From the Twisted Primer

The Baker's Little Room By Will Somers, 2007 Codes: M+g, oral, 1st, cons, parody Alice ran away from home. She stopped at a bakery and earned all the donuts she could eat.

Will Somers Index This File in text form

Alice walked down the sidewalk. She walked quickly. She did not want her mommy to see her. Alice was running away. She had her little satchel. It had her dolly, her favorite nighty, her piggy bank, and her book of Bible stories.

"They are so mean! I am never coming back!" She said this to herself as she walked down the sidewalk. She shook her head at the house, and her long, blonde hair danced about her shoulders. She went next door. She would live with her best friend, Julie.

She knocked and knocked, but nobody answered the door. Julie wasn't home! Her mommy wasn't even home.

Alice walked slowly away. Then she remembered her nice Aunt Hilda. She lived across town. Alice would live with her.

Alice walked and walked. She was good at walking. Her legs were slim, tan, and strong after long summer days of running and playing. She wore her favorite little red sundress with the blue ruffles at the neck and sleeves. Alice had worn that same sundress for three summers in a row. The ruffled hem was high above her knees.

Soon Alice was tired and hungry. She walked by a bakery. It smelled wonderful. There were delicious donuts in the window.

Alice stopped. She walked to the counter. She said, "I would like a glazed cake donut and a chocolate iced donut with colored sprinkles, please." She used her best grownup voice.

The baker smiled at her. He liked her pretty blue eyes. They matched the blue ruffles on her dress.

Alice took out her piggy bank. She shook and shook until pennies and nickels rained on the counter.

The baker looked at the coins and shook his head. "I'm sorry, but there isn't enough money here. You can only buy one donut."

"But I want two donuts. I am very hungry."

The baker looked at the little girl. He said, "I can give you one donut now. Then I can give you another donut if you earn it."

Alice said, "Okay."

Alice ate the first donut. Then the baker led Alice to a little room. It had a small chair and table. It had a little bed. It had a television. There was a little hole in the wall next to the chair.

"Sit right here in this chair," the baker said. "Soon, a little sausage will stick through this hole. Then you must slide it in and out of your mouth like a popsicle and lick it with your lips and tongue. It has a special creme filling. When you lick it enough, the creme filling comes out. Can you do that?"

Alice said, "Yes, I can. This sounds like fun!"

"We will practice first," the baker said. He took a sausage out of a brown paper bag. "Lick your lips, and make an 'O' with your mouth." Then the baker slid the sausage in and out of Susie's mouth.

"Cover your teeth with your lips," the baker commanded. "Bob your head up and down on the sausage." He held the sausage still. Susie bobbed her head. The sausage slid in and out.

"Don't touch the skin with your teeth!" the baker warned. "Stick out your tongue. Lick the bottom as it slides in and out."

Susie bobbed her head some more. Her wet lips covered her teeth. Her tongue licked the sausage as it slid in and out.

"Very, very good!" the baker said.

"When do I get my second donut?" Susie asked.

"After the creme filling comes out. I will go find a sausage with creme filling. Watch the little hole!"

Alice sat in the little chair next to the hole. Nothing happened. The television played cartoons. She watched the cartoons and waited for the little sausage. She was glad she left home. This was fun.

But where was the little sausage? Alice wanted to have another donut.

Finally, a little sausage stuck through the hole.

"Oh!" she said, surprised. It was limp and shriveled.

"What do I do now?" she asked the little sausage.

She heard a little voice through the hole. The voice said, "Lick it, honey, just like a lollipop."

Alice licked it just like a lollipop. Soon it wasn't limp. It was stiff and hard.

"Very good, honey, keep licking," the voice said through the hole.

She licked and licked.

"Ooh, yeah, honey, just like that!" the little voice said. "Now make an 'O' with your lips. Slide the sausage in and out, just like a popsicle."

Alice made an 'O' with her lips. She slid the little sausage in and out of her mouth, just like a popsicle.

The little voice said, "Ooh, yeah, just like that!" The little voice said it again and again.

Then the little voice said, "Oh, oh, oooh!"

Alice felt warm, sticky goo squirt out of the sausage and into her mouth. She coughed, and the little sausage fell out. White goo dribbled onto her little red sundress. "Eew!" she cried.

A few minutes later, the baker brought her the beautiful donut with chocolate frosting and colored sprinkles.

"My dress is a mess!" she cried.

"I can wash it," the baker said. "Do you have something else to wear?"

Alice took off her dress and put on her nightie. It was light blue and silky. It had little cap sleeves a lacy hem.

Alice sat on the little chair. The baker took out a little camera. There was a bright flash. A little picture popped out the front of the camera.

Alice held the picture. She watched while it slowly appeared.

Alice really liked the picture. She looked pretty. Her long, blonde hair fell over her shoulders. Her blue eyes looked large and pretty against the light blue nighty. Her legs looked long and slim and tan.

The baker said, "You can stay in this little room with the television. Sometimes a little sausage will stick through the hole. Then you must lick it until the warm, creme filling comes out. If you do that, I will bring you another donut."

"Okay," she said. This was fun. She liked the donuts. She loved the television.

The baker left. Alice sat on the little chair. She watched the television. Soon, another little sausage stuck through the hole. This one was stiffer, and it had a funny purple vein on the outside.

Alice licked it like a lollipop. Her tongue licked the bottom as she slid it in and out of her mouth. Soon she heard a little voice through the hole say, "Oh, sweetie, oh, sweetie, oh, sweetie, oooh!"

Thick creme filling squirted into her mouth. This time she swallowed it all. Not a drop spilled on her silky blue nightie.

Alice wanted another donut. She left the little room. She walked into the bakery shop.

She saw two men with the baker. The baker was holding the picture of Alice. One man looked very, very happy. The other man looked at Alice. It made her feel shy. She stood on one foot and bowed her head, making her long blonde hair fall down the front of her short, silky nighty.

The man handed some money to the baker. Alice could see the number "50" on the bill.

"That must buy a lot of donuts," she thought.

The baker gave Alice a jelly filled donut. She went back to her room. She sat on the little chair. There was already a little sausage sticking through the hole.

She looked at the donut. She looked at the little sausage. Then she ate the donut. She rubbed the little sausage with her hand. The little voice in the hole said, "Ooooh!"

Soon Alice finished her donut. Then she licked the little sausage like a lollipop. She slid it in and out of her mouth like a popsicle. She swallowed all the warm creme filling. The baker brought her another donut.

Then Alice sat on the little chair and waited. She watched television. Soon another little sausage stuck through the little hole, and after that another, and another, and another. She licked each one like a lollipop. She slid each one in and out of her mouth like a popsicle until warm creme filling squirted into her mouth. She swallowed every drop. Each time, the baker brought her a fresh, sweet donut.

Soon Alice wasn't hungry any more. Her dress was cleaned and dry. She was ready to go home.

The baker said, "You don't have to go home. You can stay here as long as you want. You can sleep in the little bed, eat donuts, and lick the little sausages."

"No," said Alice, "I miss my mommy and daddy and my kitten and my friend Julie next door. But I will come back and sit in the little room sometimes, and lick the little sausages, if you promise to give me donuts."

"You can come back whenever you want," the baker said. "And you can bring your little friend Julie, too, if she likes donuts."

"Julie loves donuts!" Alice said.

Next: Making it Clean