a half plate and sit down."

If Wendy looked up, she would have seen the confusion on Bill's face. Hadn't he done everything she was asking? Why can't he sit down, he wondered? If she pushes him a little bit further… he’s just about it had it with this twisted game, it's not going to go on any longer, and if she does then he’s ... oh shit, she was talking to him and he wasn't listening. What did she say? Think, Bill, think ... his mind drew a blank.

"That’s right, you’re calling us both Ma'am around here, and NOT Wendy or Jamie. You don't get familiar with your boss, you speak to them with respect. So you’ll stand right there until you say it, or you don't get to eat breakfast, which will help on your diet anyway..." Wendy stopped to see if he was listening.

"Yes, Ma'am" he offered slowly, half-congratulating himself on catching the last part of her preachy tirade. Every morning she’d been giving him tips on how to be a more effective husband and communicator, and better listener. It was SOOO boring, when would she just shut up and let him have sex again? Oh dear ... oh no. While he'd been thinking to himself, he got a woody.

"BILL!!!" exclaimed Wendy with what may be a little overly dramatic shock.

"It's morning wood, morning wood ... it’s not anything ... no, no, it’ll go down." He looked down helplessly at his bouncing pecker, standing up straight under the apron.

"Bill, we talked about this. Morning wood happens right when you wake up. This is an erection, and you got it while you’re standing here in front of your daughter."

"Gross." Jamie laughed at the phrase 'morning wood' and 'in front of your daughter'.

"Do we allow you to walk around with raging hard-ons?"

"No."

"No, what?"

"No ... uh, oh, jeez Ma'am"

"Go stand in the corner, keep your hands on your butt cheeks where I can see them. I don't want you playing with it ... I will check back with you in 10 minutes; if it’s still up, you know what happens next?"

"Yes, Ma'am" he said, turning to one of the kitchen corners, thrusting his chest into the corner, putting his hands behind his back.

"No playing with your butthole, either, I’m not sure which way you swing ... just keep the flat of your hands where we can see them, on those hairy man-cheeks." Wendy had thought she had caught him playing with his butt once, although he may have been scratching; that’s what he’d told her after she confronted him about it.

Jamie giggled a little at her mom's harsh instruction – she was amused. Jamie never thought she’d be amused by anything remotely perverted but her mom had made it fun like a little game. If things had begun this way she may have refused to participate but because things had escalated this way organically she found herself caught up in it just as much as her mother.

"Oh, dear, you can order your dad around too, you know. It's quite fun ... it's good for releasing some tension. You've hardly spoken up; been having fun with your brother's situation?" She turned her attention back to Jamie while talking about Chris as if he wasn’t even in the room.

"Not really, Mom, it's kind of creepy. It feels a little like something I'd see on Jerry Springer. I mean, if anyone at school found out I even hang out with him, I'd be a social pariah. But if they knew I made him march around the living room, high-stepping, and jog in place, they’d never believe it. Imagine if someone tried to write a story about this. The reader would say it's too unlikely. What family would do this?"

"Ha-ha, you seemed to be having fun yesterday when you put him through an hour of Tae Bo."

"Oh, yeah, I guess it was funny to see him try to follow a cardio workout and dance to booty music in front of the TV ... there is that." Jamie agreed.

"And what about him cleaning your room? Aren't he and his father starting to learn which end to hold the mop by, now that you've duct-taped it to their hands when they need to clean up?"

Jamie smiled "Mom, you’re turning into a sadist! I guess that is kind of funny, but a little surreal."

Wendy smirked "What exactly is a sadist? I thought it was someone who beats people."

Jamie gave a knowing smile. "I thought it was just someone who barks orders and gets off on other people's suffering for their own amusement."

Wendy looked a little disappointed. "Oh, dear, I’m not getting off on this ... no, not at all, this is tough-love for Chris and Bill's rehabilitation. Once they understand the error of their ways, come to their senses, and demonstrate that they’ll carry their weight and act like men, this’ll all be over and we can go back to normal."

She thought about her words and continued, "Except instead of two fat slobs, they'll be trimmer, healthier, and live a lot longer. They’ll be taking responsibility for their shortcomings, and working to improve themselves. Hell, no one’s perfect, not even us!" She laughed at that last part, even though she was serious.

Wendy finished her thought after taking a sip of coffee. "…but it's alright to have a little fun with this along the way ... it shouldn't be all doom and gloom. I mean, look at your father's fat butt in the corner, isn't that precious? Let me get the digital camera.”