The 2000 Golden Clitorides Awards

Rui Jorge came from behind a curtain and walked up to the podium. He tugged nervously at his red bow tie. Decked out in a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund, he tapped on the microphone and winced as the sound reverberated through the banquet hall.

"Ahem," he said, clearing his throat. The noise from the crowd died down, and he started to feel the first twinges of panic as every eye in the room focused on him.

"I know that Maria was supposed to be your host for this evening . . . "

"Then where is she?" someone yelled out.

"Um, Maria wanted to be here, but a bad case of writer's block has her at home staring at the computer screen like a -- well, like a writer who has writer's block." Rui could feel himself starting to sweat. He didn't know why he'd let Maria talk him into this in the first place.

The crowd started murmuring and the voices continued to get louder and more insistent. Rui thought he heard someone mention "lynching," but he wasn't one hundred percent sure.

A tall, handsome man dressed in rugged brown clothing, stood up and hollered, "Let the man speak, for cripes' sake!" His Australian accent caused half the women in the room to reach for their smelling salts. Rui wasn't sure, but he thought he saw light reflecting off of a finely honed sword for a brief second.

A blonde stood up, dressed in skimpy clothing and four-inch heels. "Yeah, settle down y'all or I'll have to kick some ass, Texas style!"

Thankfully, the crowd seemed to settle down, though there were still a few disgruntled murmurs. "Thank you, Ace and Katie R.," Rui said gratefully.

Wanting to get the announcements over with as quickly as possible, Rui took out the speech he'd prepared and uncrumpled the paper. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories. The accounting firm of R.J.N.P has finished counting all of the votes. As Maria said last year, the true winners in these awards are the readers who laugh, cry, bitch, and masturbate right along with us, when reading our stories."

He took an envelope out of his jacket pocket, and ripped it open. "And now, the clittie for Best Author of 2000 goes to MichaelD ."

There was a roar from the crowd as everyone got to their feet, and thunderous applause filled the room. MichaelD didn't even attempt to approach the stage; there were too many women throwing themselves at him.

"That's okay, Michael, you can post your acceptance speech to your website if you prefer."

Michael nodded, disentangling himself from all but a couple of the women, and sat back down.

"Next up," Rui said, starting to relax somewhat, "is the clittie for best story of 2000. The award goes to . . . it's a tie! The award goes to JohnA for 'Love is All You Need?' and Dr. Spin for 'The Ace Dyson Series' ."

JohnA and Dr. Spin both stood up and smiled at each other from across the room. A whoop of joy was heard from Ace Dyson, and the other half of the women reached for their smelling salts.

Getting into the swing of things now, Rui loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his snow-white tuxedo shirt. "Next up, the winner of the best new author for 2000 is . . . oh my! It's a three-way tie, just like last year! Voted the best new authors of 2000 are Katie McN , Dr. Spin , and Souvie !"

Suddenly Dr. Spin found himself stuck in between two gorgeous Texan women. He didn't know whether to cover his privates, or get in as many gropes as he could. Remembering Lexi and John R. just in time, he joined them in the group hug, keeping his hands well above waist level.

The two women blew kisses to the rest of the crowd while Spin just grinned really big. They sat down, and the crowd quieted again.

"And now," Rui said, his breath low and filled with anticipation. He was almost through, and could see the end in sight. "The newest clittie category, best story by a new author. The winner is 'Romancing Jack' written by Souvie."

Souvie stood on shaky legs to accept the applause of her fellow writers. She fanned herself with her hands, and gave a wobbly curtsey. She'd let Katie talk her into wearing four-inch heels, and was a bit unsteady because of them.

"I'd like to thank you all for your attendance tonight at the Second Annual Golden Clitorides Awards. Anyone who wants to go and have a word with Maria for not coming tonight, see me behind the stage, and I'll give you her address. Don't forget to drive carefully! Oh," Rui called out as an afterthought, "would whoever took the condom machines from the restrooms please return them."

'Writers!' Rui thought as he climbed down from the stage.