Death By Chocolate
By Souvie and Dryad
Edited by Desdmona

La Taverna is a favorite haunt of mine. It serves the best food, the most potent drinks, and boasts the most diverse crowd for miles around. I couldn't begin to count the number of luncheons, one-on-one parties, or simple shoot-the-bull sessions I'd had here. But this time was different. This time the crowd was here at my invitation. I'd cracked the biggest case to hit ASS* since Eli the Bearded's reign, and it was time to share the finer points.

Not everyone had minded the starting hour so when the door swung open, I was happy to see the last of the late arrivals.

"Hey, Jack Lipton, Vinnie, come on in. Take a seat, if you can find one. If not, sit on someone's lap," I said with a wink.

Vinnie gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "Jack..." Vinnie said. "I don't think you know Trudy Tolliver, our lovely reporter extraordinaire."

I nodded to Jack, and ushered both men inside. "The bar is open, and I'm putting all the drinks on my company tab."

Altan whistled behind me. "That's gonna cost an arm and leg, knowing this crowd."

Laughing, I replied, "My editor won't gripe too much when he sees the bill, if he wants me to cover the Cattlemen's Ball this fall."

The group moved on to the bar, and I took one last peek outside. The sun was setting and the sky was streaked with a palette of smoky colors -- gray, crimson, and violet.

Inside, however, was a different story. . . .

The place was packed with ASS* folks: Lesbian writers, romance writers, bondage and s&m writers, Americans, Australians, men, women, sheep. . . you'd be hard pressed to find a more varied crowd outside of Mos Eisley. Yet, they all had gathered for one reason--a reason beyond their shared connection of writing about sex. Everyone wanted to know, "Who killed Kenny?"

The room buzzed with activity. Conjugate, Alexis, and Dryad sat at one table furiously grading papers. Souvie filled the fourth chair at the table, her fingers pounding the keys of her laptop. Something about a comparative literary analysis of Faulkner's "Barn Burning" and Gogol's "The Nose."

Denny and Lisala huddled at the bar, nursing their single malts and lamenting the curious dearth of posted stories since the start of the New Year. Mat Twassel sat near them, keeping one eye on his watch and the other on his golf clubs propped up near the door.

Katie and Claudette sat knee-to-knee, arguing over cooking. Claudette insisted chili had beans in it, while Katie informed her pal that she wouldn't know fine cuisine if it hit her over the head. Anxious eyes were glued to the pair, hoping the tiff would turn into a catfight complete with ripped clothes and hair pulling.

At another table, a game of strip poker was well under way. Dr. Spin, Nick Urfe, and Father Ignatius sat shivering in the near buff. Selena sat across from them, warm as toast in complete attire. The gal was a winner on all fronts!

Further back, Desdmona organized Fish Tank submissions and Jeff Z. sifted through mountains of feedback he'd gotten on his latest JZL chapter. Gary tapped away at his computer, updating the Silver Clitorides website, and oosh was working out a deal to have her latest story translated into Italian.

Frank McCoy, Homer, and Uther were debating which was most popular with usenet readers: pedo, mc or rom.

Jimmy Hat and even Shon, dressed in full Coven of Bliss regalia, had shown up for the occasion (One had to wonder what exactly they were wearing under those robes.)

Stanton and Maytag zealously guarded the door to the men's room. Yellow caution tape was plastered across the door and a padlock hung at its handle. A hand-lettered sign proclaimed, "Do not feed the trolls!" It wasn't Stanton and Maytag's normal gig, but Jimmy'd pulled a few strings and they'd reluctantly agreed.

A large, black Borzoi wandered in, settled on his haunches, and blocked the exit. It was time to get the show on the road.

I stepped up onto the stage and whistled into the microphone. The room quieted without too much protest, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe the night wouldn't be as bad as I'd thought.

"For those of you who don't remember me, I'm Trudy Tolliver. I work for a newspaper in Dallas, and take odd jobs on the side when it suits me: like this one."

A couple of familiar faces waved, and I winked back, self-conscious all of a sudden. I was used to being around one erotica writer on a regular basis, not dozens of them. But I took a deep breath and went on.

"I was hired last year to solve a mystery. I was to find out who killed Kenny. It doesn't matter who hired me, all that matters is that I found the killer. It was..."

"Hang on!"

I frowned at the interruption. "Yes, Ray, what is it?"

"Haven't you watched Columbo, Murder She Wrote, or Remington Steele? Don't just jump to the end of the story, girl. We want details! The how, the why, and the in-betweens!"

I pushed aside the image of Pierce Brosnan in a black tux to concentrate on the here and now. "I see your point."

I hopped down from the stage, nonchalantly walked to the corner of the bar, and squeezed my way between Garylian and Tesseract. "You boys don't mind, do you?" They shook their heads in unison like the Doublemint twins.

I went on. "You may remember the meeting we had last year. I was asked to come here and discuss a missing writer -- Mr. Kenny Gamera. I've read many works from the authors here and recognize many others by name, but I don't follow ASSD. Yet, I was still fascinated by the job."

I took a drink of my Corona that the barkeep, Virago Blue, had slid my way. All eyes remained focused on me. This was a crowd that loved a good story, so I continued.

"I did what anyone who was investigating a missing person would do, I started interviewing one at a time, in alphabetical order, just to keep suspicions at a minimum.

"First up was Artie." I glanced at Artie in the corner with Wiseguy. Artie was blushing. Poor guy. He knew he wasn't much of a challenge. A flash of tit, a hand on his neck, and a good long suckle, and he was putty.

"Artie had heard of Kenny, but didn't know him."

Ray piped up, "How'd you know that? He coulda been lying you know!"

I sighed and took another swig of my beer. Alcohol dribbled down the crack of my cleavage. I caught it with my finger and slowly sucked it from my fingertip "Ray, I assure you my methods of interrogation are not only humane, but very, very effective."

"Hear, hear!" came from somewhere in the crowd, and I hid a grin behind my bottle.

"Can I continue, Ray?"

"Okay, okay."

"Artie's stories read like a how-to in getting his *ahem * cooperation. Nothing like a little hypnosis or a warm, soft breast. Eh, Artie?" Artie turned pinker still.

Many heads nodded in agreement.

I grabbed my beer and moved away from the bar, serpentining through the tables.

"Under hypnosis, Artie hinted that Alexis had been real fidgety for the past few months. She was next on my list so I headed up North. Sure, she was worried about Kenny, but she was equally concerned about a shipment of chocolate she and a group of ASS*ers had sent to Gary. A whole year's supply!"

Ray interrupted again. "What the hell does that have to do with the story? Everyone knows Gary's a chocolate freak."

I had thought the same thing at first. I cleared my throat, faking exasperation. "Give me some time, and all will be clear.

"The problem was, Gary never received it. A whole year's supply of chocolate--missing. Missing like Kenny was missing. There had to be a connection. It was easy to let Alexis off the hook. After reading 'Monsters' I was pretty sure if she was going to kill someone, Kenny wouldn't be her first choice." I sauntered back over to the bar for a refill. Maybe a lemonade without the vodka, or I would be sloshed before I could finish.

"I knew that the chocolate was ordered from Spotlights, a candy company on the West Coast. It would need to be shipped to the East. I also knew that Alexis wouldn't trust it to be shipped by any commercial operation." I swiped the lemonade from the counter and threw a kiss to Virago. I downed half of it before continuing. "I remembered something Souvie had said to me once about a truck driver so I had a good idea who Alexis had called."

I wove my way through the tables until I stood directly behind cmsix. Beads of sweat dotted the back of his neck. "cmsix agreed to haul the chocolate across country, and deliver it to Gary."

"So cmsix stole it!" Ray shouted.

There was one in every crowd. I just shook my head. "Ray, shhh."

I leaned down and sat my drink on the table in front of cmsix, making sure my breast "accidentally" brushed against his shoulder. I felt him shudder.

"Anyway, it wasn't that hard, no pun intended, to get the information I needed from cmsix. I made arrangements for him to come to my hotel room, and I just happened to be in the shower when he arrived. I asked him to wash my back for me, and he obliged." I leaned down and gave cmsix a kiss on the top of his head. "And let me say, he did a *very* thorough job."

The room erupted in laughter and cmsix turned blood red.

"He also agreed to transport the chocolate, and everything was going according to plan, until he hit West Texas."

By that point, I'd made my way to another table. "cmsix drove his rig toward Del Rio when suddenly he saw a turtle in the middle of the road. He swerved to miss the turtle, lost control of the truck, smacked his head on the side window and blacked out. When he came to, the chocolate was gone, and the only thing left in the back of the truck was a handful of chocolate chips.

"What came next is a little sketchy. The crash was pretty bad. The truck jackknifed, and the trailer tipped over. cmsix must've knocked his head pretty hard, because he had one hell of a concussion. Luckily, he had crashed just outside of the town where Katie lived."

All eyes turned to Katie. She slyly grinned.

"Fortunately, Katie recognized the bumper sticker, 'If I have to choose between heaven and Texas, I'd rather go to Texas' on the door of cmsix's cab. How she got him out and home, I didn't ask, but we know how determined Katie can be, so I really wasn't surprised.

"I found both of them at Katie's ranch. Umm...Have any of you ever been to her ranch?" I'll admit, I blushed. A few heads nodded, some just looked at me quizzically. Katie, damn her, just sat there smiling like the cat who ate the canary. I quickly continued.

"Katie had cmsix set up in one of the spare rooms, and one of her uh...umm, assistants was tending him. Katie didn't know what cmsix had been transporting. She only knew he kept muttering, 'that damned turtle'.

"The investigation looked to be at a dead end. But looks can be deceiving. Katie offered me a place to stay while I waited for cmsix to focus again. It gave me time to check out the crash scene for any more clues."

I took a deep drink, finishing off the lemonade and raised a hand to Virago, "Another Corona." Virago nodded.

"Did I ask if any of you have been to Katie's ranch before?" Several people snickered. Katie reached over and stroked my thigh, wreaking havoc on what was left of my concentration. I moved away, a movement that made quite a few people, including Katie, chuckle. I went on.

"I went out to the scene. The only thing left was a stain of brown on the side of the road."

Someone giggled.

"The stain was melted chocolate," I explained in a 'Why me?' kind of voice. "I wondered if cmsix was doing his version of Jim Morrison's 'Lizard King,' only with a different reptile."

"Aha! Kenny stole the chocolate and cmsix tried to kill him to get it back!" Ray punched the air in triumph. "I knew it all along."

Enough was enough. "Ray," I said in a stern voice, "time-out."

He gave me a little-boy look, but it wasn't working.

"Go. Now." I motioned for Souvie to "attend" to him.

"I'll turn on the speakers in the 'time-out' room so we can hear the rest of the story," Souvie said with a delighted smile. It'd been weeks since anyone had been sent to detention and I knew she had a new batch of feathers she was itching to try out. They marched out of the room. Ray looked pretty dang happy for someone who was heading for detention.

"To continue, I went to Kenny's house but there was no sign of him. The place was a mess--rotting food, papers piling up, mailbox overflowing. It looked like no one had been there in weeks.

"It's a federal crime to tamper with someone else's mail, but I figured if it was on the ground, it was fair game."

I sat down at a table with Aquillae and Crimson Dragon, but didn't stop the story. "One postcard caught my attention. It was from Aquillae." I put my hand on Aquillae's shoulder. "The postcard was thanking Kenny for his recent contribution. Now what had Kenny contributed? I took a little visit out to Aquillae's studio. He was working, but I had a few questions for him."

"He's working on a new video?" someone asked.

"Yes, he is, but that's part of my story," I answered, picking up Aquillae's drink and taking a sip. My throat was on fire. I started coughing, and he patted me on the back. When my head cleared, I realized I'd lost my bra. Damn erotica writers and their quick hands. Oh well, I had plenty more at home, and at least I wasn't wearing white; my blue t-shirt hid enough.

"Now, Aquillae was indeed working on a new video, titled ‘Chocoerotica’. As soon as I heard the title, I had a good idea what Kenny's contribution had been.

"I arrived on the set bright and early, eager to get to what I thought would be the end of my investigation. Let me tell you, I had a great time! I met Bernadette! She's just as wonderful in person as she is on camera, and I'd kill to have her luxurious red hair. . ." I realized I was starting to ramble like a star-struck teenager, and got back on track.

"Anyway, Aquillae answered all my questions, after a price, of course." I gave him a stern look, but at his leer, I dissolved into giggles. His hand snaked up the hem of my shirt, and I pasted on a "serious" look. "He wouldn't answer my questions until I'd auditioned, and let me tell you, the casting couch was comfy! And um, well, you
can imagine the rest." He hit a ticklish spot just northwest of my ribs, and I jumped up.

"Aquillae was looking for a prop for his new production, and sent out feelers for it, just word of mouth. He was looking for 100 lbs. of chocolate that he could melt down to use in his latest picture. Kenny had heard about it, and when he saw cmsix unconscious and all that chocolate in the back of the truck just sitting there, he took it."

I hastened to add, "Kenny had no idea it was for Gary. I'm sure if he had he never would have taken it. I asked Aquillae if he had any idea where Kenny was, but he said that he hadn't seen him after he paid him for the chocolate. I informed Aquillae that the chocolate was stolen and had originally been intended as a birthday present for Gary. He was deeply apologetic and gave me what he hadn't used yet. But I'll come back to that.

"In the meantime, Alexis, not knowing I had found a link, was actually working on the missing chocolate as well. She hired Scas." There was a collective gasp. Alexis cringed in her seat at the various evil glares.

I frowned. "I found this information out when I called to ask her what she'd like me to do with the remaining chocolate. What possessed her? I don't know. Scas would never win a popularity contest, and he certainly wasn't the type that people would talk freely with. He would probably have to resort to his brawn.

"I'd been following ASSD during the investigation, looking for clues. When I found out Alexis had hired Scas, I knew Kenny was in trouble. If Scas could irritate that many loving people," several audience members winked at me, "I was certain he could be downright violent in person." Many people nodded in agreement.

"This of course, made me feel a bit nervous, I'll be honest. I had no idea what he looked like. He could be a 90-lb weakling that I could kick his ass with one hand, or a 300-lb sumo who could twist my tits off." I saw a few women cringe, and a few others, well, took a very long drink of their water.

"So, I went back to Souvie. I knew ASS*'ers wouldn't have the money for a bodyguard, but she came up with the next best thing. She gave me a short list of members who might be coerced into helping.

"Father Nat was first. Fortunately for us, he was vacationing in the US, verifying the accuracy of his member pictures." I sashayed over to his table, sitting on his very comfortable lap. Luckily, Selena hadn't won his skivvies yet. No need to tell everyone I'd seen him at Nick Scipio's Jazz Club a few times since the investigation. He smiled warmly at me, and gave me a rather personal hello when my ass touched his lap; I didn't realize his fly was open! My eyes closed happily. Someone cleared his throat and my eyes flew open. Distracted, I tried to continue.

"I tracked Nat down to New England, where he'd met up with our friend Dryad." I blew a kiss in her direction. "They'd set up a meeting at one of those Indian casinos out there. It seems Dryad has a penchant for massages and hot tubs, and they have excellent masseuses there."

I moaned as Nat shifted, and then he nuzzled my ear. "Nat wasn't entirely interested in assisting, but Dryad shared my concern, so she offered her help in coercing Nat."

As I said this, I realized Dryad had stood up and was now behind Father Nat, nibbling his neck. "Well, um, I guess I don't need to tell you how we coerced him."

Dryad began kissing Father Nat passionately. I shuddered in a small climax, and tried to shake off the sexual stupor I was in. Damn it, I'm supposed to be a professional! I noisily slid off Nat's lap, where Dryad took my place. Breathing heavily, I continued.

"With Alexis' help, Nat and I tracked down Scas. When we found him, he was very, well, uncooperative. We called Wiseguy, hoping he'd have some time. He met us, and we formed a plan: Nat would hold Scas, while Wiseguy injected him with a drug. The drug would enable Wiseguy to hypnotize Scas.

"My job was to ask the questions. All things considered it went fairly well. And like I said, Scas has made some enemies. It was too tempting not to teach the old bugger a lesson or two while he was under the hypnosis.

"After Scas was pretty far under, Nat didn't need to hold him down. So Nat came and kept me company. Let me tell you ladies, Nat sure knows how to keep company! Wiseguy got all hot and bothered watching Nat and me. So needless to say, Scas now has a taste for creampies." The tittering in the audience grew to outright guffaws. I knew that would make them happy. I raised my hands to quiet them down.

"After the sale of the chocolate, Kenny decided to do some celebrating, and went off to Argosy casino on the Ohio River. Scas had followed Kenny. He jumped him in the parking lot before Kenny got to gamble a single nickel."

"Poor Kenny," someone cried. "He never had a chance,"

"That would've been the end, but for two things. First, there was no body. Second, I got a call from Desdmona. Souvie told her to get in touch with me.

"Des recently had a change in assignment, and was moved to a long-term care facility. Imagine her surprise upon discovering a turtle with amnesia there. She'd never seen pictures of Kenny, but she'd never seen a turtle in a hospital before either.

"I got there, and realized it was indeed Kenny. So Kenny wasn't dead.

"Kenny's not dead?" The crowd began to get excited. "Yay! Kenny's not dead! Kenny's not dead!"

As if on cue, the black Borzoi moved away from the door and in walked Kenny. He hobbled straight to me, the crowd cheering him all the way.

"Since I had all the facts, I had to assist a bit in Kenny's rehabilitation." Kenny smiled impishly. I kissed him on his cheek.

"You'll all be glad to know Scas is now being detained in the troll room, where, from what I understand, celia has tied him down, awaiting any woman with a pussy full of cum. She has also laid out a few of her favorite whips, and highly suggests their use. I understand ASS*ers have set his sentence at 10,000 cunt suckings, after which, he will be banned."

There was a lot of clapping and whistling at this announcement, just as I'd knew there would be. I stood in front of the stage and waited for the cheering to die down. "Now that we know what really happened to Kenny, it's time to come back to that earlier bit: what happened to the remaining bit of Gary's chocolate."

At that, Jacques LeBlanc and Leowulf came from behind the curtain, carrying a cloth-covered tray between them. They made their way down the stairs towards Gary. "The chocolate that Aquillae returned to me was melted and after some discussion with Alexis, we decided that this would be the best way of making it up to you, you know, that it's a year late and that most of it's missing." I laughed, anticipating the look on Gary's face when Jacques drew off the cloth.

Sure enough, he didn't disappoint me. Gary's jaw dropped to the ground when Jacques revealed what was under the cloth. "You're not seeing things, Gary, those are indeed miniature replicas of several ass* women - nude. Now you can say you've "eaten" Des, and Alexis and. . . well, I'm sure you'll be able to identify them all, one way or another."

My job was complete, well almost. "Someone tell Souvie to let Ray out of detention," I yelled, then I wove my way through the throng of people and up to the bar. "Kahlua and cream," I ordered. "And put some chocolate in there, too, Virago."

I was surrounded by a lusty group of sex writers and alcohol laced with chocolate - it was going to be one hell of a night.

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